Styles, Car Shopping, Checking Out | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-3-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 2 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep

Speaker 2 coming.

Speaker 10 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 9 Terms apply.

Speaker 11 hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in.

Speaker 11 Check it in on you. Wow.

Speaker 11 How are you? How's it going? Oh, look at that sad Charlie Brown looking tree.

Speaker 11 I like those trees. I'm one of those people, you know, you know, you ever see like an uh, you ever see Christmas? What's the deal with Christmas, everybody?

Speaker 11 You know, when you go down to get a fucking tree,

Speaker 11 you know, when you bought yourself a Ford F-250 6.7 turbo diesel regular cab, eight-foot fucking bed, and you don't even hammer one nail the whole year, but once a year you get a fucking Christmas tree and you have a reason to use your truck?

Speaker 11 You know, when you go down there,

Speaker 11 you see the Christmas trees, right? Bunch of fucking shrubs. You got the full ones,

Speaker 11 right? The fatties,

Speaker 11 not questioning anything.

Speaker 11 just fucking eating loaded nachos, loaded

Speaker 11 fucking cheese whiz

Speaker 11 all over the top, you know.

Speaker 11 Oh shit, oh god, here we go. Gonna sneeze.
Is it gonna happen? Look at the sky.

Speaker 11 There we go. That's what you just gotta make it happen at some point.
You gotta rip the band-aid off. You just can't sit there with your face all twisted up.
People think that you're having a stroke.

Speaker 11 Anyway, fuck, I'm going to sneeze again. Hang on.
Looking at

Speaker 11 the sky.

Speaker 11 Sorry. Excuse me.

Speaker 11 Sneeze is coming threes. We all know this.
So anyway, you go down there to get your fucking tree and there's all those, those full fatties.

Speaker 11 The loaded nacho people, right?

Speaker 11 Wearing workout clothes. Not working out, just wearing them because they're comfortable.

Speaker 11 Just waddling up the fucking street,

Speaker 11 right? Same shape as a fucking Christmas tree, pointy head and all. Just stick a fucking star on them and some sort of fucking salt and sugar-infused pretzel,

Speaker 11 some unholy matrimony of

Speaker 11 German and Mexican food, you know, of like a chimichura in the in the shape of a fucking onse pretzel, right?

Speaker 2 Fienus Nitzel with the cinnamon salt as a water.

Speaker 11 That's what another thing, too. Like,

Speaker 11 I think that's another sign of the apocalypse. Like, all this, you know,

Speaker 11 you know, Asian infuse this and

Speaker 11 Greek infuse that, and fucking all of this shit. It's just like, dude, we've done it.
We're done.

Speaker 11 Okay?

Speaker 11 There's nothing more for us to discover. You know,

Speaker 11 we're mashing up music that was already made.

Speaker 11 We're out of ideas.

Speaker 11 It's like my wife's fucking car.

Speaker 11 You don't need any of this stupid shit.

Speaker 11 They're just creating new shit that you don't even fucking need. Like back in the day, you know, you could see where, you know, as you pulled into a parking spot, you could see the fucking lines.

Speaker 11 You can't see it anymore. So now we got to have the camera.

Speaker 11 I talked about this before.

Speaker 11 This has been discussed.

Speaker 11 Anyway, look at this guy walking his dog down the street. Do you think guys really love dogs or they love the fact that the dog gives them an excuse to get out of the fucking house?

Speaker 11 You know, it's harder for a woman to lose weight. Well, you never take the dog for a walk.

Speaker 11 And why is that? Because you win every argument. So there's no reason to go walk something off.
I gotta walk off losing, even though, even when I know I'm right.

Speaker 11 That's how we stay in shape.

Speaker 11 Winning, being right, yet still losing the argument and then having to take a walk. That burns calories.
The anger alone, you know,

Speaker 11 your furnace is going.

Speaker 11 My wife's watching that fucking show. I don't know.
I can't remember the name. She just keeps watching this fucking show.

Speaker 11 Interracial Island is what I keep calling it. Whore Island, underage island.
I don't know what it is, but like they just have a bunch of 20-somethings and they're all sleeping in the same room and

Speaker 11 walking around half naked and

Speaker 11 bondage themes and shit. It's just, I keep

Speaker 11 saying, like, you're a fucking creep. Like,

Speaker 11 why are you watching this shit? She says, nah, I just, you know,

Speaker 11 Bill, you're like the only person who's not watching this. That's not true.
That is not true. I'm going to say that isn't true.
Well, you don't know what you're talking about. And what happens?

Speaker 11 What happens? She watches a show, I go for a walk, I go for a walk. There's this lady walking up a steep hill, she's got the giant visor on

Speaker 11 and uh, hands on her hips, staring at the ground. Every once in a while, she looks up.

Speaker 11 There's got to be one of the most insane visors I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 11 You know, like in all those platoon Vietnam movies when they have Vietnamese people and the rice patties with those giant fucking hats,

Speaker 11 Like that's how big the visor is

Speaker 11 oh now she's going oh no, she's doing the sideways. She's doing the sideways crossover with the legs.
Look at her getting ready for the NFL combine

Speaker 11 Anyway

Speaker 11 The fuck is my point. Oh, yeah getting back to the Christmas trees

Speaker 11 Getting back to the Christmas trees. I uh I like those sad Charlie Brown looking ones.
I don't know what it is about them.

Speaker 11 They they just did they're clean looking and I feel like you don't need as many ornaments.

Speaker 11 You know? You know what it's like? It's the difference between three or four cool tattoos on your arm or getting a sleeve.

Speaker 11 Like, I think a sleeve, unless you murdered somebody or you're in like a biker gang,

Speaker 11 you know.

Speaker 11 You shouldn't be allowed to get one. You should not be, or you're a rock star.
You shouldn't be allowed to get a fucking

Speaker 11 sleeve tattoo unless you're like an interesting person.

Speaker 11 Can they make a documentary about your life that would be a hit? Like people would be talking about it.

Speaker 11 Or are you just somebody who's dressed

Speaker 11 a certain way? You know those guys where they have like I love the sleeve tattoo with like the fade haircut and the giant bushy beard. Like, you're gonna, you're gonna do that.

Speaker 11 Um,

Speaker 11 and then you can't even see what the fuck it is. What is it? I don't know what any of that is.
And then you start looking at it, and then yeah, I

Speaker 11 bond scott. That's the way, if you're gonna get a bunch of tattoos on your arm, I say you go Bond Scott

Speaker 11 as opposed to getting the sleeve, unless you've murdered someone, you're in a motorcycle gang, or you're a rock star. That's it.

Speaker 11 Or if you're a hot chick, right, and you're good at pool.

Speaker 11 And the arm that rocks back and forth like a pendulum before she kicks your ass and runs the table.

Speaker 11 That person should have a sleeve tattoo. You know?

Speaker 11 Not someone that makes, you know, artisan cupcakes in a newly gentrified neighborhood.

Speaker 11 Oh, look at Bill. Bill making rules for society.
Who the fuck do you think you are?

Speaker 11 You know, what's the funniest one to me is when the guy goes totally bald and then he gets like a giant

Speaker 11 insect tattooed on the top of his head.

Speaker 11 And it's just like, that's got to be the only thing worse than a toupee.

Speaker 11 Like, why did you do that?

Speaker 11 We all know you're a bald dad. You're on the other side of it.
I don't give a shit that you got a fucking daddy long legs on your

Speaker 11 black widow

Speaker 11 on your fucking head. Man, there's a lot of people with hats in this neighborhood.
The sun isn't even out.

Speaker 11 Oh, he's got a Scottish Terrier.

Speaker 11 Oh, my God.

Speaker 11 How bad is this guy's breath? There's just something about a Scottish Terrier that you can just smell the stuffiness of somebody's house. You know?

Speaker 11 That chessboard that's been set up for years and no one's played it.

Speaker 11 You know,

Speaker 11 because his last partner fucking, you know, passed away or some shit.

Speaker 11 And now you're just sitting there with all these artifacts

Speaker 11 of a social life that no longer exists. So there's only one thing left to do.
You got to get a Scottish Terrier. walk them around your neighborhood with the fucking Hannibal Lecter hat on.

Speaker 11 It's got to be strange for the dog.

Speaker 11 It's got to be weird to be a dog and just know you're going to outlive your owner.

Speaker 11 Do you think dogs say the same thing? You know, where they say, parents, you should never outlive your kids. Do you think dogs think that about their owners? Am I doing 80s stand-up right now?

Speaker 11 I think I am. What's the deal?

Speaker 11 All right, anyway,

Speaker 11 I am the most relaxed I've been in, I think, like a fucking year

Speaker 11 being back out here in LA.

Speaker 11 And I came out here, dude. I was wound tight and I could feel myself.
I was coming at my wife, you know.

Speaker 11 I was gibbering and jabbering and poking and prodding, just fucking being a douche. But I was able to stop myself and I told her, I said,

Speaker 11 I am like,

Speaker 11 like, I swear to God, like, go, I could chew my way through a fucking chain link fence right now. Like, I am just wound up.

Speaker 11 This is why I never did cocaine. Like, I am, like, my natural, like, my resting heart rate is gacked.

Speaker 11 I go from gacked and then I slip down to morose. I never get into relaxation.
Like, I push through relaxations and I just keep going down and down, like that guy in the submersible, right?

Speaker 11 Until I get down to the Titanic and it all fucking implodes. But I've learned now that when I come back

Speaker 11 from a long gig, and this is the longest gig I ever had, I just need to do three days of nothing.

Speaker 11 All right?

Speaker 11 Three days of nothing.

Speaker 11 And

Speaker 11 doing nothing is really hard for me.

Speaker 11 Because all the demons, you know, start rolling around in my brain, but but I just made myself do it. I just fucking, I was like, I'm not doing shit.

Speaker 11 You know, I watched that Gene Hackman movie,

Speaker 11 Nightlife,

Speaker 11 which I'm still trying to process.

Speaker 11 Movie was a little,

Speaker 11 I don't know. I definitely recommend it.

Speaker 11 But it's, it's like,

Speaker 11 there's a couple of like, what, wait, what happened? What the fuck just happened? But Gene Hackman, of course, is great. Everybody's great in the movie.

Speaker 11 Definitely those, there's a couple of edits where you're like, there's like major chunks we'll cut out of this fucking movie.

Speaker 11 Anyway,

Speaker 11 so I watched that, and then I felt myself getting so fucking wound up.

Speaker 11 I'm just doing this for the other psychos out here, so you don't drive your wife nuts. Then I, I just, I worked out a little bit, then I chilled, you know,

Speaker 11 and

Speaker 11 I just said, all right, this is going to be hard, but after three days,

Speaker 11 you're going to be fine. And here's the third day you know

Speaker 11 the the end of it yesterday

Speaker 11 is whenever i'm trying to chill or meditate i always listen to the second side of the jane's addiction album uh ritual de la habitual however you say it as a gringo

Speaker 11 um

Speaker 11 i just put on three days

Speaker 11 you know

Speaker 11 Which is sort of this trippy song, but then it gets like really loud and then it comes down and then it gets loud again. You know, it's kind of like where the fuck I am.

