Completing A Model, Mexican Tooth-fairy, Sailing | Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr.

It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 2nd, 2025.

What's going on?

Why

yeah?

Oh my God, I'm a fucking day late, dude.

Jesus Christ, day late and a dollar short, kid.

Don't worry about it.

I got you.

Fucking kidding me.

Sorry, it's,

you know, this is the birthday week of my lovely, lovely, lovely wife, who I'm still crazy about after all these years, and my son.

So I had to make sure I was there for it.

So I jumped on a red eye

and I was back there.

Oh, Billy, the baker,

I frosted the cake.

You know, I did at least that part of it.

And

was there for the photo op.

I gave him a birthday gift and he just has a million dollar smile.

And I was,

it was awesome.

And I went swimming with both of my kids and I hung out with my lovely, lovely wife.

And it was great.

And then I just jumped on like a super early flight, came back and did the show last night so my apologies you know for being a little late here my plan was to land and fucking do the podcast but I knew I was burnt out and I was like you know this just doesn't feel like it's gonna be fun I had to save something for the play there anyway we're in the final four weeks of the play

and

I think I'm gonna make it I don't think I'm gonna get fired at this point I didn't get sick I made it through the winter months I didn't miss any shows And as long as I don't get fucking food poisoning, I think I'm in the clear.

Although I am nervous at the big gay gym because it's Pride Month, everybody.

So I think the COVID's going to be going around.

Oh my God.

Oh my fucking God.

I was at the gym today.

And there was this giant fucking Ivan Drago gay dude.

And I swear to God, he's wearing like it's Calvin Klein underwear.

All right.

And he's a total fucking narcissist.

And he's just right up in the mirror.

Doing his fucking shit.

And it's, he's doing it right in front of the rack with all the weights.

So it's him, his dick, and his fucking giant body.

And it's just like, buddy, like, what the fuck are you?

There's a mirror.

If you just walk down 20 fucking feet,

you fucking asshole.

And just, there's the whole mirror.

You can look at all of you

And then there was a little guy who was doing the same fucking thing All right, and I'm not putting this on gay people because there's straight guys that do this too if you're fucking over at the rack where all the dumbbells are fucking take a step back Dude, this guy was almost in the mirror.

He was almost dry humping himself

I'm fucking real the fucking Etiquette another thing is is the people using the machines and then just staring at their phone and not realizing they're fucking got their mouth open like they're taking a nap.

They're so into their phone, and they're taking like three-minute breaks between sets.

What else?

What else is getting you going, Bill?

I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

So, anyway, I went over to the big gay gym today.

I did some reps five, six, seven, eight.

And I got it done.

I got it done.

I got it in.

I'm back.

Whatever.

Yeah, my brain's all over the fucking place.

So let's talk about some stuff.

All right, the NBA Finals is featuring your Indiana Pacers versus your Oklahoma City Thunder.

It's looking like, from what people are telling me, I didn't watch anything out the West.

It's

David and Goliath.

There's a few people saying, you know, I think the pages could surprise some people.

But generally speaking, people are saying the thunder are going to bring the lightning.

See what I did there?

And this is going to be a 5-6 game series.

That's what they're saying.

I'm back here by myself, so I have nothing better to do other than do this amazing play that I've had the privilege to do over all of these months.

And

I'm just going to come back and watch the fucking games.

That's what I'm doing.

I don't know what you're doing, but that's what the fuck I'm doing.

And

what does it look like that this podcast is a little quiet?

Where the fuck are my bows?

Are they on?

Sometimes that happens.

You leave them on.

Did I leave it on?

Is it off?

Is it off?

It's off.

That one's off.

My other one, my workout one, was

for the first time ever, it was buzzing because I've had this pair of bows, the gray ones, forever.

And Bose is like an old school company.

They actually support their products.

So when the spongy part around your ear wears out, they send you new ones.

It's the most exciting thing ever.

You take the old ones off, you put the new ones on.

They're all shiny and new.

Come aboard.

Let's go to the big gay gym and do the squat rack.

No, I fucking, it's my favorite thing ever.

My fucking favorite thing ever.

But I think they're finally, after all the years of taking them to the gym, I think they're finally, I think it was the beginning of like, oh fuck, are these things going to die on me?

What are you going to do?

What are you going to do?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna stick with Bose because they support their fucking products.

So anyway,

yes,

unfortunately, the New York Knicks exciting playoff run came to an end.

Who knows?

If they didn't give away that game one, we would have had a fucking epic game seven

that I was really hoping for because I, you know, I don't know.

I kind of got into the kind of got into that Knicks team, you know.

I shook off the loss.

Them beating my Celtics.

They beat us fair and square there.

They were the better team.

So why not the Knicks?

Why not the Knicks?

So I kind of got into them.

And,

you know,

I like Carl Anthony Towns.

I like the fucking elbows the guy's throwing.

He's getting a ton of shit on the internet.

And I think it's fucked up.

Just let the guy be who the fuck he is.

Just let him.

It's so fucking dumb.

Homophobia is the dumbest fucking thing.

As I'm sitting there making fun of the big gay champ.

It's the stupidest thing ever.

You can't be religious and be homophobic at the same time.

God made gay people.

All right?

So fucking leave them alone.

He got you the Eastern Conference Finals.

I'm not saying he's gay either.

I just fucking, it's just, it's, that's what people, just leave the guy alone.

That's all I'm saying.

All All right.

Jalen Brunson.

Um,

I don't know.

I just got into that the fucking team and I was going over my buddy's house.

And Verse's a big Knicks fan.

And this is the thing.

There's a, I want to see the Knicks win a championship because when they do, Paul Versee is going to break down and cry

like a little kid.

And I want to see that.

I want that form, and I also want the laugh of it.

So

who knows?

I mean, the Knicks were bad for a long fucking time, and

they beat the defending NBA champions.

They got all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals.

They fucked up that first game.

I mean, they came really close.

They still almost took them seven games.

And who knows?

They had another player in the offseason.

They draft somebody.

