Squats, Driverless Cars, Toothpaste Delivery | Monday Morning Podcast 8-11-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr.

It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

August 11th, 2025.

What's going on?

How are

you?

How's things going out your way?

Aw, geez, are they going well there?

Oh, man, I'm all fucking stressed the fuck out.

I am so goddamn stressed out.

I can't figure out why.

I had a nice day.

Well, you know, let's be honest.

I don't know what it was like today.

Today was just one of those fucking days.

You know, I had this thing, you know, the open the door automatic lock thing.

And it wasn't working and i was like oh you know judging by the shape of this thing this has one of those frisbee type batteries ah we got those we got those out in the goddamn garage we can do that you know we have it

so uh jesus fucking christ this lady just walked by by the way

she fucking walks by she's walking her dogs and she's like talking full volume on her phone

you know

Like the level that everybody is addicted to their phones.

I'm talking about myself too.

I kind of got back into reading so I could kind of curb it.

Like, if you ever take a peek, you averaged eight hours.

Get the fuck out of here, eight hours.

Did they count listening to music?

Eight hours?

What am I solving in the Middle East?

And I'm not.

I'm just fucking

watching whores trying to do fucking backbends and they forgot that they haven't done a push-up or any gymnastics in 20 years.

And then they land on their fucking faces.

How they don't break their necks is fucking beyond me.

It's unreal.

And then that transitions

into fucking

dad bought guys for whatever reason trying to do a cartwheel

after fucking, you know, eating

mozzarella sticks and fucking potato skins.

and bacon wrap this and that for 20 years

So they got these big keg of beer torsos, and then they just got these fucking,

you know, the straight arm where you don't see any bicep or tricep.

It's like, yeah, that's just a fucking flabby arm, right?

And the same thing happens to them.

Once their body weight gets on their arms, they just collapse onto their face.

It's kind of fucking brutal.

Anyway, so she's walking up the hill running a yap, and I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ.

Can't I record my podcast?

I'm literally on my phone, gonna get upset with her.

It's like, dude, you're on your phone, too.

So then in my head, I knew I was wrong.

So then I had to like clarify it and be like, uh,

you know, I had to be like, uh,

yeah, what did I say?

What the fuck did I say?

I said,

Why the fuck would anybody be, unless you're in show business, why would you want, like, willingly be on your phone?

That's what I said.

Like, I justified what I was doing because I had the burden of being a fucking shit joke-telling comedian.

You know, there's a lot of times during the day, even without you guys,

I say, shut the fuck up, Bill.

I think that's a healthy quality.

Just shut up.

And with that, I'm going to do this hour-long podcast by myself.

This is the only voice you're going to hear.

Anyway, it used to be so simple.

It used to be such a simple thing.

Anyway,

now it's become all fucking convoluted.

I did a fucking podcast, right?

And

like,

you know, you do these podcasts, and then people take clips, and then they just name,

they rename it, and they just change what you're saying because they want to get clicks.

There was a click on this podcast that I thought I did a good interview, and it says, Bill trashes all podcasters or takes down all.

It's like, when the fuck did I

do that?

But that makes people people, oh, I gotta fucking see what that's what it is.

Everybody's click on this.

It's a fucking train wreck.

You gotta see it.

And people click on it.

I mean, look at me.

I'm fucking watching adults who still think they can do back bends and cartwheels.

And I'm just watching them falling on the top of their head or on their faces.

And then the end of the week, my phone's going like, you averaged eight hours a day on your phone.

And I'm going, no, I did not.

You know, like a narcissist parent.

Oh, I never did that.

Oh, that was a joke.

I didn't mean it that way.

Well, if I did, don't you love that?

You get that from a narcissist?

If I did that.

If I did that, if I did that, then I'm sorry.

No, there's no if you did that.

Well, I don't recall.

I don't recall, but you know, if you're saying you're, if you're saying, I am saying it.

I am saying you did it.

Well, okay, okay, all right.

Well, you know, if I did that,

there's no if you cunt.

Um,

anyway, I'll tell you, another fucking type of person that's fucking driving me up the wall

is

like, yeah, dude.

Like, I don't know what happened.

I was, I was like,

I was fucking said Jesus Christ these kids suddenly they're killing each other next door

There's just no fucking place to do a fuck I this is why people have studios.

I have to get a fucking studio

I'm having something done to my fucking drum room right now

People that built it that they're fucking idiots.

They put air conditioning in it right and but they don't have an exit vent

So the second you close the door, it you know

creates like this fucking vacuum or whatever the fuck's going on, and they just all it goes to a halt like somebody squeezing a hose.

So, I'm finally getting that repaired.

So, the next few weeks, or whatever the fuck I'm, you know,

how much more shit is backordered.

I'll be in my goddamn truck here doing my podcast.

As people walk by on their phones, as I'm on my phone, judging them for being on their phone too much.

That's how I roll.

