Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-19-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 2 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 3 Terms apply.

Speaker 4 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Bird. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in on you.

Speaker 4 It's too early for me to scream like I usually do. And it's look at this.
It's videotaped. So you know what that means.
We're using the latest camcorders here

Speaker 4 at the studio here. That means I have a very special guest.
Only special guests get videotaped. If they're regular, they're regular.
No.

Speaker 4 It's audio only. only.
My guest today is the frontman for arguably the greatest rock band of the last 25 years, in my opinion, Mr. Josh Hami from Queens of the Stone Age.

Speaker 5 Under the table.

Speaker 4 Under the table. That's how it's done, Paiola.
And he has a new

Speaker 4 amazing documentary,

Speaker 4 Under the Catacombs.

Speaker 4 Alive in the Catacombs.

Speaker 5 Alive in the Catacombs.

Speaker 4 Alive in the Catacombs, which

Speaker 4 I've been to Paris a couple of times, and I had no idea that that was underneath the city.

Speaker 5 It's actually 200 miles of that.

Speaker 4 200 miles in the sewer system, essentially. They ran out of places to bury people and they just put them underneath the coal.

Speaker 5 It was a coal mine.

Speaker 4 And it's all skulls and bones and femurs, all of that stuff sticking out of the walls. And Josh goes,

Speaker 4 What a wonderful place.

Speaker 5 I love it.

Speaker 5 A couple throw pillows.

Speaker 4 But the thing about it is, is what you were going through yourself medically, you were kind of at death's door.

Speaker 4 When you were,

Speaker 4 I don't know how to go into this.

Speaker 5 It's jumping.

Speaker 4 It's gorgeous.

Speaker 4 I'm a sucker for black and white when done right. Not pretentiously, like it means you're playing acoustic going into electric for your ballad.

Speaker 5 Yeah, for one ballad person.

Speaker 4 That's how it was done in the 80s. But the way that you guys did it,

Speaker 4 and then cutting back and forth the footage of you guys on tour,

Speaker 4 one of my favorite things is seeing a band right before they're going on stage.

Speaker 5 I think that's the best.

Speaker 5 I think that's the very best time. It's got to be the same for walking on stage for you.

Speaker 5 It's that moment the lights go out, the intro music is playing, the crowd goes wild, and for one second, everything is perfect. Everyone's happy.

Speaker 4 For one second, you're like, I have no business doing this.

Speaker 5 And hey, how's everybody doing?

Speaker 5 No, that's the happiest moment for sure. It's like nothing bad has happened yet, you know?

Speaker 4 Yeah, but I also feel like you can see the psychology of the band. Everything from they're going to to break up the second this show is done.
This is mid-tour. This is beginning of the tour.

Speaker 4 This is the end of the tour. And you guys all looked like,

Speaker 4 you guys always looked really psyched to

Speaker 4 play. And I always, whenever you guys are around each other, you guys all have like your jokes and you get along.
Like, I don't know if that's just from years of being on the road, but the vibe.

Speaker 5 Well, some bands don't get along at all. Oh, yeah.
And famously, and I find that interesting too, but we actually get along. So we vacation together, which is a strange thing to take it off tour.

Speaker 4 Do you have the stills if you dump the water

Speaker 4 on John?

Speaker 5 Lotioning up John, actually.

Speaker 5 From People magazine from afar, you know, just lotioning him up.

Speaker 4 No, it's hard enough to get along with one other person. Like,

Speaker 4 when I was coming up and radio was still the big thing, the amount of times that I did morning radio to promote whatever comedy club I was at, and the morning show is so-and-so and so-and-so.

Speaker 4 and you'd go in there and they'd be like oh yeah hey what's going on and they would be talking and vibing and then they would go to commercial and you quickly kind of realized they didn't speak or look at each other and they were sort of talking to each other through you and you're like oh this is this is a loveless marriage yeah well there's a certain amount too that we see you spend so much time together

Speaker 5 that it would seem natural that you just go your separate ways. But we just, I think it's because each member came at a different time.

Speaker 5 And so you're slowly finding the right puzzle piece and locking it in. Right.

Speaker 5 And it's communication, Bill. It is.
This is what I've learned.

Speaker 4 You just have to say in a positive way. Well, how did the whole idea,

Speaker 4 when did that come about? I know just what I know about you, the second you saw those skulls and bones, you're like, oh yeah,

Speaker 5 I got to play that gig. The sewers of Paris with dead bodies.

Speaker 5 I was born to do this. Well, it actually,

Speaker 5 I remember learning about the catacombs in a book when I was like eight, you know, and just being fascinated, just that it seems so taboo.

Speaker 5 Like you're stacking bodies and you're doing, you know, geometric designs with them. At first, I thought, are you allowed to do that? You know,

Speaker 5 it seems like a bit of a dick move until you see it.

Speaker 4 It walks the line of respect and artful and then sort of serial killer necrophilia.

Speaker 5 Like, what are you doing, Gary? Oh, I'm just stacking them, you know, and it's like there's heart done into hearts and stuff like that, where it's like, if you love your job, you never work again.

Speaker 5 Down there juggling skulls

Speaker 5 what are you doing i'm on break doing a little soft shoe with a femur

Speaker 4 but it is like it's typical Paris where it's like

Speaker 5 everything's art even that is gorgeous even that is gorgeous so well we're all gonna deal with it too so I think so much of the time here you're you've never like don't think about death let's talk about you want to have you see seen that new mission impossible movie instead it's just and uh I mean I had no way of knowing that I would be sort of dealing on death's door myself, which made it really strange to be there.

Speaker 4 How long did,

Speaker 4 I don't know if you want to get into what the I mean, not too deep, but

Speaker 5 a little bit. I was, you know, it made it really.

Speaker 4 Like, doctors were telling you to get off the road.

Speaker 5 They didn't know what I had, so they were sort of giving me advice based on being incorrect.

Speaker 5 And so, of course, they were like, you know,

Speaker 5 play it safe. But everyone cancels, man.

Speaker 5 Everyone cancels. It drives me crazy.
And by the time we got to Paris, I knew the tour was over. The band knew that I couldn't go any further.
But I just wanted it so bad.

Speaker 5 We've been trying to put it together for 20 years, you know? And almost like,

Speaker 5 excuse me, almost.

Speaker 4 You've wanted to play that gig for 20 years?

Speaker 5 I've been trying to put it together for 20 years.

Speaker 5 And it would get close, and then it would go away. And it was almost like.

Speaker 4 What would make it go schedules or was Paris just like, hey, you know?

Speaker 5 Yeah, ask him. And then you go ask someone else and be like, ask her.
You know, just get in the runaround and you give up for a second. And then, you know,

Speaker 5 it would be like Paris is

Speaker 5 on the tour schedule. And I would say, well, time to take another run at this, you know? And I almost stopped believing that it would be possible until we met this guy.

Speaker 5 They had this show called Album of the Week where you just play your record on television there, which is a novel idea.

Speaker 5 But he played Cupid and sort of got us in the right hands finally. But I knew it would go away if we didn't do it.
And I just thought,

Speaker 5 it physically hurts, but that's going to go away. That's going to go away.

Speaker 5 But this will last hopefully forever, you know? And

Speaker 5 if I'm honest, it made it cooler having to go through something

Speaker 5 because it's like, are you going to do it or not?

Speaker 5 Are you going to quit or not?

Speaker 5 And I felt good about, I honestly felt like, no,

Speaker 5 I can do this.

Speaker 5 It made me feel like I was, it added a layer of importance to it that I, and that, I'm going to say enjoyed, but

Speaker 5 I was proud to.

Speaker 4 So when you finally get on, I can't even say on stage, when you get under the

Speaker 5 underground, underground. Seriously, underground.

Speaker 4 In the sewer system and the show is actually happening. Something that people have told me, like when I'm going to go do something, they always go, make sure you take it in, make sure you enjoy it.

Speaker 4 And I'm always jealous because I feel like with music, you can kind of do that.

Speaker 4 When someone else is taking a solo, you can kind of strum along and look where like comedy is like, I can't take it in because I have to, I made you laugh. Now I got to keep the momentum.

Speaker 5 But I would say that there's got, there's certainly there's many moments, and maybe you almost don't realize them because you're so in it, where you're not thinking about anything else and you're not thinking about the past or the future.

Speaker 5 You're just there

Speaker 5 in the center of your feet and it's happening.

Speaker 5 and i like that a lot i like that feeling of everything else is chased away and i i don't i don't think can you do that naturally do you have to play a game with yourself mentally like there's the grind of the road well you know you're it's it's a bit like you know dodgeball sometimes i get hit with it and sometimes i i don't you know yes and but i'm always trying to be in the moment like that and i i think because of what was going on i was so focused plus we did we did i might not get out of these i might well i might be part of this wall I mean I started saying wouldn't it be ironic if something if this really took a bad there was one moment there's one moment we have the song villains of circumstance it was the third song we did and there's one moment and they actually caught it in the dock part where I

Speaker 5 got such a searing pain I was like excuse me I'm gonna take take a minute and I had to get up and I thought oh my god I'm gonna I started sweating and I was like I can't do this I'm gonna have to tell everyone we're gonna go can you do that can you tell everyone to go?

Speaker 5 What would they say? I'm like having this dialogue.

Speaker 5 And it hurt so bad. It was so specific and acute.

Speaker 4 You almost became that short list of performers who died on stage.

Speaker 5 But what a great way to go. I mean, if you had to, I also would do.
Okay, so what would be your top three?

Speaker 4 It's your last laugh because people, I don't know about that.

Speaker 5 You get the last laugh.

Speaker 4 Well, back when Pratt Falls were so common, if you dropped dead as a comedian on stage back in the day, people thought, oh, he's.

Speaker 5 Remember the English? What was the English guy that used to wear the fez?

Speaker 4 Yes, I saw that the other day. Oh, my God.
He's so crazy.

Speaker 5 And everyone, he has a massive coronary. Everyone thinks he's joking.

Speaker 4 And then he's going like

Speaker 5 a second, like laughing, and then he just kind of.

Speaker 4 No, I don't think he topples over. He kind of

Speaker 5 crumpled.

Speaker 4 It's like when they implode a building and they fuck up, and like the bottom goes, it just sort of sits there to the side.

Speaker 5 All right. Oh, that's fucked up.

Speaker 4 Well, it was going to be dark, too.

Speaker 5 Okay, well, then what's the top? What's the top? I'll tell you my top three ways to go.

Speaker 5 I think on stage would be a very poetic one, so I'd have to throw that in there. The other one, I'm okay with a nuclear blast

Speaker 5 because

Speaker 5 you're with your family. You all go at the same time.
You hope.

Speaker 5 Well, I'm this.

Speaker 5 I'm going to picture that.

Speaker 4 I'm by myself in like a hotel room. It's like,

Speaker 5 Kojak rerun, you know, at a Motel 6. No, I'm, this is in my perfect world, right? And it probably would look fucking amazing because you'd just be, you'd say to yourself, wow, look at that.

Speaker 5 And then that hot, icy wind.

Speaker 5 I love that it's hot and icy.

Speaker 5 That hot wind, you know, just blows up. You feel like Shaq right now.

Speaker 4 You're doing a promo. Well, what was that thing? Did you see that on the internet where these people were filming this explosion and it just kept getting bigger and bigger?

Speaker 5 So they're doing the whole whoa, whoa, whoa. And then it keeps coming.
And then it's like, we got to get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 5 I don't know what it is. You've been watching such the same stuff.
Oh, my God. It is.

Speaker 4 I think because we're friends, they just send the same shit so we have something to talk about.

Speaker 5 Bill says.

Speaker 4 Yeah. And this whole relationship doesn't crumble.

Speaker 5 Like the bomb footage that we were watching.

Speaker 4 Our whole relationship is just the common things we watched on Instagram.

Speaker 5 Did you see the hyena get eaten by the

Speaker 5 matter of fact, I did. Some nerd probably says, Well, what would you have? What would be in your list? Is there anything that would be in your list of ways to

Speaker 5 do that?

Speaker 4 You don't like it? No, I just always picture myself

Speaker 4 with my family surrounding my bed, and I just tell them how much I love them. I asked them if I did a good job.
They say, Yeah, and I give them just, you know,

Speaker 5 that. Yeah.

Speaker 7 It's a fantasy.

Speaker 5 Or

Speaker 5 no, I don't have any like, you know.

Speaker 5 I thought yours would be like my third one, which is, you know, I don't golf or anything, but I imagine myself with a cigar golfing, going, God damn it, yelling, and just I just fall.

Speaker 5 Massive corner dies on the spot. Though I don't put my hands down and I just slide to a halt, and that's it.

Speaker 4 He died doing what he loved, blaming his clubs.

Speaker 5 Yelling.

Speaker 4 No, I want the

Speaker 4 the borderline natural causes. And like, I don't have

Speaker 4 some evil knievel. I'm jumping.
I got a cape on.

Speaker 4 And right before I do it, I give everybody, this is how you live and this is how you die. I don't have any of that.
Like, I don't want to die on stage. I would like to be.

Speaker 4 I would like to be retired. I would like to have the courage to walk away from this business at some point and just, you know, hang out with my lovely wife.

Speaker 5 But is there a need to ever return? I think about this for music, too.

Speaker 5 It's like, it's no, that's not like, it's not like, you know, you're an underwater welder where it's like, I think I've, you know, rolled the dice enough times. There's no real reason to get it.

Speaker 4 My elbow's given out from holding the mic. I just can't fucking do it.

Speaker 5 I can't do it anymore.

Speaker 4 I'm in constant pain.

Speaker 4 No, I think.

Speaker 4 Icy hot.

Speaker 5 Shaq. I see hot, yeah.

Speaker 4 It doesn't do anything. It numbs the problem.
Yeah. And then you run out of the icy hot, and then you got to put another one on or else because it doesn't fix your elements.

Speaker 5 It goes fast to that icy hot.

Speaker 5 But there's no real reason to retire.

Speaker 5 To do what? You could still do an occasional show. It could just be a lot of fun.
You know what?

Speaker 4 My grandmother volunteered at a hospital in the thing and she made people coffee and everything. And it was just such a small, simple life after traveling all around.

Speaker 4 Like, there's something about living in a small town and just being able, there's never any traffic downtown. Yeah.

Speaker 4 And waving to people that you know, and then just going down there and making people grilled cheese sandwiches and coffee yeah i'd like to exotic dance for the elderly and then feel that weird feeling

Speaker 6 exotic dancing for the elderly though yeah you know what it is i don't want to have to like know how to do it too much i like a little captive audio little cymbals in your hands yeah little belly dances you know just off the cheek and just a little um all right it's simply safe everybody you know that moment at night when you're locking up turning off the lights and you just want to feel completely safe before heading to bed you know, you want to get eight hours without getting murdered.

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Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 2 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco.

Speaker 3 It ain't right.

Speaker 2 Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 3 Terms apply.

Speaker 4 Well, you guys came out to the show last night. I was worried that you didn't make it.

Speaker 5 Because we overbought tickets.

