Nate Craig | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-18-25

All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in on you. It's being filmed.

So you know we have a guest.

All right. A White House approved guest.

Is he running the country or is he running a TV network?

Who do you think should come on after ALF, Mr. President?

Anyways, this guy, one of my favorite comedians, has a new stand-up special out that you can see on YouTube or on Patreon. Patreon? Yeah.
Patreon.

Patreon. Please welcome Nate Craig, everybody.
FCC-mandated free independent comedy special. Married to it.
Oh, well, there you go. Married to it.
I actually did my homework. Thank you, buddy.

I watched the whole special. I pointed at a camera so you know I'm telling the truth.
You texted me about details of the special. I was honored that you watched it.
Thank you, buddy.

Yeah, no, you killed it. You were looking shop.
Yeah, yeah. You went to men's warehouse, you said.
You got yourself a little.

No, no, I went downtown to the uh, you ever go downtown to the uh the district for shopping?

I don't know. They go downtown to buy a suit.
They go, they got they got you, they got what you need, they got more than you need. Oh, they do.
That's fantastic.

I was gonna say, it looked better than a men's warehouse.

It was a much nicer get-up, uh, but uh, did they say it's it's a might and much nicer get-up? I guarantee it.

They said finest. It's better than men's warehouse.
Finest.

I guarantee it. Only the finest here, friend.
My friend. Only the finest here.
That's some 80s humor right there. Women, they shop at a department store.
We're shopping at a warehouse.

What is the deal? What is the deal with that?

Where's the ladies' warehouse?

I want a warehouse for the ladies.

Ladies, you deserve a warehouse, too.

Sorry, I interrupted. Is the ladies' warehouse a whorehouse? What?

Can men shop at the ladies' warehouse? Beltowal vaginas.

Can I wear what they sell at the ladies' warehouse?

Anyway, what was I going to say? You're a degenerate football gambler like me.

I don't.

I've learned enough. I've learned enough to not gamble on

my inclinations. I haven't won a game yet this year.
I'm 0-7-1. I am in my 83.

My big pick'em where I can win the most money.

So, yes, I do gamble. 5-11.
I'm 5-11.

Those are my best picks. I know, but it's an insane year.
It's insane. That guy from the Monkeys, Davey Jones, who was with the Giants.
What's he doing?

They fuck sent him to the Colts and he can't miss. Oh, yeah, Danny Jones.

Those wheels will fall off. Although, they just got the best offensive.
They've had the best offensive line in football for five years. Well, maybe that's all he needed.
A line.

Instead of running for his fucking life out there in the Meadowlands.

I'm I'm not betting anything. Jimmy Hoffa yelling up from under this.
What's all that noise up there? Hey, hey, we're the Indianapolis Colts. I'm not betting any fucking money on the Colts.
No shot.

I took them this week. Against the Broncos? No.
Who are they playing? Are they playing the Broncos? Oh, you're taking them this week. I took them this week.
Okay, okay.

I haven't looked yet. This is all.

I got the kid, me and the wife, we battled Norovirus last weekend. I took the Jets last week against the Bills.
Now this week, I go, fuck it. I'll take the Bills.
Laying 11.5 Thursday night.

I'm sliding in the weekend already before the game even starts. I'm down 11.5.

I like it. You know? Tonight.
You're talking about tonight. I am talking about tonight.
What are you talking about? I thought you said Jetson spoke. Oh, but when this comes out, it'll be tomorrow.

No, I said last week I had the Jets when they played the Bills. So now I'm taking the fucking Bills.
I know what happens. It's like I bet the Pats the first week, and then I'm going to go, okay.

You know, so fuck it. The Dolphins own us.
I'll take the Dolphins.

It's a pendulum, and it just swings a half a point to this side of the point spread to a half a point to this side of the point spread. It's just like.
They got you tonight. That's a dolphin block.

It's like the Truman show. Yeah.

It's like they know

they're watching me. Watching you fill out your card.
Yeah.

They're playing with me.

They usually give me hope. I'm usually Billy, win some, lose some.
I go two and two. I bet four games.
I usually go two and two. And this year, I'm just, you know, I got a standing eight count

fucking two weeks in. Billy Red Inc.
Betty.

Billy Deadmoney. I am on the hot seat.
Billy Dead Money. What do you got going on, man?

You out on the road these days? Are you building up the new hour? Let's talk about the new hour.

You went to

shot it? Well, next week I'm in Minneapolis at Acme, one of the best clubs anywhere.

And then I never got past there. You never got past there.
It wasn't good enough. I went there in person and on fiction.
I know that. And they said, let me tell you something, you balding redhead.
No.

You can take you, whatever the fuck that was. No, no, no.
And you can go over to to St. Paul with that shit.

We're at Twin Cities for a reason. So when guys like you come to town,

we send you on the other side of the river. Go see Paul.
This was back when they were still playing in the Hubert Humphrey Homer Dome. Oh, the was that right? Randy Moss was still playing?

Oh, before it puked on its own shoes. Although, when I went to the game.
Remember when it caved in and puked on its own shoes? That was fun. That was a great day for Packer fans.
Oh, it had the class.

I want to go to the collapsed lung stadiums.

I like the new place. The new place looks good on TV, I'm not going to lie.
It's a mega church, but it does.

The boy choir with the light

from the outside comes in and hits the field. I fuck.
They did a nice job.

They can take all of those fucking stadiums. Domes? You can take all of those fucking stadiums, all in the new stadiums.
Tell me what you can do with them.

And that fucking the DJ and the guy who goes,

you can take all of them. Oh, you went to a Raiders game.
No, the fucking Rams game. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, like, you don't even have to cheer.

They're pumping in crowd noise, and it's just like, it's like at like, if ACDC played a ballad, like, it's at that level of volume. They're going to give everybody tinnitus.

Like, the thing about it, everybody's just like comatose, watching the screens. It's a lot.
I mean, they're just so big. The places are huge.

My favorite part of the Rams game that I went to was they had this male cheerleader out there, and it was like his dream. I have never seen a happier human being.
It was contagious.

We were all laughing, but with him, Yeah. He was just fucking.
People lost their mind. The Vikings did that, too.
They got a male cheerleader. He's out there.
He's putting mustard on. Oh, my God.

It's good. It's fucking.
It's great. It lives somewhere between hope and the three stooges.

It was just. It was awesome.
It made you feel good, but you were also laughing at it, but you were with him. See?

This is what therapy is doing for you, buddy. This is what therapy is doing for you.
You see the one male cheerleader at the ranch. That That was the only thing I knew.

I like this guy. I want to have an espresso with this guy.
He came running out.

He was running sideways doing like this.

He could not have been happier doing it. Oh, my darling.
And I was with another buddy of mine. And we didn't even say anything.
We just started laughing. And then it would end.

We were just like, dude, that was fucking awesome. No shirt, tuxedo jacket.
No, no. Just like, I mean, dude, top hat, cane.

Just destined to be underpaid on Broadway

while still crushing it. Oh, man.

Anyway,

yeah, no, these new fucking stadiums, like just everything, it's just so fucking loud. Yeah, it's a lot.
It's a lot.

I don't mind if the crowd's making that noise, but why do I have to listen to somebody? You have a microphone. You don't have to scream into it.
I know what a first down is.

They have like 40 screens telling me, I know that they just got a first down.

Even if I didn't, the wide receiver stands up after, he helps me out.

He fucking goes like that.

You can't escape and then just in case is it for the for the blind do they have a blind section there they just got a section they just got the 70 through the 85th thousand attendees

they got to blast you all the way up to all the way down to the field they're getting everybody's got a their own speaker everybody's got their own well i know they always say the chiefs and the seahawks are the loudest fans but i would say the loudest pa system i've ever been around was the arizona cardinals oh i'm going packers play there next month I would bring like those fucking things like you're going to the gun range.

I talked to a security guard there. I had earplugs in.
I said, dude, you better wear some earplugs. Are you going to get tinnitus? He said, I already have it.
Oh, wow.

Should I hire a going to football game? A big man to carry me like an infant baby with my.

Have you ever done the awful weekend with the loud middle who has like the microphone in his mouth? Ugh. It's like that, and the act doesn't end.
It's a three-hour act.

The loud middle.

That's funny.

I think that's kind of dead.

Like that trick. What trick?

The talking to the, you know, like make the, you know, make people laugh because you get this much louder. No, I mean screaming.

I'm talking about screaming. Like like you're in nine-inch nails in 1991, and you're telling me how many yards were just gained on that play.
It's not necessary. I showed up.
I am a fan of football.

I'm a fan of a lot of things. I like to cook.
I don't want somebody to scream the recipe at me through a fucking jumbotron. I agree with you 100%.

I don't need...

And that's another quarter cup of flour!

It's like, I realize that.

I read it and I put it in the bowl.

Now

I kind of want somebody

to

read you a cookbook while you cook. I'd like to watch that, actually.

Yeah. Some lady screaming at you while you're trying to make a souffle.

Why a souffle?

Because it's difficult. I think I made the right choice and I don't need your skepticism.
I don't even know what a souffle is. A souffle is the one.

I thought you were kind of challenging my manhood when you said that. With the A.
It was the A part, not the Sous.

Soux is a chick name.

This strikes me as a regression, Bill.

The sous part, the chick name of that, I was all right with.

Souff.

When you get to the flet. Flet.
It started with an F.

You speak French? Huh? You speak French?

I was trying to put it in your wheelhead. What is a souffle? It's like a...
It's a dessert.

I don't even know.

I think it's like a.

You're using words that you don't know. An egg bake.

Craig, everybody, has a new special. He uses words he doesn't know

because they sound vaguely French.

Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen, he reacts negatively to just the mention of a word he doesn't recognize. It's all an attack on him.

Have you or have you not gotten to know this man? Listening to his podcast for well over a decade, most of you. Oh, that might have been the truest thing ever said.

Not by my wife on this podcast. She knows me.
She lives with me, man. She's in the locker room.

She knows what's happening. But you, on the other hand, I've regressed because I'm sitting down.
I'm slouching again. But listen, I'm more refined.

I'm a more refined Bill Burr since the last time he came on this podcast.

I feel the same way. I've been watching you.
I've been watching your refinition.

What's my

word? That's a made-up word. I made that up.
That one is made up fair and square. I like that one.

I've been watching watching your refinery. My refinery.
But there's no, that's not.

Refineries of

refineries.

Speaking of refineries, in the valley, there's some sort of refinery, and they built this big apartment complex like up the street from it. And when the wind blows, you smell all this.

Yeah. They're trying to sell them, and everybody's calling them the apartments.

Yeah,

that's a hard pass. Dude, like, if they ever did

keep those rentals. No, but if they ever did like the real estate version of the office, like that is an episode that they have to sell these things that people are calling the apartments.

