Birthday Billy, Current Events, Keeping Calm | Monday Morning Podcast 6-9-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 9th,

2025.

What's going on?

How are you?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Billy, under the weather.

A day before my birthday.

Can you believe it, guys?

It's just like, why does this stuff always happen to me?

Oh, my God.

How am I going to blow out the fucking candles?

Feeling all thick.

I'll have to have someone come out and blow them out for me.

That'll be all dramatic.

I would blow out the candles, but I don't want to get everyone sick.

Oh, it's okay, Bill.

No, it isn't.

It isn't okay.

Turning 57 years old tomorrow.

The big 5-7.

Now, this is a year that, you know, a lot of people don't realize how exciting it is to be 57.

You know what I mean?

Bum knee, swollen prostate, blurry vision.

You know what I mean?

All you fucking guys crossfitting, that is nothing compared to being 57 and opening up your eyes and, you know,

not being able to see across the room.

Ah, Jesus Christ.

Sorry, I had to pause there.

Just hacking it up.

Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody.

Poor baby.

Nia's in town.

This podcast is going to be short because my gorgeous wife is in town.

Hi, everybody.

Yeah, let's have a little seat here, Nia.

Okay.

Let's sit down

All right, Nia.

Well,

I would like to do a podcast with you, but I don't want to get you sick,

Billy Drama.

We're not doing a podcast today.

We're not doing a full podcast.

Yeah, I was the one who was supposed to say that.

I was supposed to be the one that fucking said that, because then all the racist people who don't like the fact that we're together will be like, oh, I told you she makes all the fucking decisions.

You know, she actually writes all his material.

He has to run it by her to make sure sure everything's fine.

Oh, this is so sad.

My favorite thing is when I've been promoting Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, my favorite troll.

I love this guy.

He keeps writing, this man's fall off will be studied for generations.

Oh my god, they've written on my page, too.

What a fucking loser.

No, but my favorite thing about that is generations from now, they're going to be...

Generations.

No, they're going to be graphing my shit jokes.

Like, what happened to this guy?

Approximately 2024 spilling into 25 is when the fall off really really started to happen i know come on you guys it's just all those racist idiots just be happy that bill's happy isn't that hard is it that hard don't speak on my happiness i am happy i am happy i'm just i i wish i don't know what happened how i got uh

i just been uh ran myself a little ragged there My mom just texted me and said our daughter isn't feeling well.

Oh, well.

I'm surrounded.

You're surrounded.

Well, no, no, no.

I feel like all I need is a little ginger and lemon.

I got a show tonight, Nia.

Yes, sir.

How can I sing?

One flew over the fucking cuckoo's nest tonight.

No.

The musical.

No, how can I sing?

Was it

somewhere over the rainbow?

Was what I was trying to say.

One flew over the cuckoo's nest.

Somewhere.

No, I'm not there.

Somewhere over the rainbow.

Lover.

Somewhere.

There you go.

A very pensive Bill Burr took the stage as

Glenn Gary's Annie.

This is a mashup.

That's how I got the gig.

They combined Glenn Gary with Annie.

Right.

That's what it was.

Second act you become Daddy Warbucks.

Hey, I got to retell this story because I told it to you.

This was a classic New York moment and why I'm enjoying being in this city.

Aside from the fact that my lovely wife is here and this is the greatest thing ever.

I go to my favorite coffee shop.

I'm like, hey, ladies.

They're like, hi, old guy.

The usual.

I'm like, you got it, toots, right?

I'm grandfather then.

I can still call young women toots.

So everybody's inside, right?

So I go outside.

It's raining a little bit.

That's probably how I caught this fucking cold.

I don't like drinking coffee inside.

I like being outside.

Like, remember those old grape nuts commercials?

There was always that good-looking white guy in the impossibly white bathrobe out on his treehouse back porch

looking at a bear, bear looking at him.

You know, bear's like, hey, man, normally I would fuck with you, but you're eating grape nuts, so I'm just gonna keep it moving, right?

You got that fiber running through you.

You got that fiber running through you.

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They're perfect for those days

when nothing's going right and you just need to hit the reset button on your crap mood.

Yeah, trick your brain into acting like

you appreciate that extra nickel of per quarter they just gave you.

That makes these different.

What makes these different, sorry, is how they've paired THC with other cannaboids with herbs and

you're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere else for that matter.

