Milan, Hotel Light Controls, Puking | Monday Morning Podcast 7-21-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday 2025.

What's going on?

How are you?

How's it going?

Oh, geez, what are you doing?

Are you doing what everybody's doing right now?

Is that what you're doing?

Are you just listening to the information that you agree with rather than all of the information?

That's what people do.

It's what I do.

It's what everybody does.

I don't want to hear that.

I want to hear this.

I like this.

I don't like that.

I listen to this.

It makes me feel like I'm right.

Then I feel like I have control.

I don't like what you say.

I don't like the that.

What if I was to tell you that the answer is this and that?

How about it's everybody's right?

And if you put it all together, then you get the fucking truth rather than

just fucking leaning.

You know, I saw this woman the other, to one side or the other.

I saw this woman the other day, and she was fucking

showing the claws of lions while they were sort of snoozing.

I don't know where she was.

There was no context on how she became bros,

you know, and besties

with the male and female lions, but they were just sort of like,

you know, chilling.

And she's going, Look at this, and there's the fucking claw, and this gets a buildup.

We need to work on that.

And she came up, pat him right on the head.

Oh, yeah, yo, yo, yo, like a fucking dog.

Unreal.

Unreal.

And then at one point, one of them just stretched and scratched her fucking leg, and she goes, oh, you got me.

Yeah, it's a fucking lion.

What are you doing?

The fuck are you doing?

Petting a lion.

That has to be.

You don't love animals.

Do you have an ego issue?

There's something going on that you would fucking do that and film it.

You know what I mean?

Because Because we all have to see how, you know,

lions eat you, but not me.

They dig me, man.

I'm fucking bros.

You can't be friends with a lion.

Jesus Christ.

Can you see the red flags at the beginning of this relationship?

It's a fucking lion.

Oh, I raised it.

I don't give a shit.

Fucking thing weighs like 800 pounds.

Just you're going to come home and it's going to jump on you like a fucking dog.

It's going to crush your rib cage.

Those things take down those fucking...

Sometimes they get killed.

Whatever those, those, those

giant bulls-looking things.

They fucking take...

Oh, Jesus, I ate too much fucking food here.

I've been eating like a fucking animal.

My stomach's fucking.

I ate so much when I was in Italy, like two fucking nights I went out and I just said, fuck this, I'm eating like a chef, and now I'm paying for it.

And I got addicted to sugar again.

Happened on my birthday.

I fucking had a cupcake and I was like, I'll just have one, you know, and I had it.

And then, like, I've been off, but now I'm back.

I'm not fucking with sugar anymore.

But Jesus Christ, that stuff, dude, it's like, it's like you took a hit off the fucking crackpipe.

You just, you know, that's why I didn't have a fucking cigar when I was in Italy.

I just said, fuck it, I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it because I know it's going to happen.

I'm going to have one and then I'm going to wait four days and be like, yeah, see, I'm not addicted.

And then I'm going to have another one on the fifth day.

And the next thing you know,

I'm going to be smoking like I'm at the fucking track.

I'm just not doing it.

I don't know.

Plus, where I stayed in Italy, they didn't really have a bunch of places to buy cigars.

They had them in, you know, those

the worst place ever to buy cigars, the place that also sells like lottery tickets and bubblegum.

And they're like, you got cigars here?

And they got this little fucking sad humor door behind the register.

It's just like, I'm not fucking,

I'm not trying to make a blunt here.

Do you have a fucking cigar?

Anyway.

Plowing ahead.

So I had a great time when I was in Italy.

I did the show in Milan.

It went fantastic.

The crowd was awesome.

And I got to tell you guys this shit.

I'm going to tell you something.

I've done that fucking Luigi joke.

That fucking Luigi, the kid who shot the CEO.

I've done that in

LA, New York City, London, Abu Dhabi, and now Milan, Italy.

And it fucking...

murders.

The second I bring that kid's name up, everybody goes nuts applauding.

You know, it's one of the great things about travel is you learn that we're all looking at it the same fucking way.

There's just a whole bunch of people out there that are busting their asses and they're not getting paid their worth.

And then there's these CEO cunts taking all the money for themselves.

And just watching CNN and Fox News, both of them, not telling the truth of that.

It's just fucking, you just know who they're working for.

You know who they're working for.

They're not working for you, although that's what they say.

That's how they act.

It will never cease to amaze me watching

people listening to billionaires.

I guess if you're a billionaire and people are happy

and they get benefits and they're treated all right, I would listen to somebody like that.

