Commercials, Cops & Protesters, Getting Pulled Over | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-27-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
What's going on? I'm obviously a little under the weather. I finally caught a cold going down to D.C.
to do that gig for my buddy and then coming back. my favorite expression

in the world. going down to D.C.
to do that gig for my buddy and then coming back.

My favorite expression in the world is,

no good deed goes unpunished.

So that's what happens, you know?

I'm going to go down there.

I'm going to do this fucking thing because it's the right thing to do,

and I owe this guy for all the things that he's done for me.

I'm going to go down there, goddammit, because that's the way I was raised. And what happens? Right? And you do the good thing.
Right? And what does Mother Nature say? Oh, look at you fucking running around like a little goody two-shoes. Well, I got something for you.
Here's a common cold. Give you the fucking right there, Fred.
I will tell you though, ever since I've discovered raw ginger and honey, it doesn't get down in my throat too, too much. I literally just woke up though.
That's why I sound like a fucking toad. Anywho, I'm over hump day this week.
You know, this Broadway schedule is fucking cool. I actually like it a lot.
Come in Monday, you do one. Tuesday, you do another one.
And then Wednesday, you knock out two. And it's like, holy shit, we've already done half the shows we need to do this week.
So Wednesday is still hump day. And now today and tomorrow, I got one show.
Look at me. Footloose and fancy free.
And then Saturday, you know, you finish strong. Fucking with two shows.
and then you got your day off. Then you start all over again.
It has been a ridiculous, ridiculous amount of fun. And I'm really enjoying watching all the other actors.
They keep adding stuff, bringing stuff up, bringing stuff down, making different choices and stuff, and just getting everything like super, super tight. So on Monday is our opening night, the official night there.
So I think we're going to be in good shape. Our directors, Patrick and Rory, have been killing it.
So I think we're all right. Oh man, I haven't said that.
I've just been, because I've been sick, I haven't done any stand-up. And I've just been, like, fucking laying around my corporate apartment and then going over to the theater, doing the show, and then coming right back.
And I got a little fucking boogie fever. I got cabin fever.
And yeah, I told you a buddy of mine got me this car model. So I've just been sitting here by myself with a fucking head cold, staring at the blank walls with no photos on them, painting this model.
I feel like a widower, you know, like I'm fucking like 90 years old.

You know, nobody tells you if you live this long, you don't have any more friends. That's what they don't tell you.
You know, they don't, you don't think about it. I saw this thing the other day.
Mike Yastrzemski was talking to a 102-year-old World War II veteran.

And he, I was just thinking, 102 fucking years old.

You have to be the only guy left in your high school graduating class.

You know, I had a relative that lived to be almost 105, my grandmother.

And she was on her third set of friends.

Let's go. I had a relative that lived to be almost 105, my grandmother.
And she was on her third set of friends. Like every time I would, I used to do the Funny Bone in Indiana.
And I used to stay at her house. And it was really cool.
I would just stay at her house instead of the comedy condo, and I would drive, like, whatever, into the city to go do the shows. And she used to play cards, like, three, four times a week.
We'll play bridge, like, some serious shit that really kept your mind sharp and stuff like that. I don't know what it was.
That, and she drank black coffee. You know, when somebody lives that long, people always try to figure out, like, what is it that they're fucking doing? Nobody knows.
So whatever. So she lived and, you know, I did that for years and, like, would visit her and there would be, you know, she would play with three other women and every once in a while, one of the women wouldn't be there and there'd be somebody new.
And and she'd be, oh yeah, she passed away, da-da-da-da-da, fucking, I'm not like making light of it, but it was just like, I don't know, I don't know, Jesus, Bill, you got a little head cold, now you're going to talk about the loneliness of living to be a, what do they call that, a centurion? What do they call it on the news?

You know, when the weather guy gets out there

and just goes, so-and-so turned 103 today.

And you just see him like,

I think it all depends on like how active you are or not.

You know what I mean?

I like that guy who lived forever that was in fucking San Francisco and he would jog like three miles a day. You know? Still out there.
God, how the fuck did his knees and hips handle that? What's the deal with people over a hundred? So I made this stupid little fucking concoction off the internet lemon ginger honey usually has cayenne pepper but my buddy goes no use the cinnamon one I don't know if you're supposed to put cinnamon in it I don't think you're supposed to but there was a recipe for it I think he misspoke because he was saying his girlfriend always makes that for him so whatever I've been drinking this fucking witch's brew and uh i'm going out today though it's fucking nice out i'm on the other side of it here uh anyway i have no idea what's going on in the fucking world my fucking the cables out on this fucking place or whatever the whatever you call it now the satellite the feed the fucking streaming the streaming's not streaming and like there's like a phone number here with my little packet on how to use everything in this corporate apartment and i just i was like i'm not fucking doing that so so that's it i started to watch panic and needle park which is a fucking al pacino movie from the early 70s but it was a really bad copy on youtube so and then i went over to go to amazon and uh they fucking uh they were playing commercials it's like do you want to go ad free it's like yeah i paid for that then we sneak the fucking thing in like i pay for no commercials on youtube so now what they do is if you click on a video really quickly because it's not on youtube it used to just take you to fucking youtube now what happens is you click on it and it goes like domino's pizza has a new fucking stepcrespi and then you click on it and the people that write that copy like have the the actor say the name of the product you know immediately viagra is your dick staring at the floor click and then you fucking go right onto the thing it's so fucking annoying it's so fucking annoying it's so fucking annoying the way this whole fucking thing has been set up.

This whole fucking annoying. It's so fucking annoying the way this whole fucking thing has been set up.
This whole fucking thing that you just got to try to get every fucking nickel and fucking dime you can out of somebody. God forbid there's a split fucking second that they click on something.
There's a chance to advertise and make some fucking money. And then these fucking people that are allegedly human beings

that just sit in fucking rooms

and figure out how to annoy the shit out of people doing stuff like that.

And they don't even give a fuck.

So many fucking people are built that way now.

Like they get off on just going around annoying people.

Hmm. I should talk with my fucking stand-up act, right? Anyway.
So yeah, I've been just like not watching the news. I saw this new shit like, you know, if you're fucking coming back into this country, they can confiscate your phone and go through it.
I have to tell you something. The way that they have us fucking divided and the shit that people on one side or the other are signing off on and having no fucking problem with, they're turning this fucking thing into a goddamn dictatorship.
Slowly but surely, ever since fucking 9-11. They can read you emails.
They can listen to your phone calls. They can go through your fucking phone.
It's all, well, hey, man, if you're not doing anything wrong, like that shit. Like I saw this thing, right? This clip, I think it was on YouTube, right? And it was these environmental protesters, and they want to bring awareness that we're destroying the planet, Which is true.
Which is a valid thing to do. So what do these fucking idiots do? They block the road and just make everybody mad.
Like, I don't understand. It's like, don't you want people to be in a good mood so they can hear whatever your message is? Instead, you make them late.
What if somebody's going to dialysis or God forbid some woman's in labor? What the fuck are you doing? Idiots, right? So they fucking there's like five of them. All these women, right? Little skinny vegan looking women, right? They block the road.
So the cop shows up with like this fucking Dodge Ram and he drives in and he just plows into this. It's like some sort of trailer or something they put across the road.
Like something you would carry a car on or something. He just plows into a Dukes of Hazzard style.
And they're like, what the fuck? And then he whips around and starts driving right at him. And he's on the thing going, you better get out of the way or something like that.
Then he gets out of the fucking truck, and he pulls out either a taser or a gun. He's going, get on the fucking ground.
Get on the fucking ground, right? Fucking idiot. Total overreaction.
He could have fucking, like, they're morons. They're absolute morons.
What they're doing is annoying, but his reaction to it is just as fucking stupid. Like, what are you doing? You're damaging the fucking truck for no goddamn reason.
You're plowing into the fucking thing. You're acting like you're in some fucking action movie.
And then you pull out your weapon and you're pointing it at these fucking five vegans that collectively maybe weigh 200 pounds. They're not fucking armed.
They weren't being violent. They didn't hurt anybody.
It was a total overstep of his fucking authority. But people that don't like fucking liberals and everything, like, that's good police work.
That's good police. It isn't good police work.
There's nothing about it was good fucking police work. And it's like, wait till that fucking gets turned around on you when it's a fucking issue that you give a shit about and you're exercising your right to fucking protest.
Here's the thing. I thought the fucking idiots who blocked the road were idiots and I thought the cops' reaction to it was a bunch of fucking idiots.
That's, I don't know. I'm self-centered.
I feel like that's the point that should have been made. I'm taking a sip of my broth.
Fucking the level of like anger that this cop had because these idiots blocked this fucking road he could have just came up and be like ladies what are we doing here I understand I want to clean up the environment too but there's people here somebody could be on dialysis we can't is dangerous. There could be a fire.
An ambulance is trying to get through. This is not the way to get your point across, okay? I don't want to have to arrest you.
Can we just clear this out of the way here? You can do that. Convoys not escalating the situation.
And this guy comes in like, boy, Luke Duke, he fucking comes inino, he fucking comes in. Having his fucking cop fantasy.
Acting like a fucking jerk-off. Complete fucking jerk-off.
But they have us so fucking divided that that behavior is all right. Because it aligns with your politics.
I'll tell you one of my favorite things is how each side thinks the other side is dumb and then each side thinks the other side's a bunch of babies specifically the right thinks that liberals are a bunch of fucking snowflakes whiny entitled assholes which i mean come on that's pretty, right? But like for conservative people to act like they're not the biggest fucking babies also is fucking hilarious. Have you seen this fucking, my people, Whitey, we're all fucking upset.
There's enough of us to get it going, trending anyway. We're upset about the new Cinderella movie the actress playing Cinderella isn't white there's no prince they changed the story what am I going to tell my kids the shit that my people get upset about what am I going to tell my kids? Well, fucking talk around it.
The way you do the, we talk around the real history of this country. I think you can do that for you.
Talk around fucking genocide and slavery. I think you can talk around a stupid fucking movie about some broad who didn't exist.
You can't do that? Go take him to go see fucking Pinocchio. I don't like Pinocchio because that fucking wooden puppet transitions into a real boy.
First of all, I don't like trans people and God only makes real boys. Not some immigrant named Geppetto.
What am I supposed to tell my kids? And then you got on the other side. You got on the other side, you got all the fucking liberals.
You know, hey, how you doing, sweetheart? Call me, sir! Right? Doing all of that shit and having a fucking absolute fucking meltdown. And that's basically what it is.
It's my people having meltdowns while ignoring truly oppressed people in this country. Listen, I know you don't get the opportunities I do, but I really have to just just can we just talk about the new Cinderella movie right now okay oh my god like I don't even know what to tell my children um anyway I woke up this morning bo-do-ba-do-do and I have to uh clean up you know I'm keeping this apartment clean because it's depressing enough to not be out here with my family and all that shit right um and the fucking heat that's just still just coming in like i'm having like fucking fever dreams here so i'm cleaning this place up and every once in a while i like to watch that susan boyle clip you know where she comes out she sings les mis on american idol and uh it's such a such such a fucking amazing moment when she comes out and she sings Les Mis on American Idol.
And it's such a fucking amazing moment because she comes out and like, she literally looks like a woman from like the fucking early 1800s. You know what I mean? Before any woman could get her hair done, get her eyeballs plucked and all of that stuff, right? She's come out.
She's just built like she can survive on the frontier.