Speaker 4 You overbought tickets. Yeah.

Speaker 5 We had a section over here. If it looked a little empty, that was me.

Speaker 4 Was that your first Broadway show? Have you been to other ones?

Speaker 5 I have been to other ones.

Speaker 5 Cats. Oh, God.
Fucking hate cats so much, man.

Speaker 4 Somebody's got to like it.

Speaker 4 It went on for so long.

Speaker 5 I can't. And telephone.

Speaker 5 This is how much I love my daughter.

Speaker 4 We take mushrooms.

Speaker 5 Oh, that would. Okay, of course that would be cats.
Of course. But that's just team bonding.

Speaker 4 And then we get it.

Speaker 5 Oh, we get it.

Speaker 4 And then we finally get it.

Speaker 5 This is how much I love my daughter. She was in a production of cats.
That's what we'd be doing in the audience.

Speaker 4 Yeah, the whole fucking time.

Speaker 5 Just we rub my hand.

Speaker 5 That's how much I love my daughter.

Speaker 5 She was in a production of cats, which is the thing I dislike the most, you know. And she was in this production of it, and she was so cute.
She got stage frightened.

Speaker 5 She's little, like nine or something.

Speaker 5 She comes out, she goes to do a line. She does her line, and then turns, sees the audience, and just freezes.

Speaker 1 The white room.

Speaker 5 Yeah, the white room. And then

Speaker 5 turns, you know, she's like a cat doing the body position, but then she just just takes off. Like a cat does.
And I went to both showings of this

Speaker 5 because I just endured the cats thing because I just, you know,

Speaker 5 she was my little, she's my little feline. I just.

Speaker 4 Wow, dude, seeing an amateur production of cats, I mean, that makes me feel like I'm not.

Speaker 5 I just want to smash my dick with a hammer.

Speaker 4 No, but I'm saying, as a dad, dude, that's big.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 5 that took a lot. Yeah.
That took a lot of time.

Speaker 4 I saw a fourth-grade production of cats.

Speaker 5 I don't want to hear it.

Speaker 4 Go clean your room.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 you're in the middle of a tour right now.

Speaker 5 It's true, yeah.

Speaker 4 You look great, by the way.

Speaker 5 I feel really good.

Speaker 4 You do.

Speaker 4 You're fucking jacked. You know, you got it all that's all thin now for the right reasons.

Speaker 5 Really? Broccoli. Yeah, I'm not sure.
Not heroin. We had dinner last night.
I ate very well.

Speaker 5 You did. No more.

Speaker 4 You had octopus.

Speaker 5 It hurt a little bit.

Speaker 4 I'm one of those people. I saw that documentary where that dude made friends with an octopus.
I swear to God, you watch enough of those. If I see one more cow-free.

Speaker 5 So you stopped eating whale, too, after the flagfish.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I definitely did that. But, you know, I do have a gig coming up in Tokyo.
I don't. I wish I did.

Speaker 4 No, I see, like, these videos of, we probably watched the same video, of like these dairy cows that have never been outside, and then they get freed. They go out into the field.

Speaker 4 They act like fucking dogs. Like, I had no idea they had that.
They're like jumping around all excited.

Speaker 5 Oh, just free. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Have you seen the ones where they like jazz?

Speaker 4 Cows like jazz? I think it's just the horn sounds like somebody mooing. It sounds exotic to them.
So I think they're coming over there. Strange mooing.

Speaker 4 Yeah, they're coming over there to get banged and everybody's like, oh my God, they love Coltrain.

Speaker 5 It's like,

Speaker 5 I don't think they do.

Speaker 4 I think it kind of sounds like a cow.

Speaker 4 Because it's always a saxophone and whatever, that lower one. And they all just kind of go like, oh, who the fuck's that? And they all come running over.

Speaker 5 But it is cute to see them bump and jump like that a little bit.

Speaker 4 It's amazing. It's amazing.
I don't.

Speaker 5 until i get hungry and then i'm just like oh whatever okay yeah i saw a thing like my octopus last night i don't feel anything about that i feel okay about that yeah that was uh you know you were kind of shooting me some evils there over the table i didn't i just thought uh

Speaker 4 you know like i kind of felt

Speaker 4 you know this is an expression of his childhood this has nothing to do with the octopus why i'm screaming don't get caught don't get caught

Speaker 4 this is on you bro you got eight arms the thing it caught you only had two i mean what the fuck yeah you could have couldn't have got away i saw this video one time this guy this farmer had this cow right

Speaker 4 well he had a bunch of cows and they were they in the morning they were all like beat up like they'd been slapped around or some shit like in some sort of yeah and so tell me where the milk is yes

Speaker 4 so

Speaker 4 He thought it was some wild animal doing it. And it turned out it was one of the other cows or one of the steers.
I don't know what was coming in. It was just being a fucking asshole.

Speaker 5 So he was a bully and everybody.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so then he's like, All right, I got to separate this thing and keep it chill so it doesn't know I'm going to kill it, so it doesn't make the meat taste bad. So he fucking

Speaker 5 so the fear isn't in sort of running through the meat.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so they're just sitting there like, oh, the leaves are brown, and then bang, right?

Speaker 5 So he fucking takes this cow out,

Speaker 4 and then for whatever reason, he had like a little mini front-end loader, and he tied the back legs to the front bucket.

Speaker 5 Oh, no.

Speaker 4 And then they raised the thing up, and it's like dead. And then he starts butchering this thing and i was

Speaker 5 it's that was

Speaker 4 it was so fucking gross but once the skin and the guts were gone and he started cutting the steaks my mouth watered yeah that's

Speaker 5 so i didn't know

Speaker 5 i didn't know how i felt about that so i was like well wait a minute like well they do say you know like when you have the connection john was talking about this uh theodore last night he was saying that you know he's out in martha's vineyard and he's doing a lot of fishing Oh, yeah, he looked like he had a nice tan going.

Speaker 4 Everything was, he was looking very good.

Speaker 5 But he was talking about when you pull in a big fish,

Speaker 5 you know, you need to right away, you know, take care of it because you don't want it to suffer and you need to, you need to take, you got to gaff it right away.

Speaker 5 And he was saying how at first he was like, oh, kind of clutching his pearls. But then he got this relationship with that they're eating the whole, he's eating the whole fish.
He's taking it home.

Speaker 5 It's like all this that

Speaker 4 asking for it.

Speaker 5 It just wouldn't listen.

Speaker 5 He's taking the

Speaker 5 connection. You can swim around with no clothes on.

Speaker 4 You're tempting faith.

Speaker 4 Sorry, I keep interrupting.

Speaker 5 No, no, but he was just saying he had gotten this

Speaker 5 better understanding, you know. I mean, I think when you do some of that stuff, you definitely get...

Speaker 5 I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Speaker 4 Somebody took me bow fishing one time after an acting game.

Speaker 5 What a weird addition to fishing. Is it bow fishing?

Speaker 4 Bow fishing, yeah.

Speaker 5 Like what an unnecessary

Speaker 5 addition of hardness.

Speaker 4 Well, I ended up, we didn't eat any of it, so then I stopped. That's what I didn't like.
And somebody on the thing was goes, all right, let's go kill some shit.

Speaker 4 And I'm thinking in my head, but we're going to eat this stuff, right? So we were out, and I don't know, some bayou.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I don't get the trophy thing.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and the guy had the flashlight. This New Orleans guy, right? And he had a fucking flashlight.

Speaker 5 He go, rot that, rot that, rat, dot, rat, dot, rat, dr. Go on, kill it.

Speaker 4 And then, yeah, and you would, and uh.

Speaker 5 But I I don't get that trophy thing.

Speaker 5 It's good to know that I could do it.

Speaker 4 Like, I guess I could, you know, if I was in a plane crash and somehow had packed a bow and arrow and it didn't fucking

Speaker 5 snap. On through luggage,

Speaker 5 carry on.

Speaker 4 Yeah, carry on.

Speaker 4 And that I could, I could, I forget which way. I think you aim a little below it because it's the illusion of like the water.

Speaker 5 Right.

Speaker 4 But like

Speaker 4 there was that caveman thing that you felt like you did something as a man, I provided. But then once it was just this wasteful thing, I would.

Speaker 5 It's such a weird additional hardware.

Speaker 4 Well, new evidence shows that they did, in fact, do that. Do some bobo.
Yeah, they had crocs, too. Yeah.
The original crocs were made out of wood.

Speaker 5 Were made out of crocs.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and then they went one of two ways. They went wood in the Netherlands, and over here, they were plastic.

Speaker 5 Yeah, somehow. Yep.

Speaker 4 Which leads us back to the catacombs.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it does. George Carlin, he said, he had that great line.
It was like, maybe the earth wanted plastic.

Speaker 4 Do you remember this thing? Yeah, that was when he was in his dark, dark, dark, cynical years. Oh, dark.
I know, and I kind of loved it. And a lot of people were like, just look at an angry old man.

Speaker 4 It's like, no, dude, and he was right.

Speaker 5 But his attacks were so perfectly calculated, and everyone got some.

Speaker 5 And then he wrote that beautiful letter when his wife died. Then he wrote, I thought, for sure, this is going to be the darkest, most angry letter.
It was like he, you know, wrote an editorial.

Speaker 5 It was just a letter.

Speaker 5 And it was the most beautiful, eloquent, we need to love more and do this stuff,

Speaker 5 but better said than than whatever I just said.

Speaker 4 And I bet when he died, she was like, why didn't you say that when I was alive?

Speaker 5 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 5 For sure.

Speaker 4 It's really easy to love somebody after they're dead and they're not fucking annoying you anymore.

Speaker 5 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 4 Here's the shit I wished I said.

Speaker 4 Well, speaking of that, my family's,

Speaker 4 they're coming for like the final week of this thing. I'm not sure if I can do it.

Speaker 5 Has she been out to see anything yet?

Speaker 4 She's been so ridiculously supportive throughout this whole thing.

Speaker 5 Because it's been a while. It was really, really good.

Speaker 5 I know you don't like compliments, but

Speaker 5 it's fucking great.

Speaker 4 Well, with stuff that I'm not sure about, so yeah, to hear that it was.

Speaker 5 No, I was blown away. And also just,

Speaker 5 this actually plays in the catacombs too. Lately, I've been like, something camped shouldn't be too long.
You either say, man, I wish there was more, or I wish this was over.

Speaker 5 and there's nothing in between.

Speaker 5 It was such a well-timed, you know,

Speaker 5 such a big stretch, too. You got just all these guys yelling at each other up there.
It was amazing.

Speaker 5 No, people going like, oh my God,

Speaker 4 you really made this Dave Moss guy, like, you know, you really made it your own and everything. I was like, everybody I grew up with talk like that.
And I keep saying, if you actually

Speaker 5 tap into

Speaker 4 act, to have me play a fucking laid-back surfer from San Diego, then if I thought I would like that.

Speaker 4 That would be like, but you know, you want me to play some guy that's fucking wound up in saying the wrong things.

Speaker 4 But what I do like about,

Speaker 4 I do like, what I do love about it is the over talking

Speaker 4 and figuring that out with like...

Speaker 5 The timing of that. That's what blew my mind because I went and watched the movie last night after dinner again just to get even more.

Speaker 4 I can't wait to watch it again. I can't wait to watch it again.

Speaker 5 It's fucking great. You said you were talking about, you know, Jack Lemon.
Jack Lemon

Speaker 5 was so incredible.

Speaker 5 The way he's flipping into salesman mode and then coming back to it and his desperation

Speaker 5 to the daughter.

Speaker 4 The flare-ups of anger. Yeah.
Of like that thing.

Speaker 5 And a lot of it was from insecurity, too. He's like got his moment where he thinks he's on top of the world.
And then he had these, you know, other

Speaker 5 herniations of anger. He was fucking incredible.

Speaker 4 Well, and I also think, you know, what they were saying, how it used to be dark and now people, it's like are laughing watching it. I mean, we're definitely doing it.

Speaker 5 It got a lot of laughs. Well, that's a great script.

Speaker 4 But I feel like it's

Speaker 4 like gallows humor that everybody can now relate to, I put the best years of my life into your company, and now I'm finding out how expendable I am. Absolutely.
And I don't mean anything to you.

Speaker 4 And why did I, yeah, yeah, like you're throwing me out like, you know, an old yesterday's newspaper. Yeah.
Like, what did my life mean? And also to have that done to you by somebody younger

Speaker 4 is something like, you know, our whole generation, the amount of people that I know that are in their 50s that help build a major part of a company for profit and they just don't want to pay them.

Speaker 4 And now that they sort of

Speaker 4 in their 20s, they sort of have the Ferrari, you know, ready to go on the track and they just go, well, you take him out and we'll put this 20-something. And then they fuck the

Speaker 4 20-something year old person. They don't give them any money and they just, you know, keep it on the track and we'll be fine.

Speaker 4 I think that that's why it's been getting

Speaker 4 the laughs that it does. But like, I've always been envious.

Speaker 5 I was actually surprised.

Speaker 5 I mean, I laughed a bunch too, but it was so across the board, the whole audience was laughing, especially

Speaker 5 your big monologue.

Speaker 5 What is great is that you guys are talking over each other. Michael McKeon is so good

Speaker 5 and how he holds back on these beats. But the way you're trying to convince him to break into the office.
Oh, yeah. And did I say that? You know, that whole two salesmen trying to sell each other.

Speaker 4 Here's the other thing is I come out and

Speaker 4 my character says all of this, you know, racist shit right in the beginning.

Speaker 1 So the crowd

Speaker 4 doesn't like me.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 And, you know, there was some stuff that they had taken out of the play a long time ago, and now they put it back in because it was like, you know, in different periods of time, it was considered like too harsh.

Speaker 4 But I feel like there's enough time separated now that you're like, wow, this is how borish people are.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but this is who this guy is. I don't like taking of stuff out.
I don't think whitewashing it makes it any better. It's like you're supposed to dislike your character.
It does.

Speaker 5 He's the biggest dick in the room.

Speaker 4 Yes, but the thing in the beginning when I was doing it, I was sort of rushing through that a little bit because people were pulling back. And then I think I was...

Speaker 4 And when I was first doing it, there was an element of me apologizing for this guy. And then I finally figured, I was like, no, I have to be this guy.

Speaker 5 You're supposed to hate this guy,

Speaker 4 but but you're supposed to, but what I do love is those racist moments get the right laugh, right? They're like laughing at how stupid that sounds.

Speaker 4 And my favorite line that he says that really sums up white racism is when he talks about the Indians and he says they like to feel superior. And that's literally what he's doing.

Speaker 5 Yeah, he's trying to do that.

Speaker 4 He goes in as a white guy talking to these Indian people and he immediately feels, I am

Speaker 5 superior

Speaker 4 and I am automatically smarter because I am white and God thinks I am the best because this is what other white people told me and God never said that so he goes in there and these people have like their own businesses I can't trick them yeah I can't but the whole thing is I can't trick them out you can't trick them out of it out of their life savings and then my takeaway from that is not like wow these people are

Speaker 5 hardworking smart they're not smart yeah

Speaker 4 I can't trick them yeah I look at it like oh you like to feel like, look at this person thinking they're superior to me when they are.