You don't see that? Steve Corell acting like he doesn't smell it? I do. And all the employees have to live there for their like their temporary assignments.
I know.

That really was such a unbelievable. This office is great.
How come nobody stays here?

It's a very low-key,

unbelievably sad, soul-crushing show

if you watch it on a certain level. If you just sit there for the jokes, it's hilarious.
But underneath all of it, those people got to go home.

It's just like nobody there is following a dream. Yeah.

It's a dreamless office. Yeah.

Well, that's what I got out of it.

Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen, not afraid to.

And then I'm supposed to emotionally get excited that this man who lost his dream is now attracted to a woman who also has lost their dream.

And they're going to have a child and not know how to tell it how to get out of this.

And that's going to be that kid's life work to not end up like mom and dad who work at this paper company.

I really wish I knew the theme song because I would have hummed it right then. But I just don't know how it goes.

It's a piano, isn't it?

I like when they do the exteriors and they're clearly in LA and they try to act like they're in Pennsylvania. I never seen it.
The Scranton exteriors? I've never seen it. Those aren't L.A.

I'll tell you what's great is the palm tree in Scranton is always my favorite.

Talk about the Mojave dirt. Talk about somebody that quit.

The palm tree. What are you doing? I would say the B team.
The B team shooting on that thing. You're not meant to be here, Palm Tree.

I don't know. I met a girl in college.

Her family was here. I quit the band, man.
I thought I found love. I had a spot in Malibu, man.
I just met somebody that just randomly moved out to Pennsylvania, and they said that they love it.

But you got it.

You're in Pennsylvania. Exactly.

Pennsylvania is one of the most surprisingly gigantic fucking states. Oh, it's massive.
Yep.

New York's another one where everybody, you know, they're so busy trying to be down there near Bobby Flay to try out his burger that they have it. It's all about Manhattan and the boroughs.

But you get on that 87 north.

And I'm going to tell you right now, that's a stretch of road. That's a stretch of road, man.
I'm going to tell you that's a stretch of fucking road.

You know, it takes a day and a half to get across Texas, man.

i'm gonna tell you right now i'll tell you right now new york i lost half my mind going to albany and the other half making a left out to buffalo new york city city to syracuse man but but it's it's it's weird how you go to vermont and you're looking like this is god's country i think because it's it's it's a state that's a size that you can mentally deal with

That's for me anyway. Like, I need to know that I can get the fuck out of here.
And what I love about Vermont is if you go left, right, or down, you're out of that fucking place. That's South.

You go up, you're fucked.

Up, you're in Canada, right? Oh, yeah, you goddamn right there. You goddamn right.

And I'll tell you, you try to cross the border by yourself, they're tearing apart your car. You straight out

of your fucking car, because sadness is not an excuse

at the Canadian border. They're throwing salt at your gears.
I told you that time I crossed the border by myself to go to an Expos game. I was doing some fucking gig up there.

And I crossed the border by myself to go to an Expos game, and they had maybe won 30 games that year. And they just did did not believe me.
And they just started tearing, and I didn't understand it.

And then they, because I didn't understand how pathetic I was until like a half hour and then they were like, this guy's got

bumpers full of cocaine.

No, and then I realized it, and I just started laughing. And I came back to the car and had this big, shitty grin

on my face. Like, and I'm also so happy that I went.
I am going to the Expos game. I also have bumpers full of cocaine.
I am also selling the cocaine to the Expos. No, to buy the Expos.

if i was gonna buy like a real baseball team i would have to have two bumpers but to buy the expos with the dollar exchange i just need one you're good do you know there's the uh in keith richards book i'm a big reader the

the keith richards autobiography he talked about in like the late 60s they wanted to see some of america when they were on tour so they just bought an impala I think it was white too, which is, you know, the late 60s Impalas are fucking gorgeous.

And they had drugs on on them, and they didn't want to get caught, so they took off the door panel, and they put it behind there. This is before drug-sniffing dogs.

Like, dogs were really dumb back then. You know what I mean?

They weren't allowed to reach their potential. So all they did was bite people that wanted equal rights, but they weren't able to

smell drugs.

So they put it in there, and they were just such drug addicts, they forgot. that it was in there and they either sold the car or abandoned it or whatever.

And Keith was saying, every once in a while, he thinks about that and wondering if it's still on the road and if somebody realizes there's a copious amount of smack or cocaine or something in the panel.

It's in there.

They bought new drugs. They replaced the drugs.
Yeah.

This was in the 60s. So they were huge already.
They just wanted a drug. It was whatever it was.
If it was the 60s, it was probably pure, right? This is before the man got involved in selling drugs.

You know, this is when it was natural. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah.
When I used to buy cocaine, it was literally the leaf. Wow.
Yeah. It was like churning butter, but cocaine.
Bill, I never talked to you about your cocaine days.

That's why my nose is so small and cute. Wow.
You had certain things. No, I just blew out all the cililinil.
You paved it in?

I blew out all the cartilage. I used to have a big Roman nose.
People never saw that part. Wow.
Well, therapy will help you with that.

No, but you know what? Therapy is just like comedians. I mean, comedy is great if you have a good comedian like yourself with a brand new special.
Yep, married to it.

MGM Grand live on Patreon and YouTube. That's right, Bill.
That's a good point. See, there you go.
Dressed in the nines. I guarantee it.
Right?

But like, if therapy's this, but if it's a bad comedian, that's the longest fucking hour you ever get. You got an open mic therapist?

You got a, you ever, you ever get to it? You know what? You ever see a comic that like used to be funny? Oh, yeah. Used to be funny.
That's a wild scenario. Yeah, and they got bitter and all of that.

Well, that happens with therapists. They can't listen to, I got diddled by my mailman again.
again. And they just, oh, God, not this occupation again.

And they just get bored and they try to fast forward

the solutions that they found with other ones. And then it's just like that.
Like that's the thing. They leave out steps.
They leave out steps for people like you.

Yeah, you get that therapist that closes doing 43 minutes. Doesn't do the quite 45.
Oh, buddy. Doesn't want to deal with the check spot.
You can have those types of therapists. So you got to watch it.

Wow. I haven't even thought about that.
You know, I've never gone to therapy.

That's pretty good, man. That's not true.
I did. My mom thought I had a drinking problem when I was in high school, so she sent me to see somebody.
But I have

not that I

was she right?

Yes.

Yes.

We all did. It was, that was, we drank.
Kids don't drink anymore. That's one thing I was, I was.
Wait a minute, let's go back to you.

Like, what was your excuse? Like, mom, we're in Wisconsin.

What am I supposed to do? I think that probably was my excuse then. Go see a major rock act.
They don't come out here. We also did that.
Oh,

did Summerfest?

Summer Fest.

They tried to get it all out of the way. They put 12 bands on it once.
I saw Errol Smith at Summerfest. I saw Pearl Jam.
Let me say, I mean, you two. Minnie Pearl, they were all on the same show.

I saw Pink Floyd. They came a bit.

Let's get Wisconsin out of the way.

Yeah, no, why? I don't know. We just drag.
I mean, it was a boozy town. It was just half the economy of Madison and Milwaukee is all bars.

Massachusetts was like that. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
But, I mean, what, you know.

I went to some place the other day. It was just something you could do that was breaking the rules, but also like

not like kind of like dumb. Like, you know, like, some people like stealing shit.
Some people like fighting. But drinking is like...
You know, you can do it all.

You know, it's like you can do it all together

and, you know, you take a keg out to the woods. We did that all the time.
That's all we did. So you were drinking like too many nights a week? Yeah, by the, yeah.
Or just like a lot, a lot. Yeah.

We had, you know, a couple of friends. Parents were negligent and we would just go over to their house and just drink all the time.
Yeah.

Oh, they were all right with you drinking as long as they knew where you were?

No, she wasn't okay with us, me drinking, but like, and the parents just didn't know, and we were just, we were just, we just would drink all the time.

It was just like, and, you know, we were learning how to drink, so it was just ugly.

You're a kid, you drink 14 beers before you know that you can only drink 10. Or if you're going to drink 14, like how long you should stretch that out.
You don't know that yet.

I mean, I had a couple buddies who drink a case of beer in a night. We were high school children.

We had one kid who could do that. That was literally his claim to fame.
We could drink a case in a night. That's my husband.
He had case. And the old box.
He had groupies. He had groupies.
Groupies?

What would they do? Sit on his box? No, like hype men. They would walk around, go like, he can drink a case.
He's on 15 right now. Look at him.
I've seen him do it. He could do the ABC's backwards.

I've seen him do it. I've seen him do it.
And you know what the best part was, aside from the fact he was a great guy, he was fucking thin as a rail. Dude, that's my buddy Chad.

You didn't even know where it went. My buddy Chad.
It's like those guys that win Nathan's hot dogs every year. It's always like some guy that weighs like 130 pounds.
How are you processing this? Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep. That was it.
And we used to have the old. Did you have these? The like those old, they were cardboard, but it was like

finished cardboard or something. It was like those old fold-open cases.

Oh, finished. I thought you said finish.
No, no, you ported your body.

I don't know what I'm only saying that because I don't know what they were, but like the hard cardboard where you would open the box of beer and there'd be 12 here and 12 here.

That was like the old school case. You could like build furniture out of them.
That was like all my friends' entertainment centers. Well, I know.

Ours came on like you could get the TV tray one that had the six packs. You could just bring those up if they didn't have a case.
Ours was like a suitcase, like an attache case.

And you'd come walking up swinging those fucking things. Oh, thanks for coming, Doctor.
Yeah, and then you'd you'd fucking

set it down and hope you didn't get carted. It's what we would call it, carded.
New York, they called it proofed.

What'd you guys call it? When they asked for your ID. Carded.
Carded, yeah. I had a fake ID.

All you had to do was

somebody had to do it for you. There was somebody who could do it for you.
That was like fucking breaking bad. Like there was some legend that could exacto knife the numbers and flip them around.

That was the greatest. Yeah, yeah.

Stick it in your mom's typewriter.

It totally didn't even match the colors. It didn't even match.
It was like a ransom note. Oh, yeah.

Give me this ace of beer. You know what I used to do? Kids don't come home.
When I got close to 21, I just started handing them my real ID because they, a lot of times.

Yeah, they just look and then they'd hand, yeah. No, because they're not looking at the date because they know it's going to say you're 21.
They're looking for other shit to see if it's fucking real.

So I would get in, not a lot, but a couple times I got in. And I had one time, the guy,

it doesn't even say you're 20. Get the fuck out of here.
He was mad. He got mad.
And I laughed. You asked me for my ID.
I gave it to you. So I can't come in.

