Yankees Bats, 'I'm A Brand', Blocking Roads | Monday Morning Podcast 3-31-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 31st, 2025.

What's going on? How are ya?

Oh my God, the month of March is almost over.

And then we move right into summer. I feel like within a week it's going to be 85, 90 fucking degrees out.
Might see one butterfly. We'll see.
Anyway, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight. Oh, is that one of the fucking dumbest songs ever written? I feel like that's all he says the whole song.
Because tonight, tonight, tonight.

Oh, gonna make it right.

Tonight, tonight.

Jesus Christ, Phil.

Were you just testing the limits of your popularity?

And I love Phil Collins.

Brand X.

Early 80s.

Right?

I don't care anymore.

That's the Phil Collins I like you know Bill we don't care the fucking guy you like March 31st tonight is opening night we are through previews had great shows all week everybody did the, it's really great. I'm really proud of it.
And I guess the critics came last week, which I didn't know, which is something I started doing. I was like, dude, I don't want to know who's in the crowd.
Tell me after. Because I don't want to be thinking about anything other than the person sitting across from me.
So that's been working out good for me. So tonight's the big, the whole big fucking to do the opening night, you know, the red carpet, put on your little fucking spiffy suit, you know, smile and wave, do the play.
And then there's an after party. And then after that, then we, we begin, uh, I guess the run.
I mean, I feel like we're already doing it, but it's pretty, it's pretty exciting. It's pretty exciting.
And I thought that with the two days, you know, when you got two, I thought that that was going to feel more like work, but it hasn't. It's just been fun.
I have really, I mean, it's just a killer play and everything that comes out of your mouth is fun to say. So it's been awesome.
So my lovely, beautiful wife is in town and we're going to go together and have a good time and all of that. So looking forward to it.
All right. Having said that, a little order of business here.
We only got a couple

hundred tickets left for the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. Literally 200 and changes left.
Thank you guys for getting the tickets. It's Sunday, May 18th at the New York City Center.
Who knows? You know, you go see the play on the 17th or on the 19th. You check out the Patrice O'Neill benefit.

We have a great lineup.

Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, the 17th or on the 19th you check out the uh the patrice o'neill benefit uh we have a great lineup rosebud baker greer barnes dc benny tim dillon neemish patel sean patton rich voss hosting um and myself and also you know we always try to get a uh a big comic special guest and uh as of two days ago, we have that person who will be unannounced surprise special guest also coming. It's going to be awesome.
All tickets are 75 bucks. They can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org slash Patrice 2025.
Or by going to my website website www.billburr.com um yeah and get your tickets and it's going to be a great show all right and with that and with that what we gonna talk about this week mate um i haven't been doing anything other than just fucking going to the gym going to the big gay gym and fucking going to my broadway play that's all i've been doing i haven't been smoking cigars i haven't had a fucking cigar i don't know mid-january and uh i was thinking you know instead of just doing 100 days, like my daughter tells me,

I was thinking like, you know what? I got a gig in Italy coming up in July. Maybe I'll go from

January to July. But then I was thinking like, but then I start back up again, then I have to

quit again. What if I just say, fuck it and just don't smoke cigars? How about I do that?

So that's kind of where I'm at. But I'm leaving it open.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I don't know.
Anyway, I know what I do. I'll have a few cigars in Italy, and then I'll tell my daughter, put me on another 100-day thing, you know? Because I can't break my...
You can't break your word with your kid. You know, if you say I'm doing this, you got to do it.
So, um, she's been helping me out. So anyway, yeah, that's going to be coming up before you know it.
So, um, yes, tonight will be the 25th time that we've done it in front of a crowd. And, uh, my thing is I run my lines.
I have like, I've recorded Michael, Bob and Kieran's lines. And I just walk around like a crazy person.
And I say it three times every day, even on my off. Oh, yes, I only said it once.
But I always make sure I say it every day so I don't forget how it goes. But anyways, let's get to some funny shit that I saw in the news.
Who's kidding who? On Instagram or whatever. So I saw this thing where Trump was going like, I'm already having people saying, please, please, please run for a third term.
I don't know. You know, we'll see.
It's like, dude, that's not legal. We found some loopholes.

That guy is the master of just manipulation of Machiavellianism.

A lot of people have told me.

What are you, walking down the fucking street?

Were you hanging out in a diner? You're the president of the United States.

Who the fuck's talking to you?

