Boston, Silencers, Alligators | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-29-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm

just checking in on you.

Oh, what's going on?

Oh, Billy Freckles has got to go to the big gay gym.

Back on it.

I went up to fucking Boston for Memorial Day, dude.

Went up there, visited some family and friends.

I can't remember if I told you this on Monday or not.

And then did my usual,

you know, food spots.

I got some Chinese food.

I got some pizza.

I went to the north end.

I got myself a fucking cappuccino.

Walked around.

Tried to walk around a bunch of areas where I hadn't been before.

I usually go over to that place, Polkaris, for coffee.

The great Tony V told me about that place, but it just didn't work out.

It opened at 11, and I was down there too early.

Then I found another place, a breakfast place,

that had the most ridiculous steak and eggs.

I mean, it's like they gave you two steaks.

They were fucking, I didn't order them.

Somebody next to me ordered them.

I was like, fuck, I should have got that.

Should have got that.

There should be a rule that, you know, you go to a restaurant.

And if somebody next to you orders something better than you ordered, you know, if you think you can take them, you guys should be able to fight for the meal.

You know, and whoever wins,

still at, you got to pay for the meal.

You get the meal, but you pay for the other guy has to eat what you ordered.

That's perfect.

You kicked his ass, and then

you paid for his meal like you made him your girlfriend.

This is totally emasculating.

I mean, just imagine the excitement that that would bring to the dining experience.

And if you have the right to refuse the fight, but if you turn down the fight,

you have to pick up your plate and everybody in the restaurant, as you walk, you have to eat it outside.

And as you walk out, everybody just goes, everybody chants, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame.

And you go outside and you fucking eat it.

And then you have to serve a three-month suspension for being a pussy and not accepting the fight.

You can't can't go back to the restaurant, you know, in a three-month suspension.

And then it'd be funny for women, right?

If they, you know, if you get into a new relationship

and oh, I want to go, you know, restaurant I want to try, and then you have to be like, Yeah, I can't go there.

I can't go.

What do you mean you can't go there?

I don't want to talk about it.

Did you turn down a fight?

I don't want any shameful cock in my fucking

life.

Then the person's like, Oh, is that all it is to you, huh?

Fighting over food?

What about what's inside?

Where are you going?

That would be amazing.

I don't know if that's the stupidest thing I just said or a hit reality TV show.

It's like that UFC show,

The Ultimate Fighter

meets Anthony Bourdain.

Parts unknown, is that what it's called, or something like that?

Fights unknown.

Because you had no idea you were going to get into a fight, and you have no idea who you're fighting.

People, it's just an idea.

But this, this right here,

this is how creativity works.

It starts with a ridiculously stupid idea that you pursue, and that eventually you fucking whittle it down to something that the masses can accept.

Because even if we got that thing greenlit, you know all of of these fucking people would come, like, what are we, what are we doing?

Like, what are we saying?

What are we promoting?

What are we encouraging with this TV show?

It is amazing how, like,

not thinking is the way

people above you make money.

Like, the more you don't think, the more they make money.

It's really funny.

And then simultaneously, every dumbass thinks they have the answers now.

Like, supremely confident.

Like,

if you're sitting here right now and you're standing or walking on a treadmill, whatever the fuck it is you're doing,

and you kind of feel good about your worldview, like, you know, I think I got it figured out.

That's because you're dumb.

If you were smart, you would be looking at it going like, you know what, there is no fucking way all the information, all the variables I would possibly need to be able to fix this fucking problem, I could get into my tiny fucking brain.

That's an intelligent thought.

And then you press forward anyway, because what the fuck else are you going to do?

It's on your shoulders, right?

Because you actually have the job.

You're being paid to try and solve the fucking problem.

Because you passed a bunch of fucking tests.

You got the degrees and the fucking interviews, the job interviews, and they were like, We like what we see here, right?

That's how it used to work.

And you had to be white.

Let's be honest with you.

That's how, that's how it's, it's still kind of how it works, right?

Racism.

Oh, what is this?

You fucking woke shit.

How fucking dumb are those people?

The mean girls.

The mean girls of America.

Fucking angry white males.

It's the funniest fucking shit ever.

This whole thing that's set up for me isn't working for me.

Well, why do you think?

Why is that?

Aside from the fact that you're a fucking dumbass, your own people are the ones fucking you.

It's not Mexicans jumping over a wall, you fucking moron.

I would guess it's the person with the power power and the money that's fucking you, not somebody without even two nickels in his fucking pockets.

Let me ask you a question.

If you had no fucking money as a white person, all right, and you ran through the woods and made it up to Canada,

and then you got to Canada and everybody started saying how fucked up Canada was and they blamed you.

And you say, I'm from Minneapolis, man.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I had to walk around Lake Superior.

I had to swim Lake Superior.

I'm here.

I'm ready to work, man.

You're the reason Calgary,

it's all fucked up now.

This place was fucked up before I got here.

I literally just got here.

I just got here.

I don't have any money.

I got nothing.

I got no money.

I got no pussy.

I lost one of my shoes.

You're the reason I can't buy a house.

Anyway, plowing ahead.

Plowing ahead.

Yeah, there are,

yeah, the mean girls, the mean girls, just, they get all fucking, you know.

It's unreal.

The fucking mean girls.

And the mean girls have come into my business now.

It's fucking unbelievable to put upon white guys.

It's just, it's so fucking hard, man.

It's just, you know, you guys don't understand the struggle.

All right.

Anyway,

the New York Knicks, Indiana Pacers,

game FOA,

two games to one.

The Knicks need to go in there and tie it up and drag him back to New York.

Drag him into the deep water of a seven-game series.

But the Indiana Pacers showed up.

They came to play.

held basically a seven-point lead the entire game.

I watched the second half.

It's now three games to one.

Fucking

Indiana Pacers.

Um,

yeah, so now, like, the Knicks now have got themselves in a situation where they have to do uh,

I don't know with basketball, why it's so difficult.

Three games to one is not difficult in hockey.

It's happened in baseball.

Three games to zero has happened in baseball.

Well, we're not going to bring that up.

Or are we?

But for some reason, three games to one in basketball, it's really difficult to come back.

And I don't know why.

I don't know enough about the game to tell why.

So they are in a fucking hole.

All right.

But

this is what is amazing about a seven-game series.

So they got that three days down, three games to one.

They're laying down the bottom of the hole, fucking looking up.

How the fuck do we get out of here?

How do you get out of here?

You win game five.

And then all of a sudden, it's three games to two, and instantly they're one game away from fucking tying it up.

And holy fucking shit, we could blow this.

It's unreal.

The seven-game series, the pressure is on whatever team just lost the last game, the whole fucking series.

I don't care what it is.

It could be three games to none.

If they win game four, you're going to game five.

You're like, dude, we got to close this out.

Three games to one at that point.

You're still pretty comfortable.

But I still think you're thinking, like, but we can't go 3-2 because if we go down, they come back 3-2, then they're looking at tying it up all of a sudden.

What the fuck happened?

So.

The only upside of the Knicks being down three games to one

is the level that their fan base shuts the fuck up after Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, because they have been coming after every victory.

Hey, fuck, Boston, fuck it, fuck it, fuck, boss.

I mean,

I mean, I'm not going to lie to you.

I've been destroying them, but they bring it on themselves.

All they have is that first, hey, fuck it, fuck, Boston, bacon, egg, and cheese, or roll, please.

That's all they got.

And then you just go, you guys haven't won since Richard Nixon.

You won a second round.

And then they just implode.

I know, man.

You know, I'm just fucking around.

So it's like, no, you're not.

You're being a cunt.

This is what they do.

Bill, can you sign my playbill?

And then I sign their playbill and I give it to them.

But

I can't say that all Knick fans are like that because I don't think most Knick fans go to a Broadway show.

That has been my favorite thing to say when the Knicks win a game and then somebody after the show, hey, what'd you think about those fucking Knicks tonight?

I always just go, You're a Knicks fan?

Yeah, yeah, my Knicks fan's like, No, you're not.

They had a playoff game tonight.

You went to a fucking Broadway show.

Oklahoma weather, something, something, ta-da-da-da.

To dream the impossible dream.

You went to go see cats.

You boys are playing down the fucking street, buddy.

You went to the wrong venue.

You didn't notice?

Everyone's a little bit racist.

It's true.

I forgot I saw that one.

Avenue, was it Avenue Q, Avenue A?

Whatever.

That was a fucking, that was a fucking great musical.

It had puppets and everything, and it was funny as hell.

Um, anyway,

what am I doing here?

How much time have I?

How much time have I babbled?

Um,

yeah, so OKC closed out Minnesota.

This is the most sports I've been able to watch.

Now that

I just sort of come home after the play, I did do stand-up last night, but I just sort of come home after the play, and

I just put on, I catch like the second half of the first game, and I watch the first half of the late game, and then I fall asleep.

But

yeah, OKC made quick work of the Minnesota Timberwolves.

The Florida Marchans made it to the Stanley Cup final.

Very excited about that.

I would love to see Brad get another one.

That would be fucking great.

And

I'm all right that he's doing it with Florida.

I get the whole business of it.

It's like he wanted another big contract and we had to rebuild.

And by the time we rebuilt, he was going to be like 39 years old.

It just made sense.

And I think obviously we could have gotten more for the guy, but I also think the Bruins did him a solid and traded him to

a team like Florida because I think, you know, any other team or whatever they could have fucking,

you know, that wasn't going anywhere, we could have got a lot more for him.

So it kind of sucks for us, but like, I think we owed that to Brad.

personally.

So I'm rooting for him.

