Gifting Horses, Work Hours, Smart Kids | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking it all.
You

Speaker 1 remember that? That was always in rock music. At some point, you know, when you sang a song in the 70s and 80s, at some point, you had to be like, ow.

Speaker 1 Joan Jett.

Speaker 1 I just picture all the producers back then, like, you know, this song,

Speaker 1 it needs something. Does it need more cowbell? No, it needs an owl.

Speaker 1 And then it's going to go to the next level. So people know that you're rocking, that you're not fucking around, man.

Speaker 1 Don't say owl like you're hurt.

Speaker 1 Say owl like something's going to happen. Ow.

Speaker 1 Anyway, all right. I'm in a stupid mood.
I, of course, have a million things to do today.

Speaker 1 Still fucking beautiful weather out here, but you still need like a jacket. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's like almost spring, but it's still winter.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, this guy hit me with this fucking term.

Speaker 1 What the fuck was it?

Speaker 1 A surprising something or other. Oh my god.
How they come up with these fucking terms.

Speaker 1 It basically meant that you had empathy for a problem, but they had to turn it into a compliment for the person.

Speaker 1 I forget what it was.

Speaker 2 It's the usual shit.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I care. I'm such a good person because I care.
You know what I mean? You know that problem other people are having.

Speaker 1 Let's not talk about the problem, but let's focus on how much I care about it, as I do absolutely nothing about it.

Speaker 1 Wow, you have a surprising like

Speaker 1 interest in that without doing anything about it. You should be complimented.
Let's go to Costco.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I saw a great fucking video today because I don't read, man.

Speaker 1 There was this lizard getting constricted by this snake. So one of his lizard buddies came over and was like, oh, not on my fucking watch.
And he starts attacking the snake.

Speaker 1 And the snake sees him coming. He knows what he's doing.
The snake's going, like, this guy's showing up to save his fucking buddy. That's not happening.
I need to eat, right?

Speaker 1 So he's choking out his friend. You got to give it up to the snake, man.
He was still choking out his friend while trying to bite his other friend. And his other,

Speaker 1 his friend just took the hits. It was just like, I don't, you know, that's not how you kill buddy.

Speaker 1 Your bites don't mean shit to me. Until you put me in a chokehold,

Speaker 1 you just hit me with jabs.

Speaker 1 That's my bro, bro. And he fucking saved the guy.

Speaker 1 Now, I want to know what smart people, scientists, think about that, because I thought reptiles didn't have feelings. I thought they didn't have that ability.
Like,

Speaker 1 that was an amazing,

Speaker 1 I don't know, those were all reptiles.

Speaker 1 I thought that they didn't, they didn't.

Speaker 1 Like the one guy saw that his friend was getting choked out, and not only did he do something about it, the other snake knew that he was going to do that because that was his friend i thought that they didn't think that way bill why don't you say the same thing 50 times in a row all right i was a little surprised because you know i've seen lions save another lion when there's a bunch they get surrounded by hyenas they're always trying to bite them in the fucking vagina so the female lion has to sit down

Speaker 1 until the male lion with his pimp coat shows up and just fucking attacks all of them it's kind of amazing like the respect they have for the male they'll go after a female and they do most of the killing too That's what kills me.

Speaker 1 Right? But then the male lion shows up. Just one of him and like 40 hyenas are like, yeah, fuck this shit.
Dad's home. Dad's home.
And they all, they all take off.

Speaker 1 That's it. The male lion shows up like a dad in the 70s in his company car.
Maybe he's got that Lincoln Continental that had like the first extra brake lights on the trunk.

Speaker 1 Remember that one in like 73 or 74? My neighbor had one of those. And I was like, that guy is fucking rich.

Speaker 1 Remember that? When you were young and you thought your neighbors were rich, even though they lived in the same neighborhood? Like that, just because they, I don't know, they bought something.

Speaker 1 They had a boat, you know, or they got a new car. Like, dude, or their lawn looked nice.

Speaker 1 They're fucking rich. It's like, no, they're just better with money.
They're making the same amount of money as your parents. They just, you know,

Speaker 1 they're not blowing it on dumb shit. Although a boat, you have to admit.

Speaker 1 Is there anything better than when your neighbor buys a boat? That's the best. You don't want to be the guy that buys the boat, you want to be the guy that knows the guy that has the boat.

Speaker 1 So then you show up, right?

Speaker 1 And you're like, dude, whatever you need. I'll bring the booze and I'll bring the food.
As long as you buy the boat,

Speaker 1 get your captain's license, pay all the fees, put it in the water, take it out of the water, get the bananas scraped off it.

Speaker 1 You do all of that. All right.

Speaker 1 I'll just show up with some some millis.

Speaker 1 And we're going to have a good old fucking time. You know who the best person ever to be friends with was fucking Elvis Presley, according to his relatives.

Speaker 1 I remember Prilla Presley was saying that

Speaker 1 he wanted to ride horses. So he bought himself a horse.
He bought everyone in his entourage a horse. And then everyone had to have a pickup truck to put their saddle in so they could drive over.

Speaker 1 You know, some reason Elvis wasn't into commuting. And yeah, he did all of that,

Speaker 1 which just showed how generous and lonely he was and how many

Speaker 1 hanger-ons he had. Because wouldn't you be like Elvis?

Speaker 1 You know, dude, the amount of fucking runoff pussy I'm getting just by standing next to you, you don't have to buy me a horse.

Speaker 1 I don't need a pickup truck for the saddle. I'll walk over, dude.

Speaker 1 I'll borrow a horse. You know, you know, come on.

Speaker 1 What are we doing here?

Speaker 1 E, what's going on, man?

Speaker 1 I went to bed early tonight. You know, I went out like every single night and I was getting ready because I had to do an hour.

Speaker 1 An hour.

Speaker 1 Like, Joan Jett.

Speaker 1 You know what's funny? When my daughter was little,

Speaker 1 she wouldn't say Joan Jett. The way she said her name, she said Joan Jett rocks

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 she asked me one time when I was playing I Love Rock and Roll

Speaker 1 for her on the way to school. She was asking me who it was.
She said, Who is this? And I said, Joan Jett. And she was like, Joan Jett? I go, Yeah, Joan Jett rocks.

Speaker 1 And then, like, for the rest of the time, during that school year, when she was like, you know, four or five years old, she'd be like, Dad, dad, can I listen to Joan Jett rocks?

Speaker 1 Adorable.

Speaker 1 Make sure you take in all those moments. It goes by so fat.
Is there anything worse than talking to a parent that has children older than you and you have to shoulder all their regret and sadness?

Speaker 1 Because their kids are now teenagers or they've moved out of the house. I know everybody says this, but I'm going to say it.
If you know everybody says it, then shut up.

Speaker 1 Make sure you take it all. You know what it is about when your kids get older? You forget how fucking exhausted you were when they were cute.

Speaker 1 You know, and every like fucking hour you had to change a diaper or they would sleep for 20 minutes before they started screaming bloody murder. You know, and you're walking around like a zombie.

Speaker 1 You're exhausted. And then you got these older parents going, make sure you take in every second.
Like that's what they did. They didn't.

Speaker 1 You took in as much as you could and you slowly lost your mind from the lack of sleep. Stop telling younger people to take in every second.
They're fucking sleep deprived.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I just got a good slice

Speaker 1 of fucking pizza. I was down in Tribeca,

Speaker 1 which,

Speaker 1 you know, that's supposed to be a hot,

Speaker 1 hot neighborhood in New York City. But it's got the fucking Holland Tunnel right there.
It just destroys the neighborhood.

Speaker 1 You know, just all these people trying to get into the Holland Tunnel. It makes all the streets all diagonal and fucking weird.

Speaker 1 And there's like nobody walking. You got to go like up to Canal Street to like run into people.
Everybody else is just, you go down the side streets. I just feel like it's,

Speaker 1 I don't know, like Russian models and

Speaker 1 people that work in business, some sort of finance or something where you got to wear like a suit.

Speaker 1 Everybody's just sort of walking around in like a daze.

Speaker 1 But anyway, they got a good coffee shop down there. That's what I was doing.
And then

Speaker 1 I went by this pizza place that was great down there, too. And what's funny was I saw a guy.

Speaker 1 You ever like, you know, you have like a busy day and you just see a homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk in the sun and you just start thinking like, I'd fucking love to do that.

Speaker 1 I mean, I wouldn't want to be homeless, but that part of being homeless right there, that it's Thursday afternoon and you can just soak in the sun, laying on the street, buzzing off of whatever the fuck you've just panhandled money for, in that moment, I don't think it gets any better than being homeless.

Speaker 1 You know, once you come down and you're still fucking homeless, and nobody seems to love you enough to let them, you know, to help you out, you got to deal with that sadness before you start to cycle over again.

Speaker 1 But when you're in the moment, when you got the fix and you're laying in the sun like an old fucking bloodhound on a porch, and everybody else is scurrying off to go work for the man, man, it's not a bad thing.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, I'm walking down Canal Canal Street and I see this guy. He's smoking a fucking,

Speaker 1 I think it's a blunt. I've never smoked a blunt, but it's a fat ass fucking joint.
And he had a fucking cup of espresso in his hand. And not like a plastic little cup or anything.

Speaker 1 He had an actual like little espresso cup

Speaker 1 with a fucking joint. It was like 10 in the morning.
He was smoking a blunt, drinking an espresso, which I don't know what that does to your body. Don't you just kind of level off?

Speaker 1 But I just looked at it and I was just like, that fucking guy, that guy knows how to live.

Speaker 1 There's this other group of guys I saw like

Speaker 1 right outside.

Speaker 1 I was at this subway stop near the show.

Speaker 1 And they got a coffee shop downstairs as you go into the subway station.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I walked

Speaker 1 by this group of guys. It was like 11 in the morning, and they were all standing around smoking a joint.

Speaker 1 And look at those guys in the middle of the day. What do you do for a living that you can just fucking get baked at 11 in the morning at your age? That's amazing, right?

Speaker 1 And then I get on the subway, I go downtown, I do all my bullshit, and then I'm coming back up to do the show. I get off to stop and they're still fucking there, still smoking weed.

Speaker 1 And it was like a workday.

