Y:The Last Man, Rubberneckers, Popcorn | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-14-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd, Bezos now, ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 2 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 1 Terms apply.

Speaker 4 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.

Speaker 1 Ooh,

Speaker 4 oh, Billy, driving around today. This is like the old school, for those of you who were listening, like 17, 18, whatever it is, fucking years ago when I first started, this is what I used to do.

Speaker 4 I used to drive around on my old flip phone.

Speaker 4 The old flip phone. Walking around fucking airports,

Speaker 4 making fun of the less fortunate, meaning fat people.

Speaker 4 You know, are they considered less fortunate because their thighs rub together? I don't know.

Speaker 4 Is that a first world problem? I don't think it is.

Speaker 4 I think it's a fucking food supply problem. What do you guys think of those new Volkswagen mini buses that they brought back? It looks like it's right out of cars.
I think they're fucking adorable.

Speaker 4 Oh, isn't it adorable?

Speaker 4 Wait, why would you make a van that's adorable when everybody knows that pedophiles lead towards vans? That is their car of choice. Their vehicle of choice.
And they make it adorable.

Speaker 4 I mean, that thing was so cute, I'd get in it.

Speaker 1 You have candy?

Speaker 1 57.

Speaker 4 Get kidnapped.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 plowing ahead here.

Speaker 4 Yeah, this is like the old days, the old days. So, anyway, the lunatic,

Speaker 4 the lunatic is still being a lunatic out there. And I gotta tell you, you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 I think that lunatic, he's going after the right people.

Speaker 4 Is there any reason why you're not gonna deport the fucking people that turned our food supply into poison?

Speaker 4 But instead, you're gonna try to round up 10 guys at a Home Depot that are trying to put up a sun sale for you for an incredibly competitive price?

Speaker 4 Why don't they go after the people that did that?

Speaker 4 That

Speaker 4 fucking poisoned their own people for their profit.

Speaker 4 They came up with synthetic heroin. Why don't they deport those people?

Speaker 1 Oh, I know why.

Speaker 4 Because they're what?

Speaker 4 And they give money to the politicians.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 4 There you go. That's the difference.

Speaker 4 You know what separates that guy at Home Depot from being in the the country and not being in the country? Being able to afford a commercial on CNN or Fox News.

Speaker 4 Being able to pay a judge or a fucking politician, blue or red.

Speaker 4 If you can fucking do that,

Speaker 4 you are in this country.

Speaker 1 But if you can't,

Speaker 4 if you can't, they're kicking you out and then they're demonizing you. Where are all the people that were eating the dogs?

Speaker 4 Where are all the ones that were eating the dogs? There's been one dog eater. They're eating the dogs.
Where are they?

Speaker 4 I want footage. I want to see somebody flossing with the dog collar and go, yeah, we got you.
You motherfucker. Get out of this country.
How dare you eat a cocker spaniel?

Speaker 1 It's bad enough if it was your own.

Speaker 4 Forget about your neighbors. I mean, that's what I was told during the election.
They're eating the dogs. They're not.

Speaker 4 They're hanging out at Home Depot,

Speaker 4 waiting to build an addition on your house for fucking $3 an hour

Speaker 4 anyway

Speaker 4 old Billy Redface oh

Speaker 4 Billy Redface

Speaker 4 he's got a meeting oh what do you what do you think you're important Bill you go into a meeting what are you gonna meet about Bill

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 4 oh Bill's been fucking reading I've been watching the Red Sox and I've been reading

Speaker 4 And did I mention I know I think I mentioned this before I've been reading that

Speaker 4 uh, The Last Man, I think it's called. I'm on my third installment of that.

Speaker 4 And uh, the whole

Speaker 4 premise of it is that there was a giant plague and it killed all the men, all the males. Everybody died, except for one dude and his male monkey.

Speaker 4 Uh, no, this is not the AIDS origin story, this is a different story.

Speaker 1 What am I reading?

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 4 that was the story they told us. They told us somebody fucked a monkey.

Speaker 4 Somebody fucked a monkey, and then a stewardess, a steward,

Speaker 4 unlike the fucking Concord, he got it, and then that was it.

Speaker 4 They blamed it on a gay guy in France because he hooked up with a dude that banged a monkey. That's what they told us.

Speaker 4 Okay? And nobody ever refuted it, so we're sticking with it.

Speaker 4 That's what happens. And when you lose a tooth, the tooth fairy flies in and somehow, you know,

Speaker 4 could carry quarters and shit like that that weighed more than she did.

Speaker 4 I mean, just what I know now with a pilot's license, you know, there's no way you're getting off the ground with that weight and balance. But it's also magic, right?

Speaker 4 And I think you're magic. Sorry.
This is what happens when you do a podcast and you lose your train of thought as you're driving.

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ. The fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, the people that they are deporting.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 4 Not one fucking dog eater.

Speaker 4 Oh shit, the line is fucking moving. I had the typical traffic today.

Speaker 4 where it was like just a ridiculous

Speaker 4 slowdown and you're like, this this has to be an accident and it was it was an a

Speaker 4 somebody t-boned another car and they were sitting there and there was a tow truck but what kills me is it was on the it wasn't even on our highway it was a highway going past another highway and everybody's slowing down to look at it

Speaker 4 it's like just go home

Speaker 4 Somebody has like the actual accident and they'll post it. Just look it up and you can just you can watch it.
instead of slowing the fuck down and causing, you know,

Speaker 4 10 miles of creep and crawl in there.

Speaker 4 I mean, what are you going to do next?

Speaker 4 Not release the Epstein thing, but deport people hanging out at a Home Depot? Is that the next move?

Speaker 4 By the way, I love how people think there's a fucking list. It doesn't even make any sense.
Why would there be a list?

Speaker 4 What is the point of assassinating Epstein and then there's a aha, right?

Speaker 4 That doesn't make any sense. Did I go the wrong fucking way?

Speaker 1 Oh my god, I probably did.

Speaker 4 Hey, you know,

Speaker 4 what are you gonna do?

Speaker 4 What the fuck are you gonna do? Did I go the wrong fucking way?

Speaker 4 I think I did, because I'm going up. Alright, I gotta hit pause on this thing, son of a bitch.

Speaker 4 Why do I do these things to myself? Who p

Speaker 4 okay? I did not go the wrong way.

Speaker 4 I did not go the wrong way. I just am not familiar with this area.

Speaker 4 Hey, speaking of something I wasn't familiar with,

Speaker 4 I can't believe this album came out in 1988, so ahead of its time.

Speaker 4 There's a band called Talk Talk, and the album is Spirit of Eden. I'd never heard of it.

Speaker 4 It is absolutely an incredible, incredible, ahead-of-its time album.

Speaker 4 There's a few of those out.

Speaker 4 I don't know a lot of them from the 80s, but right in the late 80s, like the amount of stuff that was really changing, like take like that, or maybe mid-80s, like that ministry album

Speaker 4 from like 86, Jane's Addiction, nothing shocking from right around there. And this Spirit of Eden, talk, talk.
And MTV, all they were doing was playing the hair metal bands, and I was all about it.

Speaker 4 I couldn't get enough of it. I was just watching, was watching the countdown.

Speaker 4 I mean, this is like right around when this album came out was when all the W bands came out,

Speaker 4 right? It was right around then. Like, White Snake had been around, but they finally hit

Speaker 4 within the still of the night, right?

Speaker 4 And then White Lion.

Speaker 4 There was that Vito guy on guitar who was incredible. It's like, oh my God, there's another Eddie Van Halen.
And then there were Warren.

Speaker 4 And then there was the

Speaker 4 She's Only 17.

Speaker 4 17.

Speaker 4 Right?

Speaker 4 What was that band called?

Speaker 4 That was

Speaker 1 Winger.

Speaker 4 All of that shit was coming out. And at the same time, Talk Talk made Spirit of Eden.
I love shit like that. Do you love shit like that? I do.
I do. How much do you love it, Bill?

Speaker 4 Enough to bring it up.

Speaker 4 But yeah,

Speaker 4 I was listening to all that mainstream shit and I missed out on a bunch of good music in the 80s.

Speaker 4 Not saying that, you know, my Warrant winger, I don't have any white line. I don't have any

Speaker 4 regrets over that.

Speaker 4 You know, if I had to do it all over again, I'm not turning in my acid-wash jeans.

Speaker 4 You know, Billy Tank Top walking around a warehouse, Huh?

Speaker 4 Little fucking knife on my belt. Break open the boxes.

Speaker 4 Shipping and receiving. I got a position.

Speaker 4 Anyway, I watched my Red Sox last night.

Speaker 4 We at least got like the tying run to the plate in ninth inning. Lost the series to the Houston Astros.
But, you know, it's a fun, goddamn team to be watching.

Speaker 4 And then that kid May, the red-headed kid with the mullet, right? My illegitimate son.

Speaker 4 He struck out like nine, gave us seven strong innings.

Speaker 4 That was good. His debut wasn't that good, so it was good to see him get a good start there.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 4 Now we're off to, I think we have today off, Wednesday off.

Speaker 4 And they were commenting on that. The rare Wednesday off

Speaker 4 in baseball. Moto GP is back.
I'm not even doing a podcast anymore, everybody. I'm just telling you what's happening.
What's happening?

Speaker 4 I also

Speaker 4 went to the premiere of Bob Odenkirk,

Speaker 4 my former castmate on Glen Gary, Glenn Ross.

Speaker 4 I went to go see Nobody Part 2,

Speaker 4 and

Speaker 4 it is just one of the most fun movies that I've seen in a long time. Everybody killed it.
Sharon Stone is in it.

Speaker 4 Playing the evil kingpin. She crushed it.
Bob, of course, crushed it. And

Speaker 4 who else? Colin Hanks is in it.