Speaker 11 And then it goes into that next song,

Speaker 11 whatever that next song is, just beautiful guitar. And some of my favorite drumming of that entire decade is on that track.

Speaker 11 Three days on, and it comes out of that, and

Speaker 11 we worked outside at the corner.

Speaker 12 Dun

Speaker 11 yeah,

Speaker 11 hey, yeah, where did you go?

Speaker 11 I don't know. That's all.

Speaker 11 We went laughing through the garbage. That whole fucking shit.

Speaker 11 That brings me down.

Speaker 11 And now I'm like totally chill. And like, I don't ever want to work again.

Speaker 11 No, I'm kidding. I went out to Flappers last night with Dean Del Rey.

Speaker 11 I tried a bunch of new shit.

Speaker 11 It went great. I had a great time.
And there was this one woman. Every once in a while, there's just someone you just fucking line up with.

Speaker 11 She was off to my left, and she was dying, laughing at everything that I said. And I was just sort of fee.

Speaker 11 After a while, I just was sort of listening to her, just trying to wind her up, like get her going,

Speaker 11 because I was just, oh, wow, she laughed at that too. All right, I'm going to go a little further.
You know, and you start to lose other parts of the crowd, you know.

Speaker 11 I started fixating just on that, you know what I mean?

Speaker 11 Like, like a like a fucking you ever have a crazy pit bull and it looks at something and its ears come up, you know, you gotta give a little tug of the leash, or all of a sudden, you're gonna have an incident.

Speaker 11 I was doing the stand-up version of that

Speaker 11 on

Speaker 11 stage last night at Flappers, but I was psyched. I had a good set and all that.
And then I had like this epic dad day.

Speaker 11 I took my kids to this place, Travel Town, on the backside of Griffith Park that has all these old trains and shit.

Speaker 11 Took them there, then we went to In-N-Out Burger.

Speaker 11 Then I went over,

Speaker 11 they hung with their nana for a couple hours. Then I took my daughter out to a Pokemon

Speaker 11 fucking comic book store, and she j she lost her mind. She lost her mind.

Speaker 11 And I kind of went into the comic book store and I was like, I gotta get back into reading comics because I love the drawings in them.

Speaker 11 And please tell me, I know it's probably all done on computers, but like,

Speaker 11 it's still fucking sick. So I need need like a good series

Speaker 11 you know i've kind of got back into reading where uh i started reading plays

Speaker 11 one of the actors on glen gary howard uh overshone gave me uh

Speaker 11 you know some plays to read and i've kind of been doing that staying off instagram which is also kind of settling my fucking mind down and by the way i watched the first episode of this show uh

Speaker 11 duster

Speaker 11 And

Speaker 11 that someone when I was on the play, Michael McKeon told me to watch, not to drop names all over the place. He told me to, he goes, you got to see the opening credits.

Speaker 11 Opening credits on Duster is the best opening credits I've seen in fucking forever.

Speaker 11 Like, I just had an ear-to-ear grin. I don't want to ruin it for you.

Speaker 11 It's like a car show. So that's why he recommended because he knows that I love 70s cars.

Speaker 11 And I got to get the names of everybody down because I'm going to watch the whole series. But the woman that stars in it, she also created it.

Speaker 11 And it's fucking,

Speaker 11 I watched like the first episode and I'm just like,

Speaker 11 I'm in. I'm totally in.
It's on HBO Max. This is not a paid advertisement.
I'm just telling you, it's a fucking great show.

Speaker 11 If you're into that, if you're into that, all of that vanishing point, anti-hero shit, like, you know.

Speaker 11 It has that vibe

Speaker 11 infused with a bunch of other shit. But I don't want to ruin it.
it, all right? So just, I've ruined enough things in life.

Speaker 11 So

Speaker 11 anyway, I'm back out here.

Speaker 11 Do you know, oh my God, do you know what Nia said one of the funniest fucking things ever as far as making my jaw drop on the ground? And I realized she was just fucking with me.

Speaker 11 She goes, you need to get a car.

Speaker 11 I said, I am. I'm going to go buy an old Cadillac.
She goes, we need a family car. Why are you going to buy

Speaker 11 an old Cadillac? She goes, you already got that jalopy in the garage. She called my 68F-100 a jalopy.

Speaker 11 And she stared at me for three seconds while my jaw was on the ground. And then she bursted out laughing.
I realized she was just fucking with me.

Speaker 11 So I know what I'm going to get.

Speaker 11 I was thinking an old Cadillac or whatever. I just can't make up my mind.
There's so many cars that I love. I love the 67 Eldorado.

Speaker 11 And then this Cadillac that i never liked and now i love it is the 6970 cadillac

Speaker 11 uh

Speaker 11 two-door coupe i fucking love that car i don't know what happened fucking love that car but then

Speaker 11 then there's also like a part of me that just wants something fast but not like a muscle car you know what i mean i'm thinking like i don't know what but i'm gonna get something

Speaker 11 mid-2000s or previous or before that i'll let you know what what i end up getting. But this is the new me.
I'm going to own all the cars, just never at the same time.

Speaker 11 I'm going to get a car, it's going to be fucking cool, and I'm going to drive it for a year or two, and then I'm going to get something else.

Speaker 11 And in the end of my life, I can lay in my deathbed and said, I fucking drove them all, you know?

Speaker 11 But I never had to be that guy that had to go fucking, you know, move 15 cars around in his driveway, because I've done that.

Speaker 11 You become a valet in your own fucking house, and then you're like, oh, I got to go fucking, I got to go rent a garage. And then you got a bunch of chargers.
And then you got some mechanic,

Speaker 11 right?

Speaker 11 For some reason,

Speaker 11 you know, he barely speaks English, you know what I mean? Because I guess there's no American fucking mechanics anymore. By the way, you know,

Speaker 11 but then you get a chance to learn a second language. I would get a French.

Speaker 11 I tell you, I'm also starting to lean towards Spanish, but I'm not. I'm sticking with this French shit, even though lately I've been getting my fucking ass kicked on these apps.

Speaker 11 The more I watch Moto GP and I listen to Mark Marquez and I listen to these Italian guys speaking and stuff, it's just like all of those languages,

Speaker 11 Italian, French, and Spanish. It's just like

Speaker 11 I'm telling you, I think the end of my life,

Speaker 11 I'm going to end up there. One of those places.
I'm going to be a fucking expat, you know, who takes up painting at like 78.

Speaker 11 I'm gonna be that guy.

Speaker 11 Just some fucking weirdo who wears the same smock every day, coming to town.

Speaker 11 Some beat-up Birkenstocks, Bill Birkenstarks.

Speaker 11 No, my wife would never let me get that fucked up looking.

Speaker 11 Looking at that guy, like that fucking actor in Cannonball Run, one eye going one way and the other going the other. The guy from Once Upon a Time in the West.

Speaker 11 Anyway, but

Speaker 11 I don't know, last night, you know, I went out and I did a spot and I immediately came home and the hug I got from both of my kids made me feel

Speaker 11 so great. Like that I said to my wife, I was like, you know what, I'm a great dad.

Speaker 11 The fact that I was away that long and they still feel this way about me, you know, I mean, we FaceTimed all the time and shit, but like

Speaker 11 I was worried that they were going to grow away from me or whatever.

Speaker 11 I still can't believe I did that fucking gig, how long that was. That was insane.

Speaker 11 But I'll definitely do Broadway again, but next time I'm bringing my family with me, that's how we're doing. We figured we're going to do it that way.

Speaker 11 So, anywho, let me do the reads here for the week, for this Thursday, I should say.

Speaker 11 You know what's funny is

Speaker 11 I was all about getting a fucking breakfast burrito the second I got out here, and I haven't gotten one yet. I gotta get one.
I gotta get a breakfast burrito. All right, now

Speaker 11 where the fuck is

Speaker 11 Where the fuck is where the fuck is the fucking copy?

Speaker 11 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 13 You know, Bill.

Speaker 11 Okay, all right, here we go. I got it right here.
Oh, look who it is.

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Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 2 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd, Bezos now, ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 2 coming.

Speaker 8 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right.

Speaker 10 Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 9 Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 3 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 2 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd.

Speaker 7 Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes.

Speaker 2 Keep Columbine.

Speaker 8 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco.

Speaker 3 It ain't right.

Speaker 10 Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 9 Terms apply.

Speaker 11 All right, back to the podcast.

Speaker 11 So, yeah, I'm trying to figure out what kind of car I'm going to get. I'm either going to get an old lead sled American car, or I'm going to get some sort of

Speaker 11 German stick shift car,

Speaker 11 like a BMW or something.

Speaker 11 One of those old M3s, M5s, one of those fucking cars.

Speaker 11 Like four-door stick shift or something like that.

Speaker 11 I don't know, but I'm excited and I live in the perfect city out here to drive something old. So why the fuck not? You know what I mean? What am I going to do?

Speaker 11 The old me would just sit here and bitch moan and complain about these new bing-bong cars with the fucking iPad dashboards.

Speaker 11 Instead of doing something about it, I've just, I've decided I'm tapping out. I'm driving old cars.
I'm reading books

Speaker 11 and I'm watching movies from the 70s.

Speaker 11 I don't like what's happening right now in the world, and I don't know how to do anything about it other than try to just be nice to people, but I can't solve these fucking problems.

Speaker 11 They're all bigger than me, so I'm tapping out of this time. I'm living in a different era without,

Speaker 11 you know, getting a sleeve tattoo and buying clothes from the fucking 1800s or whatever it is these kids are doing.

Speaker 11 Anyway,

Speaker 11 so

Speaker 11 I might even watch a fucking baseball game today and keep score. That's how old school I'm going.

Speaker 11 You know? Shut down, not talk to anybody.

Speaker 11 Sit in a sunroom. This is some old school shit.

Speaker 11 Sit in a sunroom with a little square TV, black and white TV, watching a ball game.

Speaker 11 Smoking a pipe.

Speaker 11 Then your wife comes out, right? Brings you a sandwich, kisses you on top of your head, you know.

Speaker 11 You give her that half a hug with your arm,

Speaker 11 you know,

Speaker 11 grab a fucking ass cheek, give her a little goose, right? That's how it used to go down.

Speaker 11 That's how it used to go down. It doesn't go down like that anymore.

Speaker 11 Everybody's fucking, I don't know.

Speaker 11 I don't know what they're doing, staring at their fucking phones.

Speaker 11 I'll tell you, you know, ladies, you know,

Speaker 11 your screen time is out of control when you don't have time to make your man a sandwich. Come on, ladies, what do you say for America? July 4th.
Why don't you make your man a sandwich this weekend?

Speaker 11 He's earned it. He puts up with you.
He lets you win arguments even when you're wrong.

Speaker 11 The next time your husband has to go for a walk because you're just so acting like a fucking child, when he goes out the door and he makes a right,

Speaker 11 you just do, like, I don't know, five Mississippi. You go out the door, you make a left.
Walk around the block.

Speaker 11 Think about what a great guy he is, and you'll meet him halfway on the other side.

Speaker 11 Surprise him, and just say, All right, you were right.