Speaker 5 They are shit doesn't work. Yeah, when they are.

Speaker 4 So that's what, like, I had been doing that line, you know, for like a month, and I just knew, I'm like, there's something fucking more to this than I'm not. And I finally

Speaker 4 had to like think, like, why is he saying, you know, and then it's.

Speaker 5 So are you enjoying the nuance? You were talking the other day that there were times that you guys are, because you've been doing it, that

Speaker 5 you're playing it a little different for each other.

Speaker 5 Are you enjoying the nuance part of it the most?

Speaker 4 Yeah, no, when he throws it back differently, yeah, I love when he does that, or like different reactions and stuff. And that's good, too, because it makes you present.
And then also, if like,

Speaker 4 then there become you almost go into robot mode, and then all of a sudden you lifted your eyebrow up and you never did that before. Yeah, that causes a brain fart, and then I'll lose a line.

Speaker 4 Like, what the fuck just happened there? And then I'm just, I've noticed that a couple of times where

Speaker 4 I then was like, okay, this is how it works. And then I have a good performance.
So I did that for a few shows in a row. And then Michael threw the ball a little bit different.
And

Speaker 4 I almost missed it. And I was like, all right, dude, you can't do that.

Speaker 4 You got to make sure every time. So I've been using like

Speaker 4 different things to kind of motivate.

Speaker 4 you know, every night to be this upset about Mitch and Murray. I just use

Speaker 4 whatever I'm thinking about that day.

Speaker 4 Like, I relate to Mitch and Murray fucking up their good thing the way streaming services came in to Hollywood and took an already difficult business and just put it in their pocket.

Speaker 4 And then they go, you know, the business is shrinking. Yeah, into your pocket.
Yeah. Like, how much, like, it's like.

Speaker 5 Because now they own everything.

Speaker 4 Yeah, the greed. They buy it.

Speaker 5 The greed and the coldness. They're both nothing.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and the coldness of it is just.

Speaker 5 I'm staying in the music business.

Speaker 4 Like, because there was a point, like, it was always harsh.

Speaker 4 And to see that someone could come along and be like, oh,

Speaker 4 that's not harsh. Yeah.

Speaker 5 This,

Speaker 4 this is, this is fucking beyond.

Speaker 5 Like the new Satan.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so I kind of like, you know, I have the idea in my head, like

Speaker 4 when I picture those guys, because they have downstairs on the wall, they have like, you know, you know, the ideas of like who would play them if they were in the movie or whatever, if they were in the play.

Speaker 4 And for me,

Speaker 4 it has to be people I know. You know?

Speaker 5 So who do you got then? then?

Speaker 5 Well,

Speaker 4 I could tell you off air.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 So it's like people,

Speaker 5 what I would go back to then is the tip of the business.

Speaker 4 It's

Speaker 4 those people that are like, they're just in a position of power and they don't handle it well.

Speaker 4 And you just see who the fuck they are and they're sitting across from it. And what's funny to me, though,

Speaker 4 is

Speaker 4 how I maintain my composure. It's like, oh, this guy thinks he's driving the bus.
And it's just like, we're all in show business.

Speaker 4 We're all in the hood, hanging onto the hood ornament like fucking Indiana Jones. And eventually that breaks off and you go underneath.
It's like the thing that you're helping to build.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's gonna

Speaker 5 drive you over.

Speaker 4 I mean, what you can say about all of us who went to these streaming services and helped them put everything else together.

Speaker 5 Well, but we have to go somewhere.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I know, I know.

Speaker 4 We should have seen what they were doing.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but I, but, you know, again, it's almost like the recycling discussion. It's like one person is is powerless to make a big change.
You know, it's like you can't take on now.

Speaker 5 We're not. What are you specifically supposed to do? And I can't do anything about the fact the record business went to Apple and Spotify and, you know.

Speaker 4 And some nerd in Sweden.

Speaker 4 Is that billionaire still saying he's not making any money?

Speaker 5 Yeah, well, I'm sitting there on the end of my bed going, la, la.

Speaker 5 Sorry.

Speaker 5 It's like, why can't you fix the record business? And it's like, what? Law, what? Yeah, I can't.

Speaker 4 I can't do both of those things.

Speaker 5 You know, I can barely do one of these things.

Speaker 4 Don't you feel lucky, though, that you started in this business when you did?

Speaker 5 I feel like we're one of the last bands that got in the door before it shut somehow. I feel like that is.
Because

Speaker 5 we're not huge, but that's not my desire either.

Speaker 5 I don't want to be. I don't want the responsibility of being massive.
And I want to be able to pivot and make art and switch everything up. And

Speaker 5 there's always people that are like, you're so much better.

Speaker 5 but that's that's you know i expect that someone's gonna say that i get that all the time yeah but i don't worry about that i don't care i don't care i mean that's just like saying why can't you do the same thing you always did and then if you do that then it's just like he does the same fucking thing every time

Speaker 4 trick pony i i don't i don't i i none of that you know i'm i've always maintained that if 15 of the people don't hate your new thing you suck you know oh that's a good one i what i do is whenever something comes out i just read until the first negative comment and then I just do the math and be like, all right, you know, it was 10 to 15 good ones.

Speaker 4 And one guy said, you know,

Speaker 4 this guy

Speaker 5 shouldn't even be in this business anymore.

Speaker 5 I don't do any comments because I think I can presuppose

Speaker 5 what the best, the best of and the worst of, they're both

Speaker 5 wrong. You know what I mean? It's like, it's somewhere.
I kind of like the best.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah. I just stay away from it.
I, you know, because I, I, uh,

Speaker 5 um, it doesn't make me feel, it never makes me feel better, but it could make me feel worse. And so I just stay away from it.

Speaker 4 Well, I got to say, whatever you guys are doing, and I talked about this on my podcast before. I saw you guys, the last time I saw you guys was the end of your last tour, I believe.

Speaker 4 And you were at the forum in L.A. And they came down and you hooked me up.
Thank you. And

Speaker 4 I was like, okay.

Speaker 4 You know, Josh is going through it and fucking, you know, his health and everything.

Speaker 4 This is the last show there is going to be an element of people thinking about you know their flight home going to see their family there's going to be a detachment and you guys came out like just it was one of the top concerts i've ever been to to have that be the last show on the tour you guys fucking

Speaker 4 murdered thank you and um i got like such a uh i get like such a like i i don't have to watch another comedian kill to get inspired and i and that was like one of those shows that just has stayed with me.

Speaker 4 I mean, I can't keep track of time. How many years ago was that? I still

Speaker 4 think about that. It was the end of, it was around Christmas, maybe two years ago.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And,

Speaker 4 you know, but that well, yeah, I came home like, like gob smacked or whatever, if I'm using that word correctly. I just came home and I was talking to Nia, and she goes, how was that?

Speaker 4 I was just like, that might have been

Speaker 4 not only the best they ever sounded, that was one of the best concerts. I said that last night.
It was like top three, and Michael was like, What are you?

Speaker 5 What are the other two?

Speaker 4 I'm like, Stevie Ray Von,

Speaker 4 and then my first concert ever when I saw Judas Priest with Doc and Jimmy.

Speaker 5 I love that as a first concert. That's a good first concert.

Speaker 4 Yeah, oh, yeah, just because that was my like,

Speaker 5 I'm a part of it.

Speaker 4 I'm at a concert.

Speaker 4 We're doing a call-in-response, and I'm in this thing.

Speaker 5 What was my first

Speaker 5 concert was

Speaker 4 Cat and Tenniel Muskrat Love Tour.

Speaker 5 It was, it was, it was Carl Perkins and BJ Thomas who

Speaker 5 did, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl. And he also did the

Speaker 5 as long as we've got each other.

Speaker 5 Like the family ties or something themed.

Speaker 4 They come out of it. Because if you haven't seen the most beautiful girl, there was one of the saddest fucking stories.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God. Tell her I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 Tell her I need my baby.

Speaker 4 Dude, that was that. I call that all, people call it like, it used to to be called like easy listening, and then it's called yacht rock.
I call that station wagon music because

Speaker 5 it's like all those moms. Driving across the country in a station wagon.
That's totally correct.

Speaker 4 Yeah. The mom's like in some fucking loveless marriage, just 10 and 2, just looking.

Speaker 4 No, they didn't cry. They always had like that.

Speaker 5 Remember those ultra skinny can't get cancer with this?

Speaker 4 And they had the scarf.

Speaker 5 My grandma used to do the plastic filter too, like the penguin, you know? I was out, boy, this is a classy way to die just a little bit.

Speaker 4 And then you would steal the matches and light the woods on fire. Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 5 Fucking lootly.

Speaker 5 Arson. Fire.

Speaker 4 Arson was our internet.

Speaker 5 Arson was our video game.

Speaker 4 So what are some of the

Speaker 4 coming dates? And are you going to be coming through LA so I can see you guys again? Because this play is going to end up.

Speaker 5 We're going to do a catacombs tour, we've just decided. We're going to do.

Speaker 5 It's the sewer tour.

Speaker 5 We're going to be playing the sewers of... It's not the sewer.
Sorry. It's a coal mine.

Speaker 5 But we're going to be playing the sewers of Los Angeles.

Speaker 4 I'm a little tone-deaf when it comes to sewers.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I need to get more progressive.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you need to

Speaker 5 do your research. Okay.

Speaker 5 Get on the right side of history. Yeah, please.

Speaker 5 Get on the right side of the manhole.

Speaker 5 Which sounds like a great bar name. Like a West Hollywood bar, the manhole.
That would be great. That's a good name.

Speaker 4 I saw a great name for a gay bar, and it wasn't a gay bar, and I was so disappointed.

Speaker 5 What was it?

Speaker 4 The Dickens.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 5 I'm like, how is that not a gay bar? That is the greatest.

Speaker 5 Come to the Dickens for the moment.

Speaker 4 That is the greatest, silliest name ever for a gay bar.

Speaker 5 Yeah, the toolbox was one of the things.

Speaker 4 The first time I did stand-up in a gay bar, it was called Queen of Hearts. And then my buddy Patrice, rest his soul, he played a gay bar and it was called Fiddlesticks.

Speaker 5 That is fantastic. It is fantastic.
It's so good.

Speaker 4 How can you hate the gay community with that level of

Speaker 5 humor? I love that they've got this chance. You know, there was a place in the desert called the GAF, G-A-F.

Speaker 5 And I was like, or Daddy Warbucks, which sounds a bit romantic, if I'm honest.

Speaker 5 And I just thought,

Speaker 5 they have access to the greatest names of all time. And I just, I kind of admired that.

Speaker 4 Well, I didn't know it was a gay bar. I went out to go do the gig, and it was like two towns over from where I lived.
And I parked my truck broad daylight.

Speaker 4 It was the summertime, so the sun was out till like 8.39.

Speaker 5 And it was parked right out in front.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 happened to be and i yeah just happened to be there so of course i get to the gig early i had my college emerson emerson college sweatshirt on i was like 23 i looked like somebody ordered me and i came in i was like

Speaker 4 the college kids schoolgirl right and i'm sitting at the bar looking at my notes and uh some gay guy went by and said something like hey or something like that and i was like whoa what the fuck right so then karen noch was the one um who booked me and she came and she goes oh hey, you got here early.

Speaker 4 I said, yeah. And I was all fucking freaked.
I had never had a guy say anything like that to me. So I remember what I said to her.
I go, yeah,

Speaker 4 I go, that guy down there, the end of the bar, I go, he's a little happy. She goes, what?

Speaker 4 I got, go, I go, that guy down the end of the bar. I go, you know, he's a little happy.
Then she just sort of looked at me. She goes, Bill, do you know where you are?

Speaker 5 She goes, yeah.

Speaker 4 She goes, yeah. He goes, everybody in here is a little happy.
She goes, this is a gay bar. This is a happy bar.

Speaker 4 And then all of a sudden, I looked at the fucking bartender, and she had like the fucking Ellen DeGeneres haircut, and she had the tuxedo t-shirt on.

Speaker 5 Oh, I like that.

Speaker 4 And I'm like, am I the dumbest? I'm so fucking stupid.

Speaker 5 Plus, take the compliments where they come. That's what I always think.

Speaker 4 Yeah, some guy in a clan outfit.

Speaker 5 I'm that guy down there, he's a little racist.

Speaker 5 Guy's a little racist. Bill, you're at a clan rap.
Poke a hole in my

Speaker 5 poke a hole in my take-a-compliment from anywhere.

Speaker 7 I thought this was a dry cleaner.

Speaker 5 I was wondering why that cross was on fire.

Speaker 5 No,

Speaker 4 how I didn't end up in the trunk of somebody's fucking car. I was so fucking up.

Speaker 5 There's still time.

Speaker 4 There is still time.

Speaker 4 Well, any dates you want to promote that are upcoming, like this next leg of your tour?

Speaker 1 I'm so fucking in.

Speaker 4 No, come on. I mean, I'm not sure.

Speaker 5 Don't be that way.

Speaker 5 Don't be that way.

Speaker 4 All right. Well, I'm here to promote whatever.

Speaker 5 Yeah. I probably don't need to.

Speaker 4 They're probably

Speaker 5 selling like hotcakes. It's been going really well.

Speaker 5 I think, you know, because, you know, I always tried to be piggy who makes this house of brick and not straw, you know. I think.

Speaker 4 Speaking of gag bars. Yeah.

Speaker 5 I think no pants at it, porky pigging it.

Speaker 4 What if you did the three little pigs reimagined as a homophobic story and they keep building these bars and straight people that are homophobic keep knocking them down?

Speaker 5 Thanks for bringing that up. I appreciate that.

Speaker 5 We're going to do some dance.

Speaker 4 I slept with the air conditioner on last night. I can't do it.
It dries out.

Speaker 5 Right straight into your yapper. See, right against it.
Yep. Right by the hole.
Right by the manhole. This is another.

Speaker 5 I think we're going to do some dates in October and November. That's what we're looking at for the catacombs thing.

Speaker 5 And actually, this is announcing it here for the very first.

Speaker 5 I haven't said any of this before.

Speaker 4 Did you not want to say that, and I just got that out of you?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 4 You like those interview skills?

Speaker 5 Pulled that right out of me. Pulled it right out of me.
After all the piggy comments, I had no choice but to pivot.

Speaker 4 So,

Speaker 1 are you off till then?

Speaker 6 I thought you just got done with Boston.

Speaker 5 We're doing these dates, which are pretty much all sold out, and then we're going to Europe for six weeks. We're kind of doing the tour that got canceled.

Speaker 5 I've gotten to this point where it's like, if I said I was going to do something, I have to like.

Speaker 4 Yeah, because I remember how obviously bummed out you guys were that the.

Speaker 5 Oh, I can't stand it. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 4 And you called me before that tour, and you were telling me, like, I'm doing all the fucking places I want to do.

