Squats, Driverless Cars, Toothpaste Delivery | Monday Morning Podcast 8-11-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago. Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd, Bezos now, ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 1 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

Speaker 1 August 11th, 2025. What's going on? How are

Speaker 1 you?

Speaker 1 How's things going out your way? Oh, geez. Are they going well there?

Speaker 1 Oh, man. I'm all fucking stressed.

Speaker 1 The fuck out. I am so goddamn stressed out.
I can't figure out why. I had a nice day.
Well, you know, let's be honest.

Speaker 1 I don't don't know what it was like today today was just one of those fucking days you know i had i had this thing you know the open the door automatic lock thing and uh and it wasn't working and i was like oh you know judging by the shape of this thing this has one of those frisbee type batteries ah we got those we got those out in the goddamn garage we can do that you know we have it

Speaker 1 So, Jesus fucking Christ. This lady just walked by, by the way.

Speaker 1 She fucking walks by. She's walking her dogs and she's like talking full volume on her phone.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Like the level that everybody is addicted to their phones. I'm talking about myself too.
I kind of got back into reading so I could kind of curb it.

Speaker 1 Like if you ever take a peek, you averaged eight hours. Get the fuck out of here, eight hours.
Do they count listening to music?

Speaker 1 Eight hours? What am I solving in the Middle East? And I'm not. I'm just fucking

Speaker 1 watching whores trying to do fucking backbends. And they forgot that they haven't done a push-up or any gymnastics in 20 years, and then they land on their fucking faces.

Speaker 1 How they don't break their necks is fucking beyond me.

Speaker 1 It's unreal. And then that transitions

Speaker 1 into fucking

Speaker 1 dadbar guys for whatever reason.

Speaker 1 Trying to do a cartwheel

Speaker 1 after fucking, you know, eating

Speaker 1 mozzarella sticks and fucking potato skins and bacon wrap this and that for 20 years

Speaker 1 so they got these big keg of beer torsos and then they just got these these fucking

Speaker 1 you know the straight arm where you don't see any bicep or tricep it's like yeah that's just a fucking flabby arm right

Speaker 1 And the same thing happens to them. Once their body weight gets on their arms, they just collapse onto their face.
It's kind of fucking brutal.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so she's walking up the hill running a yap, and I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. Can I record my podcast? I'm literally on my phone.
Gonna get upset with her.

Speaker 1 It's like, dude, you're on your phone, too. So then in my head, I knew I was wrong.
So then I had to like clarify it and be like,

Speaker 1 you know, I had to be like,

Speaker 1 yeah, what did I say? What the fuck did I say? I said,

Speaker 1 why the fuck would anybody be, unless you're in show business, why would you want, like, willingly be on your phone? That's what I said.

Speaker 1 Like, I justified what I was doing because I had the burden of being a fucking shit joke telling comedian. You know, there's a lot of times during the day, even without you guys,

Speaker 1 I say, shut the fuck up, Bill.

Speaker 1 I think that's a healthy quality. Just shut up.
And with that, I'm going to do this hour-long podcast by myself. This is the only voice you're going to hear.

Speaker 1 Anyway, it used to be so simple. It used to be such a simple thing.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 now it's become all fucking convoluted.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did a fucking podcast, right? And like,

Speaker 1 you know, you do these podcasts, and then people take clips, and then they just name.

Speaker 1 they rename it and they just change what you're saying because they want to get clicks.

Speaker 1 There was a click on this podcast that I thought I did a good interview and it says Bill trashes all podcasters or takes down all but it's like when the fuck did I I didn't do that

Speaker 1 but that makes people people oh I got I gotta fucking see what that's what it is what it is

Speaker 1 Everybody's click on this. It's a fucking trade wreck.
You gotta see it. And people click on it.
I mean look at me. I'm fucking watching adults who still think they can do back bends and cartwheels.

Speaker 1 And I'm just watching them falling on the top of their head or on their faces.

Speaker 1 And then the end of the week, my phone's going, like, you averaged eight hours a day on your phone, and I'm going, No, I did not.

Speaker 1 You know, like a narcissist parent. Oh, I never did that.

Speaker 1 Oh, it was a joke.

Speaker 1 I didn't mean it that way.

Speaker 1 Well, if I did, don't you love that? You get that from a narcissist? If I did that, if I did that, if I did that, then I'm sorry. No, there's no if you did that.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't recall. I don't recall, but you know, if you're saying you're, if you're saying, I am saying it.

Speaker 1 I am saying you did. Well, okay, okay, all right.
Well, you know, if I did that,

Speaker 1 there's no if you cunt.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 anyway, I'll tell you, another fucking type of person that's fucking driving me up the wall

Speaker 1 is like, yeah, dude, like, I don't know what happened. I was like,

Speaker 1 I was fucking, Jesus Christ, these kids tell me they're killing each other next door.

Speaker 1 This is just no fucking place to do a fuck.

Speaker 1 This is why people have studios. I have to get a fucking studio.

Speaker 1 I'm having something done to my fucking drum room right now.

Speaker 1 The people that built it, they're fucking idiots. They put air conditioning in it, right? But they don't have an exit vent.

Speaker 1 So the second you close the door, it, you know,

Speaker 1 creates like this fucking vacuum or whatever the fuck's going on. And they just saw, it goes to a halt like somebody's squeezing a hose.

Speaker 1 So I'm finally getting that repaired. So the next few weeks or whatever the fuck I'm, you know,

Speaker 1 how much more shit is backordered? I'll be in my goddamn truck here. Doing my podcast as people walk by on their phones as I'm on my phone judging them for being on their phone too much.