Speaker 11 I'm sorry.

Speaker 11 And give him a kiss. Just

Speaker 11 to shake things up. Come on, ladies.
Do you ever get tired of winning?

Speaker 11 Do you have the decency to feel guilty?

Speaker 2 Ever?

Speaker 11 Um, all right.

Speaker 11 Anyways, I'm gonna go get a breakfast burrito and then I'm going to the gym. I'm going to the gym

Speaker 11 and I got to lose this last little bit of fucking belly weight. My last little bit of belly weight.
I'm fucking on it, dude. I'm on it.
I come back from the show last night.

Speaker 11 I had water and I had a handful of raw almonds. And I cried myself to sleep.
But I woke up the next morning and my stomach was a little flatter.

Speaker 11 I'm not going to be Billy Balloon Tits. It's not happening.
I'm not going to be that guy that sits down with his shirt off next to the pool and you just look down,

Speaker 11 you know?

Speaker 11 And my whole torso looks like a, I look like a shaved Sharpe.

Speaker 11 Guys, when you sit down, does your torso look like a bulldog's face?

Speaker 11 You know, instead of the eyes, those are your nipples. Just sitting there, everything just fucking.
I'm not fucking, I'm not that.

Speaker 11 Become that guy who has to fuck with his shirt on.

Speaker 11 You know, she has to climb on top of you. It ain't happening.

Speaker 11 Raw almonds. Then you need the gym on your forearms.
Doing the plank.

Speaker 11 Doing the plank. Keep yourself in fucking shape.

Speaker 11 All right. Well, that is the podcast.
I'm going to go, I bought my son a Spider-Man

Speaker 11 comic book, and I'm going to go read that to him right now.

Speaker 11 I am so thrilled to be not working right now. I know I'm doing stand-up, but like stand-up is like it's not work, it's just fun.
Like, I had so much fun.

Speaker 11 And I got to give a shout-out to PJ Landerson, all the stage time that he gave me at the Comedy Village, one of my favorite comedy clubs in the country.

Speaker 11 Forget about New York City, it's just what a comedy club,

Speaker 11 you know,

Speaker 11 used to be, you know, little fucking

Speaker 11 stage

Speaker 11 right in New York City it's just you know

Speaker 11 comedy fans go in there it's uh it's on 44th between 8th and 9th

Speaker 11 it's just it just reminds me what comedy clubs used to be before they started becoming like also like restaurants

Speaker 11 and you know places to play paintball or whatever the fuck they're doing now podcast studios it's it's it's it's a fucking comedy club and you go in there and you do stand-up comedy and people listen to it The staff is great, PJ is great.

Speaker 11 You should definitely check it out. Don Giovanni's is right next door.
Great pizza. It's fantastic.

Speaker 11 And

Speaker 11 that's it. That's all I got to say.
All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cons, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Speaker 11 Now, if you're in the habit to let your temper fly,

Speaker 2 when you talk with people

Speaker 2 who don't see eye to eye,

Speaker 2 and if you don't believe that there's a newer world ahead, what you need,

Speaker 2 what you need,

Speaker 2 what you need is a change of habit,

Speaker 2 a change of habit.

Speaker 13 What's going on, Spoil Bro, it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 3rd,

Speaker 13 2017, a day before July 4th over there.

Speaker 13 When are you guys doing it? Jesus Christ, when are you guys doing it? You're partying tonight? You gotta go tonight, right?

Speaker 13 You gotta go tonight, and tomorrow you eat like a fat fuck. But tonight is tonight, tonight, tonight.
Tonight's tonight if you want to go out and get fucking hammered,

Speaker 13 you know?

Speaker 13 Tomorrow's for the kids, you know? Today you scare your children. Tomorrow you wake up with them.
That's how it works when July 4th is on a Tuesday. You know?

Speaker 13 Your wife will give you dirty looks, but you know, by the weekend, as long as you're mulching up the fucking yad, she'll be happy.

Speaker 13 What do you want from me? I was celebrating the birth of the nation there.

Speaker 13 Not the movie, you fucking racist.

Speaker 13 Well, you made me curse. You know, you get involved in those stupid things.

Speaker 13 Anyways,

Speaker 13 oh man. Oh,

Speaker 13 Billy No Fun was Billy Bad Boy this week. I completely just fucking,

Speaker 13 I just, I don't know what happened. I went off the rails.
I went off the rails. I was flying out.
I was doing the Capitol Theater in Portchester, which is one of the most amazing venues.

Speaker 13 I don't know what it is about it. It's just one of those places.
It's got the fucking magic in it, you know. And it's been around forever.
And according to the people that ran it,

Speaker 13 he was saying that Janice Joplin played there

Speaker 13 in a bar nearby or something. She wrote that song, Mercedes-Benz, tried it out for the first time at that venue, then went out to LA, recorded it, and then overdosed.
That was it.

Speaker 13 And I was like, that's great. Well, you know what? I'm not going to be trying any new material this weekend.

Speaker 13 Bill Burr tried out a new dick joke, recorded it onto his iPhone,

Speaker 13 went back into the city, had two slices of pizza at three in the morning, followed by four shots of fucking whiskey, and then went to bed and died on a futon.

Speaker 13 Yes, he was alone.

Speaker 13 Oh my god, I just, I don't happen. I was flying out there,

Speaker 13 I think I was stressed, I don't know what it was, and then the guy, you know, asked me if I wanted a drink.

Speaker 13 You know, I wasn't on a plane, it was just this guy came up to me. He said, excuse me, can I buy you a drink? I was like, well, certainly you can.

Speaker 13 No, I was on a plane, and the steward, the male stewardess, came up to me. He said, Do you want it? Do you want anything to drink, right?

Speaker 13 And the devil in me went, ooh.

Speaker 13 And I went,

Speaker 13 quivering voice, maybe later.

Speaker 13 So, you know, I'd been eating great. I had salads and all that shit.
And I thought, ah, you know, I'll just have one.

Speaker 13 I'll just have one. He comes over with some Jack on the Rocks, you know, nice fucking fucking pour, right?

Speaker 13 Gave me the old mile high pour, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 13 He fucking

Speaker 13 gave me like three fingers to fucking booze. So

Speaker 13 with a little bit of pepper and some cheese. And I fucking drank the thing.

Speaker 13 And I was like, all right, that's it.

Speaker 13 I got to get waters after this because that's the big thing. After I have the first one, I just switch to waters.
And then I get my

Speaker 13 bearings again. Of like, oh, yeah, okay, cool, okay, cool.
We had a buzz. Now we're coming back.
We're coming back. This is a good thing.
But if I go to that second drink, forget it.

Speaker 13 And

Speaker 13 he just fucking, what did he say? Do you want it? I think he just brought me the next one.

Speaker 13 And then I was just like, well, I'm not going to be rude.

Speaker 13 And then I drank that one. And then we landed.
And that just set me off on the wrong fucking way.

Speaker 13 The wrong fucking road. Then I got to the city, and then I got two slices of fucking pizza, not even from a place that I liked,

Speaker 13 place that I wanted closed, because they have great pizza, and they already made their money. So like, well, we don't need to be open all night.
Go fuck yourself, see ya.

Speaker 13 So then I walked down the street to these other guys, you know, the one that all the drunks are stumbling into.

Speaker 13 And I got not one, but two slices of pizza.

Speaker 13 Went back, fucking shoved them down my throat the whole time going, you know, this is way better than anything that I get in L.A., but this is not a good example of how the East Coast became legendary with their pizza making.

Speaker 13 No disrespect to Chicago, by the way.

Speaker 13 Okay? I'm not saying you guys don't make, you make a different type of lasagna pizza out there. And most New Yorkers, people from Boston, Philly, we go out there and we don't know where to go.

Speaker 13 And we just get some average slop and we're like, this fucking pizza stinks, right? The same way you guys. I know so many fucking people from Chicago.
Dude, I went to New York.

Speaker 13 Dude, your pizza wasn't good. Did you even look to see where to go? You dope.

Speaker 13 New York has a great reputation for making great pizza. That's why there's so many shitty ones.
You know what I mean? Because everybody's living off of that fucking reputation.

Speaker 13 There's like a half dozen,

Speaker 13 probably, maybe eight

Speaker 13 in the fucking all the boroughs. How many boroughs are there? Queens, Bronx, Brooklyn, Staten Island, Mana.
Five fucking boroughs. There's probably, probably eight.
eight.

Speaker 13 Okay?

Speaker 13 Brooklyn's got a couple. New York has a couple.
Everybody else has like fucking one, maybe two. I don't know enough about it, but I'm just telling you.
There's only a few.

Speaker 13 However, in New York City, you can buy pizza every fucking 10 feet down the road. Same way in Chicago.

Speaker 13 Some fucking cunt is out there waiting for someone like me to walk down the street with my fucking Chicago, the windy city windbreaker that I just bought at the airport.

Speaker 13 Hey, our genuine, authentic fucking Chicago deep dish pizza. And then they're going to bring me in there.
So, can we end the fucking pizza debate?

Speaker 13 Everybody, you know, has their own way to do it.

Speaker 13 Up in Boston, they had the little bar-style pizzas, which are fucking amazing.

Speaker 13 And every New York cunt that goes, oh, I went up there, they didn't fucking taste like fucking Magoolis over there down the fucking street.

Speaker 13 You know, those fucking morons.

Speaker 13 When you travel, okay, you gotta fucking hang with local people and they'll tell you where to go. To fucking walk into a place and think that everything there sucks and people there just accept it

Speaker 13 is probably one of the dumbest ways to travel. However, that's how most people do it.

Speaker 13 Or you go there and you try to get what you can get down the street from where you live, and then when you can't, you say this place sucks.

Speaker 13 And I just, I can't, you know, fuck it.

Speaker 13 I was in the Bahamas, I couldn't get a good fucking gabo goo.

Speaker 13 Anyways,

Speaker 13 I don't know why I'm making everybody Italian, but I'm enjoying it.

Speaker 13 I am enjoying it.

Speaker 13 So I ate this shitty fucking pizza, and I was taught to finish my food as a kid, so I'm fucking even just gnawing my way through the crust.

Speaker 13 I mean, I could have whittled something like a fuck piece of wood with this crust. Tough like fucking shoe leather over there.

Speaker 13 That was the first night. And then I did well during the day.
You know, I did really well. But then just at night, the next night, I ended up staying up.

Speaker 13 We went to a fucking, oh, right down the street from the Porchester Capitol Theater. There was this great Italian restaurant.
And it was

Speaker 13 partly owned by Mario Battali,

Speaker 13 who's the best. All his fucking restaurants are awesome, right?

Speaker 13 So I go down there, and I know I should order the fish, but I can't get good Italian out here, so I order some pasta, right? I get the fucking go fuck yourself bolognese, right? So I get that,

Speaker 13 and then we say we don't want dessert. They still brought some stuff over because they're Italian.

Speaker 13 I mean, just, you know, if you say I don't want any, they're still going to bring you over a half order. That's how it fucking works.
So they brought over all these cannolis and all of this shit.