This is a very familiar situation for me.

This is like, you know,

Florida, you know, I know you don't like the liberal East Coast, but how about giving us a shout out?

We gave you Tom Brady.

Boston gave you Tom Brady.

And now we gave you Brad Marchand.

How about a little fucking,

why don't you fucking tip

your crocodile fucking alligator sandwich, you know, with barbecue sauce.

Tastes like chicken.

No, it doesn't.

It doesn't.

It doesn't.

None of those meats taste like chicken.

They taste like chicken.

That, like, is this going bad?

Like, when did you buy this chicken?

That's the closest it tastes to chicken.

I had alligator when I was in Jacksonville, Florida, because what else are you going to do?

Huh?

Hit on some 300-pound waitress at an Applebee's.

It's either that or an alligator sandwich.

As far as I could tell, I wasn't there a long time.

No disrespect, Jacksonville.

I'm kidding.

I had a great time when I went to Jacksonville.

Last time I went down there,

last two times I had a great time.

First time I went down with Versey, I was still drinking.

Drinking again.

Oh, baby, I'm drinking again.

Thinking of times

that I was with you.

Playing the clown.

Maybe that song by Sinatra, Drinking Again.

That was the soundtrack of my 40s.

And thinking of

when you loved me,

I'm hanging around

just being a cunt

on this stool.

I forget how the lyrics go.

Anyway,

I went down there with Ferzi,

did some shows.

I think at the comedy zone, we got hammered.

We went to a gun range.

We shot some guns.

Oh, that was a time the guy showed up.

You know, people in Florida are so into guns.

This guy showed up with like a briefcase that had guns in it.

You know, like he was fucking James Bond.

Like, who the fuck are you assassinating?

Is that an, I can never say this word,

attache case?

Why do you look like you're going to buy out a corporation?

You just pulled out a fucking pistol, right?

So he opens the fucking thing up.

Dude, I got to tell you something right now.

Going to the gun range is one of the most reckless fucking things you could ever fucking do.

Ever fucking do.

Everybody's just showing up and you're just trusting that everybody there is sane.

And people just show up and they just pull out a fucking loaded gun right next to you.

And you're like, okay.

We're still shooting the targets, right?

Yep.

And you're so fucking focused shooting your paper guy.

You don't know what the guy on either side of you is doing.

You have no fucking idea.

You got no fucking idea what they're going through.

That was my thought.

So he opens up the fucking briefcase, the attache case.

Attache.

Attache.

Surprisingly, never named a band that name.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Attache

from Jacksonville, Florida, baby.

He opens the fucking thing up

and he opened it up.

He said, hey, he goes, you're that comedian guy.

Well, what's your name?

I said, Bill Burr.

He goes, oh, yeah, hey, you're Bill Burr.

I said, yeah.

I go, are those silencers?

He goes, yeah.

And he goes, and you're going to shoot one.

So then he gives me the gun.

He just hands me a fucking, this is Jacksonville, Florida.

These people are crazy.

He just hands me a fucking loaded gun.

Like, I grew up on the East Coast.

Somebody hands you a loaded gun.

Like, what am I doing?

Am I in fucking a

not apocalypse deer hunter?

Mow.

Like, what am I supposed to fucking do with this, right?

So he hands me this thing

and I shot it.

And I was really disappointed with Hollywood.

Hollywood's been telling a lie about what a silencer sound like.

You know?

They always have that cool sound that pew, pew, pew, makes it sound like that.

It doesn't.

It doesn't.

It sounds like a piece of metal hitting a piece of metal, just quietly.

It's like a pink.

I don't know.

I don't want to.

I just kept, if you had like a little ball bearing, right?

And you had it in a metal cylinder

and just say the cylinder was maybe about three inches, right?

Like you cook, right?

And it's at the bottom.

and you just flipped it over and it and it went down to the other side, that noise.

It would be like that.

So if you were a light sleeper

and someone was in your house killing other people down the hall, you could possibly hear it.

It's not like

the neighbors aren't going to hear it.

That's the thing.

But you're going to wake up somebody in the house.

Carl?

Is that you?

Right?

It's loud enough that it might stir a light sleeper.

Because you know how fucking loud shit is at night in your house.

It's unreal.

Like

when the sun is out and everybody's up, somebody walks across the living room downstairs.

You can't fucking hear it.

Three in the fucking morning,

you're coming in hammered,

closing down a hooter's, right?

Can't believe they're going out of business, man.

This is fucking Joe Biden's fault.

Shit, right?

And then you fucking come home to your fucking

living room.

All of a sudden, it's like there's no place for you to step.

You take like three steps, and then your wife's like at the top of the stairs.

You're just getting in now.

You didn't call?

I thought you'd be asleep.

I was asleep, but I was worried about you in my dreams.

That doesn't seem possible, honey.

Are you calling me a lot?

You know what?

She fucking sleep on the couch.

And then you to like hide the joy on your face where you're like, Yes, making me a sandwich, watching Sports Center,

you know,

put on a little 700 club.

You remember the 700 club?

That guy with the squinty eyes,

just ball washing Jesus every day like he fucking knew him.

I do know him.

I read the Bible.

And I'm very familiar with everything that Jesus.

I'm not like a radio Jesus fan.

I can go deep cut Jesus.

Sure, we all know about the fish.

Yeah, we know about the bread.

Oh my God, if I hear about him walking on the water again, that is literally Jesus' stairway to heaven.

How many fucking times can you hear it?

All right.

I like deep cut.

Deep cut, like gone shooting, second side of power rage,

Jesus.

You guys didn't know that, did you?

Jesus invented the pistol.

What the fuck are you talking about, man?

That's blasphemy.

But wait a minute.

I like guns.

Did Jesus have an attache case with some silencers in them, too?

I actually, this is going to be crazy, but I maintain that Jesus is actually from Jacksonville, Florida.

Oh, so I forgot the rest of that story.

So then I went,

and we believe the locals that alligator tasted like chicken, and it was fucking gross.

It tasted like a reptile.

It looked like undercooked chicken,

is what I would say.

God damn, those things are just like,

they're just fucking killing machines.

I feel like sharks.

are like,

you know,

as far as predators go, they're like as known as much as like the Foo Fighters,

red-hot chili peppers, or like fucking Oasis, right?

Like people, like,

like sharks could sell out an arena.

You know what I mean?

Like, when you go to an aquarium, that's the big fucking thing.

If they have sharks, people are like, oh, fuck, it's a shark.

I'll tell you what.

I've been to a bunch of aquariums and I've never been afraid of the sharks.

I've looked at them.

I mean, other than like, wow, look at that fucking thing, right?

But I've been to some of those alligator farms in Florida.

Fuck that.

The whole fucking time you're there, that's all you're thinking about is that thing fucking eat.

Those things do not.

First of all, they're always hungry, right?

They have the munchies, like

I think weed has always been legal with the fucking alligators.

Those things, anything you throw in the water, they fucking go in and they fucking eat it.

Now some PETA person's going to come on and be like, that's because they underfeed them.

So when they throw it in there, there's a feeding frenzy.

That's just for you, the tourists.

Animals are not entertainment.

They have just as much right as you do.

I understand that.

And I agree with that.

However, if some fucking lunatic caught 100 of them and he's throwing them full chickens, I want to see him eat them.

I can get that for $16.

Right?

And a crazy hat that said, I fucking went there and saw him eat a chicken.

I went to Al's alligator farm and watched him eat a full fucking chicken.

Jesus fucking Christ.

What is the acid in those things' stomachs that they could just eat fucking things, bones and all?

Yeah, terrifying.

fucking terrifying by the way is was anybody following that kid on instagram sailing from oregon to fucking hawaii

and he made it with his cat phoenix

um

that's one of the most compelling things i've i've

ever seen i cannot fucking believe he did that

and my thing is like

How do you like

navigate or like what what level of a storm if a storm is coming?

Because he ran into a few storms.

How do you judge?

Like,

like, I know in aviation, there's, there's, there's the envelope of performance, so that it has to be the same way in a boat, where it gets to the point where the waves are too fucking big, you have to, you have to get out of there.

Like, um,

if I'm flying a

helicopter there with my attache case, um,

you know, if I'm going, I always check the winds, right?

And there's a certain level of wind.

I'm not flying in that shit.

That's where it's not fun.

It's not uncomfortable.

And it's kind of beating on the helicopter.

And then there's another level where it's just like, that would just fucking knock me out of the sky.

I'm too fucking light.

So there has to be that

with the, oh my God.

I got to tell you, the ocean is fucking terrifying.

However,

I'm a big fan of a fucking water taxi.

I will get on a fucking water taxi in a second.

I don't like, for some reason,

you know what?

Because they're fast and they're going from point A to fucking point B.

I don't like a chatter.

Dude, we chatted a boat.

That just sounds like the beginning of seven missing people.

Seven people have gone missing down in Hyenasport after chartering a 21-foot, the last radio call.

Oh, fuck that.

Fuck that.

Fuck that.

And as the boat starts going down and you feel that first water touching your ankles and you're going like, oh my God,

am I an unnamed person on the news that has gone missing on a charter?

Dude, we went down to fucking Mashpee and we chatted a boat.

Dude, Massachusetts has the funniest fucking names:

Mashpee,

Swamp Scott,

Chickope, Drake,

Worcester,

Hyannis.

They just, everything about it is just fucking ridiculous.

But I love it, and I love the food.

And I had a great fucking time when I was there.

My Boston accent came back a little bit.

I was making my lovely wife laugh her ass off.

I just kept videoing things that were like extremely Boston.

