Styles, Car Shopping, Checking Out | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-3-25

Oh, look who it is.

It's Mood.

Um

let me tell you about the let me tell you about uh let me tell you about the online cannabis company that's revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges from sleepless nights to stress-filled days.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% of federally legal THC blends.

They'll deliver deliver them directly right to your doorstep.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code BURR.

And they're epic euphoria gummies, dude.

They're perfect for those days when nothing's going right and you just need to hit the reset button on your crap mood.

Yeah, trick your brain into acting like you're you're you appreciate that extra nickel per quarter they just gave you.

That makes these different.

What makes these different, sorry, is how they've paired THC with other cannaboids with herbs and aptaptogens.

You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere else for that matter.

They have gummies for literally every immune support, menopause, relief, PMS, symptoms, mental clarity, and sexual

arousal.

And each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all, not only does mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but as mentioned, listeners get 20% off their first order with the code BURR.

So, head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code Burr at checkout to save 20%

off your first order.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in,

Check it in on you.

Wow.

How are you?

How's it going?

Oh, look at that sad Charlie Brown looking tree.

I like those trees.

I'm one of those people, you know, you know, you ever see like an ever see Christmas?

What's the deal with Christmas, everybody?

You know, when you go down to get a fucking tree?

You know, when you bought yourself a Ford F-250 6.7 turbo diesel regular cab, eight-foot fucking bed, and you don't even hammer one nail the whole year, but once a year you get a fucking Christmas tree and you have a reason to use your truck.

You know, when you go down there,

um,

you see the Christmas trees, right?

Bunch of fucking shrubs.

You got the full ones,

right?

The fatties,

not questioning anything,

just fucking eating loaded nachos, loaded

fucking cheese whiz

all over the top.

You you know.

Oh shit.

Oh god, here we go.

Gonna sneeze.

Is it gonna happen?

Look at the sky.

There we go.

That's what you just gotta make it happen at some point.

You gotta rip the band-aid off.

You just can't sit there with your face all twisted up.

People think you're having a stroke.

Anyway.

Ah, fuck.

I'm gonna sneeze again.

Hang on.

Looking at

the sky.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Sneeze is coming threes.

We all know this.

So anyway, you go down there to get your fucking tree, and there's all those, those full fatties.

The loaded nacho people, right?

Wearing workout clothes, not working out, just wearing them because they're comfortable.

Just waddling up the fucking street.

Right?

Same shape as a fucking Christmas tree.

Pointy head and all.

Just stick a fucking star on them and some sort of fucking salt and sugar infused pretzel,

some unholy matrimony of

German and Mexican food, you know, of like a chimichurra in the in the shape of a fucking onse pretzel, right?

Finish Nitzel with the cinnamon salt and water.

That's what another thing, too.

Like

I think that's another sign of the apocalypse.

Like all this, you know,

you know, Asian infuse this and and and and and greek infuse that and fucking all of this shit it's just like dude we've we've done it we're done

okay

there's nothing more for us to discover you know

we're we're

we're mashing up music that was already made

we're out of ideas

It's like my wife's fucking car.

You don't need any of this stupid shit.

they're just creating new shit that you don't even fucking need like back in the day you know you could see where you know as you pulled into a parking spot you could see the fucking lines you can't see it anymore so now we gotta have the camera I've talked about this before

this has been discussed

anyway look at this guy walking his dog down the street do you think guys really love dogs or they they love the fact that the dog gives them an excuse to get out of the fucking house

You know, it's harder for a woman to lose weight.

Well, you never take the dog for a walk.

And why is that?

Because you win every argument.

So there's no reason to go walk something off.

I gotta walk off losing, even though, even when I know I'm right.

That's how we stay in shape.

Winning, being right, yet still losing the argument and then having to take a walk.

That burns calories.

The anger alone, you know?

Your furnace is going.

My wife's watching that fucking show.

I don't know.

I can't remember the name.

She just keeps watching this fucking show.

Interracial Island is what I keep calling it.

Whore Island, Underage Island.

I don't know what it is, but like they just have a bunch of 20-somethings and they're all sleeping in the same room and walking around half-naked and bondage themes and shit.

It's just, I keep

saying, like, you're a fucking creep.

Like,

why are you watching this shit?

She says, nah, I just, you know,

Bill, you're like the only person who's not watching this.

That's not true.

That is not true.

I'm going to say that isn't true.

Well, you don't know what you're talking about.

And what happens?

What happens?

She watches the show.

I go for a walk.

I go for a walk.

God, there is this lady walking up a steep hill.

She's got the giant visor on

and hands on her hips staring at the ground.

Every once in a while she looks up.

There's got to be one of the most insane visors I've ever seen in my life.

You know, like in all those platoon Vietnam movies when they have Vietnamese people and the rice patties with those giant fucking hats?

Like that's how big the visor is.

Oh, now she's going.

Oh no, she's doing the sideways.

She's doing the sideways crossover with the legs.

Look at her getting ready for the NFL combine.

Anyway.

The fuck is my point.

Oh, yeah.

Getting back to the Christmas trees.

Getting back to the Christmas trees.

I like those sad Charlie Brown-looking ones.

I don't know what it is about them.

They just, they're clean-looking.

And I feel like you don't need as many ornaments.

You know?

You know what it's like?

It's the difference between three or four cool tattoos on your arm or getting a sleeve.

Like, I think a sleeve, unless you murdered somebody or you're in like a biker gang,

you know,

you shouldn't be allowed to get one.

You should not be, or you're a rock star.

You shouldn't be allowed to get a fucking

sleeve tattoo unless you're like an interesting person.

Can they they make a documentary about your life that would be a hit?

Like people would be talking about it.

Or are you just somebody who's dressed

a certain way?

You know those guys, where they have like, I love the sleeve tattoo with like the fade haircut and the giant bushy beard.

Like,

you're going to do that?

And then you can't even see what the fuck it is.

What is it?

I don't know what any of that is.

And then you start looking at it.

Bond Scott.

That's the way.

If you're going to get a bunch of tattoos on your arm, I say you go Bond Scott

as opposed to getting the sleeve, unless you've murdered someone, you're in a motorcycle gang, or you're a rock star.

That's it.

Or if you're a hot chick, right, and you're good at pool.

And the arm that rocks back and forth like a pendulum before she kicks your ass and runs the table.

That person should have a sleeve tattoo.

You know?

Not someone that makes, you know, artisan cupcakes in a newly gentrified neighborhood.

Oh, look at Bill.

Bill making rules for society.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

You know what's the funniest one to me is when the guy goes totally bald and then he gets like a giant

insect tattooed on the top of his head.

And it's just like, that's got to be the only thing worse than a toupee.

Like, why did you do that?

We all know you're a bald dad.

You're on the other side of it.

I don't give a shit that you got a fucking daddy long legs on your goddamn black widow

on your fucking head.

Man, there's a lot of people with hats in this neighborhood.

The sun isn't even out.

Oh, he's got a Scottish Terrier.

Oh my God.

How bad is this guy's breath?

There's just something about a Scottish Terrier that you can just smell the stuffiness of somebody's house.

You know?

That chessboard that's been set set up for years and no one's played it,

you know,

because his last partner fucking, you know, passed away or some shit.

And now you're just sitting there with all these artifacts

of a social life that no longer exists.

So what there's only one thing left to do.

You got to get a Scottish terrier, walk him around your neighborhood with the fucking Hannibal Lecter hat on.

It's got to be strange for the dog.

It's got to be weird to be a dog and just know your owner, you're going to outlive your owner.

Do you think dogs say the same thing?

You know, where they say, parents, you should never outlive your kids.

Do you think dogs think that about their owners?

Am I doing 80s stand-up right now?

I think I am.

What's the deal?

All right.

Anyway,

I am the most relaxed I've been in, I think, like a fucking year

being back out here in LA.

And I came out here, dude.

I was wound tight and I could feel myself.

I was coming at my wife, you know.

I was gibbering and jabbering and poking and prodding, just fucking being a douche.

But I was able to stop myself.

And I told her, I said,

I am like.

Like, I swear to God, like, I could chew my way through a fucking chain link fence right now.

Like, I am just wound up.

This is why I never did cocaine.

Like, I am, like, my natural, like, my resting heart rate is gacked.

I go from gacked and then I slip down to morose.

I never get into relaxation.

Like, I push through relaxations and I just keep going down and down, like that guy in the submersible, right?

Until I get down to the Titanic and it all fucking implodes.

But I've learned now that when I come back

from from a long gig, and this is the longest gig I ever had, I just need to do three days of nothing.

All right?

Three days of nothing.

And

doing nothing is really hard for me

because all the demons, you know, start rolling around in my brain.

But I just made myself do it.

I just fucking, I was like, I'm not doing shit.

You know, I watched that Gene Hackman movie,

Nightlife,

which I'm still trying to process.

Movie was a little,

I don't know.

Yeah, I definitely recommend it.

But it's like

there's a couple of like, what, wait, what happened?

What the fuck just happened?

But Gene Hackman, of course, is great.

Everybody's great in the movie.

Definitely those.

There's a couple of edits where you're like, there's like major chunks were cut out of this fucking movie.

Anyway.

So I watched that, and then I felt myself getting so fucking wound up.

I'm just doing this for the other psychos out here, so you don't drive your wife nuts.

Then I just, I worked out a little bit, then I chilled, you know,

and

I just said, all right, this is going to be hard, but after three days,

you're going to be fine.

And here's the third day, you know?

The end of it, yesterday,

is whenever I'm trying to chill or meditate, I always listen to the second side of the Jane's Addiction album, Ritual de la Habitual, however you say it, as a gringo.

I just put on three days,

you know,

which is sort of this trippy song, but then it gets like really loud and then it comes down and then it gets loud again.

You know, it's kind of like, where the fuck I am.

And then it goes into that next song,

whatever that next song is.

Just beautiful guitar, and some of my favorite drumming of that entire decade is on that track.

Three days on, and it comes out of that, and done,

dun dun dun, but done.

And we worked outside at the corner.

Dun

Yeah,

hey, yeah, where did you go?

I don't know.

That song.

We went laughing through the garbage.

That whole fucking shit.

That brings me down.