And he goes, I know what the fuck you're doing. Get out of here.
So I can't come in. Yeah.

All righty, everybody.

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Yeah, those were the good old days. I definitely had a drinking problem.
Like three times in my life. Yeah.

For like nine-year periods. Late teens, late teens, late 20s.
Now.

No, I'm good. I would say late teens and early 20s.

mid-30s and my 40s.

And just

Well, each time it was longer. And then I was just like, all right, I got to.
That's when I met you in your early 40s, I think. Oh, yeah.
That's when we started.

We had a couple go around.

There was one time you told the casino, we were up in Canada, you told the casino to keep, to open the bar back open for us so that you and me could sit at the bar and drink a fucking bottle of Johnny Walker Blue.

Do you remember that? No. That was good.
Well, right.

All I remember is that I was like, there's nobody else in here. This lady, she just sat there and just like

poured whiskey for us. It was great.

Edmund.

Some like cussing. Oh, I know what I mean.
Oh, okay. Yeah.

It was way back.

It was the trip we drove.

Oh, I had some bad ones in Canada. Oh, I mean, what else are you going to do? I didn't actually, I just went to Winnipeg.
Dude, I had one one time. Rumors, great club.

One time we stayed out

until forever, right? And the next morning, I had to fucking return this rental car, and I was still fucking hammered because I went went to bed like two hours before

and i get up and it's of course it's like fucking zero visibility fog it snowed out and i can't get reception we're like three hours north of fucking toronto so i'm trying to remember how i get to get back to the airport and i can't and i can't oh man and i'm driving i'm gonna get busted for drinking and driving so we drive back to the hotel

And I ended up having to tell the guy behind the fucking counter, dude, I'm too fucking shit-faced. Can you bring it back? And he's Canadian.
So he goes, Oh, yeah, no problem. Okay, yeah, I got it.

And then we took a cab, and that's how I made my flight, right?

And I vaguely remember the night. God, I love Canada.
Wait a minute.

So, like, two months later, I'm walking my dog, or a month later, and the rental car company calls me and starts telling me that I never returned the car. And I had totally forgotten.

I didn't know what they were talking about. I go, What are you talking about? I returned the car, but blah, blah, blah.

And I just, you know, and they called me like three times in a week.

And I was like getting annoyed. I was yelling at them.

And they,

I don't know, it finally, something jogged my memory. I was like, oh my God,

is that car still sitting at the fucking hotel?

I don't think he ever returned it. Or did he drop it off with the wrong one? I had no fucking idea.

So I just fessed up to that. And then they said, okay, and they never called me again.
Did they charge you for the month? No, I don't think so. Wow.
All right. So

Canada still made good there. Yeah, but Canada, don't fucking say you're going to return a rental car when you're not.
Canada. Dude, let me know something in this.

You've got a lot to deal with, Canada. You got Trump talking bullshit to you.
No, no, no, you're not going to be able to do that. You don't need to clean up after this guy.

Let's be, yeah, let's be honest. We were like...
You were bombed. We were bombed, and he was just going, okay, all right, yeah, buddy.
Yeah, yeah, okay, buddy. Yep, okay.

That's not the guy I was doing.

That's what he was doing. Yeah, I'm sure that that's what he was doing.

That's what I would have done. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm just going to agree with you until you fucking leave. Sure, the Red Centra, I'll get it right there for you.
But I'll tell you this. I would have returned to Royal Car.

You would have. I would have.
You would have? You know why?

Because you said you did. No, you know why? No.
Integrity, Bill. No.
And that's what we're missing in this company. No, because

I'm dumb enough to get myself in that situation, too. So I got a soft spot.
I got a soft spot for fucking summer school kids that do shit like that. I just do.

I will look the other way if nobody's really getting hurt. How long did you say? Three hours to the airport? No, you said 30.
No, we were like three hours north of Canada. That was the problem.

I couldn't get cell service. And then it was like fucking like totally like, dude, it was like the sun was just coming up and it was super foggy, like after a storm or something.

It was the middle of winter. So I just had everything working against me.
And I just, you know, you know when you just know you're going to get pulled over?

I was just, guys, I'm not fucking doing this. I'm not getting arrested in another country.
Bill Burr. Even if it it is Canada.
Everything working against me. You remember that show, Arrested Abroad?

No. Oh, dude, it's the scariest show that was ever on TV.

This is just bad. Right up there was to tell stories from breaking the law in other countries.
Right up there with to catch a predator.

You could. You would empathize.
You would empathize. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, what was scary about that was how fucking normal those people were that were coming to abuse those kids.

My favorite. Rabbi.
My favorite one.

My favorite one was the teacher, right? And he tries to run out of the house. Oh, and he runs through the garage and all the cops come out and he had glasses on.
He just went, God,

damn it. And he threw his fucking logs.

Oh, man.

Ugh.

You know, I never thought a sex offender could make me laugh. It was just something, there was something about the genuine emotion of it.

Oh, fuck those guys.

And I can laugh, Paul. I can laugh.
And I can laugh at that because I've been that kid waiting at the house.

Oh, man.

You earned it. You earned it.
You know what? I was doing that TV show before there was a TV show. What are you thinking about that, kids? So anyway,

arrested abroad.

And that's not like...

Little shit. It's literally like these people, you're like, what the fuck?

Like, I'm going to go to Columbia and I'm going to tape a kilo of cocaine to to my stomach they just got what it was half the reason they got caught was so fucking stupid I just remember

this guy talking about being in prison and he asked

the person interviewing him he goes do you know what it sounds like to hear a man being raped oh my god that's what he said I had to shut it off oh my god dude dude it was like

I think

That travel agencies pay to that thing.

What does it feel like to wait to be next?

jesus oh my god dude that is all you think what travel agencies paid to get that taken off the air dude i'm telling you i didn't want to go to florida after watching that thing i was like i want to go to florida now i don't want to go they need to reboot that show and make it uh come on florida arrested abroad american edition florida's fun it's got everything

just don't go to alligator alcatraz everything you need well they got that but they also got miami and sell some music let's not just make it all about

all

mothers who aren't with their kids anymore surrounded by fucking alligators.

You're a taxpayer working a seasonal gig, and you're good. I know.
I know. And you know what's funny is

with all of this shit that's going on, our food supply is still poisoned. You have no idea what you're feeding a baby.
Oh, well, don't worry about it. But let's worry about the late night schedule.

I'll tell you this.

I mean, that's, hey, let's talk about that. But actually, that's a great point.
I think he makes a good head of a network. Let's see what he does.
That's a great point, Bill. That's a great point.

The poison in the food supply. Don't worry because it's all sitting in fucking silos now.
China ain't buying it. Nobody's buying it.
All these farmers got... My cousins can't.
How do you know that?

I'll tell you exactly. I asked my cousins if they got their beans sold.
They got none of them sold. Where do they usually sell their beans? I mean, the market is

in China, those fucking commie bastards. China buys like 60% of our soybeans.

Dude, it's real.

This shit is real. Wait, we allow that?

Yeah.

Yeah, we do. Do we have made in the USA USA in our beans like they do on our MAGA hats? Every goddamn one.

That's what Roundup does for you, buddy.

Kills the bugs and lets them know where you come from. Because that's because there's because it's fucking China, Bill.
There's a billion people there.

You don't sell beans to one kid eating a birthday cake. That's true.
There's people. You got to sell the beans to the people.
That's true. That's true.
Yes. So anyway.
Back to your

Trump running a network. That's

that television network joke. I always thought if you had

a lot of people to feed, you went with lasagna. You go with beans?

I mean, beans, you can go put corn and beans in anything.

Well, sure.

It's a soy. It's a country.
It's soy. All right.
You don't have to fucking throw that word. You don't have to weaponize soy.
I don't like the way you just said that to me. I said it just fine.

This part is loaded, but soy

was just fine. I thought you were.
This This is what he does. You're in the middle of making a good point.
You're in the middle of

answering this question, and he'll be like, I think you're attacking me. Another classic attack.

Everything working against me in this conversation.

You didn't fucking launch your head a little bit when you said it was soy.

You didn't do one of those? I don't know. I don't know.
We left them on the tape. Maybe I did get a little neck into it.
Yeah. That's like the fucking, what are they called? What do they call it?

Sounds like something I would do. It was a false start.
We both stood up pointing at each other. He moved his fucking head.
No, I didn't. I didn't win.

That's my favorite one. What a jerk.
I just love watching 300 opponents' adults telling on each other.

That's my favorite part of a football game.

Remember when they only used to be able to call it?

He did it. Remember when they only used to be able to call that on the offense?

They don't.

Now if the defense.

You remember the defense could jump across the line of scrimmage, but if they got back in time.

I remember that as a quarterback, if you ran across the line of scrimmage you were treated like a running back i do remember that

yeah not anymore i mean they thought women were being beaten back then you should have seen what happened to the quarterbacks we're gonna be back in

oh my god can you imagine if a quarterback

was domestically violent to his whatever the word is his wife beating yeah beating his wife and she complains about you know what a beating is domestic try Try playing the fucking Stalers with the offensive line I have.

What I'm trying to say is life is about perspective, Nate. How you feeling, Bill? I feel good.
I feel good. My wife's offensive line is in shambles right now.

Oh, no.

So let's talk about the president's TV network, Bill.

When do you start? When do we start pitching him? When do you start?

When do you start this lucrative business of washing politicians' balls

that comedy has embraced? Well, this is what I've learned. What I've learned is that when they were saying, fuck your feelings and you're a bunch of snowflakes, they were projecting.

And what the reality is, is everybody's really sensitive. And people don't like being made fun of.
It hurts their feelings. It does.
And people on the right also have feelings.

Yep. Okay?

And when their feelings get hurt, They get sad.

But somehow, people on the left are the touchy-feely people. I think everybody is very sensitive.

And what I think is what's wrong with the world right now is there is just an astounding lack of common courtesy and respect. Empathy.

And I would say it comes like if I was running, if I was running shit,

I wouldn't be getting rid of talk show hosts.

Okay, because they were doing impressions of me with bald caps on and it hurt my feel feels.

I would shut down CNN. I'd shut down Fox News.
I would shut down all social media. And I would remove the ability to leave comments on the internet.

And also the internet, rules of libel and slander, would apply. Well, it's a little late for that, Bill, but I have always had an opinion about 24-hour news networks.

They should have one hour a day that they can call news. The rest of it's all sponsored content.
One hour a day. No, no, no.
Fox, sponsor. No, the rest of the rest.

I like that, but the rest of the day, you got a show like Teen Mom or something.

You're not allowed to say the sky is falling because of the other side 24 hours a day, 365. That's the problem.
And

that has whittled away the middle in this country. And now we are just so on both sides.
But I mean,

I'm going to be honest with you, buddy. One side's winning, and they're not interested in freedom of speech anymore.
So

if they're speaking,

we are lacking empathy, like you said.

