Knicks, Advertising, A.I. Stealing Jobs | Monday Morning Podcast 5-19-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday.

Oh my god, what day is it?

May 19th, I think, 2025.

What's going on?

How are

you?

How's it going with you?

I'll tell you, I'm doing great.

Just going to convince myself I'm doing just fine.

Three weeks down.

I hate fucking counting shit down.

Three weeks down, I'm just counting down for when my family comes out again.

Getting here through May, having some great shows,

doing the play,

discovering things and all of that shit.

But

let's talk some sports here.

First thing I want to mention,

two amazing things happened

this week.

The New York Knicks advanced

in the second round of the playoffs.

And you know

that that was an amazing thing because they acted like they won a fucking championship.

Act like you've been there before.

They have not.

So they were well within their right to flip out like that.

I am happy for every real Knicks fan and every decent sports fan, not those whack-a-mole fans that disappeared when it was three games to two.

Oh my God, the chirping, the chirping that was happening when they went up three games to one after Glenn Gary.

Oh my God.

they would wait till I signed the pamphlet, then they'd go, Celtic suck,

like the biggest fucking bitches ever.

And then I'd be like, you're a Knicks fan?

And they'd be like, yeah, yeah, hardcore.

Really?

They had a playoff game tonight.

You went to a fucking Broadway show.

Shut the fuck up.

I was dealing with that, right?

So anyway.

We win game five and all of I couldn't find a Nick fan.

Everybody, shut the fuck.

They were so fucking scared.

And then when they win game six, they all come fucking running out.

Those kinds of fans.

I don't mean real fans.

I mean those fucking idiots that, you know, call in sports talk radio shows and talk all kinds of shit,

you know, about why they like this athlete or don't like that athlete or whatever.

So

anyway, I just, I'm happy for the Knicks because I love Paul Versey.

Those, the rest of those Knicks fans can literally, you know, go die in a house fire.

And I'm not even joking.

Like, I fucking, I can't stand bitchy fucking sports fans like that you know just disappear during the losses

you know can i get a picture can't get a picture you get a picture and they're like fuck boston

oh boy okay and then the other thing that blew my mind this week and this is just it's new york sports centric i know the red socks uh been playing well knock uh walk off home run or whatever i i haven't seen a fucking an inning all i I can see is the highlights because their games are when we have our show.

But anyway,

and I've also been keeping up with that kid.

Oh my God, on the fucking Timberwolves.

I'm finally coming back, and I'm, you know, I try to watch the NBA, but I always end up watching the NHL.

I just, I grew up watching hockey.

And as much as we had Larry Bird and everybody, I just was more of a Terry O'Reilly,

you know, Cam Neely, Ray Bork, Rick Middleton.

I just, I loved the Bruins.

I just always loved hockey.

So,

it was just a weird sport.

And I was a weird kid.

I just related to it.

It didn't make any sense that they could fight, sit down for five minutes and come back out, do it again, sit down for five minutes, do it a third time before they were like, all right, you know what?

I think, I think you've had enough.

The whole thing was weird.

They didn't play halves, they played periods, none of it.

It just,

some people had helmets, other people didn't.

It did the whole this.

I just loved it.

Two national anthems.

It was fucking weird.

Like me.

I had orange fucking hair.

I related.

Anyway, another weird thing that I saw is, and this is not, once again, I'm not judging all Yankee fans.

I didn't understand those people in the bleachers turning their backs on Juan Soto.

First of all, like, oh my God, we're not even talking to you right now.

And it's also, you didn't find, like, if you're a Yankee fan, I would say below like the age of like 20.

I get get that that hurt that one left.

But if you're over 20, I mean,

come on, man.

Like, the Yankees, you guys have hung your hat on signing free agents for more money than their original team.

Or, you know, he wasn't yours to begin with.

You know, as much as Johnny Damon signing with the Yankees hurt me, it was really him shaving off his beard.

It didn't bother me because he wasn't ours.

We signed him from Kansas City.

You know what I mean?

So I didn't understand.

Like, any Yankee fan, if you could write in, like, why are you so upset?

Plenty of baseball players have said that they're going to stay with their team, and then the Yankees offered them more over the years,

and they left.

So, like, what are you guys special?

Someone shouldn't do it to you.

I think

they're a little perturbed because they've always been on the good side of that whole free agency thing.

And now, all of a sudden, the fucking Dodgers are spending like $700 million

making the Yankees look like a mom-and-pop store.

But I do respect,

you know, since George Steinbrenner passed away, his son, he's really been homegrown talent.

