F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday.

Fucking March 1st. No, March 3rd.
Sorry, dude. March 3rd.

2025. What the fuck, kid?

Why am I talking in an extra hard Boston accent? Because I'm reminiscent, dude. I'm recording this on March 2nd.
March 2nd, 1992, at Nick's Comedy Stop on fucking Warrington Street down in the theater district. You know, where all the fellas hang out.
Don't get me started, kid. They don't need to go to donkeys.
They got enough sugar in their tank, huh? You know what I'm saying? That's how people talked when I started. It was worse than that.
That's how they started. That's the way they talked.
That's the way they believed. When I started stand-up comedy 23 years ago,

Toydy Toyd, that's actually New York.

I only heard one guy ever say that.

I was on the downtown 6th train

and the guy running the train

back when it was an actual person

as opposed to just some fucking computer thing.

Next stop, Toydy Toyd Street.

Toydy Toyd Street is next. Ex the right please watch your step 23rd Street's next anyways 33 fucking years and not having a real job bumming around traveling doing all this bullshit, having a great time.
I did this secret stand-up show, whatever the kids call it, in a barbershop in Astor Place. The Astor family, you know, anytime something is named after a family, you know that a lot of people suffered.
I remember I started looking up Astor, who's the Astors, right? I up they're all like fucking slumlords and people were dying of tuberculosis as they built their fucking wealth Cooper Hall was another fucking guy anytime there's a there's like if you see a statue of of of a Caucasian all right and they they and's not military. It's not some regular fucking person that joined up and won the Medal of Honor, you know, an infantryman.
If it's someone sitting on a fucking horse on the statue, it's usually a pretty safe bet that some people suffered. And, you know, you look at that stuff.
Oh, that was a different time and blah, blah, blah. And you look at it now, it's still going on.
It's just, it's done differently. I just got out of this.
I'm going to get back to my 33 years in stand-up. 33 years of shit jokes.
I was just in this

this fucking car and they had this magazine said jet set and on the cover of the magazine is this fucking guy in like this blue suit and he's got he's like mean mugging like that's his he's on the cover of a magazine he's not smiling like oh fuck you know this is great he's mean mug-mugging. He's on the cover of a magazine.

He's not smiling like, oh, fuck, you know, this is great.

He's mean-mugging and all of this shit.

And these fucking CEOs, their egos are just out of fucking control.

It's like, what is that look on your face?

Are you fighting for the middleweight title?

Are you on the next UFC?

Are you a Green Beret?

Are you in the fucking Marines? What is that fucking you move numbers around you put people out of business you crush the dreams of the little guy what is that fucking look on your face it's fucking it's hilarious yeah I get it.

You got a watch collection.

I don't understand.

Listen.

He's one of those fucking guys, you know, that has like a, you know, those those fucking business guys.

They all memorize like a million quotes to justify what they're doing to everyone underneath them.

You know, their favorite one is this is how business is done.

And they quote the art of war and all of this shit.

And they got like that thing, like back in the day when people used to give drug dealers shit

and drug dealers would be, hey, if I didn't fucking do it, somebody else would do it, right?

They have all of those things to justify what the fuck they're doing.

Oh, well, and good.

But don't have a fucking look on your face like, you know.

So, let's go. Somebody else would do it, right? They have all of those things to justify what the fuck they're doing.
All well and good. But don't have a fucking look on your face like, you know, like you were pinned down taking fucking fire or whatever, you know? I don't know.
Maybe he's a veteran. I have no idea.
Maybe he fought. I have no idea.
But just seeing a guy in a fucking suit looking at me, you know, like he doesn't make his money like hitting a keyboard I don't understand it I think that's like everybody has sort of co-opted the let's go let's fucking go attitude they try to apply it to their job even though it's not like a let's fucking go job let's fucking go go. We're down by eight, you know, with fucking three minutes to go.
I'm playing football. I'm fucking, you know, whatever.
You know, something's on the line here. Not this stupid business shit.
I don't know. I find that shit funny to me.
Whatever. I don't know anything about it, but like these fucking CEOs now.
And it's funny. Now they're like working out and they have like these fucking breathable suits that they wear, you know, and you have a handful of raw almonds, you know, to keep the metabolism going and your brain clear so you can make the right decision.
The right decision. You know, so I can fucking crush all of these people.

And knock down all the places where they live so I can build a big fucking glass thing that people can wash money in.

You see this look on my face?

That's the fucking mentality you need to fucking.

It would be funny in the future. Do you think they're they're going to name a subway stop after the Facebook guy?

Or the Twitter guy?

The nerve of the fucking Twitter guy walking around the government going,

justify your fucking job.

Dude, justify your fucking wealth.

Justify what you pay other people.

Justify what you're doing to people. Why don't you justify your fucking bullshit first? Jesus Christ, turning the country into an episode of Shark Tank.
I don't know what it is. I'll be honest with you.
I have not seen a Republican or a Democrat in fucking over 10 years. It's been a long fucking time.

Longer than that.

I think like the last, sort of like, you know,

if you look at it like tennis, the pre-open era,

and you went to the open era of championships,

I would say George Herbert Walker was the last ones before.

Then the open era became, was The Clintons were somehow Democrats.

And then George W. was somehow a Republican.

Not a bunch of oil men.

They were Republicans.

I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

I just wish there was more, you know...

I don't know. Jimmy Carter, man.
You can't get mad at that fucking guy. You know what I mean? Maybe you can.
I have no idea. Guy's president, keeps us out of wars, doesn't take the bait over in fucking Iran, leaves office, builds houses for the homeless until he's almost 100.
I mean, that's what the job's supposed to be, right? A public servant? Isn't that what it's supposed to be? Not supposed to be lining you? All right, I got to get off this shit. Like, I don't even watch the fucking news.
I don't even watch the fucking news and I can't stop talking about this shit. I can't imagine actually sitting there looking at that shit.
So let's get to something sillier. I watched, I was watching TV because like most people, I don't read anymore.
Like TV is the new reading. Just the fact that you're not scrolling on your phone, like, wow, you're an intellectual.
You can actually sit down and watch an entire episode without your brain flying away, which I can't necessarily do. Especially because I always watch old movies and shit and i don't know why i am obsessed with finding out everybody in the movie to see if they're still alive and if they're not alive when they died and what they died of and then i have to pause and rewind and go back and i am just i am watching some fucking crazy movies i just let me make sure i sure I got this, the name of this movie right.
I watched Race with the Devil. And there was this amazing era in cinema where you could end a movie on a freeze frame.
You know, I actually looked it up afterwards because this movie ends on a freeze frame. No Jake Isles.
I'm talking like cinema. Ends on a freeze frame no jake isles i'm talking like cinema

ends on a freeze frame and i was trying to think i remember hooper ended on a freeze frame actually ended with burt reynolds breaking the fourth wall looking right into the camera after he punches the director the fake director not the real director of the film punches him in the face turns around and gives the okay sign.