So, anyway,

I'm looking at this fucking thing

and I'm thinking,

this

car door opener or whatever the fuck it is.

And I'm thinking, like, all right,

this has got to be.

Oh, God, I can't do this podcast with these fucking kids screaming in the background.

Jesus Christ.

You know,

the exact same sound.

Kids playing outside

is the exact same sound.

of an adult woman being murdered.

It's the exact same sound.

It's fucking unbelievable.

Like the blood-curdling fucking screaming.

And you're just sitting there going like, you guys are playing, right?

You're still playing?

Everything's good?

Fucking my keys.

I mean, this is the most unprofessional thing you can be possibly listening to right now.

And you're still listening to it, but I know it's not for the right reasons.

I know you're laughing.

You're laughing.

You know what I finally learned about my truck?

You know, these old cars, you always want to give it a couple of fucking punches of gas before you start it up.

My truck, for whatever reason

you don't want to do that you just want to start it up

start it up dry

oh Jesus all right now I'm gonna go down the fucking street a little bit and then what am I gonna run to what the fuck is gonna be going on down there

everybody's out Sunday night everybody's fucking walking around

walking their goddamn dogs These fucking people with these dogs, they're wolves, all right?

It's not a dog.

It's not a dog.

It's a gay wolf.

That's what it is.

It stays inside.

It's transitioned

from a wolf

to a...

What's the generation we're all supposed to be making fun of now?

What's the latest generation that everybody's blaming?

There's nothing better than when like 40 and 50 year olds are blaming the generation that they raised.

Like, how funny is that?

You know?

The amount of fucking baby boomers that like trash millennials, they can't fucking do anything.

Well, you fucking raised them.

What are you bitching about?

You know?

And now my generation is bitching.

I don't know what the fuck.

I can't keep up with this

YZ

Generation Y, Generation Z, and now I think it's Generation Alpha, which I'm gonna

go right now and just say that's the greatest name for a generation.

Generation Alpha,

as opposed to like the greatest generation, you know,

which I think, you know,

like, did Tom Brokard coin that phrase?

Did they call him something else before that?

There's no way when they were born, they just said, this is the greatest generation.

They did shit, and then they said, that's the greatest generation, right?

But it still kind of seems like,

you know, like a clip of a review for like a bad Hollywood summertime movie.

You know, arguably the greatest

end-of-the-world summer blockbuster movie of all time.

Arguably, the greatest generation.

I'm gonna get through this fucking story, people.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm gonna get through it.

This is a nice street,

it's nice and fucking quiet, a little too quiet.

Um, somebody's gonna come running out that front door with a gimp outfit on.

Um,

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Anyway, so

I'm thinking it's one of those frisbee type batteries,

right?

And

of course, I go to open the fucking thing, and I open it up, and it looks like a triple-A battery that's been cut in half.

And I'm like, what the fuck is this thing?

I don't have that.

I don't have that.

I have the AA

cut-in-half looking one.

This is a 12-volt.

This is a 12-volt battery.

And like an asshole, I'm like, yeah, I'm going to fish through all of these fucking batteries because everybody, you know, with the toys, everybody just fucking, the kids, everybody just digs in and rips shit open.

So they're all mixed.

Like the batteries are as organized as the Legos are in my house.

Right?

And

so I'm fishing through, just like, like laughing to myself, going, there's no way I'm going to find a 12-volt battery.

And what do I find at the bottom?

I find a 12-volt battery.

I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Does it fit?

Does it fit?

It fits.

It fucking fits.

And I put it in, and I put the fucking thing in, and I press the button, and I got no light.

I'm like, well, maybe, maybe if I screw the thing back together, the contact will be tighter, and then it's going to, and I screwed the whole thing back together, and then nothing.

And I was just like, of

of course.

This is worse than not having a 12-volt battery, actually, having one and going through the excitement of, like, yeah,

this is something that never works out.

It actually worked out, this is fucking amazing.

Only,

you know, only to have it be like, yeah, it is the right battery.

It's the batter you need, but like the battery you just took out, it doesn't work.

So,

I'm like, all right, well,

I'm just not going to take this loss sitting down.

I'm going to the fucking hardware store.

So I go to the hardware store and I am a man on a mission.

I am buying every fucking squat little fat fucking battery they have.

I'm getting some extra double A's.

I'm getting some extra triple A's.

And guess what?

Guess what?

I'm keeping these for myself.

I'm having a little box in the fucking garage

just for my batteries, where all the batteries are still in, in, in, like, organized.

You know?

Alphabetically, voltage, whatever the fuck you want to, like, Dewey decimal, however you want to, they are going to be where I left them.

And no duds.

Like, you know?

Like, who the fuck put that battery

back in

you took a new one, you took out the old one.

Did you throw it in the trash?

No, you put it in the fucking fresh battery box.

