Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 17th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? March 17th, St.
Patrick's Day. Oh boy, here we go.
I've told you this for years, man. Fucking amateur night.
Amateur, amateur, amateur fucking night. I don't even know if people do it.

They're saying that the young kids today, they don't drink as much. You know, I mean, it makes sense.
Weed's legal. Mushrooms are readily available.
You know, what do the kids do today? What do they do something they they some some sort of drug and they put it on a q-tip and then or a tampon and they stick it in their ass and they go let's do a fucking dj you know every every generation has their way they get high and And as an older person, you have to respect that. Anyway, somebody fucking finally made a post trashing you don't need a fucking DJ at every social event.
Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm not saying DJs are bad,

but is there anything worse than a bad DJ?

Maybe a bad comedian.

Because it lives in the same world

where you can't escape it

because it's so fucking loud.

You just got to get out of the...

Thank you. world where it's like you can't escape it because it's so fucking loud.
You just got to get out of the facility. You got to get out of the building to get away from it.
Oh my god. What do you think there's more of? More people saying they're a DJ when they're not? Or thinking there fucking DJ fucking dj or i have a podcast what do you do i you know i remodel houses i i do a podcast with one of the other remodelers today we're gonna talk about how to really fucking hang up some drywall um like that fucking thing it is kind of wild how all of this happened like um in my lifetime i am old enough to remember when people said that they wouldn't move to la because everybody is so plastic and fake now i know people still say that but people you got to stop with the plastic and fake shit with the level of Botox, fake lips, Brazilian butt lifts, Turkish fucking hair systems that are like, they're just all over the country.
Everybody's walking around acting like they got to be camera ready. You know, back in the day, you used to be able to age naturally if you were like a substitute teacher.
You didn't have to walk in like you were going to fucking, looking like you were going to make a movie in the valley. You know? I don't understand why women keep getting their fucking lips done.
For the simple fact that these doctors, for whatever reason, they only know how to do one procedure.

So everybody gets the exact same lips.

So you're like, oh, those are those fake lips I keep saying.

Dude, fake lips. They're like, remember those baby on board signs that you used to wave at you in the back of the car, right?

Oh, no, it was a triangle.

Baby on board. That's the same thing.
It was the same fucking thing. Or like a pair of Crocs.
You're doing that with body parts. God made you unique.
I'm going with the Lord today, right? Whatever it is, made you unique. You look different, all right? I don't know.
I mean, I don't know how some of these people do, like, when people just go, like, when they go all in, you know? I would never ask somebody this, but it just is, just in a voyeuristic way, watching this shit on some of these shows my wife used to watch my wife is off the reality TV it's amazing it's fucking amazing no more laminated face fucking fake lips fake ass, fake titty chicks, screaming at each other.

When I come home, oh my God.

I used to fucking come up to the door, you know,

I could hear it, you know, the living room's like right there.

Come walking in. It reminded me as a kid, you know, coming home to the house,

mom and dad yelling at each other, you know.

Or your neighbors screaming at each other.

It's a lot of screaming.

Wasn't a lot of AC. That was a luxury.

So.

The original DJs

that you couldn't get away from when I was growing up

were moms and dads screaming

at each other with the fucking windows open.

I used to always feel bad for my friends when that happened.

I just want to be like, hey man, you know,

Thank you. growing up were moms and dads screaming each other with the fucking windows open.
I used to always feel bad for my friends when that happened. I just want to be like, hey man,

you know, my parents do it too. They all do it.
There's no therapy. There was one book.
It was

like how to win friends and influence people. Like that was the only self-help or that was it.

And then somehow in the 80s, I think the Chicken Soup for the Soul came out, and it was a huge hit, and then they wrote like 40 other ones, and they made them more like specific, it was really bad watching that person sell out, like you know, they came out, the first one, Chicken soup for your soul. It covered everything.

Your soul. And then the next ones were like, chicken soup for someone who got fucking diddled by their uncle.
They made it really specific. It's like, well, wouldn't that affect your soul? Didn't you handle it on the first one? Well, you know, maybe I want to buy another house.
Anyway, before I go any further into this podcast, I've got to do a little promotion here for the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. Everybody, tickets are moving.
Tickets are moving. Last I checked, there was a little less than 800 left all right we started

with 2 000 we're down to 800 we're out of the thousands we're into the 800 so thank you one and all uh tickets are still available for the 12th annual patrice o'neill comedy benefit uh sunday may 18th at the new york city center we have a great lineup rosebud baker greer barnes Oh, my God, Greer Barnes.

I better not be going on right after him.