Ha ha.

Ah, ah, ah.

The fucking... director of the film punches him in the face turns around and gives the okay sign the fucking burt reynolds laugh and it just freeze-framed and they rolled the credit and that was like that was the thing um i remember uh i didn't remember i looked up a list of of movies that ended on a freeze frame and one of them, and I was so pissed when it happened, was Rocky III ends on a freeze frame of Rocky and Apollo getting in the ring and they're just going to fucking fight.
And they're about ready to hit each other. It freezes.
And they said it, and you're going like, oh my God, this is the greatest epilogue ever. We just it he came back he beat Clubber Lang right and now he's gonna go at it with Apollo Creed I want to see this and it didn't happen I think even Hollywood knew you know they're like we can't have a white fighter beat two black guys in a row like I don't think...
So let's just... After he beats up Clever Lang, we're going to freeze frame on the Apollo Creed thing.
Anyway, that was actually the first Rocky movie that I saw. And then I think I went back and I saw...
I might have gone 3, 2, 1, and then saw Rocky IV. I think that's how I did it.
I did Star Wars like that. No.
I saw I might have gone three, two, one and then saw Rocky four. I think that's how I did.
I almost I did Star Wars like that. No.
I saw Empire Strikes Back first and then I saw Return of the Jedi. No, I think I saw Star Wars before that, because I want to say they read they put it they would put it back out to get people caught up if you missed them.
And I got to admit, I always found the first Star Wars, when they were in the desert, I found it really boring and I sort of zoned out. But I really liked the next one.
Empire Strikes Back was cool. You know, the frozen tundra with the ad-ads and all that shit.
And then a lot of people didn't like the ewoks i like the ewoks with those fucking sleds flying through the trees man that was amazing um when they did the first person when you were in the movie theater that that was incredible i mean i know now your seat vibrates you know and they have some immigrant with a hand fan in your, so your hair moves or whatever the fuck they do with these things. They're paying them $2 a month.
Sorry, I just had a fucking cup of coffee, so I'm a little wound up on this one. Anyway.

Yes, I've been watching these crazy movies. I watched two movies this week.

They were both car movies.

What was the other one?

After I finished that race with the devil,

I saw this movie I never heard of called The Outfit with Robert Duvall pre-Godfather and it's a mafia movie and I text a buddy of mine who I really respect his knowledge of movies. He goes, that's a great fucking movie.
You know, and it's also my wheelhouse, like 1973, just these amazing fucking cars. Um, I'm on the lookout for a daily driver.
Um, I sold my Jaguar. My mechanic told me, he goes, do me a favor.
Just do me a favor. Because these cars are not made right.
All right? And it was funny. And that was after I spent all the money.
I didn't feel bad, you know, when I sold it. Because I feel like I took the hit.
And the car is going to be good for at least another 30,000 miles. But my mechanic's the shit.
And he like, you know, when he did the final big repair on it, he was just like, do me a favor, get rid of this car. He goes, you see that over there? That's a Range Rover that has, that's a 2019 Range Rover with 55,000 miles on it.
The owner loves the truck. So he's doing this.
It's twenty five thousand dollars worth of repairs right now because that engine sucks your car basically has the same fucking engine in it i go get the fuck out of here the jaguar and he goes just just trust me he goes you can change the fucking oil i don't give a shit this thing is gonna shit the bed and you're gonna you know so i was like all right you know this is good for me i hold on to shit even if and you're going to, you know, so I was like, all right, you know, this is good for me. I hold on to shit, even if it's not working to me.
I stay in shit. Just like, you know, I learned that growing up.
I saw all these sad housewives with these fucking miserable guys that they married and they fucking hung in there. You know, I learned a lot having a paper route.
You'd go into a house and you could feel it if like the relationship was working. I didn't even realize, I just stumbled upon that.
Yeah, there was like certain houses you were excited to go to. They were happy.
They had the heat fucking cranking. People were in a good mood, you know.
And then there was other houses. There'd be like one light on.
You'd be like, oh, fuck, here we go. This fucking guy.
Oh, Jesus. You know what I mean? Just like tension, you know.
Some houses felt like an after party. and other houses just felt like, you know some houses felt like an after party and other houses just felt like you know coach is gonna lose his fucking job um so anyway i don't even know what my fucking point was there but isn't that the point of this podcast it's just rumbling bumbling stumbling rambling bullshit until I do a fucking hour.

Oh, I was going to say,

so I saw this rolaids commercial this lady's eating this giant fucking meal and then she gets heartburn and she's she's sad oh god he's got this look on her face. They give her some Rolaids, right?

You got heartburn.

What do you do?

Yeah, eat some root vegetables.

Lay off acidic food.

Lay off the coffee.

Gee, Bill, how'd you learn this?

Yeah, don't have balsamic vinaigrette

and fucking coffee three days in a row.