Speaker 1 That's how I roll. So, anyway,

Speaker 1 I'm looking at this fucking thing

Speaker 1 and I'm thinking, uh,

Speaker 1 this

Speaker 1 car door opener or whatever the fuck it is. And I'm thinking, like, all right, this

Speaker 1 has got to be,

Speaker 1 oh, God, I can't do this podcast with these fucking kids screaming in the background. Jesus Christ, you know,

Speaker 1 the exact same sound

Speaker 1 kids playing outside

Speaker 1 is the exact same sound of an adult woman being murdered it's the exact same sound it's fucking unbelievable but the the blood curdling fucking screaming and you're just sitting there going like you guys are playing right you're still playing everything's good fuck are my keys

Speaker 1 I mean, this is the most unprofessional thing you can be possibly listening to right now. And you're still listening to it, but I know it's not for the right reasons.

Speaker 1 I know you're laughing.

Speaker 1 you're laughing you know what i finally learned about my truck you know these old cars you always want to give it a couple of

Speaker 1 punches of gas before you start it up my truck for whatever reason

Speaker 1 you don't want to do that you just want to start it up

Speaker 1 start it up dry

Speaker 1 oh jesus all right now i'm going to go down the fucking street a little bit and then what am I going to run to what the fuck is going to be going on down there

Speaker 1 Everybody's out Sunday night. Everybody's fucking walking around

Speaker 1 walking their goddamn dogs. These fucking people with these dogs.
They're wolves, alright? It's not a dog.

Speaker 1 It's not a dog. It's a gay wolf.
That's what it is. It stays inside.

Speaker 1 It's transitioned

Speaker 1 from a wolf

Speaker 1 to a...

Speaker 1 What's the generation we're all supposed to be making fun of now?

Speaker 1 What's the latest generation that everybody's blaming? There's nothing better than when like 40 and 50 year olds are blaming the generation that they raised. Like how funny is that?

Speaker 1 You know, the amount of fucking baby boomers that like trash millennials. They can't fucking do anything.
Well you fucking raised them. What are you bitching about?

Speaker 1 You know? And now my generation is bitching. I don't know what the fuck.
I can't keep up with this

Speaker 1 YZ.

Speaker 1 Generation Y, Generation Z, and now I think it's Generation Alpha, which I'm gonna

Speaker 1 I'm gonna go right now and just say that's the greatest name for a generation. Generation Alpha,

Speaker 1 as opposed to like the greatest generation,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 which I think, you know.

Speaker 1 Like, did Tom Brokard coin that phrase? Did they call him something else before that? There's no way when they were born, they just said, this is the greatest generation.

Speaker 1 They did shit, and then they said, that's the greatest generation, right?

Speaker 1 But it still kind of seems like, you know, like a clip clip of a review for like a bad Hollywood summertime movie.

Speaker 1 You know, arguably the greatest

Speaker 1 end-of-the-world summer blockbuster movie of all time. Arguably the greatest generation.
I'm gonna get through this fucking story, people. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm gonna get through it.

Speaker 1 This is a nice street,

Speaker 1 it's nice and fucking quiet, a little too quiet. Um, somebody's gonna come running out that front door with a GIMP outfit on.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus Christ. Anyway, so

Speaker 1 I'm thinking it's one of those frisbee type batteries,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 of course, I go to open the fucking thing and I open it up and it looks like a triple-A battery that's been cut in half. And I'm like, what the fuck is this thing? I don't have that.

Speaker 1 I don't have that. I have the AA

Speaker 1 cut-in-half-looking one. This is a 12-volt.

Speaker 1 This is a 12-volt battery.

Speaker 1 And like an asshole, I'm like, eh, I'm going to fish through all of these fucking batteries because everybody, you know, with the toys, everybody just fucking, the kids, everybody just digs in and rips shit open.

Speaker 1 So they're all mixed.

Speaker 1 Like the batteries are as organized as the Legos are in my house. Right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so I'm fishing through, just like, like laughing to myself, going, there's no way I'm going to find a 12-volt battery. And what do I find at the bottom? I find a 12-volt battery.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Speaker 1 Does it fit? Does it fit? It fits. It fucking fits.
And I put it in and I put the fucking thing in and I press the button and I got no light. I'm like, well, maybe, maybe

Speaker 1 if I screw the thing back together, the contact will be tighter and then it's going to, and I screwed the whole thing back together and then nothing. And I was just like, of course.

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 This is worse than not having a 12-volt battery. Actually, having one and going through the excitement of like, yeah.

Speaker 1 This is something that never works out. It actually worked out.
This is fucking amazing

Speaker 1 Only

Speaker 1 you know only to have it be like yeah it is the right battery it's the battery you need but like the battery you just took out it doesn't work

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 I'm like all right well

Speaker 1 I'm just not gonna take this loss sitting down I'm going to the fucking hardware store

Speaker 1 so I go to the hardware store and I am a man on a mission

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 am buying every fucking squat little fat fucking battery battery they have. I'm getting some extra double A's.
I'm getting some extra triple A's. And guess what? Guess what?

Speaker 1 I'm keeping these for myself.

Speaker 1 I'm having a little box in the fucking garage

Speaker 1 just for my batteries, where all the batteries are still in, in, in, like, organized.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Alphabetically, voltage, whatever the fuck you want to, like, Dewey Decimal, however you want to, they are going to be where I left them. And no duds.

Speaker 1 Like, you know? Like, who the fuck put that battery

Speaker 1 back in?

Speaker 1 You took a new one. You took out the old one.
Did you throw it in the trash? No, you put it in the fucking fresh battery box.