Your boy, the Twitter guy, he says empathy is a weakness. That is something that a dead-eyed robot would say because it's how you make it as a species in an evolved society.

But we are also lacking integrity, and we have lacked it for quite some time now. People are not,

I mean, integrity

is basically, you know,

you can lie to other people.

But you have to be able to lie to yourself in order to do it with the efficiency of Donald Trump. And that's what people like about him.
He just is able to float his own lies with zero

problem. And it makes him feel like that's a way to be.
And it's just not. Yeah, no.
And that's why he hates me. He hates me.
I would stick with my plan. I would stick with my plan.

So then everybody would have to live. I didn't have a plan.
Everybody has to live in reality. So we stop blaming each side

in this, that, and the other thing. In the same way that people who look at Donald Trump don't want to look at this guy like he's a lying ambulance chasing sue happy piece of shit.

Liberals didn't want to act, they acted like fucking Mr. Magoo had all his faculties.
And they also are acting. Yeah, I don't know if there's a comparison, dude.

Straddling the fence is getting a little bit harder. I got to be honest with you.

You don't have to be honest. Just be honest with me.
You don't have to tell me that you're being honest. And also, I got to be honest with you, okay? Just be honest.
I've got to be honest with you.

Just be honest. The Democratic Party has not let Democrats pick who the fuck they want to vote for for president since.
I'm not going to get hungry.

I didn't even get to finish it I've heard it before it's because I've heard it before I get it they sunk Bernie Sanders I wasn't happy with him I voted for the guy I gave money

with you let's just do that let's just agree

let's just agree I agree with you yeah it's it's that's that's this is a slippery slope this this is Donald Trump's ego the slipperiest slope of all time and that's where we're at so I don't know going back and rehashing Democratic primaries from elections that we somehow lost because of the Electoral College is maybe not

I don't know maybe not relevant right now. I nominated Bernie Sanders, and the Democrats said, no, fuck you.
You're going with this company, man. I thought that that's what happened.

I thought that happened twice.

So we're talking about the Democrats. I'm talking boxing here, dude.
I'm talking boxing here.

What's a better fight?

Crazy Bernie versus crazy Donnie or a company man, fucking Hillary Clinton, looking like she's going to sell you a fucking something in the polka nose.

Okay? I don't know, buddy. Just like a real estate agent past her fucking prime.
I mean, she'd be, she'd be.

She had no star power.

I could have been a manager in this business, and I could look at her and be like, she does not have it.

I said this on this.

Bill, how do you know?

You didn't have the time to run on issues. You should have hoarded up.
How are we talking about Hillary Clinton right now, Bill? Bill,

taxpayers are getting stuffed into rental cars by

Johnny sign-up neo-Nazi with fake federal patches on their gear. And we're talking about Hillary Clinton? Come on, guy.
I mean, I don't know. Jimmy Kimmel just got kicked off the air.

And Stephen Colbert off the air. Like, this is, there's no time for both sides to shit.

It's your perspective. It is my perspective.
There you go, buddy. I think it's also your perspective.
You just don't like that I'm having an opinion and you want to kneecap me.

Wait, are you stealing my act? Now you're feeling attacked? I just fucking agreed with you.

You put a little agreement bow on a disagreement and called it an agreement. No, no, I said, let's just fucking agree.
And then you said

that. You're still talking to Hillary Clee.
You did that. You did that.
You insulted me a little bit.

Dude, listen. You fucked it.
Listen, I don't watch it. That's good.
Don't. Don't.
But. I think all of you guys that watch it are fucking insane.
I got, I, I went, uh, where the fuck was I?

I came out of something. I got in.
I got into an SUV and it had CNN and Fox News on and I was in a good mood. And I looked at the headlines

like them just like everybody's head was on fire. I just said to the guy, can you do me a favor? Can you shut this shit off? Yeah, I agree with you.

We don't have to pay attention to that, but where do you get your news then? People want to know.

When you do absorb information, Belber,

where does it come from? Travel.

The real life experience, good for you. Yeah, I just travel around and I'm starting to read and I got off Instagram and leave me alone.
Stop. Would you stop with that?

No,

I couldn't handle Instagram. I was totally addicted to it.
I had to fucking move the app to the end of the thing.

And without even thinking, like a robot, my thumb would go beep, want, want, want, and then fucking click on it. Well, now I know why you haven't shared my special trailer, but that's okay, Bill.

I haven't. No, no, I'm fucking with you.
I'm fucking with you. Text me.
Yeah, but I don't want to be on that shit anymore. I don't either.
I don't want to watch all of these fucking people.

It's too much. I don't.
It's too much. My Instagram is in the water tank behind my toilet.
It has kneecapped

like a bottle of scotch. It has kneecapped a generation of

social activism because everybody's on their screens feeling like

it's all of us. It's all of us.
It is. And our generation or the generation after us created it.
It's like

when people used to trash millennials, it's like, well, we raised them.

You adults that are bitching, you're bitching about the kids that you fucking raised. It's the parents, yeah, it's the parents who are also on the screens that are the problem.

That's who I'd go after if I was in office. I'd go after the parents.
Parents, yeah.

That's who I'd be rounding up, sticking down an alligator alley. I'm your huckleberry.
I'd fucking do that in a second.

How have you been enjoying parenting? Oh, it's great, man. The kid's great.
That's awesome. Yeah, it's busting my ass a little bit, but you can't complain when you've got one kid.

Nobody wants to hear that shit. Yeah.
And also, you don't listen to those people who go, oh, it goes by, it goes by so fast. And they romantic, take in every second.
They're looking back on it now.

You know, they get eight hours sleep every night. They forget what it was like to be in the shit.
Okay? You can't take it all in. You're just trying to make it to 8 p.m.
at night. Yeah.

And then you say to your wife, hey, let's watch this show. Five minutes in, you're out.
That's what it is.

We don't even try to watch this show.

Yeah. We are out, dude.
That's why it's so amazing that you took the time to find yourself a snazzy suit and fucking put out an incredible special that I actually watched as a stand-up comedian.

That's the highest praise I could possibly do.

That's like, you think Ted Coppel watches the news? He does not. He is the news.
He is the news. Bill, you are comedy.

That's a great point. Yeah, but not in a good way.
Comedy is endorsing my comedy special right now. All right.
And I did it with my legs crossed, too.

And when a white man crosses his legs and points at a camera, okay, goddammit, he wants to be heard. I just, we're getting into martyrdom territory.

I mean, and it's nice. The left has a martyr now.

You just want to talk politically. I do.
Who do you think you're going to change? Bill, I'm not trying to change anybody. I'm talking to my friend right now, and I value your opinions

the second we sit here with cameras on we're in show business i don't hope you realize that you may tell you something i'm under no illusion that we are not in the business somebody told me something a long time ago there's no business like show business and i want you to swear and think about that do i have to sing the song too well everything's fucking show business right yeah

well so what do you go next what do you take your comedy cavalcade minneapolis next week

september 24th through the 27th i'm in texas can i give you a vhs tape of my act from 20 years ago to see if they'll pass me? I'll take it to him. He's a big fan.
I know him. I know he is.

Oh, my God. Let me tell you something.

It's easy to be a big fan from states away, okay? But when old fucking Billy Freckles showed up, he told me to hit the bricks. Hit them bricks, buddy.
Well, you. I didn't even beat him.

That's how disgusted he was with my act. It probably hurts you that you asked him to return your rental car for you.

That's not a good look.

You were cockeyed drunk on my stage

through the rental car keys. But he was a fellow American and he didn't do it.
He didn't do it. He didn't do it.
It's fucking bullshit. I'll be in Texas middle of November.

I'm doing Houston and Austin. I think the 19th and 20th.
And then I got my whole, my holiday run.

Houston's fun. It'll be fun.
We did that. They have the best guitar store if you're a left-handed.
left-handed guitar player. They got a place

exotic. South Pole.
Sounds like some tourism guitars.

Because they don't don't make them for us. They just.
Are you left-handed? Yeah. You fucking freak.
I never knew that about you.

Well, I'm sort of both because when I was growing up, they didn't let you be left-handed. Like

the world was for right-handed people because they wanted you to get in that cubicle. That's how right it is, Bill.
Get in there at that paper factory. Woke left-handed bullshit.

Yeah, and fucking marry the sad chick at the front desk.

And have mediocre sex because you don't know what it is. Stay and stay and don't even talk about it in public.

You don't need to teach my children about your left-handed ideology. Yes.

Yeah, everything's victims.

Scissors,

baseball, gloves. Everything was just for right-handed fucking people.
So I throw right. I can bat both sides.
And you write left-handed. I write left-handed.
You do. I play guitar left-handed.

It's definitive.

I play drums right-handed. I'm a fucking mess.
That's also responsible. You had the capacity to evolve.
You've been engaging both sides of your.

i don't even know is your dexterity one side of your brain i don't even know if that's the case listen i love that that diagnosis from your non-medical degree i i'll give that diagnosis over and over again

can i frame it yeah

okay and this was a positive thing i said about you and you're still there's still a there's still a tone in your voice no i i i i'm going through some shit

i'm going through some shit you know it everybody does Everybody goes through some fucking shit. You're handling it pretty well, Bill.
I know.

This conversation has been relatively enjoyable, enjoyable, despite any contentiousness. I would call it vaguely hostile on my side.

Well,

you know what? Thanks for pulling back the curtain. Well, do you know when a comic has no point of view? My anger has no point of view.
It's sort of rudderless. That's...

It is easy. I lost the engine.
I ain't got a sail. I'm just out here on this fucking lake anger, man.
I'm out here by myself. Anger is easy.

That's what I think kind of the problem that nobody does. Whoever said that was a fucking cunt.
Who? Anger is easy. I'm saying it right now.
Well, you're a fucking cunt. It is easy.
And

I take my endorsement away from your spouse. Look at how easy it is for you to just start hurling C-bombs.
You know, if you had points, you wouldn't have to point at me. How about that?

You would just say what you had to say. Whoever said that is a fucking cunt.
And then, and then put your fucking finger away. You're going to tell me that.
What do you mean?

I'll fucking point right at you. I'll fucking point you.
Upsides on you.

Fucking two Spider-Mans right here.

Oh, my God.

Buddy. Listen, dude, it's a silly fucking world.

What's you going to do? Well, you're going to envision a better world. That's what you're going to do.

Why don't you tell the cunt upstairs to start tightening down the fucking bolts and make some human beings? Because that's not my God. My God is integrity, buddy.

You can't. Yeah, my God works for the fucking Chrysler Corporation in the 80s.
That's the truth. And he's making Dodge K cars

with plastic wood paneling. That's what he's fucking making.