So no one thinks this angelic voice is going to come out of her body.

And then all of these fucking, you know, that we're all like crying.

Oh, my God.

Who would think something beautiful, something as beautiful as that would come out of that?

And then I always love like how the host kind of put it on the crowd also rather than, they didn't say it themselves. Like none of them said like, wow, you came out looking like a battle axe.
I never thought something beautiful would come out of this package. Because I remember like Simon Cowell, she goes, how old is she? She goes, 47.
And he fucking rolls his eyes, which you're not supposed to do. They're supposed to act like ageism doesn't exist or that they're against it he just rolls his fucking eyes like lady you've been washed up for fucking two decades and then in the end that fucking pierce guy who i thought he was a journalist i don't know what the fuck he's doing on that show.
So he goes like, you know,

there wasn't anyone in this room that was on your side.

It's like, how do you know that?

You're superimposing what the fuck you thought

when she came out on this fucking stage.

So I always liked that whole thing, you know?

I always like watching that whole fucking thing

and getting choked up watching her fucking, by myself, getting teary-eyed watching her fucking crushing that song. And then you look at her, it's like, yeah, of course she didn't make it in this fucking business.
She's a humble, nice human being. She thinks of others.
She just seems like a really nice person that's not like super competitive and willing to fucking do anything that she has to do to make it in this business and then she comes around at 47 keeping it real looking like she should be walking out there with a rolling pin chasing some fucking street kids off her stoop, right? And she comes out

and fucking kills it.

I don't know why. Every once in a while I think of it and I watch

it. And it makes me teary-eyed

and it also makes me fucking laugh.

Alright, sorry. Just had a fucking sneezing

fit. I got the

itchies. I got the itchy throat here.

Anyway. And having said all of that, I thought she was going to stink too.
You know what I mean? Because you're like, there's no way a beautiful singing voice is coming out of that. You know? It's just what you thought.
And you know why you think things like that? Because that's how God made us. That's why, not because of society or anything like that.
Society developed by the way human beings think. And the way human beings think is the way God made us.
And he made us that way because he either didn't give a fuck or wanted to be endlessly entertained with the backbiting, the fucking psychopaths. Like a buddy of mine just did a gig in some fucking country, and they were saying, there's two people running for fucking office.

There was the fucking Iron Fist person, and then the person like, hey man, what if people could chill?

You know what I'm saying, man?

So the Iron Fist person just put the other one in jail.

They do that every fucking time.

And it's like, why doesn't the nice person ever put the fucking asshole in prison? It just never works that way. Like the fucking asshole is willing to do anything that they have to fucking do to get where they're at.
Like, why does God make people like that? Like these horrible fucking mean people.

I want to like, I got this new idea

for a joke that

I can't do it on

this thing. It has to do

with the robots that they're

making and why they

need them to feel human emotion.

It's pretty, I'm not going to lie to you, it's not the most uplifting thing i've ever done um so anyway um had good shows all this week for the first time this week i fucked up a line and i went totally blank which theater people say you're in the white room and i had no fucking idea where the fuck i was gonna go and i went back and forth a couple times with the other actor and then he knew where it was going and he just asked me a question about my next line and that made me pop and i was just like what a f it was michael mckeon and he just fucking laid it right in my lap and I was able to cruise the rest of the way and then I was like beating myself up because no man he goes it happens and it totally it fucking happens the da da da da da and I was like all right I guess gotta okay I just have to learn that that's gonna happen every once in a while I didn't freak out I just sat there like, well, I don't know what to do now. And we talked back and forth a couple of times and the crowd actually laughed at what we were saying and nobody noticed.
Obviously, the director and the other cast members noticed. They're like, dude, you skipped half a page.
And yeah, so I was kind of beating myself up and then I was like all right i gotta fucking kill the second act second act went great and uh i just like through uh doing stand-up and trying to get somewhere and stand up i learned this is for people like whatever the fuck you're trying to do in life you got to be forgiving forgiving of yourself. You just got to be like, I'm going to make mistakes.
I'm going to fuck up. Everybody does it.
And you just got to like laugh about it. And it's that you end up learning something from it.
and you also end up gaining poise.

Because if you can kind of be in a difficult situation, stay relaxed, and kind of just sit down like, you know, you're in on the joke too of you fucking up.

It makes it, I don't know, it's a lot easier to get through.

I mean, that's one way to go through life.

Or you can go through another way through life is you pull out a fucking taser or a gun and you point it at five fucking soccer mom vegans. It almost seems staged.
Because the liberals were saying such dumb shit, like, we're environmentalists. We're protesters.
It's like, would anybody actually fucking say that with a fucking weapon pointed at them? Maybe they do. I don't know.
Sometimes cliches are true. The whole thing just seemed like a cliche.
You know, like the right doesn't put up. You stick that in the road.
We'll fucking drive it over our truck. Stick a gun in your face.
Say, now what, bitch? I'm late for my biscuits and gravy. Right? And then the liberals are all like, oh, my God.
I'm trying to say it to butterflies. You mean men.
I'll fucking shoot you in the face, bitch. I don't shave my vagina because society told me I'm supposed to.
It's like, come on. They really make people like this? I've gone to all the states.
I've hung, drank with all of these fucking people. People are cool.
I have met some knuckleheads along the way, but most people are 80. I think a nice 80%.
80% are fucking cool. I do remember one time fucking driving like 90 miles an hour, like not 90,

probably like 70 miles an hour. I landed in Denver and I was driving 70 miles an hour in the wrong

direction for like an hour. And then I was like, oh fuck, I went the wrong way.
This is back when

you just had a Rand McNally map. It was in Colorado.
So I fucking start driving 80 the other way.

