The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 1 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu. 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd.
Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 1 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in.

Speaker 1 I had an interesting morning. I was on the view.
this morning. The view.

Speaker 1 And you know what's hilarious? As I told my lovely lovely wife,

Speaker 1 I put the fan on, it's fucking hot as shit in here.

Speaker 1 I told my wife that I was going to be

Speaker 1 the lovely Nia.

Speaker 1 She goes, what are you doing tomorrow? And I was like, I got to do the view. She goes, what? She goes, who the fuck put you on that?

Speaker 1 I go, what are you talking about? She goes, all the dumb shit you've said about women. What the fuck are you going on?

Speaker 1 We both just started laughing. I go, I don't know.
I think it's going to be all right or whatever. And I went in in and it was great.

Speaker 1 I had a great time. And

Speaker 1 I got to tell you a funny Joy Behar story

Speaker 1 that I never told.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make it vague. Because I don't want to get, you know, I don't want to say the whole thing.
But one time,

Speaker 1 whatever, our paths crossed, right?

Speaker 1 I'm talking to her. She's cool as shit, right? And there was some other comedian there, you know, and for whatever reason, he started like trying to pick on her or whatever.

Speaker 1 And uh, and the dude was a really funny dude, and he started picking on her in the effortless way

Speaker 1 that she like trashed this dude.

Speaker 1 It was what's that martial arts style, like aikido, you know, where you use their energy, they come flying at you like they're gonna kick your ass, and all of a sudden you send them flying across the room.

Speaker 1 It was just me, her, and this other comedian, and she just mopped

Speaker 1 the the floor with him. And, like,

Speaker 1 I don't think her heartbeat went up even like half a beat per minute. Like, it was, it was fucking

Speaker 1 effortless. And I was like, holy shit.
And then I thought about it. I'm thinking, like, well, when she came up,

Speaker 1 you know, as much as females comics talk about now how hard it is for a female, when she came up, like, I mean, it was like ridiculous.

Speaker 1 So, like, the level of tough that you had to be, I don't think that this comedian understood, like, what what she had already, like that he was nothing

Speaker 1 to her. And anyway, I brought it up to her during the break today

Speaker 1 and I got to give her a hug and thank her for the free comedy show. It's one of was what one of my

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 just one of those moments I won't forget where it's where like

Speaker 1 like wow, it's so cool to be in this business that I was in this room when that happened. Um oh my god, she fucking destroyed that guy,

Speaker 1 top to bottom, destroyed the guy, and then the dude left

Speaker 1 and then he came back in. And I remember she just goes, she just looks, you know, she was talking to me, and he comes in, and then she just barely glances at him.
She just goes, Where'd you go?

Speaker 1 And he goes,

Speaker 1 You know, I went outside to have a cigarette. She just looks at him, she goes, You smoke too

Speaker 1 after she had just eviscerated everything that he was doing

Speaker 1 and just, oh, it was, it was a fucking work of art.

Speaker 1 I've told so many comedians the detailed story of that. So that's what you get on this podcast, all right? You ain't in the locker room, so I ain't naming names, but it was

Speaker 1 amazing. So it was cool to go back on there.
And

Speaker 1 I don't know. There you go.
There you go. I'm doing, I'm playing the game, man.
I'm promoting Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, which, by the way, this is

Speaker 1 our first sort of full week here. We did two shows yesterday.

Speaker 1 We have matinees on Wednesdays and we have matinees on Saturdays. And I got to tell you, man, it's, I was thinking, oh, two shows, that's going to be a lot of work.
It's just sort of like

Speaker 1 fun times, too. So then you do like the matinee.
And I get like, I was like amped up to do the matinee.

Speaker 1 you know, because everybody, oh, it's a matinee crowd and, you know, there's going to be a lot of blue hairs out there. Fuck that.
Fuck that.

Speaker 1 Maybe they wanted to go at night and they couldn't because of their flight or maybe they fucking, I don't know, maybe they couldn't get tickets. Let's kick the shit out of them.

Speaker 1 At two in the afternoon on a Wednesday.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, guys were going up, trying out like different ways of doing lines,

Speaker 1 which really keeps it

Speaker 1 exciting every night. And last night on the second show,

Speaker 1 Kieran did this line to me and he legit made me laugh. And I was trying so hard to like hold it together.
And I looked at Bob and he had this smirk on his face and

Speaker 1 I almost broke, which would have been, I don't know what I would have done because my character is supposed to be pretty heated there. But like the shit that we're saying to each other

Speaker 1 is just so fucking

Speaker 1 horribly disrespectful that it's like, you know, it's also like funny. It's what I've been trying to explain to people.
It's like,

Speaker 1 you know, a lot of the shit that we say, like, if somebody actually said it to you, you would be offended. But to watch somebody say it to somebody else is like really,

Speaker 1 it's really funny. So

Speaker 1 anyway, we're cruising right along. And the crowds have been

Speaker 1 great. I did want to do stand-up last night, but I went to go jump on the subway.
Kind of fucking annoyed me. I went down the stairs and these people were coming up and they don't say anything to me.

Speaker 1 And I go all the way down the stairs and the fucking

Speaker 1 the turnstiles had like the police tape on it like they weren't using it. It's like you could have fucking said something, you cunts.

Speaker 1 And I go down there and then it smelled horrifically, horrifically of fucking urine.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, that fucking Bloomberg man, he fucked this city up so goddamn bad with this bullshit where like taking a cab now, it's slower than walking. He completely eviscerated Broadway.

Speaker 1 He stuck fucking tables and chairs in the middle of the fucking street.

Speaker 1 And I was walking through Times Square and there was this fucking guy sitting there, like

Speaker 1 drug addict, homeless, or whatever. He was picking a scab to the left of his navel and whatever he was picking off his fucking exposed belly, he was wiping on the table.

Speaker 1 I think Bloomberg's heart was in the right place, but it's like, dude, you can't completely abandon the public educational system, let our food supply be turned into poison,

Speaker 1 and give us these stupid iPhones and think that you're just, and then simultaneously, you're just going to throw tables and chairs in the street, and it's going to become Paris. It's not how it works.

Speaker 1 All right? We're fucking animals. You got to bring us inside first and get us house trained before you try to, you know, recreate as they do on Instagram.

Speaker 1 You ever see that when the Americans try to recreate the cafe experience? in America? You ever see those things? It's fucking hilarious because,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 even like a lot of big cities like there's not a lot of good like sitting out on the sidewalk and watching people go by that's why i kind of like you know the parks and stuff you know um

Speaker 1 you get like a nice park bench there's people going by either cutting through the park working out

Speaker 1 fucking weirdos musicians

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 sociopath fucking

Speaker 1 you know, Wall Street tech guys, you know,

Speaker 1 you just look at them going like, I wonder if they had like a solid platinum axe in their house, and they listened to Huey Lewis.

Speaker 1 I know that scene is fucking nuts, but how sick is that fucking axe?

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 anyway, plowing ahead here. Uh,

Speaker 1 I'm totally into fucking Moto GP.

Speaker 1 Um, I've had the time being out here

Speaker 1 to get into this stuff.

Speaker 1 What is it? Coda's next, right?

Speaker 1 Circuit of the Americas down there in Austin. Unfortunately, I won't be able to make the race this year

Speaker 1 because I'm working here in New York, obviously, but very excited about that. And,

Speaker 1 you know, I want to see. It's like this,

Speaker 1 you know.

Speaker 1 Mark Marquez thing is just crazy. He's literally won everything.
He's gotten both sprints, won both races, was pole position on both.

Speaker 1 It's just been the Mark Marquez parade, but I'm kind of excited that his brother has been able to, he's the only guy that's been able to keep up with them. So

Speaker 1 I got to think on one of these,

Speaker 1 you know, because the same thing happened on both races. The first race, he let Alex pass him so he wouldn't chew up his tires, and he just sort of rode behind him

Speaker 1 until he just makes this decision that I'm going to pass you, and he just does.

Speaker 1 I was watching this whole cool video on like his ability, how late he brakes, and how it puts all of this weight on the front of the bike,

Speaker 1 and then how he transfers it at the last second to the back brake. I don't know what he's doing, which helps him dive into the turn and then roll on the throttle when he comes out.
But

Speaker 1 it's uh

Speaker 1 it's like an art, it's like an artist. It's it's unbelievable.
So

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 We'll see where that goes. So anyway,

Speaker 1 old fucking Billy in shape.

Speaker 1 I'm still going to the big gay gym, man. Underrated.
Joining a big gay gym. The level of shape that gay guys are in.
It's like motivational.

Speaker 1 Like you come in there and you're like, I am a, like, no matter what shape you're in, you feel like you got a dad bought, you know?

