The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in. How are you? Checking in on you.
What's going on? I had an interesting morning. I was on The View this morning.
The View. And you know what's hilarious? I told my lovely wife.
I put the fan on. It's fucking hot as shit in here.
I told my wife that I was going to be the lovely Nia. She goes, what are you doing tomorrow? And I was like, I got to do the view.
She goes, what? She goes, who the fuck booked you on that?

I go, what are you talking about? She goes, all the dumb shit you've said about women. What the fuck are you going on? We both just started laughing.
I go, I don't know. I think it's going to be all right or whatever.
And I went in and it was great. I had a great time.
And I got to tell you a funny Joy Behar story that I never told. I'm going to make it vague because I don't want to get, you know, I don't want to say the whole thing.
But one time, whatever, our paths crossed, right? So I'm talking to her. She's cool as shit, right? And there there was some other comedian there you know and uh for whatever reason he started like trying to pick on her or whatever and uh and the dude was a really funny dude and he started picking on her in the effortless way that she like trashed this dude it was what's that martial like a keto, you know, where you use their energy, they come flying at you like they're going to kick your ass and all of a sudden you send them flying across the room.
It was just me, her, and this other comedian and she just mopped the floor with him and like, I don't think her heartbeat went up even like half a beat per minute like it was it was fucking effortless and i was like holy shit and then i thought about it i'm thinking like well when she came up you know as much as females comics talk about now how hard it is for female when she came up like i mean it was like ridiculous so like the level of tough that you had to be. I don't think that this comedian understood like what she had already like that.
He was nothing to her. And anyway, I brought it up to her during the break today.
And I got to give her a hug and thank her for the free comedy show. It's one of was one of my.
just one of those moments I won't forget where it's like I don't know

I don't know hug and thank her for the free comedy show it's one of was one of my um just one of those moments

i won't forget where it's where like like wow it's so cool to be in this business that i was in this room when that happened um oh my god she fucking destroyed that guy top to bottom destroyed the guy and then the dude left and then he came back in and i remember she just goes she just looks you know she was talking to me and he comes in and then she just barely glances at him she just goes where'd you go and he goes uh you know i went outside to have a cigarette she just looks at him she goes you smoke too after she had just eviscerated everything that he was doing and just oh it was it was a fucking work of art um i've told so many comedians the detailed story of that so that's what you get on this podcast all right you ain't in the locker room so So I ain't naming names, but it was, uh, it was amazing. So it was cool to go back on there.
And, uh, um, I don't know. There you go.
There you go. I'm doing, I'm, I'm, I'm playing the game, man.
I'm promoting Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, which by the way, this is, um, our first sort of full week here. Uh, we did two shows yesterday.
Uh, we have matinees on Wednesdays and we have matinees on Saturdays. And I got to tell you, man, it's...
I was thinking, oh, two shows, that's going to be a lot of work. It's just sort of like fun times too.
So then you do like the matinee. And I get like...
I was like amped up to do the matinee, you know everybody oh it's a matinee crowd and you know there's gonna be a lot of blue hairs out there fuck that fuck that maybe they wanted to go at night and they couldn't because of their flight or maybe they fucking i don't know maybe they couldn't get tickets let's kick this shit out of them but toured the afternoon on a wednesday and um you know guys were going up trying out like different ways of doing lines which really keeps it exciting every night and last night on the second show Kieran did this line to me and he legit made me laugh and I was trying so hard to like hold it. And I looked at Bob and he had this smirk on his face.
And I almost, I almost broke, which would have been, I don't know what I would have done because my character is supposed to be pretty heated there. But like the shit that we're saying to each other is just so fucking horribly disrespectful that it's like, you know, it's also like funny.
It's what I've been trying trying to explain to people it's like you know a lot of the shit that we say like if somebody actually said it to you you would be offended but to watch somebody say it to somebody else is like really uh it's really funny so um anyway uh we're cruising right along and the crowds have been great.

I did want to do stand up last night, but I went to go jump on the subway.

Kind of fucking annoyed me.

I went down the stairs and these people were coming up and they don't say anything to me.

And I go all the way down the stairs and the fucking turnstiles had like the police tape on it.

Like they weren't using it.

It's like, you could have fucking said something, you cunts.

and I go down there and then it smelled horrifically

We and the fucking, the turnstiles had like the police tape on it, like they weren't using it. It's like, you could have fucking said something, you cunts.
And I go down there, and then it smelled horrifically, horrifically of fucking urine. I gotta tell you, that fucking Bloomberg, man, he fucked his city up so goddamn bad with this bullshit.
Like, taking a cab now, it's slower than walking. He completely eviscerated Broadway.
He stuck fucking tables and chairs in the middle of the fucking street. And I was walking through Times Square and there was this fucking guy sitting there.
Like, drug addict, homeless or whatever. He was picking a scab to the left of his navel.
And whatever he was picking off his fucking exposed belly, he was wiping on the table. I think Bloomberg's heart was in the right place.

But it's like, dude, you can't completely abandon

the public educational system,

let our food supply be turned into poison,

and give us these stupid iPhones,

and think that you just...

And then simultaneously, you're just going to throw

tables and chairs in the street, and it's going to become Paris. It's not how it works.
Alright? We're fucking animals. You got to bring us inside first and get us house trained before you try to recreate as they do on Instagram.
You ever see that when Americans try to recreate the cafe experience in America? You ever see those things? It's fucking hilarious because, you know, even like a lot, a lot of big cities, like there's not a lot of good, like sitting out on the sidewalk and watching people go by. That's why I kind of like, you know, the parks and stuff, you know, um, you get like a nice park bench.
There's people going by either cutting through the park, working out, fucking weirdos, musicians, sociopath, fucking, you know, Wall Street tech guys, you know. You just look at them going like, I wonder if they have like a solid platinum axe in their house.
And they listen to Huey Lewis.

I know that scene is fucking nuts, but how sick is that fucking axe?

Anyway, plowing ahead here.

I'm totally into fucking MotoGP. i've had the time being out here uh to get into this stuff um uh what is it code is next right circuit of the americas down there in austin unfortunately i won't be able to make the race this year um because i'm working here in new york obviously but very excited about that and uh you know i want to see it's like this you know mark marquez thing is just crazy he's literally won everything he's gotten both sprints won both races was pole position on both it's just been the mark markets parade but i'm kind of excited that his brother has been able to he's the only guy that's been able to keep up with them so i gotta think on one of these you know because the same thing happened on both races the first race he let alex pass him so he wouldn't chew up his and he just sort of rode behind him um until he just makes his decision that I'm gonna pass you and he just does I was watching this whole cool video on like his ability how late he breaks and how it puts all of this weight on the front of the bike and then how he transfers it at the last second to the back break

i don't know what he's doing which helps him dive into the turn and then roll on the throttle when

he comes out but um it's uh it's like an art it's like an artist it's it's unbelievable so um

i don't know we'll we'll see uh We'll see where that goes.

So, anyway.

Oh, fucking Billy in shape.

I'm still going to the big gay gym, man.

Underrated.

Joining a big gay gym.

The level of shape that gay guys are in.

It's, like, motivational.

Like, you come in there and you're like,

I am a...