DC, Benny, another killer. Tim Dillon, killer.
Nimish Patel, Sean Patton, myself, and as always, Rich Voss. He's hosted every single one of these.

Sean Patton, first time I saw him, he was doing a, I saw him up in Montreal.

He was doing this bit about his grandmother, I think, having dementia.

Fucking blew me away.

This is going to be an amazing show.

And we're still working on a special guest.

We try to have a surprise famous comedian show up. And everybody goes my god i didn't know he was coming too um all tickets are 75 bucks tickets can be purchased

at www.nycitycenter.org slash patrice 2025 or or or by going to website, www.billburr.com. I want to hear George W.
Bush talk about his website. If you want to know why I'm not building a house for the homeless like Jimmy Carter and I'm buying land that sits on aquifers because I know water's going to be scarce in the future.
Go to www.georgew.com. All right, so we got that out of the way.
Anyway, so it is St. Patrick's Day.
I do try to get a corned beef sandwich. You know, if you go to a bar, like in the middle of the day, maybe, maybe you can try to do that.
I don't know. It is annoying that you can't really get a corned beef sandwich any other day than around now.
It's kind of weird that way. Um, but it does make it special.
Um, all right. Plowing ahead here.
All right. Where do I do i start oh my god just so many things happen i went to the bookstore holy shit i went to the bookstore first of all i was up in my old neighborhood i used to live on the upper east side um just south of uh spanish harlem i don even know if they call it that anymore.
And when I lived there, it was Spanish Harlem. I lived on 97th and Lex, in Lexington.
And when I missed a package from the mailman, it went up to the post office on 100-and-something Street. And I'm telling you, when you went from 97th to 98th Street, that was it.
No more white people. Instantly, bam.
It was all Puerto Rican. And you went up there and everybody looked at me.
They thought I was a cop, you know, because NYPD Blue was still on. And David Caruso was the star right? And you'd go up there, the whole place, everything, it immediately changed.
This is like when New York was fucking cool. It was unreal.
I remember what's his face, Dan Natterman used to have a joke way back in the day when I first moved there that 96th Street was the last street a white person could legally live on. And that always struck me so funny because I lived on 97th Street.
And 97th Street was sort of the DMZ, you know, to use a Vietnam reference.

And that was a mix of everybody.

And then when you went to 98th Street, at least on the east side, immediately it was all Puerto Rican.

So like when I went to, I used to go do my laundry.

Me and Bobby Kelly, oh my God, way back in the day, we would do our laundry a couple of streets up. There was this cluster of project buildings.
And there was a, that's kind of weird because it was in like, like those brick buildings. And you went downstairs and you did uh you did your laundry oh my god that's that's the situation i'm in right now my building i haven't had to deal with this in i i can't remember since i left new york i had to deal with something the other day doing my laundry where i i went uh downstairs to the laundry room and there's like three machines, and all of them were full.
And the cycle was done. And I had to stand there going like, you know that weird thing where you're going like, all right, how long do I wait before I actually move somebody else's laundry from the washing machine to the dryer? And are they going to come here, and I'm going to be mid-doing this? And then am I going to have an issue? And I just didn't have the time.
And I was just like, fuck this person. I just took it out.
I made sure I stuck it in the high dryers because there's always been a theory that those are the better dryers because heat rises. I don't know.
So I put them in there and then threw my shit in i emptied two out of three right so i put him in and uh i can't remember if i told this story right and i put my shit in the person never showed up so whatever half hour later i'm like a fucking wash cycle is is 37 minutes is what it is.

Come downstairs.

And the person who had the clothes in front of me is still not there.

So I'm like, all right, good.

I made the right move. And then as I was moving my shit into the lower dryers, the person showed up.

And then I was like, oh, God, is this person going to be upset?

You ever have people like that?

One time I was living in some place.

And this fucking asshole was walking down the hallway and his dogs were off leash and came running down up to me

and I said, hey, hey buddies.

And I started petting him and he goes, don't touch my dogs.

And I'm like, well, put them on a fucking leash.

And we got into this big fucking argument.

They fucking ran up to me. Unlike you, they're friendly, you cunt.
You know, and they always talk about that. Like the dog's behavior is like the owner.
You know what I mean? And it's like, I don't know. There's an exception to every rule.
That's actually bullshit. I didn't say keep him on the fucking leash.
I thought that.

I thought that, but I didn't.

The dude was bigger than me,

and I was unlocking my door,

so I had my back to him, so I was just like,

all right, well, I'm not going to get beat up

over a fucking chihuahua.

Look at me turning myself into a fucking action here.

I want to put him on a fucking leash.

I didn't say that.

