Playoffs, Detaining Drunks, Ice Baths | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And

I'm checking in on you.

What's going on?

Why yeah?

Oh my god, week 12.

Week 12 of Glen Gary, Glenn Ross,

week 12 of 16.

And this is the

big week.

We have an extra show,

an extra show, Friday matinee, because we have Monday off.

I have my first two-day weekend since like February.

Looking forward to it.

Had a bunch of friends come out this week.

Came out to see the show, which was fun.

And

yeah, the dark days of May are almost over.

And then June, my family comes out and we ride out the rest of the play and it will be fantastic.

So old Billy, Billy boy is seeing the light, man.

Fuck it seeing the light.

I'm slowly going crazy.

I'm sitting in this apartment by myself.

I'm trying to finish this car model.

I have to finish this thing.

I keep getting frustrated and I get depressed and I'm looking at it.

I'm painting all the fucking parts and then I painted them before I put them on so then it wouldn't.

And then some of the paint got into the holes that you're supposed to glue it into.

And I've never been able to finish one of these because of my fucking ADD.

And it just haunts me.

It's just sitting here waiting to be assembled.

So

I got most of the engine together.

And then it's the undercarriage.

And then once I get past that, and then I just slap the whole body together in the decals, it's right there.

The body is painted, everything is fine, yada, yada, yada.

And that's where I'm at.

Oh, and by the way, oh my god, the shit I am still getting from Knicks fans is fucking hilarious.

Fucking walking around like they won a goddamn championship.

And so, what if you do?

What if you win a championship?

What do you have as many as the Miami Heat?

Shut the fuck up.

And I never do this shit.

I never, I don't want to fucking be this guy that fucking talks about, you know.

but Jesus Christ,

you have a little perspective.

New Yorkers have like no perspective.

Fucking,

they're all bravado until you hit them with facts and then they just start fucking laughing.

All of this, this is New York.

This is what we do.

It's not what you do.

You lose every fucking year.

Stop with this.

This is what we do.

This is what you do.

You talk shit even when you don't do something.

So anyway,

all I do is I just think about Versey.

I like Versey.

I would like the Knicks to win for him, but all these other fucking

all these other fucking

posers.

Jesus, fuck, you're a Knicks fan.

You went to a Broadway show, you had a fucking basketball game.

What the fuck are you doing?

A playoff game.

You went to a Broadway show

wearing a brand new Knicks hat and you missed the fucking game

because you went to go see cats with F-bombs?

All right, that might be a little exaggeration of what you saw.

But, you know,

you saw lay miz if they called each other cunts.

Anyway.

So last night they were all talking shit.

Oh, yeah, we're up.

We're doing Nick's looking good, bro.

Nick's looking good.

Like, I give a fuck.

I'm just like, hey, man,

I hope it works out for you.

And it was all of this yap, yap, yap.

And all of a sudden, the city just got quiet.

You could feel it.

And where the fuck was I?

I was out to dinner with my friends, and they looked up the score.

They said

the Knicks lost in overtime.

I will say this, though, to true Knick fans.

The ones who didn't immediately become Brooklyn Net fans

and start standing there going, Brooklyn, we go hard, or whatever the hell they say at their arena as they catch t-shirts.

The true Knick fans.

Like, I was talking to Verzee.

Verse was like, he goes, I am literally physically ill after that loss last night.

And I just laughed.

I was like, dude, I don't know how you do it.

I don't know.

Like, how do you still do it at your age?

Like, I just, like, last year when the Celtics were making their run, I watched them up into the finals and I just saw that fucking guy on the Mavericks, that European guy, and I'm just like,

I'm not doing this to myself.

I'm not, my kids are going to see this part of me that I don't want them to see.

And the level of hatred that I'm going to fucking work towards that guy from Shark Tank and that dude from fucking Europe.

It's just like, I am too much of a psycho before this series even starts.

I've still yet to watch a second

of my own team winning a fucking championship.

just to know they wanted okay good good to know

um

and recently i actually yesterday i was

uh we had two shows and i was in between shows and i i went to um

i don't know i went to try to watch tv which i i don't do that much lately um i got back into reading books thank god and um

I went to watch,

you know, maybe a replay of something.

I couldn't find anything.

So they had this fucking show that was about stadium security.

And it was this whole fucking behind the scenes of people doing security at NFL football games.

And I don't know what the NFL was thinking

by, because they're usually pretty protective of their brand and whatever.

I just watched that thing and I was just like, this is why I don't go to sports sporting events anymore because of of this

all of these drunk ass

dumbass fans like

i'll be it listen in all fairness my generation was pretty dumb

all right but we weren't like raised on screens We did watch a ton of TV, but it wasn't like you didn't walk around with the TV.

Like you got away from the thing at some point.

So,

like, I feel like that the screen generation,

or maybe just because I'm older and I've had more life experience, that I can't remember that I used to be that dumb.

Maybe I was.

I don't know, but I was just looking at some of these people

and

there wasn't one smart person.

that that security was

having to deal with.

There was nobody like really rational.

They were really, I don't know.

It was, I, the whole thing ended up just being really depressing.

Where you're like, this is what public schools is churning out.

And everybody was fat from eating our poisoned fucking food.

And, you know, they're watching these fucking

looking at these apps that are designed to get you addicted to them so you don't stop watching them.

Turns your brain into mush.

and then they go and they drink in the parking lot and they go there as a fucking adults and they can't sit through four quarters of a fucking sporting event without having to be escorted out of the fucking stadium and some of these people they were like parents they had like fucking kids

and everybody has like this fucking bravado now you know

Like, I'm not the one, I'm not the one to be fucked with, you don't want this fucking smoke, I don't give a fuck.

Like,

it's like, well, maybe you should.

Maybe you should give a fuck.

Like,

you better give a fuck because no one gives a fuck about you or whether your dream comes true.

So if you're walking, if you don't even give a fuck about yourself, you're done.

Jesus Christ.

Everybody I saw on that show needed a fucking salad, an apple, and a book.

And here's what was crazy.

The security people, they were out of shape.

Not all of them, but enough of them.

Like,

it was just a bunch of obese people,

like mildly obese people detaining drunk obese people.

It was like my 600-pound life meets intervention.

Profoundly depressing fucking show to watch.

I remember back in the day when you used to watch cops, like, the criminals weren't that dumb.

Like,

it's like a noticeable level of dumb.

There were some idiots on cops, you know, or the first 48, but gee, maybe because they were drunk.

I don't know what it was.

We were pretty fucking stupid when I think about it.

I don't know.

Was not the show to watch.

So anyway, you wouldn't notice, you know, I like tease and asshole Knicks fans, but I'm actually rooting for the Knicks.

And I've actually always liked them.

Bernard King,

Michael Ray Richardson.

I think he played for the Nets.

Was he the Nets?

Mainly with the Nets.

Bernard King, I loved him.

I loved Patrick Ewen when he was with Georgetown.

I loved the Patrick Riley Knicks.

I loved Lattrell Spreewell.

What was that kid?

Lou, the Asian kid, that magical couple of months.

And then, for whatever reason, they got rid of him.

They got rid of him.

He was amazing.

A lot of their free agent signings haven't really panned out for a while.

When you went into the

Isaiah Thomas years, those weren't good years,

to say the least.

But I've always liked the Knicks, and I always liked their colors.

But my God,

my God, is their fan base fucking obnoxious?

Fucking obnoxious.

There's just been too many songs written about this city and people just have this inflated sense of self just because they're there.

Or maybe I've just been in Times Square for the last couple of fucking months and just watching the incredibly overlit nothing that Times Square.

There's nothing there.

There's literally nothing there.

It's souvenir stores and fucking bubba gump shrimp

and everybody's taking pictures.

New York.

That's what's funny is no New Yorker that knows New York, Times Square, you avoid it.