And then you took out that other one, and then you went away with your Tyrannosaurus Rex or whatever the fuck you needed it for.

You know?

And who ends up, who's the Patsy?

Who's the Lee Harvey Oswald?

This old fucking freckled dad comes up,

gets excited.

Oh, wow, what a great Sunday afternoon.

Who would have thought?

If you fucking gone to my head, I didn't have a little fucking 12-volt battery.

And I did.

I just didn't realize it was a fucking dead one.

What the hell is that?

Guy's flying awfully low.

Awfully low.

Fixed wing, awfully goddamn low.

I'm doing a podcast, brother.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Um,

this fucking neighborhood, everybody's got to talk to you.

Everybody's got to talk to you.

I'm an asshole.

I should have said hello.

I'm such a dick.

I'm doing a podcast.

Why did I just say that?

All day today, I said the wrong thing.

I should have just said hello.

I'm doing a podcast.

How in the fuck would he know I was doing a podcast?

Who does a podcast in a fucking truck on the side of the road?

Hey, you know what?

Gotta remember that guy's face, and I'll apologize to him.

Probably won't want to talk to me.

I'll explain myself.

I'm sorry.

I was by myself doing a podcast with no guests, talking to myself

about why it's so wrong to put a dead 12-volt battery in the bottom of a plastic bin that was bought at the container store.

I think we'll understand.

Anyway, so I say, fuck this, and I go down to the hardware store and I just fucking buy everything.

You would have thought a hurricane was coming.

I was doing the battery version of when people go down, you know,

and they buy out all the fucking food.

You know,

it's a hurricane.

Why are you buying all of this food?

food?

You know, it's just gonna get soggy.

How long do you think your soggy fucking roast beef's gonna be good for?

You're gonna eat that shit floating around in the water?

If it's really that bad that you have to buy this amount of food and you're just gonna have it in a refrigerator

that is not waterproof, and that water is gonna come up.

Okay, and the first thing that's gonna happen is your bread is gonna float away.

Alright?

It's gonna float away, and some poor bird is gonna eat it.

I I love when people fucking feed bread to birds, that man-made shit that's dyed with bleach.

You know what I mean?

Bringing them into our world.

Big pharmaceutical wants you to do that.

Feed human food to the animals, and then they'll get sick.

And then maybe somebody will take that bird to the vet,

and we will have the pill that keeps it alive just long enough that it can fly to another piece of bread and stay sick.

Oh god, this is getting dark.

This is over Batteriesville, yeah.

So anyway, I was just having one of those days.

Just not vibing with my fellow man.

And I took, me and my wife took the kids to go see

Bad Guys Part 2.

I give it 8.5 out of 10, two big thumbs up.

Fucking cool movie to take your kids to.

And the only reason why I'm not, you know,

because there's classics out there.

Like Lego Batman.

That's a 10 for me.

But this is 8.5, dude.

This is like, it's right up there.

And

I have the idea already for the third version.

Of Bad Guys.

Alright, spoiler alert.

Alright.

The first bad guys, they were bad guys.

Spoiler alert, here we go.

The second

bad guys,

I don't want to, somebody's going to get pissed if I fucking do this.

The second bad guys

is

different

than the first one.

In a 180 kind of way, right?

I had the idea for the third one.

The third one is they go legit.

How you doing?

Hey.

What's up, buddy?

Cute dog.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

The little ones are always, they always got something to prove.

See that?

I can crush the small talk.

I learned from my past mistakes.

I turned it on.

I turned on.

That's the best it gets.

That's as deep as the charm is.

Oh, the little world's over.

She hung around any longer.

All I had was the weather, and then I was done.

Part three.

They go legit.

Too legit to quit, but you know, they sort of alluded that they're like working for like almost like the Secret Service now.

So now they go legit, and they feel like they're not bad guys anymore.

But then it turns out that they're working for the war machine and the banks and the oil companies and all these big corporations.

And then they realize, like, wait a minute, they were saying we were bad guys.

All we were doing were fucking robbing banks.

And then somehow you tie in this thing where people are like assassinating CEOs now.

Just stay with me.

Just stay with me.

I could still do this as you just do it with metaphor.

You know what I mean?

You don't actually say it's a CEO,

it's a CEO,

no, or something.

Sorry, that was the worst dad joke ever.

You fucking.

You work your way around it, right?

So these fucking guys, and now they think that they're fucking legit.

They have all these security clearances and all that.

And then the world that they go into,

where they think, like, wow, like, we are so.

We're such good people now.

We're not bad guys anymore.

That's not feeling like that's the right name for the movie, but

they get so fucking enamored with their position that they just think they're almost going to meet like these angelic people.

And then what happens is they actually find out how the world is run.

I want to say that cross-dressing guy from the FBI said that one time.

Said that the common man will never figure out what's going on.

And

if he actually does,

the truth of what's really going on is so fucking overwhelming, they won't be able to handle it.