This guy was in a Ford Bronco. That was like his car.
And he had like blue lights on the dash. And he's coming the other way on a two lane road.
And I'm fucking flying. And he fucking drives at me.
Almost drove me off the road. Like for half a second he was like playing chicken with me.
And then I pull over pull over and the fucking it was so fucking terrifying this dude gets out young kid he didn't have the whole cop outfit all he had was the cop shirt tucked into his fucking wrangler jeans and he came up and he punched my fucking window this is all because i was speeding listen by the way i was in the middle of fucking nowhere it wasn't like it was a school zone i was out on the way, I was in the middle of fucking nowhere. It wasn't like it was a school zone.
I was out on the prairies. I was in the middle of fucking nowhere.
And this fucking guy, like, total fucking hothead. And I'm just sitting there going, like, this guy's going to fucking blow my brains out if I say one, like, hey, man, can you relax? So, I don't know what it is.
Maybe because it's so slow out there nothing ever happens you know and then you just sit out there you know behind a billboard waiting for somebody to speed by like in that what is that movie my kids always watch Lightning McQueen I don't know I got pulled over tell you the time that guy wanted me to pull over and I didn't? I'll tell you that story and then I got to go get some fucking coffee. I got to get out of here.
All right, so one time I was doing a gig. I can't remember what.
And I'm still not going to say what city I was in. But I was late.
And I come to the fucking airport. And I'm looking.
I need to put gas in the car. I'm going to return it with a full tank.
Are they going to charge me all this money? Looking back, I didn't have time to do that. I should have just dropped the rental car off and ate the money.
But instead, I come tearing into the airport, and there's the car rental drop-off, but you had to drive all the way through the airport to get to the other side to where the gas station was. So I was like, oh, what the fuck? So I'm driving like, you're supposed to be driving like 20 miles an hour.
I was driving like 50 in the left lane. This, now this was dangerous.
So I'm fucking driving through and all of a sudden I see this cop, you know, where everybody's getting out and putting their luggage down to the sidewalk to check it. He steps off the curb and he starts walking out like perpendicular.
Like he's going to almost like walk into the side of my car and he's pointing right at me. And I don't know what happened.
This voice in my head said, yeah, fuck this guy. I'm not stopping.
So it was weird because it wasn't me. It was just this idea I had and I just went with it.
I was like, all right, I guess that's what we're doing. We're not stopping.
So I immediately came up with a game plan. Don't look at the guy.
Don't look away. You know, Michael Corleone.
I just kept looking straight like I didn't see the guy. So we're getting closer and closer to like, you know, a midair collision here on the ground.
And he starts walking more briskly and he's fucking waving his arm at me, and I just fucking went right by him.

And I was so in character that when I looked in the rearview mirror, the only part of my head that moved was my eyes. I didn't even move.
I just glanced in the rearview mirror. And he was standing in the middle of the road.
And I him he like reached up to like his shoulder where his

little fucking cb was and he talked into it and then I was like oh no right and he looks so fucking

surprised that I didn't stop you know he's like wait but I have on the uniform I said still like

it never even entered his mind that the fact that he was on foot and I'm in a car going 50 miles an

hour that I had any sort of an advantage so he calls his buddies and now I'm going like

Thank you. that the fact that he was on foot and I'm in a car going 50 miles an hour without I had any sort of an advantage.
So he calls his buddies and now I'm going like, I am dying laughing at how fucking stupid he looked and surprised he looked at it. I kept going.
And I was like, okay, you got to get it together. You got to get it together.
We got, we got to sell this. We got to sell it like, oh, what? Oh, I didn't know.
Like, that's what the fuck I was going to try gonna try to pull off but i couldn't stop fucking laughing i think i was also like super nervous that i just ignored a cop that told me to fucking pull over so i get into the gas station and i know the cops are coming and dude i i am laughing so hard i can't even fucking i can barely stand i'm laughing so hard the fucking guy on the other side of the pump, like sort of like looked over to see like I'm talking like like doing that, like wheezing, almost no sound coming up. My face is fucking is my whole head is red as a fucking tomato.
And I'm in this panic going, you got to stop laughing. You got to stop laughing.
They're coming. They're coming.
And it just got to the point I couldn't stop laughing. And then I just gave into it.
I'm like, I'm just going to, I guess I'm going to get arrested. I'll miss my flight.
I don't know what the fuck's going to happen. But like when they pull up and I'm laughing at them, like, you know, this isn't going to be good.
This isn't going to be good. And I ended up finishing filling up my tank.
And they didn't come. So now I'm like, what the fuck? Now I'm done laughing.
I'm back in the car. Now I have to drive back into the airport, and I got to go by this cop again.
I'm like, how am I going to pretend like I didn't see him twice? So I go to the airport, and unfortunately, as I mentioned before, the drop-off off for the car was before where i saw the cops so i fucking pulled in there dropped the car off now i don't know if he got the plate or whatever or any of that shit then i'm going to went into the airport and all that i'm fucking like feeling like i'm in midnight express is somebody gonna catch me long story short nothing happened I think what happened was he was so not fucking prepared for me not to stop. And he was so surprised, which was why he had that look on his face that made me fucking laugh.
That he didn't get a plate or anything. And I actually got away with it.
And I got on the plane. And, uh.
Oh, you know what's funny? I never told my wife that story. I never told Nia that.
I think I told her like a couple years later. So like, you know, she could laugh about it.
Because she would have been like, you know. She would have said, what, anyway, why don't you just fucking stop? You realize you were the asshole.
You were the entitled asshole. Driving like 50 miles an hour.
So there you go. So here I am trashing that cop for over fucking reacting.
And I have that same thing. And maybe that's why I didn't like what the cop did.
Because I see that ugliness in me. There we go.
You see that? It comes all full circle. And you know what? I don't mind a vegan meal.
You know? I used to go to this Ethiopian restaurant out in L.A. It was fucking fantastic.
Fantastic goddamn food. Anyway, all right.
That's the podcast. I'm going to have a sneezing fit here.
Thank you to everybody that's been coming out to the show, man have just been having so much fun performing it for you and uh you know the tone that michael kieran and bob have been setting you know just being fucking regular guys has just made it it's just like this fucking killer hang every day you know what i mean like most people we hang out in the general area shooting Shooting the shit. People bringing food in.
It's fucking... It's so fucking perfect.
I'm nervous if I ever do Broadway again. It's like there's no way it's going to be this good.
So with that environment, we're having great shows. So if you get a chance, if you're in New York, definitely come down and check it out.
This is one of the fucking best plays ever written. And I am so psyched to be a small part of it.
All right?

The producers are sitting in the room right now with a gun to my head, so I'd say all that.

I'm fucking with you.

All right, that's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves.

Enjoy your weekend, your cunts, and the music Andrew Thinnell's picked out.

And we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

See ya. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 27th, 2017.

2017, fucking decades flying by.

You know, what happened to 2011, 12, 13?

Can somebody tell me that?

14 was cool.

Vaguely remember 15.

And then 16, you know, I want to thank everyone who whined so much about it last year oh my god this is the worst year ever i mean that one's pretty vivid a lot of crying a lot of crying and i don't mean for the right reasons like david bowie and prince passing but you know hillary losing and that type of shit a lot a lot of crying a lot of whining um anyways i uh I don't even know what the fuck to tell you.

I've been being fucking daddy daycare here.

You know what I did for the first time?

We finally went out, right?

Me and me were going fucking crazy.

Because you have a baby.

You have a little baby.

You have a little lady.

This is the thing.

If it's your first kid, you're fucking scared to death.

You're like, I can't take this thing outside.'s gonna get ebola you get all fucking nervous you know and then it's got

to get his fucking immunizations and all that type of shit and you just like go and you go who do i

fucking believe here jesus christ i'll tell you those fucking shots this is what i actually i

just sat down i was like nobody who's ever been in the medical field told me not to do it

Thank you. Jesus Christ, I'll tell you those fucking shots.
This is what I actually I just sat down.

I was like, nobody who's ever been in the medical field told me not to do it.

I've had comedians, high school friends, fucking actresses.

A bunch of non-doctors have advised to go, what am I not going to get her fucking vaccinated for polio?

No, it's not that what it is. It's this is is this shut the do you even own a lab coat all you're doing is scaring the shit out of me so anyways um so we were you know you're fucking afraid so finally we're just like all right fuck this we got a stroller you know so we started taking walks around the.
But my block has like the shittiest sidewalk. It's like, you know, the ground's all shifted out here.
There's tree roots pushing it up. You have no idea when you're just walking down the street.
You know, you start pushing the stroller and you're trying to keep the kid quiet. You know, because she finally fell asleep.
It's like I'm pushing my daughter up the street. It's like fucking liquid nitrogen.
I'm just trying to keep her. I don't want to have to start crying in the middle of the street.
Just going down the street, waking everybody up. And I guess they were already awake.
I don't know. So we finally ended up going to the mall.
I had that experience. I went to the mall with my wife and my kid.
We pulled in, had out a stroller take her out of the car seat put her in and start walking around the mall and i gotta tell you it was fucking awesome i for the first time in my life i get the mall i get it you know it's for teenage kids when they're trying to get away from their parents like mom just leave me alone i want to have my friends that era before you have a license really you can't really go anywhere you just need some sense of fucking freedom and it's for after you become a parent you have to get out of the fucking house into some sort of controlled environment where there's enough goddamn people that you don't have to worry about anybody snatching your goddamn kit you know um so we walked around and uh just had a great fucking time it was like the perfect day and uh you know neo was all excited to be out because uh you know women just oh jesus the shit they go through being being the guy it's the best i to God. It's why they fucking, I think it's why they make our lives so goddamn miserable.
They see how easy it is. And the thing is, we don't realize how easy it is because we've only been us.
You know what I mean? How long it takes them to get ready. Do you know how long it takes me to get ready? Now I got a fucking shaved head.
I mean, I don't even have to do anything anything you can literally hose me off in the backyard and i i could you know i'd be ready in like seven minutes easy seven minutes because i always got to run around and find my cell phone for like five of those minutes but you know if i if i actually was organized and knew where all my shit was i could be i could be ready in like three minutes um anyways yeah they go through all of that shit you know what i mean they gotta breastfeed they gotta they gotta they gotta pump all of that crap i don't have to do any of that you know what i mean so she was going fucking nuts dealing with um everything that nature put on her and she finally had to get out of the house and it's the happiest i've seen her we walked around had a a great time you know what they have at malls now this is the second mall i've been to that they have like a tesla um store like you can go in like who the fuck just goes to the mall and buys a car you know i mean you go there you buy sunglasses right a fucking hula hoop whatever whatever it is you buy that buy a car so i you know i can't resist i gotta go in there right i'm like what's the deal with this thing zero to 60 what are you 2.5 the guy's like 2.3. Oh, buy a car.
So I can't resist. I got to go in there, right?

