Hockey, Heroine, Grandmother | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-5-25

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and remember to use promo code BURR at checkout to save 20% off your first order. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in, checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Billy Fre freckles i just wolfed down a breakfast so i apologize if my uh my stomach rumblings i didn't eat for like 12 hours and then i just uh i made myself my favorite breakfast which is basically scrambled eggs cheesy scrambled eggs with chives, burned up bacon, and a cup of coffee.

No toast, no fucking potatoes, none of that shit. If I had an avocado, slice it up raw on the side.
I fan it out like a deck of cards. I like to treat myself every once in a while.
But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I watched game one of the Stanley Cup final last night uh put it on in the third you know I had the gig last night Glenn Gary Glenn Ross um so um I was able to watch like I think I got 10 minutes left in the third period it was already tied up three to three i know edmonton scored first and then florida seemed to go ahead i think they were up three to two and then edmonton scored the tie and then it goes into overtime and i was like i got a bad feeling this is going to be some double overtime fucking thing and um you know you know the second they get in overtime nobody wants to make a mistake.
So they play, like, you know, really safe hockey. And then it's like, they're like, triple fucking overtime.
Unbelievable. It's triple overtime because everybody's so afraid to make a mistake.
Well, somebody finally made a mistake on the Panthers, was clearing the puck out of his own end, and it went to the crowd, got to a game so uh florida had four guys on the ice obviously and um somebody made an incredible move uh like half wall as jack edwards would say and then um i think it might have been mcdavid i don't think it was they passed mcdavid and then just a perfect saucer pass over to leonisaitl. Top.
Oh, is it top? How do you look at the net? Is it house right or is it stage left? If you're facing the goal. I was very, very happy because I felt like whoever won game one was going to win the series.

Well, no, I shouldn't say I feel like if Edmonton is going to win the series, they had to win game one.

Because the Florida Panthers are absolutely fucking relentless.

So you need them to be chasing you.

You can't have them out front.

They just have too much playoff experience. They got too many guys that have their name on the cup.
I just really thought it was super important for them to win game one. I got to put on the AC.
It's like fucking 90 degrees here in the city. You know, they already won the cup last year and then they added Brad Marchand, who's also fucking relentless.
And I just thought it was super important for them to win that game one. I feel like if Florida wins game one, no way Edmonton beats them.
I just don't think they do. I just think they're just too experienced.
And I mean, shit, we were up three games to one against that fucking team and they came back and beat us um yeah so anyway uh congratulations so i'm sort of torn here like this is the deal i want to see edmonton win because i want to see canada get the cup and i also love those edmonton teams when i was growing up um and then i want to see brad marchand get his name on cup. So either way, whoever wins, I'll be happy.
But still, I don't like the Panthers. I just don't like them.
I respect them. I just don't like them.
I still got too many... My emotions are still too close to the surface to root for that fucking team.
But I do root for Marchand. He had a goal last night, of course.
The guy fucking delivers. So that's where I am with that.
And I'm guessing that the NBA Finals, it's the Stanley Cup Final and the NBA Finals. I think that starts tonight.
I don't know. For what I'm hearing from people, it's not going to be much of a fucking series.
I don't know. I don't think that's going to be the case.
We'll see. We shall see.
And with that, I am in the final month of Glengarry Glen Ross. I can't believe it.
This Saturday, I'll only have three weeks of shows left. And we're still having so much fun.
And, you know, someday I'll tell you guys some stories. As I've said before, I can't remember if I already said this on this podcast because I had to start it and stop it um I can't remember if I told you this but yeah we there's the show we're giving you and then there's at this point the show we're doing for each other trying to make each other laugh and it's been such a great time and um you know people keep asking me hey are you gonna do Broadwayway again and i would absolutely love to do it but my fear is i kind of there's no way it's gonna be it's no way it's gonna be better than this because this cast everybody is just everybody is fucking cool we're all laughing all hanging out.
The camaraderie, the vibe, and it just, it's everybody,

the people that work with the cast. The union guys.
Everybody. We're just all vibing.
And also we're at the Palace Theater, which they raised up. So the dressing rooms are all brand new.
and i visited some friends that are working in these old theaters on broadway and it's like

you know i got a friend of mine's working in an old moldy theater there's like mold in the theater

like the level that they treat these performers in some of these theaters these old ass theaters

and i don't know who the hell owns them i don't know what the fuck they're doing but uh

Thank you. The level that they treat these performers in some of these theaters, these old ass theaters.
And I don't know who the hell owns them. I don't know what the fuck they're doing.
But, you know, they could sweep up a little bit. Put it that way.
So we're in like the newest theater, I feel, in humane conditions. And everybody's fucking cool.
And it's a quick play. And it's like sort of the perfect part for me to play.

So I'm kind of nervous about doing it again.

But I will definitely do it again.

I got the bug.

And the right thing comes along.

And enough time in the future or whatever.

And I can figure out a better way to do it with my family.

I would 100% do it again.

Yeah, it's been a great time. So anyway, with that and with that, MotoGP comes back this weekend.
Very excited. It's been a weird couple of races with the rain in France and the restart in England, which is good because it kind of like leveled it out.
Like Mark Marquez is in striking distance of points with Mark Marquez. Mark Marquez was looking like he was going to win every fucking race.
And then all of a sudden, you know, the season starts going and all of a sudden, you know, it's not a done fucking deal there. I took a day for me today.
I got i got my first massage since i don't know like a year and uh i finally went because i was walking down the street i had to keep stopping and stretching i felt like my achilles was gonna snap and uh i got all the old man shit here i got what do you need you need? Foam roller, the little fucking Theragun.

You want the fucking massage bulls?

You want some massage bulls up against the wall, on the floor,

lacrosse ball for your cab? I got the whole fucking thing going on, and it's still tight as a drum.

So I went and got some work done on me. I feel really good really good and i gotta go take the epsom salt bath but i gotta tell you is fucking being an old man you know stretching continuing to work out an epsom salt bath and i i kind of forgot about the massage you got to do that shit you know listen to me i get one massage and all of a sudden I'm giving you guys fucking health tips.
I'm just saying I feel better. I feel better.
I had a little, uh, little, little fucking spring in my step going down the goddamn street there. Um.
Jesus, this city's getting fucking wild. It's still cool, but it's getting wild.
Like, was hanging with a friend of mine, was sitting at a coffee shop, and then like 10 feet down is some guy with his pants down shooting heroin into the outside of his calf. And I was like, wow.
You know, there's a lot of fucking older people out there going like, you know what, the 90s, you missed it. You in the 90s the 90s was just the best decade that took me back to the 90s that's the when people forget you know you're just looking you're just glorifying it the 90s were not awesome you were young that's what it was there was people the age you are the 90s, going, what in the fuck has happened to the world? And they were going like, oh my God, the 1950s, you fucking missed it.
Nobody's missing anything. You're just old now.
So that shit, that was when I first moved to New York City.

It was Wu-Tang.

It was the Fugees.

It was fucking people nodding off on heroin.

And it was Rudy Giuliani coming in being like,

we're going to fucking make this city white and safe again.