Like when I was, I went to the North End outside this clothing shop.

They had like this fucking,

I don't know what color it was.

It was somewhere between maroon and pink, like golf shirt tucked into these gray slacks shorts.

Like this, this is their flagship, like.

outfit that's gonna bring you in

so i was just filming it doing like the Boston accent.

Dude, we got a fucking 8 a.m.

Tea time.

Crush a couple of fucking bud lights before we get out there.

Dude, do you know one of my friends from back in the day?

I hung out with him and he was on his way down to the Caribbean.

Or is it the Caribbean?

The Caribbean.

I don't know.

I avoid that part of the world.

Even though I know it's gorgeous, I just don't have the lack of pigment.

So he told me that he had one check bag, and in that check bag was a case of Bud Light.

I go,

you're putting a case of beer in your check bag.

He goes, yeah, he goes, we've been there wherever they were going.

He's like, we've been there before.

They don't have Bud Light.

I'm like, all right, well, why don't you just drink the fucking local beer they have down there?

He just sort of smiled.

He goes, yeah, you know,

I like button light.

It's just so fucking funny.

That's just fucking Massachusetts logic.

Oh yeah, dude, one of those bags just has my beer.

Fucking case to the head, kid.

You know?

Fuck I care.

I'm going to be down there in my fucking maroon slash pink fucking pullover with my fucking slack shorts looking sharp.

Crushing Bud Lights, all the locals.

Where the fuck did you get those?

Hey, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

How you doing?

Anyway, that's the podcast.

I'm looking forward to the NBA and Stanley Cup final.

Finals and final.

It's the NBA finals and it's the Stanley Cup final.

I finally got that down.

After all these years, there's people going, it's the Stanley Cup final.

There's not more than one of them.

Well, we also have a league called the NBA, and they call it the finals.

So you fuck up every once in a while.

All right.

All right, you fucking syrup getting cunt.

Did the Edmonton Oilers make it to the Stanley Cup final?

I don't know.

I got to look that up.

I don't know what's going on in the Western Conference.

That's the late late game.

All right.

And old Billy Oldface has to fucking go to bed before that game concludes.

That would be great if Edmonton got in there.

Then it would be a win-win.

Either I get to see Brad Marchand win a cup or Canada wins their first cup in 32 fucking years.

I was 25 the last time they won.

Canada won a cup.

I'm about to be 57.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

I'll tell you what's crazy.

When I was 18 years old, June 10th, 1986, I went to the Celtics parade.

The last one that Larry Legend got.

Kevin McHale, Robert Parrish, Dennis Johnson, rest his soul.

Danny, home, home on the age.

Sorry, I like to go Chris Berman every once in a while.

All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

Go fuck yourselves.

Have a great weekend, you cunts.

Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Thumbless.

And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

I'm a Thursday a few years ago.

All right, see.

Oh, God said to Abraham, kill me a son.

Ape said, man, you must be putting me on.

God said, No, ape say what.

God said, You can do what you want, ape.

But

next time you see me coming, you better run.

Well, Abe said, where do you want this killing done?

God said, on down highway 61.

Well, Georgia Sam, he hit a bloody nose.

Well, fed in Popper, they wouldn't give him no clothes.

He asked for Howard, where can I go?

Howard said there's only one place I know.

Sam said, tell me quick, man, I got to run.

Oh, Howard just pointed with his gun and said that way down highway 61.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burn.

It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, Monday, Monday,

May 29th, 2017.

What's going on?

How are you?

How you guys doing?

happy memorial day

happy memorial day

when you're supposed to be out there remembering the troops you're gonna be getting hammered

and saying bad shit to your wife that you later have to apologize for what's going on you fucking soon-to-be fat fucks

Huh?

You got the you got the grill going

right

We got a little kilbash

What are you guys making today?

Huh?

What fucking animal had to get the old right there, Fred?

You know, in an uppercut to another one, you fucking sewed them together.

What in God's name do you have on your grill right now that you know you fucking...

What'd you put in there?

A bunch of cheese?

Who wants cheese on their burger?

Come on, these things are going to fucking burn.

Karen!

Oh, you know what's the best?

You put the buns on.

That's that's the, you know, you keep checking, you keep checking, but you're looking at the meat.

Don't want to burn the buns.

Oh, Christ, they burned this wine.

That's all right.

I'll eat that one.

I like it when it's burned.

Oh, I bet she swallows.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Why, Bill?

Why?

Why did you have to take the nice family day that this is?

You know?

That the great men of this country fought so you could go out there, you know, work slowly, work your way, take another step towards a fucking massive coronary.

How many people are going to face plant to their grill today?

Via too much alcohol,

you know,

just eating that last thing that fucking makes the ticker stop or, you know, the classic old fucking middle-aged man

injury, the fucking blown out Achilles.

You know?

Oh, did you say you wanted pickles and you just turned a little too fast and pow, that shit goes right up the back of your leg?

Then you face plant right into your fucking grill.

Side of the face.

Right?

Oh, look who it is.

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You'd be surprised.

I bet if I could somehow get some sort of live,

you know, phoners in here, I bet my phone lines would be lighting up right now with paramedics, fire department people, people that drive ambulances.

Is the driver of the ambulance, do you actually have to know how to help people, or you're just like the guy, the getaway driver?

You know, all you need to do is know how to turn on the siren.

You know, be able to block it out.

Do you think ambulance drivers hear that siren at night as they lay in their quiet bedroom?

You know, they probably have to put fucking music on because they don't.

They're just laying there and all they hear is

slowly going insane.

I don't know.

I'm in a great fucking mood.

You know?

My lovely little lady is starting to sleep through the night.

I'm starting to get some sleep again.

Dude, she's hilarious.

She just does this thing now.

She's trying out her voice.

She just goes,

like

loud as shit

laying in the bed in the morning between me and Nia just

it's like fucking a little mini Jerry Lewis

the entire time it's

so I just put my hand over her mouth and I just make I just make it go like

and then she kind of like looks around like what the fuck was that

And that stops her for about four seconds before she starts again.

And then she gets used to the noise.

And then that's it.

She's starting to crawl.

She's fucking moving backwards.

It's funny.

Like, I guess they move backwards first.

So it's like the thing that they want, it just keeps getting further and further away.

Like that Alfred Hitchcock shot.

But,

anyways, I had family from back east out here this weekend, which means plenty of booze, plenty of fucking crazy food.

So I've been doing the elliptical every day.

Doing what I can.

But, you know, this is like at this point, everybody who's going to come out here has come out here.

They've all seen her.

They all love her.

And what's awesome is now I don't have to.

I realize now when people visit me, they're not coming to see me, which is fucking awesome.

They're coming to see her.

Oh, hey, Bill, how you doing?

Where is she?

Where is she?

Oh, would you look at her?

Look at her.

It's great.

And you just peel off in the back, you know.

All your family members come over and then they all get to hold her and stuff, you know, so then you get to sit there boozing in the corner.

Happy holidays.

No, it's been great.

She's awesome.

She's so awesome.

I'm not getting any fucking material out of it.

Everyone was telling me, oh my God, you're having a kid.

I can't wait for you to become a dad.

Oh, my God.

I want to see how your act changes.

It hasn't.

I'm still paranoid.

I'm still filthy.

And my daughter's awesome.

So,

you know, that's not funny.

Hey, Bill, what's like being a dad?

It's great.

It's phenomenal.

I think most of my material is just about other fucking lunatic parents.

I'm telling you what, I'm going to start saying to people when they go, oh, oh, she's, oh, yeah, that's a great age.

Oh, wait, wait till three days from now.

Then, oh, oh, you don't.

She's going to turn off.

She'll fucking start stabbing you in the night.

You know, I'm going to start saying to those parents, I'm just going to be like, you know,

you sound like a horrible father, and I think you married the wrong person.

Have a nice day.

How you could look at this experience in a negative way is fucking...

Look, if you're broke, if you're a kid, if you're a fucking high school student, right?

And, you know, you started banging your goddamn English teacher,

and

you didn't know enough to pull out.

As much as they told you in sex education, how much, you know, how a baby's made, you couldn't fucking believe you were banging your English teacher.

And then next thing you know, you're gonna be a fuck.

Yeah, then, then it's brutal, you know?

You're married to this fucking old broad who's always correcting your fucking sentences.

You know?

You're calling her out for dressing like a whore and she's fucking giving you shit for a dangling participle.

Whatever the fuck.

I never knew what that meant.

The past participle.

Bill, what's the past participle of this sentence?

I don't know.

Just send me to summer school.

Just give me, get me in that fucking distilled version of this class that is nothing, that dream team of class clowns that is summer school, drug addicts, and musicians.

It was just fucking tremendous.

Summer school, underrated.

I tell you, I went, I did it twice.

I should have done it all four years of high school, but I blew off the last year because what was the fucking point?

My sophomore year, my teacher hooked me up and gave me the D-minus

D-minus in geometry.

I fucking had a great time.

I had a great time.

I had to take one class.

You know, got me out of bed in the morning.

And summer school was combined like three towns where I lived.

And it was

all the class clowns, just like I said, creative people.

Everybody had ADD.

And the level of shit that they gave to the teacher, I was like, wow, I got to up my game.

These people are on a whole nother level.

It's like when you go to jail, you become like a better criminal.

I became a better class clown.

Just sitting there like, wow, these guys are fucking,

these guys have no intention of going to college.

I'm at least still lying to myself.

Yeah, I think I could, you know,

I think I could go in the later rounds.

If you were a fucking draft pick, be honest with yourself, you're a high school student, what round are you going in?

You know?

