Windsor Knot, Phone Functions, 'The View' Gripes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-1-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in on you

woo what's going on Hawaii

all right well I owe you guys an hour today I'm gonna do the best I can to get through all of this because I

went a little short can I just I'll do like 45 minutes I do have to go to the gym because I don't want to be old Billy Blubber Billy Blubber tits.

I don't want to be that.

You know, I did this gig the other day and somebody gave me a free hoodie and it was the pullover.

And I got to admit, you know, I appreciate the gesture, but I am, I don't want,

I'm a zip-up guy.

You know what I mean?

I feel a lot more comfortable

with like a zip-up.

Like, I don't feel like if you have the pullover, there's something like really, like it's really up on your neck and you're really aware of the hood.

You know, it feels like it's heavier.

And then, you know what the worst is?

Is if it's too hot out and you have the hoodie on, there's no way to take it off gracefully in public without your fucking dad bod torso hanging out the bottom.

You ever done that at like a fucking coffee shop or some shit, right?

And you go to fucking lift it up

and...

Your stomach comes out and then there's that place, you know, where the the sweatshirt is passing over your head and you can't see.

It's like those submarine movies where they're running silent, running deep, right?

They don't know what the fuck's going on.

The depth charge is coming or whatever.

And

when the hoodie comes fully off your head, you always see like two or three people quickly look away and you're like, you know,

you know, they saw it.

They saw all the mistakes you made during the pandemic, all those ice cream sandwiches I fucking ate.

I know they saw it.

And they're looking away because they don't want me to feel bad.

And I love them for that.

But I saw you look away.

So I know what you're thinking.

And what you're thinking is right.

You're thinking, thank God, I am not an old bald ginger that had to take a full hoodie off.

That's a full hoodie.

And I would say the zip-up is a

half a hoodie.

The half a hoodie.

I like this.

That one is like casual.

You know what I mean?

I can take that thing off while keeping the conversation going.

You know, and nobody has to see anything unsightly.

Why did I say full hoodie and half a hoodie?

Why did I use that reference?

You may not have asked.

Well, I'll tell you why I said it, goddammit.

Sorry, I'm in a really stupid mood.

Because this week, you know, I wear a tie every night and Glen Gary, Glenn Ross.

By the way, by the way, congratulations to Bob Odenkirk.

He got the Tony nomination for playing Shelly Levine.

And I have to tell you,

okay, if you haven't seen the play, the level that Bob Odenkirk is fucking killing it every single night and he does it different

every night.

The dude is a fucking

beast, and he is the engine of that show.

The Shelley Levine character, that's you know, sort of the whole through line

of this voyeuristic look into the

sales world is so much through his whole story arc.

And this is a part that he's wanted to play for so long.

And I remember the first night when we opened and I saw him

you know start the play John John John John the way he starts and I got like such like a fucking

rush

seeing that

being like he is on Broadway we just opened and he's playing Shelly Levine and he always wanted to do this and he got the

and he got a Tony nomination, which is really, really fucking awesome.

So

you got to come down and see why

he got the nomination because he is he's

he's fuck him and Kieran I'm telling you are like fearless those fucking guys every night something different

now I got to everybody Donald Weber everybody is I've learned so much from everybody in this cast and it's just a great fucking cast.

So anyway, this week when I was on the show,

you know, I don't know how to tie a tie.

I tie a a tie like Donald Trump.

Like, you know how it hangs all the way down?

It hangs all the way down

because he doesn't know how to wear it.

Oh, knowing him, he's a fucking sociopath.

It's probably like something he read in like one of those art of war books, those mind control books that, like, he's suggesting he has a bigger dick than you, just

a bigger,

shinier, habitashery

type of

dick than you, or whatever.

But me, I just didn't know how to tie a tie.

And, like, you know, I was just excited with the knot that I was tying that I could somehow get it not to be hanging down in my dick.

But I still would fuck it up a lot.

So, I finally,

you know, I just went on YouTube and I learned how to tie a full Windsor and

a half Windsor this week.

And it's like the level of joy that it brought me.

I can't even just, like, I don't fucking,

however, I am wired, learning how to do new things could be the stupidest little thing.

Like my whole time growing up, I always loved those guys that could whistle loud without having to stick their fingers in their mouth or anything like that.

And just one day I went on YouTube.

I'm like, I'm going to learn how to do that.

And

I learned how to do it.

And the amount of cabs I've been able to catch

by being able to do that.

When my kids have a bunch of friends over and then it's getting too fucking loud.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Everybody just stops, settled down.

Right?

YouTube.

The internet doesn't have to all be lies

and fucking free porn.

There's things you can learn out there.

You can learn how to play guitar, drums.

Finally, you know, your dad wasn't in your life.

You can learn how to fucking tie a tie.

So, anyway, what I do is I do on the single day ones, I go with the full Windsor.

But now I learned how to do the half-windser.

So, now what I'm doing, yesterday we had two shows.

I did the half-windser on the first show, and then I did the double, the full Windsor on the second show.

And,

you know, at first it just looked like a big square, but now I got the nice V going

and it fucking hangs right down to my waist.

I look like I'm on Bonnie Miller.

And I, you know,

I don't know why.

It just sent me over the, sent my mood over

the fucking moon.

I don't know why stupid shit like that gets me so goddamn excited.

If I learn how to play a new song in the guitar or fucking play drums, I'll just learn something.

I don't know what it is.

I get fucked.

That and finishing my laundry.

When I get do my laundry, when I go and I put it in the dryer,

okay, I get a dryer, it's available, and I put it in there and I press the fucking thing.

And I just, to me, right then, my laundry's done.

Even though I still have to go down and get it, and I have to take it out and fold it and bring it back to my apartment and everything.

There's just something about when I hit start

and it's done, and there's nothing in the hamper, like the level of satisfaction that that gives me, you would think I got a fucking MBA.

Basically, what I'm trying to tell you guys is, I'm a very simple-minded person.

Yeah, I'm a fucking.

I'm an idiot.

There's so many little stupid things that you can learn how to do.

You ever learn how to just like flip an egg over easy in the fucking

pan without using a spatula?

You ever do that?

Have you ever done that?

How scary it is?

And then that, you know, and you always, you got to commit to it.

Because the first time you don't, and then it sort of falls on itself and it breaks the yoke.

And that, that, that, like that, as much as finishing my laundry makes me excited.

When I make an egg over easy and I break the yoke when I go to flip it over, I mean, I

really have to work hard to not look at that as like an omen of how my day is going to be.

But when you fucking, you know, you got to have enough butter and you shake it back and forth to see that it's going to slide.

You just give that fucking thing out and fucking back and then it lands.

And if you do that with two of them side by side and it looks like you know you're working in a diet, like you went out to a diner or some shit.

You already got your bacon going and it's crispy.

And you make a cup of coffee and your fucking latte art looks all right.

And you sit down

and you're like, I did this.

And then you look around and you're just in an empty apartment and you quietly start weeping

as the deafening sounds of the crunchy bacon being chewed inside of your skull

amplifies your depression.

It's the little things, people.

It's the little, like, at this point,

with how fucking depressing the leadership in this country, which is really not leadership, it's just they're leading by dividing.

The shit that these guys are doing, they are setting race relations back to like 1965.

And the fact that everyone, meaning my people, white people who don't think that way, are sitting by passively allowing this to happen.

And I'm talking about Republicans too, because they always try to make everybody out like they're wearing this red MAGA hat and they don't know how to spell.

That's just

media bullshit.

Those aren't the people that got that guy elected.

Staunch Republicans, you know, I believe in the ideology of the right.

That's what gets that guy elected.

All right.

What gets fucking Sleepy Joe elected is not that chick sitting on the ground screaming, nah.

It's staunch, whatever you call them, like die-hard liberals

just voting blue, right?

And,

you know, I don't know.

I'm wondering, is anybody who like just are voting for the Republican ideology not necessarily this guy?

Are you concerned at all

by how much

he seems to just overtly hate people who aren't white

and the level of pain and the wounds that are not healed that he's going and reopening.

I just don't understand.

I don't understand.

I understand it.

I understand because I grew up with narcissists.

So I understand like that's how they feel feelings is like literally hurting people.

I just don't get it.

And I don't think that that has any place in either political ideology and that everybody collectively should be like, hey, man, you know, you want to have a conservative ideology.

That's fine.

But to be like...

Pandering to fucking racism is not good for this country.

It's not good for anybody.

And it's astoundingly ignorant.

And you need to stop it because it's depressing everybody.

You know?

And we all have our ways of dealing with it.

Some people go on YouTube and learn how to tie a tie.

Oh.

Anyway.

Anyway, what a fucking,

what a fucking world.

And where is Jesus?

When is he coming back?

I actually,

I don't think Jesus is coming back.

And why would he?

I just keep picturing God,

you know, looking into his bedroom going,

okay?

You ready?

You ready?

And he's sitting there going, what do you mean am I ready?

You want me to go back down there?

Sorry, I'm cleaning up my fucking table here.

Got a bunch of goddamn crumbs on it.

I'm a paper towel guy.

And this is how I clean it off.

I just brush it onto onto the fucking floor and keep saying I'm going to go to a fucking hardware store and buy a vacuum cleaner, but I'm not.

We all know that I'm not.

Keeps poking his head and going, hey, you know, I think it's time you went, but

I don't want to go back down there.

Well, when are you going to stop smoking?

You got to think weed is legal and has always been legal

in heaven, right?

That's actually a stupid thought.

You're in heaven.

You don't need weed.

I think Jesus would with all that trauma.

What is his dad going to say?

I needed to go back.

When are you going back?

When am I going to go back?

I don't know.

When I feel like getting nailed to something again?

Well, maybe you should add another kid.

I will not get a haircut.

You know, I just feel like he has every right to push back and not want to come back down here.

Hey, dad, I got an idea.

Why don't you go down there considering you made all of that stuff?

Let me tell you something, son.

You're going to go down there, and I want you to divide the good and the bad, okay, and get back to me.

Okay?

It's like you're giving them chores to do.

Dad, I didn't create this mess.

Jesus Christ, you're just like your mother.

Anyway,

what else did I want to talk about?

Oh,

I have my first real show.

My first real show coming up.

Well, I did the church one, but I'm doing an hour up in Portchester, this really cool theater.

I think it's a state theater.

I don't know what it's called.

I've done it before.

Legendary, one of those theaters where you get in there and you see all the posters and you can't believe you're on the same show.

And I went out to Gotham last night and I had the best time.

I had a great show, two great shows.

Oh my God, the first show.

I always take like a sip of water before I go out there because I have a lot of lines.