Times Square is going to be corporate white safe again safe again yeah he just whited it up and uh you know they never did anything about the problems they just removed the problems i don't know where all of those people went but i don't think if uh you know you put a disney store in time square that person isn't addicted to heroin anymore. I don't know how it works.
But anyway, still good coffee. It's definitely still good coffee.
Yeah, but yeah, old New York's coming back. You know, I'm fucking having to step over people coming down my stairs out of the building.
you know, people gathering themselves, people just

hanging out. I will say the level of fucking like weed use in New York City is insane.
At all hours

of the day and the, all these different ways that you can consume or ingest weed

that are odorless, like gummies, oils, putting it into food and all of this stuff. And like, you know, I go to the big gay gym in the morning and then I hit my coffee shop, 10.30, 11.
And I walked down the street, 10.30, 11 on a weekday and I'm smelling weed everywhere. But nobody seems to care because that's just the people smoking it.
Forget about somebody that's like micro dosing or doing whatever these fucking things are. You know, I think it's safe to say that weed is very addictive.

Like, I would say if you are functioning in society and it's 11 in the morning on a fucking Tuesday

and you are just fucking smoking weed,

you have some sort of issue, right?

For people who smoke weed, no, man, I just took a couple of hits, I get a nice little fucking, you know, that I can kind of deal with my day, and, you know, I just kind of, you know, man, you know, right? But if you were sitting there and you had like those little fucking nips, I think I talked about this last podcast, if you had one of these fucking little nips, people would be checking in on you, like, dude, I think problem man hey there's nothing worried you know there's nothing wrong with cutting loose on the weekends having a couple of beers you know three four beer as that guy in canada said you know well one two drinks a week well what's that gonna do for you you know i think if you're home by yourself you know i think there's nothing wrong with having three four beer sometimes i'll have like five or six beer fucking love that guy um so anyway um i got a show coming up at the Beacon Theater. So old Billy's been going out to the clubs and everything.
And after my shoes. But I definitely want to watch this NHL series, man.
The Stanley Cup final. I just got a feeling.
I just felt like it was Edmonton's time. So, but we shall see.
We shall see. Oh, we shall fucking see.
Speaking of which, when I was going to my massage today, I didn't go to my usual coffee shop. There was one up the street that I wanted to try.
And there was always a line there and everything. And then I went in and it blew my mind, right? There was like coffee.
They had like a large and small latte, large and small fucking cappuccino. All I see is plastic cups.
And I'm like, this this place sucks because that's my thing i need real glasses and there's only one size there's no such thing as a large cappuccino you know there's no such thing that is some american shit if you go to the fucking coffee chat, they tell you what it is.

Everything gets fucking supersized over here. Why is that? Do you realize how fucked up this country is? This country tries to make its own people sick so it can make money off of them.
It's fucking unbelievable. I'm seeing all of this shit about like seed oils and all of this stuff and how they paid off the fucking American Heart Association to look the other fucking way so they could, and then like heart disease was not a fucking problem.
According to fucking Instagram, I don't know. I, you know, I love how Luigi is a fucking terrorist, but these fucking CEOs that poisoned our food supply aren't.
They're beyond terrorists. At least the terrorist

bombs what they feel is the fucking enemy. These guys are attacking their own fucking people.

But you know what? They're what?

They got a lot of money and they pay it to the politicians,

so they are not murderers.

They are not treasonous people.

But if you're some regular Joe and you walk up

and you take a shot at one of them all of a sudden,

oh my God, this guy's a fucking terrorist.

That's what I learned from that one. That's what I learned on that Luigi story.
It isn't what you do. It's who you are and who you do it to that determines how they define you, which determines whether CNN and Fox News understands what you did and is behind it or are confused, air quote.

Why would somebody do something like this? Subtext. Health insurance companies advertise on our network.
We don't understand why someone would be motivated. What is the motivation? gee I don't know everybody pays in

and when it times takes would be motivated. What is the motivation? Gee, I don't know.

Everybody pays in

and when it's time for them

to take care of us,

they say to go fuck yourself

and they let you die.

I mean, that's a good place to start, right?

Wouldn't you think?

Would you?

Anyway, one show today 7 p.m so i got my whole day and i don't have any stress anymore because i i got the lines down i finally was able to get a little fucking comfortable where i'm like dude this is like your act you know how it goes all right you don't do you fucking sit there and babble your act before you go on stage it's like no i don't but i also can say whatever the fuck i want you know if and when i mess up but um i still i still think there there is like i guess like an element of that so anyway this is my last week of being 56 years old you know and next week I turn 57 in case you couldn't do the math.

And you know what?

I'm excited.

I'm excited to be 57.

57, yeah, it just like feels great, you know?

Don't you love when old people do that shit?

Yeah, like 57 is like the new 26.

No, it isn't.

No, it isn't, lady.

Fucking one-piece bathing suit with something fucking wrapped around your waist, please. Thank you.
Thank you. That'll be enough.
Thank you. I get it.
I get it. You can't handle that you're an old bag now.
All right? I get it. That doesn't mean we have to look at you in your Bo Derek bathing suit saying that you feel fucking good about yourself.
No one wants to see that. You know, you can say a lot of things about me, but I have worn a lot of clothes in my life.
I've always had respect that you didn't want to see this. I keep myself covered up because I'm a man of the people.

I try to dress respectable.

I try to look sharp.

You know, I try to be a gentleman.

That's it.

You know, I've been fucking walking around wearing a goddamn tank top.

These fucking guys out there

with their grandmother arms.

You know, I hate people

who have fat, flabby arms

that wear fucking tank tops

and like what?

I'm supposed to believe

those are guns?

Those aren't gums.

Those are two fucking

giant scoops of ice cream

because that's what the fuck

you've been eating.

I could squeeze

those 24-inch pythons

all the way down

to your fucking humorous.

All right?

Don't even get me started about the FEMA.

I think the Red Sox had a walk-off home run last night.

You know, when I finish my little bullshit in the play

and I walk through the sub-stage, the sub-floor,

the floor right underneath what the orchestra would usually be

if there was any music in the play,

I don't know. The sub-stage, the sub-floor, the floor right underneath the orchestra would usually be, if there was any music in the play.
One of the guys in the crew always has a bunch of baseball on, so that's the only Red Sox shit that I've seen. And we had a matinee yesterday.
And I think it was during the matinee, but why would the Red Sox have a day game on a Wednesday? A random Wednesday in June. It must have still been light out.
All I know is I just saw Fenway Park. And what a gorgeous fucking park.
I haven't been to a game there in a couple of years. I got to get back to that.
And I know we're still playing 400 ball. But hopefully we'll get hot before it's too fucking late i was all excited that the red sox spent fucking money this year and we're gonna try to be competitive because i feel like i don't know what they've been doing the last few fucking years but let's just say it hasn't been working there um all right and i think that's it i don't know that I have anything else to tell you.
I'm only 21 minutes in.