And I'm like, what's the deal with this thing?

Zero to 60, what are you, 2.5?

The guy's like 2.3.

Oh, that's amazing.

I was up in San Jose.

The guy told me 2.5.

He shaved off another two hundredths of a second.

And I'm like, all right. So I get four adults in there.

And he goes, you can get five.

And I go, and I'm still going to go zero to 60 in 2.3 seconds it doesn't make any sense all that weight what am i up to there about 2.93 and he goes probably two six it's like what are you basing that on other than the fact you want to make a commission what am i basing mine on i don't fucking know so he goes all right let's take a look at this over here i go dude i just bought a car i love it i'm not gonna buy a car i'm gonna tell you right now but i just want to see you know if i got the car that i wanted what this thing's gonna cost me right so i go i go give me the one with the motor the all-wheel drive all right i went black i didn't want to get the black interior because it's hot as shit out here right so? So the guy goes, do you want the fucking, the full moonroof and everything? I go, dude, look at me. I'm almost an albino and I have a shaved head.
Do you fucking, and he goes, no, no, the tint's crazy on it. I said, all right, put it on the fucking car.
What do I care? I'm not buying this thing, right? Give me the best, you know, best tires, best rims, best, best fucking everything. Then they had this thing, oh, you know, for five grand, when when you get on the highway it kind of drives it kind of helps you and i was like dude why would i buy a car like this and have something else drive i want to drive it i don't need that shit right so that i didn't get everything else i got and in the end i took a picture of it i forget how much it cost ah fuck i don't need the exact number in the end you know what it costs 152 000 the fuck and what kills me is someone's gonna go to the mall and buy one of those 152 000 fucking dollars i just wish they looked cooler i love the fucking tires and everything and there's you know if you get the right tires and rims and shit really help that car and the front end definitely looks better i don't know

man you know what it looks like it looks like that four-door porsche that's ugly as shit

that panamera whatever that you know you know they always try to do that in like the uh

the car commercials well they have a two-door car they have the dad then he has the baby and

then he grabs the bumper and he turns it into a four-door car like oh wow this is like a sports car but it's a four-door sedan no it isn't it's a four-door sedan and it went but that's trying to be a sports car and then it becomes ugly that's why i like the mercedes the bmw and the jet and the jaguars because they still look like cars like four-door sedan then you step on the gas the gas. It's like, oh, shit, look at this.
Who knew? I don't know what I'm talking about here. Anyway, so we ended up having a great time, and I walked by the fucking, what store is that thing? Whoever, the one that looks like the letter H.
It's not Nike or Adidas. It's the other one.
It's the one that fucking Steph Curry has. And in the window, they had these ugly-ass basketball shoes.
And I looked, and it said Curry 3s. Dude, gun to your head.
What do you like better, the Kobe 11s or the Curry 3s? I don't know, dude. the curry threes i don't know dude the curry threes you know

with a fucking crisp pair of jeans and a hoodie dude over with your chain on the outside male fashionistas

to Jordan threes. All right, Jordan threes.
Okay. male fashionistas dude Jordan 3's alright Jordan 3's okay with the pair of Joe's jeans alright and a button down in a new Yankee dude new Yankee hat dude and a slice of pizza does it get any better? Playing PlayStation on the TV at inside Dallas Cowboys Stadium? Crazy.
Ultimate bachelor party, dude. A pair of fucking Jordan 9s, right? Jeans cuffed, creased with an Abercrombie and Fitch V-neck t-shirt, extra soft, playing PlayStation with a slice of pizza in a fucking Cowboy Stadium? Does it get any better than that, dude? Sorry.
I don't know what it is. I like sneakers and I've actually been buying some i just like the old ones like i got a pair of shell toes and i got a pair of early 80s fucking adidas like high tops like i like that shit like i don't know what the when fucking picasso started designing these goddamn things it's like it makes no sense um i'm gonna get in trouble for this shit i'm gonna say later on in this podcast

i i don't know what the fuck to tell you i got some shout outs to do i never give shout outs right

and um i just had a bunch that were just piling up and i'm like i finally got to give out some

fucking shout outs and then but i just never get around to them it's extra work i never give a

fuck but then finally somebody tipped me over the fucking edge right i was like all right i gotta i gotta give this person a shout out all right so first of all let's let's get the uh let's get the opener and the feature out of the way uh shout out to eric at bose for hooking me up with some of those bose headphones i was bitching about um people being loud on the you know on the plane and And by the way, this is not so I can get more free shit. I don't want any more shit.
I'm getting rid of shit. If you give me free shit, I'm going to give it away.
Or I'm going to send it down to fucking Goodwill, and it's going to end up in a truck that sits in a warehouse, and then they're going to dump it in the ocean. So I don't want any shit.
You know? A nice email. Hey, Bill, like your stuff.
That's just fine. OK, but if somebody did send me, you got to say thank you.
Right. All right.
Shout out to Eric at Bose and then James Shotwell. I did this thing this weekend.
Rock against MS, where I got to give an award to Richard Pryor's widow, Jennifer Pryor.

And, you know, Richard suffered from that disease. And, of course, he turned it into comedy and said how the disease actually slowed him down so he could live longer, which is really fascinating that that's probably true.
And anyways, James Shotwell was down there doing, I don't know, working like the sounder. I got to see all these fucking killer bands.

These amalgams.

Like fucking Alice in Chains with Nancy Wilson from Heart coming out, crushing it. And then she brought her new, uh, band out, Roadcase Royale, and they fucking killed it.
Dude, she's a, she's still a beast. I got to see Steven Adler play with an all-star band.

He played, what the hell did he play?

He played the Ramones' I Want to Be Sedated. And then I got to stand like 10 feet away from him.

I got to watch him play Welcome to the Jungle and Rocket Queen

and see all these little subtle things that he's,

first of all, I get to see all the genius drum parts

that fit so perfectly to that song. And then just the different ways that he played them.
You know that part? You know, so... It's really...
I always thought he was on both toms. He's just riding on the floor tom.
And on the second snare hit, comes over with the flamp. That's that little shit.
When you're a drum nerd like me, I'm like, that's how he fucking plays it. And I got, of course, he was cool as shit.
You know, he's such a fucking great guy, man. Had, you know, a couple people were there that had MS.
He let him fucking sit like right behind him while he played. When he finished playing, he came out.
He high-fived everybody in the front row. Dude, we were at the L.A.
Theater in downtown L.A., and it was, I guess it was a theater. It was designed by Charlie Chaplin.
Okay, and when you walk in, in the foyer, there's a picture of Charlie Chaplin walking in the night it first opened with Albert Einstein. And, of course, I missed that photo.
Somebody told me it was there. But downstairs, they have this kid's room that still has the original paint, so they say don't touch the walls.
And, of course, it's all these creepy fucking drawings. Like, being a kid was so fucking scary back then.
All these creepy drawings of clowns and horses and shit. And someone was trying to claim, and I to believe that this is true that they that's where you brought your babies when they cried and if they got really loud they had these little like cabinets you just open the door and you put the baby in you close the door it's like even downstairs they could still hear it i refuse to believe that that's true but um i ended up i co-hosted it with craig gas who that guy's impressions a fucking unbelievable man is sam kinnison his gene simmons sebastian bach and he's hung out with all of these guys so he has all these unreal stories and he does dead on impressions and jim florentine was there um it was an amazing fucking night so um thank you to uh nancy sale for putting that whole thing on and i'll do it any year that they want and then lastly but leastly um got it we got a actually i got a request from somebody who says that she's a fan a lady fan of the podcast in my stand-up but what what she requested i guess is already over uh she's trying to be uh in next year's sports illustrated swimsuit lisa marie jafta but the voting's already closed so i don't know i don't know if it was real or not i immediately didn't believe that it was a real email and then then she sent a video going, no, seriously.
I know you're a bald, middle-aged cunt, but I actually like your stuff. If you could send your listeners over to vote for me, you know, maybe I can get in the issue next year.
And I don't know. That's such a weird world.
You know what I mean? You know what I mean? That fucked me up about that world. There's one time nia had me watch this fucking thing about it and they had this creep that was like the go-to guy and he called himself uncle terry anybody who's not your uncle ladies anybody who's not your uncle and she says just call me uncle so and so yeah he's trying

to fuck you he's a fucking this guy was one of the creepiest fucking people i've ever seen in my goddamn life um so anyways my apologies the voting is already fucking over but i don't even know if this i don't even know if it was real to be honest with you but you know what i'm a middle-aged bald man and i that's wanting to believe that that's true is it that's really all i have um and speaking of swimsuit models oh uh billy fat tits here has been fucking doing great on the elliptical i'm back in it man i'm back in it up last night and had a glass of booze. Oh, the booze won last night.
I just had a glass, which is probably considered a triple in any fucking hipster bar. But I was going to go to bed.
I wasn't going to have it. You know, I've been doing good.
I stopped eating at five and at 1130, you know, Nia had had come home i was hanging out with my daughter the

whole night man she was a riot she was a riot jesus christ dude she had two apocalyptic fucking diapers yesterday that was just like it was just like really i don't think i i don't think i i don't think i we've bought enough provisions

to ever get this

fixed again.