Can you imagine

like how you have to be wired mentally to operate on that level?

You know,

a buddy of mine gave me this series of comic books that I'm watching, that I'm reading,

Last Man or something like that.

And

it's about like, I don't know, just one day all the men on earth die.

Right?

And what's really cool about it is this, this, it's the most accurate thing that I think would happen

if all men died.

Because for the longest time, feminism has always preached, you know, because, you know, men are in control.

We're running shit.

We're calling the shots.

You know, when it really comes down to foreign policy and the food we eat and all this shit, the end of the day,

you know, you want to find who's running it.

There's some swinging dick at the end of that fucking journey, right?

So they've always had like, you know, to push their agenda and, you know, also pump themselves up because we've been calling them who's for so long and dragging around by their hair.

They've been pushing this theory that if women ran the world, that there would be peace and all of this stuff.

And, you know, if there's no man or anything like that, that there would be like this fucking utopia.

And this series of comic books

basically shows what I think would happen,

which is what would happen

is

the

female version of the psycho men that are running, like that's what would take over.

Um,

like being a sociopath

psycho fucking narcissist, that that's not gender specific.

Like, there's plenty of women that would, without hesitation,

commit unspeakable fucking acts to maintain their position of power if they were fucking running things.

Okay, Margaret Thatcher.

There's been examples of this throughout history, but

what I like about it is it ends up kind of I'm only like

one and a half episodes or whatever editions into this thing, but what's amazing about it

is the world without men seems the same

the way they did it.

There's like chill, cool people, there's fucking scared people

and then there's extremist psycho groups and they're all

you know

fighting with each other trying to get power.

So it's kind of like, you know, all right, this is the

exact same shit.

And I think literally like that's what would happen.

That, that's my,

my guess.

You know what I mean?

It's my belief or whatever.

You know, what are your feelings of someone who just wears a tank top, whether they work out or not?

What are your feelings on that?

You know, if it's comfortable, you're not hurting anybody.

You know?

I always wondered about that.

Like, I always felt like, you know, being a child from the 70s and 80s, if you had a tank top on, you had to be fucking

jacked.

You know, that's, I mean,

that was the deal.

You had to be fucking jacked.

And then you had to have big puffy pants because you never, you didn't do legs.

You didn't.

You know what the squat rack was for in the 80s?

That was to hang up your fucking fanny pack.

That's all it was.

Very few people.

Very few people getting every once, there was always like one or two guys that really fucking did it and were proportioned.

And when they were coming to the gym, everybody was just fucking, you know,

you felt the shame

of the toothpicks, you know.

I'll never forget.

I remember one time there was somebody

I worked with, and this dude was just fucking huge.

And I was like, wow, man, I would not want to fuck with that guy.

And then we had the company picnic, and he had on like these Larry Bird short shorts because it was the fucking 80s.

And I swear to God, like, he had the,

he looked like a fucking roided up chicken, like a pigeon or something.

I couldn't fucking believe it.

I'm like, that guy,

like, he's, remember those guys, you know, chest and buys, back and tries?

He just did that on a loop.

He just did that on a fucking loop

and like his his leg exercises was where he was getting up and down from the bench after bench pressing

but you know in defense of my generation like weightlifting was really new back then like people didn't know any better

You know, even if you were doing your legs, like there wasn't like this balanced attack that people talk about now, where, you know, you can't just keep doing, you know, the shit that you see.

You know, your back needs to be strong too.

You're gonna, your shoulders are gonna bow forward, or it'll be, you know,

get yanked up or whatever.

I don't know what.

You're gonna have rotator cuff issues like I ended up having.

Anyway,

so,

yeah, so I just had, I had just a day today where I just wasn't fucking

I wasn't vibing with people.

But you know what?

I didn't get mad.

I just kind of was like, you know what?

I need to meditate.

I got to do something.

Because this is definitely, it's definitely me.

It's definitely something going on with me.

Speaking of me, the Red Sox lost the last two.

I don't know if they lost three.

I got a little busy, so I wasn't able to

watch the last couple games, but I ended up playing drums

Thursday night.

I had one of my favorite drumming things I ever did.

A buddy of mine has this consulting job

with this music chain.

I always get weird about talking about people's names and fucking where they work.

Whatever.

Long story short,

I'm playing drums in a parking lot in Thousand Oaks, California behind a fucking brewery.

Alright?

And it's like,

it was, the vibe was just awesome.

It was,

it just reminded me

of when I used to play back in the 80s, where it was just a bunch of people getting together playing because they loved to play.

And it was like, but this was like, you know, moms and dads getting up there, fucking rocking out and pulling shit off or making mistakes and laughing and just keep going.

It was just fun.

And the two drummers that were on before me were fucking great.

And the first was a woman and she played left-handed.

I didn't get a chance to talk to her because there was so much commotion.

And she was so cool.

Like, she fucking

was just really, like,

just solid.