And

I don't know what happened.

Right before the lights went on, I went to swallow, but instead I inhaled and I fucking inhaled this water.

I like waterboarded myself.

And rather than like clearing my throat, which you would do in real life and which I should have done,

logist amazing, like Kieran and Bob would have, or Donald, they all would have done it.

But me, I'm, you know, I'm still learning how to act.

I just went like right into it.

So I was saying,

like, my first line

like all this water, right?

And then I was thinking with the other actor, he, and when he speaks, I'm going to fucking be able to clear my throat.

Even though I'm mic'd up, maybe I can get away with it.

But he doesn't, the whole fucking thing is the scene is all I do is keep interrupting the guy.

So I couldn't fucking clear my throat.

And I did the first page and a half of the dialogue waiting for the water in my windpipe to dry.

And my voice sounded weird.

I almost started laughing like 10 times.

And, you know, David Moss is like, you know, a grouchy guy.

And I had like this half a grin on my face because I sounded so fucking stupid.

And Michael, my scene partner, like, he held it together to the point I didn't think he noticed.

But when we got off stage,

I recovered after like a minute or so, a brutal minute.

When I got off the stage, this gut in the elevator, and the second the door closes so we don't interrupt the next scene,

I was already laughing, and he fucking bursted out laughing because, you know, he obviously saw the whole thing.

He's so fucking good.

Like, he's, you know, he's been keeping a straight face with some of the funniest stuff ever.

So I don't know why I would have thought that he would have laughed, but we laughed the whole fucking ride down

to the point it made me happy that it happened because I had such a great laugh with Michael on the way down there.

And then, of course, when I got out there, like all the other people that work on the show, they were all laughing, going, what the fuck happened?

I was like, I don't know.

I went to swallow and I just didn't, I inhaled, you know, when you, you could, you just hail half a drop of water, you're going to cough for a minute.

This was like half a swallow.

I just

went like that.

And I went like, oh, and right as I went like, oh no, the lights came on and my first line is supposed to be delivered.

Oh, fuck.

Listen, if there's a way to fuck something up, you can be guaranteed that I'm going to figure out how to do it.

So, anyway, I had that big laugh.

And then the next show, I made sure that I swallowed, I went down the fucking esophagus rather than the windpipe.

And

I had a great show,

you know,

had some friends come out.

Steph Tollev was there.

It was so great to see her.

And then, you know, we go out, meet the people, sign some shit.

So then I jump in a cab

to go downtown.

Gotham, I got a great cab driver,

you know, really interesting shooting the shit and all of that.

And then

I got down to the club and I forgot to tell them I was coming.

And they were just finishing the show and they saw that I came in right at the right amount, right at the right time.

And

I went on stage and I, oh, sorry, hit the microphone.

I went on stage and

tried out

this new bit,

and it fucking killed.

It was like the perfect night.

It was the perfect night.

And then

I just walked home from there.

And I don't know.

It kind of helped me because my family left that day.

And I just like, I was really just avoiding going home.

But anyway, I just have to get through this month.

Once I get through this month,

it's over.

I mean, the play is good.

When I do the play, I always enjoy that.

It's the between doing the play, just sitting here.

I feel like I am test, not testifying.

I feel like I'm on the jury of some, you know, when they have to sequester a jury.

That's what I feel like.

I feel like I'm in some sort of fucking red roof in

on the like the OJ trial or some shit, and we're not supposed to be talking.

And I know goddamn well someone's already writing a book and that this, all of this time is going to be,

not a hung jury, what they they call it call it a mistrial um anyway

with that let's get into the reads for the week man let's get into the reads for the week uh okay square

space

um

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Now, I'm going to read the

letters from you lovely listeners that I didn't get to read on Monday.

All right, scrolling from top of phone.

Hey there, Scarlett O'Hairless.

All right, I'm going to tell you why that was such a great insult because it was a twofer, if you missed it.

Not only did he call me bald, he called me by a woman's name, so he's also saying I'm a bitch.

So, I mean, I give that, that's a, that's a, I know it can always be better, but that that's a that's a 9.7.

Scarlett O'Hairless.

Man, that's fantastic.

You motherfucker, that was really good.

All right, I'm sick of you bitching about scrolling to the top of your ad reads.

All right, if you're new to the podcast, I'm scrolling and then somehow, I don't know how, it goes

all the way up to the top.

And then I go, what the fuck, fucking stupid Steve Jobs, motherfucker.

And this guy's sick of me bitching about it.

He goes, I'm assuming by looking at you that you have sausage fingers.

I actually don't.

I have piano playing fingers.

You know, I don't have the Elton John sausage fingers.

I have more long, dainty fingers.

Like, I can give you a finger from fucking two lanes over, and you can see it.

So, there's no excuse.

Dude, can I tell you something about me?

If you really want to get to the root of the problem, just default guess

it's because you're a moron.

If you do that, you usually get to the answer quickly.

I don't have sausage fingers, but this person is a, you know, it's actually kind of nice that you think it's because of my fingers and not that I'm a fucking idiot.

So, thank you for that.

You have sausage fingers, so here's what I think you're doing.

Mind you, I'm not there to see it.

Absolutely.

You're not here to witness the stupidity.

And by the way, before you even go any further, thank you for taking the time to help me.

You're reading the ads off your phone.

Be careful when you touch the top of the screen.

Let me just do that.

See, now it doesn't do it.

Now it's just thinking I want to type.

Oh, Oh, there it is.

Oh, sorry.

Didn't mean to yell.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Holy shit.

That's fucking awesome.

That's what I was doing.

Okay, if you're re so it's all the way up to the top.

I have the iPhone 13 Pro.

Are you jealous?

By the way, do you know they're selling refurbished iPhones and headphones in this country?

Like, this is where our economy is.

We used to be like, hey, we're fucking Americans.

Don't we buy fucking new shit?

Anyway, if you're reading your ads,

be careful not to touch the top of the screen.

If you touch where the speaker is, where you put your ear, it scrolls all the way to the top.

Slash a dumb, well, a dumb/slash useful iPhone feature.

If you're on a laptop or something, I can't help you.

I am on my phone, and you did help me.

Here's hoping to lower your blood pressure a bit more.

Thank you so much.

Where I come from, that person's a good shit.

Dude, he's a fucking good shit.

I like that guy.

You don't like that guy?

I like that guy.

I don't know, dude.

I think he's a good shit.

All right, the view response.

All right, I went on the view and I had a great time.

And people had a problem with it.

So I made fun of them.

And now people are going to respond to my response.

Bill, I'm a huge fan and always will be.

Thank you.

I've paid and traveled to see you five or six times over the last decade.

Well, god damn it.

I think you deserve to air out your fucking grievances if you're coming out to see me.

I disagree with some of the stuff you say, but it doesn't piss me off at all.

Hey, we got an adult.

I really enjoy everything you put out.

I personally think the view sucks because they sit around pushing the same CNN slash Fox type

surface area arguments to piss people off.

I'll be honest with you, I don't watch the show.

I just went on because I thought it would be funny if I went on there.

And I thought that they were all going to be like this misogynistic fucking so-and-so.

And I thought that they were going to come at me and I was going to have a funny back and forth with them.

But it turned out they liked me.

And I actually ended up having a really good time.

That was the point of me going on there.

And also to get in front of

a new audience, you know, because I had to promote the Glen Gary thing.

You know, I mean, you take a gig and they want you to promote it.

Part of being a professional is that's what you do.

Okay?

If you don't want to do it, then you don't take the gig.

That's what I remember like when I was coming up as a comedian

and there would be people, if they had like a private party,

you know, like a lot of Christmas parties or whatever, they would want a comedian and they would say, okay, you know, this is what it pays.

This is where it is.

This is how much time you have to do.

And please don't talk about these topics.

Okay.

Now,

they've told you what the gig is and the parameters from which you can.

This is a private gig.

This isn't a comedy club.

They're not coming to see your show.

They're asking you to come and do a specific show for them.

And they've been nice enough to tell you what what the parameters are.

So if you don't agree with what the parameters are, don't take the gig.

If you agree

with what they're offering, then go there

and do what you agreed to do.

That's being a professional.

Saying, okay, I'll take the gig and then going there and saying cunt and pissing everybody off does not give you Lenny Bruce credibility.

It just makes you an asshole.

It makes you not professional.

So anyway,

moving on.

So, I took this gig, and I have to do all of these promotions, and that's what I was doing.

And people had

some people had a problem with me being on that show.

Anyway,

so they say they

pushed the same

now, goddamn it, it just went to the top, and I didn't touch the top of the fucking thing.

All right, I'm not going to get mad.

I understand half of it at this point, how it goes to the top.

top.

All right.

I really enjoy everything you put out.

I personally, blah, blah, blah.

Okay.

They push the same CNN Fox type surface area arguments to piss people off.

Well, I like that you're saying CNN and Fox.

Some people think only one channel does it.

So if we were best friends or I was your manager and you asked me my opinion, I'd say fuck that show because they're just...

as set on dividing us as any other show.

And then you know what I would say to you?

I would say, yes, but what if I went on that show

and I didn't divide?

What if I went on there and talked about the billionaires that are dividing us?

What if I did that?

And what if I was still me, and when they brought up religion, I said why I didn't like it?

And what if I was able to go on there and be myself in front of an audience that is used to just hearing it from this one side?

What if I went on there and presented a different argument?

Then something could maybe happen, you know, rather than just being, well, this is what they do on that show.

I don't line up with it.

I'm not going to go on.

I look at it like that's a reason to go on, to go on

and say something different.

Right?

I remember Bill O'Reilly, who I'm not a fan of, he went on there and it was fucking amazing.

He got two of them to walk off the show.

It was wild.

And you wouldn't think like if you were his friends, you'd be like, Bill, don't go on that show.

And the fact that he did think so differently, it ended up being compelling.

Whether you agreed with it or liked what he said or not, like I said, I don't agree with how that guy views the world, but I'm not going to sit there and act like when he went on the view.

That wasn't wildly fucking entertaining.

You know, I grew up on wrestling.

You know, you got to have like, you can't just.

Well, anyway.

You would tell me not to do the show.

All right.

And you would be trying to look out for me, which I get.

That's a nice thing.

He says, they don't do long interviews.

They do quick sound bites and make daytime jokes while pausing for claptor every five minutes.

They, like most shows, treat the audience like dummies.

I wasn't motherfucking you for going on.

And frankly, I don't care that you did.

So what does that mean?

You were one of the people who left a comment?

Yeah, I was just making fun of you guys because you guys were like.