Speaker 1 Like, that's one of those things, you know, as I'm getting older, like, I don't understand, like, when the fuck do people go to work?

Speaker 1 How are people working?

Speaker 1 You know, I live in LA, there's traffic 24-7. I know a lot of people are driving around doing Uber, so that kind of adds to it, or post-mating,

Speaker 1 or Amazoning, or UPSing, or FedExing.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'm old enough to remember like the 90s.
And what was amazing is being a comedian in the 90s. Like, during the fucking day, like,

Speaker 1 you could get a seat on the subway,

Speaker 1 you could drive down the fucking street.

Speaker 1 Everyone was at work.

Speaker 1 Rush hour was, you know, seven to nine and five to seven.

Speaker 1 But if you were driving between those hours, forget about it. Your arm out the window.

Speaker 1 Listening to Lionel Ritchie. That's why I'm easy.

Speaker 1 I'm easy like Sunday morning.

Speaker 1 He looks like a lion, doesn't he? I always felt that guy looked like a lion.

Speaker 1 Especially when he had the fro, like, grown out a little bit when he was in the Commodores.

Speaker 1 You know what's amazing about that guy? I think he was a horn player when he was in the Commodores. Like, how fucking ridiculously talented is that guy? And then he goes solo.

Speaker 1 He leaves a hit group as a horn player. I might be wrong on that.
I think he played a trumpet or some shit. He leaves.

Speaker 1 Sits down behind a piano and they just say, I think I'll bang out like fucking 50, 75 hits.

Speaker 1 You know, as you do.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 I just got to let you know.

Speaker 1 Oh, what a feeling. Boo-ta-boo.

Speaker 1 Dancing on the ceiling. I don't know about that.

Speaker 1 Those lyrics were a little...

Speaker 1 I don't know. He must have been a Molly.
Just extra happy.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Fuck that. I ended up talking about Lionel Ritchie.

Speaker 1 I can play that intro on piano, and I start to play it, and everybody's like, oh, wow, he can play piano. I'm like, that's all I know.
Googa did, do,

Speaker 1 do, boo, gad, doo, boop, boop, boo, doop, boo. And then I'm done.

Speaker 1 Bravo.

Speaker 1 Ow.

Speaker 1 That's how I should end it.

Speaker 1 Anywho,

Speaker 1 I watched the Moto GP race from Qatar.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say the most exciting race of the year, even though it had the same result with Mark Marquez winning, although he didn't. He crashed out

Speaker 1 in Austin. But

Speaker 1 get well soon to Jorge Martín. That was a frightening accident.
For those of you who didn't watch, he got a little too aggressive in a turn, and the bike slid out from underneath him. And

Speaker 1 was it Fabio DiGi Antonio, the longest fucking last name ever, like kind of sort of ran over him with his bike. And he has a compression injury

Speaker 1 with one of his ribs. Man, it was scary because I remember the last time

Speaker 1 somebody died, I remember the same sort of thing happened where there was a group of bikes, and

Speaker 1 the kid wiped out, and the guy ran over him, and he drove over his neck. It was fucking brutal.
Kid was only 24 years old, but that was before I started watching, thank God.

Speaker 1 But that's the last I heard. It's kind of a, I don't want to jinx the sport, but it is amazing

Speaker 1 how fast they go and how

Speaker 1 pedestrian the injuries are compared to back in the day. Like F1, all of that stuff.
Like guys used to just die on a regular basis.

Speaker 1 I will tell you the most fucked up thing that I've seen since watching

Speaker 1 Moto GP where I can't believe nobody died was they were going down the straightaway and at the end of the straightaway was this hard right turn.

Speaker 1 So on the inside of the straightaway was this grassy area and you you know, usually on that straightaway, they get up over 200 miles an hour. And, you know, people go side by side.

Speaker 1 But very rarely on a straightaway is there an accident. So the leaders had already gone down the straightaway and had started to make that right turn.

Speaker 1 And in the middle of the field, these two guys had collided and they went over on the grass. And this motorcycle, both the motorcycles started cartwheeling down the track towards where those people

Speaker 1 were like making the right turn. And this fucking

Speaker 1 what was left of this motorcycle and in the engine went flying right through the riders, like in between, like threaded the needle between somebody else and Valentino Rossi.

Speaker 1 And if that had hit either one of them, they would have instantly

Speaker 1 been dead. And I just think it was one of those freak things.

Speaker 1 Thank God nobody died. I'm sure they did something to try to like,

Speaker 1 I don't know what,

Speaker 1 make sure like something like that couldn't happen again. But

Speaker 1 I would say this is the scariest thing I've seen.

Speaker 1 He immediately got up, so it wasn't scary. But anytime you see somebody get run over by another bike, you're like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 Obviously. But anyway, it was an amazing race.

Speaker 1 Plenty of lead changes and all that. It took me like three days to watch it because I've been having to punch up the script during the day and doing the play, also.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 anyways, it just looks like

Speaker 1 I don't know, it's just the Mark Marquez show, but there was this who the fuck was leading the race? I can't even remember for a while.

Speaker 1 But Marquez has this new thing in his game where he used to be so competitive, he always had to be in first place so he could chew up his tires when he was younger. But now he like

Speaker 1 he did this with Alex. Like, he lets you pass and he just stays in second place

Speaker 1 for like 10, 12 laps

Speaker 1 while he pushes you and you chew up your tires, and he's going easy on the bike,

Speaker 1 and with full confidence in his abilities, that he can pass you whenever he wants to.

Speaker 1 And that's what he does with like five, six laps to go, four laps to go, he just does it and then he wins the race. And

Speaker 1 I actually think this

Speaker 1 might be the best riding that I've ever seen him do. But granted, I'm also a stand-up comedian.
All right.

Speaker 1 What a, what, hey, hey, I'm gonna do like the influencers. Guys,

Speaker 1 hey, guys.

Speaker 1 What do I know?

Speaker 1 Have you seen that dude on Instagram that makes fun of the food people and the way that they talk? Where they're like, oh my god, you guys.

Speaker 1 I went to a coffee spot and it's this hidden gem that has now gone viral. I went in there and I got the mocha kauka ya tag, which was to die for.

Speaker 1 The line is 45 minutes long, but it is totally worth the way.

Speaker 1 Why do they all talk about? Is that like AI or something? I noticed that when I was, you know,

Speaker 1 looking up the Jorge Martin crash, trying to see who was it that ran over him. And everyone was just an AI voice that said, I love that they got Jorge right.

Speaker 1 They said, Jorge Martin had a really bad, and I watched like three of them trying to figure out who it was that was running over him. I finally just like yelled at my phone.
It's Martine!

Speaker 1 How can you say fucking Jorge?

Speaker 1 By the way, guys, guys,

Speaker 1 ow, stop fucking listening to these fucking scientists who are saying that these fucking robots feel feelings. They don't feel feelings.
Something that's not alive cannot feel feelings.

Speaker 1 All right? All you fucking

Speaker 1 bought and paid for hoard out fucking journalists, stop interviewing these robots like they're for us. They're not.
Stop asking the robot, what feelings do you feel?

Speaker 1 Like, how much are they fucking paying you, you fucking sell-out whore?

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, why don't you go back in time and just interview the Nazis? And all you do is talk about their wardrobe.

Speaker 1 Anyway, sorry.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I have a buddy of mine I was hanging out with the other night, and he was saying how he bought like Red Sox season tickets, and he's getting nervous.

Speaker 1 And I was like, you know, it's still early. He goes, We just played the devil race, which I guess they're not good.
They're usually good. He goes, No, they suck.

Speaker 1 And then he showed me the score, and it was like 19 to 6.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh boy,

Speaker 1 oh boy. Well, here we go.
At least they're making moves. They didn't make moves for years.
Now I feel like they're trying to win, but it is early.

Speaker 1 I believe in a manager.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I saw the cutest little little girl on

Speaker 1 the subway. Reminded me when my daughter was that age.
And she was fucking hilarious. And I'm so psyched because

Speaker 1 my kids and everybody are coming

Speaker 1 tomorrow. And I've been like Jonesing.

Speaker 1 I miss my kids so much. I literally saw a guy walking down the street with his son on his shoulders and I almost started crying.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, old Billy Soft Shell, what happened to me? What happened to me?

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way, my daughter totally figured out the tooth fairy. She just, I knew it was a matter of time.
She had already figured out the Easter Bunny.

Speaker 1 Like, she came in, like, no, she didn't come in. No, we were at a mall.

Speaker 1 We were at the mall, man.

Speaker 1 And we were going down the escalator.

Speaker 1 She goes,

Speaker 1 she goes, Mom, Dad, I want you to be honest with me. Okay?

Speaker 1 She's like, is the Easter Bunny real?

Speaker 1 So Nia looks at me like, oh, shit.

Speaker 1 She goes, no, I want to know. Just tell me.
I want to know.

Speaker 1 And like, Nia's making this face, like,

Speaker 1 I don't know. And then she looked at me and I just shrugged my shoulders.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 she goes, no, it isn't. It's mom and dad.
She goes, I knew it. I knew it.

Speaker 1 And she was like, I swear to God, she goes, thank you for being honest with me.

Speaker 1 My kids are like scary smart, right? Definitely did not get it from my side of the family. So

Speaker 1 my wife, my wife, called me the other day. She goes, yeah, she just figured out the

Speaker 1 tooth fairy. And I go, well, if you figure out the eastbound, I figure tooth fairy is what you should be figuring out the first.
That's the weakest and the worst.

Speaker 1 This little thing goes away with these big teeth.

Speaker 1 Why does it care about it?

Speaker 1 How can that little thing carry all this change around? None of it makes sense. It makes less sense than the

Speaker 1 Easter bunny leaving eggs.

Speaker 1 None of it.

Speaker 1 Like, what makes less sense? These fictitious holiday characters or organized religion? All of it, if you just really say it out loud, you're like, what?

Speaker 1 That doesn't make sense. My brain hurts, man.

Speaker 1 So she came in,

Speaker 1 and this is how she figured it out. She didn't ask.

Speaker 1 This is what I love about how smart my daughter is. She just comes in,

Speaker 1 and she knows if she asks, she's opening the door to us still lying about it. So she just comes in

Speaker 1 like the cop that knows you fucking killed the person.