Because there was a lot of, like,

I mean, I don't think a lot of these people were like bands.

I think it was just like a bunch of people got together and jammed.

So this was sort of like their first gig.

So a lot of shit can go wrong.

And she was just, you know, that fucking

rock for them to stand on.

And she played left-handed.

So when her set was done, what I thought was so cool was

she immediately jumped up and helped the next drummer switch it back around to right-handed.

And then he played like open-handed.

So he had his ride symbol on the right-hand side next to the hi-hat or whatever.

But she was just like all about it.

Like all about it.

Maybe that's that, it has something to do with being like a fucking left-handed drummer on like a jam night.

You're like, all right, I'm the pain in the ass, so I'm going to try to be as less of a pain in the ass as possible.

Oh my God, you know what that fucking reminds me of?

This is such a weird

way to go.

When I was in Boston, right?

Way back in the day doing stand-up,

there was this comedian in a wheelchair, and a lot of the places didn't have

a ramp to get him up on stage.

So they would do like the intro, and then me and like, or whatever,

two, three other guys would fucking pick him up.

You know, one of those old school fucking hindsight hindsight fucking wheelchairs.

So I remember one time,

what's his face?

Patrice is, let me just walk by listening to a podcast.

Patrice was there.

And nobody wanted to say anything.

Nobody wanted to talk about...

The fuck is she listening to?

She's listening to like propaganda in another language.

That's crazy.

Speaking of that, I saw a billboard out here for Tony Robbins speaking live.

And you see the look on his face.

He's like, dude, that guy's the funniest fucking.

He like screams at people and insults them, like trying to, like, you know, you got to get your fucking shit together.

Do you feel better about yourself, you fucking asshole?

It's just like, how

you just look at that shit like that's how it was done.

Like, you get so abused as a person that like, even when you're trying to help people, you like abuse them.

Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about?

Oh, yeah, so we're lifting this dude up and we get him on stage or whatever.

And,

you know, we're all going back to the goddamn room, going, you know, the back of the room because it was like a high stage.

Like, Jesus fucking Christ, I almost threw my back out.

You know, it's a fucking wheelchair and an adult.

And I remember Patrice like bitching, going, you know, about the guy who was in the wheelchair.

He goes, and he doesn't even do anything to try to make himself lighter.

It's like,

like, what's he supposed to be doing?

But that's how it worked back then.

It wasn't that the club didn't have a fucking ramp and for whatever reason had a stage that didn't need to be that high.

It wasn't that.

That wasn't the problem.

The problem was

the paralyzed person in the fucking wheelchair didn't make themselves light.

That's how we looked at shit back then.

I got a good one for you.

I got a buddy back east, right?

I called him up and he told me he was working out again.

And I was like, oh, yeah?

Oh, that's great.

And I thought he was, you know, trying to get in shape because he's getting older.

And he told me, he goes, nah, he goes, me and my son got into it the other day and he like fucking threw me down on the ground.

So he was lifting weights.

So his son couldn't beat him up.

And it's just like, well,

why don't you work on the relationship?

And he goes, no, no, I know, I know, I know, I know.

We're going to work on it.

But, you know, like, I don't,

you know,

I also don't, you know, it was embarrassing.

Like, my wife was that.

That's what he said to me.

This guy's just fucking walking up the middle of the street.

So, anyway, hey, how are you doing?

How are you?

Jesus Jesus Christ.

He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

And then when I said hello to him, he just lit up, smiled, and waved and didn't say anything.

This is funny.

Sunday night, it's like old people like going for a walk out here.

It's kind of cool.

Just going for a walk.

I wonder what goes through your head at that age when you go for a walk.

You got to be thinking like, huh?

Is this one it?

Is this the last one I got?

Dude, I'll tell you what, that would be a great fucking movie.

Just

an old guy going for a walk.

And he's walking down the street and everybody's looking at him or whatever.

And then in his head, you get to see the movie of what the fuck he's reliving

from way back in the day.

It's a nice guy.

Freaked me out a little.

He's a fucking nice guy.

Alright, I think I babbled enough.

Billy the Babbler.

Let's fucking do a little reads here.

All right, Bill.

You don't got to swear about it, do you?

Red Sox lost 6-2 to the San Diego Padres.

Jesus Christ.

The fucking National League West.

Our make-a-wish division.

Could we send more fucking talent out there?

Although that Xander Bogarts thing, you know, I guess that was free agent.

See?

Lost Mookie Wilson.

We could have signed those guys if we wanted to.

All right.

Let's get into the

reads here for the week.

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Okay, here we go.

Primus movie.

Oh, you know, I never finished telling the stories of being in that parking lot.

So then we

ended up,

me and my buddy went up for the last song of the last group.

They were doing all Zeppelin things, so we did Black Dog.

And

I just had a fucking blast.

Everyone was playing great, you know.

I made some mistakes, you know, whatever.

