Daddy Daughter Day, War, Sex Scenes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-31-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in, checking in on you oh how's it going man

yeah yeah is it going good that's good that that you know that that you know it's a good thing

you know it's good it's always good one of the things you have to learn as an adult when people say how's it going you just say good how's it going it's going good unless it's a friend of yours and there's fucking margaritas in front of you and you're a lady then all of a sudden it's just like guys i'm sorry i didn't want to do this but i just i no no i want to hear about it why do you want to hear about it?

Because you want to help your friend, or because you just enjoy watching your friend have a worse day than you?

Oh, there's a lot of layers with the ladies.

No, I want to hear about it.

Sorry, I'm rolling this fucking window down.

I want to hear about it.

I want to hear about it.

Well, I just, you know, it's like, I'm supposed to be my boyfriend for lunch,

and he said that he wasn't going in the last thing.

And he said, he didn't want to go.

Oh, baby, I was not going to try.

No, you just say,

how's it going?

Going good.

It's going good.

This is the way I say it.

It's going good.

Like, it's enough.

Don't fucking ask any more questions.

Yeah, how's it going?

It's going as fucking...

It's going how it's always going.

Anyway, oh, Billy fucking baseball face.

I've been watching the Red Sox.

I missed the drubbing of the Twins yesterday.

Kicking the shit out of them.

I don't even know who we have next.

All I know is they got like, baseball is fucking brutal.

They got like 10 games in a,

not this stretch, the next.

They have one day off.

Oh, Thursday.

Today they have a day off.

And then I think they just play like 10 days in a row.

I'll tell you what, Jaren Duran, Jesus Christ, all that guy does is hit doubles, triples, and home runs.

Now, granted, I only watched this week, but I'll tell you, I am duly impressed.

This guy here who could barely hit a fucking wiffle ball underarm to him by his fucking,

you know, kids, I am Julian Brett.

No,

this fucking team is all right.

They're young, they're talented.

We got some money.

Today's the trade deadline.

Who's that kid out there in Oakland?

I'm getting all caught up.

The big Amish, whatever they call them, hit five home runs in one game.

I guess nobody's ever done that.

Here's a question I have.

Like, who the fuck was pitching after he hit four?

You know?

What do you want to do?

You know, I think we should challenge him let's keep sending it right down the fucking middle

serve it up let's see you know let's see if he flinches

um yeah i got caught up with some of my motorcycle races i saw the uh the the germany race i got one more race and then i'll be caught up they're on break right now so i got a little time but mark marquez just keeps winning um he had a bad start in the sprint and it's actually that's like better that's like back in the day like

Lewis Hamilton if he had a bad qualifying and he was like second or third you're like oh this is cool I'll actually get to see some racing but if he was in pole position it was a race to the first turn and then that was the end of the fucking race it's moto GP has kind of been like that with Mark Marquez but that German track like I had to like look it up to get a picture of it because they just kept make they started going left

it's like you come out you go right and then there's a little chicane, and then they make like nine left-hand turns in a row.

And somehow they don't end up back where they started from.

And I'm like, you know, I know I didn't do too well in geometry, but this doesn't make sense to me.

And ended up

looking up the track.

That's a cool one.

You know, I don't know if people complain about it the way they complained about the track we had in Vegas that, you know, everyone was around the world was saying was lame.

And then it was the most passing,

at least it was two years ago when I was watching I mean that's the story that uh

that's the story that I'm sticking by so I'm doing a daddy-daughter day

today

friggin hilarious I'm like all right sweetheart where do you want to go

and she goes my favorite store

and I was like Ikea she's like yeah I go, you want to go to IKEA for a daddy-daughter day?

She goes, yeah, I just like looking at the different setups and stuff.

So I was like, all right, I guess,

you know, of course she doesn't ask me.

I fucking hate Ikea.

You know?

It's like being in the court system.

Once you're in, you can't get out.

I know.

Oh my God.

I already know how this is going to go down.

And they have that awful hot dog at the end.

You know what I mean?

Some sort of just terrible food.

Because they know.

They know that once you get in, you can't get out.

And it's like an hour long just walking the fuck around.

And people they're going to get upset.

But if you give them a hot dog in the end, the option, just the option of getting a hot dog in the end, maybe.

You know, maybe, maybe they won't be so upset.

You know?

I don't know.

Anyway.

I

don't know.

What else the fuck was I watching?

Oh, I finally saw, like everybody else, they actually showed footage

of uh what's going on in Palestine, man.

It's just it's unbelievable.

I was really thinking about this.

You know what's fucking amazing is

like if you have a problem with your next door neighbor, you can't go over and kill him.

That's illegal.

Bless you.

That was the loudest fucking sneeze ever.

Do you hear that guy?

For some reason, reason, you can't,

you know, you can't kill your neighbor.

There's an outside chance if you're a woman,

if you're a woman, that

you can possibly kill your neighbor.

No, you know what I mean.

You can't kill your neighbor.

You kill your neighbor, that's murder, you're going to jail, and all they're trying to decide is was it manslaughter,

third third degree, second, I guess third degree is manslaughter, right?

Second degree, first degree, or self-defense.

That's all it is.

Like, but you better have a good goddamn reason.

Like, you're not allowed to do that.

But if you work for billionaires,

you know, you join the military, you're allowed to kill people.

You can kill whoever you want.

Yeah, like, why don't we hold like the banks

and the oil company?

Like, there's just no reason to still be doing this

to people.

Yeah, that's what I kind of thought.

I mean, like, like, world leaders and billionaires are able to solve,

like, why are they allowed to kill people?

And they don't even have to do it.

They send us to kill each other and then they profit off of it.

But, like, if you have a problem with your neighbor, and you fucking kill that person, you're not allowed to do that.

And why is that?

You know why because that person you just killed was paying taxes

that person had a mortgage that person was they were making money that person's an asset that's a person that we can drown in debt or send off to fucking fight our fights so we can get more goop out of the fucking ground um

there isn't then this whole fucking thing since since Vietnam like the big thing is is if you say anything against war that means you this

like that's what they learned in vietnam they learned if they lost you know first of all they needed to take control of the media and then also they had to control the narrative and that's when the support the troops came out like as if there was people not supporting the troops i guess in vietnam the the hippies got a little crazy and they started yelling baby killers at troops because you know there was no social media how could they find the truth

so there was an element of guilt but what the powers that be did, they turned into, if you as a citizen said, hey, why are we going to war with this country?

That meant you were a communist and you didn't support the fucking troops.

It's like, that's not what that means.

I can support the troops and also say, why are you sending them there?

And they always do that.

So now, if you look at starving kids in Palestine, And you go like, hey man, this isn't the way to go about doing this.

Then they go, oh, you're anti-Semitic.

You you support Hamas.

It's like, no, I don't.

I can be like, don't starve that baby to death.

I can say that and

not be anti-Semitic.

I'm just, I'm anti-starving children to death.

I'm anti-seeing moms holding empty pots with children fucking crying.

It's insane.

It's insane.

War should not be legal.

And I think the reason that it is legal is because

there's never a justification for it.

Does that even make sense?

Like war has to happen because whatever they're doing is wrong.

It's the whole thing is fucking wrong.

It was Hamas is wrong.

Starving innocent people is wrong.

The whole fucking thing is wrong.

Most of the shit that my country has been involved in, turns out it's always about something else.

The whole fucking thing is wrong.

But it's for the profit of billionaires.

So then all of a sudden, now it's okay to kill people.

Now it's okay to starve people.

Now it's okay to just shoot fucking rockets into innocent people on both sides.

It's fucking insane.

And you can't have a rational conversation about it.

People just start fucking screaming and go, oh, you're this, you're that.

I'm like, I'm saying don't starve kids to death.

How is that the wrong side of the argument?