Speaker 1 He doesn't say, did you kill the person? He says, where is the murder weapon? What'd you do with it? Or why did you do with it, right?

Speaker 1 And starting the questioning off with that. So the person already feels caught.
That's what she did to my wife. She came walking in.
She just goes, mom, where are my teeth?

Speaker 1 And when my wife told me that, she didn't say that she was figuring out the tooth fairy. She said she came in and said, mom, where are my teeth? And I'm thinking like, in your mouth?

Speaker 1 And like I said, the intelligence does not come from my side of the family. My wife immediately knew what my daughter was doing.
She goes, what are you talking about? So my wife was laying in bed.

Speaker 1 So my daughter gets on the bed and she was jumping up and down

Speaker 1 next to my wife to make her bounce up and down and get her like off balance. She goes, answer me.
I want to know. Where are they?

Speaker 1 And she goes, I don't know what the tooth fairy is. She goes, no, they didn't.
The tooth fairy isn't real.

Speaker 1 Where are they? Where are they? So she finally just goes, like, all right, they're in the drawer, you know, next to whatever. And then she goes, I knew it.
I knew it.

Speaker 1 And then she got in my wife's face, was laughing her ass off, and yelled, you lied to me.

Speaker 1 Which I have to say is such a relief that she found it funny.

Speaker 1 But my wife,

Speaker 1 she has this cute way about her that she can do that.

Speaker 1 I just would, I mean, if she came and just was where, like, where are my teeth? I would have said in your mouth, and then she would have said, no, I'm talking about the tooth fairy. Where are they?

Speaker 1 I just would have been like,

Speaker 1 I don't know. Your mother has them somewhere.
I'm sorry. It's some stupid thing.

Speaker 1 And then I would have had the whole discussion, just be like, I don't know why there's this pressure to lie to your kids about these things.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is, but it's more for parents than you.

Speaker 1 You'll get it when you get older.

Speaker 1 So, anyway,

Speaker 1 so that happens. So, here's the deal: Easter bunny's done.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, now the tooth fairy. There's, I said to my wife, I'm like, there's no way we're making it to Christmas.
You know, she's on to us. Okay.
We got to, like,

Speaker 1 you know, if we were like bookies right now, that's when you put the flame to the flash paper and you run out the fucking back door.

Speaker 1 All right, let me do the

Speaker 1 reads here, man.

Speaker 1 All right, live read 417.

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Yeah, if they were comfortable, they were going to disintegrate. And if they were durable,

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Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 All right, and there you go. Alrighty, people.
Well, that is the

Speaker 1 Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning.

Speaker 1 I hope you enjoyed it. Please enjoy the interlude music.

Speaker 1 chosen by the wonderfully talented Andrew Themeleis. And then afterward, we were going to have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Speaker 1 Have a great weekend, you bruns cunts.

Speaker 1 I wanna hold on to you tonight.

Speaker 1 Hold on to tonight.

Speaker 1 I wanna hold on to to tonight.

Speaker 1 Hold on to tonight.

Speaker 1 I can recall,

Speaker 1 and I should remember

Speaker 1 all the things you said that I do.

Speaker 1 Action straight,

Speaker 1 in a wrestling

Speaker 1 night spotted and gotten fused.

Speaker 1 I need something to hold on to.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, fuck yeah,

Speaker 3 April 17th, 2017. What's going on? How are you?

Speaker 3 Happy Patriots Day, everybody.

Speaker 3 I believe that only

Speaker 3 I believe that Massachusetts is kind of the only place that takes Patriots Day off. Kind of, sort of.
You know, they have the Boston Marathon, right?

Speaker 3 They usually play a Red Sox game during the day for everybody who doesn't want to fucking run around or watch a bunch of skinny people running down the damn street, shitting themselves on Heartbreak Hill.

Speaker 3 Every year, somebody shits themselves in that race. You know that? Anytime there's a marathon, there's people that push themselves so hard that they literally shit themselves

Speaker 3 as they're fucking running up the hill. You know those runners, they wear those little fucking nylon shorts and stuff.
So there's nowhere for it to go.

Speaker 3 And these maniacs,

Speaker 3 they keep running with shit going down the back of their legs like one of those fucking horses that carries, you know, drags the newlyweds around the park.

Speaker 3 You know, but even them, you know, they put the tail up, they fucking shoot it out.

Speaker 3 Oh, he's going in early with the shit jokes, everybody. Is this what it's going to be? Is it literally going to be a shit show?

Speaker 3 Yeah, so whatever. Happy Patriots Day to everybody.
I don't even know what Patriots Day is. You know, I don't think it's about the football football team because it's not football season.

Speaker 3 Is this when we raise the banner? Patriots Day. Let's look it up, shall we, people? Patriots Day,

Speaker 3 what the fuck is it? Why does it automatically go to fucking Wikipedia? Even though I would have gone here.

Speaker 3 All right. Then there's Patriot Day, a film starring Mark Wahlberg.
That's not what I was looking for.

Speaker 3 Fucking cocksuckers. I just don't understand.
I had, oh my God, I had the worst day

Speaker 3 with my fucking phone. Like yesterday, I tried to update it,

Speaker 3 you know, and then it comes back on, and then you need all your fucking passwords. And no matter how much I type them in the way they're supposed to be, it doesn't recognize it.

Speaker 3 Then it shuts down my phone. Then it's going, oh la, bonjour, guten tag, in like 50 different fucking languages.
And I can't, I can't.

Speaker 3 I came so, if I had not, I haven't meditated in a month, I'm not going to lie to you, but if I hadn't meditated so much in the beginning part of the year, I would have broke my phone in half.

Speaker 3 I grabbed it, I turned it sideways, and I fucking started, I started to do it.

Speaker 3 I started to fucking break it, and I stopped.

Speaker 3 I did throw it at the couch into the cushions, and I also did throw my laptop into the, they were all into the cushions.

Speaker 3 Not overly hard, you know, it's funny when I lifted up the laptop, I felt the pain of my rotator cuff, so I could only throw it so hard. It was really pathetic.

Speaker 3 It was a very pathetic display of anger.

Speaker 3 So, you know, I don't know. My phone's still fucking with me.
You know, I'm trying to go into the goddamn Apple store here, and they won't let me do it. I don't understand, you know, Apple.

Speaker 3 Everybody fucking loves this

Speaker 3 company.

Speaker 3 You know, can somebody please fucking explain to me why they're so hostile when it comes to any sort of customer support? Is there a fucking reason there's not a phone number? I can't talk to anybody.

Speaker 3 They're like, fuck you. Here's our product

Speaker 3 that doesn't work. Go fuck yourself.
We're not responsible for anything. You don't know what we look like.
You don't know where we are.

Speaker 3 Don't even talk to me about those fucking Apple stores with the people walking around with the genius t-shirts. Give me a fucking break.

Speaker 3 Oh, that sounds because somebody just came into my house.

Speaker 3 I hear it all the time. So, I mean, it doesn't mean shit to me.

Speaker 3 Anyways,

Speaker 3 what if that was like an anger meter?

Speaker 3 As I was getting up higher, it would ring and it would let me know to come back down again. You know, like an idiot light on some car that your engine's overheating.

Speaker 3 Anyways, fuck those Apple stores too. All right?

Speaker 3 Those are dead. It's all bullshit.

Speaker 3 You're talking to low-level people in the company. Nobody who's fucking designing these goddamn things that end up being fucked up is working at that store.

Speaker 3 You give them that stupid fucking shirt that says genius. It should say peon.

Speaker 3 And then what are they? Got to deal with fucking balding hotheads like me who come walking in going like, dude, where the fuck did all my music go? What did did you put it on the cloud?

Speaker 3 I don't want you to have my stuff.

Speaker 3 Fire, I don't, you know,

Speaker 3 I should have never stopped getting CDs. All I know is everything's fucked up, okay? And so now I'm signing into shit on my laptop.

Speaker 3 My phone's talking to me, going, hey, somebody's signing in on another device, and there's no place for me to say, yeah, I know it's me. And then the laptop's doing the same thing.

Speaker 3 They're like, it's like David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen. It's like, you guys, you were great together.
We had the band. And now you're fucking breaking up and you're talking shit about each other.

Speaker 3 And don't even talk to me about those fucking numbers I'm supposed to punch in, because I did that too. I went into my settings, I fucking hit the stupid,

Speaker 3 whatever, clicked on my name, went into passwords, typed the fucking number that they just sent me into the thing, and they said they didn't recognize it, and then they freeze up my phone.

Speaker 3 Freeze up my phone like I'm working in the Pentagon or something.

Speaker 3 I'm some fucking general. I'm just some jerk off who wants to listen to some fucking hair metal from the 80s, KK, you know, while I get on a treadmill.
That's all I'm trying to do here.

Speaker 3 You know what it is? It's fucking, it's incestuous.

Speaker 3 You know how really rich people want to keep the money in their family, you know, so they just sort of breed with the same five families. I've taught you this before.

Speaker 3 So it's why, you know, you look at the Kennedys, it's like they're good looking from the forehead down to like the mouth area, and then they smile and it's whoa,

Speaker 3 you know, starts looking like they should be playing a fucking banjo,

Speaker 3 you know, so

Speaker 3 it's the same thing with technology. Technology used to be a radio was a radio.
Over there's my stereo, that over there is the dishwasher, right?

Speaker 3 Slash made.

Speaker 3 Sorry, I was just thinking about the time I was talking about. And then you had your Walkmans, right? Then the Walkman also had a fucking radio, and a phone was a phone.
And now

Speaker 3 they've all just been gangbanging, right?

Speaker 3 This big fucking colligula, fucking fisting, technological, I don't know what. They're all the same goddamn thing now.

Speaker 3 Everything, everything is just on those fucking things. And I don't know.

Speaker 3 It's ridiculous. So, what I ended up doing, after I started to, like, it was weird.
Like, I had the strength signals sent from all the way to like my wrists. I didn't let it get to my hands.

Speaker 3 I felt the anger go. It was like the Hulk, right? The fucking, my arms turned green all the way down to my wrists.
And I just, I stopped myself from breaking it in half.