So if you go to New York, you got to go there and get your touristy picture, but like

Lower East Side, Soho.

From what I heard, Brooklyn, I don't know much about it.

Out in the Queens, there's cool shit out there.

When I was just up in the South Bronx,

the little Italy up there in that Dominican area.

Washington Heights is fucking cool.

Harlem has some great restaurants.

But, you know, take your picture, but then just get out of Midtown.

Get the fuck out of there.

Oh, my God.

Can we do this now in the podcast?

Wherever you live?

Because every street, like, what's that stupid street in Nashville that nobody in Nashville goes to?

And it's always a bunch of fucking drunk cows on a fucking beer truck celebrating some fucking fat chick that's getting pregnant going down the

street fucking twerking to that bamben and then

with plus size Davy Daisy Dukes on

um

Oh my God.

There's something delusional.

When that movie Coyote Ugly came out, the amount of fucking chicks that focused on the ugly and felt that that was an excuse to get up on a bar.

Oh my God.

The amount of fours that were just getting up there, you know, looking like they were about ready to fucking

break a hole open in the fucking offensive line for the running back.

They had like fullback bodies just up there.

You you know, off-season full-back bodies.

That is kind of, I'm trying to think of the male version, like the female version of wanting to be drunk dancing on a bar.

What is the male version of that?

Is that that dumb game where you punch the speed bag and you let the thing tell you, you know, what your punching force was?

I don't know.

It really is amazing, though, how these billionaires have just worked this whole system.

And then they're just designing it to keep us all stupid.

And it's fucking working.

Because all of these people are not that dumb.

All of those people

that were getting pulled out of those stadiums, they're not that dumb.

All of those fat chicks on the bar shouldn't be that fucking fat.

We should have good food.

We should have good education.

Good education.

We should have a great education, right?

And these fucking fucking assholes just take it all.

There's plenty of money, plenty of food, plenty of jobs, plenty of places to live.

But like fucking 200 nerds at the top want to take it all

for themselves.

And they're not even tough.

They're fucking nerds.

Elon Musk is stealing your sandwich.

He would never just walk up to you face to face and steal your sandwich.

ah Jesus they do it with politicians they do it through the court system oh god I'm on one here I'm I don't I gotta steal I gotta watch whatever fucking reality shows I've been watching lately

anyway I went I was down in our Soho today and I went by the the Ducati store because I'm I'm you know I want to buy those

that that airbag shit that you can wear underneath your jacket when you ride a motorcycle and I'm trying to d determine which is the best one.

I've gone to a couple places out here.

So if anybody has any

knowledge on that, that would be fantastic.

But like, I am Jones and so bad to ride a motorcycle in the middle of fucking nowhere.

You know,

I'm getting excited about

getting back to my family and seeing everybody.

Oh, I'll tell you the fucking coolest thing ever is

one of the cast members, you know, as an opening night gift,

you know, we talked about how we liked wrestling.

So he got me the ultimate warrior like

action figure.

You know, we just got each other like joke gifts, right?

So

I saw it and my son's birthday's coming up.

So I'm like, oh my god, like, this is like perfect for him.

He would love it.

So I showed it to him yesterday.

I was like, I got your surprise.

He goes, I want to see it.

I'm like, well, you know, it's not a surprise that I showed.

He goes, come on, I want to see it.

So I showed it to him.

And he just broke out in the biggest, cutest smile.

Like, he thought it was the coolest thing ever.

And he kept calling it the Hulk.

And I'm going, no, it's the ultimate warrior.

It's the ultimate warrior.

So I'm teaching him that.

And today I was FaceTiming him before school.

him and my lovely daughter and he said he wanted to see it again and I focused in on it He put his face all the way up to the screen.

He just goes, oh,

like that.

Oh, it was, it melted my fucking heart.

So

I can't wait until his birthday, so I'm just going to ship it right.

I'm shipping it out.

I got him

a card or whatever.

I'm going to send it right to him.

And

my daughter loves Pokemon cards, so I'm sending her some of those things because

what else am I going to do, right?

But he's like totally into it.

And I'm like, oh my God, is he going to get into wrestling?

This would be amazing.

Because after this play is done, I got my little run

overseas, and then I'm not doing shit

other than I have like 30 days, a 30-day acting gig.

And other than that, I got nothing for the rest of the year.

So I got to make up for all this time that I was away, and that's what I'm planning on doing.

In the meantime,

I got to get caught up on the fucking

the NHL and the NBA playoffs.

I just had friends in town the last couple of nights, so I've been going out to dinner and shit.

So,

oh, did I mention, I did talk about how the Patrice O'Neill thing went fantastic.

And I think there's a Moto GP race this weekend.

Other than that, I don't know.

I don't know what's going on.

Did not go to the big gay gym today.

Today was a...

Oh, fuck.

Hang on a second.

Sorry.

Had to hit pause.

I was filling a tub up.

Epsom salt bath for the old man.

That's what's going on after this fucking podcast.

Foam roller.

Yoga mat.

Fucking

working this shit out and then sitting in a fucking Epsom salt bath.

And I don't want to hear all you fucking pops I call, oh, take a fucking ice bath and fucking, but did it.

All right, all right, all right.

Whatever happened to the ice ice bath, whatever happened to it.

Everyone was talking about the ice bath, the ice bath this, the ice bath that.

Nobody sticks with anything.

I feel like people that were doing the ice bath before people were doing the ice bath are still doing it.

And most everybody else just kind of stopped doing it.

I was taking one for a while.

I didn't feel any benefits from it.

Other than I just got used to sitting in really cold water.

And I learned that you just got to go in and then sit still and your body within like 20 seconds is used to it and as long as you don't move

you're fine but if you start moving around you feel like the coldness of it I did anyway but it's not like I got out going like wow

I am invigorated however if I take a cold shower

that makes me feel amazing but sit just sitting there in like ice cold water

I mean it's like all right I guess this is good for information, but like, so is like ginger and turmeric.

You know,

I could just have a big cup of that,

you know.

They make it into like a tea or something.

I could just be drinking that with my mittens on.

Holding the cup with both hands.

Oh my God, this is so good.

Anyway,

not that I'm against the ice bath.

I actually,

you know,

what I enjoyed the most about that was being able to do it and blocking out the fact that I didn't want to do it.

I don't know why.

That's what I enjoyed most about it.

But when I got out, I was just like, yeah, man.

I mean,

that was fucking cold.

It wasn't like, wow, my knee feels way better.

Everything feels better.

You're fucking numb.

I would think that wouldn't what you want to do after that was then

get into hot water so then your veins open up again and you flush out the toxins and then if you're drinking a bunch of water you eliminate it from you

that's what I remember you know my masseuse would like work on my calves that were all glued up and she would have me put ice on them and then I would

I would

after that I would take a hot shower put hot water on them And then they would be like 80% less sore than they would have been.

I don't know.

This is what happens when someone with no medical background just starts talking, and there's no one on the podcast to say, Hey man, why don't you shut up?

Why don't you shut

up?

So, anyway, I'm also excited to get back into doing stand-up, even though I won't be doing the road that much.

I have all this stuff that I want to,

you know, work on for my new hour that I got.

And

I don't know.

It's just, this is just a weird,

it's a really weird how much the pendulum has swung back from the these, them, those.

I'm going to cancel you, you know, remember those years, and now it's totally over-corrected to the right, where you now have to listen to the put-upon white guy,

you know,

who somehow feels oppressed.

I mean, it's just like, what?

You know what I mean?

Like, you hear people, you know, I'm a white guy, so they're not going to hire me.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, that whole DEI, what the fuck?

You know, now I can't get a job.

It's like, dude, if DEI affects you as a white person, you are on the lowest fucking, you are the first,

like, you are the most expendable white.

That's all you have to be to beat out that shit.

Affirmative action.

All you have to beat out and be as a white person is not to be the most expendable white person.