Like, all right, this person made a bunch of fucking money and they didn't forget where they came from.

And, you know, if you work for them, they, you know, him or her, they treat you right.

But like most of them, they treat them like shit.

Underpay all of them, fuck over all of them.

But people sit there, you know, every fucking election, there's some fucking billionaire now telling you,

oh, yeah, you know, it's those people over there, it's this country.

Nobody, it's you, it's you, you cunt.

It's you.

But

it's not going to happen.

No one will ever wake up to that.

Because Because of racism, sexism, homophobia, fucking shit about religion, racism, all of that shit.

Fucking red state, blue state,

Hollywood, Texas, Florida, New York, California.

They got us so fucking...

It's a masterpiece.

Fucking masterpiece.

Even when we all agree on something, very quickly we all start fucking arguing.

They got bots in there just stirring it up.

If everybody's agreeing about Luigi, then a bot will come in and just be like, A murder is murder.

I don't give a fuck.

And then everybody's like,

and then we just start fucking arguing.

Well, you can blame Joe Biden for that.

Millionaires, they're like mean girls, just walking around starting rumors about everybody.

Anyway,

when I was in Milan, Italy, doing my shoe,

I was with my lovely wife, and she wanted to go to this sandwich place because Gwyneth Paltrow went there and was like, oh my God,

this is like my fucking favorite sandwich.

I love this fucking sandwich, right?

It's not how she talks, but like, I don't know.

Like the level of fucking people taking pictures of their food now.

Nobody cares what you ate.

Nobody cares.

Everybody else is waiting to eat.

Can we start?

I shouldn't say nobody cares because those food things, everybody fucking loves them.

I don't give a fuck about like, you know.

Somebody like like that's like a big thing.

Everybody's got to like fucking, oh my God, there's this fucking spot you you have to go to.

It's like, well, now you don't.

You fucking ratted it out, and I'm going to go down there, and there's going to be 20 fucking people in line.

This is how you use Instagram.

When somebody tells you to go to a fucking restaurant, what you do is you go across, you go to that restaurant, and then go across the street.

Go to that restaurant.

And what they lack in good food, they make up in with lack of having to fucking wait.

Sorry, I'm an impatient person.

Anyway, so I was out here

and I rented a Vespa,

which I've always been nervous to like rent a fucking scooter and ride around a city I don't know anything about.

But I was finally like, listen, I'm riding a fucking motorcycle.

I can handle a goddamn Vespa.

So I rent this thing, right?

And

I go,

I take it around the block and I go, all right, Nia, get on this thing.

Let's go ride up the coast here.

So where were you staying?

We were staying on this lake, right?

So there's really only kind of like one main road.

So I should have gone left, but I went right instead.

And

this little blue and white, adorable Vespa.

And Nia's having like a great time.

So she's riding on the back.

And very quickly we go, you know, we wind through this little rural area.

Then we're into another town.

And then the town ends.

And there's like this mountain that fucking

meets the lake.

So all of a sudden I get on this on-ramp.

I'm like, wait a minute, is this like like the fucking highway?

And it was a two-lane thing and I got on it

and we went through the tunnel of the mountain.

I was like, wow, that was like cool.

And then I looked in my rearview mirror.

There was a guy right on my ass and it was like 50 kilometers.

So now I'm doing 55.

He's on my ass.

I'm doing 60.

He's on my ass.

I'm doing 65.

He's on my ass.

And I got this thing fucking, you know, wide open.

I got no more.

It's a fucking scooter.

And it's got two adults on it.

So I'm going as fast fast as I can.

We get in this fucking tunnel.

The guy's right on my ass.

I got motorcycles passing me on the fucking left.

And I'm just like, ah, like trying to get through this thing.

And then we would get to another town.

And then we would just sort of da da da da da da da da da da da through the town.

And then we would be back like, ah, going through like a fucking tunnel.

Like one of the tunnels we went through was like two minutes long.

It's 65 kilometers.

Like I thought I was getting up in Switzerland.

and I was, it was, it was dark in the tunnel.

I didn't have my fucking glasses on, and I was just like going, all right,

I hope there's no potholes here because this is not going to end well.

But I, you know, I didn't say nothing because my wife was on the back or whatever.

So I finally just found a place and I pulled over and let all of those lunatics drive past me.

And then I kept going straight.

And Nia's like, why didn't you turn around?

I thought you were going to turn around there.