So I've had,

you know, even if the Yankees won it with one sodo, I wouldn't have done that, that bitchy thing being like, oh, they fucking bought it.

They didn't buy it.

Like, all of those guys are from their,

pretty much from

their system.

And I don't think that they're,

it's not egregious the way it was in like the late 70s

and I would say 2000.

Yeah, like the 2000.

96 team was great.

98 teams, one of the greatest of all time, if not the greatest of all time.

99, it started to get a little weird.

I think that's when they got Clemens and they got rid of Wells.

And then the next year they got Wells back and they kept Clemens, you know, and somewhere in there they like signed Jose Consenco just so we couldn't get him.

That's when it was weird.

But like,

you know.

But I just, I think it's like, it's really hypocritical for you to have your feelings hurt that a free agent left your team because they got more money somewhere else.

Do I have to name all the names?

Catfish Hunter, Reggie Jackson, Dave Winfield, Ricky Henderson.

All those fucking pitchers.

Clem and Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Mike Mucina,

Jason Giami, Alex Rodriguez, Darryl Strawberry.

I mean, you've signed everybody.

You fucking have literally signed everybody.

I mean, I would feel good as a Yankee fan.

I feel like you're like 276 and one.

No, no, you've lost two.

You lost one Soto,

and then you lost

your second baseman to the Seattle Mariners.

What the fuck was his name there?

I don't, I don't, I'm bad with the fucking names.

It happens.

It happens.

But, you know, turning your back on that, that was really like, how did you guys all decide that?

You know what we should do?

Do you guys have a chat room?

Acting like a bunch of soccer moms ganging up on some fucking chick because she's in shape.

You know, and you guys are still carrying your baby weight.

I don't know.

I don't think it was a good look.

I respect the bleacher fans of the Yankees.

They are fucking, you know, they're real sports fans, but like, you know,

I wouldn't do it.

We are like, so not talking to you.

I don't think you should be doing that.

What do I know?

I'm just a bald ginger doing a play.

Anyway, went to the big gay gym today.

Did a little cardio.

Did the speed bag, you know, no homo.

I was, you know, the actual speed bag, you know, they haven't they haven't turned me yet.

And then I did a little core work,

you know, doing that shit.

And then,

I don't know, I'm going to go for a fucking walk here.

I got the Patrice O'Neill benefit tonight.

Patrice O'Neill benefit tonight.

I'm doing,

you know, our special guest has changed.

But whatever, it's still a special guest.

It always happens.

People have crazy schedules and whatnot.

And

anyway, anyway, I'm looking forward to that.

I'm only going to do like half the podcast, and I'll tell you about it.

It's my favorite thing as far as stand-up every year, other than golfing with Versee, if we get time to do that,

is when we do the benefit.

And I get to see, it's like the stand-up comedian high school reunion.

And I like every comic that's there.

I won't be turning my back on any of them because they decided to play a comedy club that I didn't agree with.

How could you do that?

Um,

so anyway, uh,

what else?

No Moto GP.

This, this, that's the one thing I've been able to keep up with.

Um,

is I've been watching uh all the Moto GP, and I'm like so bored that there's not a race that I'm kind of going back and watching the Moto 3.

I like the Moto 3.

I like those bikes because when I look at those bikes for some dumb reason,

they look easy to ride because they're smaller, and that probably

increases the degree of difficulty or whatever.

I want to thank some fan, they gave me a book on

motorcycle safety and how to ride and everything.

This book does not look cheap, I appreciate that.

And

by the way, I don't know if I mentioned this, I'm going to sort of tease it over the weeks.

So, I got a gig in London on I think July 8th, and it's a benefit

for Parkinson's,

Glenn Tiptons

from Judas Priest,

his charity, all the money is going to that.

And

I'm going to have an opener, I'm going to do my shit, and then I'm going to have

a special music guest, not Judas Priest.

adjacent.

Okay, I just don't want to get you thinking that, but a Judas Priest fan,

we're going to come out.

I'm going to play drums and we're going to do a couple, two, three songs at the end.

It's kind of a full circle moment for me because my first concert ever was Darkened Judas Priest.

And

that was not a fun time in my life.

And bands like Glenn's bands really,

you know.

When you're going through it as a teenager, you know, music is a huge thing.

And those bands not only help you through that period of your life, you're then a lifelong fan of the band.

So,

it's going to be a great night.

And as we get closer,

I'll give you some more clues or whatever about what's going to happen.

But I've been getting those songs together,

and one of the songs that we're going to do is

it's an ACDC song, but

it's a classic Phil Rudd thing where I have listened to this song a million times.