So why don't you step up your game a little bit, cross some T's and dot some I's on your fucking resume.

You should be good.

Oh, bunch of fucking babies.

That is, I got to tell you,

the way my people behave sometimes, while calling everybody else snowflakes, any fucking thing that is anything remotely

not about white dudes like they just start fucking pissing their panties

cannot fucking handle it

it's fucking unbelievable it's fucking it's it's embarrassing you don't want to compete

and you're going to call people snowflakes at the same fucking time okay

I don't want a level playing field.

I love how like they don't want DEI, but they still they but they have no problem with racism

you know what i mean it's like isn't that like fucking white dei

um

bunch of fucking snowflakes

i also love the new thing too is when you say something really ignorant You then you just blame the crowd going, whoa, hey, wow, it must be a bunch of sensitive fucking snowflakes.

And it's it's like, yeah, or what you said wasn't funny, or it's just ignorant and there's no point.

Oh, hey, you know,

I guess I'm too wild for this room, man.

Guess you guys can't handle my suburban vibe.

What's the matter?

Was there too much cul-de-sac in that one?

You know, like your white DMX.

Anyway.

Very odd, very odd time.

Or is it?

Or maybe that always existed?

I don't know.

Just the ugliness that has just fucking bubbled up.

It's like, wow, I really didn't realize there was this many overtly fucking racist people out there.

Evidently, there is.

And they were just waiting

for a green light.

And what I love is, is I feel like the left brought it out.

with their fucking psycho, you know, think how I think or I'm going to end your fucking career.

Bullshit.

So now it's swung all the way to the other side where it was swung so far left that these fucking lunatics on the right think they're in the middle.

I don't know.

Do you guys see it?

Like, just, do you see the bubbling water coming down to just sort of a, you know,

simmer again so rational people on the left and right can kind of start running things again?

Like maybe we could start getting politicians that care about people and can make a speech regardless of the color of their tie.

Could that happen?

Not with all these conservative, not with all these fucking snowflakes and just starts that shit up and then billionaires are just sitting back laughing.

Look at them.

Look at them.

They're on the same team.

They don't even realize it.

We did it.

We're taking all of their fucking shit away from them.

And we're telling them to look at people that have no money and no power and say that that's the reason why you don't have it.

Oh shit, it's fleet week, everybody.

The sailors are in town.

You hear that?

You hear that fucking

hear that?

Oh shit.

It's about to go down.

No pun intended.

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You know, you go after your own dream is what you do, but in the meantime, because you don't have the money to do it or the time, maybe you can just sort of distort your fucking reality.

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That is the podcast, everybody.

I respect all of you guys.

All right, and you should all respect each other and stop letting these fucking billionaires rip apart this goddamn country Because I'm telling you right now, they moved the labor out.

They saw what sweatshop labor profits brought to them, and they're trying to divide us.

And they're going to turn us into

where their factories are.

That's what they're going to do.

You got to remember, we had sweatshop labor in this fucking country, and these billionaires want nothing more than to go back to that.

They will have your kids working in their factories for $4 a fucking month.

If they could, they would.

And that's why they're constantly having you look at other things and other races and all of this shit to get you all fucking upset so you don't notice what the fuck they're doing.

So, I don't know.

We got to bring people together.

Stop dividing people because it's good for the rich and it's bad for everybody else.

All right, that's it.

I'm done preaching.

Go fuck yourselves.

Have a great weekend, your cunts.

Enjoy the music and the bonus episode of Thursday, of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

All right, bye.

I got the moon today,

pick it up and throw it away.

All right, right.

I got the perfect stay on a clean love with a dirty feel alright.

I'll fall out and take the bait,

eat the fruit, and kiss the snake underneath.

It's coming race, cutting face, burning nose, that's pretty hard.

And I'll go up what you got me hanging from.

And I'll die

what you got me handing from.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday

Fucking May 22nd.

Is that a record for how quickly I said the F word?

I'm actually doing the podcast right now, riding in a car.

I'm not driving.

I'm on my way to New York City because I have to do some

promotional stuff here for Efforts for Family that's coming out this week, right?

Or next week?

May 30th.

I don't know what.

So this begins old Billy Redface showing his freckled puss on anything I can get myself on.

You know, so whatever.

I'm driving to New York and you know something?

There's all this fucking traffic and I got to take a early flight tomorrow back to LA.

I don't have time.

And my wife just sent me this whole thing on what successful people do and

they fucking,

you know, they I don't know what they do.

They know how many minutes are in a day.

Evidently, there's 1,440 minutes in a day and they use this wisely, and they delegate.

Right?

They delegate shit.

Like, I don't want to do that.

You know how to do that, right?

All right, I'll pay you to do that.

You know, a small portion of what the fuck I'm making.

I gotta get better at that.

In order to delegate, though, what you have to be is you have to be social.

And, uh, you know, that's not my thing, unless I've had a couple of drinks.

Other than that, I'm kind of a curmudgeon.

I don't know if you've noticed.

I'm a little bit grumpy.

But

we're fucking cruising now.

Where'd all the traffic go?

Now I'm watching.

This will be like a Thursday one.

I thought I was going to get to do the whole hour.

So anyways, I just got back from

my tour up there in Canada.

Worked with Nate Craig, who murdered it.

If you don't believe me, ask anybody who was in Winnipeg, Saskatoon,

and

Regina.

And first of all, I'm very proud that Nate and I did a show, two shows in Regina, and neither one of us went with the easy joke.

Nobody did the stupid, it rhymes with fun.

Nobody's like, Regina, vagina, what's up with that?

I thought there was going to be a giant twat here, sinkhole slash thing.

We kind of left it alone.

And

I don't know, we had a great time.

Let's just back it up here, okay?

We start off in Winnipeg.

I told the people of Winnipeg that I wasn't going to tell people this, but I just think they're so off the beat

path, it's fine.

The cuisine in Winnipeg is fucking insane.

Alright.

Ah, Jesus.

What's the name of that place?

We actually didn't have time to go this time.

I

ordered from this place the peasant something or other.

Where's my little list of places to go?

Scrolling down to Winnipeg.

Hey, I thought there was going to be a bunch of traffic.

He's just blocking me up driving here.

Alright, peasant kitchen.

Get the tortillere, if you're ever there, T-O-R-T-I-E-R-E.

It's French pork pie.

And then we went to the tallest poppy for breakfast the next day.

And I wouldn't have known about either one of those.

Shout out to a Canadian by the name of Ed Robertson.

You might have heard of him.

Plays in a band.

I think he's in a garage band or something like that.

You might have heard of him.

I don't know.

I'm just fucking with you.

So, anyways, the food was unbelievable up there.

and

the shows were awesome.

Played in this old theater that I forget the name of.

I don't remember.

It's been around since like 1900.

And up top, they have like the same old shitty seats they used to have.

Back when everything was segregated, you know, and all the white people were downstairs, and anybody else had to walk all the flights of stairs to go upstairs, you know, and what's the result?

What's the result?

Huh?

50 years later, white people are getting their asses kicked in sports.

You know why?

We got no quads.

We don't have any glutes.

That's why our asses are so flat.

We just used to walk into the theater.

We were on the ground level and everybody else had to walk up, right?

That's why we got our asses kicked from the gridiron to the dojo.

It's true.

It all comes back to going to see Harry Houdani and not having to work for it.

So we were actually there and it wasn't cold as shit like the last time.

And, you know, I tried out some new stuff.

Everything was going great.

Went to bed the first night, didn't have a drop of booze.

How about that, huh?

Didn't smoke a cigar, even though there was Cuban cigars, but you know, it's Canada, so they got Cuban cigars, but there's no place to smoke them.

They're very, they're very hostile against smokers, or they're just maybe like overly protective.

They sort of helicopter parent with smokers up there, and you're you're sort of, I guess, allowed to do it outside.