Speaker 1 But then after standing next to the gay guys, guys you feel fucking horrible but then when you hang out with with dads you're like oh dude I look fucking great

Speaker 1 I think all of those gay dudes in there

Speaker 1 because men are visual creatures like they literally have to go in there and be like in the Calvin Klein underwear shape like that's what the fuck they're going for

Speaker 1 Where like if you just go to a like a gym in like the suburbs You know every guy in there is just trying to get rid of his mantits if he just doesn't have mantits you know if his chest is sticking out a little further than his stomach he's like i look all right i like those guys with the belly and they go but look it's solid it's fucking solid it's like that's the fat it's calcified those aren't abs

Speaker 1 remember i remember a long time ago a guy used to say that used to talk about how hard his stomach was

Speaker 1 And we used to believe it. And then years later, they did a study going like, well, you know, when the fat's in there long long enough, it starts to like

Speaker 1 starts to get like petrified. And I don't mean scared, I'm talking more like

Speaker 1 some dinosaur shit. Um,

Speaker 1 so anyway, only got one show tonight, which is cool. And uh, I've been playing a little bit of drums and some guitar.
All right, so here is here I am with my guitar.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to learn one Angus Young

Speaker 1 guitar solo. So I'm trying to learn the solo from You Shook Me All Night Long.

Speaker 1 And I'm hoping in learning that and trying to figure out what notes I'm actually playing rather than just doing like the tab thing or have some YouTube guy.

Speaker 1 I mean, I am watching a YouTube guy who's showing me how to do it, but like I'm hoping that that's going to,

Speaker 1 I don't know, open up something else. But

Speaker 1 it's a fucking, it's a hard instrument for me. Drums just are like, I don't know.
I just always related to them.

Speaker 1 I think because I came from playing sports, it just felt more like a physical thing where guitar is just like

Speaker 1 the intricacies of it and the delta and

Speaker 1 vibrato and bending strings and

Speaker 1 I don't know. And then just that confusing

Speaker 1 like the guitar to me in my brain, what is that older counting

Speaker 1 tool where they would have like those beans.

Speaker 1 you know they call them bean counters right they would have like the beans on on like

Speaker 1 almost like uh like a clothing line where you would like

Speaker 1 dry clothes i know you guys know what the fuck i'm talking about i don't know what the hell it is and they would just sit there moving the beans around and you're looking at it going like how the fuck does that make any sense i always looked at the fretboard like that

Speaker 1 you know like even when you go to tune the guitar You know, as you're going down, it's that fucking...

Speaker 1 You get to the G string, which always goes out of tune. And then all of a a sudden you're pressing down on the fourth fret to get a B.

Speaker 1 Everything else is the fifth fret, the whole way down, except for that.

Speaker 1 And then, when, like, I don't know, when you're kind of moving up the neck of the guitar, like it's all the same, all the same, all the same.

Speaker 1 Then you get to like the B string or the G string, and then it's not your first finger, it's the middle finger.

Speaker 1 I don't know, it's it's

Speaker 2 I don't know

Speaker 1 as confusing as I just explained that is how how confused I am when

Speaker 1 I play the guitar, but I'm trying to push myself outside of it. When I get fucking time,

Speaker 1 when I stop being media boy here,

Speaker 1 I got to sign up for that Dave Kushner masterclass because he gets into guitar theory and shit like that, and I'm hoping it's going to help me.

Speaker 1 I also did the tonight show.

Speaker 1 The other night. So first of all, thank you to everybody at the view.
The ladies on it could not have been nicer. They were sweethearts.
And

Speaker 1 everyone at Tonight Show was cool. And I'll tell you this, underrated, I don't know if you can buy this, is the Tonight Show sweatshirt that they give you.

Speaker 1 I usually give the merch away, but I looked at that sweatshirt and I'm like, oh my God, that looks like

Speaker 1 walking around wearing a pillow. So I actually wore it yesterday.
You feel like a douche wearing a TV credit that you have walking down the street.

Speaker 1 Like if you're a writer on the show, it's cool to have like a tonight show sweatshirt on. But if you actually did the show, you look like a douche.
But I still wore it.

Speaker 1 That's like how comfortable the sweatshirt is.

Speaker 1 Weren't you on the tonight show? Yes, I was. You can read it right on my

Speaker 1 sweatshirt. So it's my new favorite sweatshirt.
My two favorite sweatshirts are

Speaker 1 that one. And then

Speaker 1 a few years ago,

Speaker 1 me and my lovely wife, we rented a trailer,

Speaker 1 like one of those, those all-silver ones that the hipsters redo. Whatever you call though, we stayed in a trailer for two days in the Santa Monica Mountains,

Speaker 1 and we came down the hill and

Speaker 1 we went there for

Speaker 1 to get some food, right?

Speaker 1 And I bought a Malibu sweatshirt, like a tourist.

Speaker 1 It was funny because Bartnick goes, was making fun of my sweatshirt going, that's like a rich person's sweatshirt. I go, no, it it isn't.
I go, this sweatshirt said I was passing through Malibu.

Speaker 1 If you live in Malibu, you don't wear a shirt that says Malibu.

Speaker 1 You know, if you're a tourist, you want to prove that you were there. Like, nobody who lives in Paris or who lives in New York, you don't wear like one of those fucking

Speaker 1 New York City, you know, duck motherfucker, or that fuck you, you fucking fuck those things. Tourists buy that shit.

Speaker 1 So I was a tourist and I acted appropriately and I bought a Malibu sweatshirt and it is the most fucking, those two really comfortable.

Speaker 1 That's what it is when you get older. You know, when you're younger, you want to be a badass.
The older you get, you want to be like comfortable. And then, like, and then fat people,

Speaker 1 like, they, they're comfortable over everything.

Speaker 1 Like, I'll still, you know,

Speaker 1 if I have to get dressed up, I'll put on something uncomfortable, like a tie or some shit, right? But, like, fat people, they don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 You know, fat people will show up to a funeral in sweatpants and crocs.

Speaker 1 And then I love, you always go like, dude, what the fuck you wearing? This is a wake.

Speaker 1 You know, I don't know. I just like being comfortable.

Speaker 1 It's like, dude, that's you're fat.

Speaker 1 That's what it is. You can't.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 how far are you going to take this, dude?

Speaker 1 You're so out of shape. You're wearing sweatpants and crocs to a fucking wake.
What are we doing? You didn't even wear your black crocs.

Speaker 1 You could have been more respectful.

Speaker 1 Can't come in here wearing lime green crocs

Speaker 1 and then try to play it off like, oh, he was a festive guy. You know, we saw the light.
Fuck you. You got fat feet.
Your feet are fat.

Speaker 1 It is funny, like, when you look at like clothes and shit.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 I've kept myself in pretty decent shape my whole life, so I have yet to have to buy skechers.

Speaker 1 Like, I feel like

Speaker 1 once you get skechers, once you buy your first pair of skechers, that's like you're in your AARP card years.

Speaker 1 And I have one of those motherfuckers, and I always forget to use it. You're supposed to be able to use it at a movie theater and get a, get a discount.
I got a buddy of mine.

Speaker 1 He just swears by the thing.

Speaker 1 Like, he told me to get my, when you turn 50, you can get it, right? If these fucking lunatics don't get rid of, don't get rid of that, too.

Speaker 1 I know they're getting rid of, like, Social Security, I heard, or something. I don't know.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I wish these fucking assholes that are in power right now, it's like, all right, so you're looking at the government, justify yourself. Are you ever going to get around to insurance companies?

Speaker 1 You're going to get around to banks? You're going to get around to the people that poison the food supply?

Speaker 1 Are we going to figure out why Bill Gates decides that we're going to have plastic on our apples? And he has his own private orchard, I imagine. You think he's eating those fucking things?

Speaker 1 How the fuck are you a philanthropist when you're fucking feeding plastic apples to babies? That shit used to just be like that shit from the 70s.

Speaker 1 It was like a play setter you have in the middle, and it was fake wax fruit.

Speaker 1 Now they're making you eat it. Eat it, you stinking pig.
What movie?

Speaker 1 Over the Edge, one of the greatest lines ever. That chick running out

Speaker 1 stole the globe

Speaker 1 out of the science room, and the cop's locked in the assembly hall, and he's looking out, and she runs by and comes back, and she squats down with the globe and delivers arguably the greatest line in cinema history: Eat it, you stinking pig.

Speaker 1 And then she fucking

Speaker 1 had to make sure they would hold on to their PG rating.

Speaker 1 I mean, eat it, you fucking pig.

Speaker 1 You stinking pig.

Speaker 1 That poor actress, man, they gave her a James Cagney.

Speaker 1 Meow. Oh, Edward G.
Robinson. Meh, you stinking pigs.
Meow. All you guys.
Meow.

Speaker 1 Anyway, plowing ahead here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so this is my deal. If I'm not lifting at the gym, I get on the elliptical, the belliptical.

Speaker 1 You know, and then I go over and I do the speed bag, you know, to help with my hand-eye coordination.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to go over there and just keep doing that and see if I can, during this play,

Speaker 1 finally get rid of this fucking double cheeseburger that's just fucking hanging on me.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 So anyway, I'm going to do some stand-up tonight. Oh, Billy's going to get out there.
I got some new fucking bits. I got some new ideas.
I got some shit that I want to do.

Speaker 1 I don't have any advertising, so I have to keep babbling. Usually, this is right now when I want to just read like an ad.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 I actually was dealing with a little bit of depression last night, right?

Speaker 1 I've been starting to read the paper a little bit more, you know.

Speaker 1 I got the

Speaker 1 New York Times, right? Because I'm a meathead. I'm always getting the post or the daily news, and I just flip it over and I read the sports section.
Because the front section of the post

Speaker 1 and the daily news is just garbage.