They have gummies for literally every immune support, menopause, relief, PMS symptoms, mental clarity, and sexual

arousal.

And each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

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And this grizzly bear wants no part of it, right?

So I'm sitting outside and I'm drinking my coffee.

Oh, no, it wasn't raining that day.

It was actually nice out, and I was just sitting and I was enjoying it, watching the people go by.

There's this older black dude that comes by every single day at the same time, like dressed to the nines, like two-toned shoes, the whole fucking thing.

Um, the kind of old man you want to be where you still care about fashion, you know what I mean?

Still looking cool.

And anyway, I'm sitting there, and this car pulls up.

This Asian dude gets out with this other guy, and the fuck, the guy is like screaming into the phone.

Don't do it.

Why?

Don't.

Why?

Don't do that part.

Why?

He was screaming really loud in the phone.

He was screaming.

He was.

He was.

Why are you killing the joke?

It was funny.

He goes like this.

I'm telling you.

He was in the phone.

He was speaking his language.

I don't know what was, but he was going like, Ming, ying, yao, you have it,

fucking super loud, like some real stressful shit was happening.

I don't know what I was thinking.

And I was, was really quiet till he got there.

So without even thinking, I just went, buddy, buddy, buddy.

And then in perfect English, he goes, oh, I'm sorry.

And then he took like, he walked like three feet over and then goes, ming, ying, yow.

And I just laughed at myself, going, you know, at least he made an effort, you know.

But then I was, because I've been learning French,

you know, and listening to shit like I do what you do where you're looking at body language.

And I kind of figured out the whole scenario.

I was like, this guy was remodeling something,

a unit or something in this fucking building right next door to the coffee shop.

Something was wrong.

He was the money behind it.

He had his project manager with him.

So he was fucking yelling at this guy.

It didn't seem like a today problem.

It sounded like in three days that fucking sub-zero fridge better fucking be here.

You determined all that because you've been taking french on an app on your phone the way he was the pro yes no no no not the app just i've been watching movies and all of that i've been trying not to watch the subtitles okay so i was able to figure out yeah he was he was running he wasn't the project manager he was the money his project manager was standing there project manager told him something and he goes what the fuck you know it's gonna push that's what i think was going on right but it was just funny to me that he was yelling like right there when i said he went oh i'm sorry super polite and then walked like three feet over and then started yelling again.

And also, because he did that, how quickly he did it, and how not far away he moved from me, I was able to understand the importance of the conversation that he was having.

Sure.

See, look at that.

You were all worried about my fucking impression.

So there we go, Nia.

What's the next joke that I'm going to do?

And you're going to be like, I literally just said, I literally just said, you don't do my material in your life.

He's like, you're right.

You're right.

Unbelievable, Nia.

Oh, my God.

I think they understand

why I cautioned you.

And

in this particular instance.

Oh, do they?

Now you're speaking for my listeners.

Your ego is out of hand.

You know what, Nia?

This podcast will be listened to for generations.

Studied for generations.

Studied for generation as to why.

That's my favorite fucking.

This is it.

See?

See?

She just did it.

Well, my favorite.

What I love about it is that he's trying to trash me, but he's making me ridiculously more important than I would ever be.

That

my falloff would be studied for generations, like I led a nation into ruin.

Well, you're definitely going to be studied for generations.

I agree with that.

Like, they're going to do, like, after you've gone, they're going to do some sort of like documentary about you.

They're going to talk about your impact.

I 100% believe that to be true.

I just, no, that's not going to happen.

You don't think so?

No.

I think so.

I think there's more interesting things that are going on.

I think what they're going to be studying right now is how the fuck this idiot became president and is sending the National Guard in to fucking pull these families apart.

Horrible.

Absolutely horrible.

Fucking ridiculous.

And this is my fucking thing.

These fucking billionaires keep fooling my people, Whitey, that these people that have no money, can't even vote, are the reason why you can't afford a house.

And then meanwhile, it's like I'm a billionaire and you're going to work for me for full-time for a whole fucking month and you're not going to be able to make your rent.

But the problem is undocumented immigrants who don't make any fucking money.

Right.

They're taking the American dream for you, not me,

who can run a failing fucking company and still give himself a fucking eight-figure bonus at the end of the year.