No matter what shape you're in,

you feel like you got a dad bod. You know.
But then after standing next to the gay guys, you feel fucking horrible. But then when you hang out with dads, you're like, oh, dude, I look fucking great.
I think all of those gay dudes in there, because men are visual creatures, they literally have to go in there and be in the Calvin Klein underwear shape. That's what the fuck they're going for.
If you just go to a gym in the suburbs, every guy in there is just trying to get rid of his man tits. If he doesn't have man tits, if his chest is sticking out a little further than his stomach, he's like, I fucking look all right.
I like those guys with the belly and they go, but look, it's solid. It's fucking solid.
It's like, that's the fat. It's calcified.
Those aren't abs. I remember a long time ago, a guy used to say that.
He used to talk about how fucking hard his stomach was. And we used to believe it years later they did a study going like well you know when the fat's in there long enough it starts to like it starts to get like petrified and i don't mean scared i'm talking more like uh some dinosaur shit um so anyway only got one show tonight which, uh, been playing a little bit of drums and some guitar.
All right. So here is, here I am with my guitar.
Um, I'm trying to learn one Angus Young guitar solo. So I'm trying to learn the solo from You Shook Me All Night Long.
And I'm hoping in learning that and trying to figure out what notes I'm actually playing rather than just doing like the tab thing or have some YouTube guy. I mean, I am watching a YouTube guy who's showing me how to do it.
But like, I'm hoping that that's going to, I don't know, open up something else. But it's a fucking, it's a hard instrument for me.
Drums just a like, I don't know, open up something else. But it's a hard instrument for me.
Drums just are like, I don't know. I just always related to them.
I think because I came from playing sports, it just felt more like a physical thing where guitar is just like the intricacies of it and the vibrato and bending strings and um i don't know and then just that confusing

like the guitar to me in my brain what is that that old accounting

tool where they would have like those beans you know they call them bean counters right they would

have like the beans on on like almost like uh like a clothing line where you would like

Thank you. you know they call them bean counters right they would have like the beans on on like almost like uh like a clothing line where you would like dry clothes i know you guys know what the fuck i'm talking about i don't know what the hell it is and they would just sit there moving the beans around and you're looking at it going like how the fuck does that make any sense i always looked at the fretboard like that you know like even when you go to tune the guitar you know as you're going down's that fucking, you get to the G string, which always goes out of tune.
And then all of a sudden you're pressing down on the fourth fret to get a B. Everything else is the fifth fret the whole way down, except for that.
And then when like, I don't know, when you're kind of moving up the neck of the guitar, like it's all the same, all the same, all the same. Then you get to like the B string or the G string.

And then it's not your first finger.

It's the middle finger.

I don't know.

It's, it's, I don't know.

It's confusing. As I just explained,

that is how confused I am when,

when I play the guitar,

but I'm trying to push myself outside of it. When I fucking time when I when I stop being media boy here um I got to uh I got to sign up for that Dave Kushner master class because he gets into guitar theory and shit like that and I'm hoping it's going to help me um I also did the tonight show the other night so first of all thank you everybody everybody at the view the ladies on it could not have been nicer they were sweethearts and um everyone's tonight show was cool and i'll tell you this underrated i don't know if you can buy this is the tonight show sweatshirt that they give you i usually give the merch away but i looked at that sweatshirt and i'm like oh my that looks like, that's like walking around wearing a pillow.
So I actually wore it yesterday. Like, you feel like a douche wearing like a TV credit that you have walking down the street.
Like, if you're a writer on the show, it's cool to have like a Tonight Show sweatshirt on. But if you actually did the show, you look like a douche.
But I still wore it. That's like how comfortable the sweatshirt is.

Weren't you on the Tonight Show? Yes, I was. You can read it right on my sweatshirt.
So it's my new favorite sweatshirt. My two favorite sweatshirts are that one and then a few years ago, me and my lovely wife we rented a trailer

like a few years ago me and my lovely wife we rented a trailer like one of those all silver ones that the hipsters redo whatever you call them we stayed in a trailer for two days in the Santa Monica mountains and we came down the hill and we went there to get some food, right? And I bought a Malibu sweatshirt, like a tourist. It was funny because Bartnick was making fun of my sweatshirt going, that's like a rich person sweatshirt.
I go, no, it isn't. I go, this sweatshirt said I was passing through Malibu.
If you live in Malibu, you don't wear a shirt that says Malibu. You know? If you're a tourist, you want to prove that you were there.
Like, nobody who lives in Paris or lives in New York, you don't wear, like, one of those fucking New York City, you know, duck motherfucker. Or that fuck you, you fucking fuck.
They'll say, tourists buy that shit. So I was a tourist, and I acted appropriately.
And I bought a Malibu sweatshirt. And it is the most fucking, those two really comfortable.
That's what it is when you get older. You know, when you're younger, you want to be a badass.
The older you get, you want to be like comfortable. And then like, and then fat people.
Like they, they comfort over everything.

I'll still, if I have to get dressed up, I'll put on something uncomfortable, like a tie or some shit.

But fat people, they don't give a fuck.

Fat people will show up to a funeral in sweatpants and Crocs.

And then I love, you always go like, dude, what the fuck are you wearing? This is a wake. You know, I don't know.
I just like being comfortable. It's like, dude, that's, you're fat.
That's what it is. You can't, like, how, you know, how far are you going to take this, dude? You're so out of shape, you're wearing sweatpants and Crocs to a fucking wake.

What are we doing? You didn't even wear your black Crocs.

You could have been more respectful.

Can't come in here wearing lime green Crocs.

And then try to play it off like, well, he was a festive guy.

You know, we saw the light. Fuck you.
You got fat feet. Your feet are fat.
It is funny, like, when you look at, like, clothes and shit. Like, um, I've kept myself in pretty decent shape my whole life, so I have yet to have to buy Skechers i feel like um once you get sketchers once you buy your first pair of sketchers that's like you're in your aarp card years and i have one of those motherfuckers and i always forget to use it you're supposed to be able to use it at a movie theater and get a get a discount got a buddy of mine.
He just swears by the thing. Like he told me to get my, when you turn 50, you can get it right.
If these fucking lunatics don't get rid of, don't get rid of that too. I know they're getting rid of like social security.
I heard of something. I don't know.
I don't know. I wish these fucking assholes that are in power right now.
It's like, all right, so you're looking at the government, justify yourself. Are you ever going to get around to insurance companies? Are you going to get around to banks? Are you going to get around to the people that poison the food supply? Are we going to figure out why Bill Gates decides that we're going to have plastic on our apples and he has his own private orchard, I imagine? You think he's eating those fucking things? How the fuck are you a philanthropist when you're fucking feeding plastic apples to babies?

That shit used to just be like that shit from the 70s. It was like a place setter.

You have in the middle and it was fake wax fruit.

Now they're making you eat it.

Eat it, you stinking pig.

What movie?

Over the Edge.

One of the greatest lines ever.

That chick running out. the globe out of the science room and the cops locked in in the assembly hall and he's looking out and she runs by and comes back and she squats down with the globe and delivers arguably the greatest line in cinema history eat it you, you stinking pig.
And then she fucking... They had to make...

They had to make sure they would

hold on to their PG rating.

I mean, eat it, you

fucking pig. You stinking pig.

That poor actress, man.

They gave her a James Cagney.

Or Edward G. Robinson you you stinking pigs all you guys man um anyway plowing ahead here uh yeah so this is my deal if i'm not lifting at the gym i get on the elliptical the balliptical you know and then I go over and I do the speed bag, you know, to help with my hand-eye coordination.
That's, I don't know, I'm just going to be, I'm just going to go over there and just keep doing that and see if I can, during this play, finally get rid of this fucking double cheeseburger that's just fucking hanging on me. I don't know.
So anyway, I'm going to do some stand-up tonight. Oh, Billy's going to get out there.
I got some new fucking bits. I got some new ideas.
I got some shit that I want to do. I don't have any advertising, so I have to keep babbling.
Usually this is right now when I want to just read like an ad. I actually was dealing with a little bit of depression last night.
I've been starting to read the paper a little bit more. You know.
I got the New York Times, right? Because I'm a meathead. I'm always getting the post or the daily news, and I just flip it over, and I read the sports section.
Because the front section of the post and the daily news is just garbage. It's so politically slanted.
It's literally like, what if CNN and Fox News had a fucking paper, right? So I'm not reading that shit, right? And I know you go, oh, fucking lefty liberal. I get it.
I get New York Times as lefty liberal. But there's also information that I wasn't aware, that is going on in the world that I wasn't aware of.
Shout out to the people of South Korea that stopped that dude from, he was going to try to impose martial law.

