New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you, seeing how it's going in your part of the world.
Oh, Billy Pressboy this morning. Look at you.
All grown up doing the town.

I did Good Morning America today. They kept calling it GMA, which made me think of GMOs, which are genetically modified organisms.
I don't know what it is. Something about what they put in the food.
But they pay the politicians, so that's fine. That's all right.
And I did The Breakfast Club. I had a great time.
And I did one other show. I'm spacing here.
I had a great time this morning promoting all that stuff. Why? Why you didn't ask? As I go to whore myself out and whatnot.
My stand-up special, Drop Dead Years, is coming out, I think, tomorrow on Hulu. I'm very excited and I hope you guys enjoy it or whatever.
But I had a fucking great morning. I had a good time on Good Morning America.
That's a really like fun show to do as far as like the vibe, the vibe that you have to have to do one of those morning shows. It's like the level of like, I don't know, like you have to be like upbeat and positive.
It's like people are starting their day. you what i mean you can't do the cnn fox news thing that we don't do that here there were i mean it was fucking fantastic there was a chef there making food there was puppies i was playing with puppies it's like impossible to be in a bad mood doing one of those fucking shows so um i got to do a Quick little thing there with everyone on the show promoting Glenn Gary and the special.
So I had a great time. And then The Breakfast Club.
That's my second time doing it. I love those guys.
I had a great time with them. So that's it.
And the Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. Keep buying the tickets.
You can get uh, billbird.com. I don't have the information in front of me.
I know the gig is going to be in May. Um, I believe it's a Sunday night.
Yeah, it's a Sunday night. So at the New York city center, you can also go to NY city center, uh, dot com, I think think is what it is we can buy the tickets 75 bucks and after we're done paying for renting the theater all the money goes to patrice's um wonderful mother and uh we make sure we take care of her every year because patrice was taking care rehearsal..
So it's a great, great, great thing that you can do if you can come out. All right.
And with that, let's plow ahead here. All right.
So guess what? We are officially in previews. Previews.
Now, what I've learned is previews are not official shows yet. This is you just sort of working the show out now in front of a crowd.
And I got to be, I'm a little confused by it because people are paying a lot of money to still come see it. So it's like, I don't, it doesn't feel like it's okay to just be, you know, you can try try out stuff but you got to bring it and um i cannot tell you like how awesome it is to uh you know get to do this and to watch all of these actors that i've been working with um you know seeing them they tried stuff when we were rehearsing it and then watching them try it out and adjusting it and everything like uh i get so fucking amped up and then i'm also fascinated like watching like oh man you know so and so gotta laugh on that what did they figure out was it the crowd was it the way that other actors set up the line or whatever? It's sort of like infinite, like the options.

But with three of those performances in, I think last night was our best show.

And everybody keeps getting better.

And like people were getting applause breaks.

And it's really settling into this cool thing where it's like, it's dark, but it's also like funny. It's sad and that it's hilarious.
And it's just this, this unbelievable ride. And, oh my God, Michael McKeon last night was fucking on fire.
It just, it be such a good time. And I was already thinking backstage when I was waiting for the play to end and then come out and do the curtain call.
I was already thinking of how sad I'm going to be on the last night because this is going to be, it's going to, this is just one of those things that totally lives up to the hype so um thank you to everybody that's come out so far and i am looking forward to everything else also you know i definitely get the fucking butterflies before i go out there because i'll tell you you know what's funny is you go out you have a good show and everything's awesome and the night ends and you feel like this

amazing feeling funny is you go out, you have a good show and everything's awesome. And, uh, the night ends and you feel like this amazing, like feeling of accomplishment.
And then you wake up the next day and you're like, Oh fuck, I got to do it again. Oh, this is what they're talking about.
Um, when I was talking to other actors going, you know, you gotta like, you know, it's it's a grind you know so you gotta like blah blah blah but um i'm just gonna uh i don't know just go one show at a time and listen to whoever the hell i'm talking to and on stage and see if uh we can have another good one tonight that's it. And with that, with that, with that, it's such an exciting time of year.
Baseball's coming back. Hockey and basketball is getting close to the playoffs.
You got MotoGP. You got fucking the F1.
And you got March Madness coming up. You have all kinds of distractions.

To not freak you out.

You know what I mean?

To have some sort of normalcy.

I'll tell you what's freaking me out.

On GMA.

Good morning America.

When I was watching the meteorologist. When she was doing the weather, I was just like, this is fucking.
This is frightening. It was just flames, tornadoes and all of this shit.
And nobody's like talking about, hey, is this what the scientists were warning us about? Is it starting to happen? Or is this normal? You never know, you know? Or is it just like, are they looking at the LA fires? Everyone tuned in. We made a lot of money on the ratings, all right? So every time there's a brush fire, they're going to draw up over like fucking Oklahoma and shit.
Are they doing it for money? Is it right? I have no idea. I have no idea, but I will tell you, you know, thank God for all those puppies and the chefs and everybody's amazing energy over there because the fucking forecast, they had everything but drawings of sharks coming on land and eating people on the nationwide map.
Nationwide is on your side. Anyway, so a buddy of mine sent me something pretty fucking interesting.'s the Robinson Helicopter Company, whatever you call it.

They had the R-22 first.

Then they made the R-44, which was a four-seater with a six-cylinder engine rather than the four-cylinder.

And then after that, they went 22, 44. Then they have the R66, which is a turbine, which is a jet engine.
And they unveiled in Dallas that they have a new helicopter coming out. You guessed it, the 88, which is a 10-passenger helicopter.
Believe me, it ain't cheap. Turbine or whatever.
They still have the semi-articulated main rotor system. I just would be amazing.
Maybe to keep costs down. And also, it's also a space saverver in a hanger.
If you only have two blades, you can just line it up and, um, you can have a smaller hanger, but once you have the three and you kind of have like that triangle, you need something a little wider or whatever. Maybe it's that I have no idea, but it was pretty goddamn exciting.
And I will tell you as much fun as I'm having on'm having on doing this play, I really miss flying and I miss riding a motorcycle. Those things.
I do miss those. But boo-hoo.
I have to be here and do a fucking play. But it was pretty goddamn exciting.
I'll be honest with you guys guys i kind of wish i learned how to fly a plane instead of a helicopter because helicopters are just so fucking expensive and once you've flown the la basin for 10 years you get kind of bored and you want to go fly somewhere else but like you know flying a helicopter it's like you have to fly it the whole time it's not like and it's also can only go so fast just because of

the aerodynamics the way it's designed and everything what what we have in mobility the ability to stop and hover and land anywhere what we gain in that we give up in forward speed and like you know i i know a lot of pilots now where i fly out of and i talk to them about their planes and what they cost

and like the planes that cost as much as a little two-seater helicopter, how fast they can fly,

the autopilot, the altitude that they can fly at and all of that really like

fascinates me. And I go, well, you know, that's a whole other animal there.
What's fascinating to me, what I would love to do one time, is be in a private little plane with one of those pilots and to fly. If I had one on a map if i had one map in front of me i would know exactly what it is but like you know if you if you come into la at 6 000 feet you can basically fly over every bit of airspace except for the bravo shelves of airspace around lax but like and you don't have to anybody.
Like you can just, if you were coming down the coast, you know, Santa Barbara or whatever, you could fly over all of that airspace. You could see so much more and, um, just the path that you could take.
And then not to mention cruising at like 200 knots which is more than twice what i'm usually flying like i usually fly like 85 unless i want to just get somewhere i'll go up to 90 but like i always think if i have an engine failure with the blades turned the way they are there's going to be a lot of resistance moving forward and my RPMs

are going to drop even faster. So I try to like, you know, cause you auto-rotate at about 60.
So if I'm only like, you know, 25 knots above that, it's, it's, I think that's a little more forgiving. Um, all right.
I'm just talking about nerd shit here. Um, speaking of nerd shit, I got, um, I got my little electronic drum kit set up, um, over at the theater with like speakers and everything.
I just have to figure out the Bluetooth. So that's kind of going to be my thing.
Like I'll come over a little bit early before the show, maybe, I don't know, or maybe hang after and I can play. And God damn it.

