Cosmetic Dentistry, Blood Money, Blackouts | Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 2 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 1 Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 5th, 2025. What's going on? Hawaii?

Speaker 1 How's it going? Nice to see you. Well, I can't see you, but you know, I'm thinking about you.

Speaker 1 And isn't that all we want? Isn't that what everybody's talking about? You just want to be seen.

Speaker 1 I just want to be seen. I don't feel seen.

Speaker 1 I don't feel heard. New York, got to put the chain on the door.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 May 5th, happy Cinco de Mayo

Speaker 1 to Mexican people.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 let's say a holiday, right? Liberation or something. They never taught us.
I never heard of Cinco de Mayo. until I moved to LA.

Speaker 1 It was completely left off the books.

Speaker 1 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Marina, the Maria, the fucking

Speaker 1 pilgrims. They came over, and evidently they had hats with buckles on them.

Speaker 1 Which I don't know if that was ever proven.

Speaker 1 Like, how do they know what the fuck they wore back then?

Speaker 1 Is that just all made up?

Speaker 1 You know, when somebody passed the hat down,

Speaker 1 I mean, there was no

Speaker 1 cameras.

Speaker 1 These fucking archaeologists, they just, they, they just making up shit.

Speaker 1 They're taking shit out of their closet and they're fucking with it. And then they, hey, you know, I was digging around in the dirt.
Oh, yeah, you just digging around. That's what you do.

Speaker 1 You just start digging in the ground, and all of a sudden, you find a fucking hat, and then you can figure out when it's from.

Speaker 1 It's kind of weird, huh? How do they do that? I get it when, like, you know, some fucking psycho corporation is digging into a fucking mountain and they find some dinosaur bones.

Speaker 1 And then they go, keep it quiet

Speaker 1 because we got to get the fucking stuff out of here.

Speaker 1 You know, so we can go sell it.

Speaker 1 And then somebody who likes Jurassic Park is like, hey man, like, we got to let them know we found a stegosaurus. And then they're like, God damn it, these fucking dinosaur hippies.

Speaker 1 And then they fucking dig. I get that.
But like, as far as like a paleontologist, you just don't dig around, do you? Like, someone else was digging around and then they went, whoa.

Speaker 1 That's literally, that's a direct quote. Whoa, like, what the fuck is this?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 If it's human, you call the cops. If it looks like a fucking dinosaur, you...

Speaker 1 What is 911 for a paleontologist? Do they have their own little hotline? Is it 811?

Speaker 1 In your panic, you have a fucking axe murderer coming through and you accidentally

Speaker 1 an axe murderer I think you wanted 911 bitch I need somebody to come

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 sorry I drank some NyQuil

Speaker 1 you know and not even because I'm sick I just like the way it tastes I miss doing a boozy shot at the end of night so I'm gonna become one of those CBS drunks you know that fucking

Speaker 1 chugs milk of magnesia or whatever they do. It's pretty ingenious that someone can go into a drugstore and figure out how to get shit-faced.

Speaker 1 I understand how you could go in there and get high on some pills or whatever they have going on with whatever those people are-pharmacists.

Speaker 1 Like, pharmacists live in that middle ground between dentist and hygienist.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 where exactly is the pharmacist

Speaker 1 in the medical world?

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Let me see if I can do this. I think the lowest level,

Speaker 1 an orderly,

Speaker 1 an orderly is just a guy that pushes people around in wheelchairs. And he wears the scrubs, but he has no medical background.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 He's the guy that follows the local sports teams. He was the guy back in the day that if you needed weed, he could get it.
If Coke, you might have to make a few phone calls. That was an orderly.

Speaker 1 Then you had the next up was a nurse.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And then,

Speaker 1 who the fuck was it after that?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I would go orderly, hygienist,

Speaker 1 pharmacist.

Speaker 1 No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't.
I would go orderly, pharmacist,

Speaker 1 hygienist,

Speaker 1 dentist,

Speaker 1 in the coaching tree of dentistry. Everything from an actual dentist

Speaker 1 to an orthodontist to those fucking creeps that just do cosmetics, dentistry. I just do cosmetic dentistry.
Those fucking guys are money-grubbing cunts.

Speaker 1 Money-grubbing cunts.

Speaker 1 That's all they, I mean, you can get that with the dentist, but I was in the dentistry world for a while and for five years. And I could tell you this.
I worked with dentists that were cool.

Speaker 1 I worked with dentists that were okay. And then, you know,

Speaker 1 there was a couple of money grubbers, you know, that would be like,

Speaker 1 you know, they just wanted people with private insurance. They were there to get their fucking money.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 And I used to think like, wow, man, that's really fucked up because you're working on somebody's mouth.

Speaker 1 And if you're drilling teeth that don't need to be drilled or you're overcharged, there's just something fucked up about that. You're taking away a part of this person's body, you fucking lunatic.

Speaker 1 And I thought those guys were bad. But then,

Speaker 1 then

Speaker 1 I met a cosmetic dentist.