Now, I mean, the contract that I have in my head that I never signed with you guys is that I have to do a fucking half hour. You know, but usually at this point, I can read some sort of advertising.
But the way I've been reading ads lately, I don't have any. when you do

a four minute left turn in the middle of some fucking ad reads. Look at this.
I was wrong. I do have some reads here.
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Anyway, I saw that Marc Maron was going to end his podcast, the What the Fuck podcast. That is a major moment in the young history of podcasting.
One of the most legendary podcasts since the beginning of podcasting, right? Seemed a pretty cool idea to me. I'm not saying I'm going to do it.
I'm just saying I love the idea of retiring anything. You know what I mean? because, you you know as much as it's sad to watch an athlete just keep playing past you know when they should have fucking quit um and we all look at it we all say it's sad but you know you got to look at your own life sometimes and just be like why am i still doing this that happens a lot in my business too in entertainment like you'll just see i saw somebody the other day oh my god was advertising some sort of gig they had coming up and uh you know i i get it though like if you retire then like what is your you gotta you have to have a purpose like if I retired I would go full Jimmy Carter you know I would find I'm not saying I'm gonna swing a hammer and build houses for the homeless I'm too fucking pasty for that but I would find some charity to go work for my grandmother that.
She volunteered at a hospital and she worked at like the little cafeteria that they had. And it gave her something to do.
She still had free time. She still could play cards with her friends, but it gave her a purpose.
And she retired at like, I don't know what age, like how people used to retire at like 65 and then she lived to almost be 105. So she had like over 10,000 hours of volunteer service.
You know, she got that like a half hour a time or 40 minutes a time whatever however long the lunch was an hour or so um every day um somebody's gonna do the math on that actually if she did that between the ages whatever she had 10 000 hours i don't know how the fuck she did it they had some ceremony for um but i always look to her where like she played bridge and she did volunteer work. And then she also, you know, drove her cars forever.
And if there was any sort of ding or scratching it, she would take it down to the dealership and get it fixed. So she always had, she had a good looking car.
She dressed sharp. She played cards and she volunteered.
That's how you fucking retire. I think nowadays the way they grind you down to nothing in the corporate world i think everybody is so fucking burned out that left to their own devices in five years they're weed wine mushrooms fucking potato skins and nachos you're like dead within three five years um well that's a sad thought isn't it um anyway i just want to give mark maron a shout out um and the what the fuck podcast the wtf podcast for being uh one of the ogs in this world.

I was lucky enough to be on it a couple times.

Definitely the end of an era.

I wonder if I would ever... At some point...

I don't know that I would ever quit this thing.

I don't even guess, really.

I mean, I do, but I don't. If that makes any sense.
Then I just find I don't I don't even guess really you know I mean I do but I don't if that makes any sense then I just sort of fuck around I still I guess I still like doing it right yeah I don't know that's just one of those moments where I just look somebody's doing that and I go wait should I be doing that I never even thought about the end of this thing I feel like the end of my podcast and then when I die someone is going to collect all of these podcasts and do some sort of psychological breakdown of when I lost it Just start connecting dots

or whatever.

Oh, God.

The poor bastard that would have to listen to all of these.

Oh, you know what?

They could be listening right now.

Somebody could be listening to this in the future when I'm already gone.

Hey, man, just want to say I had a great time.

All right?

Fight off those fucking robots.

Now they won't play that in the future.

That will be censored.

With AI technology.

Like that's a fucking asset.

Anyway, I'm going to drink a lot of water.

That's what you're supposed to do after you have a fucking massage. And guess what? Guess what? I still haven't had a fucking cigar.
I still have not had a cigar. Although I will tell you, I walked down the street today when I was going to my son.
I don't know who had the cigar, but I walked by somebody that was smoking a cigar and I smelled it. And I breathed in like I was in some nature commercial.
Like I was breathing in the fresh mountain air. But except it was a stogie.
You know, being responsible is awesome in the morning. You know, when you wake up and you're not hungover and you feel good and all of that shit.
But like somewhere in the afternoon, the idea of being irresponsible just seems to make more and more sense. You know, I don't know if it's a habit or you just interacted with some human beings.
And you just start thinking like, you know, it's three in the afternoon.

I don't have to do a play until seven.

Is this the day I try heroin? How long does it last? you gotta do it once right just smoke it in your fucking 80s then I'd be worried you'd fuck you you know like junkies never tip over what about if you're in your 80s you probably tip over and then you break your hip yeah that horrible high-pitched scream of an old person You know, that horrible high-pitched scream of an old person. You know, sounds like a bird off in the distance.
Is that some sort of bird I can't identify? Or did somebody 85 just try heroin for the first time and fucking tipped over? All right. Well, that is the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
Once again, thank you to everybody who continues to show up to Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. It's been a life-changing, life-changing experience.
And I am so thankful that I've had it. I am so thankful that I still have another three and a half weeks to be with all of these, um, what I hope will be lifelong friends that I've met on this.
And then also to be performing in front of all of these crowds and every night just feeling a different energy. Each crowd has its own like personality or whatever.
And, uh, it's been, uh, I hope it's made me a better actor i don't know i've been having so much fun i don't feel like i've been working it's just been great all right well that's it congratulations to the oilers uh i hope the uh pacers oklahoma city series is more competitive than most people are going to give it credit for i hope they have an epic fucking seven game series because i'm so sick of these people being like who the fuck cares about fucking indiana versus oklahoma you don't care about the two best teams what's the matter there's not enough stars you know you can't handle it because steph curry and fucking lebron and and whoever else isn't fucking there why don't fucking there. Why don't you grow up? Why don't you grow up and stop playing favorites like a fucking narcissist parent? All right, that's the podcast.
Have a great weekend, you cunts, and enjoy the music picked out by the amazing Andrew Themless, and then afterwards we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday, Monday morning podcast. See you.
a scene all day, but tomorrow they'll be held to pay. The afterlife

could be added for the serious right.

Now you make the scene all day,

but tomorrow they'll be held to pay.

People listen attentively

I mean about future calamity.

I used to think the idea was

obsolete until I heard the old man

stamping his feet.

This is a place where eternally fire is applied to the body.

Teeth are extruded and born to crown and baked into cakes which are passed around.

In the afterlife, you could be at it for a serious drive.

Now you make the scene all day, but by time I finish this shit. it's going to be about noon.
Noon. Saskatoon.
See the Northern Lights. I just had a fucking amazing weekend.
I want to thank everybody who came out to Clusterfest up in San Francisco, this new comedy festival. I was up there and on Sunday, I had like a make a wish weekend.
It was crazy. I went up there.
Let's see. What did I do? I did the two dopeope Queen podcast.
Then I did the Comedy Jam, goddamn Comedy Jam. We were playing outside near City Hall, which I called the fucking state capital.
Anytime I see a dome, I'm like, that's got to be the capital of the state. I mean, why would they spend that much fucking money making something look that impressive and all it is is just city hole.
You tell me the fucking mayor lives there?

Jesus Christ, I'd love to see the governor.

Governor's above the mayor, right?

Is that how it works?

It's like meter made, then it goes mayor, then governor, then state representative,

congressman, right?

And then a senator.

And then the MotoGP level is you're the fucking uh you're the president all right tweets and gets up and storms out of interviews when he doesn't like the questions um the fuck is going on with you know i watched this thing on uh what's his face uh vladi dotty there. Vladimir Putin saying like how anybody who's like an opponent of his, they fucking kill him.
They've had all these weird suicides. This one guy tied himself to a chair and somehow threw himself into a pool.
Now that one right there is not only getting rid of your enemy, but it's also displaying your level of power. Because when you're not even trying to hide it like that, oh yeah, that was a suicide.
Anyways, and then he's like poisoning fucking people and all this shit. Whenever I watch those stories about people like that, there was this guy, he's gotten poisoned twice.
First time he went into a coma for a week, and he was in the hospital for like a fucking month. Now he walks with like a limp.
And he went right back to protesting, you know, the current regime in Russia. And then he fucking, they poison him again.
He goes to the same hospital. This time they realized, you know, with his symptoms going right, this guy's probably been poisoned again.
So they knew something a little better. So they got him out like a week to 10 days.
I don't know about you guys. The first time I get poisoned and I, and I live, I'm going to say to the cause, guys i'm passing the torch okay i did my part i'm gonna uh i'm gonna start making those furry russian hats i'm gonna open a little fucking kiosk down at the local um people's mall whatever the fuck it is you know what's funny is everybody thinks russia's communist right somebody told me the other day going like that dude they haven't been communist for like fucking 25 years they're like over here it's like a small group of people running shit except they uh you know rather than tweeting and walking out on shit they just kind of poison people they're taking it to the next level i believe the kids say it's turnt up um but anyways cluster fest i just i don't know i went to bed watching that i started talking about a comedy festival and then i go over talking about a guy getting poisoned and continuing to do what the fuck if i ever got poisoned doing stand-up that's it i'm done i'm done i would just i would send out a a tweet uh to whom whoever poisoned me uh what would you like me to be doing with my life so I can get out a tweet.
To whom? Whoever poisoned me.

