Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago. Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.
30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd.

Speaker 1 Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 1 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Bird. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in all you woo.

Speaker 1 I'm in New York City. It is raining cats and dogs,

Speaker 1 which is something I'm not used to. I haven't been in a long time just to have a nice rain like this for the hell of it.

Speaker 1 You know, you forget after a while. You live out in Los Hangules.
You live in a desert. You know, it like rains.

Speaker 1 Hopefully, it rains when you're out there, and it rains for like a month, rains like crazy, and then it

Speaker 1 does. It never rains in California.
Remember that song? But boy, don't they warn you? It pours, man, it pours. I never understood like what it meant.

Speaker 1 I didn't understand any of that. I remember asking my mother going, it never rains in California?

Speaker 1 What it really is, is it's the desert, it doesn't rain. It rains like once a month.
So if you were confused about that song for the last 50 fucking years,

Speaker 1 I hope I undid it for you. Anyway, so

Speaker 1 I'm a raincoat guy. I'm not an umbrella guy.
You know, you walk down the street and then you got to lift it up, you know, because you don't want to hit somebody in the fucking eye with it.

Speaker 1 And then you just becomes this thing, you know, unless you get one of the smaller ones.

Speaker 1 And then the smaller one, all it does is keep from your eyebrows up dry and the rest of you gets fucking drenched. So I just go raincoat.

Speaker 1 And I'm an older man at this point. So, you know, if they had raincoat pants like readily available, I would buy those too.

Speaker 1 But only if they were like NBA tearaway style,

Speaker 1 which is what you want. So when you show up to work, people go, you got on fucking

Speaker 1 rain jacket pants, man. That's when you fucking rip them off right in front of them.
Like you're going in to drop 40 on the fucking Knicks. You fucking rip them off.

Speaker 1 And then all that fucking rainwater goes all over them.

Speaker 1 Huh, you want to talk about my pants? What do you think about my pants now? Look at you, you need a face towel.

Speaker 1 But then what you have to have on underneath it, you got to have some fucking sick-ass, like,

Speaker 1 you know, badass clothes, and everybody else has on their rain fucking outfit. Because they bought a fucking umbrella, and they were all making fun of you, you know?

Speaker 1 Because you fucking showed up like you had upper deck tickets for the Cleveland Browns or some shit.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 the hell did I want to talk about? I saw some fucking good movies this week. I watched that Robert Duvall movie with Karen Black.

Speaker 1 Amazing, amazing actor.

Speaker 1 One of my favorites. And it's called The Outfit.

Speaker 1 And dude,

Speaker 1 it's one of the greatest 70s car movies ever. As far as like, you're just watching it, like, what the fuck kind of car is that? There was a car in there.
I'm not good with

Speaker 1 Chrysler Dodge Plymouth shit, but it was called a Monaco, a 1973, and it was like this

Speaker 1 beige, but more on the white side beige. And it looked like they were combining an LTD

Speaker 1 with an Eldorado

Speaker 1 and I don't know, some sort of Chrysler shit, you know? Chryslers were always fucking weird to me. I like their muscle cars, but like their luxury cars had,

Speaker 1 they weren't cool, they were like old man looking. I always felt the Chrysler shit.
And the Chevys were the best, the best looking.

Speaker 1 The Cadillac, you can't beat the fucking Cadillac, and Buicks were a close second.

Speaker 1 And then the Lincolns,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 obviously the Lincoln continental, the Suicide Door one, that one is iconic.

Speaker 1 But I don't like that one from the 50s where they got the, you know, the lights on top of the lights, and it's at like a 45-degree angle. It was the longest production car ever.

Speaker 1 Like, the back end on that car is just, I don't know, I don't like it at all. But,

Speaker 1 Chevy, man, I hate to say it, being a Ford guy, in the fucking 60s, the Impala, the Malibu.

Speaker 1 What else? What was their fucking top of the, I guess it was a Cadillac.

Speaker 1 But that's back when they used to have, like,

Speaker 1 you know, I've talked about this a million times, but I really wish they would get back to this shit because,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 luxury cars, they didn't make an entry model or an affordable fucking model.

Speaker 1 You had to be successful.

Speaker 1 You had to be crushing it to drive a Cadillac.

Speaker 1 If you were just crushing it, but not crushing it, crushing it, you got the Buick.

Speaker 1 If you weren't quite crushing it, you got an Oldsmobile.

Speaker 1 And if you were moving up, you got a Pontiac. And if you just fucking got there, you drove a Chevy.

Speaker 1 That's how it worked.

Speaker 1 And it was like, I'll just throw numbers out. So you could get a Chevy for five to six grand.
Then Pontiacs was seven to nine grand. It was just like that.

Speaker 1 It moved up in like two, three thousand dollar increments.

Speaker 1 But there was no like five thousand dollar Cadillac just so you could say you're driving a Cadillac. They they

Speaker 1 you know, you had to have your big boy pants on back then. And you also had to be a man.

Speaker 1 All right. If you had a if you were a woman, you had to fucking stay home.

Speaker 1 I told you a long time ago, I was on the road and I saw this sign in this diner.

Speaker 1 It said, get her a Ford.

Speaker 1 It was like the 1940s, and I was thinking, like, wow, man, that's

Speaker 1 pretty luxurious that you would buy your wife a car. I thought people were sort of one-car families back in the day who had the money to go buy their wife a new car.

Speaker 1 And then I realized what they were saying.

Speaker 1 It's like, you know, get her a Ford. You drive the Lincoln.
You drive the Mercury. okay you just get her an entry you know she you know she doesn't need to worry her little head

Speaker 1 with all these buttons and electric windows and all of this shit you know a v8 engine she can't handle that just get her a ford let her putz around town she'll feel fucking special

Speaker 1 i wish i could talk to a woman from back then like what the fuck was that they don't seem like they were upset though but it was just like

Speaker 1 it's kind of funny now to listen to women how openly they discuss how dumb they find men. And I just can't imagine during that fucking time the confusion of that.

Speaker 1 That you would be sitting there listening to these fucking morons

Speaker 1 talking about all this shit. I can't imagine what they used to talk about when the guys went to work.

Speaker 1 They must have been laughing their asses off. But just be like, you know.

Speaker 1 Be like smarter in a lot of ways. And this guy, this meathead guy's coming home talking to you like you don't know your fucking ass from a hole in the ground.

Speaker 1 I always feel like that's got to be like what it's like for people that

Speaker 1 come to this country and they're like bilingual, and they got to listen to Americans who only speak one language, give them shit because they speak English with like an accent.

Speaker 1 It's like,

Speaker 1 yeah, it's a second language, and I can actually communicate with you. I know I have an accent, but I can speak more than one language.
Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 It is kind of funny how, like, English is like

Speaker 1 the language of the world, and everybody thinks, like, oh, the reason why that is, is because it's the best language of the fucking white people, best fucking that dumb shit.

Speaker 1 It's like, no, it's because the English went around the world and fucking

Speaker 1 had an empire. That's what happened.
And they made people speak it. Speak the king's English.
I don't want to listen to you speaking your fucking mumbo.

Speaker 1 Hey, I don't got time for your culture in your own country.

Speaker 1 But thanks to the tyranny and the impression, the oppression of the English Empire, Americans, we can travel around a lot of places

Speaker 1 and we don't have to learn to speak a fucking language. It's kind of amazing.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's good for us. I wonder if we have more dementia in this country because we only speak one language, because they say that, you know,

Speaker 1 I get afraid of that. I get scared of that shit.
So like,

Speaker 1 they say like, you know, taking naps is good for your brain, playing an instrument learning another language or whatever um

Speaker 1 which i've been getting my ass kicked on on fucking duolingo because you know they got that stupid shit where they get you to compete with other people and uh it's been very liberating because i only have time to do one lesson a day so i'm keeping my streak going I've done French almost 160 days in a row, but like since I've been rehearsing in the play, I've only done like one or two lessons a day.

Speaker 1 And then the app goes like,

Speaker 1 you're going to get demoted unless you you're above the line and it's just like you know

Speaker 1 just go fuck yourself with that okay

Speaker 1 it's

Speaker 1 so sick of how everything turns into you know get them to run get them to chase the fucking carrot so they interact with it um

Speaker 1 anyway

Speaker 1 so um

Speaker 1 oh christ what the fuck did i just do to my opt did i just hit stop i did right is it still going it's still going it's still going all right let me let me do something right here

Speaker 1 Very important announcement.

Speaker 1 Here we go. The 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit is going to be Sunday, May 18th at the New York City Center, 131 West 55th Street, between 6th and 7th Avenue, New York City.

Speaker 1 Doors open at 7 p.m., show starts at 7:30 p.m. The lineup is as follows:

Speaker 1 Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, DC Benny, Tim Dylan.