Speaker 1 It sounds like I was on a dating app, and then I met one. No, I had one.
I thought it was just a dentist, and it wasn't. It was a cosmetic dentist.
And I didn't realize,

Speaker 1 I didn't realize it for like two fucking years. and I was just and I finally

Speaker 1 like the dude was not interested in cavities like all he wanted to do was like fucking um Invisalign

Speaker 1 you know I got a couple teeth you know I'm grinding them being a psycho like he wanted to do shit to that I was like no I'm fine he's like oh what do you like the rugged look It's like that was the last thing I was like dude shut the fuck up then I noticed in his waiting room he had a picture of him at like some steakhouse that was a picture and he had these giant fucking white teeth.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, this guy looks like a game show host. I'm out of here.
Now I have a dentist again.

Speaker 1 But typical me, I should have looked at the red flags, but it still took me two years to get out of there. But fortunately,

Speaker 1 I got out of there unscathed. I would always make up an excuse before he came.
I got to get out of here. I got to get out of here.

Speaker 1 Every time I went in there, they needed a full fucking thing of x-rays. It's like, you just got one.

Speaker 1 You just got one. You're not lighting up my head every time I fucking come in here, you know?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 you just became a member at some golf club.

Speaker 1 I'm not even saying anything that was going on, that was just the vibe. So now I just have a dentist,

Speaker 1 you know, she's cool as shit. What do you think about this? I think you'll be fine.
Like, that's what you want.

Speaker 1 All right, so then

Speaker 1 dentist, then it would go nurse,

Speaker 1 and then doctor,

Speaker 1 And then health insurance company. I don't know how it works.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 I saw last week's Moto GP. I don't know if they had a race again this week.
I think they're off this week. And I saw the one in Spain.
Congratulations to Alex Marquez.

Speaker 1 His first Moto GP victory of his career.

Speaker 1 He rode an amazing race.

Speaker 1 Mark Marquez

Speaker 1 wiped out, got back on his bike,

Speaker 1 and still was able to finish like 12th or something like that. But I think Alex is in the points lead by one point over his brother Mark, who is the first person ever to win five sprints in a row.

Speaker 1 And Fabio Quattorara had a great race, too.

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's shaping up to be a good season.
I was worried that Mark was just, he would be right if he didn't wipe out twice,

Speaker 1 you know, on his own accord.

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 he if he just finished those fucking races even in second or third he would have a sizable lead so it's actually it's looking pretty good at this point so anyway um

Speaker 1 what was i gonna say i did uh tonight i did my first real stand-up gig i was at the capital the legendary capital theater in um

Speaker 1 porchester

Speaker 1 uh New York just on this side of New York, not quite Connecticut. So for those of you unfamiliar with upstate New York, it's funny, they don't consider themselves upstate.

Speaker 1 That's why I like saying it. They're like, hey, fuck you, upstate.
I live in fucking Westchester.

Speaker 1 Upstate to them is Poughkeepsie, Albany,

Speaker 1 Ithaca.

Speaker 1 But I'm just wondering,

Speaker 1 if you leave New York City and you go through the Bronx, you keep going north, you keep going upstate, Terrytown, Sleepy Hollow, Westchester, eastchester porchester i mean you're on the other side of new rochelle you're fucking upstate i'm sorry but they don't like that

Speaker 1 at least in westchester because in westchester they got money you know and when you say this dude is upstate

Speaker 1 you know that that

Speaker 1 that infers

Speaker 1 a certain financial uh

Speaker 1 bracket and they don't want their homes to be lumped into upstate.

Speaker 1 There's fucking people I know that have to drive an hour, over an hour to get into the city and then they're trying to tell me they don't live upstate.

Speaker 1 You get in a car and you drive 70 miles an hour for an hour before you get to the city.

Speaker 1 That's fucking upstate.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 so I went up there with my

Speaker 1 My list of jokes.

Speaker 1 This comic Drew Dunn that I've gotten to know through Instagram, and then being here in New York and seeing him down the cellar, he's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 1 He did us, he did 20 minutes in front of me. Fucking murdered.

Speaker 1 Fucking murdered.

Speaker 1 And then I went out there and I did my bullshit. I was able to go for like an hour and 15 minutes, which is great.
I still didn't do three

Speaker 1 big bits, so I'm psyched. I feel like when Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross ends on June 28th, I will be able to seamlessly

Speaker 1 go do my overseas gigs.

Speaker 1 Anyway, you want to hear something funny? Somebody was saying, because I was doing

Speaker 1 Abu Dhabi.

Speaker 1 Someone was giving me shit saying it was blood money.

Speaker 1 And this is like how fucking racist people are. They go, that's blood money.
And on that tour, I'm going to England.

Speaker 1 They never brought up England. England isn't blood money.
Oh, yeah. Is that

Speaker 1 England? Great Britain, that's just salt of the earth people. Like, no blood money.
No, no blood money. No, that's white money.
That's clean as, fucking as white as Jesus.

Speaker 1 Who wasn't white, right? He was from the fucking Middle East.

Speaker 1 I really, like,

Speaker 1 I just cannot, I can't fucking do this with people anymore. It's, it's like,

Speaker 1 it's sports. Literally fucking sports.
Listening to New York Yankee fans defending that stupid fucking bat, the same fucking people that were backing Deflategate, it's just like, gee,

Speaker 1 I can't fucking have this conversation with you.

Speaker 1 I can't have, well, you can fucking have to.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, you know, that investigation was conducted by the owner.
of the losing team, right? And he found an equal number of underinflated balls.