The people in your cabinet? Yeah, they want to hang out. Who the fuck is telling you that? Oh, that's right.
He's on Twitter. I forgot.
But anyway, and what fucking kills me, it's just like sports, like people who are right wing are like excited by this, this idea that he's slowly going to take this country while they're, you know, the right, always with the American flag, support the troops, freedom. And this guy is going to circumnavigate the rules, the constitution and all that.
And he's going to become a dictator, but they're going to love it because he's doing what he wants them to do, you know, which is make it great again. Make sure this country has the air quote natural order of things.
All that racist shit that is underneath that party's line. And, you know, it's so fucking overt.
Like, they're literally knocking down George Floyd fucking murals. Or it's not the Gulf of Mexico anymore.
It's the Gulf of America acting like that's patriotic and not anti-Mexican. That's so funny to me.
It's now called this. Like, that is the arrogance of my people.
Whitey, we just rename shit and we think once we rename it, that's the name of it. Like, everyone in Mexico is like, oh, shit, I guess we got to call it the Gulf of America.
God damn it. No, we have to.
Trump has a map in the White House that says it. You know, would we give a shit if they fucking changed the name of fucking Arizona to something else and then they had a map of it and therefore we wouldn't, right? Well, there you go.
I learned that when I was over in Abu Dhabi. When I say Abu, you say Dhabi.
I was over there and I said, oh yeah, you know,

I went for a swim in the Persian Gulf. And they all yelled, it's not the Persian.
You know,

we don't call it that. I forget.
I can't remember what they called the Arabian Sea or some shit.

I don't know what they called it, but I just laughed. I go, you know, that's what my people

do. We come, we find shit that already has a fucking name, and then we fucking rename it.
But Trump is a genius. Like, no one is saying he should do this.
So now he's just going to say that people are, and then you know what they're going to do? They're going to start saying it. Because people, there's enough mouth-breathing morons that God makes.
you makes the mouth-breathing morons to listen to the sociopaths so the normal people suffer and God can be entertained. I am convinced that's how the math works.
Other than that, he wouldn't be doing it. I told you that conversation I had with that person.
I was just like, I don't understand. Why does God make sociopaths? Why does he make pedophiles? Well, then the religious part.
Well, why does he make nice, empathetic people? You know what I'm saying? I'm like, no, I don't. Why doesn't he just make that? Well, there's things that we just, as humans, we're going to learn after we die.
Okay. You want to write that down and then just look at it and then actually say it to me again with a straight face? Is that what the fuck you want to do? I remember when the Red Sox won the World Series for the first time in 2004.
And on ESPN, they just kept saying, I'll tell you, those fans up in Boston, if they win this World Series, they're not going to know what to do with themselves.

They're not going to know what to do.

They just kept saying we weren't going to know what to do.

And then sure enough, we win it and they cut to people and there was guys going, I don't know what to do. so that little slice of idiocy and manipulation by ESPN can also be used by a president.
And it's fucking fascinating. A lot of people are already.
It's fucking March. You just got there.
They're not excited about what you're doing right now. They're already talking.
They're already saying. Try it in your life.
It works for these people. You know, why should everyone else just sit around letting everybody else have all the fun? Why don't you do it? Whatever the fuck you want.
You know, your words are your wand, as they say in those self-help books.

It's really fucking hilarious.

It's like all of these fucking Yankee fans defending this stupid bat that they came up with.

Going like, this is baseball, you know, you find the parameters of the rules and you exploit something.

That's baseball. That's what people have always done.

Right. And then what? That's what the fucking Mets were doing.
Those fucking cheating ass pieces of shit. Oh, my God.
Do the Yankees need any more of an advantage? You already play in a fucking wiffle ball park. Like that fucking Yankee Stadium from day one, the original one, they built it around Babe Ruth.
You got to look at that first little fence that they had. They had a fence out in fucking right field that, dude, if you backed up, you'd hit it with the back of your knees and fall into the first row.
That's what the first one looked like. The house that Ruth built.
They should have said the house built for Ruth. So now they got this thing set up, you know, where these guys are just going to put up fucking crazy numbers because they played half their games there.
Because I always feel like, you know, OK, it's a hitter's ballpark. It's like, well, then that's going to be a disadvantage for your pitcher.
So I don't think that as a home team, you know, if it's an easy place to hit home it's going to be an easy place for your uh for your pitchers to give up home runs so I feel like that's a wash but if you guys are going to go up there why don't you just go up there with those fucking big red bats that you used to get when you first learned how to hit remember that that fucking Fred Flintstone bat why Why don't you do that?

Dude, that's what's funny.

Like, did the Yankees need any more of an advantage?

Until the Dodgers came along,

they were always spending the most amount of money.

I mean, if I was a Dodger fan,

I would take the Yankees' bats as the ultimate tip of the cap.

That they have to go up there and just basically, they have to, I mean, it's becoming golf. Like in golf, so many non-athletes play that every year they got to fucking come out with a new ball.
Like how big, big Bertha. Like, can you hit it now, you fucking dentist? I don't know.