Speaker 13 And then

Speaker 13 didn't drink too much that night, but definitely, you know, not drinking that much to me was like, you know, five or six over a fucking nine-hour period.

Speaker 13 Stayed out till like four four in the fucking morning.

Speaker 13 Smoked a cigar.

Speaker 13 Fucking stupid. I had all this shit to do the next day, right? I fucking

Speaker 13 get out of the fucking Uber, right? I get out of the Uber.

Speaker 13 And

Speaker 13 I know I told you guys I don't Uber. I had somebody call it for me

Speaker 13 because I couldn't get a cab.

Speaker 13 And I get out of the cab. And the second I get out of it, I walk up to the door and I go, well, wait, where's my phone? Where's my phone?

Speaker 13 And I left it in the fucking Uber, and then I didn't have, I had no way to call. And I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me.
Because I had my bag of shit with me.

Speaker 13 So I grabbed my bag, and I got this thing. Once I grab something, I never look for anything else.
And also, you know, I had like fucking four or five drinks. So I left my fucking phone there.

Speaker 13 So I was just like, all right, it did a mental check. Everything's backed up.
Everything's on the computer. Who gives a fuck? I'll just buy a phone tomorrow.
Fucking moron, right?

Speaker 13 So I get up the next day. I go over to the fucking Verizon store, and they go, Okay, what's your Apple ID? I'm like, I don't know.
You got my phone number, here's my license.

Speaker 13 And they're like, Oh, that's not good enough. You need your Apple ID.

Speaker 13 I go, Well, I don't have it. He goes, Can you guess? I said, Oh, yeah, I can fucking stay in here all day.
I don't know what it is. And he basically tells me that

Speaker 13 he can't get into my account without my Apple ID. I go, You're telling me if the FBI came in here right now,

Speaker 13 that's what you'd say? And he was like, Absolutely.

Speaker 13 And I was like, Dude, I don't know what it is.

Speaker 13 Are you telling, so you're telling me I can never get a phone again? This feels like a Tom Cruise movie. Did you just shut off the microchip in me? Can I get a phone, please? I have business to do.

Speaker 13 The guy says, No, I haven't been meditating. My temper starts going up and up and up and up and up.
I didn't curse Adam. I started, you know.

Speaker 13 He goes, Well, you're going to have to go to our main store, and that's going to take like fucking two to three hours. So I was like, You got to be fucking kidding me.
So I walk

Speaker 13 out into the streets in New York, and I said, I fucking hate technology, but I said, I really quietly, and technology really quietly, but fuck, I said at the top of my lungs, fucking,

Speaker 13 I just went, I fucking hate technology. This lady fucking whipped her head around.

Speaker 13 I was like, oh my God, I'm like, I'm literally the guy walking in the street in New York making people nervous right now.

Speaker 13 So I walk up to try to find where this fucking place is. I don't know.
He said it's on like fucking 50-something and 6th Avenue. I'm looking for the thing and I'm like, wait, is it on 6th Avenue?

Speaker 13 Is it on 57th? I have no idea. This took me back to the the 90s when i was in new york when you didn't have a map and you just walked around head on a swivel right

Speaker 13 finally find a place and i walked in there and i got an absolute angel at the store old school customer service completely fucking hooked me up and she was like in her mid-20s and halfway through i just finally was just saying like you know i forget what i said i said something you Basically, it's the effect that, you know, you don't get customer service like this anymore.

Speaker 13 Your parents raised you right. She said, Thank you.
I go, Did you come from a big family? And she was like, I was like, She said something like, I'm like one of seven. I was like, I knew it.

Speaker 13 I knew it.

Speaker 13 I knew it. I don't know what it is.
Kids who come from like fucking with a bunch of kids,

Speaker 13 families with a bunch of kids,

Speaker 13 I don't know. They learned it.
I don't know what it is. I don't know what you learned, but you're

Speaker 13 I don't know.

Speaker 13 Everything is about you and you keeping all the fucking toys.

Speaker 13 So she totally hooked me up. And then I was able to call my buddy who called the Uber, who called the Uber guy.
And then the Uber guy still had my phone. He brought it back to me the next night.

Speaker 13 You know,

Speaker 13 I gave him a nice tip for doing that. And now I got two phones.
I guess I can bring the other phone back, but I just don't want to go back into a store.

Speaker 13 I'm not rolling the dice again that I'm going to get a good customer service person. I know I'm not.

Speaker 13 So I'll just fucking eat it. It was my own fucking fault.
If I didn't go out till fucking four in the morning like an asshole, none of that shit would have happened.

Speaker 13 I apologized to the lady that I made her fucking probably fucked up her neck when I screamed fucking when I was out in the street.

Speaker 13 And

Speaker 13 but you know, I don't apologize to the guy at the bank.

Speaker 13 I owe taxes, right? I owe taxes up in fucking Canada.

Speaker 13 So my accountant goes, you have to go to the bank. I'm going to send you an email with all the fucking account information.
They can wire it up there, bing, bang, boom, done.

Speaker 13 So I say, fine. So I go up, I download the thing, I bring my laptop, I fucking

Speaker 13 get this David Blaine-looking dude

Speaker 13 at the bank to help me out, right? So we walk into his cubicle area.

Speaker 13 We sit down. I have all the information on the computer screen.
He starts going, read me the VIN number. I know it's not that, but you know what I mean.
And I'm like, what? What number?

Speaker 13 He's like, that number there, read that to me. So I read it to him.
He goes, all right, read me the next time. I go, what's number? He goes, read me that number.
And then I just find look at him.

Speaker 13 I go,

Speaker 13 I go, what do I work here?

Speaker 13 He's like, excuse me. I go, I go, I feel like I have work here right now.
I'm like,

Speaker 13 look, just turn it around. Here's all the information.
Type it in.

Speaker 13 He goes, what's going to go quicker?

Speaker 13 Or something like that. And then you just kind of got quiet, right?

Speaker 13 I'm just fucking sitting there.

Speaker 13 And then after a couple minutes, he just kind of goes, like, you know, I don't understand why you got upset there. I go, well, I'm not upset.

Speaker 13 I'm just calling you out on the fact you start treating me like your secretary. I don't work here.
He goes, I'm not treating you like a sector. I go, yeah, you are.

Speaker 13 You got me like reading off off numbers and stuff.

Speaker 13 He goes, I'm just doing that because it'll be faster. And I go, well, I disagree.

Speaker 13 Well, what the fuck am I?

Speaker 13 You understand? You work at the bank. You're at the bank.
You work at the bank. You get paid to work at the fucking bank.
I'm the customer. This is what I need you to do.
Do the fucking transaction.

Speaker 13 Jesus fucking Christ. These fucking goddamn.
I'm going to say it. These kids today, everything about them is interactive.
Hey, man.

Speaker 13 Like, hey, you know, fucking reach out through the fucking interweb, man. Fuck off and do your job.

Speaker 13 But I didn't say any of that. I just said I disagree.

Speaker 13 That's the best I could do. But I just couldn't believe he was like, but

Speaker 13 what kills me is he's walking around saying that I'm a dick, which I am. I admit to that, but I'm fucking right.
I got to sit there and read off fucking numbers to you.

Speaker 13 He goes, Can you read this? He didn't even say, please. He starts talking to me like I'm

Speaker 13 like,

Speaker 13 I was like, did I just get hired as your assistant? You fucking cunt.

Speaker 13 I didn't even know what he was talking about, all of those numbers. I'm not a fucking banker.
Every time he told me to read off a number, he had to explain what the number is.

Speaker 13 Like, how is that quicker?

Speaker 13 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 13 So I meditated for the first time

Speaker 13 in about six weeks.

Speaker 13 I'm just trying. Yeah, I know.
I know. I know.
I just, I'm back. We're back in the writer's room.
I got all of that shit to do. I'm building my new fucking act, right?

Speaker 13 My daughter is finally sleeping through the night. You know, she still wakes up once or twice, but it's just a quick little one.

Speaker 13 Maybe needs a diaper change or something like that. And I'm just feeling like it's just, it's building up again.

Speaker 13 You know? So for me now to like stop drinking,

Speaker 13 you know, to add that, that extra stress of like, you know.

Speaker 13 You know, to not have the fucking thing to take the edge off at the end of the goddamn day, like that, it just starts building up. So,

Speaker 13 to the guy at the bank, maybe I could have explained it a little nicer. Maybe I couldn't have just flipped out here.
But, you know, know this.

Speaker 13 That's what I wanted to say in the bank, but I didn't. Okay.
I just fucking kept my cool. But, like, you work at the bank.
I don't. I need you to do this transaction.
I have money in your bank.

Speaker 13 Back in the day, you guys used to give like 10%,

Speaker 13 8% on fucking money in the bank. You now give like.0001%.

Speaker 13 Okay? So now you don't give me any money on it. You've loaned 10 times out on what I fucking have there.
You guys invent money. You're literally counterfeiters.
And now I have to go in there.

Speaker 13 You guys nuke the fucking economy every eight fucking years,

Speaker 13 building housing bubbles or whatever, and you don't go to jail for it. And you leave Americans upside down in their houses.
You don't give a fuck.

Speaker 13 And then, on top of that, I got to go in and read the fucking numbers off to you.

Speaker 13 Fuck off.

Speaker 13 I know this is childish for me to be sitting here alone losing my mind, but I cannot

Speaker 13 lie to you and not tell you how fucking good this feels to get this out of me.

Speaker 13 You know, part of my meditation today

Speaker 13 is I'm actually doing this series on patience.

Speaker 13 Swear to God.

Speaker 13 And the guy said,

Speaker 13 oh, God, what the fuck did he say? It almost made me mad when I was, like, I wanted to debate with the guy, but I can't because it's just a recording.

Speaker 13 He basically said that when you lose your patience, it's because you have expectations of other people.

Speaker 13 Okay? And then when you react to that,

Speaker 13 it's like your fault for reacting to it. For having, you're wrong to have these expectations of people.

Speaker 13 And I'm thinking in my head, like,

Speaker 13 like, that doesn't make any, like, I'm, at this point, I'm wrong that I expect people to put in an effort at their job the way that I do and the way that I did.

Speaker 13 And I'm not patting myself on the back, but when I fucking, I always,

Speaker 13 any job I had, I fucking killed it. Unless I just literally didn't have the talent, like construction.
I just, I mean, I could bring you the shit. I just didn't have that gift.

Speaker 13 Or I tried to sell health insurance. I just wasn't good at it.
And you know what I did? I had the decency with both of those jobs to quit within a week and a half.

Speaker 13 I didn't fucking sit there and torture people and just suck at my job as they came walking in, or worse, try to make them do part of my job.

Speaker 13 So I'm listening to this guy

Speaker 13 and he's talking in a very soothing voice like this: some sort of British accent. When we walk in there, we have

Speaker 13 it's Headspace. Hello again, welcome to Headspace.

Speaker 13 When we have expectations of other people,

Speaker 13 it gives us a tendency to, he tries to like laugh,

Speaker 13 lose our patience.

Speaker 13 Don't get all fucking jolly because you know that's you know what it is? He's doing that because he knows there's an angry cunt like me laying on the ground going,

Speaker 13 like, okay, so now you're defending this guy at the bank.