What would you like me to be doing with my life so I can get on with that?

Stock room at Best Buy? You got it.

I'll fucking load and unload flat screen TVs for the rest of my fucking life to not go into another week-long coma and stay in the hospital for a goddamn month.

Knowing that there's people out there that not only can poison me, i don't know who the fuck they are and when they did it dude was just sitting there talking to his wife everything's fine and out of fucking nowhere he went from feeling all of a sudden you know i feel a little uh is it hot in here boom right into a coma fucking 20 minutes later continues to fight the good mean, that's amazing. That's amazing.
You know, if there is an afterlife or whatever, I feel like that guy's in the pre-checked TSA line, you know? Just goes right through. I saw this little YouTube video on this guy who allegedly had a 200 IQ.
And I guess the average person has 100. You get up to about 130, 140.
You're a fucking genius. You know, fucking Tesla had a 150.
Fucking Galileo had a 160. Somebody had a 190.
And this guy's got a 200. So he's allegedly the smartest person on the fucking planet.
And he lives in the fucking middle of nowhere on a goddamn farm with like a couple of yaks and some chickens and he met some other super genius woman out of brooklyn um i don't know if you heard him both talk i didn't buy it i didn't buy it for i don't know once his wife started talking and it's just they never really made him demonstrate how fucking smart he was he just was was talking about what he was doing. He was trying to prove that heaven exists.
So right there, that was suspect to me. I was just kind of like going like, all right, this guy is like the smartest person ever, and he's like a fucking religious freak.
You know? I don't know. That's always a uh i haven't found too many smart people that are like that level into religion i have found smart people into religion but they're kind of like hey this is what i believe you don't believe it i get it but you know it works for me so i have a nice day as opposed to telling you you're gonna fucking burn forever shit.
I don't know. Like I was trying to prove the existence of heaven.
What about hell? Does that exist? I don't fucking know. I'll send a, I'll post it.
Is that what I'm supposed to say? I'll post the fucking clip. Anyways, let me get back to Clusterfest.
I'm fucking talking in circles here. So yeah, so I landed.
I did a private gig, and then I did Two Broke Girls. Then I played drums at the goddamn comedy jam outside the fucking mayor's house in this giant square.
There was a couple thousand people there. And I forgot to adjust this one cymbal, time i bring my stick up this my he had like the fucking crash symbol the other drummer had the crash symbol nick right above it i kept hitting it and i was missing shit i was fucking up but i i just kept going it's kind of a learning experience like i fucked up a lot i thought and uh but i just kept going and somehow it landed on its feet and then later on that night i did a show there i don't know how many fucking people were there it was freezing it was the coldest i've ever been doing stand-up it's just like outside you know for those people who don't live in san francisco and i've made this mistake because i took a vacation there a long time ago in july and i dressed like it was july um san Francisco's summer, I believe is like end of September to like middle of October.
It's really quick. And the rest of the time it is fucking freezing.
So I was in this little fucking trailer in the back, which always cracks me up about this business. And you're like, I'm going to make it someday.
I'm going to be a star. And you end up in a fucking trailer park for most of your career.
So I'm in this trailer, right? Not even a double wide. I'm fucking sitting there.
Oh, by the way, Les Claypool band played across the way before I went up. So I got to hear them play.
I couldn't see them play, but I got to meet to meet him briefly this is my make-a-wish weekend I just fucking broke out the double pedal and I've been trying to play uh Tommy the cat and that type of shit which I'm failing miserably at and here I am meeting the fucking guy that wrote the goddamn song he was cool as hell his band sounded amazing um and uh yeah so I was standing there and I did a show it It was me, Joe DeRosa, and Pete Davidson. And I was sitting in the trailer trying to get warm, learning from the East Coast going, all right, if I'm already cold with my hoodie and my jacket on, I need to take this shit off and let my body adjust so when I go out there, when I put the hoodie and jacket on, I'll be all right.
That's something you learn as a kid. If you already put all your snow shit on inside the house and your body adjusts to your temperature in the house with that shit on, you're going to then go outside and you're going to be freezing cold.
I don't know how it works. That's how it works.
You got to take your fucking jacket off. So I was doing that, and as I'm doing it, i'm listening to to rosa and he's murdering and like the laughs he's getting is not opening a show laughs and he went out there like no pun intended cold there was no nothing no music i don't know what the fuck it was just ladies and gentlemen joe de rosa and he walked out to the parking lot where the hell we were performing and he was getting laughs that were not opener laughs and then he brought up uh pete davidson and he's fucking killing justice hard both of them absolutely murdered whoever was at the show i know can back me up on that and um then i went out there and it was uh it was one of the more memorable shows i've had with like the the mayor's house there they had the dome it was all lit up in like this celtic screen which was pretty cool and um where they'd sat everybody there were like these traffic lights that were telling you to walk or not walk and i kept you know was seeing the sign when they were counting down whether it was safe to walk across the alleged traffic that was no longer there i kept kept thinking that was like the end of my set.
It was like fucking me up. And whenever the red light came on, I'm like, does that mean to wrap it up? I kept, you know, it's a fucking traffic light.
Um, I don't know. Anyways.
So I did that. And then on Sunday, no, and then I went to a big after party.
You got to hang out with Deosa, Big J, Nate Bargazzi, all these fucking guys, man, just having a great time, and then the next day, I got to interview Jerry Seinfeld, promoting his comedians in cars, getting coffee, that's going to be out on Netflix, and I can't even tell you how fucking nervous I was to do that, because I was just like right I was joking in the interview going like I always feel like I'm one dumb comment away from you just standing up and just walking out of the room and I never see you again like that's the vibe he has and as I said that he stood up and just walked out of the starts to walk off the stage um I was like really nervous because I thought that, I don't know, I just thought he was going to give really quick, short answers. And I was just going to be sitting there like Chris Farley when he did that sketch, when he interviewed Paul McCartney.
Like, remember when he did Seinfeld? That was awesome. Like, I thought I was literally going to be that guy but um within two seconds I realized oh wait this guy did the tonight show with Johnny Carson you know why wouldn't he come out here and absolutely fucking kill it if he just sat here giving me quick answers the thing would go nowhere and then he would look bad with me um it was amazing it was one of the most fun things I've gotten to do in my career.
And, you know, before I interviewed him for whatever, I had all these fucking questions. Like I was going to look at my car.
I'd never interviewed somebody like that. So I had all these questions I was going to ask him, you know, his favorite car of all time, his favorite Met of all time.
You know, what level dictator would you still be willing to do a private show for? you know what I mean? Um, and I never even had to look at him. I asked a few of those.
I think I asked him who his favorite Matt was. I forget who he said.
It was someone from like the 69 series, but, um, it's probably that guy that dove, caught the ball. Um, but before I went and interviewed him, I was looking up, you know, some information about him just so I would have something.
I was trying to think, what the fuck can I ask this guy that he's not been asked a million times before? And I just happened to see, it says, Jerry Seinfeld comments on Kathy Griffin controversy. And they cut to him.
They were just like, Jerry, what do you think about the whole Kathy Griffin, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he just goes, it's stupid.
Who cares? That was it. And I was like, Oh my God, is he going to do that when I interview him? Is it going to be that quick? Um, thank God.
Thank God he didn't. Um, thank God he didn't.
So it went great, thank Christ, and then I, um, the interview ended