I don't know what.

So that is good for them.

And that's good for basketball.

The NBA, which is a shit fucking league.

The amount of fucking people on ESPN and the amount of people talking, going like, oh my God, the Indiana Pacers versus the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Who the fuck is going to watch that?

It's like they're the two best teams that are left.

Why wouldn't you?

Because you've been conditioned by the NBA and they're selfish, just so going after the fucking money and no parody in the league that nobody gives a fuck unless it's Boston, LA,

Miami, or Golden State.

And evidently everybody else can go fuck themselves.

That would not be happening if this was the Super Bowl.

It would be the Indianapolis Colts.

Oh, let's see.

Oklahoma doesn't have a fucking team, do they?

They don't.

Whatever.

I'm just saying.

If the fucking Indianapolis Colts and the Arizona Cardinals were playing, everyone would be watching because they have parody.

They would have knocked off these great teams.

In the NFL, the way that they have their product is no matter how much your team sucks, the right coach, the right GM, ownership, and draft picks, all of a sudden, your team can be in the Super Bowl.

Like anybody can win it.

That's the way a league should be.

The NBA sold their soul to the Super team a long time ago when Kobe Bryant got drafted by Charlotte and he said, I'm not fucking playing there.

And they were like, okay.

And they allow all of these big stars to leave fucking all of these teams to every to everybody ends up in fucking LA for some reason.

I'm not saying, obviously, John Elway said, I'm not playing for the Colts.

You know, I get like quarterbacks.

I get it more in the NFL because your career is going to be over,

you know, with no offensive line, with no coach, no GM, and all of that shit.

I understand that, but your NBA career is not going to be over.

Basketball is not like football, and it's certainly not today.

It's just a fucking perimeter game.

So, I don't know.

I always hate when they say that.

Like, what?

Does Indian Indiana?

Indiana doesn't deserve an NBA championship?

Indiana is a basketball, crazy fucking state.

The entire state is, not just the city, like New York, right?

I don't know.

It's strange to me.

It's fucking strange to me.

But I really got into

that Knicks Pacer series, man.

It was a lot of fun to watch.

And

then I've been watching the hockey too.

So we got, I'm watching the hockey.

How old do I sound?

I'm watching the hockey there.

Florida Panthers vs.

Edmonton Oilers.

Edmonton Oilers trying to bring the Stanley Cup back to Canada.

Oh, Canada.

You haven't won a cup since 1993.

And even fucking then, it was the Canadians.

And everyone fucking hates them because they think that they are French.

But they're really not.

They're a bunch of hicks living in that fucking country.

Shut your fucking female ton bush.

Anyway,

this is a hard one for me because

I love fucking Brad Marchand and I want to see him to get a cup.

So I am rooting for the Florida Brad Marchands.

I'm not rooting for the Florida Panthers.

Fuck them.

They kicked my team's ass two years in a row, so fuck them.

But I love Brad Marchand, so I would like to see him win.

So if Florida wins, I'm cheering Brad Marchawn.

Other than that,

the Edmonton Oilers,

I grew up watching those incredible teams with Yari Curry, Grant Fuhrer, Mark Messier, Paul Coffey,

oh yeah, Wayne Gretzky,

and all of those fucking guys.

Mike Krushalniski ended up out there.

And Craig McTavish, McTavish,

a couple of Bruins ended up out there.

We got Andy Moog from them.

They were hockey royalty and arguably the greatest hockey team ever assembled as far as talent

that I've ever seen in the modern era when there was more than six teams.

So for them to be the team that could possibly

bring it back

with Connor McDavid,

Dry Seidel, Nurse, all of those guys.

I like that team too.

Paul Coffey's with that team.

I love that guy.

I met him years ago at this benefit, and he couldn't have been a cooler guy.

So

I'm rooting for Edmonton.

I'm rooting for the team I'm rooting for is Edmonton.

But if Florida wins it, I'm going to be happy for Brad Marchawn.

So

I'm hoping both series are going to go seven games because I have nothing better to do.

Oh, Oh, Billy talking sports here.

And then Moto GP last fucking week, Marco Beshecki.

Bessecki, is that how you say it?

Won in England.

Crazy fucking race.

The race starts and Alex Marquez just sends it like he's on a dirt bike in somebody's fucking backyard to the first turn and he goes to, I don't know what happened.

The front wheel just went out from underneath him.

They didn't blame him.

They said it was something else about the track.

And then all of a sudden guys just start wiping out and like and within like the first two laps alex marquez was out and so was mark marquez the marquez brothers are both out

and fabio quattararo is in first place uh they end up having uh because the a red flag came out within the first two to three laps that means they do a restart of the race which allowed both marquez brothers to go back to the pits and get their fucking second bike and they went back out there, which was fucking huge.

Towards the end of the season, if it's close,

the fact that Mark Marquez and Alex were able to finish and get points was huge.

The tragedy was Fabio Quattraro was like, had like a three-second lead with like three laps to go, and all of a sudden he just put his hand up, you know, warning the riders that he was slowing down, that something was going on, and something happened.

He applied the front brake and he couldn't get it to come off.

And it was just a malfunction on the bike.

And, oh, it was the worst.

The guy got off the bike and literally like fucking fucking broke down crying,

which was sad, but was also cool to see how much these kids want to win.

He hasn't won a race in a couple of seasons, and it was just the worst luck ever.

And very quietly, Johann Zarko, he won in the rain race in France, and now he's in second place.

So he's racked up a lot of points, first and second place the last two races.

So

there's another race this weekend, and I am fucking all about it.

I am all about it.

And with that, let's get on to my week here.

As far as

we're knocking out

eight more shows.

And after this week, I cannot believe it.

There's only going to be

24 more shows, three more weeks, eight shows a week, and it is going to fly by.

I'm trying to savor every moment.

The actors were all having so much fun on stage.

We're sort of fucking with each other at this point.

Because at this point, I could literally do my taxes and deliver my lines at the same time, which really becomes the challenge.