I just lied to myself. I almost fucking just lied to myself and it worked.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with me? Put him on a fucking leash or I'll kick your ass, buddy. Never happened.
I just went like, wow, it's just... You know when you try to say something back, but you don't want to get into a fight, so you don't make any words.

Touch my dogs.

No, I think I did more of that.

I did put my eyebrows down to show that I was upset.

That was the old me.

What would the new you do, Bill?

What would I have done in that situation? I definitely would have said something, but not too aggressive. I think I know how to thread the needle now.
Don't touch my dogs? Really? I think I would have said that. Laughing is always good.
I don't fucking know. How is that still with me? Is it because I didn't say anything back? Probably because I didn't say anything back to him.
Oh, it just finds a spot inside your house. Oh, maybe I need to read Chicken Soup for the fucking guy who didn't tell that guy to go fuck himself but should have.
But it's probably better that he didn't because he still has all his natural teeth for the soul. Anyway, so I went over to...
Oh, no, no. I want to talk about this.
So I was up in my old neighborhood, and I was on 86th and 3rd, and what happened was my phone died, and I was trying to remember where my buddy's apartment was. I was sitting in Central Park by myself, running my lines for the play, Glen Gary, Glen Ross, which has been an amazing time.
Got through my first week, had a great time. And I was sitting on a park bench by myself.
The whole long thing of them, I was just sitting there. and I was sitting on a park bench by myself.
The whole long thing of them, you know, just sitting there.

And I was feeling the old nap, old man nap coming on.

And I kind of wished I had brought like a blanket because it was this hill.

I was like, man, I would fucking lay down there right now.

Put my, you know, put my hat over my head, but I'd probably get mugged. But anyway, I only drink one cup of coffee a day now, so I get the old man nap in in the afternoon.
The old man nap is better than the second cup of coffee. Better than it could ever be.
And then if you only have one cup of coffee a day, it's special. You know? You're not just fucking sucking it down like, you know, the police chief and all of those, all those cop shows I watched growing up.
Yelling at your men. That's not good enough.
Get out there. Get out there.
Right? And then they all would act like they wouldn't say anything. Just like me.
When that guy walked with his dogs not on the leash that came up. And they would all walk out and be like, what was that? Nothing, sir.
There has to be a name for that.

The muttering you do when you want to tell someone to go fuck yourself,

but you don't want to lose your job,

or you don't want to get your ass kicked,

or, you know, whatever fucking reason.

We've got to come up with a name for that.

You know how the Germans came up with Scheidenfreude, which is taking pleasure out of somebody else's misfortunes. Sorry.
Anyway, so I start walking up the east side, and I made sure I had absolutely nothing to do yesterday. I wanted to have one whole day where I had nothing to do.
So I'm walking up the upper east side and I ended up having to buy a charger, had to walk into a bar, plug it into an outlet, stand there like an asshole for like five minutes. And then I said, okay, I see where it is.
So I'm walking up to go to my buddy's place. And all of a sudden, I wasn't even thinking the neighborhood started.
And then I was on 3rd Ave and the neighborhood started looking familiar and I got to 86th Street. I was like, holy shit.
86th Street. I remember this.
The southwest corner used to be this bank

called the Republic National Bank.

That's where I did my banking.

And then across the street was an empty lot.

It used to be The Wiz.

Old school New Yorkers remember The Wiz.

The Wiz was like fucking...

I don't know what you would...

I guess sort of like a Best Buy meets a Radio Shack kind of thing. That's why you bought your Sony Discman.
I mean, this is like before the fucking the iPod even came out, before the iPod was even in your radio, before people even had cell phones, any sort of electronics, you went to an electronics store and everybody would go in there. That was the fucking place.
It was as popular as like the sneaker store. You got your sneakers here.
You went over there. You got your fucking electronics.
Um, and then I was living with Bobby Kelly and he was so into technology that he knew places that were beyond the Wiz, which blew my mind because I didn't think there was anything beyond. I was like someone who listened to the radio.
So I just knew all the fucking the populist shit. I knew the top 40.
And he knew the indie bands.

He's going, no, dude, dude, dude.

Dude, dude, you don't want to go to the winds, dude.

Dude, fuck that place.

Dude, you know, dude, it's not bad, dude.

If you want to go in there and get something from Sony or Panasonic, dude.

If you want to go in there, dude, and get a Sony Discman, dude.

Dude, I get it, dude.

But you want something like this, dude? You want the mini disc man, dude? You gotta go down to fucking eat me up. He convinced me I still have it with the microphone.
And it is not worth anything. No, he usually knew the good technology, but he was so on the cutting edge that he would get shit that he thought was going to be the next big thing, and it wasn't.
So he convinced me to buy a mini disc player, and that was going to take over the CD. And I get his thinking.
It's like, dude, it's fucking smaller. And that's what everything became, right?