Speaker 3 But I have to tell, oh, God, that would have been such a great feeling to just snap. There has to be YouTube videos of people snapping their fucking phones in half.

Speaker 3 What I did was I just said, fuck that phone, fuck the laptop,

Speaker 3 and I hit a drum lesson, And I got in my truck and I just fucking drove over. And I can admit, you know what? It was kind of fucking nice not having a phone.

Speaker 3 You know, I wasn't looking at text messages while driving. I wasn't doing any of that type of shit, trying to fucking scroll to the next goddamn song.
None of that shit. I just was,

Speaker 3 I don't know, driving a car like I used to, talking to myself.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 then I came back, calmed down.

Speaker 3 I tried it again.

Speaker 3 And about, I don't know, maybe the 17th attempt, I got it to work again.

Speaker 3 And I just got it, you know,

Speaker 3 as great as these are, and my ability to communicate with you guys and everything like that,

Speaker 3 you know, I still would have been alright without these things. I could have made it the old-fashioned way as a comedian, where you just keep doing the clubs and doing the clubs.

Speaker 3 Then I do a guest spot on the Hollywood Squares right next to Paul Lind.

Speaker 3 You know, maybe do a fucking tonight show. And I just keep building them.
I could have made it that way. I didn't need all of this shit, all this shit that these fucking YOLO douches,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 selfies, and then the picture you take that it takes sort of a video, but it's a picture, but it's also a video.

Speaker 3 You know, these flying squirrel suits. I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 3 What is it? You just have to do shit that other people didn't do?

Speaker 3 Is that what it is? I don't fucking know.

Speaker 3 You know, back in the day, you know what it was? Back in the day, you fucking did the clubs

Speaker 3 until you built up enough of the following on your own that you headlined clubs, and then maybe you got an hour special then.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 Now, if you're a middle-act, you need an hour special to headline. Like, the whole thing is, I just feel like this old man, like, this is not how it used to be.

Speaker 3 What's the deal with everything?

Speaker 3 All right, Patriots Day, everybody.

Speaker 3 Patriots Day,

Speaker 3 where is it? Patriots Day in Massachusetts and Wisconsin, and Patriots Day in Maine, is an official state holiday commemorating the anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord.

Speaker 3 Well, what the fuck does Maine and Wisconsin have to do with that? The first battles of the American Revolution.

Speaker 3 Or

Speaker 3 is Maine and Wisconsin the only other two fucking states that respect our holiday?

Speaker 3 The holiday was originally celebrated on April 19th, the actual anniversary of the battles fought in 1775.

Speaker 3 Since 1969, it has been observed on the third Monday in April in Massachusetts and in Maine. Do, let's get a three-day weekend out of it.
You know? Fuck the 19th. Just make sure it's on a Monday.

Speaker 3 It's also the first day of a vacation week for public schools in both states

Speaker 3 in both states and a school holiday for many local colleges and universities, both public and private. The day is a public school observance day in Wisconsin.

Speaker 3 Florida law also encourages people to celebrate it, like those fucking people needed an encouragement to celebrate anything else.

Speaker 3 You fucking celebrate like every day's

Speaker 3 Patriots Day,

Speaker 3 fucking meth day.

Speaker 3 Though it is not treated as a public holiday,

Speaker 3 observances and reenactments of battles occur. I remember going to one of those when I was a kid.
I thought those people were cool as shit, shooting the guns and pretending to die and all that stuff.

Speaker 3 I thought it was awesome. Then I got older and I was like, yeah, well, I mean, if that's what he's into.

Speaker 3 All right, the Boston Marathon is run on Patriots Day every fucking year. Therefore, sometimes the holiday is referred to as Marathon Monday.
The Boston Red Sox

Speaker 3 have been scheduled to play at home in Femway Park on Patriots Day every year since 1959.

Speaker 3 The games are postponed due to weather in 59, 61, 65, 67, and 84. Do I need all of this? All right, we got it.
Okay, we got it. So that's what it is.

Speaker 3 It's commemorating the first battles of the American Revolutions in Lexington and in Concord.

Speaker 3 I thought Gettysburg was the first one. That wasn't the first one.
Oh, that was a Civil War. Oh, my God, shaking my head.
Shut up, you fucking Wikipedia, reading cunt.

Speaker 3 Nobody gives a fuck about your war knowledge. Did you fight in it? Well, then shut up.

Speaker 3 All right. You know what's funny? Before I came in here, right?

Speaker 3 I was watching the Celtics lose. It's a fresh loss.

Speaker 3 I'm taping this Sunday night.

Speaker 3 Celtics loss to a giant Jamie Foxx and the Chicago Bulls.

Speaker 3 Dude, that butler guy looks like Jamie Foxx circa

Speaker 3 somewhere in the 90s in living color.

Speaker 3 And,

Speaker 3 you know, fucking brutal game, brutal game, brutal game. But it was also, you know,

Speaker 3 with Isaiah losing his sister and stuff, it was kind of like the

Speaker 3 drama of the game was definitely just looked at. That's just a fucking game.
Look what this guy's going through.

Speaker 3 But the Bulls, as much as they're in 8th seat, you know, let's go a little sports morning talk radio.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you, you know, these Chicago Bulls, as much as they're in 8th seat, they have a lot of veteran presence and in your experience

Speaker 3 with your Dwayne Wade, with your Wherever Rondo. And

Speaker 3 yeah, it's not going to be an easy one.

Speaker 3 And then they got that Unibomber guy. Like, I don't know what the fuck that guy's deal is.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? I think when I look at that guy, his due, the hair do he has, and the fucking facial hair,

Speaker 3 I just hear his agent, you know, going like, dude, we've tried everything to get you a lucrative advertising contract. We got nothing.
So, you know,

Speaker 3 why don't you just be the crazy fucking hair and bearded face guy? Why don't we try that? Did the bird man retire yet? You know,

Speaker 3 I used to get claustrophobic looking at that guy's fucking tattoos. They just kept going higher and higher, like literally with choking them.

Speaker 3 Very colorful, very Marvel comic.

Speaker 3 Yes, we lost. Whatever.
Ah, fucking one game. You know, what are you going to do? I mean, we live and die, but we got one guy.
We got fucking Isaiah Thomas. That's our guy.
Okay? He's the fucking guy.

Speaker 3 We live and die by the threes. We don't get fucking offensive boards.
And I'll tell you, you you can get away with that in the regular season, but come playoff time. You know, you might get exposed.

Speaker 3 That's what I'm worried about. And the Bruins blew it.

Speaker 3 You blew it. We fucking blew game.
We blew it.

Speaker 1 We fucking blew it.

Speaker 3 Game two. I think we forgot that there was a third period.
We were all impressed with ourselves. You know, we scored three goals in the second period or something like that.
Or two, something.

Speaker 3 We went up three games. We were up three to one.
Up three to one. Everything's going good.
And the cross-checking cunts that are the Ottawa senators, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 If one Ottawa Senator fan bitched about the referee in that game, I saw one play like this fucking guy, he cross-checked the same guy twice right in front of the net. The guy went down twice, no call.

Speaker 3 It was like every fucking third

Speaker 3 cross-check that they would call. And then that color commentator was so pro-Ottawa, it was fucking ridiculous.

Speaker 3 That first one, he was trying to say that

Speaker 3 the goal was offsides. It's like, how the fuck can you tell that?

Speaker 3 He definitely seems like he moves his leg, but there's no way you can see from that shitty angle from nine. I love the NHL, too.

Speaker 3 It's like they're going to implement fucking replay, but then for whatever reason, they're going to have a camera on top of the goddamn arena.

Speaker 3 At least that's the feed we got. It's like, how the fuck can you tell if the guy's on side or not? I don't know.
Might have been a good call, might have been a bad call. I had no idea.

Speaker 3 But the color commentator was convinced.

Speaker 3 I thought they should have called that one back. Oh, fuck you.
Just go skate down the goddamn river and go get your fucking

Speaker 3 whatever the fuck you guys eat up there.

Speaker 3 So, anyways, we'll see how that one goes.

Speaker 3 I'm hoping, I'm basically hoping the same thing for the Bruins and the Celtics. I know we're not winning the championship in either fucking league.

Speaker 3 I'm just hoping we can go as far as we can, all right? Get some good playoff experience and build on that. That's what the fuck I'm looking for.
That's it. That's all.
Nothing crazy.

Speaker 3 You know, I didn't even look to see if I know the Predators. They won that first game one to nothing.
A pitcher's duel.

Speaker 3 Let's see what the fuck happened with them in game two.

Speaker 3 I know the fucking Rangers and the fucking Canadians were playing. What do we got here? What's going on? What's going on in the world in the NHL?

Speaker 3 Fucking Penguins. They're the team to beat, man.
Fuck the Capitals. Until the Capitals do something.

Speaker 3 Ah, the fucking Canadians won again. God, I hate those fucking bastards.
They're not going to win shit, though. Blues take a three-game to none series over the wild.

Speaker 3 What else do we got here? What's going on? What the fuck?

Speaker 3 Come on, man. Can you just give me the fucking scores here?

Speaker 3 Oh, Pittsburgh wins in overtime.

Speaker 3 All right. Well,

Speaker 3 where's the rest of the scores? What happened yesterday? Chicago win?

Speaker 3 Should it be this difficult? Should you just go on the website and it's just all right there for mouth-breathing morons like me? Is this asking too much? Oh, I went the wrong way.

Speaker 3 Nashville won five to nothing.

Speaker 3 Oh my God.

Speaker 3 Anaheim's up two games to none. Nashville's up two games to none.

Speaker 3 Toronto beat Washington in overtime. Oh, no wonder I didn't hear from fucking Josh.
Adam Myers.

Speaker 3 We lost in overtime. All right, let's fuck this page.
I don't want to go back and relive this shit.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 yeah, that's what I did today. That's what I've been doing this weekend.
Hanging out with my daughter, and I'm just watching playoffs.

Speaker 3 I watched that fucking F1 race in Bahrain, whatever the hell that one was at. I actually taped it this time.
Had a great time watching that. And the Ferraris

Speaker 3 win again.

Speaker 3 Win again.