And for whatever reason I haven't played along to it too much and I've been like breaking it down and I swear to God the fucking

genius

the simplicity the perfect parts the perfect the perfect everything the way that even when he plays a Phil

When Phil plays a Phil, he never interrupts the groove.

It's like

and I think he is one of the major reasons as big a reason as Malcolm Young,

maybe not quite as big, but right there, as to why they still play in front of 80,000 people.

And I think it's because when

he's playing the tracks, when he's recording them, not only is he serving the song, I think also in his head.

He is feeling the energy of 80,000 and the responsibility of keeping 80,000 people moving and not interrupting that for his own drum ego.

And the way he builds tension and holds it until

you're almost like running out of air before he finally lets you come to the surface and he fucking hits that crash symbol, or maybe does a fill, or just does something simple between the kick snare and hi-hat.

And it just releases all that energy.

That's why, when you watch those ACDC live

you know, concert films and everything, I think everyone is going so fucking berserk because it's that devastating combination of the Malcolm Young riff

and Phil Rudd knowing what to do with it and how to add

to that power.

Almost like one of those things you stick on the back of your cell phone when the battery life is going down.

You just fucking, you know,

stick it on there for extra fucking power.

It's, um,

I've just been listening to it and then playing it, and just afterwards, just shaking my head.

Like,

it's fucking amazing.

It's fucking amazing.

And it's a really simple song.

I can actually play the riff and everything on guitar.

I could sit in with a band and I suck at guitar, but like the riff, as always, is super simple.

But

in the simplicity, is this fucking power and genius that just blows my mind.

Anyway,

I've been doing pretty good until last night as far as like not eating late.

Last night I gave in and I had two slices of pizza.

So I punished myself today at the gym.

Core workout and then some cardio.

And

I don't know.

I'm going to get there.

I am going to get there.

And with that, I'm really

need to see a movie this week.

If anybody's seen one, I know the new Tom Cruise is out,

or as I call him, White Denzel.

You know what I mean?

You know, the way black people will just support a Denzel movie.

We will support my people, Whitey, we will support whatever Tom Tom Cruise jumping off something.

We will fucking show up for that shit.

I'm just thinking how funny it is to call fucking Tom Cruise white Denzel.

Anyway,

oh my God, wouldn't that be amazing?

What if they, you know, like that movie Face Off?

What if they redid a Denzel movie and redid a Tom Cruise movie and they both switched?

Tom Cruise was the equalizer

and fucking Denzel was Maverick.

And they wrote Tom Cruise lines for Denzel.

And they wrote Denzel lines

for Tom Cruise.

That would be fucking amazing.

Or is it just a sketch?

I don't know what, but I'll tell you what.

Thank you to both of them.

You know,

I've seen arguably every one of their movies.

Just about.

There's always a couple that I might have missed.

But like,

I don't think people understand how hard it is what they do.

Like, they just keep picking movies that you want to see.

I remember thinking I was a casual fan of Tom Cruise, and then they listed all his movies, and I was like, I think I've seen all of those, but two.

I had no idea.

So, anyway, if there's something,

you know,

Top Gun's fun.

Sorry, Mission Impossible is fun.

And then if there's a really good, like,

one of them, I'm smart too, if there's a good movie out there as far as like plot, you know, not watching a guy riding a dirt bike off of a skyscraper in fucking the Middle East before landing on a Parasail and getting into a squirrel suit,

you know, and then landing on a Hope Diamond, whatever the fuck's going to happen in that movie.

Which was the one where he rode my favorite one, was the one where he rode the motorcycle through Paris because I've always wanted to ride a motorcycle in Paris, and then I get to Paris and I'm like, these people are fucking insane.

I'm too afraid to ride out here.

I am not Tom Cruise.

I'm not Billy Cruz.

I'm not Tom Burr.

Just a man on foot on his way to a batissarie.

Boulangerie, pardon,

bon bou jeux, monsieur.

Je bredet on

panon charcalotte, et deu

croissant bu.

Um, anyway.

Um,

what am I up to here?

I've done 18 minutes.

I got to do at least like fucking 20.

No, I don't, because I'm going to talk about the benefit.

But what I could do is get the fucking Reeds out of the way.

Get them out of the way.

Need this area clear.

So anyway, let me just be clear here.

Congratulations to the Knicks.

As long as I don't meet Knick fans, I really love the Knicks.

I love their colors.

I love the whole New York and basketball.

All the legendary players that have come out of New York City and all of that, I think it's an abomination

that the Nets move to Brooklyn, that there are two teams.