It's like the challenge of that.

Where like you're, you don't want your brain to wander because you can't.

That happens in stand-up when you get sick of your act and you're like thinking about, I don't know,

you know, like, whatever.

Why did I get that fucking 6 a.m.

flight?

I should have slept in.

I'm fucking wiped.

Oh, but I'll get home and see the kids.

You're thinking that as you're doing your act.

But this, you know, your foot comes off the gas a little bit, ever so slightly.

So

that's bad enough in stand-up, but forget about in like acting where these guys are all like really desperate and

like

what is at stake is their ability to make a living, their careers.

And all of them, you know, there's a line in the act where a man is his job.

And I really feel like this is the era of men that we're talking about here.

So if my mind is wandering,

I'm not going to have,

I'm not going to be bringing the right intensity to it.

But fortunately, I get to do my first scene, as I've been telling you, with Michael McKeon, who is

the greatest listener of any actor.

Obviously, everybody knows he's a great actor, but that guy's listening abilities,

skills,

where like,

I don't know.

I just,

I have never

thrown the ball back to him in a different way where it didn't go right into the web of his glove.

Put it that way, because he is, he is just, he's fucking there.

Every single performance.

It's incredible.

It's really inspiring.

So

I got that going on.

I got my last, like, I don't know, five, seven pounds.

I'm trying to drop.

I'm staying away from the bread, bro.

I'm not eating late and I'm getting plenty of protein.

And I'm doing what I got to do at my fucking age.

I'm coming up on another birthday here.

And I got to tell you, man, for my age, I look fucking fantastic.

As long as the age is in there.

If If you take the age out of it,

I'm a fucking mess.

But like.

But if you allow me to use my age, why does it look like this is being so quiet?

I can't find my fucking headphones.

I'm not doing this.

I don't get mad like this shit anymore.

I'm more like frustrated.

Oh, and I'm turning the corner.

on this

this car model that I've been building, this Super B.

I really felt felt like I wasn't going to finish it.

I really did.

And I was just getting depressed, going like, dude, this really just takes me back to when I was a fucking kid.

Oh, here are my headphones, and I do have them off.

All right.

When I was a fucking kid, I just never could finish anything.

Couldn't finish a book, couldn't pass a class, just fucking

brain bouncing all over the place.

So there's something about this shit.

I'm like, I have to fucking finish this.

This has to be something.

I can't let this go.

So somehow I turned the fucking corner because these instructions really suck.

And but you know what's funny is I've watched enough of these gearhead shows that I now under, you know, I understand enough of how a car comes together that

I've been able to figure out shit that was not described properly.

Like I'm going to put the firewall on and they just sort of draw like this line with an arrow down to these things.

I'm like, what the fuck?

And I'm like, well, the firewall's got to touch the two side interior fenders.

I knew that.

And then all of a sudden it just sort of slid because I thought, do I put it here?

Is it here?

You know, and I painted all the pieces and I was sitting there going like, is the paint in the little hole that it's supposed to go into?

And then finally, I figured it out.

So I got the first four steps painted, glued together.

I got eight more to go.

And I'm going to finish this fucker.

Which I've never done in my life.

I've never finished a car model ever.

I would always get impatient.

I would skip to the end.

I would be gluing shit together while the paint was still drying.

And my fingerprints would be all over it.

I was just,

it was a fucking mess.

It looked like, you know, when you're trying to make a recipe and you fuck everything up or whatever.

It's just a shit show.

So

it's for some dumb reason, it's really important.

It's as important to, well, I can't say as important, but it's right up there with doing a good job on the play.

I have to make sure that I

I finish this goddamn model here.

And other than that, I think the summer is finally here.

We once again had no spring.

So I guess that that's what climate change is.

We now have summer and winter.

And that's been my dad joke in my act that eventually the Four Seasons Hotel is going to have to change their name to the Two Seasons.

And I feel like spring and fall are going to go away the way, like,

you know,

car companies went away.

Like Packard.

They don't make those Nash Metropolitan.

They just, those companies don't exist anymore.

AMC went away.

They all just fucking go away.

Anyway, speaking of going away, the Tesla guy is gone.

I think he did enough to ensure that he can keep making more money the way that he wants to make money and fuck over the working man.

And I'm just letting everybody know out there, these are all white people doing this to you.

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It's not Mexicans jumping over a wall.

It's not Chinese people.

It's not some fucking whatever you want to say.

It's not that.

It's your own fucking people who are fucking you while they're pointing at Mexicans, Chinese, Arabs, and all of this shit.

It's them.

It is them.

And we are on the same side.

We are all on the same side.

Alright, now there was nothing political about that.

I got no beef with Republicans and Democrats.

What I have beef with is these fucking cunts at the top, the marionette guys,

who are moving the strings.

That's who you got to look at.

That's who the fucking problem is.

Okay?

And we need more people out there that understand what's going on the way Luigi did.

You know what I liked about Luigi?

He was playing reverse hunger games.

He turned the game on them.

He turned the game game on them.

And

they freaked out so much that they're charging him with fucking terrorism.

Like they don't know exactly fucking why he did.

Oh my God.

That was so embarrassing watching CNN and Fox News acting like they didn't understand the motive behind what the fuck that guy did.

You know,

as they look the other way is the body count, the fucking body count on so many of these CEOs, on their own countrymen.

Forget about overseas, the ones that profit off of war, Just the ones that profit off of fucking medicine and disease and all of that shit.

The fucking body count on these guys of their own people.

Treasonous fucking behavior.

Vampires, reptiles.

Anyway.

Anyway.

Plowing ahead.

I've still been working on my French.

I didn't leave that alone.

My conversational French is flatlined.

I can read it really well, though, now.

And I actually read this paper every day,

skim it, the Le Parisien.

And it's so funny.

Like, I've decided now that all I have is my old pickup truck, and I have all this room in the driveway now.

I always wanted one of those fucking Vespas.

I just, they get there.

They're fucking cool as shit.

So literally, the day I just go, you know what?