Speaker 1 I'm going to mess this name up. Nimesh Patel, Sean Patton, and me, Bill Burr, and as always, the great Rich Voss

Speaker 1 who's done it 11 times, who will be coming back to MC.

Speaker 1 And we might have a special guest drop in. I'm working on that right now.
You never know who's going to show up.

Speaker 1 Tickets are on sale now.

Speaker 1 They are $75,

Speaker 1 and tickets can be purchased online at www.newyorkity center, ny, sorry, nycitycenter.org/slash Patrice 2025. Patrice is P-A-T-R-I-C-E,

Speaker 1 Pat Rice.

Speaker 1 Or by calling the box office at 212-581-1212. All of this info will be posted on my socials, handles, and on my website.
And as always, shout out and thank you to our amazing producer, Maureen Tarin.

Speaker 1 She is the captain of the ship, and she's the reason why it,

Speaker 1 you know, it goes every year. So, anyway, look at that.
I think the range stopped.

Speaker 1 Would you look at that?

Speaker 1 I also have

Speaker 1 you know, I might be adding another. I know I am, I just can't announce it yet for whatever fucking dumb reason.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 I have a

Speaker 1 benefit that I'm doing overseas

Speaker 1 that I'll be talking about

Speaker 1 more whenever I'm allowed to. I don't know how the fuck that works.

Speaker 1 Anyway, we're getting close. We're getting close to doing

Speaker 1 starting on Monday. Monday night, we go on in front of our first packed house previews.
This is like previews. It's the preseason.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 the season starts March 31st. So

Speaker 1 I can't fucking wait. I can't wait.
I can't wait to see how this plays. I can't wait to see where the laughs are, where the moments are, and all that shit.
I've been having so much goddamn fun. And

Speaker 1 we rehearsed this morning, and then I had a little break, and I actually ran off and went to the fucking gym. I've been killing it.

Speaker 1 Oh, Billy, no tits.

Speaker 1 Look at that, man. It's fucking coming down.
But I will tell you what. Oh, my I did some fucking damage.
Jesus Christ. If you put my torso on the Meekum auction,

Speaker 1 it wouldn't have met the reserve. I'd have to take the reserve off.
And

Speaker 1 I would be like, ah, yeah, I'm not selling it. Forget it.
I got a... It's too much Bondo.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 You have no idea how fat you are until you do yoga without a shirt on and there's like a fucking mirror to the side and you're doing a forward bend. You're like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 What do I sell shoes for a living? Who the fuck is that? Is that me?

Speaker 1 Jesus

Speaker 1 Christ.

Speaker 1 Just no excuse for it.

Speaker 1 There's really no excuse for how out of shape I got, you know. If you, you guys work for a fucking living, you have to be somewhere.
You know what I mean? I, you know,

Speaker 1 I got all goddamn day to not be a fat fuck, you know?

Speaker 1 And I still failed at it

Speaker 1 fucking ridiculous

Speaker 1 yeah so I went over to my big gay gym that I that I joined gay as it wants to be and

Speaker 1 you know I got in there I got on the treadmill I put it at the fucking angle I needed to I worked it I was walking briskly so I would burn fat because that's the new way they say that you're burning fat you know what I mean and uh

Speaker 1 I do like these guys on like the fucking social medias when the medias this the medias of social, when I love people that give advice and they're like yelling at you. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You can just see like the awful parent that the person had.

Speaker 1 You're sitting there like,

Speaker 1 why are you yelling at me, dude? You know, teach me about, you know,

Speaker 1 stop doing cardio before you lift way. All right, man.

Speaker 1 I didn't know it was bad. You know,

Speaker 1 as far as I know, this is the first time you're telling me. I believe it's the first time I met you.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 what are we doing here?

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 so anyway, uh,

Speaker 1 I figure once I get to the uh, once we, we, we have, we stop like doing all the rehearsals, um, or tech run-throughs and we're just doing the show,

Speaker 1 even on the days when I have a matinee, I don't have to go to work.

Speaker 1 You know, I got all my whole morning free so I can uh

Speaker 1 I can finally fucking

Speaker 1 get my goddamn ass back in shape. Holy shit.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. I'll tell you one thing.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 Everybody fucking talking about snowflakes this and snowflakes that. I'll tell you, you know what? The biggest example of fucking being a snowflake and soft is American jeans.

Speaker 1 You know, with these elastic waistbands.

Speaker 1 So the number on your jean, you know, whatever, 34, 32, you could actually be a 38

Speaker 1 waist and you could still get into 34. They're not fucking helping me.
They're all, I'm telling you, they're all in fucking cahoots with each other.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. I actually went out and I got like one of those

Speaker 1 tape measure things that people get when they're measuring you for a suit.

Speaker 1 And I put that fucking thing around my waist. It went up to 39 inches and I ran out of tape.

Speaker 1 I was like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 I have eight inches I gotta lose. I gotta get back down to a fucking 32, which I'm gonna do, but I've been eating fucking protein and that shit, so

Speaker 1 I'm not gonna go Dallas Buyers Club on you here. I'm gonna fucking

Speaker 1 oh, Billy Peck's here. I'm trying, whatever.

Speaker 1 What the fuck ever, you know? Anyway, who gives a shit? It's Moto GP season. It's fucking March Madness season.
F1 is going.

Speaker 1 Fucking Mark Marquez is riding with

Speaker 1 the factory Ducati team. Lewis Hamilton is with Ferrari.

Speaker 1 You know, he's going to try to fucking

Speaker 1 dethrone that other kid who keeps winning, who I always call Sebastian Vettel. I always fuck up the names.
I'm not a big F1 guy.

Speaker 1 Although, you know what's funny is I keep getting shit on my Instagram of Jackie Stewart telling stories.

Speaker 1 That guy is such amazing goddamn stories. That guy drove when people fucking died.
People fucking died in that goddamn sport back when that guy drove. Jesus Christ.
They used to drive these race cars.

Speaker 1 They look like that shit the kids would make in.

Speaker 1 Remember Cub Scouts? Is that still legal?

Speaker 1 Was there enough kids that got molested? Well, I guess the Catholic Church is still legal. If that's still legal, you're still going to have to have scouting, right?

Speaker 1 Jesus fucking Christ. I'll tell you, it was a wild time when I was growing up man it was there there was just creepers every

Speaker 1 the church scouting paper root

Speaker 1 martial arts

Speaker 1 little league baseball pop one or football I mean they were just they were behind the tree in the park

Speaker 1 you know it's funny because sometimes I think like

Speaker 1 because of social media and all of this shit out there that like

Speaker 1 it's so like it's almost like the kind of like the amount of people that are now like

Speaker 1 smoking weed or eating gummies or anything like that it's it's off the fucking chain now because it's legal before it was legal i mean you had to have a guy you had to know somebody

Speaker 1 sometimes it was it wasn't consistent or whatever so it was it was a fucking pain in the ass

Speaker 1 and now it's legal everybody fucking does it

Speaker 1 so i kind of thought like you know pedophiles and all that i felt like there was it feels like there's more today because of like social media and all of that type of shit.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I just think it's easier to be, maybe it's easier to be a creep now. I don't know.
I have no idea. But I still think there was a

Speaker 1 maybe there was the same amount.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like how people feel like, you know, we're getting dumber.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 we're not.

Speaker 1 We're not getting dumber.

Speaker 1 If you go back, just watch vintage newsreels where they go out and and they talk to people in the street and they get their ideas on shit. And you'd be surprised.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's some people that are more eloquent than people today, but people at least have more of a worldview,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 or at least a national view with the fucking internet. Because back in the day, you lived in your hometown.
That's what the fuck you knew. You knew that, the local news and the local sports team.

Speaker 1 That was it.

Speaker 1 Like when I moved to New York City, I remember in

Speaker 1 the mid-90s, mid-90s, one of my buddies from back home was he goes, you know, where do you live? And I, you know, I told him I was living on, you know, what the fuck was I? 97th and Lex, Lexington.

Speaker 1 And he was like, dude, what's with all the fucking numbers down there?

Speaker 1 What's with the like?

Speaker 1 Clueless. Like, I had no idea.
Like, when I thought of New York City, it was Empire State Building,

Speaker 1 taxi cabs,

Speaker 1 Frank Sinatra.

Speaker 1 And there was a couple of big concerts in

Speaker 1 Central Park.

Speaker 1 That's all I knew. And obviously, the sports teams, but I didn't know what I couldn't name the boroughs.

Speaker 1 I had heard of them, but if you asked me to name all of them, I couldn't have done that. I would have missed Manhattan and I would have missed Staten Island because they just called it New York City.