She didn't realize it was like a blind turn,

you know, a little bit in front of me.

And it's just like, yeah, that's how you end up on the news.

If you want to end up on the news, make a fucking U-turn on a two-lane highway with a blind fucking turn right there.

That's the way these people are driving.

Fuck that.

So

we finally made it

to a place where I could turn around.

And then I went back.

And,

you know,

on the way back, I just was like,

I just rode over to the right so people could just like go past me.

It was I'm not gonna lie to you.

It was not fun.

That aspect of it was not fun.

But once I got, I finally got off.

And also, I didn't really pay attention to where I got on.

I knew like what it looked like.

And there was a couple of things in the tunnel that I had noticed.

So on the way, I mean, we must have gone through like 10 of these little villages and 10 of these fucking tunnels.

And every time we would get into the village, it was like, oh, this is what I wanted to do.

I just wanted to kind of putz around it like,

you know, 15 miles an hour.

My wife is looking at ice cream and pizza parlors and shit.

That's what I wanted to do.

But in between, it was like I was in a fucking Tom Cruise movie.

And that's literally what Nia ended up saying.

She goes, that was amazing.

I was in a, I felt like I was in a movie.

And the dude in front of me like slammed on the brakes because this fucking police car went by.

So I slammed on the brakes.

And, you know, with all of that weight on there it was like I realized I'm falling a little too close like I was having to learn all of this shit in real time

and then like yesterday we were you know before we left we were just sort of walking through town and then I found the the curvy zigzag up into the hills street I was like this is the fucking street I should have gone up

But it was funny when we got off the scooter, Nia was all just like, that was all, you know, one of my favorite parts of any memory ever with Nia was we were going through

the tunnel.

This guy's on my ass, but she was having a great time.

So, you know, she's riding behind me and she hugged me.

So I just sort of brought my arms down, like hugged sort of like her arms that were around me.

It was such a nice, loving little moment while this fucking guy was like right on my ass.

And then also it just,

it's one of those things where

it just reminded me of flying and riding a motorcycle where it's not really, you don't get to see anything, like you're too busy trying not to die, you know, at least with a helicopter.

I don't want like a plane, you can put it on an autopilot, but like,

you know,

a helicopter like in the LA basin, there's a lot of trap, there's a lot of shit, there's a lot of areas where would I put it.

See, Candy, the person you're with is like, oh my God, look at that house.

Oh, wow, look at that.

And you're too busy going, okay, I don't want to die.

I don't want to die.

Glad they're enjoying themselves.

So

she had a great time, as did I.

And I've always thought about buying one of those fucking things.

One of those little Vespas.

I'm not into the other ones because there's a lot of them.

They're like basically motorcycles.

Except you don't like with an automatic transmission.

I mean, you can easily fucking kill yourself without even getting hit on one of those other ones doing like

I think they go like 70, 80 miles an hour.

Because I was also getting passed by scooters,

like those ones that sort of look like a motorcycle until you come up to it and you're like, oh no, that isn't.

But from the front, they kind of look like a motorcycle or whatever.

Anyway, but we

our last night there, we ended up eating at this restaurant in town and

it was just like somebody's grandmother was coming out and that was the night I was just like, wait a minute,

she's cooking?

Fuck this.

I'm ordering everything.

So I got an appetizer.

I got a pasta.

I got a main dish.

And then I got tiramisu for dessert, which I had, you know, the cupcake of my birthday.

And

that tiramisu was just like,

I don't even know how to explain it, how good it was.

It was like,

it was annoying how good it was.

It's like, there's nothing in the United States that tastes as good as this because of what a small handful of fucking people did when they took control of the food supply and the seeds and all of that shit.

Really kills me that people are so fucking mad at illegal immigrants.

It's like

these fucking people ruined our food.

Ruined our food, but they're white, so you know, that's all right.

I guess that's all right.

I mean, to me, that's fucking terrorism.

I don't know.

Think we're still fighting a war on terror, and then meanwhile, you can just do that to our food and pesticides in the ground and fuck up our water supply, and that that's all fucking fine.

That's all fucking fine.

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's weird.

No, they're saying now, like, in the United States, like, there's gonna be a thing in the future where, you know, you can be a citizen and still get deported.

And my question is: to where?

I get if you came into the country illegally from, you know, whatever country, Portugal, they deport you back to Portugal.