You'll be fucking hiccuping for two days in a row um they had her eat fucking rolaids and then this is the greatest thing ever she eats the rolaids then she feels good and then they bring her a big slice of fucking chocolate cake which i've also learned that chocolate will give you heartburn so she's signing up like Rolaids those sneaky motherfuckers are showing you we can cure heartburn and then we're encouraging you to eat more shit to get more heartburn so you buy more fucking Rolaids like I really don't think the slice of chocolate cake was an accident but I've been a little paranoid lately so if you guys talk me off the fucking the the goddamn cliff here but i was i was a little you know going that's all the fucking shit she could have had for dessert it's a john i mean dude and this thing was like you know you could hold open a bank vault with this if you use that slice of cake as a goddamn doorstopper that's how big this fucking slice of cake was it was like a third of the cake you know and she had a look on her face like she was gonna do the whole fucking thing you know it wasn't like the thing arrived and there was like four forks which by the way i i don't like that i'm not a fan of that when they bring the dessert and it's one fucking thing and then they just have four spoons sitting there. You know what I mean? It's like, what are we, swingers? You know, you're sitting there with another couple.
What the fuck are we doing here? I get my own dessert. I'm over here with my wife.
You're over there. We're not, we're not fucking, you know, touching spoons here.
Is it me or why do I feel like somebody's playing footsie under the fucking table and i don't know what's what's going on here hey bill you gotta relax man i'm just saying what the fuck you know you want a dessert you gave you your fucking desserts over there hey bill you know you just you just really wound up you know you don't people do that to you it's the worst thing about having a temper it's it's so easy for people to get out of their bullshit because you know, you just really wound up, you know you know, people do that to you it's the worst thing about having a temper it's so easy for people to get out of their bullshit because, you know you're making a scene you know come on, you're making a scene I wouldn't be making a scene if you weren't doing your fucking bullshit I wouldn't be making a scene alright All right? What was my moment before?

Your bullshit. That's how the scene started.
You're making a fucking scene. Am I ever going to see these people again? I don't give a fuck.
Look at them. They're all bored.
They must be bored. They're over here.
They're looking at me, right? Say goodnight to the bald guy. So anyway, all right, to get you updated on Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, we have rehearsal is over.
We've done our rehearsals. So now we have some technical stuff to do.
And then a week from today, March 10th, we go into previews. Previews last a couple of weeks.
It's like preseason, preseason football. And then the season starts September, except this starts March 31st.
And I don't know that I can really convey how excited I am to do this. it's weird because I've just been doing it you know going to work doing the thing and every

once in a while I just think, you know, going to work, doing the thing. And every once in a while, I just think like, you know, I think the magnitude of fucking doing a Broadway play like this is fucking insane.
This is something I've always wanted to do and I'm going to get to fucking do it. This is so fucking cool.
Like I'm like I'm the same level excited I am. I remember years ago we got hooked up and we got tickets to go see Duke Carolina in Camden Indoor.
And you just walk in like I can't fucking believe I'm here. I cannot fucking believe that.
That's Coach K right fucking there. And this is Duke Carolina.
And I can't even hear myself think it's so fucking loud in here this is unbelievable or like I would say I went to the first time I went to an F1 race I went in Montreal and like the cars are celebrities or first time I saw MotoGP the only time I saw MotoGP when you're just looking at the the, you're looking at the fucking bike, that's fucking, Mark Marquez was still on the Honda at that point, right? Which, by the way, that season started this weekend. I kind of peaked and saw some of the results.
So spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it yet, I'm still hanging with my family. Thank God.
Having a great time with them. So I didn't get to watch it at some crazy hour.
But here comes the spoiler stuff. I know Mark Marquez, who's now riding for the Ducati team.
It's him and Pecco Bigni. And they are like, you know, I don't know.
He was sort of the heir apparent when Mark got hurt. And now they're on the same team.
And Mark, all of a sudden, you know, he won a few races. I would say he won at least one last year.
He was also riding a Ducati, but it wasn't the factory Ducati. I still don't understand that.
What does that mean? He's still riding a Ducati. Did they give him some, like, bootleg Ducati parts? You're still getting Ducati parts.
And then you have the factory team. Well, he's now riding for the factory team, which is going to create a Days of Thunder kind of thing.
Because, you know, Pecco was the guy. And now you've got Mark Marquez who was the guy, and now that he's riding the best bike, arguably, is he the guy? Like, who's number one, right? What's going on here? And everybody's sort of smiling and acting like everything's cool, but you know it's not.
So all that means, it's got to be some fucking great racing, and at some point point those two are going to have to act like teammates and does it happen because I remember Valtteri oh god I can't remember the F1 drivers Valtteri Botas the Finnish guy was the teammate with

Lewis Hamilton

and he would do shit

you know

speed up

slow down

whatever the fuck

he needed to do

to help

Lewis Hamilton

and at one point

he was leading a race

and he needed

Lewis Hamilton

to do something to him

and he was like

yeah go fuck yourself

he ignored the team

and I was like

hey what do you do

what do you gotta win

every fucking race

you know

he was bringing that

Thank you. ignored the team.
And I was like, man, what do you, what do you got to win every fucking race? You know, he was bringing that CEO vibe. But, um, I'm actually excited to see like Lewis Hamilton drive for, um, Ferrari.
How funny is it that he was wearing some t-shirt, Lewis Hamilton, this isn't funny, it's actually sad, some t-shirt about, you know,

I don't know, treating the common man with respect. And, you know, that's the billionaire sport.
They're like, yeah, no, no, no t-shirts questioning what we're doing to the world. imagine being a billionaire oh my god God, I'm speaking in Instagram.
Imagine fucking being in this house and you can't find your keys. You're a billionaire and you're afraid of something on a t-shirt.
I mean, I guess that's how they get it. They get to where they're at i guess spinning shit so they probably know the power of a billboard maybe that's what it is i don't know um but anyway it's exciting to see lewis hamilton with ferrari um i don't know i'm old school guy so i love ferrari i just love fucking Italy.
I get along with Italians. I like the way they live, the way they dress.
Their fucking food is crazy. The cars they like.
I just, I get it. I get it, you know? So, Ferraris are just, you know, works of art.
And to see, you know, arguably the greatest driver of all time

driving the most iconic, for the most iconic team

is pretty cool.

So I'm going to try to make it to a race.

Maybe that Vegas one again,

just to see Lewis Hamilton in a Ferrari.

I think he's going to look good in that fucking car.

It's still the best, the Ferrari fucking red.

I mean, I don't know.

I kind of like the red in racing.

I like the Ferraris.

I like the Ducatis, although they sort of changed the color.

I think they made it less red or whatever, but I always liked it, you know, or Tiger would wear red on Sunday. You know, or in bike racing, you wear the yellow shirt because you're the leader.
Anyway, I'm babbling. I'm babbling after this cup of coffee.
So anyway, I am ridiculously I'm so fucking amped

up to do this play.