Speaker 1 It's so politically slanted. It's literally like, what if CNN and Fox News had a fucking paper, right? So I'm not reading that shit, right? And I know you go, oh, fucking lefty liberal.
I get it.

Speaker 1 I get the New York Times is lefty liberal. But there's also information there that I wasn't aware that is going on in the world that I wasn't aware of.
Shout out to the people of South Korea

Speaker 1 that stopped that dude from,

Speaker 1 he was going to try to impose martial law. And he was going to arrest his

Speaker 1 opponent

Speaker 1 in the race or something like that. And the opponent pleaded to the people to come down there.
He almost, and this fucking guy that wanted martial law, he almost did it.

Speaker 1 All he needed was like 100 troops, and they almost came in and did it. But they were able to stop it.
And now the dude who tried to have martial law, he got fucking arrested.

Speaker 1 you know it was like an episode of batman way back in the day

Speaker 1 where you know the joker the riddler whatever the penguin they would start out and they would would have control of gotham and then by the end of the episode whatever they had hatched um ended up backfiring on them so that's good to see

Speaker 1 it's good to see people saying we don't want this getting together and stopping something. It's nice to see that

Speaker 1 that can still happen.

Speaker 1 Because I've kind of had this epiphany where if you listen to any politicians, if you watch any of the 24-hour news networks, or if you go on

Speaker 1 social media, it's like these people are all screaming like their heads are on fire.

Speaker 1 But then you walk out of the house and everybody's like, chill, like, hey, man, how's it going? Hey, you know, it's going pretty good. You think it's going to rain today? Hey, I don't know.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, you know what? Why don't I walk away from all of this crazy shit?

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, because paying attention to it doesn't seem to be doing anything for me other than making me fucking feel like I'm crazy.

Speaker 1 I will tell you what I want to do is I talked about this earlier in the years. I want to do a gig over in Tokyo.
And I want to line it up with they got this.

Speaker 1 Somewhere later on this year, they got like,

Speaker 1 what would you call it? Like almost like a car show, but a motorcycle show of all like those cafe races. I'm kind of obsessed with Hondas and Suzuki's and Yamaha's in the 70s.

Speaker 1 I used to love those fucking bikes. I fucking loved those bikes.

Speaker 1 And I remember Harley's, all the Harleys in the 70s, those guys were just fucking scary.

Speaker 1 Like, dude, legit

Speaker 1 fucking lunatics rode Harleys when I was growing up. Like, your dad didn't get a fucking Harley.

Speaker 1 You know, like outlaws. People with tattoos when it fucking meant something.
You know, when you got a tattoo and you couldn't get rid of it. Like, I don't know what I was thinking.

Speaker 1 I just want to be a blank slate. I'm starting over.
Like, you couldn't do that back then. Like, whatever the fuck you got was there for life.
And

Speaker 1 yeah, those things just, like, the Harleys just look mean, Mad Max or whatever. But like, I remember the Suzuki's, the Yamaha's, the Hondas, like, that shit looked fun.

Speaker 1 And I loved like the brake lights on them. I love the design of them, the seats, the gas tank, the whole thing.
And

Speaker 1 they have, you know, obviously Japan's the one that made them. So they have this whole scene out there.

Speaker 1 The same way you would go to a car show out here where they have all like the muscle cars and stuff. They have these.

Speaker 1 these incredible shows out there where where all these kids like restore these bikes and they're literally driving works of art, I feel, down the street. So,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 1 and also I heard the coffee in Japan is like, I got a buddy of mine who lives there now. He said it's like next level.
So,

Speaker 1 kind of up for that. Um,

Speaker 1 anyway, I started to watch this crazy movie, another car movie.

Speaker 1 See if I can find it. I had to take a picture of it because I had never heard of it.
And

Speaker 1 what the hell is it here? Go into photos.

Speaker 1 Let me see here.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. I hate when that happens.
You know, when somehow you're taking photos in your pocket?

Speaker 1 And then you have like 18 just like blank photos. And then you get all paranoid.
Like, did I erase all of my photos?

Speaker 1 God damn it. I'm not going to be able to find it.
What was the name of that movie?

Speaker 1 It was something about these guys. They would like driving.

Speaker 1 It was about them driving

Speaker 1 fast cars up Mulholland Drive.

Speaker 1 Ah, shit.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to be able to find it.

Speaker 1 You know what? I apologize. I'm bringing it up and now I can't find it.
I will get you the name of this movie.

Speaker 1 I will tell you this.

Speaker 1 Houston Punchline, Rory Scovel,

Speaker 1 is there

Speaker 1 tonight and tomorrow or the 20th through the 22nd. So the 20th was yesterday, 21-22.
Yeah, so definitely go down there and check that guy out.

Speaker 1 He's one of the funniest fucking human beings

Speaker 1 comedians I've ever met. And he's so smart and so fucking silly all at the same time.
Like, that's like one of my favorite things ever is when a smart person

Speaker 1 is acting silly and he's just,

Speaker 1 okay, oh, I found it. I found it.
King of the Mountain, 1981.

Speaker 1 And, all right, so it's all about these guys and

Speaker 1 they're up there, you know, racing cars. But anyways, Rory Scoville, you got to go see this guy, okay? I'm letting you guys know because I'm getting tired of this shit where.

Speaker 1 You know, the internet does not reward the funniest person. The internet rewards who's the best at the internet.
So if you want to know who the best comics are out there, start asking your

Speaker 1 comics that have podcasts

Speaker 1 because, you know, we're in the clubs all night. Now, every night, I should say.
So we know who the funny guys are. Rory fucking Scovel.
And he's an incredible actor, too.

Speaker 1 He did a little part for us in Old Dad's, and he was killing me.

Speaker 1 I just think he's such an incredible talent, and he's so fucking unique and so silly and super smart.

Speaker 1 You know, and it's an intense time. So, you know, you want to go down and just have a good time and just forget about life or whatever, or just go have a good laugh? You had a tough week.

Speaker 1 Go check him out at the Punchline in Houston. Rory Scoville, I'm Bill Burr, and I support this message.
All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

Speaker 1 Thank you for listening. Thank you to everybody that's been

Speaker 1 coming out to

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 Glen Gary Glen Ross shows.

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 I have a show in England at the, I don't know where the fuck it is, the Apollo, I think.

Speaker 1 Benefit for Parkinson's Disease. It's sold out.

Speaker 1 I have a special guest that is opening on that show. I will eventually let you know.
It's a musical guest. It's going to be fun.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 this has to do with my love for Glenn Tipton and Judas Priest. So I know this other musician that is also a fan of the band wants to come.
And we're going to have some fun before my set or whatever.

Speaker 1 A little teas are there, as they say in the business. All right, that's it.
Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themelis.

Speaker 1 And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, that's it.
Have a great weekend. Your cards.

Speaker 2 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday

Speaker 2 Fucking March 19th, dude. I'm in a great mood.
Boop, boop, boop, boop. You fucking tuck my fucking dick.
Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Speaker 2 I don't know why I just sang that song. I've just been watching a bunch of fucking old.

Speaker 2 You know, I listen to old country now, and then I started listening to old fucking rock and roll.

Speaker 2 You know, What's His Face Just Died?

Speaker 2 The guy used to fucking film chicks that he shit on or something, whatever his name is. Chuck Berry.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh. Whoa, dad.

Speaker 2 You know, it's part of one of his classics. If you listen to the background, you can hear him shitting on people.

Speaker 2 I have such respect for him, too. You know, it's just once stuff like that gets out.
Once it gets out.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so I've just been, I'm in a great fucking mood because my fucking shoulder.

Speaker 2 I had this rotator cuff injury, and it's just been fucking with me since October. And I finally found an exercise.
It works for me.

Speaker 2 For me, I just feel like for my shoulder, my shoulder needs a safe place.

Speaker 2 People on the internet are me.

Speaker 2 A lot of crying out there.

Speaker 2 All right, so

Speaker 2 this is the exercise. If your rotator cuff is fucked up like mine is,

Speaker 2 the problem is if you can, look with this injury, it's like you can still pick up the same amount of weight you can always pick up depending on the angle.

Speaker 2 But then shaking hands or just reaching for a salt shaker, all of a sudden you're like, ha!

Speaker 2 This sharp pain.

Speaker 2 It's basically what I've learned: it's the muscle, like it's when you first go to raise your arm that first 30 degrees, that's what the fuck it is.

Speaker 2 And then the big boys take over, whatever you're doing. How are you lifting your lunch pail up? Maybe you got a giant fucking donut you want to shove into your face, like I did today.

Speaker 2 I broke my rules about donuts. You know,

Speaker 2 my wife was wanting some donuts, so I went by. There's a Dunkin' Donuts out here, right? So I show up, and it's late in the day.
It's like fucking two in the afternoon. So all the donuts are gone.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 2 They're still making them, but

Speaker 2 they don't have that freshness to them. They got those, you know, the little munchkins.
They had like the worst flavors left.

Speaker 2 It was like blueberry custard and fuck your mother, whatever the fuck it was called.

Speaker 2 And I was like, that's what you got left? They were like, yeah, that's the guy left. This is after the people in front of me could not make up their mind.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Can we get a dozen donuts? And they lay them down now. That's how long it's been since I've seen anybody get a dozen donuts.
They lay them down.