Speaker 1 And then you took out that other one. And then you went away with your Tyrannosaurus Rex or whatever the fuck you needed it for.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 And who ends up, who's the Patsy? Who's the Lee Harvey Oswald? This old fucking freckled dad comes up,

Speaker 1 gets excited. Oh, wow, what a great Sunday afternoon.
Who would have thought? If you fucking gone to my head, I didn't have a little fucking 12-volt battery.

Speaker 1 And I did. I just didn't realize it was a fucking dead one.
What the hell is that? Guy's flying awfully low, awfully low. Fixed wing, awfully goddamn low.
I'm doing a podcast, brother.

Speaker 1 Oh, thank you, sir.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 this fucking neighborhood, everybody's got to talk to to you.

Speaker 1 Everybody's got to talk to you

Speaker 1 I'm an asshole. I should have said hello.
I'm such a dick. I'm doing a podcast.

Speaker 1 Why did I just say that? All day today I said the wrong thing. I should have just said hello.
I'm doing a podcast. How in the fuck would he know I was doing a podcast?

Speaker 1 Who does a podcast in a fucking truck on the side of the road?

Speaker 1 Hey, you know what?

Speaker 1 Gotta remember that guy's face and I'll apologize to him. Probably won't want to talk to me.

Speaker 1 I'll explain myself. Sorry.
I was by myself doing a podcast with no guests, talking to myself

Speaker 1 about why it's so wrong to put a dead 12-volt battery in the bottom of a plastic bin that was bought at the container store.

Speaker 1 I think we'll understand.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so I say fuck this, and I go down to the hardware store, and I just fucking buy everything.

Speaker 1 You would have thought a hurricane was coming. I was doing the battery version of when people go down, you know, and they buy out all the fucking food.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 it's a hurricane. Why are you buying all of this food?

Speaker 1 You know, it's just going to get soggy.

Speaker 1 How long do you think your soggy fucking roast beef is going to be good for? You're going to eat that shit floating around in the water?

Speaker 1 If it's really that bad that you have to buy this amount of food, and you're just going to have it in a refrigerator

Speaker 1 that is not waterproof. And that water is going to come come up.
Okay, the first thing that's going to happen is your bread is going to float away. Alright?

Speaker 1 It's going to float away, and some poor bird is going to eat it. I love when people fucking feed bread to birds, that man-made shit that's dyed with bleach.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Bringing them into our world.

Speaker 1 Big Pharmaceutical wants you to do that. Feed human food to the animals, and then they'll get sick.
And then maybe somebody will take that bird to the vet,

Speaker 1 and we will have the pill that keeps it alive just long enough that it can fly to another piece of bread and stay sick.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, this is getting dark. This is over Batteriesville, yeah.
So, anyway,

Speaker 1 I was just having one of those days,

Speaker 1 just not vibing with my fellow man.

Speaker 1 And I took, me and my wife took the kids to go see

Speaker 1 Bad Guys Part 2.

Speaker 1 I give it 8.5 out of 10, two big thumbs up.

Speaker 1 Fucking cool movie to take your kids to.

Speaker 1 And the only reason why I'm not, you know,

Speaker 1 because there's classics out there. Like Lego Batman.
That's a 10 for me.

Speaker 1 But this is 8.5, dude. This is like, it's right up there.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I have the idea

Speaker 1 already for the third version

Speaker 1 of Bad Guys. All right, spoiler alert.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 The first bad guys, they were bad guys.

Speaker 1 Spoiler alert. Here we go.

Speaker 1 The second

Speaker 1 bad guys.

Speaker 1 I don't want to. Somebody's going to get pissed if I fucking do this.
The second bad guys

Speaker 1 is different

Speaker 1 than the first one in a 180 kind of way, right? I had the idea for the third one.

Speaker 1 The third one is they go legit. How are you doing? Hey, what's up, buddy? Cute dog.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah. The little ones are always they always got something to prove.

Speaker 1 Um, see that? I can crush the small talk.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 I learned from my past mistakes.

Speaker 1 I turned it on. I turned on.

Speaker 1 That's the best it gets. That's as deep as the charm is.
Oh, the little world's over.

Speaker 1 She hung around any longer. All I had was the weather.
And then I was done.

Speaker 1 Part three.

Speaker 1 They go legit.

Speaker 1 Too legit to quit, but you know, they sort of alluded that they're like working for like almost like the secret service now. So now they go legit and they feel like they're not bad guys anymore.

Speaker 1 But then it turns out that they're working for the war machine and the banks and the oil companies and all these big corporations.

Speaker 1 And then they realize, like, wait a minute, they were saying we were bad guys. All we were doing were fucking robbing banks.

Speaker 1 And then somehow you tie in this thing where people are like assassinating CEOs now.

Speaker 1 Just stay with me. Just stay with me.

Speaker 1 I could still still do this as you just do it with metaphor.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You don't actually say it's a CEO.

Speaker 1 It's a CEO,

Speaker 1 no, or something.

Speaker 1 Sorry, that was the worst dad joke ever. You fucking, you work your way around it, right? So these fucking guys, and now they think that they're fucking legit.

Speaker 1 They have all these security clearances and all that. And then the world that they go into

Speaker 1 where they think, like, wow, like we are so, we're such good people now.

Speaker 1 We're not bad guys anymore.

Speaker 1 That's not feeling like that's the right name for the movie, but

Speaker 1 but uh

Speaker 1 they get so fucking enamored with their position that they just think they're almost going to meet like these angelic people, and then what happens is they actually find out how the world is run.

