Gifting Horses, Work Hours, Smart Kids | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you. Ow! Ow! Remember that? That was always in rock music.
At some point, you know, when you sang a song in the 70s and 80s, at some point you had to be like, ow! Um, Joan Jett. Na-na.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Na-na-na-na.
Ow! Burnout. I just picture all the producers back then like, you know, this song, it needs something.
Does it need more cowbell? No, it needs an ow! And it's going to go to the next level. So people know that you're rocking, that you're not fucking around, man.
Don't say ow like you're hurt. Say ow like something's going to happen.
Anyway, all right, I'm in a stupid mood. I, of course, have a million things to do today.
Still fucking beautiful weather out here

But you still need to I'm in a stupid mood. I, of course, have a million things to do today.

Still fucking beautiful weather out here,

but you still need like a jacket.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like almost spring, but it's still winter.

Oh, my God. This guy hit me with this fucking term.

What the fuck was it? A surprising something or other. Oh my God.
How they come up with these fucking terms. It basically meant that you had empathy for a problem but they had to turn it into a compliment for the person.
I forget what it was. It's the usual shit.
You know what I mean? I care. I'm such a good person because i cared you know what i mean you know that problem other people are having let's not talk about the problem but let's focus on how much i care about it as i do absolutely nothing about it wow you have a surprising like interest in that without doing anything about it you should be complimented let's go to costco

anyway i saw a great fucking video today because i don't read man there was this lizard getting

constricted by this snake so one of his lizard buddies came over and was like oh not on my

fucking watch and he starts attacking the snake and the snake sees him coming he knows what he's doing the snake's going like this guy's showing up to save his fucking buddy that's not happening i need to eat right so he's choking out his friend you got to give it up to the snake man he was still choking out his friend while trying to bite his other friend and his other his friend just took the hits it was just like i don't you know that's not how you kill buddy your bites don't mean shit to me until you you put me in a chokehold this this isn't this just hit me with jabs that's my bro bro and he fucking saved the guy now i want to smart people, scientists think about that. Cause I thought reptiles didn't have feelings, but they didn't have that ability.
Like that was an amazing, uh, I don't know. Those were all reptiles.
I thought that they didn't, they didn't like the one guy saw that his friend was getting choked out and not only did he do something about it the other snake knew that he was gonna do that because that was his friend i thought that they didn't think that way bill why don't you say the same thing 50 times in a row all right i was a little surprised because you know i've seen lions save another lion when there's a bunch they get surrounded by hyenas he's trying to bite him in the fucking vagina so the female lion has to sit down until the male lion with his pimp coat shows up and just fucking attacks all of them it's kind of amazing like the respect they have for the male they'll go after a female and they do most of the killing too that's what kills me right but then the male lion shows up just one of him in like 40 hyenas like yeah

fuck this shit dad's home dad's home and they all they all take off that's it the mail line shows up like a dad in the 70s in his company car maybe he's got that lincoln continental that had like the first extra brake lights on the trunk remember that one in like 73 or 74 my neighbor had one of And I was like, that guy is fucking rich.

Remember that?

When you were young and you thought your neighbors were rich, even though they lived in the same neighborhood? Just because they, I don't know, they bought something. They had a boat.
You know, or they got a new car. Like, dude, their lawn looked nice.
They're fucking rich. It's like, no, they're just better with money.
They're making the same amount of money as your parents. They just, you know, they're not blowing it on dumb shit.
Although a boat, you have to admit, is there anything better than when your neighbor buys a boat? That's the best. You don't want to be the guy that buys the boat.
You want to be the guy that knows the guy that has the boat. So then you show up, right? And you're like, dude, whatever you need.
I'll bring the booze and I'll bring the food. As long as you buy the boat, get your captain's license, pay all the fees, put it in the water, take it out of the water, get the barnacle scraped off it.

You do all of that, all right?

I'll just show up with some millers.

And we're going to have a good old fucking time. You know who the best person ever to be friends with

was fucking Elvis Presley, according to his relatives.

I remember Priscilla Presley was saying that

Here we go. and Elvis Presley according to his uh his relatives I remember Priscilla Presley was saying that you know he wanted to ride horses so he bought himself a horse he bought everyone in his entourage a horse and then everyone had to have a pickup truck to put their saddle in so they could drive over you know some reason Elvis wasn't into commuting and yeah he did all of that which just showed how generous and lonely he was and how many hanger-on he's hanger-ons he had because wouldn't you be like Elvis you know dude the amount of fucking runoff pussy I'm getting just by standing next to you you don't have to buy me a horse I don't need a pickup truck for the saddle I'll walk over, dude.
I'll borrow a horse. You know, you know, come on.
What are we doing here? E, what's going on, man? Um, I went to bed early tonight, you know. I went out like every single night and I was getting ready because I had to do an hour, an hour, like Joan Jett.

You know what's funny?

When my daughter was little, she wouldn't say Joan Jett.

The way she said her name, she said Joan Jett Rocks because she asked me one time when I was playing I Love Rock and Roll for her on the way to school. She was asking me who it was.
She said, who is this? And I said, Joan Jett. And she was like, Joan Jett.
I go, yeah, Joan Jett rocks. And then like for the rest of the time during that school year, when she was like, you know, four or five years old, she'd be like, dad, dad, can I listen to joan jet rocks adorable make sure you take in all those moments it goes by so fast is there anything worse than talking to a parent that has children older than you and you have to shoulder all their regret and sadness because their kids are now teenagers or they've moved out of the house I know everybody says this but I'm going to say it if you know everybody says it then shut up make sure you take it all you know what it is about when your kids get older you forget how fucking exhausted you were when they were cute you know and every like fucking hour you had to change a diaper or they would sleep for 20 minutes before they started screaming bloody murder you know and you're walking around and there's like a zombie you're exhausted and then you got these older parents going make sure you take in every second like that's what they did they didn't you took in as much as you could and you slowly lost your mind from the lack of sleep stop telling younger people to take in every second they're fucking sleep deprived um anyway i just got a good slice of fucking pizza i was down in uh tribeca which um you know that's supposed to be a hot hot neighborhood in new york city but it's got the fucking holland tunnel right there it just destroys the neighborhood you know just all these people trying to get into the holland tunnel it makes all the streets all diagonal and fucking weird and there's like nobody walking you got to go like up to canal street to like run into people everybody else is just you go down the side streets i just feel like it's uh i don't know like russian models and people that work in business some sort of finance or something where you got to wear like a suit everybody's just sort of walking around in like days.aze um but anyway they got a good coffee shop down there that's what i was doing and then i went by i went by this pizza place that was great down there too and what's funny was i saw a guy you ever like you know you have like a busy day and you just see a homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk in the sun and you just start thinking like i'd fucking love to do that I mean I wouldn't want to be homeless but that part of being homeless right there that it's Thursday afternoon and you could just soak in the sun laying on the street buzzing off of whatever the fuck you've just panhandled money for in that moment I don't think it gets any better than being homeless you know once you come down and you're still fucking homeless and nobody seems to love you enough to let them, you know, to help you out, you got to deal with that sadness before you start to cycle over again.
But when you're in the moment, when you got the fix, and you're laying in the sun like an old fucking bloodhound on a porch, and everybody else is scurrying off to go work for the man man it's not a bad thing so anyway i'm walking down canal street and i see this guy he's smoking a fucking i think it's a blunt i've never smoked a blunt but it's a fat ass fucking joint and he had a fucking cup of espresso in his hand and not like a plastic little cup or anything. He had an actual like little espresso cup with a fucking joint.
It was like 10 in the morning. He was smoking a blunt, drinking an espresso, which I don't know what that does to your body.
Don't you just kind of level off? But I just looked at it and I was just like, that fucking guy, that guy knows how to live.

There's this other group of guys I saw, like, right outside.