Speaker 2 Back in the day, they stood them up, and the frosting from one donut got on another donut.

Speaker 2 You know? And evidently, with all the iPhones coming out, somebody finally decided, why don't we make the box a different shape and we'll lay them down.

Speaker 2 And I imagine the Steve Jobs of Dunkin' Donuts went to some sort of comic-con of fat people, and he came out in a turtleneck sweater with his fucking new balance sneakers, and he fucking showed off the box, and everybody went, Oh my god, right?

Speaker 2 The fucking man tits bouncing up and down.

Speaker 2 And you think he gave credit to the poor little fucking eight-year-old in the back room who had to put those things together? Huh? The blind nine-year-old girl who fucking designed the box

Speaker 2 down in fucking East Albuquerque? You think he gave him any credit? Of course he didn't.

Speaker 2 Of course he didn't. Oh, look who's here? My two angels.

Speaker 2 Cutie number one and cutie number two. What's up, buddy? Hey, Nia, this is some bad language in there.
She can't understand it, anyways.

Speaker 2 What's going on? Do you want to be on the podcast, Nini?

Speaker 2 Sure. Well, grab a mic.
Go, go, go, go.

Speaker 2 You shake my nerve, then you rattle my brain.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you got to grab stuff in the bag. Anyway, so.

Speaker 2 What did you do? What do you mean, what did I do? You got doggy trees. I know.
I know.

Speaker 2 Come back in a minute. Come back in a minute.
I'm in the middle of this story. Oh, all right.
All right. Bye.
Okay. Bye, cutie.

Speaker 2 You know, that fucking guy trying to make the donuts. That was just an actor.

Speaker 2 So anyway, so I call up Nia, okay? And I just go, yeah, they don't have any fucking donuts. Their donuts suck there anyways.
And she went, oh, my God. She goes, blasphemy.

Speaker 2 A guy from Boston, which I'm not. I'm from the Boston area.
I'm from the safe suburbs. All right? So you can take your Goodwill hunting fucking quotes and

Speaker 2 tell them to somebody else. Because I grew up in a nice suburb.
There was cul-de-sacs. We played street hockey.
We roasted marshmallows. All right?

Speaker 2 There was no, it's not your fault. There was none of that shit.
Nobody liked apples. And I sucked at math.
Okay? That's it.

Speaker 2 I climbed trees

Speaker 2 and I had a paper root. Okay? So enough with the Southy shit.
Anybody, everybody from from Massachusetts is not from South Boston. We didn't steal cars.
Okay?

Speaker 2 A lot of us are from the suburbs. We slept in bunk beds.

Speaker 2 I'm so sick of that fucking movie.

Speaker 2 Where are you from? You just say, you know, I'm from Massachusetts.

Speaker 2 Southie? Did you grow up in Southie?

Speaker 2 Did you like apples?

Speaker 2 Did you say, how about them apples down at the tasty?

Speaker 2 Like some fucking stuck-up Harvard cunt is gonna mess with anybody ever from fucking well, back the way South Boston used to be.

Speaker 2 Now they're all Harvard grads that live down there, from what I've heard. I have no idea.
I don't know what goes on in that city.

Speaker 2 Okay, last time I lived there, they were just starting the big dig, and that big, ugly green thing was still there. And going from Fanuel Hall over to the north end, you took your life in your hands.

Speaker 2 You just felt it. You went underneath the fucking Southeast Expressway, and it was scary, you know.

Speaker 2 Anyways, what the fuck am I? So I call her up, and I just say, yeah, I go, the donuts suck. And she goes, oh my God.
She goes, a Boston guy saying dunk a donut sucks. That's blasphemy.

Speaker 2 It's like, Nia, nobody gives a fuck about their donuts. It's all about the coffee.
All right? I don't drink the coffee. I don't drink coffee.
I don't like it. It tastes like dirty water.

Speaker 2 It burns my tongue. It stains your teeth.
It's just, it's a fucking, it's the trifecta of, you know, I guess it helps you take a shit, though.

Speaker 2 I know a lot of people are like, you know, I drink a coffee, smoke a cig, take a good shit, get on with my day, you know, have a French fucking curler.

Speaker 2 It's all about the like, their bread and butter is the coffee. Okay, that's the lead singer.
That's like, if Dunkin' Donuts broke up and the coffee went solo, all right, that's the George Michael.

Speaker 2 And the Donuts are the, whatever that other guy's name was, Andrew Ridgely.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so I go, yeah, fuck that place.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 oh, yeah, the people in front of me, they couldn't make up their goddamn mind. Like, what do you want?

Speaker 2 What's in those?

Speaker 2 Oh, can we get two of

Speaker 2 let's get three of those? They kept talking to each other.

Speaker 2 We'll get three of the pink ones.

Speaker 2 And I was already having a bad day because

Speaker 2 I keep my truck in storage now because we got the little one. It's just easier for my wife to get in and out of the garage.

Speaker 2 And I knew if I kept my truck there, and she always had to squeeze by it and try and get the fucking stroller and all that shit, you know what's going to happen. Eventually, she's going to be like,

Speaker 2 I don't know, what do we need three cars for? And eventually she's going to make me sell it. So I did a preemptive strike and I immediately put it in fucking storage before she could bitch about it.

Speaker 2 So I had it over the last fucking like five days, loving. So I just switch out.
All right. I put Jackie in storage and I take out the old girl, right? And I drove her for like five fucking days.

Speaker 2 And of course, the battery died because I forgot to unhook the the terminals there had to get a jump down at the comedy store um

Speaker 2 and uh

Speaker 2 anyway so i i'm going to return the car today and it's the day before i go on the road so we have a rule in my house in my house there is a rule

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 but basically the day before i go on the road i it's family day i hang out you know i make breakfast i made some fucking meatballs i cook the goddamn chicken i make sure that she's got food in the fridge You know, I'm a hell of a guy.

Speaker 2 So I make sure she's going to be all right, right? So I go, all right, I got to return my truck. She's like, when are you going to be back? I'm like, I'm going to be back soon.
All right.

Speaker 2 So I get in the truck and I do what I always do. I drive down the, I got to move fucking, you know, I got to move her car.
I become like a valet because I have the shittiest driveway ever, right?

Speaker 2 So I'm fucking driving up the street. And as always, big stupid grin on my face.
It's my favorite thing ever. It's three on the tree.
It's so much fun to drive.

Speaker 2 And whenever I get a little bit of space out here, I just get to fucking run through all three gears. That's all I want to do.
Every time I do, I get right.

Speaker 2 The second I get it into third gear, I always have the window down.

Speaker 2 Even though I put some AC in there, I never fucking. I didn't use it for so long.

Speaker 2 I turned it on, and all this white shit came out, and I breathed it in, and probably took like fucking nine years off my life.

Speaker 2 Anytime I get it up into third gear and I'm cruising down the street, I always do the same thing. I always go, woo!

Speaker 2 Every time.

Speaker 2 I never did that once in nine years of owning my Priest, ever.

Speaker 2 It's just, it's the greatest sound

Speaker 2 in the fucking world.

Speaker 2 It's the sound of a big fucking American engine making it great, running through the fucking gears, loud pipes. It's the greatest fucking sound ever.
And every time I get through, woo!

Speaker 2 I go up the street, right? So I'm having a great time. You know, I'm driving down the street.
I got the AM radio on.

Speaker 2 I usually listen listen to Keyshawn Johnson's fucking sports show, but you know, it's the weekend, so it wasn't on. And, anyways, I get on to,

Speaker 2 you know, I get onto the fucking highway, and of course, I'm cruising along, and right before

Speaker 2 I get to my exit, it is just like this traffic from fucking,

Speaker 2 it's like five in the afternoon traffic if a fucking truck jackknife.

Speaker 2 It is just, of course, my exit. And I told the people I'd be over there by noon.
So I'm starting to feel stressed. I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

Speaker 2 So I try to make a fucking, you know, a Boston move here, right? Even though I'm from the suburbs, a Massachusetts move.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go around all this shit, act like I'm going to drive by, and then I'm going to fucking cut in. And I don't know what the fuck was going on.
I couldn't see any accident.

Speaker 2 So I'm trying to go from one highway to another. So I go, I know what I'll do.
I'll just fucking, rather than go east like I want to, I'll just get on the west side.

Speaker 2 I'll take the highway west, go down one exit, and then I'll curl back around because I can see on the overpass, there's no fucking traffic

Speaker 2 I don't know whether it was like this offshoot to the on-ramp right that everyone was going down like I don't know what the like Paul Simon was doing like a free concert or some shit that was the level of of of uh traffic

Speaker 2 so I say fuck it I get out of the traffic I drive down get it up the third gear woo right I fucking go to go west to turn one fucking block, you know, one exit up and then come back around.

Speaker 2 And as I fucking go there, all of a sudden, this is all this other traffic going the other direction. And I, and this is the first time since I started meditating that I had an absolute meltdown.

Speaker 2 I literally screamed as loud as I possibly could, fuck you, LA.

Speaker 2 Every fucking cocksucking motherfucking cunt fucking, every word you could possibly think.

Speaker 2 You know, and then I'm fucking just stuck in even worse traffic going the other way to go one fucking exit, you know, up to come back around.