And he was going to arrest his opponent in the race or something like that.

And the opponent pleaded to the people to come down there.

He almost, and this fucking guy that wanted martial law, he almost did it.

All he needed was like a hundred troops and they almost came in and did it.

But they were able to stop it. And now the dude who tried to have martial law.
He got fucking arrested. You know.
It was like an episode of Batman. Way back in the day.
Where you know. The Joker.
The Riddler. Or whatever.
The Penguin. They would start out.
And they would have control of Gotham. And then by the end of the episode.
Whatever they had hatched. Ended up backfiring on them.
So that's good to see. It's good to see people saying we don't want this, getting together and stopping something.
It's nice to see that that can still happen. Because I've kind of had this epiphany where if you listen to any politicians, if you watch any of the 24-hour news networks or if you go on social media, it's like these people are all screaming like their heads are on fire.
But then you walk out of the house and everybody's like chill. Like, hey, man, how's it going? Hey, it's going pretty good.
You think it's going to rain today? Hey, no, I don't know. So I'm like, you know what? Why don't I walk away from all of this crazy shit? And, you know, because paying attention to it doesn't seem to be doing anything for me other than making me fucking feel like I'm crazy.
I will tell you what I want to do is uh I talked about this earlier in the years I want to do a gig over in Tokyo and I want to line it up with uh they got this somewhere later on this year they got like uh what would you call it like almost like a car show but a motorcycle show of all like those racers. I'm kind of obsessed with Hondas and Suzuki's and Yamaha's in the seventies.
I used to love those fucking bikes. I fucking loved those bikes.
And I remember Harleys, all the Harleys in the seventies. Those guys were just fucking scary.
Like dude, legit fucking lunatics rode Harleys when I was growing up. Like, your dad didn't get a fucking Harley, you know? Like, outlaws.
People with tattoos when it fucking meant something, you know? When you got a tattoo and you couldn't get rid of it. Like, I don't know what I was thinking.
I just want to be a blank slate. I'm starting over.
Like, you couldn't do that back then. Like, whatever the fuck you got was there for life.
And, yeah, those things just, like, the Harleys just look mean, Mad Max or whatever. But, like, I remember the Suzuki's, the Yamaha's, the Honda's.
Like, that shit looked fun. And I loved, like, the brake lights on them.
I loved the design of them. The seats, the gas tank, the whole thing.
And they have, you know, obviously Japan's the one that made them. So they have this whole scene out there.
The same way you would go to a car show out here where they have all like the muscle cars and stuff. They have these incredible shows out there where all these kids restore these bikes.
And they're literally driving works of art, I feel, down the street. And also I heard the coffee in Japan is like...
I got a buddy of mine who lives there now. He said it's like next level.
So I'm kind of up for that. Anyway, I started to watch this crazy movie another car movie see if i can find it i had to take a picture of it because i had never heard of it and um what the hell is it here go into photos Let me see here.
Oh, God, I hate when that happens.

You know when somehow you're taking photos in your pocket and then you have like 18 just like blank photos and then you get all paranoid? Like, did I erase all of my photos? God damn it. I'm not going to be able to find it.
What was the of that movie it was something about these guys they were like driving it was about them driving fast cars up Mulholland Drive ah shit I'm not going to be able to find it you know what i apologize i'm bringing it up and now i can't find it i will i will get you the name of this movie um i will tell you this uh houston punchline rory scovel is there uh tonight and tomorrow or the 20th through the 22nd so the 20th was yesterday 21 22 yeah so uh definitely go down there and check that guy out he's one of the funniest fucking human beings comedians i've ever met and he's so smart and so fucking silly all at the same time like that's like one of my favorite things ever is when a smart person um is acting silly and he's just okay oh i found it i found it king of the mountain 1981 and uh all right so it's all about these guys and they're they're they're up there you know racing cars but anyways rory scovill you got to go see this guy okay i'm letting you guys know because i'm getting tired of this shit where you know the internet does not reward the funniest person the internet rewards who's the best at the internet so if you want to know who the best comics are out there start asking your comics that have podcasts because you know we're in the clubs all night now every night i should say so we know who the funny guys are rory fucking scovel and he's an incredible actor too he did a little part for us in old dads and he was killing me um i just think he's such an incredible talent and he's so fucking unique and so silly and super smart. You know, and it's an intense time.
So, you know, you want to go down and just have a good time and just forget about life or whatever or just go have a good laugh. You had a tough week.
Go check him out at the Punchline in Houston. Rory Scovel.
I'm Bill Burr and I support this message. All right.
That's the podcast, everybody. Um, thank you for listening.
Thank you to everybody that's been, um, coming out to, uh, the, uh, Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross shows. Uh, also, um, I have a show in England at the, uh, I don't know where the fuck it is, the Apollo, I think.
Benefit for Parkinson's disease. It's sold out.
I have a special guest that is opening on that show. I will eventually let you know.
It's a musical guest. It's going to be fun.
You know, this has to do with my love for, uh, Glenn Tipton and Judas Priest.

So I know this other musician that is also a fan of the band wants to come and we're

going to have some fun before my set or whatever.

Little teaser there, as they say in the business.

All right.

That's it.

Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themilis.

And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning

podcast.

All right, that's it.

Have a great weekend.

You cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast For Monday Fucking March 19th, dude I'm in a great mood Boo-boo-boo great mood you fucking took my fucking dick um i'm gonna i don't know why i just sang that song i just been watching a bunch of fucking old you know i listen to old country now and then i started listening to old fucking rock and roll you know what's his face just died the guy used to fucking film chicks that he shit on or something whatever his name is chuck berry uh whoa yeah you know it's part of one of his classics if you listen to the background you can hear him shitting on people i have such respect for him too you know it's just once stuff like that gets out once it gets out um anyway so i've just been uh i'm in a great fucking mood because my fucking shoulder i had this uh rotator cuff injury and it's just been fucking with me since um october and i finally found an exercise it works for me.
For me, I just feel like for my shoulder. My shoulder needs a safe place.
People on the internet are mean. A lot of crying out there.
All right. So this is the exercise.
if your rotator cuff is fucked up like mine is the problem is is if you can look with this injury it's like you can still pick up the same amount of weight you can always pick up depending on the angle but then shaking hands or just reaching for a salt shaker all of a sudden you're like this sharp pain it's basically what I've learned is it's the muscle like it's when you first go to raise your arm that first 30 degrees that's what the fuck it is and then the big boys take over whatever you're doing how you lifting your lunch pail up maybe you got a giant fucking donut you want to shove into your face like I did today I broke my rules about donuts. know my uh my wife uh was wanting some donuts so i went by there's a dunkin donuts out here right so i show up and it's late in the day it's like fucking two in the afternoon so all the donuts are gone you know they're still making them but they they don't have you know they don't have that freshness to them they got those you know the little munchkins they had like the worst flavors left it was like blueberry custard and fuck your mother whatever the fuck it was called and i was like that's what you got left they were like yeah i think i left this is after the people in front of me could not make up their mind you know can we get a dozen donuts and they lay them down now that's how long it's been since I've seen anybody get a dozen donuts.
They lay them down. Back in the day, they stood them up.
And the frosting from one donut got on another donut. You know? And evidently, with all the iPhones coming out, somebody finally decided, why don't we make the box a different shape and we'll lay them down? And I imagine the Steve Jobs of Dunkin' Donuts went to some sort of Comic-Con of fat people and he came out in a turtleneck sweater with his fucking New Balance sneakers and he fucking showed off the box and everybody went, oh my God, right? Their fucking man tits bouncing up and down.
And you think he gave credit to the poor little fucking eight-year-old in the back room who had to put those things together huh the blind nine-year-old girl who fucking designed the box down in fucking east albuquerque you think he gave him any credit of course he didn't of course he didn't oh look who's here my two angels cutie number one and cutie number two what's up buddy hey this is some bad language in here she can't understand it anyways what's going on do you want to be on the podcast nini sure we'll grab a mic go go go go you shake my nerve and you rattle my brain um yeah you got to grab stuff in the bag anyway so what do you mean what did I do I know I know come back in a minute I'm in the middle of this story alright bye cutie you know that fucking guy trying to make the donuts that was just an actor so anyway so I call up nia okay and i just go yeah they don't have any fucking donuts that their donuts suck there anyways and she went oh my god she goes blasphemy a guy from boston which i'm not i'm from the boston area i'm from the safe suburbs all right so you can take your goodwill hunting fucking quotes and i you talk tell them to somebody else because i grew up in a nice suburb. There was cul-de-sacs.
We played street hockey. We roasted marshmallows.
All right? There was no, it's not your fault. There was none of that shit.
Nobody liked apples and I sucked at math, okay? That's it. I climbed trees and I had a paper route.
Okay? So enough with the Southie shit. Anybody from Massachusetts is not from South Boston.
We didn't steal cars. Okay? A lot of us are from the suburbs.
We slept in bunk beds. I'm so sick of that fucking movie.
Where are you from? You just say, you know, I'm from Massachusetts. Southie? Did you grow up in Southie? Did you like apples? Did you say how about them apples down at the Tasty? Like some fucking stuck up Harvard cunt is going to mess with anybody ever from fucking well back the way south boston used to be now there are harvard grads that live down there from what i've heard i have no idea i don't know what goes on in that city okay last time i lived there they they were just starting the big dig and that big ugly green thing was still there and going from faneuil hall over to the north end you took your life in your your hands.
You just felt it. You went underneath the fucking Southeast Expressway.
And it was scary, you know? Anyways, what the fuck? So I call her up and I just say, yeah. I go, the donuts suck.
And she goes, oh, my God. She goes, a Boston guy saying Dunkin' Donuts sucks.
That's blasphemy. It's like, Nia, nobody gives a fuck about their donuts.
It's all about the coffee. All right? I don't drink the coffee.
I don't drink coffee. I don't drink coffee i don't like it tastes like dirty water it burns my tongue it stains your teeth it's just it's a fucking it's the trifecta of you know i guess it helps you take a shit though i know a lot of people like you know i drink a coffee smoke a cig take a good shit get on with my day you know have a french fucking cur's all about the, like, their bread and butter is the coffee.
Okay, that's the lead singer. That's, like, if Dunkin' Donuts broke up and the coffee went solo, all right, that's the George Michael.
And the donuts are the, whatever that other guy's name was, Andrew Ridgely. Anyway, so I go, yeah, fuck that place.
So, oh, yeah, the people in front of me, they couldn't make up their goddamn mind. Like, what do you want? What's in those? Oh, can we get two? Let's get three of those.
They kept talking to each other. We'll get three of the pink ones.
And I was already having a bad day because I keep my truck in storage now because we got the little one. It's just easier for my wife to get in and out of the garage.
And I knew if I kept my truck there and she always had to squeeze by it and try and get the fucking stroller and all that shit, you know what's going to happen. Eventually she's going to be like, be like i don't know what do we need three cars for and eventually she's going to make me sell it so i did a preemptive strike and i immediately put it in fucking storage before she could bitch about it so i had it over the last fucking like five days loving so i just switch out all right i put jackie in storage and i take out the old girl right and i drove her for like five fucking days and of course the battery died because i forgot to unhook the uh the terminals there had to get a jump down at the comedy store um and uh anyway so i'm going to return the car today and it's the day before i go on the road so we have a rule in my house in my house there is a rule um that basically the day before i go on the road i it's family day i hang out you know i make breakfast i made some fucking meatballs i cook the goddamn chicken i make sure she's got food in the fridge you know i'm a hell of a dad so i make sure she's gonna be all right right so I go, all right, I my truck she's like when are you gonna be back i'm like i'm gonna be back soon all right so i get in the truck and i do what i always do i drive down the i gotta move fucking you know i gotta move her car i become like a valet because i have the shittiest driveway ever right so i'm fucking driving up the street and And as always, big, stupid grin on my face.

It's my favorite thing ever. It's three on the tree.
It's so much fun to drive.

And whenever I get a little bit of space out here, I just get to fucking run through all three gears.

That's all I want to do. Every time I do, I get right.
And when the second I get it into third gear,

I always have the window down. Even though I put some AC in there, I never fucking you.

I didn't use it for so long. I turned it on.
All this white shit came out and I breathed it in and probably took like fucking nine years off my life. Anytime I get it up into third gear and I'm cruising down the street, I always do the same thing.
I always go, woo! Every time. I never did that once in nine years of owning my Prius, ever.
It's just, it's the greatest sound in the fucking world. It's the sound of a big fucking American engine making it great, running through the fucking gears, loud pipes.
It's the greatest fucking sound ever. And every time I get through, I go up the street, right? So I'm having a great time.'m driving on the street i got the am radio on i usually listen to queshaun johnson's fucking sports show but you know it's the weekend so it wasn't on and anyways i get on to um you know i get onto the fucking highway and of course i'm cruising along and right before we get to i get to my exit it is just like this traffic from fucking it's like five in the afternoon traffic of a fucking truck jack knife it is just of course my exit and i told the people i'd be over there by noon so i'm starting to feel stressed i'm like what the fuck is going on so i try to make a fucking you know a boston move here right even though i'm from the suburbs a massachusetts move i'm gonna go around all this shit, act like I'm going to drive by and then I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So I try to make a fucking, you know, a Boston move here, right? Even though I'm from the suburbs, a Massachusetts move.
I'm going to go around all this shit, act like I'm going to drive by and then I'm going to fucking cut in. And I don't know what the fuck was going on.
I couldn't see any, any accident. So I'm trying to go from one highway to another.
So I know what I'll do. I'll just fucking rather than go East like I want to, I'll just get on the West side.
I'll take the highway West, Go down one exit. And then I'll curl back around.
Because I can see on the overpass. There's no fucking traffic.
I don't know whether it was like this offshoot to the on ramp. That everyone was going down.
I don't know what the. Paul Simon was doing a free concert or some shit.
That was the level of traffic. So I say fuck fuck it.
I get out of the traffic. I drive down, get it up to third gear.
I fucking go to go west to turn one fucking block, one exit up and then come back around. And as I fucking go there, all of a sudden, this is all this other traffic going the other direction.
And this is the first time time since i started meditating that i had an absolute meltdown i literally screamed as loud as i possibly could fuck you la every fucking cock sucking motherfucking cunt fucking every word you could possibly think you know and then i'm fucking just stuck in even worse traffic going the other way to go one fucking exit, you know, up to come back around. And all I'm thinking is where the fuck I would be if I just, just took the pain to begin with and just stayed in that traffic jam.
I'd be creeping forward and whatever. Why didn't I just call the place and say I was going to be a little late? Oh, you know what, Bill? Because that would have been the chill thing to do, right? I didn't.
So it turns out I look up. I'm like, what the? This is like, it's Saturday at noon.
How is there five o'clock in the afternoon on Friday traffic? I am like literally beside myself. Just saying every curse I possibly can.
And I look up and there's two little flashers going on and it's tow truck flashers right and i'm like oh here we go hey this is all rubbernecking and on the other side of the road it's fucking going you know like gangbusters everybody's cruising by that's where i want to be it's right fucking there right and i can't get to it So I'm like you Fucking Fucking rubber neck