Although

I didn't think I really saw anybody smoking anywhere.

So, anyways, we did that gig,

and

the next one on the docket was we drove up to

Saskatoon.

I was speaking of which, there was these two or three cunts at the Winnipeg show.

I thought they were booing me, but they were just going to.

I don't know why we were in Winnipeg.

I guess that's short for Saskatoon.

It's like Cleveland, the land up there, I guess they call it the tune, or they just yell out tune.

I have no fucking idea.

But we, uh, I thought they were booing me.

So, you know, I got off stage and I was just like, Jesus Christ, man, I thought that was a good show,

you know.

Uh, but everybody's like, no, no, no, they were yelling to.

I'm like, what's tune?

They was for Saskatoon.

I was like, all right, we're in Winnipeg.

They're like, oh, yes, sorry, sorry.

That's a big thing in Canada.

Everybody's sorry.

I'm like, oh, sorry.

Like, this waitress was clearing our table and, you know, plate is empty.

And when she goes to clear it, she goes, oh, sorry, sorry.

It's like, you're apologizing for do

you brought food to me now you're taking it away and you're apologizing do it all the time sorry I'm sorry get the puck out sorry um

so anyways we did the drive up from uh

from Winnipeg to Saskatoon the one that everybody was saying hey get ready what the hell's that sound ah Jesus that's not pleasant is it

sorry sorry I picked it up I'm gonna be ridiculously pleasant on this, you know.

Fuck those cunts who yelled that tune in Winnipeg.

Sorry.

So anyways, everyone was saying I was gonna be dreading that drive, you know, like an eight-hour drive.

And so we start, me and Nate start driving up, and we're just hitting all these bugs and shit.

But I gotta tell you, man, it was beautiful.

And

both loved the drive.

You know, we live in LA.

We're just

smashed in with a zillion other people.

It's nice to get out there.

What a beautiful country Canada is.

Good lord.

All these

farmhouses,

all of this land, it was beautiful.

And all I just kept thinking was like, I would love to fly a helicopter out here.

Because if you had a problem, you could land it anywhere.

As opposed to when I'm in LA, I'm looking for fucking soccer fields and playgrounds and hoping there's not kids there if I ever had a problem.

And

just up there was just like just wide open spaces.

And it wasn't that bad a drive.

We did it in like seven hours.

We took the one-lane highway instead of the two-lane highway.

So we had a lot of fun like peeking around trucks and shit, trying to pass them.

A lot of farmers like driving these giant tractors down the fucking street, you know.

I don't know.

I got a bunch of pictures of shit that I saw.

Every mile there would look there was a barn that looked like it was going to fall down and there'd be some guy who just had like a zillion fucking cars

or tires or something all piled up in his yard.

It was really

pretty interesting.

And I was just thinking those guys from Gas Monkey, you know, if they ever pull all the fucking cars out of barns down in the States, they could just go up to Manitoba and Saskatchewan.

They'd find I saw a number.

I saw a 65.

I'm driving like 70 miles an hour, too, and I still saw it.

So 65 Ford Galaxy.

I don't know if it was the 500.

Might have been, no, I think it was a 64, actually.

64.

I know, I sound like the fucking Rayman right right now.

So, anyways, and then we get up to fucking Saskatchewan, Saskatoon,

and we only had one show that night, so of course I went out and got absolutely fucking hammered.

Hammered at this bar.

A lot of tattoos.

A lot of tattoos up in Saskatoon.

A lot of tattoos, sorry.

But it was a beautiful town.

It had this amazing park.

And

which I forget the fucking name of.

And I got up the next day because

from all those years of having a paper root like I can only sleep for so fucking long I just sort of naturally wake up so even though I didn't get to bed till like two in the morning I still woke up at like 830 and I was staying at that there fucking red rum hotel there

It's this beautiful old hotel that looks like you could have shot the shining in there and It's right next to this long park and I just was watching It's got this little mini waterfall.

I watched these pelicans

trying to fish.

I saw some geese with some baby geese walking around.

It was crazy.

After all these years of living in New York and LA, I was just sitting there geeking out, and there was some old lady standing there looking at the goose.

And the goose is like putting its fucking head down, looking at her.

And I'm thinking, that's like an aggressive posture.

So I walked away, but I was also looking, sort of laughing, like thinking that goose was going to fuck the old lady up.

And then thinking, like, what would I do?

Because that would be bad.

I mean, I can't walk away from the old lady, but I also don't want to slap the shit out of this goose in front of all of its children.

So sort of a tense little moment there out in nature.

And fortunately, cooler heads prevailed, and everybody went their separate ways.

But I don't think the old lady knew how close

she came, you know?

She had a big grin on her face as the thing was like ducking down low, so she's kind of ducking down, like imitating it.

You know, like she's looking at a gorilla and she's pounding her chest.

And I thought for half a second, like, I was going to see some, like, you know.

Some fucking old lady bird MMA action, you know.

But you know what?

She's so fucking old.

I bet she knows how to kill a goose She probably went out in the backyard and how to do that shit.

They just walk up and they grab it by the neck and then they do the spin move and then they just hold on to the neck so the body spins and it just breaks the fucking thing's neck.

She looked like she was old enough that she actually lived during those times.

You know, back when you earned your meal.

You know?

Like you knew the name of the thing that you killed.

It was like a pet, right?

You had weird weird dreams that probably slipped into your fucking sexuality somehow.

You're like dressing up like a bird when you fuck or something like that.

There's some weird thing when anytime you get abused,

you know, violent, sexually, I don't know what it is.

It ends up making you some weirdo in the wreck.

So anyways.

I end up doing the so I walked up and I went over that river there, whatever the fuck it is,

like walking along these train tracks.

And I got to be honest with you, I was a little nervous about that because it was this old kind of wooden bridge.

And I was just thinking,

every time someone would walk by me,

you know, I always kind of made eye contact and like braced myself because I just was nervous that someone was just gonna grab my legs and throw me over.

I remember seeing a movie a long time ago.

This guy did that.

He was a psycho and he went hiking with these people and they didn't realize he was a psycho.

I think he had already killed people and then he went up there and

he went to like take a picture of this woman, this couple or something, pushed both of them off the fucking cliff.

And it was so eerily done

that I'm like, this has to be based on a true story because usually that's not good enough for Hollywood.

There has to be some dramatic way they kill you rather than just some creepy real way.

So I was walking across that and that beautiful nature and everything.

Then I was just, you know,

worried someone's going to just, I don't know, just grab me by my ankles and toss me right over before I realized what was going on, you know.

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Typical shit had to be so busy trying to save my cell phone, I wouldn't even think about myself before I went over.

I think I could have landed it, though, you know?

I don't think I was that that high up.

Um,

I don't know, what does that say about me?

That I'm going through nature, and I'm thinking birds are gonna attack old ladies, or somebody's gonna throw me off a bridge.

Um,

or even just overly conscious because I know the fucking driver's listening here.

Um, anyways, plowing ahead here.

Uh,

then we did the drive down to Regina.

I don't know, I don't really have any.

We went to some fucking bar.

Well, I don't even know where the hell I was drinking.

It's the same place I had lunch, and I fucking went into when I was in Saskatoon.

It's right

out front from

the Red Rum Inn that I was staying at.

And oh my god, that place was a shit show.

And this is fucking hilarious.

We walked into the bar and the guy goes, Can I see your driver's license?

I go, yeah.

And then he goes to scan the thing.

And I like blocked it with my hand.

I go, dude, don't scan my ID.

What are you going to go?

Oh, you know, it's just for us.

What the fuck?

I mean,

fuck out of here.

He scanned nate's though

it's just like hey like just the liberties that people take with your id i don't let go of my id anymore let me see your id and i just show i hold on to it and they go to take it i go just read it i don't give people my id you can look at it you can read it

um

you know when i check into hotels they always go to grab it for me and i hold on to it

And they're like, oh, sorry, sorry, can I see it?