Speaker 1 But you heard enough about Brooklyn and the Bronx

Speaker 1 because a welcome back Carter was in the was in Brooklyn and then fucking

Speaker 1 Robert Redford did that movie, Fort Apache, the Bronx.

Speaker 1 So I knew of those, and that was it. Because I saw a news clip recently, and it was about the busing

Speaker 1 riots and all that in Boston.

Speaker 1 And they were talking to people in the street, Jesus Christ,

Speaker 1 you want to talk fucking meatheads. Fucking

Speaker 1 meatheads. That was one of the dumbest ideas in the history of Massachusetts.
That they took a place that racist and they were like, you know what? You know what I think would be a good idea?

Speaker 1 You know, all these people that fucking hate each other up there and they don't get along. Well, what if we just mixed them all up? What if we force them to interact with each other without,

Speaker 1 you know, any sort of

Speaker 1 social lubricant beforehand? Let's just fucking throw them all together and see what the fuck happens.

Speaker 1 For you younger people, uh spoiler alert it didn't work out then it didn't go so well it was fucking insane um

Speaker 1 yeah that was uh

Speaker 1 that's one of those stupid liberal ideas like well what if we just put them all together and then they just fucking interact and then it was fucking all we

Speaker 1 said you're just gonna do that you're not gonna uh there's gonna be no education no sort of ease in the things you're just gonna

Speaker 1 just gonna put them together huh that's that's that's what you're gonna do

Speaker 1 all right

Speaker 1 would you just watch trading places um anyway let me uh let me let me do some of these reads here for the week uh squarespace

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Speaker 1 All they're saying with that paragraph is they listen to the podcast. All right, guilty as charged.

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Speaker 1 You fucking weirdo.

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Speaker 1 production, shipping, and all of that. I'm trying to think what you could do with that.
You could put faces on a mug.

Speaker 1 You'd be funny if you put a face of your wife on it and you draw a line through it, and underneath it, you just say, not today.

Speaker 1 You have a facey of your wife, and there's like that police tape over her mouth, and then just underneath... It's like, you know, not until after my coffee.
I don't know why I say that.

Speaker 1 I get along great with my wife, wife, but it's just funny. It's just fun to annoy people.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, you know what would be fucking wild?

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Speaker 1 You know where I got that idea from? That was Dave Navarro. That's what his pic looked like when

Speaker 1 he played with the red-hot chili peppers.

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Speaker 1 Ah, it didn't work out. Slash Burr.

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All right. Well, I think that is the podcast, everybody.
I'm going to see if I can watch this Moto JP race from last.

Speaker 1 I saw some of the highlights. What happened? Mark Marquez was cruising, and then they slowed down because he was trying to save his tires and let somebody pass him so he could try to pass them back.

Speaker 1 I was confused.

Speaker 1 I didn't understand what was happening.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you right now, I don't know why. This is the first time in a long time.
I have the urge to go to a dive bar by myself,

Speaker 1 sit down,

Speaker 1 all right,

Speaker 1 and just start fucking boozing.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 One ice cube,

Speaker 1 four fingers,

Speaker 1 all right?

Speaker 1 Up and over the ice cube. Don't give me this eyedropper shit, all right?

Speaker 1 You know, and have like three of them

Speaker 1 come home

Speaker 1 face down on the mattress, pointed in the wrong direction.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 wake up the next morning in sweatpants with one sock on.

Speaker 1 Going, oh god, what the fuck did I do? You know, I'm not gonna do it.

Speaker 1 But I was leaving the theater tonight and I was thinking, like, man,

Speaker 1 I was thinking, man,

Speaker 1 if I was still drinking, I would go out tonight. And you know what? I don't want to go out with anybody else.
I want to go out by myself.

Speaker 1 Okay? And fuck all these people that talk about drinking by yourself. That's a red flag.
It is a red flag, but I'll tell you right now,

Speaker 1 I don't want to encourage this behavior.

Speaker 1 I loved drinking alone. I'm not trying to go George Thorgood on you, but I fucking enjoyed it on a fucking weekday night,

Speaker 1 enjoying the privilege of being in this fucking business that I could go out on a Wednesday night and get fucking shit-faced because I didn't have anywhere to be

Speaker 1 until 8 o'clock the next night at a a goddamn funny bone. Those, my friend, were the fucking days.
I had no kids, I had no wife, and I could just go out and I could get fucking

Speaker 1 hammered.

Speaker 1 Fucking hammered.

Speaker 1 That's how I dealt with my demons back in the day.

Speaker 1 Now what I do is I sit here alone and I watch old movies from the 70s.

Speaker 1 Once again, I recommend highly recommend the outfit with Robert Duvall and Karen Black and a whole bunch of other great actors in it and the fucking cars are amazing and I really feel like that

Speaker 1 those four-door sleds because they're they're rare I think that they're gonna be worth something at some point

Speaker 1 maybe not I don't know

Speaker 1 All I know is I was, you know, I'm thinking about getting another, you know, I need a daily driver. I'm just looking at everything.
I looked at the Burt Reynolds fucking Trans Am.

Speaker 1 You get get one of those in mint condition, these fucking assholes want 200 grand for it. For a fucking Pontiac, go fuck yourself.

Speaker 1 Fucking Transam. That car was a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Everybody knew that. You had that car three years.
You did like 20 burnouts on it. The fucking transmission fell out.
They didn't make that car right. That was actually after the catalytic converter.

Speaker 1 200 grand for an underpowered fucking car you can't even keep on the goddamn road

Speaker 1 it's the Smoky and the Bandit one. If you get the red one,

Speaker 1 you know, it's like 40 grand.

Speaker 1 That's how fucking good-looking Burt Reynolds was. He was so good-looking and charismatic that he made that piece of shit worth 200 grand all these fucking years later.
Rest his soul.

Speaker 1 You don't see movie stars like that coming around. Maybe you do.
I'm just fucking old. I don't want to be that cunt.

Speaker 1 Anyway, plowing ahead here.

Speaker 1 That's the podcast.

Speaker 1 Have a great weekend, you cunts. And yeah, remember, all right? It's the United States of America.
United States. Don't hate other states.
All right? People allowed to think different things.

Speaker 1 Let's stay together. Don't let a handful of fucking billionaires

Speaker 1 that own 24-hour news network fucking divide you.

Speaker 1 Go to that mom-and-pop place, god damn it.

Speaker 1 Fuck these box stores. Fuck these billionaires.
All right, that's it.

Speaker 1 Um, listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themlis, and then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, take it.

Speaker 1 Today gets bliss in my fights. I swing swords and cut clowns.
Since it's too swift to bite, you'll be caught and write it down. I flow like the blood on a murder scene, like a syringe.

Speaker 1 Once in a while, I to insert a vein. But it was your watch to shop, stolen heart.
Catch a stolen heart from not going smart. I put that pressure before.

Speaker 2 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

Speaker 2 March 6th,

Speaker 2 2017. What's going on, everybody? I am in Phoenix, Arizona.

Speaker 2 Isn't that exciting? Phoenix,

Speaker 2 Arizona.

Speaker 2 It actually is, man. I'm psyched.
I'm working at Stand Up Live, doing two shows tonight. Two shows Tuesday, two shows Wednesday.
I'm,

Speaker 2 you know, putting together my new hour and everything, and I got a bunch of shit. I've actually been listening to my act.
I always, you know, when I'm putting together a new hour, oh, I always record.

Speaker 2 I just never fucking listen. Well, now I'm finally listening to my act.
I figured it out when I can do it because who the fuck wants to sit there and listen to yourself?

Speaker 2 What I'm doing is I'm

Speaker 2 I listen to it on the car ride home.

Speaker 2 You know, if I had a decent set, if I had a shitty set, what's the fucking point? You know what I mean? It's kind of like if you're always taping your

Speaker 2 team, right? But you only watch if they win. You know, I know people who do that shit.
They like know what the fuck happens before they watch it, and if they lose, they just don't even fucking watch.

Speaker 2 So I've actually been watching and that type of shit. And speaking of which, your team winning and losing,

Speaker 2 Ola Freckles came in last night, and I went to the Phoenix Suns were playing my Boston Celtics.

Speaker 2 So I decide, you know what, I'm going to go to that game, right?

Speaker 2 My 117th fucking franchise, professional home

Speaker 2 team I've whatever, professional sports team that I've seen a home game of. 117 of these motherfuckers.
I got 10 more to go.

Speaker 2 I can't get out of any 10. Every time I get to 10, and I'm like, oh, one more team, I'll fucking, then I'll have nine left, then somebody moves.

Speaker 2 You know, I got down to 10, I'm like, all right, the next one's gonna get me down to nine.