And now I'm like totally chill and like I don't ever want to work again.

No, I'm kidding.

I went out to Flappers last night with Dean Del Rey.

I tried a bunch of new shit.

It went great.

I had a great time.

And there was this one woman.

Every once in a while, there's just someone you just fucking line up with.

She was off to my left and she was dying laughing at everything that I said.

And I was just sort of,

after a while, I just was sort of listening to her, just trying to wind her up, like get her going

because I was just, oh wow, she laughed at that too.

All right, I'm gonna go a little further.

You know, when you start to lose other parts of the crowd, you know,

I started fixating just on that, you know what I mean?

Like, like a fucking, you ever have a crazy pit bull and it looks at something and its ears come up?

You know, you got to get a little tug of the leash, or all of a sudden, you're going to have an incident.

I was doing the stand-up version of that

on

stage last night at Flappers, but but I was psyched.

I had a good set and all that.

And then I had like this epic dad day.

I took my kids to this place, Travel Town, on the backside of Griffith Park that has all these old trains and shit.

Took them there, then we went to In-N-Out Burger.

Then I went over,

they hung with their nana for a couple hours.

Then I took my daughter out to a Pokemon

fucking comic book store and she just she lost her mind she lost her mind and I kind of went into the comic book store and I was like I gotta get back into reading comics because I love the drawings in them and please tell me I know it's probably all done on computers but like

it's still fucking sick so I need like a good series

You know, I've kind of got back into reading where I started reading plays.

One of the actors on Glenn Gary, Howard, Overshon, gave me

some plays to read.

And I've kind of been doing that staying off Instagram, which is also kind of settling my fucking mind down.

And by the way, I watched the first episode of this show,

Duster.

And

that someone when I was on the play, Michael McKeon, told me to watch, not to drop names all over the place.

He told me, he goes, you got to see the opening credits.

Opening credits on Duster are the best opening credits I've seen in fucking forever.

Like, I just had an ear-to-ear grin.

I don't want to ruin it for you.

It's a

car show.

So that's why he recommended it because he knows that I love 70s cars.

And I got to get the names of everybody down because I'm going to watch the whole series.

But the woman that stars in it, she also created it.

And it's fucking...

I watched like the first episode and I'm just like,

I'm in.

I'm totally in.

It's on HBO Max.

This is not a paid advertisement.

I'm just telling you, it's a fucking great show.

If you're into that, if you're into that, all of that vanishing point

anti-hero shit, like you know,

it has that vibe

infused with a bunch of other shit, but I don't, I don't want to ruin it.

All right.

So just, I've ruined enough things in life.

So,

anyway, I'm back out here.

Do you know, oh my God, do you know what Nia said?

One of the funniest fucking things ever as far as making my jaw drop on the ground.

And I realized she was just fucking with me.

She goes, you need to get a car.

I said, I am.

I'm going to go buy an old Cadillac.

She goes, we need a family car.

Why are you going to buy

an old Cadillac?

She goes, you already got that jalopy in the garage.

She called my 68F-100 a jalopy.

And she stared at me for three seconds while my jaw was on the ground, and then she bursted out laughing.

I realized she was just fucking with me.

So I know what I'm going to get.

I was thinking an old Cadillac or whatever.

I just can't make up my mind.

There's so many cars that I love.

I love the 67 Eldorado.

And then this Cadillac that I never liked, and now I love it, is the 6970 Cadillac

two-door coupe.

I fucking love love that car.

I don't know what happened.

Fucking love that car.

But then

there's also like a part of me that just wants something fast, but not like a muscle car.

You know what I mean?

I'm thinking like, I don't know what, but I'm going to get something

mid-2000s or previous or before that.

I'll let you know what I ended up getting.

But this is the new me.

I'm going to own all the cars, just never at the same time.

I'm going to get a car.

It's going to be fucking cool.

And I'm going to drive it for a year or two, and then I'm gonna get something else.

And in the end of my life, I can lay in my deathbed and said, I fucking drove them all, you know?

But I never had to be that guy that had to go fucking, you know, move 15 cars around in his driveway, because I've done that.

You become a valet in your own fucking house, and then you're like, oh, I gotta go fucking, I gotta go rent a garage, and then you got a bunch of chargers, and then you got some mechanic,

right?

For some reason,

You know, he barely speaks English, you know what I mean?

Because I guess there's no American fucking mechanics anymore.

By the way, you know,

but then you get a chance to learn a second language.

I would get a French.

I'll tell you, I'm also starting to lean towards Spanish, but I'm not.

I'm sticking with this French shit, even though lately I've been getting my fucking ass kicked on these apps.

The more I watch Moto GP, and I listen to Marc Marquez, and I listen to these Italian guys speaking and stuff, it's just like like all of those languages, Italian, French, and Spanish, it's just like,

I'm telling you, I think the end of my life,

I'm gonna end up there.

One of those places.

I'm gonna be a fucking expat, you know, who takes up painting at like 78.

I'm gonna be that guy.

Just some fucking weirdo who wears the same smock every day, coming to town with some beat-up Birkenstocks, Bill Birkenstarks.

No, my wife would never let me get that fucked up looking.

Look at that guy, like that fucking actor in Cannonball Run, one eye going one way and the other going the other.

The guy from Once Upon a Time in the West.

Anyway, but

I don't know, last night, you know, I went out and and I did a spot and I immediately came home and the hug I got from both of my kids made me feel so great.

Like that I said to my wife, I was like, you know what, I'm a great dad.

The fact that I was away that long and they still feel this way about me, you know, I mean, we FaceTimed

all the time and shit, but like

I was worried that they were going to grow away from me or whatever.

I still can't believe I did that fucking gig, how long that was.

That was insane.

But I'll definitely do Broadway again.

But next time, I'm bringing my family with me.

That's how we're doing.

We figured we're going to do it that way.

So, anywho,

let me do the reads here for the week, for this Thursday, I should say.

You know what's funny is

I was all about getting a fucking breakfast burrito the second I got out here, and I haven't gotten one yet.

I gotta get one.

I gotta get a breakfast burrito.

All right, now

where the fuck is

Where the fuck is...

Where the fuck is the fucking copy?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You know, Bill.

Okay, all right, here we go.

Oh, I got it right here.

Oh, look who it is.

Squarespace.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain.

Showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place.

From consultations to events and experiences, showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business.

Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools, Sierra, Echo, Oscar tools.

Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and and auto-generated sitemap and more.

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more ideal customers.

Ah,

it's an algorithm.

Make smarter business decisions with Squarespace intuitive built-in analytics tool.

There you go.

Review website traffics.

Learn where to focus and engagement.

Coach a football team.

Kidding.

And track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales all from one place.

I feel like every NFL coach uses Squarespace on third down and four.

Check out squarespace.com/slash burr for a free trial.

When you're ready to launch, use offer code BURR, B-U-R-R, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

That's squarespace.com/slash burr for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

All right, everybody, it's 5-Hour Energy.

Do you need a boost that tastes like a potty?

Confetti Craze from 5-Hour Energy is here to deliver big birthday energy in a tiny bottle.

These shots are tiny and resealable.

It's easy to bring that big birthday energy with you.

It's buttery, vanilla-y,

vanilla-y,

and basically tastes like the best birthday cake ever.

This limited-time flavor brings the party wherever you go with as much caffeine as a fancy 12-ounce coffee, but with zero sugar and zero crash.

So you can be unapologetically extra and unstoppably energized.

Whether you're powering through your to-do list or showing up with the main character energy, Confetti Craze makes every moment a celebration.

5-Hour Energy.

Confetti Craze flavor is available online.

Head to www.5houenergy.com or Amazon to order yours.

Or you can go to 5Hourenergy.com.

Oh, look who it is.

It's mood.

Let me tell you about the let me tell you about

the online cannabis company that's revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges from sleepless nights to stress-filled days.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% of federally legal THC blends.

They'll deliver them directly right to your doorstep.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code BURR.

And they're epic euphoria gummies, dude.

They're perfect for those days when nothing's going right and you just need to hit the reset button on your crap mood.

Yeah, trick your brain into acting like

you appreciate that extra nickel per quarter they just gave you.

That makes these different.

What makes these different, sorry, is how they've paired THC with other cannaboids with herbs and aptaptogens.

You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere else for that matter.

They have gummies for literally every immune support, menopause, relief, PMS, symptoms, mental clarity, and sexual

arousal.

And each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all, not only does mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guaranteed, but as mentioned, listeners get 20% off their first order with the code BURR.

So head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code BURR at checkout to save 20%

off your first order.

This is Larry Flick, owner of the Floor Store.

Labor Day is the last sale of the summer, but this one is our biggest sale of the year.

Now through September 2nd, get up to 50% off store-wide on carpet, hardwood laminate waterproof flooring and much more plus two years interest-free financing and we pay your sales tax the floor stores labor day sale don't let the sun set on this one go to floorstores.com to find the nearest of our 10 showrooms from santa rosa to san jose the floor store your area flooring authority

All right, everybody, it's 5-Hour Energy.

Do you need a boost that tastes like a potty?

Confetti Craze from 5-Hour Energy is here to deliver big birthday energy in a tiny bottle.

These shots are tiny and resealable.

It's easy to bring that big birthday energy with you.

It's buttery, vanilla-y,

vanilla-y,

and basically tastes like the best birthday cake ever.

This limited-time flavor brings the party wherever you go with as much caffeine as a fancy 12-ounce coffee, but with zero sugar and zero crash.

So you can be unapologetically extra and unstoppably energized.

Whether you're powering through your to-do list or showing up with the main character energy, Confetti Craze makes every moment a celebration.

Five Hour Energy.

Confetti Craze flavor is available online.

Head to www.5hourenergy.com or Amazon to order yours.

Or you can go to 5Hourenergy.com.

Oh, look who it is.

It's Mood.

Let me tell you about the,

let me tell you about the online cannabis company that's revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges from sleepless nights to stress-filled days.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% of federally legal THC blends.

They'll deliver them directly right to your doorstep.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code BURR.

And they're epic euphoria gummies, dude.

They're perfect for those day when days when nothing's going right and you just need to hit the reset button on your crap mood.