um Christ. And then I, um, the interview ended.
Um, I don't know. We were just saying, man, that was a lot of fun.
That went great. It was awesome.
And then he left and then me and Josh, Adam Myers jumped in a car. Didn't really jump in a car.
Jerry jumped in his car cause he does life. Right.
You know, he gave me some great advice about being on the road. He said, when the show's over, he just goes, go back to the room.
He goes, go back to the room. And I go, you never just want to go out and have a couple.
He goes, go back to the room. He goes, there's nothing, nothing good is out there.
Just go back to the room. And do you know, I already knew that.
Do you know how many times I've learned that fucking lesson? And he said to me, he goes, if you want to look this good in your 60s, go back to the room. And he looks fucking great.
So I'm going to try to do that. How do you go back to the room? You don't go back to the room.
You have no stories. I'm going to be in Montreal this weekend.
How do I go back to the room you have no stories i'm gonna be in montreal this weekend how do i go back to the room one of my favorite cigar bars in the fucking world is there how do i go back to the room i have to tell you every time i go back to the room i'm hating it right until i get to the elevator and then i go up in the elevator and i go into the room and i put the TV on and the second I get into the bed I'm like oh my god this is awesome this is fucking great I don't know why I just you know I think I finished the show I'm wired I'm excited it went well and then I you know I go on the road with friends and're always, what do you think? Maybe go have a couple to a treat. And I always say yes.
I always say yes. So anyway, so the show ends.
I've learned to go back to the room. I've also learned to have the car service right fucking there.
Like Jerry. It was just like his act.
There was no fat on him fucking leaving the stage, going to the dressing room, getting his shit, and he just walked right out. And I said, I go, yeah, of course.
I go, look, this is how you do your life. The fucking car's ready.
My guy's like, I don't know where the fuck he is, and he just laughed, and he just got in his car, and it was over. So I usually don't have any sort of a car service i usually just walk out okay so the reason why i have a car service was because i had tickets to go to game two of the nba finals my make a wish weekend continues so my car guy goes yeah i'm fucking dude i'm fucking down the street in the garage.
And I go, all right, so we're right here. I told him where we're at.
Come to the stage door. The dude comes to the stage door on foot and walked us back to the fucking car.
The show ended at 345. The final started at five o'clock.
So I'm like, what the fuck, man? So we walked all the way over to this parking garage. Got in the elevator, went downstairs.
I'm in the parking garage with the crowd. It's the most anti-show business thing ever.
It's the most anti-Elvis left the fucking building. It was fucking pedestrian.
It was shameful. I should have had my urine show business card revoked.oked so we get in the car we're sitting in the traffic with the fucking crowd to get out of the parking garage nothing vip about it complete fucking moron i am so we ended up uh me and josh were riding in the car over and we're just laughing going dude we're going to the fucking nba finals finals whatever the fuck you say it and um and we had a couple of cigars and we said to the guy who turned out to be the greatest driver ever.
We were like, dude, is it okay if, uh, I don't get the guy in trouble. He may or may not allegedly have let us smoke the cigar in the back of the car.
And, um, we ended up getting to the finals and, uh, we missed about half of the first quarter. And it's just one of those things like I can't believe I'm here.
And I love that fucking arena. It's going to be a shame when they leave it.
I'm going to tell Warrior fans right now, enjoy that arena because your next arena is not going to be that loud. The new ones are never that loud because they build in all of those luxury boxes.
And everything is just so fucking big and far away from the court. But anyway, so we go to the game and we're watching the game and it's fucking, you know, it's great through about the first two and a half quarters and then the Warriors just start pulling away.
And I got to tell you, as a fan of sport and competition that Kevin Durant the allowing Kevin Durant to go to the Warriors was that's out of all those things LeBron going to Miami uh fucking Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen going to the Celtics Shaq and Phil Jackson going to the Lakers, this one might be the worst one.

Because at least like Shaq and Phil Jackson, that was a bad time. But still, you still had like the Spurs.
They had Tim Duncan. They had David Robinson.
You know, you still had something to compete with. And, you know, the Celtics, when we won, we still had to beat the fucking Lakers, and God knows they always had 9 million fucking free agents, and even the fucking Heat, that first year, they lost to the Mavericks, but this one, it was just like, I'm trying to think of an analogy, it would be like if Magic Johnson joined the Celtics.
Or Larry Bird joined the Lakers after the 1985 championship. When we lost to him in the finals, he just joined the fucking Lakers.
I got to, yeah, it just felt, it felt fucking dirty when I was watching it going like, this just doesn't feel good. I don't know.
I was at an NBA final game and I was actually bored, which is funny because I thought when I was at home, I didn't know what the Warrior fans were chanting when they were saying, Warriors, Warriors. I thought they were chanting, boring.
Boring. I literally thought that that's what they were saying because there was so much.
Look at last year's Western Conference finals.

That was fucking unbelievable. That seven game series with the Thunder and the Warriors.
And

then you look at last year's NBA final was fucking amazing. Went seven games and was won in the last

second by the Cavaliers. It was incredible basketball, incredible level of competition.
It was amazing. And then, I don't know, I don't understand how the Chris Paul trade was bad for basketball, but Kevin Durant going to the Warriors.
And then just watching them puffing their chests out and punching their fucking chest and and the crowd going crazy as if they don't realize what they're watching like acting as though like yeah man this year's our year last year you beat us but you know what we dug down deeper no you didn't you didn't you picked up the best guy that almost fucking beat you last year and added it to your team it was like i don't know every time they get to within three to five points which i have to tell you is pretty fucking amazing when you're playing a team they haven't even lost a game yet they've lost one game since february um and they were already playing like that before they had Kevin Durant. I'm not trying to rain on people's parade here or anything, but I really don't have anything to say about the game other than for me, I watch sports to watch competition.
I don't watch it to watch a layup. I mean, the fact that they have all of those guys and then they can rotate them out.
And when their LeBron is sitting down, they got another two LeBrons still out there. It's just fucking.
I don't know. There was a lot.
I don't know. There was a lot of of like I just couldn't believe I didn't hear one warrior fan address it you know at some point just kind of be like yeah this is kind of uh I mean any Celtic fans out there you didn't feel like dude what the fuck that year in 2000 we were like in last place and then Kevin McHale's in the front office of the Timberwolves and trades away Kevin Garnett for nothing.
A former Celtic does that to the Timberwolves like that should have been investigated the same way the Pau Gasol trade when what's his face? Jerry West was in the front office of the Grizzlies. Oh, look who it is.
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Yeah, we'll give you Pau Gasol for his fucking brother, who's now good, but he wasn't back then. It's a horrible fucking trade.
Those were bad enough, but I think this is the worst one ever. I'm still holding out.
I have to root for the Cavaliers. I'm still rooting for the fact that they can somehow...
You know, obviously they've got to win the next one. Most obvious statement ever but um yeah i gotta tell you from about halfway through the third quarter when they started pulling away and then the cavaliers kept fighting back and they and they just had it was it was ridiculous it was like i don't know i just walked out of there going like that felt like a fucking regular season game I didn't feel like, I don't know.
I don't know. I just walked out of there going like that felt like a fucking regular season game.
I didn't feel like, I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. How the fuck? Somebody explain to me what that's competition.
Like as a warrior fan, you're going to look at that and just be like, yeah, man, that feels good. And you have to be honest to be honest with yourself warrior fans weren't you guys bitching at lebron when he went to miami and he won two down there right weren't you saying that's fucking bullshit it's a pile-on team now now if you were you got to say that about your own fucking team and i didn't hear that once i just saw everybody fucking walking around thumping their chest like this was the greatest fucking thing ever.
You know what else is funny, too? I really think it's hilarious is when the little kids come out and they do their dance routines, that aggressive hip hop dancing. It's the funniest shit ever to me, like what dancing has become.
It's like you're literally sitting there like when a little kid dance when i was a kid it was cute it was adorable now you're just sitting there like this does this kid want to fight me i think a six-year-old is squaring off with me this whole fucking new generation where everybody's just walking around like they're these gods. I don't know what the fuck that is about.