Speaker 2 And then the fucking Ram, the Rams move back up to 11.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 So then I go see the thunder and I'm thinking, all right, look, man, I'm down, I'm down to fucking

Speaker 2 I'm down to nine. And I'm like, wait a minute.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 I saw the New Jersey Nets. I never saw the Brooklyn Nets.
So it's still 10.

Speaker 2 So I'm like, all right, next week. Next week when I go see the Suns, I'll be down to nine teams left, right?

Speaker 2 So I'm sitting there watching the Suns, and I'm like, Bernsey, I'm down to single digits. The fan slam is going down.

Speaker 2 One of the loneliest accomplishments ever.

Speaker 2 I guess if you went with a bunch of other people, I got to find the old pictures of me at these stadiums. I swear swear to God, they're all like disposable camera pictures held by a stranger.

Speaker 2 You know, when I was doing all these fucking gigs in the middle of nowhere and shit, and I passed through the major cities and I would just go to a goddamn game.

Speaker 2 Anyways, so last night I'm thinking, all right, I'm going to the Sun Celtics game.

Speaker 2 I'll have nine teams left. And I'm like, wait a minute, the fucking Chargers just moved to Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 in a month, I'm working in San Antonio and I'm going to a Spurs game. Going to the fucking Spurs.
And then I think I'll finally be down to nine.

Speaker 2 You know, God forbid if the fucking Raiders don't move to Vegas after that.

Speaker 2 But, anyways,

Speaker 2 I went to the Suns game, right?

Speaker 2 So I show up immediately.

Speaker 2 The club hooked us up with tickets, gave us great tickets. We sit in two rows behind the fucking

Speaker 2 one of the, what do you call it in basketball? One of the nets, one of the goals,

Speaker 2 one of the backboards, right?

Speaker 2 Two rows back.

Speaker 2 So it's really three rows back because they got all the fucking cameramen, you know?

Speaker 2 But still, it's like great seats. And I look down on the right, and there's this guy just riding the refs

Speaker 2 in the first quarter, and he really gives a shit. So I'm looking at Verse, and I'm just looking over, going, look at this fucking guy.
This guy's out of his mind. There's a guy who gives a shit.

Speaker 2 This is a hardcore season ticket holder, man. Look how much, and I'm laughing.
Like, he's just like, he knows the refs' names. He's calling him out and all that shit.

Speaker 2 And Vergi starts going, he goes, I bet that's the owner.

Speaker 2 I'm like, nah, the owner wouldn't be sitting down. He wouldn't be yelling like that if he was the owner.
And he's like, well, Mark Cuban rides the refs like that. I go, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 So finally, you know, I go, all right, man, I'm going to look this guy up, right? So we look him up, and it's the owner.

Speaker 2 I got to tell you, Phoenix Sons, dude, you guys got a great fucking owner.

Speaker 2 Robert Sarver is his name, man.

Speaker 2 We ended up talking to him at the end of the game because I tweeted.

Speaker 2 I was making fun of,

Speaker 2 what's his face? His shoes, his sneakers. The fucking worst sneakers I've ever fucking seen.

Speaker 2 Kelly Olinik,

Speaker 2 the big white goof, the seven-foot fucking pylon out there, right?

Speaker 2 I don't, I don't, you know, Celtics love that guy. He got so many goddamn minutes.
Maybe it's a road trip or whatever, but dude, he had these fucking sneakers on.

Speaker 2 I think Garrow Yapremium wore them in that fucking Super Bowl against the Redskins when he fucked up the field goal. Dude, they looked like black football cleats from the early 70s.

Speaker 2 The ugliest fucking things I've ever seen. So, of course,

Speaker 2 I tweet about. That's what I did.
So I tweeted about the thing, and I guess the owner's son was watching. He goes, oh, he's probably sitting right next to you, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 That's how I didn't meet the guy. But, anyways, long story short, so I tweet about this fucking thing,

Speaker 2 making fun of the guy's sneakers, thinking obviously these have to be the worst fucking sneakers. Without a doubt,

Speaker 2 even with the internet, even with Twitter, even with all of these fucking cunts that are on social media,

Speaker 2 nobody can argue that these are the ugliest fucking sneakers ever, right? They were low-top fucking field-go-kicker cleats from the fucking early 70s, right?

Speaker 2 And all these sneakerheads are like,

Speaker 2 you mean the Kobe 11s?

Speaker 2 I guess it's a Kobe Bryant sneaker.

Speaker 2 And what? Because it says Kobe on it, all of a sudden it's the Kobe's?

Speaker 2 Dude, do you mean the Shaq 14s?

Speaker 2 I fucking hate sneakerheads. I fucking can't stand them with their 5,000 fucking pairs of sneakers, taking them out of the box, showing them off on MTV cribs, and licking the soul.
So it's like, see,

Speaker 2 I never even wore these joints joints before.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I can tell from your fucking man tits, you never wore them before. There's sneakers, why don't you go take a fucking walk in them?

Speaker 2 Versey's a big sneakerhead. I'll tell you, you know what is fucking overrated?

Speaker 2 It's so fucking overrated. Jordans.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I'm not saying they're not good looking, some of them. Most of them are fucking ugly as shit.
And dude, the fucking mouth-breathing dopes.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's what it is. The amount of fuck.
Oh, geez, I'm walking around now. I'm walking through the amount of fucking dopes that wear Jordans.
You know what it is about Jordans?

Speaker 2 It's you don't even have to fucking think.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? All you got to do is get a pair of Jordans. You know, everybody's going to like them.
Oh, yo, are those the Sixes? Are those the Jordan Sixes? Dude, look at these Sixes.

Speaker 2 I got him with the black, with the gold outline. Yo,

Speaker 2 these snickers are crazy, right? These stickers are crazy.

Speaker 2 I don't know. These fucking mouth-breathing morons with their goddamn sweatpants and their Jordans.
You know, Ferzy's a big Jordan guy. He loves Jordans.
He's wearing a pair this week.

Speaker 2 They're fucking ugly as shit.

Speaker 2 They're all black, and then they got like this white wall tire thing down. And just because it says Jordans on, I'm going, Paul goes, dude, check out these new Jordans.
You like them?

Speaker 2 I go, no, actually, I don't.

Speaker 2 And he can't understand. He goes,

Speaker 2 they're Jordans.

Speaker 2 Dude, these are Jordan 1s. It's like, dude, I don't give a fuck if they're Jordan 9.
I'm so sick of the numbers.

Speaker 2 Dude, what's your favorite Jordans?

Speaker 2 You like the Sevens, really? You like the Sevens? Now, you got to make sure that it just says Nike on the back. If it has him on the back, then those aren't the real ones.

Speaker 2 The Kobe 11s?

Speaker 2 Like, what do you guys think? That if you fucking put them on, on, you're somehow going to be able to dunk?

Speaker 2 You're going to score close to 80 points in a fucking NBA game because you're wearing Kobe's?

Speaker 2 The Sedale 3-7s?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't understand.
And if a fucking sneaker is ugly, it's ugly. I don't give a shit.

Speaker 2 I cannot fucking believe. If you guys have to go on and you have to look at a picture of those fucking sneakers, they're like referee sneakers from the fucking early 80s.

Speaker 2 It's just a black, low-top fucking slipper with the Nike swoosh on it.

Speaker 2 Dude, you mean the Kobe 11s?

Speaker 2 Dude, the Kobe 11s are fucking crazy. They're crazy.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, you get yourself,

Speaker 2 you get yourself a fucking track suit and you put on a pair of those, dude, over.

Speaker 2 Over. You go out to the club.
People, people are, uh,

Speaker 2 are those the sixes?

Speaker 2 I just don't understand fucking basketball sneakers, okay? Some of them are good looking, some of them aren't.

Speaker 2 They drive me up the fucking wall. Paul Verzee is the funniest fucking human being I've ever met in my life.

Speaker 2 Like, he's one of these guys, like, I love him to death, but the shit that he likes, it's so, he likes obvious shit.

Speaker 2 He'll be like, dude, you know what I like? You know what I like? I like amenities.

Speaker 2 It's like, really, dude, you like getting extra shit?

Speaker 2 Extra comforting shit? That's amazing. You know, I never really thought about that.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 I have to think about this. Do I like amenities?

Speaker 2 You know what I like, Paul? I like a lack thereof.

Speaker 2 I like less than. Like, who would ever say that? Dude, you know what? You know what? Dude, is there anything better than pizza? Is there anything better than a great slice of pizza?

Speaker 2 Dude, you know what I like? I like a bologna sandwich.

Speaker 2 Dude, a bologna sandwich with white American cheese and mustard, dude, dude, the mustard puts it over the top. It's crazy.
It's a joke. I mean,

Speaker 2 it's literally a joke.

Speaker 2 It just,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 And so it's like, does it even need to be said? Of course, it's a bologna sandwich. Yeah, it fucking hits the spot.