And piece of it's right fucking there right and i can't get to it so i'm like you fucking fucking rubberneck and peace this what's something me changing a tire it's going to be a fender bender and i'm losing my shit now damn if i was a fucking dictator i would deliberately have a car on the side of the road changing a tire who never slowed down and looked at it would be eliminated would be removed from society fed to the fucking pigs whatever the hell is whatever that fat fucking north korea does to his goddamn relatives feeds them to dogs that's what i would do i was actually i was so fucking mad i was like you know that fat fucking north korea he's actually making sense to me you know so i get all the way up i should be careful man he might send somebody over here to miss me um did to his other, you know, he set up those two fucking whores over there, right? To take out his fucking stepbrother. So anyways, I get all the way up to the traffic jam.
And of course, it's a little fender bender. There's people standing there.
There's nothing going on. But I'm finally going to get past it.
Finally going to get off the exit, come around, and fucking run through the gears and fucking go down the other side and what do i see on the other side of the road where it was all nice and clear now there's major traffic because the dumb cunts on the other side of the highway are slowing down to look at the shit on my side of the highway so now i got to sit through it fucking twice and something told me don't get off at the first exit bill everybody has this idea go to the second exit and you know and then come back and guess what i did i ignored that instinct got off the first one bump on the boom fucking dead stop traffic and the only way to get back on the highways i got to make this illegal u-turn and i don't give a fuck i'm making it and i'm just sitting there cock sucking motherfucking dictator fucking cut all their fucking heads off and i'm get ready to make this illegal U-turn and I don't give a fuck. I'm making it.
And I'm just sitting there cock sucking, motherfucking dictator, fucking cut all their fucking heads off. And I'm getting ready to make my illegal U-turn.
And I just happen to look at my rear view mirror. And guess what's two cars behind me? A fucking cop.
I'm like, what are the fucking odds? Now I got to go straight. I said, fuck this.
So I get in the right lane and I just cruise up and I get out of his sight. I finally fucking turn around.
I got, I finally got into a good lane and I came back and then I got back into, under traffic again, looked at the same people looking at the same accident. There was nothing going on.
And then I fucking finally was able to continue on. And of course I made the call.
There was no problem. Nobody gave a shit.
Nobody yelled at me. It was fine.
I completely lost my shit. And I'm in bed.
I got so fucking mad that when I saw the people on the other side of the road rubbernecking, I gave them the finger. And I was all the way to the right getting off the highway and I gave all of them I mean it

like do you realize how immature that is I mean I was just like have you ever been embarrassed about yourself by yourself like I actually hit that level because like I stuck my whole fucking arm out the window giving him the finger the person behind me could see it be like who's this guy giving the finger to? You know, I'm basically saying it wasn't one of my best moments. But anyways, as I mentioned earlier, one of the great things is somebody showed me this exercise for rehabbing the rotator cuff, and it's fucking been great.
First of all, what you do is you basically, you bend over at the waist. No, you're not going to take it up the ass, okay, before anybody makes that easy joke.
You let your arm hang down, and then what you start doing, it's basically your fingers are pointed at the floor. Your floor your arms hanging straight down and you just make small circles right and counterclockwise or clockwise and then you just start to make it bigger and bigger just to just get to the point of pain and then you live there for a minute then you back it back down to small circles and then go clockwise if you went counterclockwise you just go vice versa you just go the other direction you do the same thing again whatever that does it kind of gets some fucking little lube in there i have no idea i don't know shit about anatomy all right um and anyways and then what you do is you have your arm straight out not straight out you have it down at an angle you walk up to a wall all right i have to explain this part perfectly all right and by the way you're at your own risk on this one um you have your arm probably at like a whatever 15 degree angle you're standing right next to the wall um sideways okay is that perpendicular to the wall i have no fucking idea all right it's like just imagine the wall was your friend and the two of you went to a general admission concert and you got there early.
Just imagine what the space would be between the two of you, but you'd be both looking at the same shit, right? That still doesn't make sense. Perpendiculars are the fucking thing.
All right? So you reach out, you touch the wall. All right? Your arm's at a 15 degree angle.
And then you just slowly start walking it up. And obviously up and obviously as it gets more straight you're gonna have to move your body further away from the wall and you just walk it up with your fingers so it's basically it's the weight of your arm but your fingers are taking away most of the weight and walk it all the fucking way up until it's like you know the answer in a classroom.

And you're so excited.

And you're straight up.

And then you walk it back down.

You do a set of three to five.

And I've been doing it twice a day.

And my fucking shoulder is amazing.

And then I ice it afterwards.

And it feels fucking amazing.

I actually sat down and played a little drums today. It was fucking phenomenal.

And I don't know. Maybe somebody can explain it a a little bit better maybe there's a youtube video of it i don't know um so anyways that's what i've been doing and i feel great and um the guy who uh is basically keeping my dog for the rest of her life so i know she'll be safe uh was in town and he brought her by and I got to take her on a couple of hikes we hung out and um you know it's sort of like a shared custody thing I mean he has her like 95 percent of the time but I know she's safe she looked great and um it's awesome I don't know I don't know if it's good or bad for me to keep seeing her because it's always fucking unbelievably sad every time when i give her back but as long as i know the next time i'm gonna see her then i kind of have hope or whatever i just keep jokingly say that she went to college and this is like spring break you know she comes back in march or whatever but um but it's it you know what's great is i know she's okay.
I know she's going to live out a full life and you know, whenever that day comes, when she's coming down to the end of it, I'm going to be there. Cause I always, I kind of made a promise, you know, you know, when you get a dog, that's, it's like, you know, that's it.
Like how much you love a dog. It's like, dude, I'm there until the end.
And, um, you know, even even the way it worked out with having a kid and everything, the main point of the whole thing was that she survived and she had a great life. She's got this, you know, she's living in a great house now in Arizona and all that type of shit.
And it just means I'll play Arizona more. And the person who owns it makes frequent trips out here, always drives out, and I think he'll always bring her because he knows that we love her.
Nia got to see her and everything. She came back over the house, was hanging out, and, you know, she met her.
Smelt like us, so she was cool. But it really was never a, oh, my God, I i just said her fucking name i just outed her name um anyways and uh she just basically you know it was never about the kid it was about everybody else that was going to be coming by and it was going to be too crazy and the dog was going to get even more protective and you know i went through it with the whole trainer.
It was like the dog's going to go to a whole other level. And I just knew something was going to happen.
The craziness of having a kid. So we just, we made the right decision.
Anyways, all right, where do we go from here? I'm going to edit that out, by the way. That's going to annoy you guys.
You said the name. You should have let me fucking know.

There's too many weirdos out there.

Too many weirdos.

So, anyways, what have I been up to?

I've been watching a little bit of the March Madness.

As much as I can, you know, having the kiddo around.

I watched Duke, you know, win their first round.