And how does that mean that I would then want to starve people to death on the other side?

No.

No, I think, you know, from my world travel, everybody's fucking cool.

It's the leaders or it's the corporations that get everybody, they're like mean girls.

They get everybody all fucking stirred up.

Religion, throw that in there.

That's another one.

Gets everybody all fucking stirred.

We would all be getting along.

We would all like, be honest with yourself.

You don't really know what anybody's doing in another country.

You don't know what they're thinking.

And you don't give a shit.

That's how they are with you.

Nobody gives a shit.

But then these fucking assholes at the top, you know, say X, Y, and Z, and then the media that they own go, oh my God, they're coming to get you.

I don't know.

Maybe I am oversimplifying it.

Did you see that?

There's another one, that shooting that person went in

and

down the triangle and go oh you know they had cte and they were trying to get to the nfl floor oh yeah is that what happened is that what happened

and when they the elevator doors open and they saw a completely different corporate logo there they were still confused i don't know about that one um

i don't know a lot of shit has happened this week A lot of shit has happened this week.

But

yeah.

I wish we could start a dialogue where we could talk to the world leaders and just be like, just exactly how is war

an acceptable way to solve these problems?

Like, how do you justify, how do you go to sleep at night

knowing that you green lit this or they green lit that or whatever, you know what I mean?

All I've seen from all of that stuff going on over there is all I've seen is innocent people die on both sides.

And that's what always ends up happening.

And then the people that perpetrated the whole fucking thing, I don't know where they are, they're underground or they're in a fucking palace,

you know,

talking to the media, spinning it.

That is a weird thing, though.

With every religion, they talk about, you know, if you don't live a certain way, you're gonna go to hell.

And then they have these descriptions of hell that are just beyond any comprehension of pain and how it never ends, right?

And then you see the people that run these organizations, and none of them seem to be worried about

punishment

in the afterlife.

Like every president, Democrat or Republican in my life has been.

And God bless the United States.

And they're always talking about God and everything.

And it's just like, dude, you got bodies, man.

You got fucking bodies.

They'll fucking bomb a country just to change the fucking shit on the newspaper.

At least they used to have to back in the day.

Like, oh, fuck.

Then I use somebody's vagina as a humidor.

I think I'll bomb a country in Europe.

I don't know, it's insane.

But it's such an insane world that probably this be people that actually hear me say, don't starve kids to death.

That's not the solution.

Will be like, ah, it's cause you're a fucking homophobe.

Call me any semi-fucking.

Is that what it is?

I thought I just didn't think that kids should starve to death over adult problems.

I don't know.

What are you going to do?

Anyway, do you know what you do?

You fucking, you bury yourself in sports.

That's what I've been doing.

I'm fucking, I hadn't watched a game all year.

Now I'm obsessed with watching the Red Sox.

I was very upset with myself that I missed a game yesterday.

Just a random day game on a Wednesday.

That just goes to show you how many people are working from home.

You know?

That they have a game on a fucking Wednesday.

On a Wednesday, bro.

Like, what's that about?

You know what I mean?

I mean, I like it,

but am I really supposed to believe everybody's, you know, doing the third shift in a warehouse, unloading trucks, and they just woke up, had a little coffee and some eggs and went to a game?

I mean, that's kind of a cool fucking way to do your day.

Anyway, you know what is funny about baseball is anytime I watch it, you know, there's always that part in my head going like, I could probably hit, I could probably hit a nice flyball to the left fielder.

I could probably do that.

You know, having gone to the batting cages once in like 30 years, I think I'm going to get up there.

It's like when I play golf

and people always go, I think you're using too much club.

I'm like, oh, yeah, watch.

Are you hitting a five-iron on a par three?

Yep, it's going to come up short too.

Watch this.

Every time.

time.

Every time.

And then every once in a while, I'll get a hold of one.

I only play part threes.

I only play part threes.

I'm not going, I don't like, you know what I mean?

I'm dating.

I'm not trying to get into a relationship.

I play nine holes and I play part three.

That's it.

That's what's going on.

Okay?

And I'll play nine holes

if there's three fours and fives.

But you have to know around hole six, I might take one off.

And I'm be sitting in the cart, you know, back in the day, smoking a cigar,

you know, passenger seat, too.

I'm just on, I'm there for the fucking ride.

I do remember one time

playing 18 holes, and I quit like fucking 12 holes in.

And I was just like, yeah, guys, I'm good.

They're like, you're good?

I go, yeah, I'm good.

And my two other buddies kept playing.

And I just sat there smoking a cigar for like the last six holes.

And they told me later that they were both like,

you know, is Burr actually doing it the right way?

Isn't that great every once in a while when you go against the grain and then people actually agree with you?

That never fucking happens.

Well, it happened that day.

It was fucking hot as balls.

And I was just sitting there at an Arnold Palmer and I had a fucking cigar.

And I was sitting there with my old pasty legs crossed.

Happy as a fucking clam.

could give a oh look at this hole oh yeah it's gorgeous night hey nice shot

keep it up buddy you're doing great just sitting there

that's the thing you know i actually

if i was still drinking

i would like rent myself out to to like for a foursome that sounded fucking perverted um

Keep it clean for golf

and I would just be like the designated driver and the only thing was, is I have to be allowed to drink for all 18 holes and have a cigar

going.

And that way the play,

you know, keeps moving along.

I'll even get you shit at the turn.

I don't give a fuck.

Anything to not play 18 holes of that game

would be fantastic.

I still don't understand why you can't just get it out at the driving range.

The driving range, that's where it's at.

That's where it's just fucking zen

no warm-up swing just bang

bang

bang slice hook

slice slice good one

bang

that's

i just i i you know what it takes an incredible amount of concentration with golf and i i gotta be honest with you Like, I can't even, I can't get through a bucket of balls.

Like, there's always, like, the first five or six I give a shit.

And then I just look at it like it's a job.

Like, I got to get through this bucket so I can get back to my life.

And

I hit him right off the deck.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck if that creepy,

you know, umbilical cord.

That little rubber T that

I don't give a shit.

I don't care.

Just get me out of here.

All of that, none of that has to do with the game.

All of that has to do

with all the bullshit that happened to me before I became a comedian.

I just want shit to be over, and I want to go and be alone.

It's fucked.

I have to fight that urge

all the time.

It's something I'm learning about.

Oh, Bill, you're going to go back to therapy?

I think I am.

I think I am.

I think I'm going to go back.

I'm going to check in.

You know what the subtext of this is.

This means my wife's like,

yeah, yeah, listen, that was like the 49th time this week you've done X, Y, and Z.

Maybe,

maybe you need to go talk to somebody.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, you're probably right.

You're probably right.

That's the worst.

Is there anything worse than getting a new therapist?

And you got to fucking, you know.

Now you're in reruns, right?

You got to fucking talk about shit you've already talked about and you're like fast-forwarding through it.

You know, and I was at the carnival and I got raped by a clown

and the next day my bike broke.

I want to get to 2025.

Well, we got to know what's going on with you.

We got to know what happened in 1975 to know what's going on in 2025.

Do we?

You know, I was watching an old Sesame Street the other day.

Remember that one?

Everybody sleeps.

Everybody sleeps.

I was was showing it to my kids, and they were showing a little baby.

And right in the middle of it, my kids were enjoying it.

I go, you know, that baby's like 50 years old now.

They're like, what?

I go, that baby, this was from like 50-something years ago.

I just started thinking, like, that baby could be divorced right now.

Just sitting on a bar stool.

We had it all, but she was afraid of it.

I didn't, she, she fucking, fucking, she sabotaged it.

I wanted to work it out.

Everybody drinks

and blames their fucking ex-wife.

And I used to tell, I told my kids, I go, I used to watch this when I was a kid, and I loved it because I liked seeing the animals sleeping, but it was a part of it that made me sad.