Just had a, you know, the whole fucking reason why you start playing music was just to have a good time and meet other cool people.

And it was just, it was an awesome time.

All right, Primus movie.

Oh, this is a great one.

Dear Billy's Cinnamon Tits.

What does that even mean?

Cinnamon is brown.

I'm as fucking white as that's still funny, though.

Cinnamon tits.

Is that like sweet tits?

Congrats on playing with Primus.

That's a dream come true.

Yeah, that was unbelievable.

That was unfucking believable.

Yeah,

I still,

yeah, when they started playing, I was just like, I remember being in the basement.

My brother had the boombox, and he goes, dude, listen to this shit.

And he put on sailing the seas of cheese.

And fucking all these years later, I just can't.

Yeah, it was beyond.

It was fucking beyond.

Still have not come down.

Anyway, I've been a fan since high school and have seen them about a dozen times.

I saw them earlier this year in Austin, and there was an actual mosh pit.

It was a bunch of 40-year-olds moshing, so it was fairly tame.

We all have jobs and families, so can't go too hard, but it made me feel like I was in my 20s again.

That's awesome.

Not sure if you've seen it, but Les Claypool made a spinal tap-like mockumentary called Electric Apricot, Quest for Festeroo.

It follows the fictional jam band Electric Apricot as they record their first album and try to get into the jam band festival called Fester Roop.

I have to see this.

He's made a few movies that I've watched.

That guy is like,

he's beyond a genius.

He's like a genius in like three different, like his comedy, the movies, like the way they're shot, these little films that he makes.

And obviously his bass playing and just everything he does.

He's like, he's an across the board, incredible,

incredible creative force.

And he's the most humble, nice guy you're ever going to meet.

Anyway, the songs they wrote from the movie are really good, too.

Les plays the drummer named Lap Dog, and it's fucking hilarious.

It's in my top three favorite movies of all time.

I'll tell anyone about it that I think would enjoy it.

So wouldn't...

Would enjoy it.

So wanted to pass it along to you.

You'll definitely get some good laughs.

I believe it's on Amazon to stream.

All right, I'll check that out.

All right.

All right.

Amazon Guy's Wedding.

Oh, it's all Amazon this week.

Hey, Billy, same-day delivery.

Oh, I did that thing where I made it go up to the top.

And the old me used to get frustrated and scream and yell, but not now.

All right.

Keeping it together.

Amazon Guy's Wedding.

Hey, Billy, same-day delivery.

I work with some folks who have the same attitude towards Bezos as you.

I share it as well to an extent because I grew up working in my uncle's general store.

I hate that corporatism has done to us.

But my bigger problem is this.

Oh, dude, my fucking thing right now is when I was going to the movies, I must have saw like nine of those driverless fucking cars.

And it's just like the people are so fucking stupid.

It's like, don't you see where the hurt is going to go?

Pretty soon, you won't even have the option of running away from the cops.

You know?

And everybody, well, why would you want to run away from the cops?

Because you need the option.

You always have to have the option is if authority gets out of control to be able to fucking organize some sort of fight back.

This is what's going to happen.

They're going to start showing people fucking sleeping on the way to work as these fucking cars drive you and just show you how goddamn goddamn convenient it is.

And you're going to turn in the car that you drive, the one that you could fucking decide where it goes, rather than them.

Because I'm telling you right now, you're going to fucking get one of those cars.

And in the near future, when they, you know, just, they'll have all of these stats.

You know, they're already putting out stats like fucking like, you know, Uber.

Every two seconds, somebody gets finger banged in the back of their fucking.

Well, that's a fucking Uber problem.

Why don't you screen who the hell you're giving a fucking license to

they had taxi cabs forever nobody had that you had the plastic partition

all they could do is yell how they wanted to sexually assault you they couldn't do it

all right whatever i'm just saying one of these days you're gonna get one of those fucking cars and you're gonna have said the wrong thing on a podcast or whatever and you think you're going left you know going to your favorite breakfast spot and all of a sudden your day the thing takes you right to go to some re-education

fucking camp

They're so dumb.

They're so dumb.

They're keeping you dumb and they're pumping you full of sugar and they're getting rid of books and all of this stuff and they don't want you to know about anything and they get you hate states and fucking hate brown people and all of this shit and you just keep getting dumber and dumber.

And you know why?

That's why the world makes sense to you.

That's why it's so easily fixed because you don't know anything about it.

That's why.

That's why it seems so fucking simple.

Because they've made, they've gone out of their way.

They make you fucking stupid and you are stupid.

You're so stupid.

you don't know you're fucking dumb.

That's what it is.

That's all of those fucking people that, yeah, what do we need?

More satellites flying around the fucking world?

The amount of people that drive drunk, they're gonna do all of that shit

and act like they actually, the same people that look the other fucking way and let these people give you poison food to your own fucking baby are gonna act like they're worried about your safety behind the wheel.