I go, I don't want you to type any information

into your, you know.

Oh, we just do that so the next time you stay here, no, you don't.

You take it and then you sell it.

And then someone else gets it.

And then all my fucking shit's out there.

And next thing you know,

you know, I don't know what

somebody defaults on a house and fucking Regina and the banks are coming after me.

I don't know what.

I just know it's not a good thing.

So

we went in there.

Oh my god, those people were fucking partying.

It was some sort of holiday weekend up there.

I don't know what it was for.

But

a lot of tattoos.

A lot lot of tattoos.

A lot of sleeves.

A lot of fucking tattoos.

And I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking.

And I vaguely remember them bringing a hockey stick over.

It was a Sherwood that blew my mind because I had not seen one of those since I was a kid.

You know, and you did shots out of it.

And

I don't really remember much after that.

I just remember...

I walked out by myself.

I do remember that, I think.

Yes, then the next day I woke up and I did the whole stupid walk.

And when I was done with the walk, there was this little double-decker bus,

and I was starving.

I didn't know where there was a good breakfast place, and I just said, fuck it.

And I walked up to the double-decker bus that they turned into this fucking little restaurant thing.

And I had a hot dog for breakfast and followed it up with

a

mint chocolate chip ice cream cone.

And I sat alone on a fucking park bench eating an ice cream cone at Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

Hung over his shit and just laughing at myself.

Like, what kind of a fucking life am I living?

So as I'm sitting there, this nice Canadian couple pulls up, right?

They're both on bicycles.

One of them's towing a kid.

And I just see, well, the one guy.

You know, they're all like Flanders.

Like, that's how nice they are up there.

And he just goes, he pulls up.

He's like, oh, no.

Oh, no.

And I'm like, what's he looking at?

And I turned around and I looked back at the little bus thing that had the hot dogs and the ice cream.

And

like 40 children just showed up, brought up by like the teachers or something.

It's like they were going to be out of ice cream and hot dogs by the time these people ordered.

It was fucking hilarious.

I beat the rush just by like 30 seconds.

But like they were just, oh no, oh geez.

Well, I guess we got here at the wrong time.

No, no, no, sorry, sorry.

It's okay.

It's okay.

You eat everything.

I don't eat nourishment.

They were like even apologetic.

It was so.

I always forget how loud and obnoxious I am and my fellow Americans are until I go to like other countries.

Like,

I don't want to be the guy shitting on Americans.

Because I was up there and Nate just kept talking about how nice the people were up there.

And I was like, dude, fuck these people.

They riot when they lose,

you know.

a playoff series.

Okay?

They're just as racist.

They're just as fucked up.

Blah, blah, blah.

By the time we got to Regina, I was like, all right, you know what?

These are really nice people.

I'll give it to you.

I'll give it to you.

Alright, I'm stubborn.

I don't want to be yet another person that travels to another country and then comes back here to tell everybody how everything in this country is wrong.

You should see how they make a grilled cheese sandwich up there.

I mean, it's just so

everything's like fucking better.

It's like,

really?

Is that why everybody's always paying attention to us?

You know?

If we stink so bad, how come you know the name of our president and we don't know the name of your president huh why don't you think about that one for a second gee I don't know Bill because you guys dropped bombs on us all right fair enough

all right 17 minutes this is like the fucking old days

right now if you'd like to know I'm going over the Manhattan Bridge

Looking at my old digs way back in the day up the street

I used to live in Yorkville.

I think that's what it was called.

It was Rose of the depressing fucking Roosevelt Island Queensboro Bridge.

I walked across that thing one time.

I was so sick of going to the gym.

I was just like, you know, I ran down.

I didn't run.

What am I talking?

I fucking walked down, walked over the bridge.

And there's no way to walk on a bridge and not think about that Saturday night fever.

That fucking idiot.

You know?

I love how he was too cowardly to get into that fight, and then he's going to do a headstand on the Verizano Bridge.

That's the, by the way, that's the one in

that goes from Brooklyn to Staten Island.

See if I still remember this.

It goes Brooklyn Bridge, Manhattan, Williamsburg, then Manhattan.

Hey, sir, is this the Brooklyn?

I mean, is this the Manhattan or Williamsburg?

Where is that, Missburg?

Williamsburg.

Oh, sorry.

Williamsburg.

My fault.

So it goes Brooklyn, Manhattan, Williamsburg,

Queensborough.

And then I don't know what the fuck else is up there.

There's some sort of footbridges.

Triborough Bridge or some shit.

They probably renamed it, you know, at this point.

If it's not the Jackie Robinson fucking bridge, it's probably being named after some

lady, you know.

I don't know what.

Some lady who fucking showed her clam on a show and

she was considered brave, you know, the hairy twat, the hairy bridge.

Look at it.

I don't do it fucking vagina, joker, vagina.

Now I'm gonna do it on a bridge.

What's wrong with me?

So, anyways, oh my god, Alphabet City, yeah.

Now that's like all nice.

Tomskin Square Park, all the memories are coming back.

You know, I've been gone from this city for so long that there's a lot of it that I don't even recognize.

Like,

I mean, obviously, the Empire State Building and that type of shit, Times Square and that type of thing, but it's like just a completely different from the city that I moved to.

Like Times Square was fucking scary when I moved here.

So we just drove by

Just drove by is and was driving like 30 miles an hour with the sunroof open

With their cell phone out the top videotaping

I Guess I'm podcasting, but I'm not driving right.

Oh, do you want to film it?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Sorry.

I'll edit it for you.

I won't charge you anything.

I'm Canadian

How funny is it that they're that nice and then you get them out on the ice.

That's when it all comes out, right?

Fucking cross-checking to the neck.

All of a sudden, Flanders gets his glasses off, puts on a different kind of sweater, and you better keep your fucking head up.

That's Canada, right?

Can Sony please do a drawing of fucking Flanders as a fuck a goon?

For the fucking,

I don't know, the Thunder Bay llamas, whatever the name of your teams are up there in the fucking

lower levels, the minor leagues, whatever you call them.

Every fucking Canadian has a saying, oh, I made it to Thunder Bay and I didn't,

I wasn't good enough to get in the NHL, so I tried to fight my way into the league.

I know I'm doing a bad Canadian accent.

I apologize.

But,

anyways, whatever.

Dude, I remember a long time ago, Jeff Ross hosted a comedy show live from Thompson Square Park.

And I remember thinking that was so fucking badass.

Anybody that was performing there, because Alphabet City, like before I even came here, people were saying how scary that was.

And like, Thompson Square was just like, the city had just given in to like,

I mean, it was like, that's a subway going by if you hear something.

It was just like a tense city.

Like, I walked by it one time, and it was just like,

I was trying to mask the fear in my face, plus, you know, rubbernecking, just wanted to see what it looked like.

And

it was like junkies, homeless people, just fucking mentally ill people.

It was like...

It was like the beginning of a bad, like, hair metal video.

You know, when they used to try to do those apocalypse ones?

They were all basically loosely based on Escape from New York, people coming up on a manholes.

Even What's his face did that.

Michael Jackson did it.

It was like the thriller video, except, you know,

it was real.

Get away.

Anyways, I'm going to read some advertising here at the risk of getting car sick.

You know what's funny about having a kid is your screensavers all become your kid, and every time you pick up your phone, you just, you know, you're around other adults, and they have no idea you're looking at your kid.

You just go, oh.

Then you try to turn it into a cough.

Excuse me.

Because as a man, you're not allowed to show love.

All right.

Content live reads.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, look at this.

Look at this.

Live

from the fucking Williamsburg Bridge.

It's old Zip.

Recruit him.

This driver's gonna think I'm nuts.

Are you hiring?

Well, are you?

Oh, dirty-ass New York.

Look at these fucking people.

Oh my god, kids playing outside in New York, unsupervised.