And then they watched it and they would go, why did this make you sad?

This isn't sad, Dad.

Why did it make you sad?

And I was like, like, oh,

oh.

I guess because I was fucked up.

You know, it wasn't this.

Turns out it was me.

Thank you.

Isn't it amazing when you get information like that?

Decades later.

Why do we have the hiccups now?

Decades later.

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Like, I just had

a setup

that took 30 years for the punchline to come.

A long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago,

I had like two lines on some acting gig.

And I was talking

to this actor

that was, you know, had more lines, you know, shooting the shit with them, right?

And I mentioned that I was a stand-up comedian.

And he's like, oh, you do stand-up?

And I was like, yeah.

And

he goes, yeah, you know, I don't like stand-up comedy.

I just don't find it funny.

And I immediately thought that that was like funny.

Because I was like, you know,

there was a lot of bad stand-up on TV at the time.

So it just struck me as funny.

But then I was also

kind of curious being like, well, he doesn't mean like all stand-up.

I go, but no, you like, like, but like Richard Pryor, though.

You don't mean like Richard Pryor.

He goes, yeah, no, I don't,

I don't find him funny.

I go, you don't find Richard Pryor funny?

He goes, nah, nah, you know, I had an acting gig and the other actor was playing me records of his, and he was laughing, and I just, I just,

just, I don't, I don't know, I just don't find it funny.

And I was like,

huh, all right.

And then like a month ago,

I ran into another actor,

the actor that was playing that record for that person.

Because in that story, I respected the other person because I was like, oh, wow, they have Richard Pryor albums.

I like that person.

So I ran into that person.

And I mentioned to him, I go, you know, a long time ago, I actually worked with an actor that worked with you, and I brought up the actor's name.

And right as I said the actor's name, he looked at me and he goes, Humorless.

Humorless.

And I just fucking died laughing.

It took 30 years,

30 years

of me sitting there.

Like, every once in a while, I would just think about it.

Like, that was the only person I ever met that ever said Richard Pryor wasn't funny.

I was like, I can't believe this guy.

Like, it was like, it was, it was right up there, like, when I watched that Ginger Baker documentary.

And

the Ginger Breaker goes,

when they brought up John Bonham, he goes, he's like, John Bonham couldn't swing a sack of shit.

And I was just like, oh my God.

I have never heard anybody trash John Bonham.

I've never heard anybody say that John Bonham wasn't a good drummer.

I mean, I know that guy, that guy was like petty as fucking hell.

Oh, my God.

Like, if you ever want to see what it looks like to not be hugged as a child, just listen to Ginger Baker.

Jesus fucking Christ.

That guy needed a Hallmark card every day for the rest of his fucking life, just to get maybe level.

Beware of Mr.

Baker.

You got to see that documentary.

It's like

it's fucking insane.

It's fucking insane.

I would say more, but the man passed away.

So out of respect, you know.

But

Jesus.

Jesus.

Fucking ego on that guy.

Not saying he wasn't a great drummer, but Jesus fucking Christ.

Like, was it that hard to be a Ginger back then?

It must have been.

I mean, they must, you know, they called him Ginger Baker, but it wasn't really considered an insult back then.

Somewhere along the line, that big, like, it used to, no, everybody over here used to call you a redhead.

And then overseas, it was he's a ginger.

But even then, you know, it's always been, there's always been like a low level of hostility slash mocking for us redheads.

But then somehow when ginger came over here, it was like, you know, it was, they, they, people were saying it, and it felt like a racial slur.

Remember this woman on an acting gate?

She goes, do you mind if I call you a ginger?

I'm like, I know, how do you mean it?

I mean, I didn't until you fucking asked that.

Do you mind if I call you an actor?

Like, now what are you thinking about my thoughts about acting?

Anyway, Jesus, I think we covered a lot.

I think we've covered a lot.

Yeah, I think

I think we did.

I think I'm watching baseball.

I think I'm still against war.

I don't think it there's

there's no fucking reason for it whatsoever.

There is absolutely no fucking reason for it.

I guess if someone like

I don't know how we ended up this way, we kind of never grew out of it.

You know what I mean?

It's kind of amazing that they're making bike lanes.

You know what I mean?

They're making bike lanes, but like you can still shoot missiles at people in an act of war.

They're like trying to turn all these American towns into like Mayberry

while they're doing that stuff.

I did see this funny Instagram thing where this building was all closed and it said condos coming soon.

And this guy was standing outside of it acting like he was excited.

Anyway,

I finished that movie, Body Heat, William Hurt and Kathleen Turner, Ted Danson, fantastic movie.

Fantastic movie.

It's on the Criterion channel in the Miami collections.

Like, there's all these movies from

Miami Blues.

Body Heat.

I think the Miami Vice movie.

No scarface, though.

I don't think they had a scarface, but all the

all movies that were shot in Miami,

it's really cool.

And William Hurt is fucking amazing.

He's fucking amazing.

It's almost like if you ever saw that movie, The Last Seduction, it's like it lives in that world, but like 10, 12 years before that movie.

Another great one.

Anyway, a lot of saxophone sex scenes.

Saxophone

playing in the background sex scenes.

Like that, that was the instrument of choice.

If two actors were pretending they were boning in a movie, you had to have a saxophone

or something with some sort of synthesizer underneath it.

A lot of times,

for whatever reason, the saxophone was the instrument of penetration in cinema during those years.

Like, there's a good one for Criterion, right?

Criterion on,

I would say, would be the

saxophone sex scene collection.

Take my breath away.

That was a synth.

Can you imagine hooking up with the woman and putting that song on?

Let's just say it was never in a movie.

But to have a song that literal playing while you're trying to get her motor going.

Take my breath away.

It's like she's sitting there looking at you like, why don't you do that instead of like trying to hypnotize me with this fucking music?

All right, there, buddy.

If you take my breath away, you take it away.

It's not going to happen because you put a song on that said, take my breath away.

I can find your clit do, do, do, do.

And you haven't, but she thinks she did because that song's on in the background.

It was just, you know what it was?

It was a simpler time.

Old Billy Daly driver, I think I might have found a car.

It's on

one of those websites there where you got to fucking put a bid in.

Which is exciting.

I'll let you guys

let you, you know, if I get the car, I'll let you know.

I'll let you know what I get.

Like you're hanging on my every fucking word.

All right, that's it.

Okay?

Go Red Sox.

War should not be legal.

And, you know, be nice to each other.

How about that?

All right, that's it.

Have a great weekend, you cunts.

And I'll love to talk to you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 31st, 2017.

What's going on?

How are you?

What's going on?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

How's your summer?

Huh?

Is it going to be a heat wave?

The heat's coming back.

Oh, my God.

please try to stay inside inside the air conditioning if you don't have air conditioning please try to remember to keep your windows open and stick your head through the opening in the window not in the solid part of the wall

you know when they do that shit on the news and they try to help old people not die in the summer heat

what a fucking way to go

You live almost a century and

you've lived through the wars, you've lived through the depression, you've lived through the fucking New York in the 70s and all that.

What finally gets you?

A hot summer day.

And you're just sitting there, what am I so swelling for?

And you just can't,

you just can't get to the window.

It's like when you'd watch wrestling, right?

And it's one of those tag team wrestling matches and the guy just can't get to his teammate to fucking slap his hand and tag him in.

That's what it is.

And that's it.

They lay there.

They find him face down in wrestling trunks.

The greatest generation stormed the beaches of Normandy, taken out by a fucking heat wave.

Does it every year?

How many heroes, how many years people, are we going to put up with the sun, taking another one of our heroes away?

I swear to God, you know, maybe if there was a different administration, they would handle the threat of the sun.

Right?

Am I talking politics now?

Is that what I'm doing?

Let's talk politics.