But if you're born here, like, what a, what a fucking

is there like some goodwill country that you can just drop people

just show up with a bag of fucking American citizens that you don't ah I'm not gonna wear this I'm not gonna use this anymore let's get fucking get rid of this it's a really really fucking bizarre

I'll be honest with you it has been fucking bizarre

since the Clinton blowjob

getting impeached lying about that

and then going into George W.

Bush

the tragedy of 9-11, and then somehow we end up in our

they got weapons of mass destruction.

We never find anything.

Oops.

And then somehow we're still there, and it's costing us all this money, but they're looking at illegal immigrants.

I just, I don't fucking

get it.

We're fighting terrorism, right?

I get that, but you can poison our food supply.

And then that's okay.

That's not terrorism.

These fucking white supremacist hate groups, those guys aren't terrorists.

It's kind of weird.

I don't know.

The message kind of seems to be like, well, you know, if you look this way, you can do what we say we're against.

Am I nuts?

Maybe I'm crazy.

Maybe I am crazy.

I have no idea.

Anyway,

plowing ahead here.

I'm such an idiot.

I have the MLB app on my phone, and I didn't realize signing up for that that I could watch Red Sox games.

So I was over in Italy and I watched my first Red Sox game of the year.

I don't know anybody on the fucking team.

We were playing the Cubs

and this guy hit a two-run homer and then another guy came up, we were up two to one and then another guy came up, hit a three-run homer,

five to one, and then the guy who initially hit the two-run homer hit another one.

And I guess this year, rather than getting put in the laundry basket and fucking pushed down the mail cart, now they put on the WALL-E hat.

I don't know.

That's what the kids do.

Used to be you hit a home run, you ran the bases, and you didn't show up the pitcher, or the next guy got hit.

Now,

there's a lot of pointing and screaming on the way down to the first base.

It looks like a wrestling promo.

You know, what are you going to do?

These fucking 24-inch pythons run wild on you.

A lot of pointing, a lot of gesticulation, doubles.

Doubles is a big thing, too.

When you hit a double, you got to look and you got to do the binoculars and then fucking thump your chest and fucking grab your dick.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

This whole fucking guys make great catches in the outfield and they stand up and they start screaming, yeah, let's fucking go.

I don't understand any of this

self-congratulatory fucking behavior.

I find all of it cringeworthy.

You know, back in the day, there was like two or three fucking alpha, alphas of all alphas in each sport.

There was just a couple, two or three people that everybody knew like that, that guy's the guy.

That's the dude.

You know, we're all fucking pretending, but that guy right there, that guy's the guy.

Now everybody acts like they're the guy.

They want the ball.

Three, two, one.

Everybody is that guy.

And you nobody wants to smoke from anybody.

I'm not the one and I'm the fucking da-da-da-da.

It's like you hit a fucking home run.

Fantastic.

Barry Bonds hit like 760 of those.

Yes.

Sorry about that.

Somebody dropping some shit off at the office here.

At the office.

At the office.

Anyway.

Yeah, it's.

I just don't like that shit where you make a play and then you scream in the other person's face.

Like, you should get the fucking shit kicked out of you.

It's like, why are you acting like you do that every fucking time?

You don't.

You know what I mean?

Like, when you strike out, does the catcher get in your face and go,

you know, and scream in your fucking face?

It's so fucking dumb.

It's so fucking dumb.

I don't understand why everybody's.

There's like fucking...

There's people fighting wars right now.

Fucking killing other human beings before they can can get killed themselves.

They're not doing that.

The fuck are you doing?

You put a ball through a hoop.

You hit a home run.

I don't know.

But I also think that this is just part of getting older.

Like, shit changes, and you're like, I don't fucking get this.

I don't understand.

And then I've just realized I'm at that age.

Like, we were staying in this fucking hotel.

Here's something I used to know how to do: turn lights on.

I used to know how to do that.

I used to know how to work a TV.

There's a whole bunch of shit I used to know how to do.

I just don't know how to fucking do it anymore.

I swear to God, I feel like

starting right now until the end of your life, no matter how old you are, like 15%

of your time when you're alive is clicking on settings.

Go into your settings.

That's interesting.

What version of that do you have?

Okay, click on your settings.

Go into settings and see if that's been unchecked or whatever the fuck it is.

I don't know.

Maybe that's just what it is.

Maybe I'm just

a, I know I'm old, but I, you know,

I don't know.

And I don't fucking get.

We stay in this fucking hotel.

It was so fucking difficult trying to figure out how to turn all of the fucking lights off to go to bed.

And it's this entire fucking

system that's going to break down and be outdated.