I just don't understand that.

And I think New Jersey has gone through enough that they should have been able to keep their team.

But in all fairness, if you go back to the ABA, at one point they were the New York Nets with Dr.

J before he went to the Virginia Squires, or did you go to the Virginia Virginia Squires first?

Or was it the Kentucky Colonels?

Then they became the New Jersey Nets.

Then they became the Brooklyn Nets.

So I don't know.

Maybe they came home.

It's kind of like the Los Angeles Chargers.

People down in San Diego are like, you know, what the fuck?

But they initially were the Los Angeles Chargers.

But it was only for like two seasons, 60 and 61, I think.

And then they moved down to San Diego.

Poor San Diego, man.

How many teams have come there and then left?

The Clippers, the Chargers?

I guess that's it, but you know, they only have the Padres left.

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This is a recording.

All right.

And through the magic of editing, when I come back, I will tell you about the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit and all the happy times that I had.

Hopefully.

Hopefully.

All right, that's it.

I'll see you.

Oh, I mean, I'll see you in two seconds.

All right, I'm back, but I haven't done the benefit yet.

I actually realized that I have to do, I have something tomorrow morning, so I'm not going to have time to do this.

So I'm going to do the fucking questions, and then tomorrow morning, I will do a quick thing about the benefit after these questions.

After these messages from you.

All right, let's get into the questions for the week.

My favorite thing, you guys writing in, letting me know that I'm not just talking to myself.

How advertisers use your personal information.

All right, this is interesting to me.

I wonder who wrote this.

Is this an advertiser person?

Is this somebody who's trying to help me out?

Is this the Illuminati?

All right.

Hey, Billy Incognito.

I've been a big fan since I was a freshman in high school in 2014.

Oh, all right, that's awesome.

All right, since graduating college three years ago, fuck, I'm old.

I've been at an ad agency as a media planner.

Basically, I tell my clients what they should spend their advertising dollars on.

A lot of this job is learning how to target the audience your client wants to reach through audience data.

This made me realize not only just how much of our data is tracked, but more importantly, how people actually use it to target advertising.

For example, I remember your bit on grocery stores, save-y save fucky fuck cards.

Oh, yeah.

How grocery stores track what products you can't can't live without so they can jack the prices up.

I can't confirm or deny that, but I can tell you how data vendors have explained the way I can leverage in-store shopper information in my campaigns.

I love how you're, you're not going to like, are you like scared to say what we already know?

Can't confirm or deny it.

You sound like a senator testifying.

But I like this.

I like the whole cloak and dagger vibe of this.

Basically, they track how regularly you purchase a product to know when they should start advertising that product to you.

For example, let's say you buy eggs and three weeks later you buy eggs again.

Now that stores know you'll likely buy eggs in another three weeks, so after two weeks they'll start showing you ads for eggs.

Well, why would they do that?

I'm already buying eggs.

You already have me.

What am I going to forget?

There's eggs?

Or are you just using a simple example?

I don't know.

I once read a case study about a successful campaign for 7-Eleven that creeped me the fuck out.

Their coffee sales had declined at their gas stations, and they wanted to know why and how they could bump their coffee sales back up.

This is all these fucking people care about, is making more money, and they don't care who has to suffer.

By tracking unique cell phone...

Well, I don't think I should lump 7-Eleven in with corporations that profit off of war.

All right, relax, Bill.

Sorry, I had an afternoon cup of coffee.

What do you want from me?

By tracking unique cell phone device ID data through cell phone towers.

What?

By tracking unique cell phone device ID data through cell phone towers, where did they get that from?

Wi-Fi networks and device location services.

They found that people who stopped stopped at 7-Elevens for gas were very likely to have either just come in from a Starbucks or Duncan or stopped at a Starbucks or Duncan immediately after filling up.

Creepy.

So if these advertisers are doing this, what is the government doing when they're watching you?

I always love these people who like try to like downplay conspiracy theory.

You know, and they always try to make it seem like it's just a bunch of morons and that they're fucking paranoid.

And then meanwhile, this is just what 7-Eleven is doing.

This is 7-Eleven, this isn't the CIA, this isn't the cops trying to catch a serial killer.

This is just 7-Eleven following you and your fucking Dodge Durango down the fucking street.

Okay, also just to piss you off even more, this isn't pissing me off, this is like

confirming, and it's also like also

more shocking than

pissing me off.

Okay, also just to piss you off even more, the location data they use is not something you can turn off on your device

when it asks you, ask app not to track.

Oh, I know.

I always thought that that was the funniest thing ever.