Speaker 5 And I had the kids, and we all had our families out there. And you had time, but it was like we're doing Transylvania.
We're taking six days off here.

Speaker 5 We're doing, and to have that go away, I was like, it just was so deflating. And then it was deflated for that reason.
And I was told, you know,

Speaker 5 don't plan on doing anything for two years. And I was like, oh, my God.

Speaker 5 And now it's seven months. In seven months, I was better.
I feel so much better.

Speaker 5 And so I was the first thing out of the gate was, let's do the dates that got lost.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 Plus, you know, I don't know,

Speaker 5 I've still so many friends in the desert that are, you know, roofers or painters or, you know, hardworking.

Speaker 5 And when they buy a ticket and then someone cancels, they're just like, this fucking guy with this fucking, I got this fucking ticket in it. So I'm really adamant about trying to go back.

Speaker 4 That's when you want to stay out of the comment section.

Speaker 5 Yeah, definitely. Well,

Speaker 5 no one ever understands. You know,

Speaker 5 the amount of times I've played with serious injuries and I always always thought, like, where's my trophy? Where's my cookies? No one did anything. But I still,

Speaker 5 I just, I like the chance to endure a little. It feels good.
It feels, it makes it feel important for a sec that you're overcoming this thing. Yeah, totally.
It's a little Catholic.

Speaker 4 Yeah, self-flogging.

Speaker 5 For growing up Baptists, a little Catholic.

Speaker 4 All right, well, I got to say, it meant the world to me that you and all your bandmates came out to see the show.

Speaker 4 And one of the hardest things last night was blocking out that you guys were trying to get out of the way.

Speaker 5 I know we kept showing our tits that we're trying to get you no I had to really like sort of

Speaker 4 dial in I flubbed a few things when I let my mind because I knew it was going well

Speaker 5 and I was happy with that I knew no no no it wasn't that I just I just you texted me in the middle of the show like are you fucking here well because club soda Kenny goes Josh didn't pick up his tickets because I Because I inadvertently, Kevin, bought more tickets.

Speaker 5 Seriously, I had about 12 tickets last night at that place. Oh, all right.
Well, there you go.

Speaker 4 Well, okay. Hopefully, the producers see that.

Speaker 5 You're welcome.

Speaker 4 And I can come out and tame my shrew again.

Speaker 4 All right, Josh Hami, everybody, he is out on the road making up all of those dates. He has an amazing new documentary out that you can see on

Speaker 5 Criterion Streaming. The Criterion channel.

Speaker 4 My favorite fucking channel. It's so good.
Which I didn't know was here in New York.

Speaker 5 I just was over in their closet.

Speaker 4 Dude, how smart are all the people over there?

Speaker 5 Oh, it was really calm. It was like being inside of an NPR microphone.

Speaker 5 And every poster is a bitch-in movie. I got a good

Speaker 4 movie before we wrap this up. I saw they had this film noir thing.

Speaker 4 There's a movie from 1950 called Gun Crazy. It's like a Bonnie and Clyde type of story.

Speaker 5 What's that title?

Speaker 4 Bonnie and Clyde type of story. And it's a bunch of no-name actors, but they're phenomenal.
But the camera shots in it.

Speaker 5 It looks like of that era.

Speaker 4 And then all of a sudden the camera shots happening.

Speaker 5 They're in the car.

Speaker 4 And they're in the car. and

Speaker 4 you go 20 years into the future in cinema, like, what? Who the fuck came up with this? Yeah. Like, shit, like filming above and in the car.
That would have been a nightmare then.

Speaker 5 Yeah, like, how did you do it? That was a nightmare back then. Oh, yeah.
Now they got a fucking drone. Everyone's got a drone show.

Speaker 4 They fucking, they probably hoisted some guy up on his nuts holding the thing.

Speaker 4 No OSHA, none of that stuff. All right, Josh Hammy, everybody.
It's so great to see you, man.

Speaker 4 I'm so happy that you're back out there and that you're healthy. Thank you.

Speaker 5 You look amazing.

Speaker 4 You're back to being

Speaker 4 our ginger God.

Speaker 4 He's our ginger Elvis. Josh Hami, everybody.
Thank you for listening.

Speaker 1 We'll see you.

Speaker 5 Ciao.

Speaker 5 garage.

Speaker 5 All visions of collisions fucking barn for yachts. It's all

Speaker 5 screwed

Speaker 5 from here on out.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 19th, 2017. What's going on?

Speaker 1 How you doing?

Speaker 1 How How are you? What's up? Oh, that's great. That's you're doing good.
Are you doing good? Oh, that's good.

Speaker 1 I'm doing great. I'm actually recording this on Sunday, June 18th,

Speaker 1 49 years old, my first fucking Father's Day.

Speaker 1 First Father's Day.

Speaker 1 Oh, geez, Bill, what did you do? God bless you.

Speaker 1 You're in the clubhouse fucking turn. You finally became a dad.
What did you do? I ate a great day.

Speaker 1 I ate a great day. You know, they go all out for Mother's Day.
This is brunch after brunch after this, after that. I went over to a car show over on Rodeo

Speaker 1 Drive.

Speaker 1 Rodeo Drive, right? Rodeo Boulevard. Rodeo Road.
Rodeo Drive. The fancy Schmanzi place.
Evidently, they have a Father's Day car show

Speaker 1 every Father's Day, obviously. If they're going to call it Father's Day car show,

Speaker 1 yes, they've had it every year, and of course, I never went, I was never a dad, I never even heard about the fucking thing, so I was not on the email list.

Speaker 1 You know, Billy the Kidless, as you guys called me back in the day, as of five months ago, you could still call me that.

Speaker 1 So, I was never on the email list, and god damn it, I was like, I'm going over there.

Speaker 1 So, we head over there, and you know, it's like, you know, the beautiful people, the beautiful people, and me,

Speaker 1 Oh, rich, rich ass fucking, yeah, Beverly Hills. They call it the Beverly Hills

Speaker 1 Car Show. And I got to tell you, man, it's fucking beautiful cars.
I was either going to go to the Peterson Museum or I was going to do that. And I figured I can go to the Peterson Museum anytime.

Speaker 1 This is the Father's Day one. I got to go to that one, and then I'll do the Peterson later, right? So I fucking go over there.

Speaker 1 Peterson Museum, by the way, right down next to that place. That's right where Biggie got shot.

Speaker 1 Wilshire in fucking Fairfax. So anyways, so I'm over there, Rodeo Drive.
I'm checking it out, right? There's all these rich people, you know.

Speaker 1 There's all these beautiful fucking, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know what, you know, walking around. God knows how old they are.
They're really getting good with the plastic surgery, man.

Speaker 1 They're really, really getting fucking.

Speaker 1 There was some. amazing old-looking women walking around, you know, wearing forever 21 shit that they bought at, you know, I don't know, one of those stores up and down the block, right?

Speaker 1 So we're walking around. You know, it's fucking hilarious.
Every restaurant was like closed over there. They're like, fuck the dads.
They had like five food trucks.

Speaker 1 Even over there, they're like, yeah, it's the dad. He doesn't give a shit.
Show him a couple of fucking Batmobiles.

Speaker 1 Show them the Lincoln from Entourage, which they had over there, which was fucking cool as shit. One of the great cars out there, the Lincoln Continental Suicide Doors and all that.

Speaker 1 Not a convertible guy, but you know, he worked for the show, the overhead shot, iconic shot at this point.

Speaker 1 They had the Eleanor car from Gone in 60 Seconds, but I liked, I like, oh, I always liked the weird shit.

Speaker 1 I saw like a 19, what the fuck was it, like a 1961, 62, or 63 Mercedes-Benz

Speaker 1 limousine.

Speaker 1 And out of everything that was there, there was a Tucker there, there was a fucking one of those mid-fit, like a 55

Speaker 1 Mercedes Gull Wing,

Speaker 1 you know, a bunch of Ferraris, Lamborghinis, you know, those weird years in the 70s,

Speaker 1 those ones,

Speaker 1 Adam Carolla has a lot of them. I don't mean weird like they're not good looking.
It's just like, you know,

Speaker 1 I always saw him as the racing car. And then to me,

Speaker 1 for me, I just felt it went right to Magnum P.I. And it wasn't until I did Carolla's podcast back in the day.
When I saw the Lamborghinis and Ferraris, I was just like, what are these?

Speaker 1 He was like, oh, this is this one, this is that one. From like the, like the late 67, now they're cool as shit.

Speaker 1 He was ahead of the curve. By the way,

Speaker 1 I was watching a local

Speaker 1 newscast out here, and

Speaker 1 Adam Carola is a free plug here. Adam Carolla was on,

Speaker 1 and he was promoting.

Speaker 1 He's got a documentary on the 24 Hours of Le Mans in the 1950s when Ford decided that they were going to, I guess, compete. and see what they could do over there and they came out with the 4GT.

Speaker 1 He's got this great, it's getting rave reviews. And he has another documentary that he already put out about the racing life of Paul Newman.

Speaker 1 And if you go to his website, I believe it's chassis.com, something. If you just put in Adam Carolla Le Mans, it's going to come up.

Speaker 1 And what I love is all I could find on the website was just the DVD, which is great for me as an old man.

Speaker 1 I don't like that fucking, hey, you download it and then it's in the air and somehow it's on my computer and then I dump some orange juice on the keyboard and then I don't own it anymore.

Speaker 1 I like the DVD.

Speaker 1 I'm an old man. I like the DVD.
That's like having the gold behind your money. So, had I known about this, I would have asked for both of those for Father's Day.
So,

Speaker 1 instead, I'm just going to buy them myself.

Speaker 1 So, anyways, I fucking go over there, and they got this Mercedes-Benz like 1961, 62, 63, something in the early 60s.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's a limousine. It's fucking black.
It's It's got this.

Speaker 1 I took a video. I know I always say I'm going to post it.
Then I always forget that I say I'm going to do it, but I'm going to try to remember here.

Speaker 1 It had this beautiful red interior. And

Speaker 1 it was just, I was like, that, that right there. That's what the fuck.
The older I get, as much as I enjoy driving, I don't enjoy driving in LA because the traffic is just fucking insane.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 my wife, my wife, she ubers all the time. So I'm getting used to this jumping in a car and somebody else is driving, you know, when I go out with her.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I get all this business done.

Speaker 1 Be it breaking people's balls back on some text, you know, calling back fucking Joe DeRosa or some shit. Better call Saul's Joe DeRosa for your consideration

Speaker 1 is the fucking veterinarian on that wonderful show.

Speaker 1 Turn email calls, business shit, all of that.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, you always read about these these fucking people out here, these moguls,

Speaker 1 like the Ryan Seacrests out here, they don't fucking drive. They have a drive-er.

Speaker 1 They sit in the back and they get shit done. They pull the curtain, right? And they're just back there, they got like the Janet Jackson headset on.
They're fucking firing off emails.

Speaker 1 They're buying stocks. I don't know what they're doing back there.
I'm not a mogul.

Speaker 1 It's not like they're going to tell you.

Speaker 1 Fucking tell someone I'd be a mogul, and then everybody's a mogul, and then what are you? You're just a regular guy. Next thing you know, you're stopping at a red light.

Speaker 1 You're looking over, you're like, is that Ryan Seacrest driving his own fucking car? What happened?

Speaker 1 Thought this guy had 17 fucking TV shows.

Speaker 1 Anyways,

Speaker 1 I could really get into that, to be honest with you.

Speaker 1 Who's gonna who? I'm not a mogul. I'm just fucking lazy.
And I don't know. I think there's just two types of people as they get older.
There's the person that just, you know, takes up cycling

Speaker 1 and rock climbing, and they take like a fucking glass blowing class or some shit,

Speaker 1 you know. And then there's other people being like, you know what? I fucking, I'm tired, man.
You know, I'd like to chill.

Speaker 1 If I get another 49 years or whatever, I get, you know, I'm on the back nine. Who's kidding who? 49 times two is 98.
I want to make 100. I'm staying positive.
Who's kidding who? All right.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm on the 12th hole.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who the fuck wants to drive in LA?

Speaker 1 It's fucking horrible. I would actually thoroughly enjoy it.
And I would just,

Speaker 1 if you had that kind of loot, you redo an old fucking beautiful car like that. You restore it.
You bring it back to life.

Speaker 1 And then you just in the back, you know,

Speaker 1 you got a little humidor,

Speaker 1 some fucking cigars, you know,

Speaker 1 a couple of your favorite little fucking accoutrements being the booze there.

Speaker 1 And you just fucking whatever. You just drive around.

Speaker 1 Whatever your driver's name is, you still call him James. Every fucking,

Speaker 1 every chauffeur was always named that. Wouldn't that be great? You want to go to the movies?

Speaker 1 You know, I drink too much already, man. There's no way I could handle always having a designated driver.
I'd be getting fucking stewed, going to the supermarket.

Speaker 1 Speaking of which, Billy, no fun. Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, we're seven days in. Seven fucking days in.
Last night I had a couple glasses of wine. We went out with another couple.
What am I supposed to do?

Speaker 1 Everybody, you know, I'm having an Italian meal. I'm not supposed to have a little Barolo.
Come on.

Speaker 1 Come on. What am I supposed to do? I ate a couple of those, you know, and I don't even fucking like wine.

Speaker 1 It just, it's just, it's always reminding you of the hangover it's going to give you.

Speaker 1 Turns your teeth gray.

Speaker 1 But I actually enjoyed, that's the one wine that I like. I really enjoyed it last night.
And I was actually going to order a whiskey, but

Speaker 1 I almost said the referee, the waiter forgot to come back and ask me. At that point, I was just like, fuck this.
I'm just going to stay with the wine. And then tonight,

Speaker 1 my family took me out for Father's Day and I had one whiskey. And I, oh man, I got a fucking good one, right?

Speaker 1 I got a really good 28 years old and then I went outside to return a phone call and I had set the glass down.

Speaker 1 I came back and one of my red brothers had bumped the table and said they knocked a little bit out and I didn't think there was that much. And then I looked down and there was this big puddle of it.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh fuck, that was 28 years old. I mean, in the back of my head, I was like, oh, that's good because I'm trying not to drink anyways, but it was 28 years old as shit.
Poured in a glass.

Speaker 1 I sipped it and then somebody came by, boom, hit the table, and then there was a puddle of it.

Speaker 1 Spent 20 years in a fucking barrel to be spilt on the floor and then cleaned up with a rag.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a travesty. I felt my liver crying, but it was good because then I had the perfect amount of booze and I was fine.
So,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I know you guys who are in AA, you know, collecting your little chippy poos there.
You knew it. Just walk

Speaker 1 five days sober, you know, give you a little cookie.

Speaker 1 Got you down there. There's no way, even if I was like a full-on fucking alky, like

Speaker 1 I'm in AAA of alcoholism. I never got called up to the big show.
I'm basically like Kevin Costner in Bull Durham, except I'm drinking.

Speaker 1 That would annoy me.