Like all of those CEOs.

Like that fucking guy.

I always give that example.

That guy, he signs on with Starbucks.

And one of his first moves is he gives himself a $125 million signing bonus.

And his fucking employees don't even have dental insurance.

Wow.

It's like, how do you, yeah, they do it all the fucking time.

And it's a bunch of white guys.

It's a bunch of white guys.

But for

the first time,

you are at the heart of the matter.

They are.

We are.

You are at the heart of the matter.

Yes.

It all circles back to a bunch of white guys if you really break it down.

Yes, it does.

But what you're seeing is, and it's not because white people are inherently evil.

What you're seeing is human beings with unchecked power.

This is what happens.

Around the globe, if you get anybody, whoever the fuck they are, remember that fucking broad over there in the Philippines or something had unchecked power and all of a sudden she had like 40 million pairs of shoes.

And Melda Marcos?

She was completely out of control.

Out of control.

Out of control.

When are you going to wrap this up so we can go get brunch?

Pesto and your omelet.

Maybe what am I going to wrap this up?

Nia, this is what.

You do this to yourself.

I told Nia before I got on this, I said, I'm just going to do a 15-minute podcast today because I want to hang out with you.

And then what do you do?

You come on here and you make both announcements going, he's not going to fucking do a long podcast.

And then you go, when are you going to wrap this up?

I'm trying to defend you for these fucking trolls and all you're doing is digging the hole deeper.

Oh, fuck.

What is wrong with you?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

You're fucking.

I'm so happy to be here with you.

I only have three more weeks, dude.

I only have three more weeks and then we're back together.

Yes.

Huh?

The

most fun couple that ever fucking rode across the fucking prairie of a relationship.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah, there you go.

Perfect.

All right, Nia.

Why don't you go get yourself dolled up?

You know, put on something that will impress me.

Okay.

Oh, yes.

Jesus.

Oh, ho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming at you.

That's the only musical I know.

Because I auditioned for it in the fifth grade and I didn't get it.

You guys should see how handsome Bill looked last night when we went to the Tony's after the oh Jesus Christ.

I look like I sold cell phones.

Why was I

my Star Search shirt?

You look great.

You look really good.

Coming up next.

Anyway, what else did I want to talk about?

Oh, yeah, and there was a couple of

shows closed this week.

Othello's Done.

I never got to see that.

I blew it.

I know.

Good night and good luck.

I did see that.

Shout out to Alana Glazia.

She did Broadway.

She's so awesome.

The chick from Broad City.

The Broad from City.

The Broad from Broad City did Broadway.

So So what's on your agenda today, Nia?

Well,

I was thinking.

Interesting.

We'll be right back.

No, what is it?

No, I was thinking we'd go out to eat and we can walk around.

But I don't know.

Your voice, well, my voice sounds crazy too, but we were out till like 2 a.m.

But we can go get something to eat.

But you do have a show tonight, so I don't want to do too much.

I feel like we need to

maybe try to take a nap or something like that, you know?

Because it's

going to be okay tomorrow.

First of all, don't tell me what I need.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

I am in tune with.

Who's that?

Rachel sent me that video.

That guy said,

not dating anyone, not finding people, being able to find a mate that's on your level.

He goes, text me single and I'll help you out.

Comment single, yeah.

Yeah.

And it's like, what?

Based on what?

Why would I just based on what?

Based on the fact he wants to go out and go fuck a bunch of single women.

I don't know.

I think that was for guys.

I think he was probably like, you know, gonna try to sell them some e-book on how to do it.

Oh, that's the money.

That's the money part of it.

And then it slides into the manosphere and it becomes like that shit.

Well, I don't know what you just said, but

I'm sure.

You don't know what the manosphere is?

Listen, I have an aviation degree in the private pilot sector.

It's definitely not that.

And yeah.

I remember the tropopause.

I remember the stratosphere.

I don't remember the manosphere.

You know what?

The manosphere would be like, I I have a pilot's license and et cetera, et cetera.

Therefore, like, women should want to be with me.

And if they don't, they're a bunch of cunt bitches and all they want is a bunch of Chads.

It's like incel, Andrew Tate, like, loser guys on the list.

Oh, I can't land the P.

I can't land the P, so it's their fault.

Yes, it is.

Yeah.