It's like, what was wrong with the fucking light switch?

Why does everything have to turn into the starship enterprise?

All right, this is gonna make me sound really old aside from all of this complaining.

Is when I was a kid, if you wanted to turn on the TV, you walked up to it and there was a knob and you pulled it out, and the fucking TV was on.

And if you wanted channel two, you went bump, bump, you were on two.

You wanted five, bump, bump, bump.

You went to five, and that was it.

That was fucking it.

Anyway,

you want to turn the lights on a room, you just walk and you just flip the switch, and then when you wanted it off, you flip the fucking switch.

That's all it was.

It's like people older than me were like, you know, if we wanted a chicken, we just went out back and killed one.

Didn't have to get in a goddamn car, drive all the way to the market, try to look at a fucking date on the goddamn thing.

We just fucking, we,

man, we just, you just grabbed it by the head, you swung the body around and broke its fucking neck.

That was it.

That's all there was to it.

Goddamn, returning the goddamn fucking cart.

I do love that guy that does the grocery cart police thing.

And just every time he busts somebody, they get mad because somebody who doesn't return the cart is just inherently an entitled argumentative douchebag it's one of my one of the great accounts out there

anyway let's do the reads here

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I was on a

fucking beach the other day

and

I saw two women that had like they had a like both had on like two-piece bikinis and the bikinis were like saggy

you know what I mean

I'm talking like

how do you just walk up to somebody just say maybe you should eat a steak I think you ozemped all the way you you ozemped you you picked you ozem picked you picked o's you did the whole fucking thing there's nothing you left

all right

I can see your scapula

It was very unsettling to look at.

But I figured I'd bring it up on the podcast in a comedic way.

Can we not shame people with saggy two-piece spikitis, please?

I mean, they look like fucking POWs.

I don't know.

At what point do you say to somebody?

Hey, why don't you have some bread?

Would you like some Jeez-Its?

All right, Blue Collar Plumber.

Dear Billy Baldwin, I've been listening since 2016 and love anything you are associated with.

Thank you.

I recently listened to the Monday morning podcast for July 14th, 2025.

All right, that would be the last one.

And a listener wrote in about plumber versus hardware

and would like to chime in.

I worked both.

Oh,

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was a big argument.

where the plumber said he was blue collar and said a guy who worked in a hardware store was not blue collar.

So my argument was like, all right, well,

he doesn't have a trade,

but he's not white collar.

What is he?

Dude, you're no collar.

You work in a fucking store.

I worked with, okay, so this person said I worked in both.

I think plumbing is more blue collar and difficult.

All right, well, I don't think that the argument was whether or not it was more or less blue blue-collar.

I thought the argument was, I'm a plumber, I'm blue-collar,

you work in a hardware store, you're not

blue-collar at all.

I don't know.

Anyway, quick story, knowing we will be replacing all the shit pipes in the underground garage, we put

posts all over the apartment complex, giving days and times not to flush.

All right, let me read that.

Now I know what I'm talking about here.

Quick story, Knowing

we will be replacing all the shit pipes in the underground garage.

Literally the shit pipes.

I thought you just meant the bad plump, the old pipes.

The shit pipes.

In the underground garage, we posted all over the apartment complex, giving times and days not to flush.

And of course, the moment we took out the MAME shit pipe, we started hearing rumbling.

We instantly started moving away from the pipe and water comes flying out along with the super turd that bounced off the toolbox and hit me in my calf.

Oh my god.

I was so angry

until this tiny old lady came down and apologized, and she said she couldn't hold it and had to get to an appointment and felt bad.

Oh my god, dude, why did you tell me that story?

Whatever the point of that story was, you won.

Plumbing is more blue-collar because you got hit in the leg by a fucking shit from somebody from the greatest generation.

I mean, I think you can be a carpenter and that doesn't happen, but I wouldn't say that they're any more blue-collar than you.

Jesus Christ, can we just stop here for a second and just, you know, know, take a time to mentally thank plumbers and what they have to go through?

Oh my God.

I can tell you one thing plumbers aren't doing, going home and watching scat porn.

Listen, I see that all day at work.

It does nothing for me.

It's like being a bouncer at a titty bar.

You go in there every night and there's just naked women walking around.

After a while, like, maybe it just doesn't do anything for you anymore.

All right.

Well, that was one of the more bizarre stories

I've ever heard.

I've been puked on twice.

I've been puked on twice, I can tell you that.