Speaker 13 You weren't even fucking there.

Speaker 11 You know?

Speaker 13 So now, basically, what you're saying is, in order for me to have patience,

Speaker 13 I have to basically treat people the way I treat my daughter, which is I understand that she's a baby and doesn't know anything yet.

Speaker 13 You know?

Speaker 13 So I have to have

Speaker 13 100% patience with her, which I do.

Speaker 13 But that's because she's a baby. So now I'm supposed to walk in and sit across from a 27-year-old guy.

Speaker 13 And his, you're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it, fucking suit.

Speaker 13 And

Speaker 13 as he tells me to do,

Speaker 13 how could I have done that better?

Speaker 13 I guess what I should have said is, sir, I don't mean any disrespect, but I'm not going to read those numbers to you.

Speaker 13 I feel that you work at the bank and I am the customer, and I feel that that crosses a boundary that I'm not comfortable with.

Speaker 13 Well, I guess I could have said that, right?

Speaker 13 And when he exhaled, I probably should, like, when he exhaled, like, I, it was like someone fucking twisted a knife in my back. I wanted to fucking like, did you just fucking exhale?

Speaker 13 Yeah, because once again, I guess I had expectations that this guy, you know,

Speaker 13 I had the ability to fucking look at a paper with all the answers to the test on it while typing at the same time. I mean, I can do that.

Speaker 13 I could do that for half a page, and I'll only make a couple of mistakes. And I taught myself how to do it.
What the fuck?

Speaker 13 How much more easier does life have to be?

Speaker 13 And then, you know, I was also thinking when I left, I was like, you know, something? My wife would have just read the numbers off to him.

Speaker 13 She would have read the numbers off to him. And then afterwards, I would have said, like, why did you just do that? You did your job.
She goes, well, you know, you're right. You're right.

Speaker 13 You know, I probably shouldn't have done that. But, you know, it got it done quick.
You know, I just didn't want to have the argument, blah, blah, blah. She continues on.
You know what?

Speaker 13 And she's a way, way happier person on paper, I think.

Speaker 13 On paper. I don't know.

Speaker 13 You know, something the thing about women is

Speaker 13 the big

Speaker 13 red flag is the level of shopping that they do and the amount of shit that they buy. Like, that's, I don't know.

Speaker 13 There's a fucking unhappiness there. There's something psychotic going on with just the amount, the sheer amount of clothes and shit that they buy and just stuff that they fucking buy.

Speaker 13 I don't see tranquility in it.

Speaker 13 I feel like that's like eating fucking, you know, seize candies.

Speaker 13 They just love having that UPS driver showing up and, oh,

Speaker 13 it's a little package for me.

Speaker 13 You know?

Speaker 13 I actually judge how well my relationship's going by how often the fucking UPS driver comes to the door. If he's coming a lot, then I need to take her out to dinner or something.

Speaker 13 If, you know, he's coming every once in a while, then it's just her

Speaker 13 doing the woman thing of basically, you know,

Speaker 13 fucking kicking our retirement right in the seats.

Speaker 13 All right, I didn't need to go.

Speaker 13 Okay. Whatever.
I apologize to everybody. I apologize to that first guy at the fucking Verizon store.

Speaker 13 I apologize for the way I conveyed what I was trying to say to the David Blaine-looking dude at the bank.

Speaker 13 You know,

Speaker 13 I don't know. Maybe it's a new world.
Maybe I'm just a fucking old guy.

Speaker 13 Maybe that's why I don't fucking know. I don't, I don't know.
I still think I'm right.

Speaker 13 But I'm going to learn in the future not to have expectations of people and just sit there as the sons of my life slip away, waiting for somebody to do their fucking job that they get paid to do.

Speaker 13 Anyways, anybody watch Samoto GP fucking motorcycle race yesterday? Another great one. Back-to-back, fucking great races.
Congratulations to my Marque.

Speaker 13 Marquez,

Speaker 13 oh my God, did you hear his fucking interview afterwards? Oh, it was fucking hilarious.

Speaker 13 First of all, it's amazing all these guys can speak English, but he searches for the English word while going the.

Speaker 13 He did two fucking ones so fucking long.

Speaker 13 They go, Mark, congratulations, great victory, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I didn't feel like that today.
He's like,

Speaker 13 it was a

Speaker 13 da-da-da-da-da.

Speaker 13 reminding me of Taylor Negron's great, rest in peace, his great joke. When he says, You don't want carpets, you want an

Speaker 13 area rug joke?

Speaker 13 Anyways, what a fucking race. And I got to look at the standings here.
I think that that put Mark Marquez, she sees on top.

Speaker 13 He's on top of the leaderboard.

Speaker 13 The leader forward board. Sorry.

Speaker 13 Mark Marquez fucking. fucking.
Oh, come on, you f.

Speaker 13 Don't have expectations. Don't have expectations of the internet that it's actually going to work.

Speaker 13 Why would it work?

Speaker 13 Why would it work when you would need it to work? Just

Speaker 13 laugh. Make a note of it.
Make a note of a difficult time in your life.

Speaker 13 Put it on the clothesline and send it on down and stay.

Speaker 13 Just remember, you're not reacting, you're observing. You're just

Speaker 13 like you're sitting on a park bench watching traffic go by, except the trafficker. Are your thoughts?

Speaker 13 Oh, look, the requested URL cannot be retrieved.

Speaker 13 I'm going to have no reaction to this.

Speaker 13 I'm just going to sit here and let my podcast slowly sink into the abyss

Speaker 13 of something completely, not even remotely funny. All right, here we go.
Where the fuck are we? By the way, you know,

Speaker 13 this fucking website stinks.

Speaker 13 Because you'd think if these guys are fucking putting their lives on the line, it'd be a little easier to navigate. Wait a minute, is that me having fucking expectations again? All right.

Speaker 13 Mark Marquez is in the league, 129 points.

Speaker 13 Was this what the points that they got from yesterday? Oh, this looks like from what they got yesterday.

Speaker 13 Congratulations to that kid, Maverick Villanez. Is that the guy, though? I thought he was German.
I think I have the wrong guy. This might be the wrong list.
It says GP World Standing.

Speaker 13 There was some guy that came in second place. It was the first time he's ever been on a podium this year.
Hold on a second. This is so fucking irritating.

Speaker 13 Where is it?

Speaker 13 Oh, they haven't done that one yet. How about this one? There's Deutschland.
There we go. See, I had the wrong one.
I had the wrong one. No, where the fuck is he?

Speaker 13 I thought there was some German guy

Speaker 13 that came in second yesterday.

Speaker 13 He says Danny Pedrosa from Spain came in. So whoever the fuck the guy was that came in second, congratulations.

Speaker 13 And I actually learned something when I was watching the race as far as

Speaker 13 just how amazing. These guys come flying down the straightaway.
They're in that tuck. And I love when they all, they fucking pop up and they stick their goddamn leg out, right?

Speaker 13 I always feel like they're going to fall off the bike at that point. And then it's all when you break, how you take the turn.

Speaker 13 And this kid who was in second place came into the, I think it was turn one, and he just came in too hot, which caused him to go wide.

Speaker 13 And Mark Marquez did it perfectly, and he just went right underneath him.

Speaker 13 But I guess the guy said something to the fact that he heated up his tires when you break that hard or something, and then you don't get as good a grip.

Speaker 13 And that was basically, what do they say, something he...

Speaker 13 Not creates space or something, but he broke away from him. He broke them or something.
I don't know. I'm still learning the terminology.
But they're fucking amazing. You guys got to get into this.

Speaker 13 Moto GP, because this thing is literally, it's 28 fucking laps, and you're watching people on motorcycles driving 200 miles an hour or 320 kilometers, which I've learned.

Speaker 13 Every 50 miles an hour is about 80 kilometers. So I always have to do the fucking math.

Speaker 13 But it's easy because they're basically doing, well, like, like, I don't know, like 240 to 320 kilometers, except when they're in the turns, obviously.

Speaker 13 So they're basically going about 150 miles an hour, 140, all the way up to like 200. The Italian one's the crazy one with the straightaway, where they actually get up over 200 miles an hour.

Speaker 13 I mean, I just,

Speaker 13 and

Speaker 13 their ability to fall, how they fall, they even fall off the bikes gracefully, unless they high-side them.

Speaker 13 And then the technology of the suit, where there's like an airbag in the suit that immediately detects that you've fallen off your bike, it inflates, it protects your vitals.

Speaker 13 And then the leather is just such high quality or whatever they got, they just slide down the track and they get up.

Speaker 13 Dude, they they fucking wipe out at 200 miles an hour and they get up like they fell off a tire swing at a cookout.

Speaker 13 That's fucking unreal. So congratulations to Mark Marquez.

Speaker 13 I'm a big Ducati fan, so I like

Speaker 13 I root for the fucking I root for the Italians. You know?

Speaker 13 I like that guy.

Speaker 13 And you know what's great? It's that guy from Britain, though. He's actually going to Honda, that Cal Crutchlow.
He fucking rides like a maniac. I also like Johan Johan Zarko.
He's from France.

Speaker 13 He rides a Yamaha. But

Speaker 13 DeVizioso, I like. I just love Ducati's.
I think they're a fucking work of art. But if you ever wondered how much those bikes cost, I think they were worth like $2 million,

Speaker 13 those bikes, something like that. A million, two million bucks.

Speaker 13 I love when they're going down the straightaway and they're fucking given so much throttle that the front tire comes up a little bit.

Speaker 13 You got to understand at that point, you're going 200 miles an hour and you don't have the, in that split second, you don't have the ability to steer

Speaker 13 when your tire is off the ground. The fucking balls that those guys have.
I stopped riding a bike because I couldn't ride, you know, but actually, you know something? Probably riding the streets of LA

Speaker 13 in your fucking dad jeans with your leather jacket on. That's way, that is way more dangerous.
I don't have a fucking airbag.

Speaker 13 If I ever get a motorcycle again, I want to buy one of those Moto GP fucking suits. But the thing about it is,

Speaker 13 even if you fall off, even if the fucking, the thing like inflates and all that shit, the difference is, is that the track, you don't have to worry about somebody coming in from the left or the right, driving a bus or an SUV and running you over and crushing you.

Speaker 13 That's basically it. Because I have to tell you, I would love, in a perfect world, in a perfect world, I would love.

Speaker 13 I would love to have a Ducati. I've never ridden one, but everybody I know that ever rode one said you never ride anything else.

Speaker 13 I mean, it's a little, like, I'm like I said, I'm a big fan of fucking machines. And

Speaker 13 there's one on, there's a out here in LA on La Cienega, there's one, and right up the streets from this vegetarian place when I'm not being a fucking moron and eating shitty pizza and drinking booze and smoking cigars like an asshole.

Speaker 13 If I'm eating right, every time I go there, I always got to pop in there.

Speaker 13 And then the guys go, can I help you? I just want to be like, no, I'm just a scared married guy with too much to lose. Just dr I mean, I'm going to say that next time I come in there.

Speaker 13 I've gone in this so many times, the guy probably knows me.