I'm going to fucking get one.

I'm going to get one.

I'm going to ride it around for a little bit and I'll fucking sell it because that's my new thing.

I'm going to own all the vehicles I ever wanted, but never at the same time.

That's That's how you do it.

I'll own all the fucking cars I've ever wanted to drive for a year, and then I'll fucking sell them.

I don't give a shit.

I lose money.

I don't give a fuck.

I'll lay on my deathbed.

I had an Eldorado.

I had a Coupe de Ville.

I had an Impala.

I had a Cutlass.

I had a fucking Vespa.

And I rode that drone out stage and I enjoyed myself.

I love you all.

And I'll fucking die.

That's how I'm going out.

That's how I'm going out.

it's my life that's how i'm going out um

so the second i decide that i want to get one of these motherfuckers what happens

they um

they end up uh

i end up reading this fucking story in la parisien

and uh it's talking about how they they won some big soccer championship and i couldn't tell if it was part of this being out there celebrating or somebody was drunk or whatever.

Some poor young kid was on a scooter and got hit by a car and fucking died.

Literally the fucking day.

Literally the day.

But fortunately, I justified it in my head.

Like, we don't care about soccer in this country, so I think I'm safe.

All right, with that, with that, Ed, with that, let's read some of the advertising for a week.

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Dude, you know how this used to be?

You used to have to sit in the parking lot with those fucking little nips, those little hotel bar nips, and you'd fucking suck down one or two depending on how much you hated your fucking job that day, right?

And then you had like a little bit of fucking, you'd have like some dentine.

You'd put it in your mouth and fucking be chewing that shit.

You know, like it was the eighth inning of a dog day, a summer baseball game.

That's how everybody knew you had a little bit of booze, right?

You came in, you were a little louder than anybody else.

Like, you know, how about that drama?

You know,

oh my, there was nothing sadder in the 80s than being in a loveless marriage, you know, at some job you fucking hated, sitting out in the parking lot

driving an American car that was horrifically underpowered but still carried the make and model name of a once glorious muscle car.

You know?

Like, remember those Dodge lasers and they brought back the charger and it literally looked like the Mustang 2.

And you'd be just sitting there with your 140 horsepower Dodge charger because you couldn't get the one with the 2.0 liter fucking V6 that kicked it up to 175 horsepower and you just sat out there

in your little Michael J.

Fox skinny tie

in your white shirt with your gray fucking pleated pants

just staring at that soulless fucking building knowing you had to go in there into that fucking

that cubicle which really was the that was the original Minecraft was the way they assembled those fucking things

And you'd sit out in the parking lot, you know,

with those stupid fucking shoes.

Remember those shoes?

They looked like dance, dancing

shoes,

except they were pointy on the end, but they had no design to them.

They were just all smooth.

That's how you let like the chicks know that, you know, you were up for a good time on the weekend as a guy in the 80s, is you had those shoes with your fucking pleated pants, and then you had a skinny leather tie, a skinny leather tie to let people know that you were there for the party and not for the work.

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And if you wanted to move up in the company, you didn't cut the lines in the side of your head.

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You just brought the vibes.

Like, you know,

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On the weekend, I'm in Kenmore Square at fucking narcissist

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Getting a hummer in the front seat of my 140 horsepower V6 bucket seat

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And, but now you don't have to do that anymore.

You don't have to do any of that this is the this was like a literally a family guy left turn from this this fucking advertising oh this is when they write they try to write the the the copy in my

my uh my speak look i'm gonna be blunt um if you're running a business every missed call is like tossing a dollar bill out the window

All right, personally, I would have picked a higher denomination than a dollar.

It's like throwing 20 bucks out the window, all right?

With inflation.

I don't care care if you're a plumber, a baker, or a psychologist.

Wow, they really covered a lot of ground there.

I don't care if you're a traffic cop building an app or a sex worker.

Every call is a potential customer.

And you know what?

The second you don't pick up, they're calling the next guy.

It's like dating.

You snooze, you lose.

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If someone's lurking,

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Can you imagine defending yourself in your own trial?

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Listen, I am so offended that I was accused of the L-word.

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All right.

Oh, I love the name of this.

Here we go.

We got our first listeners.

You know what, guys?

Enough about me.

I'm an empath.

So, like, I want to hear from you.

Mexican tooth fairy.

All right.

So, I've been talking about like

how all of these stupid

fairies and bunnies and old guys coming down the fucking chimney.

Jesus Christ.

Well, what if he gets simply safe and Santa Claus comes to town?

Ho, ho, ho.

I wasn't lurking.

Sorry.

Santa Claus, is it my understanding that you've decided to represent yourself in court?

That is correct.

Okay, you can start with the opening sentence.

It's kind of ironic.

I was not taking anything from the house.

I was actually leaving things.

Mexican tooth fairy

okay i guess this is the story of the mexican tooth fairy uh hey billy extra meat burrito tits first of all you motherfucker i have a better i bet i have a better chest than you

i'm fucking i am an alabaster bastard fucking uh over 56 now i'm gonna be 57.

i got dude My fucking chest is ridiculous for my age.

Most people have, it looks like they already nursed three kids.

That's what most men's chests look at my fucking age.

Not me, buddy.

An extra meat is protein, if you fucking knew anything.

Which would just make my fucking alabaster chest even more pronounced.

I like that for you, Bill.

Defending your fucking torso.

Hey, Bill, big fan, been listening since high school, 10 years ago.

Recently, you were talking about how your daughter wised up about the tooth fairy.

I'm not a father myself, but have qualms about lying to children too.

But at the end of the day, I think you can just keep it to Santa Claus.

I don't think you have to do the tooth fairy.

Like nobody at school, like kids don't talk about the tooth fairy.

I don't know if it's a homophobic thing, you know.

Tooth fairy is a woman, right?

But did it transition

from not believable to completely not believable story.

I am not a father myself, but have qualms about lying to children too.

But at the end of the day, believe everyone should raise their kids how they see fit.