Speaker 4 It was just like,

Speaker 4 if you liked 80s action movies,

Speaker 4 it was exactly that. And it was not making fun of 80s action movies.
It wasn't being ironic. It just was an 80s action movie.
And I grew up on those things and I absolutely loved it.

Speaker 4 It was so much fun. I went there with my lovely wife.
And

Speaker 4 yeah, it was just,

Speaker 4 it was great. It was fantastic.
And

Speaker 4 that's the fun news. And then the sad news that I have,

Speaker 4 the bad news,

Speaker 4 speaking of what's happening, is Danielle Spencer, who played, Child Star played this character D on what's happening, passed away, unfortunately.

Speaker 4 Super young, only, I think, 60.

Speaker 4 It really made me sad. She was so that her character was so friggin awesome.
If you ever watched that back in the day, I just loved how her older brother Roger was afraid of her

Speaker 4 and how she was sort of like,

Speaker 4 I don't know, she just was

Speaker 4 like this, like another parent.

Speaker 4 And he couldn't get away with anything if she found out and all of that. And I just was watching clips and everything.

Speaker 4 And just like her poise

Speaker 4 that she had as like a 12-year-old, just crushing it on a hit sitcom. I've always been amazed.

Speaker 4 I would have been at 12 years old. If I got a laugh, my face would have turned red with embarrassment.
You know, like, oh my God, did I do that?

Speaker 4 And she just would absolutely destroy every episode that she was in.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 4 that was such a fun show. And I think the only actors left are the guys that play Roger and Dwayne.
Everybody else

Speaker 4 is gone. I used to see Shirley Hemphill down in the Laugh Factory, rest her soul, way back in the day.

Speaker 4 But that was

Speaker 4 a lot of sad ones, man.

Speaker 4 It's part of getting older. Just all this stuff that you loved.

Speaker 4 The people on it, you know?

Speaker 4 From Ozzie to Danielle Spencer, my God. I mean, that's a huge portion of my childhood.
Anyway, rest in peace to her.

Speaker 4 She had an amazing life, went on to become a veterinarian, and just seemed like a tremendous person. So, of course, what does God do? Always takes the tremendous people.

Speaker 4 Let me tell you that theory that I have, he always takes the good ones, right?

Speaker 4 Like, I feel like God, like,

Speaker 4 like, delays meeting his mistakes

Speaker 4 so they live forever, even if they're eating McDonald's every day. He's they're gonna live to be like 90.

Speaker 4 I mean, it's fucking amazing. That guy's genetics are incredible.
He has been eating off the slaughterhouse floor for fucking eight decades, and he's just

Speaker 4 walking around, still swinging a sword. I mean, you gotta, at least you can respect that.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 4 all right, well, it's time for the reads, man.

Speaker 4 Okay, here we go.

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Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd, Bezos now, ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming

Speaker 2 watch sebastian maniscalco it ain't right now streaming on hulu and hulu on disney plus for bundled subscribers terms apply

Speaker 4 plowing ahead here um

Speaker 4 i had a great time last night with my kids we uh

Speaker 4 We had a popcorn, we swam, and then we had popcorn in a movie night.

Speaker 4 And I made a bunch bunch of popcorn. And I said to my kids, I go, now don't eat all of that.
We'll have some, you know, because usually they'll eat like half of it.

Speaker 4 And then we have some stuff left over. Makes good for good snacks or whatever.

Speaker 4 What is my popcorn

Speaker 4 technique?

Speaker 4 I melt a ridiculous amount of butter because popcorn can take it. And I let it all pop.
And then I push it to one side. I butter the bottom third, push it to the other side.

Speaker 4 There's like, it's almost like three-thirds on the bottom. That all gets buttered.
And then

Speaker 4 I do the same thing on the top, and then I remove it to the side again, and then I salt the bottom third, and then I salt the top, you know, the

Speaker 4 bottom two,

Speaker 4 what am I trying, three slices, and then the top three slices. And then I give it a nice shake.

Speaker 4 You got to go butter first, so there's something for the salt to attach to, so it just doesn't end up down the bottom. So, anyway, I'm doing that

Speaker 4 and

Speaker 4 ended up getting a phone call and I'm on the phone. Something I had to handle.
And I come back like friggin' 10 minutes later, and all the popcorn's gone.

Speaker 4 And I'm like, guys,

Speaker 4 well, what happened with the popcorn? I told you, you know,

Speaker 4 I go, you guys ate up all the popcorn. And my daughter just goes, yeah, that's the point of it.

Speaker 4 It's like, what do you say say to that?

Speaker 4 It's like, you make popcorn to eat it. That's the point of it.

Speaker 4 It was just such a great comeback that I didn't have the, in the moment, I didn't

Speaker 4 have the wherewithal to be like, yeah, but I told you not to eat all of it.

Speaker 4 I was just so amazed

Speaker 4 and cracking up with that response.

Speaker 4 Like, I talked to my daughter one time, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 4 I was talking about you know I always tell her like when I have stressful gigs because you know kids need to know that adults like they get like freaked out and stuff and they don't know how things are gonna go and you get nervous but you do it anyway you know because they look at you oh you're an adult like you got it all figured out so I was telling her I say you know I go I got this gig tonight I got to play drums I'm nervous and blah blah blah blah blah blah

Speaker 4 And she's like, oh, yeah, I go, you know, it's kind of like you when you have to do like, you know, every year they have like the, around Christmas time, the holidays, they have like the kids, each class goes up and sings a song and they do like a dance.

Speaker 4 And you know, she was just sitting there going, like,

Speaker 4 you know,

Speaker 4 so how do you do that? Because I don't, I don't like when I have to do that Christmas thing. I always end up having to do a dance and I feel stupid.
And I go, yeah, but you know what's great?

Speaker 4 When you go on stage and you feel stupid, but you do it anyways,

Speaker 4 and you're able to do something that makes you feel stupid in front of a whole room full of people, it makes you stronger. And then it makes it easier for you to be who you really are.
And then

Speaker 4 my daughter, without missing a beat, just goes, Yeah, well, that's not who I am.

Speaker 4 Just like,

Speaker 4 God Lee, all right, okay. I mean, I don't know what to do with that.
That's just a

Speaker 4 okay. I look what I'm doing.
I'm projecting my own

Speaker 4 insecurities. I had as a kid, I didn't know who I was.
Evidently, you know who you are, so I'm not getting in the way of that.

Speaker 4 I'm not gonna lie to you guys, like I I had, like, this week as a dad, like, I really thought I was making some good points. And my kids just,

Speaker 4 it was like I was lobbing it over the net. They just

Speaker 4 fucking smashed it back at me.

Speaker 4 I mean, do you know, sometimes you just got to take the L as a parent. I mean, if they make a good point,

Speaker 4 what are you going to do? Die on the hill just because your ego can't handle losing to an eight-year-old?

Speaker 4 I mean, I guess I didn't look at it that way in the moment. that's that is pretty brutal huh um

Speaker 4 anyways this is just such a nice fucking street with the sequoias

Speaker 4 driving through one of the canyons and you come out these beautiful this is such a great city even though it shouldn't be here the amount of people that have never been here never lived here

Speaker 4 or got their fucking dick stepped on when they came out here so then they blame the city the city's fine it's it's the business the business is bad but i can tell you this you're gonna go back to your home state and whatever business whatever business you get into there.

Speaker 4 There's guys out there with big shoes gonna step on your dick out there, too. So you might as well be in a business you like, huh?

Speaker 4 Boy, what are you gonna work in a pet center? I like working with animals. You think that's not corporate?

Speaker 1 They're everywhere. They're everywhere.

Speaker 4 Trying to make their billion dollars so they can have a helicopter on the back of a boat while you live underneath a fucking bridge.

Speaker 4 And then they blame Mexicans hanging out at a Home Depot trying to help you put up a sun sale. And that's how you make it better.
That's how you make it great again.

Speaker 4 All right, I'm off my soapbox here.

Speaker 4 Anyway, what do I got left on this podcast before I have to go into my appointment there?

Speaker 4 Oh, Jesus. You don't even know your password to your own phone there.

Speaker 4 Alright, I gotta hit pause because I'm driving and it's becoming that time when I have to read the app. Ooh, look at their fire engine.
Look at their fire station. You guys got money out here.

Speaker 4 Wow. Was that a fire station or was that some sort of

Speaker 4 comment on a fire station?

Speaker 4 On what a fire station could look like in the future.

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ. I bet 90% of their calls is fucking rushing over to a house because somebody's fucking...

Speaker 4 Blown-out poodle just got snatched by a fucking coyote. Dude, those things are, they just, they have not been fucking around lately.

Speaker 4 They've been coming down in like groups of

Speaker 4 like six.

Speaker 4 You know, what's funny is I'm not afraid of coyotes at all. But like if it's a doper mint pincher or like a rottweiler

Speaker 4 or like like a pit bull or something like that, and it's coming at me, that I would be more nervous about

Speaker 4 dogs than I am coyotes. Coyotes don't give a fuck.
They just look at you like, I'm down here to get a sandwich. You're too big to eat.

Speaker 4 Growl at me, take a step at me. I'm just going to keep it moving.
I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 4 But like those, those

Speaker 4 people that have dogs, you know, aggressive dogs, those fucking things, when they look at you like, I don't know what their deal is.

Speaker 4 Like I feel like those dogs, they're like bad, like security. where they just escalate the situation.
I'm not coming down on breeds here.

Speaker 4 I'm just saying dogs that, you know, that are jacked, that look like they have a Gold's Gym membership, you know, those things frighten me.

Speaker 4 It's not really them, it's their owners.