Like people who go on incognito mode

on the internet, that's just the illusion of choice.

Like, well, I shut that off and now they're not paying attention.

So then what?

If you're planning to murder your wife, you're on incognito mode, so they can't see that you're looking up trash bags and, you know, where to rent a boat.

There's no incognito mode.

All right.

Rather, you must opt in.

I think the people that can get around it are the people that set it up.

You know, people that actually know about computers can actually

go on a computer, but even then, they have to go on as somebody else.

So, I feel like their identity theft is going online as somebody else um

okay anyway continuing on rather you must opt in those to those services when you accept the terms and agreements when you set up a new device such as your phone laptop smart tv etc oh so you can oh you must opt into those services when you accept the terms and agreements when you set up a new device such as

I never see any options it just says do you agree to terms and agreements?

And I scroll through five fucking pages of

the contract.

I don't never see any choice.

Anyway, hope this creeps you out as much as it does me.

Well, let me ask you this: how do you feel about being in that line of work and helping them out?

You know, maybe if smart people like you that understand how this data is being used stop helping these people and started blowing the whistle like Snowden,

you know, maybe started whacking some some CEOs like Luigi.

You know, we could turn that.

That's the only way

these guys aren't going to stop.

Anyway, I mean, I don't know.

Anyway, I hope this creeps you out as much as it does me.

I have countless other examples of things like this.

It's seriously insane how much data they have on us.

Congratulations on Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, and I think your performance in season two of the Mandalone Lorian is truly spectacular.

I know you're not a Star Wars fan, but you should seriously check out Andor.

No, no, no, I, you know,

listen, you gotta understand, like, two big misconceptions.

I don't like Philadelphia and I don't like Star Wars.

Both of those exist in the same thing.

Okay?

Star Wars fans did nothing to me other than get excited during a period of my life when I was just a cunt.

and I was an angry man.

So I saw them excited about Chewbacca, so I made fun of Chewbacca.

That was it.

That was just it.

It had nothing to do with the franchise, to be honest with you.

It's definitely for kids.

It's not something that I watched.

Mandalorian is something I would watch because they made it more like a Spaghetti Western, but like, I'm not excited about the Jawas and the fucking, the little fucking pookie bears there

on, you know, the fucking planet.

Those things jumping up and down, whatever those things were.

It was for kids.

I get it.

You know what I mean?

There was a time I liked Sesame Street, but there was a time I was too old for the Muppets.

Take Manhattan.

That's all.

That's all I'm saying.

Not trying to piss.

And then Philly, I just made fun of Philly because it happened in Philly.

That was it.

That was it.

I have no.

I don't give a shit about that.

They're in the fucking National League.

They're in the NFC.

I got no beef with these people.

It's just, we had a bad night.

When you get mad, you say a bunch of things you don't mean.

You just, you just, you know, the Greeks once said they used to view having a temper as temporary insanity, and I 100% believe that.

Yeah, I didn't want to throw the base of the mic stand into the crowd and hit a baby.

I didn't.

But you can choose to believe that.

Anyway, it's an adult espionage show set in the Star Wars universe.

Yeah, see, I would watch that.

Is it like Blade Runner?

I like that.

And the creator has openly said he doesn't care about Star Wars at all.

He just wanted to make a good show.

All right, well, that's cool.

All right, A Job Stealing.

Okay, dear Bilbo, Bag Tits.

Huge fan here.

I was able to catch your Drop Dead Years set live at the Hollywood Bowl, and I was laughing my fucking ass off the whole time.

Best special yet.

I thought you might want to know about this new AI company popping up in San Francisco, where I live, that is directly stealing jobs from college grads.

Alright, these freaks call themselves artisans and they are virtual BDRs, business development reps.

A BDR is essentially an entry-level sales position for grads trying to break into the business world, a starting position to move up in that company,

a spot to learn about an industry, to gain experience, etc.

I myself started as a BDR selling data to real estate developers.

I learned about the industry.

Now I am a developer.

Good trajectory, right?

These dipshits don't seem to think so.

The word, whoops, ah, went to the top.

Sorry, guys.

And I now know why.

I was scrolling up and I, that's what I do, is I scroll up and then I touch the top of the phone and then here we go.

And the old me used to flip out because I didn't understand.

I felt powerless.

And then I was giving the information I needed by a listener.

That's just sorry, I was just reading a treatment for the Oprah Network.

Anyways, the worst part are

their creepy ass billboards.

They feature this AI-created broad with fake blue eyes with captions like, stop hiring humans.

Whoa,

that's aggressive.