And if you really think about it, that's why Bill Belichick,

he doesn't like the first round draft picks, because the first round draft picks, they're like BookSmart, right?

They're the fucking nerds.

You know, you give give them some information, they'll memorize it, and they'll spit it right back at you, right?

There's no passion.

They don't walk into a room and light it up.

This is a bad analogy, because first-round draft picks do, I guess, do they?

I don't know about college basketball now with everybody one and done.

You bring this fucking kid into a locker room full of men, and you're going to put the team on his back,

bony fucking legs.

Well, Bill, what are they supposed to do?

A lot of them, you know, it's like their mothers, you know, they need a new kidney, and

the shack they live in is falling apart.

Okay, fair enough.

Fair enough.

You know, but selfishly as a fan, you know, you miss the days when somebody had four years with fucking Coach K or Dean Smith, rest his soul.

Bobby Knight flipping him in the chin.

Stop looking down on the ground, you fucking marry.

I've told that before.

Let me tell you how much I fucking love that Bobby Knight speech where he says, you know,

I'm not going to walk around with a 14 to 28 record.

I don't know what it is about that guy.

I listened to that speech and it makes me want to go fucking.

I don't know.

I'll go to the gym after listening to that guy.

Something happened, you know, when that guy got ran out of town.

That was, that was a, you know, then all of a sudden, like

guys steered into just literally being pussies, like fucking wearing shirts with cats on them and stuff.

You know?

My wife was showing me that like there's a men's onesie that's out there now that guys are wearing.

I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding.

Like when is it gonna stop?

When is it gonna steer back to testosterone?

When is the guy's guy going to make a comeback?

I mean, everything makes a comeback, right?

Classic rock.

disco, hair metals making a little bit of a comeback.

I don't fucking, you know,

I just don't get it.

So then somebody showed me, well, they were like, well, Sean Connery wore one

in one of the James Bond movies.

And it's like, all right, but he wasn't wearing it like he thought it looked good.

He wasn't wearing it because it was fucking stupid.

You know?

That's what I can't fucking stand.

Everything's like mocking something else.

It's like, all right, so what do you believe in?

What are you going to fucking sign your name to?

And these fucking millennial cunts,

I can't say all of them.

That's not fair to a whole generation.

But so the ones that at least they're taking pictures of.

Okay, which granted, most of these pictures are being taken care of, taken by older people from my generation who are jealous of younger people.

That's what a lot of it is, I bet.

I bet I'm overreacting.

When I really think about it, I don't really see a lot of people with cats on their shirts.

Although when they do, people take pictures of them, then they post them on social media, and then old fucks like me start going, oh, look at these fucking millennials.

Bad, they're fucking.

All right, so scratch all of that.

I mean, really, Bill,

have you seen anybody with a onesie?

Somebody just showed you a picture and then you literally started freaking out like you watched CNN or Fox News for two hours.

That's always a great thing to do.

Watch those for a couple, two, three hours.

They get you all panicked.

What you want to do is you want to switch between the two of them, right?

And then you balance out the lies lies and you keep yourself level-headed.

You know?

Fake news.

It's all fake news.

So anyways, I don't want to be like that.

I want to be that guy, okay?

God bless you, millennials.

I'm sure there's plenty of guys, guys, on the way.

You're out there fucking crushing ass, and God bless you.

Joy your youth.

Joy your fucking youth.

Before it's Memorial Day, and suddenly you're that guy with the dad bod standing in front of the grill, feeling that tightness in your Achilles.

You know?

And you got to reach for that last burger on the back of the grill,

and you just start feeling that tightness in your ankle, and you're like, God, if it's gonna happen, please don't let it happen now,

not in front of my family back eased.

Um,

nobody has guessed the movie, by the way, that I am referring to.

We had problems with the family back east.

Uh, this I was gonna say, I'd give you a hint, but this isn't really a hint.

And in my opinion, that movie

it's a car movie.

For me, I just feel like that movie's a car movie.

Other people thought there was some philosophical question.

You know, who's the fly?

Who's the windshield?

All I remember from that movie was, I love the car

because I love a fucking sleeper.

I remember the car that was a sleeper, and then I just remembered that there was this one guy who was having problems with the family back east.

And that explained his entire fucking backstory.

That's it.

Now, if you guys can't guess it now, I don't know what the fuck.

I don't know what to tell you.

All right, they had a fucking pizza.

Papa!

Yeah, can I get a

sausage and a rugula?

Yeah, we got no arugula.

Oh, you don't have any arugula?

Yeah, we had family, we had problems with the family back east.

They won't give us a rugla.

Anyway, so what'd you guys do this weekend, other than sit around?

You know what I did?

I watched,

somebody tweeted me on the old Twitter and told me, Are you watching the time trials for Monaco?

And here's the thing: I, you know, I'm new to F1,

as you guys know.

I can barely remember the fucking names.

So I'm like,

I had no idea how they qualify for a race.

I just thought

you get like five laps around the track.

Whoever has the best time gets the pole position, and then they just work their way back.

But that is not how it works.

It's like a whole other day of racing.

Because I always wonder, why the fuck do people show up to watch these

qualifying?

I mean, just watch some guy by himself out there.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

he's gonna be in eighth place tomorrow.

Um, that's not how it works.

It is the race before the race, and it's like there's three race.

So, there's three levels of the qualifying.

There's like, first of all, there's practice laps to get you used to the track.

And if you don't do the practice laps, you're not allowed to race.

So, obviously, there's probably some safety thing.

Like, dude, you're not just going to fucking go out there and start driving 200 miles an hour.

Is this next one a right or a left turn?

Shit!

Qualifying.

Okay, so there's like three rounds of it.

So qualifying, the first round one, it's like match madness, but with guys,

it lasts for 18 minutes.

Everybody gets on the fucking track.

I'm sure they, I don't know, they let six out, then another six.

I don't know how the fuck they do it.

I missed that part of it, okay?

But it lasts for 18 minutes.

At the end of which time, can you tell I'm reading this?

The six slowest drivers are eliminated from qualifying

and 16 advance to QT, the qualifying two.

So those six are going to be, and I thought, oh my god, are they out of the fucking race?

Is this like golf where you miss the cut?

And I found out later, no, they just start way in the back.

Okay?

So,

so there's 22 fucking drivers, I guess.

So let's see.

So six of them are fucking eliminated.

But aren't there usually only 20 drivers?

Do two not have to go home?

I have no idea.

If anybody knows the information to that, I don't know if anybody, if you don't move to the next round of qualifying, if anybody actually doesn't get to race.

Because I thought there were 20 cars in the race.

And according to this mask, there's 22.

But whatever.

So six are eliminated in the first one.

Then the next 16, you know, after a short break, the times are reset.

And the 16 remaining cars run in a 15-minute session.

So now we're down to 15.

And at the end of which, the slowest six cars are eliminated from qualifying, leaving 10 to progress to qualifying three.

Now, the top 10 spots after the race,

that's when you're in the points.

From first all the way to 10th, it's like something like 25 points for first, 18 for second, then it's like 15, then 12, 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, 1 are the points.

You're in the fucking lightning round at that point.

And then whoever obviously has the best run after that gets the

qualifying three.

After a further break, times are reset, and the final 12-minute session is held to decide poll position in the standing order of the top 10 grid places.

That's when you're in the points.

All right, that's when you're going home, at least with the fucking year supply of rice-a-rone, if you're in the top 10.

So

I watched it because somebody on Twitter's like, dude, you got to watch this.

This might be better than the race.

So, Lewis Hamilton from the Isle of Man.

It's an island with men.

Nothing but men.

All walking around like, Roy, where are the fucking ladies?

The birds, whatever the fuck they call them over there.

Slags.

Anyways.

He's out there.

He's got the Mercedes.

He's got one of the fastest fucking cars out there.

But for whatever fucking reason, he's not getting enough downward force or something on the front of his car.

And the front end is sliding all over everywhere.

So he barely gets out of qualifying one.

He gets into qualifying two, and there's a 15-minute session, and he's outside of qualifying to get to the next level.

His time is too slow.

So he's got time to do one more run.

Okay?

Now he's in second place overall.

for the

for the uh

to become champ to stay on

to stay on pace to be whatever the fucking best driver of the year I'm sorry guys I'm new to this fucking thing

and his fucking front end starts sliding all over the place and then some cunt hits the wall

so then the yellow flag comes out and I guess that doesn't matter if some asshole drives into the fucking wall

your qualifying time is done this fucking idiot

he's a professional driver he hits the wall I don't how did he hit the wall I get it you're qualified you know

they they said they actually put some special steering in they make custom steering just for that track in monaco because they're just driving through the streets and they have such a hairpin turn that they actually have to turn the wheel harder than they do any other race you know why wouldn't they just leave that in

wouldn't you want to have that option in case you had to drive all the way around something at some point in the other races evidently not um

so anyways long story short this fucking guy i think from force india with the fuchsia car just basically you know he pulls the greg bait Brady, you know, got to beat Marsha, got to get closer than a quarter of an inch.

He fucking slams right into the wall.

And then that's it.

And Lewis Hamilton was so fucking dejected, he couldn't even get out of his car.

You know?

And

long story short, the fucking Ferraris, why the fuck does my goddamn computer keep doing this to me?

Trying to get the screen to come up.

Can you stay up?

Do I got to sit there fingering the fucking thing the whole time?

Yeah, so long story short, the Ferraris won the first and second position.

And I think

that Boutas guy, the Finnish dude, started in third.

And Lewis Hamilton was all the way back in 14th.

So he's out of the points.

And you're driving through the fucking streets of Monaco, a sovereign state.