Remember the first flat screen TV?

I mean, the thing was like fucking six inches thick.

It was unreal.

It was fucking, I don't know what. And they were like 11 grand, if you can believe that.

And I saw those things. So everybody wanted one.
And there was only a few shows that were actually, most shows were still filming in the square TV format. So even if you got the flat screen TV, there was only a couple of shows that were whatever that format was called.
So they were $11,000. Then they came down to, you know, like $9,800 or whatever.
And then they were down to $8,000. And I just remember thinking, all right, I've seen this before.
I remember, I'm old enough. I remember when calculators first came out and were a hundred bucks, something crazy.
And then within like six years of that, they had these solar ones that they gave to you free when you filled, when you got a full tank of gas. Back in the day, they used to give away, they used to give away, you used to get gifts if you got a full tank of gas at a gas station.
It was fucking amazing. They would have local sports teams, cups, mugs and shit that you could collect.
It was amazing. McDonald's had these glasses you could buy with all their characters.
And the next year they had the ones in actions, but the best ones were just the regular ones. And those things, so funny.
McDonald's glasses with like the grimace Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar and all of that shit on them. And that was considered fine china in my house and we would only break them out on birthdays.
And whoever was the birthday boy or the birthday girl, you got to pick which McDonald's glass you want. And the big discussion in my house was that the McDonald's in-action glasses were not as good.
They didn't look as good and they weren't as high quality as the originals. Anyway, Jesus.
So I ended up going up there, and then I'm walking up, and I remember there was, oh, fuck, what the hell was it called? There was a live music place up there called Somebody's Car Wash. And me and Bobby went in there one night with somebody else, and it was like a fucking open mic night, and they said, is there a drummer in the house? And Bobby looked right at me.
He's like, dude, dude, you got to go up there, bro. Dude.
And I was just like, no, no, no. I was too, like, fucking,

I was too scared to go up there.

And then I remember, like, you know,

thinking, like, the next day,

like, I should have just fucking gone up there.

Why didn't I do that?

Why do I always fucking shy away from,

that was the old me.

That was the old me.

I used to shy away from those things.

Now, but you know what it was?

It was all of those times,

Thank you. Why do I always fucking shy away from shy? That was the old me.
That was the old me. I used to shy away from those things.
Now, but you know what it was? It was all of those times, like, chickening out is what we used to call it. That feeling afterwards was, I just knew.
I finally figured out. I was like, dude, the feeling after of not having the balls to do something is going to be way worse than going up there and actually failing.
And not having the balls to do something, that's a life sentence.

You carry that for me. I still remember that fucking guy giving me shit with his stupid

fucking dogs to the point my brain fucking is lying to me. It's creating a new memory in there.
And I got to override my best. Now what happened? Or my ego.
My ego? Or maybe because I'm on a podcast, I just immediately went into fucking... I'm too embarrassed to let you guys know that I pussied out.

Well, guess what?

I did.

So anyway, that was, and I kept walking up that street and I went by, there was an AMC, which I'm so happy to say is still there.

And I used to go there.

I went there to the movies on hot summer nights because I didn't have any AC.

And oh, my God, I finally got one.

I finally just got an air conditioner and this comedian, Greg, Greg Carey.

I ended up doing a construction show and also bought a brownstone.

I remember back in the day and redid a brownstone up in Harlem when they were like fucking 100 grand.

But anyway, he came in and he put the thing in.

And then I had a railroad apartment.

And then my roommate said, all right, well, you're going to have to pay this extra electric fee or whatever.

And I was like, dude, I don't give a fuck.

Because I had to walk through bedroom.

Man, okay, I'm going down memory lane here.

I had to walk through bedroom, right?

Which was really just a sitting room.