Speaker 3 What's his face won it? I didn't write down his name. One of those V guys won

Speaker 3 You know, Hamilton got fucking penalized five seconds for driving too slow, slowing up Ricardo, and then people were going, like, hey, you know, I don't think he should have been,

Speaker 3 I don't think he should have been penalized for fucking.

Speaker 3 Basically, what was happening was Mercedes was pitting both their cars at the same fucking time.

Speaker 3 You know?

Speaker 3 So the other guy's in there, the guy who's not Nico Rossberg, he's in there.

Speaker 3 That bolt us guy, right? He's fucking sitting there. It's basically, it's like when the jet pulls into the airport, you know, and you're all excited.

Speaker 3 You're 20 minutes fucking early, but then the guy gets on.

Speaker 3 Captain Speaking,

Speaker 3 as you can see, we arrived about 11 minutes early.

Speaker 3 Unfortunately, our gate is still occupied. So,

Speaker 3 well, it doesn't make a difference if we get here early or not. We're still going to pull up to the jetway at the same time.
So

Speaker 3 just sit back, relax, we have some more information.

Speaker 3 I'm going to

Speaker 3 let you know, enjoy the

Speaker 3 tarmac. Right? Same fucking thing.
Okay, so this fucking guy. Sorry, that went on way too long.
I was just trying to remember the names of the airport shit, right?

Speaker 3 So the other guy's already sitting there. That Boutros, Boutros, Bali guy is already fucking sitting there.
So he's pulling into the pits. He knows he can't go there.

Speaker 3 So he starts slowing the fuck down. You know, causing the other fucking guy, Ricardo,

Speaker 3 his spot's open. It's like, dude, get the fuck out of the way.
You know?

Speaker 3 At least that's the way the officials saw it. But I actually agree with the officials because Lewis Hamilton is,

Speaker 3 you know, I haven't watched too much, but I think he's like that level competitive. Well, he will pull little cunty moves like that.
And I think that that's why he got penalized. You know, because

Speaker 3 it's like when Marchant got busted with the fucking, you know, the stick to the balls. You know what I mean? You're going to get suspended because

Speaker 3 we know the other shit you've done. So I think Lewis Hamilton gets the same fucking treatment.

Speaker 3 Anyways, congratulations to Sebastian Fettel and the Ferrari teams. This has been great.
Three races. Ferrari wins one.
Mercedes wins the other. Now Ferrari wins the third one.
I like it.

Speaker 3 It's going to be a nice back and forth. Sebastian Vettel leads fucking Lewis Hamilton by seven championship points, 68 to 61.
I'm telling you guys, get into it. It's like 57 laps.

Speaker 3 It's a great fucking time.

Speaker 3 Go see what the Illuminati does with their money. It's a phenomenal goddamn sport.
It's already way better than last year, where it was just fucking the Mercedes.

Speaker 3 It was a race to the first turn, and then that was it. It was over.
I've been very, uh, very happy with it this year. Um,

Speaker 3 so, anyways, um,

Speaker 3 what else did I do this weekend? Oh, I've been working out like a fucking maniac.

Speaker 3 Um, I actually got on the scale, it said 174.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 I got some acting work this week. I'd like to be about a buck 72.
You know, that's the weight I kind of need to be around

Speaker 3 so I don't look like a big-headed fucking jackass. You know, shout out to all you actresses out there who think only women deal with that.
It's so hard as a woman.

Speaker 3 Shut up.

Speaker 3 Shut up. You're in a movie.
Shut up. That's like, you know, I got it.
I can't be too loud.

Speaker 3 My daughter's sleeping, but my wife was watching that Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and they were having a tough moment in their family, you know, and they were all sitting there.

Speaker 3 You know, I just...

Speaker 3 It just seems like it's one thing after another. And I know a lot of families deal with that, but just, it's been really fucking, it's been really hard.

Speaker 3 And as they're saying this, they're sitting in a private jet

Speaker 3 being filmed for a television show on their way to New York City.

Speaker 3 And they're all sitting there with these sad pound puppy looks on their faces.

Speaker 3 I don't give a fuck if I was going to my own funeral, if I was on a private jet to fucking New York City, I would be getting shit-faced. The pilots would love me.

Speaker 3 You know, I would never disrupt what they're doing up there. I would be like, I'm fucking tipping you guys, right?

Speaker 3 Sitting there all sad.

Speaker 3 It's just hard because, you know, with everything that happened last year to then come into this year and have more hard things to be happening, it's just really hard.

Speaker 3 I would love to take that clip, you know, and show it to people who actually really have problems.

Speaker 3 Do a reaction video.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 whoever sewed together their fucking clothes, and and I'm guilty of it too. Everything I fucking wear is made in a sweatshop.
I actually tried one time.

Speaker 3 There was a website called No Sweat. I don't know if it still exists, and they made all these clothes.
None of it was sweatshop labor. And I looked at all the clothes, and none of it was cool clothes.

Speaker 3 And I was like, wow,

Speaker 3 I want to do the right thing, but I can't wear that shit. All my friends are going to make fun of me.

Speaker 3 So I put my own insecurity ahead of fucking people

Speaker 3 working for sweatshop labor prices. I don't know.
I just know it's just really hard sometimes, even if you are in a private jet on your way to New York City,

Speaker 3 drinking champagne. They weren't even drinking champagne.
They were just sitting there looking sad with their big fucking brown Kardashian eyes.

Speaker 3 You know what they look like? One of those fucking creepy paintings, you know, they make of kids.

Speaker 3 Remember that artist that just had those giant fucking eyes? That was like his thing. They had these giant fucking creepy eyes.
I got to look this shit up.

Speaker 3 This guy actually made a ton of money. They were considered cute in like the 70s, and I always fucking hated him.

Speaker 3 Always hated him. Oh, by the way, if you're wondering how the point system works in F1, you get 25 points if you come in first, and you get points all the way down to 10th place.
It goes 25,

Speaker 3 like 15, 12, 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, 1. I believe that's how it goes.
And then everybody else can go fuck themselves.

Speaker 3 By the way, how funny was it in that guy driving for the Hondas just bitching over the radio about what a piece of shit his car was? He's sounding like me in high school.

Speaker 3 Except he's driving a fucking Formula One race car.

Speaker 3 He said, This is the most underpowered race car I've ever driven in my life. They're all sitting like, guy, dude, not on the radio.
And then they cut into his car and it says Honda on the side of it.

Speaker 3 Anyways,

Speaker 3 yeah, it was a really fascinating race because they were somewhere in the Middle East and they were worried about sand blowing onto the track, which could chew up the tires and obviously fuck with the traction.

Speaker 3 I don't know. The more I get into it, the more I like it.
What the fuck was I looking at? Okay, creepy,

Speaker 3 big-eyed kids

Speaker 3 paintings.

Speaker 3 70s. This is how I search for shit.

Speaker 3 I bet I get it. I bet I get it.
Come on.

Speaker 3 The big-eyed children, the extraordinary story of an epic art fraud.

Speaker 3 No, that's not them.

Speaker 3 Why does every art gallery have that older white woman with the really short hair, like a boy's haircut, but it's like stylized? You know, like she sings an oasis or some shit.

Speaker 3 Vintage. Oh, there it is.
Is this it?

Speaker 3 No, that's not them. I guess everybody does the big-eyed thing.

Speaker 3 What the f- The big eyes. What the fuck was that thing called? Wasn't it called like love is?

Speaker 3 That's not it. Wow, a lot of people are with the big-eyed kids.
A big-eyed kid's in?

Speaker 3 You fucking big-eyed kid. Love is dot dot dot

Speaker 3 big eyes. Let's see if that works.

Speaker 3 All right, I give up.

Speaker 3 I fucking give up. Now they show me a picture of SpongeBob SquarePants freaking out on some drugs.
Do you guys know the ones I was talking about? They had little bodies. They had giant heads.

Speaker 3 They had these big big fucking eyes,

Speaker 3 these little pink fucking arms and shit. They just were creepy as shit, and everybody thought they were so goddamn cute.

Speaker 3 I was a dumb kid though. Do you know every time I walked into a Photoshop back then and they'd have picture frames and then they would already have like a picture in it?

Speaker 3 Like I thought like you would buy in that picture. And my mother one time was looking at picture frames.
I was like, why would you want that one? I mean, whose kids are those?

Speaker 3 And she just laughed. She just laughed at me.
She goes, no, you take it out and then you put your picture in there. I was like, oh.

Speaker 3 Now that I have a kid, I can't imagine, like, that's got to be a terrifying moment. Like, oh my God, is my kid going to be homeless? How fucking,

Speaker 3 you know, you come home, you look at you, like, that dumbness was not in me. You know, you come home, you look at your spouse.
That's you. You did that.
That's your strand of fucking DNA.

Speaker 3 Messing up my 50%. Thank you very much.

Speaker 3 All right, let me read a little bit of advertising here for the week.

Speaker 3 That's gonna drive me nuts. Those big-eyed fucking kids.
Alright. You want me to read these two now? You wanna hear the story about me trying to make fucking dumplings? Let's talk about that.

Speaker 3 Hey, where any any fucking Asians out there? Any Asians listening to this podcast? Anybody from the Far East? Migrated over here?

Speaker 3 Maybe a second generation? Or maybe your family's like old school and they kept the tradition going so you know how to make fucking dumplings. I

Speaker 3 love dumplings. Alright? I'm like Oprah right now.
I love dumplings.

Speaker 3 I fucking love dumplings. And I told you the story of when I was in Singapore and I was on my way to Hong Kong and I was in the fucking airport lounge and that cunt ate all the fucking dumplings.

Speaker 3 I swear to God, I don't know how his belly wasn't hanging over his pants. He's this little skinny motherfucker.
He was like he was a competitive eater.

Speaker 3 They kept bringing him out in groups of 14, and this fucking guy would eat like 11 of them.

Speaker 3 It's like he was flying around the world, and there was going to be no food in the goddamn plane.

Speaker 3 So, the best dumplings I ever fucking had, I was in Hong Kong.

Speaker 3 I went to some dim sum shit. I don't know what the hell it was, but it is a fucking art form over there.

Speaker 3 But I'll tell you, here in America, they still do a great job with the dumplings, the pots, stickers. I love them.
All right?