Speaker 1 I want to say that cross-dressing guy from the FBI said that one time, Said that the common man will never figure out what's going on.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 if he actually does, the truth of what's really going on is so fucking overwhelming, they won't be able to handle it.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine

Speaker 1 like how you have to be wired mentally to operate on that level? You know,

Speaker 1 a a buddy of mine gave me this series of comic books that I'm watching, that I'm reading,

Speaker 1 Last Man or something like that.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's about like, I don't know, just one day all the men on earth die, right? And what's really cool about it is this, this, it's the most accurate thing that I think would happen

Speaker 1 if all men died. Because there's for the longest time feminism has always preached, you know, because, you know, men are in control.
We're running shit.

Speaker 1 We're calling the shots, you know, when it really comes down to foreign policy and the food we eat and all this shit. At the end of the day,

Speaker 1 you know, you want to find who's running it.

Speaker 1 There's some swinging dick at the end of that fucking journey, right?

Speaker 1 So they've always had, like, you know, to push their agenda. and, you know, also pump themselves up because we've been calling them whoers for so long and dragging around by their hair.

Speaker 1 They've been pushing this theory that if women ran the world, that there would be peace and all of this stuff.

Speaker 1 And, you know, if there's no men or anything like that, that there would be like this fucking utopia.

Speaker 1 And this series of comic books

Speaker 1 basically shows what I think would happen.

Speaker 1 Which is what would happen is

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 female version of the psycho men that are running, like, that's what would take over.

Speaker 1 Like being a sociopath

Speaker 1 psycho fucking narcissist, that that's not gender specific.

Speaker 1 Like there's plenty of women that that would without hesitation

Speaker 1 commit unspeakable fucking acts to maintain their position of power if they were fucking running things. Okay? Margaret, that's true.

Speaker 1 There's been examples of this throughout history. But

Speaker 1 what I like about it is it ends up kind of I'm only like

Speaker 1 one and a half episodes or whatever editions into this thing. But what's amazing about it

Speaker 1 is the world without men seems the same

Speaker 1 the way they did it. There's like chill, cool people, there's fucking scared people

Speaker 1 and then there's extremist psycho groups, and they're all,

Speaker 1 you know, fighting with each other, trying to get power. So it's kind of like, you know, all right, this is the uh

Speaker 1 this is the exact same shit. And I think literally like that's what would happen.
That that's my

Speaker 1 guess. You know what I mean? Um

Speaker 1 it's my belief or whatever.

Speaker 1 You know, what are your feelings of someone who just wears a tank top, whether they work out or not? What are your feelings on that?

Speaker 1 You know, if it's comfortable, you're not hurting anybody.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I always wondered about that. Like, I always felt like, you know, being a child from the 70s and 80s, if you had a tank top on, you had to be fucking,

Speaker 1 you had to be jacked.

Speaker 1 You know? That's, I mean, that was the deal. You had to be fucking jacked and then you had to have big puffy pants because you never, you didn't do legs.

Speaker 1 You didn't. No.

Speaker 1 You know what the squat rack was for in the 80s? That was to hang up your fucking fanny pack.

Speaker 1 That's all it was.

Speaker 1 It's very few people.

Speaker 1 Very few people getting every once. There was always like one or two guys that really fucking did it and were proportioned.
And when they were coming to the gym, everybody was just fucking, you know,

Speaker 1 you felt the shame

Speaker 1 of the toothpicks, you know.

Speaker 1 I'll never forget. I remember one time there was somebody

Speaker 1 I worked with, and this dude was just fucking huge. And I was like, wow, man, I would not want to fuck with that guy.

Speaker 1 And then we had the company picnic, and he had on like these Larry Bird short shorts because it was the fucking 80s. And I swear to God, like he had the,

Speaker 1 he looked like a fucking roided up chicken, like a pigeon or something. I couldn't fucking believe it.
I'm like, that guy,

Speaker 1 like, he's, remember those guys, you know, chest and buys, back in tries? He just did that on a loop.

Speaker 1 He just did that on a fucking loop.

Speaker 1 And like, his, his leg exercises was, where he was getting up and down from the bench after bench pressing.

Speaker 1 But you know, in defense of my generation, like weightlifting was really new back then. Like people didn't know any better.

Speaker 1 You know, even if you were doing your legs, like, there wasn't like this balanced attack that people talk about now,

Speaker 1 where you know, you can't just keep doing you know, the shit that you see. You know, your back needs to be strong too.
You're gonna, your shoulders are gonna bow forward, or it'll be, you know,

Speaker 1 get yanked up or whatever. I don't know what you're gonna have rotator cuff issues, like I ended up having.
Um, anyway,

Speaker 1 so uh,

Speaker 1 yeah, so I just had I had just a day today where I just wasn't fucking

Speaker 1 I wasn't vibing with people

Speaker 1 But you know what I didn't get mad. I just kind of was like you know what I need to meditate.
I gotta do something

Speaker 1 Because this is definitely it's definitely me

Speaker 1 There's definitely something going on with me Speaking of me the Red Sox lost the last two. I don't know if they lost three I got a little busy so I wasn't able to uh

Speaker 1 I wasn't able to um

Speaker 1 watch the last couple games, but I ended up playing drums on a Thursday night. I had one of my favorite drumming things I ever did.
A buddy of mine has this consulting job

Speaker 1 with this music change.

Speaker 1 I always get weird about talking about people's names and fucking where they work. Whatever.
Long story short.