Speaker 1 Going to AA and they'll give me my stupid chip.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I'm supposed to be fucking chasing these things. I got too much of a contrarian in me.

Speaker 1 That's the new word for cunt, by the way. You know, know, I'm a bit of a canarian.
A canarian. A contrarian.

Speaker 1 A bit of a contrarian. Yeah, yeah.
You're difficult. You're a cunt.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 You're a fucking pain in the ass.

Speaker 1 You're the kind of guy if the fucking jet went down, you're the fucking guy. You're the guy that would get us killed.

Speaker 1 We'd all be fucking sitting there if we survived going, hey, you know, but I say we go over this ridge. Everybody agreement?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then there always be one guy, whoa, I mean, what's the thing about this ridge? Well, why don't you fucking go over there, buddy? Go get mauled by a bobcat.

Speaker 1 We'll wait for you to slowly die, and then there's our new nourishment for the rest of this fucking walk down this snowy, god-forsaken tundra.

Speaker 1 Anyways, sorry.

Speaker 1 The fuck am I talking about? Yeah, so we go to the car show, right? None of the fucking restaurants are open. Fuck the dads.
There's like food trucks. Nobody gives it.
You know what's funny though?

Speaker 1 I didn't give a shit.

Speaker 1 My wife was upset. Oh my God, why do we

Speaker 1 none of these places are open.

Speaker 1 She's like, are you all right with that? I was like, yeah, I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 You know, I really don't.

Speaker 1 I'm wired like a guy. I walked around.
I looked at some shiny cars. I'm happy.
It's hot as shit. Let's get back in the car and go home.
I'm fine. Completely fine.
Brunch, that's some you shit.

Speaker 1 Turning this whole fucking thing into a whole day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Father's Day, you leave the day. I had the perfect Father's Day.
And then

Speaker 1 I didn't even say I started my day.

Speaker 1 Well, fucking,

Speaker 1 no fun, Billy. I can wake up now, like, super early.
And

Speaker 1 I finally have a little drum space about 20 ways, a little, a little, Jesus Christ, I can't even talk.

Speaker 1 A little ways away from, like, 20 minutes away from my house, I got a little rehearsal studio, right? You can just rent them. And I got the smallest fucking one.

Speaker 1 Like, if I stretch out, I can touch the walls on all sides. And I got this little fucking

Speaker 1 little sonar kit that I bought, the martini kit, 16-inch

Speaker 1 bass drum, which cracks me up because I was playing that giant bottom one that had a 26-inch fucking bass drum.

Speaker 1 And I'm trying to, you know,

Speaker 1 just go in a completely different

Speaker 1 direction after all of these goddamn years

Speaker 1 of

Speaker 1 just fucking trying to ape everything that

Speaker 1 he did. And it just hit me one fucking day.
I told you, one day I just sat there and I said, what if this fucking guy came back to life and he came walking into my house?

Speaker 1 I keep saying this on the podcast, right? And I was just like, hey man, John Bonham, holy shit, hey, I'm a big fan of yours. Come in and look at my drum kit.

Speaker 1 And I had his exact drum kit right down to the Rogers hi-hat. He would have looked at, he would have slowly backed out of the fucking room.

Speaker 1 And what was funny is now I'm going down this whole fucking rabbit hole. You know, I'm listening to Pantera and fucking Primus and Miles Davis.
Figure that one out.

Speaker 1 Listening to all of his fucking great drummers.

Speaker 1 From Philly Joe, Tony Williams to fucking Jack Dijanet. Just listening to these fucking geniuses.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 trying to get something else in my fucking head.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 through reading up on Tony Williams, I went down this fucking rabbit hole full of, I don't know how many hours on the internet, just trying to, all these tracks I was listening to and trying to see if I could.

Speaker 1 There's so many tracks where Tony is just killing it live and

Speaker 1 they just won't show them. It's so fucking annoying.
They're always showing Miles or Coltrain or fucking, not Coltrain, he didn't play with Coltrain, Miles or fucking,

Speaker 1 was it Shorter that he played with? I don't know who. They're always showing those guys.

Speaker 1 It's like if everybody else stops playing, they'll finally fucking show him. It's annoying.

Speaker 1 But, you know, typical, they never show the drummer. That's why I love the romantics when I was a kid.
And what I like about you came out and I finally got the

Speaker 1 drummer was singing. If the drummer sang, then they would be on him.

Speaker 1 Hotel California with Don Henley, you'd see the drummer the whole fucking time.

Speaker 1 Other than that, you were shit out of luck.

Speaker 1 So anyways, I ended up.

Speaker 1 When you read about Tony, that leads to Billy Cobbham, which leads to fucking eventually,

Speaker 1 you know, I don't know, Vinny Carlyuta and Steve Smith and all these fucking guys. And then they start talking about the guys they listen to, and then you go back around again.
It's amazing.

Speaker 1 So I ended up finding this quote that really made me

Speaker 1 feel good about getting rid of the drum kit that I did. Because sometimes I think, oh, oh, man, I always wanted that kit, and I finally fucking had it.

Speaker 1 And then I just always think, yeah, and you sat down and played it and you sounded like you. So, and it was too fucking big for you.
And you have all these other ideas. Why don't you go pursue those?

Speaker 1 And I just stumbled on this quote by Vinny Carliuta, right? That actually transcends playing drums. You can apply this to anything.
He says,

Speaker 1 this is when he was trying to find his own style. He said, I went through periods where I tried to imitate Tony and Billy.
That's Tony Williams and Billy Cobham.

Speaker 1 He goes, but I eventually realized how dangerous it was,

Speaker 1 basically trying to imitate those guys. I goes, I began to ask myself, what am I saying?

Speaker 1 I wasn't saying anything. It had been said before and had a reason for being said, but I didn't have a reason.
I wasn't making a statement. I was just repeating it like a parrot.

Speaker 1 By imitating and copying someone else, a person becomes a parrot. I saw the trap and I knew as great as those guys were and still are that I had to find my own voice.

Speaker 1 And I was like, god damn it, look at that. That applies to stand-up comedy.
That applies to fucking washing cars.

Speaker 1 Do you want to be one of the greats? You know, how many times can you watch Mr. Miyagi do the wax on, wax off before you're going to fucking break out of that? Come up with a new way to do it, right?

Speaker 1 I don't know what the fuck to tell you. I'm just happy.
So now I got this place. So I wake up now because,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 the way my daughter sleeps, she sleeps in these four-hour chunks. So she finally falls asleep, you know,

Speaker 1 around two in the morning after she slept from like, you know, eight to twelve. Then she'll be like up for like an hour and a half or some shit.
And then she sleeps till like seven.

Speaker 1 My wife feeds her and and then she goes back to sleep again until 10. So that window right there from 7 to 10, now I've just been jumping in the car, drive 20 minutes down the street.
Nobody's up.

Speaker 1 There's no musicians over at that place. You know, they're just getting done doing blow.
They're going home, you know.

Speaker 1 I'm there at like 8 in the fucking morning and I get to play for like a nice solid hour having the time of my fucking life. I don't know why I didn't do this.
for myself years ago.

Speaker 1 I never dawned on me to do it. I was always trying to play him in the fucking house and trying to find quiet ways to do it.
Because who's kidding who?

Speaker 1 Drums are fucking annoying unless you're the person playing them.

Speaker 1 So I finally got this place and I'm beyond psych. So

Speaker 1 we'll see. We'll see what this little kid leaves me.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I don't know. Whatever.
I'm just saying it was a great Father's Day.

Speaker 1 So I went out tonight and then got a nice frame picture of me holding my beautiful daughter and I could not be having my arms around her anymore. And she looks content as hell.

Speaker 1 It was an instant classic. I'm kissing her on the cheek, and I got it framed.
I'm looking at it right now, sitting on my desk. I'm fucking psyched.
So,

Speaker 1 happy Father's Day. Father's Day to all the fathers out there.

Speaker 1 You know, and if you used to play drums, you want to play them again? Go get one of those, get that fucking, that Quest Love little breakbeat set.

Speaker 1 Go find some fucking studio space.

Speaker 1 Cost you like $125, $200 a month. Who gives a a fuck?

Speaker 1 You know, go get it and go down there, bring your fucking, you know, or find a studio space. Like, you know, where I used to play?

Speaker 1 I never used to say that because I didn't want anybody to bug me down there.

Speaker 1 The best place that I found out here in LA, if you don't have time to get a drum kit and all that shit, but if you just want to go play someplace, is Cascade Studios.

Speaker 1 Down on Santa Monica Ave, just east of Highland. It's the shit.
It's fucking clean. The drum kits are great.
And it was the first class place. And I went to a bunch of places.

Speaker 1 That was the best place that I found. So free plug there.
And speaking of that, speaking of that, oh, by the way, everybody keeps telling me to watch the fucking Lakers Celtics

Speaker 1 documentary thing that they got on ESPN. So I have to check that out.

Speaker 1 But before I do that,

Speaker 1 before I do that, I fucking fucked up the goddamn podcast. Not podcast, I fucked up the

Speaker 1 password.

Speaker 1 i hate how complex these things have to be now you know i and you know you know i hate when you fucking put a nice easy one in and then they just say to you like oh yeah that's not uh that's not good enough that's not fucking good enough it's like well why don't i determine that

Speaker 1 why are you acting like i'm in the pentagon i don't give a fuck you know what i mean

Speaker 1 um oh you know what's hilarious too now that i got out i'm out of my bonham phase um I still played to some Zeppelin today. I'm not going to lie to you when I was over there.
But

Speaker 1 somebody showed me his fucking, remember that car and the song remains the same? That crazy-looking,

Speaker 1 I don't know who made it, Ford or some shit that he had that all that crazy paintings and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 You know, you always wonder what happened to that shit. Somebody bought it and then somebody else bought it, and now it's up for sale.
It's like 250 fucking grand.

Speaker 1 You know who's gonna buy that thing? I'm

Speaker 1 Jim Ursa of the Colts.

Speaker 1 I think that guy's gonna end up having

Speaker 1 like the equivalent of Jay Leno's car collection. He's gonna have that with musical artifacts.
I mean, the guy's getting to the point where he can kind of fuck with the rock and roll Hall of Fame.

Speaker 1 He's got like a Prince guitar, he's got Jerry Garcia's guitar. If you had John Bonham's car,

Speaker 1 I mean, that really adds to the collection. Then you put your fucking

Speaker 1 Prince's guitars and all this Charlie Parker's saxophone, whatever the fuck else that guy owns, in the back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, some hookers come over, he starts doing blow, whatever the fuck it is. He does it.
I mean, it could be a good time. No?

Speaker 1 Anyways,

Speaker 1 let's read some advertising here. Earth thank.
Fucking Christ, that's over.

Speaker 1 Over?

Speaker 1 All right. So, anyways,

Speaker 1 I really fucking overextended myself

Speaker 1 this month. I said yes to way too much shit.

Speaker 1 And for July, my answer is going to be no.

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck what anybody asks me, no.

Speaker 1 Hey, Billy, no.

Speaker 1 I'm not doing it. I'm not fucking doing it.

Speaker 1 I'm on the road again.

Speaker 1 I'm doing the roast of David Ortiz

Speaker 1 this week, Thursday. And, you know, I got to figure out how to, I don't do that.
Hey, I'm not saying this guy waka walka, but this boopa boopa, yada, yada, yada. You know, those fucking roast jokes?

Speaker 1 For some reason, the format of roast jokes is still from like the 1950s. I don't understand why that is.
I have to figure out how to do this shit.

Speaker 1 So-and-so is here. You know, last time I saw a head like that, it had a fucking wagga, wiggle, walk-a-wow.

Speaker 1 You know, they still use that, except the young guys now, they all say AIDS and cunt and fucking, it's just so over the top.

Speaker 1 You know, 9-11, it's always like, I got to figure out how the fuck to do this, and I only have four days to do it. And, of course, I'm busy as shit.

Speaker 1 So I don't know what to do here. So, but this is the last thing.
If I just get past this, which I will.

Speaker 1 Either by doing a good job, a mediocre job, or eating my fucking balls on it.

Speaker 1 The bottom line is it's over, you know, it's a 12-minute spot. I just have to get, if I get past this fucking roast, the rest of I'm gonna, the rest of my year, it's downhill.

Speaker 1 Billy, no fun is saying no to everything.

Speaker 1 What do you want? When is it? Nah, I can't make it. Nope, can't do it.
No, no, no, no, not gonna do it. It'd be like that fucking buzzard

Speaker 1 way back.

Speaker 1 Remember that bashful buzzard

Speaker 1 on Bugs Bunny? No, no, not gonna do it. That's gonna be me.
I have to start fucking doing that because,

Speaker 1 yeah, it's not good. It's just too much shit.
And I am, I'm, and now with the kid, I'm fucking,

Speaker 1 I'm exhausted. It's 9.22 at night, and I was ready for bed two fucking hours ago.
It's just my... cutie pie doesn't fall asleep till about nine.

Speaker 1 And you know what's great about no booze? You sleep like a fucking baby. I mean, booze will put you to sleep, but the next morning you wake up and you're just like, you know,

Speaker 1 you wake up, you feel like you should be tied to a chair, you know, and there's some guy just waiting for you to come around to continue interrogating you by punching you in the head.

Speaker 1 And then you realize like, no, I punched myself in the head. with all those fucking drinks.

Speaker 1 So I'm actually really enjoying it, despite the fact I drank the last two nights. I had one tonight, and half of it spilt on the fucking ground.
All right?

Speaker 1 Don't fucking judge me. All right.
I decide. I'm in my own AA.
Okay. I still earned a chip today.

Speaker 1 I just feel like for me, having my own AA is a good thing. Speaking of for me.

Speaker 1 And reality show stars, you're not going to fucking believe who I think

Speaker 1 was at that car show today.

Speaker 1 We're walking around, we're looking at this fucking, this two-door Cadillac that I swear to God was like, it was like two town cars put together.

Speaker 1 Incredible fucking car.

Speaker 1 Gigantic. Oh my god, I saw this one Jaguar.
You know the one that had the early, that one they had in the 60s with the long fucking hood?

Speaker 1 Not the one from the 50s that Sinatra had, that one.

Speaker 1 The James Bond era one. You know the one.
And like the hatchback opened like a fucking regular door.

Speaker 1 This guy's showing it off, right? He's got the back door open and then the hood opens like the reverse way, you know, from the windshield out. Looks cool as shit.
And then I look in there.

Speaker 1 He's got like some

Speaker 1 small block Chevy engine in there.

Speaker 1 You know, I don't know. That's what you want to fucking do.
I don't know why you would do that.

Speaker 1 Anyways, I

Speaker 1 so we're walking around looking at those cars and all of a sudden Nia's, there's these people on, like, you know, they're giving out awards to cars and shit.

Speaker 1 And there's Nia's listening to this person on the microphone going,

Speaker 1 I think that's Caitlin Jenner.

Speaker 1 I think Caitlin Jenner's here. And I was like, no fucking way.
I got to go see, I got to go see KA, right? I got to go see.