Got to give a shout out to V drums. They sound so unbelievable.
You put the headphones on. You got, listen, if you ever wanted to play fucking drums, okay, but they're too loud or whatever, you know, you don't want to drive your significant other crazy.
Get some V drums. I'm telling you

you're going to put your headphones on

and you're going to sit down at a kit

and significant other crazy, get some V-drums. I'm telling you, you're going to put your headphones

on and you're going to sit down at a kit and you're going to sound like you're in Madison Square Garden. And because they sound so good, it makes you play better.
It gives you ideas and all of that and um, um, I was just having, I was having a ball with them. You know, what's funny is like, you know, when my character exits the play, there's still, you know, a decent amount of time left in the second act.
So I was actually downstairs playing the drums,

waiting for the, you know,

there's a point where they're in the play

that I can walk upstairs

and be there on time for the curtain call.

I don't know.

The whole thing is pretty exciting.

So anyway, plowing ahead here.

Oh, Billy fucking Jimbaud. Oh, fucking Billy Jim bod is going to the going to the gym again today.
I've been crushing it. And the little apartment they got me staying in.
Dude, fucking New York is fun again. It's fun again there's it's definitely uh you know there was like a a period there where it got so fucking nice it was like weird you felt like you were in uh the truman show or something but like the uh the free Entertainment is back in a big way.
In a big way. I'll tell you what, one thing is cool is there's like this fucking liquor store.
And I don't know what it is. It's like this gathering place for these guys that like, I don't know if the guys that ride bicycles or whatever, delivery or something.
But they're just fucking hanging out. And they're smoking cigarettes and they're getting into sports arguments and they're drinking and shit.
And they're kind of blocking the street when you go to walk down. And like, that's like the neighborhood shit that kind of went away for a while um like one of the worst things i think that happened probably for like neighborhoods is air conditioning like back in the day like air conditionings every at nighttime everybody came out and they uh you know left their windows open and they sat out on the stoops i mean obviously this is way before my time but um i can't imagine like the conversations, you know, people their windows open and they sat out on the stoops.
I mean, obviously this is way before my time, but, um, I can't imagine like the conversations, you know, people, whatever, smoking cigars, cigarettes, playing cards, shooting the shit debates and all of that stuff. So it's kind of as much as they're getting fucked up, you know, drinking and stuff.
It is good to see people like, I don't know, not just like not staring at their phones. I think that that's what it is.
Like these guys are hanging out being their own entertainment. Um, so anyway, uh, I decided that I was going to do something.
Um, I wanted to do a bunch of shit that I've, I'd never done before or always wanted to do in New York, you know, but I was always too busy trying to get somewhere being a comedian. So one of the things I wanted to do was to go up to, uh, you know, Columbia university because I'm like, you know, that's a fucking Ivy league school.
Like right here in Manhattan, it's right in Harlem. Like, that's fascinating.
I want to go see what that looks like. And my dumb ass, I didn't know what, you know, I don't watch the news.
So I didn't know what was going on. I guess it was a bunch of protests up there and stuff.
And evidently they got, whoever started the protest, they're trying to deport him. Which is not a good sign of a democracy.
Like why aren't you allowed, you should be allowed to protest. You know, it doesn't line up with our foreign policy.
You need to get the fuck out of here. That's not a good sign for democracy.
A good sign for democracy is somebody has a protest and you're like, well, I don't agree with that, but I agree with your right to do that. That's it.
Not like, you say what I don't like. Get this guy, arrest him and get him the fuck out of here.
I didn't realize, I learned all of that afterwards. So, my dumb ass, I go up there, and, and I'm like, all right, you know, I'm obviously not a bookworm.
I want to go up there and see where the gym is. They got a football field.
I know it's Ivy League, but whatever, they still play sports, right sports right and i walk up there and the first thing i see is there's like some law building or something and i see all these kids they got like their fucking id cards and they got to like scan them and all of that shit and i was like oh no that's right we live in a police state now i'm not gonna be able to just walk not gonna have some fucking old weirdo just walking on their campus. They don't know what I'm doing.
So I showed up and the guy's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just want to come up, just walk the campus, you know, get my steps in.
Old guy, just fucking walking around. And they're like, okay, well, you can get like a visitor pass or whatever.
And I was just like, all right, well, I know what that entails. You know, back in the day, you just showed them a fucking ID.
And maybe they wrote your name down on like a yellow legal pad. But what I don't like now is you show them your ID.
They either scan the thing or they put it into the computer. And it's like, now you're just going to go sell that information.
At the end of the day, this is a college. It's a fucking business.
And this is sharing people's private information because they interacted with you

for less than fucking 20 minutes

walking across your campus.

And now you're just going to put

all my fucking information out there

so you can make money on it.

I don't even get a cut.

Oh, oh, Billy's up on his fucking soapbox.

This is something I would like to see politicians change.

How about we get a cut

of our own personal information? Like if a corporation is going to turn around and sell it, it's my information. Shouldn't I get a cut? I mean, I get it that you're making the deal, right? But I should give me to kick me 10 percent, Columbia.
Give me 10 percent of my information being sold.

Why can't I do that?

I mean, is that asking too much?

Is it?

Anyway, so I wanted to get a dog, man,

after playing with those puppies this morning.

It was funny, and I was talking to all the rescue people,

and I was like, oh, yeah, I had a pit bull.

They go, oh, I love the pit bull.

I go, yeah, but mine was crazy or whatever, you know? And they of course would go well you know you know it's the owner and blah blah i go no this thing came out of the the dog womb crazy it just was a crazy dog um and unfortunately it was a pit bull because you know so they were kind of not receptive to the information till i kind of explained it i go go, put it this way. I go, my trainer that I spent a zillion dollars on trying to get this dog to not try to kill everybody that came through the door.
He finally threw his fucking hands up and just basically said, you know, this is one of these dogs that nature said no to, but people said yes to. And I took that to mean the mother knew there was something wrong with my dog and rejected it.
But the dog was so adorable that somebody else, you know, you know, these dog people, they probably started fucking breastfeeding the thing. And, uh, so did I ever tell you one of the saddest fucking nature videos I ever saw was this mother bird came back to her nest and I think she had food or whatever and she just she looked down at all three of her birds and then just picked one of them up and threw them out of the nest just made a judgment call like I'm not gonna be to keep all three.
If I try to keep all three of these alive, you know, all three are going to die. But if I throw away one, two can live.
And she just threw it out of the nest and it just lands on the ground of the woods waiting for whatever to come along and eat it. And it's just sitting there chirping and the mother's ignoring it.
And it's just like, that is the shit right there.

The harshness and the sadness of that is what makes me

not be able to get my head wrapped around

a loving God that created this.

It's like, I think God wanted

I'm going to go ahead. a loving God that created this.
It's like, I think God wanted, like, I don't know what, like tension and strife and competition. I hope this isn't interpreted the wrong way by fucking more, you know those people who like read the art of war and imply it to their life, trying to make it as like a personal trainer.
And it's just like, yeah, I think it's about war. No, this is applicable.
This is applicable to what I do. Anyway, shit is fucking depressing.
So anyway, I don't know where the fuck I'm going with any of this stuff so today I have a uh I have a later every day like the call time has been later and later and um and at some point we're gonna be done with previews and then we going to be in the official opening night and the real deal um of the show and i guess all you have to do is show up a half hour before your show so then all of a sudden it just becomes it's just like oh you just get to come down here and have fun once or twice during the day. It's kind of like maybe one of the greatest gigs in show business.
I'll tell you what sucks is right down the block, Denzel Washington and Jake Gyllenhaal are doing a play. And it's just like, I mean, it's fucking Denzel.
I got to go watch this guy act like live. Like how amazing would that be? But I am too fucking stupid to understand Shakespeare.
I just don't understand what's happening i know it's english but it's like retired english so it's like i'm there's no fucking way i'm not going to go to that show so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna get the book like the cliff notes, just like back in the day when I was in high school,

so I can read the fucking play and try to understand what is happening first.