One time, my whole family, when I was growing up, we got food poisoning,

and

I was in the process of puking.

And we were living in this split-entry house.

Not split-entry,

a

two-family house.

So one of the side doors, you know, to the original house before they slammed a wall in the middle of the house was they

just, you'd like open the side door to get, that was our back door to the front half of the house that we owned.

You'd open it and there was like a bathroom right when you opened it, like a half a bath, toilet and a sink.

And then there was a kitchen and then the living room and then the stairs.

And you went up to the family room on the other side of that, right?

So

I was puking in that half a bathroom

and

my brother had to puke.

And he came running in and I was already puking and the fucking sink was right there.

But he, you know, we were young, we were kids.

And he's just thinking, you puke in the toilet.

So he just fucking puked.

Like I was like, my hands were holding the bull as I was puking.

And then he puked on my fucking head.

So I was done puking, and he was continuing to puke, and I was just giving him uppercuts into his stomach,

trying to beat the shit out of him.

So then my mother and father were laughing.

And, you know, as my mother was like washing my hair, and I was like crying, going, it isn't funny.

And like, they were just cracking up.

Because that's what you did with your kids back then.

You just fucking laughed.

It was funny.

Then another time,

I was a struggling comedian, so I was taking a bus

to LaGuardia Airport, and we were right there, and this guy fucking stood up

with no warning and started to walking back towards the back double doors, and he just projectile vomited.

hit this poor old lady in the right shoulder and then it ricocheted off and hit

I remember my sock my shoe, and the side of my luggage.

And he didn't say anything and just got off the bus.

I was like, what the fuck?

And then we stopped.

And I just went into the nearest airport.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I had to fucking throw everything out.

All right.

That's what that story just reminded me of.

But you know what?

I would rather have that happen than get hit in the ankle with the shit.

This is gross.

I don't do gross out humor.

All right.

Nathan Fielder, airplane safety.

Hey, Billy Burrow, longtime listener from Switzerland, was wondering if you've heard of Nathan Fielder's new season,

the rehearsal, season two.

Nathan Fielder does...

Oh, goes off on how pilots don't communicate enough and how that he is, that that has led to multiple plane crashes, it's awkward and hilarious in the most fielder way possible.

Like, he basically explains that some pilots are just too polite to say something

before they die.

It's dark, funny, and weirdly educational right in your wheelhouse.

I swear, it's just begging for a burr rant.

Wait a minute, what are you saying?

They don't communicate enough that that has led to multiple plane crashes.

Okay.

And this guy, Nathan Fielder, all right, is called

the rehearsal.

And that's about plane crashes.

That's weird.

Too bad I won't be able to make it to your Milan gig as I live just across the border in Switzerland, close to Como.

You should visit Lugano.

I don't know what that is.

Hope I'll get to see you live someday.

All right, that's wild.

All right, I'll have to check.

You know what?

God damn it.

I will check that out.

Alright, what am I doing here?

Guy messaged my wife.

Dear Mr.

Burr, I am in need of your opinion.

A couple days ago, while at work one afternoon, my wife called me, clearly upset.

She said that an old male high school classmate had messaged her that morning.

And while it had started as a polite reconnecting conversations with a few back and forths, it had suddenly got weird.

How did he still have her number?

I guess she never changed her number.

I don't know how old this person is either.

Long story short, it went from them talking about their lives since high school to him suddenly asking if she was happy in her marriage.

She emphatically stated yes, but he replied that if she wanted more, he could provide it.

Immediately followed by

cue the dick pic captured with suggestive emojis.

What?

Wow.

What a fucking weirdo.

I would guess that guy's still partying and he was in a different time zone and was high.

Or he just has no finesse.

He went from, are you happy in your marriage?

Yes, I am.

Well, if you want more,

here's some fucking

emojis for you.

Wow, that is weird.

All right, she immediately blocked his number, and that is when

she called me.

Later that evening, she had moved past being upset about it, but still asked me to look at the whole conversation to show that she had no part in the inappropriate side of it.

Thankfully, she had deleted the dick pic, but my blood was still boiling reading through the text.

I do trust her as she is a total sweetheart, but I couldn't help but discreetly verify that the timestamps lined up

with what she said happened.

Oh, but I couldn't help but discreetly verify.

Oh, well, what the fuck?

You don't really know somebody.

She could have been pretending to be a sweetheart.

Who knows?

Guess I was caught in a moment of insecurity.

Really, I was just pissed at the whole thing, and I started contemplating what I should do.