So

um we've bought enough provisions to ever get this fixed again so um she came home late and uh and i was just gonna go to bed and i kept playing mental tennis should i have a glass don't have glass try and lose weight should i have a glass don't have it and finally the booze was just looking like come on you know what the booze was like? It was like Jimmy the Gent, you know, after they fucking did the Lifwanza heist, however you say it. My bottle was just over there and going, come here, yo.
Come here, yo. You know, when Henry comes walking in.
So I had one. So I don't know.
I'm at like 181.2. And I've just been in the 80s.
I hate being in the 80s.

That's when I just when I shift my weight around on the couch just to go reach for the remote.

You just feel the rolls going on the side of you.

You know, I don't know how people do it. I don't know how you just walk around being a fucking fat body.

I don't know why you tolerate that. You got one fucking life and you know, you know, goddamn well in the back of your your head you don't know where you go after this okay let's say best case scenario you get reincarnated all right because the whole heaven hell thing it's the same thing every day after a while it's not even gonna have any value what are you gonna light me on fire again okay what is it another perfect day oh boy you're to be like those teenagers at the mall.
Oh, God. I'm so bored, right? Best case scenario, you get reincarnated.
The fucking odds that you're going to come back again as a human being. I mean, you know, if you can come back as a fucking mouse or some shit, like, you know, fucking running around, almost having a heart attack.
If some reptile is slowly tracking you, getting eaten alive, you know, this is the best you got. so you can fucking sit here and having a heart attack if some reptile is slowly tracking you getting eaten alive you know this is the best you got so you can fucking sit here and become a tub of shit you don't you owe it to yourself so this is what I've been doing this has been the breakfast of a freckled champion every morning I wake up and I go out to the garage and what do I do I I do? I go to, um, I go on the fucking elliptical

as my, um, my rotator cuff is slowly getting better. Today I did some lady pushups.
I was going to do 20. I was like, don't push it.
Stop to 12, stop to 12. Just trying to keep the fucking man tits from sagging down into my navel.

I do like a half hour on the elliptical. And then I come in for breakfast.
I have one of those little oranges and I have a poached egg. And that's it.
And then I have a banana between there and lunch. And then for lunch, I have some sort of protein.
You know, maybe with a little bit of bread, some sort of kind. I know bread's the enemy.
Go fuck yourself. It's the only bread I have.
And then I don't know what the fuck it is. Then I have a protein with the salad at four, protein with the salad at six, and then I'm done.
Then I just drink waters for the rest of the night, in theory, unless the fucking Jimmy the Jet moment happens and I get fucked over. Anyways, so I have to do this shit.
I got to get my ass back down. I can't.
My birthday is coming up in June. I'm going to be 49 fucking years old, which I'm actually pretty – I'm all right with it.
Once you have a kid, you're kind of all right with being old. Other than that, you're like, oh my God, I'm 47, I don't have a kid.
I'm just going to die alone. I'm going to be 49, and there's no fucking way I'm going to be in the 180s.
It's just not going to happen. I'm telling you right now, I am going to be 172, my fighting weight.
That's where the hell I i want to be my shoulder's going to be healed and i have a bet with paul verzi that when i'm 70 years old i'm going to be able to do 10 pull-ups and if i don't get this rotator cuff fixed uh i'm going to be fucked because all i keep thinking about is jordan when he came back on the wizards you know and that was the first time you really saw a drop off in his playing level, because not only was he gone for three years, he didn't really play.

And when you stop, that's when you're fucked.

That's what I've learned.

Trying to get it back is hard.

It's really fucking hard.

Although, although Dean Del Rey, who crushed it in San Jose, Dean Del Rey in San Jose told me he's doing sets of 20 fucking pull ups.

I don't care i can't i'm having a i'm having you know i've gotten such so little material out of having a daughter i thought like oh fuck here we go my whole act is gonna fucking change man and it's been so awesome you know what am i gonna do talk to do? Talk about how great it is. Somehow get, you know what I do is I, I, I pretty much in my act, I just shit on people that talk about how difficult parenting is.
You know what I mean? I'm not saying, you know, it's not, I'm not walking around sleepy as shit all the time, but you know, come on, you know, go watch that fucking movie. I told, told you to watch where they torture that kid that plays the violin that guy from uh peaky blinders is in it anthropoid go watch that fucking thing watch what those people went through and tell me that being a parent is hard um anyways sorry plowing ahead oh what happened where do i start do i talk f1 do i talk about the F1? Do I talk about the Celtics?

Do I talk about the Bruins playing for their playoff,

fighting for their playoff lines?

Let's talk Bruins

and then I'll do a little advertising here.

The Bruins fucking 84 points.

We lost four fucking games in a row.

We just won one of those goddamn games.

We are now,

we were like all the way up to like,

I think a fourth seed at one point or a fifth seat we are now an eighth seat toronto is ahead of us i heard that goaltender got hurt though um where the fuck is it i had this goddamn standings what did i do with it um anyways i don't know we had a huge win thank you to riley nash for those two fucking huge goals against the island is we got the predators on tuesday and then we play the stars this is a big fucking boston team week dude you're gonna watch the to watch the Bees versus the Stas?

So I'm against the Predators, dude.

And I'm going to go out on a limb and say we kind of have to win both of those fucking games.

Or hope everybody beneath us just keeps losing.

Unreal. Unreal.

This is the third year in a row where just the bottom's falling up. But you know what? I slowly see improvement, though.
And I can see how this could be a team that could uh actually score a ton of goals in the future you know i saw on their website today the up you know the the frozen four is happening and uh we got like we have four prospects in the frozen four this year so who knows i mean the frozen four versus the nhl is a big fucking leap but who knows who knows maybe there's an there's an austin uh what the fuck's his name matthew's in there who knows um but anyways dude speaking of that shit speaking of the frozen four what about the final four i've barely paid attention man because i've been running around you know being a dad and everything but i every time i was like you heard me going duke lost? Then am I Kansas lost? Kentucky lost?

The f***? and a dad and everything, but every time I was like, you heard me going, Duke lost. Then I'm like, Kansas lost.
Kentucky lost. The final fours I remember Verzi telling me was, it's North Carolina, understandable.
South Carolina. Gonzaga, and I forget who the other team is.
Basically, there's no, everybody's bracket is fucked at this point.

If your bracket isn't fucked, if there's somebody out there that actually picked this year's final four in the NCAA,

you either don't know shit about fucking basketball and just guessed,

or your dad's in the mob and something's going down this year because just everybody's out of it.

I don't know who I'm gonna vote for gonzaga south carolina my teams were duke or kansas and i was always like ucla um and they all got ucla got fucking knocked out you know annoyed me that day i was walking down the street you know because all the bandwagon fucking ucla fans all of a sudden everybody's rabid out here you know and i was wearing a bruins sweatshirt i'm walking down the street and this guy goes hey he goes hey it's ucla bruins not boston bruins i just laughed yeah man you guys are good this year he's like yeah we are and walked away i was like wait a minute i was at the car wash and i fucking looked it up like who was the bruins first and it was like ucla's basketball team was around before the boston bruins but their first year in like 1918 or something they were the ucla cubs and then the next year they switched to the grizzlies and in like 1928 they joined i don't know it was the pack something pack 10 pack 12 or i don't know what the fuck it was back then pack 8 i have no idea but like there was some team from montana that was already the grizzlies in a 1928 they switched to the ucla bruins however the boston Bruins were in 1924. All right? So all due respect to Coach Wooden, all due respect to the UCLA program.
I actually like the school and everything, but when it comes to that Bruin shit, go fuck yourself, all right? We were there first. Okay, so you stand the fuck down.
It's a different sport. It's a pro sport.
So relax. You know, bad.
I've been replaying that in my head that I wish that I had that information. You know, I wish they were in the final four.
And I would actually, I'm such an argumentative cunt. I would actually fucking maybe drive over to Westwood and get some air quote lunch and just walk around with that shirt it's like it'd be like ah 1924 versus 19 for you were the Cubs then you were the Grizzlies hey know your history know your history you know like like I'm the fucking the sports guru like I just didn't look that shit up because some guy was a cunt to me near the car wash um all right let's do some reads here for this week youtube channel announcement oh yeah i gotta do that too all right internet privacy oh these are the reads for this week this is the shit that people sent in all right there you go just like that we're done with the advertising we're done with the advertising and we're on the other side of the half hours we're gonna do traffic on the on the sixes.
Anybody out on the 405, you might want to get yourself a helicopter.

There's a lot of traffic.

Everybody's slowing down watching somebody change a tire.

Anyways, let's talk some F1 action.

Did anybody, did you watch the Australian Grand Prix?

Grand Prix?

Grand Prix down in Melbourne, Australia.