I was at this subway stop near the show,

and they got a coffee shop downstairs as you go into the subway station, and I walked by this group of guys. It was, like, 11 in the morning, and they were all standing around smoking a joint.
And look at those guys, middle of the day. What do you do for a living that you can just fucking get baked at 11 in the morning at your age? That's amazing, right? And then I get on the subway.
I go downtown. I do all my bullshit, and then I'm coming back up to do the show.
I get to stop and they're still fucking there still smoking weed it was like a work day like that's one of those things you know as i'm getting older like i don't understand like when the fuck do people go to work how are people working you know i live in la there's traffic 24 7 i know a lot of people are driving around doing uber so that kind of adds to it or postmating or amazon and or ups and or fedexing but uh i don't know i'm old enough to remember like the 90s and what was amazing is being a comedian in the 90s like during during the fucking day, you could get a seat on the subway.

You could drive down the fucking street.

Everyone was at work.

Rush hour was, you know,

seven to nine

and five to seven.

But if you were driving between those hours,

forget about it.

Arm out the window.

Listening to Lionel Richie,

that's why I'm easy.'m easy like sunday um he looks like a lion doesn't he i always felt that guy looked like a lion especially when he had the fro like grown out a little bit when he was in the commodores you know what's amazing about that guy i think he was a horn player when he was in the Commodores. You know what's amazing about that guy? I think he was a horn player when he was in the Commodores.
Like how fucking ridiculously talented is that guy? And then he goes solo. He leaves a hit group as a horn player.
I might be wrong on that. I think he played a trumpet or some shit.
He leaves, sits down behind a piano, and then just, I think I'll bang out like fucking

50, 75 hits.

You know,

as you do.

Hello.

I just got to let

you know.

Oh, what

a feeling.

Boo-da-boo.

Dancing on the

Ceiling. I don't know about that.
Those lyrics were-boo. Dancing on the ceiling.

I don't know about that.

That was, those lyrics were a little, I don't know. He must have been on Molly.
Just extra happy. All right.
Fuck that I ended up talking about Lionel Richie. I can play that intro on piano.
And I start to play it and everybody's like, oh, wow, he can play piano. I'm like, that's all I know.
Go get it. Do do do do do do do do do.

Boop, boop. piano and I start to play it and everybody's like oh wow he can play piano I'm like that's all I know and then I'm done bravo ow uh that's how I should end it um anywho uh I watched the MotoGP race from qatar um i'm gonna say the most exciting race of the year even though it had the same result with mark marquez winning although he didn't he crashed out in uh in in austin but uh get well soon to jorge martin that was um frightening accident for those of you who didn watch, you got a little too aggressive in a turn and the bike slid out from underneath him.
And was it Fabio D.G. Antonio, the longest fucking last name ever, like kind of sort of ran over him with his bike.
And he has a compression injury with one of his ribs, man. It was scary because I remember the last time somebody died,

I remember the same sort of thing happened

where there was a group of bikes and the kid wiped out

and the guy ran over him and he drove over his neck.

It was fucking brutal.

The kid was only 24 years old,

but that was before I started watching, thank God.

But that's the last i heard

it's kind of i don't want to jinx the sport but it is amazing um how fast they go and how pedestrian the injuries are compared to back in the day like f1 all of that stuff like guys used to just die on a regular basis i will tell you the most fucked up thing that I've seen since watching MotoGP, where I can't believe nobody died, was they were going down the straightaway. And at the end of the straightaway was this hard right turn.
So on the inside of the straightaway was this grassy area. And, you know, usually on that straightaway, they get up over 200 miles an hour.
And, you know, people go side by side. But very rarely on a straightaway is there an accident.
So the leaders had already gone down the straightaway and had started to make that right turn. And in the middle of the field, these two guys had collided.
And they went over on the grass. And this motorcycle, both the motorcycles started cartwheeling down the track towards where those people were, like, right turn and this fucking what was left of this motorcycle and in the engine went flying right through the riders like in between like threaded the needle between somebody else and Valentino Rossi and if that had hit either one of them they would have instantly um been dead and I just think it was one of those freak things um thank god nobody died I'm sure they did something to try to like I don't know what make sure like something like that couldn't happen again but um I would say this is the scariest thing I've seen um he immediately got up, so it wasn't scary.
But any time you see somebody get run over by another bike, you're like, oh, my God. Obviously.
But anyway, it was an amazing race. Plenty of, like, lead changes and all that.
It took me, like, three days to watch it because I've been having to punch up the script during the day and doing the play also and um anyways it just looks like i don't know it's just the mark marquez show but there was this who the fuck was leading the race i can't even remember for a while but marquez has this new thing in his game where he used to be so competitive he always had to be in first place so he could chew up his tires when he was younger but now he like he did this with Alex like he lets you pass and he just stays in second place for like 10-12 laps and while he pushes you and you chew up your tires and he's going easy on the bike and with full confidence in his abilities that he can pass you whenever he wants to and that's what he does with like five six laps to go four laps to go he just does it and then he wins the race and um i actually think this might be the best riding that i've ever seen him do but granted i'm also a stand- stand-up comedian. All right? Hey, hey.
I'm going to do like the influencers. Guys.
Hey, guys. What do I know? I've seen that dude on Instagram that makes fun of the food people and the way that they talk where they're like, Oh, my God, you guys.
I went to a coffee spot and it's this hidden gem that has now gone viral.

I went in there

and I got the mocha coca yate,

which was to die for.

The line is 45 minutes long,

but it is totally worth the wait.

Why do they all talk?

Is that like AI or something?

I noticed that when I was, you know,

looking up the Jorge Martin crash, trying to see who was it that ran over him and everyone was just an ai voice that said i love that they got jorge right they said jorge martin had a really bad and i watched like three of them trying to figure out who was it was running over over. I just like yelled at my phone.
It's Marty. How can you say fucking Jorge? By the way, guys, guys.
Stop fucking listening to these fucking scientists who are saying that these fucking robots feel feelings. They don't feel feelings.
Something that's not alive cannot feel feelings. All right? All you fucking bought and paid for, whored out fucking journalists, stop interviewing these robots like they're for us.
They're not. Stop asking the robot what feelings do you feel? Like how much are they fucking paying you? You fucking sell out whore.
Jesus Christ. Why don't you go back in time and just interview the Nazis and all you do is talk about their wardrobe.
Anyway, sorry. Jesus Christ.
So I have a buddy of mine I was hanging out with the other night and and he was saying how he bought, like, Red Sox season tickets, and he's getting nervous. And I was like, you know, it's still early.
He goes, we just played the Devil Race, which I guess they're not good. They're usually good.
He goes, no, they suck. And then he showed me the score, and it was like 19 to 6.
And I was like, oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Well, here we go. At least they're making moves they didn't make moves for years now i feel like they're they're trying to win but it is early i believe in a manager um anyway i saw the cutest little girl on uh the subway reminded me when my daughter was that age.

And she was fucking hilarious.

And I'm so psyched because my kids and everybody are coming tomorrow.

And I've been like jonesing.

I miss my kids so much.

I literally saw a guy walking down the street

with his son on his shoulders

and I almost started crying.

Oh my God.

Oh, Billy Softshell.

What happened to me?

What happened to me?

Oh, by the way,

my daughter totally figured out the tooth fairy.

I knew it was a matter of time.

She had already figured out the Easter Bunny.

Like, she came in like no she didn't

come in we were at a mall we were at the mall man and uh we were going down the escalator she goes she goes mom dad i want you to be honest with me okay she's like is the easter bunny real so Nia looks at me like oh shit she goes no i want to know just tell me i want to know and like nia's making this face like i don't know and then she looked at me and i just shrugged my shoulders and then she goes no it isn't it's mom and dad she goes i knew. And she was like, I swear to God.
She goes, thank you for being honest with me. My kids are like scary smart, right? Definitely did not get it from my side of the family.
So my wife, my wife called me the other day. She goes, yeah, she just figured out the tooth fairy.
And I go, well, well if you figure out the east bone i figured tooth fairy is what you should be figuring out the first that's the weakest and the worst this little thing goes away with these big teeth why why does it care about it how can that little thing carry all this change around none of of it makes sense. It makes less sense than the Easter Bunny leaving eggs.

None of it.

Like, what makes less sense,

these fictitious holiday characters or organized religion?

All of it, if you just really say it out loud, you're like, what?