So when I go there, I can enjoy everybody's performances rather than...

You know when you're too dumb to get something and you just sort of sit there quietly and you look in the same direction as all the other humans but like you don't move your head but your eyes are kind of like looking out the side of your head like am i the only guy who uh is a little confused by all of this so um i don't know i think it's time i put my fucking big boy pants on and try to understand Shakespeare. So, I don't know.
Or maybe I should just understand my limitations. Because, like, I think Denzel and Jake are so good that even if I don't quite understand what's going on, just watching what they're doing alone is going to be enough.
I don't know. We shall see.
So anyway, so getting back to that other shit. So I went up to Columbia, did not walk the campus, but something good came out of it.
I walked down the street and there was this Hungarian pastry place with a line down the block. It's been there for, I don't know how many years, looks mom and pop run or whatever.
So I'm going to take my lovely wife there because I don't eat sweets anymore. Try not to anyways.
Cause, cause that's how I got my fucking dad bought or whatever. So today I'm going to the gym.
Ego day, baby. Ego day.
Upper body. Upper body.
Here's the thing. If you can somehow get into lower body the way you are upper body, I've been trying to do that, right? Because I came up in the 80s.
I'm institutionalized. All it is is about how much you fucking benching.
Dude, he curls with fucking 180 pounds. Every time that time I was at a gym and I saw this guy curling 225 pounds, he had fucking 245s on both sides.
Didn't have him locked either. So they were sort of rattling when he did it and everybody just out of the side

it was one of the most amazing feats of strength i've ever seen he did like i think like four or five reps of it and he was curling it and i remember every time when he would bring it up he'd go he'd go hot hot it was and my goal was to bench 225 um old skinny billy skinny skinny billy back in the day was my goal was to bench what this guy was fucking curling with and i did bench it i did it one fucking time but the problem is the one person who saw me do it has passed away. The late, great Wayne Previty.
We used to go to this place, the Bulldog Gym on Hollywood Boulevard. And I think it's like a nightclub now.
And we used to work out there. And I remember we were there when that dude was curling 225 i remember looking at wayne and he looked at me like dude what the fuck it was insane it was just one of these guys that like i mean he was putting the work in and everything but he was just like he was just built like the hulk and it was.
He was just one of these guys that was just a fucking walking refrigerator. Yeah, never forgot him.
And then there was another time when I was still living in New York. And I was on the Upper East Side.
And I was a member at New York sports clubs. And I remember there was this fucking fucking old school guy he'd come in there he looked like ken patera if you remember that wrestler he had like a fucking blonde long perm and he was an old guy like probably younger than me but then i considered him old he was about 50 and he had the gray sweatshirt and the gray sweatpants and chuck taylor's and he had the white towel tucked in around his neck tucked in to the sweatshirt right dressed like rocky balboa and and he had glasses or maybe like a headband i don't know what and he would go in and he would be lifting this crazy weight and when he would bring it down he'd go and when he would push it up he'd go yeah right so he would be doing sets loud as going yeah yeah and my favorite one he would do the last rep he'd go yeah so the dude was he was a little off right so like it would make you just fucking laugh but like he was putting up crazy weight it's like i don't want this fucking gorilla fucking thinking i'm laughing at him but again and i just remember anytime he was there i would just put my head down and I would be like, you know, with like the towel, acting like I was wiping sweat off my mouth and I was just fucking dying laughing.
And then invariably I would lock eyes with somebody else and they would be laughing and you'd just be fucking laughing. You couldn't even get, like if, there was no way to do a set when this guy was doing a set.
You had to, like, time your set in between him going, yeah, because you would be laughing too hard to fucking get through your fucking reps. Anyway, so how much time have I done? Look at that.
Bam, right there. 30 minutes.
30 minutes of fucking bullshit. all right i'm gonna go fucking go do my ego day i'm gonna go to my big gay gym with all the fellas and uh fucking knock it out and then uh i get i have the privilege of fucking working with these amazing actors again tonight i still can't believe i'm doing doing this gig.
If you guys get a chance, you've got to come down here. Because this is a legendary play.
And I really feel like the cast is putting their own stamp on it. And I'm telling you, I find myself just watching the monitor.
Even though I've seen all of these actors do this hundreds of times at this point and just watching what they're doing with it. I knew it was going to be fun.
I had no idea it was going to be this fun. So come on.
That's a great excuse to come to New York. It's getting warmer.
Spring time's coming. You know, spring only lasts six days now.
So make sure you get here before it's hot as balls. Come down, check out the show.
All right, that's the podcast. Enjoy the music.
Picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themilis. And then we'll have a bonus episode of a previous Thursday.
What the fuck is the name of this podcast? The Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

All right, that's it.

Have a great weekend, you cunts.

And I'll talk to you on Monday. Thank you.
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, March 13th, 2017, what's going on? How are you? How are you? You know what? I ask you that every week.
But this Monday, I would really like to know, how are you? What's going, Mandy, what's going on with you? You're scaring me. You know, that's the type of shit you can do when you're abroad.
But if you're a guy, you can't do that. You can't be like, Mike, what's going on with me? What's going on with me? What's going on with you? You're scaring scaring me you know as you're taken by both his hands um all right i got an hour here to do and i gotta be honest with you i don't have shit to say because my life has become very compartmentalized being a dad here daddy oh oh she's asleep downstairs man she's fucking awesome Anybody who says that being a parent is hard is a fucking pussy.

You know, I'm not saying that it's not tedious.

I'm not saying it's not like walking around with a little fucking kettlebell all day long, you know?

Especially if you fucked up one of your rotator cuffs.

I got to keep her in close on the right-hand side, you know?

Keep her in tight.

Tiki Barber, don't fumble.

But we just sat around.

We listened to a lot of music with her.

I was looking for a little bit. right hand side you know keep her in tight tiki barber don't fumble um but uh we just sat around we uh listened a lot of music with her i was listening to fucking um what was i listening to yesterday just like they called malt shop oldies it's basically like doo-wop from the 1950s and i kind of settled on that channel and after a while i wanted to turn the channel but I couldn't because she was sleeping.
And the remote was across the table. Once they fall asleep, dude, it's just like, you know, I don't care what position you're in.
You're not moving because they're fucking sleeping, right? So I just sat there and listened on a loop to all this. Slowly going out of my fucking mind.
do-wop's great for about four songs in a row and then it just becomes the same song over and over and fucking over again um i was listening to that shit for like a fucking like an hour and like half of those songs have been in Scorsese movies. You know? It's always like some guy's name and then the name of a card.
You know? So-and-so in the Fleetwoods, something-something in the Belmonts. Dion and the Belmonts, you gotta love them.
They're still fucking great. You know? The Wanderer.
That fucking song is so applicable to anybody who didn't get married and you're in your 40s. You know, well, I'm the type of guy who will never settle down.
It makes you feel great about the choice you made. Until, you know, you realize he sang it in his 20s.
You're like, oh, fuck. What was another one? You talk too much too much you talk too much you worry me to death you talk too much i think he says you even worry my pet it's just like that can't be the fucking line but they played it twice um speaking of talking too much just what the fuck i do on this podcast um oh i know what i could i know what we actually had a date night this is how much of a fucking dad i'm becoming you know still playing drums you know schedule a helicopter uh thing so you know i'm still trying to keep the hobbies going but they're starting to wobble on the sticks here so um we were watching a commercial the other day.
No, we were watching Wheel of Fortune the other day and they always get to the fucking the last prize and Wheel of Fortune is so fucked. They're notoriously cheap.
First of all, you're basically spinning this giant roulette wheel and even on the roulettelette wheel, they got green zero and the double green zero. And just that alone, that alone will completely fuck you over.
Now, obviously, you guys hopefully have listened to this podcast long enough to know that I am not a mathematician. So I cannot explain why, but just having those two will fuck you over.
But's their faces the uh wheel of fortune they got like fucking i swear to god it's like two or three bankrupts lose a turn just constantly every two seconds you just hear that fucking reverse flute thing and they go bankrupt and then it comes to their big prize when they try to act like they're going to throw down some goddamn cash.