In other words, they're in France, but they're not part of France.

Like, yeah, fuck off.

We're doing our own thing here.

And

I guess it's really hard to pass there.

But despite that, the fucking race starts,

and immediately he went from 14th to 12th.

And I'm watching the race, and I'm like, this motherfucker, he's probably gonna finish fourth.

He's somehow going to figure somebody's gonna fuck up, and their pit stop, something's gonna happen.

So I'm watching the whole time.

I'm watching the race, and I'm watching, then he's 12th, then he's 11th, then he's 10th.

And the fucking announcers are blowing it off because they're too busy looking at what the Ferraris are going to do, what the Red Bull team's doing, what the fuck Butas is going to be doing in the Mercedes.

And meanwhile, here's Lewis Hamilton just moving up.

This is the longest I've ever talked about racing.

They got a feeling people like, dude, I don't give a fuck, you'll get driving around in a circle.

No, they're not.

They're not driving around.

There's left and right turns.

All right.

There's a chicane.

Dude, you at least got to watch Monaco.

You should have watched Monaco where the fucking Illuminati people fucking back their yachts up.

Although I I went online and I found like you can actually, there's a lot of them are just like packages.

Like, those aren't just rich people with their yachts backed up.

There's just a lot of like booze cruises.

And you can sit there on a fucking yacht getting hammered, acting like you didn't just light up your fucking credit card.

Whatever, Stacey, we'll deal with it when we get back.

We get back eased.

So, long story shorts,

on a track that you could not fucking pass on, somehow Lewis passed seven fucking people, finished seventh.

So, let's see.

That's one, two.

He got like six points or something like that.

And the Ferraris came in first and second.

All right.

Sebastian Vettel ended up winning after a great fucking pit stop.

What's his face?

Kimmy Reikenen.

Is that his fucking name?

Reikinen or whatever.

Finished dude.

Sebastian's the Kraut, the German dude.

He fucking comes out of the pit before me.

And then you hear Kimmy going like, God, what the fuck?

He sounded like me.

Would somebody cut me off for traffic, but he's driving like 170 miles an hour.

And then what's his face?

Daniel, always a bridesmaid, never a fucking winner.

Ricardo came in fucking third.

That guy's always on the podium, never comes in first.

He's got to be pissed.

Like, guys, what the fuck?

Can you do something to the car here so I can get past these Ferraris and Mercedes?

I mean,

what I got to do here.

So long story short, Ferrari as a team has 196 points.

Mercedes has 179.

And the Americans, the Yanks, just to let you know, we're pulling up the rear.

We got our first points of the season.

What do we got?

We got Romaine, like the lettuce.

Gross gene, he got nine points.

And then Kevin Magnusson, like the condoms, got five.

So we got 14 points.

So just those Ferraris and Mercedes better mind their fucking P's and Q's because the Yanks are coming.

All right, thank you for fucking sitting through all of that shit.

Let's talk about Tiger Woods.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Can you believe he got arrested for drinking and driving?

It only happens to 9 zillion people every fucking day.

I'm so sick of people talking about Tiger Woods, like the way they disrespect this guy.

You know, I love Stephen A.

Smith, but I started watching him talking, and he was saying that, you know,

that, you know, this guy is just his fall from, basically his fall from grace

and

and how his whole

you know he became a billionaire and his whole fucking thing was based on the fact that he presented himself as a family man and i'm thinking like when the fuck did that guy when the fuck did he ever present himself as a family man

didn't he get to where the fuck he was because he was the best golfer anybody had ever seen

Because he was making like PGA fucking links look like like he was playing miniature golf?

I never pay attention to that fucking blonde he was.

I don't even know her fucking name.

And then, eh, well, so what?

He bangs a bunch of Hooters whores, and then I'm supposed to sit on the couch going, you lied to me, tiger.

I thought after you golf, you fucking went down to Applebee's with your family and fucking your family baggies, and you shared a fucking blooming onion.

I have to be honest with you, I never once thought about what the fuck that guy did when he got off the golf course.

And when I found out what he was doing off the golf course, I was like, yeah, I mean, that kind of makes sense.

I'm just going to say this, the amount of fucking men, okay, when Stephen A.

Smith walks out

of his studio, you know, he doesn't have a line of whores just waiting to fucking blow him.

Just so they could say, I blew Stephen A.

Smith.

Tiger Woods had to deal with that.

And like most men, he folded under the pressure.

And the fucking reason why

he's not doing well right now is not because of his fucking wife, who, by the way, took a bunch of his money, bought a house, fucking knocked it down, and then rebuilt another one.

Huh?

What about her?

I thought she was an environmentalist.

She lied to me.

Woohoo!

Right?

What about her?

What about old Blondie right there?

I used to a bit about this.

Do you think she would even give Tiger Woods a second fucking glance

if he wasn't making all that money?

If he wasn't the greatest at what he did?

Would old blonde, blue-eyed, even give that guy a fucking second?

I don't think she would have.

All right?

Even when you're a bum like me, when you fucking walked into the singles bar back in the 90s,

what did women always say?

What do you do?

They're not making small talk.

Okay?

Women all fucking judge, okay, their status.

And then they get a number in their head.

All right?

And then they find out the jobs,

okay, that earn this and earn that, and then they figure like who they can fuck.

Okay?

And then it becomes a thing of like, okay, you're underneath what I want for the lifestyle that I'm looking for in the future, But you're a good-looking enough guy that I'll fucking bang you tonight.

Maybe I'll have a little fling with you.

But that's at the end of the fucking day,

you know, when you slid that piece of paper across the table and you made your offer, say, My dick and balls bring home this each year.

They're like, Yeah, keep it moving.

Keep it moving.

That's that's 10 grand less than I want, and you got that one snaggle-tooth.

Fuck off.

Move on.

Who's next?

Go ahead.

Put your junk on the table.

What's your number?

And here's the thing.

I don't fault women for that.

Who wants to live like a bump?

If you're good-looking enough, okay?

And you can land somebody that's making a ton of fucking money, you can learn to love that, right?

I don't know.

So anyway, so now he gets busted for drinking and driving.

And this is the bottom line.

This fucking guy's fault.

Oh, look who it is.

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From Grace, okay?

All right, I'll give you the first fucking couple of years after his divorce.

Like maybe that got in his fucking head.

But at the end of the day, I mean, he got divorced 10 fucking years ago.

What happened was, was his marriage and his body broke down at the same fucking time.

The guy just had major back surgery.

His knees are fucked up.

And they always said, they said back when everybody thought he was the family man back east, that

the way that the level of torque and the pressure that he was putting on his back, they predicted his body was going to break down, and it did.

And then when it does, you know, now they're going to blame, you know.

it's the classic ladies just taking credit.

That's all it is.

They always take credit.

Behind you, every great man is a good woman.

You know, they, okay.

All right.

Is it?

I don't know.

I mean, what's your definition of great?

I mean,

Brian, every great man is a great woman.

It's like the guy was already a fucking champion when he met you.

So if you're talking about his mother, I'll give you that.

But this whole fucking thing, well, now, I mean, Jesus, I got to tell you his mugshot.

Oh, that's a classic one.

I'd like to have a couple of pops with Tiger.

Holy shit.

He needs, this is what he needs to do.

He needs to hit the fucking treadmill.

All right.

And he's got to shave his fucking head already.

You got to let that go.

You know, oh God, here comes the Monday morning.

Here comes the MMP Photoshop.

Can you please Photoshop my fucking head underneath?

Tiger with his fucking hair.

Oh, God.

You know what's funny is he looks like he's fucking wasted, but you know what he's saying.

He's looking into the camera going, well, I know a billion people are going to see this.

What the fuck are they going to say about this one?

I can't even begin to tell you guys.

I can't even begin to tell you guys how bad I want to see this guy win a major again.

Look at this.

Editor's pick.

The secret history of Tiger Woods.

Now, how much do you think they actually talked to Tiger Woods?

Said the death of his father set a battle raging inside the world's greatest golfer.

Dish, dish.

How the fuck do you know?

Why?

Because you talked to his gardener?

Is that the closest you could get to him?

And now you're going to write 400 pages of bullshit?

Listen, do me a favor.

Don't listen to any of this stuff, okay?

He's a man.

He makes mistakes.

He's in the public eye.

I hope his back gets better.

You know what?

I hope he goes out like fucking who's that guy used to fucking just sit there,

the big dude with the blonde hair.

And he's fucking sit there.

I think he played Oliver on the Brady bunch way back in the day.

Then when he grew up, he became this drunk.

He was this alcoholic fucking

he could hit the ball a fucking mile.

Ah, god damn it.

It's gonna kill me.

I gotta look this up here.

Alcoholic,

golfer,

driver,

long.

That's how I search.

And John Daly, there we go.

Bam.

Nailed it.

John.

You know, I hope he comes back like a combination like,

I don't know, a Terminator and John Daly.

That's what I want.

I want a fucking drunk cyborg going out there, and I hope he fucking passes Jack Nicholas and just, you know.

I don't understand people that look at people in the public eye to the point that they disappoint them.

You know?

Get a fucking life.

Jesus Christ.

What was that fucking movie?

Captain Kirk when he did he did this sketch talking to the Trekkies on SNL.

Get a fucking life.

You know, guys, I don't know.

I don't know if you noticed the last couple weeks I've been a little

I Don't know I've been a little down, you know, and I know the podcast hasn't been as good as it has been in the past, and that's just because,

you know, I feel like Tiger Woods let me down.

You know, all those times I've never met him or even remotely spoken to him,

you know, I just really thought we had something there.