Speaker 4 It's not the breed, it's the owner. Can I make a fucking right?

Speaker 1 Can I go straight here? I can go straight. All right.

Speaker 1 Isn't that nice when that works out?

Speaker 1 All right, I got to jump off the phone here. I know, Bill.

Speaker 4 We don't give a shit.

Speaker 4 do

Speaker 4 it?

Speaker 4 See, I'm crying.

Speaker 4 Looking at me, what's on TV,

Speaker 4 praying as a suffering

Speaker 4 and a struggle to be free.

Speaker 4 It can't ever be denied it.

Speaker 4 Never will let on.

Speaker 4 But when I see you coming,

Speaker 4 I can take it all.

Speaker 4 You're so fine,

Speaker 4 lose my mind,

Speaker 4 and the world since disappear.

Speaker 4 All the problems, all the fears,

Speaker 4 and the world since disappear.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 14th, 2017. What's going on? How are ya?

Speaker 1 How's it going? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Paul Versey fucking destroyed last night on his stand-up special in Terry Town, New York.

Speaker 1 And I want to thank everybody that came out

Speaker 1 for

Speaker 1 the two shows that we had there. And we just, I don't know, it just went as good as it could have gone, I felt.
and I was really proud of them

Speaker 1 you know that first one's always you know you got to figure out how to go up there and try and be relaxed as you're like holy shit I'm shooting a special

Speaker 1 look at those TV cameras look at the jib camera swinging by my damn face you know you got to block all of that know that the crowd's gonna be looking at that shit you know

Speaker 1 You learn that they have to turn off the fucking air conditioning because most of those old venues, the AC is so friggin' loud it messes with the audio.

Speaker 1 So you're then gonna go out there under hot lights with HD makeup on with no AC and progressively through your set, it's gonna get hotter.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 he learned all of that. And you know something? God damn it, he saw the fire and he fucking walked through it.
And

Speaker 1 he just, I don't know, he was, it just couldn't have gone any better. And

Speaker 1 there you go. So we're gonna edit that thing down and hopefully

Speaker 1 sell sell it to one of the goddamn networks. I mean, that's the

Speaker 1 goal. So congratulations to Paul Versey.

Speaker 1 That's it. You put him to bed.

Speaker 1 I told him that before he went out there. I was just like, dude, just look at it this way, okay? You're putting all these jokes to bed.
This is it. Okay?

Speaker 1 Go out there and give them the send-off they deserve.

Speaker 1 Because the second your special comes out, everyone's seen that material, then you can't do it again, and everybody will be like, dude, you already did that. You did that on your last fucking special.

Speaker 1 You know, your last special called Chuckle Hut. What the fuck is wrong with my goddamn computer?

Speaker 1 I've been having, oh my god, I have been having like the worst

Speaker 1 technology experiences.

Speaker 1 What is going on? Why is the screen just all black? Then I go, then I go to touch it,

Speaker 1 and it does that. What does that mean? Can I hit escape?

Speaker 1 Can I hit escape? Why don't they have an escape button for your life?

Speaker 1 Oh, it worked. It worked.

Speaker 1 The old escape button.

Speaker 1 You know, somebody could turn that into literally like in a movie, like turn it into a movie, a big-time Hollywood movie. You know, the escape button movie.

Speaker 1 You go in there, you could pitch it. Hey, you know, that escape button on your keyboard

Speaker 1 on your laptop? They'd be like, yup, yup, uh-huh. Ah, just imagine this guy, he fucking

Speaker 1 pushes it, you know,

Speaker 1 and he disappears.

Speaker 1 And all of a sudden, his wife is like, wait a minute, I thought I told you to go to the store. Where'd he go?

Speaker 1 And then whenever he fucking comes to, he's always,

Speaker 1 let's flush this, let's flush out this fucking awful movie. He was always in someplace better at first.

Speaker 1 But then there's, you know, he goes to a baseball game. He's like, this is amazing.
And then... you know, no one believes that it's true except for his dumb fat best friend.

Speaker 1 You know, they hit escape again, then they're at a steakhouse, you know, and they just keep hitting escape. Then eventually they, uh, they're some fucking, I don't know, where the hell did they go?

Speaker 1 They hit escape and they end up in fucking Syria or North Korea.

Speaker 1 That's where you get a note from the industry. Can it not be North Korea? Could it be, could it be like Canada? Like Winnipeg.
What if they went to Winnipeg? That's funny, right?

Speaker 1 I just feel like with today's political climate to say North Korea, I just think that, you know, then they're starving. And we like the fat friend.
Fat is funny, fat is non-threatening.

Speaker 1 I don't know. You guys can finish the rest of the fucking movie.

Speaker 4 Anyways,

Speaker 1 so I was very proud of Paul and all that type of stuff. And

Speaker 1 going to try to keep the podcast light

Speaker 1 despite all that fucking just horrible shit.

Speaker 1 That happened down in Charlottesville. It's just fucking

Speaker 1 Fuck. I don't know where to go.
I did hear one fucking funny thing about it.

Speaker 1 I mentioned, I'm going to say who I mentioned it to.

Speaker 1 I mentioned it to somebody else. I go, Jesus Christ, dude, can you fucking believe that shit down there in Charlottesville? The guy goes, he goes, no, what happened?

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know. I don't know if that is like...

Speaker 1 I don't know how you missed it, but I mean, there literally is that much information coming out at you that you could miss all that shit that went down there. And uh

Speaker 1 i mean i don't even need to comment on what the fuck went on down there if you're any sort of a human being

Speaker 1 uh you know

Speaker 1 that dude in that fucking car i swear to god like i'm trying to think of a proper punishment for that guy and i i can't think nothing is like enough

Speaker 1 To fucking drive, just do that, you know. You know what's funny about that guy?

Speaker 1 As I bet that guy has talked about ISIS and how cowardly terrorism is, and then he gets in a car and does what the fuck he did. It's just like, it's, I can't, I don't know.

Speaker 1 There must have been, I mean, obviously, beyond joining that fucking group, there's something wrong with that guy mentally.

Speaker 1 Anyways,

Speaker 1 see, that's why I didn't want to bring it up. Where do you go from there? And then fucking Trump, I'm done with that guy.
The guy's just no longer funny or anything. He's,

Speaker 1 I'm just done with that fucking guy.

Speaker 1 The fact that he wouldn't just straight up denounce it, the fact that he's gonna go, oh, you know, there's hatred on both sides, hatred on both sides. He's doing like that.
You know, what came first?

Speaker 1 The chicken or the egg? Slavery. Slavery came first.
You fucking dope. It's documented.
It's just so fun. Like, he's been catering to that racist fan base because he needed their votes.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying everybody who voted for Trump is racist, but like for that fucking guy to do that, it's absolutely fucking reprehensible. It's sickening.
Fucking sickening, okay?

Speaker 1 And I'm not a fucking,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 I'm not one of these guys that thought the sky was falling because this guy got in the office, you know, everybody freaking the fuck out, like what the fuck was going to happen.

Speaker 1 But I will just say his

Speaker 1 track record

Speaker 1 on the Klan, you know, to be just not even commenting on it and being, do you know if I was doing stand-up and people in the Klan started showing up

Speaker 1 you I would be looking what the fuck am I saying that's making these people be like oh yeah

Speaker 1 this guy approves of what we do

Speaker 1 at the very least I'd be like hey not for nothing you guys over there with the hoods on I fucking you know I'm not down with you guys I fucking can't see you're morons you're fucking morons and he never does it never does it

Speaker 1 you know

Speaker 1 and I think he was just trying to make a joke with the cops about the whole don't push their heads, but just all the shit that you've seen that that all that police brutality that's been going on to make that fucking joke the guy

Speaker 1 It's unbelievable and now I'm hearing like

Speaker 1 This is what I'm not even a name fucking names, but like all these you know, it's like fucking

Speaker 1 Taylor Swift now is gonna run for Senate people. We can't go down this fucking road at the very least.
Can we at least stick with

Speaker 1 career fucking politicians? Can we at least do that? Can we, you know?

Speaker 1 Would you want, like, you want me to be your fucking accountant? You want a comedian to be an accountant? Why would you want an actor or a musician

Speaker 1 or fucking God knows what else?

Speaker 1 I just, I don't know. I don't even know what the fuck we're doing now.
I just, I don't even know what the fuck we're doing.

Speaker 1 So, um,

Speaker 1 anyways, that happened. And, you know, fortunately, it wasn't a big rally.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 The Nazis are still a little mom-and-pop fucking group, which, you know, that's about the only good thing that I took away from it. But

Speaker 1 I don't know. You know what's fucked up about the whole thing, though? As I said, I wasn't going to talk about it.

Speaker 1 Is when people started texting me, like, dude, you watching this shit. So I go online.

Speaker 1 You know, to watch a video of the rally and all the bullshit to see what's going on.

Speaker 1 And I go on and when I click on it, I immediately see Bobby Flay and and he's selling me something from Lipton Iced Tea

Speaker 1 so what's so fucked up

Speaker 1 is

Speaker 1 and I think it was actually I was actually on the Huffington Post and I fucking hate those guys

Speaker 1 you know and they're all liberal as hell can you fucking believe it's the blood it's like dude you're making money off of it you're making money off of it so

Speaker 1 there's something you would think on just something like this is so reprehensible we shouldn't even put a fucking ad in in front of it. Other than that, I understand you got to make your money.

Speaker 1 I have advertising on my fucking podcast. But there was just something fucked up, like, this is the most horrible, blah, blah, blah, whatever the fuck they have as a headline.

Speaker 1 And then you click it on, and there's this fucking Bobby Flay selling me fucking iced tea.