Yeah, trick your brain into acting like

you appreciate that extra nickel per quarter they just gave you.

That makes these different.

What makes these different, sorry, is how they've paired THC with other cannaboids with herbs and aptaptogens.

You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere else for that matter.

They have gummies for literally every immune support, menopause, relief, PMS, symptoms, mental clarity, and sexual

arousal.

And each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all.

Not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guaranteed, but as mentioned, listeners get 20% off their first order with the code BERR.

So head to moo.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code BURR at checkout to save 20%

off your first order.

Back to school is here.

Between school runs, soccer practice, and everything.

Keeping your kids' meals fresh shouldn't be another chore.

Make lunch packing easy with Packet, the original freezable lunch bags and boxes with built-in eco-freeze technology that keeps food and drinks cool for hours.

No ice packs.

Choose Choose from custom styles like unicorns, space themes, and trendy solids.

Shop now at packet.com and use code BTS20 for 20% off.

Packet, new school year, new gear.

With you for the journey.

All right, back to the podcast.

So, yeah, I'm trying to figure out what kind of car I'm going to get.

I'm either going to get an old lead sled American car, or I'm going to get some sort of

German stick shift car,

like a BMW or something.

One of those old M3s, M5s, one of those fucking cars.

Like four-door stick shift or something like that.

I don't know, but I'm excited, and I live in the perfect city out here to drive something old.

So why the fuck not?

You know what I mean?

What am I going to do?

The old me would just sit here and bitch moan and complain about these new bing-bong cars with the fucking iPad dashboards

instead of doing something about it.

I've just, I've decided I'm tapping out.

I'm driving old cars.

I'm reading books

and I'm watching movies from the 70s.

I don't like what's happening right now in the world, and I don't know how to do anything about it other than try to just be nice to people.

But I can't solve these fucking problems.

They're all bigger than me.

So I'm tapping out of this time.

I'm living in a different era without,

you know, getting a sleeve tattoo and buying clothes from the fucking 1800s or whatever it is these kids are doing.

Anyway, so

I might even watch a fucking baseball game today and keep score.

That's how old school I'm going.

You know, shut down, not talk to anybody.

Sit in a sunroom.

This is some old school shit.

Sit in a sunroom with a little square TV, black and white TV, watching a ball game,

smoking a pipe.

Then your wife comes out, right, brings you a sandwich, kisses you on top of your head, you know.

You give her that half a hug with your arm,

you know,

grab a fucking ass cheek, give her a little goose, right?

That's how it used to go down.

It's how it used to go down.

It doesn't go down like that anymore.

Everybody's fucking, I don't know.

I don't know what they're doing.

Staring at their fucking phones.

I'll tell you, you know, ladies, you know

your screen time is out of control when you don't have time to make your man a sandwich.

Come on, ladies, what do you say?

For America, July 4th.

Why don't you make your man a sandwich this weekend?

He's earned it.

He puts up with you.

He lets you win arguments even when you're wrong.

The next time your husband has to go for a walk because you're just so acting like a fucking child, when he goes out the door and he makes a right,

you just do like, I don't know, five Mississippi.

You go out the door, you make a left.

Walk around the block.

Think about what a great guy he is, and you'll meet him halfway on the other side.

Surprise him and just say, like, all right, you were right.

I'm sorry.

And give him a kiss.

Just

to shake things up.

Come on, ladies.

Do you ever get tired of winning?

Do you have the decency to feel guilty?

Ever?

All right.

Anyways, I'm going to go get a breakfast burrito and then I'm going to the gym.

I'm going to the gym.

And I got to lose this last little bit of fucking belly weight.

My last little bit of belly weight.

I'm fucking on it, dude.

I'm on it.

I come back from the show last night.

I had water and I had a handful of raw almonds.

And I cried myself to sleep.

But I woke up the next morning and my stomach was a little flatter.

I'm not going to be Billy Balloon Tits.

It's not happening.

I'm not going to be that guy that sits down with his shirt off next to the pool and you just look down,

you know,

and my whole torso looks like a, I look like a shaved Sharpe.

Guys, when you sit down, does your torso look like a bulldog's face?

You know, instead of the eyes, those are your nipples.

Just sitting there, everything just fucking.

I'm not fucking, I'm not doing that.

Become that guy who has to fuck with his shirt on.

You know, she has to climb on top of you.

It ain't happening.

Raw almonds.

Then you need the gym on your forearms, doing the plank.

Doing the plank.

Keep yourself in fucking shape.

All right.

Well, that's that is the podcast.

I'm going to go.

I bought my son a Spider-Man

comic book, and I'm going to go read that to him right now.

I am so thrilled to be not working right now.

I know I'm doing stand-up, but like stand-up is like, it's not work.

It's just fun.

Like, I had so much fun.

And I got to give a shout-out to PJ Landerson, all the stage time that he gave me at the Comedy Village.

One of my favorite comedy clubs in the country.

Forget about New York City.

It's just, it's what a comedy club,

you know,

used to be, you know, little fucking

stage

right in New York City.

It's just, you know,

comedy fans go in there.

It's on 44th between 8th and 9th.

It's just, it just reminds me what comedy clubs used to be before they started becoming like also like restaurants.

And, you know, places to play paintball or whatever the fuck they're doing now, podcast studios.

It's just, it's a fucking comedy club.

You go in there and you do stand-up comedy, and people listen to it.

The staff is great, PJ is great.

You should definitely check it out.

Don Giovanni's is right next door.

Great pizza.

It's fantastic.

And

that's it.

That's all I got to say.

All right, that's the podcast.

Have a great weekend, you cons, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Now, if you're in the habit to let your temper fly,

when you talk with people

who don't see eye to eye,

and if you don't believe that there's a newer world ahead, what you need,

what you need,

what you need is a change of habit,

a change of habit.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr.

It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 3rd,

2017, a day before, July 4th over there.

When are you guys doing it?

Jesus Christ.

When are you guys doing it?

You're partying tonight?

You gotta go tonight, right?

You gotta go tonight, and tomorrow you eat like a fat fuck.

But tonight is tonight, tonight, tonight.

Tonight's tonight if you want to go out and get fucking hammered.

You know,

tomorrow's for the kids, you know.

Today you scare your children, tomorrow you wake up with them.

That's how it works when July 4th is on a Tuesday.

You know?

Your wife will give you dirty looks, but you know, by the weekend, as long as you're mulching up the fucking yad, she'll be happy.

What do you want from me?

I was celebrating the birth of the nation there.

Not the movie, you fucking racist.

Well, you made me curse.

You know, you get involved in those stupid things.

Anyways,

oh, man.

Oh,

Billy No Fun was Billy Bad Boy this week.

I completely just fucking,

I just, I don't know what happened.

I went off the rails.

I went off the rails.

I was flying out.

I was doing the Capitol Theater in Porchester.

Which is one of the most amazing venues.

I don't know what it is about it.

It's just one of those places.

It's got the fucking magic in it, you know?

And it's been around forever.

And according to the people that ran it,

he was saying that Janice Joplin played there and in a bar nearby or something.

She wrote that song, Mercedes-Benz, tried it out for the first time at that venue, then went out to LA,

recorded it, and then overdosed.

That was it.

And I was like, that's great.

Well, you know what?

I'm not going to be trying any new material this weekend.

Bill Burr tried out a new dick joke, recorded it onto his iPhone, went back into the city, had two slices of pizza at three in the morning, followed by four shots of fucking whiskey, and then went to bed and died on a futon.

Yes, he was alone.

Oh my God, I just, I don't happen.

I was flying out there.

I think I was stressed.

I don't know what it was.

And then the guy, you know, asked me if I wanted a drink.

you know i wasn't on a plane it was just this guy came up to me he said excuse me can i buy you a drink i was like well certainly you can

no i was on a plane and the steward the male stewardess came up to me he said do you want it you want anything to drink right

and the devil in me went oh

and i went um

quivering voice uh maybe later

so You know, I'd been eating great.

I had salads and all that shit.

And I thought, ah, you know, I'll just have one.

I'll just have one.

He comes over with some Jack on the Rocks, you know, nice fucking pour, right?

Gave me the old mile high pour, if you know what I mean.

He fucking

gave me like three fingers to fucking booze.

So

with a little bit of pepper and some cheese.

And I fucking drank the thing

and I was like, all right, that's it.

I got to get waters after this because because that's the big thing.

After I have the first one, I just switch to waters, and then I get my

bearings again of like, oh, yeah, okay, cool, okay, cool.

We had a buzz.

Now we're coming back.

We're coming back.

This is a good thing.

But if I go to that second drink, forget it.

And

he just fucking,

what did he say?

Do you want it?

I think he just brought me the next one.

And then I was just like, well, I'm not going to be rude.

And then I drank that one.

And then we landed.

And that just set me off on the wrong fucking way.

The wrong fucking road.

Then I got to the city.

And then I got two slices of fucking pizza.

Not even from a place that I liked.

Place that I wanted closed because they have great pizza and they already made their money.

So like, well, we don't need to be open all night.

Go fuck yourself.

See ya.

So then I walked down the street to these other guys, you know, the one that all the drunks are stumbling into.

And I got not one, but two slices of pizza.

Went back, fucking shoved them down my throat the whole time, going, you know, this is way better than anything that I get in LA, but this is not a good example of how the East Coast became legendary with their pizza making.

No disrespect to Chicago, by the way.

Okay?

I'm not saying you guys don't make, you make a different type of lasagna pizza out there.

And most New Yorkers, people from Boston, Philly, we go out there and we don't know where to go.

And we just get some average slop and we're like, this fucking pizza stinks, right?

The same way you guys.

I know so many fucking people from Chicago, dude, I went to New York.

Dude, your pizza wasn't good.

Did you even look to see where to go?

You dope.

New York has a great reputation for making great pizza.

That's why there's so many shitty ones.

You know what I mean?

Because everybody's living off of that fucking reputation.

There's like a half dozen,

probably, maybe eight

in the fucking all the boroughs.

How many boroughs I was at?

Queens, Bronx, Brooklyn, Staten Island, there are five fucking boroughs.

There's probably

eight.

Okay?

Brooklyn's got a couple.

New York has a couple.

Everybody else has like fucking one, maybe two.