Speaker 1 Fucking...

Speaker 1 that's bullshit and it's just like okay i get it i get it all right so england is fucking wonderful clean money no guilt on that you know

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 anyway somebody's always got to say fucking something about something and then nobody's like talking about the real shit i swear to god if i go if i see another if baseball again this year does that fucking stand-up to cancer can somebody please hold up a sign that says thank you Monsanto?

Speaker 1 Instead of the name of the person? I mean, what the fuck are we doing? I'm seeing this shit on Instagram. They're saying you put a fucking ice cream sandwich in the microwave, it doesn't melt.

Speaker 1 All right, whatever.

Speaker 1 Any gig I do in the United States is blood, but it's all blood money. It's all blood money.

Speaker 1 And we didn't do it. They did it.

Speaker 1 But they're fucking

Speaker 1 pointing at Mexicans coming over a wall. And they're doing all this other shit.
It's the old misdirection.

Speaker 1 Get them looking at this hand. Why this hand's doing that over there? It's fucking, I don't know.
Whatever.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so I went up there and I did, I did my act, and it's just, I'm telling you, man, it just fucking poured out of me. So that's the second time I've done an hour.

Speaker 1 So like, I think doing this podcast helps me to stay relaxed so I don't get freaked out when I don't feel like I have anything to say. And I just go, you know, some will come, and then it does.

Speaker 1 And then I fucking riff on that.

Speaker 1 And it's fine. But, like,

Speaker 1 please believe me, the hour needs a lot of work. That's what I was saying

Speaker 1 in a couple of these things. I was like building up scenarios.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, I got to tell you a couple things. I saw at the coffee shop, right?

Speaker 1 I'm sitting outside,

Speaker 1 and there's this guy in scrubs.

Speaker 1 And looks like Charles Manson, right? Full, just beautiful, full head of hair, gray, a little bit of black in it. He's got the beard and shit.
But he's wearing scrubs.

Speaker 1 So he's dressed like a doctor, but he's got a head like Charles Manson, and he's not wearing any shoes and yellow socks, like mustard yellow.

Speaker 1 And I'm sitting there going like

Speaker 1 there's not a hospital around here.

Speaker 1 I don't,

Speaker 1 if he was a doctor, he would have fucking shoes on. Because I, you know, even with the

Speaker 1 Charles Manson head, I thought, well, all right, maybe he pleased his parents and went to medical school, but like on the weekends, he plays in a band. Like, I didn't know.

Speaker 1 But then he wasn't wearing shoes, so I was like, the fuck is with this guy? So, you know.

Speaker 1 You're living in a city. You start to know, like, what to pay attention to in your peripheral.
Like, okay, he's sitting down.

Speaker 1 He doesn't seem to be doing anything, but I'm just going to sort of clock that guy. Like, I don't know what the country version of that is.

Speaker 1 You know, in the suburbs,

Speaker 1 you know, it's that neighbor that keeps to himself.

Speaker 1 Or maybe, like, you ever see somebody that even when they smile, it's still unsettling. Like,

Speaker 1 that's the suburb version of this Charles Manson dude. And then, like,

Speaker 1 out in the sticks,

Speaker 1 I would imagine it's when you haven't seen some guy's wife for a while, and

Speaker 1 he just keeps saying she went to go visit her mother.

Speaker 1 And you know, he has pigs on his property. You just start to put two and two together.
So, anyway, we're sitting out. Okay, back to the city.
In the city.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 I'm just sort of clocking this guy, and then he gets up and he starts walking over

Speaker 1 towards me. I'm thinking, oh fuck, he saw me looking at him, and he didn't, he walked by, and then I saw he had like the patient

Speaker 1 like they were like made out of paper almost.

Speaker 1 And uh, I forget what he said to me, and then he went and he sat down on another stoop on the other side of me. And then he got up and he walked back to his other spot.

Speaker 1 He said, All right, this guy's got this guy's got some issues, right?

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 but he doesn't seem to be be like freaking out, right?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 inside the coffee shop, I've got to tell you this, I go in there and the second I walk in there, there's this couple,

Speaker 1 a man and a woman in their 20s, and I could tell the boyfriend is fucking pissed at his girlfriend, shaking his head, he's muttering, he's giving her looks. She's completely oblivious.

Speaker 1 I come walking in, she looks over and just smiles like how you're in a shop and you just, you know, like dumb smile, you do like, oh, we're waiting in line, you know, she does that, right?

Speaker 1 So I'm looking at this dude and I'm looking at her and she's fucking clueless.

Speaker 1 And this guy is muttering like he's putting on a muttering clinic and he's fucking side-ironing her like you cannot fucking believe.

Speaker 1 And she is just like this bubbly whatever, right?

Speaker 1 She gets her coffee, he gets his thing, she takes a picture of her coffee, and then she does a a quick little film around

Speaker 1 of

Speaker 1 the coffee shop because this is what young people have to do.

Speaker 1 They have to take a picture of everything they ate or drank and then show where they went because everybody just has to see how fucking quaint and awesome their life is, which might be why this guy is so fucking upset.

Speaker 1 But all I know is she smiled and walked out, and he was still muttering. She was like literally having a great day while the person she's dating is fucking livid at it.
It was fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I don't know. I just like texted,

Speaker 1 I can't, because I don't get this person in trouble. I texted a friend of mine what I had seen.