I mean, some of you were bringing up Patrice and what he

he would have thought of it like who does that

like if we were face to face would you really say you know what your dead friend would think about that that's what's funny about the internet is how

just unbelievably fucking rude people can be like why would you like you got to take it there i get it you don't like me on the show.

Why do you got to bring up my dead friend?

You don't think that's going a little far?

I'm not saying you did it.

Anyways, but if you want to know why actual fans of yours were saying, fuck that show,

it's because of that.

No, I understood why some people didn't like it, but like, I also don't feel like they watched the interview.

If you watch the interview,

I mean, you can go on those shows that don't line up with you and just be yourself

and just do what you do.

And that's, that is what I did.

And I promoted the show.

And I had a great time.

And they were cool.

And I said things that they didn't agree with, and they were fine with it.

I don't know.

I didn't think it was that big a deal.

And I also thought it was funny that I was on there, or like that I did Kelly Clarkson.

And then what's funny is I did Kelly Clarkson, and I totally vied with her.

And she was funny and had anger issues like me.

I was like, oh, my God, this person, like, this is something the old me

wouldn't have done.

I would have been like, oh, fucking, I'm going to go on a guy show and fucking be a guy and fucking say, what the fuck's up with chicks.

I don't want to do that anymore.

I don't.

I don't want to be that fucking guy anymore.

All right.

This is a new me.

I can tie a full Windsor.

Guys, I'll be honest with you.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm a mess of a human being.

And what I was doing before wasn't working for me.

So I'm just trying some new shit.

All right.

And whatever visceral reaction you have towards it, some of that has to do with me, but maybe some of it has to do with you.

I don't know.

It's just a fucking show.

All right, here's another one: The View.

Bill, we've all sat idly by as you've gone on the same three, four rants twice a week for years.

Ouch.

Okay, but this delusion about not understanding why you're getting called out for going on the view is laughable.

Well, it's because I don't feel like you watched the interview.

I did the same thing I would have done on Conan.

I feel like you guys are letting like how you view the view

putting it on me.

So, all right, so it's laughable.

All right, so you first say that I talk about the same shit every fucking thing, and now that I, the fact that I don't understand your opinion is laughable.

All right, I'll brace for this one.

You're getting called out because you've shit on that show for years.

I know I have.

That's why it was funny if I went on it

for like a fucking decade.

And for you to sit there pretending to not to see that,

throwing out suggestions like the show leans left is so ridiculous that I audibly gasped when I heard it.

Oh my god, did you fan yourself with a handkerchief?

Bill Burr was on the view and he said it leaned left and I audibly gasped.

Oh my good, did you put the back of your hand to your forehead and faint conveniently onto a sofa?

We get it.

I love people who speak for other people.

You've got shit to promote.

It is what it is.

Just do it and don't act like it's nonsensical to hear negativity come your way regarding it.

Sincerely, a long time fan.

All right, I call that the bronze medal.

Will you give yourself the bronze medal for writing and you speak for other people and everything.

All right.

Anyway.

All right.

You didn't fucking like it.

Well, get used to it because

I've done all these other shows a million fucking times.

And I like going on shows that don't think the way that I think

because you get that push-pull and stuff happens.

All right.

That's why I go to all 50 states.

That's why I love talking to people after shows.

I fucking, I live for it.

I just do.

I like it.

I fucking enjoy it.

I like a little bit of confrontation.

I like going on a show going like, this could really go off the fucking rails.

I don't know what's going to happen.

And I thought that that was going to, I kind of thought that that was going to happen on the view.

And then I would, there would be some really funny moment because we think so differently.

And it didn't.

And I said, like,

you know, some,

I don't know.

I said the shit that I said, I would have said anyway.

Like, I don't regret anything that I said on the show, and I don't feel like I rounded off.

And I think a lot of you guys that are criticizing it, did you watch the interview?

You know, where I shit on all organized religion?

That was kind of fun to do that on the view.

No?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Well, whatever.

I don't know.

This is like one of these things where everybody calls everybody else a snowflake and then they say things like, I audibly gasped while watching the view.

It was audible.

It wasn't my usual gasp that only I can hear.

It was an audible gasp.

Oh my goodness.

Well, I don't know.

I'll give you a big fucking hug the next time I see you and the next time I do a daytime talk show.

All right.

I guess I shouldn't have said that it leans left.

I guess it is hardcore left, but I thought there was one person on that that's that's hardcore right.

I don't watch the fucking show.

I thought it would be funny, fish out of water, if I went on it.

I'm sorry I offended your sensibilities by doing the view.

All right.

I still don't think that's a reason to bring up a dead friend of mine.

Women being concise, especially because you didn't know him.

Women being concise.

A future Tony winner, Bill.

Ah, thank you.

Well, I plan.

I would love to do Broadway again.

I would absolutely, like, I cannot fucking tell you.

I know I've said it a million times.

I cannot tell you how much goddamn fun I'm having doing this and all the great people that I've met on this thing.

And I'm so thankful that everybody is fucking cool and there's no egos.

Like, dude, we just hang out in this general area, drinking coffee, laughing, telling stories every day before the fucking shows.

And

that hang is as fun

as doing the show.

And then we did when we were doing the Broadway Cares

thing afterward, raising money,

just watching how each cast member did it and how each person had like a different style, and people were jumping in.

And what I loved about that was I felt like the crowd got to see

how good the energy is on that show.

And Bob,

Tony nominated Bob Odenkirk, Shelly Levine, he did the last one and he did this fucking riff about the history of Broadway.

And it took me back to the first time I saw him do stand-up when I saw him on the A-list on Comedy Central, and I immediately became a fan.

And it was just, it's one of those cool

full circle moments.

Anyway,

hey, future Tony Winner Bill, lady listener here and a loyal podcast junkie.

I've been following you since probably 2003 and have agreed with everything you've said about women.

Oh boy.

I don't think I've agreed with everything that I've said, but you know, but I do stand by a lot of it.

Which doesn't even matter because you're a comedian and it shouldn't matter if people agree or not.

They should be able to take a joke if they're listening to a comedian.

Absolutely.

Having said that, though, if I actually say something malicious and I fucking mean it, you'd know it.

You know, and you'd be right to get fucking pissed about that.

I've been guilty of that.

When I saw you were on the view, I got the irony.

Thank you.

and thought it was fucking genius.

Oh, okay.

So some people got it.

Anyway, on the April 21st show, you mentioned that some women don't feel heard,

but they talk the most, and suggested they be more concise.

See, I don't even remember saying that.

Great suggestion.

My friend's husband died a couple years ago, and she recently met a psychic who told her:

he said he's listening when you talk to him, but he asked that you use less words, be more concise.

Where the fuck did this letter just go?

Went to a psychic and they said that?

All right.

That is funny, but that person just made that shit up, and that was that psychic's own issues.

We fucking cracked up about that because he did used to say that to her.

All right, well, I don't know.

Maybe psychics are right.

I have no, I'm just gonna shut up.

And now, even in the afterlife, he's still asking to shut the fuck up.

And yes, the psychic just offered that up.

Maybe just a lucky guess after spending five minutes with my friend.

Yeah, I would think you'd have to be really good at reading people to do that job.

Love you.

Love that you're on Broadway and everything you've done.

Congratulations on killing it at the Big Gay Gym, spelt J-I-M.

I'm going to the Big Gay Gym after this.

All right, questions about smoking.

Hi, Mr.

Burr.

I'm a dental student from Taiwan.

Ah, my old,

I was in that profession for for half a second.

As I was studying some oral diseases related to smoking, I remembered you mentioned your father, who was a dentist, on the podcast in the past.

Typically, the kids of either parent who works in the medical field tend to be more aware of bad health habits and avoid them.

This made me wonder why you smoked and what your father's reaction was when he first knew you had started smoking.

Well, I started smoking when I was well into my 40s.

And

yeah I knew that it was stupid

but

there was something about smoking a cigar that relaxed me

and

it was a moment of solitude or whatever but I've now realized that I can do that in other ways and then it also is highly addicting and I got super addicted to it so fortunately I have an amazing daughter and she makes me take a hundred days off and

April 27th was the 100th day, and I don't want to start again because I don't want to have to quit again, and I also don't want to deal with the long-term damage of it.

So

I think, like a lot of people, I had some issues, I had some pain, and I turned to a substance rather than facing what was bothering me.

So I probably used it as a crutch, and also I fucking loved it.

Or is that the addiction?

I don't know.

But yeah, that was that if I could go back in life, that would be something that I wouldn't have started doing.

Add that to a long list of things.

Anyway, so I imagine that you're more aware of oral health than other people.

I know that you've been laying off drinking cigars to stay in good health for your family and yourself.

So I'm not trying to be judgmental, just asking this out of curiosity.

Well, I think I just answered your question.

I love all your work.

You and Conan O'Brien are two of my favorite comedians from abroad.

I apologize if my writing doesn't sound natural English, natural because English is not my first language.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Dude, you crossed the English.

You killed it.

Look at these words that you're using.

I'm a dental student from Taiwan studying oral diseases.

You know how to say all that in a different language?

It's amazing.

Aviation story.

Howdy, fixed-wing pilot here who's been in the industry for 26 years now.

This incident happened to me in the mid-2000s when I was managing and flying a couple different aircraft for families in the Central Valley of California.

Oh my God.

Oh God,

these stories make my fucking palms sweat.

This particular day, I was flying a six-seater single-engine Piper Saratoga aircraft from Modesto,

KMOD, to Santa Monica, KSMO.

Oh, that's cool.

I can picture that whole flight because I've done half of it.

Not half.

I've gone up to Bakersfield.

Wow, that makes me miss flying.

So I was doing it with the owner, his brother, and their two wives.

The owner was in the front seat with me while his brother and wives were in the back seat.

We were on an IFR flight plan.

Now, is that because of the altitude or because

of the weather?

Because for you non-pilots, when you fly in Alpha airspace, which is north of 17,999 feet, even on a clear day, you have to file an instrument flight plan.

This guy says he was just north of Bakersfield area at 9,000 feet.

So it must have been cloudy that day.

And there's two airports in Bakersfield, a controlled and uncontrolled.

But at 9,000 feet, you don't have to get on with the tower.

You can just clear that airspace.

So you're on with, it's not

departure, it's not arrival.

I've never done that.

I've been on with departure and I've been on with arrival, but I've never, whatever you talk to in the middle, you're on with them.

So they should be watching you if there's other traffic.

This is making me nervous.

In cruise, when I noticed a shutter in the aircraft,

oh fuck, that I distinctly felt through the rudder pedals.

I immediately began to scan and monitor the engine indication and noticed a couple inch drop in the manifold pressure

as well as a decrease in the oil pressure.