Speaker 1 I'm playing drums in a parking lot in Thousand Oaks, California behind a fucking brewery. All right, and it's like

Speaker 1 it was, the vibe vibe was just awesome. It was, uh,

Speaker 1 it just reminded me

Speaker 1 of when I used to play back in the 80s, where it was just a bunch of people getting together, playing because they love to play.

Speaker 1 And it was like, but this was like, you know, moms and dads getting up there, fucking rocking out and pulling shit off or making mistakes and laughing and just keep going. It was just fun.

Speaker 1 And the two drummers drummers that were on before me were fucking great. And the first was a woman, and she played left-handed.

Speaker 1 I didn't get a chance to talk to her because there was so much commotion. And she was so cool.
Like, she fucking

Speaker 1 was just really

Speaker 1 just solid. Because there was a lot of, like,

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't think a lot of these people were like bands. I think it was just like a bunch of people got together and jammed.
So this was sort of like their first gig.

Speaker 1 So a lot of shit can go wrong. And she was just, you know, that fucking

Speaker 1 rock for them to to stand on. And she played left-handed.
So when her set was done, what I thought was so cool was

Speaker 1 she immediately jumped up and helped the next drummer switch it back around to right-handed. And then he played like open-handed.

Speaker 1 So he had his ride symbol on the right-hand side next to the hi-hat or whatever. But she was just like all about it.
Like all about it.

Speaker 1 Maybe it has something to do with being like a fucking left-handed drummer on like a jam night.

Speaker 1 You're like, all right, I'm the pain in the ass, so I'm going to try to be as less of a pain in the ass as possible. Oh my God, you know what that fucking reminds me of? This is such a weird

Speaker 1 way to go.

Speaker 1 When I was in Boston, right, way back in the day doing stand-up,

Speaker 1 there was this comedian in a wheelchair, and a lot of the places didn't have

Speaker 1 a ramp to get him up on stage. So they would do like the intro, and then me and like, or whatever,

Speaker 1 two, three other guys would fucking pick him up. You know, one of those old school fucking ironside fucking wheelchairs.

Speaker 1 So I remember one time,

Speaker 1 what's his face?

Speaker 1 Patrice is, somebody just walked by listening to a podcast.

Speaker 1 Patrice was there.

Speaker 1 And nobody wanted to say anything. Nobody wanted to talk about.

Speaker 1 What the fuck is she listening to? She's listening to like propaganda in another language.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. Speaking of that, I saw a billboard out here for Tony Robbins speaking live.
And you see the look on his face. He's like, dude, that guy's the funniest fucking.

Speaker 1 He like screams at people and insults them, like trying to like, you know, you got to get your fucking shit together.

Speaker 1 Do you feel better about yourself, you fucking asshole? It's just like, how, like, you just look at that shit like that's how it was done.

Speaker 1 Like, you get so abused as a person that, like, even when you're trying to help people, you like abuse them.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh, yeah, so we're lifting this dude up, and we get him on stage or whatever.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, we're all going back to the goddamn room, going, you know, the back of the room because it was like a high stage. Like, Jesus fucking Christ, I almost threw my back out.

Speaker 1 You know, it's a fucking wheelchair

Speaker 1 and an adult. And I remember Patrice like bitching going, you know, about the guy who was in the wheelchair.

Speaker 1 He goes, and he doesn't even do anything to try to make himself lighter.

Speaker 1 It's like,

Speaker 1 like, what's he supposed to be doing?

Speaker 1 But that's how it worked back then.

Speaker 1 It wasn't that the club didn't have a fucking ramp and for whatever reason had a stage that didn't need to be that high it wasn't that that wasn't the problem that what the problem was

Speaker 1 the paralyzed person in the wheelchair didn't make themselves light that's how we looked at shit back then

Speaker 1 i got a good one for you i got a buddy back east right i called him up and he told me he was working out again

Speaker 1 and i was like oh yeah Oh, that's great. And I thought he was, you know, trying to get in shape because he's getting older.

Speaker 1 And he told me, he goes, nah, he goes, me and my son got into it the other day and he like fucking threw me down on the ground.

Speaker 1 So, he was lifting weights,

Speaker 1 so his son couldn't beat him up. And it's just like, Well,

Speaker 1 why don't you work on the relationship?

Speaker 1 And he goes, No, no, I know, I know, I know, I know.

Speaker 1 We're gonna work on it, but you know, like, I don't,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 I also don't, you know, it's embarrassing. Like, my wife was there.
That's what that's what he said to me.

Speaker 1 This guy's just fucking walking up the middle of the street. Um,

Speaker 1 so anyway, hey, how you doing?

Speaker 1 How are you?

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
And then when I said ho hello to him, he just lit up, smiled, and waved and didn't say anything.

Speaker 1 This is funny. Sunday night, it's like old people like going for a walk out here.

Speaker 1 It's kinda cool.

Speaker 1 Just going for a walk.

Speaker 1 I wonder what goes through your head at that age when you go for a walk. You gotta be thinking, like, huh?

Speaker 1 Is this one it? Is this the last one I got?

Speaker 1 Dude, I'll tell you what, that would be a great fucking movie.

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 1 an old guy going for a walk.

Speaker 1 And he's walking down the street and everybody's looking at him or whatever. And then in his head, you get to see the movie of what the fuck he's reliving from way back in the day.

Speaker 1 It's a nice guy.

Speaker 1 Freaked me out a little bit. He's a fucking nice guy.
All right, I think I babbled enough.

Speaker 1 Well, Billy the Babbler. Let's fucking do a little reads here.
All right, Bill. You don't got to swear about it, do you? Red Sox lost 6-2 to the San Diego Padres.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. The fucking National League West.
Our make-a-wish division. Could we send more fucking talent out there? Although that Xander Bogarts thing, you know, I guess that was free agent.