And it's already flying by.

I can't believe I've been out here for a month already.

And

I don't know. What I'm feeling right

now, I want for all you guys that listen to this

thing. I hope whatever the fuck you're going after,

I hope you get it.

And

you get to, I don't know,

whatever the fuck it is you want to do, I hope you get to

do it. I hope these assholes

Thank you. I hope you get it.
And you get to, I don't know, whatever the fuck it is you want to do, I hope you get to do it. I hope these assholes in these fucking stretchy suits will allow that.
I still don't understand why they're not cooler. You got a billion dollars.
There's no reason to have that look on your face. You won.
At what point did you win? Oh my God. The shit you could do with that money.
And everyone would be chanting best shit ever. Best shit ever.
You guys aren't best guy ever. I always go back to that boss that he's a good shit.
Oh, yeah, guy, he's a good shit. Best shit ever.
I just don't understand. I don't get it.
I don't get it. I don't understand why if you had all of that money, you would choose to try to get more money.
I don't get it. I don't get it.
Look at comedians. They're always making us out to be fucking assholes.
We do benefits all the fucking time. All the fucking time.
And I can tell you this because I run a fucking benefit. There is not one comic I fucking ask to say, hey, you want to do this Patrice O'Neill benefit?

We're taking care of Patrice's mom.

Fucking absolutely.

I don't give a fuck.

I'll fly in.

I'll put myself up.

I don't give a shit.

I'll do anything for that fucking guy.

You know, I just don't understand these business people.

They fucking hang on to every nickel. Hanging on too tight, man.
What movie was that? Was it Top Gun? You two characters are going to Top Gun. All right.
Anyway, I think I babbled enough. I think I babbled enough.
I could have said that 15 years ago on this fucking podcast all right let me get the uh

what am i doing here let me get the uh the rigamarole here let's get the fucking oh it's funny this these were my notes i didn't look at them ceo douche rolaids commercial mark marquez MotoGP, Alex Marquez, and then St. John Seton Hall.

Yes. Marquez, MotoGP, Alex Marquez, and then St.
John Seton Hall. Yes, I went to that game.
I got tickets to the game because I thought it was out in, oh Christ, I always forget that coach's name, the guy with the sweaters. Hang on a second, I got it written down here.
Hold on, hold on. I'm I'm not lie to you.
Not going to lie to you. I'm looking it up.
I'm looking at a Carneseca arena. I wanted to go out there.
It's a little 6,000 seat basketball arena. But the last second they switched it over to Madison Square Garden.
So I was talking to one of the guys that ran it and I was going like, you know, you got 6,000 seats out there.

You already own the arena or at the very least you're paying the bank loan on it.

All right.

You get all the concessions and all of that shit there.

You move this game to Madison Square Garden.

He goes 8,500 seats.

After 8,500, that's when we start making money.

I'm going, yeah, because you got to pay pay to rent this place. And he goes, yeah.
He goes, yeah, a lot of people don't know that. And I was telling him, I was going, yeah, you know, you can make more money.
I would think, but I think it's like a good advertising thing for them. I don't know.
It ended up being easy for me because I'm staying like on the Lower East Side when I'm out here. So it was easy for me to fucking get over there to the easier than Queens.
But I haven't been all the way out in Queens for a while. And I was kind of looking forward to taking the subway going out there.
But I don't know. I would love to do a stand-up show at St.
John's in that arena but I really want to see a game I mean dude I'm fucking like hardcore Big East basketball fan from back in the day like you know it's not what it was because of all these super fucking conferences and shit that they had but uh I wore a sweater to the game you know to show my respect and it was a whiteout game. And I didn't know Rick Pitino was coaching, which was awesome.
I had good seats and I could hear him yelling. At one point, he's going, call the foul, call the foul.
And I got to yell at Pitino. You tell him, coach.
I was all excited. And it was a whiteout game, right? you got a free t-shirt and it was a rick patino in an all-white fucking suit and he came out in an all-white suit fucking rick patino looking like colonel sanders who just bought a fucking kilo of cocaine and came in from south beach looked like a fucking gangster it was great and uh it was a really good game um seton hall was playing great defense was really frustrating st john's in the first half and they couldn't get into a rhythm and uh and then my favorite thing ever there was a guy on seton Hall.
I swear to God, his first name was God's Will.

And I'm like, that's just like, that's some fucking old school, like, sports shit.

There was always these great fucking, back when it was, you know, the Big East was the Big East.

NFL football was, it was just sports fans, right?

And there was these crazy fucking coaches wearing sweaters.

The other guys munching on a fucking towel, you know?

Big fat guys that you just look like people

you didn't want to fucking run into.

Flat tops, lunatics.

Fucking lunatics screaming and yelling at refs

and all of that shit.

And they would have names like World Be Free.

They'd always be like somebody random

that would turn their name into something like that.

So God's Will, I love that name

because it reminded me of World Be Free.

And when we used to go out on the playground,

everybody had like their favorite play

and somebody always liked World Be Free.

And another one of my buddies,

I remember on the playground,

he would always do the sky hook.

He'd always do the sky hook.

And as he did it, like fucking, what's his face?

And along came Pauly.

Instead of yelling white chocolate,

he'd go, no, he would do it.

And then if it went in,

when he was going up the court,

he would go, Kareem, Abdul.