Speaker 1 But, you know, that's how the game's played, I guess. Anyway, so let's get the fuck out of that.
All right?

Speaker 1 Boo Nazis.

Speaker 1 Boo Donald Trump being a fucking pussy. That guy's such a fucking pussy.
I'm so sick of him and that fucking guy from North Korea acting like they're tough guys.

Speaker 1 Acting like they're tough. You know what I mean? You know what?

Speaker 1 They should fight the fucking undercard on McGregor Mayweather. All right? Why don't you guys settle your fucking beef?

Speaker 1 I'd love to see the two of them put on fucking

Speaker 1 the whole fucking get up, the boxing shorts, the mouth guard, the gloves, the boots, and go out there and you just really see what a couple of pansies.

Speaker 1 You know, that fatty

Speaker 1 Donald Trump with his fucking wig flopping around.

Speaker 1 It'd probably be one of the fun, it'd be funnier than all the stand-up specials that came out this year combined. It would have been tremendous.

Speaker 1 Like, that's the way, I think that that's the way they should solve world problems. Although, you know, what's his face is like a black belt and judo.

Speaker 1 Vladimir Putin.

Speaker 1 That fucking, that dude looks like a bad guy in like the, you know, those spy movies, right? All right. I'm in over my head.
Why do I try to talk politics?

Speaker 1 Because that's what everybody's fucking talking about and asking me about, I guess. But how about those Red Sox taking two out of three

Speaker 1 from the New York Yankees? I had $100 on each game. You know, I got 50 with Verzee and 50 with my agent, right? They're both Yankee fans.

Speaker 1 So, you know, we fucking blew that first one, our middle reliever.

Speaker 1 I don't know what happened to him.

Speaker 1 By the way, did you see that guy in the Mets who swung his leg around, made that weird pitching motion, and he fucking slammed his balls between his thighs?

Speaker 1 And then after that his fucking pitching hand went numb figure that one out figure that one out

Speaker 1 why the fuck are guys wired like that why if you get you could how how the design fall of men

Speaker 1 that you could throw an object and somehow basically kick yourself in the balls and then your throwing hand goes numb

Speaker 1 it's unreal you know what it is the men are like the death star right

Speaker 1 we got that one little shaft all you do is you just fucking throw something down and then the whole fucking thing blows up, and that would be our nuts, you know.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the women one is.

Speaker 1 Women, you just tell them they look older, and then that's it. The whole fucking planet explodes.

Speaker 1 Ah, shit.

Speaker 1 Anyways.

Speaker 1 I've been so I remember what I was going to talk about. I've been having like the worst technology fucking weekend here.

Speaker 1 I'm about to buy my second cell phone charger of the weekend. I brought one.
I left it at the theater.

Speaker 1 And then the next day I woke up and I bought one.

Speaker 1 I bought one

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 drove from fucking,

Speaker 1 where the hell was I? Red Bank, New Jersey, up to Tarrytown, New York. And then I don't know what happened.
I don't know where the wire went, but I fucking lost that one.

Speaker 1 So now I got to go buy a fucking other one. It's just.

Speaker 1 I don't know. My phone, my fucking computer just keeps cutting out.

Speaker 1 I guess now that I hit the escape button, I'm fine. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm just not meant to live in this fucking era of all of this shit. I need to go back to when there was just like rotary phones.

Speaker 1 Which was impossible to lose because you wouldn't take it with you. It was just in your house.

Speaker 1 The only way you lost it is if there was a fucking sinkhole under your house and you lost all your house, so there was a fire in your house,

Speaker 1 you know, or somebody came to murder you with the black gloves and they would fucking cut the phone wire.

Speaker 1 Then you lost your phone and you lost your life, but you say you didn't care, right?

Speaker 1 What I'm trying to say was it was a simpler time.

Speaker 1 But I gotta tell you, dude, I'm fucking sold on the Jersey Shore, by the way. All these years, all these years of Paul Versee.
Great Paul Versey, he fucking crushed his special last night.

Speaker 1 He's been shitting on New Jersey.

Speaker 1 I fucking finally understand why I go, dude, I don't know what your deal is with this fucking state.

Speaker 1 I don't know why you think, you know, there's more animals that live here than New York. There are.
I'll give them that. It's a little dirtier animal in New Jersey, but they're the underdogs.

Speaker 1 So I was going around Terrytown and I was just taking pictures of people.

Speaker 1 All the fucking animals that are up here. What it is about this part of this neck of the woods, like fucking Westchester,

Speaker 1 is it's so fucking beautiful up here.

Speaker 1 It cleans up the animal.

Speaker 1 You don't see it, but if you really, if you fucking block out the trees and the beautiful houses and buildings behind these people and you really look at them, you know, it's a bunch of animals.

Speaker 1 I went into Tarrytown and there was a bunch of people like out of all the all the new rage now. Have you seen like those

Speaker 1 motorcycles, but they're really small? We used to call them mini-bikes, but they look like, it's like somebody took a ninja and they just made it smaller. Like this whole group of them

Speaker 1 was riding through like a motorcycle gang. I don't know if they were mocking motorcycle gangs.
I have no idea.

Speaker 1 I don't know if they were more likely to beat the shit out of you because they're insecure about the size of their motorcycles. I don't get how it fucking works.

Speaker 1 But there was like 40 of them

Speaker 1 all riding through town and I was laughing my ass off.

Speaker 1 Going, here I am. Here I am in fucking, you know, if I'm not in Westchester, I'm always in Westchester.

Speaker 1 Look at these fucking animals.

Speaker 1 And I already learned up here, there's already this, there's always this snooty thing

Speaker 1 in all of fucking real estate. You know, are you above the boulevard? Are you below the boulevard? Are you on the flatlands? Are you in the hills?

Speaker 1 Are you on this side of the tracks or that side of the tracks? This side of the river, other side of the bridge.

Speaker 1 Up here, I already found out that there's a snooty if you live on the other side of the Tappanzee Bridge. Or the Tapanzi Bridge, as my fucking

Speaker 1 Google Map lady was saying when I was driving up there. Make a right to go on to exit 1c for a tapanze bridge.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you're less than. You live on the other side of the river.
Stuff is cheaper over there. It's more expensive to live here.
Therefore, you are less than me. You are less than.

Speaker 1 God likes you less. God loves everyone, but he loves you less because you live on the other side.

Speaker 1 Of the fucking river. I actually cornered this woman last night who was in real estate,

Speaker 1 She's up at the bar, right? And I'm going up there to go get a couple of rounds of drinks or whatever for people, you know, because I'm a hell of a guy.

Speaker 1 And she's like, ah, you know, Furzy Special. Yeah, I said, that's great.
You know, I do the typical comments. What do you do? She goes, I'm in real estate.
I said, wonderful.

Speaker 1 I got some questions for you. And I fucking grilled her.
Ba ba ba ba ba.

Speaker 1 Went law and order on her.

Speaker 1 And I fucking was breaking it down to find out what's the deal with all of of these luxury apartment buildings. They're going up like fucking

Speaker 1 like luxury apartment buildings. That's how many luxury apartment buildings they're building in New York and Los Angeles.
The only reference is what they are.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, what is what's the deal with these fucking luxury apartments?

Speaker 1 Who is building them? Why are they building them?

Speaker 1 What kind of a fucking moron pays rent in a luxury apartment when they could actually just go buy something and live in it that was less than the luxury apartment, but at least they would own that.

Speaker 1 Who makes that dumb decision?

Speaker 1 First of all, who's paying for these? And she said, it's a lot of foreign money.

Speaker 1 China, Russian, Middle East money, right? Then I go, all right, and then who the fuck's living in them? And she said, she basically said,

Speaker 1 when I said, who's dumb enough to throw money in the toilet like that?

Speaker 1 She said about 15% of the population.

Speaker 1 I go, all right, so you're banking on, I go, how do you put your head on the pillow every night? She goes, this isn't my passion. I go, but you're selling them.
How do you do that?

Speaker 1 How do you fucking go, all right,

Speaker 1 come on, lower 15% dummies? Please walk into my office today. Long story short, I go, when does it burst? Well, she goes, well, you know,

Speaker 1 people seem to keep building them. They keep filling them.
When does it burst? Well, you know, but when does it burst? She goes, two years. Dead serious.
She goes, two years.

Speaker 1 Two years, it's going to be fucking over. So here's what what you do.
I go you sit on your fucking money.

Speaker 1 All right. If you need to buy something now, because the fucking, this is me.
I'm like that fucking bald guy who screams about taxes. I mean, the stocks.
I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 But from that little fucking conversation that I had about 3.30 in the morning as we were closing down this fucking bar

Speaker 1 Celebrating Paul Versey crushing his special

Speaker 1 I'm telling you right now, just sit on your fucking money.

Speaker 1 Like, oh, I don't know. What the fuck did I say initially? I guess I said, yeah, if you're getting killed in taxes and you got to buy something now,

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 don't rent

Speaker 1 a fucking luxury apartment.

Speaker 1 This has got to be the dumbest fucking thing you could ever do.

Speaker 1 Look at the luxury of this. Oh, look at all this luxury that I'm paying for that I don't fucking own.

Speaker 1 Just hang in there. In two years, you'll be able to buy the fucking building.

Speaker 1 Of course you won't, because it'll still cost millions of dollars. But you know what I'm saying? Don't be a fucking sap.

Speaker 1 All right? All those buildings are doing is killing everybody's fucking view. You know?