And just always, as a Patriots fan,

watching them weigh footballs

and that got our guys suspended for six fucking games

even after we beat them in court

to then just see this shit coming along.

Ah, that first Astros championship.

It was complicated.

Was it? Well, that was complicated.

Okay.

Um,

anyway,

it is what it is.

It's sports,

right?

It's fucking marketing.

I don't know.

A lot of people are saying,

a lot of people say,

and they wish they had bats like this.

I don't know.

You know,

all the other teams are saying that these bats, it's fine for us to use them and they have no interest of using bats like this themselves. Torpedo bats.
I mean, you're fucking Aaron Judge. You're eight feet tall.
You're built like Paul Bunyan. Do you also need a torpedo bat in an easy to hit a home run for a major league ballpark? Like he hit 50 fucking home runs.
He plays in a wiffle ballpark. I hope you appreciate what you're watching.
Do you know, for the longest time, from what I heard, in track, the reason why track and field, everybody is on drugs and everything is because what keeps that sport going is records and records being broken. And human beings simply cannot evolve fast enough for the way we live to wait i don't know for whatever record to be broken so they let these people do drugs or they look the other way or they're always 10 paces behind the records get broken all the shit happens we sit down and watch it and then afterwards they're like oh yeah the way, he was cheating.
I'm kind of feeling like all sports are like that now. Like you can't convince me that the Kansas City Chiefs were not helped along into that fucking dynasty.
Oh my God, the Patriots are over. What are we going to do now? Fuck.
Every league does it. Celtics and Lakers are over.
What are we going to do? Oh, good. We have Jordan.
Jordan's over. What are we going to do? Oh, good.
We have, well, let's get, let's get the pile on Lakers going. Let's let every fucking person join the fucking Lakers and then they will be a dynasty.
I mean, come on, the holding on that last drive of the 49ers and that pass interference call against the Eagles, the fucking Eagles should have three Super Bowls, not the Chiefs under Patrick Mahomes. I'm just saying.
You know what I'm doing right now, people? I'm just stirring up the pot. How about Stephen A.
Smith milking that fucking LeBron James thing? Can he do that any fucking longer? If he put his hands on me, I would have started swinging. It's like, Stephen, you wouldn't have.
You would have gone right down to the ground, just like I would have, just like anybody would have. The guy's six foot, he's a six foot 10 defensive lineman.
If that guy punched you, if he slapped you in the head, you would have had to learn how to read again. That is the one funny thing about being a guy is that not only do you have to act like you're steven sagal oh that's probably a bad example you're you're like i don't know one of these action heroes that hasn't been exposed yeah you're like you're like commando like you're somehow navy seal adjacent just oh man if that happened oh i would have they would have had at least three guys pulling me off of him if he fucking disrespected my fucking what the reality is most of us are just going to sit there and take it or if we do throw a punch it's going to be going a third of the speed that we think it is, and we're going to get knocked out.
There's a reason why most men push comes to shove, don't throw a punch. It's because we know we're going to lose.
And we learned that early on in life. I mean, that's a funny thing.
You know, if you're, you know, if one of these Instagram people, we did this massive study in our lab. That's becoming more and more prevalent.
I'll get to that in a minute. But, like, why, like, a man has to fucking act like he's going to do something.
Steven, there's literally nothing that you could have done. Okay? And it's all right.
You're literally going up against a superhero, and you're just a sportscaster. No one's winning that fight.
It has to be another fucking NBA player or one of these fucking MMA superhero guys. They could win that fight.
They could take him down to the ground and somehow, you know, I don't know what. But you're not going to do it and it's okay.
You don't have to fucking, there was no reason to say that. That makes all of us feel bad because it reminds us of when we said that shit.
Oh, man. They're lucky.
They're lucky that's my favorite Applebee's. Oh, Jesus Christ.
That fucking sizzle plate would have been flying because you know me. Dude, you know me.
I don't give a fuck.

You do give a fuck.

You go to Applebee's,

you had your napkin tucked in under your chin.

You gave a fuck about your fucking shirt.

If you give a shit about your shirt,

you definitely give a shit about not

getting the shit kicked out of you

or, you know, getting arrested for assault.

You know who really doesn't give a fuck? Everybody who's in jail. That's where not giving a fuck, that's where the people who truly don't give a fuck live.
They live in jail. If you're walking around in society, unless you haven't been arrested yet,

because there are those people,

but generally speaking, you give a fuck.

You follow the rules.

You think about the ramifications.