Little kid acting like he had a gun.

This is like the old New York I knew.

This is gonna be all like fucking high-end now.

Is that sound a crazy guy that's an artist?

Is he talking to himself?

Robin sold gold cash

We buy gold.

There's an only Asian looking woman there leaning up against a dirty pole

Where the fuck am I?

Oh Essex Street and Delancey.

I never used to be down here

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All right, down here, like around Houston Street, back in the day, I used to do this fucking room called Surf Reality.

And it was the beginning of the alt scene.

And the level of talent, this was before you could start your career.

Start a privileged career in the fucking alt rooms where there was like, no heckling, let's just support and give somebody at least 20 minutes to get to a fucking punchline.

This was like club comics going down there and then just some weirdo people that, you know, just were just totally different, but all the comics loved them.

And I used to do a place down here called Surf Reality.

And I remember every time I got off the train and I walked over here, I used to fuck, I was convinced I was going to get mugged.

And I bought this jacket from the Army-Navy store and a black fucking hat, trying to look like I was in NAM or some shit.

And, you know, keeping my head down so they didn't see the fucking Ron Howard look on my goddamn face, you know.

You know, what's great about this is as I look out this, I might be able to do a whole podcast and not bring up what is happening to my Boston Celtics.

Jesus Christ, everything that I feared finally happened.

I told you guys when I first started watching them, I'm like, how can a team that doesn't really have a center, that doesn't rebound, is not good playing D in the paint, and lives and dies by the three.

How can you win in the NBA?

But they did, and I bought into it.

And you know what?

A big bucket of reality hit us in the gave us the old right there, Fred.

I don't know if game three is tonight, but after watching game two,

Jesus Christ,

I was so excited.

At least we got the number one pick next year.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say maybe we should get a center.

What are you guys thinking, man?

You still believe in Kelly Olinik?

If the rest of the team can somehow get us to game seven, I'm warning you people in Cleveland right now, you better watch out for Kelly O'Linoke.

That is a bad man in game seven.

Games one through six, he's fucking horrific.

But you get that man to game seven.

Lucky seven,

that's what I call him.

Lucky seven with his Kobe 11s

brings the Celtics to heaven.

Some shit.

I don't know.

If it rhymes, it's true.

I don't know.

After game two, I'm wondering if we're even going to make it to game four.

I mean, we lost by 54 fucking points.

That's like some shit that happens when you're like in middle school.

But there's a part of me that actually enjoys this because

I'm rooting against the Warriors, and I think it bugs LeBron.

and the Cavaliers that we were the number one seed.

I think it bugs them that they acted like we even remotely had a shot against them.

And I know Isaiah's hurt.

We just found that out.

out, but come on.

He's hurt.

So, what?

We only lose by 34 points.

I think they just got a chip on their shoulder.

They're the defending champs, and nobody is talking about them like they are.

And everybody's up the fucking ass.

You know, though, the Boston Celtics, who they're in number one seat, just trying to sell this series, right?

And everybody's out there talking about the fucking, the filthy Golden State Warriors kicking people in the balls and blowing out fucking ankles and shit.

I mean, has there been a more boring Western Conference or Eastern Conference matchups?

I mean, these things have just been absolute blowouts.

I bet they're calling up Stern again and he's going to get those mobbed up reps in there to fucking start fixing some games again just so they don't lose out on all this ad money because these things are just going to go

four games.

Rather than having 14 games possibly of ad money, they're going to have the bare minimal, eight.

You know?

And these owners, man, they got a lot of money they have to pay out to these players.

You know, they spend a lot of money with their hookers and all that type of shit, you know?

Getting their fucking tummies tucked.

Lap band surgery and all this shit, getting their faces yanked back so they can keep banging the underpaid cheerleaders or whatever it is that they do.

So,

everybody's just basically waiting for the finals.

And

I don't know, man.

I don't want to jinx it.

I'm going to shut up because I already jinxed the fucking

city of Washington

by just saying I don't want to jinx it.

But I think,

well, I'm not going to say what's going to happen.

I'm just going to say what I would love to see.

I want to see the Cavaliers win.

I want to see them go fucking back to back.

And I want to see that fucking dream team

of, I don't know, I can't say a bunch of free agents.

Just, I don't know.

I'm just all cunty because I wanted to see the fucking.

I wanted to see the Thunder, see if they could get by him.

I didn't want to see the fucking one of their best guys just join the goddamn team.

Can you imagine that?

Like back in the day, you know, like when Larry Bird steals the ball from Isaiah.

Can you imagine the next year, like Isaiah Thomas was a Celtic?

Then we just like kick the shit.

There's a fucking guy staring at me like why I'm doing this recording right now.

I just waved at him.

And he continued to stare at me.

And now I'm feeling like

now I'm feeling weird.

Oh, I guess he was looking at the car.

He had sunglasses on.

Jesus Christ.

Is this guy a fucking robot?

Why is he looking at me?

He's got a minivan.

And you just stare.

I'm in a SUV.

I guess if you have a minivan, you fucking...

You take your sunglasses off to look at an SUV.

Right?

The minivan is sort of the ballless SUV.

And the SUV is sort of the one ball like, I don't know, full-size truck.

I don't know how it works.

I'm not a redneck.

Oh, fuck the

handmaid's tail on Hulu.

Is anybody watching that?

I came home the other day and my mother-in-law, she always, she watches all these shows that I would never see.

She started to watch one about the, it was about this girl who committed suicide and left like a tape.

And she was watching that one there.

It's like Little House in the Prairie meets like an S ⁇ M video.

It was really weird.

Like, I don't know what was going on.

Like, they were like these nuns and they were trying to escape this thing and one of them makes it on the subway and the other one doesn't.

And then next thing, you know, they got her tied down and they're beating her feet.

How do you get that job?

The official like feet beater.

I could see like back in the day, you know what I mean?

Back in the, well, maybe this was better.

No, this seems to be like in the future.

Do you realize that there's people out there that they're born, and at some point, when they try to figure out, like, what am I good at?

Like, the answer to that ends up being torturing other human beings.

How fucked up is that?

You know what I mean?

Just like.

It's kind of like being like a comedian.

You're either funny or you're not.

You can't teach somebody to be funny.

And then there's like

torturing something.

You just can't teach somebody.

To be able to do that and just like block it out as somebody's fucking screaming.

This lady was sitting there screaming and crying.

The guy's just

whacking the shit out of her feet.

I always come, I always ask my mother, I'm like, Jesus, Chris, what the hell are you watching?

She always laughs.

She's like, I don't know.

I just put this on.

All right, so here we are.

Jesus Christ, you know, I gotta give it up to the graffiti artists.

Like, they've really taken it to another level.

You know?

And certain tattoos I've noticed.

You know, there's like the high-level tattoo artists are amazing.

But the problem is, is most people that get tattoos don't have a lot of money.

So like,

you know what's the worst is when you see somebody go into a tattoo parlor and they're looking at shit on the wall.

It's just like, dude, that's going to be in your body for life.

You don't even have like a, you don't have an idea.

You don't have a theme.

Let's see.

I don't know.

Kind of like a butterfly with like a bee and that's what's going to end up up happening.

If you look on a wall, it's either gonna be a skull.

What's that star tattoo that everybody has, that red and fucking black one?

I know like three comedians that have them,

and a couple of boy band guys have them.

I don't know what it is, maybe it's an anime thing.

I have no idea.

That's my new word, anime, because I'm watching that fucking One Punch Man.

Anyways, let's get back to the Celtics.

Holy fucking shit.

Do you realize we have lost?

I think

we've lost by like a total of like

north of 80 points

in the first two games.

Definitely north to 70.

Like if you took all the, if you just had the Cavaliers win by one in game one and then one in game two, and you just gave them all those other points, like they would not, they could have me in there.

Well, who's kidding?

No, me.

