Stories From The Pool, Yachts, Cupcakes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-17-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr.

It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in.

Aren't you?

Ooh, how's it going?

Oh, Billy's 80s comedy.

I'm going to do some 80s comedy today.

I'm on vacation.

Just wrapped it up on my way back.

And I got some 80s comedy for you.

All right, here's one for you.

When your wife goes, when you walk by and you see somebody taking a picture of their wife,

Don't be that guy goes,

do you both want to be in it?

Can I take the picture?

Don't fucking do that.

Mind your own fucking business.

I just went from fucking one series of photos to now two.

You just doubled that moment in my life.

You cunt.

I understand if a woman does it.

I understand if a woman does it, but as a fucking man, as a fucking man, you don't do that.

Hey, do you want me to fucking...

No, I want you to fucking mind your own business.

I want you to shut your fucking face.

The fuck are you trying?

What are you trying to do?

Get a Good Samaritan Award?

Get out.

I don't even know if you're good at taking...

But then

the picture always sucks.

What are you, a fan of romance?

Go read a novel and stick your toes in the stand.

Get the fuck out of this selfie moment that I just want to.

You know?

You know what's funny?

I had some British guy come up to me.

He's like, right, mate.

Hey, you build it.

Oh, I'm a big fan, mate.

I don't want to bother you.

I don't want to bother you.

And he's fucking talking to me.

I know you're eating.

I don't want to bother you.

I don't want to be this guy.

Well, you just did all of that.

So what are we doing here?

And he, oh, you know,

and he goes, what?

Can I get up quick, picky?

Called it a picky.

I ended up liking the guy.

Once he said picky, I'm like, all right, I like this guy.

I said, what's up to him with the pool?

You know, you know how it is.

At first, you know,

it wasn't even him.

It wasn't him.

It wasn't him.

It was what led up to me needing a vacation.

And I was just trying to chill.

You know, and another guy came up to me, hey, I don't want to bother you.

Fucking all right.

All right.

You don't want to bother me?

And you're going to have a sweaty hand?

You can't go fist bump.

I respect the I don't want to bother you.

I get it.

I know it's going to be quick.

Fine.

Fine.

With my kid.

All right.

What are we doing?

What are we doing?

Sweaty hand.

Big fan of your comedy.

Hey, I'm a big fan of whatever virus you just put on my hand.

I'm actually having a good time out here.

All right.

And here's the last one.

Here's the last.

This is the classic 80s fucking stand-up setup and delivery.

You ever see a woman do something so fucked up to her husband that you actually low-key get mad at your own wife?

She hasn't done anything.

I was out by the pool, right?

And they had like these little cabana things.

And this couple comes out and the wife sees the cabana thing.

She's like, oh, so-and-so, they got beds.

You should have asked.

That's what she just says.

So why the fuck didn't you ask?

How come he asked to see in the future, but you don't?

That was literally like, oh, fuck, they have cabanas.

I wish we asked.

She felt beneath.

She just fucking dumped the whole dinner in his lap.

This was the sad thing.

He fucking took it.

I was down the gym.

I swear to God, dude, it's a fucking epidemic.

I'm down the gym.

Okay, you know, opposites of track.

So the woman's like type A.

She's fucking crushing the squats.

You know what I mean?

She had a hell of a time trying to move the bench over.

So she was trying to drag it over.

So I just pointed

like where the handle was to lift it up so you could use the wheels in the back.

And she gave me a fucking look, like, don't man splain them.

And I say, fucking drag it across the mat, you fucking moron, right?

So her fucking workout ends, and then she looks at the other, she looks

at her wafy husband, who's working on doing handstands.

It was impressive.

He fucking gets up from being upside down.

She goes, Are you done with your workout?

And he paused, and he just sort of shrugged.

She goes, Okay, go up to the front desk and tell the concierge.

Anyway,

I will tell you this: I had one of the best meals of my life last night with my lovely wife.

Went on a boat, on a fucking lake.

It was ridiculous.

This is how ridiculous the night was.

The end of the night,

one town over, up on this hill, one town over, they had a fireworks show and we saw it.

It was fucking amazing while we were eating.

I felt like I was in a Julia Roberts movie.

But I realized I wasn't because my wife wasn't wearing some big stupid hat.

I always feel like in her movies, she always has like a big hat,

you know.

If it's if it's like, I think that's like her nod to be like, all right, this one's for the ladies.

But if she's doing like one where she's going for an Oscar, there's no hat.

But if there's like, if this is going to be a chick flick, she has like the big, the big hat, the big Kentucky Derby hat.

I can probably name three Julia Roberts movies.

I don't know why I picked her, but that was just the first person I picked.

So anyway,

when the fuck did I talk to you guys?

Oh, I talked to you on Monday.

On Monday, I have no idea what's going on in the world, although through the MLB app, I saw the Red Sox won 10 in a row,

10 in a row, and then there's all this scuttlebut

about Devers and why we traded them and all of that type of stuff.

Something had to do with can you field ground balls at third and first base.

That's simple question.

That simple question, you know.

I mean, that's how a relationship ends with a baseball team.

You know, and I got to admit, after being on a week-long vacation here at a resort, I can see how marriages can end on just fucking one question.

Like, right when you, right as you sit down as the husband, hey, you mind taking some grounders to third and first, you finally just look at it, well, why don't you fucking go, Dick?

You got a glove.

Then that's it.

Next thing you know, you lose your house.

You know, what happened?

You're talking, you had no idea what happened.

You were in a fucking bar pool.

You were relaxing.

You had a fucking drink.

Everything was cool.

And she just asked one too many questions and

you snapped.

Anyway, I uh

what else?

Oh, I got a gig coming up in

the fuck is it?

Milan.

Milan, Lucic, Italy.

And

what was I going to say?

Somebody told me before I came over here, they're like, you got to watch out for that place in the summertime.

The mosquitoes are fucking crazy.

And

they're not crazy, but they're definitely East Coast.

You know.

Is there a pond nearby level mosquitoes?

But it's kind of cool.

Like,

during the day it's fine it's great but right at like five

right at dusk they all come out and it's like a problem

so

what I don't get is if I was mayor I would just get a bunch of bats

if there's not a cave I would make one and I would just send a bunch of bats in there

I'd get some dragonflies and I'd get some frogs

and I would just unleash and I would leave some food out, and I would just unleash these fucking predators

on these things.

Like the St.

Valentine's Day massacre, I would just take out,

you know, but the problem is, is all of these politicians,

they're in bed with these corporations.

So, like, what do the corporations do?

They're like, no, don't, don't do it naturally.

No, don't do it naturally.

Let's get some chemicals that you have to buy from us that are going to affect

the population, their health adversely, because then they'll get sick and then we'll make money off of that.

So, you'll pay us to solve the problem by creating another problem that we, air quote, have the solution for.

That's what they end up doing.

You know, I saw this fucking video talking about

something amazing that Christian Bale is doing to help out underprivileged kids.

And the caption said,

while the rest of of Hollywood flexes on yachts,

um,

yeah, that's one of the big uh misnomers of show business: that it's a bunch of people on yachts.

They show the people on yachts, but the same way,

you know, when they show like those people in the tech industry, when those fucking weirdo CEO white guys come out on stage and start fucking dancing around because because they got the next Windows thing coming out.

You know, those guys, those guys are on yachts.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

But the people that made it,

people that made it got a one-bedroom apartment.

And show business is no fucking

different.

I ran to a guy that was working a lot as a writer.

I hadn't seen him in a while.

And he's now just said, fuck the business.

He's opening a bar because the business has, as they say, shrunk.

The business is shrinking.

It's not shrinking.

It's shrinking into like five people's pockets.

That's what's happening.

You know, not to mention we had these horrific fires and the amount of people in show business that lost their houses.

Well,

Hollywood flexes on yachts.

But, you know, that is a reputation.

That Hollywood has earned because every time somebody gets a yacht or a private jet for some stupid reason, they got to take a fucking picture in front of it.

Look what I'm doing.

Anyway, so the Red Sox, all of a sudden, who knew?

Who knew?

I was like everybody else going, what the fuck are we doing?

Is our goal, as of the last, like, I don't know how many years, to basically make sure that all of our stars go to the National League West?

Sander Bogart ends up in San Diego, Mookie Betts with the Dodges,

and fucking Devers goes out to the Giants.

Who else is in that division?