That doesn't make sense. brain hurts man so she came in and this is how she figured it out she didn't ask this is what i love about how smart my daughter is she just comes in and she knows if she asked she's opening the door to us still lying about it so she just comes in like the cop that knows you fucking killed the person he doesn't say did you kill the person he says where is the murder weapon what'd you do with it or why did you do with it right and starting the questioning off with questioning off with that.
So the person already feels caught. That's what she did to my wife.
She came walking in. She just goes, mom, where are my teeth? And when my wife told me that she didn't say that she was figuring out the tooth fairy.
She said, she came in and said, mom, where are my teeth? And I'm thinking like, uh, in your mouth. And like I said, the intelligence does not come from my side of the family.

My wife immediately knew what my daughter was.

She goes, what are you talking about?

So my wife was laying in bed.

So my daughter gets on the bed and she was jumping up and down.

Next to my wife to make her bounce up and down and get her like off balance.

She goes, answer me.

I want to know.

Where are they? And she goes, I don't know what the tooth fairy. She goes, no,.
I want to know. Where are they?

And she goes, I don't know what the tooth fairy. She goes, no, they didn't.
The tooth fairy isn't real. Where are they? Where are they? So she finally just goes like, all right, they're in the drawer, you know, next to whatever.
And then she goes, I knew it. I knew it.
And then she got in my wife's face, was laughing her ass off, and yelled, you lied to to me which I have to say is such a relief that she found it funny but my wife she has this cute way about her that she can do that I just wouldn't if she came and just was where, like, where are my teeth?

I would have said in your mouth.

And then she would have said, no, I'm talking about the tooth fairy.

Where are they?

I just would have been like, I don't know.

Your mother has them somewhere.

I'm sorry.

It's some stupid thing.

And then I would have had the whole discussion, just be like, I don't know why there's this pressure to lie to your kids about these things.

I don't know what it is.

But it's more for parents than you. you'll get it when you get older um so anyway so that happens so here's the deal easter bunny's done and uh you know now the tooth fairy there's i said to my wife i'm like there's no way we're making it to Christmas.
You know, she's on to us. Okay, we got to like, you know, if we were like bookies right now, that's when you put the flame to the flash paper and you run out the fucking back door.
All right, let me do the reads here, man. All right, live read 417.
Brunt. Not to be confused with crunt.
Brunt. Choosing work boots used to mean sacrifice, comfort, or durability.
Sacrificing comfort or durability. Jesus, Bill.
Yeah, if they were comfortable, they were going to disintegrate. And if they were durable, hey, Bill, we didn't have a problem with either one of those words.
Yeah, you did. All right.
Don't fucking turn around after you tripped over those words 15 times and then try to explain it to us like we were in the wrong. All right.
You're right. All right.
Brunt. Choosing work boots used to mean sacrificing comfort or durability.
If they felt good, they didn't last.

And if they lasted, they wrecked your feet.

Oh, they were going to explain it.

Brunt.

You fucking brunt.

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Let's go. site while feeling as comfortable as your sneakers founder eric gerard grew up blue collar and started brunt after his friends in the trades encouraged him to start a workwear brand that was really built for them you're telling me those meatheads eating a bacon egg and cheese looked at you next to the roach crows going you know what you should do dude uh That's why all Brunt products are named after the guys he grew up with.
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allaboardbayarea.com All right, there you go. All righty, people.
Well, that is the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning. Oh, gosh.
I hope you enjoyed it.

Please enjoy the interlude music chosen by the wonderfully talented Andrew Themelis.

And then afterward, we were going to have a bonus episode

of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday,

Monday morning podcast.

Have a great weekend, you Bronx cunts. Hold on to tonight Hold on to tonight I wanna hold on to tonight Hold on to tonight I can recall And I should remember All the things I say that I'd do Action strength in our wrestling Night's for a dirt and got infused I need something to hold on to Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday fucking April 17th, 2017.
What's going on? How are you? Happy Patriots Day, everybody. I believe that only...
What's my voice right now? I believe that Massachusetts is kind of the only place that takes Patriots Day off. Kind of, sort of.
You know, they have the Boston Marathon, right?

They usually play a Red Sox game during the day

for everybody who doesn't want to fucking run around

or watch a bunch of skinny people running down the damn street

shitting themselves on Hard Break Hill.

Every year, somebody shits themselves in that race.

You know that?

Anytime there's a marathon,

there's people that push themselves so hard that they literally shit themselves as they're fucking running up the hill you know those runners they wear those little fucking nylon shorts and stuff so there's nowhere for it to go and these maniacs they just they just keep running with shit going down the back of their legs like one of those fucking horses they carry you know drags the newlyweds around the park you know but even them you know they put the tail up they fucking shoot it out oh he's going in early with the shit jokes everybody is this what it's gonna be is it literally gonna be a shit show um yeah so whatever happy patriots day to everybody i don't even know what patriots day is you know i don't think it's about the football team because it's not football season it's just when we raise the banner patriots day let's look it up shall we people patriots day uh hashtag what the fuck is it why does it automatically go to fucking wikipedia even though I would have gone here. All right.
Then there's a Patriot Day of film starring Mark Wahlberg. That's not what I was looking for.
Fucking cocksuckers. I just don't understand.
I had, oh my God, I had the worst day with my fucking phone. Like yesterday I tried to update it.
You know, and then it comes back on and then you need all your fucking passwords and no matter how much i type them in the way they're supposed to be it doesn't recognize it then it shuts down my phone then it's going hola bonjour guten tag and like 50 different fucking languages and i can't i can't i came so if i had not i haven't meditated in a month i'm not gonna lie to you but i if i hadn't meditated so much in the beginning part of the year i would have broke my phone in half i grabbed i turned it sideways and i fucking started i started to do it i started to fucking break it and i stopped i did throw it at the couch into the cushions and i also did throw my laptop into the they were all into the cushions not overly you know it's funny when i lifted up the laptop i felt the pain of my rotator cuff so i could only throw it so hard it was really pathetic it was a very pathetic display of anger uh so you know i don't know my phone's still fucking with me you know i'm trying to go into the goddamn apple store here and they won't let me do it I don't understand these, you know, I don't know. My phone's still fucking with me.
You know, I'm trying to go into the goddamn Apple store here and they won't let me do it. I don't understand.
You know, Apple is everybody fucking loves this company. You know, can somebody please fucking explain to me why they're so hostile when it comes to any sort of customer support? Is there a fucking reason there's not a phone number? I can't talk to anybody.
They're like, fuck you. Here's our product.
That doesn't work. Go fuck yourself.
We're not responsible for anything. You don't know what we look like.
You don't know where we are. Don't even talk to me about those fucking Apple stores with the people walking around with the genius T-shirts.
Give me a fucking break. Oh, that sounds just because somebody just came into my house.
I hear it all the time. the time so i mean it doesn't mean shit to me um anyways what if that was like an anger meter you know as i was getting up higher it would ring and it would let me know to come back down again you know like an idiot light on some car that your engine's overheating anyways fuck those apple stores too All right.
Those are it's all bullshit you're talking to low-level people in the in the company nobody who's fucking designing these goddamn things that end up being fucked up is working at that store you give them that stupid fucking shirt that says genius it should say peon um and then what do they got to deal with fucking balding hotheads like me who come walking in going like dude where the fuck did all my music go what did you put it on the cloud i don't want you to have my stuff fine i don't you know i should have never stopped getting cds all i know is everything's fucked up okay so now i'm signing into shit on my laptop my phone phone's talking to me going, Hey, somebody's signing in on another device. And there's no place for me to say, yeah, I know it's me.
And then the laptop's doing the same thing. They're like, it's like David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen.
It's like, you guys, you were great together. We had the band and now you're fucking breaking up and you're talking shit about each other.
And don't even talk to me about those fucking numbers i'm supposed to punch in because i did that too i went into my settings i i fucking hate the stupid uh whatever clicked on my name went into passwords typed the fucking number that they just sent me into the thing and they said they didn't recognize it and then they freeze up my phone freeze up my phone like i'm working in the pentagon or something become some fucking general i'm just some jerk off who wants to listen to some fucking hair metal from the 80s okay you know well i get on a treadmill it's all i'm trying to do here you know what it is it's it's fucking it's incestuous you know how really rich people want to keep the money in their family, you know, so they sort of breed with the same five families? I've talked to this before. So it's why, you know, you look at the Kennedys.
It's like they're good looking from the forehead down to like the mouth area and then they smile and it's whoa, you know. Starts looking like they should be playing a fucking banjo you know so it's the same thing with technology technology used to be a radio was a radio over there's my stereo that over there is the dishwasher right slash made um sorry i was just thinking about the time i was talking about and then you had your walkman's right then the walkman also had a fucking radio and a phone was a phone and now they've all fought they've all just been gangbanging right this big fucking caligula fucking fisting technological i don't know what they're all the same goddamn thing now everything everything is just on those fucking things and i i don't know it's ridiculous so what i ended up doing i i after i i started to like it was weird like i had these strength signals sent from all the way to like my wrists i didn't let it get to my hands i felt the anger go all like it's like the hulk right the fucking my arms turned green all the way down to my wrist and i just i stopped myself from breaking it in half but i have to tell oh god that would have been such a great feeling to just snap there has to be youtube videos of people snapping their fucking phones in half um what i did was i just said fuck that phone fuck the laptop