It's just like he just makes sociopaths and meatheads. My God brews beer in Wisconsin.

My God thinks my God's all right with everything I've ever done.

I'm the only guy I ever met.

Got a God drinks beer on Tuesday. I'm the only guy I've met who has God's email.
Oh, shit. Man, I got it.
Direct, and he gets back to me that fucking day.

Which one of God's emails you got? The. The God at

Ohio State? He's got me. I'm still on the.
the.god. At Hotmail.
Damn. The God.

Damn. At Hotmail.com.
I'm the only guy I ever met in the text thread with Jesus and Moses.

I'm the only guy I ever met wanting to meet Frank Stallone instead of Sly.

I'm the only guy I ever met. I'm the only guy I ever met

knows all the mother, grandmother, and granddaughter that slept with Bob Seeger in 1972.

I used Bob Seeger as a reference recently, and it was fucking perfect, and everybody didn't understand it. I was trying to explain what my dad looked like when I was a kid.

He had long fucking hair and a beard, and one day he got a haircut.

Oh, I know what this was. I went to see Sandler at MSG, and he was fucking hilarious.
He had this song about a dad shaving off his beard, and it took me back to when I was a kid.

My dad had long hair down, you know, down to here, just the earlobes peeking out like that time. Post-60s.
Beatles had already broken up, and he had a big bushy beard.

And he just, I guess, decided he was going to go back to his old 1950s look. And he came back with fucking a haircut above his ears, clean shaven, and came walking in the house.

I had no idea who he was. And he kissed my mom.
And I was just like, what in the fuck is going on? Who is this guy? Why is mom cool with that? And then he started talking.

And then I realized who he was. You actually didn't know who your father was.
I know I do.

Oh.

I just realized

how funny that is. Oh, Billy Blackout.
Oh, my dad. He was shave and get a haircut, and I didn't even recognize him.

He's in the house. He's all the way in the house, not across the street.
That is an old school dad.

Dads went to work back then. They left before you woke up, came home.
You were scared of them. You went to another room.
Who is this? So all it took. Why is mom kissing the refrigerator?

Yeah, I had an old picture of him.

Rambling.

This is dad. Who's that guy over there? Oh, we've got to get you a new updated photo, Bill.

Carry this around in your wallet.

Anyways, did we do it? I think we did it. That was really enjoyable.
This is what we do when we're on the road. Hold on,

let me do my holiday dates. I'll be in Janesville.

I'll be in Bozeman, Montana, December 19th. I'll be in Janesville, Wisconsin, December 20th.
Isn't Bozeman beautiful that time of year? I can't wait. I can't wait to see it.
This awesome place.

Oh, last best comedy in Bozeman. And then I'll be, my show in Madison is at the Majestic December 27th.
Is Lucas Seeley up there? Who? Lucas Seeley? I don't know.

I mean, he's the best person I ever met from Montana. Maybe.

I met him in Seattle, and then he booked me for a gig up there. I think the only time I ever had a gig up there, and I loved it.
I think so.

Does he do the Big Sky Comedy Festival? I don't know. I'm not tapped in like that.
It was a while ago that I went up there.

You know what I remember most about Montana was I was driving by, and some guy in his yard had one of those COE fucking Jeepers Creepers trucks. You know, the cab over engine.

Fucking gorgeous. Like, you ever see when guys like redo those things? They're so fucking beautiful.
I don't know where you would drive them. Just the flat front buses? Yeah.

And what they did was because they thought trucks were getting too long, they put a limit on the size of the trailer.

So what they did so they could keep the trailer just as long, they basically put the driver on top of the engine right with the fucking windshield. Instant fatality.
Oh, back in the day.

Instant fatality. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. That fucking flying saucer steering wheel cuts you in half, and then the rest of you goes right through for a 7-10 split at the local bowling alley.

Do not drive with any topography in this thing right here.

Anyway, but they weren't those the best-looking trucks. I love those fucking things just coming down the street.
I like them for you, Bill. You do? Yeah.

I'd drive one of those things. Grand Rapids, New Year's Eve.
I'll be there

the second and third of

January as well. And then I'll be in Chicago at the Lincoln Lodge January 9th.
I'll be in Boston January 31st. Finally booked Boston.
Yeah. Comedy studio.
Get out of here, buddy.

Is that one Cambridge? Yeah, I think so. I'm just.

Somebody has a smart act.

I never played Boston.

I will be there January 31st, and I'll be in Milwaukee. I started in Boston.
I never played Cambridge. They were like, no, no, no, other side.
Other side. Well, you can, you know, get on the fucking.

They were waiting for you to get on therapy. Mass Av, go over the bridge.

You're over the bridge. You get on that side of the river.
You don't come over here. This is the smart side with Cambridge.
Wow. It's Somerville.
Kidding. I honestly don't know where it is.

I've never played Boston. So, Boston, what's up? January 31st.
Put that in your account. January 31st.
Hopefully my Bruins will be all right this year.

Celtics.

They Tatum. Is Tatum out for a whole year? Man, I don't know.
I feel like there was like three superstars that popped their Achilles last year, and it's just like, dude,

what is happening? It kind of cost the Pacers a championship. It kind of did, yeah.

And also cheated basketball fans out of an Epic Game 7 had he led them. Yeah, it was still, it looked good for a quarterback.
It was good for the Thunder to win.

Yeah, yeah, it was good for the Thunder to win. But it sucks, man.
That guy's a really good. I mean,

he just crushes the Bucs, but I still, I mean, you can't miss what a good player he is. Like, he's just, he was that guy.

He did the Reggie Miller. He took out the Knicks in dramatic fashion.

That was the easiest money I ever made.

That series or that game? And the guy never paid me. He ducked my phone calls.
Ooh, you got some money out there from Knicks fans? Just believe that. New York sports fans.
Just believe that.

It's better. New York sports fans, dude.
Hell yeah. It's better owed.
Oh, believe me, dude. Sweet money.
He owes me 500 bucks, but

I've gotten at least $1,500 worth of shit talking.

I went Sean Connery. Oh, yeah.
Isn't that just like a Knicks fan?

Oh, man. Oh, yeah.

Talking because he had beaten the Celtics, right? You know, fucking after Tatum blows out his fucking

Achilles. So he's giving me all of this shit.
I go, dude, all right. All right.
I go, you're still going to lose the next round.

Oh, no, no, son, and all this fucking son, son, son bullshit.

I go, all right, dude, I'll bet you 500 bucks in the series. 500.

Bang. Bang.
Bang.

That game one killed him. It was that one.
Dude, he won. The text thread went like this.

And then he just fucking disappeared.

Slowed to. Where did he go?

Where did he go? No,

no longer himself.

New York City is the home of the whack-a-mole fan.

When they went in, they pop up, oh, dude, fucking, you see what the Yankees did? And then when they're losing.

Like, the fucking Yankees almost got seasonally swept into August. They couldn't fucking beat the Red Sox or whatever.
They won like fucking, I couldn't hear from anybody.

Then they took three out of four from us. And all of a sudden, like bears coming out of hibernation,

Hoity-Toity. Hoity and Toity.

Both Hoidy. Both Hoity and Toity.
And you know what? You hate to see it. Yeah.
You hate to see it. It's tough on them.
It's hard underground for a Yankees fan.

No, they're not.

The sports media blows them. I mean,

the level of media coverage on Knicks fans every every year in the playoffs, like they're a part of the NBA.

Like they're like, it's like it's

the fucking Lakers and Celtics are the NBA. And then I would say like the Miami Heat, the Golden State Warriors.
It's people who have been there. People have done things.
The fucking Knicks.

I like the Knicks. It's better when the Knicks are good.
So now that the Knicks are finally good, I like it. I'm not going to lie to you.
I like it when Madison Square Garden is in the playoffs.

I don't mind coverage, but like the level of fucking coverage.

We're watching some storied franchise return to the summit. It's like they've won twice.

They won in 1970 and 1973. This like expansion franchises, like the Miami Heat, who've been in the league for fucking 35 years, have like twice as many rings as them.

I don't understand it, but it has to do with the size, the media size. They tried to hook him up.
They They fixed that lottery. They gave him Patrick Ewing.

And then along came a guy named Michael Jordan, and they said, fuck that storyline.

I mean, fuck Jordan. It was Reggie Miller.
Reggie Miller took him out

just as many times as Jordan did. No, no, no.
That's why it was beautiful when Patrick Ewing was 85. Halliburton did.
Was 85. This was before Reggie Miller.

Well, Reggie Miller beat the Knicks, too. In the 90s.
Yeah, yeah.

Are you trying to out old guy shit with me? No, but I thought, I thought, I guess I just didn't hear, I missed what you were saying. Yeah, no, I mean, the Knicks had a couple different skeletons.

I love those early Knicks teams. To me,

that's what basketball teams look like. Oakley.
And that was one of the toughest teams ever. Oh, my God.
Everybody always talks about the fucking Detroit Pistons.

The fucking early 90s Knicks, if it was a street fight,

other than Mahorn, they would have been in trouble. Yeah.
Dude, the

Oakley and what was Homeboy's name? John Sally. Not John Sally, I'm sorry.
Yeah. Wrong team.
No, no, no, no. He always had the sick haircuts.
Damn, why am I blaming his name? I haven't thought he was.

I think he

passed away. Began with an S, and now he said John Sally, and my old brain, I'm not going to be able to.
God damn it.

Starks? Not. No, no, no.
The power forward who can dribble.

Come on.

Thank you. I have no idea.
Sorry. Oh, my God.
I'm going to be driving home. Oh, my God.

I'm going to be driving home, and I'm going to scream like Willis Reed or something. It isn't that.
Anthony Mason. Thank you.
Nice job. Condolences.
Yeah. Anthony fucking Mason.
Yep. And

Charles Oakley. Who they kicked out of the stadium.
Didn't they kick him out of the arena? Didn't Dolan have him kicked out of the stadium? Hey, listen, buddy.

You know, I don't kick a franchise when they're down.

Well, they're good now. They're fine now.
You can kick them, Bill. You can kick them.

No, no, they're fine. Look, I actually root for the Knicks.
That's what's funny

Because

they're not in the rivalry

thing.

It's like when Charger fans try to come at Patriots. I root for the Bears.
It's like, I didn't know we had a rivalry. Right.
I get it. You know what I'm saying?

It's just like, that's what always surprised me that Yankee fans, I was always touched that they took the time to hate us, at least until the last few years. But it was just like, they owned us.

Like, what are you so upset about?

I get it. I get it.
But I like when the Knicks are good. And I also, Paul Verzee is one of my great friends.
And I just want to see,

I know he's going to cry. And I have to be there when it happens.
Because he's not going to want to cry in front of me. And

it's going to be an ugly cry.