The last one, it's so fucking difficult.

We're going to guess some letters for you.

We're going to guess some letters for you. What do you mean you guess some letters for me?

You know the fucking answer.

And they act like it's weird when only like one letter, they only guess one letter right.

And then people are like, okay, give me three fucking letters in a vowel p um f l and a and then it's always like

great guesses but uh you're not gonna like this we only got one letter it's just like

you know do the best you can they always fuck them over but this lady this lady

she actually did okay and she won the prize she didn't do okay she fucking crushed it

Thank you. You always fuck them over.
But this lady, this lady, she actually did okay and she won the prize. She didn't do okay.
She fucking crushed it. I can't remember.
It was like keep your hands to yourself or something like that was solving. Like, no, this is a phrase.
Like who would ever come up with that on a fucking game show? Keep your hands to yourself. It was something on that level.
It was like semi-aggressive slash, you know, date rapey. And it's on a fucking game show.
Don hands to yourself it was something on that level it was like semi-aggressive slash you know date rapey and it's on a fucking game show and she somehow got it there is a point at the end of this right and she ends up winning this fucking two-seater some sort of Mazda some shit it's not a Miata I don't know what the fuck it was Suzuki I have no fucking idea it was a two seat sport car and immediately my first thought was I looked at Nia I was just like you can't get a kid in there and then she laughed she's like ah look you're becoming a dad and I'm like no I'm not I'm still young and cool but she was right you know not becoming a dad I am a god damn dad but I'm not going to be one of those douchey dads that talks about how, or parents who talks about how fucking difficult their life is. It's fucking awesome.
Look, having a kid when you're in your 20s and you're broke sucks. You know, but when you travel in the country and they're paying you money to talk about your dicks and do fucking dicks.
Talking about your dick and do shit jokes. It's not that bad.
I'm only on the road like six days a fucking month. You know, unless I fly in a night early to go watch the fucking Bruins or Celtics or some shit.
If our schedules line up. And out of that, then I'm here.
And she's cool as shit man she doesn't really cry

she only cries you know

needs a diaper change

wants to be held

you know

is hungry

other than that she totally chills

she's met a bunch of people

she doesn't freak out with strangers

one of the best compliments I got

she's like oh your kid's really

there's a really relaxed healthy baby

you know what I mean

which I'm fucking psyched

because that's what I want

Thank you. of the best compliments i got it's like oh your kid's really uh there's a really relaxed healthy baby you know what i mean which i'm fucking psyched because that's what i want it obviously healthy but i want a fucking chill baby i don't want like i basically don't want my kid to be like me that's why i got to keep up with this meditating because i didn't do it for a minute.
And the, Oh,

the old gray mare,

she ate.

I started fucking going back to what the fuck I was,

you know?

Like I fucking,

uh,

I was trying to,

you know,

sneak out of the bedroom because I was going to go work out because I'm a

fucking fat cupcake eating douche.

And,

um, Nia just opens her eyes and just goes could you change it really quick i just stopped and i looked at her and i said you really need to work on your good mornings she's like sorry good morning and even though i was right my tone was just it was way too you know i was like that uh

i would say liam neeson neam neam leeson leeson i don't know whatever i i took it too far

which kills me that's why i love meditating because i don't take it too far and if i make

a point i'm still right but when i don't meditate you know i basically i walk around at a six

Thank you. me that's why i love meditating because i don't take it too far and if i make a point i'm still right but when i don't meditate you know i basically i walk around at a six you know like saying 10 is completely losing your shit i walk around i'm just walking down the street with a balloon on my wrist at a six to a seven so it's very easy for me to go right to 10 unless i meditate then that backs backs me down to about four or three, which still is pretty high, but it's kind of cut my number almost in half.
But what kills me is when I'm not meditating and I'm up around a six or a seven, you know, it gets that point. Even if I'm right, my reaction gives them this this wiggle room, you know, some Bill Clinton wiggle room to get the fuck out of it, you know, some Trump executive order thing to go around some shit.
So, you know, so I gotta stay on that type of shit. Dude, speaking of fucking Neom Leeson, Neom Leeson, why can't, why can't you know it's one of those

it goes by so fucking quick

you never really even hear it

no Bill

we all hear it

you don't

I'm gonna get this guy's

fucking name right

he's a great actor

Neem

oh no

it's Liam Neeson

his first name's not Liam

yes it is

Neem Leeson

ah whatever

I'll never get that right

Thank you. name's not Liam yes it is Liam Lisa whatever I'll never get that right I'm never gonna get that fucking right anyways the fucking head of hair on that son of a bitch um anyways I saw a fucking great movie this week so Saturday night Saturday Saturday we go out and and we actually have a date night.
So we're like, all right, we'll get maybe like dinner and a movie. We're basically turned about appetizer and a drink.
And I'm sitting there like, you know, I'm on the wagon. I can't do it.
And he's like, oh, just fucking have one. So I was like, all right, I'll have one, you know, still on the wagon.
You know, I'm not like a fucking alcoholic where i just got to shut the whole thing off you know what i mean so i had one i had a cognac a fucking cognac and i just said you know i just ordered the best one that they had you know so it tasted amazing but it was also like drinking gasoline so i could only sip it and we got like an appetizer and then we just sat there uh you know shooting the shit it felt weird because we hadn't been out together in a while and then we just started talking about our daughter and looking at pictures of her it's like two addicts going out you know what i mean at some point you're going to start talking about blow and how much fun it is um so then you know after that we walked up the street we went to the movie theater and uh we saw get out um the jordan peele fiend uh film dude fucking, that was amazing. You gotta go see it.

I know there's, you know, there's always that movie where everybody's like, dude, you gotta go fucking see it.

And it doesn't live up to the hype.

It lived up to the hype, man.

It was fucking great.

And what I loved about it, and what I love about all fucking movies like this,

is there was a bunch of shit in there that he left you to figure out yourself.

And I saw the movie like two three days ago saturday that was a monday two days ago you know and i keep even i'm driving i'm still thinking about the movie i was like oh fuck that was this and this meant that and this is over here and this person's ad like you know it was the perfect length the whole thing and the acting in it was unbelievable um dude that fucking guy I swear to god man that's like one of the most talented people to come around in a long long time you know to be that good at like you know the characters that he did on his sketch show and the writing and then on top of that you can direct i mean he's kind of fucking limitless as far as his talent goes but if you haven't seen it yet before somebody ruins it you got to go check it out all right there's my i never do a movie plug so there you go there's one for you um so we ended up going to that thing. And I don't remember what the fuck we did after that.

I think we just came straight home.

Oh, I know.

We walked up to my car.

And for some reason, the fucking lights were on.

Because cars are so goddamn confusing.

Like, wherever the fuck my lights used to be was the automatic.

You just turn the car on and they fucking come on at night.