Speaker 1 They're all going to be fucking empty within two years. I'm calling it right.
They're all going to be, people are going to be jumping out of those fucking things in two years. We're taking callers.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't fucking know.
All I know is I haven't been home in too many days. I missed my daughter and my wife, and I can't wait to get back.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's it I got a nice 10 days off but dude I had the best fucking time

Speaker 1 down on the Jersey shore the fucking food was amazing I went down to this place juniors I don't even know where I was at all right like it was pretty cool I had a different opener every night Versey opened the first night fucking killed it I went to bed like a goddamn angel like a fucking angel all right I'm already white as a fucking angel you know at least a ghost

Speaker 1 went right home went to sleep woke up the next day worked out fucking crushed it right? Next day,

Speaker 1 I had fucking Brett Ernst came up, who absolutely fucking murdered, who you have to go see. I hadn't seen him in years.
It's weird.

Speaker 1 I always see him down in the comedy store, but he either just went up or I'm going up or what I'm going up and he's going up in the other room. I just hadn't seen him in a few years.

Speaker 1 That dude, grown by leaps and bounds, absolute fucking monster, destroyed. He had me pacing a little bit.

Speaker 1 Before I was going up, but oh fuck, Brett's killing. Brett's killing.
Shit. What am I opening with, right?

Speaker 1 And then later on that night, he took me down to wherever the fuck he was. Took me down to this place, Juniors,

Speaker 1 someplace on the Jersey shore, and we got a tomato pie, which I had never heard of, which is basically like a South Jersey Philly thing, where according to them, they put the cheese on first, then the tomato sauce.

Speaker 1 But the one that I had looked more like a swirl. It looked like tomato cheese, tomato cheese, like a big fucking

Speaker 1 circular thing. Like when your fucking computer's refreshing.
That little pinwheel thing, that's what it looked like. Fucking, it might have been

Speaker 1 one of the top five pizzas, slices of pizzas I've ever had in a while. Okay, and I'm going to tell you why, because I live in Los Angeles and all the pizza out there sucks.

Speaker 1 Even the stuff that they say is good.

Speaker 1 You know, it all fucking sucks. Every fucking last place in LA absolutely fucking sucks.

Speaker 1 I don't know why. You just, anything that involves dough sucks.
The bread sucks, the pizza sucks. Bagels suck.
All of that sucks. However, you know, other than that, they got a tremendous fuck.

Speaker 1 Pasta sucks.

Speaker 1 But, you know, amazing steakhouses, burgers, Thai food, Mexican food. That's what you do out in L.A.
But you do not get pizza. You don't get bread.
You don't do any of that shit.

Speaker 1 And I was coming from that, eating that shit to going to this. It was fucking unbelievable.
That and the fucking mussels.

Speaker 1 And the bread, but the fucking sauce. It was unbelievable.
It's like an asshole. I'm eating this shit at like fucking two in the morning

Speaker 1 and then I kept going to this place Elsie's in Red Bank

Speaker 1 to get a sandwich and just I would pay for just the bread alone by the way I went with the turkey with the cranberry sauce over there fucking delicious and I made the mistake of getting a large by the way which was the size of my fucking leg so the next day I went back and I got the Italian, which was amazing, but I still like the turkey a little bit better.

Speaker 1 So I was eating, as my stomach growls growls here i was been eating like a fucking king out here

Speaker 1 and um

Speaker 1 i don't know i i kind of fell in love with the jersey shore always wanted to see asbury park went down there checked that out went into the uh

Speaker 1 i don't know all this every place down there is like bruce springsteen or john bon jovi played here

Speaker 1 Now I know the place is not called the fucking stone pony.

Speaker 1 That's a fucking bar I used to drink in in the fucking village that is no longer there. That was my fucking spot.
I didn't even used to drink in there.

Speaker 1 Back when I had my drinking under control, and I was hanging out with all the comics I hung out with back then didn't drink.

Speaker 1 And we go in there and we used to play fucking video games and shoot pool and just give each other shit. Like we always did for like four or five till four or five in the fucking morning.

Speaker 1 Whatever that fucking pony place is called. I know it's sacrilegious, though, you jerk.
I gotta look. I gotta look, you know why?

Speaker 1 I'll get the name of it right now, because I bought my daughter a onesie from that place.

Speaker 1 Which I think she'll only be able to wear for one week. Because

Speaker 1 it looks like it's the size that she is now. Which, of course, my wife had to say.

Speaker 1 Oh, it is the Stone Pony. Oh, wait, the Stone Crow is the bar I used to hang out at.
All right, so I was saying it right.

Speaker 1 I sent a picture of the onesie to my wife, and she immediately goes, like, what size is that? Because she's currently wearing, you know,

Speaker 1 this month to this month. It's just like, yeah, Jesus, can you just, you know,

Speaker 1 Can I do one fucking thing right over here? Just fucking one thing. Can I do that?

Speaker 1 So last night I hung out till four in the morning, but I only had a couple of fucking drinks because I kind of realized

Speaker 1 I'm not an alcoholic. I'm like an undiagnosed an undiagnosed strain of alcoholics.

Speaker 1 You know, where I'm the classic alcoholic where I can't just have one. Like, I'm doing it.
I'm fucking doing it.

Speaker 1 That's it. All right.
But the next day I can just be like, like, all right, well, now, you know, now I'm not drinking. And I walk around like, I need it, man.
I fucking need it.

Speaker 1 I don't wake up like missing a tooth and all of that fucking shit. Like,

Speaker 1 but,

Speaker 1 you know, I had way too many that night when I went down to Juniors and had that great food and everything.

Speaker 1 And I also noticed, too, I was throwing them back like fucking water.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's just not a good thing. I'm just sick of being fucking hungover.
So, you know, last night I only had a couple.

Speaker 1 I'm kind of, I think I'm done.

Speaker 1 I'm just done with it. I like waking up not fucking hungover.
I like getting up, going to the fucking gym. I like doing that shit.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying I'm done for fucking good, but I'm just kind of just, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm done.

Speaker 1 I had a hell of a run. All right, started at fucking 17,

Speaker 1 Drank until about, I don't know, 22.

Speaker 1 And then I went like a 10-year period where I didn't drink. I barely drank.

Speaker 1 Barely fucking drank.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 a guy named Joe DeRosa came into my life.

Speaker 1 It's not fair for me to put it on him.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 But let's just say we were not good for each other.

Speaker 1 And that was probably 2004. So I'm talking like a nice third, I've gone on like a 13-year

Speaker 1 sort of, although I took a year off one time from 2010 to 2011, a year. I went a year and two days without drinking.
I've gone a couple stretches of 75 days, 50-something days here or there, whatever.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 yeah, I mean, I'm always, you know, if you get a nice bottle of fucking wine, that's a good meal.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'll have a glass, but I just don't feel like, but then it's like, well, I'm going to finish the fucking bottle.

Speaker 1 I mean, what are we doing here, right?

Speaker 1 So, I don't know. I don't feel like I'm mature enough at this point in my life to

Speaker 1 handle shit like that. And I'm at the point, too, where I don't think I even enjoy it anymore.
So for the 90th time on this fucking podcast, I'm going to try to stop drinking.

Speaker 1 Social. I was a social drinker.

Speaker 1 I think I want to go to AA just because I like crowds, you know, just go up there and fucking make them laugh and shit.

Speaker 1 Anyways, what am I talking about here? How many minutes in here? We're 27 minutes in here, and I gotta vacate this fucking

Speaker 1 hotel room. I'm staying at this stupid-ass fucking,

Speaker 1 you know, fancy fucking, what is it, the Sheridan, right? People are saying, you gotta stay at the fucking Sheridan.

Speaker 1 These cunts, I swear to God, you order the internet at 12.01, it goes off, and you gotta buy it again.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, maybe it's free. All I had was an access code.
You know, I take that back. They're not fucking fucking cunts.
All right, let's read a little bit of

Speaker 1 Aaron. Oh, by the way, the other thing, too, you know what I don't like about Trump supporters is when they compartmentalize that racist shit.

Speaker 1 When they go like, you know, hey, that stuff where he doesn't condone, you know, he doesn't

Speaker 1 chastise the Klansmen that neo-Nazis that like him. I don't like that.
I don't like that part.

Speaker 1 But I'll tell you, I think the way way he's handling Ben Hillary, you know, well, I can't fucking stand either, but at some point, you know what I mean? It's like if you had a friend, right?

Speaker 1 He's a good friend of yours, but he was also in the Klan.

Speaker 1 Dude, he's such a great host. You have him over, you know, he fucking, he's really polite, but he drops the N-word.
I mean, at some point, don't you have to have some sort of a standard?

Speaker 1 You can't tell me that there's not a better Republican out there. All right?

Speaker 1 Please tell me. Please tell me there's somebody better than this guy.
All right. Oh, here we go.
Oh, it's old Zip.

Speaker 1 All right. Hey, you know what I watched the other day that I really enjoyed? Was I watched this whole thing on John Daly?

Speaker 1 That guy has to be one of the most honest human beings.

Speaker 1 One of the most honest human beings ever.

Speaker 1 You know, it's kind of hard watching the guy what he does does to himself,

Speaker 1 but like

Speaker 1 I swear to God, like,

Speaker 1 remember in Scarface when that guy goes, I like you, Tony, there's no lying in you. You know,

Speaker 1 there's lying in everybody. But John Daly, I think he keep, if they should recast, they should fucking green screen him in there.

Speaker 1 You know, can somebody Photoshop that and somebody just says, I like you, John Daly. There's no lying in you.

Speaker 1 They'd just be like, you know, how much at the height are you drinking when you're drinking a day? He goes, I drink like a case of beer, some days up to maybe 35, 40. And they go, 35, 40?

Speaker 1 He's like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then they go, and then what? He goes, you know, I probably switched to whiskey. And then he just started laughing.

Speaker 1 Like, just being like, I know, it's fucked up.