Speaker 3 I told you guys a while ago, I was, you know, I wanted to get outside my palate, and I never cooked with any of the Asian shit, even though I love it. Right?

Speaker 3 So, I decided that I'm going to try to make these fucking dumplings, right? So, of course, I don't have any of the ingredients I need other than the flour, hot water,

Speaker 3 sugar, salt, whatever the fuck else did I have. And of course, I had some of that with a soy sauce.
I had that, but everything else I didn't have. I didn't have anything else.

Speaker 3 So, I go to the white grocery store, right? I go to their little Asian section that's right next to the Mexican section that's a little bit bigger.

Speaker 3 And then everything else is just for northern Europeans. I mean, that's that's a white grocery store.
That's what it's like. Okay.

Speaker 3 So I say to the guy, you got any of this fucking chili sauce? Do you have any of the dark soy sauce?

Speaker 3 And, you know, I actually asked an Asian dude that worked at the fish counter, and he was like, nah, nah, man, they don't have that shit here. And I was like, do you know where I can get it?

Speaker 3 And he was like, no. I mean, I don't know where you live.
And I was like, all right, sorry.

Speaker 3 so I ended up going to uh

Speaker 3 uh whatever was it Korea town Thai town I don't know what the fuck it was I went and I went into this grocery store and I come walking whole new fucking world all these fucking noodles all of this shit I'm looking at going that's the stuff when I order there it is right there right

Speaker 3 so I'm looking for my stuff I needed like corn flour

Speaker 3 And they didn't have any. So when I went to the Thai grocery store, I was looking for it.

Speaker 3 And there was this Asian lady there with her mother, and she sees me, the fucking white dude, old round-eye here, looking at the shit, trying to figure stuff out. She starts laughing.

Speaker 3 She goes, What are you trying to make? And then I laughed. I said, I'm going to try to make dumplings.
She goes, all right, what do you need? I said, I'm trying to find cornflower.

Speaker 3 She goes, oh, you know,

Speaker 3 since she talks to her mother,

Speaker 3 they're fucking, you know, it's the real deal. Shit, you know, bilingual shit going down.
And they're trying to help me find the cornflower. They couldn't.

Speaker 3 So they found this other shit that was close to it. And we were like, I don't know if you can use that.
So I was like, ah, fuck it. Maybe I got to go to Chinatown.
I have no fucking idea.

Speaker 3 So I thank them. And they say good luck.
And I leave. Then I'm standing up at the register.
It was hilarious. That same woman came up to me.
And this is what she says to me.

Speaker 3 This is like a minute later. She goes, excuse me.
She goes, were you the guy I was just talking to? And immediately I'm like, oh my God, we all look alike to him.

Speaker 3 So I laugh and I go, yeah. And she goes, I just Googled it.
You can use this as a substitute. She took the time out to Google it.
I was like, you know what? You're awesome. She said, no worries.

Speaker 3 I said, all right, see you later. So now I got a new grocery store to go to.
So I come home. So I go to the meat store.
I get my fucking pork and all that shit. I get my ginger, right?

Speaker 3 All the shit that I'm going to put in there. So I go to make this.
Making the filling was fucking easy. My bok choy, fucking cutting up the green onions, all of that.
It's smelling right.

Speaker 3 It's looking right. Everything's going good.
Then I go to do the fucking dough. And god damn it, that was a motherfucker.

Speaker 3 Not mixing it up, mixing it up was easy, but like just trying to make them into a round circle was

Speaker 3 that was not easy. Forget about folding them up, and so whatever.
I put a little oil in the pan. It took me forever.
It took me like two hours to do this whole thing.

Speaker 3 And I was talking to somebody else who married into an Asian family. It was just like, oh man, he goes, when they do it, they fucking, how quickly,

Speaker 3 you know, they can fucking get the dumpling together and fold it up and make it look right.

Speaker 3 It's like, it's, it's like a fucking, it's like magic, you know, and I'm sitting there all clumsy trying to get the thing together. And it took me like two hours to get the whole thing together.

Speaker 3 And for whatever reason, this fucking recipe, I had like,

Speaker 3 how many did I have? I had like fucking, like, 40 of them.

Speaker 3 I almost quit like 15 times just going like, how many times could I have ordered dumplings from the people that invented them that know what the fuck they're doing? But I plowed ahead, right?

Speaker 3 So I get the oil in the pan, and I just follow the thing. You know, when they get nice and golden brown, then you pour your water in, you put the lid on them, and you steam them.

Speaker 3 When the water's gone, they're done. And I got to tell you,

Speaker 3 they were

Speaker 3 ugly on a scale of 1 to 10. They were a strong six.
Did not look good. Too many different sizes.
Even though the ladies on the video showed me how to do it, I still fucked that up.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 then, you know, I'm the worst. I have to stop fucking doing this because I always go to Nia, like, was it good? How does it taste? Is it good? And the second she knows I want approval,

Speaker 3 she turns into fucking Simon Cowell.

Speaker 3 She was just like, oh, you know, they're,

Speaker 3 you know.

Speaker 3 And I even say, listen, I know these aren't great for a first attempt. That's pretty good, right? I like, you know, insecure fucking guy that I am.

Speaker 3 I need a little, just give me a little fucking feedback. Comedian, that's why I like stand-up.
Huh? Do you guys like it? Ha, ha, ha, we liked it. Dead silence.
All right, I get it.

Speaker 3 All right, how about this one? Now do you like me? Do you like me again? You know, that's how I live my life.

Speaker 3 I live moment to fucking moment, not in a Zen way, just in a completely insecure way, right?

Speaker 3 So she's not giving it up. And I go, so you know,

Speaker 3 what's up? She goes, there's something,

Speaker 3 I don't know, the dough is just not,

Speaker 3 you know, she's clearly just opening them up and just eating the middle out of them.

Speaker 3 I go, too, too, like, sticky.

Speaker 3 She goes, no,

Speaker 3 that's not the word.

Speaker 3 And immediately I'm just like, oh, God, I just want to fucking just, yeah.

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 3 gummy?

Speaker 3 Is that the word?

Speaker 3 Yeah, sticky, gummy.

Speaker 3 You want a thesaurus? However, you say that fucking word?

Speaker 3 So, this is what happened: is, you know,

Speaker 3 I learned from the chef that you got to be, you know, tasting your food.

Speaker 3 Ever, I used to cook and I wouldn't be tasting it, so I was tasting them the whole whole fucking way. And the chef told me, you know,

Speaker 3 by the time it's done, you're not going to want any because you've tasted so much of it. So I'd already had so many fucking dumplings.
The time I got it, like, I was almost a little sick.

Speaker 3 And I fucking ate them. And I knew that they weren't right, but I definitely had a good time.
I think I would quarter that recipe. So I only make like fucking eight of them.

Speaker 3 Then I could have fun and I could actually like take my time rather than dude.

Speaker 3 It was like, I swear to God, it was so perfect that I did it during tax time because that's what it felt like, you know, when you got all your receipts all laid out.

Speaker 3 I had all these little balls of fucking flour.

Speaker 3 But,

Speaker 3 oh, dude, this morning, like, I didn't even clean up. I went downstairs and I was just like, I ate dumplings and I had a fucking scotch.
I was doing so well on my diet.

Speaker 3 The next day, I fucking woke up, look like a starving child with a distended belly. You know, if that starving child was an alcoholic.
And, um,

Speaker 3 so I fucking

Speaker 3 came upstairs, and just the smell of that fucking soy sauce and all that shit after all those dumplings I fucking ate.

Speaker 3 And I swear to God, I actually have a newfound respect for that son of a bitch that ate all the dumplings

Speaker 3 in

Speaker 3 Singapore. I don't know what the fuck that guy's stomach is made out of, but dude, you can't eat all of that dough.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 then, of course, eating like that kind of threw me off my diet. Went to this fucking great cookout today, and

Speaker 3 I ate well, but not well, if you know what I mean. So, who knows? Whatever.
I'm doing well. I'm doing well with the diet.
I'm still going in the right direction.

Speaker 3 Okay, I've shaved off about eight pounds off of the fucking Christmas ham here. Oh, Billy's going to be able to fit in his suits in about another five pounds.
Get down to like 170, 171. That's it.

Speaker 3 Then I'm going to try on that suit again. You know why? Because I'm not a quitter.

Speaker 3 All right?

Speaker 3 I hung in there with the dumplings.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to fucking go down to the, I'm not going to be that guy. I told you guys that.
I'm not going to be the guy that goes down to the dry cleaners and has his fucking suits let out.

Speaker 3 Sitting there with your fucking shoulders slumped.

Speaker 3 Alright? And if you're in that right now,

Speaker 3 if you're doing that right now, you've got to keep one fucking suit.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 That you don't do that to. And I would make it your favorite fucking suit, the one you look the best in.

Speaker 3 That's it. You're going to have your fat suits.
You're literally wearing a fat suit like fucking Eddie Murphy in the clumps.

Speaker 3 Except when they say cut, you know, in the end of the day, they can't remove it. What are you doing?

Speaker 3 Get on a fucking treadmill. All right.
All right.

Speaker 3 Let's get to

Speaker 3 some of the fucking questions here for the week, shall we?

Speaker 3 Shall we?

Speaker 3 The lovely Nia, everybody. Is my food here? Oh, yeah, it's been here.
It's been here. What did I order again?

Speaker 3 A salad with chicken, because you're on a diet. Yes.

Speaker 3 Everybody knows. I was talking to you about

Speaker 3 your cold, calculated review of my dumplings. What are you talking about? You know how you do.
Hey, sweetie. What's up, buddy?

Speaker 3 You just woke up.

Speaker 3 Look at that smile.

Speaker 3 Oh, she's. You know what? I know I'm biased, but we got one cute-ass kid.

Speaker 3 Yeah, your dumplings. Yeah, your dumplings.

Speaker 3 You made dumplings.

Speaker 3 See, this is what I'm talking about. It's so cold.

Speaker 3 Yes, you,

Speaker 3 you, you, you made dumplings. You tried.

Speaker 1 I mean, you, no, you made it.

Speaker 3 I don't mean you tried. You did make it.