Like, somehow the lights sense night. Fucking creepy that and i did the manual one and now that it's on the manual one i can't figure out where the fuck to put it so now i always have to do it and now i'm like you know but you know what kills me with today's technology is i left those things on went and had a drink and an appetizer and then saw like a fucking, whatever that movie is, 90 minutes, hour and 45 minute movie and I came back, my car still started up.
Back in the day, you were fucked. Everybody had jumper cables.
Dude, can you give me a jump? Do you mind if you can't? Ain't to bother you. Can you give me a jump? And it was always like the shittiest fucking car ever and you're like oh man nah man i can't i can't now you can just say no i can't the big why not it's like well with today's technology it's pointless for me to ever look under my hood i just take it down to the dealer and they deal with everything i don't even know where the battery is i can guarantee you when i when i fucking up the hood, I probably have to remove something to get to one of the terminals.
I don't know why you're not a member of AAA, but I don't want to tell you. I get in my car and I drive away from a fellow American.
You understand me? Dude, what's going on with the fucking Celtics? They've lost six of their last 11 games. They're five and six.
And now the Wizards, the Wiz, ease on down, ease on down the road. Hold.
I never really realized that until a buddy of mine has been giving me shit, you know, because the Wizards have been playing well against the Celtics and just playing great this year. They slid into second place.
And I just keep trashing about the name. Like the Bullets is too violent, you know, which I understand because this city was so violent back in the day, you know.
But to go from being the Bullets, which I used to think, you know, number one with the bullet, that's how I always looked at it. Or faster than a speeding bullet, Superman shit.
I didn't think like, you know, the team was embracing gang violence out on the street. It was like pro crack.
It's such stupid shit. I fucking hate when they, so then what do they do? What are the soccer moms fucking political correct police who for some fucking stupid reason think that they're these progressive people and think that they can just change words.

If we change words, it changes the perception.

No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't.

If your parents were dopes, racist cunts, that's what the fuck your kid's going to be.

That's it.

Unless your kid is lucky enough to interact with somebody within the group that your parents used to fucking trash. Then maybe you got some daylight.
You don't just change a word and it's this fairy dust that sprinkles over somebody's heart and you change their thought. It's so fucking dumb.
All it did was just become a way to lose your job because you said the wrong fucking word. And then what? The person who uses the word? Then they realize it after they lose their job.
Oh, now I'm not racist or homophobic. It's so fucking dumb.
So they've gone right down to these stupid fucking team names. I love how they changed the bullets but not the redskins you know i think you got you got like the fucking uh like if they haven't changed the redskins i'd be like yeah i get that i get that like the indians you know it's like all right you know we weren't from fucking we weren't you know columbus didn't understand that there was a real world this shit's even real who the? There was no tape recorders.
This guy didn't have a fucking diary. But how the story was told was that he was like, no, man, the world is fucking round.
And this guy had the balls. This guy had the fucking balls to start going towards where they thought you'd go off the edge of the earth in a fucking boat you know i don't know why the water makes it more scarier but you know if anybody just sat around thought about say all right the world is fucking flat um how isn't the water just running off the edges here do they not have counters and sinks i guess they didn't do they Did plumbing at that point again you know the romans did fucking heathens banging each other in the goddamn bathrooms there whatever they did ate until they had puke rooms just eat until you fucking puke so i would actually think well at the very least even if it is flat the fact that there's still water in the ocean there's got to be land on the other side holding it in right but not old christopher columbus not old chrissy he was like no fuck that i'm gonna get to the west indies whatever the fuck it was i'm gonna get to india um going the other way let me fucking sky the balls to sail out that way sails out that way and then he thinks oh fuck these people must be indian you know that's just sort of like oh are you arab i thought you were italian i mean it's at that level of offensive.
Like, I mean, would you really get that offended?

Like, no, I'm fucking Arab.

How dare you?

You'd be like, well, what do you got against Italians, you cunt?

Sorry.

Anyways.

Speaking of which, I don't understand all these people going on to Ancestry.com. Why you would go to a fucking website and let them take a swab of your saliva?

How fucking dumb are people?

Oh my God, I didn't realize,

you know, I'm also Swahili.

Whatever the fuck.

Why do I always pick Swahili?

I was thinking Romania.

I didn't understand.

I was also Hungarian.

Great. Now I know why I like goulash one eighth of the time.
At this point, you're so fucking far removed. And I don't understand why people are sitting there acting like there's any sort of culture.
There isn't. All right.
It's just like what I saw in the greater Phoenix area. There's a new patch of land.
You know, you fucking clear it out. You put a bunch of houses down, and then you slam down a fucking strip mall.
Sorry, I've got to do this podcast before. My daughter wakes up here.
Yeah, they slap down a fucking strip mall and they just continue to progress.

That's basically, you know,

then there's a cheesecake factory,

they get a frozen yogurt place,

and that's what it's become.

Okay, there's no,

there's no culture left, is there?

I mean, that is the culture.

It sounds like one of the douchey talk show right now.

There is no culture.

And this is what needs to stop. We have to stop these strip malls.
All right, do you have a solution? No, I don't. I just don't like CVS-anchored strip malls.
There was a bunch of people out the other day. You know when you just have, like, shit to do? Like, it was Saturday, right? And it's rained a bunch when we were out here.
And some fucking idiot politician said the drought's over. It's like, no it isn't.
It's never over. It's just in a good place right now.
When is it going to rain again? You don't know. So now you're going to let people go back to taking long fucking showers? I never do that out here.
I turn on and shut off the water like fucking five times when I take a shower.

I turn it on, you know, get yourself wet, you know, and then you shut it off.

Sud yourself up.

Then you turn it back on, rinse yourself off, you shut it off and that's it.

So instead of standing there under the cascading water, you know, like you're some sort of God. And I like to think a lot of people try to do that at least.
My wife doesn't. She fucking turns the thing on, is fucking walking around, you know.
She's one of those chill people. She doesn't think about shit like that, you know.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm a better person than my wife, and I don't know how to bring that up. If you guys know a good way to word it.
Like how can I basically say, you know what it is, honey? I guess at the end of the day, I'm just. I'm just a better person than you are.
I just already pictured her rolling her eyes. Anyways.
The fuck was my point. All yeah so indians okay that's like fucking that's almost kind of funny like now you're fucking dope you're like 6 000 miles away from where you think you are i guess it was probably funny at first he started chopping people's arms off because they couldn't fucking get some gold for the holes in his teeth.
And who the fuck am I to say what's offensive? But you would think that red skin, that would be at the top of the fucking list over bullets. You know what was the worst one? The fact that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now just the Rays.
You know? That's when you know you gotta move move. That's when you just sit like, wait a minute, are there enough Jesus freaks in this area that the local team has to appease their, you know, hocus pocus bullshit? I mean, Devil Rays, isn't that an actual name of of some sort of stingray?

I have no idea.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

All I know is that that guy's first name is Liam.

That sounds too close like Lyme, like Lyme disease.

All right, Devil Ray.

Here we go. Yeah.
let me see here all i'm seeing is pictures of fucking stingrays giant ones with the fucking you know like they're flying through the water if somebody can explain to me how that makes you move forward when they make you go up to the surface? Dude, these things are fucking gigantic. They're badass.
Look at the thing. It's getting air.
It's jumping out of the water unless somebody photoshopped it. I got to go video now.
They just changed it to the rays. We're just the rays.
Incredible flying rays. So I guess devil ray was the nickname? Oh Jesus Christ, I don't need a commercial.
I do the commercials, not you. On the west coast there's always some fucking English accent in the show, plus it's the BBC, sorry.
Oh, Jesus.

What are they showing? There's always some fucking English accent in the show. Plus it's the BBC.
Sorry.

Oh, Jesus.

What are they showing there?

Somehow I got a fucking pelican.

20 abnormally large animals that actually exist.

This is how you fucking go down.

You go down just like a...

What do they call it? They go down the fucking rabbit hole.

Let's see.

Come on, man.