And all these Chads, like, they just want a bunch of Chads, these dumb.

Well, let me ask you this.

Hey, wait a second.

You're here.

You have a vagina.

I sure do.

All right.

Let me ask you this.

Why don't you get, why don't you, let's see if

you can penetrate the manosphere.

Gladly.

Why don't you give, maybe there's an incel listening right now.

Before he goes down the road of becoming a mass shooter because he doesn't know how to get laid, and then it becomes everybody else's fault that's out there fucking having a good time.

How does he make the step toward

actual human contact with something he's sort of attracted to?

Say hello, listen, and pay attention to body language and vibes.

And if it's not like a, oh, hi, how are you?

How's your day?

Oh, my day is good.

What are you up to today?

If it's not that, move on.

Let it go.

Don't internalize it.

What's a good first step?

Every single woman, hello.

Literally that.

It's just.

I feel like I'm one of those, hello and then i look at the camera i like that yeah she's just not that into you it's just a hello it's that's really all it is hi hi

you know what's hilarious

yeah great thank you and if she walks away that's it obviously don't follow and be like so i was hoping i like you gotta read

yeah exactly do you know how long it took me to figure that out What do you mean?

Hello.

Just saying hello.

So funny.

It took me, I think, into my 50s.

What?

We've been together since you were 35.

What do you talk about?

I'm just talking about not being a fucking wallflower and actually making small talk and shit, which I do all the time now, which I never used to.

I just realized, no, I thought I had to achieve all of these things for people to like me.

And then

somewhere along the line, I just sort of looked back going like, you know, all I really needed to do was say hello.

I was a good-looking guy.

I was a funny guy.

And I was like, I need to do this and then become a comedian and then sell a bunch of of tickets.

And then people will, people, it wasn't even just women, it was just everyone will like me, and people will stop fucking with me.

And then, sometime in my 50s, I was kind of being like coming out of my shell finally, and I was like, going, oh, all I had to do was say hello.

What do you know?

Yep.

What do you know?

I still did alright, though.

I think so.

I think I did real well.

Yeah, I agree.

You big jerk.

You big dummy.

How come I love you even more?

Why is that?

No,

because.

You're supposed to say I love you even more.

you didn't f and be and then i just walk out billy insel i like that character oh god billy yes billy insel please don't develop that huh

no wait oh look look see she's saying what he can develop

do whatever your heart's desire when it comes to your comedy i have no say in it whatsoever no but let's talk about this right now this is what this is what happens I say shit around the house

and then she fucking laughs and then I get a look on my face and she goes, don't do that on stage.

Don't do that on stage.

But she does it out of like a protective thing.

Like, cause I don't want you to get in trouble.

But then this is my thing though.

I've never told you this.

Whenever you say, don't do that on stage, I'm like, I'm fucking doing that on stage.

Because.

I didn't notice.

No, because then I know.

I didn't notice.

I know it's like.

No, you did this thing one time.

We were in the kitchen.

And I said something so fucked up.

You literally put your hand over your mouth and for for like 30 seconds, you tried to hold it in.

And then you ran out of the room laughing.

And you're my favorite person in the world to make laugh.

And then when you came back

and I was just going, what?

It was funny.

It was funny.

And then

you said something.

You just had like tears in your eyes and said, it was funny.

But you can't say that.

That's the thing.

I just

want you to not get.

canceled if I'm being honest.

Like that's always what I want.

I think getting canceled is over now with what the Tesla guy and

the reality show guy have just been this overtly fucking

racist, anti-Semitic, all of this type of stuff.

Those two guys are the biggest fucking ballistack cowards ever.

And this is not like a political opinion.

I'm not trashing the Republican Party.

I'm talking about those two fucking guys.

What they go after, they just prey

on the powerless.

It's fucking, they blame.

It's so funny funny now that they broke up and they're having this mean girl spat.

Oh my god.

So amazing.

Everybody I know has been saying, like, yeah, he's like, he went to Epstein Island.

It's like, well, well, when did you know that?

Yeah, you knew that.

Yeah, you knew that all the time and you didn't fucking say anything.

Exactly.

This guy fucks 12-year-olds.

It's like, well, you fucking knew that before and you went to work with them.

Exactly.

So it's a little too late.

But also, everyone knew that.

Everyone knew that he was friends with Jeffrey Epstein.