I don't know enough about it, but I'm just telling you.

There's only a few.

However, in New York City, you can buy pizza every fucking 10 feet down the road.

Same way in Chicago.

Some fucking cunt is out there waiting for someone like me to walk down the street with my fucking Chicago, the Windy City windbreaker that I just bought at the airport.

Hey, our genuine, authentic fucking Chicago deep dish pizza.

And then they're going to bring me in there.

So can we end the fucking pizza debate?

Everybody, you know, has their own way to do it.

Up in Boston, they had the little bar-style pizzas, which are fucking amazing.

And every New York cunt that goes, oh, I went up there, they didn't fucking taste like fucking Magoolis over there down the fucking street.

You know, those fucking morons.

When you travel, okay, you gotta fucking hang with local people and they'll tell you where to go.

To fucking walk into a place and think that everything there sucks and people there just accept it

is probably one of the dumbest ways to travel.

However, that's how most people do it.

Or you go there and you try to get what you can get down the street from where you live, and then when you can't, you say this place sucks.

And I just, I can't, you know, fuck it.

I was in the Bahamas.

I couldn't get a good fucking gambo goo.

Anyways.

I don't know why I'm making everybody Italian, but I'm enjoying it.

I am enjoying it.

So I ate this shitty fucking pizza.

And I was taught to finish my food as a kid.

So I'm fucking even just gnawing my way through the crust.

I mean, I could have whittled something like a fuck piece of wood with this crust.

Tough like fucking shoe leather over there.

That was the first night.

And then I did well during the day.

You know, I did really well.

But then just at night, the next night, I ended up staying up.

We went to a fucking, oh, right down the street from the Porchester Capitol Theater.

It was this great Italian restaurant.

And it was

partly owned by Mario Battali.

Who's the best?

All his fucking restaurants are awesome, right?

So I go down there, and I know I should order the fish, but I can't get good Italian out here, so I order some pasta, right?

I get the fucking go fuck yourself bolognese, right?

So I get that,

and then we say we don't want dessert.

They still brought some stuff over because they're Italian.

I mean, just you know, if you say I don't want any, they're still going to bring you over a half order.

That's how it fucking works.

So they brought over all these cannolis and all of this shit.

And then

didn't drink too much that night, but definitely, you know, not drinking that much to me was like, you know, five or six over a fucking nine-hour period.

Stayed out till like four in the fucking morning.

Smoked a cigar.

Fucking stupid.

I had all this shit to do the next day, right?

I fucking

get out of the fucking Uber, right?

I get out of the Uber.

And

I know I told you guys I don't Uber.

I had somebody call it for me

because I couldn't get a cab.

and I get out of the and the second I get out of it I walk over the door and I go well wait where's my phone where's my phone and I left it in the fucking Uber and then I didn't have I had no no way to call and I was like you got to be fucking kidding me because I had my bag of shit with me so I grabbed my bag and I got this thing once I grab something I never look for anything else and also you know I had like fucking four or five drinks so I left my fucking phone there So I was just like, all right, I did a mental check.

Everything's backed up.

Everything's on the computer.

Who gives a fuck?

I'll just buy a a phone tomorrow.

Fucking moron, right?

So I get up the next day.

I go over to the fucking Verizon store.

And they go, okay, what's your Apple ID?

I'm like, I don't know.

You got my phone number.

Here's my license.

And they're like, oh, that's not good enough.

You need your Apple ID.

I go, well, I don't have it.

He goes, can you guess?

I said, oh, yeah, I can fucking stand here all day.

I don't know what it is.

And he basically tells me that

he can't get into my account.

without my Apple ID.

I go, you're telling me if the FBI came in here right now,

that's what you'd say?

And he was like, Absolutely.

And I was like, Dude, I don't know what it is.

Are you telling me?

So, you're telling me I can never get a phone again?

This feels like a Tom Cruise movie.

Did you just shut off the microchip in me?

Can I get a phone, please?

I have business to do.

The guy says, No, I haven't been meditating.

My temper starts going up and up and up and up and up.

I didn't curse Adam.

I started, you know.

He goes, Well, you're going to have to go to our main store, and that's going to take like fucking two to three hours.

So I was like, You got to be fucking kidding me.

So I walk

out into the streets of New York, and I said, I fucking hate technology, but I said, I really quietly, and technology really quietly.

But fuck, I said at the top of my lungs, fucking,

I just went, I fucking hate technology.

This lady fucking whipped her head around.

I was like, oh my God, I'm like, I'm literally the guy walking in the street in New York making people nervous right now.

So I walk up to try to find where this fucking place is.

I don't know.

He said it's on like fucking 50-something and 6th Avenue.

I'm looking for the thing, and I'm like, wait, is it on 6th Avenue?

Is it on 57th?

I have no idea.

This took me back to the 90s when I was in New York, when you didn't have a map.

You just fucking walked around, head on a swivel.

Right?

Finally find the place.

And I walked in there and I got an absolute angel at the store.

Old school customer service completely fucking hooked me up.

And she was like in her mid-20s.

And halfway through, I just finally was just saying, like, you know, I forget what I said.

I said something.

basically to the effect that, you know, you don't get customer service like this anymore.

Your parents raised you right.

She said, thank you.

I go, Did you come from a big family?

And she was like, I was like, she said something like, I'm like one of seven.

I was like, I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I don't know what it is.

Kids who come from like fucking with a bunch of kids,

families with a bunch of kids,

I don't know.

They learned it.

I don't know what it is.

I don't know what you learned, but you're,

I don't know.

Everything is about you and you keeping all the fucking toys.

So she totally hooked me up.

And then I was able to call my buddy who called the Uber, who called the Uber guy.

And then the Uber guy still had my phone.

He brought it back to me the next night.

You know, I gave him a nice tip for doing that.

And now I got two phones.

I guess I can bring the other phone back, but I just don't want to go back into a store.

I'm not rolling the dice again that I'm going to get a good customer service person.

I know I'm not.

So I'll just fucking eat it.

It was my own fucking fault.

If I didn't go out till fucking four in the morning like an asshole, none of that shit would have happened.

I apologize to the lady that I made her fucking probably fucked up her neck when I screamed fucking when I was out in the street.

And

but you know, I don't apologize to the guy at the bank.

I owe taxes, right?

I owe taxes up in fucking Canada.

So my accountant goes, you have to go to the bank.

I'm going to send you an email with all the fucking account information.

They can wire it up there.

Bing, bang, boom, done.

So I say, fine.

So I go up, I download the thing.

I bring my laptop.

I fucking

get this David Blaine-looking dude

at the bank to help me out.

So we walk into his cubicle area.

We sit down.

I have all the information on the computer screen.

He starts going, read me the VIN number.

I know it's not that, but you know what I mean.

And I'm like, what?

What number?

He's like, that number there.

Read that to me.

So I read it to him.

He goes, all right, read me the next number.

I go, which number?

He goes, read me that number.

And then I just fine look at him.

I

I go, what do I work here?

He's like, excuse me.

I go, I go, I feel like I work here right now.

I'm like,

look, just turn it around.

Here's all the information.

Type it in.

He goes, well, it's going to go quicker

or something like that.

And then you just kind of get quiet, right?

I'm just fucking sitting there.

And then after a couple minutes, he just kind of goes like, you know, I don't understand why you got upset there.

I go, well, I'm not upset.

I'm just calling you out on the fact you start treating me like your secretary.

I don't work here.

He goes, I'm not treating you like a secretary.

I go, yeah, you are.

You got me like reading off numbers and stuff.

He goes, I'm just doing that because it'll be faster.

And I go, well, I disagree.

Well, what the fuck am I?

You understand?

You work at the bank.

You're at the bank.

You work at the bank.

You get paid to work at the fucking bank.

I'm the customer.

This is what I need you to do.

Do the fucking transaction.

Jesus fucking Christ.

These fucking goddamn.

I'm going to say it.

These kids today, everything about them is that's interactive.

Hey, man, like, hey, you know, fucking reach out through the fucking interweb, man.

Fuck off and do your job.

But I didn't say any of that.

I just said I disagree.

That's the best I could do.

But I just couldn't believe.

He was like, but

what kills me is he's walking around saying that I'm a dick, which I am.

I admit to that.

But I'm fucking right.

I got to sit there and read off fucking numbers to you.

He goes, can you read this?

He didn't even say, please.

He starts talking to me like I'm like.

I I was like, did I just get hired as your assistant?

You fucking cunt?

I didn't even know what he was talking about, all of those numbers.

I'm not a fucking banker.

Every time he told me to read off a number, he had to explain what the number is.

Like, how is that quicker?

Oh, Jesus.

So I meditated for the first time

in about six weeks.

I'm just trying.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

I know.

I just, I'm back, we're back in the writer's room.

I got all of that shit to do.

I'm building my new fucking act, right?

My daughter is finally sleeping through the night, you know.

She still wakes up once or twice, but it's just a quick little one.

Um, maybe needs a diaper change or something like that.

And I'm just feeling like it's just, it's building up again, you know.

So for me now to like stop drinking,

you know, to add that, that extra stress of like, you know,

you know, to not have the fucking thing to take the edge off at the end of the goddamn day, like that, it just starts building up.

So

to the guy at the bank, maybe I could have explained it a little nicer.

Maybe I couldn't have just flipped out here.

But, you know, know this.

That's what I wanted to say in the bank, but I didn't.

Okay.

I just fucking kept my cool.

But like, you work at the bank, I don't.

I need you to do this transaction.

I have money in your bank.

Back in the day, you guys used to give like 10%,

8% on fucking money in the bank.

You now give like.0001%.

Okay?

So now you don't give me any money on it.

You've loaned 10 times out on what I fucking have there.

You guys invent money.

You're literally counterfeiters.

And now I have to go in there.

You guys nuke the fucking economy every eight fucking years,

building housing bubbles or whatever, and you don't go to jail for it.

And you leave Americans upside down in their houses.

You don't give a fuck.

And then on top of that, I got to go in and read the fucking numbers off to you.

Fuck off.

I know this is childish for me to be sitting here alone losing my mind, but I cannot

lie to you and not tell you how fucking good this feels to get this out of me.

You know, part of my meditation today

is I'm actually doing this series on patience.