Speaker 2 And all I'm thinking is where the fuck would I be if I just took the pain to begin with and just stayed in that traffic jam? I'd be creeping forward and whatever.

Speaker 2 Why didn't I just call the place and say I was going to be a little late? Oh, you know what, Bill? Because that would have been the chill thing to do, right? I didn't.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 it turns out I look up, I'm like, what the? This is like, it's Saturday at noon.

Speaker 2 How is there five o'clock in the afternoon on Friday traffic? I am like literally beside myself

Speaker 2 just

Speaker 2 saying every curse I possibly can. And I look up and there's two little flashers going on and it's tow truck flashers, right? And I'm like, oh, here we go.
This is all rubbernecking.

Speaker 2 And on the other side of the road, it's fucking going, you know, like gangbusters. Everybody's cruising by.
That's where I want to be.

Speaker 2 It's right fucking there, right? And I can't get to it.

Speaker 2 So I'm like, you fucking

Speaker 2 fucking rubbernecking piece. What's something we changing a tire? It's going to be a fender bender, and I'm losing my shit out there.

Speaker 2 If I was a fucking dictator, I would deliberately have a car on the side of the road changing a tire, and whoever slowed down and looked at it would be eliminated, would be removed from society,

Speaker 2 fed to the fucking pigs, whatever the hell it is, whatever that fat fucking North Korea does to his goddamn relatives, feeds them to dogs. That's what I would do.
I was actually, I was so fucking mad.

Speaker 2 I was like, you know, that fat fucking North Korea, he's actually making sense to me. You know?

Speaker 2 So I get all the way up. I should be careful, man.
He might send somebody over here to miss me.

Speaker 2 Like he did to his other, you know, he set up those two fucking whores over there, right? To take out his fucking stepbrother.

Speaker 2 So, anyways, I get all the way up to the traffic jam. And of course, it's a little fender benter.
There's people standing there. There's nothing going on.
But I'm finally going to get past it.

Speaker 2 Finally going to get off the exit, come around. And fucking run through the gears and fucking go down the other side.
And what do I see on the other side of the road?

Speaker 2 Where it was all nice nice and clear? Now there's major traffic because the dumb cunts on the other side of the highway are slowing down to look at the shit on my side of the highway.

Speaker 2 So now I got to sit through it fucking twice.

Speaker 2 And something told me, don't get off at the first exit, Bill.

Speaker 2 Everybody has this idea. Go to the second exit, and you know, and then come back.
And guess what I did? I ignored that instinct, got off the first one.

Speaker 2 Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, fucking dead stop traffic.

Speaker 2 And the only way to get back on the highway is I got to make this illegal U-turn. And I don't give a fuck.
I'm making it.

Speaker 2 And I'm just sitting there, cock sucking motherfucking dictator fucking, cut all their fucking heads off. And I'm getting ready to make my illegal U-turn.

Speaker 2 And I just happen to look in my rearview mirror. And guess what? It's two cars behind me.
A fucking cop.

Speaker 2 I'm like, what are the fucking odds?

Speaker 2 Now I gotta go straight. I said, fuck this.
So I get in the right lane. And I just cruise up and I get out of his sight.
I finally fucking

Speaker 2 around.

Speaker 2 I finally got into a good lane and I came back. And then I got back under traffic again, looked at the same people, looking at the same accident.
There was nothing going on.

Speaker 2 And then I fucking finally was able to continue on. And of course, I made the call.
There was no problem.

Speaker 2 Nobody gave a shit. Nobody yelled at me.
It was fine. I completely lost my shit.
And I'm in bed. I got so fucking mad that when I saw the people on the other side of the road rubbernecking,

Speaker 2 I gave them the finger.

Speaker 2 And I was all the way to the right, getting off the highway, and I gave all of them. I mean, it like,

Speaker 2 do you realize how immature that is?

Speaker 2 I mean, I was just like, have you ever been embarrassed about yourself, by yourself? Like, I actually hit that level because, like, I stuck my whole fucking arm out the window, giving him the finger.

Speaker 2 The person behind me could see it, be like, who's this guy giving the finger to?

Speaker 2 You know, I'm basically saying it wasn't one of my best moments but anyways as I mentioned earlier

Speaker 2 I one of the great things is I somebody showed me this exercise

Speaker 2 for

Speaker 2 rehabbing the rotator cuff and it's fucking

Speaker 2 been great first of all what you do is you basically you you bend over at the waist no you're not going to take it up the ass okay before anybody makes that easy joke you let your arm hang down and and then what you start doing is basically your finger, your whole,

Speaker 2 your fingers are pointed at the floor. Your arm's hanging straight down, and you just make small circles, right?

Speaker 2 Counterclockwise or clockwise, and then you just start to make it bigger and bigger just to just get to the point of pain.

Speaker 2 And then you live there for a minute, then you back it back down to small circles, and then go clockwise. If you went counterclockwise, you just go vice versa.
You just go the other direction.

Speaker 2 You do the same thing again. Whatever that does, it kind of gets some fucking, I don't know lube in there.
I have no idea. I don't know shit about anatomy, all right?

Speaker 2 And, anyways, and then

Speaker 2 what you do is you have your arm

Speaker 2 straight out, not straight out, you have it down at an angle, you walk up to a wall. All right, I have to explain this part perfectly, all right.
And by the way, you're at your own risk on this one.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 you have your arm probably at like a whatever, 15-degree angle. You're standing right next to the wall,

Speaker 2 um, sideways, okay?

Speaker 2 Is that perpendicular to the wall? I have no fucking idea, all right? It's like, just imagine the wall was your friend, and the two of you went to a general admission concert, and you got there early.

Speaker 2 Just imagine what the space would be between the two of you, but you'd be both looking at the same shit, right?

Speaker 2 That still doesn't make sense. Perpendicular to the fucking thing, all right?

Speaker 2 So you reach out, you touch the wall, all right? Your arms at a 15. degree angle, and then you just slowly start walking it up.

Speaker 2 And obviously, as it gets more straight, you're gonna have to move your body further away from the wall. And you just walk it up with your fingers.

Speaker 2 So it's basically the weight of your arm, but your fingers are taking away most of the weight.

Speaker 2 And walk it all the fucking way up until it's like you know the answer in a classroom and you're so excited and you're straight up. And then you walk it back down.
You do a set of three to five.

Speaker 2 And I did it. I've been doing it twice a day and my fucking shoulder's amazing.
And then I ice it afterwards.

Speaker 2 And it feels fucking amazing. I actually sat down and played a little drums today.
It was fucking phenomenal. And I don't know.

Speaker 2 Maybe somebody can explain it a little bit better. Maybe there's a YouTube video of it.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 So, anyways, that's what I've been doing, and I feel great. And

Speaker 2 the guy who

Speaker 2 is basically keeping my dog for the rest of her life. So I know she'll be safe, was in town, and he brought her by, and I got to take her on a couple of hikes.
We hung out, and

Speaker 2 you know, it's sort of like a shared custody thing. I mean, he has her like 95% of the time, but I know she's safe, she looked great, and

Speaker 2 it's awesome. I don't know, I don't know if it's good or bad for me to keep seeing her because it's always fucking unbelievably sad every time when I give her back.

Speaker 2 But as long as I know the next time I'm going to see her, then I kind of have hope or whatever. I just keep jokingly say that she went to college, and this is like spring break.

Speaker 2 You know, she comes back in March or whatever. But

Speaker 2 but it's, you know, what's great is I know she's okay. I know she's going to live out a full life.

Speaker 2 And, you know, whenever that day comes when she's coming down to the end of it, I'm going to be there. Because I always, I kind of made a promise.

Speaker 2 You know, you know, when you get a dog, that's, it's like, you know, that's it. Like, how much you love a dog, it's like, dude, I'm there until the end.

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 2 Even though the way it worked out with having a kid and everything,

Speaker 2 the main main point of the whole thing was that she survived and she had a great life. She's got this, you know, she's living in a great house now in Arizona and all that type of shit.

Speaker 2 And it just means I'll play Arizona more.

Speaker 2 And the person who owns her makes frequent trips out here, always drives out. And I think he'll always bring her because he knows that we love her.
And Nia got to see her and everything.

Speaker 2 She came back over to the house, was hanging out.

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 you know, she met

Speaker 2 smelled like us so she was cool

Speaker 2 but uh it really was never oh my god I just said her fucking name I just outered her name

Speaker 2 anyways and

Speaker 2 she just basically you know it was never about the kid it was about everybody else that was going to be coming by and it was going to be too crazy and the dog was going to get even more protective And you know, I went through it with the whole trainer.

Speaker 2 It was like the dog's going to go to a whole nother level. And I just knew something, something something was going to happen.
The craziness of having a kid, so we just made the right decision.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 all right, where do we go from here? I'm going to edit that out, by the way. That's going to annoy you guys.
You said the name. You should have let me fucking know.
There's too many weirdos out there.

Speaker 2 Too many weirdos.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 anyways, what have I been up to? I've been watching a little bit of the March Madness

Speaker 2 as much as I can, you know, having the kiddo around.

Speaker 2 I watched Duke, you know, win their first round. I don't know.
I'm assuming they won the second round, or I would have, I'm assuming that they're in the fucking Sweet 16. My internet sucks right now.

Speaker 2 The internet is such a fucking, I went, I spent all this fucking money. I was just like, dude, you give me fucking the internet that Jesus would have.