Oh, that was a school of them. I'm an asshole.
Right as it fucking got good. Jesus, those things are ugly as shit, huh? All right, so they're in a helicopter, I imagine.
They're this uh this whole school of them it's like a fucking devil ray orgy that's why i bet the other ones are like more like uh what do they what do you call it for just monogamous these things are out here fucking the shit out of each other and the local jesus freaks down in clearwater florida they couldn't have it. They fly out of the fucking water.
They're not too graceful with the landing there. Alright, I'll repost that fucking video in case you want to watch that while you listen to me ramble about it.
Yeah, they changed it to the Rays. The Tampa Bay Rays.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Two syllables, two syllables.

Okay, they went from 4-4 time to 3-4.

They turned their fucking team into a waltz.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

All right, I don't know.

I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Can I read? Can I read?

You guys want to listen to me read out loud?

Hey, everybody, it's time to feel better about the brain you were blessed with. Is this it right here? Can somebody explain to me why it's not at the font I need? I like a nice fucking 18.
Font. That's good for me.
Now, why the fuck would they say that I'm walking around wearing them? I would wear that if I was like 20 years younger. Okay.
Let me tell you something. If you're in your late fucking forties and you can't afford a fucking, you can't afford a decent watch, decent watch.
Cause I don't, I don't go for the flash. You know what I mean? I don't, I don't understand that.
That fuck mean i get it i guess i get it that rolex thing that hacky thing i got a rolex as you can see i've made my dreams come true i'm a man of the world you know there's a lot of guys out there you know my dad always said a man should own a nice watch what else did he say i get the fuck out of here i'm taking a watch. What else did he say? Hey, get the fuck out of here.
I'm taking a shit. What else did he say that was so fucking deep? Maybe you had a nice, calm, relaxing person in your life.
Maybe you did. I'm always jealous of that.
When I see calm families, they've got to be bored shitless. You know what what i would actually be willing to guess that the child that is more likely to just go fucking nuts you know what i mean take out the family car you know throw a hatchet over somebody's head it's gonna come from a calm family after a while.

That's stupid.

No, it isn't.

I'm just saying it's possible.

Just the fucking monotony of it.

Like, you ever go to Disneyland and you're fucking worn out

and then you just start hearing

it's a small world

and it just keeps going over and over again

and you slowly feel yourself

like losing your sanity?

That right there is why I don't believe in heaven or hell. You know what I mean? I just don't believe in it.
It doesn't make any fucking sense. You know? Like if heaven was, if it was just heaven the whole fucking time, heaven would eventually become hell.
Because it would just be so fucking nice and everybody would just be walking around. Isn't this great? Oh my God, it's great.
Can you believe how great this is? This is just fucking great. Every fucking day.
And at some point you're going to be like, I did it. It's fucking great.
You know? Like what do you do? For the rest of your fucking life

You're just sitting there

And it's always the same

It's just awesome

It never rains

There's no disappointments

There's no challenges

There's no funny stories to tell anymore

Hey you remember

Remember that time when it was awesome yeah it's always awesome right then if you're in hell i'm on fire i'm on fire god i'm on fire i'm on fire after a while you know i'm yeah i'm on fire i can't yell anymore this has just become normal i don't even remember what my fucking life was like before I got here I don't know I guess hell you can actually see how that would suck I just don't get heaven I don't want to fucking be like at some point something happens to happen as I'm riding around on my fucking all angel white bicycle at some some point, you got to get a flat, right?

Then immediately somebody would be there to help you out.

They'd be saying a bunch of nice shit to you.

I would slowly just start crying.

I would just whisper at some point,

you'd be like, Jesus.

I know this is weird.

I understand.

I'm not trying to be that guy who's not appreciative,

but could you just say, you know,

Thank you. I know this is weird.
I understand. I'm not trying to be that guy who's not appreciative.
But could you just, you know, could you just call me a cunt or something? Could you fucking just slap me with your sandal? You know, can you just imagine the look on his face as he just sits there, you know, not saying anything, as you talk yourself into a corner, and he's just sort of looking at, you know, people look at you when they go from one eye to the other, right eye, your left eye, your right eye, your left eye. And you're like, this motherfucker is trying to get in my head right now.
The son of God is trying to get in my fucking head. Then you got to explain that to the boss's son, why you don't like heaven.
Not that you don't like it, but it's just like, can you make it rain every once in a while? Can it be that dog that's just fucking barking right as I'm going to sleep? Can we just have that? Does every fucking dog have to behave itself? Why can't I say that word, Jesus? Why can't I say that word? Am I disrupting it? What are you going to do now? Send me down to hell? It's over. I already passed the test.
Alright? Can somebody be annoyed with fucking something up here? Look at everybody. Look at them all.
These fucking goddamn smiles on their faces. It's creepy, Jesus.

I don't know.

Would you want to fucking be like,

it's like you joined a cult.

All of these fucking, you know what I mean?

If I was running shit, I would make religion illegal.

It would just be fucking,

I would just take it all away from everybody. You know? That's what I would do.
I would have a fucking crew of robots, you know, to infiltrate every fucking religion. And then when I made it illegal, they would join the radicalized people in every group, right?

And then they would just wipe them all out.

You know, and then you'd have to listen

to the whining and the crying

of people that remembered fucking religion and all.

You just take the whole fucking thing away.

And the new religion is,

hey, I don't know what the fuck happens

after you die.

You know? But, you know, let's be nice to each other. And that's it.
Okay, no walking on water, no never running out of fish, parting seas. I don't know about anybody else's religion.
I don't know what the fuck, but I know there's always some fucking crazy thing that you know didn't happen and everybody acts like it happened. It didn't happen.
It was painted on a fucking cave wall and somebody elaborated on it. I don't know.
I'd get rid of it personally. I'm just talking for myself.
Personally, I would get rid of it. By the way, guess what I'm doing on March 29th out here in Los Angeles?

All right.

If you're in Los Angeles and you're a Guns N' Roses fan and you like reading their books about the band, I've read every fucking one of them.

I read Slashes.

I read Steven Atlas. I read the kid from Cantor's.
You know, knew the band, took all the pictures. I have that fucking book.
And recently, I don't know when she put it out, but Deanna Adler, Stephen Adler's mom, wrote a book. Sweet child of mine.
And especially if you if you you should read this you should read stevens first you know you get his version of the hell he went through as an addict and then you get his mother's version which is unbelievable and you know what would be a fucking amazing is if you could go down and meet her at a book signing at bonds and noble at the grove on march 29th i believe it starts at 7 p.m and you go down there and you can fucking meet the mother of the best fucking one of the best drummers of the 80s my personal opinion you know what would be even more fucking amazing is if all of them came on my podcast and I got to interview them.

Oh, shit!

Is there a special Monday morning podcast coming up this week?

Wouldn't that be incredible?