Artisans won't bail on work

for a Napa trip.

Now they're blaming you for being human.

This is happening in San Francisco and my favorite.

Ava won't miss work after a long light, long night at Balboa, a famous bar down the street from the billboard.

Wow.

Okay, these people that make these things, I am telling you right now.

These people are a fucking virus.

There's human beings out there that are a virus and need to be fucking eradicated.

And virus people, for whatever reason, are built to tell normal people the direction that we are all headed in.

But there's another part of me that thinks that that's God's plan if you believe in a higher power.

I think it's all sort of the

you know that there's bacteria in your gut

that is there your whole life for when you die.

And when you die, for whatever reason, it activates.

And its job is to

begin the decomposing process.

So I feel like sociopaths, narcissists,

and people that are just,

you know, one of these, you know, win at any cost.

You know, fake it till you make it, these psychos

with no boundaries.

I feel like

their their job is to end the human race.

And everything on this planet has a beginning, middle, and end.

And

I think God's just watching it like a TV show.

And this is sort of the

you know that movie Westworld?

Like all the different periods,

technology from cavemen to like Roman times,

you know,

colonization, slavery, world wars, all of this shit has just been like,

you know, different period pieces to watch.

And then when the robots come, God's just going to be watching it like he's watching like Blade Runner or something.

But it will all be wildly

entertaining.

And

I think these sociopaths will always keep us divided.

We'll never be able to fight back against them.

And what will be their

what will take them out is the same thing that's going to take us out, which is technology.

That's what I think.

But I'll tell you this, man, they can't stop you from having a good time and being nice to another human being.

You watch these politicians get paid off by these AI people.

And, you know, if we start rebelling against robots, these robots will get rights.

And if you tip over a robot in the future, it will be considered a hate crime.

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Anyway, sure, these demon corporations will save money in the short term on wages, but hiring a BDR is how companies identify talent and promote from within.

I'm laughing to myself thinking about the day when they come out with AI sales managers and AI execs.

So fucking short-sighted.

Yeah, they'll basically get run over by the bus that they think they're on.

Yeah, that's how the world works.

Everybody thinks they're on the bus, but you're really hanging onto the hood ornament like Indiana Jones.

Anyway, I have attached pics of the billboard below if you want to tweet about it.

Thanks for the laughs and go, fuck yourself.

Wow.

Wow.

I mean, that's like a

watershed moment in advertising.

It's not a good moment, but

it is

a definite

things are not the same again.

The first billboard

that is

openly hostile towards human labor.

Wow.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know what it's going to take.

What can you do to bring us all together as human beings?

That's not, that, that type of stuff does not care about red or blue ties.

You guys got to get out of this politics stuff.

You got to get out of these ideologies.

You got to get out of this.

You're a conservative.

I'm a liberal.

You're a snowflake.

I'm a this or whatever.

Got to get out of that stuff.

Racism, all of that stuff.

It's all designed so this stuff can take us out.

Just keeping us divided.

It's so, there is an us and there is a them.

But the them is not who you think it is, and it's a small handful of fucking people.

Anyway, but everybody thinks that's

tin fucking hat, whatever the fuck they say.

I don't know.

All right, 38-year-old atheist reads Bible for the first time.

All right, cool.

All right.

Hey, I was actually thinking about reading the Quran because I've heard all of this other stuff.

And I heard the Koran is you're not born with original sin.

You know?

I mean, I'm not going to get involved in any of these things.

I'm just interested in different philosophies.

You know, kind of like, you know, how Bruce Lee was, I'll take a little bit of this.

I'll take a little bit of that.

I do do that with religion.

You know, I look at different groups beyond the religion.

You know, what I've done a lot is gone to different

religious and race weddings and seen the difference between an Irish Catholic wedding

with the big concern is, is there open bar or is there not open bar?

versus other things where it's not alcohol-centric.

I'm not saying everything I went to, I was blown away by, but

there was definitely more of a focus on, isn't this great that these two people are getting together?

Which I did not find

at the open bar thing.

Anyway, all right.

38-year-old atheist reads Bible for the first time.

Hey, Bill, earlier last week,

a very friendly neighbor in his 60s stopped by while I was gardening.

We chatted and he mentioned my 1987 Alfa Romeo spider.

Not as fancy as it sounds.

Is that the one where the gear shift looks like it's on the dashboard?

It's like coming,

it's coming straight out of the dash like some fucking dick in a glory hole porn.

The truck stop shifter.

Not as fancy as it sounds, but it happened to be out of the garage while I was doing some woodworking.

He said he always liked my car and liked seeing it when I brought it out.