It was a great fucking race, and it lived up to the hype.

Thank you. Grand Prix, Grand Prix, Grand Prix down in Melbourne, Australia.
It was a great fucking race and it lived up to the hype that this year the Ferraris were going to be good. I've only watched this sport for one season, so I don't know shit about it.
All I know is last year it was all about the Mercedes team. Lewis Hamilton, Nico Rosberg, you know, they had the whole days of thunder.
You know, I'm the guy who's been around the block. I'm the other fuck.
I'm the Tom Cruise guy. Somebody's fucking Robert Duvall.
And everybody else was just watching last year. And if those two guys didn't hate each other, it would have been fucking boring as shit because basically every race was a race to the first corner.
Whoever got there first was just driving through clean air and the cars were so equally matched nobody could catch up with somebody you basically had to fuck up or your car died um so all the exciting racing was like for you know fourth fifth sixth place or whatever three psychos going after it for the last you know championship point as they say you know back in 10th place that was exciting but up front it was just lewis hamilton or nico rosberg just just doing laps was you know kind of got a little boring so this year they were talking about how um ferrari was very quiet eerily quiet during the off season working on their their suspension and the engine and all that type of shit with the new regulations whatever the fuck they are i don't know what they are and that they they were going to make a serious challenge for uh against mercedes this year so the fucking race starts and uh the australian dude i already forget his name rico rekenberg i have no fucking idea like eventually i'll get these people's names down Ricky Rocket, I already forget his name. Rico Rekenberg, I have no fucking idea.
Like, eventually, I'll get these people's names down. Ricky Rocket, I forget, okay? Everybody wanted him to win.
The poor bastard, he's down there, and they're taking, like, the warm-up lap or whatever, and not even the warm-up lap. They're just going around getting ready to get into position just to do the warm-up lap, and his car gets stuck in sixth gear.
We've all been there, right? The side of the highway. Except he's got 100,000 people and millions of fans around the world watching this shit.
So they've got to push his car and they've got to take out the fucking transmission. In like five minutes, throw a new one in there and try to get it back in the fucking car before the race starts.
That alone, if they just showed that, that would have been amazing. They kind of kept cutting back to it.
I wish they showed more of it. Long story short, he wasn't able to get out there until the second lap.
He was already two laps down. So that kind of sucked for all the Australian fans.
And then his car shit the bed halfway through the race. However, so the race fucking starts.
All right. I think Lewis Hamilton had the pole.
And then Sebastian Vettel for Ferrari was in second place. And Lewis had a great start and he was out front.
And I go, well, I guess that's it. I guess the Mercedes are going to win it this year, right? So they get about 20 laps in and Lewis Hamilton pits.
It's one of these races. It was like 57 laps.
And the announcers were saying that they were going to pit one time and it's all when you pit and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So all this shit is becoming fascinating to me.
So Lewis Hamilton goes into pit, right? Sebastian Vettel was, I don't know how far behind, a couple seconds behind. He decides to stay out there.
So the whole time when Lewis was out there in first place, Sebastian's behind him. All right.
So Lewis is driving in the clean air. It's like, you know, if you're on a fucking on a lake and you bring it's just still water, you could you could go way faster in your boat as opposed to the water was all fucking choppy.
You got to go slower. That's the same thing, except it's with air.
I'm just saying this for everybody else out there who's dumb like me and the fact that air is invisible you don't understand it so no matter what this guy is doing sebastian vettel he can only get so close to uh to lewis hamilton because all the air coming off of him and i guess the tires are bigger this year which causes more turbulence it would, he's going to use more fuel and chew up more of his tires if he gets too close to him, which is really fucking, I don't know. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.
So Hamilton was having problems with the tire. He pits early.
So the Ferrari team takes a gamble and says, fuck this, we're going to stay out there. So Sebastian now is in first place driving into clean air.
He's got the nice smooth lake. He's bringing the boat across, except it's a car and it's going through air.
You still with me? And he stays out there for one lap. And they go, he's definitely going to come in for the second lap.
Meanwhile, Lewis Hamilton came right back out of the pits and then was technically in fourth place. But he already pitted the other two guys in front of him have to pit and so does the other guy so technically it's like he's still in first place but now he's driving in dirty air back there so sebastian's flying around the track he goes around a second time and you know the tires are getting chewed up he's driving like a fucking maniac and then he comes around a third time and they're like he's not gonna he's not gonna fucking stay out there.
He stayed out there again. And now, basically,

it was like this was the most exciting part of it because this is the fucking race so basically what he's trying to do he's trying to get out so far ahead that he has time to pit when he goes in get his tires and get back out on the track in front of fucking uh lew It was like a fucking movie. He pulls in his fourth time around, comes in.
They fucking take the tires. You got to go so fucking slow, too, now.
You got to slow down to like you're driving a Prius when you're in there. And as he's slowing down, they're showing Lewis is coming around.
He's coming around. He's coming around.
He gets the tires. Fucking Sebastian's coming out.
It it's like a fucking action movie and it was literally he just sebastian uh for ferrari just got out in front of lewis hamilton and then that was the race you saw the mercedes guy slammed his hand down on the guy in the pits right the head fucking guy right the guy who goes to the eyes wide shut illuminati parties at the end of the fucking race right they're probably on some yacht that's like invisible like the air that they drive through right he fucking slammed his hand down like medium and then fucking slammed it down a second time right there i was like this guy knows this fucking race is over and that was it ferrari won the first race you know backing up their lack of shit talk they were real quiet in the offseason. So I was actually really, you know, I'm one of those guys.

I like both teams, Mercedes and Ferrari.

I mean, I don't know how you get mad at either one of them. The fucking beautiful, amazing cars that they've built all this fucking over the years.

So I'm just happy that this seems like there's going to be competition.

And if it can be as exciting as that for the whole season, think um maybe some more you guys can get into it like i did i believe the next race is in china in indochino in china um that's going to be the next one but i was i was thrilled with the race um i don't know how many f1 fans listen to this shit uh love to hear your thoughts on it. All right, what else? What else? The Celtics won.
The Celtics are technically in first place right now, but we got two games at hand. We've won one more game and lost one more game than the Cavaliers, but I don't see the Cavaliers not getting the number one seed unless they get real, I don't know, somebody gets fucking hurt or some shit like that.
All right, last announcement, and then I'm going to read your fucking emails for the week. All right, my YouTube channel that I'm slowly but surely building up.
All right? I'm gradually just transitioning to the fucking internet here. My whole career is just gonna be on the internet internet other than my live dates and f is for family because everything else is drying up so my youtube channel which i'm i'm serious about building up with content um i actually hired a uh an animator and um hired a couple of people to start making videos and putting content up there.
I'm going to be doing tours of every city that I go to now. I'm bringing those things back.
I'm actually considering bringing on this guy that does drum covers that looks like me, but isn't me, but maybe it's me. So anyways, what do we got here uh on tuesday the first video from alan palin pronounced palin on the official podcast channel alan palin is the guy who edited together um remember that one when i commentated basketball um he's the guy who did that so um we're gonna have new uh videos from him every single week.
My YouTube page is youtube.com slash user slash. It's backslash.
The one that starts further away and then comes in towards you like a flare chop. YouTube.com backslash user backslash Monday morning podcast.
Please subscribe to the channel. Check it out.
I'm going to start making some videos and that type of shit um i don't know that i'll ever videotape the podcast because it's just me laying here right now i'm wearing a t-shirt pajama bottoms and slippers how interesting is that going to be and i every time i whenever i saw radio shows videotaped they just something happened where it was boring i like the fact that like podcasts it's just like radio and the fact that you're doing shit right now you're driving home from work you're on the fucking elliptical you know you're pouring yourself a drink you're cleaning the house whatever you're doing whatever the fuck it is you're doing you can do other shit right all of a sudden it's videotaped you feel like you got to watch somebody talking into a microphone i don't get it all right here we go internet privacy everybody uh hey billy thought you might like this a private internet access provider took out a full page ad in the new york times calling out 50 senators who voted to monitor monitor the public's internet activity for financial gain what people care a lot about their public image and i think this should be done more to combat assholes let me well let me click on this thing i can't click on it because i'm not on the internet hang on let me try and find this here i gotta see who the cunts are who are the cunts that signed to onto this all right we are the cunts we don't give a shit all right hello world these are the 50 senators who monitored who voted to monitor your internet activity oh jesus christ i can't read them they're too fucking small all right oh jesus jesus what are they all republicans dude the way they vote man because it was probably something else that was pro-conservative that's the only reason why the fucking democrats didn't it's so fucking hatfield and mccoy's it's basically it's all republicans representative from tennessee alen x. Representative from Wyoming, Barrasso.
Blunt from Missouri. Booseman from Arkansas.
Byrne from North Carolina, you fucking piece of shit. Ruining the name.
Caputo from West Virginia. Cassidy from Louisiana.
Corkman from Mississippi. Collins from Maine.
Corker from Tennessee. You know what? I'm just going to, I'm going to just retweet this fucking picture.
Jesus Christ. Republicans, all Republicans.
Cruz from Texas. Crapo from Idaho.
Some hell of a name. Dames from Montana.
Another one from Wyoming. Enzi from Wyoming.
Ernst from Iowa. This is all of this shit.
Rubio from Florida. Purdue from Georgia.
Portman from Ohio. This is all like, this is all the thing is all the thing is fake news it's all fake news you know it's basically um you know who's kidding who news it's propaganda it's bullshit it's bullshit but what they want is their bullshit in your brain that's what they want so what they want to do is gradually take control of this shit and they're going to make fake news basically your opinion of what's going on they're going to make that like illegal to do um and they're probably looking over at china going like hey china how the fuck did you do this and china's going like all right this is how we did it so they gradually do that much like the nazis were looking at us going like hey how did you do that shit to the native americans because we want to do that to the jews now we're going to do that probably what look i bet i bet the fucking higher up one percent cunts the people who make profit off a war and everybody's misery i bet they are envious of the internet in in red china the way you know uri is envious when somebody drives down the street by you in a fucking ferrari you know i don't know all right well i'm i'm good for that person that put that up there um that's fucking disgusting i wonder what was linked to it though you know what i? Cause it's never just in defense of all of those fucking people.
It's never just one thing, which is another bullshit thing. You know, when, when they vote for something, they shouldn't just be one thing.
Should we, or should we not vote for solar power? It should just be about that. But then they tag all this other shit onto it, the bill which is fucking that's how they get everything through and then it's always like you know something completely fucked up and then when that person goes to run for office you know they voted for the bill because they're into solar power but then the thing that the the appendix that they put onto it they can like, this guy doesn't think kids should have ice cream.