Speaker 1 And I go, and she was completely oblivious.

Speaker 1 And I go, and it wasn't because she's dumb. It's because she doesn't give a shit.

Speaker 1 So my buddy writes back, oh yeah. He goes, They don't, they're selfish, it's ridiculous.
He goes,

Speaker 1 He's gonna marry her, have kids with her, and live near her family. And I fucking died laughing because it was like

Speaker 1 this,

Speaker 1 how do you say that word,

Speaker 1 specificity of it? How specific it was.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 usually people stop with, you know, he's gonna marry and have kids, and he went, he's gonna marry, have kids, and live near her family.

Speaker 1 Um, Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 I was really like laughing because I was trying to think of a fucking scenario where a man,

Speaker 1 you know, your girlfriend's mad at you and you're completely not aware of it. That happens only if they

Speaker 1 are doing this thing where, like, I'm fucking mad at him, and I'm gonna see how fucking long it takes for him to fucking be like, if they're playing like a game,

Speaker 1 then you know, you're not going to know. Because they want you to not know, because they want to be even madder than you.
They're just, they're just, they're gear, they just need,

Speaker 1 they need one. They just need, they just need a fucking fight.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, and what they're really doing is they're just dragging you into their cycle.

Speaker 1 You know, it's just like, I'm hormonally fucking crazy three out of four weeks because that's how God made me. So I'm not going, I'm taking you down with their rats.

Speaker 1 You know, why can't you just take that? Take that

Speaker 1 for the team. Because no matter how bad your cycle is and how much you have to fucking deal with that shit, I die before you.

Speaker 1 Nothing trumps that.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine saying that on some fucking woman show? They would figure out a way where their cycle was worse than living a shorter life.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I said to my wife? Oh, I have said so much stupid shit

Speaker 1 to my wife.

Speaker 1 One time she was,

Speaker 1 I mean, I was being a dick on purpose. She was like, oh my God, you know, my period started today.
I'm fucking, you know,

Speaker 1 it's really bad, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just was like, Nia, you know, you get it every month.

Speaker 1 Like, when are you going to get used to it?

Speaker 1 I mean, my fucking back goes out like, you know, a couple times a year. It's talking to me every day.
But, you know, you don't have to hear about it.

Speaker 1 Well, that's what I said. It was the beginning of the football season.

Speaker 1 And I was like, Nia, you got your period. You're not playing in the NFL.

Speaker 1 And she just.

Speaker 1 She just looked at me and laughed and said, what the fuck did you just say to me? I was like, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 1 I love you. I'm just fucking around.
And then she just died laughing.

Speaker 1 There is an art form to that, by the way.

Speaker 1 Saying something so fucking stupid and ridiculously rude that they can't even get mad. They have to laugh because it's just so fucking out of bounds.
But I do have to say,

Speaker 1 if you fuck that up, oh.

Speaker 1 It's almost not worth doing it. But if it's really funny, you kind of have to do it.
I'm not saying I do it every time.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm not even, I probably have the same average as like an NBA three-point shooter, which I guess at this point is everybody. And what do they have? If you shoot like 35%,

Speaker 1 that's what's so funny about these stupid fucking three-pointers everybody's taking.

Speaker 1 If you shoot 35%, they're fucking ecstatic or something like that.

Speaker 1 It's like you realize a layup. There's nobody underneath.
There's literally nobody underneath. If you just go in and lay it up, A three-pointer is only one more point than that.

Speaker 1 And the odds of a layup going in are a lot higher than a three-pointer and the odds of going in and drawing a foul are way higher than when you're behind the arc i don't understand why the athletes let the nerds run the game now

Speaker 1 having said that i watched the end of that knicks game where they closed out the fucking pistons i don't understand how anybody has the stomach To sit through a fucking NBA game, the amount of back and forth.

Speaker 1 I remember seeing that. It was like eight minutes left.
I'm like, like, you know, the Knicks got it, which is why the Pistons are going to come back.

Speaker 1 They was like stuck at 103 or 105 points for like a half an hour,

Speaker 1 which was like three minutes of game time in the NBA.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 they ended up closing them out,

Speaker 1 which is great because I didn't want to have to listen to these fucking Knick fans whining again this year after all this shit.

Speaker 1 Every fucking year, the level of shit that they talk um hey musicians stop writing songs about new york all right these people's egos are way out of control just like that's one of the most fascinating things in sports overly confident nick fans shit talking nick fans they haven't won in 52 fucking years

Speaker 1 i was out after glenn gary the other night right signing the the bulletins whatever the fuck you call them the press releases why can't i ever programs

Speaker 1 Flyers. What the fuck? Programs don't sound right, but it does.

Speaker 1 Playbill.

Speaker 1 Signing the playbills.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 some Nick fan said something about the Celtics.

Speaker 1 And I literally just up and go, What did you just say?

Speaker 1 You talking shit about the Celtics? We're the defending NBA champions. We have 18 world championships.

Speaker 1 You got two.

Speaker 1 You haven't won in 52 years. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Did you enjoy the play? Talk about that.

Speaker 1 Fucking sit here. I don't want to fucking listen to any more confident fucking Nick fans.