Speaker 2 And they said, all right, it's going to be 9 million bucks. I said, I'll write that fucking check, you fucking criminal.
And they said, fine. And I had the best internet for about six months.

Speaker 2 And then slowly it just starts sucking again. And what it is, is I think they just turn the juice up on your house.
Whoever's paying the most for it. And then the next guy gets bumped back.

Speaker 2 And then he's like, hey, what the fuck happened to my good internet? Well, you know, we upgrade, but then he plays, whoever pays more than me. See, I haven't gone back to them in like two years.

Speaker 2 And now, like, I can't even get, I get internet in like two rooms of my house, and the rest of it sucks. Let's see if I can look this up.
March

Speaker 2 Madness.

Speaker 2 There we go. Here we go.
Here we go. CBS Sports.
What's going on? Come on. This is like you're rooting for the slowest horse ever now.
Come on. Load.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, it worked. And it worked.

Speaker 2 March Madness, 2017. Live tournament scores.
Update. Baba, baba, ba-ba.
Where's the fucking bracket?

Speaker 2 Kansas is the team we expected. I love Kansas.

Speaker 2 I love Kansas.

Speaker 2 I don't know why. I've always loved Kansas.
I like Duke. UCLA, it's fucking fun to see them just because they're such a legendary franchise.

Speaker 2 Syracuse exchange plans to extend Boheim. I don't see, I mean, how to watch Duke versus Carolina.
What?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 The number two Blue Devils will take on numbers, oh, on the number seven. Oh, South Carolina, not North Carolina.
Oh, when the fuck are they doing that? I got to watch. All the Duke games get taped.

Speaker 2 But next year, I think I'm going to add to my sports package, and I want to watch as many of the Duke games in Kansas. I don't know why.
I've always loved Kansas. And

Speaker 2 Duke, I got into it because I got a couple friends that went there, and then I went to a game, and they treated us great. So, like, wait, it's over.
I got to call in Coach K's show. It's over.

Speaker 2 Wait a second.

Speaker 2 Did they lose?

Speaker 2 End of the second half.

Speaker 2 What

Speaker 2 the fucking Gamecocks beat him?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 88-81. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 No fucking way.

Speaker 2 No fucking way. Duke score.

Speaker 2 I just spelt scores.

Speaker 2 Duke score. No fucking way.

Speaker 2 They fucking lost.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 South Carolina scored 65 fucking points in the second half. They scored 23 in the first half.
Duke scored 30 and 51.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. I mean, I knew that they didn't have the team this year, but shit, I thought they at least get to the sweet 16.

Speaker 2 Wow, I hope that Jason Tatum guy doesn't be fucking one and done. I hope he comes back.

Speaker 2 And I like that Luke Kennard kid.

Speaker 2 You know, Grayson Allen, he had him coming off the bench really well. You'd think, you know, with all that shit, how he wanted to be hated, you'd think he'd be a you'd think he pouted.

Speaker 2 You'd think he would pout, but he didn't.

Speaker 2 He was a fucking man about it. All right, well, congratulations to South Carolina.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, I know a lot of Duke haters out there loved listening to that in real time. Me discovering that they fucking lost.

Speaker 2 God damn it. All right.

Speaker 2 Kansas. That's my team.
Kansas Jayhawks.

Speaker 2 I respect all of them, man. I really don't like, you know, I come from a pro-sports town, so I don't really have any sort of hatred for anybody.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I don't even hate the fucking North Carolina. I don't even fucking hate them.
I don't hate NC State. I just like, I love how the tradition of all that.
You know, I can sit back.

Speaker 2 I just, I picked a fucking team so I can actually get involved in it, I guess.

Speaker 2 So, anyways, I'll root for Kansas the rest of the way. And I also like seeing UCLA do well.

Speaker 2 And of course, any fucking underdog. I was watching Northwest and it sucked watching them lose.

Speaker 2 They lost the they came back against the

Speaker 2 Gonzaga, who I'm so old, to me, they're still the new kids in town, even though they've been crushing it for almost fucking two decades at this point. Anyways, let's get back to the podcast.

Speaker 2 Let's get back to maybe something Bill that you sort of know about.

Speaker 2 How about that? So anyways, I was listening to all this fucking old rock and roll shit, you know. And of course, if you listen to all that shit, you're eventually going to run into Buddy Holly.

Speaker 2 And I was in that peggy suit. Peggy,

Speaker 2 suit, uh-oh, Peggy.

Speaker 2 My peg suit.

Speaker 2 And I always loved the drums on that. And I never knew what the fuck the guy was doing.
I guess he was just playing paradiddles. That guy, Jerry Allison.

Speaker 2 I just love the way he plays on that fucking song. He's just playing paradiddles around the kid.
He's got the snares off. And I love about wherever the music's going.

Speaker 2 If it's, you know, just playing those basic, was it two chords? I don't know shit about guitar.

Speaker 2 The brighter chord he's up on, the higher note or whatever, he's on the higher tom, and then he goes to the floor tom, and then occasionally comes back to the snare.

Speaker 2 It's just a fucking beautiful piece of music, you know. And I'm learning this shit right now

Speaker 2 with my drum teacher

Speaker 2 about how to finally get my paradiddles and shit and playing singles and doubles going in and out, getting them up to speed while being totally relaxed and letting the stick do the work.

Speaker 2 And it's the hardest motherfucking thing in the world because you already can play it up to a certain speed, just your own fucked-up technique way.

Speaker 2 To just say, fuck all of that and drop like a hundred BPMs, you know,

Speaker 2 and start all over again is a bitch. But if you stick with it,

Speaker 2 I'm not gonna lie to you, it gets pretty fucking exciting where all of a sudden it's just like, wow,

Speaker 2 I don't even feel like I'm exerting any effort whatsoever. And I'm like three quarters up to what used to be my full speed.

Speaker 2 I don't know. It's exciting shit.
So by the way, you know, now that I got the kiddo,

Speaker 2 my lovely daughter,

Speaker 2 who every time I think I can't, I'm not going to, like, you don't think the loves can go any further, they develop more. And more of their personality comes out.
You're like, oh my God, she does that.

Speaker 2 And it just goes to a whole level. Like now she's smiling like you can't believe.

Speaker 2 And the other day I was sitting there, I was with her, and

Speaker 2 diaper's clean. She's got a full belly.
I'm holding her. I'm doing all this shit that usually stops her from crying.
And she's just being cranky and crying.

Speaker 2 I was just like, what the fuck could this possibly be? And that's my favorite part about being a parent right now, is trying to figure out the

Speaker 2 riddle. Like, what's going on with her?

Speaker 2 And you know what I figured out for all you guys with newborns you know that are starting to develop out there you know what i figured out i was like she's fucking bored i'm doing the same shit and this shit was interesting for about a week to ten days and now she's over it because she's hit a new level of consciousness you know she can see a little bit better whatever hear a little bit better she's starting to understand all those are my feet you know she needs something else so um

Speaker 2 You know, we do like this tummy time thing trying to get her to pick up her head and learn how to crawl and stuff.

Speaker 2 So I brought her over to the little pad thing, and it's this little thing that's got like, you know, these little, you know, rattles and shit hanging down from it.

Speaker 2 And I just turned her over onto her back

Speaker 2 and I had her look at those things, and she just looked up and was completely enamored with them.

Speaker 2 And like, that's the new thing. Now I put her on her back, and when she looks at them, she smiles at them like they're her friends.
And this is the greatest thing ever.

Speaker 2 Because up until now, I've had to carry her around like a kettlebell everywhere I went and was, you know, messing with my shoulder and shit.

Speaker 2 But you know, you love your kids, see, like, fuck the shoulder. The shoulder comes a distant,

Speaker 2 you know, 20th in this race, you know, the first 19 spots of my daughter, right?

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 now what's great is I can

Speaker 2 just bring that tummy time thing into where I'm watching sports. I put her on her back.

Speaker 2 She's looking at the fucking, her friends hanging, and I can sit on the couch and keep that thing moving with my bass drum foot, right, as

Speaker 2 I'm watching the games. It's like the greatest thing ever.
I watched like a whole first half of

Speaker 2 Northwestern Gonzaga. I'm just sitting there doing that movement.
It's the greatest thing ever.

Speaker 2 So if you've got a kid that's crying out there and the diaper's clean and they're full and all that, maybe they're just bored. Try something new, some new stimulus.

Speaker 2 Oh, that was so psyched.

Speaker 2 It's such a luxury to not have to be holding her every five seconds, you know what I mean? Because they're like these little fucking kettlebells. And they're hot as hell.

Speaker 2 They're like this hot water bottle. You know, they're getting all hot.
You're getting all fucked. It's just awful.

Speaker 2 It's like you're stuck in a crowded elevator.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I feel like I'm going through menopause. It's like the fucking hot flashes here.
Hot flashes.

Speaker 2 Anyways.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 let's do a little bit of...

Speaker 2 Let me read some of the advertising here, everybody.

Speaker 2 The advertising. What am I doing? Did I just open the maps? Why would I do that? All right.
That's the end of you guys listening to me read out loud. Well, at least advertising.

Speaker 2 Was there anything else I wanted to talk about before I fucking got into the goddamn.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. You know something? I'm going to be in San Jose.