Speaker 13 All right, let me read some of these let me read some of these advertising advertisements here.

Speaker 13 All right. Did I talk about everything I wanted to talk about?

Speaker 13 Oh, can I talk helicopters for a second? So I got back into flying those fuckers. I fly once a week.
I have a great time. And last week I flew great.

Speaker 13 You know, I just, you know, I didn't really have to look down at my altitude. I was just able to maintain it, pulling 19 inches on the fucking

Speaker 13 inches gauge there, whatever the fuck you call it.

Speaker 13 So I'm getting ready to solo again. And,

Speaker 13 you know,

Speaker 13 the fucking hobby costs a goddamn fortune. So I was sitting there thinking, like, you know,

Speaker 13 buy a helicopter where the fucking I could just, you know, could get really good at this because I love it.

Speaker 13 So, um,

Speaker 13 oh, my daughter's crying.

Speaker 13 She must have just woke up. Anyways, um,

Speaker 13 so the one, I'm not going to say the name of the one that I've flown, even though I've said it before. Okay, there's certain things with the design of that thing.
It's a two-bladed main rotor system.

Speaker 13 It's overslung and semi-articulated, all this fucking ground school shit.

Speaker 13 But basically, because of that, if you were for whatever stupid fucking reason, reason, if you slammed the stick forward and got yourself into a low G situation, which is basically you'd feel like you were light in the seat, like there's a chance that you risk mass bumping, you risked shearing off the tail, you risked fucking with the mass bumping, the main rotor literally spinning off.

Speaker 13 You watch it, hey, there's that thing that's producing lift, right?

Speaker 13 And then you just crash to the ground.

Speaker 13 Or if you get into a low G situation, literally the fucking thing could just start rolling to the right because the rear tail rotor is now compensating for the fucking main rotor that the helicopter is not loaded underneath anymore.

Speaker 13 So when you go to the right, rather you think, oh my god, go to the left with the stick, you're actually supposed to go gentle, gentle.

Speaker 13 As you're fucking rolling over, like, holy shit, am I going to be upside down in a second? Rather than go back to the left, you're supposed to fucking override

Speaker 13 that intuitive move and you're supposed to go gentle aft cyclic so you don't shear your fucking

Speaker 13 goddamn tail off. And, you know, people with very little hours all the way up to people with a ton of fucking hours have died in those fucking things.

Speaker 13 And the company that makes them, rather than fixing that fucking problem, has just basically told people what to do when that problem arises.

Speaker 13 And if you don't do it correctly and you fucking die, they blame you.

Speaker 13 You know? So it's a lot like being in a relationship with a woman.

Speaker 13 In that, it's always going to be your fault.

Speaker 13 It's not what they did, it's how you reacted to it. So,

Speaker 13 you know, in order to get a fully articulated main rotor system where you can fucking basically, as my instructor said, fly like an asshole, which is stab the thing forward.

Speaker 13 You know, I don't think on any of them you really should be doing any sort of quick fucking movements.

Speaker 13 I don't think quick movements in any aviation is never fucking good unless you're getting shot at and you're in a fucking fucking F-16.

Speaker 13 But any sort of mass bumping, low-G, none of that bolt, like that's all taken off the table. But the problem is, is to buy one of those, they're like well over a million dollars.
So

Speaker 13 that kind of bugged me. So I just kept doing my research and I found this French helicopter.
I'm going to say it wrong. It's G-U-I-M-B-A-L Guyambal Cabri G2.

Speaker 13 And it's a little more expensive than the one that I fly.

Speaker 13 It has a fully articulated main rotor system.

Speaker 13 And then all these other features, I forget what you call it when the tail rotor is completely enclosed.

Speaker 13 You know, one of the major causes of deaths is like people walking into the fucking rear tail rotor.

Speaker 13 They just don't see it.

Speaker 13 This is why you have a passenger. You have to tell them to stay in the fucking thing until they shut it off because I still don't know how you walk into a fan

Speaker 13 that's making that much noise, but they do it.

Speaker 13 They solve that.

Speaker 13 They got like these, I don't know, these rubber fucking bushings and all this shit that, you know, like if you land, you're not going to turn your fucking spine.

Speaker 13 If you have a hard landing, you're not going to turn your spine into goddamn,

Speaker 13 you know,

Speaker 13 gunpowder.

Speaker 13 I really, I wish I had the article here. All of this shit

Speaker 13 that they had, it's basically they looked at what I flew and they addressed everything.

Speaker 13 And then for an extra, you know, half a bag of cash, you can fly this thing and not have to deal with any of these fucking safety issues.

Speaker 13 And

Speaker 13 I looked it up, and basically, the only problem with it is because it's so safe now, people are flying like assholes, and they've had three of them crash. And

Speaker 13 one of the guys that crashed, now I don't want to laugh because I don't know if they died or not, but what they, it's still a carbureted engine, right?

Speaker 13 So you can deal, you know, you always have to pull your carburetor here because you don't want the fucking

Speaker 13 if it freezes up on you, the engine shuts off. And you know, you don't have to know a lot about aviation, that that's not a good thing.

Speaker 13 So, what this fucking guy did was to show somebody that this you can fucking stab the stick forward, he stabbed it forward and started like nosediving down.

Speaker 13 And because of the way the fuel line was, it caused not enough fuel to be going through the carburetor, and he fucking stalled.

Speaker 13 What? Why do people do that?

Speaker 13 If I ever got one of those things, I would still fly it the way I fly the fucking thing that I fly now.

Speaker 13 And I would just feel lucky that, you know, God forbid, if I was ever flying and I hit some turbulence that caused, you know, the helicopter to fucking nose over or something like that, I don't have to worry about me rolling to the right and having to remember to slowly go half-cyclic to fucking reload the thing.

Speaker 13 I mean, that actually affects like where I fly out here, the time of year.

Speaker 13 Like, I won't go out into like the fucking desert or something like that during the summer because I don't need all that fucking turbulent air throwing me around, knowing at any second I could start rolling to the right.

Speaker 13 I just don't want to deal with that shit. So, I find this fucking thing.

Speaker 13 Now, the only downside that I found, there's always a downside, right?

Speaker 13 is that this thing, because it's European, the main rotor actually spins the other way, which I didn't think would be that big a deal. But what it actually does is is

Speaker 13 all my muscle memory is for a main rotor that goes counterclockwise. This spins clockwise.
So all the times when I think left pedal, it's now right pedal.

Speaker 13 But I talked to my instructor, he said it's about three hours, and you start getting it down, and then you're fine. But then, you know, three hours, I mean, three hours, I get to fly in a helicopter.

Speaker 13 I'll have a great fucking time. And then I just keep flying the same one

Speaker 13 every time. Then I get it down.
Then I have this really safe thing that I can fly around. It's got a little compartment you can put stuff in.
It's a little fucking two-seater. Check it out.

Speaker 13 G-U-I-M-B-A-L

Speaker 13 Cabri, C-A-B-R-I-G-2.

Speaker 13 I mean, I think they're the shit.

Speaker 13 There's always concerns with any fucking new helicopter, whatever, but I just feel like it addressed all the safety issues that fucking,

Speaker 13 you know, anytime I solo, I'm just thinking about that, which is good because I had, you know, the guys who trained me were great. So I'm always thinking about that shit.

Speaker 13 And,

Speaker 13 but, you know, you read up on it a lot and it becomes like this fucking terrifying thing that I really don't feel like uh I don't feel like dealing with so

Speaker 13 um

Speaker 2 I don't know give it up for Chicago Sebastian Man Escalco's new stand-up special It Ain't Right is now streaming on Hulu 30 years ago Jeff Bezos complete nerd Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 8 Watch Sebastian Man Escalco.

Speaker 4 It ain't right.

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Speaker 9 Terms apply.

Speaker 13 I just, you know, you know what I really wish? I just wish fucking schools around here start buying those things so I can rent those instead. Because, I mean,

Speaker 13 it's still too much money. It's too much fucking money.
But I'm just saying,

Speaker 13 you know, in a fantasy world, I would have one of those and I'd ride a Ducati to it with an airbag suit on and there'd be no bus bus to run me over if I ever fucking laid it down.

Speaker 13 But we all know that that's not the case, so you know, maybe I'll just get a poster and put it on the wall in my garage.

Speaker 13 That's what that's what being a married guy is. In your garage, you have a poster of all this shit you'd buy if you didn't have the responsibilities.

Speaker 13 Oh, God, that's that actually made me a little sad. All right, F, I know this is some people up in Oregon that sell them, I believe.

Speaker 13 They finally got, I guess, raided over here, whatever the terminology is. But I fucking love them, and it's a great-looking helicopter, too.
I fucking love them, man.

Speaker 13 I'm hoping more, so I'm just giving them free advertising, hoping more people start to use them. All right, F1.
Hey there, Billy Boy.

Speaker 13 Mercedes has 1,500 people working on two cars simultaneously, 1,498 of which probably went to prestigious colleges and graduate schools,

Speaker 13 none of which get to race these cars. The two employees that race these inverted rocket ship cars hated school as kids.
At least Lewis Hamilton admitted to it. Your thoughts?

Speaker 13 Oh, what? That the Tom Brady gets all the fucking credit? Well, yeah,

Speaker 13 absolutely. This is like white hidden figures.

Speaker 13 The end of the day, the person that gets in the fucking rocket,

Speaker 13 you know, be it the monkey, the dog, or a fucking human being, who gets in the thing and actually fucking rides it.

Speaker 13 You know, what do you want? Those 1,498 people, if Lewis Hamilton had a fatal fucking accident, they have the luxury of walking around away from it, feeling bad that it happened.

Speaker 13 Whereas Lewis would be dead. So

Speaker 13 that's why he gets to bang Rihanna. I mean, I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 13 I thought you were going to explain why

Speaker 13 the Mercedes team and the Ferrari team are so much

Speaker 13 better than everybody else. But the more I read about F1, it seems like people go through phases.
Like I said, Red Bull won three years in a row. McLaren used to be the shit.

Speaker 13 Martini Williams had their run. So I don't know.
Maybe this is just the era of the Mercedes.

Speaker 13 Ferrari's been doing shit for a long time, obviously. God, that's the biggest understatement ever.

Speaker 13 I'll never forget the look on that guy's face when I said good race after Montreal when they came in like eighth, or no, you came in like fourth, just watching the guy go from a Vettel go from the back all the way up to almost a podium is what I was trying to say.

Speaker 13 And this guy fucking looked at me.

Speaker 13 I thought I was a dead man. Anyways, he goes, lots of luck at Count Basie Theater.
Hope you kill it. Will not be in attendance due to you guessed it.

Speaker 13 School. Ciao.

Speaker 13 All right. Father and son circumnavigating the globe in a helicopter.

Speaker 13 Well, how the fuck do you do that? You'd have to go up to Alaska, cross over to Russia?

Speaker 13 Oh, I got to see this.

Speaker 13 Hey, Bill,

Speaker 13 thought you might find this interesting. Canadian father and son are circumnavigating the globe in a helicopter.
Here's a link to the article.

Speaker 13 Oh, that's nothing about that helicopter, it can fly up to like five hours.