Speaker 1 And by the time we got there, I'm not even sure if it was, but like Nia said that Bruce,

Speaker 1 it gets confusing.

Speaker 1 She said she's really into cars.

Speaker 1 So I got confused saying, all right, was he not into it? And then,

Speaker 1 can that happen? Do your hobbies change?

Speaker 1 Then I knew what she was saying. It's like, no, he was into them.
He's always been into them.

Speaker 1 And now he's become Caitlin.

Speaker 1 I almost said transferred.

Speaker 1 What's the fucking word you're supposed to say?

Speaker 1 Transitioned.

Speaker 1 Helicopter November 153, Sierra Hotel on with You. Information Bravo requesting fucking transition through.

Speaker 1 Transition

Speaker 1 to,

Speaker 1 you know, being Caitlin, but the hobbies stay the same.

Speaker 1 There you go. Who would have known that? I would think you'd take up some other hobbies,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 Maybe you wouldn't.

Speaker 1 I got to look this up.

Speaker 1 I got to look this up. This is fucking weird.
Because I know you take hormones and stuff, right? So does that make you into other shit?

Speaker 1 It's funny. It's fascinating.
You know, and you know what's funny is they're going to keep doing the same way they're doing the plastic surgery.

Speaker 1 It's going to keep looking better and better and better. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Same way, you know, everything keeps getting better and better and better, except for the fucking environment, you know?

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco. It ain't right.
Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 3 Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way, I did a fucking benefit the other night and Flea was in the crowd. I can't fucking believe I didn't give him a shout out for giving a shit about bees.

Speaker 1 That was one of the few positive things I saw about the environment last year was that flea somehow got it, you know, fleas up, the fucking bees are dying off.

Speaker 1 And flea shows up like a goddamn hero and he gets into this beekeeping stuff. He's got the whole suit and everything.
I saw this whole article on it.

Speaker 1 And he's hooking up like it looked like there was like 10,000 of them hanging out in his backyard. You know?

Speaker 1 You know what's funny is that's one of those things your neighbors would be annoyed at because they don't understand photosynthesis.

Speaker 1 I don't know where that fucking word came from, but I literally, I think I

Speaker 1 think I used it correctly. Isn't that when the bees go from flower to flower and stuff gets on their cute little feet, you know?

Speaker 1 Their cute little bee feet, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And then they pollinate shit inadvertently.

Speaker 1 They're out there running errands for the queen, right? The queen bee.

Speaker 1 the fuck was I talking about? Oh, I gotta look this shit up.

Speaker 1 When you

Speaker 1 transition

Speaker 1 to your hobbies

Speaker 1 change, what fucking list am I gonna get put on looking this shit up?

Speaker 1 Oh, come on, man. Don't do this to me.
Come on, internet. Come on, internet.
Huh? Can you fucking work for once in your life, you fucking cunt?

Speaker 1 Can you believe someone who can't even get internet in his whole house is talking about having a chauffeur I mean how fucking first world cunty is that habit change is easy when people move into your house four strategies to change your habits

Speaker 1 was that not specific enough

Speaker 1 I this has to I have to be wrong

Speaker 1 you transition

Speaker 1 to a woman

Speaker 1 Do your hobbies change

Speaker 1 13 ways to master the transition from college to the real world. Habit change is easier.
How to successfully transition your diet, nerd fitness, health in your 40s. Ah, you know what?

Speaker 1 I searched it twice, I guess. So Bruce was into it.
Now Bruce is Caitlin. Caitlin's like, you know, good on you, Bruce.
Way to get those fucking cars because I'm still digging them.

Speaker 1 That's fucking amazing. You know, I hope someone I know fucking transitions.
I just want want to see that whole goddamn thing, you know?

Speaker 1 Something's got it. Something, it's got to be something.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Does your preference a color change? If you're taking hormones, like you're fucking with like the chemicals, right?

Speaker 1 Isn't it fucking amazing how I just refuse to read about shit and I just continue to ask questions while answering them? This is how I come to conclusions.

Speaker 1 And then I can somehow legally get on stage with the microphone and do a fucking fucking podcast.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine how many people who used to be men and are now women are just slapping their female forehead, their transition forehead right now, listening to me as I'm talking to them.

Speaker 1 I apologize to anybody out there transitioning. I don't fuck them.
Why would I think that?

Speaker 1 Because she said she's really into cars.

Speaker 1 It doesn't take a lot to trip me up. That's all I'm saying.
All right. Let's read some shit here, right? Mute math and Colbert.

Speaker 1 Hey, Billy, boom, bap.

Speaker 1 but boom boom bap um thanks for putting me onto mute math

Speaker 1 uh oh my god they're amazing fucking incredible band they got a brand new album out whatever you kids say they got some brand new that you can download through the air man

Speaker 1 capture it on your device share it with your friends man

Speaker 1 This guy says, I've seen the name before, but never listened, and they are all caps fucking dope.

Speaker 1 Uh, just bought a ticket to see them on their tour in September, dude. You are not going to be disappointed.

Speaker 1 They are fucking as good as their band, their albums are, they are fucking incredible live, fucking incredible band.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 and then he said to me, told me to check out these bands. It says, check out Big Data and Portugal.

Speaker 1 I don't understand this next sentence. It says, The man,

Speaker 1 comma, I think you might dig them. Is the man also a band? I'll look it up.

Speaker 1 All right, if my internet hasn't shut down after that last stupid fucking search, keep drumming and make Stephen, keep drumming and making Stephen Colbert uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 Oh, I did the Stephen Colbert show last Thursday, aired Friday. I wasn't making him uncomfortable.
He enjoyed it. I had a great time with him.

Speaker 1 He's a, I met him briefly one time at some benefit, but he's a really good dude. It was fucking amazing to go back and do that show because that's where Letterman used to tape.

Speaker 1 And it's still fucking ice cold in there. It's still roughly like the same setup.

Speaker 1 And it's just weird because Colbert's desk is over where the band is.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I talked to him, you know, during the break. I go, wow,

Speaker 1 this is crazy being over here.

Speaker 1 You know, I did stand up on Letterman like four or five times.

Speaker 1 And this is where I always look over. And Felicia and Paul Schaefer, Anton Fagel, the whole band was over there.
And now the desk is here. And he said that

Speaker 1 he asked Letterman where he should put the desk. And Letterman said on the right side, saying that he always wanted to sit over there, but Johnny sat over there.

Speaker 1 So, out of respect, he sat on the other side. That's how much

Speaker 1 you know, the level of respect. That was just an amazing story.
The level of respect that Letterman had for Carson. And why wouldn't you? The guy's the king of it all.

Speaker 1 But Letterman was the Carson of my generation. All right, Phelps versus the Shark.

Speaker 1 Bill, I just listened to your

Speaker 1 Monday morning, your Thursday afternoon, just before Monday podcast, and enjoyed your rant about the upcoming fight between McGregor and Mayweather.

Speaker 1 It wasn't a rant.

Speaker 1 It wasn't a rant. I just was discussing the fucking subject.

Speaker 1 If I was screaming and yelling, ranting and raving, that is a fucking rant. You know, I'm going to look up rant.
I'm probably wrong.

Speaker 1 It's wrong about, you know, if you transition, your fucking habits change. Why the fuck would I be wrong about this? Rant.

Speaker 1 Definition. Come on.
Oh, somehow I go to rant now. What the fuck is that? No, rant.

Speaker 1 You cunt. Come on.

Speaker 1 Definition.

Speaker 1 Okay, rant. Definition.

Speaker 1 Speak or shout at length in a wild, impassioned way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she was still ranting on the,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think this just goes back to me being from Massachusetts and my ideas of

Speaker 1 yelling and fucking being out of control are just different than everybody else's. But you want to say I ranted finally.
Fine, whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just,

Speaker 1 you know what I fucking hate most about that McGregor-Mayweather fight? Aside from the fact that McGregor is only going to be allowed to box.

Speaker 1 I mean, that guy's a fucking Swiss Army knife of death and they're only letting him take out the spoon, you know?

Speaker 1 You know what fucking annoys the shit out of me about that fight? Is I know I'm going to order it.

Speaker 1 I know I'm going to order it. How do you lay off that? Once I found out it's only going to be $100, I thought it was going to be like $200.
I thought they were both making $100 million.

Speaker 1 I guess Mayweather makes $100 million. McGregor makes $20 million for whatever fucking reason.

Speaker 1 How fucked up is that?

Speaker 1 I think the guy that isn't, you know, if they were doing

Speaker 1 the fact that McGregor isn't allowed to do what the fuck you know he could do, which is put Mayweather right on his back and the thing would be over in 30 fucking seconds,

Speaker 1 he should be getting 100 million.

Speaker 1 This is a walk in the park for Mayweather. This is his fucking strength.

Speaker 1 And if it went the other way, if McGregor was allowed to use all of his fucking fighting skills, then Mayweather should get the 100 million. This is classic Mayweather.
This guy's a fucking genius.

Speaker 1 He's getting it entirely his way, and he's making $80 million more than this other fucking guy.

Speaker 1 Anyways, he goes, did you see that Michael Phelps is going to race a great white shark for some Discovery Channel thing? I fucking refused. That's a joke, right? That has to be a joke.

Speaker 1 Do I have to look this up? I thought you might like that one.

Speaker 1 That is fucking ridiculous.

Speaker 1 All right, I got to look it up.

Speaker 1 Dude, even if the shark was full, I mean, this is like the Mayweather fucking McGregor fight. This is what he does.

Speaker 1 I mean, Phelps swims, but he also does other shit. He goes to restaurants, you know what I mean? He hits a bong every once in a while.
What the fuck does a shark do? That's all it does.

Speaker 1 There's no fucking way. There's no Phelps.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, it can't. No.

Speaker 1 Phelps versus Shark.

Speaker 1 This can't be fucking real.

Speaker 1 Michael Phelps

Speaker 1 to race against a great white shark in shark weeks. Phelps versus Shark.

Speaker 1 Jesus, whatever happened to just being on the fucking Wheaties Bucks.

Speaker 1 You're not making enough money doing that. Michael Phelps isn't done swimming yet.

Speaker 1 The The

Speaker 1 23-time Olympic gold medals. This guy has 23

Speaker 1 gold fights. You know what? This guy wants to race a shit.
Yeah, of course he does. He's done with human beings.

Speaker 1 I think a shark is a good tune-up fight when you're going into the ocean. I think this is, I don't know who put this together.
Maybe it was Mayweather.

Speaker 1 He's saying he always picks the perfect fucking opponent.

Speaker 1 You go in there against a great white shark, you know what I mean? They're not known for their speed, are they?

Speaker 1 It's always dolphins zipping around. It's always the shit that they have to fucking catch that's

Speaker 1 fast, right? Than the slowest thing gets caught.

Speaker 1 All right, 23-time Olympic gold medalist will compete in the most adrenaline-filled race yet when he swims against a great white shark for this Discovery Channel Shark Week.

Speaker 1 All right, so how do I handicap this?

Speaker 1 Are they starting in the water or is the shark got to get up on that fucking block too and wait for the whistle. Oh, we got a false start.

Speaker 1 We got a false start.

Speaker 1 We're having difficulty explaining to the shark what the fucking whistle is. He's just so freaked out that he's out of his natural atmosphere here.

Speaker 1 In Phelps vs. Shark,

Speaker 1 great gold versus great white is what they're calling this. The retired athlete will take on the ocean's most efficient predator

Speaker 1 in a competition of speed.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, can you imagine? Is Nike putting out the swim goggles for the fucking shark?

Speaker 1 All right, and I guess Phelps tweeted something. I was able to do something that I'd always wanted to do, be in a cage and dive with great white sharks.

Speaker 1 Wait, is he married? He's got a kid now. Good for him.
First birthday party.

Speaker 1 Hey, happy Father's Day to him.

Speaker 1 What kind of a dad? He's got a, you know what? He's got all that gold, you know? You know what's funny? The dollar, the entire U.S. economy could collapse, and he's going to be fine.

Speaker 1 He's got 23 gold medals. You just melt those fucking thing down.
You make little nickel-sized coins. That guy's eating subs for the rest of his fucking life.

Speaker 1 Phelps, Great White Race isn't the only Shark Week special he'll be appearing in. The father of one will also join.
I don't give a fuck about what he's doing.

Speaker 1 Together, the trio will dispel myths and misconceptions and teach Phelps the proper way to get up close and personal with hammerheads and great whites.

Speaker 1 Okay. You know what's funny about fucking the Discovery Channel?

Speaker 1 After all these years of being the champions, the absolute champions of misinformation about sharks, you'd always watch their things on the sharks.

Speaker 1 You'd always watch these things on the sharks

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 while you watch the program they'd always say all this you know these things are being hunted down they're misunderstood blah blah blah but when you watch the fucking advertising for that week shark week it was always they it was like another jaws movie was coming out

Speaker 1 it was really bad so now i guess they're finally feeling guilty or maybe some younger people came in on the discovery channel and they're finally done uh

Speaker 1 I don't know, shitting on sharks. So the way they think, they're going to be in a fucking saltwater pool?

Speaker 1 If they're in a pool, I like Phelps for the simple fact that I have a feeling that the shark's gonna go out of its lane and be disqualified.

Speaker 1 And at the very least, the shark can't do that little somersault flip at the end of the fucking pool.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, this is what the world of sport is becoming.

Speaker 1 I don't know, back in the day, I used to have those fucking fat, bald guys, strongmen. They were always bald, right? Something about lifting weights back in the day.

Speaker 1 You know, you went bald and they would always be pulling trains with their teeth and shit

Speaker 1 all right first time listening hey bill first time listening to your podcast my husband and i came to la for the rose bowl last year and saw your stand-up we love it thank you thanks for taking so much thanks so much for take talking in detail about jazz and sports i think this show this I think this shows a lot of respect for your audience.

Speaker 1 We like cool shit. Obviously, we like to stand up.
Don't be afraid to go into technical details about whatever. It's interesting.
Anywho, happy podcasting. Well, all right.

Speaker 1 There's two people that are enjoying it.

Speaker 1 I think I talked about it a little bit.

Speaker 1 I downloaded all of this fucking Miles Davis shit. I am like, I was a huge Miles Davis fan like

Speaker 1 in the early 90s. And my favorite album was In a Silent Way.

Speaker 1 And I read his autobiography. I got like fucking, I mean, I had all his shit on like cassette tapes.

Speaker 1 I even got like On the Corner, which he talks about in his book, how when Herbie Hancock came out with Chameleon, like that's what he was trying to do, that Headhunters album.

Speaker 1 But, you know, he's blamed the record label saying that, you know, they fucked up the promotion of it.

Speaker 1 But I got into all of that shit. And then

Speaker 1 I moved to New York and I stopped playing drums because,

Speaker 1 you know, I was living in a walk-through fucking bedroom apartment and I just drums are too goddamn loud and I didn't play for like five six years

Speaker 1 and then I started back up again so I started in 88 and I've been

Speaker 1 I with like a five-year break in there so I've been playing about 19 years is that what it is I don't know what the fuck it is but

Speaker 1 anyways Dave Brubeck jazz stuff here we go more drum shit dear Billy backbeat not the exact era you were asking for, but Dave Brubeck's band experimented with some crazy time signatures starting in the early 60s.