Why, why do we keep fucking with this douche in Korea?

Why don't you just leave him alone?

You know what I mean?

It's like when you're on the subway and the crazy guy comes in the car.

You don't look at him.

You don't start talking to him.

Just fucking leave him alone.

Leave him alone.

Here's another thing, too.

Why don't they just let the fucking guy,

you know, run his country the way he wants to run his fucking country?

Send some food in there, feed the fucking people.

Why does he have to have the same fucking ideas about strip malls that we do in order for us to get along with them?

Huh?

Haven't we proven that it doesn't matter what kind of government you have, in the end, there's going to be human beings running it, so they're going to selfishly fuck the whole thing up, anyways?

Who gives a shit?

If he's over there lighting off his fucking M80s, let him do it.

The guy is clearly, unbelievably insecure.

He clearly is trying to somehow follow in the footsteps of his dad's giant fucking shoes, although he's probably smaller.

I don't know how tall those guys are over there, but whatever.

Tall for over there, big shoes for North Korea, especially with all the lack of nutrition that's got to stunt the growth of your feet there, right?

Why don't they just fucking, you know?

We should, like when he shoots something off, we should just feed his ego.

Oh,

there you go

Way to go there Kim Jong Il the second

Whatever your fucking name is

Hey you fatty cakes.

That was a good one.

Dude, that's sick.

You like that?

Look at look at ours.

That's awesome fist bump good man.

Good man.

Hey, here's a

Here's a copy of the last year's Super Bowl.

Check it out man.

It's fucking amazing.

What do you got?

You got a gangdom style DVD you want to trade with us?

Why can't we just try to get along with this guy?

What is the fucking problem?

Huh?

Like, we give a shit what the fuck he's doing to his people.

These cunts who run shit over here, they don't give a fuck how many people are upside down in their own house.

They didn't give a fuck about the people in New Orleans.

They give a fuck about those people in North Korea.

No, they do not.

No, they do not.

You know what it is?

They're sitting on a bunch of material that you could turn into those doctor, those beats by Dre.

And goddamn it, we want it.

So that's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna act like this fucking goddamn

fatso with his fucking three missiles is going to be a problem.

Yeah, I don't understand.

Just leave the guy alone.

They're talking now, right?

According to Google News, that I didn't even read it.

All I did was just click on it.

It says U.S.

allies prepared to use overwhelming force in North Korea, general says.

We're prepared to shoot a bunch of missiles in his general area, says the general.

Hoping that one of them lands on him and we kill as few innocent people as possible.

They would never say that.

The U.S.

and its allies are prepared to use

rapid, lethal, and overwhelming force, if necessary, against North Korea, the commander of the U.S.

Pacific Air Forces warned Saturday night.

And why are we doing this?

Because this guy's shooting off his own fireworks, because he's testing missiles the way we do.

North Korea remains the most urgent threat to regional stability.

O'Shaughnessy O'Shaughnessy said,

O'Shaughnessy, you've done it again.

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

Do we really got to go in there and blow this guy up with a bunch of other people just trying to fucking get to work?

There's got to be another way to do it.

Don't we have any James Bonds guys that can just kind of go in there and start banging the hottest chicks in North Korea as they suddenly try to kill him?

You know, but the power of his dick is so overwhelming they forget to kill him and then he realized then by the time they realized I was supposed to kill that guy, but I was so busy having orgasms, right?

He's already out the door.

He's got the passcodes and then he goes down there.

How would you kill that guy?

How would you kill that fat bastard?

You know?

You know what I would do?

I'd give him a honey of a ham.

You know, the glazed ones that they have around Christmas, except in the glaze would be some sort of cyanide.

That's where you hide the poison.

You know, and he would just be staring at it and he would just mouth would be watering so much that he couldn't wait for the official taste tester to give it a try.

You know?

And he would literally die while making himself a sandwich.

You know, when you're so hungry, you're making the sandwich and you're already fucking throwing chunks of meat in your mouth.

That's what he would be doing.

So it'd be two places.

What is this?

He looks like a white bread guy, doesn't he?

He's definitely not a multi-grain.

You know?

Do you think he gets an everything bagel on the way to work every day?

That hairless bastard, I bet he doesn't even have to wear deodorant.

You know, there's a lot of things to like about him.

He's fat, you know, so he's non-threatening.

You know, that means he likes to

fucking stay up late, Netflix, and chill.

You can see that about him.

You know?

You think he knows how to dance?

Have you noticed that about little people and

fat people?

They transcend race when it comes to dancing.

You know, it's like white guys can't dance, pretty much

general, unless they're fat or they're a little person.

Then all of a sudden, they're just fucking, it's just like, wow, were you in the beat it video?

What's going on here?

It's because they had to.

That's what happens.

You have to.

There's a certain amount of ice cream that you eat where the laws of nature just take over, and at some point, you have to learn how to dance.

Or you're just going to be heading into an abyss of sadness that, you know,

there's not enough enough chips ahoy in the world can fill that void.

Or is it that they get that sweat into the oldies, Richard Simmons thing, and that just kind of launches this talent they didn't know?

This is just for fat people.

I don't know about little people.

You know?

I think little people, because they're down at the ground, they can see the steps easier.

You know, where like when Michael Jackson first moonwalked, you know, everybody was as tall as Michael Jackson, so we couldn't figure out what he was doing with his feet.

But little people were down at the ground.

They're like, I got that shit.

Right?

And the next day you're in the subway, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, boom, boom, boom.

And there was like fucking eight little people all coming at you.

I'm telling you.

Nia, did you ever see that?

You ever go into the subways of Brooklyn and there was a bunch of little people doing recreating the bad video?

No.

Let's take a co-chico because I'm bad.

I'm bad.

No?

What's going on?

I'm in a stupid mood.

I'm trying to how would you solve North Korea?

I have no idea.

You know it's funny he's like a baby.

He's like baby fat.

That's what I like about that guy.

Like if he wore shorts, it'd probably look like

old cutie pies there.

Are you getting ready for a nap?

Oh, you did?

You did.

You want to go to Brooklyn today and watch us eat real people food?

While you keep drinking milk?

Alright.

Oh, is

no I don't know I don't know what I was talking I was talking about some fucking stupid shit

yeah so why why

like honestly what would happen if we just left that guy alone

you know what would happen if you just I'm seriously asking this if you lifted all the sanctions and he was able to trade with the world and they were able to fucking get some food in there, whatever the fuck's going on, if you just just honestly just let him do his shit.

I mean, we shoot our fucking

missiles all the time.

We don't use it.

Yeah, we do.

This is what kills me.

How do we even know what the fuck he's doing over there?

Who has fucking time to be watching this shit?

Can you imagine if that was your goddamn job?

And then you're going home on the subway and then you're sitting next to me and you're watching me losing my shit because I can't download the new operating system and you're sitting there dealing with the fact

that there's some chubby little fella on the other side of the world shooting us some shit that could possibly be on its way over here right now

I don't know

do you think if the animals had the abilities They had the ability to shoot those missiles, do you think they would do it in an effort to try to wipe all of us out so they could just go back to fucking catching trout in a stream?

You know, if there was going to be an animal out there that would betray us, which species do you think it would be?

You know, it'd have to be something at least at the level of a bear.

Reptiles are out.

Reptiles are like, you know,

they're like, you know,

they're those kids that go to the

like reptiles have like learning disabilities, right?

They have like fucking dyslexia

ADD, you know, they're like the riddling kids of the animal kingdom.

Are they even considered an animal?

Is a reptile an animal?

I always forget this shit.

An amphibian?

Right?

An amphibian is something that can be

It's like Aquaman, right?

He's under the ocean, he's talking to a dolphin, and then later on that night, you know, he's getting sushi.

Well, that'd be fucked up, right?

He's on a date getting sushi.