Speaker 3 No, you can't. This is, this is, you can't, you can't give it up ever.

Speaker 3 I look how hard this is for you. Give it up?

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 I feel like I'm very honest with you, is what it is, because I respect you. So.
Ooh, you're going to turn this around. That was a nice little flippy-doo that you did there.
Because I respect you.

Speaker 3 I'm going to be honest with you. If I didn't respect you, I would just be like, oh, yeah, everything you do is amazing.
Well, wait, that didn't come out right either.

Speaker 3 What I'm trying to say is, I think that you put forth a great effort.

Speaker 3 I'm just going to let let you keep talking your way down this fucking well. I'm done.
I'm done. I'm done.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 Well, you know what I realized? I respect you too.

Speaker 3 What does that mean? It means I'm going to start being as honest as you are.

Speaker 3 That's what I'm going to do. What is it exactly that you're upset with me about?

Speaker 3 Because you can't just be like, you know,

Speaker 3 they're all right. They're not great.
That would be perfect. But you have to be like, um,

Speaker 3 there's something with the dough. And I was just like, is it sticky? You're like,

Speaker 3 that's not the word.

Speaker 3 Just let me just put two behind my ear and I'll move on to the next fucking meal. Then you had to finally just be like,

Speaker 3 gummy?

Speaker 3 Is that the word? That's what and then you said, what gummy means you can like blow bubbles with it. And I just couldn't even say anything because if I said anything, I would start laughing.

Speaker 3 Because obviously, I don't mean that you can blow bubbles with it. I know.
You just.

Speaker 3 You're a tough. You're a tough one.
You're a tough one. It's tough to get a compliment out of you.
Dumplings are not. I don't feel like dumplings are oh so easy to make.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 It was your first try. They looked amazing.
The filling was good.

Speaker 3 Just the dough part was. Yeah, the dough part was definitely off.
I think I like overcooked it, I think. I'm not sure.
But no, I'm just saying, you have like

Speaker 3 you have this, like, you just take out the sickle

Speaker 3 when it's coming. You turn like an Olympic judge

Speaker 3 to be like, you could be like, yeah, I mean, they're not the best, but you know, you'll get them on the next one. Give me a little pat on the fucking head.
You're just like, nope.

Speaker 3 These are not good.

Speaker 3 Have a nice evening.

Speaker 3 I will see you in the morning. Okay, well, then I will.

Speaker 3 All right. I'll take this opportunity.
You won't. I've been talking to you about this for 14 years.

Speaker 3 To be better. Hey, buddy.

Speaker 3 Oh, can I take a bite out of this?

Speaker 3 Huh?

Speaker 3 Why can't you stay this age forever?

Speaker 3 Just be this big, big ball of cute we carry around. Yeah.
Huh?

Speaker 3 She's got a mischievous look on her face. Yeah.
Huh? You're going to be toughy tonight? Like last night? Oh, last night. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Last night was a rough one. Yeah, I'll tell you, it was a rough one.
All right, let me finish this up here so I can go eat my cold fish or chicken or whatever I ordered. Chicken.
Chicken. All right.

Speaker 3 I thought you were almost done. That's why I came in here.
No, I'm not. You're way off the mic.
We've probably been annoying the shit out of people for the last five minutes. Okay.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 3 I'm out of here. All right.

Speaker 3 Hey, Nia, that dress is.

Speaker 3 I mean, it's a dress. You're wearing it.

Speaker 3 And I still, I can't even do it to you. You look great.

Speaker 3 Asshole, get out of here.

Speaker 3 All right. Wagon.

Speaker 3 Please read. Please read.

Speaker 3 Hey there, Billy Baby wife. Eh, it's the first kid one.

Speaker 3 All right, I heard the email you read a couple weeks ago about the older guy who was wondering if it was worth it to lay off the booze and reconnect with his family.

Speaker 3 I can tell you I wasn't as bad as that guy, but it made me realize I could be a better person. I quit boozing two days after I heard his story.

Speaker 3 I called my brother and I started a dialogue I should have started eight years ago. I used to listen to you talk about booze and think it was an excuse to keep boozing, not placing the blame on you.

Speaker 3 I'm a moron. Well, yeah, I mean, I don't know you, so

Speaker 3 I wouldn't think that you were trying to blame me. I wouldn't accept the blame either.

Speaker 3 But then I realized you don't drink all day, every day, and that you have a full career and a kid and a wife. I have a plumbing and heating job and a terrier.

Speaker 3 I still smoke weed because it helps with my arthritis, which is actually very severe and prevents me from doing things.

Speaker 3 Just picture you jerking off. God damn it,

Speaker 3 I can't sustain it. It prevents me from doing things like running and lifting comfortably.

Speaker 3 The call to my brother initiated,

Speaker 3 well, I bet taking all that booze out of your system will probably help out. I don't think boozing is good for your joints, is it? All that sugar?

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 I always just repeat shit that I half listen to. I'm sorry.
The call to my brother initiated his inviting me to Easter. Nice.
The first holiday I will spend with my family in almost nine years.

Speaker 3 Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right.
Well, I don't know what you're thanking me for.

Speaker 3 You did it. I don't know that I said anything.
By the way,

Speaker 3 my wife was watching Dr. Phil,

Speaker 3 and they had this fucking guy on there.

Speaker 3 It was one of the most fucked-up things I've ever seen on TV. This guy was basically going on the internet.
He was into conspiracy theory and he lost his job and he got into this meditating thing.

Speaker 3 And he said he had reached this spiritual plane

Speaker 3 of constant meditation and nobody, and he couldn't explain it to anybody around him, like his wife. And Dr.

Speaker 3 Phil's trying to talk to the guy, and he goes, and he just kept going, like, so what are you trying?

Speaker 3 You're meditating, you're on the internet, you're meditating.

Speaker 3 And then the guy just kept taking this arrogant

Speaker 3 line with him going, yeah, see, once again, I mean, you'd have to read up. I mean, I can't just explain this to you.

Speaker 3 I can send you links to try to get to my level, basically, basically, of higher thinking. And then Dr.
Phil's like, don't talk down to me.

Speaker 3 Okay, first of all, you don't know me. I'm one of the most open-minded people you're ever going to meet.
First of all, who the fuck says that about themselves?

Speaker 3 I'm one of the greatest people I've ever met, right? So, long story short,

Speaker 3 they bring in Deepak Chopra, all right? Another whore

Speaker 3 of spirituality, you know, where he's a whore of psychology. And this fucking jerkoff comes in with these fucking bright red sneakers on and sits down next to this guy.

Speaker 3 And the guy's freaking out because he feels like he's on the same plane as this guy.

Speaker 3 And then he proceeds to basically say that this guy is

Speaker 3 abandoning his family. He picked his words carefully.
I will say that about old fucking Deepak,

Speaker 3 D to the motherfucking chopra. He basically picked his words carefully.
But in the end,

Speaker 3 he said to Dr. Phil that he feels this guy is bipolar.

Speaker 3 This fucking poor bastard found out that he was bipolar on national television.

Speaker 3 And the guy fucking sits there, acts like he's helping people.

Speaker 3 Basically, you're bipolar. You're not reaching a higher spiritual plane as much as you are experiencing a manic episode.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm just doing that Judge Judy shit where he's talking all tough to the.

Speaker 3 Two minutes into it, I was like, this guy needs some serious psychological help. And I don't know shit.

Speaker 3 Fucking Deepak coming out,

Speaker 3 making this face. I'm trying to think who the fuck he looks like.

Speaker 3 I don't know what he looks like Liberace.

Speaker 3 Whatever, whatever nationale, what is he? Is he Indian?

Speaker 3 He's like, if India had a Liberachi, would they ever do the fucking Michael Douglas Matt Damon version of Liberace if they do in some Bollywood thing?

Speaker 3 You got to cast that guy.

Speaker 3 And I love that he was just available, too. Does he live out in Hollywood?

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 Anyways, I have no fucking idea. I don't know anymore.
You know, one of my favorite things, too, is my wife is on Instagram. And

Speaker 3 Instagram's a pain in the ass because if you're not on it, you can't look at the photos and shit. And I I just can't join another social media site.

Speaker 3 But one of my favorite fucking things are those people who take up pictures of themselves and their amazing bodies after they work out.

Speaker 3 And rather than just in saying, don't I look fucking amazing, they actually act like they're trying to motivate you, you know?

Speaker 3 Like, reach hashtag reach your goals.

Speaker 3 Hashtag putting that work in.

Speaker 3 I don't,

Speaker 3 I think

Speaker 3 I've just become an old man now, and I don't understand younger people. I just don't understand, like,

Speaker 3 the level of douche chills that you would take a picture of yourself while you're working out,

Speaker 3 you know, under the guise that you're trying to motivate people.

Speaker 3 You know, like, this isn't about me, guys. This is in my eight-pack.
This is about you.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to, I try to inspire people with my beauty.

Speaker 3 That's why I don't believe in Christ.

Speaker 3 When I just see moments like that, it's just like, what is God waiting for? When are you going to send this dude back? Like, how bad does it have to get?

Speaker 3 You know, in a way, I almost blame God at this point. It's like, you're enabling us.

Speaker 3 How long are you going to keep letting us have the intelligence to invent these devices to further disappear up our own assholes? As I said in a podcast talking to myself for a fucking hour.

Speaker 3 Ah, Jesus. I swear to God, every time I think I'm making a point, I just realize what a fucking hypocrite I am.
All right, little girl statue in Syria.

Speaker 3 Okay, this sounds like clickbait.

Speaker 3 You know, when you see little girl finds a statue in Syria, what she does next will shock you.

Speaker 3 And, you know, you click on it and there's one photo and 87 ads. Fuck all of those sites.

Speaker 3 All right, Bill. For days, people flooded Facebook in praise of the little girl statue they placed in front of the Wall Street bull.

Speaker 3 Everybody, mostly women and social justice warriors, went on about resisting

Speaker 3 and how powerful the statue was.

Speaker 3 I choose to fight.

Speaker 3 It turns out the little girl statue was put up by a media/slash marketing company that has zero interest in doing anything but creating a buzz for themselves.