First of all, you looking at the time stamps is exactly what she would have done to you.

So, I mean,

you know,

it's kind of weird this guy still has her fucking number, and he goes, you know, and

I don't know, is she telling a half-truth?

Is she telling truth?

Well, good for you.

Looks like she was telling the truth.

All right, so the next day, he tried adding and messaging her on several apps, but she didn't respond to any of it.

Oh, this guy's fucking crazy.

This has just

infuriated me further.

I don't get it.

Again, this is my own insecurity, but I can't figure out who this dude thinks he is.

My wife and I are both in our late 20s.

We have two beautiful children, good steady jobs in a house, and we have a great relationship.

Communication, sex life, etc.

I feel extremely blessed.

I just can't get over the whole situation.

I'm generally a laid-back guy, but I can't stop envisioning myself running into this guy on the street and kicking the shit out of him.

absolutely i mean i'm no better i'm by no means some badass but i'm 6'2 and in in shape

180 pounds yeah and you're also fucking pissed and he you're right and he's wrong so i mean i think you got the i think you got the momentum here well this guy is at least a foot shorter maybe 120 pounds

Is there anything redeemable about this other guy?

He's probably one of those guys in the world I could absolutely, in your exact words, tie up like a pretzel, shove in the trunk of my car, and ass rape.

I've said that, I remember that.

But I'm not gay, and also I'm not a rapist or a murderer.

Okay, anyways, what should I do, Bill?

I can't let this fucking high school band teacher disrespect my wife like that, but at the same time, I don't want to get myself in legal trouble.

Um,

no, no, no, no.

What you need to do do

is

you need to shoot one across the bow.

If you know who this guy is,

you can just very easily confront him and just be like, hey man, you've been talking to my wife.

Is there something I can

help you with?

That'll scare him away.

All right?

I would think.

Or I think at this point your wife has some sort of harassment thing.

But I don't know.

I don't know if I would go

face-to-face confrontation with this guy and act like you're in a Steven Seagal movie because shit can go sideways really quickly.

This guy sounds like he has psychological problems.

And he's five foot nothing and weighs 120 pounds.

I mean, this guy's life sucks.

Your life is great.

You don't want to fuck it up and get some sort of assault charge

or whatever, because for whatever fucking reason, the law protects people like this.

The law also protects thieves, which I've learned.

This time, somebody stole some, you know, in this business deal stole from me.

And,

you know,

I'm not going to get into the details, but it was quite a sizable sum of money

that this person took.

And

they were blaming everybody else, doing the Donald Trump thing, pointing at everybody else, right?

And we're like, didn't really, the person didn't realize we had the smoking gun.

And we presented the smoking gun, they went, oh, you know, that's just, you know,

that was a slight oversight, you know,

and then just produced this complete bullshit cost report that whittled this sizable amount of money down to like 700 bucks or whatever.

So I remember I told my lawyer going, tell him to keep the 700 bucks, and I'm going to go around town and tell everybody that

this guy's a fucking thief and stay away from him.

And my lawyer said, be careful with that.

And I said, why?

And he said, because it's way easier to prove defamation of character than it is to prove that somebody stole from you.

And that's because thieves make the fucking laws.

And that's how most,

I don't know, sizable wealth.

Most of it is made in a dishonest fucking way.

That level of wealth.

So anyway, getting into this, like physical confrontations and this type of shit, you always hear this shit.

You punch somebody in the face and they go down and they whack their head on the sidewalk and they fucking die.

And now you got a manslaughter or a fucking second degree murder charge.

I mean, this guy's a fucking loser.

This is one of these things where, you know,

You got to be the bigger man.

You can't go down there like John Wayne and just punch him in the fucking face because

now this guy, not only did he text your wife in a fucked up way, he's now going to fucking

sue you and get you some of your money or you're going to have, you know,

God knows what sort of criminal charge.

But the rate that this guy is talking to your wife and everything,

you might want to contact like authorities and do it the right way.

I don't know.

I've learned this stalkers, for whatever reason, really value their freedom.

And if somebody comes over there and fucking shakes their tree a little bit, they usually back the fuck off if you're lucky.

All right, now having said all that, in the fucking real world, in the perfect world, you should be able to just walk up to that guy and beat the absolute living shit out of him.

You know,

while giving him a lecture.

Okay, but that's not how the fucking world works.

So it sounds to me like you have a great wife and you have a great life and this other guy doesn't.