Oh my god.

And are you flying above clouds?

So you'd have to pick out a spot you can't see.

Oh my god.

Shortly after this, a citation jet

who had been restricted above us for their descent had chimed in on the radio to the ATC controller handling us both that he just passed over a single-engine low-wing aircraft that was trailing quite a bit of smoke.

I knew he was referring to us,

so I immediately told the ATC controller we were going to make a left turn and divert to Bakerfield Meadows Airport.

I began the descent out of 9,000 feet, and somewhere around 5,000 feet is when the shit hit the fan.

Oh my god.

There was a loud bang,

and the propeller immediately froze in place.

What are the engine seas?

And it was no longer spinning.

Oil and smoke was pouring out of the vents.

Fuck!

Dude, you're a fucking superhero, because you wrote this, so you survived this.

On the side of the engine, you know, On the side of the engine, Cowling, we still had some distinct distance to the airport.

So rather than continuing the glide with no power over congested neighborhoods and potentially coming up short of the runway into houses, I made another left turn to Bakersfield Municipal.

I know that one.

Airport, L45.

I've soloed up there.

We were now descending out of around 2,500 feet and entered onto a downwind leg for the single runway at L45.

Oh boy, what are your passengers doing?

Oh my god.

I extended the gear with the remaining power of the battery.

Holy shit, I didn't even think of that.

So if the battery was out, he wouldn't have been able to.

Oh my god.

And made the approach to landing on the runway without further incident.

The FBO in the field at L-45 had been listening in on the CTAF frequency and aware of what was happening.

Upon landing, we continued the landing roll off of the runway onto the parallel taxi to be met by an aircraft tug.

Dude,

you landed this thing and you

were able to just roll off the runway right to the guy to tow you in.

That's incredible.

Do you have video footage of this?

They towed us to the FBO where my passengers got in their rental car and continued to Santa Monica.

I got into my rental car and drove back north to where I lived at the time.

I thought to myself, you sure don't need coffee in the morning when you get an adrenaline rush like that.

Since then, I've had jobs flying medevac and corporate aircraft and currently fly the Queen of the Sky, the Boeing 747-400, carrying all of our useless Amazon shit all over the planet.

Can I ask any follow-up questions here?

Like,

what did your passengers,

what were they doing?

When smoke's coming in the cockpit, they hear the noise, they hear the bang, they see

the prop stop spinning.

Like, how did you keep them calm?

How did you block them out?

You're making radio calls, you're you're doing doing all the math, airspeed, and all of that, adjusting for, you know, I don't know how it works in fixed wing, but there's things that you can do to extend your glide

with a helicopter if you're in an auto rotation, all of that stuff.

How are you able to keep people calm

and yourself for that matter?

Was the fact that you could focus on them and be like, it's okay, we got plenty to, you know.

Blah, blah, blah.

Like, I've always been, one time I was in this turbulence

over like Kansas or something, you know, the weather that they've always gotten, and it was the worst turbulence I've ever been in.

I felt like we were going up and down 500 feet every half a second, just getting thrown around.

And in the middle of all of it, and it lasted for like, I don't know how many minutes, people coming out of their seats, people screaming.

In the middle of all of it, the pilot comes on, he's like,

Yeah, we're uh, we're obviously feeling this uh turbulence up here, too.

It's nothing to worry about.

Uh, just give me another uh couple of minutes of this.

And he's saying this as the plane's going

like up and down.

Like, how is his stomach not dropping?

It was so calm, I thought it was a fucking recording.

All right.

Anyway, that was a fun podcast.

I got some advice on how to scroll.

You know, I got feedback on why people didn't like the view.

I learned that.

I think it was a guy can watch the view and have me on there and audibly gasp.

That was incredible.

All right.

Well, I got news for you you guys.

I appreciate your feedback, and

I hear what you're saying.

But, like, I plan on doing many more shows where you're going to be like, why is he on this show?

And that's exactly why I'm going on it.

I'm going on it because I should not be on it.

It makes no fucking sense.

And that's usually when you end up having the most fun.

And I can tell you, I had an unbelievably great time

doing the view.

I did.

And Kelly Clarkson.

I'm still going to do all the shows that I do, you know.

But I'm going to do those shows too.

Because

I don't know.

Because I felt like fucking doing it.

And also, I'm on this show and I had to promote it.

So

I don't know.

It was only two people that wrote in, so I'm not going to act like all you guys don't get it.

I do love that one person was.

I immediately got the irony that you were on the show.

Yeah, it's fucking funny.

I thought, evidently, I don't know.

I wasn't trying to make you audibly gasp.

But anyway,

that is the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves.

Have a great weekend, your cunts, and I will talk to you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 1st, 2017.

What's going on?

How are you?

You like that echo?

I am in my garage.

This is what it's come down to.

It's like fucking a quarter to seven or ten and seven in the morning.

I got to go to the airport.

My lovely daughter is sleeping.

My wife is sleeping.

There's no place in the house for me to scream and yell, so I'm out here in the garage.

And oh, by the way, in less than

about an hour, around eight o'clock,

there's people coming to my house because,

well, you know, the gas line is, I don't know, 96 years fucking old.

So that thing needs to be replaced because it's leaking all over the goddamn place.

That's always fun

to have a a baby in your hands.

You set it down towards the floor and you have to say things to your wife, like,

do you smell gas?

So,

getting that taken care of today, and this is it.

This is where my life is at.

So, I'm sitting here

on my workout bench that I can't use because I fucked up my shoulder.

It's gradually getting better.

This is the longest, most nagging fucking injury ever to try to heal, but I'm almost there.

And this is how I'm going to do it, people.

This is how I'm going to celebrate.

This is the 10-year anniversary of the Monday Morning Podcast.

Can you believe that?

For 10 years, I have been yapping to myself.

You know,

10 years I have not been reading.

10 years I have been making up shit.

For 10 years, I've been saying shit that I thought was true because I heard somebody say it in an airport.

I've been doing that for 10 years.

I want to thank everybody who's been listening.

And I'm going to put

a link to a post, whatever the fuck you guys say.

It's a thing that you click on, and then it goes to the video that you want to watch, which will be

the first Monday morning podcast ever, which I believe was about 90 seconds long.

I'll give you a little history.

I was over Robert Kelly's apartment back, we used to live right around the corner of each other when I was still living in New York City.

And I was over his house, and he was just, you know, it was typical Bob.

He was just like, dude,

you should do a podcast, dude.

This is in May of 2007.

One of the few things I've ever been at the beginning of

podcasting and getting a special on Netflix.

Those are the two things I was at the front.

I remember

for my intro in comedy clubs, I would say, they'd be like, what do you want to say?

Oh, say he's been on this, he's been on that, and you can see he might have seen his specials on Netflix.

And the host would say it, and people would snicker.

They'd laugh in the crowd.

They'd laugh at that credit.

Well, now look at it, huh?

Look at the fucking world-dominating behemoth.

You know?

There's oil companies now that look at Netflix like, God damn, how the fuck did you do that?

Without firing a shot?

How the fuck did you do that?

All right?

So, Netflix.

Netflix and podcasting.

You know, if I was an oil company, I would,

that's what I would do.

I would start coming up with some original content.

You know what I mean?

And just make the show so amazing, you know, that the stars would then go over to those countries.

And while everybody was fawning over the cast of the reboot of Friends, I would then run around the corner and I would start stealing their oil.

That's how I would do it, you know?

It's a lot less messy.

You know, there's the excitement.

Am I going to get caught, right?

Anyways, back in the day.

So I'm over Robert Kelly's apartment.

He's like, dude,

you should do a podcast, dude.

And I was like,

what is a podcast?

You know,

it's like it's a recording, dude.

It's another way to connect with your fans, dude.

Who knows, dude?

Enough people listen to it.

Next thing you know,

you're doing the stress factory Tuesday through Sunday, dude.

And I'm literally just fucking around on it.

And I actually, I called it.

If you listen to my first podcast, you listen to the link.

I actually said it.

I said, this is my podcast.

I was basically repeating everything that Bobby was kind of yelling to me in the background.

And

I called it.

I said, and who knows, maybe this might lead to something mediocre.

And you know what?

It might have taken me 10 years, but god damn it, I got there.

Here I am

sitting here in my fucking garage.

This is not some sort of cool reverb that you're listening to.

This is me in my garage.

You know what's amazing, though, is I got to tell you something.

I don't know what it is.

I'm such a cliched guy.

I fucking love the garage.

The garage is the shit.

You know what I mean?

It takes you back to being a single man when you barely had anything.

Because I have one of those fucking garages, by the way.

I was not going to be the person that had the garage, right?

That, like, you buy shit and there's no more room for the shit in your house.

And then you take some other shit that you used to like and you stick it in a box and then you stick it in the garage, right?

And gradually it starts encroaching on the car, and next thing you know, the car can't be in there, and it just fucking fills all the way up.

Well, you know what you're doing?

You're slowly becoming a fucking hoarder.

That's one of the saddest things.

Actually, you know, I can't understand whether it's sad or whether it's

you're just taking responsibility for

all the shit that you buy in your life.

You know, I guess anybody can take it down to goodwill.

Anybody can throw it in the trash,

take it to the dump.

It takes a real caring human being, a real caring human being to just sit there

in all the fucking shit you bought your entire life.

Every fucking newspaper, every tube of toothpaste, just sitting there suffocating in your own fucking carbon footprint.

You know, I just realized, you know, we shouldn't be looking down at hoarders.

We should be looking at these people going like, holy shit, one human being,

one human being can buy all of that shit.

It's not even a lifetime.

They're still living.

You know, you can have that many pets,

fucking fish tanks, newspapers, and all of that crap.

I don't know how it happened.

I'm sitting there looking over right now,

you know, my neat little fucking garage.

I got like

two two different brooms.

I got this old fucking mop.

I don't even know where that thing came from.

I think it came with the house.

You know?

And I've been meaning to throw that thing out, but where does it end up?

Huh?

Fucking in some beaver's house.

Some stupid mop handle sticking through his little fucking thatch of a roof.

Are those things fast, by the way?

I got those giant goddamn teeth, those fucking horse teeth.

Dude, it's so they can cut through the bark, dude.

Anyway, so it's been 10 years, and I'm actually, you know, I had people on Twitter send in some of their favorite moments, which I'll be reading later.

If I can somehow get this fucking computer to work while I'm out here.

Yeah, so, anyways, let's get on with the podcast.

I didn't know if I even said it.

Thank you guys for listening throughout the years.

Thank you to everybody who's advertised on the podcast.