And for him to turn around and go back on his word that he never gave me, because I've never spoken with him.

I just, I was devastated.

And

I'm not going to be able to to come into work today.

Oh, man.

I hope that guy wins another fucking major.

I can't even tell you.

I can't even fucking, I just did tell you, didn't I?

I think I just did tell you.

Hey, last week I was talking about helicopters.

And,

you know, I know some pilots listen to this fucking thing.

You know, mass bumping.

All that shit.

You have to deal with low-G pushover with the fucking semi-articulated rotor system.

Does anybody know about these fucking, there's these new European helicopters that are starting to be available over here?

And it has a fully articulated rotor system.

So you don't have to deal with any of that shit.

And they're fuel injected.

So there's no, do I need to pull carb heat?

Am I going to fucking die here?

It's called, I don't know how to say it, G-U-I-M-B-A-L

Guyumble Cabri G2.

And I wrote next to it, what's the deal?

I talked to two of my instructors.

One of them said, hey, that's pretty cool that they do that.

And the the other one said, well, it's kind of like, remember when the first iPhone came out?

Because they're brand new.

Then they had to work all the bugs out?

He said,

they learned about aircraft through people crashing.

So I was like, all right, fuck those things then.

Anyways, you know, you know what I was thinking?

I think one of these days what I'm going to do is I'm just going to buy a used Apache,

you know, or whatever the fuck they have.

Blackhawks or some shit.

I'm just going to learn how to fly that, and then I'm just going to join those Blackwater dudes.

That's my apocalypse thing.

You know what I mean?

I'm not gonna learn how to kill people or anything like that.

I'll just be the shuttle guy.

I'll take you back from the front lines, back to base,

base camp, and I'll just sit there eating my soup.

That's my game plan.

All right, let's read some of the fucking advertising here for this week, which, of course, I didn't even.

Did I even look this shit up yet?

No, I didn't.

I apologize for this.

You know, I just, it's just Tiger Woods let me down.

You know, I thought he was a family member, and

I mean, I haven't been this fucking,

I haven't been this fucking distraught

since

Michael Jordan's acceptance speech at the Hall of Fame.

When I found out who he really was, I mean, I was devastated.

And I just remember all those times I had not hung out with Michael Jordan or ever talked to him.

And I just feel like he really just

You know, I just thought he was better than that.

I love that when he gave that speech, and everybody's just like, wait a minute, this guy's like fucking got ice water in his veins and he's he's got a mean streak in him.

It's like, yeah,

yeah.

All those fucking people who were never picked in gym class, they were like, oh, this is why I sucked.

It wasn't just that I was uncoordinated.

I didn't have this killer fucking instinct.

He went after his own goddamn kids.

You know what?

And that's what it takes.

Slash burr.

All right, 44 minutes in, just like that.

Okay.

All right.

Let's read these fucking

fucking questions here.

All right.

Europe.

Hi.

That's it.

I like it.

Short and sweet.

Been a huge fan of Bill for many years.

Are there any plans for a tour in Europe, specifically the Netherlands?

Would love to see him perform live.

Well, I was there last year, man.

If you were a fan for many years, you should have checked my website.

I think I'm going to go to Europe next year.

and I'll probably build it around

a couple of F1 races possibly.

I don't know when I'm going to go over there, but I'm definitely due to do a run.

I got a bunch of new shit, but you know, I have to make sure it's at a certain level before I go over there because Europe loves to just have critics show up at shows without the artist saying, hey, can you review this show?

You know, and they review it anyway, and they take out their fucking goddamn steak knives and they carve you up every fucking time.

So I always make sure I'm on my game here.

All right.

Girl who stabbed boyfriend isn't walking free.

Okay, here we go.

This is the new part of the podcast.

Everybody fucking correcting old Bill.

You know?

That's why I made sure to fucking like look up all my F1 shit, you know?

Because of you goddamn cunts.

Girl who stabbed boyfriend.

I have a prediction about the Red Sox too, by the way, which I will get to later on, hopefully, if I remember.

All right?

That's a teaser.

and I might let you down.

I might disappoint you, like Michael Jordan, like fucking Tiger Woods.

You know, all that entertainment that they gave you when they watched, when you got to watch them doing things that had never been done before.

All right, girl who stabbed boyfriend isn't walking free.

Okay, so this story was about some lady at Oxford who fucking, I don't know what the hell she did.

She stabbed her boyfriend in the leg with a bread knife and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And the thing guy was like, well, I don't, you have,

you know,

you have all this fucking, you know, potential and all this type of shit.

So this person,

this person is writing back saying she isn't going free.

What's up?

I realize you like to make the excuse that we shouldn't expect you to do any actual research on stories you talk about.

And that's fine.

Well, then you should leave it at that, sir.

But in this particular story, you ranted on Thursday's podcast.

I didn't rant.

I'm joking around, you fucking overreacting cunts.

Do you guys understand what a rant is?

Rant, to me, is short for ranting and raving.

So you got to borderline have froth coming out of your fucking mouth.

Joking around about a subject for five minutes is not a fucking rant, you stupid fuck.

God damn it.

All right.

So even like right there.

To me, that's just, I just fucking fucking wigged out for a second there.

But he ranted.

Okay.

On Thursday, you didn't even, you didn't even need to do research to see how wrong you were again.

I'm not wrong.

I'm being funny, you fuck.

That Oxford girl isn't getting off free because she's white.

Oh my God.

As the lovely Nia proposed, and not because she's a woman, as the freckin' belliterate Burr suggested.

She isn't getting off at all, in fact.

It said right on the article you were reading that she was going to be sentenced in September and has been giving a restraining order.

Yeah, I saw that.

And I also read the fucking judge's quote.

I looked it up and I read along with your podcast.

Her sentencing was only postponed.

She isn't getting out of jail time yet.

Yeah, but don't you find it fucked up?

Are you going to address the fact that the judge said, you're so talented, I don't want to derail your fucking, what you could possibly achieve?

You don't think that's weird for him to say that?

And you don't think race and gender affects

your sentencing?

You don't think that?

You don't think that anything that there's all this racism, there's all this sexism and all that, but in the court of law, there isn't?

There isn't status.

There isn't, you're at Oxford versus you're just somebody on the street and you stab somebody with the fucking knife.

You don't think that any of that comes into play, sir?

So anyways, he says, if you ask me, which you didn't, I think this is a good thing.

If she is as bright as the people at the school say she is, she can definitely do a lot of good in her career.

And sentencing her for a one-off would ruin that.

So you're agreeing with this guy?

Oh my God, this is fucking hilarious.

You're sitting here saying that I'm not paying.

That's basically what it is, is not that I was misinformed.

Okay?

It's that you agreed with the judge.

He said, that being said, she needs to be held responsible.

So what is it?

Seeing as if it was only a butter knife, I think mandatory anger anger management classes is in order at the very least.

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Come back to medicine.

You were great last time.

Go fuck yourself again.

Sir, she stabbed somebody with a knife.

Let that sink in.

She stabbed someone with a fucking knife.

But because she goes to Oxford and she could be a doctor,

you're out of your fucking mind.

You're just like the judge.

You're like, oh, look at her.

She's a girl.

She's doing so well in school.

She looks like me.

It was just a bread knife.

You're doing what they're doing.

In a perfect world, sir, stabbing somebody with a knife and the punishment is stabbing somebody with a knife and the punishment.

And that's fucking it.

Go watch that fucking trap car thing or whatever the fuck they call it where they park it down in the fucking poor neighborhood and they arrest one black guy after a fucking other.

I mean,

they're not trying to help anybody.

You don't think anybody down there has potential?

You're just going to

fucking do that to them?

Why do they just do it?

Why don't they do that in a fucking white neighborhood?

Oh my God.

I don't know.

I just don't see the world the way you do, sir.

And you see it the way that judge does.

And I also think that you are like what you're taking into consideration,

which is, is the fact that she's at Oxford and she could be a doctor, you're completely, and you're now downplaying that she stabbed someone.

And yes, you are, sir.

Yes, you are, because you said she should take anger management classes at the very least.

Look, you might call me fucking overly liberal, but if you stab someone, you should go to jail, regardless of what your potential is.

Do you realize that this woman, if she becomes a surgeon, will have a knife in her hand every fucking day of her goddamn career just about, and it won't be a fucking butter knife?

Jesus fucking Christ.

And when she goes to cut somebody open and then finds out that they have state insurance rather than private, what the fuck is she going to do then?

Just because you go to Oxford doesn't mean you couldn't be a fucking lunatic.

You know what I mean?

And people in those schools commit murders and they do commit crimes, but they don't go to jail the way poorer people with more of a tan do.

I don't know if you've noticed that.

So for us to bring up the fact that she was a woman and that she was white was not, we were not uninformed.

We're actually more than like, I actually, you know, I'm going to pat myself on the back.

I'm more fucking enlightened than you are.

Okay?

Because I'm not saying that because of who she is, she should get punished more.

She should get the punishment.

I think once you stab somebody, what the fuck you're doing in the rest of your life is out the goddamn window.

And I know you guys are gonna say, well, they do that, they do that all the time.

They fucking take into consideration if people have children and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, I know they do, but the consideration is a lot smaller by the level of tan you have and whether you have a dick hanging between your legs or not.

And that's the fucking truth.

Go into a bar.

A woman can slap a guy in the face, dump a drink over his fucking head.

She's not getting kicked out.

out.

She's not.

If she's hot, she's a fucking wilderbeest.

Yeah, they'll throw her out in the fucking dumpster.

Come on, people.

This isn't new information.

All right.