I don't know. I'm assuming they won the second round.
I'm assuming that they're in the fucking sweet 16 my internet sucks right now the internet is such a fucking I I went I spent all this fucking money I was just like dude you give me fucking the internet that Jesus would have and they said all right it's gonna be nine million bucks I said I'll write that fucking check you you fucking criminal and they said fine and i had the best internet for about six months and then slowly it just starts sucking again and what it is is i think they just turn the juice up on your house whoever's paying the most for it and then the next guy gets bumped back and then he's like hey what the fuck happened to my good internet well you know we upgraded but then he plays whoever pays more than me see i haven't gone back to them in like two years and now like i can't even get i get internet in like two rooms in my house and the rest of it sucks let's see if i can look this up march madness uh there we go here we go here we go cbs sports what's going on come on this is like you're rooting for the slowest horse ever now come on load oh my god it worked and it worked march madness 2017 live tournament scores update blah blah blah blah where's the fucking bracket kansas is the team we expected i love kansas i love don't know why. I've always loved Kansas.
I like Duke. UCLA, it's fucking fun to see them just because they're such a legendary franchise.
Syracuse exchange plans to extend Boheme. I don't see.
I mean, how to watch Duke versus Carolina.

What?

What?

The number two Blue Devils will take on numbers.

Oh, on the number seven.

Oh, South Carolina, not North Carolina.

Oh, when the fuck are they doing that?

I got to watch all the Duke games get taped.

But next year, I think I'm going to add to my sports package.

And I want to watch as many of the Duke games in Kansas.

I don't know why.

I've always loved Kansas.

And Duke I got into because I got a couple friends that went there.

And then I went to a game.

And they treated us great.

So, wait, it's over.

I got to call in Coach K's show.

It's over.

Wait a second.

Did they lose?

End of the second half. What? The fucking Gamecocks beat them? No.
88-81? Get the fuck out of here. No fucking way.
No fucking way. Duke score score I just spelled scores Duke score no way they fucking lost Jesus Christ South Carolina scored 65 fucking points in the second half.
They scored 23 in the first half. Duke scored 30 and 51.
Oh, man. I mean, I knew that they didn't have the team this year, but shit.
I thought they'd at least get to the sweet 16. Wow.
I hope that Jason Tatum guy doesn't be fucking fucking one and done i hope he comes back um and i like that luke canard kid you know grayson allen he had him coming off the bench really well you'd think you know with all that shit how he wanted to be hated you think he'd be a you think he pouted you think he would pout but he didn't he uh he was a fucking man about it all right well congratulations to south carolina jesus christ i know a lot of duke haters out there loved listening to that in real time me discovering that they fucking lost um god damn it all right i'm kansas that's my team kansas jayhawks. I respect all of them, man.

I really don't like, you know, I come from a pro sports town,

so I don't really have any sort of hatred for anybody.

You know what I mean?

I don't even hate the fucking North Carolina.

I don't even fucking hate them.

I don't hate NC State. I just like, I love how the tradition of all that, you know, I can sit back.

I just, I picked a fucking team so I can actually get involved in it, guess um so anyways i'll root for kansas the rest of the way out and i also like seeing ucla do well um and of course any any fucking underdog i was i was watching northwest and it sucked watching them lose did they they lost them they came back against the uh gonzaga who i'm so old to me they're still the

new kids in town even though they've been crushing it for almost fucking two decades at this point anyways let's get back to the podcast let's get back to maybe something bill that you sort of know about how about that so anyways i was listening to all this fucking old rock and roll shit you know and uh of course if you listen to all that shit you're eventually gonna run into Buddy Holly.

And I was in that Peggy suit.

Peggy,

Peggy,

Peggy,

Peggy suit. And, of course, if you listen to all that shit, you're eventually going to run into Buddy Holly.

And I was in that Peggy suit.

Peggy, Peggy, Peggy suit.

Oh, Peggy.

My Peggy suit.

And I always loved the drums on that.

And I never knew what the fuck the guy was doing.

I guess he was just playing paradiddles.

That guy, Jerry Allison.

I just love the way he plays on that fucking song. He's just paradiddles around the kid he's got the snares off and i love about wherever the music's going if it's you know just playing those basic was it two chords i don't know shit about guitar the brighter chord he's up on the higher note or whatever he's on the higher tom and then he goes to the floor tom then occasionally comes back to the snare it's just a fucking beautiful piece of music you know and um i'm learning this shit right now with my drum teacher um about how to finally get my paradiddles and shit and playing singles and doubles going in and out getting them up to speed while being totally relaxed and letting the stick do the work and it's the hardest motherfucking thing.
In the world. Because you already can play it.
Up to a certain speed. Just your own.
Fucked up technique way. To just say fuck all of that.
And drop like a hundred BPM's. You know.
And start all over again. Is a bitch.
But if you stick with it. it um it gets i'm not gonna lie to you it gets pretty fucking exciting where all of a sudden it's just like wow i don't even feel like i'm exerting any effort whatsoever and i'm like three quarters up to what used to be my full speed um i don't know it's exciting shit so by the way you know now that i got the kiddo my lovely daughter um who every time i think i can't i'm not gonna like you don't think the loves can go any further they develop more and more of their personality comes out you're like oh my god she does that and it just goes to a whole level like now she's smiling like you can't leave um and the other day i was sitting there i was with her and uh diapers clean she's got a full belly i'm holding her i'm doing all this shit that usually stops her from crying and she's just being cranky and crying i was just like what the fuck could this possibly be and that's my favorite part about being a parent right now is trying to figure out the the riddle like what's going on with her and you know what i figured out for all you guys with newborns you know that are starting to develop out there you know what i figured out i was like she's fucking bored i'm doing the same shit and this shit was interesting for about a week to 10 days and now she's over it because she's hit a new level of consciousness you know she can see a little bit better whatever here a little bit better she's starting to understand all those are my feet you know she needs something else so um you know we do like this tummy time thing trying to get her to pick up her head and learn how to crawl and stuff so i brought her over to the little pad thing and it's this little thing that's got like you know these little rattles and shit hanging down from me.
I just turned her over onto her back, and I had her look at those things. She just looked up and was completely enamored with them.
That's the new thing. Now I put her on her back, and when she looks at them, she smiles at them like they're her friends.
This is the greatest thing ever because up until now i've had to carry around like a kettlebell everywhere i went and was you know messing with my shoulder and shit but you know you love your kids see like fuck the shoulder the shoulder comes a distant you know 20th in this race you know the first 19 spots of my daughter right so um now what's great is i can just bring that tummy time thing into where i'm watching sports i put her on her back she's looking at the fucking her friends hanging and i can sit on the couch and keep that thing moving with my bass drum foot right as i'm watching as i'm watching the games it's like the greatest thing ever i watched watched like a whole first half of Northwestern Gonzaga. I'm just sitting there doing that movement.
It's the greatest thing ever. So if you got a kid that's crying out there and the diaper's clean and they're full and all that, maybe they're just bored.
Try something new, some new stimulus. Oh, I was so psyched.
It's such a luxury to not have to be holding her all every five seconds you know what i mean because they're like these little fucking kettlebells and they're they're hot as hell they're like this hot water bottle you know they're getting all hot you're getting all it's just awful it's like you see it's like you're stuck in a crowded elevator um yeah i feel like I'm going through menopause. It's like the fucking hot flashes here.
Hot flashes. Anyways, so let's do a little bit of, let me read some of the advertising here, everybody.
The advertising. What am I doing? Did I just open the maps? Why would I do that? All right.
that's the end of you guys listening to me read out loud well at least advertising was there anything else i wanted to talk about before i fucking got into the goddamn um oh yeah you know something i'm gonna be in san jose if anybody knows a good uh rehearsal space out there that has some good sounding drums and i can maybe go over there for a day or something like that because I don't get to you know I'm always on the practice pads here and I miss playing drums and I'm learning all this cool shit and you know the deal man I'd love to get those fucking v-drums it'd be nice if they hooked me up with a free one and I could talk to my listeners about how awesome they were wink wink nudge nudge give me the fucking drums um but you Playing kit, that's the real deal. You know, I love those electronic kits, but at the end of the day, they make you sound fucking amazing.
You're like, am I the next John Bonham? I think I am. And then you get behind a real kit.
You're like, oh, wait a minute. I suck.
All right. Donut shop while in San Jose.
Hey, Bill, I know you've been in San Jose. I know you'll be here coming up, and I think I know of a spot that's totally your style.
It's called Stan's Donuts. I know you're cutting the carbs and shit, but goddamn, is it worth the extra elliptical time? Just an old-school donut shop that's been around for decades and hasn't changed a bit.
None of that crazy soy-based, gluten-free pomegranate fritter with cruelty-free bacon bullshit just the classics chocolate maybe an old-fashioned or jelly filled you fucking asshole i'm trying to lose weight don't tell me about this place but holy shit the only one you need from stands is the plain glazed donut i'm gonna be there with dean delray oh he's off sugar so he won't do it they will give you a glazed donut so so fresh it might burn your mouth if you aren't careful and you can see them pulling them out of their fryer just behind the counter can't beat it dude my mom used to take me here before school when i was really little and i came back for the first time in like 15 years the other day and it's even better than i remembered well you got a little child sense memory going on there oh my god dude why are you doing this to me immediately thought of you and that you'd like the old school feel of the place it's like five minutes from the san jose improv Make it happen. Do it for Stan.
Oh, God. Well, I can tell you that's definitely happening.
Well, you know what? I'm going to do a tour of San Jose, one of my city tours. I'm going to fucking go there.
I'm going to end there eating a fucking donut. maybe i'll start there just hating myself all