It's going to be like his wedding, and he's the bride.

That is the level of the

Paul. I'm talking shoulders shaking.
Oh, man.

Men looking away.

Oh, my God. That is the level.
I got some Bear fan buddies that are like that right now.

I mean, I don't know if you, have you watched the Bears? Have you watched Kayla Williams play in the NFL?

I know their coach is Ben Johnson, and I'm glad he got back on his feet after that Olympic suspension.

They got this quarterback from USC

won the Heisman Trophy. Oh, Jesus.
And

he's got... arm talent, as they say, Bill.
He can make throws that only a couple guys in the league can make that throw.

How do USC offensive play that five-yard out to the other to the long side of the field?

You know what I always loved about?

What I always loved about USC's football program, for some reason, for like two decades, they were the only ones that realized that Samoans were like the most insane linebackers and strong safeties.

And they just like They just had a lot.

I don't know if it was the climate, then it's like, all right, if I have to leave this paradise of an island to go to the fucking home of the cheesecake factory, I'm not going past the beach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going past the beach.
I'll play for San Diego State. I'll play, dude, those fucking guys.
And I just remember

because I used to, I forget who I used to, it was Notre Dame USC. So, you know, being from Boston, he wrote for the Irish team.

And I was just be like, why doesn't Notre Dame get some of these fucking guys? These guys are unbelievable. Some of these apostrophes.
Those are the original apostrophes. Yeah.
Everybody, yeah.

Anyway, all right. Well, Tag of Iloa.

Was Junior

Junior Say? He doesn't have an apostrophe. Say I'll play it.
Well,

did he play for URC? Yeah. Yes.
He did, yeah. I was going to say, like,

Troy Palomalo, did he play there? I don't know if he's Samoan. Those guys with that.

That's got to be Samoan.

That's got to be

Palomalu. You know, I'm old enough to know when I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Which might be the name of this entire episode. Not me, buddy.
All right. Not Tyson.

I'm excited for your new special. I'm excited for people to see it.
Thank you for schooling me on your worldview. I enjoyed it.
Oh, no. Thank you for agreeing with my worldview.
Yeah. You agreed.

You know what? That's my new move.

Every five-minute span of disagreements out of you was the cherry on top was an agreement, and I appreciate you for. I'm just going to do that for now.
Thank you.

You're good at that. Doing this.
And everybody knows you mean it, and that's why people like you. Integrity.
I never looked at it that way, man. Thank you.
That's a great worldview. Thank you.

If you don't mind, I'm going to leave right now without you getting violent. All right.
I'll see you later. That's how I'm ending every conversation.
I'm only. And I'm just going to change my accent.

I hear you, dude. I fucking hear you.
All right, bro. I'm only guying.
All right. Hey, hey, go pats.
And then I walk out. That's good.
That's good.

It makes me feel welcome. Ah, geez, you know? I never looked at it that way.
I'm going to yelp your

podcast. My mom's outside.
She got us some pop. My.
I'll see you later.

Kate.

How do you like your pop? What flavor?

Oh, you got to go cherry cook. What do you like? Root beer? What do you like? Cream soda? What do you like? Oh, root beer.
That's it. Lemon lime.
I can't do it.

I have to be in the Midwest and I start to pick it up.

It's a fun one. It's a fun one.
It's a fun one. It is.
It is.

You guys have pleasant cornered.

You guys are some of the most pleasant racist people I've ever met in my life.

Chicago, January 9th and 10th at the Lincoln Lodge. The Lincoln Lodge.
Milwaukee, the next weekend, whatever that is, 16th, 15th, 15th, 16th.

The Lavern and Shirley Comedy Hut. The Your Laughing Tale.
Fonzarelli Funny. Yeah.
They got all those statues out there. All right.
We're going to just babble and babble and babble some more.

All right. Yeah, check out the special.
Like it, share it, comment, subscribe. That's all.
People got to watch the thing, and then you got to let it play the algorithm like that.

And we're going to end with, I like your free speech as long as it's stuff I like to hear.

And clean up all that other bullshit. Clean up all.
I don't want any shit out there that I don't like to hear. I'm going to tell you what.
I'm going to tell you what.

Free speech ain't shit I don't like. Don't you say shit about that guy that said that thing that my wife's friend told her to say.
Dude,

as long as what you're saying, I can fucking process, then it should be on TV.

All right, but if it isn't

shit the fuck out of here. If it challenges my worldview or if it insults the fragile lizard ego of my king and lord and savior, and

if I can make it about this rather than a real issue, if I could tether our social democracy, we're about to find out how well the federal government actually ran, buddy. That's what I'll say.

It's because we are, we are, these people are tethering

the fucking

FCC, FEMA, the CDC. There's no scientists at the CDC.
Fucking Epstein Island. Fucking 9-11, the moonland.
All the seas. All the seas, Bill.
The moonland.

I don't know why I'm doing a southern accent because I'm into conspiracy, too. I'm into it, too.
I have

a lot of them. Conspiracy theory right now is that the NFL is done with the Chiefs.

They feel like they've exhausted it, and it may be that they need to, like, they're going to let them chill for a few years before they come back like the Patriots, right?

And I think they're testing the waters. Like, I watched a game the other night, and for some reason, I was looking at Josh Allen's wedding photos.

To me, that seems like a reboot of

Sandy Duncan and fucking Tony Gonzalez there.

They've moved on.

They've moved on, Bill. Yeah, I think, no, but I'm thinking.
I mean, he's here. No, but I think that the amount of eyeballs

of

Travis

Killer.

God damn it, Travis. I'm a dog.
I tried to pick that up. Travis Kelsey and his fiancé,

the amount of eyeballs that they got, they're just like, okay, let's do that. That works.
You know, like comics, oh, crowd work,

post-crowd work. Now they're like, let's get into these players.
Well, wait until Josh Allen's wife advocates for women's health.

Then that shit's over.

Then I got to deal. Well, I mean, that's why people hated Taylor Swift.
That's why they don't, you know.

Are they really upset about a pop star in a box for three seconds of a broadcast? Or are they mad that she advocated for women's health care, Bill? You tell me. Conspiracy.

You're the conspiracy theorist here. Well, how come she didn't advocate for my health care? Because your health care is right where it needs to be, buddy.

I'm guessing you got pretty shiny blue chip insurance.

Should we text Twitch? I should tell you this right now. Should I text Taylor Swift to

Bill Burr on her account? I don't even take out my insurance card anymore because they just say no. I just go, how much, what do I owe you?

Well, maybe we're on insurance.

Let's just not do this.

I want to get out of here. And you're going to put that in there.

What? That won't pay. My insurance card.
How do I have better insurance than you?

That should be... Because you fucking, I don't know, you married a doctor?

She's not a doctor yet.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

My insurance card

has a picture of a front desk. We got to stop a front desk lady going.
We got to stop buying your insurance off billboards, Bill.

Who's in charge of this? It's the SAG shit, and they don't take it anywhere.

Any place that actually goes where you go where the person knows what the fuck they're doing, they'll send you some generic place. I've had that SAG insurance.

Yeah, I'm not going to some Costco dentist. Oh, I got my first cortisone shot with SAG insurance.

Mm. Oh, Bill.
Bill, we got to go. Oh, we got to go.
All right. We got to go.
That's it.

Thank you guys for watching. All right.

Just fucking, you know, do what you want to do out there. And

anything that happened was his fault. It was his fault.
He did it. Nate Craig, everybody.
We'll see you.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 18th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How's it going, everybody? How are you?

Starting a new week, getting out there, putting your pants on one leg at a time.

Joe Six-Pack going to work.

I got to keep it down.

This is the new more subdued, quieter podcast now that I have a baby daughter.

I'm recording this Sunday night and

that's all you need to fucking know. My fucking, are you hearing that? Am I hearing some sort of weird noise there? I don't know what I did.

My fucking mixer is acting weird. What happens if I push this button? Anything? Anything.
Oh, there you go. Just goes into one speaker and then the other.
One headphone and then the other.

How are you? Did you enjoy your football Sunday? Did you enjoy your sports weekend? Did you follow politics? Did you watch college football?

Did you stare at the wall drinking booze, ignoring your loved ones? Well, if you did, I'm jealous.

Oh, Billy, no booze. Billy,

what? Where? Oh, tell me where'd your booze go, Billy boy, Billy boy, tell me where did your booze go, charming Billy.

It's sitting over there

and every night I fucking stare, but I can't have a fucking drop because I got acting work. Yes, I can't have a fucking drop because I got acting work.
See, I'm slowly losing my mind.

What if I just had one? Billy boy, billy boy. What if you just had one? Charming Billy?

Well, then I drink the whole bottle. And I'd fucking puke in the couch.
And I'd be a fat fuck on camera and HD.

I'm down to 176 and change. I haven't even been working out because I was playing catch and fucked up my fucking calf.
That's how old I am. So I've just been eating like an angel.

You know, after every bite, I count and I chew fucking 27 times on each side of my mouth. And then I take the napkin and I wipe off it like a fucking angel.

If there is a God.

A la whatever the fucking peanut butter sandwiches you're into. And then, ah la, peanut butter sandwiches.
I wonder if fucking the counts getting any death threats from extreme Muslims.

Or maybe he was Muslim. I don't know.
They never really said. God knows Sesame Street was liberal enough.
They probably would have thrown that in back then, right?

And then Bob would be fucking singing that song.

What is it? Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood, in your neighborhood? Oh, who are the people in your neighborhood? The people that you meet each day.

Oh, a fucking puppet vampire that happens to be Muslim is in your neighborhood. It was too long.
That's what it was. It's too fucking long.

Devin had dropped a booze in fucking 32 days. 32 fucking goddamn days.
I'll tell you right now, I'm not even going to lie to you. This was the longest month in a day of the year, without a doubt.

It's fun in the morning. It's not in the evening.
Like right now, I just want to get fucking blasted.

You know, I don't know. Can't do it, though.
Can't do it. Gradually coming down.
Got to get down to $1.72. My fighting weight, as Bob Pogo says on Efforts for Family, season two, are you watching?

Are you liking? Are you giving it a thumbs up?

Whatever the fucking scoring system is over there at Netflix? You know, I don't know what they're using now.

I think they said they were going to go with thumbs up, thumbs down, and I think they stuck with the star system.

I have no idea.

I don't pretend to know.

My whole fucking weekend has just been about keeping my fucking leg raised. I went to this fucking party on Thursday night with my lovely wife.

And the fucking host of it was giving a big speech. And I was stone sober.
And I had to go over and sit in the corner. It was outside in this guy's lawn with like a tent, right?