Speaker 1 You know what's funny too?

Speaker 1 Is if, I don't know, I don't pay attention to it, but if they played the Celtics this year and they beat us in the playoffs, They will act like they've owned us for the entire

Speaker 1 and so will ESPN, because you know ESPN fucking blows New York City

Speaker 1 you know they just drop to their knees anytime anything happens in New York oh my god

Speaker 1 did it happen in New York oh my god did they win something with their 58 fucking teams in every sport

Speaker 1 it really is one of the worst sports towns there are just for the sheer amount of teams that they have you know versus the amount of championships they have thank god for the new york yankees everybody else gets graded on a fucking curve.

Speaker 1 Giants, too. Giants are respectable.

Speaker 1 Oh, and you know what? Did I tell you? I finally figured out why they don't count NFL titles. They don't count it because they didn't absorb the AFL.

Speaker 1 They merged with it. It was a merger.
So even though it was still the NFL,

Speaker 1 they started over.

Speaker 1 Which is really weird because

Speaker 1 it really is like the NFL absorbed the AFL,

Speaker 1 I feel. I don't know.

Speaker 1 The whole thing is strange to me.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 right now, if you have six Super Bowls, I've presented this a million times, like Pittsburgh and the Patriots, somehow you're the fucking Lakers and Celtics of the NFL when

Speaker 1 the Giants and the Green Bay Pack. Green Bay Packers have have the most NFL titles.
Giants have a,

Speaker 1 I want to say quite a few. I looked this up one time.
It's really weird. But they're all just, it's just all gone.

Speaker 1 Like the Green Bay Packers were title town.

Speaker 1 That was the nickname of Green Bay, Wisconsin. And then

Speaker 1 right at the end of their run.

Speaker 1 You know, Vince Lombardi leaves. Everything's fucking over.

Speaker 1 And I guess retroactively, they called those NFL AFL games the first and second Super Bowl. So they did get those two.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I don't know. Their 11 NFL titles were just like, yeah,

Speaker 1 starting a fresh slate here, fellas. Don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 1 All right. Anyway, so I told you I'm trying to not go on Instagram.

Speaker 1 After 6 p.m. I am so fucking addicted to that shit.

Speaker 1 I've already five times opened it and went no and had to shut it off. So shout out to all of those fucking nerds out there that figured out how to make it super addictive.

Speaker 1 I need to go back to reading.

Speaker 1 It's fucking nuts, man. This fucking world.

Speaker 1 Why can't shit just be legit? Why does it have to be like, you know,

Speaker 1 we'll create this thing

Speaker 1 and we must figure out how to make them addictive so they keep coming back and they keep clicking

Speaker 1 and they keep watching the more they click the more they watch the more we make

Speaker 1 we will fill ourselves up with gold coins and we'll roll around naked in them like what why can't you just have a fucking platform

Speaker 1 hey this is what I got here it is you like it cool if not I get it have a nice day.

Speaker 1 Like what is it with fucking nerds and sociopaths that that's not enough?

Speaker 1 We have to have everyone.

Speaker 1 We have to have all the money. We have to have 100% of the market share.

Speaker 1 And when we achieve that, we will all

Speaker 1 begin to eat ourselves from the inside as we search

Speaker 1 inside our own company for

Speaker 1 more gold coins more ways to fire people ten people in that department now. There's two

Speaker 1 And you two will do the work of ten

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Speaker 1 I was riding a coach, so my knees were almost touching the the seat in front of me this fat fuck gets on and he starts to sit down and he just like let himself go and it's that plastic tray slammed into my oh my god did i curse that guy out

Speaker 1 i said oh you mother

Speaker 1 fucking you fat fuck i

Speaker 1 that's another one i should have been punched him right in this fucking fat sweaty head but you can't do it right

Speaker 1 you can't do it you can't do it you You get kicked off the flight, then what? Then what? I have bruised knees, and I need to get a new flight, and I'm a flight risk. You just got to take it,

Speaker 1 you know? And then who gets a show? Who gets a show? Me and my bruised knees? No. That fat fuck with his 600-pound life.
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Speaker 1 How was that? How was that for a read? People like that?

Speaker 1 All right. Open phone, everyone.

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Speaker 1 I swear to God, that's the coffee. All right, listen up.

Speaker 1 Snap to it.

Speaker 1 Drop your cacks and grab your sacks. Remember all those military things and they always have those guys rhyming shit as they were yelling at people in boot camp?

Speaker 1 Your mothers are not here to protect you anymore. Where are you from, boy?

Speaker 1 Bullshit, only queers and tears from there. I don't see no fucking horns.

Speaker 1 Listen, Sarge, I get it. You have a lot of homosexual urges.
That's probably why you joined the military to be around all these men, but don't project it onto me. What the fuck did you take?

Speaker 1 You eat that jelly, don't it? Do some fucking shit.

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Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

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Speaker 1 Terms apply.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's get to the fucking reads here.

Speaker 1 Let's get to the fucking reads.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know what I did. I made it go up to the top.
And now I know why. Because that listener wrote and let me know what was up.

Speaker 1 Liam Neeson. Hey there, Liam Burr.
I was listening to a throwback episode when you looked up Liam Neeson's name. You were calling him Neam Leeson.