He voted against that.

It's like,

no,

I voted for alternative sources of energy to bankrupt the, uh,

the,

the terrorist terrorist.

Um,

all right.

Bullying manager,

dear bill,

about a month ago,

a lady dairy queen manager in Missouri was charged for involuntary manslaughter.

What?

Huh?

Would you give me a second? a lady Dairy Queen manager in Missouri was charged for involuntary manslaughter? What?

Huh?

Did she give the guy an ice cream headache?

Is that what she did?

Keep eating ice cream, then I'll blow you.

The guy fell for it and he stuck his head into the fucking smoothie machine.

The soft serve there?

All right.

Allegedly, the Dairy Queen manager was a dick to one of its employees.

Filled with name-calling and belittling day after day.

Isn't it great to see women getting positions of power

and just acting exactly as fucking ridiculous as men?

You know, most people cannot handle a position of power.

I mean, look at me.

Look at the power I have with this podcast.

I don't have the decency to put on pants. I in pajamas and slippers i am part of the problem um one incident reportedly the manager threw a burger on the floor after he made it incorrectly and then made the 17 year old clean it up the kid was also a victim of bullying at school as well um None of this is going to justify this kid harming this boss.

You quit the job.

But voiced most of the bullying.

But voiced?

Most?

That doesn't make sense.

But most of the bullying happened at work.

What happened to this person who wrote this sentence? They wrote wrote but voiced most of the bullying happening at work and singling singling out his boss out his boss okay well eventually the kid ended up shooting himself in the head oh boy did not see that coming yes i know it's a sad story that that happens too often does it do a lot of people get bullied at dairy queen and then blow their brains out i thought that was a happy place they got soft serve ice cream what could go wrong but the town wanted to hold somebody responsible for his suicide the authorities air quote investigated and interviewed people and his stories of being

teased and made fun of were retold the cops ultimately came to the conclusion that his dairy queen boss was the reason the kid is dead oh my jesus christ wait a minute hey it's a little bit of an overreach and she was charged with secondary involuntary manslaughter after me hearing this story is that proper english shouldn't be after i heard this story after for me after hearing this story i'm waiting for somebody on tv to state the the obvious this is bullshit how can you blame someone for another person killing themselves it's not my fault how other people handle my insults you've been called billy fat tits how many times well first of all i'm not 17 all right um i think enough bullying can drive somebody to it it depends on how it is and and how fragile somebody is but uh there's just so many fucking

variables involved like what the person let's say this person was a bully at Dairy Queen like what happened to them as a kid that made them the way they are how old is this person because for me

I just feel that

I honestly believe that

you know

people in their 20s, for the most part, it's just it's that is the most purest form of the direct results of the parents that you had. is now you're out in the world.
They're not there to be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, knock it off, you know,

and you have to make decisions for yourself

and you go around like i know when i was in my 20s i took without realizing it i was taking my everybody takes their childhood out on people in their 20s because you don't know what the fuck you're doing uh so hopefully you had a good one so you taking it out is, um, is you're actually a nice person like Pete Holmes,

his character on crashing,

by the way,

I fucking love that show.

Um,

TJ Miller,

um,

Artie Lang.

And I believe the guy's name is George Basil.

Uh,

I watched the first three fucking episodes and they were killing me. And their interaction with Pete's character is great.
And I can't wait. I love Pete Holmes.
I cannot wait to break his balls about his character on that show, though. I'm really going to break his balls like Pete.
Is that how you see yourself? I'm just a nice guy who tries to do nice things. It's like, Pete're a fucking lunatic just like the rest of us um anyways oh i can't wait to i think one of my favorite things in this business is teasing him because he can fucking take it but uh you got to check out crashing uh john apatow uh pete holmes uh joey roses joe de rosa uh wrote on the show too uh mike perbigly i believe wrote on the show there's a bunch of people uh comics and everything and comics on it i saw gria burns dove davidoff all these comics uh marina franklin it's just it's fucking it's such an amazing show because i remember when he came to new york um as that wide-eyed kid And I had actually worked with him at this comedy club in Peoria, Illinois that doesn't exist anymore.
I worked with him at Brewster's when he was still married, I believe. Maybe he had just gotten divorced.
I can't fucking remember. I've told this story before.
We went to go see The Ring, and we were the only two people in the movie theater. And I hate that's that that is the detail because that sounds fake it's the only time it's ever happened we walked in it's a shitty movie theater we were two comedians it was the middle of the fucking there was like two in the afternoon we saw the ring on like a thursday afternoon in a shitty movie theater and i swear to god we're the only two fucking people there um that movie stayed with me certain certain one Blair Witch stayed with me that one stayed with me um some of them just to just they just fucking creep me out and they stay with me um for whatever reason Jordan Peele's movie when that that guy comes running when the kids smoking the cigarette and then the guy comes fucking just running up full speed at him that fucked with me that's for whatever reason that fucking stayed with me um anyways there's like shit i think about when i go to my car at night even though i know it's not real i just think about what if that fucking dude just came running just like that at the last second made a right turn in front of me um anyways how the fuck did i get onto all of that shit talking about this poor kid who killed himself um anyways he said that throwing uh okay what does he say you've been called billy fat tits how many times and by how many people if you kill yourself over half of your listeners will go to jail how is this a law how many times can you call somebody fat before it's against the law? And can we stop saying bullying? It's just being teased and made fun of.
That's not true, man. That isn't.
That's not true. That's not true.
It depends on the level and it depends on the intent. And all of this shit will be really hard to prove.
But like, you know, it is sir is you have to have empathy here and what i'm guessing is is that you were more the person teasing than getting teased um and maybe you were a little bit more of a stronger person the same way somebody else might have just been better at math than you um i know looking back, you know, in my high school, I know that there was, you know, there was kids that got it really fucking bad. Really bad.
And, you know, one of whom, you know, killed himself a few years later. And I remember thinking back, I don't know what it was based on, but certainly did not have a good experience in high school the last couple of years and it's one of those things because kids are kids and they don't they don't understand it um it's a really complex thing but i would say if this kid was also bullied at school and then if this person was a cunt at a dairy queen I mean it's sort of an amalgam of all of that and then also the personality some people they're born they're just really sensitive shy people and um they don't know how to handle it and if you're prone to depression shit i imagine that you know that's sort of the perfect storm so um anyways he, they throw this bullying word around like it's an epidemic sweeping all these heartless millennials.
We've all been made fun of before. We've all been called names ever since we were little kids.
You sound like an older person like me and you're just doing the, yeah, these kids today, these millennials. And oh, my God, they're fragile little flowers.
And they're not all like that dude there's still you think there's still not the mean kid you still don't think there's there's you know the big guy just fucking beating on there's always gonna be the bigger kid beating on the younger kids the smaller kids or whatever um we need to let this continue it builds character if you were always given a trophy you're the map here, dude. It only told compliments.
You wouldn't be a comedian. No, now you're speaking for me.
You would still be working in the carpeted area discussing, which I never worked there, your favorite route to work in the morning. All I'm saying is that we're all becoming weak pussies because of laws like this and nobody's addressing it.
But can bill with your soon-to-be emmy winning podcast you can champion this cause for all our sake or whatever hope to see you in portland soon thanks i have to be honest with you sir all right i think uh the true sign of maturity aside from on one side being able to take a good ribbing and and learning how to have more of a sense of humor about yourself and also learning that whatever is happening today is not the end of the fucking world and that you know there's probably kids listening right now that get bullied this thing. All of that shit, it's you're not going to see any of those fucking people ever again after high school.
And your whole fucking life is going to be determined by you and the decisions you make. And you have 100 percent control over that.
So, you know, and I think a lot of times people get bullied. Aside from the fact that they're that they're just smaller, weaker.
They just seem like targets. I think, you know, and I think a lot of times people get bullied aside from the fact that they're that they're just smaller, weaker.
They just seem like targets. I think, you know, sometimes when people see somebody that's talented, they'll go after them.
And so you got to make sure that you kind of push all that shit away. But the other side, I think that really shows that you're mature is is empathy.
You know what i mean uh it certainly helps like uh i mean i think it's easy to do that the rant that you did i understand there's a lot of truth in some of the shit that you're saying but um you know it's not all just like oh learn how to fucking take it you fucking pussy stop wearing a helmet when you're riding bicycles and shit. And I'm guilty of saying stuff like that.