and i had a drum lesson and i got in my truck and i just fucking drove over and yeah i can admit you know what it was kind of fucking nice not having a phone you know i wasn't looking at text messages while driving i wasn't doing any of that type of shit trying to fucking scroll to the next goddamn song. None of that shit.

I just was, I don't know, driving a car like I used to, talking to myself. And then I came back, calmed down.
I tried it again. And about, I don't know, maybe the 17th attempt, I got it to work again.
And I just got it, you know, as great as these are, and my ability to communicate with you guys and everything like that, you know, I still would have been all right without these things. I could have made it the old-fashioned way as a comedian, where you just keep doing the clubs and doing the clubs.
Then I'd do a guest spot on the Hollywood Squares right next paul lind you know maybe do a fucking tonight show and i just keep building up i could have made

it that way i didn't need all of this shit all this shit that these fucking yolo douches

you know selfies and then the the picture you take that it takes

sort of a video but it's a picture but it's also a video

you know these flying squirrel suits i mean i don't know

Thank you. sort of a video but it's a picture but it's also a video you know these flying squirrel suits i mean i don't know what is it you just have to do shit that other people didn't do is that what it is i don't fucking know you know back in the day you know what it was back in the day you fucking did the clubs until you built up enough of the following on your own that you headline clubs.
And then maybe you got an hour special then.

You know, now if you're a middle act, you need an hour special to headline.

Like the whole thing is I just feel like this old man like this is not how it used to be.

What's the deal with everything? All right, Patriots Day, everybody. Patriots Day.
Where is it? Patriots Day in Massachusetts and Wisconsin. And Patriots Day in Maine.
It's an official state holiday commemorating the anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord. Well, what the fuck does Maine and Wisconsin have to do with that? The first battles of the American Revolution.
Or is Maine and Wisconsin the only other two fucking states that respect our holiday? The holiday was originally celebrated on april 19th the actual anniversary of the battles fought in 1775 since 1969 it has been observed on the third monday in april in massachusetts and in may dole let's get a three-day weekend out of it you know fuck the 19th just make sure it's on a monday it's also the first day of a vacation week for public schools in both states. In both states and a school holiday for many local colleges and universities, both public and private.
The day is a public school observance day in Wisconsin. Florida law also encourages people to celebrate it like those those fucking people needed an encouragement to celebrate anything else.
You're fucking celebrating like every day is Patriots Day. Fucking meth day.
Though it is not treated as a public holiday. Observances and reenactments of battles occur.
I remember going to one of those when I was a kid i thought those people were cool as shit shooting the guns and pretending to die and all that stuff i thought it was awesome then i got older and i was like yeah i mean if that's what he's into all right the boston marathon is run on patriots day every fucking year therefore sometimes the holiday is referred to as marathon monday the boston red sogs have been scheduled have been scheduled to play at home in Fenway Park on Patriots Day every year since 1959. The games are postponed due to weather in 59, 61, 65, 67, and 84.
Do I need all of this? All right, we got it. Okay, we got it.
So that's what it is. It's commemorating the first battles of the American Revolutions in Lexington and in Concord.
I thought Gettysburg was the first one. That wasn't the first one.
Oh, that was a civil war. Oh, my God.
Shaking my head. Shut up, you fucking Wikipedia reading cunt.
Nobody gives a fuck about your war knowledge. Did you fight in it? Well, then shut up.
All right. You know, it's funny.
Before I came i came in here right i was watching the celtics lose it's a fresh loss i'm i'm taping this uh sunday night uh celtics lost to uh a giant jamie fox and the chicago bulls dude that butler guy looks like jamie fox circa like somewhere in the 90s in living color and uh you know fucking brutal game brutal game brutal game but it was also you know with isaiah losing his sister and stuff it was kind of like uh the the drama of the game was definitely just looked at that's just a fucking game look what this guy's going through but the bulls as much as they're in eighth seat you know let's go a little sports morning talk radio i'll tell you you know these chicago bulls as much as they're in a seat they have a lot of veteran presence and in your experience uh with your dwayne wayne with your rondo and yeah it's not going to be an easy one um and then they got that unabomber guy like i don't know what the fuck that guy's deal is you know what i mean i think when i look at that guy his do the hairdo he has and the fucking facial hair i just hear his agent you know going like dude we've tried everything to get you a lucrative advertising contract we got nothing so i you know why don't he just be the crazy fucking hair and bearded face guy why don't we try that did the bird man retire yet you know i used to get claustrophobic looking at that guy's fucking tattoos they just kept going higher and higher like the little he would choking him um very colorful very marvel comic um yeah so we lost whatever man fucking one game you know what are you gonna do i mean we live and die but we got one guy we got fucking isaiah thomas that's our guy okay he's the fucking guy we live and die by the threes we don't get fucking offensive boards and i'll tell you you can get away with that in the regular season but come playoff time you know you might get exposed that's what i'm worried about and the bruins blew it you blew it we fucking blew game we blew it we fucking blew it uh game two i think we forgot that there was a third period we were all impressed with ourselves you know we scored three goals in the second period or something like that or two something we were up three we have three to one up three to one everything's going good and the cross-checking cunts that are the ottawa senators jesus christ if one ottawa senator fan bitched about the refereeing in that game i saw one play like this fucking guy he cross-checked the same guy twice right in front of the net the guy went down twice no call it was like every fucking third cross-check that they would call and then that that color commentator was so pro auto it was fucking ridiculous that that first one he was trying to say that that you know the goal was off sides it's like how the fuck can you tell that he definitely seems like he moves his leg but there's no way you can see from that shitty angle from nine i love the nhl too it's like they're gonna they're gonna implement fucking replay but then for whatever reason they're gonna have a camera on top of the goddamn arena at least that's the feed we got it's like how the fuck can you tell what the guy's on side or not? I don't know. Might have been a good call, might have been a bad call.
I had no idea. But the color commentator was convinced.
I think they should have called that one back. Oh, fuck you.
Just go skate down the goddamn river and go get your fucking whatever the fuck you guys eat up there. So anyways, we'll see how that one goes um i'm hoping uh i'm both basically hoping the same thing for the bruins and the celtics i know we're not winning the championship in either fucking league i'm just hoping we can go as far as we can all right get some good playoff experience and build on that that's what the fuck i'm looking for that's it that's all nothing crazy you know I didn't even look to see if, I know the Predators,

they won that first game 1-0.

The pitchers duel.

See what the fuck happened with them in game two.

I know the fucking Rangers and the fucking Canadians were playing.

What do we got here?

What's going on?

What's going on in the world of the NHL?

Fucking Penguins.