Speaker 1 That sounds like me. And when you saw his name was Liam, you commented, that's not his fucking name.
That's not his fucking first name. That's what I said.

Speaker 1 I'm curious if you realized that his name is actually William and he just shortened it to Liam. I did not know that.

Speaker 1 Could be a nice rebranding for you if you ever go through with that hair transplant.

Speaker 1 Anyways, thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself. I literally think at some point

Speaker 1 they will have like a pill that you can take and it will send your fucking hair follicles back to when you were a baby when it first started growing.

Speaker 1 But the thing is, it would only be temporary because they can't just give you the pill and then you would be good.

Speaker 1 You'd have to keep taking it. That's the thing.
They want you to keep taking it. Taking it and taking it right in the fucking wallet.

Speaker 1 I would not get a hair transplant.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I've gotten better parts

Speaker 1 since I've been bald. Since I've been bald!

Speaker 1 I've been getting better parts when I'm in outer space

Speaker 1 since I've been bald. Who sings that song? Since you've been gone! All the fucking chicks start

Speaker 1 screaming

Speaker 1 since you've been gone. They all start screaming too.
Like, not one of them drove the guy away. You guys are all victims.

Speaker 1 We do the same thing. We used to listen to all those fucking gangster rappers.
Remember, they were always talking about bitches.

Speaker 1 You know, pussy ain't nothing but meat on a bone.

Speaker 1 I remember even the younger me was like, you know, I think it's a little more than that.

Speaker 1 Seven-foot hearts. Okay, hey, Billy, pip squeak.

Speaker 1 I don't think I've ever seen that word written out. Pipsqueak.
P-I-P-S-Q-E-A-K. Evidently just one word.
Billy Pipsqueak.

Speaker 1 I feel like if I was a janitor and I really was good at mopping floors, they'd call me Billy Pipsqueak. You know?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 you could tell when he mopped that floor the way you would squeak under your sneakers. All right, longtime listener, first-time writer.

Speaker 1 Been a major fan of yours ever since your Chappelle show days.

Speaker 1 Parentheses. Then his wife threw her titties in my hand.
It was weird, Your Honor. Oh my God.
I remember saying that a long time ago. And following you ever since.

Speaker 1 I've been waiting to write in for ages, but never had a good reason until now. Last week, you talked about seven-foot people having hearts that are too small.
I didn't say they were too small.

Speaker 1 I said they were the same size as a regular person. And being 7-foot-one myself, I was finally compelled to write in.

Speaker 1 I've been abnormally tall and thin my whole life. And at a young age, I was tested for Marfan syndrome.
I don't know what that is. Is that giant? We just keep growing.

Speaker 1 And have an active pituitary gland, both coming up negative.

Speaker 1 My mom is 6'1 and my dad's 6'7.

Speaker 1 So doctors labeled me a healthy giant, meaning I am tall

Speaker 1 only because of the genetics, not some condition or abnormality.

Speaker 1 But to address what you brought up last week, taller people actually have proportionally sized hearts and organs compared to you, normies, lol.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, that's what I get for repeating something I heard.

Speaker 1 We also have denser bones to carry our larger frames.

Speaker 1 When you hear about basketball players who drop dead, great special by the way, on the court, it's actually because the heart is a muscle, and with a lot of strenuous exercise, it grows larger like any other muscle and then becomes too big for even the taller person.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. All right, so then that's something else to write.
Sorry for the long email, but I'm such a fan, and I hope this makes it on the podcast. Much love from Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 Come to Madison too, not just Milwaukee. All right, fair point.
Much love and respect. Go finagle yourself.

Speaker 1 All right, did not know that. All right, well, you're seven foot one, so I'm going to take your word for it.

Speaker 1 I think you probably did a more in-depth study of that, especially when somebody fucking just under 5'10 tells you you're gonna die soon with no medical background.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's what we do here on podcasts. We have no medical background and we give people medical advice.

Speaker 1 All right, Bacon's Rebellion.

Speaker 1 Hey there, Billy Burgundy ball bag.

Speaker 1 I like that.

Speaker 1 Burgundy is a

Speaker 1 it's sort of an aristocratic red, I would say.

Speaker 1 I know you're a bit of a history buff, so I was wondering if you ever heard about Bacon's rebellion in Virginia in 1676. I have not.

Speaker 1 I'm assuming Bacon is the last name of somebody. It's a confirmation of what you've been saying for years.

Speaker 1 In a nutshell, Nathaniel Bacon led an uprising against the British colonial leaders in Virginia.

Speaker 1 What's interesting, Bacon's movements included poor whites, indentured servants, African slaves, and some free black men.

Speaker 1 Look at this fucking hero.

Speaker 1 When the British eventually squashed the rebellion, the big lesson for the ruling class was that they could never let white and black people from the underclass to join forces.

Speaker 1 So they implemented a new law to keep them apart and see each other as the enemy so they could never unite and fight the power. Yeah, this is what this is what they're doing right now.

Speaker 1 The way they're demonizing, you know, Mexicans and Chinese people and fucking all of this shit. And so they can keep the focus off these fucking billionaires.

Speaker 1 Okay, immigrants didn't turn our food supply into poison.