But, he writes in all capital letters, have you heard of the Mexican tooth fairy?

Have you heard about the Mexican tooth fairy?

I reckon you haven't.

I can't tell if this person is Latino or not.

You brought up a burrito, which is a really white order, which I've learned from Mexicans that have written in

that I should order a torta, which I did the other day.

I was very proud of myself as a white man.

I went in and I got the torta.

And I could see the guy behind the counter going, like, what, what, what do you, you want extra fucking guacamole on your burrito?

Actually, I want a torta.

Ooh, look at you.

Do you have a podcast?

But this person also said, I reckon.

I reckon you haven't.

Not because I think you're simple, but because she isn't a fairy at all.

Okay.

okay.

The way I heard it from my mother growing up, all right, he is.

This person is Mexican.

Why are you appropriating the word reckon?

I'm really offended as a white man who doesn't own a ranch.

But I use that.

That's the dressing I use on my way.

All right.

The way I heard it from my mother growing up, instead of a fairy in a pink tutu

and he wrote T-W-O-T-W-O.

Isn't tutu T-U-T-U?

I don't know.

In Mexico, they got

El Raton.

I'm using a French accent.

I don't know how to, I'm really bad with Spanish.

All I know is that you guys say pero a lot.

Parro Espanol, paro.

It's always like,

pero.

I always hear pero.

Yo, soy comico.

All right.

El raton.

That sounds like the name of a pitcher at this point.

El Guapo.

El Raton.

I guess that would be an insult if you're calling him the fucking tooth fairy.

That would be a Mexican pitcher with big teeth who, when there was a bench clearing brawl, he didn't go out.

And then they started calling him El Raton.

Sorry.

All right.

Mouse slash rat that sneaks into your room.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, it's not a fairy.

A mouse slash rat that sneaks into your room and pulls a tooth from under your pillow, then gives you a couple of bucks for your troubles.

I thought you were gonna say pulls it out of your mouth.

The rest of the tale pretty much aligns with the American version.

It's just the anatomy of the fairy that changes.

Until I was getting ready to send this email, I never looked up the

origins of the fairy tale or even if it existed outside of my immediate family.

Well, it turns out it does.

In the original iteration, this dude goes by El Raton Perez

or El

Ratoncito.

I apologize to anybody even remotely Latino with this butchering of this.

Perez.

El Raton El Ratoncito, Perez.

Ocho.

Amongst his friends.

I always say ocho because when I used to watch ESPN boxing, there was this referee, and when he would count somebody,

he would always do all the numbers in English until he would get to eight.

So he'd be like, five,

six,

seven,

ocho.

And the amount of people that he woke up where they were like, fuck, I got to get up or I'm not going to make this count.

Anyway, anyway, it translates to the rat Perez.

or the little mouse Perez.

Personally, I wouldn't want either of those under my pillow.

So as far as the tooth fairy goes, at least you didn't pick a rodent to lie to your kids about.

Yeah, that's kind of scary.

Thanks for the laughs.

Buttery bill.

Fuck you, man.

That's funny.

God damn it.

That is funny.

I really am.

I am the color.

What is that milk?

Oh, that, what is it?

buttermilk bill oh billy buttermilk

um have fun in in the sauna with your boys at the gym

i think i got to go in there once just for the story

um

that's not gonna happen uh corporations and immigration uh

i am not going into a steam room in a gym because i was a kid in the 70s and that was close enough

if you get it you get it.

Corporations and immigrations.

Immigration.

Hey, Bill, corporations love illegal immigration.

Historically, Democrats have been for stronger borders in order to protect their relationship with unions,

whether it be political strategy or altruistic intentions.

Yeah, it never has to do with any sort of what's right or wrong.

It's always for money reasons.

When Bush was lenient on immigrations in the late 90s,

Bush wasn't president in the late 90s.

What's his face?

The fucking cigar guy who used that woman's vagina as a humidor.

Hillary, I was just trying to keep it moist.

It was roundly, oh, gross bill.

It was roundly criticized by Democrats because they were exploiting low wages and hurting middle and lower class job markets.

Yeah, they always say that.

It doesn't hurt the middle.

What hurts the middle class is the super rich never in history ever wanting to pay middle class people.

They don't want to pay them.

And they've always been blamed using immigrants as fucking scapegoats.

It isn't.

It's the super rich.

They don't want to pay you.

Several prominent Democrats, i.e.

Obama, Hillary, all took the same stance against heavy illegal.

For reasons I can only speculate.

Biden's administration changed this policy greatly.

My assumption is that it was mostly for sinister reasons.

That's always the place where you go.

High-level politics.

I don't care what color the tie is.

They are there for the kickback in the stock market.

Or sinister reasons to destabilize the working class even more

before the

technocratic rollout to stress current systems.

But I digress.

All it took was Trump to say we need to secure the borders, and because everyone who hates Trump thinks whatever he says must be wrong, they have been able to flip an entire party

on a particular issue.

But have they really flipped?

I don't think any, I honestly think that most people just care about themselves.

I feel it.

But I guess they can move you around, right?

I don't know.

There's just so many many levels of lies

I commend anybody who tries to fucking navigate it I tapped out years ago

what I I I'm for the common man

I'm for middle-class people I'm for poor people and I'm for immigrants and I am against people amassing ridiculous levels of wealth unless they're paying their people, their their employees, their worth.

I have no problem with somebody being a billionaire as long as people have benefits and are comfortable and can go home at night and relax and know that their family is safe and can eat.

And I don't think that's asking too much as an employee.

You know, evidently it is these days.

To be fair, the immigration problem has been driven by the destabilization of Middle Eastern and North African countries, which all of Congress and all presidents can share the blame.

Can you imagine just going into another country and destabilizing it just for your own fucking profit and then going on TV and smiling and waving?

Like, there's no way that those people believe in any sort of God.

The immigration issue is largely felt by working class citizens, which communicates.

Oh, whose communities, sorry, I got to get my glashes, whose communities are already stressed for resources.