Speaker 2 Old mainstream poly. Dude, you know what I like? You know what I like? I like a golden retriever.

Speaker 2 Dude, you know what's crazy? A white picket fence.

Speaker 2 Sorry. I got to get him back on this podcast because

Speaker 2 Bartnick calls him Mr. Maxim.

Speaker 2 Because everything he likes, it's like it's, he likes what everybody likes. But then he's got this simplistic, fucking great philosophy where he'll be like, Bill, but Bill, what's wrong?

Speaker 2 What's wrong with sweatpants? You know, and you can't argue with them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it. It's just, you know, the conversation is just like,

Speaker 2 it just doesn't need to be, most of the conversation just doesn't even need to be had.

Speaker 2 Dude, is there anything better than just walking around in sweatpants?

Speaker 2 Dude, you put on a pair of sweatpants with some Jordan 3s?

Speaker 2 Over.

Speaker 2 Over.

Speaker 2 Dude, what is better than having on a hoodie and a pair of Kobe 11s?

Speaker 2 You go to a massage parlor and she's jerking your dick. I mean,

Speaker 2 am I crazy? It's over.

Speaker 2 It's a joke. It's a joke.
It's a literally, it's a joke.

Speaker 2 All right, I'm sorry. Fuck all you sneakerheads out there.

Speaker 2 God bless you with your little fucking hobby of keeping your sneakers clean and you know, fucking walking on your heels anytime there's any sort of rubbish on the ground.

Speaker 2 Grown fucking men just walking like a goddamn duck on on their heels.

Speaker 2 Hey, buddy, what the fuck are you doing? I got on the sevens.

Speaker 2 What is it, the first day of school?

Speaker 2 Dude, you know what I love? You know what I love? Is there anything better than when it snows on Christmas? That's the type of shit he says.

Speaker 2 It's like, no, yeah, that's great, Paul. I think everybody's pretty much in agreement.
I even even think Jewish people like if it snows on Christmas. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It probably adds to their Chinese food. I don't like, who the fuck doesn't like a fresh blanket of snow? As long as it isn't a goddamn storm.

Speaker 2 Dude, you know what?

Speaker 1 I like amenities.

Speaker 2 Is there anything better than taking a steam?

Speaker 2 No. I mean, you know, that's also, that is a great thing that everyone is in agreement with.

Speaker 2 You know what I like dude? I like fresh air

Speaker 2 Is there anything better than like non-polluted air when you breathe in?

Speaker 2 I mean, it's crazy. It's a joke.
It's literally

Speaker 2 It's a joke

Speaker 2 Jesus, I went on a fucking tangent there

Speaker 2 Oh my god, for half a second, I thought the recorder wasn't recording. I forgot my fucking microphone, so this might sound a little bad.
Dude, is there anything better

Speaker 2 than just laying in your bed and just waking up and doing your podcast.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's a joke. It's literally,

Speaker 2 it's a joke.

Speaker 2 You know, I have to look up these fucking sneakers.

Speaker 2 How the fuck Kobe Bryant, one of the greatest fucking top, what, two, three players of all time, individual players, teammate, he was a fucking nightmare.

Speaker 2 You wait till that fucking confessional comes up.

Speaker 2 Let me sit there. Put in my password here.

Speaker 2 Stupid Laker fans always chant MVP at the guy. I hate that Celtic fans are chanting MVP at Isaiah Thomas, by the way.

Speaker 2 It reminds me of Laker fans that were always every time fucking Kobe stepped on the court and did not pass the ball and scored 40 fucking points and they lose again.

Speaker 2 And they MVP.

Speaker 2 Did you see him dunk on that guy and then they lost? Oh my god, he's unbelievable. Maybe if we get 58 free agents in here and fucking Phil Jackson, they can win a title.
MVP.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 No, but he's, dude, he's wearing the Kobe's. He's wearing the Kobe 11.
I have to look these fucking sneakers up, how ugly these goddamn things are. And the fact that these fucking sneaker heads.

Speaker 2 You mean the Kobe's?

Speaker 2 I mean the rep sneakers. Those fucking cleats this guy's wearing.

Speaker 2 He looks like fucking Ken Stabler out there.

Speaker 2 Kobe 11. You cannot tell me that this fucking computer doesn't listen to you.
Oh my, those are fucking dancing slippers. Jesus, at least he got the best, he got the best color.

Speaker 2 They come in pink, they come in red and white, they got a Miami Dolphin color.

Speaker 2 Dude, those literally look like women's sneakers. Like

Speaker 2 you should have like the low-cut sock with the little ball on the back if you wear those fucking things. And

Speaker 2 look at the ones:

Speaker 2 $130.

Speaker 2 I bet this, I bet if I went on YouTube and I looked up Kobe 11s, I bet there's some fucking asshole sitting there licking the fuck. Who was the guy? Fat Joe did that in his MTV cribs.

Speaker 2 And he had like chick teas up. He's like the fucking Jordan Sixes.
And then he licked the bottom of them. It's like, dude, do you realize the sweatshop that those things were fucking made in?

Speaker 2 And you think those things didn't hit the ground in there? And God knows, they probably don't let they probably make those people go to the bathroom at their fucking station.

Speaker 2 And you're going to lick the bottom of those goddamn sneakers.

Speaker 2 They were in a hermetically sealed sneaker box. Dude, they were in a cardboard box and were shipped over here from the other side of the world.
I think I'll put my tongue on them.

Speaker 2 All right, I'm going to look this up. I'm going to see if I can find that.
I'm going to find a fucking video here. Kobe 11s.
All right.

Speaker 2 I don't know why, but the first video that came up said exploding poo and a guy had shit on his face. Now, I didn't think they did that type of stuff on fucking

Speaker 2 Kobe 11s

Speaker 2 shoes. All right, and some asshole's going to do a fucking review.
Nike Kobe 11 performance review. Dude, these are the ugliest fucking sneakers I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 2 These ones are actually worse.

Speaker 2 Kobe Bryant gives LeBron James his autograph shoes.

Speaker 2 God, what the fuck do they talk about other than winning championships?

Speaker 2 That'd be like listening to fucking Superman and like fucking Batman talking. Alright, Kobe gives away shoes to a fan.

Speaker 2 Here's I shit all over the guy. He's like the nicest guy ever.

Speaker 2 Kobe helps a busload of sick children get to the staples center by towing it with his own body in his Kobe 11s. All right, maybe I was wrong.

Speaker 2 Nike Kobe, I gotta get off this fucking subject. What am I gonna listen to? Suck do a fucking review of the sneakers.
Nike Kobe 11 performance overview. My initial thoughts.
I fucking love YouTube.

Speaker 2 Who gives a f? I guess you guys are listening to my thoughts, but I'm just being a fucking moron. Anyways, let's get back to the goddamn game.

Speaker 2 All right. So, Kelly O'Lennox out there and his Kobe 11s, dude, they were fucking crazy.
Dude, you get a seven-foot-white guy and Kobe 11s?

Speaker 2 It's over, it's over.

Speaker 2 I mean, the black guys are still going to go right around him and have their nuts in his face when they dunk on him, but I mean, his feet from the ankles down, it's over.

Speaker 2 It's going to be, it's a joke. It's literally a joke.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so we watch this game. The owner of the Suns is a fucking riot.

Speaker 2 Totally, just watching him riding the referees like old school guy.

Speaker 2 You know, right down there on the court watching the game. And, you know, he's not about some luxury box or anything like that, right? So anyway, so we're watching the game.

Speaker 2 And the Celtics come out flat, which you knew they were going to.

Speaker 2 You knew they were going to because they've just beat the Lakers. Anytime, I'm telling you this right now, gamblers.
Gamblers?

Speaker 2 Anytime

Speaker 2 any Boston team,

Speaker 2 I'd say the Bruins or the fucking

Speaker 2 Celtics go on that West Coast trip,

Speaker 2 okay?

Speaker 2 If you want to make some money, bet against them the day after they play either the Clippers, the Kings, or the Lakers.

Speaker 2 Because they fucking go to LA, and after the game, they all go out, they bang a bunch of fucking broads, a bunch of fucking actresses, or whatever the fuck it is they do.

Speaker 2 And then the next game, when they go to San Jose, down to Anaheim, out to Phoenix, up to Portland, whatever the fuck they go next, there's always a letdown. So the Celtics come out flat.

Speaker 2 The fucking Suns are all over them.

Speaker 2 Whoever the guard was on the Suns was just as fast, it seems, as Isaiah. So he was right up on them,

Speaker 2 frustrating the hell out of him. I mean, Isaiah had, I think, four fouls in the first half.
And.

Speaker 2 So we're watching the game, and I'm just going like, I fucking knew it. I'm so excited to finally see this team.
I've been watching, seen almost every game of this year, and they come out flat.