Who else would be out west?

Not the A's, not the Mariners, not the Portland Trailblazers.

Oh, the Diamondbacks.

We got to give somebody to the Diamondbacks.

I don't know.

You know what's amazing is that fucking Cliff Lee.

That guy's one of the most amazing pitchers ever, except when he played for us and he kept hurting his arm and fucking punching out flat screen TVs.

And then, like, for years, for years.

And we just, oh man, no, Sale, right?

Sale.

Yeah, sorry.

Chris Sale, right?

Cliff Lee, whatever, one of these fucking guys.

Chris Sale, right?

And

then all of a sudden, he goes to Atlanta and he can pitch again.

It's unreal.

I wonder how he views his time in Boston.

He's got to like, he's got to be thinking it was us, right?

Everywhere else he went, it was fucking smooth sailing.

Second he gets to Boston, he eats one fucking lobster roll.

All of a sudden, he can't push, he can't push, he can't pitch, and he has issues with televisions.

Then he finally gets out of it.

He goes down south, you know what I'm saying?

He gets a little fucking waffle house, chicken and waffles or something.

He chills out.

He kind of sits and goes, wait a minute.

I don't hate flat screen TVs.

I love flat screen TVs.

I like watching movies.

I watch sports,

programs on nature.

He fucking settles his issues with flat-screen TVs.

All of a sudden, his arm feels better.

Now he's throwing fucking strikes.

It's very strange.

I'm trying to think if there was another athlete like that.

They like just couldn't get it fucking done.

And then all of a sudden, just overnight.

Last Red Sox I remember doing that was Roger Clements.

We just thought he was like finished.

And all of a sudden, he went to Toronto.

And it was like he turned the odometer back like 10 years.

It was unbelievable.

He started working out,

working out like a son of a bitch.

And all of a sudden, he wins like back-to-back Cy Young Awards.

Next thing you know, he's on the Yankees.

He's still going.

Then he goes to the Astros, then he comes back to the Aggie.

We're watching Clemens.

He's coming back to the Yanks, right?

I don't know.

Anyway, there should be a name for that.

There should be some sort of sports colloquialism,

whatever they say.

Anyway,

I got a show in Milan

coming up, and

then

old Billy Baggins is pretty much done for the year as far as doing road gigs.

And I'm just going to spend a whole bunch of time with my family.

That's what I plan on doing.

And

fortunately, my kids are at like the perfect age.

Actually, be honest with you, every age has kind of been great.

But this is like the perfect age of like eight and five now.

And they're really good swimmers, so I don't have to have a fucking heart attack the whole time I'm in the pool.

You know what I mean?

Where's this one?

Where's that one?

Where's that one?

Where's this one?

You know, when you do that stuff, like, there's two types of parents, those who like let their kids drown, and then those who are having heart attacks.

That's like a big trend that people, when people see parents acting irresponsibly and children getting hurt, there's this fucked up thing where people are like, yeah, we need to get back to that.

When was the last time you saw a kid with a broken arm?

It's like,

Should they be doing that?

Should they, do we have to go that far?

I know you can't helicopter parent, but you don't get to the point of like, he's going to fall and hurt himself.

Wait a minute.

He needs to learn by breaking a limb.

I don't know.

No, it was, yeah, it's sort of, I feel like my generation has this fucked up view of our childhood.

Like, we keep glorifying the 70s, 80s, and 90s.

Like, it was this wonderful time.

Like, that, and that time was not chosen

by regular regular people.

That time was

created by corporations because they went after the family.

And they created the nuclear family.

You know, instead of it takes a village to raise a kid, they would just start moving you around the country and they broke up families.

So you would have so you would be less likely to leave their company, you know, like you'd fucking get a job and they would immediately transfer you to the opposite end of the map so you'd have no friends or family and you'd be less likely to quit a job with them.

So they did that.

So that whole fucking thing, dude, we fucking raised ourselves.

We fucking did this and did, yeah, that's not because your parents wanted to raise you like that.

It's because they were in a situation.

You know, they weren't making enough money.

They're squeezing you.

They're keeping all the money.

They're flexing on the yacht and you're fucking working to make their dream come true.

That's really what was going on.

It was my opinion.

That's what was going on.

It wasn't like this like generation of fucking John Waynes throwing kids into the deep end because that's how you teach people how to swim.

It's not how you teach somebody how to swim, it's how you continue the abuse in your family tree.

You know, you ever hear that unexamined person has not examined all the fucked-up shit that happened in their childhood.

You know what these fucking kids need?

They need a good fucking slap in the mouth.

Oh, yeah.

And then what?

Then they turn out like you, you angry, drinking son of a bitch.

Oh my God, am I judgmental on this podcast?

You know what this is?

This is podcasting.

This is podcasting right after a vacation when the reality of you have to go back to work sets in.

And you have to do a rewrite on a script.

Oh, there's nothing I like better than writing a script, but going back and rewriting it,

it's like painting a room and then having to go back and repaint it

and they're like it's just a couple of touch-ups I don't know man that sounds like a whole you want me to do redo that whole fucking wall

page one repainting

anyway I've been working out this whole fucking vacation and but I've also been eating like an asshole I'm back on sugar

On my birthday, June 10th, when I was doing the play,

they got cupcakes, right?

My request, because I didn't want to have like this giant fucking cake.

So they got fucking cupcakes.

Of course, they went out and bought these micro-mini ones.

And I was like, what the fuck?

That's all I'm worth to you guys?

And they were like, no, we thought you were watching your weight or what?

I didn't want to hear it.

I was like, it's my birthday.

I'm going to pull your cupcake.

Right.

So the fucking union guys ended up getting me as a joke.

Got me like, and also, yeah, here's your fucking cupcakes, right?

And I was like, all right, I can eat one of these and I'll be fine, right?

I ate one and I had no sugar for four days.

And then I did, I ate

something else.

I forget what.

And now I'm back on it.

So

I don't know what to do here.

I know what to do.

I just have to fucking,

I was off sugar for two fucking years.

I did not smoke a cigar, though.

I still haven't.

I've gone from January 17th to July 17th,

which is about six months.

right?

It's weird.

It's six months by the calendar, months, but not by the days.

Because you think six months would be the halfway point of the year, right?

But it's this weird thing that the beginning of the year, February only has 28 days, April has 30, and June has 30.

And then on the back nine,

you know,

everything's 31

except November and September.

It would be great if they made a a rhyme to help you remember that shit.

30 days has November.

April, June, and September.

Yeah, so it's only really like 181 days.

That's how fucking like psycho rainman I get about this shit.

I go, well, it's not six months until it's, I've gone 182 and a half days.

So somewhere on July 19th.

You know, actually where I stayed in Italy, they didn't have any cigars.

They just had bullshit, right?

It was mainly like cigarettes and then a sad humor door in the corner.

So I was like, well, if I'm going to end this streak, I'm not doing it like this.

But then I saw in the hotel they had a humor door and they had two cigars left.

So

I don't know.

I'm not going to do it.

I don't have to fucking go through quitting again.

And then if I go through quitting again, then you guys have to fucking hear about it.

Anyway, let me do some reads here.

Let me do some fucking reads.

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all right young people when you go on a date do you can you can you do that with women today

do you just pull out the phone the cash with cash app and just say all right let's split the check

does that work

Considering everybody's working,

how does that work?

I have no idea.

Still feel like the the guy has to pay, right?

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My wife is really good about not hogging the covers.

I roll over and then

I take the covers with me.

You know what I mean?

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I'm like that person, like the cops show up and then I'm like just fucking naming names.

Everybody's going down with me except I do it with like a blanket thing.

She just goes, baby, baby, you're taking all the cover.

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She's totally right.

She's also really good with the pillows.

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Oh, are you listening?

Yes.

Yeah, I like doing that.

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Are you talking about how awful you are with this covers and how you roll over and take them with you?

Yeah.

You don't just turn your body, you just take their.

I know, I do.

That's from years of being alone on the road.

We've been together for 22 years.

I know, but most of that I've been on the road.

No, here's another thing.

Also, though, Nia, I had done the road forever before I met you.

You actually missed,

you came in the tail end of the dark years.

Well, no, I mean, as far as like the gigs that I was doing,

you missed all those college gig years.

Did you miss them?

I remember when you were doing like University of Idaho or

SUNY.