His date's sitting there looking at him like, you know, you just seem like you're somewhere else.

You just gotta like the way of the world.

And you're sitting there going,

I wonder if I'm eating somebody that helped me out one time.

Remember that shit?

For some reason, they would all come and help him.

They never really explained that, did they?

Why

they all liked him.

Why they would interrupt whatever the fuck it is that they were doing

to stop some other fucking people in a boat because they're bringing a key of cocaine or some shit into the U.S.

And it's just like, like,

a whale doesn't even know what cocaine is.

Why is it going to hurt its tail smashing this boat?

Because as much as it could smash the boat, this pointy stuff, right?

There's the mast and all of that, he could hurt himself.

And all he gets is a thank you.

You You know, does Aquaman go, hey, thanks a lot.

By the way, there's a bunch of plankton over there.

Little heads up, no one's seen it yet.

Ah, thank you, Aquaman.

He never did.

You'd just be like, oh, thank you.

How fucking insecure are these goddamn fish?

Here's another thing, too.

I'm sick of fucking hot newscasters, male and female.

All right?

What are you trying to do here?

You know,

I don't need to be aroused when I'm fucking listening to world news.

Holy shit, what happened to that fucking lady's face?

Oh, it won't go down.

Come on, go down, scroll down.

Oh, man, I don't get how to use computers.

There's something on the side.

Where is it?

Where's the lady?

All right, an Arizona woman played dead.

All right, wait a second.

Oh, this is all this clickbait stuff.

Kendall Jenner's nude photo sparks.

Who gives a shit?

She really is the best-looking one of all of them, isn't she?

No offense to Caitlin.

All right, so I guess now we're going.

So we're going to, we're having a war with Afghanistan, we're having one with Iraq, and now we're going to have one with North Korea.

You know, isn't this like when Home Depot opened so many fucking locations, they like started putting each other out of business?

All right.

Jesus Christ.

We're going to do another one.

We're going to start another one.

All right.

What are you going to do, eh?

You know, what the fuck?

I guess, I mean, what do I know?

I'm just another asshole with the podcast.

Just trying to struggle through an hour.

You know what I really wish?

I just wish, like, you know, why can't they just do it?

There's some guy shooting off his firecrackers.

You don't like it.

Just go fucking do it.

Stop dragging me into it.

Showing me what this guy can do and how his missiles can fucking,

you know, his little Roman candle can fucking somehow land on my house.

What does that do for me?

I might go do it.

Stop putting some plywood up on top of my house like a hurricane's coming.

Jesus Christ, you're in the fucking Navy.

You go, that's your job.

Is it world news when I can't put together my new hour or stand-up?

Oh, shut up.

Go fuck yourself.

What do you want from me?

So, oh, anyway, so my daughter was

grabbing onto this pleather couch that we have here.

All right, because

she's learning to crawl.

And it was funny, she was like planking today, you know, doing like, not like what the kids did on the internet.

We just laid face down, face planting is what I thought it should be called.

She was like literally doing, she was in upper push-up position.

How about that?

The upper push-up position.

And she was learning something, and you know, and I should have just let her figure shit out.

Instead, I went, There you go, there you go.

And then she just dropped down to the floor, looked up at me, and smiled.

I was like, I just distracted her.

So, anyways, they got this pleather couch here, and her fingernails are really long.

And she was making that fingernail down the chalkboard sound, and it was driving me nuts.

So, against

my gut, I decided to cut her fingernails, which I do.

Nia has told me to do.

I said, I don't want to do it.

Her fingers are too small.

She wiggles them around.

I don't want to do it.

So

I got the first four done correctly.

Then I did her thumb, and she made this face and started crying.

And I looked because she was wiggling her finger, and I thought I was underneath it.

And I just

gave her the littlest little

cut on her.

Oh, God.

And now the family's here.

I got to go get some pizza.

I'll talk to you.

Am I really going to pause in this right now?

So I made like a little cut on her finger, and

it was

probably the worst feeling I've had as an adult.

And,

you know, she was fine two seconds later, but for the rest of the night, every time she cried, I was convinced it was because of that little fucking scratch I put on her finger.

Worst fucking feeling ever.

And I don't know why I had to pass that on to you, but you know what?

If they could sit there and tell me that this little fucking fat shit over there is shooting off his I guess that's what you do.

I'm gonna let you know what's going on everything awful that's going on in the world.

And I'll let you know what's going on in my world that was awful.

And all right, I got to get off the

hang on a second.

Hang on a second.

Let me see what's going on as far as people who are coming over.

Jesus.

I got too much family here to keep going.

I'll try to go for another few minutes here.

So, yeah, so that happened.

And

I just immediately stopped.

So now she has like short fingernails on one hand and long ones on the other.

And I'm trying to get my wife to clip the other ones she hasn't had the time

and it's driving me nuts

aesthetically you know what I mean it's like the fact that like

the fact that five of her fingers I have short nails and the other five don't is driving me fucking crazy I don't know why it's the same thing you know when black guys walk around with their pants hanging off their ass, like that's that you just want to pull them up, you know?

And then the white guy version of that is those white guys that walk around with their shoes untied.

It fucking, I don't know why, it has no effect on my life.

I don't know what it is.

It drives me up the wall.

Pull up your pants, tie your fucking sneakers, okay?

Just, can you be an adult?

Have you ever seen those guys that take it to the point, literally, they have a long shirt on that goes past their ass and then they have a belt?

It's like,

I don't know how they can still walk.

I saw a guy one time, his pants were literally below his junk.

I don't know.

These crazy kids, you know, I guess they guys have to keep taking it further than the generation before.

I figured at some point that someone's got to be a rebel and go the other way.

And you start yanking them up, you know, till you do the old man thing where it's right underneath your man boobs.

Anyways, you know what I became fascinated with since I got here?

Because New York has changed so much with all these glass towers.

Tallest building in Manhattan.

There's this new,

there used to be this place called the Drake Hotel where Zemplin and all these guys stayed.

And this place that replaced it is 432 Park Avenue.

And you have to see the fucking views of this place.

It's so, it's so tall, like you can see the roundness of the world or the flatness, you know, depending on what you believe.

You can see the end of like, you know, those people that

they think we kind of live in like a giant coffee cup.

Is that what it is?

You know, I mean, there has to be like

even people who fucking don't think it's round, it's got to be half round, right?

Like you cut a tennis ball in half, then you just filled it all in with land and ocean, right?

Do they think it's like that?

I don't know.

Dude, this building on the top floor, they have this website.

I think on a clear day, you can almost see the Tappanzee Bridge.

You actually look over the Freedom Tower, past the Statue of Liberty, past Staten Island, out to the ocean.

And the top floor...

I can't remember if I already talked about this in the podcast, went for $95 million.

I think you get the top two floors or something like that.

And then the floor below it,

the apartment below it, the second highest one, is still for sale at $85 million.

And I think the reason why that isn't selling is who the fuck is going to pay $85 million to still have some asshole walking on

his sales?

Can you fucking keep it down up there?

You know?

Some rich guy

walking around.

I think, you know, they probably, I would think at that point,

you could literally be wearing tap shoes and like it's so expensive the person below you can't hear it.

They got to have some sort of soundproofing or spongy floors.

I don't know what it is because I know people who are that goddamn rich would not tolerate listening to somebody walk.

You probably have a herd of horses up there.

The person below it wouldn't have it.

So probably the reason it's not selling is they just can't handle it.

They can't handle

If you have that kind of money, you want to be the swinging dick in your building.

There's somebody else above you dropping his junk on your forehead every time you walk

out the door.

Can't have that.

What I did find interesting was that the building was so tall that he actually had to call the FAA

because I learned last time I was out here, I flew up to a gig in a helicopter, right?

I just wanted to see, fly over the George Washington Bridge just to do it.