And then all his teammates would go java and it was weird i was like a 76ers fan i became one because i had this one shot i i was hitting that day and and we were i was playing with older kids oh my god i still remember this it was so much fun we were down it was a little fucking blacktop next to a fucking uh blacktop court right next to a uh you know a little little league baseball diamond and that's when like the infield was just fucking dirt you know wasn't like. It's some bullshit fence.
And then they all had, like, sort of trying to be like the green monster and left, just as their nod to Fenway. So the kid playing, this dude Mickey was his name.
And I remember he was an older kid. And every time he hit a shot, he would go, Dr.
J, J, J. So he kept feeding me outside and he hit a couple outside shots.
He started calling me Mo me mo cheeks and that's how i got into the dr jay daryl dawkins mo cheeks and all of those fucking guys andrew tony and uh i really got into them and then all of a sudden you know larry bird comes along and the celtics overnight are good like his second i don't want to say a second year in the league Magic won his first year uh Bird won his second year and 81 I want to say we were down that's when we were down three games to one and came back against the 76ers Billy Cunningham was the coach oh those were the fucking days oh those were the days those were the days. All right, I'm done babbling here.
Let's get on to the reads here. But anyways, I really enjoyed the game before I get into the reads.
And what I like about college sports is it reminds me, like, that hoop that I was watching, St. John's Seton Hall, looked like what the pro game kind of used to look like.
It wasn't everybody reigning. People still took threes, but it wasn't like crazy amount of threes.
They were working it into the big man. You know what I mean? It's definitely, you know, all the influencer and one and all that was definitely in there.
But it still looked enough like the old game. And there wasn't a bunch of people fucking.
There wasn't some DJ playing the entire time. So anyway, oh look who's here! My podcast the lovely Neil, like the old days! Like the old days! Yeah, I was telling him how excited I am to do this play, how much fun I've been having hanging out with you guys.
Yes. And unfortunately, you came in right during a dry time.

I have to do the reads, but then why don't you come in for the questions,

like the old days?

Okay, sure.

Did you buy a big fuzzy hat, big furry hat?

I did. I bought a big on-the-street furry hat.

It's cute, though, right?

I feel like I need to have some full-length fur and walk you down the street,

and we're going to go watch Walt Frazier play at the fucking garden.

Thank you. I feel like I need to have some full-length fur and walk you down the street.
We're going to go watch Walt Frazier play at the fucking garden. This feels very Jamiroquai.
Oh, there you go. That was a pretty good...
All right. All right.
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If it's pre-written, how is it personal? It's a fucking chain letter. But whatever, you're reaching out to them.
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You like that dramatic pause?

It was very good.

It did.

It drew you in.

Oh, look. Okay.
This is somebody sort of new to the podcast. It did.
It drew you in. Oh, look.

Okay.

This is somebody sort of new to the podcast.

Open phone.

Why do you say it like that?

I don't know.

It just seems like that's how you would deliver that line.

Open phone.

Like people, they don't know what they need or they're over in the corner

and then there's just some big gay guy in the corner going,

open phone.

What's wrong with these breeders?

Running a small business means you're wearing a lot of hats.

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Openphone.com slash burr. And if you have existing numbers with another service open phone we'll port them over at no extra charge open phone honey all right we're in nia we're into the the um the questions for the week so i was mentioning that through um being with you you know i've experienced different things like what going to museums yes lemon pepper wings yeezys uh but museums that was a long time ago those yeezys let's be very clear that was a long time ago before the current they haven't all right well he's mentally, he's a little imbalanced there.
All right. He doesn't have all his faculties like laminated face.
All right. Dear Billy Brushstroke Connoisseur, the artist you were talking about is Edward Hopper.
Oh. And the painting is Nighthawks.
I said Nighthawks. I at least knew that.
that if you really like his paintings or at least i did in the next episode if you really like his paintings i would also recommend george bellows known for his paintings of boxing matches john's my screen is cracked here why is my screen cracked because i Because I have emotional issues? I don't think so.

Did you throw your phone?

No, I used open phone.

Did you throw your phone recently?

First of all, if you don't drop that fucking mothering tone,

did you throw your phone recently?

What if I did?

Did you?

Is that what I said?

Doing David Mamet dialogue.

No, I...

What happened

was the case...

No, see, the case got worn out

and then I got a little crack in it.

Okay. And once I got the little crack

in it, it just kind of kept going and I drop

it all the fucking time. Not like it's hot.
I drop it like an idiot. Okay.
Sorry, I'm just trying to steer into the interracial moment here. Anyway, what are you getting at? What do you mean, what am I getting at? What did I say? Lemon pepper wings.
Oh, and museums. Oh, okay, okay.
Museums. That's me.
Lemon pepper wings and museums. That's the perfect date.
If you want to win her heart. Yeah, take me to a museum and then take me to get some lemon pepper wings.
Ooh. With the lemon pepper dry rub, but also wet sauce on the side so that you can drizzle it in the wet sauce.
Oh my God. There we go.
That's lemon pepper on top of lemon pepper.

You know what that is?

Yes.

That's the black version of the wet burrito,

which is the white version of Mexican cuisine.

That's like, can you make me a burrito

and then have some sort of small farm animal shit on top of it?

It's like sauce.

It's fucking gross.

No, it's not. It isn't.
It's like, it's fucking gross. No,

it's not.

It isn't.

It's a diarrhea wrap.

Dude,

a wet burrito is,

it's fucking disgusting.

Just the sound of it.

I'm not big on them.

I prefer a dry burrito.

Anyway,

so go on.

You're reading.

All right.

No,

so they're,

they're,

they're trying to help me out here. What I should look at.
John Singer Sargent. Oh, listen to these old school names.
Winslow Homer. Mother, I met a gentleman today who threw his pea coat over a puddle for me.
Whatever was his name? Winslow. Winslow Homer.
The National Gallery of Art has a couple paintings from each of these artists. I would recommend a visit next time you're in D.C.
Well, wouldn't that be great? I would love to go to the Pentagon City. Do you know what museum I went to when I was in D.C.? That was amazing.
Pentagram City. Isn't that city like made in the, when you watch those conspiracy people, when they look at the roads? I don't know, but I went to the African American Museum in D.C.
and it was amazing. I didn't know they had one of those.
You know what? They have a whole area dedicated to stand-up comedy. You just, you can't take anything serious.
No, because I want to make the joke you don't the african american don't don't oh i love espn zones i go there all the time mr white man we have accomplished things in other areas than fucking sports come on that was a good joke. All right.
Oh. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Why am I doing this? Because I see Four Nation Tournament and you're thinking Seven Nation Army. Yeah, whatever.
I'm gonna read about it. Reading fucking questions on my podcast.
Yeah. Oh, jack white he's a fucking shit there's a guy never never took a night off he's so never took a night off nice guy all right keep going i'll try this i did a i did a stop putting that in your mouth i did a that's what she said i i did a that's still funny to us all right we're an old married couple let us have our jokes I did a...
That's still funny to us, all right? We're an old married couple.