I missed those things no I remember when you were doing those totally I don't know why I missed them because so many of them were uh

difficult are you almost done uh-huh almost done what do you mean am I

hungry well that's what fucking go order something I want you to come with me why

because

we're on vacation

no I'm not going you're not going where well where the fuck are you going somewhere why can't you just I'm fucking sitting here

You're just sitting here running a yap.

I am running my yap.

You know what I was running my...

You know what I was?

You read your ads.

Let's go.

You know what?

I was just, I was just talking of watching these guys sitting down and their wives telling them to go do shit.

I know.

Well, guess what?

You're one of them.

Wrap it up, brother.

All right.

Well, there you go, ladies.

That's how you get away with it with a fucking sense of humor.

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But you know what?

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you know, this could be you and me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She gets fucking crazy, and then it's like, all right, all right.

You know, not saying I didn't have fun on the first date, but take it down a little there, sweetheart.

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All right, there you go.

Well, that is the

podcast.

Hey, Nene.

I can't go downstairs.

I got a Zoom call.

Yep, that's what I got to do.

So I won't be able to go down there with you.

All right, that's the podcast.

Listen to the music picked out out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themelis.

Plus, you get a bonus episode after Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Have a great weekend, you're done.

I like this game

and we're playing now.

We can save our brand

at our own restore.

We can take it slow

or turn it door.

I'm with whatever

you let me know.

I can be wherever you want me to be.

Choose your own adventure.

Yeah, it's all up to you.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Brown.

It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 17th, 2017.

What's going on?

How are you?

July 17, 2017.

I'm going to go play that number.

Remember that shit?

Maybe you still do it.

I always remember that.

If all of a sudden, you know, somebody got something like a receipt or something, and there was a couple of the same numbers.

That's what I'm going to play.

I'm going to go down there and play it on the Mega Bucks.

That's what they had in Massachusetts.

Megabucks,

my favorite one, best name ever for any lottery, I thought was Set for Life.

That was just the perfect phrase.

Every blue collar working stiff, that's what they want.

Dude, just fucking set for life.

Just sitting there having a fucking beer.

Checks rolling in.

Don't got to worry about nothing.

Set for life.

All right?

Because if you're working class, you work paycheck to paycheck, and it becomes a fucking grind.

Set for life.

Dude, I could fucking sit right here, right?

I could fucking sit right here, dude, just fucking staring at my fucking toes, and I still got that check coming in every month for the rest of my life.

You know why, kid?

Because I'm set for life.

You hear about Mikey?

Dude, he hit the fucking set for life.

He's fucking set for life, kid.

Doesn't have to do shit, fucking cocksucker.

God bless him.

Anyways, I'm in a great goddamn mood.

Why?

Because I got eight hours sleep last night, despite the fact my daughter.

Is that my daughter in there?

She's just waking up and she's trying out her voice now.

Remember when Mariah Carey used to hit those really high notes?

She's doing that.

And every time I look over, like, oh my God, she's just looking at me and she has like her legs and her arms.

Everything's like up in the air and she's smiling at you.

It's like impossible to get upset.

You just start laughing.

I was actually riffing about that this weekend in Grand Rapids going.

I wonder if that works as an adult.

You cut somebody off in traffic and they look over at you.

If you're somehow flexible enough, we could just put both arms and both legs in the air.

Just give them that fucking baby grin.

That might have been the creepiest image

I've ever thought of.

There you go.

It would just creep them out and be like, oh my God, should that guy even be driving?

I think there's something wrong with them in the mental department there.

So anyways, I want to thank everybody that came out to the shows at the Fountain Street Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

It is and it is continuing to be one of my favorite gigs I've ever done.

I know I always say I'm going to put up pictures.

Like I didn't put up a picture of my drum kit like I said I was going to, and I'll tell you why.

Because,

you know, I got these simple stands and the ones that I want, I just wanted the single bracket ones.

I don't like those double bracket like I'm going to go play in a fucking hurricane.

They weigh 9,000 goddamn pounds.

I accidentally ordered those instead of the ones I wanted.

So I had to return those, and now today I'm going to pick up the right ones.

I just want to have it all set up when you see it.

I want you to see it, right?

I want it to have the fucking right look.

I'm not going to have it like, you know, here's the car I bought, and I don't have the fucking

tires on it.

So,

but speaking of drums,

my booking agent, my Ruben Kincaid, is

you know, is telling him how much fun I have when I go on the road if I find a place where I can go play drums.

He goes, you know, we could put it in your rider that, you know, anytime you do a couple nights at a theater, they can set up a drum kit there.

I go, get the fuck out of here.

That sounds like some diva shit.

He goes, and he goes, dude, they have music acts there all the time.

It's no big deal.

So I was like, all right.

So I show up at the Fountain Street Church and they had a fucking, they had a this Yamaha kit

with this fucking horrific white trash

like leopard skin wrap.

I don't even know what I don't even know what to call it.

It was like somewhere between the stray cats way back in the day and

poison, maybe, you know.

It actually looked like the fucking stretchy pants that the slutty girls would wear at the have you metal concerts.

It was the same kind of print and i'm looking at those things going like what the fuck are these and she goes don't worry everybody always says that sit down and play them and the kick sounded amazing and i was able to thanks to my drum teacher you know i have a game plan when i try to tune something up and i got the snare to sound great and um

i went in on it was fucking hilarious i go in there on saturday to play i'm like about an hour before the doors open

So I went in there and I was fucking wailing on him.

And when I got off the kit,

I was literally like in like the place where the priest dresses and shit, puts on all the fucking flowing ponchos and shit.

And I walked out and there was no one in the church.

And I walked in the parking lot and there was like fucking six of the security guys just standing out there.

I was like, sorry.

Sorry.

It was still a lot.

It would have been great if they actually had him out on the stage.

I would have left them there for the show.

It wouldn't have bugged me, but it would have sounded fucking unbelievable.

This giant church.

And I didn't realize because, you know, last time I played there, I only played one night.

It kind of came in town.

I did it.

I was like, what the hell was that?

That was fucking incredible.

And then I left.

But

this time, you know, I was there for like two days, three nights.

And I was able to read up on like the history of it.

Listen to this shit.

This is all the people that perform there because there was no bigger venue.

That was the biggest venue in the,

I guess, western Michigan or whatever, or at least in Grand Rapids.

So if anybody big came there, they went there.

Everyone, Winston Churchill spoke there.

Helen Keller spoke there.

Blind and deaf learned how to fucking read and write and speak somehow.

Figure that one out.

Who else?

Amelia Earhart, Malcolm X.

Did I say Winston Churchill?

Duke Ellington, Ella Fitzgerald,

Dave Brubeck.

Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd,

U2 in like 1984 played there.

I think Zeppelin and Pink Floyd was obviously on their first tours.

And

that's just what I can remember trying to picture when I was looking at the wall who else I saw there.

I mean, it was fucking incredible.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

And they have like pictures of him.

And then like the little thank you notes and shit.

It was fucking ridiculous.

B.B.

King.

And then Make.

I think I said that in the video that I took, which I will actually post.

And I promise you, I'll give you a picture of my my drum kit

this week.

Um, so, anyways,

we are on to episode two of Efforts for Family.

We're recording the first one.

Just remember this, just remember me telling you this: we're recording the first one on July 18th, 2017.

You wait to see how long it takes before you fucking see it.

Fucking animation, man

takes forever.

Um,

but, anyways, let's let me talk about uh, what should I talk about about here?

How about this?

How about how great fucking Grand Rapids is?

And it's one of my favorite cities.

I was there with Dean Del Rey, and he was fucking murdering all week.

And he had a bunch of fans came out, too, people flying in to see him.

And then he went on to Detroit to go play some rock club like after

our show Saturday night.

But there was this place.

I of course forget the fucking name of it.

But they had all these old video games in there.

The fuck was it called?

And why is my stomach still growling?

I had a bowl of cereal.

Trying to starve myself before the fucking acting gig.

Oh, by the way, thank you for all your guys' suggestions, Sack/slash criticism of my dieting or whatever.

This guy goes, dude, you can't say you're crushing it.

You know, you crushed it if at night you're still having a drink or two.

It's like, you fucking, you think I don't realize that, mom?

Yes, I realize that.

But, anyways,

what was it called?

Stella's or some shit?

I can't fucking remember.

But

we went down there and evidently they had a great burger, which I didn't have.

Went to this healthy place and got this fucking wrap.