These fucking Instagram douchebags

who are trying to be inspirational people

as they're showing off their fucking abs.

Like they're trying to help you by showing off their beauty

and their own success

and standing in front of private jets holding up a water cash.

I just, for the fucking life of me,

I can't understand why that behavior isn't ridiculed

and we're going to standing in front of private jets, holding up a wad of cash. I just, for the fucking life of me, I can't understand why that behavior isn't ridiculed and why it's actually like aspired to.
Go out and get yours. So fucking, get what? A bunch of fucking shoes? I don't know.
Oh God, I'm just a crabby old man. I have to tell you, if the Cleveland Cavaliers had somehow signed a giant free agent at the level of Kevin Durant, then I think this would be probably the greatest NBA Finals ever because it would be like two Hall of Fame fucking teams going at it with each other.
And then even if I, you know, I always hated that fucking, you know, I hate the super teams, as you can obviously tell, but at least if you have two of them going at it, it becomes interesting like back in the day when the uh roided up free agent red socks went up against the roided up free agent yankees i know it was bad for baseball but at least there was i don't know there was another roided up free agency fucking team out there this is just like um i don't know i just don't understand how you play a team that has the talent that lebron has and it's like fucking child's play because you got this other this fucking juggernaut you just signed and uh i don't know it was weird it was a weird feeling leaving there so i think i fucking um i don't know i think that was a little too long i probably talked about it too long but like i was so excited to go to the fucking game and then you just it would have been nice if one warrior fan went like yeah you know it's kind of bullshit but uh you know lebron did it in miami so does that kind of make it okay i mean uh hey you know that guy touched a kid so why can't we touch a kid right doesn't isn't that how it is that how it works yeah i was joking with josh i go dude that felt dirty and then i also have to tell you i absolutely fucking cannot stand the West Coast fucking sports fan.

I just cannot stand them.

I did not hear one intelligent thing yelled during the game.

I mean, their commentary is different reads of, oh, shit.

That's it.

Nobody fucking seems to know what's going on.

There was one guy behind me going, oh, I never seen the Cavs come out with this lineup.

Oh, they're going big.

There was a couple of people, but everybody else was just fucking mouth breathers.

Just waiting for the ball to go through the net to be like, oh, shit.

They don't want none of this.

Sorry, didn't mean to fucking blow out your ears there.

All right. All right.

I'm done fucking whining about that shit, but it is bullshit.

It is.

I actually heard this.

This is a fucking West Coast sports fan.

I went into the bathroom and somebody yelled out, two championships going on three.

And somebody goes, two and a half.

We got two and a half.

I don't know if he was saying like they should have got it called a championship last year or they're already racking this one up.

Because they already fucking were going to win game two i don't know i don't fucking i have no i have no idea i hope that that's what that guy was saying do you think i shit on the whole fucking thing long enough i really didn't think it was gonna go that long i'm already fucking 28 minutes in all right let's do a little bit of advertising here. by the way rest in peace Blue Apron Blue Apron decided not to Continue advertising with me Because I said You know when they were I was reading the copy it says you know when you have Fresh ingredients food tastes better And I was like really fresh ingredients tastes better That's the reason they're claiming that they they stopped um wanting to advertise in the podcast not because six weeks ago i read that story where they were you know going to farmers markets trying to box out the little man you know i know that's what it was i know that they just were like, we can't do it now or he's going to bring that shit up,

that filthy shit that we allegedly did up again.

So we're just going to wait and we're going to wait for him to do

one fucking read that we don't like

and then we're going to be out.

Come on, Blue Apron.

How dumb do you think I am?

Huh?

Stop going down to farmer's markets allegedly.

You know?

What do you want, John Cougar Mellencamp? Do you have to write another fucking song song is that what the hell you're going after alright here's our old friends they don't give a shit how I read these I like these guys this is all zip alright anyways here we go alright let's read some questions here for this week see if I can stop talking about that fucking golden state thing uh hey bill would love if you would find it i would love i would love it if you would find it to come back to sweden malmo gets boring there's too few redheads to spend my money on here thank you all right i feel like he was vaguely trashing me yet he likes my comedy. I'm definitely going to be coming back to Sweden.

Last time I went through Europe, I didn't do the Scandinavians.

Countries. What are the Scandinavian countries, people?

Come on. Norway, Sweden, Denmark.

I know there's one other one in there. It's not Finland.

That's part of the Nordic countries that also include Scandinavia. I can't even remember.
It's been so long since I was there. I learned that Scandinavia was like three countries and then those three countries were part of the Nordic countries, which included Finland and this little island just north of Great Britain.
Right? Isn't it something like that? I will definitely be back, and I'll have a brand new hour for you fucking blue-eyed, blonde-haired cunts, and we'll have a great time. From a lovely French lady.
Hey, Bill. Hello.
Bonjour. I just wanted to say, I just wanted to send a little message and hopefully have it heard that being a videographer myself, I immensely appreciate the graphic work and details and F is for family.
Oh, thank you. Such a great show on so many levels.
That's it. All the best to everyone involved with Bill in general.
And of course, Bill himself, a French fan, fan from Patty. Hey, guess what? French lady.
Femme de la Française. Lady of the France.
The show is, the animators is Gaumont, which is in France. All right.
And then of course, you know, then they farm it out to these people, big jump in, in Ottawa. That's how it works.
But you guys are part of the mix. And, um, what's great about France is if you use French animators, an animation company is is you get the government gives a little bit of money and makes it cheaper.
You know, it's a smart thing. It's like a Trump thing.
They're trying to bring fucking business, you know, into their country like Trump says he wants to do as he walks away from the Paris Agreement. It's just a hoax.
Climate change, not global warming anymore. It it's climate change just a little change in the climate um i saw some lady on tv going like you know i just i think it's good for this country that we do it because we've always been a leader in um environmental issues yes we have been a leader fucking fucking it up the most as far as i can tell if i'm to believe what the scientists are saying oh scientists with their information anyways um by the way thank you to everybody that's been watching season two the uh people have been loving it and uh you know it's a ton of goddamn work so thank god you guys enjoyed it uh or have been enjoying it please tell more people to watch it more people you tell to watch it, hopefully the more fans we get, and then they'll let us do a season three.
You know, and if not, I'll just have all kinds of free time in my life. It's kind of a win-win for me either way, people.
Either I get to continue working with these great people doing this great show or uh i'm gonna become a hell of a drummer um all right well thank you so much and i can't wait to get back to uh france at some point uh just gotta wait till the little one gets a little bit bigger um we're actually i'm i you know what i want to do i was talking this to nia i want to get like some sort of fucking uh you know French person over here right that can you know help make my daughter smart because she's got to learn from somebody I know it ain't gonna be me and she she also teaches her French and teaches us all French how great would that be my little cutie pie be over in uh France speak being fluent huh how cute would that be you know she's sitting up by herself now it's fucking amazing she has this look on her face she's like proud of herself it's the cutest thing i've ever seen in my life it's just the best i'm telling you it's the best there's no material in having a kid there really isn't other than your fear that something bad's gonna happen to him but i feel like that's been fucking done to death you know what i mean other than that it's It's been fucking phenomenal. Okay, F is for family.