How funny is it, and I'm just thinking of it,

that these guys put on suits to talk about sports. I want to sit, I just want to stop right now and talk about the absolutely horrible transition defense that I, why are you wearing suit? Why do you want to take this time to talk about that? I don't know.
The older I get, the older I get, the less I fucking understand. Anything other than just sitting down and watching the fucking game.
And then it's over. It's fucking over.
I don't need to listen to people's comments, their takes, their hot take, their medium warm take, their fucking room temperature take. I don't need to listen to people's comments their takes their hot take their medium warm take their fucking room temperature take i don't need to hear it although i do it on my podcasts right but you know why i do it people people are already telling me bill i want to hear your hot take on that cold story you know people are people are already saying it.
They're saying, I hope I do it for a third podcast. There is power in doing that.
I've seen people in my business do that. Like whatever their brand, whatever their brand is.
I hate how like they just, somebody fucking came up with that,

with performers,

and then hacky performers embraced it

and started actually openly talking about their brand,

and now everybody tries to put that on you.

You know what I mean?

Like you're sitting in a boardroom

before you write a joke,

going, hmm, okay.

I think we can all agree that that's a funny joke,

but does that align with my brand? I'm a brand. Oh yeah, you're making cookies? You like Nabisco? Is that what you're doing? What are you doing? What are you doing, sweetheart? What is your brand? I'm an influencer.
I influence people. when I do stuff, it makes other people want to do the same stuff.
And then whatever stuff I'm using to do the stuff that I'm doing, they give me free stuff to do more stuff. And then I make fucking money.
Then I get my fucking pussy waxed. And I fucking wear an even shorter dress dress.
Oh my God, you guys. I found the cutest fucking whore dress.
You pair this with these cunt pumps and I'm telling you, you're going to be the biggest skank walking down the fucking street. And there's a power in that.
I like when a guy calls me a skank. I say thank you.
Guys, it's time to normalize being a skank. Sorry.
Sorry, I'm sitting in my hot corporate apartment. And by hot, I don't mean amazing.
I'll tell you, it's one of the saddest things ever is watching fucking videos of apartments in New York cities, cities, New York city, where they go like, and look at this absolutely spacious living room. You could get a couch and a table in there.
You look at the fuck. And then what I always love is everybody who doesn't live in New York City is just looking at it going like, is this a fucking joke? You're paying seven grand a fucking month for that fucking shithole? And as much as most New Yorkers don't want to admit it, they're right.
People that don't live here are right. It is fucking outrageously expensive to live in this shit hole.
Now, I guess if you're part of the fucking 2% that comes here, you know, and can hit like the high notes and shatter glass, and then you can get that Mariah Carey duplex with the fucking lap pool in it, you know? If you're singing about butterflies, what was that song? All of that shit. You have a whole fucking catalog of that.
you can actually you can actually get like an apartment that has room for adult sized furniture other than that if you're a warlord you know if you're a corporate raider if you're a politician and you're getting all the insider trading and you can't get fucking did, then you can actually afford a true one bedroom.

You know what a true one bedroom is in New York City?

It's a four bedroom.

Like wherever you're living in the world, whatever the size of a one bedroom apartment is in New York City, that would be a four bedroom and it would be like fucking, you know, 10 grand a month. Anyway, so I went out and I bought this fucking espresso machine.
And I fucking upgraded for what I have out in L in LA. I forget what the name of the one that I have in LA is.
So I got this, uh, what do you call it? Let me look at it right now. La Marzocco handmade Italian one.
And I got to tell you something, man, at first I was struggling with the thing but I got it fucking dialed in now and when I steam the milk like the one that I have at at in LA that one when I steamed the milk I mean I'm standing there for like a minute which I didn't give a shit about I was just excited that I could make myself a cappuccino or a latte

in my own house, you know?

But now I got this thing, the La Marzocco.

Oh, my God.

You think Italians can make cars?

You think they can make fucking motorcycles?

You think that they can fucking cook?

You're 100% right. You know what else they can do? They can make the fucking best espresso machine I've ever used.
Dude, this thing steams the milk in like fucking 11 seconds and it's fucking amazing and then you can, the latte art is a joke. That's where I am in my life right now.
I go on the elliptical every day. I throw around the weights.
I don't use heavy weights, you know? Like if the barbell, not the dumbbells, the weights, if they're not painted like purple or pink, I don't pick them up. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. You know what I mean? But I just do, I just do, I just use the dumbbells.

You know, I don't go over to, I don't go ego anymore.

I don't go over to the fucking, the weight bench.

I don't squat with fucking 45s on both sides. I'm not, you know, to warm up.

Fuck all of that.

I stretch.

I pick up the get in shape girl.

Fucking weights.

I stretch some more. I get my steps in.
That's it. And then I try to eat smart.
Yeah, that's what it is. I felt like that Ellen DeGeneres.
I'm a strong woman. I felt like I was going to say that in the end.
I stretch. I get an elliptical.