Whether you liked the read or you didn't, whether you got upset and said, I'm never going to advertise again, whatever.

It was fun.

I had a lot of fun.

So, here's to the next 10 years.

I'm still not going to read, right?

I don't know.

Whatever.

You know what I like, though?

I'm $1.76 right now.

I do like that.

I weigh 176 pounds.

So I'm roughly the fucking weight I was.

I was probably a few pounds lighter, but I got to get down to it.

I got to get down.

The end of the month, next month's my birthday.

I want to be like 170, 171, right?

And you know what?

I get down to that weight.

I get down to that weight guess what then I'll be happy oh then it'll fill the void you know when I go on I put my little fucking Tiger Woods golf shirt on even though I don't fucking golf

anyways is that fucking guy ever gonna win another tournament it really bugs me

It really fucking bothers me that there's a bunch of broads out there that think the reason why he never won another fucking tournament was because of the bullshit of his personal life.

Give me a fucking break.

His body broke down.

That's what the fuck happened.

This guy's a champion.

Do you understand what the champion can do?

A champion can block anything out.

You ever see these guys going up trying to hit the fucking free throws?

Everybody just waving their hands, screaming a bunch of shit about the guy's wife.

What does he do?

Nothing but net.

Nothing but fucking net.

You know, this guy can't handle a little spat.

He gets hit with a golf club, he jumps in his escalade, and he hits a fucking rosebush, and all of a sudden, all of that talent goes away.

I don't know.

I don't buy it.

And I think the reason why some women, some women, look at me, being a little measured in the next 10 years.

Some women, the reason why I think they attribute it to that is because, you know,

I think that they want to buy into that whole fucking thing.

It's behind every good man is a good woman.

You know what I mean?

Which is so fucking stupid, right?

Obviously, if you have a happy fucking marriage, your life's going to be all right.

But that's just another fucking, you know, everybody's always stealing credit.

I always thought it was a Hollywood thing until you get into a relationship.

Everybody fucking sits there.

Oh, now I'm laying down.

There you go.

Now the back's better.

Now the fucking back's better.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Did anybody watch the Formula One race from Sochi

in Russia?

That's such a weird name, Sochi.

That sounds like more like

a Chinese or a Japanese, Vietnamese.

Sochi?

That does not sound like Russian.

Da idu estrovie.

Sochi.

That sounds too happy to be Russian.

But I have to tell you, it was a fucking, that's a what a gorgeous city that is, huh?

You know what I mean?

I mean, Russia scares the shit out of me.

I grew up during the end of the Cold War, so I just figured you're going to go over there in a second.

If you have any sort of,

I don't know, American shit on it, it's just, you know.

I remember being in Finland, being in this cap,

and it blew my mind how close I was to Russia.

It's like, wow, I I can't believe I'm this

far east into Europe.

And I asked the guy if he'd ever been there, and he started telling me about Moscow, how it was, you know, a little dangerous after five.

You know, and I'm just like, and I just did the math in my head.

It's like, all right, this guy's saying it's a little dangerous.

Finland beat Russia.

Finland defeated fucking Stalin.

Okay, Stalin, whose those fucking people ran over the goddamn Nazi army with their Mercedes-Benz fucking tanks, right?

Their Porsche Jeeps.

I can't name one fucking Russian car.

All right?

Just the sheer will and toughness of those people.

You know?

You ever hear those stories of them fucking

running around in their socks in the middle of a Russian winter, just running the fucking German army right back to Germany?

You know?

Well, where else would the German army go back to?

Well, they could have retreated back to Poland.

God knows they fucking took that over, right?

So I'm thinking, you know,

they could beat these guys.

Jesus Christ,

how the fuck would they lose to Finland?

You know,

that's the championship match right there.

That's Cleveland versus the Warriors.

Finland, I mean, I was looking at them like, all right, that's the fucking Warriors versus, I don't know, the Phoenix Suns.

But the,

I don't know, they fucking beat, they fucking kick their ass.

But what sucked for them was at the end of the war, when Germany lost, Italy fell, and all that shit, when the Axis powers lost, they were on the wrong side of the fucking table.

So they went down with them.

It was like a co-op, you know what I mean?

Like if you pay off your shares in the building, you're like, all right, I own my apartment.

It's like, no, you don't.

You own shares in this building.

But if everybody else goes belly up, the whole fucking thing is done.

And then you lose your shares.

You have to go back to renting your apartment or you you have to fucking leave.

That's what it was like.

And that's what happened to them.

They paid off their shares in the building in Italy and Germany went fucking bankrupt.

And next thing you know, that was it.

And they had to give away the southern part of their fucking country or some shit.

They had to give away basically the stadium in which they won the game.

They had to give that to them.

I'm pretty sure that's what the fuck happened.

So, anyway, so I'm sitting there going,

this is the DNA that this guy comes from.

And he's telling me that after five, it gets a little fucking scary.

These are the people that fucking,

you you know,

looked old Yosef

Stalin in the fucking eyes, you know,

fucking kicked his ass.

They were like, we're on fucking cross-country skis.

Cross-country skis, they beat these sons of bitches.

And this guy's nervous, so I was just like, wow,

it's got to be a scary fucking place over there.

And then I'm watching the F1 race, so I'm so cheap.

And

it was fucking beautiful.

It looked like a Ron Howard film starring Tom Hanks.

You know, you had a beautiful city in the background.

You went into a forest and you had mountains and little snow caps on top of it.

It looked like a postcard, like when they take a postcard of Los Angeles.

You know?

Like once a year, it's clear enough where you can take a picture of the downtown LA skyline and then see snow-capped mountains in the background, right?

Because they always say that.

You know, you can snowboard in the morning and be surfing in the afternoon.

And if you're in LA, you're looking around going, where the fuck can you snowboard?

It's because you can't see.

You can't see through all the fucking pollution.

So anyway, so I'm watching this goddamn race from Sochi,

right?

And

I got to tell you, F1, F1 figured it out.

So far, four races in.

Another really exciting race.

I don't know what happened.

They made the tires 30% bigger, and all of a sudden there's more fucking grip, but the downward force, all this shit that they talk about before every friggin' race, I don't know what happened, but all I know, and Ferrari made better cars.

Now, all of a sudden, it's at least you got two teams racing for it, as opposed to last year, where it was just Nico and Lewis Hamilton.

So, anyways, congratulations.

I hope I say, speaking of Finland,

I hope I say this guy's name right.

Mercedes-Benz

tier two driver, the upstart, the Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder, right?

Volteri Boltas.

I hope I said that right.

He's like one of like nine Finnish drivers to ever win a

Formula One race.

So congratulations to him.

Drove a great race.

Sebastian Vettel from Ferrari, second place.

Kimmy

Rokinen.

His name is Rakinen.

Kimmy.

So Chi, Kimmy, Kimchi.

Kimmy Rakinen for Ferrari came in third, and then Lewis Hamilton came in fourth.

I can tell you right now, he wasn't happy.

You know, he wasn't happy.

That guy doesn't give a fuck if his car doesn't work.

He doesn't get it.

He'll fucking run his own teammate off the fucking track.

That's what I little I know about that race.

All I know is if he's not winning and his teammate can win, he doesn't give a fuck.

He's not getting out of the way.

You know, he just doesn't give a shit.

But then he also wins, so whatever.

So I guess that puts

the fuck's his name.

I always fuck it up.

Sebastian Ventel is in first place.

He's got, I think he's got two wins and two second places.

So you get 25, 25, 18, and 18.

So that's 50 and 36.

He's got 86 points.

And I think,

you know, I'm in the garage, dude.

I don't know the fucking internet.

As far as I remember, I think Lewis Hamilton has one victory, two second places, and a fourth.

So that's 25, 18, and 18.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What's that?

61?

36 and 25?

Is that 61?

I'm going to say it's 61.

And he's got a fourth place.

What do you get for fourth place?

Like 15?

I don't know.

He's got, like, I don't know.

We'll say 76 or some shit.

I don't fucking know.

All I know is it's shaping up to be a great year.

And for whatever reason, even though I have German blood in me and no Italian blood, I actually am rooting for the Ferraris just because last year got boring.

Mercedes won every fucking race, so it's good to see Ferrari back.

And by the way, shout out to Force India.

I think they came in eighth eighth and ninth.

Oh, sixth and seventh.

My fault.

If they're having the balls, they have pink cars out there.

Or fuchsia, whatever you want to call them.

You know, they've been like my

other team.

Like, I want to see one of them win a race this year.

I want to see a pink car win a fucking race.

It's just funny to me.

So anyways, I don't even know where the next race is.

I would look it up.

Usually, you know, if I'm not fucking laying on the floor of my goddamn garage, I would know where

the next race was.

I know there's probably a lot of you going like, Bill, why the fuck are you getting into this?

First of all, it's a great fucking sport.

Second of all, it doesn't take a lot of time to watch.

There were 52 laps.

That's it.

You can very easily add that,

you know,

to whatever sports you're watching.

I'm telling you, even during the NBA and the NHL playoffs, because I fucking watched everything.

You know, I watched the St.

Louis Blues, right, this weekend.

Watched them win an overtime game two.

I believe it was game two.

I watched so much shit this weekend.

I watched the last two games, Anaheim versus Edmonton.

Amazing to see Edmonton

all of a sudden looking like, wait a minute, are these guys going to be the Western Conference champions the way they were playing?

And all of a sudden, they got the old right there, Fred from the fucking Ducks in Edmonton, one of those weird series where they're three games in and the home team has yet to win.

A lot of children going home crying during that series so far.

And

I hate to say this as a Bruins fan, but fucking Luchic,

he looks right in that uniform.

And I got a feeling he's going to stay there for a while.

I don't know what kind of contract he's, I don't know, signed up there.

But

Jesus Christ,

he's looking like the old Luchic, just a fucking force of nature.

Remember when he would like to fucking bring it over the blue line and he sort of had control of it, but he didn't?

And he'd sort of just be kicking it in and once somebody else is trying to like fucking stop him.

You just give him a little fucking forearm.

The guy would fall down.

He'd pass it over Bergeron, and he'd score.

Jeez, I missed those days.

Anyways, I've been watching that.

Of course, I watched the Celtics, fucking Wizards.

Oh, the old sports rivalry that most of the sports world does not realize is a fucking rivalry.

These two teams hate each other, but

you know the deal.

It's all about the fucking Golden State Warriors.

It's all about the Cleveland Cavaliers.

And

so no one's really paying attention.

No one's paying attention to these two fucking people.

It'd be like, you know, you got the Rolling Stones and the Beatles, and everybody's like, oh my God, they're fucking amazing.