There was just enough room to have like a single. I mean like a kid's single.
And then there was a window at the foot of my bed. And there was this little space and then there was another window.
And that window looked into my roommate's bedroom. So we had had the shades down so I would try to open that window not understanding cross ventilation it was like it was like I was at the bottom of a chimney because I lived on the first floor of like a six-floor walk-up so there was no breeze to be had so then what I would try to do is sleep out in the living room on the couch because there was one window out there that sort of faced the back courtyard.
But the thing was when you had that window open, it was just, it just nothing worked because you needed the cross ventilation to draw the air in, right? And I just, I guess the only way I could do it is if I opened the door to my apartment. And then I would have to, I'm not going to go to sleep, you know.
Somebody could just walk in. And then also, there was some guy, like once every two, three months, he would get into it with his wife or girlfriend and the level that this guy was screaming yeah I was just waiting to hear a gunshot I mean it was fucking nuts um so anyway but um I was uh walking up there and they still have a Barnes and Nobles up there.
And I went in and I bought that play Othello. Because remember I was telling you, I was like, I want to go see Denzel.
You know, I mean, Denzel, one of the greatest actors of all time. You can just walk into this theater and watch him acting live.
You don't get to do that. With, you know, you don't get.
So I gotta go see this shit, but I'm intimidated by this Shakespeare shit. And here you go.
I bought this book. No Fear, Shakespeare! It's Othello.
So on one page, they have it written as the original. And then on the right-hand page, they have it written in modern English.
So I've been reading both. And guess what? This Shakespeare shit is not as hard as I remember.
So I just made a rule in my head because when I was in high school and I had massive, massive

fucking, I couldn't focus at all in high school for whatever fucking reason. I'm not going to

get into the reasons, but, um, you know, I couldn't read regular English. Forget about

this shit. I had no fucking idea what was going on and I was a mess emotionally.
So there was not

and I'll see read regular English. Forget about this shit.
I had no fucking idea what was going on. And I was a mess emotionally.
So there was not in a place. So but in my head, I just made this rule a long time ago that old freckles was too stupid to understand Shakespeare.
And now it's kind of fun. It's I like I think also like trying to learn French.
And sometimes they throw in a couple new words and you just look at it and you try to guess what it means.

Sometimes you get it, sometimes you don't.

Sometimes you're kind of halfway there.

It's helped me with this stuff.

And not only am I enjoying reading the original version of it,

it's got some fucking hilarious, hilarious ways of saying things. Like, they don't say, like, you know, you know, to go around town, like, talking shit about somebody.
You know what that's in Shakespeare? I'm going to proclaim you in the streets. There's another line in there talking about, you know, this guy, this guy's trying to start these rumors.
It's just this whole play. It's just this one guy just this one guy is just gaslighting everybody

because he got

passed over

for a higher ranking by

Othello.

And yes,

this is what the podcast has come to.

Fucking Bill Burr is talking about Shakespeare.

Make sure I get all of this here. So what he does is he just starts going around trying to start these fucking rumors.
You know, I'll get people drunk so they do dumb shit. Sorry, I gotta put the mic down here.
Oh, here we go.

Iago.

I-A-G-O is this dude's name.

Yeah, he was passed over.

You know?

The Casio dude got the job that he wanted by Othello. Othello is married to Desdemona.
And, you know, with a name like that, she's going to be high maintenance, right? It's kind of funny the way they describe her. They say the daughter of the Venetian senator Brabantio, Desdemona and Othello are secretly married before the play begins.
While in some ways, stereotypically pure and meek, Desdemona is also determined and self-possessed. In other words, now that she's married, she's going to become the woman that she always was.
I'm kidding. So anyways, Othello, I didn't know this, is a Moor, so he's African.
And they say all this racist shit about him or whatever. But it's so funny the way they write it in the book.
It says, The play's protagonist and hero, Othello, is the highly respected general of the armies of Venice. Although he is not a native of Venice, but rather a Moor or North African, he is an eloquent and powerful figure, respected by all around him.
In spite of his elevated status, Othello is nevertheless easy to pray to insecurities because of his age, his life as a soldier, and this is my favorite, and his self-consciousness about being a racial and cultural outsider. I like how they put it on.
It's not that the Italians are being racist towards him, but he's such a good general that they need him. It's not that they're being racist to him.
It's more that Othello is self-conscious because he doesn't look like other people where he lives. So anyway, when Iago is trying to

suggest when Iago is trying to suggest that somebody has slept with somebody else's wife at one point, the way he says it, he said, you know, this, whatever, this ensign and this woman made the beast with two backs. I mean, it's fucking amazing.
Who would have ever thought in all of these years, dumbass Bill Burr would actually enjoy reading. And this fucking story is like, I mean, this is some, like, this is a trashy summer read.
I mean, this is just all backbiting, fucking, it's, it's unreal. And immediately, the way William Shakespeare write this, you fucking hate this guy.
I think Jake Gyllenhaal is playing that character, the guy gaslighting everybody write this you fucking hate this guy i think uh jake

gyllenhaal is playing that character the guy gaslighting everybody you're like this guy's a fucking piece of shit um but then he's going to get everybody going so now all i'm wondering is who's going to get stabbed and they say that othello then gets wildly jealous about his wife and then like he's like

he's much older so maybe that's what it is he's worried that his younger wife's gonna go off with one of these younger soldiers I have no fucking idea but um you know I already read I read like the first hundred pages last night and I don't read quickly.