He also mentioned that his late son was fond of them as well, so I gave it to him.

He gave him the car.

That act stuck with me for several days.

It was so strange.

I actually felt an odd nervousness, like I had just done something wrong.

For whatever reason, I decided to treat this like a small nudge from the universe.

My very religious, non-denominational Christian mother had been pestering me to read the Bible, to which I refused until now, so I gave it a shot.

I would read the Bible.

You know, I would fucking read anything.

What do Jewish people read?

I'll read their thing.

I don't care.

Like,

I don't have any more fucking answers not reading that shit than I do reading it.

I can tell you that.

I read through it using the assistant of Chat GPT.

Oh, God, what's that?

Some AI-based fucking spiritual guru to bounce questions off when I didn't understand something.

When I finally had finished reading the entire Bible and had no more questions left, I summarized what I had just read, and it just wasn't anything I'd ever heard taught before.

So here we go.

Oh my God, this is amazing.

Are you going to give me the cliff notes on the Bible?

I'll make it short and sweet since you've already listened to me babble on.

No, this is all interesting.

The holy imposter.

In the beginning, there is a controlling, jealous, vengeful God obsessed with obedience and sacrifice.

He floods the world, destroys cities, and commands genocide.

He commands genocide?

You aren't meant to love this God, but fear him.

This is made abundantly clear.

Read the Old Testament yourself.

It's wild.

Then Jews...

Jews.

Then Jesus shows up,

the king of the Jews.

And suddenly, it's out with the old, in with the new.

See, now there's what I feel like.

What is that?

That dyslexia.

I see Jesus, and then I also see

the last word of the next sentence, which is new.

And it causes me to fuck up when I read.

I combine words.

Then Jesus shows up, and suddenly it's out with the old, in with the new.

Jesus talks about a father who forgives, who doesn't need blood, isn't jealous.

He doesn't say fear God, but to love your enemies.

He doesn't kill, he gets killed, and he forgives the one doing it.

So either God had a full personality transplant, or Jesus was talking about a different God entirely.

All right.

These are great notes, and I am just as confused.

All right, the rest of the Bible starts building a new system around Jesus, just like it did around the first God.

But if you read it as it is, with a normal skeptical mind,

it's a very obvious story.

Could it be that this is just a story about an imposter God and a man who saw through it?

Wow, okay,

that is a bit with a big brain on Brad.

Or could you interpret the entire Old Testament as bullshit, specifically aimed to produce the most fear and control, only for Jesus to come through and literally flip tables?

Who's to say?

Interesting, though, right?

You know what I like about you?

Is you're saying

this is what I think it means, but you know, what do I know?

Huge fan.

Love your work.

Keep at it, my friend.

I hope the universe continues to bless you and your family.

Well, you know what?

As much as I trash fucking religion, I've never read the Bible, the Koran, and

what do Jewish people have?

They have part of the Bible, don't they?

I don't fucking know.

I don't know.

I don't understand what the problem.

I don't understand why I need those books.

Just don't be a douche.

Why is that difficult?

Why is that difficult?

Okay, you know what I mean?

You cut somebody off in traffic.

We do little things, but you know, the bigger things.

All right, French movie

recommendation.

Oh, I love this.

Okay.

Hey, Billy, Death Star Balls.

Greetings from Israel.

All right.

Loved your show in Tel Aviv.

Oh, I love doing it.

I had a great time out there.

Stayed there in Jaffa.

The last time I could really say I definitely smoked a Cuban cigar.

Speaking of which,

you know,

I still haven't smoked.

Still haven't smoked.

I still haven't smoked.

I was going through Times Square.

New York.

And

this guy walked by smoking a cigar.

And I'm not going to lie, as he walked by and I smelt the cigar,

I did this big inhale like I was smelling fresh laundry.

Safe to say, I think I still have my tobacco addiction issues.

Oh, God.

Anyway, I says, I just watched an amazing French film named Athena.

It's about the French immigrant ghettos, and it's full of action from start to finish.

Only one gun in the entire movie, and still manages to move you.

Also, Emily is always a good family watch.

Thanks for the laughs.

I'm going to take a fucking screen.

All right.

And through the magic of editing, the 12th annual Patrice O'Neal comedy benefit has happened.

Arguably, that might have been the best one.

Everybody fucking murdered.

Rich Voss hosted.

Sean Patton went on first.

Then I think this was the order it was.

Then it was Rosebud Baker.

I want to say Nimish Patel.

Then DC Benny.

Greer Barnes.

Starvos Halkies.

And then myself.