right redskins redskins i'm sitting here listening to your podcast on the fast month past monday and

i'm thinking about the redskins keep the name change the mascot change the mascot to a potato

that's fucking hilarious but that's not intimidating. You know what I mean?

The Redskins, of course, their nickname would be the Hashbrowns.

But you know what?

You know, Hashbrowns are delicious.

That's fucking hilarious.

You know something?

That's actually fucking brilliant.

So you still call them the Redskins.

You change the mascot to a fucking potato. You know something? That's one of the most brilliant fucking ideas I think that's ever been fucking sent in.
God knows I've never said anything better than that. That's fucking brilliant.
Change it to a fucking potato. But then what do you have on the side of your helmet? you know what you do you just go back to the old logo with the R on the side and the feather hanging off is the red skin like you peel the potato you know that thing when people like they peel and they go all the way around in a circle it could be like that great idea that right there that's funny motherfucker.
I hope you're very successful in life. Thank you for the...
That's fucking... I didn't ever think of that.
I'm slipping as a comedian. All right, the Great Barrier Reef.
By the way, did you hear Netflix is going to switch from the stars? From five stars to thumbs up, thumbs down? I don't't know why would you do that you know because i give you know if it's just thumbs up thumbs down it's just such a wide peanut butter and jelly sandwich thumbs up gourmet meal on the french riviera watching the fucking from a yacht watching the fucking the end of a Formula One race in Monaco thumbs up the Godfather thumbs up meatballs thumbs up you know what I mean drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth thumbs down Adolf Hitlerler thumbs down i guess because they get the fucking ratings it doesn't matter but i mean i like it i like it lets me know you know like okay people like this how much do they like this i don't know three stooges thumbs up schindler's list thumbs up i mean it's just a what what does anything mean anything after that all right great barrier reef hey billy boy huge fan of the show thank you remember you were talking about the great barrier reef a couple of weeks or months ago not not really sure anymore too much weed man anyway i saw this on the front page of the New York Times and thought you would enjoy shitting on Australia some more. I don't like shitting on Australia.
I was just shitting on that guy. It basically says that huge sections of the Great Barrier Reef that stretch across hundreds of miles were recently found dead and they were killed by overheated salt water.
I know this is coming from a liberal paper, but i think it's pretty clear evidence there is significant global warming anyway you fat ebola ridden piece of shit love the podcast and keep on keeping on um yeah i gotta be honest with you i i don't watch i don't read up on a lot of the environmental stuff uh because it's too fucking depressing i love animals man I love the earth man I don't want up on a lot of the environmental stuff because it's too fucking depressing.

I love animals, man.

I love the earth, man. I don't want to see fucking sea life dying and all that shit.
I don't know. I don't know what this is.
There's just too many of us. It's just like I think a plague is coming or.
I actually think that the robots

will be in control of the upper one percenters and they will gradually take all of us out and then what will be will each one of those illuminati guys will have their own robot with all the answers i mean it's it's a fucking it can play guitar like jimmy hendrix it can design the most beautiful architecture it's the greatest farmer it's just whatever you need it to fucking do it can do so you'll never go hungry you'll always be entertained and on top of that it'll be the best looking chick you've ever seen in life and you can fuck its brains out i mean right there if that's not going to be the extinction of all the regular people like like myself i think that that's what's going to happen and then um the earth will gradually cool with all of our deaths the great barrier reef will come back and um the upper one percent will what they always wanted, complete control. But I actually think they'll get bored after a while.
There's nobody to oppress. There's nobody to look down on.
That's actually a fascinating fucking movie, wouldn't it be? There's just no more challenge? And those robots know how to like,

you know, they can like grow an ear in a Petri dish.

Eventually you'll be able to grow all vitals.

You know what I mean?

And then you can just live forever.

What would you do?

What would you do?

There's a reason why you die.

You just run out of shit. What the fuck would you do? I would just keep learning shit.
It's like, all right, for the next 80, like every 80 years, you just pick being something. All right, this 80 years, I'm going to be a gearhead.
I'm going to learn how to take a whole fucking car apart, put it back together, make it fast. Fast and loud.
I'll just learn how to do that shit.

I'll have the robot right here.

It knows everything.

It'll fucking teach me how to do it.

And then once I get it down, you know, and I do that for a while, you know.

Fucking learn every instrument.

Learn every language.

You're eventually just going to run out of shit to do.

And you just be looking at your robot,

just going like,

dude,

I know this is fucking nuts.

I know we've been together now,

sweetheart,

for fucking 800 years,

but could you do me a favor?

Do you want me to kick you in the balls?

No,

no,

sweetheart,

I don't.

It'd be funny if they,

even though it totally looked real,

it totally felt like a real person,

but they could never perfect the voice,

so it's still fucking talk like that.

You are the best I've ever had.

Just like, bitch, stop talking.

You're killing it for me.

You'd have to just say to the fucking thing,

look, 800 years, okay? i'm coming up on 800 years all right i've lived more years than hank aaron hit home runs could you do me a favor on my 800th birthday i know what i want okay could you just choke me to death please don't not compute you know and you just they won't kill you and then your fucking your punishment is that you live forever you know you're kind of like a vampire at that point because you can kind of seduce any woman you want because they're all going to be you know you're just going to get you know what i bet after a while if you live long enough you just start banging you'd have you'd make like ugly chick robots and you just bang them because you're so sick of banging tents i mean it's a fucking it's a hell of a goddamn it i don't think human beings can survive in that You just think of all the shit that's going to happen. All right, female comedians.
What the fuck is this? I didn't know this was coming up. All right, hey, baby daddy Billy boy, emailing from Dublin.
Big fan of the podcast, The Stand Up. I've been watching a lot of stand-up specials over the last month.