And then, meanwhile, Herman and the Hermits doesn't get along with the fucking partridge family.

I don't think we're that bad.

I'd like to think that we're not that bad.

But

anyway, so the first game.

To give you a little bit of a background, for whatever stupid reason, earlier this season,

the Wizards were like, we're going to dress all in black when we play you guys because

it's going to be like a funeral.

I was like, oh, Jesus.

Is that what you're going to do?

And then what are we going to do?

Not try?

Are you going to try

extra hard tonight?

Fucking wizards, right?

So,

even with that stupid little fashion statement that they made, they still beat us.

But not because they wore black.

They beat us because they scored more points.

So, anyway, so we're getting ready to go see them.

We're getting ready to play them.

And

my buddy Josh Adam Myers from the Goddamn Comedy Gym

and from the Comedy Gym, they had to clean it up on Comedy Central.

We decided that we're going to go down to a cigar bar and we're going to watch the fucking game together.

He's a big Wizards fan.

And he's a shit talker, right?

So he's been talking shit, you know, because I think they won this.

I think we beat him like once and they beat us like three times.

I I can't even remember.

And he was talking all this shit.

And at one point, they were ahead of us in like the rankings.

They were number two.

We were number three or something like that.

He was just talking all of this fucking shit.

So

the game starts.

Cigar bar doesn't open till 11.

Game comes on at 10.

So I'm sitting there watching the fucking first quarter.

They go up two to nothing.

Then it's five to nothing, seven to nothing.

nine to nothing, fucking 12 to nothing.

16 to nothing.

In case you missed the game, you don't have fucking Sports Center or whatever.

16 to fucking nothing

to start the game.

And you know, the game is, it's over.

If it's any sort of a legitimate, I will, legitimate sport, this game is over.

And I got to be honest with you.

I will never

like 100% be able to believe that basketball is not fixed.

I don't understand it.

I don't understand how one team can spot another team 16 points.

You end the first quarter.

One team's on pace to score 120 points or some shit, and the other team's on pace to score 20, like 75 or some shit, right?

Or whatever, 80 points or something.

And somehow, just it's always, it's a game of runs that out of nowhere.

They start at like

16 to nothing, and then we go on like a fucking 25 to 8 run, and somehow the score is tied, or we're up by like two at the half.

I don't know.

I drove to pick him up, and then we went over to the cigar bar.

So there's a lot of chit-chat going on.

And

by the end of the third quarter, we were up by 15.

We were down 16-0.

36 minutes of basketball later, we're up by 15.

A 31-point fucking turnaround.

Like, do you remember when the Bills came back against the Houston Oilers?

This basically that, that happens just about every other game in the NBA.

I don't fucking get it.

Well, it's a game of runs.

It's a game of runs, is it?

How does one team come out ice fucking cold, the other team can't miss, and then like

I've never had a set where I go on stage and it's just like I'm on, and then all of a sudden I'm off, and then I'm on again, and then I'm off.

That's what happens in basketball.

So we're up by 15.

Josh is losing his fucking mind.

He's standing up, he's pacing, which is hilarious because it's a cigar bar.

It's supposed to be like totally chill.

He's fucking pacing back and forth.

He's slamming down fucking slices of pizza, you know,

like doing like stress eating.

And I'm just laughing.

I was just going, like, Josh, it's the fucking NBA.

This game's going to be tight.

Like, now we're going to do the fourth quarter, and because the third quarter ended, the switch gets shut off, and the other one gets flipped on.

And this is going to be a fucking tie game.

So, what happens?

Fourth quarter starts.

The fucking Celtics can't score a bucket for like the the first four minutes.

And next thing you know, like the Wizards are down by three.

And Josh is sitting down again.

And I'm just laughing.

It's like, how many fucking NBA games do you have to watch?

Which you really do.

If you just want to, if you really get into the games and you feel like you're going to fucking die a thousand deaths, what you should really do is just watch the last two minutes.

God knows that takes as much time as the first fucking 46 minutes.

Just watch the last two minutes because it's going to be like a fucking three-point game, anyways.

And

whatever, the ebb and flow, and then somehow the Celtics pulled away again.

But

I got to tell you, it's going to be a fucking brutal series.

Brutal series.

And I think

Jay Crowder might get kicked out for one game.

There's going to be some sort of physical altercation.

I don't know what's going to happen.

I've been looking into my fucking crystal ball.

I don't know who it's going to be, but somebody's going to get fucking kicked out of the game,

get suspended for a game, because these fucking teams hate each other.

And

you already started to see it happen a little bit in the first game.

They just don't like each other.

But I got to tell you something.

I actually love that John Wall guy.

I love when

Josh showed me this fucking

whatever the fuck, Instagram picture or something like that.

I guess a couple of years ago they lost to the

Atlanta.

What the fuck are they?

The Hawks?

The Atlanta Hawks?

Yeah.

St.

Louis Hawks, the Atlanta Hawks, right?

They lose to him.

And one of the guys on Atlanta,

you know, had a picture of them in the final seconds of winning.

And John Wall has a real sad look on his face.

The dude who posted it's real happy, and then there's another Lana Hawk looking at John Wall, laughing at him.

And

I guess John Wall didn't forget about this.

So when they beat Atlanta, he posted a picture of him, you know, doing a crossover.

And the guy who posted the picture fell on his fucking ass.

I love people that hold grudges like that.

I think that to be great, you have to be like that, which is why Eli Manning is such a fucking enigma.

You know what I mean?

I swear to God, like if you saw that guy in the most

in the final two-minute offense of a Super Bowl, his heart rate is the same as somebody at a fucking bake sale right outside of church.

You know what I mean?

Oh, hey, thanks for coming out.

Oh, look how big your kids are getting.

That's where his heart rate is.

You know, I swear to God, they should just, you know, those dockers he's always wearing with the fucking sweater tucked into them?

They should just make a uniform just to completely psych out the other team.

If I was the Giants, he'd have like a special pair of football pants.

They would be the same color as Dockers.

He'd still have the pads and shit in them, but, you know, some sort of dad jeans.

So anyways, I think the Celtics Wizards is going to go,

I think that's going to go seven.

And I think it's going to be fucking brutal.

I think the Wizards win the next one.

And then I think we split down in D.C.

I think it's just going to go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

They're that evenly matched.

And I don't know.

I always forget the guy's name, that fucking Polish Transylvanian dude, the white dude with the shaved head, whose entire body is as fucking hard as the top of his goddamn head.

I mean, that guy looks like he could have played like fucking

professionally, could have played like at least three different sports.

Could have fucking played some gigantic fucking tight end,

you know?

He's look at his body.

He's like fucking white LeBron.

I know, I know I'm going on a limb there, but I'm telling you, that guy is a fucking beast.

I was joking with Josh going.

His dad fucking grew up in Eastern Europe.

His dad probably fucking beat him with one of those fireplace pokers, right?

We're all laughing.

I was sitting there going like, that can't be the name.

There's got to be a different name for a

fireplace poker.

I'm just saying what it does.

That can't be the name.

And I looked it up, and that's exactly what it's called.

Fireplace poker, that's the best they could come up with.

They couldn't come up with some widget name.

You know, even with like the ladies, they got that thing they put in their hair.

Somebody came up.

What's it called?

It's called a flobe.

A what?

Yeah, a flobe.

The fuck is a floeby?

That's something you stick in your hair, makes it do a couple of whoop-dee-doos.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Let me do, um,

let me uh, let me read a little advertising here, and then I'll talk about what a sad time it is to be a Washington, D.C.

fucking sports fan.

Jesus Christ, all the fucking crying these Cleveland fans did.

Did you ever see a city cry as much as they did?

Oh, we're so fucking miserable.

I mean, maybe they did that in Boston back when we weren't fucking winning, but I always hated that shit.

I remember a long time ago, ESPN did this whole thing, they wanted to have some trial.

Like, who has the more miserable fucking sports fans?

Cubs fans or Red Sox fans?

I remember sitting at home laughing, going, dude, I don't want to win this.

You want to be more, who the fuck wants to be the most miserable?

You know who?

Those fucking, the kind of person you don't want to run into in a goddamn bar,

you know, gonna sit there and just talk about how life fucked him over.

Sorry.

Anyways, let me read some of some of this advertising here.

Oh my god, it's that time.

It's that time of year.

There you go.

You're like that person that graduated high school and never came back to their hometown, and for some reason thinks that they're a success because they didn't.

You know?

You know what makes you a success not leaving your hometown?

It's how you treat people.

And you know something?

That's one to grow grow on.

All right, before I get into the questions here, let's talk about

the Washington, SADSAC, Washington, D.C.

sports fan.

You know what I mean?

After all this fucking shit about Cubs fans, Red Sox fans, fans of Cleveland sports.

Meanwhile, look at fucking Washington, D.C.

Huh?

They have nothing.

Nationals, they ain't winning shit.

The Redskins have been a fucking joke.

A fucking joke for 25 fucking years.

I know what you think.

Well, Bill, they won three fucking Super Bowls in the previous basically 10, 11 years.

Yeah, but you know something?

They got some racist logo on the side.

There was always something to take it away.

You know what I mean?

Weirdest thing ever.

They had some black guy dressed up in the fucking Native American headdress.

Maybe he had some Indian blood in him.

I have no idea.

Native American blood, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say.

You know,

the Capitals, how many times are they going to win the President's Trophy and get bounced out in the second round?

They've won the President's Trophy three times since 2009.

And every time they've lost in the second round, and they've dropped the first two fucking games.

And I was watching the end of this series at home against the Pittsburgh Penguins.

The reptilian, ice water in their veins.

Pittsburgh Penguins, who I'm telling you right now, are going on, and they're going to win their second Stanley Cup in a row.

You heard it here.

You heard it now.

You play it later.

And you will agree with me.

Or you don't ever come back to fucking podcast again.

No, okay.

No, I think they're just going to repeat.

That's what it is.

They're all dialed in.

They got Phil Kessel, they got Crosby, they got the fucking, they got fucking Mark Andre Flower, whatever his fucking name is.

Theo fucking Flurry, whatever that goaltender's name is, he doesn't give a shit.

He's out there fucking doing the old fucking jazz hand stopping everything that's coming, right?

Mark Andre Fleury.

They got Gito.

I mean,

they're just going to overpower you.

That's it.

Or

does Washington, D.C.,

with their capitals, they rise up from the ashes and somehow figure out a fucking way to win game three?

I was watching the NHL network.

This guy was going off, going, this is the biggest fucking game in Washington Capitals history.

And I agree.

They got to do this.