And I was just, you know, I'll just read to page 60. I'll just read to page 70.
Anyway, this is the best thing you can do, I think, if you're a dum-dum like me, is you go out and buy the book, read the play so you know what it's about. Read both the Shakespeare and the English and then go see the play.
And that's what I'm going to do. Very excited to see it.
You know, it was funny. Somebody in one of the local papers here was like saying that the tickets were too expensive, but then in the front of their paper, they're fucking kissing the Twitter guy's ass.
I don't know. I just don't, there's nothing in this fucking world makes sense to me right now.
You know, If you stick up for the working man, like I've done in a couple of interviews, I get called a communist, and then meanwhile our president is in bed with the Russians. Like, someone do that fucking math and explain to me how that works out.
It's just, it's beyond me. Oh, my God.

And how we're going to allow billionaires to fucking start a civil war in this country. Because they're not happy with the way the country works and they're billionaires.
It's like, how much better could it be working for you? All right, I'm not going down that fucking road. Anyway, so I'm really excited to go see this play now.
Yeah, I can't, you know. In so many ways, going through school is, it's a great thing.

And then it's also a really bad thing.

I think at some point there should be like an exit interview.

After you do 12 grades of public school, there should be an exit interview.

If you have the ability to honestly talk about yourself afterward and be like,

how do you view yourself after going through these grades and going through being with other kids, getting bullied, getting beat up, flunking classes,

you know, whatever your home life, how do you view yourself?

Because some of the fucking rules that you make in your head, you know whatever your home life how do you view yourself because some of the fucking rules that you make in your head you know i didn't think i liked reading i thought it was stupid i didn't think i could understand shakespeare uh i thought it was a loser this is how i felt after 12 years of fucking school. I didn't think any girl would like me.
I mean, I just, I had made, I had made all of these fucking rules in my head because of the way shit was playing out from like first grade. You know, by junior high, middle school, you already got the rules in your head you're like all right i know my place i know where i know where i'm at you know whatever um i'm gonna get into a fight i'm gonna lose i'm gonna take a math class i'm gonna flunk this there's a She's not going to like me.
I just had like all of that shit through, you know, experiences. I don't know, moving around, being the new kid with fucking orange hair.
You know, I made a lot of fucking rules in my head and they were all bullshit. And I don't mean that I grew up, grew as a person over time.
I grew as a person over time to realize they were bullshit, but they were bullshit in real time. In real time.
I could have won fights that I lost. I could have passed those.
I could have done all of that shit if I just believed that I could. But like you just get it in your fucking head.
You don't know to not listen to other kids. When other kids say you're a loser, you go, all right, I guess.
I always thought that that was the funniest insult. Oh, that kid's a loser.
How are you already a loser? We're in sixth grade. Everything he touches turns to shit.
You don't want to open a business with that fucking 11-year-old. Anyway, so there's some advice for you.
Go back and revisit something you thought you sucked at in school or that you didn't like. Like maybe you thought you didn't like reading.
Maybe it isn't you didn't like reading. Maybe you didn't like what they were telling you you had to read and so on and so forth and just go and I don't know, just go undo all of that shit.
What a fucking way to go through life. Live your whole life the way you were perceived by other children in fourth or fifth grade.
Like, I guess that's who I am. Anyway, I literally bought, when I was buying that book, Othello, I went right back to when I was reading that shit in high school.

I still remember what the book looked like.

The English literature book.

Oh, my God.

I'm reading Beowulf and everything.

And Beowulf was just like this poem or some shit like that.

And I remember I read it.

I just kept reading it.

I was like, I have no

fucking idea what this is about.

And then going like,

anybody said you guys already

bear well? And then people like

raising their hands and they could like talk

about it.

And then, you know,

I don't know.

Whatever. and then you know i don't know whatever ah the human brain anyway let's do some reads here for the week uh uh what is this okay oh wait i have another announcement.
Wednesday, July 9th, London at the Eventim Apollo. Artist pre-sale starts Wednesday, March 19th at 10 a.m.
local time. All tickets are on sale Friday, March 21st at 10 a.m.
local time. That show that I'm doing in London at the Apollo is a benefit.
The proceeds are going to go to Glenn Tipton's. He has a charity to raise money for Parkinson's research.
So all money is going to that. I have a special musical guest that is going to be opening up.

And it's going to be a really fun night.

A couple of comedians, an amazing music act, and myself.

And yeah, all proceeds are going to be going towards Parkinson's research.