Recently, I'm making a concentrated effort to watch female comedians because all the comedians I'm a fan of are men.

Unfortunately, I've struggled to find many who meet the mark.

I just watched so-and-so's Netflix special, which was hilarious.

Okay, then I'm going to say the name.

Kathleen Madigan. Yeah, she's the fucking real deal deal and she's a total hot shit i love her she's been fucking crushing it since since i started um english comedian joe brand was also excellent although i don't know if she's she's still active beyond all the others i've seen all the others have been shit in my opinion uh my issue with this disparity is that i don't think men are funnier than women in general the women in my life like my girlfriend my sister and friends are just as funny as my guy friends in your experience would you find male comedians funnier like myself if so why do you believe this is the case could it be the fact that the industry is so male heavy are women comedians trying too hard to emulate their male counterparts these are all questions i can't answer i don't fuck it i don't know what the deal is and it's all your opinion um maybe i'm just an ignorant prick but i feel like there's a female perspective in comedy that would speak to me that isn't met by the better known female comedians.
Either way, thanks for the laughs. Congrats to you and the lovely Nia on the little baby bird.
Go fuck yourself. Um, I don't know, dude.
It's like, you know, you know what it is? I just think it's like bands. You're into a certain style of music and the other shit doesn't speak to you.
so you don't go to that. But every once in a while, there's a band, you know, oh, fuck, I didn't think I liked country music.
I like this country music. I just think, I don't know what the deal is.
I don't know why there's so much of that fucking talk. My shit is this, okay? If you're fucking funny, you're funny.
If you're not funny, you're not funny.

Okay?

And it's not the crowd's fault.

It's not this.

It's not the fucking Martians.

It's you're not funny.

And one of the things I found with people, male and female, who aren't funny is they fucking got every goddamn excuse in the book.

And I just want to say, hey say hey hey just go on stage and fucking kill and all your problems will be solved go on stage and fucking kill that's what it was you know that's what it's always been if you do that all of these fucking issues that everybody oh there, there's this over here. There's that over here.
There's a fucking liberal bias. There's all of this.
It's all fucking bullshit. If you go on stage and you fucking kill, you're going to get work.
That's it. That's it.
So I don't know. Whatever.
I'm so fucking sick of all of that. You know, are women funny? Are blah, blah blah blah and to just lump everybody into a group i is more just ask me do you do you think kathleen madigan's funny just ask me that in that email i think she's fucking hilarious i love her delivery and you know i love about her she can just stand there and be funny i gotta jump around scream and yell act shit out she can just stand there and fucking murder for an hour.
And you know what's great, too, is you meet her and she's totally down to earth and she's fucking awesome. So there you go.
That's the positive way of me getting out of that type of shit because I'm not walking into that. Like, why the fuck do you think I would answer any of that shit? You know what I mean? Look, what business are you in? Okay, why don't you shit on some people in your fucking arena? I don't want to do that.
It's cannibalistic. Oh my God.
I mean, there's so many fun. Do I got to name funny female comics for you? Is that what I got to fucking do now? I got to do your fucking right feeling in love with my best uh with my lesbian best friend hey billy dad bought oh jesus you're so

fucking right i'm a huge fan of all your shit why are you calling it shit i'm an artist

i loved your new special i need some advice i'm a young guy and i haven't even tried to get into

a relationship in a few years because my last one turned into a fucking nightmare anyways

of the I need some advice. I'm a young guy and I haven't even tried to get into a relationship in a few years because my last one turned into a fucking nightmare.
Anyways, over the past year, I've been hanging out with this lesbian and we've grown close. Oh, Jesus, dude.
This is the ultimate. This is the ultimate just cold case file, dude.
You're chasing leads that aren't even there. She's amazing and my best friend.
The problem is I find myself growing more and more attracted to her by the day. We've talked about having a threesome.
Woo! Which makes me think she might want to fuck me but doesn't want to admit it to herself. Oh, strike everything that I just said.
Dude, you have fucking walked into paradise. I am happy for you, my friend.
God bless you. God fucking bless you.
I hope this fucking turns out the way I think it's going to. I'm so, you just made the rest of my day that someone's in this situation right now.
Lately, she's been trying to get me a girlfriend, probably this sexual tension can be redirected what the fuck do i do bill please help me and go fuck yourself what do i do dude i've never been in this situation i'm living vicariously through you what do you do don't fuck it up dude okay wait a minute who's been in this situation and don't lie to me. Send in what this guy can do so he doesn't fuck this up.

Oh, dude.

God fucking bless you.

What do you do?

Oh, Jesus.

Okay, what the fuck would I do?

I don't know, man.

You know what I would do?

I'd go out drinking with her, right?

And I would fucking, all right, pick somebody out. Who do you like? You go up, you strike a conversation.
You know what I mean? Maybe she strikes up the conversation so the fucking, the other lady keeps her defensive shield down. You know, okay, this is what you do, dude.
You get into great fucking shape, okay? You got to help out your lesbian girlfriend, okay? You get yourself a new fucking wardrobe.

You got to look right when you're going out.

You put on a pair of fucking MeUndies, okay?

You eat Blue Apron for a goddamn month.

You shed some fucking pounds.

You put on some MeUndies.

You dress fucking right, okay?

Give your lesbian friends something to work with. Are there any lesbians listening to this fucking podcast?

How does this go down?

Hey, Nia! Fuck. Maybe she knows.
Hang on a second. Let me hit pause.
You know what I realized? You know what I realized? She's going to come in here holding my daughter, and we can't talk about this shit when she's here. Alright? I'm going to have to put this, this one I can't do.
Okay. And I always say, Oh, it was a fucking podcast.
She's never going to be on again. No, my daughter's developing.
Eventually she'll be playing with toys. She can sneak in here and she can, she can answer some goddamn questions.
All right. There you go.
Um, or I don't know how to do it anyways, dude. Just, I don't know what to tell you, dude.
I'm so fucking excited, I can't even think straight right now.

God bless you.

I hope this fucking works out, man.

And I want to hear the fucking story.

Okay, lately she's been trying to get me a girlfriend,

probably so this sexual tension can be redirected.

Yeah, you know, so basically every once in a while she doesn't mind banging a guy as long as there's uh you know you know what it's like it's like you're going out to a restaurant right she's gonna order one thing you're gonna order the other thing but she's gonna take a couple of fucking you know a couple spoonfuls off of your plate that's what's gonna happen here oh my god this is fucking tremendous fucking tremendous god bless you dude i have no. I've never been in that situation.
It's tremendous.

All right?

Good luck to you.

All right, everybody.

Go fuck yourselves.

I'll talk to you on Thursday, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

And thank you to everybody.

My shows are sold out in San Jose.

I'm doing two Monday, two Tuesday, two Wednesday.

I'm working with the great Dean Del Rey.

We're going to fucking kill it when we're up there.

And also, I need to hype this show I have coming up. I'm doing a fucking...
We'll send the link out. On March...
Where the fuck am I going? I'm doing this MS benefit and they're honoring Richard Pryor. And it's on March 25th, 7pm, out here in Los Angeles.
I'll put up the link for tickets and all that.

I believe we just tweeted it out.

I'm going to be co-hosting with Craig Gass.

There's going to be all these amazing musicians there.

It's going to be a great night for a great cause.

I hope you guys can make it down.

That's a Saturday night.

Come on.

Come on down.

There's a fucking taco truck down.

There's going to be a great time.

All right?

That's it. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. guitar solo I'm sorry.
Outro Music