Hey, Bill, I'm a big fan of your work in from Puerto Rico oh I hope you hope to see you perform someday here I watched the second season of F is for family and is great even better than the first one completely hilarious well take care and keep the good work keep up the good work how how would that work you know puerto rico is like not a state but it's one of those yet another place that we kind of uh just decided was ours um if i go on stage there do i i don't, I went on stage in Singapore, I didn't get caned,

I'm sure I'll be alright in Puerto Rico, I'd love to fucking go there, bring my wife, she can go to the fucking beach, you know, I'll be there with all the lovely ladies, all those fucking J-Los walking around, I think that would be, I could definitely be talked into that, I'd go over there and tell my fucking shit jokes, um alright

can't stop smoking cigarettes

uh I go over there and tell my fucking shit jokes um all right can't stop smoking cigarettes um all right get job on new season get job on the new season of f is for family I'm halfway through and it's hilarious I've been smoking for seven years now I'm 22 and I't stop smoking. It's really starting to affect my health and I'm sick of it.
I quit boozing and smoking weed, but I've never been able to quit smoking cigarettes. All right.
And what the fuck? How do I help you do this? I tried to replace it with weed, but it just makes me want to smoke a cigarette after alcohol gives me cravings too you used to

smoke cigars so maybe you've got some good tips i still smoke cigars to help me quit by the way you should uh you should come to minneapolis soon and play a show check out the new viking stadium it's amazing um let's see you guys yeah the twin stadium is amazing you guys are doing all right up there, as is the Wilds. The last time I went to a, what do you got up there? The Timberwolves game.
Kevin Garnett was still there, and you played in the Target Center, and that was a shithole. All right.
Well, they say quitting cigarettes is as hard as quitting heroin, so I don't know. I, I, I would try to get professional help.
I'm so happy. I never started doing that.
And, um, you know, I don't, I like, I used to smoke cigars like, you know, once every like four days or something like that. Now I smoke them like once every two weeks, sometimes three weeks.
And i really don't have the craving to do it i kind of wait for like the right time to do it like riding in a car to go over to the nba finals that felt like yeah this is a cigar fucking moment um but the way i was doing it before it was just like fucking you know of days, like, you know, having a humidor and all that type of stuff. You can really just, I don't know.
I still think I smoke too many of them. And I don't eat right when I'm on the road and I drink too much when I'm on the road.
And it's something I have, personally, I have to stop doing that um I and you know what it is it's really I find it's just developing I know people say this but it's just developing new habits like uh you know if you're eating shit food you crave shit food if you're eating salads and good stuff you crave that and um I don't know I'm a creature of habit And if it's just like every night, you know, we're going out and we're having drinks after the show, it just, your body's like, oh, now we do this. It's in like this routine.
So you kind of have to force yourself to break up your routine. And I think you just have to make a decision that you're going to be stronger than it.
Unless you have some sort of super addictive personality, like those people, and you've got to go into the Dr. Drew house or some shit like that.
I mean, I don't know what your deal is, but I would seek professional help. All right, VIP Airline.
Hey, Bill, that airline with the hot air hostesses exists. It only flies between Paris and New York.
Oh, I was talking about a VIP airline. We don't have to go on with people that are going to take their shoes off and put their feet up over the goddamn, you know, sticking between your fucking, what do they do? They're sticking between your fucking armrests and that type of thing.
Just those goddamn animals. They should just have a first class one.
They should have animal airlines and then fucking raised right airlines. So he's saying there is a VIP airline, but it only flies between Paris and New York.
It's only business class. They give you iPads, feed you chef made food and plenty of good French french wine the tickets aren't even that expensive

um treat nia to a holiday best from france well what's the name of the fucking airline you gotta give me the name of the airline dude uh now i gotta look it up oh hey i gotta tell you gotta look it up you know i got time to fucking do this will my internet even work fucking scam that that is. right uh vip airline new york to paris

come on what do you say american airlines new york to paris flights air france

the company discover paris was the unique front all all business class airline I found it It's L-A-C-O-M-P-A-G-N-I-E Dot com 1800 bucks Dude You said it was 1000 I want to see some pictures here plane trip to Paris oh wow okay I'm impressed with their little terminal there my company no dude I live in LA I live in LA so I'm not going to fucking connect through New York I'm just going to say fuck it use all my jump on a plane. Okay.
Forever in New York. That'd be a nice thing to do.
Maybe if I'm doing a gig in New York, then afterwards we can just go fly over. That's a good idea.
God damn it. That's a good fucking idea.
Who knows? I'll ask the wife about that one. You know what I mean? You know how that works.
Oh, that was a question I wanted to ask Jerry.

I forgot to do.

I wanted to ask him, dude, can you just come home with a new Porsche,

or do you have to clear it with your wife?

You know?

Can you get to a fucking, like, can you just look at her and be like,

dude, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

You know?

Look around your house.

Do you like this, this, this, this?

Echo, echo.

All right.

Heart surgeon busted for filming me taking a piss. What? this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

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this, Jesus Christ. All right.
Here we go. I heard the story on your podcast last week about the Oxford student stabbing her boyfriend in the leg with a butter knife and how she was let off easy despite her psychotic actions

i have a similar story that involved myself a little while ago i'm a musician and was playing a solo gig near some markets in the popular popular part of brisbane where the fuck is that i've been there oh that's australia uh australia that was the next thing let me sit calm i went to the next page.

It's fucking hilarious.

During one of my breaks, I went to take a leak in the public amenities. I was doing my business in one of the stalls when suddenly I noticed an iPhone slowly coming over the top of my stall to my left.
I could only see half of the phone but could tell the camera was going. Obviously, it took me by surprise and for about two seconds, my head went through a does not compute mode.
I was only halfway through taking a piss. I said, what the fuck out loud when I heard the stall next to mine open very quickly.
I looked behind me and saw a short, possibly Asian guy running. I tried to stop piss very difficult adjusted myself quickly ran and ran out after him only to find hundreds of people walking through the markets i couldn't see him anywhere i was infuriated it was infuriating my first thought was oh great now i'm going to be uploaded to some quote i love public pissing.com porn site uh I was really fucking pissed off no pun intended from this guy evidently but kind of glad I didn't catch him because I probably would have dragged him by the balls to the police and then they would charge me for assault I don't think you would because it's a guy-to-guy physical confrontation and on his phone that would be your dick.

Anyways, a few days... I don't think you would because it's a guy to guy physical confrontation.

And on his phone, it would be your dick.

Anyways, a few days later, I was telling my friend what had happened. And he said that he heard about an Asian German national being caught filming seven men in the public toilets in the same area.
And he found the article online. So it turns out this 26-year-old guy is a trainee heart surgeon on holiday in Australia celebrating his graduation from medical school.
Here's the article. What the fuck? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Well, at least he doesn't work on somebody's fucking urinary tract. I mean, he's...
He at least had's, uh, he at least had enough discipline to be like,

listen, I can't be near the dick area. I don't trust myself.
So he's up by the fucking hot.