They aren't.

They're worried about your freedom and your ability to run from them them when whatever the fuck they have planned with this AI robot shit.

All right?

You can say I'm fucking crazy.

You can say that I'm just a crazy bald ginger in an old fucking pickup truck doing a podcast by himself on the side of the road.

I, you know, guilty as charged.

But I think there's some truth in some of that.

Anyway, plowing ahead.

Plowing ahead, moving ahead.

Anyway, first off, the people at work who are appalled.

Okay, my bigger problem is this.

This is a person talking about corporations.

First of all, the people at work, oh, by the way, I ran into somebody that works at Phil's Coffee.

They said that it was common stock and that they're allowed to take it away from their employees.

But who the fuck does that?

They're still cunts.

And there's no Phil with a Z.

There's another fucking coffee out there, the same fucking thing.

Ted's coffee, Tom's coffee.

Fuck you.

Where is he?

How come he doesn't have a last name?

First off, the people at work who were appalled at the elaborate wedding all use Amazon.

That's true.

I'm going to watch that movie.

I repeat, they all use Amazon.

One of these bitches actually has our place of work as an address and has had personal items for home sent there.

So they don't have to stop on the way home to get something like toothpaste, same-day delivery.

So, for real, shut the fuck up if you're going to order toothpaste to the office.

Well, I don't 100% agree with that.

Okay?

This person, you know, you can run a place like Amazon and still not be a cunt.

Right?

Can't you do that?

It always comes back to what about this guy?

You know what I mean?

Like, this is like shifting the focus.

It's like these fucking billionaires move the herd.

They move the herd.

Like, nobody wants any of these fucking robots.

You know, we're all going to be interacting with them soon.

I don't know, but there's always this person.

It'd be like complaining about a local crime lord, but also buying drugs from his guy on the corner and never calling the cops.

By the way, this is real to me.

I grew up in a rough neighborhood and I watched people lose their family members to drugs supplied by their old friends from high school and they'd still be friendly with them, either out of stupidity or fear.

In the case of Amazon, how can anyone be surprised that he can afford to shut down a block in a legendary city when everyone is on the delivery tit.

Yeah, you know, you are right.

These people literally help pay for the fucking wedding.

I think someone may have complained about this before, but it needs to be said over and over again.

To everyone who ever complains about a company they support regularly, go fuck yourselves.

Well, you can't come at people like that.

You can't say go fuck yourselves because they're just going to tune it out and say fuck you too.

But you are right.

You are right.

I try as much as I can to not use these fucking things.

I'm trying to find, like, I need razor blades right now, and I refuse to order them

on any site.

I just want to go to a fucking store and go in and buy them.

And they're just closing them up everywhere.

I don't know.

I don't know what to tell you.

But yeah, you should.

This person's right.

The way they're delivering it, fuck you, go fuck yourself.

That never works.

No one's ever going to listen to your opinion.

I mean, I am the king of that.

I am the king of

saying something and then saying, go fuck yourself afterwards.

And hence, nobody really listens to me.

That's why I'm on the side of the road sitting here by myself.

I am sitting in, I am lying in the bed that I've created, that I've made.

All right.

Near mid-air

collision.

Dear Billy Blade Slappa, a while back, you asked for listeners that are pilots to write in with some stories.

A few years ago,

I had my closest ever call in an aircraft I was flying a cross-country flight in the Midwest on a beautiful winter day because the weather was so nice and the visibility was fantastic I decided not to file an IFR flight plan

I also did not use flight following as I didn't think I would really need it since there isn't much traffic in my area the area in and the area I would be flying in.

About halfway through the flight, I start passing a Class Delta airport.

Well, outside of the Class Delta airspace, well, outside the Class Delta airspace, what I hadn't considered in my decision is not using flight following was that while I passed this airport,

there could be traffic descending to the airport through my altitude.

Oh my god, you can guess what happened.

Oh my god, yes, Jesus Christ.

Pretty soon, my avionics started blaring.

Traffic, traffic, 10 o'clock.

I looked outside, didn't see anything.

But when I looked at the display, there was a plane headed right towards me.

That means it's above you or below you, right?

And moving fast.

It turned out to be a Gulfstream being vectored by air traffic controllers who apparently didn't think we would get this close together.

This big bitch ended up coming within a mile of me as we both turned to avoid each other.

Well, as long as you had your transponder on, the air traffic controller could see you.

Jesus Christ, that's still terrifying.

I went back to listening to the ATC recordings, and the controller never even told the Gulfstream pilots I was there.

There you go.

Shows you what the fuck I know.

The pilot told the controller they were maneuvering to avoid traffic, and all the controller said was Roger.

Yeah, you know, I've only flown in the middle of nowhere a few times, and there's definitely not

the sense of urgency that you have in the LA basin.

There's people in airports all over the place.

So there's all kinds of,

you know,

people paying attention.