Stop acting like.

Good Lord.

All right.

Why airlines lost their privilege?

Hey, Bill.

Big fan.

Love your podcast.

You recently asked why airlines are not as prestigious as it was in the 70s.

As a pilot, I have an answer for you.

Oh, I love when the pilots write in.

Sky

pilot,

why isn't it still great?

In 1978, huh?

I'm Jimmy Carter.

Jimmy Carter signed the Airline Declaration Deregulation Act.

I'll leave it to a peanut farmer from Georgia to ruin the fucking prestige of airline travel.

Prior to this law, the government allowed equal usage of federal airways

among all the airlines.

All right, you already lost me.

Let me read this slower.

The government allowed equal usage of federal airways among all airlines.

So the only way for airlines to compete effectively was with good customer service.

Okay, after the law went into effect, airlines were able to bid for exclusive usage of certain airways.

Airways are basically the streets in the sky.

So different,

okay.

Oh, I see.

So then, and everybody had their territory.

So it was like, that's right.

There was Eastern Eastern Airlines.

They just flew there.

Okay, all right.

American and United flew cross-country.

So it was like wrestling back in the day where everybody had their territories.

And then rather than having one guy

dominate the whole thing like Vince, it became a bidding war.

Okay.

After the law went into effect, airlines were able to bid exclusive usage of certain airways.

So airways essentially gained monopolies on most of their routes, with customers having little or no say in which airline to take.

The airlines were able to get us by the balls.

So now airlines' business strategy has shifted from good customer service to monopolizing their airways and packing as many people as possible into their

planes.

Hope this helps.

It started to.

What should I look up?

I should look up the Airline Deregulation Act.

Now that all of a sudden, in the era of fake news, I'm suddenly being held accountable for what the fuck I said.

I can't believe this.

You guys are so disappointing me.

Can somebody please write in and mock these fucking assholes?

All right, not saying

the pilot here.

All right, Airline Deregulation Act.

Airline Deregulation

Act.

Jimmy Carter and effects.

Let's see what we got here.

Oh my God.

All right.

Wiki, a law that changed the airline industry.

That's the one that looks like okay.

This is the one I will read up on.

Are you guys going to try to make me informed?

And then I'll.

And you know what happens when you don't have to become you informed?

You become an arrogant ass.

You know, you start smoking a pipe.

Your fucking eyebrows are always trying to touch each other as you wrinkle up your forehead.

No one wants to be around that.

All right.

A law that changed the airline industry beyond recognition, 1978.

All right.

Okay, before deregulations, airlines competed on service alone, as fares were regulated by the government.

I didn't know that.

I mean, granted, I was fucking 10 years old, 1978.

Many remember this era fondly as the golden age of aviation, when stewardesses, as flight attendants were then known, carved

Chateau Brian on rolling silver carts and airlines put piano lounges in upper decks of their Boeing 747s.

Passengers dressed up to board flights and flying was glamorous and exciting and mainly for the rich.

Ah, that's why the liberals' deregulations resulted in the rise of a new kind of airline, the low-cost carrier, LCC.

At the time of deregulation, Southwest Airline was a small regional airline prevented by CAB rules, I don't know what that is, from flying outside of Texas.

Today, Southwest is the largest domestic U.S.

carrier in terms of passenger traffic, something no one could have foreseen in 1978.

Yeah, and that's back when Stewardess says we're fucking hot.

So now it's a bunch of animals.

They pack us all in.

And then it's just like, yeah, all the hotties are like, well, fuck this.

I'm going to go sell jello shots at a goddamn one of those DJ shows.

Right?

Southwest is a success story, but deregulation allowed, yeah, I hate flying Southwest.

I fucking hate it.

You know what?

I hate how the stewardesses sit there making jokes and fucking around.

It's like, dude, my life is in your hands here.

You're not making me more relaxed doing your fucking Dean Martin impression.

But deregulation allowed airlines to innovate new business models.

People Express, I remember that.

Remember Value Jet?

That one went down.

People Express may have come and gone.

It and may someday be revived but it it and others like it shook up the white glove world of the u.s airline industry and

democraciized travel hope i said that right we may peer through our rose-colored glasses and yearn for the days of chateau brion and piano lounges

But ultimately, companies like Southwest and newer ones like Spirit allowed more people to fly more often.

Yeah, and now look at the result.

You got people with no shoes on walking into the bathroom.

Oh my God, it all fucking came full circle.

Holy shit, do I like being informed?

Deregulation left the international carriers like Pan Am and Braniff,

and to a lesser extent, TWA, Trans World Airlines, without robust domestic feeder networks.

I don't know what that means.

And it allowed domestic carriers like Delta Airlines to apply for international routes.

Pan Am and Braniff scrambled to create domestic networks but ultimately were unsuccessful, although it took until 2000 for TWA to be absorbed into American Airlines.

And some argue that massive consolidation of the U.S.

airline industry in the last decade, which has resulted in three large carriers, four when Southwest is included, is deregulation's final act.

The network carriers that survived Delta United and American learned to be tough competitors and combined existing domestic networks with the international networks acquired in large part by carriers like Pan Am that didn't make it.

Get the fuck out of here.

So now they have to drag people off flights, barefooted lunatics, and then you got people fucking,

you know, you ever see those people that just fly around the world all the time trying to get miles and shit, just created all these bottom feeders.

Wow.

Do you think a VIP airline would make it?

I wonder.

You know, in this era of Donald Trump, if they just, if they didn't even try

to be nice, just be, I wish I could do a Trump impression.

Just be a lot of animals.

They're flying barefoot, a lot of bare feet.

And then, you know, all the liberals would be like, dude, were you saying that barefooted people shouldn't be allowed to be a lot of bare feet?

A lot of bare feet.

Dude, can you?

What if,

what if they had a fucking, you couldn't do it nowadays.

If you had a fucking top-line airline, okay?

All first-class seats, all hot stewardesses, you know, first of all, all the fucking, you know,

all the fucking feminists would be up in arms.

Would all be up in arms saying that you're objectifying these women, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And at the end of the, I don't know.

I agree with some of that feminist shit, but a lot of times, I just feel like it's women who aren't good looking, hating on good looking women and just being mad that good looking women don't have to work as hard you know

it's like

that whole thing that you're going to somehow get people to give not as good looking women not as good looking men not as strong men like a chance that's not how it works you gotta like You gotta look at it like sports and realize that you're not the Jordan, you're not Sidney Crosby.

All right?

You're on the fourth line.

Okay?

So what you have to be is you have to be a fucking, you got to be a gamer.

You know?

This is coming from a bald red-headed male.

So go fuck yourself if you think I'm being elitist here.

Okay.

You got to be scrappy.

You got to go in the corners.

All right.

You got to drop the gloves every once in a while.

You got to do that.

Okay.

You're not going to get the calls.

You're going to have to work 10 times fucking harder than other people to get, you know,

half as much or however the expression goes, but it'll make you stronger.

And you know what's great?

Is your fall from grace from your youth sixth as you slide into a four is not that bad.

But at the end of everybody's life, everybody looks like a four or a two,

okay?

But you have a nice soft landing.

You do a little bit of a belly flop.

You get the wind knocked out of you between 20 and 60.

All right, these fucking tens.

I mean, they're falling off the top of a goddamn building, okay?

And a lot of them, they don't survive it.

They don't.

If you look at their Botox faces, they look like they landed face first.

Their fucking lips are all swollen.

I mean, Jesus Christ, look at these fucking like Nia watches this show, and these women will not stop taking fat from the back of their arms and injected them in their ass.

And they got these stupid-looking fucking asses now, and their legs look like my legs

with this weird, like they look like ostriches.

I don't know why they did that.

I just don't fucking understand why.

Like at what point,

it's like they're literally like Michael Jackson, where Michael Jackson couldn't see what he's doing to his face.

These women cannot see what they're doing to their asses.

I don't understand it.

So anyways, you know what?

That was actually fascinating.

And I make fun of the fact that I'm not a well-read guy because it gives me license to be lazy.

And that's what I like to do best.

Okay, but if you fucking assholes are going to make me keep reading, I did enjoy that.

I do enjoy...

I like drum shit.

I like aviation.

I like that type of shit.

All right.

So, if you're going to fucking really start holding my feet to the fire here, could you please try to keep it,

I don't know.

Well, I guess I have the power, right?

I have the power where I can actually decide

what the fuck it is that I want to read or what I don't want to read.

Speaking of which, for some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about Roy Haynes and the fact that he's still alive and still doing gigs and all the fucking people that he's played with.

Like, I saw a bunch of great jazz dramas before they passed.

I saw Max Roach.

I saw Tony Williams.

I saw Louis Belson.

And I saw Roy Haynes.

I saw Roy Haynes like 20-something years ago when he was in his 70s.

He's now 92, and I looked it up.

Like, is this guy still on the road?

He's got a road gig coming up in

September at like the Blue Note in New York City.

And he's from Roxbury, Massachusetts.

Fellow Boston guy.

I'm a suburb guy.

He's actually in Boston.

But

I don't know.

I think that's pretty fucking cool.

The guy's still gigging out there.

I mean, you talk about a guy.

He played with Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, Sarah Vaughn,

all the way up, right up through like young people today.

The guy's been playing drums professionally for 70 goddamn years.

So, I don't know.

If you're into drums, you got to go see that guy.

All right, let me go.

Let me read some more of the

last two.

Cultural appropriation.

Dear Billy Rationale, things are getting crazy these days.

Because of technology, it's definitely a lot easier to be critical of what everyone does.