Speaker 1 They don't dictate our foreign policy. They didn't make our factories move to their country.
The rich cunts that owned the factories went there and exploited them and paid them sweatshop labor wages.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 If they paid them a fair wage, they wouldn't be jumping over the fucking wall.

Speaker 1 Anyway, when I read about this, a People's History of the United States author is Zinn, I immediately thought of you. Yeah, I've read that book a long time ago.
Keep crushing it on Broadway.

Speaker 1 My best to Nia and your family, and go fuck yourself. So anyway, are you saying that that's in that book? I probably, if it is, I forgot.

Speaker 1 You know, I read it.

Speaker 1 I feel like a hundred years ago.

Speaker 1 I remember this comedy club owner telling me that that book was bullshit.

Speaker 1 And it's like, well, you know what?

Speaker 1 I expect you to have that fucking reaction considering you've been paying comedians the same amount of money for 25 years, but everything else has gone up, including your ticket prices. You can't.

Speaker 1 All right, blackout in Spain and Portugal. Hey, Billy Greenshirt, a big fan from Bulgaria here.

Speaker 1 At the beginning of the episode of the MMP from April 28th, you mentioned that you don't watch the news, so this might be interesting to you.

Speaker 1 i live in madrid spain and yesterday we spain and portugal experienced a total blackout around 30 minutes after noon spanish time all of a sudden we were out of power internet and mobile service and it lasted almost 11 hours pretty much nothing was working including atms and traffic lights we had no idea what was happening and the only way to hear the news was on the radio in your car or if you had one of those portable radios that run on batteries which most people don't have nowadays cell phones used to have radio receivers about 10 years ago,

Speaker 1 but most of today's phones don't. Today, everything is back to normal, but portable radios, external batteries, power banks, and portable solar panels all of a sudden cost 40% more than two days ago.

Speaker 1 I'm planning to wait a couple of months until the prices go back down, back to normal, before buying stuff like that. So next time I'll be more prepared.

Speaker 1 Do you feel prepared if something like that happened in your city? Thanks for the podcast. I wish you all the best and go fuck yourself.
Well, how do I know you don't work for the solar company?

Speaker 1 But I'm not prepared for anything.

Speaker 1 I'm prepared for a shit show in that I'm going to be running around with my fucking head on fire and someone will mercilessly, you know, take me out, I imagine.

Speaker 1 I don't care. I don't want to.

Speaker 1 I would like to live in society. And when society folds, I'm more than okay with like being like, all right,

Speaker 1 okay, well, you know, you guys have fun, you know, dressing in fur pelts and whatever the fuck it is you're going to do as you try to reboot this shit. I'm not doing it.
I'm good. Is my cable out?

Speaker 1 All right, I'm out too. I'm going to hang myself with the cable.

Speaker 1 Old Billy cyanide pill. Old drunk neighbor.

Speaker 1 Dear Billy Baldnuts.

Speaker 1 19 and 21 year old brothers writing in here to get advice about what to do

Speaker 1 with our next door neighbor. For context, he's a 69-year-old drunk who's been an issue since before we were born.
He never leaves his house and hasn't been off our street in probably 10 years.

Speaker 1 How do people like that fucking pay their rent?

Speaker 1 It's amazing to me. He often verbally attacks the women in the street.

Speaker 1 on our street, including our younger sister and mom, but would never say anything to the men. For example, our mom and sister

Speaker 1 were talking and laughing inside our house with the door open in the middle of the afternoon, and he screamed over the fence to shut the fuck up. He slashed people's tires and poured Coke on our car.

Speaker 1 He went and keyed our friend's car after a little snow got brushed onto his sidewalk.

Speaker 1 He goes, Here's the problem. Here's the problem.
That all sounded like a problem. Here's the problem.
His wife is a lovely, respectful lady who's very apologetic. Oh, the person that's enabling him.

Speaker 1 And we have no clue why she hasn't left him yet. He is often at his worst when she is gone on business for a few days at a time and he sits at home hammered.

Speaker 1 He is insanely meticulous about the placement of his garbage bins and everyone else's on the street and will often walk up and down rearranging them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this poor guy has gone through a lot of shit. Is he a veteran?

Speaker 1 Something going on with this guy. So, some of the things we have started doing to mess with his head are moving his bins around in the middle of the night.
Don't do that to this guy, dude.

Speaker 1 Putting a pylon in the middle of his walkway and putting a hairspray X on his tree so he thinks the city is coming to chop it down.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 We would love any advice you have about

Speaker 1 what to do about about him without harming his wife.

Speaker 1 Some ideas we have are cutting his cable line during baseball playoffs and writing him love letters. We recently found out when his birthday is, so maybe something around that.

Speaker 1 Ideally, we want to confront him face to face, but the chances of him leaving the house are very low. Thanks for any ideas you can come up with.

Speaker 1 Love the pod and put a little more effort into the Zip Recruiter ads. They are the best part.
I just figured you guys were sick of that joke. Fuck the Bruins, even though

Speaker 1 our leafs have probably already blown it by the time you're reading this.

Speaker 1 You shouldn't torture this guy. This guy's already tortured.

Speaker 1 He's got something going on.

Speaker 1 Something really bad happened to him a long fucking time ago, or he has a disease of alcoholism and

Speaker 1 he's drank so much that it's affected his fucking brain. I know that you have to like deal with it.
You can't call the cops.