I do a little dumbbell work.

I'm a strong woman.

Minute long standing ovation.

All right.

What else?

Did I want to talk about anything else before I get into it?

No, I don't.

Torpedo bats in the New York Yankees. Are you going to create a special ball for the opposing team to throw to your torpedo bats? I mean, that is fucking ridiculous.
As a Patriots fan, the fucking shit we got for a cunt hair lighter football when the Colts had the exact same number of underinflated ball and I just, I see this shit and they're like, well, you know, you know, there's no rules saying you can't do it. Yeah, and Belichick does it.
He's a fucking one of the worst things I fucking saw was this douche was interviewing this guy who played on the Steelers and then he went to the Patriots and he wanted to hate Tom Brady and he ended up liking him. And in the end, he goes, were the Patriots cheating? And the guy's like, hell yeah, they were cheating.
And then that was the end of the investigation. He didn't go, well, weren't the Steelers also cheating? Those fucking cheating ass people.
Da-da-da-da-da-da. That doesn't fit the narrative.
Steelers aren't winning anything, so we don't need to fucking ask about them. Jesus Christ.
Even Terry Bradshaw goes, the whole fucking team was on steroids, including me. Zip.

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Open Phone, no missed calls, no missed customers. Oh, speaking of chances are sad news.
Johnny Mathis announced that he was stopping touring due to some memory issues or whatever, and I feel so blessed that I got to see him in January. He absolutely killed it.
Was a total pro. Was an amazing thing.
What a career. He's been writing and singing hits since the 1950s.
Incredible. It was sad to see that, man.
Fucking life, bro. It's brutal.
It's brutal. All right.
Anyway, disruptive protests. Your analysis of the protesters that were blocking streets was some of the dumbest commentary I've heard in a while.
Well, that's saying something. All right.
So to get people caught up, there was this thing where I almost think it was staged. There was these like five vegans sitting in the street and they had blocked the street with some sort of trailer causing this traffic jam to raise awareness about climate change.

So this cop goes fucking total dukes of hazard, drives in,

and he fucking plows into the thing.

And they're like, what the fuck?

Yeah, they're not armed.

They weigh like 200 pounds collectively.

And he gets out with either a taser or a gun.

Get out of the fucking ground.

The whole thing was stupid. The protesters were stupid.
I mean, that was my opinion. And then also the comments were stupid because people don't like liberal people.
If you're conservative, they like the show of force by the cops. And it's just like glorifying this guy, overreacting and escalating the situation is all good when it's pointed at people you don't like.

But eventually that comes around and bites you in the ass. So anyway, that was my take.
Evidently, that was a stupid fucking take. I also thought that to bring awareness to what you want people to care about, the last thing you should do is make them late for work, blocking the road is stupid that somebody could be on their way to kidney dialysis somebody could be having complications during a pregnancy somebody you know you're late one more time you're gonna lose your job ah fuck i got four kids and then you sit in the fucking road during the middle of a work week because evidently you don't fucking job, right? So evidently that was some of the dumbest commentary ever.
Anyway, so this person says, if they're not blocking streets or doing something equally disruptive, no one is listening to them. What are you talking about? There's plenty of stuff out there about climate change um so basically if i want people to go see my next stand-up tour what i should do is infuriate people should i lay in the street and just try you know or should i block the lincoln tunnel and then people will be talking about my tour and that's going to make them want to come see me.
It's going to make them say like, fuck this guy. I'm never going to watch any of his, anything he puts out.
I'm never going to go to one of his tours. Anyway, your reaction is the same as people reacting to people sitting in on lunch counters during the civil rights movement.
Oh, is that the same thing?

Black people sitting at a lunch counter that they said they can't sit at

is the same as blocking a road

because you don't like climate change?

You want to do something about climate change?

I don't see...

I'm not going to say that's the dumbest example

you could have used.

Protests are going to be disrupted and they're going to inconvenience people. That's the fucking point, you imbecile.
All right. Right there in your last statement.
While you're calling me an imbecile, I realize how fucking dumb you are. Okay.
Don't you want me to hear your point? Don't you want me to understand it? Don't you want me to receive

this information? This is everyone on the internet. Like before, before that point is like,

hey, fuckhead. Maybe if you're like, who's listening past? Hey, fuckhead.
All right. So that's the point.
So you're telling me that them blocking the street and me watching that video, or not me specifically, somebody watched that and they were like, you know, I didn't care about

global warming. I didn't care about the environment.
But now that they sat in the street and stop those people from going to work. God damn it.
I care. Yeah, I guess I am a fucking imbecile