You could have me in there for about a quarter and a half.

It's all tied up.

78, 78.

Jesus Christ.

I mean, this is this is the worst beating a Celtic team has ever taken in my life in the playoffs.

The other closest, most humiliating one to this was, I don't know if a lot of people don't remember this, during the Larry Bird era, and it was the last year of Bill Fitch.

He'd kind of lost the team.

I guess they blamed the coach.

I don't know how.

But we got swept by the Milwaukee Bucks.

And I remember we lost game one, and we lost game two, and then we lost game three, and I just kept thinking, like, they're going to turn it on, they're going to turn it on, and then they lost game four.

And that team had Larry Bird, Robert Parrish, Kevin McHale.

I don't think we had Dennis Johnson at that point, and I'm trying to remember who was on the Bucs.

It was Sidney Moncrief.

I don't know who else.

Dude, I'm so psyched that I already got 40 minutes of this fucking podcast done because I have no goddamn time.

Like, I was supposed to be at this thing that I'm doing.

I was supposed to be there 25 minutes ago.

It's 5:55.

It's supposed to start at 6:30.

So

there is some PA right now freaking the fuck out

and

There's nothing I can do about it.

Oh look at this.

I'm on Houston Street

Another fire engine.

This is just like the fire chief.

He's got like a pickup truck

Oh They got a fire engine there by the way dude.

Did you see that fucking lunatic

Who just plowed into the uh all those people in Times Square?

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Jeez, I didn't want to like talk about it to give anybody fucking ideas.

Let's get off that subject.

Oh, the Adidas store.

I love Adidas.

I've always been an Adidas guy.

I don't mind Nike,

you know.

I like it.

I always liked Adidas better.

You know why?

Because no one knew, like, everyone knew Adidas before Nike came along.

If it's Nike, Nike, I don't know what it is.

Oh, wow, look at this.

This is down near the old fucking.

My old subway stop when I used to live on the upper east side and I used to come down and go to the comedy cellar and the Boston Comedy Club

What the fuck?

Astor Place.

That's where I used to get off.

And that's when I started looking up all the names of these people.

Like, who the what is Astor Place?

And I found out about the Astor family.

And they're just all just a bunch of fucking slumlords.

All the statues, I just started looking them up.

Learned about the triangle shirt waste fire.

People jumping to their fucking deaths because somebody

locked the door to the uh

look that one up triangle shirt waist fire

Actually read a book on it and uh it was just I don't know why I did it was it was the most uncomfortable book since I read I read the book The Perfect Storm

and

If you don't want to buy the book just fucking open it up and just there's a chapter Maybe like a three-page thing maybe where the guy describes what happens when you drown

And it's just like, I don't know, your fucking blood goes cold, man.

It's fucking freaky as hell.

Do you know whenever they find those guys in the caves?

They always have this goofy smile on their face, like those divers who decide to fucking swim into a goddamn cave.

They just fucking.

They're what I love.

They're dumb enough to do that.

And then some poor bastard has to go in there.

Has to go in there and try to fucking

find him.

Why don't they just leave him?

Why don't they just leave him down there?

What the fuck?

I don't understand.

You know what I mean?

Just fucking leave him down there.

Why do you got to spend all that money to go get it?

He swam into a cave.

He went into a cave underwater.

Like, what the fuck are we supposed to do?

And that's somebody's goddamn job.

They got to go down and fish.

You're going down there, knowing you're going to see a dead body.

When they find him, I guess they always have this goofy smile on their face because the last thing is your body releases

I don't all this dopamine or some shit I sound like Joe Rogan right now except I don't know what I'm talking about dopamine and you know one of those drugs that those fucking ravers take releases that shit right

and they feel this this level of euphoria like the end of your life level of euphoria And then the next day they're just eating like a bowl of apple jacks and they like just burst out in tears because it's so fucking depressing because they fucked up.

They already know what it feels like to die, which evidently, evidently, after you go through the horror, or

under the water, I guess it's a nice experience.

You're like, hey, man, that wasn't that bad.

This driver thinks I'm out of my fucking mind.

I know it.

What have we got?

44 minutes.

44 fucking minutes.

Oh, Jesus.

I used to go down here and I used to do Hot 97.

You know, back in the day when everything was fucking crazy.

Like three times a year, rappers would seem to have like a gun battle in the fucking lobby.

And I would go down there whenever I was doing

whenever I was doing Caroline's.

You know, and I used to headline Carolines

on like a Tuesday night, and they would, Louis Feranda.

He used to have to pull the fucking curtain, you know?

So it wouldn't look bad.

And I was doing Talent's rooms.

And so I was doing the white and the black room.

So I used to come down here and I used to try to get some people that maybe saw me open for

Talon or Drew Frazier or fucking Gerald Kelly, the New York Kings,

Rob Stapleton, all of them.

I used to do their rooms.

One of the most fun times in my career that I had was doing that stuff.

Nobody knew who the fuck I was.

I had to go on stage.

You know, expect now people come out, they know who I am.

So then it's like, I have to work to lose them.

Well, back then I actually had to fucking earn it.

And,

you know, believe me,

I look back on those days fondly, but I don't miss not selling tickets.

So whenever I come back here, I always think about all of those gigs.

Capone used to have this room, Nell's.

on 14th Street.

It was the greatest fucking bar, but it was such a hard room for me.

That one in LeBar Bat, Talent had that one.

And that one, that fucking room, every time I went there, it was like, I bombed next time I killed, I bombed, I killed, and I could never figure that room out.

It was like an after-work party,

and I just would go up there white as hell, and it just either they,

you know, you had, basically in the black rooms, you have, you have your opening joke, and then that's it.

They, they, black people have, they're very much like Sicilians, where it's like you you're dead to them.

You fuck up once, that's it, you're dead to me.

Over.

This relationship is done, and

there's no repairing it.

Which is why it's amazing.

What's her face?

The Fuji chick there.

Started to get booed on the Apollo and then fucking turned it around.

The hell's her goddamn name?

You know, amazing voice, cute as hell.

Four hours late to her shows.

Lauren Hill.

Lauren Hill.

Whenever I hear the Fuji music, that reminds me when I first moved down here.

That and Wu-Tang clan, 36 chambers.

And

what else was I listening to back then?

I don't know.

Okay, now if this guy's driving like a fucking maniac, I think he's sick of my podcast here.

How far away are we?

Another five minutes, sir.

Another five minutes.

You know they're freaking out, man.

Oh, I'm sure.

Where the fuck is he, right?

You're going to a hotel first, huh?

Yeah, I gotta.

I look like a I look like I just came from Saskatchewan, and they're gonna take pictures, so I can't be looking like that.

I gotta look like

I at least bathed today.

Um,

oh, dude, I had a fucking 6:30 a.m.

flight today.

Oh, nothing puts me in a goddamn mood.

My show didn't get done till 12, and of course, I had to go out and have a couple of pops to celebrate the end of the tour.

Um, I want to thank everybody who, seriously, who came out in Winnipeg, everybody that came out in

Toon, Saskatoon.

Sorry about the popping on the peas here.

And

everybody that came out in Regina, I had a great time.

I'm definitely, those three cities are now part of my tours.

Now I feel I can go right across the whole southern part.

So I was telling people, next thing I'm going to do is I'm going to do Alaska over to Yellowknife and some other ones.

Jesus Christ.

Fucking nine-foot lady with no clothes on.

Did you see that?

She had her ass hanging out of the bottom of her fucking dress.

Like a sand trap.

So many fucking divots in it.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Not that I'm any prize.

Are we stopping to get gas?

No, he's trying to make a left.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

This car is broken.

Yeah, let's go.

Let's go.

We get behind the one polite cab driver in the fucking city here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are these people wearing scarves?

It's not even cold out.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not, exactly.

Can I make a right here?

You mean a left?

We're going left here.

That idiot, yeah.