Speaker 3 That's not all. The bull itself was a piece of art erected by an independent artist.
It was panned by Wall Street and they wanted it removed. The people kept it there.
Everyone is a sucker.

Speaker 3 Whatever that means. K-O-N-Y 2012.

Speaker 3 I cited a source below, unless the rest of the twats

Speaker 3 on Facebook.

Speaker 3 I think you skipped some words here. Sorry for the stomach growling.

Speaker 3 Also, that white hat documentary that went everywhere about the group of volunteers that came to the aid of Syrian chemical weapons victims was part of a huge agenda to make America mad at the Syrian regime.

Speaker 3 International reporters are questioning the source of those weapons. Some think

Speaker 3 it wasn't even the Syrian government. We're all fucked.
Love you. Love Nia.
Congrats on the little lady.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I believe believe all that type of shit.

Speaker 3 I believe that type of shit.

Speaker 3 Um, I don't know about any of that type of stuff, but I definitely believe that they show images to make us fucking upset about stuff, you know.

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 3 seems very easy to defeat terrorism to me. All you do is just embrace the electric cars, just make everything electric.

Speaker 3 We stop buying oil from those guys, they don't have any money, they go bankrupt, and next thing you know, they can't afford anything but rocks.

Speaker 3 We're not over there, they gradually forget about us, they go back to arguing with one another. And we just slowly back away.
Why don't we just do that? You know why? Because there's no money in that.

Speaker 3 That's what I think. But what do I know? All right.
Terrified

Speaker 3 of a threesome.

Speaker 3 Can I click on this link up here? What is this link this person sent me? I don't know why. Oh, I know why, because I don't have it.
I got to click on it when it's in the email.

Speaker 3 What's in the

Speaker 3 email? Now, how do I find where the fucking email is? Live reads. Boom.
I go to that.

Speaker 3 Click on inbox.

Speaker 3 Retrace all my steps. Go to the content.
Scroll down.

Speaker 3 Click on the link. Wait for it to open.
It is now trying to load.

Speaker 3 All right, I'll get back to that in a minute. In the meantime, terrified of a threesome.
Hey, parentheses, insert cheap redhead insult here. Huge fan, love your stand-up and efforts for family.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 3 I'm a 21-year-old college student who has a girlfriend that is bisexual and beautiful as well. God

Speaker 3 bless you.

Speaker 3 Woo!

Speaker 3 God bless you, sir. God bless you.

Speaker 3 There's no way you don't believe in God, man. God bless you.
We've talked about asking girls to join us in bed and are finally getting ready to have it happen.

Speaker 3 The girl that's joining us is a girl that the both of us have gotten with in the past at different times. Ah,

Speaker 3 this is perfect. The only problem is that I get freaked the fuck fuck out when I think about this happening.
Both of the women involved are hot and experienced, which is what scares me.

Speaker 3 I'm not that astounding-looking of a guy, not that well-in doubt as far as my dick goes, and not experienced at all. Are you going to talk yourself onto this, dude?

Speaker 3 And not experienced at all compared to these girls. How do I get past my fears and relax enough to

Speaker 3 be into what's happening and make sure I make it worthwhile for both these ladies? Thanks, and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 3 Dude,

Speaker 3 do not fuck this up.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 The only way you can fuck this up is to not show up. Just show up and let nature take over.
Okay? It's all right to be freaked out. You're 21 years old.

Speaker 3 You got two fucking smoking hot chicks want to fucking bang you at the same time. That's a lot.
That's rock star shit.

Speaker 3 I don't know what you do for a living, but I'm guessing you're not a fucking rock star. So yeah, this is this is this is fucking great.
This is a great goddamn thing.

Speaker 3 You know, and if you want to, I just tell your girlfriend, just be like, Yeah, I'm excited and I've got to be honest, I'm a little nervous.

Speaker 3 You guys are both so, but just keep painting about because they're so beautiful and all things. She'll be like, Don't wear relax, just follow my lead.
Just do that. Just be open and honest about it.

Speaker 3 But don't take it to the fucking point that you're like, don't say all that other shit. You know, I'm not the best-looking guy.
I could have had a bigger dick.

Speaker 3 Then she's going to think, well, what the fuck am I doing this with you for? Don't go that far. All right?

Speaker 3 Here's the thing, dude. You're definitely good-looking enough.
You You definitely got a big enough dick, or none of this shit would be happening. Right?

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 You got called up to the show.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 3 Get up to the plate and swing out of your fucking cleats. I would let them start.
Let them start. And then you just kind of fucking, you know,

Speaker 3 work your way in. That's all.

Speaker 3 Just start making out with both of them. That's it.

Speaker 3 Get some fucking, I don't know. I don't just, just, please, please, dude.

Speaker 3 Please, for the someday 48-year-old you,

Speaker 3 who'll probably be doing a podcast by himself, okay, please, don't fuck this up, okay? Don't do not talk yourself out of this. You're getting in your fucking head.
All right?

Speaker 3 You've already gotten with both of them.

Speaker 3 She obviously likes your dick. She's coming back for more.
Your girlfriend's still there. This is just like, this is something else, dude.

Speaker 3 And this is a great experience for you to push past all that fucking low self-esteem. All right? So, man the fuck up.

Speaker 3 Have a great time. Follow-up email, please.
All right, my girl loves me too much. Aww, but I can't love myself at all.
All right, hey, Billy, moose knuckle. I always forget what that is.

Speaker 3 I know what a camel toe is. I don't know what a moose knuckle is.

Speaker 3 I'm a 22-year-old. Is that a Canadian camel toe? I don't know.
I'm a 22-year-old college student, and I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. Things have been great.

Speaker 3 Only problem is that she's got the tendency to tell me I love you, or you're so important to me or I adore you at least 15 times a day without any lead-up. Oh, yeah, that's creepy.

Speaker 3 She just does it out of the boo.

Speaker 3 I guess it's nice to hear, but after a point, it makes me wonder if she has some underlying issue.

Speaker 3 I'm the first boyfriend, and she's still shocked, even after dating for a year, that someone finds her attractive.

Speaker 3 Sorry, hiccups are coming.

Speaker 3 On top of all this, she gets weird and passive-aggressive when I suggest I have a night to myself, saying things like, I guess I'll stay home alone or I'll just eat leftover soup and watch the food network.

Speaker 3 This shit kills me, and I usually cave and come over. I'm an introvert at heart and need my time alone to recharge and study or read my favorite books.

Speaker 3 When we're together, we mostly watch movies, talk about school, or fuck, which is fine, but I need to be alone once in a while. I have too much empathy and I'm a pushover, which doesn't help anything.

Speaker 3 Doesn't help anything. I need some advice.
Do you think she has an attachment problem, or is it something else? Thanks and go fuck yourself. I would just work on your end of it.

Speaker 3 Whatever her issue is, it might come to a head when you just say, listen, no, I just need alone time sometimes.

Speaker 3 You know, and let her pout and do whatever the fuck she wants to do.

Speaker 3 And eventually she'll accept that about you, or she'll tell you why she's too insecure to not spend the night, you know, spend a night alone,

Speaker 3 or she'll flip the fuck out

Speaker 3 and you'll be like, Wow, I'm not with the right person. But I can tell you this:

Speaker 3 not doing what you want to do in a relationship is the quickest way to poison the water. Okay? And I don't mean just going out and fucking around and doing all shit like that, but I mean, like,

Speaker 3 you know, if you don't like going to brunch, you have to tell them you don't like going to brunch. Now, you still have to go to some brunches, but you're not going to be going to them all the time.

Speaker 3 All right?

Speaker 3 To not tell her that you're an introverted heart and you need your time alone to recharge and study and all that type of shit, read your favorite books, You know,

Speaker 3 she has to respect that about you, and you got to respect that about you, okay? Stop giving in to what the fuck she wants.

Speaker 3 You having a night alone every once in a while is not a crazy request, okay? And I would do that first and see how she reacts.

Speaker 3 And you might get to the bottom of why she has to say, I love you and I adore you and all of that shit 50 times a fucking day.

Speaker 3 Probably because she's probably terrified that it's not going to end well.

Speaker 3 You know, if she's never had another boyfriend, I'm guessing she's around your age. Maybe that gave her some sort of complex.
I don't fucking know.

Speaker 3 This is something for you guys to work out, but I got to tell you this right now: if you need alone time, you got to tell her that, or else you're going to end up presenting her, and the whole relationship is going to gradually start its fucking downward spiral.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 that's it. And it crashes and burns right in a fucking cornfield.

Speaker 3 Okay, that's it. That's the podcast for this week.

Speaker 3 Is that everything that I wanted to talk about? I got Boise Idaho coming up

Speaker 3 this weekend. Yes, next weekend.
I'll be out there with Rosebow, Tailgate, Legend, and Puckoff, host, All Things Comedy Network, podcaster Joe Bartnick.

Speaker 3 We're going to have a great time when we're up there.

Speaker 3 That is all. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Speaker 3 Hold on to tonight.

Speaker 3 But what can I do

Speaker 3 without you?

Speaker 3 If it means you

Speaker 3 need me,

Speaker 3 find you in parentheses.

Speaker 3 Can we just

Speaker 3 hold on to tonight?

Speaker 3 It was your place,

Speaker 3 it didn't look like him.

Speaker 3 Found a tree stitching your sin.

Speaker 3 I couldn't find

Speaker 3 anything about it.

Speaker 3 Not a concern inside

Speaker 3 how the reminiscent turns me blind.

Speaker 3 Don't let dance pull you down,

Speaker 3 and don't let love fool you now.

Speaker 3 I wanna hold on to tonight.

Speaker 3 Hold on to tonight.

Speaker 3 I wanna hold on to tonight.

Speaker 3 Hold on to tonight.

Speaker 3 What can I do

Speaker 3 without you?

Speaker 3 If it means you

Speaker 3 be with me.

Speaker 3 Find you in benefit.

Speaker 3 Can we just hold on to tonight?

Speaker 3 Don't let dads hold you down

Speaker 3 and don't let luck fool you now.

Speaker 3 Hold on to tonight.

Speaker 3 Hold on to tonight.

Speaker 3 Hold on to tonight

Speaker 3 Hold on to you tonight

Speaker 3 Hold on to tonight