And everybody absolutely murdered.

It was just a great time.

It was a great back.

A lot of people, you know, especially when we got to like

DC,

you know, and Greer, those are guys, I came up with all of those guys, Rich Voss, and all of them.

It was just so awesome.

Then, of course, shout out to Maureen Taron for putting the whole thing together.

And as always,

dealing with everybody's schedules and last seconds cancellations.

And a shout out to Stavos for he came in and saved our ass.

We had a last second cancellation um

and we had to scamper to try and find somebody and he came in and absolutely murdered not only murdered had to go on after Greer Barnes

and we were all joking that like Greer Barnes kills so hard that

it goes past them loving his act they like love him

So anybody who goes on after him, they should just be like ladies and gentlemen not Greer Barnes.

But somehow Stavos went up and just fucking

just absolutely destroyed and

gave me a buffer.

Greer Barnes is this, you know, there's a number of people that I don't want to go on after, and he has been that guy in that group for since the 90s when I first saw him.

Just kill him.

But the crowd was great.

And,

you know, it was just the usual fun back and forth.

And then thank you to everybody down,

you know, at the stand, Chris and Paul Italy, for

hosting the after party and being so generous,

you know, doing it for comedy and doing for their love of Patrice and everything.

And

it was just a fun night.

D.C.

Benny went up and you know, told a story

about, you know and he said you know he said me and Patrice had a falling out he said but before we had a falling out we had this great hang

and uh then I went on stage yeah I was at TC I'm like I had a falling out with Patrice too we all had fucking falling outs we were all fucking young hotheads getting into fights and then fucking you know being friends like a week later or whatever all that dumb shit you do when you're young.

But it was just great seeing those guys and hearing all the fucking old stories.

And then

I ended up going to the after party and I ran into this guy I hadn't seen in a while that used to book me down at one of the clubs.

I don't know how to talk around this,

but there was a guy that ran a club that was a piece of shit that used to fucking steal from everybody.

And this guy got him back.

It was fucking great.

And we were talking about those days, just fucking laughing.

And he reminded me,

he goes,

you know, this guy I knew had come to town

and he goes, you remember, he said, you came up to me, he said, hey, you know, get that guy some spots, man.

He's funny.

Give him, you know, fucking look out for him.

And

I was like, I said, I don't remember saying that.

I said, yeah, you fucking looked out for him.

That made me feel good about myself.

Because people used to do that shit for me.

You know, this is way back before like, the internet.

All you had was word of mouth, and somebody had to go in and fucking vouch for you.

And,

you know, and that's something that I never forgot as far as like,

I remember leaving Massachusetts and coming down to New York and just

wondering, how the fuck?

am I going to get in at these clubs

and going in there and every there was always some miserable motherfucker working to, you know, no,

unless you're past here.

I mean, you can hang out over the bar, but don't bother the regulars and da-da-da-da.

You know, you just paid your dues.

You had to fucking go through that shit.

And

I already have enough white guys.

I was fucking Lucian, rest his soul, up at the fucking strip.

There was this other guy over at the fucking

stand.

I remember he had something going on with a tooth in front.

I just worked in in a dental office, so I knew he had a temporary crown or something.

I remember that.

That's the only thing I remember was the crown.

And him telling me, like, just, oh my God, like, I literally walked up to him to say that I had moved to town.

And he looked at me like I'd literally sucked the last ounce of fucking life out of him.

Like, he's like,

there was a guy like that in Boston, too.

Oh, my God.

Like, Nick's comedy stuff.

He'd passed away too.

That fucking guy.

You'd start talking to him and he would just take both hands and just start rubbing his face.

And he'd be like, all right, man, forget it.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm asking you for stage time.

I'm not asking you to help me move.

So there was always cunts like that.

So like whenever I see like young comics,

I always try to tell the same thing that I got, you know, hang out.

You're going to get in.

Just keep, just don't quit.

Fucking, what happens is, is you get in at one, and once you get in at one, the others start to fall, and then you're fucking in and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

blah, and it's all that shit.

So, anyway,

once again, thank you to everybody who came out.

It was such a great time.

And thank you to the New York City City Center.

We've been doing it there every single year.

We never have a problem with them.

And

then, of course, a shout out to Patrice's mom, the person that we do this for, because we love her.

It just was all around great vibes and everything.

And once again, thank thank you to all of you that came out to the show and everything.

It truly is a great thing that you are a part of every year and that you come down and help us out.

All right, that is it.

That is the podcast.

Have a great Monday.

Go fuck yourselves.

And I'll check in on you on Thursday.

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