And he said

Bravo Airspace, which would be LaGuardia, JFK, and Newark, was 900 feet and above.

And this building's like 1,300 in change.

So it actually literally goes up into commercial airspace.

So at night time,

there's like these floors that are always lit, which is pretty cool.

And I don't know if that's because of the

FAA or what.

They usually just have like blinking red lights on the top or something like that.

Like, hey, don't hit this, man.

Anyways, I don't know.

Who has that kind of money?

Who is that kind of money?

How long is is that elevator ride?

And also, how long before somebody base jumps off the top of that thing?

And if you did, could you make it out to Ellis Island?

Actually, you know something?

As far as like jumping, that's not that high up if you're going to try to fly, right?

When those guys, don't they usually jump off a mountain?

Ron Burgerty, I wanted to shout it from a mountain.

Don't they jump off a mountain, they go all the way down a mountain, right?

Jesus, Billy, you've really talked yourself into a corner here, haven't you?

Yeah, I have.

I have.

You know what I was going to do last week?

I was going to sing the praises of a water taxi, which I think I did.

A water taxi about how great it was.

Underrated, taking the water taxi in New York from Manhattan to Brooklyn or vice versa there.

Manhattan out to New Jersey, whatever you want to do.

It's awesome, right?

And no sooner, and I took the local too, where we made like 10 stops and it took an extra half an hour, but it was just relaxing.

and it was beautiful.

I made the mistake of saying how great it was and like three days after I said that, one of those yellow ones, the guy didn't slow down in time and he smashed into the dock and like 30 people got hurt, which means really probably 12 got hurt.

The other 18 are looking for a payday.

This guy just came cruising in.

He was probably texting.

I just don't understand how you screw up that bad

with a boat.

There was the weather was fine.

It was a clear day.

Like, what did you do?

You just came cruising in.

That was probably the guy's last run of the day.

That chick he's been texting.

He wanted a banger.

She finally texted him back, hey, what are you doing?

I'm at a bar on pier, whatever, right?

And he was like, oh, fuck, it's going down.

Oh, shit.

Bam!

Everybody goes flying.

You know, and the boat I was on,

the guy driving it, he's like surrounded by glass.

So it's not like, you know, airline pilots, you know, when they have a hard landing, they just won't open the door.

They just stay there.

You know, you can't see them because then you go into the jetway.

When you're on a boat, there's nowhere to hide.

You know, people just walk by and you just be like, sorry about that.

Jesus.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Everybody laying on the ground.

I know I'm not supposed to laugh at stuff like that, but the end of the day, I wasn't on the boat and no one I know got hurt.

So there is something kind of hilarious about it, unless somebody got seriously injured.

You know, is this going to spark an internet controversy now?

Is there going to be a group of six people that complain all at the exact same time and it gets picked up?

You know, we're going to go to war with North Korea, but first,

podcasting, can it go too far?

All right, 25.

I'm trying to get up to 30 minutes here because I don't have any of the advertising right now and I don't have any of the questions either.

The New York Yankees are crushing it, ladies and gentlemen.

They were down five games to the $200 million Boston Red Sox.

My $200 million Boston Red Sox, your $200 million Red Sox.

Okay?

Because when teams start spending that kind of money, it's got to come from somewhere.

It can't just come from Red Sox fans.

It even comes from people who are not Red Sox fans.

So anyways,

they,

I don't know, we lost so many fucking games in a row.

We finally won last night, Saturday night.

I'm recording this Sunday, and

won 9-8, actually scored a bunch of runs for once.

But the Yankees are just surging, but they're only up by half a game, and there's like, I don't know, 900 games left.

We'll see what happens.

But I'm watching the Yankees all week on the Yes Network here.

One of my favorite things to do, watch them and root against them.

It's what I always did.

And when I get the baseball package, I lived in New York for so long, it's hard for me to turn on the Red Sox

because I, for so long, my baseball watching was watching the yes network rooting against the Yankees.

It's bizarre.

And somewhere in there, Sweet Caroline came out, and I don't know, there's just a bunch of weird shit that happens at Fenway now.

I went away for too long and I came back and I just don't recognize it.

But I am back into it.

And I really wish our team would just focus on trying to win and stop getting into arguments with Dennis Eckersley.

All right?

He's a Hall of Famer.

I love what he does.

He's great at his job and I don't mind that he criticizes the friggin players.

And

Jesus Christ, there's like all these stories that they, you know,

people are, dad, get the fuck out of here yelling them on like the team playing and everything.

Like, why would you do that to a Hall of Famer?

You know what I mean?

If a Hall of Fame stand-up comedian criticized my act, I would listen to it, be like, all right, well, shit.

Evidently, I need to work on some stuff.

You know what I mean?

I certainly wouldn't start screaming at him on the team

comedian plane,

which is basically a commercial airliner.

All right.

I'm going to take a break now because I got to go out with the family.

And I'll come back.

I'll read some advertising and some questions and we will wrap it up.

I have not watched the F1 race yet because I don't have the channel.

And And like I mentioned earlier,

you know, I don't know a lot of people that are into it.

None of my friends are, so no one's really going to ruin it for me.

But if I had to guess,

I hope Lewis Hamilton didn't win again.

I hope he's just not going to run away from this thing and it just becomes Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes like it did last year.

I hope Vettel won.

You know, just to keep it...

Keep it exciting before they go on the break or whatever.

All right, that's it.

I'm done babbling.

I will, well, for you guys, it'll be like two seconds.

I'll be back in two seconds.

All right.

Hey, and I'm back.

I hope this isn't too loud.

I fucking, the battery ran out of my other thing.

This is me continuing on with the Monday morning podcast.

Oh, lovely Nia.

How were you this morning?

I know, you're not in a good mood.

She's not in a good mood.

You know, every couple, when you travel, there's the one person that's freaking out that we're going to miss the plane, and then there's the other person who could, like, give a shit.

Nia's the one that freaks out.

Like, oh my god, did we leave enough time?

Did we bring extra batteries in case there's no flashlights on the plane?

Like, I don't even, you know what?

I don't even know what airline we're flying.

Oh, Delta.

Delta?

Are we on Delta?

I don't know.

I never fucking know.

You know what I?

On the way to the airport, when the driver goes, you know, I always know what airport I'm going to, for the most part.

The dude just goes, what airline, and that's when I check my itinerary.

My itinerary.

I am going on Virgin.

I am going on United.

Ooh, mommy, baby.

Alright, so since I last talked to you, which was yesterday, the Yankees, the

Yankees lose.

But so did the Red Sox.

We're still a half a game up.

By the way, New York Sports Press, enough with the judge shit.

Jesus Christ.

All rise.

Then they had this thing, you know, because he's got the gap between his teeth.

They're like, the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

We get it.

His last name is Judge.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Why does why do sports pages get away with puns?

You know, every fucking other day they got some stupid pun on the back of the sports page because they can't write a fucking joke and they shouldn't be able to because they're sports writers should just tell me who won the game okay I don't need you to say oh geeter

oh golly jeeter like why does it always have to be a pun

sitting in there you're all a bunch of writers you can't come up with anything better than that the tooth the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

Ugh they're just like fucking it just ruined my goddamn day I hate when I record just off my fucking computer.

This fucking goddamn air conditioning will not shut off.

Just shut off already.

So fucking loud.

Off.

Off.

Yeah, off.

Why is it still on?

Mode.

Low.

High.

Full.

Low.

There's no fucking option here.

And off.

That did it.

Sorry.

Fucking this fucking goddamn air conditioner.

It either doesn't work or it's drowning out conversation.

You know what I mean?

It's like somebody you're just hoping is going to pass out, but that last 10 minutes before they do, they're just interrupting everybody.

That's what this fucking air conditioning is like.

Anyways, let's get to some of the advertising here for this week.