Ugh, right?

And a water.

Water.

And then we went over there because they had all these pinball machines and shit.

Me and Dean are fucking old as shit.

And we walked in there.

They only had one pinball machine, but they had all these great

old video games.

And we showed up, right?

And we we sounded like two fucking kids D just goes they got asteroids

I think we blew 10 bucks playing that

I've never been one of those guys I've never been a video game guy just haven't been because they're so fucking awesome they were like addicting but that is something remember back in the day when you would watch MTV cribs and then like these fucking people would have these video games in their uh in their houses and uh I used to always think like I always feel like you buy those and then you never fucking use them.

Like, you use it for like the first day, and then it's just like, oh, wait, I got to go to work.

You know, I have to work so I can pay for this big, giant, stupid machine that I could have just pumped a couple of quarters into and let somebody else own and deal with the fucking maintenance.

However, if I was ever going to buy one, it would be Asteroids.

And my number two is a game that not a lot of people know about.

And

I think for the most part, they've all disappeared.

It was a fucking great great game.

At least I loved it.

It was called Elevators.

And it was basically,

if I vaguely remember it, it was like spy versus spy kind of thing.

You were dressed in white and all the bad guys were dressed in black, almost kind of looking like dressed like the spy versus spy from Mad Magazine.

And you had to get in an elevator and on each floor, there were these bad guys.

And as you passed the floor, they'd be shooting at you from the right or from the left.

And you had to get all the way up to the top of the building and get something and then come back down again.

And the worst was when you were going back down again

and you'd be shooting at the guy, and the guy would duck and he'd lay down on the floor.

And as you went by, when you couldn't raise your gun up and it was just your head at floor level, he'd blow your fucking brains out.

I used to play that one.

I'd buy either one of those, I guess.

No, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't.

It's a fucking waste of money.

But whatever.

We had a great time.

And I got a killer picture of Dean in his total fucking rock star pose playing the game.

And I think he already tweeted it out.

So if you look at Dean Del Rey's Twitter thing, you can find that shit.

So we did that.

And I want to thank people at Dr.

Grin's Comedy Club.

I went down there and

did a quick spot,

you know, went up, did some jokes or whatever.

And it was funny when Dean was up there, he fucking started trashing this woman who's sitting in the front row because she wouldn't shut up.

And I said to the other comics there going, I've like,

it was one of those deals as a comedian, you'll be on stage and someone's talking and commenting on your jokes.

And then you don't realize most of the crowd can't hear it.

So you're kind of supposed to ignore it, I guess, even though it's driving you nuts.

So he just fucking snaps and trashes her.

And I was sitting in the back of the club, I said to the other comedians, it's like, you know, it's funny, we couldn't even hear what she said.

You probably should have just kept going.

I go, I've made that mistake 20,000 fucking times.

Then I went up next and I did the exact same thing, exact same thing.

And I fucking trashed her.

And then she got mad.

You know, said she was offended by some fucking joke I did about the troops or some shit like that.

It's like, no, it isn't.

No, it isn't.

I know when you got offended, you fucking egomaniac.

But I looked at it, I said something to the effect of, why would you think that you have anything interesting to say?

It was one of those lines, which was just really, you know, now that I've said it out loud and I've kind of gotten out of the emotion, it was really mean.

I went mean.

That's what I did.

I went fucking mean.

So, anyways, oh, by the way, somebody tried to scam me.

They tried to scam old Freckles.

Who do you think you're dealing with here, huh?

Some fucking bald Ralph Mouth-looking motherfucker where you are?

That doesn't mean you can scam me, though.

They almost did.

If I wasn't so fucking paranoid,

I'm hanging in the hotel and I get this phone call and I pick it up, and it's just this computer going, oh, that's saying that they were calling from Apple and that there was a problem with my iCloud, and somebody might be breaking into it.

And they go, you know, call this number, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.

So I start, and they say the number twice.

I can't remember it.

So I just start taking a guess and I punched in like out of the, you know, 10 numbers, you know, 1, 8, 8, 8, whatever, I got about six in and it immediately starts dialing.

And I somehow get connected.

Now right there, that should have like tipped me off that these people are just fishing, looking for somebody to react to it.

So I dialed like six of the fucking 10 digits I needed.

And then this guy's like, hello?

Is this it?

And I was like, Yeah, you guys just called.

Well, what is this referring to?

It's like, you fucking called me.

It's about my SoundCloud or whatever.

And they go, oh, yes, yes, you have a security problem.

And I go, well, whose fucking fault is that?

I go, why did you guys set up the cloud if it wasn't going to be like

safe?

Now you've exposed me all this shit because what?

I fucking

because I downloaded the Royal Blood fucking album.

Now, all of a sudden, somebody's going to drain my bank account, you computer cunts.

I wasn't cursing, but I was flipping out.

Then he goes, so, sir, we can help you.

We can help you over the phone.

We just need to access your computer.

I go, what do you mean access my computer?

And the guy just starts talking.

I go, I don't want to do that over the phone.

He goes, sir, this is a very, this is a secure fucking blah, blah, blah.

And I go, well, how do I know?

Because you say so?

basically I wouldn't fucking do it

just because

I was looking at I was looking at them like they were legit but I was just like well you already got hacked why the fuck would I go with you again why don't I just go to the store so it literally got to the point he goes sir this is this is a secure but ba ba ba ba ba i just kept going like well i don't even know who you are You just for all I know you're one of the guys fucking

Trying to hack into my computer dude I literally felt like I was in the born identity you know, when you don't know who to trust,

you know, and you're just fucking yelling at the other guy, going, You put your gun down, you put your gun down first, right?

So finally, he gives up on me and he goes, So, here's your case number, and uh, you know, I'll fucking, you know, he says some dumb shit.

You've been to Turkey or Jordan recently.

It's like, no, no, I saw the 30 for 30 on Lent Bias when he fucking went one-on-one against Michael Jordan.

You're calling Michigan, you fucking asshole.

So,

anyways, he ends up transferring me and it just fucking hangs up.

And then I'm like flipping the fuck out.

So, I called the guy who produces my fucking show.

And he just goes, what?

He goes, yeah, Apple doesn't call anybody.

He goes, nah, man, that's just bullshit.

So, thank God I'm a paranoid jackass or I might have let something happen there.

So, I'm just putting that out there.

Letting you know, I'm sure all you young guys know what it is, and you feel so smart, and you're gonna shake your head and laugh your ass off at me on Twitter, going like, oh,

hey, fuck it, how do you know?

Like, it's 2017.

I learned that back in 2010.

Did you?

What else did you learn?

How not to play a guitar and then still call yourself a musician?

Oh, Bill.

Oh, Bill.

Come along.

Let's not be the old guy here, huh?

I got to be honest with you.

Del Rey played me some of that Skrillex guy stuff, and I fucking really liked it.

I thought it was way different than anybody else.

And that's what I'm learning.

Whenever something new comes out, as much as your old ears listen to it and and say, what the fuck is that?

You just have to know that there's going to be the fucking, the Jimi Hendrix, the Richard Pryor, the Tom Brady, the James Brown, the fucking, there's going to be,

you got to find out who that person is of the thing that you're listening to, and then you can judge it.

Okay?

It goes back, I swear to God, it goes right back to New York pizza.

All these fucking dopes get off the fucking plane.

The first place that says famous New York pizza, they eat it, and then they go, this pizza sucks here.

It's like, no, you didn't go to the right place.

Okay?

You didn't go to the right place.

And DJs are like New York's pizza in that fucking everybody thinks they can do it.

You know, and everybody's claiming that they're the real fucking deal.

And everybody's saying they're famous.

Everybody's famous, Ray, the fucking DJ.

And

I actually, I really liked this shit.

I was like, you know what?

I could actually fucking get in a car and drive, listen to this shit, especially at night.

Like there's great, like,

driving songs, like the Who, Eminence Front.

If you ever want to win a bunch of fucking money playing poker,

that's it.

Just get your money, leave, get in your car by yourself,

the fucking window down, and you listen to that song as you drive out into the desert.

I'll tell the screen one of the top five moments of your life.

Oh, fuck you.

I'm old.

Um, anyways,

what else?

What else did I want to talk about?

Oh, did you guys watch all the Mayweather

McGregor pressers, as they call them overseas, the press conferences?

It was kind of the same thing over and over again.