Let us have our jokes.

I did a show with him one time,

and just his sound check... His sound check was better than the last song...

I did a show with him.

You mean SNL?

Why do you always have to do that?

Why do you have to do that?

Because I find it so weird that you're like,

oh, I did a project with Kevin Costner one time. It's like, you mean a movie? Like, why can't you just say what it is? Because it's obnoxious.
Why? Because I grew up Catholic. Oh, that's right.
Because white people are like, oh, I didn't do that, you know. Black people are like, I did this thing.
No, but you have to do that because if you don't, we're going to take credit for it. But you can say when I did SNL.
I still think it's an overcorrection

that you guys are taking credit for mac and cheese.

It's just fucking, you put cheese

on pasta and then baked it in the oven.

Are you still doing that and you're still talking about

it on your podcast as if people don't leave me

comments about it? You better fucking

stop that shit. What? Stop it.

Cut it out.

Did you give them the context

of why that even came up? Because of what I did for our daughter school for Black History Month? No, you didn't. You're just like, my wife, blah, blah, blah.
That's not what I did. First of all.
My kids. Hey, what the fuck? I already know, okay? You're nonsense.
You don't even know the history behind it. You don't even know the story behind it, okay? You just went story behind it okay you just went for the joke and you just I didn't listen to an 8 minute story about a guy who came up came up with a side dish he came up with a fucking appetizer Jesus Christ it's the fucking edamame of pasta edamame of pasta you are so dumb like what a dumb comparison you fucking married me you really are dumb I'm not dumb I'm just being a dick You're a dumb dick I married you because you were dumb And easy to control Oh there you go That's what they want to hear that's all the racist idiots exactly that's what they're i know i've been waiting for i knew it and then they sent then you know there's actually people listen to this podcast they listen to this thing and then send racist shit to my wife i mean talk about like the most ballist sack of a fucking human being that you would fucking do that anonymously and then anytime you look at the accounts it's always like some anonymous fucking pussy they're just fucking they all they're just inherent racists are just inherently cowardly fucking people cowardly fucking people they just they are they they they're they're a part of society and god made them and that's why i don't believe in a loving god God.
Okay. I'm not listening as, oh, they're listening to the devil.
No, no. You didn't tighten the fucking screws down.
Okay. You didn't have the right fucking whatever tool that you needed.
You fucking jerry-rigged it and you went back to your fucking hammock. The fact that you compare God to like sort of an incompetent repairman is hilarious.
But it's true though.

He's traumatized.

Who is? God. That's why he's still creating.
He's still, the universe

is still expanding. That is

classic traumatized.

I don't want to turn around and look at the

fucking past. I just got to keep moving

forward. Hey, you

left something in your hotel room. I don't give a fuck.

Just get me to the airport. I'll buy something.
I'll buy another

one when I land. That's how he operates.

And he's going to judge me?

Hey, buddy, you made me.

Welcome to your mistake.

Yeah, okay. Great.

Anyway,

what about Jack White?

What about Bob? I'm trying to get back

on track here.

You're giving a

Matthew McConaughey and a

Thank you. Anyway, what about Jack White? What about Bob? I'm trying to get back on track here.
You're giving Matthew McConaughey and Wolf of Wall Street. Remember that part? What was that whole? Leonardo DiCaprio's character just sitting there like, what the fuck? Yeah.
That's what it looks like when you're doing two movies at the same time and one of them you had to lose 90 pounds for. Oh, right.
Yeah. He was doing the Dallas Buyers Club and then he came in and then he...
He's so skinny. Yeah, and then he had to do that.
That's true. Yes.
And I can't imagine what his work schedule was. Wow.
So he was doing that to keep his fucking energy up. To keep his heart beating.
Yeah, and I guess Martin Scorsese liked it and said, do that in the scene, and then you got that scene. Fucking movie magic right there.
All right. All right, Four Nations Tournament.
A Billy Bruins slappy. I love and look forward to the podcast every Monday and Thursday, but I think your assessment of the Four Nations face-off tournament is off base.
The tournament was one of the smartest things the NHL has done in years. Look, I'm not saying a bunch of people didn't watch it.
I'm saying it's fucked up that it was playing as a one elimination tournament, but you could still play your way in and then have the same record as the person you beat in the final. And then you're the champion, but they lose.
I just thought that was weird. Anyway, I was a massive fan of the Red Wing teams that dominated in the 90s and early 2000, but started to fall out of love with the sport after the NHL canceled two seasons within the span of a decade.
Yeah, that was really bad for the league. This tournament, I was going to say you stopped watching because your team stopped winning, but that's not true because you won another one.
I want to say 08, played the Penguins, and then the next year, 09, you won it? That's right, right, Nia? No, Penguins won it the next year. All right, plowing ahead.
NHL canceled two seasons within the span of a decade. This tournament went a long way in reigniting my interest in hockey.
All right. I'm really just talking that Canada gets to walk around and say we're the champions when they went one and one against the team that they beat, meaning my country.
It consisted of four teams, United States, Canada, Finland and Sweden. And it sucks that Russia couldn't feel the team due to Putin being a cunt.
The four teams played each other in a round robin format where each team played each other once. Teams were awarded three points for a regulation win, two points for an overtime.
One point, no point. I know.
Okay. At the end of the round-robin portion of the tournament, a single-game winner takes all final was played between the two teams with the most points, which happened to be the United States and Canada.
Yeah, it's a stupid, stupid. However you do those numbers, what's stupid is we beat Canada and then had to play them again.
You weren't going to beat that team twice, any more than they were going to beat us twice. But because they won the second game, they're the champions and we're the runners up.
It's stupid. And it's classic NHL hockey because nothing they do makes fucking sense.
Nothing they've ever done has fucking made sense. There's always something weird about it.
And no one ever can quite get their head around the fucking sport. And then you do shit like this.
I don't know any other fucking like if you watch March Madness. it's not like you beat a team in the final four and then you do shit like this.
I don't know any other fucking, like, if you watch March Madness, it's not like you beat a team in the final four and then they get to play another game and then somehow make it to the championship game and then you got to fucking beat them again. But if you lose to them, that they're then the champion.
It's either one and done and you're fucking out or not. That whole point system and all that, I think it's bullshit.
It's fucking bullshit. It just, it just, it's, it's, it, I just don't agree with it.
That's all. I understand.
I'm glad it got you back into it. Anyway, the hype surrounding the final was unlike anything I've seen in the years, in years, and was watched by 9.3 million people in the U.S., making it the fourth highest rated NHL telecast of all time.
Listen, I'm not arguing whether it was a lot of ratings getter. I'm just saying it's bullshit.
Of course, it almost it's almost impossible to be Canada twice. Yeah.
Hence the point system. But the game did go into OT and lived up to the hype, in my opinion.
I'm looking forward to the NHL putting on this tournament in the future, especially when you compare it to the watered-down nonsense the other three major sports leagues give us when it comes to their respective All-Star games. I think even the most casual fan would agree with me.
Well, at the end of the day, that's just your opinion. And if you had a stronger opinion, you wouldn't have to drag in these invisible people who don't get a chance to weigh in and then say that they would agree with you.
Thanks for all the laughs. Go wings and go puck yourself.
All right. I'm glad it got you back into hockey.
But I'm just saying, like, you know, Canada has always dominated hockey. And when we fucking beat them, it's a big fucking deal.