Speaker 13 Where the one I fly, I mean, two and a half hours, and then you put it on the ground. So,

Speaker 13 I don't know, it's fucking amazing. Oh, now look at this.
I got to copy and paste this. Let's stay patient.
Let's just

Speaker 13 note this thought here. You're sitting on the bus, watching the train.
Not on the bus, I'm sitting on a bench waiting for a bus,

Speaker 13 watching the traffic going by.

Speaker 13 Oh, come on, you fucking cunt.

Speaker 13 Is it that difficult?

Speaker 13 All right, take off, eh? Helicopter father and son team begin global odyssey. Dude, look at their fucking helicopter.
Holy shit.

Speaker 13 Wow.

Speaker 13 Yeah, these guys are the real deal, though. Do they get sponsors? Look at their fucking flight suits.

Speaker 13 Bob and Steve Dengler embark on a 39,000-kilometer trip around the world to celebrate Canadian history and support charities.

Speaker 13 That's kind of annoying, flying through your country and they're celebrating Canada. Go fuck yourself.
Celebrate the world or fly around us.

Speaker 13 For a year and a half, my father, Bob, and I have been planning and organizing a journey we call C-150 Global Odyssey.

Speaker 13 It's the first Canadian circumnavigation of the globe by helicopter and the world's first ever father-son aerial circumnavigation.

Speaker 13 I don't give a shit about all this other than your plan. Oh, here we go.

Speaker 13 Here we go. Oh, you know what? I guess they're cool with Russia.

Speaker 13 They're cool with Russia. So I don't know where they're going to.
Okay, they start, the start, finish.

Speaker 13 But looks to be somewhere in the Toronto area. All right.

Speaker 13 So they're going to zigzag across.

Speaker 13 Oh, they're going the other way. They're going to zig over to the fucking Maritimes, up to fucking Greenland.

Speaker 13 Jesus, that's fucking scary.

Speaker 13 Right there, over that fucking ice-cold water.

Speaker 13 Then Greenland to fucking Iceland. How long is that that flight

Speaker 13 Iceland over to fucking Ireland down into Paris across Europe

Speaker 13 across fucking

Speaker 13 no I'm sorry England that's England there okay

Speaker 13 then they go across to Eastern Europe then right through Moscow to Russia

Speaker 13 right back over to fucking anyway cross over to Alaska and then they come back down to Vancouver up to fucking yellowknife for whatever fucking reason. I guess they're celebrating Canada.

Speaker 13 You have to go over those fucking Rocky Mountains, too. That's scary.

Speaker 13 We start in Vaughan, and our first stop is the Canadian Aviation and Space Museum in Ottawa, where a grand send-off is planned. From there, we fly east along St.
Lawrence to Newfoundland.

Speaker 13 I guess I could have read this instead of trying to guess with their map.

Speaker 13 North along the keys of Labrador to Iqualuit,

Speaker 13 Iqualuit,

Speaker 13 east, then through Greenland and Iceland

Speaker 13 and the Faroe Islands to the UK, then through Europe and into Russia. A full third of our trip is through Russia.
Exclamation point. They're excited because they're Canadian.

Speaker 13 They get along with people. We return to North America via Alaska and then zigzag in Canada to visit as many places as possible.
We finish up back in Vaughan, taking 35 to 40 days in total.

Speaker 13 We'll be flying some of the most far-flung and beautiful places in Canada and drinking deeply from its diverse beauty. Oh, I thought they'd be boozing.
I was like, these guys are nuts.

Speaker 13 Urban skylines, Arctic seas, winds. Ah, you motherfucker.
God bless these two. What a great fucking thing to do.

Speaker 13 More importantly, what kind of helicopter is that?

Speaker 13 That's a fully articulated rotor system.

Speaker 13 No fucking

Speaker 13 rolling over the right as your dad's sliding into you.

Speaker 13 Holy shit.

Speaker 13 That's fucking amazing. I want to keep up on that.
When do they say they're doing it?

Speaker 13 Starting July 1st. They're already off on their way.
Can I follow it?

Speaker 13 They're like dad and son Amelia hair hot.

Speaker 13 Except they're going to make it, right?

Speaker 13 All right. Well, good for them.
A lot of helicopter talk this week. All right.

Speaker 13 Here we go. Weird new co-worker.

Speaker 13 Hey, Billy, hold your nuts.

Speaker 13 I might have gone over the line at work and want to know your or Nia's input

Speaker 13 would be on this. Okay, long story short, I essentially quit my job today because a coworker was taking pictures of me.

Speaker 13 Before you jump to any conclusions, hear me out, and you might agree with me in the end. I don't like that somebody's taking it.
It sounds like you didn't want your picture taken.

Speaker 13 This Monday, we got a new employee that basically acts like she's in a reality show.

Speaker 13 The first day, I thought she might be joking around by doing the classic go from one person to the next and whisper, turning around, talk about the other employees in the room.

Speaker 13 Okay, go from one person to the next and whisper,

Speaker 13 turn around, talk about the other employees in the room. Because she's already talking shit about everybody.
But then I realized she's just crazy.

Speaker 13 She has taken pictures and videos of all the men at work and shared them with her Snapchat or Instagram or whatever crap it is she uses to communicate with other people that are on her level.

Speaker 13 Sounds like she's trying to get a reality show herself or become famous or something.

Speaker 13 The first time she did this, she was standing a few feet away from me and did a 180 jump spin that would have made Dennis Rodman proud, and with her phone, she took a picture and said that one was for Instagram.

Speaker 13 It startled the hell out of me, and I plainly said, Don't take pictures of me.

Speaker 13 Over the day, she continued to take pictures of the rest of the guy without consent, of course, and I got to see a couple of them. One was of my boss's ass with the text over it that said,

Speaker 13 Debt booty, though.

Speaker 13 Oh, God, this is, yeah, this is somebody who just spends too much time on the internet. I don't know why you quit your job.
You should have just gone to don't you guys just go to HR?

Speaker 13 So the only thing that got finally got me was when I was restocking the shelves and realized after walking across the store that I felt I was being watched.

Speaker 13 I looked up and saw her grinning while holding her phone and I asked her if she had taken a video of me. She said she was taking a video of the rain outside and I happened to walk across the path.

Speaker 13 Obviously, bullshit. I called her bluff and asked her to show me the video from the beginning.
And it's clear that it starts and ends with me, 20 seconds of me wheeling merchandise around.

Speaker 13 You can barely see a window on the back where you can't even tell it's raining.

Speaker 13 She's standing 60 feet away from the fucking window. All right.

Speaker 13 Now, before you say, oh, maybe she likes you, dude, I'm on your side and wants to see you.

Speaker 13 Let me be clear. No one is touching themselves to a video of a guy with a dad baud wheeling around merchandise.

Speaker 13 It's not that, and she knows I'm happy in my relationship with my longtime girlfriend, regardless. I complained to my boss, who, after two days, finally talked to her about it, and then she told me

Speaker 13 she said I walked in front of a rain video she was making. I said, if it was the other way around and it was a guy taking videos of women, I'm sure that would have been grounds for dismissal.

Speaker 13 Absolutely. I also forgot to mention that she went through my boss's text when he wasn't looking to see which women were talking to him.

Speaker 13 It pissed me off that he was more than willing to believe that she was suddenly a part-time

Speaker 13 meteorologist than just believing me that it was the 40th video of that kind she was taking of us.

Speaker 13 So I kind of snapped and told him not to bother insulting our intelligence by trying to believe his excuse. And I said, if she tells him the picture of his ass,

Speaker 13 and I said, if she tells him the picture of his ass she took was intended to be a picture of morning fog until he got in the way to just keep it to himself and I quit. Ah, dude, you snapped.

Speaker 13 You snapped. You know why?

Speaker 13 Sorry, dude, I got the volume up too high. You know why you snapped? Because, like me, you had expectations and you lost your patience.
And that caused you to lose your fucking mind.

Speaker 13 And you know what? You're 100% in the right. At least I'm hearing your side of the story here.

Speaker 13 So what do you think? Did I go too far? Should I have given her time to adjust? I'm sure you deal with unwanted pictures of you every day, but I'm not famous and haven't done anything to deserve this.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I mean, exactly. That's it.
I mean, you're not jumping around like a monkey on stage.

Speaker 13 I feel like I'm being followed by the worst PI, and I can't

Speaker 13 help it. It gives me anxiety.
As far as I know, she's already has pictures of me with the eyes cut out at home.

Speaker 13 The way I see it, I'm not wasting time waiting until a a coworker grows up to learn the difference between right and wrong. She happens to be 19, but I'm talking about mental maturity

Speaker 13 because I've worked alongside teenagers before who know perfectly well what the appropriate way to believe, to behave at work is.

Speaker 13 And this job pays lousy enough that it's no big loss as far as I'm concerned. Thanks, and I hope you and Nia have a little, and the little one have a good 4th of July.

Speaker 13 You guys are A-plus family as far as I'm concerned. Thank you very much.

Speaker 13 I agree with you 100%. The only thing is she's 19,

Speaker 13 so I think they just need to talk to her. I wish she didn't quit your job, but it sounds like you're not really worried, so I don't think it was your dream job.

Speaker 13 I mean, maybe her behavior opened the door for something. You got to turn it into a positive.

Speaker 13 And you also have to learn, like I'm trying to learn with my behavior in Verizon in the fucking bank this week.

Speaker 13 You know, you know what it was? Was you asked her nicely.

Speaker 13 She ignored

Speaker 13 what you you asked her not to do, you went to the person of authority, and he swept it under the rug, and then that was enough to make you fucking snap. I completely understand that.

Speaker 13 I think your behavior is completely normal. I'm surprised you didn't tell your boss to go fuck himself.

Speaker 13 But at the end of the day, you know, you don't have a job now. So,

Speaker 13 and you're actually a good guy.

Speaker 13 I mean, what did the guy say when you quit?

Speaker 13 He was all right with that?

Speaker 13 I think kids grow up today, and they,

Speaker 13 because they so overshare on all of these things, their boundaries with privacy is pretty much non-existent.

Speaker 13 I mean, there was like a famous woman who took video of an older woman naked in the locker room going, oh my god, look at her old ass.

Speaker 13 She got into like, and like, she had no idea that, like, that's like, why would you do that to somebody? That's somebody's mom or their grandmother, but I don't know. People are

Speaker 13 bad enough. I gotta be honest with you, it's bad enough when someone comes up to you and just takes a picture you don't want, but when people walk up with the video already on,

Speaker 13 yeah, I don't like that, and even with what I do, because you know, they're usually an extremely selfish person, and the whole moment is about them.

Speaker 13 You know, that whole, oh man, YOLO, look at my life right now, shaking my head, whatever the fucking dumb shit that they're doing.

Speaker 13 It really is funny, though, when you watch these fucking kids on, like, Instagram and everything, everybody's acting like they have, like, a hit show and that they're like these celebrities themselves.