But you definitely need to, I think you should contact the police or some or somebody and just say this guy's harassing my wife.

And I think he will fuck off and go bother somebody else.

But that guy, I don't know, that guy should be on a watch list.

Sorry, you're dealing with that.

All right.

Lesser known Wild 70s car chase.

Oh, I love it.

Dear Billy's thrills and chills, burr.

I am am currently 25 minutes into watching a movie that has been 20 minutes of a guy driving a red Gran Torino like a maniac through Louisiana in one long car chase.

I am in.

That movie already sounds vaguely familiar because I've watched 100 movies like it.

Person says, that's it.

The other five minutes is the guy beating the crap out of everyone he meets.

There's also jazz music, which is appropriate given the setting, I guess.

I have no idea what the plot of the movie is, but I'm nicknaming it Fuck You, the Car Chase movie.

It's based on a book,

apparently, it must be a very violent picture book.

The movie is called Fear is the Key.

I think you'll love it.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I would own that on DVD if they still made those things.

Thanks and drive like you're angry.

Nah, I don't fucking drive like that.

I like to try to drive like a respectful so-and-so.

Anyway, so we stayed on this beautiful lake when we were in Italy, and

I'm a pool guy, then a lake guy, and I don't mess with the ocean at all.

So I did, hey, go fucking jump in a lake.

I jumped in the lake, and

I had a great time.

My wife loves the ocean, and she also loves the lake.

She just loves the waves.

So

we were in the lake and my kids came in the lake too, which really made me happy.

My kids can like swim like nobody's business,

which I'm so happy about because, you know, that was a huge fear of mine, obviously.

Like I wanted my kid to know how to, my kids to know how to swim before even riding a bike.

Like I just wanted them to be in the water, used to it.

Now they absolutely like love, love, love swimming.

Like we fucking in the summertime, when they're on summer break, we swim every day,

every day.

And

oh man, I miss when my son was young.

He used to call it a bathing, a bathing soup.

I'd come home and be like, dad, dad, put on your bathing soup.

It's just the best, cutest kids ever.

So,

yeah, we did that.

I rented the Vespa.

I had a

bunch of good food and unbelievable food.

And then I,

you know, had all these great shows.

You know, started off in London.

I got to do that whole gig with the pretenders and everything.

I still can't believe that's happened.

And I have full clips of all four songs.

I don't have the first one.

Ace of Spades.

I only have a little bit of that.

But I have the other three songs that I played, the full clip of it.

And I've just been watching them, critiquing my drumming and all of that, like every fucking day.

I still can't believe that that happened.

And then Abu Dhabi is always amazing to go there.

People are really, really cool.

And

like, I've been there twice.

The crowds have been like ridiculous.

So excited and so ready to laugh.

And then Milan, Italy.

Oh my God, I fucking murdered there.

I already had this whole bit making fun of that fucking Amazon guy's wedding in Venice.

And I wasn't even thinking that.

I was like getting into the bit.

I'm like, oh my God, this was in their country.

They're going to love this.

And they did.

And then when I brought up Luigi, they went fucking crazy.

Just a great time.

And

my wife and my mother-in-law came to that one.

It was fun.

It was just the perfect vacation.

And now I don't have anything to do for the rest of the year other than just be here in Los Angeles and hang out with my kids.

You know, I got a couple of projects I'm working on and shit, but I was away for a while, obviously doing the play.

And I still know the lines, by the way.

I don't know why.

I don't know why.

Every once in a while, I just sort of test, do I know them?

Do I still know them?

And I don't even know why.

I think I was so fucking afraid.

of forgetting the lines on stage, which that of course happened anyway,

That the play's over and I'm still, for some reason, there's like this muscle memory, like every once in a while I still have to do them.

Because what if, what if what?

There was one extra show that I forgot to do and I have to come back and do it and I don't want to embarrass myself.

I don't know.

I don't know.

But I will tell you this, at 57 years of age, if I haven't figured myself out yet, I don't think I'm going to.

I don't think I'm going to.

So I'm just going to let that go.

Every once in a while, I'm just going to be the rain man and just do my my lines from glen garry until i feel like i don't need to do it anymore i think that's how it's going to go down um all right well that's the podcast it's a little short this week that's what she said um

and i don't know i'm jet lagged i'm getting back acclimated to the time out here but i am very excited to be back in la

i miss living out here And that's it.

I'll be at the local comedy clubs trying out some new shit, man.

Other than that, I ain't doing anything.

All right, that's it.

That's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

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