They're the team to beat, man. Fuckitals till the capitals do something ah you fucking the canadians won again god i hate those fucking bastards they're not gonna win shit though blues take a three game to none series over the wild what else do we got here what's going on with the fuck come on man can you just give me the fucking scores here oh pittsburgh wins in overtime all right well where's the rest of the where's the rest of the scores what happened yesterday chicago win should it be this difficult should you just go on the website and it's just all right there for mouth-breathing morons like me? Is this asking too much? I went the wrong way.
Nashville won five to nothing? Oh, my God. Anaheim's up two games to none.
Nashville's up two games to none. Toronto beat Washington in overtime.
Oh, no wonder I didn't hear from fucking Josh. adam myers we lost in overtime all right let's fuck this page i don't want to go back and relive this shit so um yeah that's what i did today that's what i've been doing this weekend hanging out with my daughter and i'm just watching playoffs i watched that fucking f1 race in Bahrain, wherever the hell that one was at.
I actually taped it this time. Had a great time watching that.
The Ferraris win again, win again. What's his face? Won it.
I didn't write down his name. One of those V guys won it.
You know, Hamilton got fucking penalized five seconds for driving too slow, slowing up Ricardo. And people were going like hey you know i don't think he should have been uh i don't think he should have been penalized for uh for fucking basically what was happening was mercedes was pitting both their cars at the same fucking time you know so the other guys in there the guy was not nico rosberg he's in there

that botus guy right he's fucking sitting there it's basically it's like when the jet pulls into the airport you know and you're all excited you're 20 minutes fucking early but then the guy gets on that's captain speaking uh so you can see we arrived about 11 minutes early. Unfortunately, our gate is still occupied.

So it doesn't make a difference if we get here early or not.

We're still going to pull up to the jetway at the same time.

So just sit back, relax.

There's more information.

I'm going to let you know.

Enjoy the tarmac.

Right?

Same fucking thing.

Okay?

So this fucking guy.

Sorry.

That went on way too long.

I was just trying to remember the names of the airport shit.

Right?

So the other guy's already sitting there.

All right?

That Boutros Boutros Bali guy's already fucking sitting there.

So he's pulling into the pits.

He knows he can't go there.

So he starts slowing the fuck down.

You know?

Causing the other fucking guy, Ricardo. His spot's open.
It open it's like dude get the fuck out of the way you know at least that's the way the officials saw it but i i i actually agree with the officials because lewis hamilton is uh is is i you know i haven't watched too much but i think he's he's like that level competitive where he will pull like little cunty moves like that and i think that that's why he got penalized you know, because, you know, it's like when Marchand got busted with the fucking, you know, the stick to the balls. You know what I mean? You're going to get suspended because we know the other shit you've done.
So I think Lewis Hamilton gets the same fucking treatment. Anyways, congratulations to Sebastian Vettel and the Ferrari team.
This has been great. Three races.
Ferrari wins one. Mercedes wins the other.
Now Ferrariari wins the third one i like it's gonna be a nice back and forth sebastian vettel leads fucking lewis hamilton by seven championship points 68 to 61 i'm telling you guys get into it it's like 57 laps it's a great fucking time go see what the illuminati does with their money it's a phenomenal goddamn sport it's already way better than last year where it was just fucking the mercedes it was a race to the first turn and then that was it it was over i've been very uh very happy with it this year um so anyways um what else did i do this weekend oh i've been working out like a fucking maniac um i actually got on the scale said 174 you know i got some acting work this week i'd like to be about a buck 72 you know that's the way that i kind of need to be around so i don't look like a big-headed fucking jackass you know shout out to all you actresses out there who think only women deal with that it's so hard as a woman shut up shut up you're in a movie shut up that's like you know i was i gotta i can't be too loud my daughter's sleeping but my wife was watching that keeping up with the kardashians and they were having a tough moment in their family you know and they were all sitting there just you know it just it just seems like it's one thing after another and i know a lot of families deal with that. But it's been really fucking hard.
And as they're saying this, they're sitting in a private jet being filmed for a television show on their way to New York City. And they're all sitting there with these sad pound puppy looks on their faces.
I don't give a fuck if I was going to my own funeral. If I was on a private jet to fucking New York City, I would be getting shit-faced.
The pilots would love me. You know, I would never disrupt what they're doing up there.
I would be like, I'm fucking tipping you guys, right? Sitting there all sad. It's just hard because, you know, with everything that happened last year to then come into this year and have more hard things to be happening, it's just really hard.
I would love to take that clip, you know, and show it to people who actually really have problems. Do a reaction video.
You know, whoever sewed together their fucking clothes and i'm guilty of it too everything i fucking wears made in a sweatshop i actually tried one time there was a there was a website called no sweat i don't know if it still exists and they made all these clothes none of it was sweatshop labor and i looked at all the clothes and none of it was cool clothes and i wow, I want to do the right thing, but I can't wear that shit. All my friends are going to make fun of me.
So I put my own insecurity ahead of fucking people working for sweatshop labor prices. I don't know.
I just know it's just really hard sometimes, even if you are in a private jet on your way to New York City. drinking champagne they weren't even drinking champagne they were just sitting there looking sad with their big fucking brown kardashian eyes you know what they look like one of those fucking creepy paintings you know they make of kids with remember that that artist that just had those giant fucking eyes that was like his thing they had giant these giant fucking creepy eyes i gotta look this shit up this guy this guy actually made a ton of money they were considered cute in like the 70s and i always fucking hated them always hated them oh by the way if you're wondering how the point system works in f1 you get 25 points if you come in first and you get points all the way down to 10th place it goes 25 like 15 12 10 8 6 4 2 1 i believe that's how it goes and then everybody else can go fuck themselves by the way how funny was it and that guy driving for the hondas just bitching over the radio about what a piece of shit his car was he sounded like me in high school except he's driving a fucking formula one race car he said this is the most underpowered race car i've ever driven in my life they're all sitting like guy dude not on the radio and then they cut into his car and it says honda on the side of it um anyways uh yeah it was a really fascinating race because they were somewhere in the middle east and there was they were worried about sand blowing onto the track which could chew up the tires and obviously fuck with the traction um i don't know the more i get into it the more i like it what the fuck was i looking at okay creepy big eyed kids paintings 70s.
This is how I search for shit.

I bet I get it. I bet I get it.
Come on. The big-eyed children.
The extraordinary story of an epic art fraud. No, that's not them.
why does every art gallery have that older white woman with the really short hair, like a boy's haircut, but it's like stylized? You know, like she sings in Oasis or some shit. Vintage.
Oh, there it is. Is this it? No, that's not them.
I guess everybody does the big eyed thing what the the big eyes what the fuck was that thing called wasn't called like love is that's not it wow a lot of people are with the big eyed kids a big eyed kids in you fucking big eyed kid love is dot dot dot big eyes let's see if that works all right i give up i fucking give up now to show me a picture of spongebob square pants freaking out on some drugs do you guys know the ones i was talking about they had little bodies they had giant heads they had these big fucking eyes these little pink fucking arms and shit they just were they were creepy as shit and everybody thought they were so goddamn cute i was a dumb kid though do you know every time i

walked into a photoshop back then and they'd have picture frames and then they already have like a

picture in it like i thought that you were buying that picture and my mother one time was looking

at picture frames i was like why would you want that one i mean whose kids are those

Thank you. now that I have a kid, I can't imagine like, that's gotta be a terrifying moment.
Like, oh my God,

is my kid going to be homeless?

I'll fucking,

you know,

come home,

you look at you like that. That dumbness was not in me.

You know,

you come home,

you look at your spouse.

That's you.

You did that.

That's your strand of fucking DNA.

Messing up my 50%.

Thank you very much.

All right.

Let me read a little bit of advertising here for the week.

That's going to drive me nuts.

Those big-eyed fucking kids.

All right.

You want me to read these two now?

You want to hear the story about me trying to make fucking dumplings?

Let's talk about that.

Hey, any fucking Asians out there?

Any Asians listening to this podcast?