because I don't, I don't, like,

I understand that protests are supposed to be disruptive i get sitting in a lunch counter sitting where they say you can't sit i don't understand if you're against climate change that you then prevent a bunch of people who aren't the reason for climate change. You know, why didn't you block the entryway to a giant corporation, an oil company, or something like that? Why would you just block a road where regular people are going to pick their kids up from school and something could be time sensitive? I would think that that would just bring people, it would just make them angry and say, fuck you and talk the way this guy talked to me at the end of it.
I just think a protest should be disruptive, but it has to be disruptive in a way that makes people receptive to the situation you're trying to shine a light on. So watching black people not being allowed to sit in a lunch counter and when they do, and then getting beaten while they don't fight back, that makes me, you know, as a human being, the human being have empathy.
You sitting in the road and, you know, making somebody on the way to a pharmacy late or whatever, and then making the leap to climate change is beyond me. Okay, well, they're driving cars.
That's bad for the climate. They're playing the game that is set up for them, that they're powerless in.
You're stopping the cogs in the wheel. You're not stopping the fucking wheel.
Why don't you go to where these fucking, you know, CEOs of these oil companies or whatever you think is actually causing the climate change, why don't you go do that at Apple? That, you know, makes us throw out these fucking devices every two years because they don't make the new ones, you know, they have the new upgrades and you got to throw all the charges and all that shit out and they just play, they pay a fee every year for polluting the environment. Why wouldn't you block the entryway to that? That I could get behind.
I'd be behind that in any, that would be disruptive. But you know, I'm a fucking imbecile.
All right. protesters and me.
Dear Billy Both Sides,

you talk a lot about both sides, about not wanting the left or right. Cable news, not subscribing to one side without listening to the other.
You inspired me to take some action today. Oh my God, I thought I was going to get fucking shit on again.
My local grocery store is right next to a Planned Parenthood location. This already sounds like a great joke.
This is a great setup for a joke. I don't know where you're going.
Okay, a grocery store, Planned Parenthood. This should be like a stand-up class.
All right, find the joke. I feel like Mark Norman could do one right off the top of his head here.
I walk to the grocery... Oh, he does that too at the end of his act.
I walked to the grocery store a lot. I often see people protesting outside the Planned Parenthood office and volunteers defending Planned Parenthood location and defending people who enter and leave.
Today, I went to the grocery store and there was just one dude praying outside, as they do, thinking about stuff you said and about just talking to people i stood next to him until he finished his prayer he finished looked at me i introduced myself i took him right off the bat i'm pro-choice but i'm not trying to change his mind i just want want to hear what he thinks. Oh my God, dude.
Did you actually have a nice, relaxed conversation with another human being? That's nice. He was holding a pro-life sign, a rosary, and praying the Our Father.
He told me a life is a life, whether it's 100 years old or 100 seconds old, and he wants all lives to live. He asked why I was pro-choice, and I told him, I know a woman who got raped in college, got pregnant, and had an abortion.
In my personal opinion, she deserves to not have that baby, to not live with a lifelong human memory of a terrible traumatic event. He told me the Catholic Church has some program to help women like that.
I thanked him for his time and his opinion. We shook hands and walked away and he kept praying.
Oh my God, like, yeah, why can't we do this? I know that he and I are not going to change. I think that's fine, but at least two human beings who disagree about something important got to chat with each other and hear the other person.
Yeah, neither one of you called the other a fucking imbecile. Just two dudes talking on the street.
My intention was not to change his mind, just to hear his mind. And I achieved that.
Go fuck yourself. Dude, I gotta be honest with you.
In that moment, the two of you were higher beings compared to the rest of us.

And I include myself in the us.

Look at me.

I'm reacting to the fucking bats the Yankees have.

I mean, I'm a fucking idiot.

Imbecile.

Sorry.

Let's use the right fucking word here.

That's great.

That's really great.