This is something that I've wanted to do since before the pandemic. Then the pandemic came.
Me and my wife welcomed our beautiful baby boy. I got busy.
I had to finish a movie and everything. So I'm finally, because I got in touch with the people over there, said I wanted to do it.
And I'm finally going to do it, which is a fucking great thing here. So there is that.

And oh, and also,

old Freckles, my stand-up special,

Drop Dead Years, is streaming now on Hulu.

Been getting all kinds of amazing feedback about it,

which is great.

And last week,

I think after Thursday's show,

I went down to Lenny Penny's room

Thank you. week i think after thursday's show i went down to uh lenny penny's room greatest name in show business i usually do her room in uh usually do the belly room for her in um la she's from new york she came out said i'm gonna be doing this show it's second city out in brooklyn i went out there and just had an amazing time and um did all of this new stuff had a killer fucking set and uh i'm excited to get back out there again this week with all i gotta have the all new stuff i gotta have all new stuff man the special's out um all right let's do the reads here.
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Jesus Christ. That's some of the driest reading I've ever had.
All right, one more. This actually seems interesting here.
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All right, so Billy Freckles. Oh, Billy Freckles.
When he wasn't reading some Shakespeare, I watched a little bit of sports yesterday. I cut the end of Florida, Tennessee.
I watched Michigan beat Wisconsin. I watched the MotoGP.
I watched the Saturday sprint race. And then I watched the race on Sunday in Argentina.
Jesus Christ. Not only Marc Marquez, how about the Marquez brothers? Marc and Alex just dominating.
Absolutely dominating this entire season so far. Mark like a fucking i think a 30 point lead already or something crazy or 30 points on uh over his teammate peckle um and then i like uh i guess pedro acosta Acosta, the rookie sensation last year.

They don't have his bike dialed in, so he's getting upset.

That Japanese kid went from 15th place all the way up to 8th place.

And last year's defending champion, Joanne Meir, is that how you say it?

Johan Meir? I always forget how to say his fucking name he only won the championship last year um i guess suzuki doesn't have a team this year so now he's riding for honda so they're trying to figure this shit out um but it's crazy it's like this is like when when marquez was was riding with was riding with Honda before he got the injuries and everything. Nothing much to report.
It's just, he's just winning everything. He's getting the pole, he's winning the sprint, and he's winning the races.
And the only person that's been able to ride with him is his brother, Alex. Even Pecco's been like, you know, second and a half off the pace, which is like, in that world, is a big deal.
And I watched the F1. F1 in 30 minutes.
I wanted to see Lewis Hamilton in a Ferrari. Lewis Hamilton, who I owe an apology to because I was always going,

this guy's a fucking baby, man.

He expects things out of his teammate

that he's not willing to do.

You know, like when he was driving with Botas.

If Botas was in the lead

and he needed him to do something,

he wouldn't do it.

I'd be like, man, that's fucking bullshit.

And then I saw somebody else do it yesterday.

So I guess you always have like the star

and then the understudy on every uh on every racing team so um the mclaren team i don't know what happened all of a sudden they're dominating everything and uh it was kind of cool i like those those races when it rains and they actually have like the tires with the treads on them i oh the liked that shit. And then there's that crazy thing of like, is the rain going to stop? Is it going to start back up? And people decide to stay.
That was the most exciting part of the race is when Max Verstappen and Lewis Hamilton decided to stay out when everybody else pitted. And Lewis Hamilton went from eighth place to second, and then Max came in, and then Lewis Hamilton was in first place.
And I'm like, oh my God, is he going to fucking win this? This would be great. The first race of the year, he's with Ferrari.
Ferrari's back, Lewis Hamilton's back. What's Max Versappen going to do? Evidently, McLaren is great now.
This is going to be great. And then what happened is it started raining and then Lewis had to go in and then he went back down to like eighth.
I think he finished like 10th. And I'll be honest with you, I don't even know the name of the fucking guys on the McLaren team.
I haven't watched it. I stopped watching it a while ago when it was just like Lewis Hamilton was winning every race.
And then I remember it was people like, oh, now there's this new kid, you know, Max Verstappen. And then like two years ago, Max Verstappen won every race.
It's just, I don't know. It's just once you watch MotoGP and you see all the passing and everything.
Although I will say the first two races have been a little boring because Mark Marquez on it, the factory Ducati is so much faster than everybody else. But there was still some great racing that they finally had to cut to and show in the middle of the pack.
But anyway, so I'm into that. You got March Madness is coming up.
And what else do we got? We got baseball season's coming up. The Red Sox are making a move.
It's funny. The Yankees are all like fucking injured and shit.
And it's just the Yankees fan base and the Lakers fan base. And I'd say basketball is in a worse situation where...
Like the Lakers being bad isn't just bad for Lakers fans.