Wow.

After I was done cleaning up all this shit in my pants, I vowed to never fly without an IFR flight plan or flight following again.

Big fan of everything you do.

Keep it up, Billy Boy, and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, you know, I'm glad you shared that story.

I think that anytime you fly, you should use all available

safety,

you know, that

you possibly can.

I don't do any of that like

flying cross-country.

I mean 20 nautical miles if you land you can log it as

cross-country, but as the layman considers cross-country, like flying out of a state into another state.

Like, I don't do any of that shit.

But if I did, like, you know, I've actually flown a helicopter

with an instructor up to San Francisco and back, and we had flight following.

And it's great.

They just basically follow your flight.

They let you know what is coming up, what to look out for.

You know, they'll just,

you know, you won't talk talk to them for a minute, and all of a sudden they'll just let you know, we got traffic, you know,

so-and-so, nautical miles away.

They're at this altitude.

They'll tell you to descend.

You're good where you're at, ascend, or whatever, what to look out for.

I mean, it's really incredible.

You know, that reminds me a long time ago.

One of my instructors told me a story.

They were flying a helicopter at night, and everything was fine.

This is back in the day before.

all of this incredible technology where you can basically, you know, now if you have like a glass cockpit, like this software, you can see all the airplanes and helicopters in your area, how far away they are.

You can put your finger on it, it'll say the tail number, the arrow points in the direction that they're flying, what their altitude is.

It's incredible.

But back in the day, you just had your six-pack, basically, of

you know, analog gauges.

So you just had your head on a swivel.

So at night,

you know,

shit above you, you can see, but below you with the city lights, like shit shit blends in.

And he told me he was flying like a fucking R-22,

which is, you know, the smallest of all helicopters, right?

He was flying along, and then all of a sudden, the whole, his whole cockpit lit up

like a landing light or whatever, or just somebody flying across with a light.

And he was just like, he didn't, he didn't know where it was coming from.

He just was like blinded, and then it disappeared.

Oh, God.

I remember him telling me that story, and I was just like, I'm never flying at night.

And I never have.

I've never soloed at night.

I have no fucking interest in doing that whatsoever.

I mean, that is big, big boy shit.

You know, you'll fly over just like a, you know, you'll see city lights, and then you just see a dark,

like,

whole section, and you don't know if it's water, if it's grass, if it's a hill, you have no idea what the fuck it is,

if it's the fucking ocean.

If you get all this, you don't know where the fuck you went, you have no idea what the hell it is.

Um,

yeah, and an engine failure, trying to you're just looking at streetlights, fucking trying to land.

Fuck all that, fuck all of that.

Uh, I fly during the day when it's nice out.

Uh, all right, dad not being dad.

Hey, Billy, big fan.

Uh, just to chime in on the last Monday morning podcast Letters to Billy section.

Specifically, the person who found out their dad wasn't their dad.

Oh, yeah, yeah, this guy did a 23 and me and found out his mom had an affair.

And she begged him not to tell the dad.

And I was just like, I mean, I don't know what to tell you.

This person said, so in short, I'm in the same boat.

My mother was cheating on the old man and had me back in the 80s.

Oh my god, dude.

Jesus Christ.

The woman's just got to be hoping, I hope he just looks like me.

The person mentioned the dad had a history of depression, and not to tell him.

Well, my old man tried to kill himself multiple times with alcohol when I was coming up.

And I was told he only really started drinking when I was born.

Oh, no.

Thing is, he knew.

My mother knew knew he knew, and we both Lowish.

Wait.

My mother knew.

Oh, God, the coyotes are killing

somebody's dog.

Oh, my God.

Fucking hear that in the hills every once in a while.

Just high-pitched fucking...

Alright, sorry about that dark.

thought.

The thing is, he knew, my mother knew he knew, and both lowish level hated me on account of it.

Your own mother hated you too?

Well, tell her not to fucking lay on her back with a leg spread, taking a hot one.

What the fuck?

I suppose what I'm driving at is the dad's mental issues could easily be a result of knowing he's not the father.

And this elephant in the room, and the person

a walking reminder, his wife of his wife being a hoo-wah.

My heart goes out to him.

If it was me, I'd tell the old man, but what do I know?

All the best from Ireland.

Jesus, does anything in Ireland, anything happy happen in Ireland?

Jesus Christ.

That was the fucking

whore version of Angela's Ashes.

Angela's asses.

Angela's ass bent over the fucking pub.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Anyway, yeah, wow.

Okay.

Well, I think we did it.

Okay.

We talked about self-driving cars.

We talked about robots.

We talked about women running the world.

We talked about men knowing that their wife is a whore.

I think we did it.

I think we got it all done.

All right.

That is the podcast, everybody.

We found out where to buy your toothpaste, so where not to buy it.

I think, I think we're doing it.

All right, that is the podcast, everybody.

Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

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