Speaker 1 See, Lost Mookie Wills a week. We could have signed those guys if we wanted to.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's get into the

Speaker 1 reads here for the week. Oh, Squarespace.

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Speaker 1 Okay, here we go Primus movie. Oh, you know I never finished telling the stories of being in that parking lot so then we

Speaker 1 We ended up

Speaker 1 me and my buddy went up for the last song of the last group

Speaker 1 They were doing all Zeppelin things, so we did Black Dog,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I just had a fucking blast. Everyone was playing great, you know.
I made some mistakes, you know, whatever.

Speaker 1 Just had a, you know, the whole fucking reason why you start playing music was just to have a good time and meet other cool people. And it was just, it was an awesome time.

Speaker 1 All right, Primus Movie.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is a great one. Dear Billy's Cinnamon Tits.

Speaker 1 What does that even mean? Cinnamon is brown. I'm as fucking white as that's still funny, though.

Speaker 1 Cinnamon tits. Is that like sweet tits?

Speaker 1 Congrats on playing with Primus. That's a dream come true.
Yeah, that was unbelievable. That was unfucking believable.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I still...

Speaker 1 Yeah, when they started playing, I was just like, I remember being in the basement.

Speaker 1 My brother had the boombox, and he goes, dude, listen to this shit. And he put on sailing the seas of cheese.

Speaker 1 And fucking all these years. I just can't.
Yeah, it was beyond. It was fucking beyond.
Still have not come down. Anyway, I've been a fan since high school and have seen them about a dozen times.

Speaker 1 I saw them earlier this year in Austin, and there was an actual mosh pit. It was a bunch of 40-year-olds moshing, so it was fairly tame.

Speaker 1 We all have jobs and families, so can't go too hard, but it made me feel like I was in my 20s again that's awesome not sure if you've seen it but Les Claypool made a spinal tap like mockumentary called Electric Apricot Quest for Festeroo

Speaker 1 it follows the fictional jam band Electric Apricot as they record their first album and try to get into the jam band festival called Festeroo

Speaker 1 I have to see this. He's made a few movies that I've watched.
That guy is like...

Speaker 1 He's beyond a genius.

Speaker 1 He's like a genius in like three different, like his comedy, the movies, like the way they're shot, these little films that he makes, and obviously his bass playing and just everything he does.

Speaker 1 He's like, he's an across the board, incredible,

Speaker 1 incredible creative force. And he's the most humble, nice guy you're ever going to meet.
Anyway, the songs they wrote from the movie are really good too.

Speaker 1 Les plays the drummer named Lap Dog, and it's fucking hilarious. It's in my top three favorite movies of all time.
I'll tell anyone about it that I think

Speaker 1 would enjoy it. So, wouldn't

Speaker 1 would enjoy it. So, wanted to pass it along to you.
You'll definitely get some good laughs. I believe it's on Amazon to stream.
All right, I'll check that out. All right.

Speaker 1 All right, Amazon Guy's Wedding. Oh, it's all Amazon this week.

Speaker 1 Hey, Billy, same day delivery.

Speaker 1 Oh, I did that thing where I made it go up to the top. And the old me used to get frustrated and scream and yell.
But not now. All right.

Speaker 1 Keeping it together.

Speaker 1 Amazon Guy's Wedding. Hey, Billy, same-day delivery.
I work with some folks who have the same attitude towards Bezos as you.

Speaker 1 I share it as well to an extent because I grew up working in my uncle's general store. I hate that corporatism has done to us.

Speaker 1 But my bigger problem is this. Oh, dude, my fucking thing right now is when I was going to the movies, I must have saw like nine of those driverless fucking cars.

Speaker 1 And it's just like,

Speaker 1 people are so fucking stupid. It's like, don't you see where the hurt is going to go?

Speaker 1 Pretty soon, you won't even have the option of running away from the cops.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 And everybody, well, why would you want to run away from the cops? Because you need the option.

Speaker 1 You always have to have the option is if authority gets out of control to be able to fucking organize some sort of fight back.

Speaker 1 This is what's going to happen. They're going to start showing people fucking sleeping on the way to work as these fucking cars drive you and just show you how goddamn convenient it is.

Speaker 1 And you're going to turn in the car that you drive, the one that you could fucking decide where it goes, rather than them.

Speaker 1 Because I'm telling you right now, you're going to fucking get one of those cars. And in the near future, when they, you know, just just, they'll have all of these stats.

Speaker 1 You know, they're already putting out stats like fucking, like, you know, Uber.

Speaker 1 Every two seconds, somebody gets finger-banged in the back of their fucking. Well, that's a fucking Uber problem.

Speaker 1 Why don't you screen who the hell you're giving a fucking license to?

Speaker 1 They had taxi cabs forever. Nobody had that.
You had the plastic partition.

Speaker 1 All they could do was yell how they wanted to sexually assault you. They couldn't do it.

Speaker 1 All right, whatever. I'm just saying, one of these days, you're going to get in one of those fucking cars and you're going to have said the wrong thing on a podcast or whatever.

Speaker 1 And you think you're going left, you know, going to your favorite breakfast spot. And all of a sudden, the thing takes you right to go to some re-education

Speaker 1 fucking camp.

Speaker 1 They're so dumb. They're so dead.