What would it be like if Stephen Adler,

and you guys all know how much I fucking love him,

his mother Deanna Adler,

and then their brother Jamie Adler all came on my fucking podcast. What would that be like? What would it be like if they all came on at the same time and they were this big happy family that just sat there interrupting each other and you felt like you were at their fucking dinner table? How fucking cool would that be if I did a podcast like that? Well, it's going to happen.
It already happened. I already recorded it and i'll wait till you guys listen to it but um i had so much fun with them and uh their mother is an absolute salt of the earth sweetheart and she has a book signing and um she's all excited slash nervous that no one's gonna show up you know as you put out a special, what if nobody watches it? So, um, I'm going to be hyping this, um, right up until March 29th.
Um, it would be such a great thing if there was a bunch of people down there, I'm going to be down there standing in line with the rest of yous, uh, probably get down there. I don't know, probably like around, uh, eight ish.
I think it starts at like seven i'll be down there around eight just because i got i got some fucking thing i'm taping right before it but um yeah i did a special podcast i got to meet steven adler and i'm still freaking out and uh and i'll wait till you guys listen to the interview and then i'll tell you all the fucking cool stories. All right, here we go.
Let's plow ahead here. Oh, my Bruins beat the fucking Flyers.
Oh, with that little fucking prayer of a shot at the end. Not a prayer.
Just put it on net and somehow it found its way to the back of the net. Bruins pick up a huge two points.
Bruins are playing great. And as are the Canadians, which I don't like the Canadians, but I'm happy for Claude Julien I think the Bruins might have been right to make a move at this point I think it's just one of those things with coaching after a while even if the person is great even if they won your cup it's just part of coaching at some point they just show you the door but um we're playing great we look a lot better than we did so i think maybe both it's worked out and the fucking canadians are playing better with claude julian all my friends in this business who are hab fans they keep texting me saying that they're loving the guy so i guess it worked out for everybody so there you go and claude went from original fucking six to an original six um there you go all right so anyways let's plow ahead here um let's read some of the uh some of the fucking whatever you call them for this week the uh the questions all right ddp yoga hey bill first of all thank you very much for your consistently amazing podcast well thank you for listening thank you for doing what you do sir or ma'am i absolutely love it to be honest with you i feel like it's getting it's i feel like getting it for free is too much i'd gladly pay five to ten bucks a month for all the content you're releasing you don't need to do that i'm fucking i'm doing great with the advertising you know that's why i fuck around during the advertising because that's how i fucking make money but i know you guys are going to fast forward through it unless i keep peppering it with fucks and cunts that's it it's a very simple formula anyhow he said i wanted to get in touch and address your self-proclaimed dad bod.
Have you ever heard of or looked into DDP yoga? If not, maybe the name Diamond Dallas Page rings a bell. Former WCW wrestler and all-around great guy.
After leaving the wrestling business, he devoted himself to getting his body back in peak condition. Even through wrestling, even though wrestling is, quote, fake, it definitely takes a toll.
Yeah, they beat the shit out of their bodies. Long story short, he went from being a guy who wouldn't be caught dead in a yoga studio to trying it after all else failed to develop his own system and helping thousands of people completely revitalize their lives.
And I can tell you from personal experience, it's fucking great. No bullshit, no fluff, no instructors calmly whispering about chakra alignment.
Is that how you say it? Chakra it chakra chakra it's about consistently performing the physical and mental exercises that will have you operating at your best this is a commercial healing nagging aches and pains increasing your endurance gaining mental clarity etc like i said no fluff here's the video that got me to take a chance on it it's not too late for you Billy I hope you'll check it out thanks again for the goddamn podcast all the best to you and your family uh that actually read like a commercial but you know what I don't give a shit it's a physical fitness thing and so many people have taken yoga and done it in a different way you know because there is that thing if you're really like a wound up psycho to go into a yoga class

and the tone with which

that they speak is a little jarring

you know

to be in your car going

go you fucking cunt

the light is green you could have made it

to then being like

how is everyone feeling today

I know the traffic was kind of bad

I hope

Thank you. to then being like, how is everyone feeling today? I know the traffic was kind of bad.

I hope you're not bringing that energy in here.

As they're slowly walking around,

lighting these smelly fucking things.

And as they're talking, the person next to you just goes.

And immediately you just want to like,

Thank you. And as they're talking, the person next to you just goes.
And immediately you just want to like, I don't know, just slowly roll up your mat and just walk out. Like, I can't, like, I get it.
I get that I need to chill out, but I can't feel like, you know, you know what? It just becomes like this asexual thing where everybody's just kind of like, Hey man, we're just kind of, you know, everybody's just like, we're all like one, you know, we're like plants. Um, that's a little fucking jarring.
I'll give it a shot. I've actually been meaning to do it cause I keep having setbacks with my fucking shoulder.
Um, which is really frustrating, but, um, most of it is diet. So diet.
So whenever I get in shape, the first thing I do is I cut out the booze. And all I really need to, I need to go like four to six days without any booze.
Even just having that one cognac didn't really do anything. Like I had the one and then immediately my body's like, hey, why don't we have 15 more? But I had to go to the movie and then I was fine.
And then the second I'm in there and the buzz starts to wear off, I think, oh, thank God I didn't have 15 more. Not to mention I got to drive, right? I'm going to give it a shot.
I just think if I did yoga, I'd have to do it in the morning before the little one wakes up. She's so fucking awesome, dude.
I'm telling you, you'll'll never regret it. I guess, you know when you regret it, if you have a kid with somebody that you're not in love with, I guess that that would suck.
But at the end of the day, the kid's still awesome. It's a hell of a door prize.
I'll tell you that right now. I'll tell you.
All right. Trans wrestling.
Hey there, I'm already going to watch this, if this is what I think it is is hey there billy boo uh did you hear the story about the trans girl going through hormone treatment who is still wrestling girls in high school his slash her defense is that it's a low dose of testosterone and it does not allow for any competitive advantage wait a minute isn't that what HGH is

that's human growth hormone? Well, I guess they don't do human growth hormone. I don't know what kind of hormones they take.
Having said that, I'm not sure I'd let my daughter wrassle a girl who had any edge at all. Even if it's a tiny bit of extra strength, it could be the difference in breaking a bone thoughts would you let your daughter wrestle in that situation uh yeah yeah i would then they're gonna break a fucking bone you know what i mean how many times do people break a bone in wrestling does that really happen they're just fucking on each other the whole time it's like you know like that official level shit not not not the fun shit the stone cold shit the the the actual official college shit it's like it's like competitive spooning you know what I mean it's like one person is trying to spoon with the other person the other person's like i want to be this the spooner not the spoonie that's basically what's going on they don't like you know no i wouldn't be concerned about that yeah i'm one of those dads where the kids crying going you know she's already half a guy i'd be be driving as far as i know she's still a girl so suck it up you want to be the best well then you gotta wrestle half a dude that's it i don't i don't want to hear another word out of you i'd be like that why don't you embrace the opportunity to be like, well, here we go.

If this is actually a fucking advantage, all this is going to do is make me better.

You know what I mean?

And then you can go up there and give your record.

27 and 0 against 100% chicks.

And 1 and 2 against someone who was half a dude.

Right?

You got to embrace it. I mean, what is that person supposed to do? There's not enough fucking people that are going through what the fuck she's going through to fit on either side.
You know? I think it's a cool thing. Fuck it.
Who gives a shit? Look, there's already going to be that fucking monster anyways.

Some woman's going to walk in there and just going to be blessed with frontier strength.

You know what I mean?

Chopping wood strength.

There's going to be that person anyways.

I mean, I guess if she was actually, if she was trying to get a scholarship in a loss, could potentially affect it. Maybe.
But I got to be honest with you. I think, I don't know.
I would, as a father, I'd be like, psyched. Hey, man, let's see how you do.
If this is actually an advantage,

this is a great fucking opportunity for you to become a better wrestler.

There's no money on the line.

Who gives a fuck?

Let's go.

Let me tell you something, brother.

Come this Saturday

when my daughter wrestles

against that half a dude.

What are you going to do

when these pythons run wild on you? I'd get get up for it i wouldn't give a shit fuck it um yemeni guy in europe so the person's from yemen yemeni yemen and ye how the fuck do you say that guy in europe all right hey bill i'm a yemeni guy who has been i hope i'm saying that right no disrespect here who's been living in europe for the past six fucking years although everything is going all right i want to ask your advice because i can relate to your personality hang on a second sir or ma'am i figure out where the... I'm assuming you're from Yemen.
What is Yemeni? What is a Yemeni? Whom? To whom is a Yemenite? Oh, why did that all disappear? What is a Yemeni?

Come on.

All right.

Relating to Yemen or its people.

Holy shit, I was right.

That's a nice flag.

They got a nice flag.

I like just the three bars.

I'm a big three-bar flag guy.