Speaker 1 He talked about how he played his best golf when he was a little drunk. He goes, you know, the balls, you know, you just hit the ball better.
You know, you're looser, the body relaxes.

Speaker 1 And I really wish I watched golf more when he was playing.

Speaker 1 Because he didn't take all that fucking time when he went up to address the ball. He just went up and he just fucking hit the thing.

Speaker 1 Crushed it.

Speaker 1 Like, seriously, watching that guy swing is one of the most

Speaker 1 incredible things I've ever seen in my life. I actually saw some fucking idiot did that thing where he put the tea in his mouth with the ball and he let John Daly do a John Daly swing.

Speaker 1 Anyway, Daly didn't fuck up, thank God. But I got to tell you something.

Speaker 1 If you ever took that to this, he would have killed him.

Speaker 1 He literally would have killed that guy. He would have gone to jail, you know, with that guy from the fucking New Jersey Nets, right? Shot that limo driver, and you would be in that row.

Speaker 1 They have a row of cells of athletes who accidentally killed somebody. He would have been right there, you know.

Speaker 1 What did you do? I shot my limo drive. What did you do? Ah, you know, I tried to hit a golf ball out of this guy's mouth, and

Speaker 1 I missed, and I hit his head. How far do you think John Daly could have hit a human head? That was still attached to a body.
So he has to rip it off the body.

Speaker 1 I could say he could hit it at least 17 feet. That's the level of torque and power in that man's swing.
So check out John Daly videos if you get a chance at work.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. It's so fucking like, it's an overly used expression, but refreshing when you watch the guy.
He's not trying to hide anything. He's just like, ah, no, that's the way I used used to do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, one time there was a rain delay, and, you know, just went in there, and me and the other two golfers, you know, we just got hammered. Just got absolutely hammered.

Speaker 1 And then the next day, we came out in the same clothes, hung over, and we actually all played great.

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Speaker 1 That's simply safebird.com to get your $100 off simplysafebird.com. Do you remember in the panic room

Speaker 1 when she had to go out of the panic room and she went back in and then she went to go back in? There was like some issue where maybe she would have caught her fucking arm in the door.

Speaker 1 And I was just thinking what if she fucking did and it closed and then she had to make the decision do I reopen the door expose my kid to the bad guy or do I just sit here while my arm slowly just fucking dies and then then I'll die in here you know

Speaker 1 see this is why I don't write movie scripts because that would fucking happen and everybody like oh my god it was terrible then she fucking died and the kid saw it and then he couldn't figure out the code and then everybody died.

Speaker 1 All right? It was a double feature. After that, we showed the local news.

Speaker 1 White people, it says, oh, God, we're going to get into the race shit. Are we really going to get into the race shit here? Okay, white people.
Oh, Billy Ambassador.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you addressed the current events at the top of this podcast. I skipped over most of it, as you may have heard.
I just sort of trashed Trump for not having the fucking humanity

Speaker 1 to trash

Speaker 1 some of the dumbest people on the planet, you know,

Speaker 1 and actually blaming the people that they attack.

Speaker 1 Also, I just don't fucking get it. He goes, I'm pretty moderate and have the same Ron Paul ideas about government as you seem to have.
Sorry about the general agents, trying to keep it tight.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, I don't even know what the fuck I believe anymore. He said, I watched my Facebook feed all day denounce white people.
All right, first of all, why would you go on a Facebook feed?

Speaker 1 Are you trying to depress yourself? Are you trying to make yourself upset? Why would you go on there? What did you do next?

Speaker 1 Did you go on Twitter and look up hashtag white people so you could infuriate yourself more and get an even more

Speaker 1 like delusional view of what the population is like?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I mean, if you watched all that shit about the Klansmen, you'd think that every white person was in the Klan. I mean, it's just,

Speaker 1 I don't know. Anyways, plowing ahead here.

Speaker 1 He says, I look white, but I'm first-generation American with my parents coming from Italy.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, you're Italian.
Okay, I get it. All right.
My policy on making general statements about entire races is I don't. In stereotypes,

Speaker 1 sure, white people love things like jarred jams, but in criticism, I never say white people or black people. Because if history has taught us anything, it's the dumbest thing you, period.

Speaker 1 I think you meant to say the dumbest thing you can do. He goes, I'm tired of it.
All day, white people, this, white people, that. I voted for Barack the first time.

Speaker 1 I hate Nazis, and it's fucking pathetic that I have to say that out loud. I think Trump is a cunt.
I hated Hillary. I don't wish for the South to rise again.
I'm not offended as a white person.

Speaker 1 I'm just tired of the laziness of it. Am I way off here?

Speaker 1 Look, I know what you're saying, but dude, it's like, is this the worst thing you have to deal with? You got to expect people in a highly emotional state,

Speaker 1 all right,

Speaker 1 such as this,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 when you're in a highly emotional state, you're going to say stuff in a way that you wouldn't if you were a little more relaxed.

Speaker 1 And then, secondly, if you're going to fucking go on a Facebook feed and get upset, I don't have any sympathy for you. Like,

Speaker 1 it's,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 it's a Facebook feed.

Speaker 1 There's no,

Speaker 1 the qualifications to comment on Facebook is you have to be smart enough to sign up for Facebook. That's it.
So that's what you, it's not a think tank. It's not a TED talk,

Speaker 1 which even those things I'm starting to think are just a fucking bunch of snake oil salesmen.

Speaker 1 Everybody acting like something fucking amazing is happening, you know, because somebody's up there with a laser pointer talking about the future.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, all right, I understand what you're saying. Like, I'm not gonna lie to you, there are times where I'll see like these people being applauded for shit that they're saying.

Speaker 1 And when I'm listening to what I'm saying, it's like, if you took out white people there and then you inserted black people like that and that person was white, they would be in trouble. However,

Speaker 1 however, you do have to take it with a grain of fucking salt because of the great fucking life that you have. All right.
And

Speaker 1 I don't know. I think you should maybe try.
I would try to listen more to what the overall point is rather than wasting time being offended.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm a white guy, my fucking life is great, you know?

Speaker 1 I can pretty much go wherever the fuck I want to go. I go down to the mall, I buy a t-shirt, nobody fucks with me, right?

Speaker 1 I'm not saying it's easy, but I mean, compared to what other people, compared to what other people fucking have, like, this is the best, you know, this is the inside lane,

Speaker 1 you know?

Speaker 1 I could fucking look the other way, but there's definitely days, I'll say this, there's definitely days that, you know, non-white people say some shit, or like, you know, women will say stuff about men, being like, that's is so fucking overtly fucking sexist.

Speaker 1 And not only are you not being called out on it, you're being applauded for it, like you're brave. And what you're saying is just as fucking ignorant as what the fuck you're doing.

Speaker 1 However, at the end of it, you kind of got to be like, well,

Speaker 1 because of what's happening, they're so fucking pissed. Like, I give it a little bit.
Like, I just give it a little, depending on my mood,

Speaker 1 I do that. But,

Speaker 1 all right, you know what the honest thing is? Is if I'm sitting there and the person who isn't white says it, I'll get into a debate with them.

Speaker 1 All right, but if I'm with all white people and they're complaining about it, I'll tell them to shut the fuck up. I think I'm just a contrarian.
It all depends.

Speaker 1 I don't fucking know, but all I know is after watching all that fucking horrible shit,

Speaker 1 I just think, you know,

Speaker 1 there's a certain level of empathy that you should try to tap into. Try to put yourself in other people's positions a little bit more.

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I don't know I guess to try to compensate

Speaker 1 for the astounding level of fucking ignorance that's out there I guess you got to try to make yourself an even better person or somehow I don't know I don't know what to tell you because I'll be honest with you is when all people go hey I'm not in a fucking

Speaker 1 I'm not in the Klan I'm not a Nazi guy I'm not I don't belong to a hate group Blah, blah, blah and all that shit. Everybody has their fucking issues.

Speaker 1 And when you're a comedian, it's like running for office. It's like you're on this campaign that never fucking stops.
And you're meeting people. Like, I was just in Red Bank, New Jersey.

Speaker 1 Now I'm in Tarrytown. Now I'm going to go to fucking LA.
You know, the end of the month, I'm going to be in Boston and New Hampshire. Then I'm going to be in Mississippi and Alabama.

Speaker 1 Am I really promoting my upcoming dates talking about racism? Look at me. Next thing, I should have Bobby Flay reading this.

Speaker 1 But the point is, I'm going to meet all these fucking people.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I don't know I gotta be honest with you everywhere I go no matter where I'm at

Speaker 1 when I'm in a room and it's just all

Speaker 1 white guys of a certain age my generation and older you can literally take a fucking I swear to God like one of those sands of time timers and just go, okay, when is the N-word coming?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to remember.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to remember the last time that, you know, it doesn't happen every time, but I go in there and I literally start having anxiety, going, oh, God.

Speaker 1 You know, I look around, and what I'm doing is I'm judging too. And I'm like, when's it coming? Someone's going to fucking say it, or someone's going to say something, a little borderline.

Speaker 1 And it's depressing. Like, I was hanging

Speaker 1 recently on a rogue gig, and it was all white dudes in there. And

Speaker 1 Mayweather accused McGregor of saying something racist.

Speaker 1 And McGregor's going, you know, I didn't fucking say anything racist, but blah, blah, blah, blah, and all this type of shit, right?

Speaker 1 And then this random white guy is watching it. He goes, Yeah,

Speaker 1 what's a big deal? He's like, this guy's an N-word, and that guy's whitey. I mean, it's a fight.
Who gives a fuck what you say? And I'm just thinking in my head, like,

Speaker 1 dude, they're not saying he said that.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 but that is like,

Speaker 1 that's how his fucking brain processes that information.