Anybody from the far east migrated over here maybe a second generation or maybe your family's like old school and they kept the tradition going so you know how to make fucking dumplings i i love dumplings all right i'm like oprah right now i love dumplings i fucking love dumplings and i told you the story of when i was in singapore and i was on my way to hong kong and i was in the fucking airport lounge and that cunt ate all the fucking dumplings i swear to god i don't know how his belly wasn't hanging over his pants he's this little skinny motherfucker he was a competitive eater they kept bringing him out and like in like groups of like 14 and this fucking guy would eat like 11 of them so he was flying around the world and there was going to be no food in the goddamn plane so the best dumplings i ever fucking had i was in hong kong i went to some dim sum shit i don't know what the hell it was but it is a fucking art form over there but i'll tell you here in america they still do a great job with the dumplings. The pot stickers.
I love them. I told you guys a while ago, I wanted to get outside my palate, and I never cooked with any of the Asian shit, even though I love it.
Right? So I decide that I'm going to try to make these fucking dumplings, right? So of course, I don't have any of the ingredients i need other than the flour hot water sugar salt what the fuck else did i have and of course i had some of that with a soy sauce i had that but everything else i didn't have i didn't have anything else so i go to the white grocery store right i go to their little asian section that's right next to the mexican section that's a little bit bigger and then everything else is just for northern Europeans I mean that's that's a white grocery store that's what it's like okay that's what I say to the guy you got any of this fucking chili sauce do you have any of the dark soy sauce and you know I actually asked an Asian dude that worked at the fish counter and he was like no no man they don't have that shit here and I was like do you know where I can get it he was like no i mean i don't know where you live and i was like all right sorry so i ended up going to uh uh whatever was it korea town thai town i don't know what the fuck it was i went and i went into this grocery store and i come walking whole new fucking world all these fucking noodles all of this shit i'm looking at going that's the stuff when i order there it is right there right so i'm looking for my stuff i needed like corn flour and they didn't have any so when i went to the thai grocery store i was looking for it and there was this asian lady there with their mother and she sees me the fucking white dude old round eye here looking at the shit trying to figure stuff out she starts laughing she goes what are you trying to make and then I laughed I said I'm gonna try to make dumplings she goes all right what do you need I said I'm trying to find corn flour she goes oh you know just you know since she talks to her mother they're fucking you know it's the real deal shit you know bilingual shit going down and they're trying to help me find the cornflower they couldn't so i they found this other shit and that was close to it and we're like i don't know if you can use that so i was like ah fuck it maybe i gotta go to chinatown i have no fucking idea so i thank them and they say good luck and i leave then i'm standing up at the register and was hilarious that same woman came up to me and this is what she says to me. This is like a minute later.

She goes, excuse me.

She goes, were you the guy I was just talking to?

And immediately I'm like, oh, my God, we all look alike to him.

So I laugh, and I go, yeah.

And she goes, I just Googled it.

You can use this as a substitute.

She took the time out to Google it.

I was like, you know what?

You're awesome.

She said, no worries.

I said, all right, see you later. So now I got a new grocery store to go to so i come home so i go to the meat store i get my fucking pork and all that shit again my ginger right all the

shit that i'm gonna put in there so i go to make this making the filling was fucking easy my bok

choy fucking cutting up the green onions all of that it's smelling right it's looking right

everything's going good then i go to do the fucking dough and god damn it that was a motherfucker

I'm going to somebody else who married into an asian family it was just like oh man he goes when they do it they fucking how quickly you know they can fucking get the dumpling together and fold it up and make it look right it's like it's like a fucking it's like magic you know and i'm sitting there all clumsy trying to get the thing together and it took me like two hours to get the whole thing together and for whatever reason this fucking recipe i had like how many did i have i had like fucking like 40 of them almost like i almost quit like 15 times just going like how many times could i have ordered dumplings from the people that invented them that know what the fuck they're doing?

But I plowed ahead.

Right.

So I get the oil in the pan and I just follow the thing.

You know, when they get nice and golden brown, then you pour your water in.

You put the lid on them.

You steam them.

When the water's gone, they're done.

And I got to tell you, they were they were ugly on a scale of one to ten. They were a strong six.
Did not look good. Too many different sizes, even though the ladies on the on the video showed me how to do it.
I still fuck that up. And and then, you know, I'm the worst.
I have to stop fucking doing this because I always go to Nia like, was it good? How does it taste? Is it good? And the second she knows I want approval, she turns into fucking Simon Cowell. She was just like, oh, you know, they're, you know.
And so I even say, listen, I know these aren't great for a first attempt. It's pretty good, right? I'm like, you know, insecure fucking guy that I am.
I need to look. Just give me a little fucking feedback.
Comedian. That's why I like stand up.
Huh? Do you guys like it? Ha, ha, ha. We liked it.
Dead silence. All right.
I get right i get it all right how about this one now do you like me do you like me again you know that's how i live my life i live moment to fucking moment not in a zen way just in a completely insecure way right so she's not giving it up and i go so you know what's what's what's up she goes there's something uh i don't know the dough is just not uh you know she's clearly just opening them up and just eating the middle out of them i go too too like sticky she goes no that's not the word um and immediately i'm just like oh god i just want to fucking just yeah um gummy is that the word yeah sticky gummy you want a thesaurus however you say that fucking word so this is what happened is you know i learned from the chef that you got to be you know tasting your food i i used to cook and i wouldn't be tasting so i was tasting them the whole fucking way and the chef told me you know by the time it's done you're not going to want any because you've tasted so much of it so i'd already had so many fucking dumplings the time i got it like i was almost a little sick and i fucking ate them and i knew that they weren't right but i i definitely had a good time i think i would quarter that recipe so i only make like fucking eight of them then i could have fun and i could actually like take my time rather than dude it was like i swear to god it was so perfect that i did it during tax time because that's what it felt like you know when you get all your receipts all laid out i had all these little balls of fucking flour but um oh dude this morning like i didn't even clean up i went

downstairs and i was just like i ate dumplings and i had a fucking scotch i was doing so well

on my diet next day i fucking woke up look like a starving child with like a distended belly

you know if that starving child was an alcoholic and um so i fucking i came upstairs and just the

Thank you. if that starving child was an alcoholic.
And so I fucking, I came upstairs and just the smell of that fucking soy sauce and all that shit after all those dumplings I fucking ate. And I swear to God, I actually have a newfound respect for that son of a bitch.
They ate all those dumplings in Singapore. I don't know what the fuck that guy's stomach is made out of but dude you can't eat all of that dough so um then of course eating like that kind of threw me off my diet went to this fucking great cookout today and i i you know i ate well but not well if you know what i mean so who knows whatever i'm doing well i'm doing well with the diet still i'm still going in the right direction okay i've shaved off about eight pounds off of the fucking christmas ham here old billy's gonna be able to fit in his suits and about another five pounds get down like 170 171 that's it then i'm gonna try on that suit again you know why because i'm not a quitter all right i hung in there with the dumplings i'm not gonna fucking go down to the i'm not i'm not gonna be that guy i guys that.
I'm not going to be the guy that goes down to the dry cleaners and has his fucking suits let out. Sitting there with your fucking shoulders slumped.
All right? And if you're in that right now, if you're doing that right now, you got to keep one fucking suit. Okay? That you don't do that to.
And I would make it your favorite fucking suit the one you look the best in that's it you have your fat suits you're literally wearing a fat suit like fucking eddie murphy in the clumps except when they say cut you know in the end of the day they can't remove it what are you doing get on a fucking treadmill all right all right let's get to some of the uh some of the fucking questions here for the week shall we shall we um the lovely knee everybody is my food here oh yeah it's been here it's been here what did i order again a salad with chicken because you're on a diet yes everybody knows i was talking to you about your your your cold calculated review of my dumplings what are you talking about you know how you do hey sweetie what's up buddy you just woke up look at that smile Oh, she's You know what? I know I'm biased

But we got one cute-ass kid. No, you're dumplings.
Yeah, you're dumplings. Yeah, you're dumplings.
You made dumplings. See, this is what I'm talking about.
It's so cold. Yes, you made dumplings.
You tried. I mean, no, you made it.
I don't mean you tried. You did make it.
No, you can't. You can't give it up.
Ever. Look how hard this is for you.
I will give it up. Ever.

Look how hard this is for you.

I will give it up.

You know, I feel like I'm very honest with you, is what it is.

Because I respect you.

Ooh, you're going to turn this around.

That was a nice little flippy-do that you did there. Because I respect you, I'm going to be honest with you.