Swear to God.

And the guy said,

oh God, what the fuck did he say?

It almost made me mad when I was like, I wanted to debate with the guy, but I can't because it's just a recording.

He basically said that when you lose your patience, it's because you have expectations of other people.

Okay, and then when you react to that,

it's like your fault for reacting to it.

For having you're wrong to have these expectations of people.

And I'm thinking in my head, like,

like, that doesn't make any I like I'm at this point, I'm wrong that I expect people to put in an effort at their job the way that I do and the way that I did.

And I'm not patting myself on the back, but when I fucking I always,

any job I had, I fucking killed it.

Unless I just literally didn't have the talent, like construction.

I just, I mean, I could bring you the shit.

I just didn't have that gift.

Or I tried to sell health insurance.

I just wasn't good at it.

And you know what I did?

I had the decency with both of those jobs to quit within a week and a half.

I didn't fucking sit there and torture people and just suck at my job as they came walking in, or worse, try to make them do part of my job.

So I'm listening to this guy,

and he's talking in a very soothing voice like this: some sort of British accent.

When we walk in there, we have

it's Headspace.

Hello again, welcome to Headspace.

When we have expectations of other people,

it gives us a tendency to, he tries to like laugh,

lose our patience.

Don't get all fucking jolly because you know that's you know what it is.

He's doing that because he knows there's an angry cunt like me laying on the ground going, like, okay, so now you're defending this guy at the bank,

you weren't even fucking there.

You know?

So now, basically, what you're saying is, in order for me to have patience,

I have to basically treat people the way I treat my daughter, which is, I understand that she's a baby and doesn't know anything yet.

You know?

So I have to have

100% patience with her, which I do.

But that's because she's a baby.

So now I'm supposed to walk in and sit across from a 27-year-old guy

in his, you're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it, fucking suit.

And

as he tells me to do what how could I have done that better?

I guess what I should have said is, sir, I don't mean any disrespect, but I'm not going to read those numbers to you.

I feel that you work at the bank and I am the customer, and I feel that that crosses a boundary that I'm not comfortable with.

Well, I guess I could have said that, right?

And when he exhaled, I probably should, like, when he exhaled, like, I, it was like someone fucking twisted a knife in my back.

I wanted to fucking like, did you just fucking exhale?

Yeah, because once again, I guess I had expectations that this guy, you know,

I had the ability to fucking look at a paper with all the answers to the test on it while typing at the same time.

I mean, I can do that.

I could do that for half a page and I only make a couple of mistakes.

And I taught myself how to do it.

What the fuck?

How much more easier does life have to be?

And then, you know, I was also thinking when I left, I was like, you know something?

My wife would have just read the numbers off to him.

She would have read the numbers off to him.

And then afterwards, I would have said, like, why did you just do that?

You did your job.

She goes, well, you know, you're right.

You're right.

You know, I probably shouldn't have done that.

But, you know, it got it done quick.

You know, I just didn't want to have the argument, blah, blah, blah.

She continues on.

You know what?

And she's a way, way happier person on paper, I think.

On paper.

I don't know.

You know something?

The thing about women is

the big

red flag is the level of shopping that they do and the amount of shit that they buy.

Like, that's, I don't know.

There's a fucking unhappiness there.

There's something psychotic going on with just amount, the sheer amount of clothes and shit that they buy and just stuff that they fucking buy.

I don't see tranquility in it.

I feel like that's like eating fucking, you know, seize candies.

They just love having that UPS driver showing up and, oh,

it's a little package for me.

You know,

I actually judge how well my relationship's going by how often the fucking UPS driver comes to the door.

If he's coming a lot, then I need to take her out to dinner or something.

If he's coming every once in a while, then that's just her doing the woman thing of basically

fucking kicking our retirement right in the seats.

All right, I didn't need to go.

Okay, whatever.

I apologize to everybody.

I apologize to that first guy at the fucking Verizon store.

I apologize for the way I conveyed what I was trying to say to the David Blaine-looking dude at the bank.

You know,

I don't know.

Maybe it's a new world.

Maybe I'm just a fucking old guy.

Maybe that's why I don't fucking know.

I don't know.

I still think I'm right.

But I'm going to learn in the future not to have expectations of people and just sit there as the sons of my life slip away waiting for somebody to do their fucking job that they get paid to do.

Anyways, anybody watch Samoto GP fucking motorcycle race yesterday?

Another great one.

Back-to-back, fucking great races.

Congratulations to Mark.

Marquez.

Oh my God, did you hear his fucking interview afterwards?

Oh, it was fucking hilarious.

First of all, it's amazing all these guys can speak English, but he searches for the English word while going the

he did two fucking ones so fucking long.

They go, Mark, congratulations, great victory, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I didn't feel like that today.

He's like,

it was

reminding me of Taylor Negron's great, rest in peace, his great joke.

When he says, you don't want carpets, you want an

area rug joke?

Anyways, what a fucking race.

And I got to look at the standings here.

I think that that put Mark Marquez, she sees on top.

He's on top of the leaderboard.

The leader Ford board.

Sorry.

Mark Marquez, fucking.

Oh, come on, you f.

Don't have expectations.

Don't have expectations of the internet that it's actually going to work.

Why would it work?

Why would it work when you would need it to work?

Just

laugh.

Make a note of it.

Make a note of a difficult time in your life.

Put it on the clothesline and send it on down.

And stay.

Just remember, you're not reacting, you're observing.

You're just

it's like you're sitting on a park bench watching traffic go by, except the trafficker.

Are your thoughts?

Oh, look, the requested URL cannot be retrieved.

I'm going to have no reaction to this.

I'm just going to sit here and let my podcast slowly sink into the abyss

of something completely not even remotely funny.

All right, here we go.

Where the fuck are we?

By the way, you know,

this fucking website stinks.

Because you'd think if these guys are fucking putting their lives on the line, it'd be a little easier to navigate.

Wait a minute, wait, is that me having fucking expectations again?

All right.

Mark Marquez is in the league, 129 points.

Was this what the points that they got from yesterday?

Oh, this looks like from what they got yesterday.

Congratulations to that kid, Maverick Vilnes.

Is that the guy, though?

I thought he was German.

I think I have the wrong guy.

This might be the wrong list.

It says GP World Standing.

There was some guy that came in second place.

It was the first time he's ever been on a podium this year.

Hold on a second.

This is so fucking irritating.

Where is it?

Oh, they haven't done that one yet.

How about this one?

There's Deutschland.

There we go.

See, I had the wrong one.

I had the wrong one.

No, where the fuck is he?

I thought there was some German guy

that came in second yesterday.

It says Danny Pedrosa from Spain came in.

So whoever the fuck the guy was that came in second.

Congratulations.

And I actually learned something when I was watching the race as far as

just how amazing.

These guys come flying down the straightaway.

They're in that tuck.

And I love when they all, they fucking pop up and they stick their goddamn leg out, right?

I always feel like they're going to fall off the bike at that point.

And then it's all when you break, how you take the turn.

And this kid who was in second place came into the, I think it was turn one, and he just came in too hot, which caused him to go wide.

And Mark Marquez did it perfectly, and he just went right underneath him.

And but I guess the guy said something to the fact that he heated up his tires when you break that hard or something, and then you don't get as good a grip.

And that was basically, what do they say, something he

not creates space or something, but he broke away from them, he broke them or something.

I don't know.

I'm still learning the terminology, but they're fucking amazing.

You guys got to get into this.

Moto GP, because this thing is literally, it's 28 fucking laps, and you're watching people on motorcycles driving 200 miles an hour or 320 kilometers, which I've learned.

Every 50 miles an hour is about 80 kilometers.

So I always have to do the fucking math.

But it's easy because they're basically doing, well, like, like, I don't know, like 240 to 320 kilometers, except when they're in the turns, obviously.

So, they're basically going about 150 miles an hour, 140, all the way up to like 200.

The Italian one's the crazy one with this, the straightaway, where they actually get up over 200 miles an hour.

I mean, I just,

and

their ability to fall, how they fall, they even fall off the bikes gracefully, unless they high-side them.

And then the technology of the suit, where there's like an airbag in the suit that immediately detects that you've fallen off your bike, it inflates, it protects your vitals,

And then the leather is just such high quality or whatever they got.

They just slide down the track and they get up.

Dude, they fucking wipe out at 200 miles an hour and they get up like they fell off a tire swing at a cookout.

That's fucking unreal.

So congratulations to Mark Marquez.

I'm a big Ducati fan, so I like,

I root for the fucking, I root for the Italians.

You know,

I like that guy.

And you know what's great?

It's that guy from from Britain, though.

He's actually going to Honda, that Cal Crutchlow, he fucking rides like a maniac.

I also like Johan Zarko.

He's from France.

He rides a Yamaha, but

DeVizioso, I like.

I just love Ducati's.

I think they're a fucking work of art.

But if you ever wondered how much those bikes cost, I think they were worth like $2 million,

those bikes, something like that, million, two million bucks.

I love when they're going down the straightaway and they're fucking given so much throttle that the front tire comes up a little bit.

You got to understand at that point you're going 200 miles an hour and you don't have the in that split second, you don't have the ability to steer

when your tire is off the ground.

The fucking balls

that those guys have.

I stopped riding a bike because I couldn't ride, you know, but actually, you know something?

Probably riding the streets of LA

in your fucking dad jeans with your leather jacket on.

That's way, that is way more dangerous.

I don't have a fucking airbag.

If I ever get a motorcycle again, I want to buy one of those Moto GP fucking suits.

But the thing about it is, is even if you fall off, even if the fucking, the thing like inflates and all that shit, the difference is, is that the track, you don't have to worry about somebody coming in from the left or the right, driving a bus or an SUV and running you over and crushing you.

That's basically it.

Because I have to tell you, I would love...

In a perfect world, in a perfect world,

I would love to have a Ducati.

I've never ridden one, but everybody I know that ever rode one said you never ride anything else.

I mean, it's a little, like, I'm a, like I said, I'm a big fan of fucking machines.

And

there's, there's one on, there's a out here in LA on La Cienega, there's one.

And right up the streets from this vegetarian place when I'm not being a fucking moron and eating shitty pizza and drinking booze and smoking cigars like an asshole.