Speaker 2 If anybody knows a good rehearsal space out there that has some good sounding drums, and I can maybe go over there for a day or something like that, because I don't get to, you know, I'm always on the practice pads here.

Speaker 2 And I miss playing drums, and I'm learning all this cool shit. And you know the deal, man.
I'd love to get those fucking V drums.

Speaker 2 It'd be nice if they hooked me up with a free one and I could talk to my listeners about how awesome they were. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, give me the fucking drums.

Speaker 2 But, you know, playing on a real kit, that's the real deal. You know, I love those electronic kits, but at the end of the day, they make you sound fucking amazing.

Speaker 2 You're like, am I the next John Bonham? I think I am. And then you get behind a real kit.
You're like, oh, wait a minute. I suck.
All right. Donut shop while while in San Jose.

Speaker 2 Hey, Bill, I know you've been in San Jose. Jose.
I know you'll be here coming up, and I think I know of a spot that's totally your style. It's called Stan's Donuts.

Speaker 2 I know you're cutting the carbs and shit, but goddamn, is it worth the extra elliptical time? Just an old school donut shop that's been around for decades and hasn't changed a bit.

Speaker 2 None of that crazy, soy-based, gluten-free, pomegranate fritter with cruelty-free bacon bullshit. Just the classics.
Chocolate, maybe an old-fashioned or jelly-filled. You fucking asshole.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to lose weight. Don't tell me about this place.

Speaker 2 But holy shit.

Speaker 2 The only one you need from stands is the plain glazed donut.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be there with Dean Del Rey. Oh, he's off sugar, so he won't do it.
They will give you a glazed donut so fresh it might burn your mouth if you aren't careful.

Speaker 2 And you can see them pulling them out of their fryer

Speaker 2 just behind the counter. Can't beat it, dude.

Speaker 2 My mom used to take me here before school when I was really little, and I came back for the first time in like 15 years the other day, and it's even better than I remembered.

Speaker 2 Well, you got a little child sense memory going on there.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God, dude. Why are you doing this to me? Immediately thought of you and that you'd like the old school feel of the place.
It's like five minutes from the San Jose Improv. Make it happen.

Speaker 2 Do it for Stan.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Well, I can tell you that's definitely happening.

Speaker 2 Well, you know what?

Speaker 2 I'm going to do a tour of San Jose, one of my city tours. We're definitely, I'm going to fucking go there.
I'm going to end there eating a fucking donut.

Speaker 2 Well, maybe I'll start there just hating myself.

Speaker 2 All right. Redskins.

Speaker 2 Redskins. I'm sitting here listening to your podcast from the

Speaker 2 past Monday, and I'm thinking about the Redskins. Keep the name, change the mascot,

Speaker 2 change the mascot to a potato.

Speaker 2 That's fucking hilarious. But that's not intimidating.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 The Redskins. Of course, their nickname would be the Hash Browns.

Speaker 2 But you know what? You know, Hash Browns are delicious.

Speaker 2 That's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 You know something? That's actually fucking brilliant. So you still call them the Redskins.
You change the mashed potato, the

Speaker 2 mascot, the mashed potato, the mascot to a fucking potato.

Speaker 2 You know something? That's one of the most brilliant fucking ideas I think that's ever been fucking

Speaker 2 sent in.

Speaker 2 God knows I've never said anything better than that. That's fucking brilliant.
Change it to a fucking potato.

Speaker 2 But then what do you have on the side of your helmet? Then you know what you do? You just go back to the old logo with the R on the side.

Speaker 2 And the feather hanging off is the red skin, like you peel the potato. You know that thing when people like, they peel and they go all the way around in a circle? it could be like that.

Speaker 2 Great idea. That's right there.
That's a funny motherfucker. I hope you're very successful in life.
Thank you for the

Speaker 2 that's fucking right. I didn't ever think of that.
I'm slipping as a comedian. All right, the Great Barrier Reef.

Speaker 2 By the way, did you hear Netflix is going to switch from the stars, from five stars to thumbs up, thumbs down?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Why would you do that?

Speaker 2 You know, because I give, you know, if it's just thumbs up, thumbs down. It's just such a wide

Speaker 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Thumbs up.

Speaker 2 Gourmet meal on the French Riviera.

Speaker 2 Watching the fucking, from a yacht, watching the fucking the end of a Formula One race in Monaco. Thumbs up.

Speaker 2 The godfather, thumbs up. Meatballs, thumbs up.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth, thumbs down.

Speaker 2 Adolf Hitler, thumbs down.

Speaker 2 I guess because they get the fucking ratings, it doesn't matter. But I mean, I like it.
I like it, lets me know.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Like, okay, people like this. How much do they like this?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Three stooges, thumbs up.
Schindler's list, thumbs up. I mean, it's just

Speaker 2 anything mean anything after that?

Speaker 2 All right, Great Barrier Reef.

Speaker 2 Hey, Billy boy,

Speaker 2 huge fan of the show. Thank you.
Remember, you were talking about the Great Barrier Reef a couple of weeks or months ago?

Speaker 2 Not really sure anymore. Too much weed, man.
Anyway, I saw this on the front page of the New York Times and thought you would enjoy shitting on Australia some more. I don't like shitting on Australia.

Speaker 2 I was just shitting on that guy.

Speaker 2 It basically says that huge sections of the Great Barrier Reef that stretch across hundreds of miles were recently found dead and they were killed by overheated salt water.

Speaker 2 I know this is coming from a liberal paper, but I think it's pretty clear evidence there is significant global warming. Anyway, you fat Ebola-ridden piece of shit.

Speaker 2 Love the podcast and keep on keeping on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I gotta be honest with you. I don't watch, I don't read up on a lot of the environmental stuff because it's too fucking depressing.
I love animals, man. I love the earth, man.

Speaker 2 I don't want to see fucking see life dying and all that shit.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know what this is.
There's just too many of us. It's just like,

Speaker 2 I think a plague is coming, or

Speaker 2 I actually think that the robots

Speaker 2 will be in control of the upper one percenters, and they will gradually take all of us out.

Speaker 2 And then what it will be will

Speaker 2 each one of those Illuminati guys will have their own own robot

Speaker 2 with all the answers. I mean, it's a fucking

Speaker 2 it can play guitar like Jimi Hendrix.

Speaker 2 It can design the most beautiful architecture. It's the greatest farmer.
It's just whatever you need it to fucking do, it can do. So you'll never go hungry.
You'll always be entertained.

Speaker 2 And on top of that, it'll be the best-looking chick you've ever seen in your life, and you can fuck its brains out.

Speaker 2 I mean, right there, if that's not going to be the extinction of all the regular people like myself, I think that that's what's going to happen. And then

Speaker 2 the earth will gradually cool.

Speaker 2 With all of our deaths, the Great Barrier Reef will come back

Speaker 2 and the upper 1% will have what they always wanted-complete control.

Speaker 2 But I actually think they'll get bored after a while.

Speaker 2 You know, there's nobody to oppress, there's nobody to look down on.

Speaker 2 You know, that's actually a fascinating fucking movie, wouldn't it be?

Speaker 2 Like, there's just no more challenge,

Speaker 2 right? And those robots know how to, like,

Speaker 2 you know, they can, like, grow an ear in a Petri dish. Eventually, they'll be able to grow all vitals.
You know what I mean? And then you can just live forever.

Speaker 2 What would you do?

Speaker 2 What would you do? There's a reason why you die. You just run out of shit.
What the fuck would you do?

Speaker 2 I would just keep learning shit.

Speaker 2 It's like, all right, for the next 80, like every 80 years, you just pick being something.

Speaker 2 All right, this 80 years, I'm going to be a gearhead. I'm going to learn how to take a whole fucking car apart, put it back together, make it fast, fast and loud.
I'll just learn how to do that shit.

Speaker 2 I'll have the robot right here. It knows everything.
It'll fucking teach me how to do it. And then, once I get it down, you know, and I do that for a while, you know,

Speaker 2 fucking learn every instrument, learn every language. You're eventually just going to run out of shit to do.

Speaker 2 And you just be looking at your robot, just going like, dude,

Speaker 2 I know this is fucking nuts. I know we've been together now, sweetheart, for fucking 800 years, but could you do me a favor?

Speaker 2 Do you want me to kick you in the balls?

Speaker 2 No, sweetheart, I don't. It'd be funny if they, if even though it looked totally real, it totally felt like a real person, but they could never perfect the voice, so it'd still fucking talk like that.

Speaker 2 You are the best I've ever had.

Speaker 2 Just like, bitch, stop talking.

Speaker 2 You're killing it for me.

Speaker 2 You'd have to just say to the fucking thing, look,

Speaker 2 800 years, okay? I'm coming up on 800 years.

Speaker 2 All right, I've lived more years than Hank Aaron hit home runs.

Speaker 2 Could you do me a favor?

Speaker 2 On my 800th birthday, I know what I want.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 Could you just choke me to death, please?

Speaker 2 Don't not compute. You know, and you just, they won't kill you.
And then your fucking, your punishment is that you live forever.

Speaker 2 You know, you're kind of like a vampire at that point, because you can kind of seduce any woman you want, because they're all going to be, you know,

Speaker 2 you're just going to get, you know what I bet? After a while, if you live long enough, you'd just start banging.