And to have this fucking, you know, T-ball do-over bullshit that they get and then they have the same record as us and then they're the fucking winners and we're the runners up is bullshit.

I'm just saying it's bullshit.

And Canada right now should be chanting, we're one and one.

We're one and one.

That's my point.

I stick by it.

I'm not saying it wasn't successful.

I'm not sure it wasn't successful, but either have it be a sudden death elimination or have the final be best two out of three. One team has to win more games than the other fucking team if you're the champion.
Or you just do, you know, you lose, you're out.

Like March Madness.

We have a point system.

If you win a regulation,

you get three points.

If you win a regulation,

you get two points.

If you fucking,

you have black tape

instead of white tape on your stick,

you get one point.

Last week's guy with busted bumper.

Oh my God,

my wife fell asleep during the podcast. You literally fell asleep.
Hi, I'm here. No, no, no.
Look what happened. I started talking sports and you went sleepy time.
I'm going to try that the next time you ask me to do some shit I don't want to do. I'm just going to explain that fucking hockey tournament.
All right. Last week's guy with busted bumper.
Dear Billy billionaire ball buster. You should all be doing it because those fucking assholes are not Republicans or Democrats.
They own both fucking parties. What do you fucking Call me.
A few episodes ago, you read a letter from a guy in a Subaru

whose car was bumped into in a parking lot

resulting in a silver dollar size crack in his bumper.

The dude said he was willing to take care of things outside of insurance

and you told him it was a bad idea, you should always call your insurance

No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I meant.
I meant when that guy was being all shifty and shady. That's what I meant.
I didn't, as usual, what I was saying, what I was thinking and what I was saying are two things. No.
But this is going to bring... It happens to you a lot.
Yes. Thank you.
Are you awake now? You're awake now to criticize me? Fantastic. What I don't understand about insurance is if it isn't my fault and I put in the claim, my insurance still goes up.
So I find every time there's something wrong with my car, I just pay to fix it anyway. So why do I have insurance? All right.
Aren't these the same parasitic insurance companies that that leech off the working class and make billions? Yes. All of these toxic insurance companies spend tens of millions of dollars just on Super Bowl ads alone.
Fuck those rich assholes. I'm with you.
I was 100% sure you were first, when you first started reading it, that you were going to tell the guy to go fuck himself. It's a tiny little crack in the bump.
No, because he didn't do it. Somebody bumped into him of the car.
You know, the part of the car that's built to absorb damage like this. Wait a minute.
Are you the guy who ran into the Subaru? You really seem to be blaming the victim here. So I was pretty shocked when you went right to shilling for insurance.
I wasn't shilling for insurance. He didn't do anything.
And what I was saying was once that guy acted shady. that if I remember correctly the person was like hey let's not run it through the insurance companies and the guy was like okay cool it was just the way he wrote it I sensed the other guy wasn't going to be an honest guy and he was going to get away from it and I wasn't sure if any sort of there's some sort of time limit to make the claim I didn didn't know how that worked.
I don't, because I don't understand that aspect. That's what I was saying.
I was certainly not shilling for insurance companies. All right.
So I don't know. So you're upset with me for being confusing.
I wasn't shilling for them. All right.
Let's be honest. Most people who want to work around insurance are only doing it so they can pocket some extra cash or maybe keep the cash and not get the repair done, which has been my experience.
So I guess if this guy has such a hard-on for the bumper of his suit, I don't know why you're blaming the guy that got rear-ended. Then, yeah, take it to the parasitic insurance company, pay your deductible, and move on with your life.
Oh, is that what you have a problem with? Sir, I feel like you rear-ended somebody that ran it through their insurance company, and because you were staring at your phone, you're not trying to make me out to be some shill for fucking insurance companies. You know what? You know what the problem is? You and I don't communicate well because I don't quite understand what you're saying either.
Or better yet, this person goes on to say, have some grace and empathy for the other working dude, folks. Parentheses, like it sucks the guy didn't have $1,500, but who knows what kind of shit they're going through.
Just cool it about your stupid bumper that someone is charging way too much to fix. Yeah, this is like a new thing where people just sort of like, you know, you're blaming the person who didn't do anything.
They were sitting there by themselves and the other person, how about this? How about don't rear end somebody? If we're going to do that. How about don't run into the back of my fucking car? How about pay attention? How hard is it in broad daylight to not drive into the fucking bumper of the guy in front of you? I can tell you this.
In my... How fucking old am I? 50s? My 42 years of driving, I've never rear-ended somebody.
The only thing I ever did is way back in the 90s, I was driving a stick and I pushed in, I had the clutch in and I took my foot up to brake and I wasn't paying attention and I rolled half a mile an hour into the front bumper of the guy behind me and I still remember his face and then he fucking beeped at me. I still do remember that.
Okay, and I can tell you this, if he wanted to pull over, I would have paid for whatever I did to his bumper. I mean, I was going like, I mean, it was literally like I took my foot off the brake thousand one thousand two thing.
And I fucking bumped into him. But if he wanted to pay it, I wouldn't be mad at him.
I wouldn't be like, Hey, I mean, that's what bumpers are for. I wouldn't say that.
I would be like, sorry, I fucked up. Anyway, anyway, plowing ahead.
I don't know. This is this reads like you just fucking ran into somebody.
This person. Anyway, love you.
Love the show. Me and you and the wife just booked our trip from Detroit to see Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross.
I just hope I can see good enough without the spotlight bouncing off

your shiny bald ginger head,

blinding me.