Where the fuck is it?

Ah, that's not it.

God dang it.

Come on, come on.

We can do it.

Oh, look, oh, look who's who's here oh would you look at this it's old zip hey how about it for oj simpson huh he's out again what's he gonna do he's out again he's gonna kill not one but two he's out again it's oj

run for your lives

i love when he said you know i've i've lived a a pretty confrontation confrontation free life

and that is true other Other than when he killed those two people, I mean, he was a hell of a guy.

All right, here we go.

Let's read some of the questions here for this week.

Microchipping

says Revelation 13:17.

It's called Mark of the Beast.

Now, sorry for this click here.

This is going to be loud.

Block your ears.

3, 2, 1, click.

Where the fuck is it?

I know I looked it up

here we go Revelation this is the exact reason why I don't read the Bible

library Revelation 317

let's see if I can get this here

the temple of God was opened in heaven and there was seen in his temple the ark of his testament The Ark of God's Testament is the Holy of Holies, the second apartment of the sanctuary.

You already lost me.

Okay, evidently you can rent a room out in his church.

He has one other tenant.

In the

ministration of the early tabernacle, which served unto the example and shadow of

heavenly things.

This apartment was opened only by the great day of atonement.

for the cleansing of the sanctuary.

Therefore, the announcement that the temple of God was opened.

Okay, well there you go.

So, I guess that explains microchipping.

Thank you, Bible.

That really is the good book.

I mean, I would think

I understand computers more than I get the Bible.

I just, why can't they just write it in fucking today's English?

They do that with every other book

of lies.

No, kidding.

All right, I work for the microchip company in Wisconsin.

Okay, some stick fuck offered my boss a TV show.

Uh, what the fuck are they going to call it?

How to shed your employees' rights?

Thanks, asshole.

Sorry, just venting.

Love your stuff.

Thank God for your gifts.

You don't plunge a clock for Satan.

Well, neither do you.

You just work for a company in Wisconsin.

Quit the fucking job.

Then what do I do?

I don't know, collect unemployment and not be microchipped?

Come on, people.

Don't give Delta Airlines your fingerprints.

Alright, please Please don't do this, people.

Please don't give into this.

Don't go to Tiger Stadium and give them your fingerprints so you don't have to stand in line for a fucking pretzel.

You fucking dope.

And please don't be dumb enough to think, well, dude, my credit's fucked.

Good luck if somebody steals my identity.

Dummy, they're going to create a false credit report.

All they need is the Lee Harvey Oswald to pin it on, which will be you and your fingerprints, you fucking dope.

Yeah.

You know, in the future, there's going to be a knock on the door and they're going to question why you killed a hooker in the Ukraine.

And you'll be like, I've never been there in my life.

Oh, yeah, your fingerprints were.

But

here's the story of a person who didn't kill a hooker.

Now he's getting banged in the ass in the Ukraine

because he left his fingerprints at the ballpark because he wanted a coarse light.

All right.

Um, sorry, Sorry.

Alright, vacuums gathering information.

Hey, big bald Billy.

Thought you might enjoy this article in regards to your recent podcast on companies and fingerprints.

Now it seems like those robotic vacuums are selling maps of the inside of your house so you can get furniture ads.

Yay.

Massive Aussie fan.

Can't wait to hopefully

see you when I go over to the U.S.

in the spring of 2018 yeah things are just changing so friggin' rapidly you know what was really going to be interesting is when they microchip everybody

okay they microchip everybody

and then they put all the cash there's no longer any cash

what's going to be interesting then is all these fucking

you know drug dealers all these fucking

I don't know anybody who just didn't trust banks and put a sack of money in the fucking wall, what do you do with that now?

You know?

Now it's all on you.

Now that's not even worth anything.

You got to show up with all this shit.

They're going to be like, hey, man, where did you get this money?

And you're going to be like, hey, man, I earned this money and I already paid taxes on it, man.

And they're going to be like, hey, man, you got to prove that.

And like, hey, man, I can't.

And then they're going to be like, hey, man, well,

fuck your bag of cash.

What's going on, Nino?

Did you like my song about getting microchips?

I didn't lay it.

Here's the story.

Ah, you're just walking around.

You're getting ready.

Nina, you get so nervous on days where we fly.

You're not going to make me get it coming to the podcast.

We have to leave in an hour.

Jesus.

Okay.

Well, that was fun.

Yeah, so anyways, these fucking lazy ass fat fucks buy these computers that just, these little robots that fat, they sweep up after them, you know, as they're eating like Ritz crackers with like ice cream in the middle of it.

Whatever fat people do, right?

They're always creating some new food, some unholy matrimony of carbohydrates and fucking sugars.

They're too fucking lazy to get off their ass and use a vacuum cleaner.

So they have this robot do it, and then they map the inside of this person's house,

you know, so they can do what with it?

I don't fucking know.

So they can sell them an L-shaped couch.

Can fat people sit on L-shaped couches?

Can they swing their leg up to that, you know, that other side of it?

I don't know why I'm making fun of the fatties today.

Maybe because I started with that fucking guy over there and

whatever his fucking name.

I don't even know the guy's name.

Because he's crazy.

I don't need to know about this guy.

We should get him to come over to the fucking Detroit Tigers ballpark, get his fingerprints, then we'll put it on something.

Then we'll go over there and we'll arrest him.

We'll stick him in OJ's old old cell.

How mad would he be?

Can you imagine if that guy ever went to jail just standing there?

You know?

All that hair on top of his head, but nowhere else on his body.

You know, he's one of those weird, hairless adults, right?

Alright, girlfriend broke up with me because I like your podcast.

Thanks, me.

Thanks for helping me weed out the cunts, mate.

Come back to SK sometime, Saskatchewan.

Hope you enjoyed it there.

Girlfriend broke up with me because I like your podcast.

I would like to heard more details on that one.

What was it that she didn't like about the podcast?

My annoying voice?

My tone-deaf singing?

My inability to read out loud.

Alright, addiction to online prostitution.

Touchin', touchin'.

Dear Trojan Bill.

Over the course of the last year, I've become addicted to online prostitution.

Jesus, Jesus Christ, dude.

The courage you have, you just go online

and you just have her come over to your fucking place like you're ordering a goddamn pizza.

What is it like when you look through that fucking hole and you see her walking down the fucking hallway?

The hole in your door, whatever you call that thing, the little sight thing.

She comes stumbling out of the elevator.

It started off as curiosity.

Hmm, what would it be like to fuck a stranger for money?

And snowballed into me spending a percentage of almost every paycheck on hookers, anywhere from 60 to 300.

Try to stick with the $300 hooker.

You really get what you pay for.

Boo-doop, boo-doop, boop.

Here's the story

of a bunch of venereal diseases.

He said, I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago.

She had no idea, but I didn't want to drag her into this.

Well, dude, you can't fucking do this when you're in a a relationship with somebody.

He said, I recently got tested and I came up clean.

Thank God, was what I was going to say, and he wrote it too.

Thank God.

No one knows

that I do this, and I'd prefer to keep it that way, but I can't help myself from going onto those websites and meeting up with these women.

I feel like it's getting worse every month.

It's already cost me my relationship.

It's costing me a fortune, and I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone I know for help.

What should I do?

And I'm sorry if Nia is in the room and completely disgusted by this.

I'm pretty disgusted with myself, too.

Alright, this is what you have to do.

The second you wake up, you got to rub one out.

Alright?

And then you go to work, and at lunch, you go, that was delicious, excuse me.

And you excuse yourself, you go in and you rub one out

in the bathroom.

Unless you can't lock the door.

And then when you come home, rub one out again.

Okay?

And then that's it.

And then you take your fucking phone and you throw it in the freezer.

If you have a landline, you rip it out of the wall.

I actually, if I was you, if like this is like,

if you're spending this amount of money, I would just

go to a therapist.