If I'm eating right, every time I go there, I always got to pop in there.

And then the guys go, hey, can I I help you?

I just want to be like, nah, I'm just a scared married guy with too much to lose.

I'm going to say that next time I come in there.

I've gone in this so many times, the guy probably knows me.

All right,

let me read some of these

advertisements here.

All right.

Did I talk about everything I wanted to talk about?

Oh, can I talk helicopters for a second?

So I got back into flying those fuckers.

I fly once a week.

I have a great time.

And last week, I flew great.

You know, I just, you know, I didn't really have to look down at my altitude.

I was just able to maintain it, pulling 19 inches on the fucking

inches gauge there, whatever the fuck you call it.

So I'm getting ready to solo again.

And,

you know,

the fucking hobby costs a goddamn fortune.

So I was sitting there thinking, like, you know,

buy a helicopter where the fucking I could just, you know, could get really good at this because I love it.

So, um,

oh, my daughter's crying.

She must have just woke up.

Anyways, um,

so the one, I'm not going to say the name of the one that I've flown, even though I've said it before.

Okay, this there's certain things with the design of that thing.

It's a two-bladed main rotor system.

It's over-slung

and semi-articulated, all this fucking ground school shit.

But basically, because of that, if you were for whatever stupid fucking reason, if you slammed the stick forward and got yourself into a low G situation, which is basically you'd feel like you were light in the seat, like there's a chance that you risk mass bumping, you risked shearing off the tail, you risked fucking with the mass bumping, the main rotor literally spinning off.

You watch it, hey, there's that thing that's producing lift, right?

And then you just crash to the ground.

Or if you get into a low G situation, literally the fucking thing could just start rolling to the right because the rear tail rotor is now compensating for the fucking main rotor that the helicopter is not loaded underneath anymore.

So when you go to the right, rather you think, oh my God, go to the left with the stick, you're actually supposed to go gentle, gentle.

As you're fucking rolling over, like, holy shit, am I going to be upside down in a second?

Rather than go back to the left, you're supposed to fucking override

that intuitive move, and you're supposed to go gentle acyclic so you don't shear your fucking

goddamn tail off.

And, you know, people with very little hours, all the way up to people with a ton of fucking hours, have died in those fucking things.

And the company that makes them, rather than fixing that fucking problem, has just basically told people what to do when that problem arises.

And if you don't do it correctly and you fucking die, they blame you.

You know?

So it's a lot like being in a relationship with a woman.

In that, it's always going to be your fault.

It's not what they did, it's how you reacted to it.

So,

you know, in order to get a fully articulated main rotor system where you can fucking basically, as my instructor said, fly like an asshole, which is stab the thing forward.

You know, I don't think in any of them you really should be doing any sort of quick fucking movements.

I don't think quick movements in any aviation is never fucking good unless you're getting shot at and you're in a fucking F-16.

But any sort of mass bumping, low-G, none of that bolt, like that's all taken off the table.

But the problem is, is to buy one of those, they're like well over a million dollars.

So

that kind of bugged me.

So I just kept doing my research and I found this French helicopter.

I'm going to say it wrong.

It's G-U-I-M-B-A-L Guyambal Cabri G2.

And it's a little more expensive than the one that I fly.

It has a fully articulated main rotor system.

And then all these other features, I forget what you call it when the tail rotor is completely enclosed.

You know, one of the major causes of deaths is like people walking into the fucking rear tail rotor.

They just don't see it.

This is why you have a passenger.

You have to tell them to stay in the fucking thing until they shut it off because I still don't know how you walk into a fan

that's making that much noise, but they do it.

They solve that.

They got like these, I don't know, these rubber fucking bushings and all this shit that, you know, like if you land, you're not going to turn your fucking spine.

If you have a hard landing, you're not going to turn your spine into goddamn,

you know,

gunpowder.

I really wish I had the article here.

All of this shit

that they had, it's basically they looked at what I flew and they addressed everything.

And then for an extra, you know, half a bag of cash, you can fly this thing and not have to deal with any of these fucking safety issues.

And

I looked it up and basically the only problem with it is because it's so safe now.

People are flying like assholes and they've had three of them crash.

And

one of the guys that crashed, now I I don't want to laugh because I don't know if they died or not, but what they did, it's still a carbureted engine, right?

So you can deal, you know, you always have to pull your carburetor here because you don't want the fucking

if it freezes up on you, the engine shuts off.

And, you know, you don't have to know a lot about aviation, that that's not a good thing.

So, what this fucking guy did was to show somebody that this, you can fucking stab the stick forward.

He stabbed it forward and started like nose diving down.

And because of the way the fuel line was, it caused not enough fuel to be going through the carburetor, and he fucking stalled.

What?

Why do people do that?

If I ever got one of those things, I would still fly it the way I fly the fucking thing that I fly now.

And I would just feel lucky that, you know, God forbid, if I was ever flying and I hit some turbulence that caused, you know, the helicopter to fucking nose over or something like that, I don't have to worry about me rolling to the right and having to remember to slowly go aft cyclic to fucking reload the thing.

I mean, that actually affects like where I fly out here, the time of year.

Like, I won't go out into like the fucking desert or something like that during the summer because I don't need all that fucking turbulent air throwing me around, knowing at any second I could start rolling to the right.

I just don't want to deal with that shit.

So, I find this fucking thing.

Now, the only downside that I found, there's always a downside, right?

Is that this thing, because it's European, the main rotor actually spins the other way, which I didn't think would be that big a deal.

But what it actually does is

all my muscle memory is for a main rotor that goes counterclockwise.

This spins clockwise.

So all the times when I think left pedal, it's now right pedal.

But I talked to my instructor, he said it's about three hours, and you start getting it down, and then you're fine.

But then, you know, three hours, I mean, three hours, I get to fly in a helicopter.

I'll have a great fucking time.

And then I just keep flying the same one

every time.

Then I get it down.

Then I have this really safe thing that I can fly around.

It's got a little compartment you can put stuff in.

It's a little fucking two-seater.

Check it out.

G-U-I-M-B-A-L

Cabri, C-A-B-R-I-G-2.

I mean, I think that the shit,

there's always concerns with any fucking new helicopter, whatever, but I just feel like it addressed all the safety issues that fucking,

you know, anytime I solo, I'm just thinking about that, which is good because I had, you know, the guys who trained me were great.

So I'm always thinking about that shit.

And

but, you know, you read up on it a lot, and it becomes like this fucking terrifying thing that I really don't feel like

I don't feel like dealing with.

So

I don't know.

All right, everybody, it's five-hour energy.

Do you need a boost that tastes like a potty?

Confetti craze from 5-Hour Energy is here to deliver big birthday energy in a tiny bottle.

These shots are tiny and resealable.

It's easy to bring that big birthday energy with you.

It's buttery, vanilla-y,

vanilla-y,

and basically tastes like the best birthday cake ever.

This limited-time flavor brings the party wherever you go with as much caffeine as a fancy 12-ounce coffee, but with zero sugar and zero crash.

So you can be unapologetically extra and unstoppably energized.

Whether you're powering through your to-do list or showing up with the main character energy, confetti craze makes every moment a celebration five hour energy confetti craze flavor is available online head to www.5houenergy.com or amazon to order yours um or you can go to five hour energy.com oh look who it is it's mood

um

let me tell you about the let me tell you about uh Let me tell you about the online cannabis company that's revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges from sleepless nights to stress-filled days.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% of federally legal THC blends.

They'll deliver them directly right to your doorstep.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code BURR.

And they're epic euphoria gummies, dude.

They're perfect for those days when nothing's going right and you just need to hit the reset button on your crap mood.

Yeah, trick your brain into acting like

you appreciate that extra nickel per quarter they just gave you.

That makes these different.

What makes these different, sorry, is how they've paired THC with other cannaboids with herbs and aptaptogens.

You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere else for that matter.

They have gummies for literally every immune support, menopause, relief, PMS, symptoms, mental clarity, and sexual

arousal.

And each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but as mentioned, listeners get 20% off their first order with the code BURR.

So head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and the perfect perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code BURR at checkout to save 20%

off your first order.

Hey parents, have you been thinking about homeschooling?

Choosing the right curriculum can feel overwhelming, but it doesn't have to.

At the Good and the Beautiful, we offer complete high-quality homeschool courses.

And the best part, our K through 8 math and language arts programs are completely free to download.

Homeschooling can transform your family, allowing more flexibility, deeper learning, and quality time together.

Start your journey today for free at goodandbeautiful.com.

I just wish, you know, you know what I really wish?

I just wish fucking schools around here start buying those things so I can rent those instead, because I mean

it's still too much money.

It's too much fucking money.

But I'm just saying,

you know, in a fantasy world, I would have one of those and I'd ride a Ducati to it with an airbag suit on and there'd be no bus to run me over if I ever fucking laid it down.

But we all know that that's not the case.

So, you know, maybe I'll just get a poster and put it on the wall in my garage.

That's what, that's what being a married guy is.

In your garage, you have a poster of all this shit you'd buy if you didn't have the responsibilities.

Oh, God,

that actually made me a little sad.

All right, I know this is some people up in Oregon that sell them, I believe.

They finally got, I guess, raided over here, whatever the terminology is.

But I fucking love them, and it's a great-looking helicopter, too.

I fucking love them, man.

I'm hoping more, so I'm just giving them free advertising, hoping more people start to use them.

All right, F1, hey there, Billy Boy.

Mercedes has 1,500 people working on two cars simultaneously, 1,498 of which probably went to prestigious colleges and graduate schools,

none of which get to race these cars.

The two employees that race these inverted rocket ship cars hated school as kids.

At At least Lewis Hamilton admitted to it.

Your thoughts?

Oh, what?

That the Tom Brady gets all the fucking credit?

Well, yeah.

Absolutely.

This is like white hidden figures.

The end of the day, the person that gets in the fucking rocket,

you know, be it the monkey, the dog, or a fucking human being who gets in the thing and actually fucking rides it.

You know, what do you, those 1,498 people, if Lewis Hamilton had a fatal fucking accident, they have the luxury of walking around away from it, feeling bad that it happened, whereas Lewis would be dead.