I like you, me.

You're like me.

You just shit on everybody as you're driving.

They're morons, right?

They don't even.

Especially Sunday.

It's like Jurassic Park.

All the dinosaur comes out.

You don't know what the coming is.

Forgive me.

Forgive me if you want.

I love what you're saying.

Trash more of them.

Make it more entertaining.

It makes me feel more normal, because that's all I do.

Don't you think part of it is because we feel like, you know, they don't know what we're doing.

We're too wrapped up in ourselves?

Or do you think they're morons?

When you're right, and under 99 people is wrong, that makes you weird, right?

There you go.

Yeah.

That makes you right.

I love it.

Oh, look at that.

Bill's barr and burger.

Oh, and there's some flyer fan in there with a Claude Giroux.

Claude Giroux, however you say his fucking name.

I said hotels right in the front.

Right in the front.

Oh, okay, right here.

Alright, dude, I'm going to jump out and I'm going to...

I'll be around.

Alright.

I'm just going to.

I'm going to...

I'll be back down in like...

I'll be circling because I don't think there's a place for me to do it.

You have to circle?

Yeah, so

I think you got my phone number, right?

I just, I think I texted you.

Did you text me?

Let me call you now.

Yeah, call me now, so then I got it.

And then you call me, I'll show it in the front.

Okay, cool.

Alright, you know what?

I'm going to call these people and I'll let them know that I'm coming over.

I don't know.

Why the fuck do I have to be in an hour early for a goddamn podcast?

Am I going to warm up my voice?

It could be.

But I think it's deep.

Fuck, fuck, fuck shit, right?

Alright, so your phone ringing?

It's my phone ringing.

No, that's not me.

Somebody's saying hello, unless we're in that fucking movie with the guy from Beretta.

You ever see that movie?

Which one is it?

The guy who killed somebody, or maybe killed somebody, got out of jail.

He played Beretta.

Remember they called him?

I don't remember.

The guy who did like Twin Peaks or something.

Twin Peaks, oh.

Come on, you know that Moholland Drive.

What's the guy from Bretta?

Don't go to bed with a press on your head.

No.

Don't do it.

Hey, why don't you just give me your phone and I'll do it?

I'll call you up.

Nice 310.

Don't say my number here.

No, it's not 310.

Come here.

Just give me the guy.

Why do you have one glove on?

No, I'm driving it.

Oh, that's your drive a glove?

I like Michael Jackson and I use the left-hand mostly.

I'll right with Michael Jackson.

I love it.

Yeah, too bad.

He got framed.

He got framed.

You know something?

I actually think he did too.

You know what?

Yeah, you can't fucking molest a bunch of white kids, even if you became white.

No, no, no.

Yeah, and get off on it twice.

But California

couldn't nail down OJ, right?

No, they just want to

ruin his reputation, that's all.

They just want him to talk.

Alright, having said that, would you leave, would you, would you, if you had a kid, I don't know if you have kids, you wouldn't leave them with Michael, though, right?

Now he's older, it's okay.

Now they're all there because they could fight him off.

You know what?

I'm going to park on that side so you can feel free to take all your time.

I'll be right here.

He'd just pull up to your house.

Ho!

Right?

Stomping his foot, and then your fucking kids got to go up.

All right, sir.

All right, I got to hit pause on this.

I'll do the last eight minutes later.

All right.

Do you need the bags?

Do I need the what?

Your back.

Your baggage at the back?

Oh, yeah,

that's where my show clothes are in.

All right, let me help you down.

Yeah, there's like regular clothes, and then there's headlining clothes.

I got to get on my headlining clothes.

I got you.

Podclinlin.

Okay, all right.

Okay, I'll talk to you guys in a minute.

All right, I'm back.

I'm back.

Oh, freckled fucko is back here.

I did all my press that I had to do.

I want to thank everybody over at Vulture Fest.

Everybody treated me great.

I had a fun time going back and forth.

One of the women over there was giving me shit.

about how bad the Celtics were playing

and you know and I was just agreeing with her.

And then she just kept trying to do a dig on the Celtics.

And I go, you know, I really don't appreciate your little passive-aggressive comments on the Celtics.

I'm admitting that you're kicking our ass.

And then she laughed, going, ah, you caught that.

So I go, you know, what part of Ohio are you from?

And she goes, oh, I'm not from Ohio.

I go, wait a minute, you're not from Ohio.

How are you a Cavaliers fan?

She goes, I'm a LeBron fan.

And I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

She goes, yeah, no, I was a fan of his when he went down to to Miami.

And I'm a fan now that he's gone back to Cleveland.

It's just like,

you know,

I found out she's from Washington, D.C.

I'm like, you're a fucking Wizards fan.

She goes, ew, I don't want to do that.

It's just, you know what?

I actually respect it on some level.

I think that she's a,

you know,

if I guess if they're all going to be free agents and piling on with each other, then you might as well be like a free agent fan.

Then it doesn't fucking matter, right?

i don't know i don't know what it's brought out i'm just joking around we had a great time giving each other shit and then i got to sit down they um

it was pretty cool they actually showed the first episode of season two and from what i heard people really liked it i of course was not in the room i didn't want to deal with that

and um

and then we went and we did a uh

I went in, I did the interview in front of the crowd that just saw it and handed out some free t-shirts.

We had these condoms made up, Efforts of Family condoms and stuff handed them out.

People like those, took some pictures afterwards.

It was a great interview, you know, just great questions and that type of thing.

It was a lot of fun and knocked it out.

So, old Billy Boy is going to be hitting the fucking hotel bar here soon.

How much time I got left here?

I got to knock out another fucking five minutes.

I might do it tomorrow morning.

Maybe I'll do that, you know, because it doesn't make a difference because you guys, I got to watch the Celtics, man.

How much are they down by?

All right, watch.

I don't even know how to turn on the TV anymore.

Watch now.

Yes, that's what I want to do.

I want to watch now.

I want to watch now.

You want to watch?

No, I want to watch TV.

Setting the world on fire.

How much are we down by?

Kelly O'Linnick, for the love of God, pretend it's fourth quarter game seven.

Whatever the fuck it is, you have to do.

All right, come on.

All right, this is football.

You guys really going to listen to me, channel surf.

You don't want to hear this shit.

I'm going to watch the goddamn game.

And I know.

Oh, do it live.

Commentate it live.

I'm not doing that.

Someone's just sitting here watching these people getting the fucking shit kicked out of them.

Isaiah's out.

I mean, we could potentially.

We could lose by 40.

Oh, my God.

All of a sudden, just having the number one draft pick just seems a lot different.

I knew all these fucking people going like, I'll tell you right now, the Celtics are only a player away.

I was at least smart enough to say it.

We're more like a player and a half away.

Meaning we needed two players.

Remember a few months ago where they were trying to suggest if we got Carmelo Anthony, like we'd have a legitimate shot

to take out fucking,

I almost said the LeBron James, the Cavaliers, but that's really what it is.

I don't think we do.

Listen, I'm going to watch this game.

This podcast is going to be like, I owe you three minutes, okay?

I really don't, because I've done a bunch that are over an hour.

But I got to upload this shit.

I got an early flight because I got to go out and get back to my wife and daughter.

That's it.

Thank you guys for listening.

And please tell everybody on May 30th that F is for Family is coming out.

And I'm going to be doing a bunch of press, so I apologize if you see my stupid face a little bit too much out there.

I have to do it.

I got to put on the monkey sat, monkey hat, the little fucking,

you know do my little fucking dance

and over the next couple of weeks but

you know I'm gonna be trying to I don't know I'll be trying to let you guys know where I'm gonna be at if you give a shit all right that's it go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday

I'm from and far away.

The worst thing

singers get me lights get me

down the road, silver chain,

blood and milk since blood and pain.

And I don't like what you got me hanging from.

And I don't like what you got me hanging from.

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