With Conor McGregor, he just kept going like, what the fuck?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

He's got on a fucking track suit.

That form Voltron thing was dumb, and I loved when he trashed him on that.

But I will tell you this, watching all of those people showing up for a fucking press conference, they sold out the Barclays Center, they sold out where like the Maple Leafs play, I believe, in Toronto, the Staples Center, people showing up to watch a fucking press conference.

I can tell you this, oh, Cynical Bill's going to ruin the pay-per-view for you.

Those press conferences are going to be better than the fight.

You know, and the fucking people that are going to order that goddamn fight are the same fucking people that slow down on the highway to watch somebody change change a fucking tire.

It's like, it's just beyond,

it's beyond a spectacle.

And people go like, you know, I know it's a spectacle, but you know, I'm just going to watch it to fucking watch it.

Yeah, I know I'm getting fucked in the ass, but I want to see what it feels like.

Dude, that pay-per-view can go fuck itself.

Dude, they're riding on the same plane over to fucking London.

Get the fuck out of here.

And all the shit McGregor gives Mayweather, there's one topic he completely avoids because it would fuck with ticket sales, which kind of makes him part of the fucking bullshit of that whole thing.

You know what I mean?

It's just get the fuck out of here.

I've given that guy enough fucking goddamn money.

Given him enough fucking money.

I've gotten fucked enough.

I've gotten fucked enough by that guy.

It's professional boxers can't lay a fucking hand on him.

And I'm fucking nodding off by the eighth round as as he's poo-poo-poo-poo pointing him to fucking death.

Now he's gonna fight a guy who's not even a bar, who used to box.

I love that.

Hey, used to box, yeah.

There's a lot of people who used to do stand-up.

You want to see them do an HBO special?

Here's the bottom line: if they ever met each other in a bar and started swinging, McGregor would fucking kill him.

He'd take him to the ground, and then Mayweather wouldn't know what to do.

So they've eliminated all of that.

We know, Bill, you said that, so I don't know.

Anyways,

maybe McGregor's, I mean, Mayweather's ego, maybe tries to knock him out.

I'm just not, I'm not going to fucking watch it.

I'm really not.

I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to get out on the highway when the fucking fight is on and just cruise down the highway doing 90 miles an hour, just looking around, going like, this is what it should be like.

Like, if I was running shit, this would be the level of people that were in the world.

I was joking on my this weekend in

Grand Rapids saying, you know what I would do if I was running shit?

On the night of the Mayweather McGregor fight, I would turn all the Buffalo Wild Wings into gas chambers.

All those fucking mouth-breathing morons that wear jerseys, you know, with other men's names on the back.

All day, all day.

Do what I said, do what I called it.

All of those guys just

gone.

All of them gone.

And you'd watch.

I bet

the level of meanness on the internet would go down.

You know?

By the way, these fucking people now who just sit there and they watch CNN or Fox all day long, and then they show up to you and they just start vomiting out all this fucking fearful shit that they just watched.

And then after they do that and get you all stirred up, they don't even have the decency to offer a fucking solution.

All these fucking morons.

It's just like, why would you sit there and watch Fox News all day?

That's all you're going to do?

Watch a little CNN.

Balance out your fucking lies.

Keep yourself level.

Fucking, what's his face?

My buddy was telling me this weekend, you know, it's going to global warming is going to get so hot, you know, they're saying they're not going to be able to fly planes out of LaGuardia.

And immediately I'm thinking, like, oh, how the fuck am I going to be a comedian anymore?

You know, and then that was it.

He didn't offer any fucking solutions.

He just let me know, like, hey, in the future, you're not going to be able to do your job.

And then I'm starting to fucking think about, you know,

me and my family living out in the street.

All I want to do is just want to play a little asteroids.

You know?

If you don't have a fucking solution, don't bring up the goddamn problem, okay?

Like I brought up the Conor McGregor Mayweather,

right?

I said it's a fucking problem.

I gave you your solution.

You drive on the highway 90 miles an hour and you turn the Buffalo Wild Wings into a gas chamber.

See that?

See that?

I'm a good guy.

Everybody else is an idiot.

In my world, I'm the smartest person in the room.

Sorry.

Well,

what the fuck do you want from me?

You know?

I'm watching my kid all day today.

My wife's fucking tired.

I can't type in my goddamn password.

Well, I'm not watching her now, obviously, while I'm doing

the podcast, but that's only because I curse so much.

I'm trying not to do that in front of her, which I know I'm going to fail fucking miserably.

But I got to tell you something, dude.

Being a dad is this shit.

It really is.

I fucking love it.

You know what's the best thing about it is watching kids' shows.

I don't know if I'm a fucking moron or whatever, but I am legitimately entertained.

We started watching cars this morning.

It's tremendous.

I mean, you know what it is?

I haven't watched cartoons in so fucking long.

It's like the level of animation on those things is crazy.

Like I think I saw one of those toy stories, one or two of them.

But you know,

when you don't have a kid, it's like, you know, why would you go see one of those?

Unless you smoke weed, like, hey, man, let's get high and go see fucking toys, man,

right?

Or, you know, you're dating a woman.

They always like seeing those.

They're cute.

I like the message.

And you end up going there.

And you're just sitting there.

I just fucking, I remember one of those toy stories, like, they were going down something and they were all this conveyor belt and they went into a pit of flames.

And the level of fucking anxiety that it brought me, I got like angry at the movie.

Like, this is a fucking kids' movie.

I shouldn't be feeling this way.

Why do I care so much about about these goddamn toys?

Which is one of the reasons why I don't watch movies.

It's because I take the fucking ride.

You know, when people watch scary movies, they go, dude, that movie didn't scare me.

They all scare the fuck out of me because I just,

I take the fucking ride.

I never just, I never fucking pull myself out and look around the theater going, this is just a movie.

There's no reason to get this fucking upset.

This is stupid.

That's just an actor.

I wonder how many takes they did.

I don't do that.

I get sucked in and it's fucking over.

It's fucking over.

And then I end up getting freaked out and I walk to my car,

you know, and I'm thinking of the fucking Blair which is going to get me.

All right,

I think I've babbled long enough here.

Let's do a little bit of

some advertising.

Let's get to actually the funniest part of the podcast, me trying to read out loud.

All right, what are we up to?

34 fucking minutes.

Oh, you know what?

I didn't even talk about the F1 race.

Did you guys watch it?

Did you check it out?

Lewis Hamilton closing the gap, only down by one point catching up on Sebastian Vettel what happened to the Ferraris

out there in fucking Great Britain

what was it Kimmy Rakinen whatever his fucking name is he's driving he's in third place he's loving life for second place whatever he was in his front tire

fucking blows out with like fucking four or five laps to go

And then he fucking gets on the radio.

The towns are like,

and he goes for the fucking front attire, right?

So he's got to go in.

Vettel moves up.

He's going to be on the podium.

As much as fucking

Lewis Hamilton's going to pick up 25 points, he's going to pick up at least fucking 15, if not 18.

Right?

Who knows?

You know?

And all of a sudden, fucking two laps to go.

His fucking tire goes out.

Front left one.

Right?

And then all the Italians are like, mom, mamia, right?

And fucking Vettel's all goddamn pissed.

I think I have a, I think I know who my favorite fucking driver is, though.

I like that, however you you say his first name,

Valteri Botas.

That guy, that guy can fucking drive.

He went from ninth place all the way to second place.

Now, I know I've talked about Lewis Hamilton and these guys going from fucking, you know, ninth, like, what's his face yesterday?

The Australian fucking dude there.

The happiest guy in fucking Formula One.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I swear to God, if I don't know the fucking names in front of me, you know what it is, is that Rakinen, there's too many R's.

There's too many fucking, like, crazy fucking, the nerve of these people to be from like other cultures.

Was it Dave?

Is it Dave?

Dave fucking

Jesus.

I only met the fucking guy.

I've only been rooting for him.

Daniel Ricardo.

There we go.

I knew the fucking would pop back into my head.

As much as those guys have gone from like 19th to fucking, you know, 7th or 8th or 15th to whatever.

I think it's harder to go from 9th all the way up to second because you're getting to like the best of the best drivers.

to fucking go past driver number five four three to get all the way up to that starting way as far back as he did with the mercedes once again having a gearbox issue that's what happens with mercedes they have a gearbox issue and they get a five spot fucking penalty and evidently i don't know who the fuck it is that's supposed to be working on that fucking shock absorber on the front left-hand side of the car or the fin or the fucking tire whatever the fuck it is one of those guys wearing the underroots with the helmet on in the the pit.