Speaker 1 They're keeping you dumb and they're pumping you full of sugar and they're getting rid of books and all of this stuff and they don't want you to know about anything and they get you hate states and fucking hate brown people and all of this shit and you just keep getting dumber and dumber and you know why that's why the world makes sense to you that's why it's so easily fixed because you don't know anything about it that's why that's why it seems so fucking simple because they've made they've gone out of their way they make you fucking stupid and you are stupid you're so stupid you don't know you're fucking dumb that's what it is

Speaker 1 That's all of those fucking people that yeah, what do we need more satellites flying around the fucking world

Speaker 1 The amount of people that drive drunk they're going to do all of that shit.

Speaker 1 And act like they actually.

Speaker 1 The same people that look the other fucking way and let these people give you poison food to your own fucking baby are going to act like they're worried about your safety behind the wheel.

Speaker 1 They aren't. They're worried about your freedom and your ability to run from them when whatever the fuck they have planned with this AI robot shit.
All right? You can say I'm fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 You can say that I'm just a crazy bald ginger in an old fucking pickup truck doing a podcast by himself on the side of the road. I, you know, guilty as charged.

Speaker 1 But I think there's some truth in some of that. Anyway, plowing ahead.
Plowing ahead, moving ahead.

Speaker 1 Anyway, first off, the people at work who are appalled. Okay, my bigger problem is this.
This is a person talking about corporations. First of all, the people at work...

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way, I ran into somebody that works at Phil's Coffee. They said that it was common stock and that they're allowed to take it away from their employees.
But who the fuck does that?

Speaker 1 They're still cunts. And there's no Phil with a Z.

Speaker 1 There's another fucking coffee out there, the same fucking thing. Ted's coffee, Tom's coffee.
Fuck you. Where is he? How come he doesn't have a last name?

Speaker 1 First off, the people at work who were appalled at the elaborate wedding all use Amazon. That's true.
I'm going to watch that movie. I repeat, they all use Amazon.

Speaker 1 One of these bitches actually has our place of work as an address and has had personal items for home sent there.

Speaker 1 So they don't have to stop on the way home to get something like toothpaste, same-day delivery. So, for real, shut the fuck up if you're going to order toothpaste to the office.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't 100% agree with that.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 This person, you know, you can run a place like Amazon and still not be a cunt, right?

Speaker 1 Can't you do that? It always comes back to what about this guy? You know what I mean? Like, this is like shifting the focus it's like these fucking billionaires move the herd

Speaker 1 they move the herd like nobody wants any of these fucking robots you know we're all gonna be interacting with them soon

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 i don't know but there's always this person okay it'd be like complaining about a local crime lord but also buying drugs from his guy on the corner and never calling the cops.

Speaker 1 By the way, this is real to me.

Speaker 1 I grew up in a rough neighborhood and I watched people lose their family members to drugs supplied by their old friends from high school and they'd still be friendly with them either out of stupidity or fear.

Speaker 1 In the case of Amazon, how can anyone be surprised that he can afford to shut down a block in a legendary city when everyone is on the delivery tit? Yeah, you know, you are right.

Speaker 1 These people literally help pay for the fucking wedding. I think someone may have complained about this before, but it needs to be said over and over again.

Speaker 1 To everyone who ever complains about a company they support regularly, go fuck yourselves well you can't come at people like that you can't say go fuck yourselves because they're just gonna tune it out and say fuck you too but you are right you are right

Speaker 1 I try as much as I can to not use these fucking things I'm trying to find like I need razor blades right now and I refuse to order them

Speaker 1 on any site. I just want to go to a fucking store and go in and buy them and they're just closing them up everywhere.
I don't know. I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 1 But yeah, you should.

Speaker 1 This person's right. The way they're delivering it, fuck you, go fuck yourself.
That never works. No one's ever going to listen to your opinion.
I mean, I am the king of that. I am the king of

Speaker 1 saying something and then saying, go fuck yourself afterwards. And hence, nobody really listens to me.

Speaker 1 That's why. I'm on the side of the road, sitting here by myself.

Speaker 1 I am lying in the bed that I've created, that I've made. All right.

Speaker 1 Near mid-air collision, collision.

Speaker 1 Dear Billy Blade Slappa, a while back you asked for listeners that are pilots to write in with some stories. A few years ago,

Speaker 1 I had my closest ever call in

Speaker 1 an aircraft. I was flying a cross-country flight in the Midwest on a beautiful winter day because the weather was so nice and the visibility was fantastic.
I decided not to file an IFR flight plan.

Speaker 1 I also did not use flight following as I didn't think I would really need it since there isn't much traffic in my area, the area in and the area I would be flying in.

Speaker 1 About halfway through the flight, I start passing a Class Delta airport. Well, outside of the Class Delta airspace, well outside the Class Delta airspace.

Speaker 1 What I hadn't considered in my decision is not using flight following was that while I passed this airport

Speaker 1 There could be traffic descending to the airport through my altitude.

Speaker 1 Oh My God, you can guess what happened. Oh my god.
Yes. Jesus Christ

Speaker 1 pretty soon My avionics started blaring traffic traffic 10 o'clock. I looked outside didn't see anything

Speaker 1 But when I looked at this display, there was a plane headed right towards me. That means it's above you or below you, right?

Speaker 1 And moving fast. It turned out to be a Gulfstream being vectored by air traffic controllers who apparently didn't think we would get this close together.

Speaker 1 This big bitch ended up coming within a mile of me

Speaker 1 as we both turned to avoid each other.

Speaker 1 Well, as long as you had your transponder on, the air traffic controller could see you.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, that's still terrifying. I went back to listening to the ATC recordings, and the controller never even told the Gulfstream pilots I was there.
There you go.

Speaker 1 Shows you what the fuck I know.