They're saying if they don't do this, they're going to blow up the whole fucking team.

It's going to be sad.

They're going to have to start all over again.

Jesus Christ.

How do you not root for the Capitals in Game 3?

You got to do it.

I'm going to be rooting for him.

Dude, Sidney Crosby, I've been saying this for years.

Sidney Crosby's backhand has more fucking velocity than most guys' forehands.

Most guys' wrist is in the league.

It's fucking insane.

Thank God.

You know something?

God bless his mother for raising him right.

Because I'll tell you right now, with his backhand, thank God he knows how to treat a woman.

Because if he didn't, Jesus Christ, he would make OJ look like a fucking cub scout.

All right, so game three is coming up.

Definitely check that out.

And with that,

here's some of the people's favorite Monday morning podcasts.

Moments.

MMP moments.

That's what Andrew wrote.

Oh, we should have like the little big-eyed smiling kids here.

Douchebag of the week, Brad.

Remember that?

Don't care enough to find the link, but when Nia gave white people credit for creating the jug instrument,

it was incredible.

Ah, that was funny.

Oh, then the classic.

Remember, Granny Fucking Water?

That poor bastard's probably still getting weird looks.

For those of you who don't know what Granny Water was, this guy was playing some fucking game.

It kind of seemed like it was old made.

But you didn't want it, like, if you played the Granny Water card, you fucked everybody else in the game.

So it came his time to play it.

And he's with his girlfriend, and they're playing with the parents.

And out of nowhere, for whatever reason, he decides to give them the Monday morning podcast and throw in the F-word.

And when he played the car, he just went, Granny fucking water.

And there was just dead silence.

And then

he tried to have to sit there and explain it to everybody.

It's Granny Fucking Water listener story from last year, I think.

Another one, Granny Fucking Water.

The infamous Rose Bowl story had me in stitches at work.

That was the time when

we got to put together our greatest hits.

We really got to do that.

That was the first Rose Bowl that we went to

when we stumbled in there and I

fucking lost my balance and there was an old woman in front of me and I had to like, my forearm was in her back

and she was kind of leaning forward and I was just sitting here going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And no one helped me up because they were so horrified by the condition I was in.

And the only way for me to get up was I had to push off of her, folded her in half.

Oh, God.

I always get this weird feeling in my stomach whenever I

hate that I did that, but I did.

I apologize whoever's grandmother that was, but I mean, whatever.

She's a little more flexible, you know.

She enjoyed the last third of her life, maybe.

Another person, Rose Bull story with Joe Bartnick, the old lady who kept getting angry and calling her husband to threaten you.

Mark, no, she wasn't an old lady, she was younger.

And that was the time she made fun of, she made fun of Joe Bartnick's nose.

Saying he had a big nose, and he just looked at her and said, You need to lose about 30 pounds before you talk to me, bitch.

And I was just like, oh, God.

All right, we're getting kicked out.

And then she said, She's like, Mark, did you hear what he said, right?

So the guy turns around to square up with Bartnick.

Bartnick just looks at him, and he's as big as a fucking Pittsburgh linebacker.

So the guy takes one look at Bartnick and then starts fucking yelling at me and starts threatening to throw me down on the field.

Yeah, you fucking pussy.

You go right past Bartnick and you go to old fucking bald carrotop.

All right, I'm a new listener.

Here's his favorite moment: you asking Nia how she's so loud wearing slippers, and she's saying that's why she's angry with you.

That's love.

There you go.

All right, another one.

You answered a question about a parrot like three years ago that had me crying, laughing at my job.

I got in trouble.

I'll try to find it.

I love how vague these are.

This is just as vague.

Oh, this person liked the for me, I just feel

the Kardashian.

The Kardashians could literally watch a baby starve to death, and then they would be crying, you know, fanning their fucking eyeliner so it doesn't, you know, smear, going like, for me, I just felt so sad because for me.

It has to be that or the Kobe 11s.

Oh, God.

Kelly O'Linnick and those fucking Kobe 11s.

It was the worst thing I ever saw.

When you said Corey Feldman was the Lee Harvey Oswald of the robot,

oh,

I had to pull over.

I was laughing so hard.

That doesn't even make sense to me anymore.

Anyways,

let's see.

Don't blow it.

Keep it simple.

Count your money.

I don't even know what that is.

When you did the ad for DraftKings, one guy won $1,000.

One guy's given hand jobs for rent money or something like that.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

I called that thing out for fucking being legalized gambling.

What else?

TCU, come on, frogs.

Dude, I called it.

Barefoot bitches.

There's too many to remember.

I'm still working my way through the older ones.

This is really making me feel good that you guys remember all this shit.

All right, here's another one.

One of the best moments was when you told the story of going to the basketball game and they kept playing that.

Everybody, clap your hands.

That's right.

And there was all that crazy shit going on.

Oh, everybody loves this.

Read old zip.

Nature's box.

Yeah, I fucked that one up.

up.

I called it, it was Nature Box,

was the name of it.

I thought it was like possessive, nature's box.

And I was like, you're going down on Mother Nature?

Needless to say, that was a one and done read and a full refund.

Some point we should put, I want to put together all the fucking one and done reads that I've had.

Under the clip, didn't make a dime off those cunts.

All right.

Oh, the Monday Morning Podcast.

Nia,

Nia, did you hear about Paula Abdul?

She was like, what?

I was like, she's a former backup dancer for the Lakers and now a big pop star.

She thought she died.

I did it better the first time.

Anyways, when you told Nia about not checking out,

funniest thing ever.

Oh, yeah, when I don't check out at hotels,

I just walk out.

I'm done.

Done with you fucking people.

When you compared Harry Truman to the guy from Shawshank, am I being obtuse?

Or your last DraftKings read?

All right.

The Charlie Murphy one.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That was

a sad one, but

happy memories.

The Yoko Ono rant.

Strawberry pubes.

That's from the Joe Rogan On It read.

Anytime you talk about cool cars, anytime you lean away from the mic and yell, ladies!

We're all human.

Some of us are good.

Most of us are cunts.

Oh, the big tears, big tears.

When Nia cried in,

where were we, Italy?

I didn't know how to comfort her.

I just kept going, I was hugging her, and she was crying.

She had like the biggest tears coming out of her eyes, like just falling on my hands like raindrops.

I was like hugging her from behind.

You know, she hit her head.

That's why she bent down and picked something up, and there was a shelf.

And she hit her head so fucking hard,

even my eyes just watered, like, holy shit.

And I didn't know how to comfort her.

So she was crying.

I just started reporting about what was going on.

I was just going, oh, I was just going, big tears, big tears.

All right, as a stoner, I find your anti-weed rants hilarious.

I get so mad that I start hyperventilating.

The lovely Nia, everybody, it's N, not M.

It's not Mia, it's Nia, like Nancy.

Nia's story about hitting her head in her big tears, big tears.

All right, we said that one, okay.

You said Ric Flair wouldn't have come up that fast.

I don't even know what that is, Kobe 11s.

Why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?

Oh, that fucking freak from the plane.

Let me see.

Friends trying to get the rat out of your new house story.

Here's an all-time favorite.

Anytime there's a zip.

Oh, yeah, when we were renting that house when I got the fucking kitchen redone.

Another fucking zillion dollars I put into this house.

I'm never going to get back.

The one time you were talking about those two guys eating shit while riding their skateboard and motorcycle.

The skateboarder crashing is the funniest story you've ever told.

That needs to be an anime.

Oh my god, we should animate that.

You're so right.

That time I saw that fucking guy in Griffith Park

coming down, and he wasn't dressed like a skateboarder, and it was like 7:30 in the morning.

You know, when I was walking my old dog, Cleo.

Oh, I missed that dog.

I'm going to see her again next month.

I just view it like she's in college.

I still always got a visitor.

I'm going to love that dog.

And I'm fucking going to be there someday when she takes her final breaths, I'm going to fucking be there.

Anyways, yeah, so I was walking my dog, and this fucking guy came by, like the biggest hill in Griffith Park, and he was just dressed in street clothes, and it started wobbling.

Oh my God, a new fucking reference here, like in

Moto GP, the tank slap, when it starts fucking oscillating, you know, and all of a sudden they can't get it to stop.

He started doing that shit.

And just like, I don't know, I'll try and find the clip because I was more vivid when I just saw it.

It was one of the fucking most insane wipeouts.

It easily could have taken over the agony of defeat

in wide world of sports.

Anyways,

what else?

How many six-year-olds could you kill before they took you down?

You know, I was actually thinking about animating that recently, but after all the fucking psycho-horrible shit that's happened in the world since I did that, that used to be funny.

You know, and that's the world we're living in.

It's not funny anymore to me.

All right, Doug Fluty, heckling story about a friend who takes things too far, made me cry laughing at the gym.

No idea which episode that was.

Oh, yeah, that was a buddy of mine who didn't know how to talk shit.

I'll tell you that one quickly.

Doug Fluty came back playing for the Bills, and we're sitting in the end zone seats, and

everybody's like heckling Doug Fluty going, hey, kill the midget.

Hey, Doug, you're too small, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And my buddy wanted to get in and all the shit talking, you know, go back to the CFL.

And everybody's just trashing them.

And

my buddy doesn't know where the line is.

And he also stutters.

And out of nowhere, he just goes, hey, hey, hey, hey, Flooty.

I hope your kid dies.

And everybody in the end zone who was hammered immediately sobered up, just went like, ugh.

And everybody just sat, just like, dude, what the fuck?

Fucking brutal.

All right.

Which also used to kind of be amusing to me until now I have a kid.

Now I'm just kind of like, yeah, that really wasn't that funny either.

All right, Jason Martz.

I don't know what that one is.

DraftKin's final read.

And lastly but not leastly, don't

know where to find the link, but the one that introduced the great at Paul Versey, where you guys debated time travel.

Oh, that was a good one.

That was a good one, man.

All right, let me read.

I got time here to read a couple of

questions here for the week.

All right, military virgin.

Dear Bill of the Boo R B U O R E, I don't even know what that means.

I listen to your podcast all the time.

I also, from time to time, appreciate your stand-up comedy.

Oh, that was a nice backhanded compliment.

I listen to your podcast all the time and also, from time to time, appreciate your stand-up comedy.

You know, it's all right.

From time to time, he makes me smile.

I am from New Hampshire, and your video tour of Hampton Beach was right on the money.

I am writing to you about my best bud in the military.

We are both in the service.

As we became friends,

he confessed that he's a virgin at the age of 32.

Over the past two years, since I've known the guy, he prefers to play video games and eat

dunkaroos than going out in public.