I'm glad you shared that story. We need to have more of that.
We need to just stop doing this bunch of fucking trans, libtard, motherfucker, you know, what the fuck? What are the liberals? You know, you fucking redneck, fucking your sister, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah, we should try to get more on the same page.
If we truly love this country, we would not, we would not be doing that. We would not be giving into these billion, it doesn't make any sense that if you were a billionaire, if a country you were in made you a billionaire, that you would be upset with that country.
Does that make any sense? Why are they trying to make you mad about this system that is so working for them? They're obviously fucking up to something. All right.
But if we as citizens, regardless of where we sit, and I don't think people sit on the left and the right i feel like it is a spectrum just like anything like addiction yeah you can see in my new act on fucking uh my new special drop dead years on hulu i talk about how i found addiction you know when i was growing up they were like either you are an addict or you're not. And what I have found through my own personal experimenting with fucking booze is I am not an alcoholic, but I am way closer to an alcoholic than not being one.
And I didn't have to go to meetings or anything like that. And I didn't relate to full on alcoholics, but I sit in absolute, dare I say, wonderment in somebody who can sit down and have one scotch or can pair some wine with food like my wife can.
And I'm envious, I'm jealous. I'm like, fuck, I wish I could do that.
Because that adds to the, whatever, the culinary experience. But me, I would be like, I'm going to finish that bottle.
And I'm going to fucking, you know, I'm going to start talking. And I'm going to talk some more.
And then I'm going to upset people. And then I'm going to not give a fuck and act like they're overreacting.
And then I'm going to wake up the next morning and the first thing I'm going to say is, oh, no. And I got to go on the apology tour.
So anyway, I think that's fucking great. And whatever, maybe me and that first guy who called me a fucking imbecile, we could sit down and actually talk about what we feel protesting is.
I thought I was balanced when I talked about that protest. I was shitting on the protesters, then I shit on the cop.
I thought the cop overstepped his bounds and I thought the protesters, the way they were protesting, was not an effective way to go about it. But, you know, that's what fucking imbeciles do.
Imbecile is a funny word. Bill asked, Bill asked for pilots to write in.
Here's my story. What's up, you baldy red onion colored cuntaroo.
You baldy red onion colored cuntaroo. You recently asked for more fixed wind pilots to write in and share our experiences.
Oh, cool. I'm a single engine land fixed wing pilot, commercial license, music video editor based out of Los Angeles.
I fly a Cessna 182, but learned in a small Cessna 150 from the early 70s. Oh, that's cool.
It had a cherry red livery, I don't know what that is, that wouldn't, that would have made your mid-50s dicks hard. I learned to fly on the border of Tennessee and Kentucky during the pandemic, the ultimate form of social distancing.
In fact, every day I learned I'd be flying over three different states. That's amazing.
I went balls to the wall on my training, got my private pilot's license in four months. Yeah, you went full-time, just over 60 hours.
The most stressed I ever was on the night before my, was the night before my check ride.

I passed my oral, shout out Patrick Swayze there,

but had to postpone the flight portion because of high winds.

Cue another night of ulcer-inducing lack of sleep.

I really feel like the written is always the hardest,

or the oral part of it is the hardest. Then you just kind of go out and fly.
And then also, you know, I think if young pilots in training, like learn, student pilots learn that a license is a license to continue learning. It doesn't mean you know everything about aviation like you haven't.
It's like you got to be, it's the beginning of this whole long journey. And like, you know, my instructor Randy that I fly with, he is constantly reading all the new stuff and learning new things.
You really have to be curious and inquisitive type of person. Anyway, the next day I go for my check ride.
Everything's going fine. This is making me nervous.
I go in for my final landing and while on final, a damn Gulfstream decides to take off in the opposite direction on the single runway. The training kicked in

and I deviated immediately

and went around

while avoiding wake turbulence.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean?

Was it an uncontrolled airport?

That this guy,

like you were making your calls, you were coming in in and the guy just fucking pulled out holy shit the training okay i went around you avoid the weight turbulence good move at that moment a single dark cloud appears and starts pouring on top of me i ended up landing in the pouring rain taxing back knowing full well i had failed why but the minute i turned off master and mags the cfi looks at me and says congratulations you're a pilot oh dude i remember that moment he goes i've won awards for some film and music video work, but that moment was the best feeling I ever had. Oh, my God.
I remember. That's the fucking...
That's fucking awesome, dude. We got back to the FBO and raised hell.
I never knew what those fucking abbreviations mean. Turns out the Gulfstream didn't pay attention to the used runway of that day.
And because of this, now the airport is now a towered Class D airport. Oh, so it was uncontrolled.
Wow, that's terrifying. That's my story.
I love aviation and I love your work. I wish I could see Glengarry as you and the rest of the cast are my favorite in the biz, but I can't seem to find a ticket below 400.
I'm sorry, dude. I have no control over that secondary market, man.
It's like, it's like, sorry. That whole scalping market is now legal.
it's like, sorry, that, that whole scalping market is like now like legal. It's unreal.
It says, if I'm wrong, point me in the right direction. Love to you and your family.
The ginger chalupa supreme. Oh, dude, what a great story.
That took me, I remember I did my hover auto and I immediately pulled up on the collective and I'd been doing so good and I fucking landed. I almost rolled the, I mean, I didn't almost roll it, but I could have the way I landed.
And hover auto is basically what it sounds like. You're in a hover and the check ride guy, whatever you call him, he fucking chops throttle and it's pedal, settle, and then you pull the collective.
They're actually really fun to do, but it's like three moves and they're all kind of done one right after the other. your instinct in a helicopter if it's suddenly going down is to yank the collective to make it go up and what that does is it takes all the inertia you had left in your your main rotor because it turns the the rotors to get a bite into the wind and it slows it down and you just you just slam sorry about that you slam ground.
And he looks at me, he goes, now why would you do that? And that said in my head, like, fuck, I was gonna pass and I just blew it. But my instructor says, if you mess something up you can ask to do it again.
So I asked him to do it again and he said, yeah. And I just said, all right, you know, pedal settle, whatever, and then the next time I set it down like a fucking daisy.
And then we were done. And I remember that that part was at.
Where the fuck were we were in Torrance? So then we were flying back to Long Beach and we were just talking. And I was talking to him and he was this legendary pilot who had like 17,000 hours in an R22.
And he told me that every time he lands, he would auto rotate in. And I was like, oh, that's amazing.
So like, you just know how to, you know, you're always like up on it. That must be great so you're not even nervous.
And then he told me this story about losing his tail rotor. And there's a way like, you know, you just, you fly, if you're flying fast enough somehow with whatever he was flying, you can compensate for not having, I don't, it's beyond me how the fuck he did it.
But then like when he was coming in, he had to chop throttle and all of that and do a fucking auto to come in. And he was like, no, it was like a really nauseating feeling.
And I said, how many hours did you have when it happened? And he was telling me, you know, he had like 8,000, 12,000, some crazy amount. So I was just like, yeah, I guess dying, the thought of dying is always fucking scary.
So anyway, so we came all the way back and I landed. And I remember I was going to France the next day.
I was doing this European run of dates. Or maybe I was just going there with Nia.
We were taking a vacation. It was before we had kids.
Life was easy, you know? And I was thinking, why did I do that?