Speaker 1 The pilot told the controller they were maneuvering to avoid traffic and all the controller said was Roger.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, I've only flown in the middle of nowhere a few times and there's definitely not

Speaker 1 the sense of urgency that you have in the LA basin.

Speaker 1 There's people in airports all over the place. So there's all kinds of,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 people paying attention. Wow.

Speaker 1 After I was done cleaning up all this shit in my pants, I vowed to never fly without an IFR flight plan or flight following again. Big fan of everything you do.

Speaker 1 Keep it up, Billy Boy, and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, I'm glad you shared that story.

Speaker 1 I think that anytime you fly, you should use all available

Speaker 1 safety

Speaker 1 that you possibly can.

Speaker 1 I don't do any of that, like

Speaker 1 flying cross-country. I mean, 20 nautical miles, if you land, you can log it as

Speaker 1 cross-country. But as the layman considers cross-country, like flying out of a state into another state.
Like, I don't do any of that shit.

Speaker 1 But if I did, like, you know, I've actually, I've flown a helicopter with an instructor up to San Francisco and back, and we had flight following. And it's great.

Speaker 1 They just basically follow your flight. They let you know what it's coming up, what to look out for.

Speaker 1 You know, they'll just,

Speaker 1 you know, you won't talk to them for a minute, and all of a sudden they'll just let you know, you got traffic, you know,

Speaker 1 so-and-so, nautical miles away. They're at this altitude.
They'll tell you to descend. You're good where you're at.
Ascend or whatever, what to look out for.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's really incredible.

Speaker 1 Um, you know, that reminds me a long time ago. One of my instructors told me a story.
They were flying a helicopter at night, and everything was fine. This is back in the day before

Speaker 1 all of this incredible technology where you can basically, you know, now if you have like a glass cockpit, like this software, you can see all the airplanes and helicopters in your area, how far away they are.

Speaker 1 You can put your finger on it, it'll say the tail number, the arrow points in the direction that they're flying, what their altitude is. It's incredible.

Speaker 1 But back in the day, you just had your six-pack, basically, of

Speaker 1 analog gauges. So you just had your head on a swivel.
So at night,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 shit above you, you can see, but below you with the city lights, like shit blends in. And he told me he was flying like a fucking R-22,

Speaker 1 which is, you know, the smallest of all helicopters, right?

Speaker 1 He was flying along, and then all of a sudden, the whole his whole cod pick lit up

Speaker 1 like a landing light or whatever, or just somebody flying across with a light, and he was just like, he didn't, he didn't know where it was coming from.

Speaker 1 He just was like blinded, and then it disappeared.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 I remember him telling me that story, and I was just like, I'm never flying at night.

Speaker 1 And I never have. I've never soloed at night.
I have no fucking interest in doing that whatsoever. I mean, that is big, big boy shit.

Speaker 1 You know, you'll fly over, just like a, you know, you'll see city lights, and then you just see a dark,

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 whole section. And you don't know if it's water, if it's grass, if it's a hill.
You have no idea what the fuck it is.

Speaker 1 If it's the fucking ocean, if you get all this, you don't know where the fuck you went. You have no idea what the hell it is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, in an engine failure, trying to, you're just looking at streetlights, fucking trying to land. Fuck all that.
Fuck all of that.

Speaker 1 I fly during the day when it's nice out. Alright.
Dad not being dad. Hey, Billy, big fan.
Just to chime in on the last Monday morning podcast Letters to Billy section.

Speaker 1 Specifically, the person who found out their dad wasn't their dad.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, this guy did a 23 and me and found found out his mom had an affair. And she begged him not to tell the dad.

Speaker 1 And I was just like, I mean, I don't know what to tell you. This person said, so in short, I'm in the same boat.
My mother was cheating on the old man and had me back in the 80s.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, dude.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 The woman's just got to be hoping. I hope he just looks like me.
The person mentioned the dad had a history of depression and not to tell him.

Speaker 1 Well, my old man tried to kill himself multiple times with alcohol when I was coming up.

Speaker 1 And I was told he only really started drinking when I was born. Oh no.

Speaker 1 Thing is, he knew. My mother knew he knew, and we both Lowish.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 My mother knew.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, the coyotes are killing somebody. I'm somebody's dog.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 Fucking hear that in the hills every once in a while. Just high-pitched fucking.

Speaker 1 Alright, um sorry about that dark thought. Um

Speaker 1 the thing is he knew my mother knew he knew and both lowish level hated me on account of it.

Speaker 1 Your own mother hated you too?

Speaker 1 Well tell her not to fucking lay on her back with a leg spread taking a hot one. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 I suppose what I'm driving at is the dad's mental issues could easily be a result of knowing he's not the father. And this elephant in the room, and the person

Speaker 1 a walking reminder, his wife of his wife being a hoo-wah. My heart goes out to him.
If it was me, I'd tell the old man, but what do I know? All the best from Ireland.

Speaker 1 Jesus, does anything in Ireland, anything happy happen in Ireland?

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 That was the fucking

Speaker 1 whore version of Angela's Ashes.

Speaker 1 Angela's asses.

Speaker 1 Angela's ass bent over the fucking pub. Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 1 Anyway, yeah, wow. Okay.
Well, I think we did it. Okay, we talked about self-driving cars.
We talked about robots. We talked about women running the world.

Speaker 1 We talked about men knowing that their wife is a whore.

Speaker 1 I think we did it.

Speaker 1 I think we got it all done. All right.

Speaker 1 That is the podcast, everybody.

Speaker 1 We found out where to buy your toothpaste or where not to buy it. I think we're doing it.
All right. That is the podcast, everybody.
Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.