Dunkaros, what the fuck are those?

He's an exceptionally funny kid and has no problem making a good impression on strangers or even a lady.

He just cannot reach women in a sexual way.

Right now, he's stationed in Europe, in good shape, has a badass job, speaks French, and is generally a charismatic guy.

He has every reason to be drowning in ladies and can even use the foreign card.

But as I check in with him, he still hasn't gotten out from behind the 60-inch plasma TV.

I don't know what his problem is because he would always be bitching about wanting a girlfriend.

I think he may be whacking it too much, the new epidemic.

And another tidbit is that he will turn to heavy drinking, which actually helps to open him up.

I can tell he's not satisfied being single and using alcohol, but will not take the initiative to break the cycle.

I'm pissed because he's not using the golden opportunity to slay over there, and he's just disrespecting, and it's just disrespectful to the rest of us.

That's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, man, he seems like I would say that he should probably go to therapy and work out whatever his hang-up is because

that could be a lot of shit that he's sitting on.

And

yeah, that's sad.

I feel bad for that guy.

You know what I mean?

It'd be one thing, like, some people are just naturally loners and asexual or whatever, and they don't want to be out there.

But whatever his deal is, you know, it'd be a sad thing if somebody wanted to find love and they couldn't find love.

That guy should be crushing it.

If he can speak French and he can speak English, like that, that France, that's your whole fucking world over there.

Even if you went to England and they don't give a fuck that you can speak English, because so do they, but if you go so bust out some French, bam,

you're crushing that.

Yes, and he's a man in uniform.

Dude, this guy, he's like fucking like three different porno fantasies for women.

He's got it.

What is he going to do next?

Start cleaning pools, delivering pizzas?

Yeah, there's no reason for it.

I would tell your buddy that he should go talk to somebody

about it.

But it's kind of difficult if he's drowning himself in booze and it's a delicate thing.

And it's very difficult to get somebody to go get help.

I mean, they have to want to do it themselves.

So,

but you're a good friend, man, because you actually give a shit.

All right, conspiracy theory.

Sorry, I'm rushing through this.

I'm coming up on an hour, and these fucking gaslighted people are going to be showing up soon.

Conspiracy theory.

Bill, what do you think of the flat earthers?

It's a growing movement of people who think we're being lied to about the shape of the earth.

Do you think this is something you would have bought into in your earlier, more intense conspiracy days?

No, I wouldn't, you fucking cunt.

All of you guys, this is what I hate about conspiracy theory.

Conspiracy theory is

everybody gets lumped into the people who think the moon is made out of cheese and that there's shapeshifters and lizard people.

Okay?

All I was saying is that the fucking Federal Reserve is a privately owned corporation, which is a fucking fact.

Okay?

I'll say things like I don't think that the government or the corporations give a shit about the people in Iraq because I saw the way they treated the people in New Orleans.

They don't give a fuck about them.

They don't give a shit about those people over there.

Okay?

So I don't buy that.

That's the level that I go to.

All right?

I don't take it to this.

This is what I would say to those fucking flat earth people.

Okay, okay, let's just say the earth is flat.

Then wouldn't all the ocean waters just run off the end of it?

Why isn't that happening?

How do you explain that?

I would love to talk to a flat earth person, you know, and be like, well, why don't you guys do a startup and get yourself a little fucking rocket, go up in the fucking air.

It's like, have you ever fucking flown in a jet, you jackass?

You can look out the window and you can see the roundness of the earth.

I don't know, but you know what?

I want to fucking watch videos of it.

I want to hear what they think.

Flat earthers are actually more ridiculous than people trying to who believe in like

creationism or whatever, believe believe in Adam and Eve.

You know, Adam and Eve, two white people that somehow created Asians and black people and all that type of shit.

I don't fucking get all that.

Well, actually, you know something?

Yeah, I don't.

You know what I think?

I actually believe with that type of shit.

I actually think that I watched one of those Neil deGrasse Tyson things, and he said, you know, we actually came out of trees.

And I was just like, you know what?

As fucked up as that is, at least I can look at a tree and be like, there it is.

That is a tree.

I can walk over.

I can touch it.

I can climb on it.

It actually made more sense to me than

Adam and Eve.

I mean, it's just, I don't know.

I mean, if you put like Adam, if Adam and Eve was a movie and then The Tooth Fairy was a movie, I mean, I'd put them in the exact same category, and I don't think that that's right.

All right, conspiracy theory.

Oh, I already read that one.

India taking cash out of circulation.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Bill, just read an article about India, and it freaked me out a little bit.

Last November, India removed 86% of the country's cash from circulation.

Most people are now using mobile payment options, and the

artisan

also goes on to say the article.

Sorry, I got the laptop on the floor.

I thought that was ATRCI.

The article also goes on to say that ATM machines and bank cards would be obsolete as early as 2020 in India.

Not having physical money and only using a phone for buying stuff really makes me uncomfortable.

Any thoughts?

Yeah, they're on their way to microchipping all of us.

And once again, everybody's going to think that's fucking crazy.

And you can go on the internet, you can look at shitheads who work for corporations that are like proud of their fucking microchip and their level of security clearance that they have.

No, they're going to phase out fucking everything.

There's going to be cameras everywhere.

You're going to be fucking microchipped.

And this is the thing, it's still not going to be enough control

for them.

They still won't feel comfortable that they have.

That's how bad they're fucking you over, that they need to have that level of fucking surveillance on you.

That's how fucking fucking weird they are, and they want to see what you talk about, what you jerk off to, and all this shit.

It's fucking beyond creepy.

And I hate when something like that gets brought up on like the fucking news, and all in the best the news anchor can do is kind of widen their eyes, like, okay, that's kind of uh,

that's gonna be interesting.

And then they immediately go to talk to us about some fucking old lady that, you know, just

you know, made her own jam or some shit.

That's the feel-good story to get out of it.

No, it's unbelievably fucking creepy.

And

I don't know.

I have no idea how to stop it.

I have no idea how to fucking stop it because no matter what you do, people just sit there.

Like, I watched this thing on the news and they showed a robot talking to a little five-year-old kid.

And the robot was going, like,

if you put me in the closet, that would make me sad.

And, like, the robot is preying on the fucking emotions of a five-year-old kid.

Like, that thing should be illegal.

Like, do you realize how fucked up that is?

I mean, guess they've always done that with products, preying on the emotions of kids, but to just see it in that level of raw form

and just sit there and having this robot lying to a five-year-old like it has fucking feelings.

I don't know.

Is it me or does everything seem like it's just really sped up and we are just heading right over the fucking waterfall?

That's what I think is going to happen.

I don't know.

That's what I believe, anyways.

I actually, this is my theory.

I believe that there's the upper 1% and that they're going to get us all microchipped.

And when they get sick of that shit,

they're going to sick the robots on us, they're going to take us all out, and then eventually the robots will take over the upper 1%.

And not in the way you think.

They're not going to kill them.

They're just going to be all looking like supermodels, and human beings won't bang each other anymore because

it's going to be way more difficult.

You know what I mean?

Be way more fucking difficult than banging a real fucking human being, and then we'll just become extinct.

All right, overrated versus underrated.

Overrated, giving a shit.

Bill, I just turned 35 six months ago, and I realized how great life can be when you start to only care about shit that pertains to you.

Oh, that's gonna be like give a shit, caring about your fellow man.

This is completely for me.

This is the other way.

I don't care about anything anymore, and my friends and family say they really enjoy my company more these days.

I wasn't yoga or Tony Robbins.

It wasn't yoga or Tony Robbins.

No disrespect to either of them.

It was apathy.

All right.

Maybe that's what that fucking 32-year-old virgin needs.

Underrated, waking up early.

I've been waking up early for the last two years, and my life has changed drastically.

Everything I talk about doing, I actually do now, and I'm in better shape than ever because of that.

Hey, you know what?

I'll throw another one.

I'll throw a good fucking underrated out there.

Sausage.

I got this great fucking butcher, you know, a couple towns over, and I make the drive.

I make the drive.

That's how good this fucking butcher is.

And when I go in there, all I ever looked at was the steaks.

I looked at the chops, you know, the fucking pork chops, the chicken.

And occasionally I would fuck with the fish, but I blew right by the sausage.

I was just, I don't know, I just never was into it.

You know, it's weird.

I'll have sausage on pizza.

I'll have it in an omelette, but I never gave a fuck about it.

So I was on the phone with the lovely Nia, and, you know, we've been going there a lot, and we were kind of running out of options.

We'd done all the steak shit.

We'd done the fucking pork chops.

I don't fuck with veal, though.

There's no need.

There's no need to do that to an animal.

You know what I mean?

Just let the thing run around and give it the old fucking right there, Fred.

Anyway, so I was just like, I don't know, what do you want to get?

And I was just, and I was just sort of, as I was talking to her, I looked over at the sausages, right?

And there was one that looked like this fucking giant-like

black porno dick, right?

So I look at it, I go, what the fuck is that?

And it said it was short-rib sausage with cheese.

So I said, I go, Nia, it's got these fucking

porno black dick-looking sausages here that say they're short ribbed with cheese.

She goes, get those, right?

I don't know if that sounded delicious or just she's sick of being with me.

But, anyways, I got two of them, right?

And

this is really just become some big sexual thing.

No, my wife did not have a threesome with them.

We actually had them for dinner.

I'm sorry.

So, anyways, we came home, cooked those fucking things up in the skillet, made some pasta and a little bit of fucking sauce for it, and it was fucking delicious and now

I'm all about it.

Now I'm just thinking once again, I want to on the big green egg, I want to learn how to fucking make

pizza, right?

Maybe just cheat, get the fucking pizza dough.

I can make a good enough sauce.

I can get some fresh cheese and I'll go down the street, get the fucking pono dick fucking sausage, right?

Pull a Lorena bobbit, chop it up, put it on the fucking, I'm sorry.

You know what?

Underrated.

You know what's difficult?

Underrated.

Trying to talk about sausage sausage and not going into the porn world.

I mean, what do you want it to do?

You fucking laying here.

Looking at it.

It's a giant fucking meat ham.

All right, that's the podcast.

The 10-year anniversary.

I want to thank all you guys for listening.

This podcast and podcasting in general has changed comedians' lives.

It's such a great way to connect with you guys, promote our shows.

I'll be at Hilarities Tuesday and Wednesday.

I've had such a great time doing this.

It's actually helped my stand-up.

And I'm going to continue doing it as long as you guys fucking listen.

All right, that's it.

Here's to another 10 years, some porno sausage, and zip.

All right, I'll check in on you.

Don't take any shit, go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

All right, see you.

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