Speaker 2 You'd have you'd make like ugly chick robots, and you'd just bang them because you were so sick of banging tents. I mean, it's a fucking, it's a hell of a goddamn.

Speaker 2 I don't think human beings can survive on that. You just think of all the shit that's going to happen.

Speaker 2 All right, female comedians. What the fuck is this? I didn't know this was coming up.
All right. Hey, baby daddy billy boy, emailing from Dublin.

Speaker 2 Big fan of the podcast and stand-up. I've been watching a lot of stand-up specials over the last month.

Speaker 2 Recently, I'm making a concentrated effort to watch female comedians because all the comedians I'm a fan of are men. Unfortunately, I've struggled to find many who meet the mark.

Speaker 2 I just watched So-and-So's Netflix special, which was hilarious. Okay, then I'm going to say the name.
Kathleen Madigan. Yeah, she's the fucking real deal.
And she's a total hot shit. I love her.

Speaker 2 She's been fucking crushing it

Speaker 2 since I started.

Speaker 2 English comedian Joe Brand was also excellent, although I don't know if she's still active. Beyond all the others I've seen, all the others have been shit, in my opinion.

Speaker 2 My issue with this disparity is that I don't think men are funnier than women in general. The women in my life, like my girlfriend, my sister, and friends, are just as funny as my guy friends.

Speaker 2 In your experience, would you find male comedians funnier like myself? If so, why do you believe this is the case? Could it be the fact that the industry is so male-heavy?

Speaker 2 Are women comedians trying too hard to emulate their male counterparts? These are all questions I can't answer.

Speaker 2 I don't fuck it. I don't know what the deal is, and it's all your opinion.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm just an ignorant prick, but I feel like there's a female perspective in comedy that would speak to me that isn't met by the better-known female comedians. Either way, thanks for the laughs.

Speaker 2 Congrats to you and the lovely Nia on the little baby bird. Go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 I don't know, dude. It's like, you know, you know what it is? I just think it's like bands.
You're into a certain style of music and the other shit doesn't speak to you, so

Speaker 2 you don't go to that. But every once in a while, there's a band, you know, oh, fuck, I didn't think I liked country music.
I like this country music. I just think,

Speaker 2 I don't know what the deal is.

Speaker 2 I don't know why there's so much of that fucking talk.

Speaker 2 My shit is this: okay, if you're fucking funny, you're funny. If you're not funny, you're not funny.
Okay? And it's not the crowd's fault. It's not this, it's not the fucking Martians.

Speaker 2 It's you're not funny.

Speaker 2 And one of the things I've found with people, male and female, who aren't funny, is they fucking got every goddamn excuse in the book. And I just want to say, hey,

Speaker 2 hey, just go on stage

Speaker 2 and fucking kill.

Speaker 2 And all your problems will be solved.

Speaker 2 Go on stage and fucking kill. That's what it was.
You know, that's what it's always been.

Speaker 2 If you do that, all of these fucking issues that everybody, oh, there's this over here, there's that over here, there's a fucking liberal bias, there's all of this, it's all fucking bullshit.

Speaker 2 If you go on stage and you fucking kill, you're gonna get work.

Speaker 2 That's it. That's it.
So I don't know. Whatever.
I'm I'm so fucking sick of all of that.

Speaker 2 You know, are women funny? Are blah, blah, blah. To just lump everybody into a group

Speaker 2 is more. Just ask me,

Speaker 2 do you think Kathleen Madigan's funny? Just ask me that in that email. I think she's fucking hilarious.
I love her delivery. And you know I love about her? She can just stand there and be funny.

Speaker 2 I got to jump around, scream, and yell, act shit out. She can just stand there and fucking murder for an hour.

Speaker 2 And you know what's great too is you meet her and she's totally down to earth and she's fucking awesome. So there you go.

Speaker 2 That's the positive way of me getting out of that type of shit because I'm not walking into that. Like, why the fuck do you think I would answer any of that shit?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Look, what business are you in? Okay, why don't you shit on some people in your fucking

Speaker 2 arena? I don't want to do that. It's cannibalistic.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. I mean, there's so many fucking.
Do I got to like name funny female comics comics for you? Is that what I gotta fucking do now? I gotta do your fucking homework.

Speaker 2 All right, feeling in love with

Speaker 2 my lesbian best friend. Hey, Billy Dad bought.
Oh, Jesus, you're so fucking right. I'm a huge fan of all your shit.

Speaker 2 Why are you calling it shit? I'm an artist.

Speaker 2 I loved your new special. I need some advice.
I'm a young guy, and I haven't even tried to get into a relationship in a few years because my last one turned into a fucking nightmare.

Speaker 2 Anyways, over the past year, I've been hanging out with this lesbian and we've grown close. Oh, Jesus, dude.

Speaker 2 This is the ultimate.

Speaker 2 This is the ultimate just

Speaker 2 cold case file, dude.

Speaker 2 You're chasing leads that aren't even there. She's amazing and my best friend.
The problem is, I find myself growing more and more attracted to her by the day. We've talked about having a threesome,

Speaker 2 which makes me think she might want to fuck me, but doesn't want to admit it to herself oh strike everything that i just said dude you you have fucking walked into paradise i am happy for you my friend god bless you god fucking bless you i hope this fucking turns out the way i think it's going to i'm so you this just made the rest of my day that someone's in this situation right now

Speaker 2 lately she's been trying to get me a girlfriend probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. What the fuck do I do, Bill? Please help me and go fuck yourself.
What do I do?

Speaker 2 Dude, I've never been in this situation. I'm living vicariously through you.
What do you do? Don't fuck it up.

Speaker 2 Dude, okay, wait a minute. Who's been in this situation? And don't fucking lie to me.
Send in what this guy can do so he doesn't fuck this up. Oh, dude.

Speaker 2 God fucking bless you.

Speaker 2 What do you do?

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus. Okay, what the fuck would I do?

Speaker 2 I don't know, man. You know what I would do? I'd go out drinking with her, right?

Speaker 2 And I would fucking, all right, pick somebody out. Who do you like?

Speaker 2 You go up, you strike a conversation. You know what I mean? Maybe she strikes up the conversation so the fucking other lady keeps their defensive shield down.

Speaker 2 You know, okay, this is what you do, dude. You get into great fucking shape, okay? You got to help out your lesbian girlfriend, okay? You get yourself a new fucking wardrobe.

Speaker 2 You got to look right when you're going out. You put on a pair of fucking meundies, okay?

Speaker 2 You eat blue apron for a goddamn month. You shed some fucking pounds.
You put on some meundis. You dress fucking right.
Okay? Give your lesbian friends something to work with.

Speaker 2 Are there any lesbians listening to this fucking podcast? How does this go down?

Speaker 2 Hey, Nia!

Speaker 2 Fuck. Maybe she knows.
Hang on a second. Let me hit pause.

Speaker 2 You know what I realized? You know what I realized? She's going to come in here

Speaker 2 holding my daughter, and we can't talk about this shit when she's here. All right? Well, I'm going to have to put this.
This one I can't do. Okay.
And I went to, oh, there's a fucking podcast.

Speaker 2 She's never going to be on again. No.

Speaker 2 My daughter's developing. Eventually, she'll be playing with toys.
She can sneak in here and she can answer some goddamn questions. All right.
There you go.

Speaker 2 Or

Speaker 2 I don't know how to do it. Anyways, dude, just

Speaker 2 I don't know what to tell you, dude. I'm so fucking excited.
I can't even think straight right now. God bless you.
I hope this fucking works out, man.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I want to hear the fucking story.

Speaker 2 Okay, lately, she's been trying to get me a girlfriend, probably, so this sexual tension can be redirected.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, so basically every once in a while she doesn't mind banging a guy as long as there's, you know, you know what it's like? It's like you're going out to a restaurant, right?

Speaker 2 She's going to order one thing, you're going to order the other thing, but she's going to take a couple of fucking, you know, a couple spoonfuls off of your plate. That's what's going to happen here.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God, this is fucking tremendous.

Speaker 2 Fucking tremendous. God bless you, dude.
I have no advice. I've never been in that situation.
It's tremendous. All right.
Good luck to you. All right, everybody.
Go fuck yourselves.

Speaker 2 I'll talk to you on Thursday, and I'll check in on you on Thursday. And thank you to everybody.
My shows are sold out in San Jose. I'm doing two Monday, two Tuesday, two Wednesday.

Speaker 2 I'm working with the great Dean Del Rey. We're going to fucking kill it when we're up there.

Speaker 2 And also, I need to hype this show I have coming up. I'm doing a fucking, we'll send the link out

Speaker 2 on March,

Speaker 2 where the fuck am I going? I'm doing this MS benefit and they're honoring Richard Pryor. And it's on March 25th, 7 p.m.
out here in Los Angeles. I'll put up the link for tickets and all that.

Speaker 2 I believe we just tweeted it out.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be co-hosting with Craig Gass. There's going to be all these amazing musicians there.
It's going to be a great night for a great cause. I hope you guys can make it down.

Speaker 2 That's a Saturday night. Come on.
Come on down. There's a fucking taco truck down.

Speaker 1 There's gonna be a great time. All right.
That's it for fucky sells. I'll check in on you on Thursday.