And I'm sitting, I go off in the corner to sit down stone sober with a fucking, I had like club club soda and lime.

The hardest thing for me to order because I could never remember

what you say. I could just for some reason, I can never remember club soda because I never order it.
And half the time I go up to the bartender, they'll be like, what can I get you?

I'm like, what's that thing people drink when they don't drink? And then they go, club soda? I go, yes, with a lime.

I'm not even trying to be funny. Like a third of the time, that's how I have to order it because I can't remember what it is because I never order it.

So I'm on my second club soda and lime, and this guy who's hosting the party, fabulous host, he's fucking thanking all these people.

I had to go outside the tent because I see a stone wall where I can sit down because my fucking ankle is filling up with fluid

and it's becoming twice the size of my other ankle.

But you know, I went to the, you know, I just went into some walk-in clinic and the guy looked at it, going, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I can tell you what you did right now.

I can tell you from across the fucking room without even doing an x-ray, you know, walk-in clinic type shit, you know?

So I go to sit down. The guy's in the middle of this great speech.
Everybody's fucking listening.

And I don't know how, but I set my glass down and I reached back to get something and I knocked it off and it made that. And it was like a fucking wine glass.

So it sounded like a booze glass in the middle of his speech. And like half the tent fucking looks over at me.
I spilt it on my leg. I did all of this stone sober.

So my half comes walking out. She's laughing at me going, what did you do? And I was all embarrassed Going, I was going, Nia, stop making a scene.
Like, I felt bad enough as it was.

And then she got mad at me because I got, like, I got, you know,

I got emotional with her. So she didn't talk to me for like two fucking days because of that.
But two fucking days, she started talking to me. You know what I mean?

Like, if she ever spilt a drink on herself and half a tent of people looked over at her and I walked over and said, like, what did you do?

You know, mad she'd be at me. But that's how it works in the male-female dynamic.
All right?

You're either wrong or you were too mean when you were right. That's basically how it was.
That's what it was. I think I was guilty of being too mean.
So, anyways,

I watched a little bit of the Patriots today. I saw the first quarter.
I taped the game. I'm going to watch the rest of it.

Patriots looked a little bit better today. Obviously, it's early in the season.
You know. This is what they always do.

They hype up shit because people are beating teams or losing to teams and all this shit that you're not going to see in January. Who gives a a fuck, right? It's just getting going.

And

I actually

went to the StubHub Center today and I saw the new Los Angeles Chargers, their first game against the Miami Dolphins.

I went down there. I got to tell you, that might be the best stadium I've seen a football game in.
at the NFL level simply because there was only 25,000 people there.

I can't believe the Patriots are playing the Chargers on the road. If I could see Tom Brady in a 25,000-seat stadium, that'd be fucking incredible.

That's like the old, that's like what the old NFL used to look like.

Back before, you know, we outfucked all of those other stadiums. Back before Lady Gaga and fucking Whitney Houston and everybody brought all these other people into the game.

All these people who are just like, oh my God, what else happens after the concert? You know, and they started watching football, so they had to build 50, 60, 70, 80, 100,000 fucking seat stadiums.

25,000

seats. I got to see two wily veterans, two gunslingers, Philip Rivers, Philip Rivers

against what's his face there?

Jake Cutler? Is it Jay or Jake? Jay Cutler, that's right. Jay Cutler, right? Am I going to say his name right? Jay Cutlett.
I like it. One guy's a fucking religious freak with 90 kids.

The other guy's like, set him up. Set him up.
Let's have another drink. Right? Jay Cutler.
There you go. That's right.
Jay Cutler. So

fucking San Diego had the goddamn game one.

Wait, this is showing me a bodybuilder. Is it Jake?

This is the age I'm at now. I don't know anybody's fucking name anymore.
Jake Cutler. There we go.

Where are we? No, it is Jay Cutler. All right, whatever.

This fucking guy, right?

He leads his team down the field. They go ahead by three points, and then San Diego comes down the field.
Phillip Rivers, he doesn't give a shit.

You think he's worried about a fucking two-minute offense? This guy's got nine mouths to feed.

Can you imagine having nine kids?

You just come home to a standing ovation. Everybody's freaking.
You have a crowd. You have a fucking crowd of kids.
How amazing is that?

Until they all become teenagers and then there's a 10 to 15 year period where they hated you, you know?

You never made sure that I also got staked down. You always sat down the other end of the table.
I wanted to sit closer to you. I think he's going to deal with all of that shit, right?

It was a great game. Fantastic fucking stadium.

Dad, Grayton, there's not a bad seat in the house.

I'm telling you, before they move to some giant monstrosity of a fucking stadium that they're sharing with the Rams, I believe, and it's going to fucking, you know, bankrupt this city.

Before they fucking do that, if you get a chance, definitely go to the StubHub Center. It's fucking phenomenal.

You know, it's funny, as I was sitting there, I was watching watching the game, and I see this guy flying over in this helicopter, the Robinson 44,

during a fucking game. He looks like he's not even 500 feet off the fucking ground.
Flies right over the fucking stadium.

And I, with my limited knowledge of aviation, realize that when there's a big event like that, it's an automatic temporary no-fly zone an hour before and an hour and after the game.

I believe that what it is, if not two hours before and after, right? This fucking jerk off flies right over the fucking stadium. I'm sitting there with my buddy going, that didn't look like a copper.

You can't, I don't think you can fucking do that. I'm just a novice, but I do not think you could do that.
This fucking Jerkoff comes by again. He's on his side showing all the passengers down in it.

And then like two seconds later, like a police helicopter comes flying over.

I don't know if he got in trouble or what,

but

I don't know. I know some pilots listen to this shit.

I don't ever pretend to know anything about that stuff. As far as my limited knowledge, you are not allowed to do that.

God forbid something happens and then you fucking land on 25,000 people watching fucking Jay Cutler, right, with keg booze coming out of his pores going up against the other guy from Ash Wednesday, right?

Are these Kansas City Chiefs for real?

So I fucking got a taxi on the way down

and then on the way back I called the car service. And I'm fucking telling this guy, I'm like, meet me at 184 in Avalon.

All right, there's a Kentucky fried chicken right next to a donut place. Can you fucking meet me there, right?

So the guy's like, yes, I come down.

All right, great, great, right? So we get down there, right? The game ends. I walk out there.
4.15, he's supposed to pick me up. At 4.30, I call the guy up.
He's like a fucking city block away.

Everything's going good. Then all of a sudden, the cops are everything.

They're like, Uber and Lyft.

192 walk down walk down to 192, right? And I'm sitting there going, well, I'm not Uber or Lyft car service.

I'm like these guys are gonna fuck with me so I try and call this guy I call the guy up and I keep telling the guy he's going okay I'm a block away I'm a block away and I'm going yes yeah I forget it the Kentucky the KFC I'm going no no no no no no KFC now no KFC There's a donut shop right next door.

I'm going to walk over to see if you can turn in there. And he goes, okay, okay, KFC.
I'm going, no, no. Listen, I'm walking over.

I'm walking over. All right, forget it.
You can't walk into the donut place. I'm going to go down to 192 in Avalon.
He goes, okay, the parking lot, KFC. He just kept saying that like a prank show.

And I'm literally getting angry,

yelling, no, 192 and Avalon into my phone. And like people with kids are turning around looking at me.
So I'm trying to put more of a happier tone in my voice, and it's just not working.

And he just kept going, okay, KFC parking lot. I come, no, 192 in Avalon.
And then I finally go, dude, just repeat it, repeat it. He goes, yes, yes.
I go, repeat what I said. He goes, 192, Avalon.

I go, fine, fine. And then, like, he calls me back, okay, I'm pulling into the donut shop.
And I'm going,

I finally had to fucking take a picture of 192 in Avalon and send it to the fucking guy. Then he showed up, right? And he was the greatest guy ever.
Greatest guy ever.

And I was like, all right, you know what? Maybe I got a little emotional. Okay, there's 25,000 people walking up and down the goddamn street here.
I don't know what to do here. Maybe, you know,

I don't know what. But I will tell you, when I was at the game,

when I was at the game,

these people in front of me, I've never seen this before, were drinking, what's that Mexican beer that begins with

an M?

Begins with an M.

It's fucking gold, right?

It looks like a trophy. Looks delicious, especially after 32 days of not boozing.
So these people in front of me are drinking this shit out of a can, and they had this shit on top.

I'm like, what the fuck is that?

Is that crushed red pepper flakes? What is it? This guy next to me goes, chili powder. They put chili powder around the top because I don't like it.

I'm like, is that like white people putting a lime in a fucking corona? He goes, yeah, it's something like that. He goes, you know, I don't really like it.
I was like, well, I got to try that.

I mean, not right now, but eventually I'm going to try that.

It looked like the shit that you put on, you know, that are the warning tracks of these new baseball stadiums that's sort of sand and sort of rubber. That's what it looked like from fucking far away.

So that guy proceeds to get absolutely plastered. And after three fucking

quarters, he comes back up and yells to the crowd that they stopped serving beer at the start of the fourth quarter. And he's yelling about how dumb it is.

And that's one of those moments where it's good that I also wasn't drunk because I would have been like, yeah, buddy, you're the reason.

You're the fucking reason they do that because you can't hold your alcohol. Look at you.
You're a a fucking mess. So I actually went to this game and this is like a record for me.

I didn't have any booze and I didn't eat any of the shit food. I had like two handfuls of fucking peanuts and drank like three waters.
That's it.

Because I can't be a fat fuck on this thing, you know? So

I fucking go downstairs to take a piss, right?

And there's this fucking guy just yelling at the police. And there's like two cops there and then there's three and then there's five and I'm walking by.

I go down, I take a piss and I come back

and there is like half the police forces standing there and it's this white dude screaming at all of these cops.

Screaming, you got to do something. Go up there and do something.
Another white guy's yelling, dude. It was like total white guy moment, like yelling at fucking 20 cops.

He's not getting the shit kicked out of him. And they actually listened to him.

They went up and they kicked two guys out.

And the other guys were like really fucking like, oh, all right. They just sort of left.
I don't know what they did.

I don't know what the fuck they did. It was the weirdest thing.
It was the two guys screaming, looking like the ones that were going to get fucking arrested.

Like, we're demanding that these cops go up and do something. And then they finally fucking did.
And they threw these guys out. It's a really bizarre day.
But once again,

a phenomenal fucking sports experience if you go there. So

I apologize. A lot of this shit is going to be all sports stuff.
That's kind of what I did this weekend. I kind of hung out with my daughter and I just watched a bunch of sports.
And

did anybody

put on the NFL network and watch Dan Marino a football life?

It was fucking amazing. But like you can't do the Dan Marino story in fucking 30 minutes.
That should have been an hour and a half long at least.