Um, okay. This, this article is slowly, but surely opening.
What, what is the,

what is going on in the world? The judge went easy on him and didn't record a conviction because of his promising career. What the fuck? I guess if you're a doctor, you can get away with

Thank you. world.
The judge went easy on him and didn't record a conviction because of his promising career. What the fuck? I guess if you're a doctor, you can get away with anything.
What the fuck? So just because you're an elite student in this world, you get let off easy for doing really fucked up things. Apparently none of the other men filmed were aware of what he was doing.
So I called the police in the area. He was caught.
They asked me to describe what I was wearing at the time, blah, blah, blah, and said the phone was confiscated and the footage was deleted. I fucking hope so.
They also act, that was him saying that. I just gave it a great read so it sounded like me.
If I could pat myself on the back. They also asked if I wanted to press charges.
I said, fuck yes. The cop I spoke to said he would pay the pervert a visit very soon to lay the charges as the guy was due to leave the country in two days.
I called back on the day he was supposed to leave the country, but the cop said they won't be pressing charges because they had already been laid by the arresting officer and that the student had received a conviction even though the article said he hadn't. Weird.
But apparently he will never be able to enter Australia again for the rest of his life. I just think it's so fucked up that these people can get away with such disgraceful actions, especially someone like this heart surgeon who could potentially be playing with some poor guy's balls as he lays under the anesthetic.
I'd love to hear your thoughts. Well, they kind of have the guy in check because heart surgery you need other people um oh here's a guy German Torres Lidai Tran was fined 800 bucks sounds like about a hundred dollars a dick after pleading guilty to several seven counts oh seven counts seven and eight hundred so you know he's i don't know about 115 hundred yeah about 115 bucks a whack or something like that 112 bucks i don't know uh counts of recording in breach of privacy a trainee heart surgery okay this guy 26 a german national jesus christ even fucking asians if they go to germany they become sex perverts i thought it was just the germans what is it with that country they just ended the peeing and the shitting what the fuck is going on over there um so he's fined uh 800 bucks after pleading guilty to the Brisbane magistrate on Saturday on seven counts of

recording in breach of privacy

the court heard Lee

had been in Australia for a month to celebrate his

recent graduation from medical school

when he filmed the naked men on

Friday

Lee filmed seven men in the space of three hours

by holding his iPhone over the wall

of the neighboring cubicle

none of the men realized they were being filmed

Thank you. lee filmed seven men in the space of three hours by holding his iphone over the wall of the neighboring cubicle none of the men realized they were being filmed but his behavior drew the attention of south bank security who contacted police lee was arrested the police found the video of the men on his phone acting magistrate blah blah described his actions it's disgusting the offenses are disgusting the offenses are disgusting offenses involving a serious breach of the privacy of other adult males.
I can only assume the offending was for sexual gratification purposes. Lee's lawyer Kate MacArthur said her client had been accepted into cardiology unit in Germany and would fly home on January 12th.
He has a very promising career ahead of him, she said. She said her client was ashamed of his actions, but asking that a conviction not be recorded against him because it could jeopardize his career and ability to travel.
Mr. Schubert fined Lee $800 and did not record a conviction.
Wow, man. You know, that's fucked up.
That's really fucked up. That's really fucked up.
And am I crazy to think that because these, these actions are against men, you know, something happens to a guy. It's just not as serious.
I don't think, you know, I just think that's, I don't know. Either people are like, ah, you know, they think it's funny.
Like if this is the thing, if a, if a woman told another woman, that's some woman, I guess was filming and they'd be like, what the fuck? My bank, no wait, maybe because it was a woman though. But last week was a woman.
She had, she stabbed the guy with the knife. Maybe it isn't any of these issues.
Maybe it's just, if you're, listen, if you want to get away with shit and you don't want to be a banker or be in an insurance company, then I would say get into, have a promising medical career in front of you. Evidently, that just absolves you of everything.
That's really upsetting. All right, let's, let's, you want to, and the only way to follow up that upsetting story is the only thing I know that's more upsetting than somebody filming another man peeing without him knowing is me reading out loud.

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It's a fucking wrap. All right.
All right. So what do we got here? What do I got left to talk about? Oh, how about the fucking Nashville Predators making it a series, winning game three, i hope the cavaliers do what i still believe the cavaliers can do despite the fact i'm not gonna get back into that again um the predators win game three i saw a little bit of it i was working that night and uh i actually saw when they went ahead two one and then1.
Was that the game? I can't remember. So here we go.
I mean, from what I've heard, they've been outplaying the Penguins at at least two out of the three games. So maybe they'll tie it up and maybe someone like myself will get what I want, which is a nice seven game series, a nice classic.
So that game's tonight. I will definitely be watching and uh this week, this week, oh, Billy Redface.
I'm going to be on Howard Stern on Wednesday. Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday.
My triumphant return. I've not been on that show since, I believe, 2003.
I did it twice in one month. I thought I was an in guy, and I never got another invite.
So I'm finally coming back. You know, I'm psyched, psyched to finally come back onto the show.
So please listen on Wednesday. And that's it.
That's the podcast. Thank you for listening.
And really, man, no joke. Thank you to everybody who's been watching F is for family, telling people about it, and then also taking the time to let me know how much you're enjoying it.
It's really been one of the great weeks of my life, I have to be honest with you. No jokes or anything.
Thank you guys for watching it. Please continue to tell people about it because we know what we want to do in season three.
We just have to wait for Netflix to give us the green light. And they give us the green light by you guys watching it and talking about it online, which you guys are doing.
So I can't thank you enough. And that's it.
Thank you to everybody at Clusterfest. I had a great time.
Thank you to the city of San Francisco. Thank you to the Warriors for still playing in the Oracle, you know, great fucking old.
Oh, you know, it's funny when I did that Seinfeld interview, I, I jokingly said that this, this venue feels like an old ABA arena. And evidently the old San Francisco Warriors used to play there.
So I felt pretty good about calling that one. Um, all right, but you're overstaying.
You overstaying you're welcome okay go fuck yourselves i'll check in on you on thursday and that's it let's go calves come on man if you beat the fucking warriors with all their accoutrements that they added all of that fucking juggernaut of a goddamn team walking around thumping themselves in the chest as if what they're doing. I've said this for fucking ever, and I'll say it the last time.
When you were a little kid on the playground and you were choosing up teams, even little kids knew when it was getting too, when it was, no, no, no, no, this is not going to be, there's no competition here. Even as kids, you knew this.
The Warriors are doing right now, they're doing something that even children know are wrong. Even children would break that up.
You know what I really think it is? I think Stern left the NBA. Maybe that's what it is.
Maybe he would have stepped in. Who knows? I always thought that that guy was shady.
I do know this. Without a doubt, Cleveland's going to win a fucking game because the NBA does not make money nearly as much money on a four game series versus 5, 6, 7 so at some point I'm looking for them to fucking just start calling everything on the Warriors but then again I am a fucking conspiracy theory fucking freak I don't know I still feel like the Cavs have not played their best game yet alright I'm going to say they're going to win game 3 fuck it I'm putting it out there Alright? Go fuck yourselves, I'll't know.
I still feel like the Cavs have not played their best game yet. All right? I'm going to say they're going to win game three.
Fuck it. I'm putting it out there.
All right? Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you on Thursday.
Oh, beauty, talent, fame, money, we find my top skill and brain. But all the things you try to hide will be revealed on the other side.
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