France, Italy,

Ireland,

Yemen.

All right.

What do you guys think of the new Russian flag?

I kind of like the old one.

The old one was the shit.

All red with that sickle.

I thought that that one was fucking dope.

The new one's all right. What is it, red, white, and blue? Holy shit, they got the same colors as us.
Is that what it is? It's something like that. I don't know.
I was watching this whole thing about Vladimir Putin poisoning these guys and shit. Allegedly.
I have no idea. I was watching it on 60 Minutes, so it's got to be true, right? Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
All right, Yemeni guy in guy in europe all right i've been over there for the last six fucking years i want to ask you a question because i can relate to your personality my family has been living in a war zone in yemen for the past two years our old house our old house there was bombed and my father was inside but the lucky bastard came out without a scratch. I miss them and wish I could help them, but that's kind of not possible now.
All right, I already feel like this is going to be way over my head. Before that, I lost some good old friends that I knew for more than 10 years because of some stupid incidents.
Was beaten by a gang of more than 15 men in Malaysia. On a trip there for no reason.
And my two year ex-girlfriend at the time. Cheated on me with their current boyfriend.
Isn't this fucking amazing? This guy is from the other side of the planet. And it's the exact same shit.
Gang violence. And your fucking girl got sick of you and fucking banged somebody else.
Cheated on me with her current boyfriend while I was on that trip, I guess, to Malaysia. And didn't have the decency to break up with me before that.
She was my first. You know, what are you going to do? People are young.
They don't know how to break up. So they wait till you go to Malaysia and they fuck somebody.

I mean, this is a time honored tradition of how to break up with somebody.

All right. So if you're with your first love, what have we learned?

Do not go by yourself to Malaysia.

I don't know how many times I brought that up on this podcast.

You cannot go to fucking Malaysia. All right.
I just graduated from college, college have a beautiful girlfriend which i love and feel blessed with what i have i know that i was an asshole at certain moments of my life but i have changed a long time ago and i'm still trying to be more honest clear and focused well welcome to the club sir i'm currently looking for a job in germany and we'll try to apply after that a German passport, which will make my life much easier and allow me to start a company and sustain myself without being dependent on others. Exactly.
You want to work for yourself. I know that you have lived certain moments in your life where you were faced with challenges that might have taught a lesson, but at the same time left a mark on your self-confidence? How did you empower yourself, and what advice would you give a young man like me confronting life's challenges? That's it, fuck face.
Congratulations on your baby, and fuck you. Now there's a guy, okay, who speaks at least three languages and still is able to break balls.
Isn't that amazing? He probably speaks Yemeni, Yemenite, Yemen-Asian, whatever the fuck he speaks, right? He knows that one. He's in Germany, so he's got to speak that language.
Why are you in this space, right? And he can also speak English. How did I empower myself uh I used to just say shit out loud to myself you know when I would feel the dark cloud of doubt coming in I would just you know it took me a while but I would I would um but I mean I wasn't facing what you were you're facing being an immigrant.
So, I mean, you're facing way more than I did in the, but the fact that, uh, I don't know, you're trying to become a better person, you know, you know, to reach out for help and all that. I think I, my gut says you're going to be fine.
What you have to do in general is when the doubt comes in, you got to the shit out of it you know you have to the biggest thing is is that you're conscious that this of the self-doubt so once you're conscious of it you can then address it it's when you're when you're really young and you're not conscious of it and that thought comes in and then you start dwelling on it and then it just washes over your whole body and you can literally, you know, have a fucking panic attack. What you have to do, I did anyways, is, you know, you try to cancel it out with a positive thought.
I know this sounds like hokey shit shit but i used to just say shit out loud i read some book one where and it started off with like i would just be walking down the street you know walking by other people and i would just randomly be just be like yeah fuck that fuck that he's looking at me like i was nuts but i was like fuck that negative thought i mean i wouldn't yell it but I would I would kind of just say fuck that fuck that no it isn't no it hasn't right no it won't or whatever the hell it was and then it just became like when I moved to New York and um trying to get in at the clubs I knew I was going to get in in, but you know, the day to day just seemed like, uh, like impossible. And, you know, the club owners and everything, and you know, some of them were cool and others enjoyed the fact that you were desperate and just really enjoyed that position of power over you.
And, uh, out of the club dejected. You know, I was afraid.
You know, am I going to run out of money? I don't have a job right now. I'm doing these driving back to Massachusetts to fucking feature in Dick Doherty's rooms that was not barely covering, you know, living in New York.
Every time you stepped outside, you blew 20 bucks, 30 bucks, you know? And I just, I started, what I said was, I'm tougher than you, New York, is what I would say. As hokey as that sound, that's what, you know, the city would kick me in the balls, and then I would just mumble that to myself.
Sometimes like six times in a row until I got that thought on my head and I would just say, and then I would just be like, I'm going to get in the clubs. I'm going to get in and I'm going to make a living.
I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine.
Everything's going to be fine. Fuck that.
Fuck that. Fuck that.
I mean, something like that. That's what I had to do.
And, um, and then it just, you know, and that continues throughout your fucking life. And, uh, you know, then you get to my age, you know, and I'm doing great and everything.
But there's also always your mortality around the fucking corner.

And how I've kind of mentally dealt with death, the inevitable death,

is that I just think it's going to be a great experience.

You know what I mean?

That I don't think anything bad happens to you when you die. Either you just go into the ground and then that's it.
And then that's it. You know, you got to be a person on this planet as opposed to like a fucking mosquito.
You got the best fucking experience. Hopefully you did.
And then that's it. It's fucking over or you become something else.
And I just don't think that is bad. You know, I just don't think, it doesn't make any sense that it would then just be bad.
I don't know. I hope that helps you.
I got a little off the rails there. So what I would say is you just baby step your way.

You know?

And like for me, making it as a comedian was like a 20 year fucking 15, 20 year process.

I was obviously, I was not the overnight. I didn't have the hook.

I didn't have any of that fucking shit.

And I just basically every day, you know, was fucking hacking at the tree until it came down and um you know you just don't quit you just that's it you just don't quit you don't give it a negative thought and every day you just fucking take a few steps towards it and then one day you just wake up and you're where you wanted to be and you're like how the fuck did that happen you know it's funny you don't feel any different you know so um but you'll be all right i think you're gonna be all right you know you speak three different fucking languages you can break balls in english i mean you sound you sound like you got a great sense of humor and you're trying to get you're gonna be fine Just say that to yourself. I'm going to be fine.
This is going to work out. And then that's it.
Then you can try to fucking help somebody else out along the way. All right, last one here.
Documentary recommendations. Hey, old Billy Beatdown.
I was wondering if you had heard of this new documentary that just came out called Ice Guardians. It's about the history of enforcers in hockey, and I would love to hear your take on it if you haven't seen it.
I watch all of these fucking things. I haven't seen it, but I watched the trailer, and it looked great.
I don't know about the name, Ice ice guardians that sounds somewhere between a superhero movie and um a musical a musical on ice coming to madison square garden it's ice guardians fossey hands skating around the ice um he said thanks for all the laughs and for always making me feel better about the way i read things out loud thanks and go fuck yourself here's a link to the trailer okay i'll send out this link here to the trailer by the way um i'm gonna be at the south by southwest on tuesday i'm flying in t. I'm doing a podcast with Al Madrigal

for All Things Comedy Network.

And then I'm flying right back out that night.

That's it.

Boom.

Doing a landing, doing a podcast,

jumping back on the plane and flying back.

That's my dedication to the goddamn network.

And also my dedication to fucking

coming back to see my daughter. That's it.
And after that three days a monday a tuesday a wednesday at the improv in san jose cruise um and i think that that's my um that'll be my fucking uh that'll be my month that's it all right All right. Thanks for listening to the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.

And I think that's it.

That is it.

All right.