Speaker 1 And it's, it's,

Speaker 1 it's, I don't know, it's, it's so fun. It's depressing.

Speaker 1 Because you know what it is? Everybody thinks they're smart. And everybody thinks they have it figured out.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Think about when is the last time your brain, I mean, sometimes your conscience gets to you, but does your brain really ever say,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 I mean, it takes a lot to fucking admit that you're wrong. Regardless of color, sex, or anything, to be like, you know what? I shouldn't have done that.
I was wrong.

Speaker 1 You know, I now realize how fucking ignorant.

Speaker 1 And to truly mean it, not to just get on the good side of your wife again, so she'll bang you, right? To truly fucking sincerely mean it and then try to make a change. It takes a fucking lot.

Speaker 1 And for anybody.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 1 I don't know. So I've gone through things like, you know, if somebody does says that, what what do I do? Do I fucking confront them?

Speaker 1 Do I get into the fucking debate? I've tried every fucking technique. Do I get up and walk out? Every fucking technique.
Nothing works. Nothing fucking works.

Speaker 1 And it's depressing. So I try to avoid that social situation.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's what I'll do in the future.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's what I'll do in the future.

Speaker 1 Anyways,

Speaker 1 that was like a time where the, I don't even remember where the fuck I was when I was in I was in Durham, North Carolina, and that fucking guy goes, you know, Bill, I like you.

Speaker 1 You know, you're a good person, you know?

Speaker 1 You know, Bill, he goes, I like meeting good people. Then I was like, oh, God, here it comes.
I like meeting good people. He's testing the waters.
He's sticking his toe in,

Speaker 1 you know.

Speaker 1 Christian, good Christian people, white people, and then boom, the fucking N-word comes.

Speaker 1 So that guy headed off at the pass. He said, you know,

Speaker 1 I like meeting good people. I was just like, oh, yeah, do you? You know, I like meeting bad people.
Who the fuck doesn't like meeting good people? And then he shut up. Then he shut up.

Speaker 1 And then he got really mad at me,

Speaker 1 you know, when I was talking about, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know, like the Middle East or something like that. And I was just going like, dude, you know, they're like us.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They got a couple of crazy fucking leaders and then everybody else, there's a bunch of you and me walking around there trying to get a sandwich. you know.

Speaker 1 You and I were trying to get the fucking the NBA package, and they're trying to get whatever fucking sport. What sport are they into over there? Soccer, right? Everybody's into the fucking soccer.

Speaker 1 Anyways, so yeah, I don't know. I understand, you know, but

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't, I don't,

Speaker 1 I don't have any fucking answers. I don't fucking know.
All right, younger girlfriend not ready for marriage.

Speaker 1 Okay, hi, Bill. I'm a big fan of yours and would like your advice.
I'm a 35 year old guy from the Bronx dating a 20 year old Japanese girl in Japan.

Speaker 1 I love her a lot and want to marry her but she tells me she's not ready for marriage and children yet and can't really say if or when she'll be ready. Yeah, it's because she's 20.

Speaker 1 He goes, I love her, but getting married and having children is very important to me. If I were younger, I would say, okay, no problem, and just keep dating and see if anything changes.

Speaker 1 But at 35, I'm starting to feel pressure to get married sooner rather than later. Not societal pressure, but I worry that I'm getting too old to be a father.
Well, I just had one at 48, so

Speaker 1 Alec Baldwin's fucking knocking him out in his 50s. He said, I'm okay right now, but in five or ten years, I feel I might not have enough energy to run around chasing little ones.

Speaker 1 And if she's still not ready in a few years, that would put me in a very difficult position. You're thinking smart, sir.

Speaker 1 I'm happier than I've ever been with her, and happiness can be so fleeting that I don't want to ruin it with what I have with her, but at the same time, I can't wait forever. What would I do?

Speaker 1 I would listen to

Speaker 1 logic.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 I really think, you know,

Speaker 1 most of the time, you know, if who's dragging their feet to the altar, it's usually the guy. Okay, not the woman.
Why would would they?

Speaker 1 For the most part, generally speaking, they're marrying somebody that makes more money than them. So there's no fear financially if you fucking, you know, they're not going to lose half the house.

Speaker 1 They're going to get the whole house and they're going to get a fucking check from you. That's basically what the fuck happens.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like the showcase showdown at the end of the price is right. And you're the guy that they go, hey, thanks for playing.

Speaker 1 And you just walk off and then everybody crowds around the person that won. That's usually the woman in marriage.
Okay?

Speaker 1 And I don't hear any shit from women because all you guys do is bitch that you don't make as much money as men.

Speaker 1 So, what I'm saying, because if you're just going to say that's not the fucking case, then what are you bitching about fucking equal pay for? All right, either you're making less or you're not.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 for you to sit there being saying, I love you, I want to spend my life with you and fucking have children with you and start a family and live happily ever after, for her to say,

Speaker 1 I'm not ready for that yet, and I can't really say if or when I will be ready. Yeah, dude.
She's 20 years old. She has no idea who the fuck she is.

Speaker 1 You're fucking 15 years down the road. You know who you are.
You know what you want. And I don't think she's going to figure that out with you.

Speaker 1 You know? You're taking her best years away from her where she should be out fucking seeing, figuring out what the fuck she wants. And your best years

Speaker 1 of, because now you're ready. So you need to go out and meet a fucking mature woman.
Who's it? Not mature. I'm not saying this woman's immature.
She's not not immature. She's fucking 20.

Speaker 1 All right? This is what happens. This is what happens when there's that level of an age difference at this age, okay? Look, if you were 45 and she was 35, she'd be fucking, you know, pressuring you.

Speaker 1 I don't know, dude. I would just hate for her at 23 to be like, you know what?

Speaker 1 I don't, this isn't like what I want. And now you're 38, you're pushing 40, you don't want that.

Speaker 1 I think I would

Speaker 1 pull the rip cord now.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 That's what I would do. I don't fucking know.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's hard for me to tell you to fucking break up with somebody over a paragraph of information on a podcast as I sit in a bed in a hotel room, isn't it?

Speaker 1 So take all of that with a grain of salt. All right? You know what I would do, sir? I would ask your good friends.
Ask your good friends what the fuck they think because they know you.

Speaker 1 And they'll actually have to have a nice long fucking distance phone call with you. I guess you're in Japan right now.
I would do that, you know? Or maybe you got some friends in Japan.

Speaker 1 I don't fucking know. That's a big decision, but just from that little information, yeah, I get out of it.

Speaker 1 You know? And I'm also saying, don't do that because I don't fucking know you. All right.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, Bill. Could you waffle anymore down that one? All right.
I dumped my girlfriend and now I regret it.

Speaker 1 Is this the follow-up song to I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It?

Speaker 1 Hi, Bill. I started watching your podcast.
Watching my podcast. I don't know how you're doing that.
You mean listening to my podcast?

Speaker 1 Oh, this person's not from this country or doesn't speak English anyways. I'm going to read this right the same way this person wrote it.

Speaker 1 I started watching your podcast since few months because the best Romanian stand-up comedians always said that they listen to yours in their podcast. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 Romanian comics listen to this podcast?

Speaker 1 Shout out to Romania, huh?

Speaker 1 Isn't that where all the gypsies come? The Richard Pryors and George Collins are fucking pickpocketers. I gotta tell you, man, they're fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 They're pains in the asses, but Jesus Christ, can those fucking people pick your pocket?

Speaker 1 You almost like when they leave, you can't find your passport. You almost fucking applaud them.
I don't know where you are, but that was good. I had no idea.
God bless you.

Speaker 1 I don't know if they come from Romania, the gypsies, Transylvania. They're gypsies.
They move around. Now about the story.

Speaker 1 Me and this girls,

Speaker 1 we had a complicated. Dude, you got a a threesome? You broke up with two girls? I had a complicated story, and I tried six months to be with her until I finally succeeded.

Speaker 1 So after one year and a half of very nice relationship, he was giving it to her, of course, with ups and downs before I leaved to Germany to study, I decided alone that will be better for her if we split up.

Speaker 1 So I dumped her and said to her that we should remain friends. My decision was because I got scared of her love.

Speaker 1 She would leave all of her dreams and stuff only to come with me and be with me. And

Speaker 1 to hear that at 19 years old is

Speaker 1 scary as shit.

Speaker 1 Now, after nine months, when the moving-out euphoria has vanished, I now know that I made a big mistake and I realized

Speaker 1 how cunt I was to her. I think you mean cunty.

Speaker 1 In the past month, so she moved moved on, but we still kind of talk, but I cannot sleep anymore. I developed a little problem with drinking alone and trying not to feel something.

Speaker 1 A little advice would be nice. Thank you, and all good for you and your family.

Speaker 1 First of all, fucking, you did great with your English. I knew exactly what the fuck you were talking about.
I could never do that.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what you guys, what do you speak over there? Is it called

Speaker 1 Romanian?

Speaker 1 Tapanzi.

Speaker 1 Dude, you're 19. You're going to meet somebody else.
I mean,

Speaker 1 on your way to finding the person

Speaker 1 you're going to be with, you fuck up. Like anything, any success story, you make mistakes and you learn from them along the way.
All right? If you really love her, I mean, this is what you could do.

Speaker 1 Call her up one time and just say, listen. I just want you to know that breaking up with you was the biggest mistake I've ever made.
I've had a problem sleeping.

Speaker 1 I've been drinking, trying to forget. And just tell her why you did it.
And just totally communicate with her and see what she says. All right?

Speaker 1 And, you know, if she doesn't take you back, you can live with that. Okay? At the bottom line, dude, you're fucking 19 years old.
Okay?

Speaker 1 Don't start drinking.