Corporations benefit by exploiting immigrants and paying them less than fair wages.

One of the greatest achievements in the early 1990s was the work of liberal-minded political figures to validate the creation of unions and their eventual role in mid-century America.

The other issue is that our country is broke, and when you give free housing and allowances to people who just crossed over, it creates a tension for Americans who have received nothing from watching their industries be crushed by outsourcing to countries and relatively lower living standards.

Yes, it does.

It creates tension.

Don't you think they knew that when they do that?

The only reason why that they help out these immigrants, if this is what they're actually fucking doing,

giving free housing and allowances to immigrants, the reason why they do it is so you as a middle-class person will not look at them and will not look at who they're getting paid at and you will get mad at the immigrants.

That's what they want.

Have them fighting with each other while we take more.

That is the game.

So the same way they are destabilizing other countries, they destabilize their own country.

They are fucking traitors.

They're treasonous people.

They should all be hanging from their toes from fucking trees.

Or or an old school laundry line, whatever you want to hang them from.

Anyway,

back, back, back, back, back.

Where are we?

Blaming immigrants and also scorning those for even mentioning the issue of immigrations are both largely ignorant and surface-level takes.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell people.

It's, it's, you know, and I'm a moron and I can see what's going on here.

They also use racism.

Because as a white person, you're going to trust what a white person is saying.

And you're also going to see a white person succeeding.

And you think, like, oh, I could be that guy.

Why would this person lie?

We're on the same fucking team.

They're not, you're not on the same fucking team.

All right, this is going to get dark.

No pun intended.

No reverse pun intended.

All right.

Sailing to Hawaii.

Oh, this is that was my favorite thing on Instagram.

Sailing with Phoenix.

Hey, Bill, really happy for the guy who sailed to Hawaii after quitting his job.

It was just such a fucking great story.

But let's face it, if/slash when you heard this story for the first time, and it was attached to a quote from an experienced sailor saying it was a crazy thing to do, you and everyone would be ragging on this guy, taking bets on when he goes missing or stops posting.

Oh, so you're saying that my opinion can be manipulated that easily?

Wow, I love how this whole thing started.

This guy.

I'm just happy for this kid.

He had a dream.

He was stuck in the corporate world and he got out of it and he went out there.

And I am, what was fascinating to me, I related because I went after a dream and it worked out.

So I was rooting for his dream to work out.

And then also, I am fucking terrified of the ocean.

Terrified of the ocean.

And to go out there by yourself with just a fucking cat.

A year into sailing is the scariest fucking thing other than going to war

that I can think of off the top of my head.

That's why I was into it.

Anyway, he said, even if that one guy who gave that quote was just being jealous, ah, fuck, I went up to the top again.

Sorry.

And I know it's my fault at this point because it was explained to me why this keeps happening when I try to scroll here.

This is amazing to me.

Like, I was just happy for this guy, and now I'm kind of getting like this media lecture.

This is, I want to see where this goes.

You got my attention here.

Even if that one guy who gave that quote was just being jealous or not representative of what experienced sailors thought of this undertaking.

Also, if you didn't have video of him being charming and talking to a camera, you just think the guy was some nut.

What is this based on?

Why would I think he was nuts?

I still think he's nuts.

I think it was crazy thing.

I mean, crazy in a good way he did it, but I mean, it's crazy.

But how can I judge that guy?

I'm terrified of the fucking ocean.

That's like when I tell people I fly a helicopter and I have to deal with all of their fears of helicopters in flying.

I have to put that in a fucking box and be like, this has nothing to do with me.

This is their fear.

I mean, if everybody listened to me, there would be no boats.

No boats in the ocean.

Anyway, literally, every fucking story we hear is dominated by first impression bias, and and I can see this one going either way.

I don't understand.

I don't understand where this is.

Also, huge fuck you to people saying it must be nice in regard to quitting your job.

All right, this guy's, he's just, I like, this guy's just, he's just trashing everybody.

Unless I'm reading this wrong.

Maybe he didn't go to the bar every weekend and drop 800 bucks a month on bullshit and saved accordingly.

I'm tired of these people with nine streaming services, $15 a day, coffee budgets, and no personal responsibility, giving shit to the people who work hard and take smart risks.

I don't understand.

What the fuck was this?

Okay, so he's happy for the guy, really happy.

But let's face this, if when you heard this story for the first time and it was attached to a quote from an experienced sailor saying it was a crazy thing to do, you and everybody else would be ragging on this guy.

I don't know.

I enjoyed it.

I'm happy for him.

And, you know, there's not a lot of education out there on money.

And I think in the end, you brought up some good points about how people could spend their money more wisely.

But I think the common ground was we're both happy for this guy.

I can't tell if I was being yelled at, if I was being educated, or if he was vibing with me.

But I know enough.

I've lived long enough to not dig any further.

I'm just going to be like, you know, if I was at a bar with him, I would just have my eyebrows up going, huh?

Yeah, oh, I hear you, bro.

All right.

Sailing school for dummies.

All right, well, that's the one I need to go to.

I would actually love to watch a video on just how in the fuck that works.

I feel like sailing is a lot like aviation where you are sort of

you learn to read this invisible thing

which is air, the atmosphere.

You can't see it but you learn how to

I mean what in the I guess the flags on your boat.

I'm trying to think like how do you tell what direction the wind's going?

But you're outside so it's blowing on your when you're inside a plane or a helicopter you kind of you start to learn by the way it's pushing you or whatever, and the information, the inputs you have, your gauges, and all of that.

I think there's probably a lot of similarities to it.

Oh my God.

And you fall overboard.

It's just like you hope hypothermia gets your foot.

There's

sharks and all of these fucking things.

There's just monsters in there.

Jesus Christ, it's terrifying to me.

Like the balls, the fucking balls people have.

Anyway, sailing school for dummies.

Hey, Billy, scurvy nuts.

Was listening to the Thursday podcast portion about the kid who sailed from Oregon to Hawaii.

Thought I'd write in, since I've got 15 years of ocean-going experience.