Go fuck yourself, you cunt.

All right.

I think if you and I were actually sitting down,

we would actually agree with each other.

I just don't think we communicate well,

you know, podcast and then email.

It's just not working out.

Anyway, models.

Oh, yeah.

Somebody bought me a model.

Did I tell you that, Nia?

Hmm?

Todd Packer bought me a car model.

A car model?

Like you get it like Hobby Town back in the day?

Like a toy?

Is that what you mean?

Is that what you mean? Is that what you mean?

What?

I guess I do.

More like old man, like building a ship in a bottle.

Oh, yeah.

That type of stuff.

Why are you being...

Oh, because I just didn't think that this podcast involved me anymore.

Oh, all right.

Okay, sorry.

Well, you haven't been chiming in.

What am I going to chime in on?

You and some guys.

No fucking insurance?

No, I'm good.

Ow!

That was an empty cell phone case.

Right on my butt cheeks. Right on the butt cheeks.

Models.

Dear Bill, the model... Um, that was an empty cell phone case, right on the butt cheeks, right on the butt cheeks.

Models.

Dear Bill, the modeler, Burr.

Long time listener from Greece.

All caps.

I fucking knew it.

Every time I hear you talking about muscle cars, et cetera, I always thought that you would be into building scale models.

I myself used to build them as a kid.

But as a child, I did not have the patience to make them look good.

But this is... I always thought that you would be into building scale models.
I myself used to build them as a kid, but as a child, I did not have the patience to make them look good. This is exactly like me.
Fast forward to 2021. During COVID, I reentered the hobby by building a tiny Spitfire.
That's so cool. I actually think it's really cool.
That was it. I was hooked.
Since then, I've built more than 50 models, mainly World War II airplanes. You know what it is, Nia? It's good, clean, fun.

And you're not on your phone. You know, you're kind of at peace.
I'm saying it's... Are you? Do you do that, though? Do you play with it?

Do you play with... No, it's not like...
No, no.

What do you do with it?

You build it.

Oh, okay. You fucking build it build it men come you're absolutely right look look look look look when they build your fucking business you can't turn around and sorry work for you yep sorry she's been running lines with me um no it's a uh it's this supercar nerd thing that you do, but it's solitary, it's peaceful.

It's like smoking a cigar, but you can't get cancer.

Cigar?

Let's kick cigar.

Yeah, I know.

It's from all those years of smoking.

Yeah, so I just feel like, my buddy got it for me because I'm fucking alone in New York. If you had a heart underneath your fuzzy fucking Jumericoy hat.
At first I had to... At first I...
You know what it is? I'm excited to build it and you're already making me feel stupid. Are you going to play with it? Are you going to put a little hat with a propeller on it? You fucking little douche.
I think that. I would never say that.
How much fun have we had hanging out though we've had so much fun we have all right yeah all right just want to say that for sure and then like the racists are going to be like she made him say that yeah i made him say everything you yeah you did you write you write my jokes you write my jokes i i i am i have no fucking say in this relationship. Your career is at its lowest.
Yep. I used to be funny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's funny because you've fallen off.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all these big, bold people, none of them.
None of them. You don't know their name.
You don't see their faces. They're all fucking pussies.
At first, I used a brush to paint them, but after a couple of models, I purchased an airbrush. Oh, you got into it.
And the results were so much better. Don't be discouraged if your first model is not great looking.
There's a pretty big learning curve that will challenge your patience and anger issues. Yeah.
Once you get the hang of it, assuming you stay with the hobby,

you will be surprised of how fast you can improve. I'm currently building a 70s Plymouth Hemi Cuda while listening to your podcast.
That's so fucking cool. It's the best way to isolate myself from everything else and have a good time.
Yeah, and you're not doing any damage to your body. Some quick tips.
The difficult part about car models is achieving a nice, glossy, spotless finish. At first, I would recommend using spray cans for painting and varnishing the body.
Wow, dude, now I got to get a fucking mask. I'm in a New York apartment here and a paintbrush for the interior.
Always use a primer and have a pretty big Tupperware in order to store the model while the paint dries to keep it dust free. See, now this is just getting intimidating to me.
I'm just I don't want to do all of this. There is so much info I want to share, but it cannot be contained in a single email.
There are a lot of great YouTubers and communities on Reddit, model makers that can provide answers to all your questions. Here's a couple of my latest models, a Ducati 916.
Oh, I saw that, the motorcycle and a 69 Camaro SS. You know what I liked about the Camaro is the way you painted it.
It looked like it had already been purchased and driven around. And I mean that in a good way.
I'm not saying you did a bad job painting it, but it looked really cool. Thank you for your comedy and your podcast.
I wish you the best. You and your family take care and go glue yourself.
Here's the thing. um i i what i really want to do next after i build this car is there was this guy that made these fucking engines you can literally build an engine it's like a one-eighth scale whatever the fuck it is you can literally build an engine and i've always been too fucking intimidated you know i've dealt with the outskirts of the engine i've never even attempted to take off the valve covers and get in there you know and um to do like to just build one to scale to just increase that knowledge and you can literally put fuel in them start them up there's cooling it's like a fucking engine like this guy used to get a fire at his factory and it killed his business, but you could literally buy like a flathead V8.
And it was funny. It sounded like a flathead V8 with a little bit of helium in it, you know? And it was just so fucking cool.
I would love to do that. If anybody knows, you know, the person that's making the best one of those.
Because I've seen a few on, like, Instagram.

And it's like the engines, you know, that literally run.

It's like 36 bucks.

I'm like, that must be all plastic.

I want, like, a metal, like, you could put this thing in something

and you could drive around, like a real fucking engine, just super small.

I would love to find something like that if you guys could recommend it.

All right, that's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves.

And I will talk to you on Thursday.