I understand where you're coming from, but like, you know. So why do you think this kid killed himself? You know what I mean? Do you think if that shit wasn't happening, the kid still would have? I mean, it's a possibility.
I don't know if the kid had clinical depression. I have no idea.
But i agree with you to try from what you've written for the sentences where the what was spelt correctly uh it seems like that kid was just having a miserable experience i mean i can't imagine if you were getting bullied all day at school and then you go okay well now i'm going to get a job this might be a ray of light to what the future is going to be, where I'll be at work and maybe people are nicer, and then it just becomes somebody else screaming at you. You know, when you're 17 years old, if it sucks at school and it sucks at the Dairy Queen you work at, that is your world.
And you don't have an ability to step out of it, and you can downward spiral. Once i don't think that they should put it all on this person but that's a uh it's a fucking terrible story um but i i don't think this backlash to the to to political correctness to then go the other fucking the go the all the way back once again to what caused political correctness.
All you fucking guys. Hey, pull your bootstraps up.
Stop being a fucking pussy. You fucking millennial flower.
It's guys like you that are fucking ranting against fucking political correctness. It's cunts like you that created political correctness.
You know, white guys that tell it like it is. Is there anything worse than the white guy i i know i always say that i fucking that's that is to me that is the most boring fucking mindset you could possibly have hey i'm a white guy everything's set up for me let me tell you who you know just not have the advantages that i have why you need to toughen up you know as i slept in my bunk bed and my cul-de-sac those were the years that i really became a tough guy um anyway so yeah i mean that's just a terrible story i i i hope that you know something good can come out of it because that's you know it's very rare that you know you bring up an ice cream store and something like that happens i was all excited you know i love fucking dairy queen you know my wife loves dairy queen we are dairy queen people uh cleaning up all right dear bill dear billy red face yeah i'm 52 years old congratulations most people don't live that long or a lot of people don't make it that far uh I'm 52 years old, but a life of drinking has made me look 62.
I still drink and I smoke weed all day. Jesus, this guy's going hard.
You drink and you smoke weed all day. I wasn't there for my kids growing up.
They had to go through a lot because of mine and my wife's addiction problems. Jesus, I imagine they did.
Let's just say, Jesus this is two depressing ones in a row what is this dr phil you need to stop drinking smoking weed and pay attention to your children crowd goes crazy another episode in the can and he gets more syndication money and then that fucking drunk walks out the door continues to do what the fuck he's doing and dr phil looks great uh let's just say the fact that they turned out let's just say the fact that they the way they turned out has nothing to do with me i take no credit for the people they are today well nor should you with the exception of any lingering anxiety i may i may have caused them i mean if you're the kind of dad that you're saying you were yeah you're kind of owning up to it which is good i guess unless you're doing that like so everybody goes no no you were actually a good dad all depends on what your your reasoning is um i don't live close to my daughters but i am starting to miss them um i feel like they'd be better without me at this point oh i'm at a fork in the road i can either clean up and realize that my life isn't over is that my phone buzzing oh and he spills his first glass of water of the day all right i gotta fucking call this back in a minute um all right where am i um i can either clean up and realize that my life isn't over and that i may have the grandchildren one day that i want to have a relationship with or just enjoy my responsibility less life uh responsibility less life until i die this sounds morbid and the answer may seem more obvious to someone else but there is a good chance my kids won't care either way at this point and i don't want to disrupt them by being the annoying hey can i come back into your life person quitting won't be easy and i'm trying to weigh my options what should i do uh you should get clean and sober and own up to everything apologize to your kids and then understand that it's your kids choice whether they want you back in their life or not and uh if that's what they decide that they don't you have to be a man about it and i wouldn't pout and go back to drinking and smoking um you can totally clean your life up and you can put years back on the odometer you know or you can be dead in 10 years i mean it's up to you i mean it, it's pretty easy choice. But I would say the first thing you should do is try to get help.
And I don't know. I got to tell you, dude, not drinking and all that type of stuff, you feel like a million bucks.
You know, four days of not drinking alone. When you wake up in the morning, you're going to feel 20 years younger.
You know? So I't know you want to keep feeling like shit it's gonna that's gonna be a brutal deathbed dude just sitting there waiting for someone to show up hoping someone's gonna show up you don't want that man you're only 52 you know you got a lot of years left you got a quarter of a century left if you if you eat right and uh exercise and all of that type of stuff so you know it's up to you man you're an adult i hope you make a positive choice jesus christ all right yogurt does anybody die in this one um maybe it's more than you want to bother but it's really easy to make your own yogurt uh then you know what's in it i'm not going to down going to load you down with links but this is a pretty decent start yeah and they sent me this fucking video of this woman immediately i'm envious of her of her kitchen and the fact that she gets she can speak more than one language because i think that's cool as shit but uh she's making yogurt and one of the things one of the ingredients she goes it's a yogurt. One of the ingredients she makes, one of the ingredients to her yogurt is yogurt.
I'm going to show you how to make chicken. All right? Get salt and pepper, put it in a bowl, and then go to the store and buy some chicken.
Some already made chicken. I don't get it.
I don't get that video. I'm fine with just the Greek yogurt probiotic.
It tastes fucking weird as shit, the stuff and after a while you get addicted to it and you love it so um i appreciate it i will post the link it's a great fucking you know i love about that stove it's got four burners and then it's got the griddle in the middle oh i love that oh i want that stove so fucking bad all right fun car to drive billy sports car uh you were talking about cars on Thursday. The most fun car I ever drove was a 1968 Alfa Romeo sedan.
Not the spider. Google it.
Short throw manual shift. My favorite fucking thing ever.
Handles great. Yeah, I actually I actually looked up the car.
There was only YouTube videos, pictures of them. Nobody had the sedan.
I'll tell you, one of the best, most fun shifting cars I ever drove was my older brother had like a 1981 two-door Toyota Tercel. Four-speed.
And that fucking thing, it was so tight. Dude, you had to move that fucking thing, I swear to god like an inch and a half and you were in another gear and uh even though it was a four-cylinder by today's standards you know it was a pretty goofy looking car sat high up off in shit but it was fun as shit to drive we used to have these jobs with you know we had paper routes from the time we were in third grade right up till ninth grade.
And then when we got our licenses, we just delivered bigger routes. And we drove around beating the shit out of our cars.
And that was the most fun car to drive because you could stack the backseat up with all the papers. And, dude, it was a Toyota.
And that's when Toyota was really competing with the American shit. And the only way that they were going to get it.
Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Dude, this is how fucked up my house is.

I just spilled water

and I was just like,

you know what?

On the hardwood floors.

I'm going to finish the podcast.

I'm almost done.

I got to take,

I can't believe this just happened.

And I'm thinking

that the fucking water

is going to be on the floor. It's just going to be a puddle.
This is what just happened. I just looked down at the floor.
I spilled a full glass of water. It's all gone.
It's not there anymore. Sorry, I'm putting the headphones back on.
The fuck out of here. The floor isn't even wet this is what happens and this is only one part of my house the house is settled so much my house is 94 years old this year it's settled so much that i swear to god the water rolled down the hill and the baseboard there's a space between the floorboards and the baseboard.

And it just rolled into the cracks.

It disappeared.

This can't be fucking happened.

Unfucking believable.

Well, I got it.

Now I'm wondering, where did that go?

Is the ceiling below now going to have all watermarks on it it i don't think that's enough water to do it dude i'm telling you i'm telling you right fucking now okay the next house i get is gonna be fucking if it's an old house it's gonna be we looked at one this weekend where it was we're just looking when it would bullshit you know what i mean um but just trying to see what's out there what the prices are and that type of shit. Dude, we looked at one this weekend.
We're just looking. We're bullshitting.
You know what I mean? But just trying to see what's out there. What the prices are and that type of shit.
Dude, we looked at one. It was turnkey.
That's what I want. And for all you people who never bought a house, that means the whole fucking thing has been redone.
I don't give a fuck that somebody's flipping it. I don't give a shit that they're trying to make fucking $500,000 in two months.
I don't care. the fact that they're going to make fucking 500 fucking thousand dollars in two months i don't care the fact that they're gonna strip it all the way down all the way down all the piping the sewer line right out to the fucking street everything's brand new that's the house i'm getting that's the house i'm getting and that's the house i'm dying in and when i die the fucking next person can deal with whatever bullshit i did to it i just spilled

a full glass of fucking water and it disappeared like a magic trick all right that's the podcast

go fuck yourselves up check in on you on uh on thursday go bruins Thank you. Thank you.