Somebody back there is getting a fucking, is getting no pasta this week on the Ferrari team.

So, um,

what's his face?

Vettel was up by like, I don't know how many fucking points.

Um, I forget what place he came in.

I think he got like six or eight points, and he was up by like

he was up by 20 points before the race started.

I can do the math here.

And by the end of the race, he was only up by one.

This is like a fucking math test.

So, Lewis Hamilton got 25 25 points.

So he outscored him by fucking 24.

So what did he come in 10th place?

He got one point?

No, that'd be 24.

He got four points.

All right, so he came in like eighth, right?

I think he came in eighth.

All right, whatever.

Why the fuck would you care?

So they got one more race before they take the break in the summertime.

Like their lives aren't fucking great enough.

They're part of like literally 20 people who can do this in the fucking universe.

All right?

They get to take the fucking summer off, unlike these poor bastards that play fucking baseball, who got to pay like fucking six to seven games a goddamn week.

You know?

These guys get to take the summer off.

Granted, they have to still diet, you know.

But you know, even if they have like a shake, then they can fucking get rid of it, banging a supermodel.

You know, fuck sweat it out of them.

I mean, their lives are unbelievable.

Lewis Hamilton and fucking,

what's his face?

Botas?

They both live in Monaco.

It's unbelievable.

It's like, it's not enough that, you know,

he's got the private jet.

Like, these fucking guys' lives are unbelievable.

It's fucking tremendous.

God bless them.

Hey, what's going on with the fucking the other Red Bull team that's not Red Bull?

The blue ones?

The fucking,

what the hell?

What are they?

The Toro Rosa fucking team, whatever the fuck they're called.

Jesus Christ, they were doing their impression of the Force India team.

Fucking slamming into each other.

I love when that happens.

I love that.

It reminds me of that fucking

movie, Step Brothers.

They're doing like the Formula One version of putting their balls on Will Farrell's drum kit.

Oh, no, he put it on the other guy's drum kit.

That's right.

I don't know.

Anyways, let's get to the fucking questions this week.

Oh, by the way, All Things Comedy's own.

Ari Shafir's new double Netflix special airs Tuesday,

July 18th.

Both

both double negative children and double negative adulthood will be available in 190 countries.

That's incredible, huh?

The reach, the sheer reach of Netflix.

All right, feminism, everybody.

Let's do some fucking reads here for the goddamn week, shall we?

I got 20 minutes left here in this fucking podcast.

All right, feminism.

Bill, on a recent podcast, when discussing stewardesses and air travel, you mentioned that you sometimes

think,

I think you meant to say think, feminism is a way for ugly women to get jobs that attractive women used to have.

I said that.

Why do you guys take anything I say seriously?

You understand?

I'm just riffing for a fucking hour and I'm trying to make you laugh by saying ridiculously over-the-top things.

Somebody's going to write me in a few weeks ago, hey Bill, a few weeks ago on your podcast, you suggested turning Buffalo Wild Wings into gas chambers on the night of the Mayweather McGregor fight.

Just to let you know, I am a parent.

I am not a fight fan, but I do enjoy the fucking

jalapeno balls, whatever the fuck they're called,

at Buffalo Wild Wings.

And what if I was there?

Anyways,

I wonder if, okay,

evidently, I said that feminism is a way for ugly women to get jobs that attractive women used to have.

That's fucking hilarious.

I don't necessarily believe that, but there is an element of truth to that.

Like, you know, when they always bitching, like, you know, Hollywood creates this impossible image of beauty.

It's like, no, you can't, you can't,

you're a fucking egomaniac.

I don't think when I look at a Brad Pitt, whoever the fucking guy is now, Brad Pitt's like in his 50s now.

So whoever the fucking shredded, who's the guy from Save by the Belt, Mario Lopez?

You know, when I look at him with his pigment and his fucking abs and all that, I don't fucking go, like, this is an impossible fucking,

oh, Jesus.

This is an impossible standard for me to

standard for me to hold up to and therefore Mario Lopez shouldn't be on fucking TV anymore.

I just understand that, yeah, you know what?

On a good day, maybe I'm a six,

okay?

That's what I am.

Not everybody can bat cleanup in the order, okay?

If you fucking bat Nath, quit your crying and get on base.

That's it.

Maybe I do believe that on some level.

Anyways, I wonder if you know that this is actually Russ Limbaugh's undeniable truth of life number 24, specifically that feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women to

access to the mainstream of society.

Here's the thing.

I'm saying this shit.

I'm like 90% joking.

There's always like an element of truth.

That guy, as far as I can tell, because I don't know what his act is it might all just be an act You know so he can he because he is in show business So I have no idea it could just be an act but if you actually truly believe that I don't I listen I don't believe that okay

Feminism came about because men were not allowing women to pursue their dreams Okay,

but like any cause Any cause, for whatever reason, along the way, a lot of the times you end up becoming what the fuck you were fighting.

Okay, and that's not this unique thought.

I realize that's a hacky thought, but it's fucking true.

The level of bullying that goes on on the internet and trying to get people to get fired and trying to create firestorms and

trying to show the power of women by a lot of times attacking people who you're deliberately and knowingly taking what they said out of context and causing them to not have a fucking job is fucking reprehensible.

All right?

And they, in a lot of ways, do the same

reptilian, if the ends justify the means.

Corporate fucking mentality.

Just some of this shit that is said out there.

Yeah, look, I don't think that it's actually that, but sometimes I think it's that.

You know, there are jobs that you should only get if you're good looking.

You know, I really believe that.

Like, like,

when you get, you know, the first person that they're going to fucking walk in,

the top of your order, you got to go with Ricky Henderson, you know, you got to get somebody who's going to get on base.

You're going to put the fucking pitcher up?

You know, and I feel like I can say this because of how I look.

Like, if I ran a company, I'm not putting me on the front desk like I'm the first person you're going to see.

Why would you do that?

We're trying to make money here.

You know, I don't know.

High High school's over.

Look in the mirror.

Love yourself.

But have a sense of humor about yourself.

Know that you're not perfect and just know that it's okay.

And you know what?

A lot of times, if you stare into that shit and you have a sense of humor about yourself, you're fun to be around.

How many times do I call myself a pasty, bald, freckled fucking jackass?

I'm telling you, you fucking stare into it and you fucking age gracefully.

All right?

You're starting to lose your fucking hair.

You just shave your fucking head and just be that guy.

And everybody's like, What the fuck?

And then, but you know what?

You deal with it.

Then people fuck, they respect you.

Look at this guy.

Came down the pike.

He didn't even try to shake it off.

He took the pitch right to the side of the head.

There he is.

He's standing on first base.

Good for you, you ugly, bald son of a bitch, right?

And this is the thing, too.

I know that they need ugly, bald, son of a bitches in movies, and I'll just audition for that.

At the end of the fucking day, I'm in a movie.

Am I really going to complain?

You know, I feel that fucking

fucking bald, freckled redheads should be starring in more movies.

It's like, oh, yeah, you want to put your money, put your money where your mouth is.

You go finance that fucking movie.

Yeah, in a lot of ways, that's one of those things where everybody should get like a

ribbon.

I mean, I don't know what the solution is, but you like competition is a good thing.

Okay, and the best,

you know,

the best should should win, right?

Like,

I'm all with it as far as everybody should have the same opportunity.

But after that, go fuck yourself.

Whoever's the best gets it.

You know, not like, well, we have enough of these people or enough of those.

No, who are the fucking best, okay?

When we have to keep doing that, because at some point, if the aliens aren't already here, they're coming here, and we need to have an all-star fucking team, not a team that makes everybody feel represented.

All right?

There we go i hope i explained myself or you know i'll know if i'm right if i don't get a call from the rush limbaugh show asking me if i want to be a guest

all right brother acts feminine

dear billy boyo

uh relative relatively new fan here i loved your material love your material and i hope to see you live one day well thank you before i start i want to say that I don't care if my brother is gay.

To each his own is my motto.

Okay, now for the backstory.

There you go.

That's what I do.

You've established, you've given yourself credibility because you said that you're a good person.

Alright, I'm 17, about to be a senior in high school.

My brother is 11 and is about to start middle school.