Speaker 1 Don't make the mistakes I made. All right? You're in the prime of your fucking life.
Turn it around. Wake up every morning.
Have some positive thing that you say to yourself.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 As simple as today's going to be a great day.

Speaker 1 Or I fucked up that relationship with so-and-so, but I forgive myself. And I'm going to go out that door and I'm going to be a fucking real life.

Speaker 1 You know, and you're going to attract somebody else to you.

Speaker 1 Go out there, have a good time. And when you meet a woman, right, that you like.

Speaker 1 And just fucking be straight up honest. How you doing? Me? I'm trying to be positive.
Trying to be positive. I went through some shit, and I'm trying to get over it, and I'm trying to be positive.

Speaker 1 What's going on with you? They're cutie pie.

Speaker 1 Start doing that. Don't fucking start drinking and being a sad sack, you know? Drinking again.
Oh, baby, I'm drinking again. All right, that's it.

Speaker 1 But this is a good, this is going to be a good experience for you. You can learn how to fucking open up as a guy, communicate your feelings, and learn how to fucking get closure with the woman.

Speaker 1 that you broke up with or who knows it opens back up who knows right and then also you learn how how to not make self-destruction, you learn how to pick yourself up off the fucking mat.

Speaker 1 Because I'm going to tell you right now, you're 19 years old. If you think this is the first time you're going to get knocked on your ass in life,

Speaker 1 you're sadly mistaken. All right?

Speaker 1 You got to learn how to get back up again. So, this is a great opportunity, no matter what.
All right? So, there you go, grasshopper.

Speaker 1 Take those positive words and go have yourself a great fucking day. All right, how do you make friends after turning 25?

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus Christ, what do you mean? Just, I don't know, buy buy a round of drinks?

Speaker 1 He says, my man, double B, no fun. Dude,

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 old Billy, no fun is complete bullshit. I've been having too much fun.
I have been. All right? And I've been having a problem turning off the fun faucet, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 I'm struggling here. All right, there's always a reason.
There's always a reason. Oh, he just shot his special.
Boom. Oh, we're eating fucking tomato pies.
Bang.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm on a fucking flight. And the guy asked me if I want a drink.
Bazawi. All right, big fan.

Speaker 1 You may have had this question before, but I've moved into a new town and I've learned that I have no guy friends.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm plowing like crazy through these apps, but I miss just going to the bars with the fellas. Okay, so

Speaker 1 I'm an old guy. So you're on these dating apps and you're fucking...
You motherfuckers, man.

Speaker 1 Good lord, how fucking easy is it to get late? Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 He goes, I keep trying to arrange to go out with guys to work, but they all commute in from another town and have girlfriends they need to tend to.

Speaker 1 I find myself going back to my hometown a lot on the weekends to see my buds are laying pipe with miscellaneous chicks where I live now.

Speaker 1 So, my very sad question is: how does a guy make friends? Cheers.

Speaker 1 Oh, you poor baby, you're just out there banging all these chicks. You know what I would do? I'd fucking hang out with them.

Speaker 1 I'd just start hanging out with them. The fuck do you care? You can always find a fucking crew of dopes to go watch a fucking game with.

Speaker 1 You know what I would do? I don't know. You said cheers, so assuming you're fucking somewhere over there in Great Britain.
Or do they say it in Australia, too?

Speaker 1 I don't fucking know. Anyways,

Speaker 1 do you play sports? Go play some pickup hockey. Go play some fucking softball.
Go play pickup soccer, football, whatever the fuck you call it. I would do that.

Speaker 1 I would get involved in some sort of an activity

Speaker 1 sports-related.

Speaker 1 If you're into, like, I don't know, you don't sound like you're into

Speaker 1 Comic-Con shit, considering all the women you seem to be fucking. So, yeah, I would, I would, I don't know,

Speaker 1 I would do something like that.

Speaker 1 Is there an app for that? I have no idea. All right.
What time is it here?

Speaker 1 All right, time for me to wrap this up. My girlfriend doesn't appreciate me.
Aww,

Speaker 1 my girlfriend doesn't appreciate me.

Speaker 1 Hey, Billy Backfat.

Speaker 1 I like that one.

Speaker 1 I'm a 21-year-old guy currently unemployed. Well, why the fuck? Yeah, you're a guy without a job.
That's like being a woman without tits. I mean, what the fuck? I don't know, a vagina.

Speaker 1 Yes, women, that's what we look at you like. I'm sorry.
We are. We're fucking animals.
Blame God. That's how we're wired.

Speaker 1 I'm a 21-year-old guy, currently unemployed, and I live with my girlfriend and we've been together for a year and I'm and I'm

Speaker 1 oh a year and seven months now.

Speaker 1 Recently it seems like she doesn't appreciate me anymore.

Speaker 1 Yesterday when she was at work I made her coffee did the laundry for her bought her some pizza and then picked her up and all I heard that night was how I didn't rinse the dishes enough before putting them in the dishwasher.

Speaker 1 She doesn't act like this

Speaker 1 She doesn't act this way to anyone else, and I feel like I can't do anything right around her. Would love to hear your feedback and go fuck yourself.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 here's the deal.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 1 And you'll never get a woman to admit this. All right? But one of the great things about them having a boyfriend is that he's going to pay for shit.

Speaker 1 He's going to take him out. He's going to buy her stuff.
Right?

Speaker 1 He's going to fucking,

Speaker 1 you know, your job as a man is to provide. Okay, a woman, you know,

Speaker 1 after

Speaker 1 you push her off the dock with your Johnson there, she can make a fucking baby. All right?

Speaker 1 And then immediately just be the greatest fucking mom, and it's fucking magical to watch. What can we do? We pick up heavy shit that they can't pick up, and we go out and we earn a living.

Speaker 1 Now here's the thing as a man, the second you're sitting there and you don't have a fucking job and she does,

Speaker 1 and now she gets to feel what it's like to be a man,

Speaker 1 which is you fucking come home, right?

Speaker 1 You've busted your ass all day. You know, if you're fucking young, you don't have your dream job yet unless you're Justin Bieber or somebody like that or you made it in professional sports.

Speaker 1 Generally speaking, your 20s is the struggle of the dream, hoping it comes true at some point in your fucking 30s.

Speaker 1 So she's coming home and she's seeing you sitting there like a little fucking homemaker.

Speaker 1 And you know, every guy sometimes, you know, when you come home and you look at your, you know, if your wife stays at home or your girlfriend stays at home and you're just looking at, especially if you don't have any kids, it's like, what the fuck did you do all day?

Speaker 1 It's like every day's Saturday for you. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 but at the end of the day, you're like, yeah, but look at her. She's, you know, she's...
She's fucking beautiful. She's banging me.
You know, all that shit that guys think are important.

Speaker 1 But for women, you got to provide, dude. You gotta get a fucking job.
You want your girlfriend to fucking respect you again? You gotta get a fucking job.

Speaker 1 You gotta start bringing home money. That's it.

Speaker 1 That's it. See, what I do is I actually, I bring home money and I do the fucking dishes.
You know? So then whenever my wife gives me shit, I could be like, what?

Speaker 1 What is the problem?

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm like fucking Babe Ruth here. I'm hitting home runs and I'm pitching a no-hitter.
What the fuck else do you want?

Speaker 1 What is the problem?

Speaker 1 See that? You know why I can say that? Because I have a fucking job. You don't have a job, sir.
So no matter what the fuck you do, her problem with you is not that you didn't rinse the shit off.

Speaker 1 It's not that you did this wrong or you were driving too fucking fast. It's the fact that when you guys go out to get a meatball sub, she has to pay for it.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you want to see all their feminism go right out the fucking window? You stay home. You be Mr.
Mum.

Speaker 1 That's what happened here, sir. What happened here, sir, is you stopped being a man to her.

Speaker 1 The second you don't have a job, when you're with the woman, you immediately become like this fucking 20, 25, 30, 35, 40-year-old fucking teenager. They look at you like you're a child.

Speaker 1 That's it. So you need to get a fucking job.

Speaker 1 Ladies, am I wrong? I'm speaking for you here, okay? If you think I'm fucking wrong, just write into the podcast and I'll read your opinions and I'll make fun of myself. All right? Okay.

Speaker 1 I got to get out of this fucking hotel.

Speaker 1 That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves.
I'll check in on you on

Speaker 1 Thursday. And, you know,

Speaker 1 after all that fucking depressing shit I saw in Charlottesville, I'm going to try to be, you know, I'm going to be fucking nice to everybody today. All right?

Speaker 1 I'm going to try to go on a nice little run of being nice to everybody. Go out of my fucking way to not be a cunt.
Okay?

Speaker 1 To be a little more empathetic as I just trashed women and spoke about them in a nice, big, generalized way.

Speaker 1 I'm basically a fucking hypocrite, and for the life of me, I can't understand why you guys listen to me. Go fuck yourselves.
I'll see you Thursday.

Speaker 1 I need all that you can give me.

Speaker 1 All the things

Speaker 1 that you do so well.

Speaker 1 When we're here, sweet fancies and fairy shares.

Speaker 1 Making spells as the shadows come dream. And fall apart from all our yesterdays.

Speaker 1 You're so fine,

Speaker 1 lose my mind.

Speaker 1 And the world seems to disappear.

Speaker 1 All the problems, all the fears.

Speaker 1 And the world seems to disappear.

Speaker 1 You're told by

Speaker 1 lose my mind.

Speaker 1 And the world seems to disappear.

Speaker 1 All the bias,

Speaker 1 all the fears.

Speaker 1 And the world seems to disappear.

Speaker 1 Disappear,

Speaker 1 disappear,

Speaker 1 disappear,

Speaker 1 disappear,

Speaker 1 disappear,

Speaker 1 disappear.