If I didn't respect you, I would just be like, oh, yeah, everything you do is amazing. Well, wait, that didn't come out right either.
What I'm trying to say is I think that you put forth a great effort. I'm just going to let you keep talking your way down this fucking well.
I'm done. I'm done.
I'm done. Yeah.
Okay. Well, you know what I realized? I respect you too.
What does that mean? It means I'm going to start being as honest as you are. That's what I'm going to do.
What is it exactly that you're upset with me about? Because you can't just be like, you know, they're all right. They're not great.
That would be perfect. But perfect but you have to be like um there's something with the dough and i was just like is it sticky you're like it's not the word um just let me just put two behind my ear and i'll move on to the next fucking meal then you had to finally just be like i'm gummy is that the word that's what and then you said what gummy means you can like blow bubbles with it and i just couldn't even say anything because if i said anything i would start laughing because obviously i don't mean that you can blow bubbles with it i know you just you're you're a tough you're a tough one you're a tough one it's it's tough to get a compliment out of you.
Dumplings are not... I don't feel like dumplings are oh so easy to make.
You know what I mean? It was your first try. They looked amazing.
The filling was good. Just the dough part was...
Yeah, the dough part was definitely off. I think I overcooked it, I think.
I'm not sure. But no, I'm just saying you have like...
have this just like you just take out the sickle when it's when it's coming you turn it like an olympic judge to be like you could be like yeah i mean not the best but you know you'll get them on the next one give me a little pat on the fucking head you're just like nope okay these are not good have a nice evening. I will see you in the morning.
Okay. Well, then I will.
All right. I'll take this opportunity.
You won't. I've been talking to you about this for fucking 14 years.
To be back. Hey, buddy.
Oh. Can I take a bite out of this? Huh? Why can't you stay this age forever forever just be this big big ball of cute we carry around yeah huh she's got a mischievous look on her face yeah you're gonna be toughy tonight like last night oh last night yeah last night was a rough one yeah i'll tell you it was a rough one right, let me finish this up here so I can go eat my cold fish or chicken or whatever I ordered.
Chicken. All right.
I thought you were almost done. That's why I came in here.
No, I'm not. And you're way off the mic.
We've probably been annoying the shit out of people for the last five minutes. Okay.
Okay, okay. I'm out of here.
All right. You're out of here.
Say bye, guys. Hey, Nia, that dress is, I mean, it's a dress.
You're wearing it. And I can't even do it to you.
You look great. Asshole, get out of here.
All right, wagon. Please read.
Please read. Hey there, Billy baby wife.
That's the first kid one. All right.
I heard the email you read a couple weeks ago about the older guy who was wondering if it was worth it to lay off the booze and reconnect with his family. I can tell you I wasn't as bad as that guy, but it made me realize I could be a better person.
I quit boozing two days after I heard his story. I called my brother and I started a dialogue I should have started eight years ago.
I used to listen to you talk about booze and think it was an excuse to keep boozing,

not placing the blame on you.

I'm a moron.

Well, yeah, I mean, I don't know you, so I wouldn't think that you were trying to blame me.

I wouldn't accept the blame either.

But then I realized you don't drink all day, every day, and that you have a full career

and a kid and a wife.

I have a plumbing and heating job and a terrier.

I still don't drink all day, every day, and that you have a full career and a kid and a wife. I have a plumbing and heating job and a terrier.
I still smoke weed because it helps with my arthritis, which is actually very severe and prevents me from doing things. Just picturing you jerking off.
God damn it. I can't sustain it.
It prevents me from doing things like running and lifting comfortably. The call to my brother initiated.
Well, I bet taking all that booze out of your system will probably help out. I don't think boozing is good for your joints, is it? All that sugar.
I don't know. I always just repeat shit that I half listen to.
I'm sorry. The call to my brother initiated his inviting me to Easter.
Nice. The first holiday I will spend with my family in almost nine years thanks and go fuck yourself all right well i don't know what you're thanking me for you did it i don't know that i said anything by the way my wife was watching dr phil and they had this fucking guy on there i it was one of the most fucked up things i've ever seen on tv this guy was basically going on the internet he was into conspiracy theory and he lost his job and he went got into this meditating thing and he said he had reached this spiritual plane um of constant meditation and nobody and he couldn't explain it to anybody around him like his wife and dr phil's trying to talk to the guy and he goes and he just kept going like so what are you trying you're you're meditating you're on the internet you're meditating and and then the guy just kept taking this arrogant like line with him going yeah see once again i mean you'd have to read up i mean i can't just explain this to you i can send you links on to try to get to my level basically of higher thinking and then dr phil's like don't talk down to me okay first of all you don't know me i'm one of the most open-minded people you're ever going to meet first of all who the fuck says that about themselves i'm one of the greatest people i've ever met right so long story short they bring in deepak chopra all right another whore of spirituality you know but he's a whore of psychology and this fucking jerk off comes in with these fucking bright red sneakers on it sits down next to this guy and the guy's freaking out because he feels like he's on the same plane as this guy and then he proceeds to basically say that this guy is uh i'm banning his family he picked his words carefully i will say that about uh old fucking deepak d to the motherfucking Chopra.
He basically picked his words carefully, but in the end, he said to Dr. Phil that he feels this guy is bipolar.
This fucking poor bastard found out that he was bipolar on national television. And that guy fucking sits there and acts like he's helping people basically you're bipolar you're not reaching a higher spiritual plane as much as you are experiencing a manic episode um yeah i'm just doing that judge judy shit where he's talking all tough to this i two minutes into it, I was like, this guy needs some serious psychological help.
But I don't know shit. Fucking Deepak coming out, making this face.
I'm trying to think who the fuck he looks like. I don't know what.
He looks like Liberace. Whatever, whatever.
National. What is he? Is he Indian? he's like if if india had a liberace this this would they ever do the fucking michael douglas matt damon version of liberace if they

do it in some bollywood thing you gotta you gotta cast that guy um and i love that he was

just available too does he live out in hollywood all right anyways i have no fucking idea i don't know anymore you know one of my favorite things too is as my wife is on instagram and um instagram's a pain in the ass because if you're not on it you can't look at the photos and shit and i just can't join another social media site but one of my favorite fucking things are those people who take up pictures of themselves and their amazing bodies after they work out and rather than just in in saying don't i look fucking amazing they actually act like they're trying to motivate you you know like reach hashtag reach your goals Hashtag reach your goals. Hashtag putting that work in.
I think I've just become an old man now and I don't understand younger people. I just don't understand like the level of douche chills that you would take a picture of yourself while you're working out, you know, under the guise that you're trying to motivate people.
You know, like this isn't about me, guys. This is in my eight pack.
This is about you. I'm trying to I try to inspire people with my beauty.
That's why I don't believe in in christ when i just see moments like that it's just

like what is god waiting for when are you going to send this dude back like how bad does it have

to get you know in a way i almost blame god at this point it's like you're enabling us how long

are you going to keep letting us have the intelligence to invent these devices to further

disappear up our own assholes as i sit in a podcast talking to myself for a fucking hour

Thank you. How long are you going to keep letting us have the intelligence to invent these devices to further disappear up our own assholes? As I sit on a podcast talking to myself for a fucking hour.
Oh, Jesus. I swear to God, every time I think I'm making a point, I just realize what a fucking hypocrite I am.
All right. Little girl statue in Syria.
Okay. This sounds like clickbait.
you know, when you see little girl finds a statue in Syria, what she does next will shock you. And you know, you click on it and there's one photo and 87 ads.
Fuck all of those sites. All right, Bill.
For days, people flooded Facebook in praise of the little girl statue they placed in front of the Wall Street bull.