I feel like other kids will view him as an easy target for a few reasons.

First, he doesn't have many guy friends and he hangs out with a lot of ladies.

Second,

I try to do masculine things with him.

I play baseball, so I always ask him to play catch with me, and I even offer to teach him how to play the sport.

He usually says no.

When I try to do any sort of physical activity with him, he rejects my request and just does his own thing.

Third, his body language is quite feminine.

He sits like a girl, talks like a girl, and moves his hands like a girl.

You know what I'm saying?

And the thing that ladies and gay guys do with their hands.

Oh, you know what I'm saying?

The thing that ladies and gay guys do with their hands.

When they talk, my gut tells me to sit down and have a talk with him, but I don't want to come off too blunt and hurt his feelings.

Then again, that could be what he needs.

I think if I tell him what I'm thinking, he'll just blow it off.

Just like me, he's very hot-headed.

Sorry about the hyphen.

I personally blame his behavior on the pussification of society over the past few years and the very progressive environment of modern-day schooling.

He's a good kid, and he's got a good head on his shoulders, so I'm not worried about anything else.

I'm just looking out for him.

I don't want any dickheads messing with him.

I used to get bullied, so I know how it feels.

What do you thinks?

Thanks for your help and go fuck yourself.

All right.

I think you're 17, and I think you love your brother, and you're trying to protect him.

Here's the deal, dude.

I mean, your brother is who your brother is.

You got to accept that.

And

I don't know how you handle the bullying thing, which is what I really think is what you see when you look at your brother is like this kid's going to get the shit kicked out of him.

Which is,

you know, sad to say, you know, hopefully not as much

as when I was coming up.

But yeah,

that is a

legit concern.

But

I don't think you listen, people are born how they're born.

Okay?

I don't know if this kid's gay or not.

I don't know what.

what, but if he doesn't want to play catch, he doesn't want to play catch.

And if he's hard-headed, you know,

he said he's a smart kid.

He's hot-headed.

He knows what he wants.

So just let him be himself.

And you support him.

And there's no reason why this kid, oh, he doesn't like to do physical shit.

I was going to say, take him down to a dojo, teach him how to fuck somebody up.

And the fact that he is effeminate, if he goes and fucks somebody up, that's going to be humiliating for the other person.

And then nobody else is going to want to fuck with them because they don't want to get beat up by him.

Bruce Lee used to do that.

Bruce Lee used to, I read this book.

He used to walk around, he would act all effeminate, and then these guys would come up and fuck with him.

And then he would kick the shit out of them.

People asked him, well, why would you do that?

He said, well, if I just walked up like a regular dude, you know, they got their ass kicked, they could get over it.

But if, you know, they thought they got their ass kicked by a sissy, you know, it stays with them.

And unfortunately, that is something with guys.

If,

you know, if people were more progressive or whatever the fucking word is, they wouldn't think that and they'd just be like, well, it doesn't make a difference if you're a feminine or masculine.

If you can fucking throw hands over there with a couple of featsies,

I can accept the loss.

Listen, I would just,

if anything, I would try to have a closer relationship with my younger brother.

And

I would ask him how his days are going.

And I would just literally ask him, is anybody at school fucking with you or whatever?

And if they are, i don't know i would go down and have a fucking talk i don't know if he could do that i don't know what to do i don't know what to do but that would that as an older brother that would kill me knowing that somebody could be fucking with my younger brother so i think you come from a good place uh your ideas of uh

you know how to cure him of that are understandable because you're 17.

i don't think it's society's fault um

i i just think that's just how he's born and i think if you accept it he will accept it and he'll keep a good feeling about himself.

But

unfortunately, the bullying is going to come and he's going to have to learn how to stick up for himself.

I mean, that's just the truth of it.

And

there's all kinds of things that you could do that I'm not allowed to say on the podcast as far as what he could do in those moments because somehow I become this fucking bad person.

But

I'm just going to tell a random story here.

I remember the late Charlie Murphy, rest his soul.

He told me what to do if you ever go to jail.

And I just remember,

he was like,

you know, not that I could still survive.

He was just like, yo, this is what you do.

He goes, the first motherfucker that steps to you, he goes, you just turn into a wild animal, frothing at the mouth, and you just fucking swing for the fences.

And everybody, you know, I'm oversimplifying what the fuck he said.

And,

you know, that's just a story he told me.

That has nothing to do with what I just fucking

read.

Okay, I want to do that so I stay free and clear.

I don't know what to tell you, buddy.

All right.

Let him be who he is.

And, you know, I would watch some MMA events with him and maybe he'll want to learn how to fucking do it.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Because I watched some cool videos of some kids that were way out of their own weight class.

This one fucking kid fucked this kid up, jumped up, put him in a fucking arm bar.

This kid didn't even know what the fuck to do.

Maybe that you can help him out with that, but

yeah, I would let go of all that other shit that you're going to fucking.

I mean, if like

you're who you are.

I mean, if somebody wanted you to go out in the driveway and to learn how to twirl a baton, you just would still be you, but you'd know how to twirl a baton.

I don't think it would change how you walked or behaved or who you hung out with.

You're wired how you're wired.

All right.

Girlfriend wants to move back to her home.

That's like those fucking people that, you know, that would try to cure gay people.

You know, they think that

they have the mumps or something.

Girlfriend wants to move back to her home country.

All right.

Hey, Bill Hill, if the guy took the woman's last name in marriage.

That's funny.

All right.

Long time listener, first time adviceica.

I live in London.

I met my girlfriend online a year and a half ago.

She's 25 and I'm 24.

She's from Switzerland.

See, this is what happens now to all these fucking dating apps.

Fun fact about Switzerland.

They have enough nuclear bunkers to accommodate their entire population.

Yeah, that's because they're so close to fucking Germany.

They moved here a few years ago to get a music.

She moved here a few years ago to get a music degree and graduated.

graduated last year.

She was going to move in with a friend a few months ago, but her best friend did a 180 at the last second.

So we decided to move in together as we enjoy each other's company here's the shit part she always said that she misses her family and her friends a lot which is of course understandable but recently she's been mentioning that she wants to move back to switzerland once our lease is up next year i completely get why she would want to do this she doesn't have many friends here

uh as many of her

college friends have moved back home.

The thing is, I have an established career here and I don't want to leave my friends or job behind to go move to a country where I don't speak the language.

I've tried, but there are hardly any courses for Swiss/slash German.

And the market for my skills is much smaller.

I'm a magician and academic tutor.

Jesus, there's a fucking combo.

Whenever she brings it up, I answer with variations of, well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but I'm pretty sure I'm never going to come around to the idea.

She has made the point a couple of times that this would be me choosing my career and friends over her, which makes it sound worse than it is.

What should I tell her?

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Well, she's choosing her country and her family over you.

So I would say nicely, listen, you keep saying that this is me choosing my career

and, you know,

what she say, my and friends over her.

Do you know that feeling you have when you live here in London?

That's what I'm going to feel like when I'm in Switzerland.

Do you want me to feel that?

No.

Well, good.

I don't want to feel that either.

So

one of us has to make a sacrifice here.

Are you willing to live here?

And if she says no, then you have to be willing to live there.

And if you're not willing to do that, then you guys need to break up.

It's simple as that.

Simple as that.

I would fucking.

That's that's it, dude.

You know, you gotta fucking

these goddamn kids today, you know, fucking swiping left and X CNL.

Yeah, my girlfriend lives in fucking Bangladesh, and she's really missing some of the food over there.

And I, you know, and I fucking, you know,

whatever the fuck I do over here.

I mean, these are like modern day relationship fucking problems.

Yeah, that's it.

One of you guys has to move.

But don't let her guilt you.

And she's not choosing her and her friends.

You're doing what she's doing.

You're living where you want to live next to the people you love, and you can't get mad at her for wanting to do the exact same thing.

All right, but you know,

she's trying to mind fucking, you know, for me, I just feel like you're choosing this.

Go fuck yourself.

All right, well, go back home then.

Send me some chocolates.

We'll bang every once in a while.

We'll meet in Paris.

How about that?

That's it.

I don't know what to tell you.

All right, girlfriend, you came to my place, not the other way around.

Girlfriend's belly hangs past her tits.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey there, Bill.

Hey there, Billy Willie, freckled cheeks.

I love the podcast, especially when you and Nia do the podcast.

I know, and I got to get her on here more, but it's just like when I do it, she has to watch the kid and the other way around.