Speaker 2 I'm like, oh, man, am I really going to the fucking hangover game?

Speaker 2 What do I give a shit? I got three fucking tickets. But still, you know, there's a bunch of Celtics fans there.
They're all going fucking nuts and everything. We had like nothing to cheer about.

Speaker 2 I think we were down by like 10 after the first half.

Speaker 2 And we just start chipping away, chipping away, chipping away.

Speaker 2 First half was ugly. I mean,

Speaker 2 it was like a first quarter score with like four minutes to go. It was like 32, 32, 27,

Speaker 2 it seemed. Maybe it was like six minutes to go.
So at the half, I think they were both in like the 40s. I don't even remember.
And I said, Paul, jokingly, I go, you watch.

Speaker 2 They're both going to score over 100. They're going to heat up or whatever.
So of course they come out and everybody starts hitting their shots. It turns into this great game.

Speaker 2 And then the fourth quarter comes and we start chipping away, chipping away, chipping away. We're down by like 10 or 11.

Speaker 2 And then we're down by 8. Then we're down by 5.
And then we're down by 4. Next thing you know, we're up by like 2.

Speaker 2 So you guys all know how the fucking game is, right?

Speaker 2 We fucking missed.

Speaker 2 What's his face?

Speaker 2 Brown missed that foul shot, and Isaiah missed a foul shot. They would have fucking iced it.

Speaker 2 And we let him hang around, hang around, fucking hang around. In the end, I can't remember who was tied, we were up by one.

Speaker 2 It all happened. So, you know, it happens so fucking fast when you're at the game and you don't have an announcer holding your hand and you don't have something that you can actually look at.

Speaker 2 There's too much shit to look at. So we go to inbound the fucking ball,

Speaker 2 right? This guy goes around Jay Crowder. I think tied it up.
We're like, fuck, right? That's right. We were up by two.

Speaker 2 Instead of being up by three and forcing them to take a three, and they probably would have missed a fucking thing. That's right.
The guy goes right around Crowder, lays it in. Crowds going nuts.

Speaker 2 There's like four seconds left. I go, all right, they're going to try to get it to Isaiah Thomas.
Let's see what happens.

Speaker 2 We fucking inbound the ball. Isaiah, one of the only times I've seen him mess up this year, messed up the pass.

Speaker 2 He was kind of looking up court, you know, because there's only four seconds left before he caught the ball. They kick it out to this fucking dude.
What the hell was his name?

Speaker 2 I actually wrote it down so I would give him

Speaker 2 the respect he deserves. Tyler Ulis.

Speaker 2 They kick it out to him, and he hits a fucking three-pointer at the buzzer to beat the Celtics. Now, here's the thing: I had second-row fucking seats, and guess what? I didn't even see the play.

Speaker 2 It happened on my end. You know why?

Speaker 2 Because the fucking assholes who were in the, they're in the front fucking row.

Speaker 2 They inbound the ball and they could see that, you know,

Speaker 2 Thomas was fucking it up. They stand up.

Speaker 2 You're in the front fucking row. What are you standing up for? There's nothing in front of you.
You fucking cunts. And all of a sudden, I just saw the ball go through the net and everybody goes, and

Speaker 2 the horn goes off. Everybody goes nuts.
I go, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 Does that count? Did that just go in? What the fuck just happened? I had to go home

Speaker 2 to watch the replay to see what the fuck happened. I was sitting in the second row.
I couldn't see it because these fucking assholes stood up in front of me.

Speaker 2 I don't understand standing up when nothing's in your way. Haven't you ever heard that expression?

Speaker 2 Why stand when you can sit? Why sit when you can lay down? Why stand up when you're in the front fucking row? What is blocking your goddamn view?

Speaker 2 Anyways, all right, I'm done fucking bitching here.

Speaker 2 I had a great time, and evidently Kobe 11s are fucking crazy, man.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Dude, Chris Everett should wear that fucking sneaker.

Speaker 2 That's what it looks like. It looks like the one, the different colored ones are like, you know.

Speaker 2 Do you know something? That is a testament to how great Kobe Bryant was.

Speaker 2 You know, it's almost like he's so fucking good. Nike was at the factory going like,

Speaker 2 how fucking ugly do you think we could make a sneaker if we put your name on it? These people that lick the bottom of the fucking sneaker, will they still buy these goddamn things? You know what?

Speaker 2 Now that I'm looking at them, because I'm an old man, they don't look like you'd play basketball great. They look comfortable as hell as far as when they're in a different color, I guess.

Speaker 2 They look like slippers.

Speaker 2 Now, here's the thing,

Speaker 2 I want to fucking ask you. Kobe had that horrific Achilles

Speaker 2 injury, injury, I swear to God, which is like

Speaker 2 that, was the end of anybody's career. That is like the classic old man basketball injury: you go to take a step, and your fucking Achilles goes right up the back of your leg.

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't even,

Speaker 2 obviously, I don't fucking play hoop at all, but I still fucking

Speaker 2 I'm always stretching my fucking Achilles.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, before I get out of bed, that's I don't know what it is about that injury. I I just know like five or six people that have had it, and I want no part of it.

Speaker 2 I want no fucking, you never walk right again. I mean, if you got Kobe's money, you know,

Speaker 2 you can go to Germany and meet the grandsons of the Nazi fucking doctors, and they'll spin your fucking blood in a centrifuge, whatever the fuck they do, and then you come back and you can still dunk or whatever, you know.

Speaker 2 But most people don't have Kobe money, so what's going to happen is you're going to go down to the veterinarian down the street and he's going to sew that thing back, and you're never going to, you're never going to be, you know.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 God help you if you're ever in a situation where there's panic and the crowd starts running, and it's a stampede, and you've blown out your Achilles at some point in your life.

Speaker 2 You're going to get trampled.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 You're going to be that zebra and the Serengeti that gets eaten by the fucking alligator is basically what's going to happen.

Speaker 2 But, you know, he has the low-tops. I wonder.
That probably had nothing to do with it.

Speaker 2 I'm just surprised guys are wearing low-top fucking sneakers again. Like, it's uh

Speaker 2 because you know, I don't pay attention to this shit. I usually watch hockey, right? And Verzi's going, like, no, no, no, Kobe kind of brought the low tops back.
Everybody's wearing them.

Speaker 2 So I looked out on the court and I saw a number of people with low tops. So people still had like these high-top sneakers on.
But the amount of ones like that, they were like Velcro.

Speaker 2 You know, like a little kid, he can't tie his sneakers. They had like Velcro high tops with like a fucking belt around your ankle.
And I was,

Speaker 2 I don't know,

Speaker 2 I don't know about those either.

Speaker 2 You know what's hilarious how arrogant I am that I actually think that the world cares what a 48-year-old white guy thinks about fucking sneakers.

Speaker 2 Why don't you just get a pair of shell toes?

Speaker 2 So, anyways, we went to the goddamn game, and

Speaker 2 we had a great fucking time.

Speaker 2 Robert Savor and his family are great.

Speaker 2 We met him briefly, but just talked to him. Just great people.
Like that guy, dude, if I was a Phoenix fan, I would be very happy with that guy as an owner, even though I know you guys are rebuilding.

Speaker 2 That guy fucking loves his team.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of owners. They don't give a shit.
You know, they own a team so they can have hookers and blow up in a fucking suite.

Speaker 2 Dude, that guy, he was, it looked like he, I was going to say, it's like he had money on the game, and he does. He's paying the fucking players.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 all right, so let's plow ahead here.

Speaker 2 I should probably read some goddamn advertising right here. All right, Luke Cray.
Oh, give me the Luke.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Let's get back to the fucking podcast.
So I've been listening to a bunch of fucking old-school country.

Speaker 2 Not all the way back to Hank Williams, but like that outlaw shit. You know?

Speaker 2 Right before the outlaw shit. Is George Jones considered outlaw? I don't know.
But listening to him led, obviously,

Speaker 2 to all of these other fucking guys, right?

Speaker 2 And I ended up listening. I remember that this song.
Do you guys remember Johnny Paycheck?

Speaker 2 Johnny Paycheck was this country singer. And I swear to God, he had a hit song called Take This Job and Shove It.

Speaker 2 And it was such a fucking hit.

Speaker 2 It so struck a chord with people

Speaker 2 that they actually turned it into a movie. There was actually a movie called Take This Job and Shove It.

Speaker 2 It was just

Speaker 2 about a fucking guy who was working in a job that he hated, and he wanted to tell him,

Speaker 2 you know, basically tell them to go fuck themselves, but he didn't have the nerve. And I think it was because the lyric was someday I'm going to get the nerve to say it.