You know, and just say, yeah, I'm addicted to online prostitution.

I mean, therapists hear everything.

Okay?

That's actually like

easy listening music to them compared to some of the shit they have to.

You know, people come in there and talk about how they got molested by one of their parents.

I mean, it's crazy shit.

You're just like, hey, you know, I like banging hookers.

It's cost me a lot of money and I'd like to stop.

And they'd be like, oh my god,

you're sort of functional.

By all means, lay down on my couch and let's fucking talk about this.

Why do you feel you want to get prostitutes?

Why wouldn't you want to be with a real girl?

A regular woman.

Alright, I snooped through my husband's phone.

Isn't that a song?

Isn't it?

I snooped through my husband's phone and I liked it.

Isn't that a fucking song?

Good morning, Billy.

Good morning, Billy.

On Sunday morning, my husband had his work phone alarm set to 5.30 a.m.

Of course, the only person it wakes up is me.

After I turned the alarm off, I decided to go through his phone.

You fucking horse.

Did we go through your shit?

They're such fucking hoarse.

I have to admit that it wasn't my proudest moment.

Alright, then I forgive you.

You're a nice person.

See how I just jump around?

But I am insecure.

While looking at his message, I see that there are texts from a phone number without contact information and quickly figure out it is his ex-girlfriend's number.

In the text message, there's a lot of flirting as well as my husband complaining about my appearance.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Well, this is what you get for snooping, and eventually asking her to get drinks together while we were visiting his family for Father's Day in their hometown.

Oh, Jesus.

They were together for six years, on and off, through college and high school.

She cheated on him more than once.

Then, when we got together, she harassed me on Facebook and took an eight-hour bus ride to try try and meet me.

Oh, yeah, so this bitch is crazy, and she's great in bed.

That's what's going on.

I had to ignore all my initial reactions toward her and just ended up ignoring her.

I didn't want her in my life.

I confronted him about it, and his only response was, Why would I go into his phone?

And that if I go looking for something, I'm going to find it.

Jesus Christ.

When I asked him why he did it, he just said he didn't know.

He has ignored me ever since.

I'm not sure

where to go from here.

Thank you.

You were amazing at Colossal Cluster Fest.

Too bad you didn't get to finish your set.

Hopefully, you're in the Bay Area again soon.

Alright, you know something?

I apologize for calling you a whore 15 fucking times and all of womanhood whores.

Well, he's not leaving any doors open here.

I guess what I would do is

Nia.

Ah, she's too busy packing.

I don't know.

What do you do here?

You're married, you obviously have kids.

Unless you were just visiting his father for Father's Day.

Well, he's being a total bitch about it.

I can tell you that.

I think you kind of need to have the what the fuck conversation.

Like, do you think if you just like ignore me, this is going to go away?

Well, hey, you know, what did you snoop through my phone for?

If you're looking for something, you should find something.

Well, yeah, well, I did, and I did.

Would you say that to the cops?

Hey, we found a kilo of cocaine in the trunk of your car.

Well, what the fuck are you going through the trunk of my car for?

You fucking looking for something, you're gonna find it.

And the cop's gonna be like, oh, okay.

He fucking deserves to give you a fucking explanation a little better than that.

And then you decide if you want to work through it.

And if he doesn't want to work through it, fucking dump his ass.

This is the best you can do?

I mean, come on.

You're better than this.

Anybody's better than this.

Fuck this guy.

Alright?

Fuck does this guy get off pulling a move like that?

A response like that.

You know,

I don't get that.

And that's 100% not fair to you.

Fuck this guy, okay?

And I'm not saying to leave the guy, but if he's not going to discuss it with you, then the fucking relationship's over.

Right?

The trust is gone.

All right.

Good luck with that.

And I'm sorry you're going through that.

That's really unbelievably painful, and that's one of the worst fucking responses ever.

Slash a little legendary.

I'm not going to lie to you.

Teaching guitar to a cute girl.

Oh, Jesus, please tell me she's of age.

I don't like the sound of this already.

Alright, hi, Bill.

I've been listening to your podcast for a while now.

Just picturing this old guy applying Ben Gay as he listens to this.

And I now know you lend, you tend to give some solid romantic relationship advice.

So I was wondering if you and maybe the lovely Nia too, if she's around, could help me out with this one.

About two years back, I met this girl

in my last year of university.

We had a lot of the same classes together, so we started talking.

We have a lot of the same interests.

She's really smart.

She's funny and nice and just all around my type.

But it turns out she had a boyfriend, so I backed off pretty quickly.

To this day, we're friends, and we try to meet up every couple of weeks.

Is this when Harry met Sally, or is this actually your life?

So, about two months ago,

she messaged me saying she always wanted to learn how to play guitar and that she she finally bought one.

She's into you, do

I've been playing guitar for years, so I told her I'd be happy to meet up with her and show her some easy stuff to get her started.

It slowly morphed into this thing where every week we meet up after work for a couple hours.

I'll teach her chords and stuff, and we'll talk about life in general.

Anyway, I noticed lately that a good chunk of the conversation has been

about how she's been fighting with her boyfriend, the same guy as when we first met.

Yeah, how many more fucking signals do you need?

Jesus Christ, is she gonna put Christmas lights around her fucking vagina there?

She also keeps telling me how amazing I'm being for teaching her guitar and how I'm such a great guy.

Plus, the last few weeks, if ever a boyfriend calls and we're together, she's been sending it straight to voicemail.

Okay, all right.

All right, what does she have to do?

Grab you by the back of your neck and fucking push your face towards her.

I mean, come on.

I'm starting, this guy goes, goes i'm starting to get the feeling she might be interested

call me crazy

but this is where i need your advice i tend to overthink things

uh yeah

i would say that he goes i tend to overthink things a lot in general and have actually had issues with anxiety slash depression in the past I was wondering if you and Nia could help me out here.

And I'm reading, am I reading too much into things?

Or does it seem like she's actually showing some interest?

interest I'll take any help on what I should do here congrats on your lovely daughter on getting the show picked up for season three thanks and go fuck yourself yes sir Jesus Christ you low self-esteem jackass

yeah she's into you

so what do you mean what you should you do here just

I would tell her how you feel

I would just say, listen, I hope I'm not out of line here.

I know you have a boyfriend.

I would just ask her, say, so what's going on with your boyfriend?

You don't seem happy.

You know, you're always sending it to,

saying you're always fighting.

You're sending it to the voicemail.

You know, you don't seem happy.

Are you happy?

And there's a 40% chance there she might cry

when she finally says no.

And just say, listen, I really like you, and

I don't like seeing you unhappy.

Alright?

And not for nothing.

If you ever broke up with that guy, I'd love to take you out sometime.

Now, would you like to learn how to do an F court?

That's it.

How about that?

F as in, fuck me.

Yeah, that's what I would do.

I'd just ask her about a relationship, and she's going to say it's not going well.

And then just say, well, you know,

just say what the fuck I just said.

Put it in your own words.

Alright?

What am I?

Sereneau de Bergerac over here?

Is that the right guy?

Is that the guy?

Tell her you're the man.

Tell her you're back.

Remember that?

What was that?

That was that Brunny Dangerfield movie.

Alright, I got to go to the fucking airport.

It's 9 o'clock.

We're getting picked up in 45 minutes, and I haven't even packed yet.

Or I had my fucking breakfast sandwich there.

That's it.

That's it.

Yeah, that is it.

Go fuck yourselves.

I will check in on you on Thursday.

And I'm going to go home today.

I'm going to watch the Formula One race.

That's what the fuck I'm going to...

No, I'm not.

I'm landing and I'm going directly into the

F is for Family.

Shit.

I gotta go back and start writing there.

Okay, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on.

I already said this on Thursday.

Alright, bye.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

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