He's not dropping anything that is in any way new information.

Like, that has been out there.

Jeffrey Epstein was friends with a lot of people, a lot of like famous rich people in New York, including Donald Trump.

So why is he now being like, no, you went to Epstein Island, you know, hmm, emoji.

Like, shut the fuck up, you fucking weirdo, with your broken dick from your botched dick surgery.

Yeah, Nia, that has not been confirmed.

How would we confirm that?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Ask one of his 18 baby mamas.

Oh, my God.

Isn't that hilarious?

Isn't that hilarious?

Exactly.

Well, it's okay because he can afford it.

And how does he afford it, Nia?

By not paying his employees.

Exactly.

And paying a bunch of employees.

Senia right there.

To have them, too, because a lot of them weren't even carried naturally.

There you go, Nia.

And not that surrogacy is bad, but like,

please.

He was on this whole thing about like the end of civilization.

And so that's why people need to have a bunch of...

He wasn't on that, Nia.

He was on drugs.

Which is a whole like white supremacist thing anyway.

You know what's so funny about that guy?

Wait a minute.

Have more white babies.

Here's one for you.

The guy was an immigrant.

He was on drugs and he impregnated like 14 different women.

Oh my God.

Like he's the one that should be in the case.

Yeah, they should be getting him the fuck out of the country.

Oh my God.

I think we figured something out.

We figured it out.

We figured it out.

Well, I have a Zoom call here coming up.

I had such a good call.

I want to say on your podcast, happy birthday, honey.

Oh, thank you.

I have celebrated how many birthdays with you?

21, 22 birthdays with you.

22 birthdays.

22 birthdays we celebrated together.

That is so amazing.

Look at it.

It is.

It's making me sad how fast it's going by.

I know.

You know what I mean?

They go by so fast.

No, you know what's fucked up?

What's fucked up is now like how much more we know ourselves so we get along better.

I always think like I wish I knew that stuff then.

It literally takes a lifetime to get to really know somebody.

So here we are.

Still standing.

I know enough about you.

Yeah.

Still going to, you know, control your career.

Tell me what to say.

Tell me what to say on stage.

I mean, you can hear it.

You can hear my voice.

I'm afraid to say things in front of you.

Yep.

You have to run everybody.

Like earlier when you told me not to do that joke and I did it anyway.

And see, and see, this is the thing.

If there's anything that's true is that maybe i do try to stop bill from himself because i'm worried that he's gonna get in trouble he does it anyway and he still comes out on top what about when we were waiting for the table yesterday and you thought i was gonna get upset so you're like bill why don't you go over there and go sit down she talks to me like a rescue dog i'm always trying to manage him i'm always trying to like handle him because i'm worried that he's gonna like i'm gonna flip out

but but by man i'm not doing that anymore okay i've decided that i'm not doing that anymore i'm just gonna let you have whatever emotions you're having.

No, you were trying to keep me calm.

Yes, I was.

And why was that?

Because I knew you were going to flip out.

And why is that?

Because we were waiting too long for the food.

And why were we waiting too long for the food?

Because I decided to go to a place.

And where did you find that place?

On Instagram?

Yes.

Those fucking Instagram places.

It's going to be fucking

fucking a line of 40 white people dressing dressing like they don't have money standing in front of us.

Did you like it?

Oh my god, you guys, you have got time.

I love that count.

Run, don't walk.

Run, don't walk.

Did you like?

We waited 20 minutes, but I was telling Martha.

Did you like the food?

The food was amazing.

Okay.

It was definitely amazing.

It was worth it.

Did I want to have that food for breakfast?

No.

It was 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

I know.

I know.

We stayed out late.

We stayed out late.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ron, Ronda Wong.

The one I love.

This hidden gem.

And then they just

that everybody already knows about.

And then I'm going to stand here and take a picture with a fucking donut that they fucking puts.

I don't know if they mashed up something else.

Anyway.

All right, this silk robe.

Okay, I have to wrap this up because I immediately go into a Zoom.

I will

make up this time.

I always make up the time.

What do I got here?

Oh my God, I got.

Oh my God.

I have to do the fucking read real quick.

Shit.

All right, hang on a second.

All right.

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All right.

That's the half of podcast.

All right.

That's it.

Go fuck yourselves.

I will check in on you on Thursday.

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