Speaker 2 And everybody could relate to it, being like, hey, I also hate my fucking life, and I want to make a change,

Speaker 2 but I don't know how to do it. You know what I mean? It's like the whole Donald Trump fucking phenomenon.
Not the informed people.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I'm talking about the mouth breather. You know what I mean? Like with Hillary Clinton.
You had the informed person that wanted to vote for her, and then you had the hissy fit, fucking dope.

Speaker 2 This will be great for women. Like your life was really going to fucking change.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I just don't, I don't, I don't understand adults who haven't fucking figured it out yet. That you're on your own.

Speaker 2 Okay, playtime is over. Nobody cares about you.
Okay?

Speaker 2 I don't care what color their fucking tie or their bra is. They don't.

Speaker 2 The level of money that you have to have, and then you have to give it to these people.

Speaker 2 for you to even be on their radar.

Speaker 2 You have to be going to these $10,000, $100,000, $50,000 fucking plate dinners with them.

Speaker 2 And then you have to stand in a line of people that all paid that money. Okay?

Speaker 2 And you got to get up there with your fucking shapeshifter, fucking lizard eyeballs, and you got to try to peer into their soul.

Speaker 2 I didn't think you talked to them. You just walk up with a napkin that says how much money you're going to give to them, and then you're on their fucking radar.

Speaker 2 It has nothing to do with your genitalia. Anyways.

Speaker 2 So all the, okay, so I'm getting off the rails here. So this fucking guy, Johnny Paycheck, he's got this fucking song, Take This Job and Shove It.

Speaker 2 It's the funniest fucking just, there's no way to listen to this song and not fucking just be.

Speaker 2 I played it for Paul Versey. He was crying and laughing.
He goes, This can't be a real song. I go, dude, not only is it a real song, it was turning into a movie.

Speaker 2 Just the way he says, Shove it, his voice drops way down.

Speaker 2 He goes, Take this job and shove it. I ain't working here no more.

Speaker 2 My woman done left, took all the reasons I was working for.

Speaker 2 These are the actual lyrics. You better not try to stand in my way because I'm walking out the door.

Speaker 2 You could take this job and shove it.

Speaker 2 I ain't working here no more. Then this stupid bass line comes on.

Speaker 2 And it gets all like kind of quiet. You know, when a redneck gets quiet, you know, and starts talking, leans in, it's it's fucking scary.
You know?

Speaker 2 Non-whiteys, even for white people, that's fucking scary. There is nothing scarier than a redneck leaning in at a bar, thinking that we're all on the same team.

Speaker 2 That's some fucked up shit, because you're immediately like, I don't want to do, I don't want any part of what you're about ready to tell me, sir.

Speaker 2 And I want to try to get out of this conversation gracefully. How do I dismount out of this fucking conversation?

Speaker 2 The second,

Speaker 2 when a fucking redneck looks the opposite way of the conversation and then leans in, I'm telling you, there should be like a fucking

Speaker 2 injector seat on your barstool

Speaker 2 to get you the fuck out of there. Where'd he go?

Speaker 2 Did I get left behind?

Speaker 2 So I swear to God, so when he gets into the verse, right,

Speaker 2 it's like he's leaning in. I've been working in this factory for now on 15 years.

Speaker 2 All this time, I I watched my woman drowning in a pool of tears. You know, and what I love about all those old school country songs is that fucking women always leave.

Speaker 2 They're always crying or whatever, but these fucking assholes never say why. And whenever I listen to these songs, it's just like, dude, what the fuck were you doing?

Speaker 2 I get it. You're working at this factory.
You don't like the job. Why is your woman drowning in a pool of tears? What the, I mean, are you taking this fucking, so you don't have the the balls

Speaker 2 to try to get a better job? Tell your boss to fuck off. So, what happens? You come home, you take it out on your wife.

Speaker 2 Is that what you're doing?

Speaker 2 I've had shit jobs. I've had low pay for the first fucking, I don't know how many years of being a comedian

Speaker 2 was a low-paying job. I never had a girlfriend drowning in a pool of tears.

Speaker 2 I mean, I definitely made him cry, but that's because I was an asshole. It had nothing to do with, I wouldn't blame my job.

Speaker 2 I've been featuring on the road for now on 16 years. Horn of these days.
Anyways,

Speaker 2 just listen to the fucking song. You got to hear this song.

Speaker 2 You got to hear.

Speaker 2 Johnny Paycheck.

Speaker 2 I know I'm making fun of him, but I actually...

Speaker 2 I don't know. There's something about this.
I listen to this fucking song, and it just gives me all kinds of ideas for characters and shit like that in movies and whatever.

Speaker 2 But I'm in download George Jones, George Jones, Tammy Wynette, all of these fucking people. And I swear to God,

Speaker 2 you got to listen to George Jones these days.

Speaker 2 These days, I barely get by

Speaker 2 is inadvertently one of the funniest fucking songs you're ever going to listen to your life. Do you have one of those friends that just calls up and complains all the time?

Speaker 2 And you try to help him out and go, hey, well, what if you do? Nah, I can't do that. And blah, blah, blah.
The fucking fucking guy who's just resigned himself.

Speaker 2 You know, hey, with my luck, this would X, Y, and Z would happen. That's why I can't.
With that fucking attitude, that's exactly what's going to happen.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I got a couple friends like that.

Speaker 2 After a while, you're just like, dude, you're a white guy in the United States of America. How far down the fucking track before the race starts do you have to be?

Speaker 2 Jesus fucking Christ. How the fuck are you complaining?

Speaker 2 Complaining, I'm not saying that white people should not complain.

Speaker 2 I know there's a lot of of people drowning in a pool of tears. One of these days I'm going to get the, I'm going to blow my top.

Speaker 2 It's like, dude, why don't you just address the fact that you don't like your job? Apply from some other jobs.

Speaker 2 If you don't have the training, take some night courses, you know, get the training you need.

Speaker 2 Instead of sitting there seething,

Speaker 2 coming home, taking it out on your fucking woman. George Jones has another fucking song

Speaker 2 called The Grand Tour.

Speaker 2 Listen to, I'm telling you, you've got to listen to these fucking songs, right? I listen to that song. It's like, George, what in the fuck did you do to your woman?

Speaker 2 It's like, step right up,

Speaker 2 come on in.

Speaker 2 If you'd want to take the grand tour

Speaker 2 of a lonely house that once was home, sweet home. You're like, Jesus Christ.
And this motherfucker, he goes through his whole house.

Speaker 2 Over there

Speaker 2 is the chair where it should bring the paper to me and sit down on my knee and whisper, oh, I love you.

Speaker 2 You're like, Jesus Christ, right there. You want to get out of the house.
This motherfucker won't stop. Straight ahead

Speaker 2 is the bed where we lay and love

Speaker 2 something.

Speaker 2 Dude, he gets all all the way to the nursery. You're like, oh, Jesus Christ.
And he goes, she took the fucking baby.

Speaker 2 And the key thing in all of this is he says, there's her rings and her things.

Speaker 2 And it's like, this fucking woman

Speaker 2 left all of her stuff and took the baby. George, what the fuck did you do to her?

Speaker 2 This woman didn't leave you. She fled the fucking scene.

Speaker 2 There's some sort of detail. You're not fucking giving me here.

Speaker 2 Where are the empty booze bottles? I mean, what do you, what

Speaker 2 I actually listened to that song, I feel bad for the woman in his life until I found out she left. Then I actually feel good.
Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Get that kid out of there, too.
I mean,

Speaker 2 I'm supposed to feel bad for you.

Speaker 2 Sounds like you went out back to chop some wood and she just grabbed, she saw some daylight.

Speaker 2 Somehow got the chains off around her ankles, grabbed the kid, and got the fuck out of there. Um, anyways, let's read some.

Speaker 2 There's gonna be some pure country fans gonna be like, you're missing the point, man.

Speaker 2 Take this job and shove it.

Speaker 2 I ain't working here no more.

Speaker 2 All right, pro flowers, everybody. Woman done left me.

Speaker 2 My woman done left me.

Speaker 2 Hey, Johnny Paycheck, come on. It's just you and me.

Speaker 2 What did you do?

Speaker 2 You know, I imagine if she fucked around on you, you would have mentioned it.

Speaker 2 All right, maybe I'm taking these fucking songs a little too seriously.

Speaker 2 I have a problem with that. Like, when I listen to rap music, you know,

Speaker 2 like, who's that new group that everybody's me goes?

Speaker 2 When I watch their videos and shit, and they're coming up in those supercars and they're holding the fucking money out, it just, it literally, I have to look in the other direction.

Speaker 2 It just drives me nuts seeing artists doing that. I just, I'm always thinking in my head, please, please buy some real estate.