It's actually bad for the NBA because that's how they've built their business.

They've literally abandoned cities.

And this goes back almost 30 years. This goes back to like when Kobe Bryant gets drafted by, you know, the Charlotte Hornets.

Right?

And never even goes there.

Just goes, yeah, I'm not playing for that organization.

And the end goes, okay. All right? Now, I get the decision by Kobe Bryant, not wanting to play there.
But, like, you know, every, like, football, how it works in football anyways, is if you suck, then you get the number one draft pick and then your team can be good and they can win a Super Bowl. But the way the NBA does it, it's like a cast system where it's like, you know, the Lakers are royalty and the Charlotte Hornets are never going to be good.
They're just never going to be good. They might accidentally get a late round thing, a player.
And what is a late round in the NBA? The second round? There's only a couple rounds every year, right? That pans out and becomes a star. But that kid is just going to end up on one of the elite squads.
We'll just end up on Golden State, the Miami Heat. Who else? The Lakers are allowed to be good.
Celtics are allowed to be good. Like, they literally don't allow certain teams to be good.
It's weird. So, like, ESPN is not happy when the Lakers are bad because it affects fucking ratings I mean it's it's the dumbest thing ever so then their fan bases act like spoiled brats like um like you should see like in the in the like the the New York Post right the front section is horrible it's fucking horrible it's all fucking just racist and shit right but the back the sports section is horrible.
It's fucking horrible. It's all fucking just racist and shit, right? But the back, the sports section is great.
And they're sitting there going like, you know, oh my God, we have injuries that we're going to have to ride out. And their solution is go buy the Padres best pitcher.
Fuck these guys. The one funny thing about baseball is though, I will have to say what the Dodgers are doing, the fact that they're out yankeeing the Yankees by just spending like just an absolutely stupid fucking stupid amount of money.
Like that World Series last year. No offense.
I mean, what the fuck am I watching, it's like a half a billion dollar team, the fuck out of here with that, did you win, you should win every World Series, you spend that kind of money, so that's why I was rooting for the Padres, the Padres went out, they made a bunch of moves, they spent a bunch of money on people, but it was nothing compared to the big box store that the Dodgers has become. It's always weird to me.
People just can cheer that on. I felt weird watching the big three in 2008 with the Celtics.
I'm like, this is like a fucking, now we have a pile-on team? Is this what you do? You know, our team last year was great because, you know, so much of that was our own guys. But that one in 2008, I've never been able to quite, like, I was psyched because we beat the Lakers and their pile-on team.
You don't even need to say pile-on when you say Lakers. It's just all...
It's just everybody else's free agents.

I don't think that they have actually drafted a fucking superstar

that was their own since the Magic Johnson era.

I might be wrong. They might have won.

I'm trying to think.

Kobe was a Charlotte Hornet.

Shaq was Orlando. I forget where Robert Ori came from.
Derek Fisher was from someplace else too, I think. Pau Gasol was from somewhere else.
Metta World Peace was from somewhere else. It's like they're all from somewhere else.
LeBron's from somewhere else. Anthony Davis was from somewhere else.
The fucking other guy. They just got the guy from the Mavericks.
They can't draft to save their fucking lives. And they still win championships because they just go out you know.
They're like those people that buy food at air one that's what that's what the lakers are the lakers the los angeles air ones um anyway i just find that shit weird i wish it would go back the other way all right look at that i did an hour my buddy uh andrew themilis oh my don't know. You got to go to his fucking Instagram page.
He went over to Europe and saw the Northern Lights and was like driving a dog sled and all of this. They just show you, okay, this is what you do.
Step on this side, step on this side. That's how you get it.
He's at the top of the planet driving a dog sled.

Anyways, that is the podcast.

I got through my first week of a Broadway play.

I cannot even describe to you what an unbelievable experience it's been.

And I'm not going to lie to you.

My castmates are absolutely fucking murdering.

Every show has been fantastic. And this might be the greatest acting class slash acting gig I've ever been to.
Because not only do I get to work on it every night and try new things or anything. I get to watch all these other performers in real time

try other things that end up becoming

like these big moments and stuff

and just watching them figuring all that stuff out.

It's absolutely incredible.

So if you get a chance, hey, this is a good idea.

Come down, go to the Patrice O'Neill benefit. Come out, go see Glenn, Gary Glenn Ross.
You have yourself a weekend there.

Whatever you want to do. All right.
That's it. Happy March Madness.
If you're going out on St.

Patrick's Day, you know, wear a pair of old shoes because someone's going to puke on them.

All right. That's it.
Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.