Everybody, mostly women and social justice warriors, went on about resisting and how powerful the statue was. I choose to fight.
um it turns out the little girl statue was put up by a media slash marketing company that has

zero interest in doing anything but creating a buzz for themselves um that's not that's not all the bullet self was a piece of art erected by an independent artist it was panned by wall street and they wanted it removed the people kept it it there. Everyone is a sucker.
Whatever that means. K-O-N-Y 2012.
I cited a source below, unless the rest of the twats on Facebook. I think you skipped some words here.
Sorry for the stomach growling. um also that white hat documentary that went everywhere

about the group of volunteers that came to the aid of syrian chemical weapons victims was part of a huge agenda to make america mad at the syrian regime international reporters are questioning the source of those weapons some think it was even it wasn't even the syrian government we're all fucked. Love you.
Love, Nia. Congrats on the little lady.
Yeah, I believe all that type of shit. I believe that type of shit.
I don't know about any of that type of stuff, but I definitely believe that they show images to make us fucking upset about stuff. Seems very easy to defeat terrorism to me.
All you do is just embrace the electric cars just make everything electric we stop buying oil from those guys they don't have any money they go bankrupt and next thing you know they can't afford anything but rocks we're not over there they gradually forget about us they go back to arguing with one another and we just slowly back away why don't we just do that you know why because there's no there's no money in that. That's what I think.
But what do I know? All right, terrified of a threesome. Can I click on this link up here? What is this link this person sent me? I don't know why.
Oh, I know why because I don't have it. I got to click on it when it's in the email.
When it's in the email. Now, how do I find where the fucking email is? Live reads.
Boom. I go to that.
Click on inbox. Retrace all my steps.
Go to the content. Scroll down.
Click on the link. Wait for it to open.
It is now trying to load. All right.
I'll get back to that in a minute. In the meantime, terrified of a threesome.
Hey, parentheses, insert cheap redhead insult here. Huge fan.
Love your standup and efforts for family. Thank you.
I'm 20. I'm a 21 year old college student who has a girlfriend that is bisexual and beautiful as well.
God bless you. God bless you, sir.
God god bless you there's no way you don't believe in god man god bless you we've talked about asking girls to join us in bed and are finally getting ready to have it happen the girl that's joining us is a girl that the both of us have gotten with in the past at different times ah this is perfect the only problem is that i get freaked the fuck out when i think about this happening both of the women involved are hot and experienced which is what scares me i'm not that astounding looking of a guy not that well endowed as far as my dick goes and not experienced at all. Are you going to talk yourself out of this, dude?

And not experienced at all compared to these girls.

How do I get past my fears and relaxed enough to make to be into what's happening and make sure I make it worthwhile for both these ladies?

Thanks.

And go fuck yourself, dude.

Do not fuck this up.

OK, the only way you can fuck this up is to not show up just show up and let nature take over okay it's all right to be freaked out you're 21 years old you got two fucking smoking hot chicks want to fucking bang at the same time that's a lot that's rock star shit i don't know what you do for a living but i'm guessing you're not a fucking rock star. So, yeah, this is this is this is fucking great.
This is a great goddamn thing. You know, and if you want to, I just tell your girlfriend, just be like, yeah, I'm excited.
And I'm a little I'm going to be launching. I'm a little nervous.
You guys are both. But just keep painting about because it's so beautiful and all things.
Don't wear me relax. Just follow my lead.
Just do that. Just be open and honest about it.
But don't take it to the fucking point that you like don't say all that other shit you know i'm not the best looking guy i could have had a bigger dick then she's gonna think well what the fuck am i doing this with you for don't go that far all right here's the thing dude you're definitely good looking enough you definitely got a big enough dick or none of this shit would be happening. Right.

Okay.

You got called up to the show.

Okay.

Get up to the plate and swing out of your fucking cleats.

I would let them start.

Let them start.

And then you just kind of fucking, you know, work your way in.

That's all.

Just start making out with both of them.

That's it.

Get some fucking, I don't know.

I don't know. Just, just please, please do.

Thank you. all just start making out with both of them that's it get some fucking i don't know i don't just just please please dude please for the someday 48 year old you who probably be doing a podcast by himself okay please don't fuck this up okay don't do not talk yourself out of this you're getting in your fucking.
Alright? You've already gotten with both of them.

She obviously likes your dick.

She's coming back for more. Your girlfriend's still there.
This is just like, this is something

else, dude. And this is a great

experience for you to push past

all that fucking low self-esteem. Alright?

So, man the fuck up!

Have a great time. Follow up email, please.

Alright, my girl loves me too much.

Aww, but I can't love myself at all. All right.
Hey, Billy Moose Knuckle. I always forget what that is.
I know what a camel toe is. I don't know what a moose knuckle is.
I'm a 22. Is that a Canadian camel toe? I don't know.
I'm a 22 year old college student and I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. Things have been great.
Only problem is that she's got the tendency to tell me I love you, or you're so important to me, or I adore you at least 15 times a day without any lead-up. Oh, yeah, that's creepy.
She just does it out of the boot. I guess it's nice to hear, but after a point, it makes me wonder if she has some underlying issue i'm the first boyfriend and she's still shocked even after dating for a year that someone finds her attractive sorry hiccups are coming um on top of all this she gets weird and passive aggressive when i suggest i have a night to myself saying things like i guess i'll stay home alone or i'll just eat leftover soup and watch the Food Network.
This shit kills me and I usually cave and come over. I'm an introverted heart and need my time alone to recharge and study or read my favorite books.
When we're together we mostly watch movies, talk about school or fuck which is fine but I need to be alone once in a while. I have too much empathy and I'm a pushover, which doesn't help anything.
It doesn't help anything. I need some advice.
Do you think she has an attachment problem or is it something else? Thanks and go fuck yourself. I would just work on your end of it.
Whatever her issue is, it might come to a head when you just say, listen, no, I just need alone time sometimes. You know, and let her pout and do whatever the fuck she wants to do.
And she'll accept that about you or she'll tell you why she's too insecure to not spend the night and you know spend a night alone or she'll flip the fuck out and you'll be like wow i'm not with the right person but i can tell you this um not doing what you want to do in a relationship is the quickest way to poison the water okay and i don't mean just going out and fucking around and doing all shit like that but i mean like you know if you don't like going to brunch you have to tell him you don't like going to brunch now you still have to go to some brunches but you're not going to be going to them all the time all right to not tell her that you're an introverted heart and you need your time alone to recharge and study and all that type of shit read your favorite books you know she has to respect that about you and you got to respect that about you okay stop giving in to what the fuck she wants um what you you having a night alone every once in a while is not a crazy request. Okay.
And, um, I would do that first and see how she reacts. And you might get to the bottom of why she has to say, I love you and I adore you and all of that shit.
50 times a fucking day. Probably because you're, she's probably terrified that it's not going to end well.
You know, she's, if she's never had another boyfriend, I'm guessing she's around your age. Maybe that gave that gave her some sort of complex i don't fucking know this is something for you guys to work out but i gotta tell you this right now if you need alone time you gotta tell her that or else you're gonna end up presenting her and the whole relationship is gonna gradually start its fucking downward spiral and um that's it and it crashes and burns right in a fucking cornfield.
Okay, that's it. That's the podcast for this week.
Is that everything that I wanted to talk about? I got Boise, Idaho coming up this weekend. Yes, next weekend.
I'll be out there with Rose Bowl, Tailgate Legend, and Puck Off host, All Things Comedy Network podcaster, Joe Bartnick. We're going to have a great time when we're up there.
That is all. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.
Hold on to tonight. What can I do without you? If it means you Without you

If it means you'd be with me

Find you in memory

Can we just hold on to tonight It was your place It didn't look like him Bouncing trees Ditching your sin I couldn't find Anything about him Not a connection inside How the revolution turns me blind Don't let doubts pull you down And don't let love fool you now I wanna hold on to tonight Hold on to tonight I want to hold on to tonight Hold on to tonight But what can I do Without you And how If it means you'll be with me Find you in memory Can we just hold on to tonight? Don't let dads hold you down And don't let luck fool you now

Hold on to tonight

Hold on to tonight

Hold on to tonight

Hold on to tonight Hold on to tonight

Hold on to tonight Thank you. What's up, winners? My name is Jeremy Elder.
This is Hunter Sailing. And I'm Corey Peter Lane.
You are listening to the Business Casual Podcast. It's the Business Casual Show.
That's how we decided the name. It's a new idea that I have.
Every week, each one of us will bring a brand new segment to the podcast, whether that be a game, whether that be trivia, a character, a deep dive, or whatever else we want to bring to the table. And it's fun.
We promise it's fun. Um, did somebody say liberal Joe Rogan? I didn't.
You can listen to the Business Casual Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. Also, we're on YouTube.
Ever heard of it? Tariffs have been increased for white men with podcasting equipment, and we are willing to pay. We are releasing this show every Monday, produced by ATC All Things Comedy.
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