So

that's why he gets to bang Rihanna.

I mean, I don't know what to tell you.

I thought you were going to explain why

the Mercedes team and the Ferrari team are so much,

you know, better than everybody else.

But the more I read about F1, it seems like people go through phases.

Like I said, Red Bull won three years in a row.

McLaren used to be the shit.

Martini Williams had their run.

So I don't know.

Maybe this is just the era of the Mercedes.

Ferrari's been doing shit for a long time, obviously.

God, it's the biggest understatement ever.

I'll never forget the look on that guy's face when I said good race after Montreal when they came in like eighth, or no, you came in like fourth.

just watching the guy go from a Vettel go from the back all the way up to almost a podium is what I was trying to say.

And this guy fucking looked at me.

I thought it was a dead man.

Anyways, he goes, lots of luck at Count Basie Theater.

Hope you kill it.

Will not be in attendance due to you guessed it.

School.

Ciao.

All right.

Father and son circumnavigating the globe in a helicopter.

Well, how the fuck do you do that?

You'd have to go up to Alaska, cross over to Russia?

Oh, I got to see this.

Hey, Bill,

thought you might find this interesting.

Canadian father and son are circumnavigating the globe in a helicopter.

Here's a link to the article.

Oh, that's nothing about that helicopter, it can fly up to like five hours.

Where the one I fly, I mean, two and a half hours, and then you put it on the ground.

So, um,

I don't know, it's fucking amazing.

Oh, now now look at this.

I gotta copy and paste this.

Let's stay patient.

Let's just

note this thought here.

You're sitting on the bus watching the tra

not on the bus, I'm sitting on a bench waiting for a bus, watching the traffic going by.

Oh, come on, you fucking cunt.

Is it that difficult?

All right, take off, eh?

Helicopter father and son team begin global odyssey.

Dude, look at their fucking helicopter.

Holy shit.

Wow.

Yeah, these guys are the real deal, though.

Do they get sponsors?

Look at their fucking flight suits.

Bob and Steve Dengler embark on a 39,000-kilometer trip around the world to celebrate Canadian history and support charities.

That's kind of annoying, flying through your country and they're celebrating Canada.

Go fuck yourself.

Celebrate the world or fly around us.

For a year and a half, my father, Bob, and I have been planning and organizing a journey we call C-150 Global Odyssey.

It's the first Canadian circumnavigation of the globe by helicopter and the world's first ever father-son aerial circumnavigation.

I don't give a shit about all this other than your plan.

Oh, here we go.

Here we go.

Oh, you know what?

I guess they're cool with Russia.

They're cool with Russia.

So I don't know where they're going to.

Okay, they start, the start, finish.

Uh, but looks to be somewhere in the Toronto area.

All right.

So they're gonna zigzag across

oh, they're going the other way.

They're gonna zig over over to the fucking Maritimes, up to fucking Greenland.

Jesus, that's fucking scary.

Right there, over that fucking ice-cold water.

Then Greenland to fucking Iceland.

How long is that flight?

Iceland over to fucking Ireland, down into Paris, across Europe,

across fucking.

No, I'm sorry, England.

That's England there, okay.

Then they go across to Eastern Europe, then right through Moscow to Russia,

right back over to fucking

cross over to Alaska, and then they come back.

Down to Vancouver, up to fucking Yellowknife for whatever fucking reason.

I guess they're celebrating Canada.

You have to go over those fucking Rocky Mountains, too.

That's scary.

We start in Vaughan, and our first stop is the Canadian Aviation and Space Museum in Ottawa, where a grand send-off is planned.

From there, we fly east along St.

Lawrence to Newfoundland.

I guess I could have read this instead of trying to guess with their map.

North along the keys of Labrador to Iqualuit.

Iqualuit.

East, then through Greenland and Iceland.

and the Faroe Islands to the UK, then through Europe and into Russia.

A full third of our trip is through Russia.

Exclamation point.

They're excited because they're Canadian.

They get along with people.

We return to North America via Alaska and then zigzag in Canada to visit as many places as possible.

We finish up back in Vaughan, taking 35 to 40 days in total.

We'll be flying some of the most far-flung and beautiful places in Canada and drinking deeply from its diverse beauty.

Oh, I thought they're gonna be boozing.

I was like, these guys are nuts.

Urban skylines, Arctic seas, winds.

Ah, you motherfucker.

God bless these two.

What a great fucking thing to do.

More importantly, what kind of helicopter is that?

That's a fully articulated rotor system.

No fucking

rolling over the right as your dad's sliding into you.

Holy shit.

That's fucking amazing.

I want to keep up on that.

When do they say they're doing it?

Starting July 1st.

They're already off on their way.

Can I follow it?

They're like dad and son Amelia Earhart.

Except they're going to make it, right?

All right.

Well, good for them.

What a helicopter talk this week.

All right.

Here we go.

Weird new co-worker.

Hey, Billy, hold your nuts.

I might have gone over the line at work and want to know your or Nia's input

would be on this.

Okay, long story short, I essentially quit my job today because a co-worker was taking pictures of me.

Before you jump to any conclusions, hear me out, and you might agree with me in the end.

I don't like that somebody's taking it.

It sounds like you didn't want your picture taken.

This Monday, we got a new employee that basically acts like she's in a reality show.

The first day, I thought she might be joking around by doing the classic go from one person to the next and whisper, turning around, talk about the other employees in the room.

Okay, go from one person to the next and whisper,

turn around, talk about the other employees in the room.

Because she's already talking shit about everybody.

But then I realized she's just crazy.

She has taken pictures and videos of all the men at work and shared them with her Snapchat or Instagram or whatever crap it is she uses to communicate with other people that are on her level.

Sounds like she's trying to get a reality show herself or become famous or something.

The first time she did this, she was standing a few feet away from me and did a 180 jump spin that would have made Dennis Rodman proud, and with her phone, she took a picture and said that one was for Instagram.

It startled the hell out of me, and I plainly said, Don't take pictures of me.

Over the day, she continued to take pictures of the rest of the guy without consent, of course, and I got to see a couple of them.

One was of my boss's ass with the text over it that said,

Debt booty, though.

Oh, God, this is, yeah, this is somebody who just spends too much time on the internet.

I don't know why you quit your job.

You should just go to, don't you guys just go to HR?

So, the only thing that finally got me was when I was restocking the shelves and realized after walking across the store that I felt I was being watched.

I looked up and saw her grinning while holding her phone, and I asked her if she had taken a video of me.

She said she was taking a video of the rain outside, and I happened to walk across the path.

Obviously, bullshit.

I called her bluff and asked her to show me the video from the beginning.

And it's clear that it starts and ends with me, 20 seconds of me wheeling merchandise around.

You can barely see a window on the back where you can't even tell it's raining.

She's standing 60 feet away from the fucking window.

All right.

Now, before you say, ah, maybe she likes you, dude, I'm on your side and wants to see you.

Let me be clear: no one is touching themselves to a video of a guy with the dad baud wheeling around merchandise.

It's not that, and she knows I'm happy in my relationship with my longtime girlfriend, regardless.

I complained to my boss, who after two days finally talked to her about it, and then she told me

she said I walked in front of a rain video she was making.

I said if it was the other way around and it was a guy taking videos of women, I'm sure that would have been grounds for dismissal.

Absolutely.

I also forgot to mention that she went through my boss's text when he wasn't looking to see which women were were talking to him.

It pissed me off that he was more than willing to believe that she was suddenly a part-time

meteorologist than just believing me that it was the 40th video of that kind she was taking of us.

So I kind of snapped and told him not to bother insulting our intelligence by trying to believe his excuse.

And I said, if she tells him the picture of his ass,

wait, and I said, if she tells him the picture of his ass she took was intended to be a picture of morning fog until he got in the way to just keep it to himself and I quit.

Ah, dude, you snapped.

You snapped.

You know why?

Sorry, dude, I got the volume up too high.

You know why you snapped?

Because, like me, you had expectations and you lost your patience.

And that caused you to lose your fucking mind.

And you know what?

You're 100% in the right.

At least I'm hearing your side of the story here.

So what do you think?

Did I go too far?

Should I have given her time to adjust?

I'm sure you deal with unwanted pictures of you every day, but I'm not famous and haven't done anything to deserve this.

Yeah, I mean, exactly.

That's it.

I mean, you're not jumping around like a monkey on stage.

I feel like I'm being followed by the worst PI, and I can't

help it.

It gives me anxiety.

As far as I know, she's already has pictures of me with the eyes cut out at home.

The way I see it, I'm not wasting time waiting until a co-worker grows up to learn the difference between right and wrong.

She happens to be 19, but I'm talking about mental maturity

because I've worked alongside teenagers before who know perfectly well what the appropriate way to believe, to behave at work is.

And this job pays lousy enough that it's no big loss as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks.

And I hope you and Nia have a little, and the little one have a good 4th of July.

You guys are A-plus family, as far as I'm concerned.

Thank you very much.

I agree with you 100%.

The only thing is she's 19,

so I think they just need to talk to her.

I wish she didn't quit your job, but it sounds like you're not really worried, so I don't think it was your dream job.

I mean, maybe her behavior opened the door for something.

You got to turn it into a positive.

And you also have to learn, like I'm trying to learn with my behavior in Verizon in the fucking bank this week.

You know, you know what it was?

Was you asked her nicely.

She ignored

what you asked her not to do.

You went to the person of authority, and he swept it under the rug, and then that was enough to make you fucking snap.

I completely understand that.

I think your behavior is completely normal.

I'm surprised you didn't tell your boss to go f fuck himself.

But at the end of the day, you know, you don't have a job now.

So

and you're actually a good guy.

I mean, I what what did the guy say when you quit?

He was all right with that?

I think kids grow up today, and they,

because they so overshare on all of these things, their boundaries with privacy is pretty much non-existent.

I mean, there was like a famous woman who took a video of an older woman naked in the locker room going, oh my God, look at her old ass.

She got into like, and like, she had no idea.

That's like, why would you do that to somebody?

That's somebody's mom or their grandmother, but I don't know.

People are.

It's bad.

and I gotta be honest with you, it's bad enough when someone comes up to you and just takes a picture you don't want, but when people walk up with the video already on,

um,

yeah,

I don't like that, and even with what I do, because you know, they're usually an extremely selfish person, and the whole moment is about them.