Oh my God.

I can't imagine the stories you have

of

malfunctions or

stupid things that people have done out there.

I mean, I can't imagine.

Aviation is unforgiving, but I just feel like

it's 200-fold

being out on the water.

I've been sailing for my entire life.

I'm 27 now and have been in the shit several times.

Watch lightning strike a beach a mile away and blow the sand 30 feet high.

Oh, dude, this is good.

Can I have more people riding in these fucking bars?

Ah, me tea.

I was a mile away from the shore, and the lightning struck in a sand.

Oh, she went 30 feet high, maybe 40.

Sharks got a lifeless, a black eye, a lifeless eye, a door's eye.

That just reminded me of hear the rhyme of the ancient mariner.

Okay, all there's all sorts of electronics like radar and wind speed readers that help us make informed decisions.

Most boats have different size sails.

The front sail is called a jib.

Oh yeah, I like the cut of his jib.

On most boats, they have four jibs.

The smallest one is called the storm jib.

It's made of heavy sailcloth rated to withstand extreme winds.

You only ever put that up if you're caught with your pants down.

Oh wow.

Additionally, they have a mainsail which can be lowered and secured to reduce

sail area.

Reduce sail areas called

a reef.

Okay.

What does that mean?

You can't be full power if you're going through a reef because you might come aground.

I don't know a lot of these terms, obviously.

I'll just read this for people who do.

If the wind becomes too much for one or two reefs,

oh, and okay, he's not talking about like a coral reef.

If your boat's equipped with it, you'll put up the storm main.

Often cases,

it's safer to sail with the storm jib.

Okay, often cases it's safer to sail with the storm jib and storm main sail over monitoring, motoring.

Keeps the boat stable.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, this is like aviation.

You want to be straight and level.

We also have safety harnesses, personal

AIS beacons that have our GPS tracking.

We hang

these off the life jackets.

Wow.

And now, are you like

on a board then?

Like with your air traffic control?

Is that like the Coast Guard?

And you're checking in them?

Anyway, of course, we try to avoid storms.

Sometimes shit happens, right?

No, you look at the fucking weather and you don't fly that day.

I don't know what you're doing.

You're out there, brother.

I mean, in the water.

I'm not talking about your mental capacity here.

Even the most prepared sailor

sailors go down.

There's lifeboats for that.

Usually the cutoff point is 40 knots of breeze for the most well-equipped and capable boats, 60 knots for the select few that are capable.

Dude, 60 knot winds are you just going, yeah,

like a fucking

cigarette boat, whatever they used to call those things, those drug dealer boats?

If you're curious, you should check out the Volvo Ocean Race.

Those are some of the hardest nosed sailors in the world.

All the best to you, Big Gay, Jim, Billy, and the family.

I have to tell you something.

That is something new that that I am totally, I'm 100% fascinated with.

That's one of the coolest emails ever.

The overlap with that and like that I could relate to with aviation, I think I could finally understand

on some level.

I mean, being a sailor to me, that's right up there with being like a fucking prize fighter.

Like what you do for a living is you walk into

an arena shirtless

and just go to battle with another fucking human being who's been studying how you fight so he can fucking hit your body so hard that you can feel your internal organs moving.

Yeah, those are big ball jobs.

I just tell jokes.

Um, all right,

blind and horny.

That's a great name for a movie.

Um, dear Billy Putface,

Jesus Christ, the fuck did I do to you?

Um,

That's a funny thing to call somebody.

Oh, Bill Buttface.

That's a funny thing to call a contrarian.

Well, can you hear me out and stop being fucking Billy Buttface?

You know, like, but, like you're giving the, but this, right?

The opposing view.

It's always a good joke when you have to explain it, everybody.

I'm a 31-year-old dude with the worst luck ever.

Long story short, I got health issues, which makes me 98% blind.

Yeah, but aren't you like great at the piano, though?

You know, one thing goes down, something else comes up, right?

I can still manage to get around in most places and work on my laptop.

I have Middle Eastern face features with medium light skin tone and live in Amsterdam.

Shout out to your international fans.

All right, Amsterdam is a cool fucking city.

If you're going to be 98% blind, man, that's a fucking cool city to be 98% blind in, although I would watch out for the canals.

I have never had a girlfriend as I was always struggling with health issues, which destroyed my confidence.

Well, at least you know it's your confidence, dude.

It's not your health issues.

It's not your health issues, all right?

You're Arab.

You got a nice fucking tan going.

Yeah, you're there with all those fucking white people.

You're a little exotic, buddy.

I think you're going to have your fucking...

Dude, if you go out and you're fucking happy-go-lucky,

right?

And you're self-deprecating and all of that, women find that shit really attractive and you're different looking.

They also like that.

Right out of the gate, dude.

Right out of the gate.

You're checking off a lot of boxes.

And I think it's going to, you know, by the end of this email,

okay, it's going to be raining pussy.

You're not going to be able to see most of it, but you're going to feel all of it, if you know what I'm saying there.

I built myself

starting in my early 20s and in my late 20s.

I built myself.

I was already a master graduate.

Oh, you're self-made.

Okay.

I like this guy.

I was already a master graduate working at one of the biggest brands on the planet, making good money, working out, playing the guitar, speaking five languages.

Dude, I don't understand what the problem is here.

I understand losing your eyesight's got to be fucking brutal, but this should not be affecting the pussy part.

I think you haven't gone through the grief of that yet.

But when you do, dude, you're going to be coming out

a fucking five five-language, still crushing the guitar

anyway.

Being a community leader in a local charity, and yet I am still alone.

I got laid four times in the span of a year, then my health issues caught up with me, and my visions got worse.

It was already bad, but not, but not that bad.

I can't, for example, not play

with eye contacts in pubs or even navigate a pub/slash club without hitting stuff and looking like a fool.

I don't don't think you look like a fool.

I think you feel like that.

And there's nothing wrong with needing help.

Dude, there's people out there that are so fat they can't get out of fucking bed.