Speaker 1 Look for the album, The Dave Brubeck Quartet at Carnegie Hall. I bought it when I was a music major in college, and it was a borderline spiritual experience.
It's got songs in 11-4,

Speaker 1 aptly named 11-4.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, 11-4. Now, how the fuck does that work out? 11-4.
So you just count.

Speaker 1 That's when you count that, just up to 11.

Speaker 1 All right, so that's just basically, it's like playing three bars of four, and then you just play one bar of three, four, and you just lop off that last beat, right?

Speaker 1 Five, four, take five,

Speaker 1 nine, eight, blue, rondo, a la turque.

Speaker 1 Not only are the songs great, but the audio quality is impressive for the time period. Every once in a while, you can even hear Dave or another member of the band blurt out a cool, jazzy

Speaker 1 during during a solo. It really immerses you in the time period and culture.
All right, you know what? This is a classic.

Speaker 1 I'm going to download this and listen to this with really nice headphones in the dark.

Speaker 1 You probably wish that I, you know, did some drugs. If you listen to it, check out the track Castilian Drums at the four-minute mark.

Speaker 1 There's a drum solo where he turns the snare off and does some really cool and creative stuff with his hands and it sticks on the snares.

Speaker 1 If you look at Joe Morello's shit where he's playing with his hands and stuff and then watch John Bonham playing with his fucking hands.

Speaker 1 I'm sure Morello wasn't the first or the only guy to do it, but there's just a couple things where he's hitting with the back of his hand and shit, and you see Bonham do that.

Speaker 1 But then there's also like

Speaker 1 YouTube and all that shit did not exist when Bonham was coming up. So

Speaker 1 he was over in England.

Speaker 1 The odds of him checking that out and actually seeing it is so fucking, I don't know how people

Speaker 1 were able to.

Speaker 1 You definitely listened to everything you could,

Speaker 1 but to actually get to watch all the, I mean, it was fucking insane. When something came on the TV, you just fucking sat there and watched it.
There was no hit and pause.

Speaker 1 There's no, oh, there's going to be a rerun. If you missed it, you fucking missed it.

Speaker 1 Anyways, this guy says, thanks, and go fuck yourself with that shiny new hi-hat stand. Jesus Christ.
All right, join in the army.

Speaker 1 Hey, Nia, if you want to come in, there's a question for you.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Grab a mic.

Speaker 1 Bring in the tyke and grab a mic.

Speaker 1 Bring in the tyke

Speaker 1 and grab a mic.

Speaker 4 La la la la la.

Speaker 1 Get your ass in here and do the podcast. Bye-bye.

Speaker 1 Where are you?

Speaker 1 Oh, you're coming.

Speaker 1 It's hot as hell in here.

Speaker 1 Why don't you open a window? Why don't open a window? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Okay, can you, uh, can you, there's a microphone over there. Can you

Speaker 1 in the closeted area?

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus, she's uh

Speaker 1 she's hey cutie.

Speaker 1 Well, I can't do a podcast and hold a kid at the same time. Jesus Christ, what am I multitasking? Hey, buddy.

Speaker 1 What am I looking for? A mic up on top of the fucking fucking thing there.

Speaker 1 On top of the thing straight ahead.

Speaker 1 She's got it. Please don't tip over my computer.
Don't tip it over.

Speaker 1 All right, this is perilous here. I'm holding her, and there's a computer here.

Speaker 1 She's going to knock it over. She's going to knock it over.

Speaker 1 What's up, cutie pie?

Speaker 1 What's up, cutie? All right, plug it in there.

Speaker 1 Plug it in. Plug it in, plug it in, and here we go, ladies and gentlemen, coming back to the podcast.
I don't need to put the screen on it. You don't need to put a windscreen on it.

Speaker 1 You have the window open. Can you grab your beautiful daughter here, please?

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 1 I know, I know, I know, I know. All right, here's a question for you.

Speaker 1 How did you pull the map up? All right, here's your question.

Speaker 1 All right, you ready? Ready?

Speaker 1 Dancing wedding.

Speaker 1 Okay. Hey there, Billy Back Freckle.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend girlfriend and myself are attending a wedding for our good friends, two gay fellas.

Speaker 1 This is a very progressive podcast, by the way.

Speaker 1 That you're doing? Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, because I already brought up Caitlin Jenner and I learned something.
Today, you kind of freaked me out when you said, like, oh, she's really into cars.

Speaker 1 Why did I freak you out?

Speaker 1 Because, no, I had to do the math in my head. I was like, was Bruce not into cars?

Speaker 1 So then I was like, no, wait, I remember reading Sports Illustrated. He had Porsches and he was a pilot and all that shit, right? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Does his pilot's license, it must transfer over. Do you got to change the name? How fuck? How crazy is that? Then you got to go down there and be like, listen, I'm this guy.
Now I'm...

Speaker 1 I'm sure

Speaker 1 everyone knows who Caitlin Jenner is.

Speaker 1 All right, so if you're not famous, but if you're not famous.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you're not famous, you probably got to do got some Spadina to do.

Speaker 1 I am going to, you know, I'm going to get you for Mother's Day next year a speaking into a mic class.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 All right. So here it is.

Speaker 1 By the way, so I Googled it. When you transition, do your habits change?

Speaker 1 And nothing came up. So I guess it doesn't.

Speaker 1 Okay. What's the question? You wouldn't think one little thing would be kind of like, oh, shit, now I'm into this.
Have you taken like hormones and stuff? Like, wouldn't something change?

Speaker 1 Your favorite color would change? I don't think so. It doesn't affect your brain.
All right.

Speaker 1 Why aren't you allowed to ask questions about this shit? Is it me? Like, oh, my God, what are you, a fucking Trump supporter?

Speaker 1 I'm really excited to go to this wedding, he's saying, okay? These two gay guys are getting married. Right.
Two gay fellas, as he says.

Speaker 1 I'm really excited to go, minus the fact that they are dancing fools. Could they be more stereotypical? My girl and that whole group will be dancing the night away.
Well, it's a wedding, yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you not want to do this? No, I'm just trying to,

Speaker 1 I should wait to hear the question fully. Please proceed.

Speaker 1 Okay, you seem annoyed at any point you need to walk out and i'm fine with you okay he says me for me he says me for me for me i just feel he says me i'm not a dancer perhaps i shouldn't assume but i'm assuming that you're no dancer yourself evidently he has not seen daddy's home right

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 i'm the worst i'm your standard pasty white guy who doesn't really dance i don't like it i don't really understand it it's just i don't understand it just seems goofy to me i totally line line up with this guy.

Speaker 1 I have an appreciation for it. You're angry.
You danced at the wedding, though. You danced at our wedding all night long.
Yeah, I was drunk.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend has expressed her dislike with my opinion of dancing after a couple of drinks, going as far as to tell me it's a real disappointment

Speaker 1 that I don't enjoy dancing. Oh, I love how honest she is.
You know, it's a real disappointment.

Speaker 1 In our four years together. I love you, but I'm really disappointed.
Really disappointed. And I completely don't respect the fact that you don't like something that I like.

Speaker 1 Hey, Nia, do you like hockey?

Speaker 1 You know what I do? Oh, could you just play alone? Oh, no, I don't. Oh, that's a real disappointment.
Oh.

Speaker 1 In our four years together, we've never really had any sort of arguments other than that one. Jesus Christ, that's the only thing you argue about? How often do you? You're very lucky.

Speaker 1 How often do you guys go to? Marry this girl. He goes, I don't try and guilt her into doing something she doesn't like.
So I get a little hot-blooded when she does it to me.

Speaker 1 Hot-blooded, can't you see? You'll be dancing to that one. Hot-blooded, was it? I got a fever.
Got a fever of 103.

Speaker 1 Come on, baby. Do you do more than dance? Right? That's another white guy.
Doesn't want to dance. Do you do more than dance? Can we get out of here? Mm-hmm.
So we can, yeah.

Speaker 1 Invent herpes. Well, what do you think? What do you think, old Ruby Pewby?

Speaker 1 Ruby Pew's Day

Speaker 1 I don't stand my ground in what

Speaker 1 do I stand my ground in what will most definitely become a disagreement when I don't go flail around like the non-dancing whitey that I am or do I sack up and do my best to voltage from pulp fiction and go attempt to cut some rug even though I'll be miserable the whole time best to you

Speaker 1 your little one and and season two of F is for Family has been great Thanks for the content and go F yourself. All right, all right, all right.
So, um,

Speaker 1 what do you say? Well, as I snarkerly said earlier, it's a wedding. So, obviously, there's going to be dancing, whether they're gay guys or straight-like, everybody dances at weddings.

Speaker 1 That's not, I don't know how he expects, like, why would he think that there wouldn't be dancing? Maybe that's not the point. It had nothing to do with the gay guys.

Speaker 1 He was just saying, he just doesn't want to, he just doesn't want to dance. No, I can't dance.

Speaker 1 I can't talk.

Speaker 1 Only thing about me is the way that I walk.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Listen,

Speaker 1 girls that like to dance like guys that like to dance with them. That's just how it is.
Is that the name of a new reality show?

Speaker 1 If you don't go in there and do the YMCA and the electric slide, you can at least do a couple of slow dances. How about that? Can you call? Hi.
Meet me outside. How about that?

Speaker 1 No, it's cash me outside. Catch me outside.
How about that?

Speaker 1 Maybe that can be the compromise. Listen, I'm not going to go up there.
YMCA and

Speaker 1 celebrate good stuff.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 This is not a karaoke. What's another class?

Speaker 1 None of those things we have. Daily beloved.

Speaker 1 Prince. Did we have Prince at our wedding? I don't know.
Let's stay focused. Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 I think the compromise, sir,

Speaker 1 is that you should give your lady a couple of slow dances.

Speaker 1 And also, also, wait a minute. It's one night.
It's not going to kill you to get up there and like be goofy with her.

Speaker 1 No one's watching you because I feel like there's a little bit of you that's like, you don't like to dance because you feel like you can't dance. Nobody's looking at you.
Nobody's judging you.

Speaker 1 It's one night out of your life. Just be silly, have fun with it, and definitely slow dance with her.
She'll really appreciate it. This is one of those times where

Speaker 1 even though you don't like doing something, you do it for the person that you love. This is what, this is my suggestion.
But you're not going out dancing every single Saturday. Would you?

Speaker 1 But for the wedding,

Speaker 1 you should. I'm a little distracted, so I'm sorry.
I can't put my mouth like, you know, you want me to blow the damn

Speaker 1 microphone. No, I just want you to speak into it.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 Is this what I? Am I speaking into the microphone? Is that okay? Don't do that if you're blowing the thing up.

Speaker 1 I just, this is what he should do. He should go

Speaker 1 there

Speaker 1 and have five quick drinks. Five? Five.
Get fucking hammered and then just go out there and then just

Speaker 1 that's it. You black out drunk.
I don't think that's a good idea. Swap around like a fish out of water.
Yeah. And then the next day, I don't agree.

Speaker 1 When you're hungover and you're laying there and she's giving you looks, you just look at her in your best clean Eastwood voice. And you just be like, it was your idea.

Speaker 1 You want me to dance? These are the rules. I would would just tell them, I say, listen, I'm going to dance my ass off that night, okay?

Speaker 1 And I want you to know how stupid I'm going to feel. I'm doing this for you.
However, these are the rules. You line up five shots.
I'm doing those.

Speaker 1 Like Mr. Blonde going through that bank.
Bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Speaker 1 If you had made me go out on the fucking dance floor. I don't think he should be.
Is that a good Mr. Blonde? That was all right.
I don't think he should be five shots wasted. Three.
I think he should.

Speaker 1 Would you accept three? I would take two and see how it goes. Oh, you're the worst.
Three. Give him three.
This is a major anxiety. Nia, think of all the stuff you don't like to do.
Right, exactly.

Speaker 1 Okay. But I'm just saying, well, how about this? Can he at least give her a slow dance? How about that? Before he gets wasted, can he just give her a slow dance? Because we love slow dances.

Speaker 1 They don't start with the slow dance. I know.
You go out there and it's like immediately like

Speaker 1 get down on it. Yeah.
Get down on it.

Speaker 1 I'm just burning. I've been doing a neutron dance.

Speaker 1 Someone stole my brand new Chevrolet.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 At that point, you gotta be like, you gotta be like fucking,

Speaker 1 you gotta be, you gotta be five shots in. It's one night out of your life.

Speaker 1 Do it because you love her. Just one night.
And say,

Speaker 1 This is my dancing for the year.

Speaker 1 I love you.

Speaker 1 Monite.

Speaker 1 He's got to be shit-faced. Can you just let the guy get drunk?

Speaker 1 Nia, I don't say this a lot. I don't say this a lot.
This is a white thing. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 We don't dance.

Speaker 1 White people dance all the time. Fred of stare?

Speaker 1 We either do it professionally or we just don't do it.

Speaker 1 We're either one of those people on Dancing with the the Stars, or that's it. I don't know.

Speaker 1 All right, here's another one for you. Girl at Jiu-Jitsu.
Hey, Billy Bullock's brother.

Speaker 1 So my dilemma is I'm 18, and I've just, oh my, it's hot as friggin' hell in here. Why don't you turn the AC on? Because what am I supposed to? I'll hit pause.
Hang on.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm back. Here we go.
So my dilemma is I'm 18 and I've just finished the first, my first year of college a few months ago, and I've been hitting the gym. Good for you, as much as possible.

Speaker 1 Good for you. And I've been going to jiu-jitsu.
You're crushing it for the past couple of months.

Speaker 1 Anyway, first day going there, I noticed a girl in the beginner's class with me and thought she was hot. And she's doing jiu-jitsu.

Speaker 1 This is nothing but great stuff so far.

Speaker 1 So after a couple of weeks, I work up the nerve to talk to her. Good for you.
Turns out I went to school with their younger brother. Something in common.
This is like all rainbows right now.

Speaker 1 And I was also the youngest in my year, so I think she might be 19 or 20.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, this is just all ACEs.

Speaker 1 Why does my computer screen keep shutting down? I don't know anyway after train. I don't know.
Anyway, after training yesterday, I asked her, I asked for her Snapchat.

Speaker 1 Is that the way millennials ask for digits now? I never even said digits. I'd be like, what's your number?

Speaker 1 Can I call you?

Speaker 1 You like my Z Cavaricis?

Speaker 1 Daisy Buchanan's dude. It's a meat market.
Try not to curse in front of her, even though I've already done it 50 times here.

Speaker 1 I don't know what any, I don't know, anyway, it's a trend, blah, blah, blah. And she gave it to me.

Speaker 1 And after I asked her for it, I felt like a weight had been lifted because I've never really talked to that many girls, let alone get their Snapchat or whatever. Good for you.