And,

you know, that whole, oh man, YOLO, look at my life right now, shaking my head, whatever the fucking dumb shit that they're doing.

It really is funny, though, when you watch these fucking kids on like Instagram and everything.

Everybody's acting like they have like a hit show and that they're like these celebrities themselves.

Like always taking like, you know, Snapchat, fucking pictures of like the food they're eating, the car that they're in, the fucking view that they have.

Everybody's like acting like,

I don't know, that they're flying.

Everybody's trying to act like they're flying around in a fucking private jet.

I don't understand it.

But I'm also, I'm realizing that I'm fucking old.

So

I don't know.

I don't know.

I think you reacted in a normal fucking way.

I wish you didn't quit your job, though, because I think you're 100% right.

In the future, I would just go to HR and when you're go to your boss, and when he doesn't, I would make a formal complaint,

and that would stop it.

But I would know at that point that I would hate that 19-year-old so much that it would be hard to even be around her.

Like,

I have a big issue with forgiving people.

Like, once you're in the cunt column,

it's kind of a life sentence.

So, there you go.

Yeah, move on with your life and just kind of learn from that shit.

But good for you for speaking up.

But don't do anything else.

Don't go back to the fucking business like a lunatic and fucking key somebody's car or anything that just fucking walk away from it.

All right, girlfriend's opportunity.

Hey, Billy Red Wings.

So, my girlfriend is really doing well at work.

She's been offered a job in Switzerland.

She would rather move in with me and stay in the United States.

I feel that she's missing out on a great career opportunity and should go.

I love her, but I'm not in love with her yet.

She's also considering leaving her job, too.

I like our relationship, but I'm more practical.

You should take advantage of things that come across in your life.

What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are: you don't have the balls to break up with her, and she's committing to you in a way that you're not prepared for, and you need to break up with her and tell her to go to Switzerland and not quit her fucking job.

That was an easy one.

I love her, but I'm not in love with her yet.

And you're going to fuck, she's going to quit her job and move in with you because she's head over fucking heels.

Oh, boy, dude.

Yeah.

Tell her to go to Switzerland and fuck some blue-eyed fucking

specimen.

Blue-eyed, blonde-haired specimen.

And forget about you.

All right, girlfriend wants me to change my name.

Dear Bill, I'm a huge, longtime fan of yours from the younger generation.

F1s.

F1's for family is.

Oh, F is for family.

God, I can't even read my name on my own.

Fucking, that's an I.

F is for family is fucking awesome.

Can't wait for season three to come out to see what happens next.

Well, thank you.

I was hoping you could give me your two cents on this situation.

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful young lady for over two years now.

We met at a community college in my state and hit it off really quickly.

She's smart, outgoing, beautiful.

Community college, easy.

Oh, what the smart thing there.

All right.

No, I'm kidding.

A lot of smart people go to community college.

They do.

They just fucking scatterbrained.

A lot of dopes go there, too.

She's smart, outgoing, beautiful,

and has a great sense of humor.

She's a tall, slim, black girl, while I am a greasy-haired Italian white guy, and we get along great.

The problem

first started with my dad.

He's a total racist, and since

we can't afford to put me in a real university, I have to live with him.

I've tried to get him to change his ways, but it's like you said in your act.

Old men like him come from a different era, so there's probably zero chance he'll ever change his mind.

Yeah, you can't change somebody's mind.

They have have to want to.

I told my girlfriend how frustrating it is with him, and she understands that even though my dad hates her and doesn't want us to be together, that I'm nothing like him, at least where it counts.

Even though I can't stand my dad's attitude, I know that

he only wants the best for me.

So I try to be a good boyfriend and a good son while keeping my father and girlfriend separate from each other.

We also spend time out at her or out at her place, and Shoey comes over to my place when my father is on a business retreat.

Jesus Christ, this is complex.

It's really inconvenient, but we've been making it work for over two years in spite of the tribulation, and we're still going strong.

It seems like I got everything figured out.

All right.

Jesus, this is a fucking long one.

Seems like I got everything figured out, Bill.

But here's where things get tricky.

Since I'm his firstborn son, my dad named him after himself.

Since

same first name, middle name, and last name.

My girlfriend hates that the guy she's been in a serious relationship with for a long time has the same name as a cantankerous old racist dago.

I like how you're being racist about yourself, greasy Italian dago.

Anyways, who hates her sexy black ass for no justifiable reason?

Jesus Christ.

It sounds like bad fucking dialogue in a porno.

She wants me to legally change my name completely, first, middle, and last, so that there is no connection to my father whatsoever.

When I asked her what name she thinks I should have, dude, this is, I don't believe this.

You gotta be shitting me.

She said I could change my last name to the same as her, her name, last name,

parentheses, what the fuck.

I told her that if it would make her happy, I would be willing to change my name.

But if I did that, my dad would feel betrayed.

He would hate her even more for stealing away, stealing only son away from him, and the rest of the family would think I'm a total.

trying to dissociate myself from them, which is totally not the case.

She got upset with with me and has given me regular reminders since then that she's serious about wanting me to go through with this.

This isn't the first time I've considered changing my name even before I started dating this woman.

It's a very Italian-sounding name.

So what?

You're very Italian.

That people always made fun of me for throughout school, so I've come to dislike it myself.

Yeah, dude, you got a lot of self-loathing going on here.

Italians are the shit.

Who makes better food than you?

Huh?

Japanese.

No, you guys make like the best food on the fucking planet.

The Ferrari, the Ducati.

You fucking women, the Mediterranean lifestyle.

Dog, what are you walking away from here?

So, Bill, what the fuck should I do here?

How can I make things right with my girlfriend as well as my dad without accepting one party or the other?

She stopped introducing me to people using my name and she only refers to me as my boyfriend.

I've been able to

circumvent hostility between my dad and my girlfriend before, but I've totally

lost with this one.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

that's funny.

And he fucking leaves his name off.

Here's a deal, too.

First of all,

this isn't about your dad and this isn't about your girlfriend.

This is about you.

Okay?

You date who the fuck you want to date, and your name is your fucking name.

And your heritage is your fucking heritage.

All right?

Like, what if her fucking her parents didn't like you because you were white and you said, okay, you're named after your mom.

I can't stand your mom.

Change your fucking name and I'm going to pick the name and it's not going to sound like, you know,

I guess black people don't have their fucking ethnic names anymore, do they?

Thank you, white people.

But you know what I mean.

Yeah, fuck that, dude.

You can't do that shit.

You can't do that shit.

Fuck that.

Your name is your name and you're Italian and you should be fucking proud of it, okay?

And you're not your dad and she needs to fucking accept that.

You're not changing your fucking name.

And if she has a problem, she can fucking walk away.

She can fucking walk.

All right?

You know what you really need to do?

You need to get out of your fucking house and you need to fucking build your own life.

Okay?

And you need to be with somebody.

Like, this is fucking nuts.

Like, I got to tell you, dude, like, that.

If you thought about shit, if that came from you, that's one thing.

But the fact that she fucking wants you to do that, that's fucking insane.

Don't do it.

You know what?

giving into everybody else, and you're not staying true to yourself.

You got to figure out what the fuck you want, and you have to be yourself.

Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Your dad is who the fuck he is.

Your girlfriend is who she is, and you're who you are, okay?

And you should be proud of who the fuck you are.

Work on the stuff you need to work on and be proud

of your heritage.

I don't fucking get that at all.

You know, I know a number of people, like Italians, they always say it's too Italian sounding name.

Who fucking gives a shit?

I don't understand.

Like, I don't know.

I wouldn't do that.

I miss all the fucking ethnic names.

Everybody homogenized their fucking names.

I think it's interesting when you meet somebody

that's like that.

So I think you need to pump the brakes here, sir.

All right?

Because now it's getting fucking crazy.

And

yeah, don't do that to your dad.

Don't change your fucking name.

Who gives a shit?

He's an old crabby fucking racist.

This is the deal, dude.

He's going to die someday, alright?

And you're going to continue on.

So, what you haven't done yet is you haven't created your own life.

You're still living at home with this guy.

So you have to fucking move out.

Alright?

The name he gave you is the name that he fucking gave you.

Don't change it because of his stupid fucking thoughts.

Okay?

Embrace who the fuck you are.

And if this woman, you can't fucking deal with it, tell her to walk.

Tell her to fucking walk.

You're young.

There's plenty of fish in the fucking sea.

Jesus Christ, you're gonna fucking bend over that far?

You're bending over backwards, flip.

You're like your fucking gymnasts.

You know, when they do those things, hands, foot, hand, foot, hand, foot, all the way across the fucking

diagonally across the goddamn mat.

Fuck that.

Fuck all of that, you know?

I liked your girlfriend at first.

By the end of this fucking thing, I didn't like her.

Okay, because she's waging war with your dad through you.

And you're innocent.

All right?

You're the guy taking her out for a fucking ice cream.

Why do you got to do all this shit?

Yeah, what the?

I mean, Jesus Christ.

Her telling you to change your fucking name would be you telling her to go get a go.

Can you get like a weave, like a blonde weave or some shit like that?

I mean, what the fuck?

You got to be who the fuck you are.

God bless you, you talion son of a bitch.

Stay true to your heritage.

Stay true to your fucking name.

Continue not to be racist.

And fucking just

be yourself.

Change your fucking name.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Anyways, all right, that's the podcast for this week.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Have a happy, safe

4th of July.

And if you're not in this country, enjoy your fucking Tuesday.

So, if you're in the habit of putting people down

just because they're different from the wrong side of town, well, don't count away medals on lipping not on you.

But what you need,

what you need,

what you need is a change of habit.

At Womblebond Dickinson, we're thrilled to announce our combination with Lewis Roca, uniting two firms to bring you a world of opportunity.

Spanning 37 offices and with over 1,300 top attorneys across the U.S.

and UK, we are equipped to handle your full range of legal needs here at home and across the globe.

From safeguarding innovations to resolving disputes, we deliver powerful solutions with the trusted, personal touch you deserve.

Wherever you're you're heading, we're better together.

Visit WumbleBumBickinson.com today.