Speaker 2 Please don't blow it all on fucking Kobe 11s.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. Dude, watching artists, watching people who don't understand money, I guess, but I would say artists, you know.

Speaker 2 The shit that we fucking do, it's just the dumbest.

Speaker 2 You know, it's another stupid fucking thing. I love these people that buy watches that are like, it's like, dude, that thing you could hang that on the fucking wall.

Speaker 2 I'd know what time it was from across the room. Why do you have that on your wrist?

Speaker 2 The amount of guys that are like my height and my size

Speaker 2 walking around with a watch that only would look right on like a fucking offensive lineman is

Speaker 2 it's like did you take that out of a submarine?

Speaker 2 Is that like deep sea scuba diving shit? So

Speaker 2 you can can fucking go down to like, what, 9,000 feet, and

Speaker 2 the goddamn dial won't bust on it?

Speaker 2 I got me a big old watch.

Speaker 2 People in a different time zone can tell what time it is.

Speaker 2 Take this watch and shove it.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I'm getting up against it here. You know what I'm doing today, by the way? I'm going to go see old Cleo Dio.

Speaker 2 I'm going to see my dog Cleo.

Speaker 2 The people that ended up

Speaker 2 getting her from us live out here. So

Speaker 2 I'm actually going to get to see her. I'm visiting her today and tomorrow.
And

Speaker 2 I can't wait to see her and everything. She's probably not even going to give a shit

Speaker 2 because she's probably going to be

Speaker 2 so in love with the other people. Because I kind of realized that going, well, she was in love with the people that had her before us.

Speaker 2 And within a week, she fucking loved us. I mean, dogs just, they adapt.
They just fucking adapt. So

Speaker 2 I got another five minutes here and then I got to take off. So I got time for like one question here.
Let me see.

Speaker 2 Let me get a good one here.

Speaker 2 Right E. Hey, Dictator Bill.

Speaker 2 I'm 19 years old and I've been with my girlfriend. My woman don't left.
I'm with my girlfriend now for two years.

Speaker 2 I know what you're thinking. Too young for all these silly problems.
That's not what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, good for you.

Speaker 2 Way to go. Way to go, fella.

Speaker 2 Anyway, for the first year of our relationship, literally everything was perfect. I still love her just as much as I did then.
I'm sure she loves me just as much.

Speaker 2 However, during the second year of our

Speaker 2 relationship, an overnight shift changed.

Speaker 2 And then we stopped having sex.

Speaker 2 It's basically non-existent, and now and again, every couple of months, it will happen. But I know she's not enjoying it.
This is because she was on the implant, contraception injection.

Speaker 2 At first, I was questioning myself, and if it was me that wasn't getting her in the mood anymore, but she promises me that it isn't because of the implant.

Speaker 2 She says it's that, what the fuck is a contraception injection?

Speaker 2 Jesus,

Speaker 2 I've never heard of that shit.

Speaker 2 It's an injection so you won't get pregnant.

Speaker 2 Dude, if you literally told me contraception actually meant it's gonna get you pregnant, I would believe that too.

Speaker 2 That's like one of those fucking words that I just ignored my whole life.

Speaker 2 You know, like soliloquy. Like, what the fuck does that mean? You know?

Speaker 2 Contraception.

Speaker 2 Implant.

Speaker 2 Official site, get the facts. Fuck that.
I don't want facts. I want pictures, images.

Speaker 2 Okay, they're showing it that it's nice and small.

Speaker 2 For some reason, they keep putting it up against their bicep.

Speaker 2 They stick it in your fucking arm.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 This looks like some fucking robot shit.

Speaker 2 Okay, it's birth control, implant. They stick a fucking toothpick in your arm and then you can't have a baby.
I don't get it. Anyways, well, yeah, that's probably fucking annoying to have it in there.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? She goes to hug you and the inside of her arm hurts. Anyways, after the first, I was questioning myself, blah, blah, blah.
She says that

Speaker 2 it has caused her to completely lose her sex drive. She says she just had it removed, and it's been a few weeks since, and nothing has changed yet.

Speaker 2 I feel so much resentment towards her every day, and what I can only describe as depression as soon as I see her most of the time.

Speaker 2 I find myself being such an angry, short-tempered person now when normally I'm usually happy and smiling. Ah, Jesus.
Might be time to get out of this relationship, buddy. But you know something?

Speaker 2 If it really affected her like that, it depends on how long she had it in there. Maybe she needs longer than two weeks.

Speaker 2 But you know, if you're gonna be an angry lunatic, I mean, if you don't leave, eventually she's gonna. But you know what? You get yourself a song out of it.
A woman done put a toothpick in her arm.

Speaker 2 Now she won't suck my dick. One of these days I'm going to whip it out and wipe it on the wall.

Speaker 2 You can take my dick and shove it.

Speaker 2 Right in your fucking mouth, you whore.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 I always seem to try and hide my need for sex and act like I don't ever want it and try to show disinterest. But I never can.
I guess it just must be more important to me than it is to her.

Speaker 2 I never thought sex was such a big deal, but the last year has taught me that when there's bad sex life in a relationship, it can really cause the whole thing to just break down.

Speaker 2 It just got to the point now that I've said we need some space and a break, because the last thing I want is to ruin our relationship.

Speaker 2 Dude, you're fucking miserable, man. And you have to, you have to, you know, it's you gotta be with somebody and like understand them and, you know,

Speaker 2 be there when they're going through a tough time. But, like,

Speaker 2 you know if they're not understanding how fucking miserable you are you're just gonna

Speaker 2 you're just gonna keep getting more miserable and then you know then they're gonna be miserable and then in the end they're gonna fucking break up with you and you're gonna be like what the fuck I should have done that to them not see breaking up with somebody is not something you should do to them it's something you should do for yourself all right this is the deal dude you're not fucking happy all right

Speaker 2 You're not happy. It's great that you're taking a fucking break.

Speaker 2 And I would go out and I'd fucking go try to enjoy myself and meet somebody that doesn't have a fucking toothpick in their arm that doesn't want to touch my dick.

Speaker 2 You know, I mean, that's just getting down to brass tacks here. That's what's going on, right?

Speaker 2 They stuck that shit in her, and now you can't stick your shit in her. So, I mean, well, you got to get the fuck out.
I get out.

Speaker 2 You're young, dude. You're 19.
What are you going to marry her? What are you in the military?

Speaker 2 People in the military get married when they're 19, you know.

Speaker 2 My woman don't lip.

Speaker 2 That's what you do.

Speaker 2 It just sounds like

Speaker 2 you sound like you need a long time away from each other. The way that was read, dude, that sounded like a fucking 40-year-old guy wrote that in your 19.

Speaker 2 So that's kind of a good sign that maybe you should get the fuck out.

Speaker 2 Who knows? But I would not say anything mean. I would not, and I just, you know, you want to be able to see the person again and not get a glass to the head.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 That's kind of what you're going for. So the art form is you just tell them how you're feeling.

Speaker 2 You know, I'm just not happy. I'm sorry, that's just how I feel.
I'm just not happy, and I'm finding myself less and less happy, and

Speaker 2 it's affecting my moods. Everything you just said,

Speaker 2 and I'm finding that I'm getting angry, and I don't want to be angry around you and create any misery in your life. So, as much as this is going to hurt you, I'm walking out the door.

Speaker 2 You can take this relationship and shove it.

Speaker 2 That's it. Then walk out the door.

Speaker 2 You know? And you'll probably walk out that door and you'll be sad a little bit.

Speaker 2 And you walk a little more. Then you start skipping.
And then you're running down the street. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, it might be one of those breakups.

Speaker 2 Or it could be the one, oh, why did I do it? I don't fucking know. But you're 19.
You know, if you got the whole, you got your whole fucking life ahead of you. You don't need to be in this.

Speaker 2 This sounds like you're fucking married. I'd get out.

Speaker 2 Alright, that's it. Okay, and that's the fucking podcast for this week.
Go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you on

Speaker 2 Thursday. And that's it.
I'll let you know how

Speaker 2 seeing old Cleo in the next couple of days is, which is going to be fucking awesome. And it's also, you know what? I'm psyched that, you know, we've got a cool family.
And,

Speaker 2 you know, I think I'll come out to Phoenix a couple times a year. You know, do a run of shows like I'm doing here.

Speaker 2 Go to a game or something like like that. I'll hang with the dog.
It's kind of nice, you know?

Speaker 2 All right, that's it. I'll talk to you guys later.

Speaker 1 I think I drop megaton bars more faster than you blink. Cause rhyme thoughts travel at a tremendous speed.
You clouds of smoke, a natural blends of weed.

Speaker 1 Only under one circumstance, as if I'm blunted, turned that up my clan in the front wanted. Now, when the MC's came to live out the name, dance to perform, something had to snort.