I'm sure you've experienced this before, where people try and misrepresent what you say for whatever self-serving reason they may have.

Yes, of course, that would be the Huffington Post.

One of the things going on today that really bugs me is the accusation of cultural appropriation.

I hate picking extreme sides to any argument, so I will say I do think that there are cases of cultural disrespect.

Let's say someone wears a religious or cultural garb and is overly disrespectful for the purpose of trolling.

That could be cultural appropriation.

You put that in quotes, so do you not think it is?

But almost everything anyone does is derived from another culture in some respect.

There is a YouTube video where a young black college girl berates a hippie for his corn rolls, and it seems a bit silly because the kid is just doing what every other Wookiees who listen to fish do.

I don't know what a Wookiee is.

Is that somebody into Chewbacca?

Ah, fuck.

Now we got to look this up.

What the fuck is a Wookiee?

A white something?

Wookiee, meaning

slang.

A Wookiee, Urban Dictionary, a Wookiee.

A Wookiee

is a hairy yet modernized human being that commonly is seen in

the westernmost regions of Washington.

A gentle creature by nature, but tends to get a little erratic when it overindulges itself with its favorite foods.

Its diets consist mainly of a blend of barley and hops.

If you see these creatures,

be cautious as to whether you should provide him with these items.

They they will commonly respond to the name of Richard Polyam,

but be very worry of these creatures.

I have no idea.

They're usually

a certain brand of cookie that is very chewy.

A Wookiee is a lifeless idiot whose whole existence consists of falling around jam bands.

Here we go.

And not showering or shaving.

When they're not panhandling or trying to rip people off, they're selling veggie burritos or grilled cheese to fund their useless existence.

They stand for nothing and care about nobody else.

Not to be confused with a hippie.

A hippie is someone who lives a certain lifestyle due to their belief.

Hifties often shower and have jobs.

Used in a sentence, Joe's, yo, those Wookiees over there are trying to sell beat rolls.

That's from fucking 2003.

So I guess they've been around for a while.

Okay.

All right, let me get back to the, okay, so now I know what a Wookie is.

I know what a Wookie is, and I know about airline deregulation.

And now I'm going to be insufferable at the next fucking social event as I try to work both of those into the conversation.

Where the fuck is it?

I was an anthropology major, which doesn't make me an expert, but it definitely informs my opinion of this.

I went to culinary school after college and learned even more about cultures through their food.

I came upon this article and wanted to get your take upon it.

Take on it.

A couple girls in Portland, Oregon started a food truck selling Mexican food.

They traveled around and learned recipes the way every chef I've ever known has done.

They were accused of cultural appropriation because they're not Mexican.

I'm not going to go on a tirade of

motherfucks, but my adrenaline really starts going when I think about this.

I haven't heard you speak about cultural appropriation yet and wanted to get your take.

Here's a link.

Oh, the Huffington Post.

What a fucking surprise.

Thanks for your podcast.

You're a great dad and husband.

How do you know?

You have no idea.

I hate the fucking Huffington Post.

They're always trying to stir up some shit.

You know what?

I hate all these organizations that try to act like they're a news organization.

And you read two articles and you know who everybody on the website voted for, essentially.

It's like back in the day, like it was supposed to be, I don't know.

If you were a journalist, you were supposed to just sort of present what the fuck happened, not making up.

If you say this, that's probably because you're doing that.

That's like that whole fucking website.

And I shouldn't just single them out.

There's a bunch of them out there.

But they're held in like this esteem.

I just don't understand it.

Anyways, cultural appropriation is.

I don't fucking know.

You know, look, if you have an appreciation for Mexican food and you learn how to cook it, and then you sell it.

I think at that point, if you become successful, that's when people get annoyed by it.

And college kids are really extreme in their thoughts, as I do.

You know, you're fucking breaking free of your parents, you know, and you got some anger issues probably towards your parents.

So you're very open

to radical fucking sort of ideas.

You know, going all the way over here, all the way over there.

It's a very dangerous time in your life because you make very extreme judgment, snap judgment calls with your young brain.

As I did.

And that can cause you to do stupid shit, like join cults,

blow yourself up at a fucking concert, you know, for some stupid fucking cause,

all the way to like, I don't know what,

fucking without a condom.

You know?

You just, I mean, it's a pretty fucking wide thing.

This is why I don't talk about shit like this.

I don't know what a cultural appropriation is.

I don't know what it is.

All I know is that my culture is the Matrix.

So everybody's allowed, you know, I don't get upset when people get on airplanes, be, hey, that's some white shit, you know.

I would say that if they're two white girls being white and they're making great fucking Mexican food, good for them.

But if they're sitting there wearing a fucking sombrero and talking like speeding Gonzalez when they do it, yeah, then I would get upset but you know there's plenty of Asian infuse this and French infuse that and

cultures to me and all of that shit to me it's like it's like the MMA

how was how was like how good were the martial arts when it was you were just one discipline you know everybody I am a kido I am fucking taekwondo I do karate I fucking box or whatever And then a guy, Bruce Lee, comes around.

He's like, I'll take a little of this.

I'll take a little of that.

Wasn't he doing that?

You know?

And then he was teaching it to fucking the round-eyed guys over here.

And everybody over in Asia is like, hey, hey, that's our shit.

Don't be showing it to their shit.

And now look at it.

Now look how great the fucking fighters are.

You know what I mean?

I would love to see Bruce Lee today,

him back then, if he got into the fucking ring.

You know what I mean?

Did he ever have to deal with a double-legged takedown?

What would happen to him?

Does he have a ground in pound defense?

Ground and pound didn't exist.

Could that man fight on his back?

That's how much it's progressed.

So

I feel everything should get all fucking mixed up and then shit spins out of that.

And you just like,

I think it's just when you start to act like you're the thing that you're doing.

You know what I mean?

Like,

And people do, but the thing is, if you start getting into like,

like whatever, Japanese cuisine,

okay, or you get into anime, whatever.

I'm watching this anime show.

Like, I just watch it and I appreciate it.

I don't start walking around with a rising sun fucking t-shirt and I get some swords, you know, crisscrossed on my walls, you know.

Start sitting on the floor on a pillow with a little short table, you know what I mean?

I mean,

I don't know where you, uh, I think it's all how you do it.

I mean, if I walk into an Asian person's house and they got a bunch of shit from IKEA, I don't go like, you know, you're appropriate my culture.

What's with that L-shaped couch?

But they're also not oppressing me.

And I'm not oppressing anybody, but overall, the fucking, you know, long-tied cunts up the top are.

So that's what it really comes down to.

I think it really comes down to white people get held to that standard of

cultural appropriation because,

you know,

the damage we can do, and we can be really ignorant with it.

And then other times, people are just being cunty.

Like, I'm not going to read this fucking article.

But if it's just a couple of white chicks making Mexican food and they're crushing it, you know, and they're dressed like white chicks, going, Oh my God, who wants a burrito?

I don't think there's a problem with that if they're killing it.

Right?

It's a fucking food truck.

Fill your pie hole up and shit.

I don't know.

All right, girlfriend.

Hey, man, what's up?

I just had a few questions.

Sorry for the lack of punctuation.

Well, you used parentheses when you said that.

I flew this girl out

all the way to Japan.

You know something?

Fuck you.

I'm not reading this shit.

You know what?

You rewrite this fucking thing.

You rewrite this fucking thing, okay?

And then I'll read it.

Go fuck yourself.

Sorry for the lack of punctuation.

Yeah, sorry, you're not fucking reading it.

There you go.

I draw the line at lack of punctuation.

I hate when people fucking go, sorry.

If you're sorry, you would have taken the time to put some shit in there.

You didn't.

You're not sorry.

You're fucking lazy.

So fuck off.

Now I'm going to be lazy right back to you.

I'm not reading your goddamn shit.

However, if you want to fix it, put some punctuation in it.

And I will read it.

God damn it, I will read it.

All right.

The Red Sox,

we're in second place.

And the evil Empire Yankees.

are in first place, those evil motherfuckers with all their homegrown talent.

And here we are, the young upstarts with a $215 million team, just doing anything we can to try to keep up with them.

I want to know, I want to fucking know, because I heard he lost a bunch of weight.

I know he ended up getting fucking hurt again.

I want to know when Pablo's coming back.

I don't know why.

I just feel like he's going to have a great second half of the season.

Pablo Sandoval.

And he's going to earn his goddamn money.

And I think the Red Sox, they're going to catch fire here right before the all-star break.

And it's going to be Yankees, Red Sox, Yankees, Red Sox.

It's going to be great again.

It's going to be fucking hilarious because now we're the fucking evil empire that could

spend $200 fucking million dollars.

That's my prediction.

It's going to go down to them.

And

ESPN will blow the Yankees because they have homegrown talent.

And they will fucking trash the Red Sox for spending all this fucking money like they never trashed the Yankees when they did it back in the day.

Because that's how it works.

Because when the Yankees win the World Series, ESPN goes, and all is right in the baseball universe.

It's just like, oh, so you guys are all Yankee fans there?

Why does it make it right?

I never understood that, that they play favorites like that.

But I guess that's what they do.

So you know what?

Fuck them.

Fuck you too.

Have a great couple of days.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Be careful around those grills, you fatties.

I

And Louis the King says, Let me think for a minute, son.

Then he said, Yes, I think it can be easily done.

Just take everything down to highway 61.

Now, the fifth daughter on the twelfth night told the first father that things weren't right.

My complexion, she says, is much too weight.

He said, Come here and step into the light.

He says, You're right.

Let me tell the second mother this has been done.

But the second mother was with the seventh son, and it was out on highway 61.

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