Speaker 1 Because I'm incredibly reluctant and a bit scared to talk to them. Yeah, pathetic, I know, but I think this girl is girlfriend material.
That's not pathetic. Not just a fuck one-time bitch.

Speaker 1 That was pathetic. Yeah, he really just made a left turn there.
That statement was pathetic. He kind of built himself up as the oh, shucks guy.
Yeah, and then he turned it around into.

Speaker 1 Now he's a lady killer. Yeah, what? No, I know what it is.
What? He's afraid of love.

Speaker 1 Whatever. No, no, geez.
See what you just did? You just turned her off. All right, I think I'm solo on this one.

Speaker 1 So, Billy Boy, what should I do? How should I go about this? How should I text her? Any advice would be appreciated. Love the podcast.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't mind hearing from the lovely Nia's input, too, if possible.

Speaker 1 Would love for you. Can you just let a guy be a guy?

Speaker 1 Nia, that's the equivalent of you guys being like, well, what does he do for a living? How much does he make?

Speaker 1 What size house could I get when I kick him off? Oh, is that the equivalent, Bill? Yes. Equivalent.
Equivalent, as in.

Speaker 1 Nobody talks like that, at least not in my circle. Oh, sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm like, God, for me, I feel I need a 20-bedroom house.

Speaker 1 However, your friends talk. Would love for you to play a gig in Ireland sometime.
Thanks and go F yourself. Dude, I played a gig.
I played three last year.

Speaker 1 I went from Dublin up to Belfast and out to Galway. I had an eyesoci triangle of freckled fuckos I performed to out there.

Speaker 1 Are you trying to be a badass with this whole not a one-time bitch fuck type of thing?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 what was that? What was that little statement he threw in there? Because that did really turn me off.

Speaker 1 why do you keep latching on to that this guy has all kinds of great qualities he's 18 he's he's he's one year into college okay he's hitting the gym he's taking jiu-jitsu he saw a beautiful woman he was smitten by her and he's nervous okay he losed he used it's locker room talk i just don't understand why he

Speaker 1 i just don't understand

Speaker 1 why he has to be like categorizing girls that he doesn't even know and so this is like the kind of bitch you just fuck once. And this is girlfriend material.
Go fuck yourself.

Speaker 1 How about you're neither? How about you're not going to get laid? And you're an asshole that won't have a girlfriend. How about that? How does that feel? Meet me outside.
How about that?

Speaker 1 It's catch me outside. Catch me outside.
How about that?

Speaker 1 You guys do the same thing.

Speaker 1 We're not talking about what you guys do and what everybody else does. I'm talking about this person that wrote in this question.
Okay?

Speaker 1 That's not what this conversation is about. What everybody else does.

Speaker 1 I want her to feel my passion. Him.
Okay.

Speaker 1 No, her. Oh, her.
Oh. Oh, her.

Speaker 1 I'm not, yeah, we're not discussing what women do versus what men do. We're talking about this particular person

Speaker 1 who is like, oh, good for you. You got her Snapchat.
Also, like, Snapchat. Grow a pair and get her number if you're really trying to like come with it.

Speaker 1 Like, don't be lurking on her Snapchat so you can like jerk off to her like little selfie pics. I'm annoyed with this person.
I'm sorry. I just, you know what? I'm jealous of this person.

Speaker 1 You know what, son? He's 18 and he's working out. He's in the gym.
I don't appreciate that little line that you threw in. So he's not married and his wife isn't

Speaker 1 freaking out type of way about it. So, um,

Speaker 1 all right, here's my advice. What was this question? Here's my advice.
What was what he said? You know something, Nia. I swear to God, if you were a pitcher right now, I'm coming out.

Speaker 1 And before I even get to the mound, I'm taking you out of the game. I don't even know what that means.
It means you got way too emotional. You've lost your control.
And you're going to kill somebody.

Speaker 1 hit the showers tell she's girlfriend material not just a one-time you know a bitch you fuck once this guy cannot run in from the bullpen quick enough you've completely lost your composure hit the showers on this one

Speaker 1 all right

Speaker 1 how do you know what kind of person she is oh boy Because you decided because you've projected what you want your fantasy to because she's not a real person to you right? She's not a real person.

Speaker 1 She's just someone you saw doing jiu-jitsu, and it's like, oh my god, this is like my dream girl, not like those other girls that you just like toss to the side.

Speaker 1 You don't even know her, you don't even care to know her. You got her Snapchat, her Snapchat.
Really?

Speaker 1 Throw a pair, ask for the number, or stay the fuck away. Don't be lurking online like some kind of creep.

Speaker 1 What is this person's name? He's from Ireland, Colin.

Speaker 1 Nia

Speaker 1 don't Seamus

Speaker 1 Seamus O'Neery

Speaker 1 No Seamus this guy has no Seamus sorry sorry Patrick

Speaker 1 listen yes

Speaker 1 Don't you didn't you guys have like

Speaker 1 this guy's husband material

Speaker 1 Yes, well, all right then so why don't you relax? All right.

Speaker 1 Good lord.

Speaker 1 I did get, I really got hot there. You got grumpy.
All right.

Speaker 1 Fine. Yes.

Speaker 1 There are definitely guys that you're like, this guy you would not want to be in relationship. This is a guy that you just like bang out a few times and don't ever see again.
Yes, that's true.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Bang out a few times.

Speaker 1 No, you're right. You're right.
Women do the same thing. It's 100% true.
It just took you 20 minutes to get there. I don't know.
It just bugged me. Of course, bugged me.

Speaker 1 But I'm being a hypocrite because I've certainly had those feelings towards certain guys. So exactly.

Speaker 1 And it's about time women start fucking admitting that instead of acting like the world owes you a round of drinks. Now, here's a man.
He's found, he's smitten with this girl. He's afraid, you know.

Speaker 1 So he just needs your tooth coming in there, huh? Yes.

Speaker 1 Well, this is what I would say.

Speaker 1 How should you go about this? You're going to have to do something that's probably difficult at your age. And I hate when older people say this, but you got to figure out a way to be yourself.

Speaker 1 You just got to walk. You've said enough, dear.
I think you've said enough. I'm sorry, Shane.
I'm sorry I yelled at you. I think you've said enough here.

Speaker 1 I think you dumped a whole bunch of other stuff from other days. Was it something I did? I don't know, but this guy did not deserve that.
This is an 18-year-old. He just became a man.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 I overreacted a little bit. He's a college.
He's going to college. He's going to want to defend his family back fucking each, right?

Speaker 1 With his jujitsu? I'm just saying, if you were my son, I'd be like, can you not?

Speaker 1 Can you get off it, Nia? All right, I'm off it. Yeah, you're a hypocrite.
You're a hypocrite. But what I love about you is you admit what a pig you are like the rest of us.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. Can you give the kids some advice here?

Speaker 1 What was the question? He got our Snapchat and he's nervous. He actually likes this woman.
What does he do? He should just be himself. Just be listen, I gotta admit, like,

Speaker 1 I saw you across the room. I had one of those little meaty heart attacks.
I really like you. I'd like to take you out.

Speaker 1 You got to go on a stage. Just ask it.
Yeah, you don't have to sit there and brood in the corner.

Speaker 1 There's no reason to, what you do is you, you, you fake with those ones, you're just going to bang. Someone you actually like, you got to be honest with them, or else it's not going to work.

Speaker 1 So just, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, this little one is getting a little fussy. I don't want to go.
Okay, Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 I think you both need a nap.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. I'm sorry about that.
That's all right. Hey, we all get damned.
Whatever his name is.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 My bad. Yeah.
Well, you know, his name is Vinny.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Dancing at the wedding, I already did that. Girl at Jiu-Jitsu, I already did that.
Did I answer all the questions? Oh, joining the army. Joining the army.
Yes, you can sail the seven seas in the Army.

Speaker 1 You can eat some mushy peas in the army. Okay, joining the Army.
Dear William, no fun. I'll skip all the ass kissing since you

Speaker 1 blow through on your reads anyways. All right.
I'm a 34-year-old married guy, former Navy vet,

Speaker 1 who's sick of feeling like a shitbag. I want to do something with my life and feel like making a difference.

Speaker 1 I've kicked around the idea of going back into the military for a while now, and it's shit or get off the pot time.

Speaker 1 Wow, you want to go back into the military at 34, okay?

Speaker 1 I brought this up to my wife in the past, and all she can say is, you're married, and changes the subject.

Speaker 1 Some backstory on us. We've been together for seven years and married five-ish.

Speaker 1 We've had our ups and downs like any couple, but I get sick of being treated like a child when it comes to my own life.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I'm just about at the cutoff age, cut off age-wise to go down the path I want in life. I want to be a combat medic.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, dude.

Speaker 1 Good Lord, man. I mean, how much excitement do you need in your life? You already served and you want to go back.
This guy's a friggin' hero here.

Speaker 1 He said, I'm a determined man who cares about my family and my family and my country. I've done my research and I have the time to join, do the medic training, go to RASP,

Speaker 1 Ranger Assessment Program.

Speaker 1 You going to become an Army Ranger at 34?

Speaker 1 Do you guys ever watch that documentary on Netflix about

Speaker 1 just to see if you're worthy of

Speaker 1 going through like the week-long of 10 days or 14 days of hell?

Speaker 1 Only thing I remember was they had this giant like telephone pole that you and 10 other guys had to hold up and do curls with it or some shit.

Speaker 1 And as people quit, the rest of you had to hold the thing up.

Speaker 1 I mean, I was screaming in pain watching it.

Speaker 1 And if you puked in the pit, you had to get your puke out of the pit.

Speaker 1 It was just like

Speaker 1 just that beginning thing was more obstacles than I've ever faced in my entire life.

Speaker 1 You are a driven man. You're a special kind of person, man.
If you could, that's special forces, right? He says, then special operations, combat, medic training.

Speaker 1 My question is, Bill, what do I do here? Do I risk losing her or stay here and resent her?

Speaker 1 I don't want to do either, but I also can't continue to work myself to death as a construction worker, making someone else rich at the cost of my health and happiness.

Speaker 1 Dude, if you want to be a combat medic and you're fucking putting drywall in, I mean, that's got to be torturing you. He said, I've worked seven twelves for six months,

Speaker 1 seven days a week, 12 hours a day for six goddamn months, trying to save money to go to nursing school. And she tells me she booked us on a cruise.
She spent that money on a cruise?

Speaker 1 Oh boy. I don't know what to do, and I need your help.
Thanks in advance for your advice, and thanks for the

Speaker 1 mediocre job on Efforts for Family. Go fuck yourself.
All right, here's the deal, dude.

Speaker 1 What's going on in your relationship

Speaker 1 is a critical lack of communication.

Speaker 1 Okay? You're telling her what you want to do. She's just saying you're married, changes the subject.

Speaker 1 You saved up all that money to go to nursing school, and either she didn't realize that that was what it was for and booked you on a cruise,

Speaker 1 or

Speaker 1 she's one of the most selfish people on the planet, which I don't think you would have brought that up.

Speaker 1 So I think what's going on here is you're one of these, you're this guy's guy, John Wayne type. And like most of them, you know,

Speaker 1 people like that, you ask you how you're doing, and you just say, fine.

Speaker 1 All right. What you need to do is you got to open up.
You got to sit down. You got to say, listen, we got to talk.

Speaker 1 And you have to sit down and tell her what you want to do. Tell her how you feel at work.

Speaker 1 And you have to communicate and start there and work your way

Speaker 1 to the Ranger assessment program. That's what you have to do.

Speaker 1 Because other than that,

Speaker 1 you have a major blowout

Speaker 1 argument on the horizon. And her catchphrase is going to be, where is all of this coming from?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 If you're one of those guys that does stuff the right way, there's a problem

Speaker 1 you can run into where you have this expectation that everybody else should also do things the right way, and when they don't, then you get fucking pissed.

Speaker 1 And it's all of it builds it as complete like I lead by example and all that shit. You got to learn how to communicate.
So, yeah, I would sit down with her and I would talk to her.

Speaker 1 All right, and good luck with that.

Speaker 1 Those are amazing friggin' goals. I just want to learn how to play Tommy the Cat.

Speaker 1 That's what I want to do.

Speaker 1 Anyways,

Speaker 1 that's the podcast, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it.

Speaker 1 By the way,

Speaker 1 I have a number of friends on that show. I'm dying up here.

Speaker 1 And they're telling me that as good as the pilot was, it just keeps getting better and better and better. And there's a zillion shows out there, so they really need people to watch.

Speaker 1 The book was fucking incredible. I know Jim Carrey's name's attached to it, so I know it's going to be great.
I'm going to watch episode two right now, Al Madrigal, the great Al Madrigal,

Speaker 1 who I

Speaker 1 do the All Things Comedy Podcast Network with, and is just a friend in general. He's killing it on there.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I hope you guys watch the show because I'm really,

Speaker 1 I'm really enjoying it. I'm enjoying the family bankeys.
All right, so what do I got to do here? Is there anything else I need to fucking

Speaker 1 anything else that I need to hype here?

Speaker 1 Should I give a shout out

Speaker 1 to anything? I already gave a shout-out to Flea

Speaker 1 for saving the bees.

Speaker 1 I wonder if enough people fucking did that.

Speaker 1 You know, I still can't believe that I pulled photosynthesis out of my ish. I don't know where I came up with that one.

Speaker 1 All right, that's it, everybody. Check out I'm Dying Up here.

Speaker 1 And I'll check in on you on

Speaker 1 what is it?

Speaker 1 Thursday? Is that what it is?

Speaker 1 Is that what it is? Oh, Andrew Santino's on it. Here we go.
Eric Griffin. I'm going to get everybody.
John Daly, fucking hilarious.

Speaker 1 Who else? Who else? Scroll in. Rick Overton.
Rick Overton. Man, him back in the day.
Speaking of Neutron Dance, was actually in Beverly Hills Cup. Don Myra is fucking hilarious on it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to watch that right now. That's what I'm doing after I upload this podcast.
All right, everybody. I hope all the dads out there had a wonderful Father's Day.

Speaker 1 It It was an incredible day for me to finally get texts and tweets from people. Wish me a happy Father's Day.
It meant a lot to me. Thank you so much.
That is it. I will check in on you.

Speaker 1 Check in on you. There we go.
We'll check it in on Thursday. All right, bye-bye.

Speaker 1 it's all

Speaker 1 smooth and sail

Speaker 1 from here on us

Speaker 1 from the north to

Speaker 1 the dance that we're scary enough.

Speaker 1 God only knows what lovely case.

Speaker 1 If reason is priceless, there's no reason to pay for it.

Speaker 1 So reason is

Speaker 1 so hard to find.

Speaker 1 Make them out to the molehill.

Speaker 1 It's the molehill.

Speaker 1 I hypnotize you in the

Speaker 1 fire.

Speaker 1 I blow my load over the stance, quote, here we go.

Speaker 1 A little bit long, shallow, but I'll dance.

Speaker 1 I'm risking it always,

Speaker 1 no. Second chance is going

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 up from here alright.