I was already thinking, like, well, if I didn't pass,

don't bring this disappointment onto the flight, you know?

Whatever.

Who gives a shit?

You'll pass it eventually, whatever.

And I remember we landed, and then he, I forget,

he signed something, whatever the hell it is,

and he told me that I passed, and I couldn't fucking believe it. I thought I blew it on that little hover auto.
And I got back and what was funny was all my instructors that had taught me, all of them were out flying. So there was nobody there.
And I was trying to wait to tell them because they were like, hang around, hang around. It was really sort of anticlimactic.
And then I just walked out of there by myself, but I still, you know, because I wanted to get the high fives from those guys. Oh my God, dude, they were fucking hilarious.
Like they were great pilots and they were fucking hilarious. I remember the first time when I was going to do my cross country solo,, which cross-country means you just fly 20 nautical miles and land somewhere else and then come back so you can log it as a cross-country flight.
And it was a three-hour total. So I'd already soloed up to El Monte and back, and that was only 45 minutes, and that was nerve-wracking enough.
But now I was going to a controlled airport in Riverside and then flying to French Valley, which was uncontrolled.

And then I was flying back to Long Beach, and I had to put three hours on the Hobbs meter.

And if I didn't, that's like the odometer, three hours of time on the Hobbs meter.

If I came back in any time less than that, it wouldn't count, and I would have to do it again. So I'm fucking terrified.
And I'm sitting there looking over my whole flight plan and everything. And this instructor, Jordan, I remember he came in, and he sat down next to me.
And he just looked over at me and I looked at him and he just went and made this face and kind of like cocked his head like, here we go. And I just bursted out laughing.
And it was the exact kind of thing that I needed to kind of. Oh, then I remember when I went to.
To take off, I closed the door and it was super hot. It was the summertime and I was pouring sweat profusely.
And I just, you know, it was a Robinson, so I didn't have any air conditioning, nothing, you know? So I just wanted to get going forward so I could get some wind in my face. So like when I went to lift off, I just yanked the collective and I went straight up in the fucking air.

And I had like a Bronco.

I'm like moving the cyclic in the collective,

trying to like, I went like,

oh, it was so fucking embarrassing.

And I was like, all right, just fucking relax.

Get your shit together.

And then everything after that was smooth.

But I don't know. Those are my aviation stories of my little fuck-ups.
All right, let me see. How much time have I done here? Oh my God, I'm over an hour.
Okay. All right, that's it.
I'm going to, I got to get on with my day because I got open a night tonight. Thank you to everybody that's come out to the play.
Thank you to everybody that's been watching my special, which is streaming now on Hulu, Drop Dead Years.

Thank you to Ben Tischler

for doing an amazing job directing and editing

and all of that.

Thank you to Hulu, been just promoting.

I've never gotten promotion on a special like this,

the way that these guys are going all out.

And people are sending me pictures

of seeing like advertisement

for it all over,

all over the place.

So I'm really happy

to have a special over on Hulu.

And they got a killer lineup

of comedians coming up

that have specials.

So definitely check them out.

And all right, that's it.

That's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves

and I'll check in on you on Thursday.