Speaker 13 Like, always taking like, you know, Snapchat, fucking pictures of, like, the food they're eating, the car that they're in, the fucking view that they have. Everybody's like acting like,

Speaker 13 I don't know, that they're flying, everybody's trying to act like they're flying around in a fucking private jet. I don't understand it.
But I'm also, I'm realizing that I'm fucking old, so

Speaker 13 I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 13 I think you reacted in a normal fucking way. I wish you didn't quit your job, though, because I think you're 100% right.

Speaker 13 In the future, I would just go to HR, and when you're, I would go to your boss, and when he doesn't, I would make a formal complaint,

Speaker 13 and that would stop it.

Speaker 13 But I would know at that point that I would hate that 19-year-old so much that it would be hard to even be around her. Like,

Speaker 13 I have a big issue with forgiving people.

Speaker 13 Like, once you're in the cunt column,

Speaker 13 it's kind of a life sentence.

Speaker 13 So, there you go. Yeah, move on with your life and just kind of learn from that shit.
But good for you for speaking up. But don't do anything else.

Speaker 13 Don't go back to the fucking business like a lunatic and fucking key somebody's car or anything like that. Just fucking walk away from it.
All right, girlfriend's opportunity.

Speaker 13 Hey, Billy Red Wings.

Speaker 13 So, my girlfriend is really doing well at work. She's been offered a job in Switzerland.
She would rather move in with me and stay in the United States.

Speaker 13 I feel that she's missing out on a great career opportunity and should go. I love her, but I'm not in love with her yet.
She's also considering leaving her job, too.

Speaker 13 I like our relationship, but I'm more practical. You should take advantage of things that come across in your life.
What are your thoughts?

Speaker 13 My thoughts are you don't have the balls to break up with her.

Speaker 13 And she's committing to you in a way that you're not prepared for, and you need to break up with her and tell her to go to Switzerland and not quit her fucking job. That was an easy one.

Speaker 13 I love her, but I'm not in love with her yet. And you're going to fuck, she's going to quit her job and move in with you because she's head over fucking heels.

Speaker 13 Oh, boy, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Tell her to go to Switzerland and fuck some blue-eyed fucking

Speaker 13 specimen.

Speaker 13 Blue-eyed, blonde-haired specimen. And forget about you.
All right, girlfriend wants me to change my name. Dear Bill, I'm a huge, longtime fan of yours from the younger generation.

Speaker 13 F1s,

Speaker 13 F1's for family. Oh, F is for family.
God, I can't even read my name on my own. Fucking that's an I.
F is for family is fucking awesome.

Speaker 13 Can't wait for season three to come out to see what happens next. Well, thank you.
I was hoping you could give me your two cents on this situation.

Speaker 13 I've been in a relationship with a wonderful young lady for over two years now. We met at a community college in my state and hit it off really quickly.
She's smart, outgoing, beautiful.

Speaker 13 Community college. Easy.

Speaker 13 Oh, but the smart thing there. All right.
No, I'm kidding. A lot of smart people go to community college.
They do. They just fucking scatterbrained.
A lot of dopes go there, too.

Speaker 13 She's smart, outgoing, beautiful,

Speaker 13 and has a great sense of humor. She's a tall, slim, black girl, while I am a greasy-haired Italian white guy, and we get along great.

Speaker 13 The problem

Speaker 13 first started with my dad. He's a total racist, and since

Speaker 13 we can't afford to put me in a real university, I have to live with him. I've tried to get him to change his ways, but it's like you said in your act.

Speaker 13 Old men like him come from a different era, so there's probably zero chance he'll ever change his mind. Yeah, he can't change somebody's mind.
They have to want to.

Speaker 13 I told my girlfriend how frustrating it is with him, and she understands that even though my dad hates her and doesn't want us to be together, that I'm nothing like him, at least where it counts.

Speaker 13 Even though I can't stand my dad's attitude, I know that

Speaker 13 he only wants the best for me. So I try to be a good boyfriend and a good son while keeping my father and girlfriend separate from each other.

Speaker 13 We also spend time out at her or out at her place and Shoey comes over to my place when my father is on a business retreat. Jesus Christ, this is complex.

Speaker 13 It's really inconvenient, but we've been making it work for over two years in spite of the tribulation, and we're still going strong.

Speaker 13 It seems like I got everything figured out. All right.

Speaker 13 Jesus, this is a fucking long one.

Speaker 13 Seems like I got everything figured out, Bill. But here's where things get tricky.
Since I'm his firstborn son, my dad named him after himself. Since

Speaker 13 same first name, middle name, and last name. My girlfriend hates that the guy she's been in a serious relationship with for a long time has the same name as a cantankerous old racist dago.

Speaker 13 I like how you're being racist about yourself. Greasy, Italian, dago.
Anyways, who hates her sexy black ass for no justifiable reason? Jesus Christ. This sounds like bad fucking dialogue in a porno.

Speaker 13 She wants me to legally change my name completely, first, middle, and last, so that there is no connection to my father whatsoever.

Speaker 13 When I asked her what name she thinks I should have, dude, this is, I don't believe this. You got to be shitting me.
She said I could change my last name to the same as her, her name, last name,

Speaker 13 parentheses, what the fuck. I told her that if it would make her happy, I would be willing to change my name.
But if I did that, my dad would feel betrayed.

Speaker 13 He would hate her even more for stealing away, stealing only son away from him, and the rest of the family would think I'm a total

Speaker 13 trying to dissociate myself from them, which is totally not the case. She got upset with me and has given me regular reminders since then that she's serious about wanting me to go through with this.

Speaker 13 This isn't the first time I've considered changing my name, even before I started dating this woman. It's a very Italian-sounding name.
So, what? You're very Italian.

Speaker 13 That people always made fun of me for throughout school, so I've come to dislike it myself. Yeah, dude, you got a lot of self-loathing going on here.
Italians are the shit.

Speaker 13 Who makes better food than you? Huh?

Speaker 13 Japanese.

Speaker 13 No, you guys make like the best food on the fucking planet.

Speaker 13 The Ferrari, the Ducati.

Speaker 13 You fucking women, the Mediterranean lifestyle. Dog, what are you walking away from here?

Speaker 13 So, Bill, what the fuck should I do here? How can I make things right with my girlfriend as well as my dad without accepting one party or the other?

Speaker 13 She stopped introducing me to people using my name and she only refers to me as my boyfriend. I've been able to

Speaker 13 circumvent hostility between my dad and my girlfriend before, but

Speaker 13 I'm totally lost with this one. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Thanks and go fuck yourself. Sincerely,

Speaker 13 that's funny. And he fucking leaves his name off.
Here's a deal, too. First of all,

Speaker 13 this isn't about your dad and this isn't about your girlfriend. This is about you.

Speaker 13 Okay? You date who the fuck you want to date, and your name is your fucking name. And your heritage is your fucking heritage.

Speaker 13 All right?

Speaker 13 Like, what if her fucking, her parents didn't like you because you were white and you said, okay, you're named after your mom. I can't stand your mom.
Change your fucking name.

Speaker 13 And I'm going to pick the name. And it's not going to sound like, you know,

Speaker 13 I guess black people don't have their fucking ethnic names anymore, do they?

Speaker 13 Thank you, white people. But you know what I mean.
Yeah, fuck that, dude. You can't do that shit.

Speaker 13 You can't do that shit. Fuck that.
Your name is your name and you're Italian and you should be fucking proud of it, okay? And you're not your dad, and she needs to fucking accept that.

Speaker 13 You're not changing your fucking name. And if she has a problem, she can fucking walk away.
She can fucking walk. All right.

Speaker 13 You know what you really need to do? You need to get out of your fucking house and you need to fucking build your own life. Okay, and you need to be with somebody.
Like, this is fucking nuts.

Speaker 13 Like, I gotta tell you, dude, like, that

Speaker 13 if you thought about shit, if that came from you, that's one thing. But the fact that she fucking wants you to do that, that's fucking insane.
Don't do it. You know,

Speaker 13 you're giving into everybody else, and you're not staying true to yourself. You got to figure out what the fuck you want, and you have to be yourself.

Speaker 13 Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Speaker 13 Your dad is who the fuck he is. Your girlfriend is who she is, and you're who you are, okay? And you should be proud of who the fuck you are.

Speaker 13 Work on the stuff you need to work on and be proud of your heritage.

Speaker 13 I don't fucking get that at all. You know, I know a number of people, like Italians, they always say it's too Italian sound of name.
Who fucking gives a shit?

Speaker 13 I don't understand. Like,

Speaker 13 I wouldn't do that.

Speaker 13 I miss all the fucking ethnic names. Everybody homogenized their fucking names.

Speaker 13 I think it's interesting when you meet somebody

Speaker 13 that's like that. So I think you need to pump the brakes here, sir.

Speaker 13 All Alright?

Speaker 13 Because now it's getting fucking crazy. And

Speaker 13 yeah, don't do that to your dad. Don't change your fucking name.
Who gives a shit? He's an old crabby fucking racist. This is the deal, dude.
He's going to die someday, all right?

Speaker 13 And you're going to continue on. So what you haven't done yet is you haven't created your own life.
You're still living at home with this guy. So you have to fucking move out.
Alright?

Speaker 13 The name he gave you is the name that he fucking gave you. Don't change it because of his stupid fucking thoughts.
Okay?

Speaker 13 Embrace who the fuck you are. And if this woman you can't fucking deal with it, tell her to walk.

Speaker 13 Tell her to fucking walk. You're young.
There's plenty of fish in the fucking sea.

Speaker 13 Jesus Christ, you're gonna fucking bend over that far?

Speaker 13 You're bending over backwards, flip. You're like your fucking gymnast.
You know, when they do those things? Hands, foot, hand, foot, hand, foot, all the way across the fucking

Speaker 13 diagonally across the goddamn mat. Fuck that.

Speaker 13 Fuck all of that, you know?

Speaker 13 I liked your girlfriend at first. By the end of this fucking thing, I didn't like her.
Okay? Because she's waging war with your dad through you.

Speaker 13 And you're innocent. Alright? You're the guy taking her out for a fucking ice cream.
Why do you got to do all this shit?

Speaker 13 Yeah, what though? I mean, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 13 Her telling you to change your fucking name would be you telling her to go get a go. Can you get like a weave, like a blonde weave or some shit like that? I mean, what the the fuck?

Speaker 13 You got to be who the fuck you are.

Speaker 13 God bless you, You Italian son of a bitch.

Speaker 13 Stay true to your heritage. Stay true to your fucking name.
Continue not to be racist. And fucking just

Speaker 13 be yourself.

Speaker 13 Change your fucking name.

Speaker 13 Oh, Jesus Christ. Anyways, all right, that's the podcast for this week.

Speaker 13 I'll check in on you on Thursday. Have a happy, safe

Speaker 13 4th of July. And if you're not in this country, enjoy your fucking Tuesday.

Speaker 13 The halls of darkness have the doors that open.

Speaker 13 It's never late

Speaker 13 to see the light.

Speaker 13 So if you're in the habit

Speaker 13 of putting people down

Speaker 13 just because they're different from the wrong side of town.

Speaker 13 I don't count a blame medals on depth on you. But what you need,

Speaker 13 what you need,

Speaker 13 what you need is a change of habits.