Speaker 1 Is there any way to approach his wife to try to get the guy some sort of help? I don't want you to like,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 cut his cable wild during the playoffs. It's probably all the guy fucking has.

Speaker 1 He's already ruined his life. Isn't that enough?

Speaker 1 God bless that woman that's fucking staying with him, but like you guys shouldn't have to suffer. Like your your sister and and your mother should not be getting yelled at by this guy

Speaker 1 I would say though if you're ever around and they yells at

Speaker 1 your sister or your mother I would go over there and I would fucking nose to nose tell that guy under no circumstances he's ever doing that again or you're gonna beat you're gonna beat the fuck out of him

Speaker 1 I mean

Speaker 1 that I would deal with, but all this other shit, him rearranging the barrels and doing stuff like that, I wouldn't fuck with him on that.

Speaker 1 But him yelling at your sister and your mother, that's, I don't give a fuck what his problem is. That has to be dealt with.
So I would,

Speaker 1 I don't know what his deal is. Can you scare, can you intimidate the guy? Because

Speaker 1 I had a neighbor like this one time

Speaker 1 downstairs and used to yell at Nia when I was on the road. And, you know,

Speaker 1 he had some sort of cognitive issue. And Nia kept telling me to go down and talk to the guy.
I was like, I I don't want to talk to that guy. He's a thousand fucking years old.

Speaker 1 It's not going to go well.

Speaker 1 So he yelled at her, and she's like, You need to go down there and talk to the guy. I go, all right.

Speaker 1 So I go down there, and he was fucking like, he was afraid when I got there. And then I'm like, oh my God, he's going to have a fucking heart attack.

Speaker 1 So I made sure, you know, I was at least 25, 30 away. I said, listen, you're yelling.
Nia was my girlfriend at the time, yelling at my girlfriend. It's not cool.
And he was fucking screaming.

Speaker 1 Hey, Shave, Shave, stop, so

Speaker 1 all this shit.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, buddy, I'll tell her to not walk across the floor in her shoes. With the shoes, we have wood floors, but you can't be yelling at it or whatever.
And then he just started attacking me.

Speaker 1 He goes, you make noise too. And I was just learning how to play guitar.
And he goes, how's your band? And he started laughing at me.

Speaker 1 And this is what pisses me off: my wife was on the porch listening, and she laughed at that.

Speaker 1 Like, was on like his fucking. They're just fucking unreal.
And then,

Speaker 1 I don't know, he never yelled at her again after that. Cause I went and actually, because I don't know if you really confronted him,

Speaker 1 but like, um,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I just remember

Speaker 1 I went upstairs and she was laughing that he said that, going, oh my god, he, like, fucking trashed you. And I was like, yeah, I mean, he got me with the great one.

Speaker 1 And now I feel self-conscious about playing guitar. And I also feel bad

Speaker 1 because he was shaking and he was clearly afraid of me. And I don't like going around scaring old people.
I told you I didn't want to go down there. It wasn't going to go well.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, now you got me reliving this. I don't know what.

Speaker 1 I don't know how old this guy is.

Speaker 1 But he might scare Easy if you just have like a confrontation with him.

Speaker 1 It seems like... You guys haven't done that yet and you're just sort of fucking with them.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I wouldn't do anything like to mind fuck this guy to make him any more tortured than he already is. I would,

Speaker 1 like I said, if he's yelling at your sister or your mother, I, you know, even if you're not there, they tell you that later, you got to go over there and knock on the fucking door

Speaker 1 and just say, listen,

Speaker 1 you want to drink yourself to death, that's fine, but you are not yelling at my sister or my mother. You understand me?

Speaker 1 Okay, and a lot of those guys, you know, most people are fucking pussies when it comes to that shit. If they think there's a beat and coming, they're gonna

Speaker 1 steer clear of it. You might have to reset them a few times.
That's the most I would do.

Speaker 1 But you gotta understand, if you go over there, if that guy has a fucking heart attack, if anything fucking happens, you're gonna be.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know how it works in Canada, but you're gonna be liable. Like, it's not gonna be a good fucking thing.
Um,

Speaker 1 I don't know, can you call the cops?

Speaker 1 Can you have one of your mounted police come over there with the maple syrup riding it on a horse?

Speaker 1 Send a mountie over there.

Speaker 1 Oh, hey, yeah.

Speaker 1 Those two hosers over there. I know.
I know you guys don't talk like that.

Speaker 1 What was that movie?

Speaker 1 It was such a great fucking movie.

Speaker 1 Fuck, when I first got cable, I've totally spaced on the name of that movie. He was in the crease.

Speaker 1 He was in the crease.

Speaker 1 When I end this podcast, it's immediately going to pop in my head. What the fuck was the name of that movie? That was when I first got cable.
I saw that. I saw Kentucky Fried Movie.

Speaker 1 All these crazy fucking movies that they used to show

Speaker 1 on HBO, the movie channel, Cinemax.

Speaker 1 There was something else. I think before Showtime.
I don't remember. All right.
Anyways, that is the podcast.

Speaker 1 And I feel, I don't know, I hope I gave you decent advice. I don't want to escalate that situation or whatever.
Anyway, that is the podcast. Go fuck yourselves, and I will check in on you on Thursday.