Dude, you're in the game.

You're in the game.

You got an interesting story.

You're speaking five languages.

You're fucking playing the guitar in pubs.

Yeah, dude, this is the only thing stopping you from getting laid is confidence.

We got to build you back up here.

The only place I can meet women at now is the charity in which I am a leader, which can be tricky as I don't want to have the reputation of a creep.

Thanks, feminism.

No, fuck that, dude.

Feminism is helping you there.

You don't ever want to bag an abroad you fucking work with.

All right?

Because even if you get along, they're going to be mad at you one day.

And then you got to deal with the woman in your relationship.

Usually you go to work to get away from them.

Now they're there too.

I didn't like what he did at home, and I don't know why he suggested that during the meeting.

And they're just going to be all fucking petty.

Fuck that, dude.

That's a blessing.

Anyway, he says, I have no luck on dating apps and feel like trash when using it because, you know, hundreds of girls looked at you and were like, hell nah, let me date that fuckboy who will trash me for other girls.

That's fine.

So you're not a dating app guy?

Who gives a fuck?

That's like a fucking

STD incubator.

You don't want to be there.

Haven't touched a lady in two years.

Now I see some of the ugliest, dumbest, jobless fucks have girlfriends and get laid.

And I just don't understand.

All right, dude.

Don't compare yourself.

Stop counting how many fucking times you got laid.

And don't, this is just like trying to make it in stand-up comedy.

You're going like, you know, I fucking killed four times and this other guy got a fucking deal.

Don't do that, dude.

You got to focus inward.

You got a ton to offer.

All right?

What it is, is you got to turn the pilot light back on.

You got to start bringing the vibes.

Bring the vibes.

You can't get bitter.

oh my God, nothing dries up a pussy like a bitter guy hating on other guys that are getting some ass.

You can't do that.

All right?

So stop doing that.

If I could see better or had a better face, I would be drowning in pussy.

Dude, Ray Charles was drowning in pussy.

That guy couldn't see a fucking thing.

Stevie Wonder, if he wasn't such a class act, if that fucking guy ever talked about all the pussy he got, come on, man.

Anyways, he said,

I've heard all the bullshit advice of like your time will come

the right woman won't mind your health issues

i don't know who the fuck's giving you

won't mind your health issues that must have made you feel like

hey they won't mind that you're a little up guess what everybody's a little up even if they can see uh or lower your standards ah

that's all bad advice But I feel like time is running out and that I will drop dead.

See what I did there?

Without having...

ah, a little shout out to my special.

Thank you.

Look at you.

You got a sense of humor too.

Without having lived, loved, or left something behind.

I also can't lower my standards as I should still deserve a decent woman.

Parentheses, not fat.

Exactly.

Because I have so many qualities and I am not just a guy who can't see well.

Exactly.

See?

So underneath all of this.

Grief that you're going through is that confident guy.

You just got to get back to that guy.

All right?

Dude, a lot of the shit you're going through through right now, I'm going through.

It's just not in the woman department.

It's in the self-esteem.

I have horribly low self-esteem.

I've had that my entire fucking life.

Hence, what the fuck I do for a living.

My need to do it.

And I was always like that, you know, wallflower.

I never talked to anybody.

I didn't bring any vibe.

And I just thought that

I'm antisocial.

I like being by myself.

I fucking hate people.

I hate parties.

I hate this.

I hate that.

It wasn't any of that.

What it really was is I hated what happened to to me that made me be this person that I really wasn't.

So I don't know, you know, barring any childhood trauma, I think this health issue has stolen your vibe and your joy for life and living.

And you got to tap back into that.

All right.

And

you have to be looking at everything that you have to offer is way beyond most of the people out there.

Okay.

And the great thing about women is they are way more forgiving than men.

All right?

And they have, and they operate on vibes, emotions, and the person.

Okay, so that's what you need to be.

That is, that, none of that is affected by your eyesight.

So you can turn all of that shit around.

This person goes on to say, while recovering from my surgeries, I binged your special.

You're the only comedian who can make me laugh and channel my anger against dumb people without being a fascist.

I just discovered your podcast and would love to hear you and the lovely Nia's Unfiltered Perspective.

Bonus, if you already have a lady you can hook me up with.

Dude, you're a funny guy, man.

Look at this.

You're throwing jokes in and everything.

Already looking forward to your new stuff.

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Dude, all of that stuff

can be fixed.

I would go to therapy and just tell the person that you want to go in, you feel like shit about yourself, and you know you have a lot to offer, and you want to get back to that.

And I'm sure there's people that have a similar situation to you.

Maybe it's not blindness, it's something else.

And,

you know,

that's what I've always done.

Okay, when I've gone through this business, I always,

you know, and I felt horrible about myself.

What I would do is look at people that had a worse situation than me and were successful.

And then that's what I focused on.

Like,

I always felt like I started stand-up a little late.

I was almost 24.

So what I did was I just focused on comedians that I saw that started.

even later than I did and made it.

So whenever I had that negative thought, I was like, fuck that.

So-and-so, so-and-so and so-and-so started later than my.

Ronnie Dangerfield, retired, came back in his 40s and he made it

all right I started losing my hair oh fuck I'm gonna go bald what the fuck but ba ba ba ba ba I just started looking at fucking Telly Savalis and Ed Harris they're working Lewis Gossett Jr.

he's working fuck it

I'm gonna be that and you just keep fucking going forward so I would just do that and really be focused on the information that your brain is giving you and make sure that your brain is working for you and not against you.

Because when your brain is working against you and your feelings are working against you, that's going to just, just,

it's going to take your vibe away and you go into a slump.

So

you have to find,

get back to your vibe that you had before and you have to find the humor in life.

And I'm telling you,

women, if you're around women and you have a light, silly vibe,

And you actually listen to them and it's not phony, you actually are listening to them, like you would be surprised at how all of that turns around.

All right, dude, you're going to do this.

I believe in you.

All right.

You got a lot to offer.

Okay.

That's the podcast, everybody.

Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

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