All right.

I got a problem that I'm hoping you and Nia may be able to help me with.

I love my wife of seven years dearly.

We have fun together, make each other laugh, etc.

She's my best friend.

We're in our early 30s, have no children, and are very affluent, crushing it, except for the sex.

The sex is bad because we have become fatty, fat, fat, fats.

We've been together for a decade,

and this has only become a problem over the past six months.

I'm 5'11 and 240 with a lot of muscle and a lot of fat.

She's 5'4 and 200 and has no muscle mass.

I'm ashamed to say that even though I love her fiercely, she's no longer physically attractive to me.

Well, I mean, what the fuck?

I mean, you're just being honest, I'm sure you're not as attracted to her.

Although you did give yourself some props for having a little bit of muscle.

You didn't quite say you was as big a mess.

I'm ashamed to say that he, okay, she probably feels the same.

Okay, he said that.

She probably feels the same.

She used to be 140, tops, and was curvy in all the right places.

I used to be cut like a Greek god.

Our sex life was amazing.

She'd have one to three orgasms.

Jesus Christ, every time we had sex,

one to three times per weeks.

And now maybe we have sex once a month.

She can't climax anymore because she gets too tired.

Jesus, over the past six weeks, I've cut 10 pounds and exercised six times a week.

I'm trying, trying, but I have a long way to go.

She isn't trying to eat right and is not interested in exercising with me.

I know sex tends to dwindle over time, but I'd like for us to be in good enough shape that we don't need a nitroglycerin pill every time we try to do the dirt.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

You have to sit down and have an honest conversation with her.

Okay?

I would leave the sex life out of it.

It's just like she's not going to live long.

All right?

At 5'4, 200 pounds,

maybe you could start by going for, quote, romantic walks.

And you hold her hand and you try to pick up the pace and drag her along.

I would just, yeah, I would talk to her

about it.

And if she chooses not to get in shape,

then

I would not alter what you're doing.

I would go back to being the Greek god that you were.

And

if she doesn't want to get in shape, then,

you know, what are you supposed to do?

Watch her eat herself into an early fucking grave?

You're supposed to be with somebody that you're not sexually attracted to anymore?

I mean, that's fair, man.

If somebody puts on almost like

she put on almost half her body weight.

I mean,

that's not fair.

It's not fair to yourself, and it's not fair to the person you're in.

You got to be making an effort to still look good.

You know, and people have a tendency, men and women, to do that, to become, you know,

you know, just walking around in fucking shitty-looking clothes, just being a tub of shit.

And it's just like that whole, you should accept me for whatever I am.

That means I'm going to be the least of who I could be.

Nobody ever says that when they're the best.

Yeah, I'd like to accept you fucking going to the goddamn gym.

Same way you'd like me to not fucking have my belly hanging down past my junk.

Yeah, I'd have a conversation with her.

Just sit down.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe

my beautiful daughter's asleep.

Maybe

Nia can come in and help.

Hang on a second.

Let me hit pause here.

Ah, she can't do it.

She can't do it.

Sorry.

Sorry to get your goddamn hopes up.

So just know that

you just got advice from a guy.

So what I would do is I would ask

a woman in your life, not her, advice on how to drop in.

Okay, because this is one of these relationship conversations.

It's like when a spaceship is re-entering the atmosphere, the space shuttle, that if it wasn't at the right fucking angle, you know, or you lost a couple of those fucking shingles on the bottom, you could fucking burn up on re-entry.

All right, did I really have to bring up that tragedy to make my point?

I don't know.

Maybe I didn't.

All right, girlfriend has severe halitosis.

Jesus Christ, the women are getting destroyed.

Ladies, ladies, you got to write in next week.

Okay, you got to write in next week, okay?

Stop being sweethearts and tell me what the problem is with the guys.

This is not fair and balanced like Fox News is

or CNN.

I love that chick that cried on CNN, the one with the Mary Lou Retton haircut when Trump got elected.

It's just like, it was one of the most unprofessional journalistic moments I've ever seen in my fucking life.

How did we go from Walter Cronkite to that?

Like, I literally know who you voted for.

You're not a journalist.

All right?

Hey, there, op-ed piece.

All right, girlfriend has severe halitosis.

Dear Billy Batts, I saw you perform at Hilarities in The Land.

The worst fucking nickname.

The land.

The land of what?

Jesus Christ, that's so fucking bad.

And you had me in stitches.

Please come back.

The land.

They had t-shirts back there.

Defend the land.

Do you know for half a second in Boston,

there's people calling it the bean?

Don't do that.

Beantown was bad enough.

We don't make beans there anymore.

Any more than Porchester still makes fucking lifesavers.

Although Grand Rapids still makes furniture.

Okay, anyways, I'm a 23-year-old man and recently began dating a girl I met on a dating app.

We've been on two dates and she has bad breath.

Dump her.

Jesus Christ.

Over.

The fuck do you care?

It's not your problem.

Anyways, we've been on two dates so far and they both went great.

We went to a couple of museums.

Well, how far away were you standing from her?

Were you standing there going, is that her breath or the artifacts?

Is that her breath or that fucking woolly mammoth statue that they dug out of the fucking ice 2,000 years ago?

Anyways,

actually, woolly mammoths were fucking 4 billion BC.

Go fuck yourself.

All right.

We have a good conversation and there's great chemistry overall.

But when she smiles, the sight and smell indicates years of not brushing or flossing.

Dude,

I don't even know the fact that you need advice on this.

There is thick, dark yellow buildup along her gum line.

Oh my god, I'm gonna puke.

And she talks loud, so her breath travels a long way.

Kissing is difficult to enjoy.

Oh my God.

Dude, this is gross.

I almost just gagged her.

I almost just gagged her.

Dude, what kind of fucking low self-esteem do you have?

What is my advice?

Either break up with her or take her to one of those self-power washes, car wash things, and tell her to smile and fucking blast her right in the fucking grill.

Jesus fucking Christ, that's the most disgusting visual.

Oh my God.

What the fuck?

What is my advice?

I don't know what.

You know what?

My advice is they should make a stamp for you because you're a goddamn saint.

Oh my God.

Kissing is difficult.

Ugh.

Oh my God.

I think I got to walk this one off.

Buddy.

There's plenty of fucking fish in the fucking sea.

Jesus Christ.

Oh my God.

That's like having a, speaking of a fish, that's like having a goddamn eel going along your goddamn gumlines.

I'm sorry, guys.

Like, I don't know why.

Yeah, dude, I would just, that's it.

It's over.

There should be no, no.

I mean,

you're going to hang in there with this one?

What the fuck do you say?

Hey, what are you doing Thursday night?

Nothing.

You want to go to the dentist?

Let's get his or her cleanings.

Oh, my God, dude.

If that looks like that, what is the fucking basement going to look like, dude?

Oh, my God.

Oh my God.

Hey, God bless you, dude.

Yeah, I get her to a dentist.

However the fuck you bring that up.

I don't know.

Some questions are beyond me.

All right?

Jesus Christ.

All right, that's the.

I've never had to stop reading an email before.

I haven't done that.

I haven't come that close to puking since Opie and Anthony, the baby bird, when I was in that fucking room.

And I still to this day cannot tell that story without fucking gagging and coughing.

And if you puke easily, do not fucking go look up Opian Anthony baby bird.

All right, that's it.

That's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves.

I will check in on you on Thursday.

I am back to watching a little bit of baseball.

I did miss the Yankees.

I was working the whole weekend.

I think the Yankees got the better of us.

I know we did win one game.

Yankees are in third, and the fucking Devil Rays are moving up.

They're only half a game out.

So I'm going to try to watch.

We're playing the fucking Toronto Blue Jays.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Fucking

Toronto Blue Jays there.

That was my reference to whatever that fucking song is by Rush.

That is the Morse code

YYZ

for Toronto's airport.

Somehow they came up with a guitar riff for that.

All right?

That's something Kevin Murphy would try to do on Efforts for Family.

Huh?

Season two on Netflix.

Look at that.

Coming out of that disgusting story, promoting his show, telling you to go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.

So love to you.

We can dance under the moonlight

to the stars.

Come get lost

in my arms.

I

can

you

try to sacrifice, ain't gonna do it.

I just wanna look in your eyes.

Well,

yeah, I need you.

Oh, yes, I do.

I can't breathe without your love.

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