And as much as he, I feel like he finally got his fucking due, as you're watching Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Brett Farf, all of them saying, this was the guy, this was the fucking guy.

Them finally putting to bed this whole thing that, you know, that because he didn't win a Super Bowl, like that's some sort of like

black markup against the guy's fucking name. The guy,

he was so ahead of his time. He was such an unbelievable fucking quarterback.
It took 25 years, a quarter of a century, and a massive change in the rules.

of passing and how you could defend against the pass for people to start fucking with what this guy did from 1983 on.

He was unbelievable. You know what kills me is his dad taught him how to throw.
Ball comes, the arm comes up, ball comes out.

And I can't even tell you how many times as a Patriots fan we played him twice a fucking year. I thought Andre Tipp had had him.

His arm with the football would still be at his waist and Andre was bringing his fucking arm down to get him and somehow his arm would come up and it'd be out. 40 yard fucking laser.

Oh my God, he used to kill us. He used to kill us.
For all you young dolphin fans out there that fucking hate Tom Brady,

you know, because he's been beating your ass two games a year for like almost his whole career, just about,

that's payback for Dan Marino.

I'm telling you, Dan Marino today in his prime would easily throw for over 6,000 yards, easily.

And if you could actually win without having a running game, which you can nowadays, the way the fucking game has changed, he would have at least one Super Bowl ring, okay? I'm telling you.

One of my favorites of fucking all time, and I'm glad they finally did the football life, and I think it was at least an hour too short. All right, there you go.
I've said my piece.

That's coming from a Patriots fan, too.

And when he played, I fucking hated him because he killed us. I didn't really hate him, but you know what I mean.
I wasn't pleased with him.

All right, let me do a little bit of the...

Something has to break up this sports talk, guys. I got to do the fucking.
I got to do the reads here.

Here's a new category I wanted to start, and I should really fucking know this guy's name. I want to start a new thing to write in, okay, so this podcast doesn't get any more stale than it already is.

Is

your favorite performances by non-stars in movies where you and your friends still quote it? It's an unknown fucking actor, and you may never even saw him again. Never even seen the person again.

So me, I'm going to kick it off. I don't even know this actor's name.
Let me look this up. He was in Reservoir Dogs, cop

buddy

actor. Let's see if I can find the name of this guy.

I don't know what this fucking guy's name is. I got to give him a shout out.
You know, I'm going to hit pause because I want to give this guy a shout out.

Okay.

Unknown,

unheralded actor.

As far as I know, Rich Turner in Reservoir Dogs.

It's one of my favorite fucking just one-scene

actors.

I don't know. I don't watch a ton of movies, but I fucking love this guy.
He plays the cop in the bathroom when, what's his face?

Tim Roth is sitting there with all the drugs, and he comes out, and there's a

dog sniffing, the drug-sniffed, dog-sniffing, drug-sniffing dog.

See, he was in pulp fiction too.

Meaning, also, yeah, he wasn't in a lot of movies, but he plays my way he's being the cop and he's telling that story, just the way he,

like the line, I said, buddy, I'm going to shoot you in the face if you don't put your fucking hands on that dashboard. That's just the way it's written.
And the way he did it, he goes, I said, buddy,

I am going to shoot you in the face.

If you don't put your fucking hands on that dashboard, just the way he said it. I don't know why that sounds exactly like a fucking cop to me.

So that was like something, just me and my friends.

We would be fucking hammered, striking out with chicks, and you'd just be walking out to your car, and one of you invariably would just go, buddy, I am going to shoot you in the face.

And everyone would just start laughing. You don't put your fucking hands in that dashboard.
Who are your favorites?

Who are your favorites? They just had that one thing. Your fucking friends, you still quoted.
Man, I used to know a bunch of those. There's obviously a zillion guys.

There's a zillion lines in fucking

Goodfellas. By the way,

rest in peace, Frank Vincent. The first big guy to go

from Goodfellas, man. I mean, what an absolute legend.
What an absolute legend.

He was as amazing as an actor as his hair was. What a head of hair that guy had.
Good Lord.

Jesus Christ, what a head of hair that guy had. His whole friggin' life.
That's what you say when you're bald. You fucking see that on people.
Look at that guy.

I don't know if I ever had that hair.

Some people, you know, some people, they just fucking, I don't know what genes that guy has. That guy, he must have had a Roman emperor or something in his fucking family tree.

Incredible actor.

And so goddamn funny. Comedic timing was incredible.

I even loved that commercial he did. I think his only line was, oh, and that guy was like stalking up the freezer and he was disrespecting him.
He and his buddy just kept going, oh, oh.

Definitely going to miss him. And that was definitely somebody on my bucket list.

You know, I get in a movie. I have like fucking two, three lines, but that was definitely a bucket list to ever be able to do a scene with him.
And what was so cool, Michael Rappaport,

quite possibly the funniest guy in social media right now with his fucking videos are so goddamn funny.

He actually posted a picture on his Twitter account. You should check it out.
I think it's at I Am Rappaport, and it's him working with Frank Vincent in the early 90s.

It was like really early on, and he got a picture of him shining Frank Vincent's shoes. And he said, at one time, Frank Vincent

made me go home and get my shine box. And what I love was a lot of of people now can look back on it as a classic, and everybody's quoted it a zillion times.

But Rappaport already knew, go home and get your fucking Shine Bucks. He was on that shit early.

Fucking early 90s.

They've barely done editing it. He already knew that that was an instant fucking classic.
I got to get him back on the podcast again. He has so many amazing stories.

Anyways,

let's get back. Let me finish this fucking.
I had to break up the podcast reading. I mean, the advertising reading.

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All right.

All right, well, let's get back to what the fuck. Okay, Formula One.
Did you think I wasn't going to talk about Formula One? Would you think I was going to talk about how

Mississippi State fucking trouts my LSU Tigers?

You know, know, another one of my favorite teams, SMU, giving away 56 pounds per player on the fucking offensive and defensive line against TCU. Come on, Frogs.

How SMU was whipping that fucking horn-toned ass for fucking the first half before they wore him down. They just leaned on him.

Do you think I was going to congratulate the Cleveland Indians on an unprecedented 22 in a row? Is that what you thought I was going to do?

You think I was going to do all of that and I wasn't going to talk about that Formula One race down in fucking Singapore? That race made me sick.

It's one of my favorite races of the year. It's at night.
It's in Singapore. It's one of the most beautiful, amazing, slash kind of freaked me out cities I've ever been to in my life, slash countries.

It really is one of the most beautiful, like amazing fucking city where you just feel like your overbearing parents are home all the time.

It was fucking raining. It was night.
It was raining out. Okay, the Ferraris were running great.
Daniel Ricardo was running great. Mercedes wasn't doing that well.

You know, I don't know if Hamilton had a fucking, I thought it was all tied up. Maybe he was up by three points.
I can't remember.

But Ferrari needed to show up on this fucking day.

All right?

And if you watched when they were doing the time trials on Saturday and you saw what it was like trying to drive behind somebody doing 150, 60, 70, 80 fucking miles an hour with that fucking

rooster tail of water coming up, I mean,

it was was going to be an unbelievable fucking race.

God knows whoever's in fucking first place, and then first turn is going to win the goddamn race.

All right? So Sebastian Vettel, the Ferraris, they get first and third.

All right? With Daniel Ricardo and the Red Bull is in second fucking place. I believe that's the way it was, right?

Fucking Mercedes are back in fourth and fifth.

So the goddamn race starts.

All Ferrari has to do. All he's got to do is just make it to the first turn in first fucking place unscathed.
He's going to win this fucking race. Okay?

Worst case scenario, Hamilton gets fucking second place. That's only 18 points.
Fettle's going to get 25. He'll pick up fucking, you know, whatever.
What is that? Seven points.

The fucking race starts.

Kimmy Reagan, he acted like fucking Greg Brady

when the pressure was on to beat Marsha. Got to get close to that quarter of an inch.
He fucking stomps on the gas, tries to go around.

Oh, I'm sorry, it was Max Verstapen, not Daniel Ricardo, tries to go around the guy. Their fucking tires get all fucking

in a lot there, and they fucking go up and over.

He fucking

fucks up his car,

slams the fucking Red Bull car into his fucking teammate,

the other Ferrari.

Vettel makes it to the first turn, unscathed. Meanwhile, fucking, not unscathed, but he makes it there, but his car's fucked up.
It got hit in the back.

Meanwhile, fucking Lewis fucking Hamilton, he drives right around the shit. Right as he's sneaking by, fuckhead comes back in with his fucked up car, Greg Brady, right?

Smashes in

to the fucking Red Bull guy again and who does he hit? He hits the fucking Alfonso in the fucking orange car trying to do the exact same thing as Lewis Hamilton.

But Lewis Hamilton's the Derek Jeter fucking Starchild just blessed 3,000 hit, you hit a fucking grand slam. One of these guys

and fucking Vettel drives like, you know, two more turns and the whole front of his car comes off. Both Ferraris out of the fucking race.
They were in first and third place or first and fourth.

I can't, I don't remember.

They had him.

They had him and they let him off the hook.

They were both out of the race before it even fucking started.

And all I could think is what my dad used to always say when somebody would do something like that. You'd be like, Christ, this guy,

that guy, Christ, that guy, he could fuck up a free lunch. That's the first expression that popped in my head.
I think I tweeted it. I was so fucking pissed.
Ferrari could fuck up a free lunch.

I mean, that was a free lunch.

No one could drive fast that day. Mercedes weren't running well the whole fucking weekend.
So what do you do?

You take out yourself and your fucking teammate. You clear out the whole fucking front row

for fucking Lewis Hamilton, who just drives along unscathed. That guy, Lewis Hamilton, is a blessed man.
That's one of those deals. He's one of those guys who makes you believe in a higher power.

Like, this is somebody that just fucking loves it. I mean, I'm taking away all the preparation the man does, but,

you know.

He cuts around the outside, no problem. Alfonso goes through the same thing.
His fucking day's over. Unbelievable.
And then the rest of the race, they're riding around the fucking rain.

And Hamilton fucking wins. No problem.

Unfucking believable.

I wanted to see a race. I knew that Hamilton was going to try to fucking,

he wasn't going to be happy sitting in, you know, all the way back there, right? Who would be, right?

I wanted to see what the fuck he was going to do with his car not doing that well in all of that rain. Would he actually crash? I mean, you know, he's going to push it to the fucking limit.

All of that was out the second it started. Like, remember that year the Jets were supposed to be good in, like, fucking 99?

In, like, the first game, Vinnie Tester Verdi goes back and blows out his Achilles, and then Keyshawn was crying after the game?

That was the original. That's my quarterback.
That was the original.

That's what it was like. I still watched the fucking race.
It was still fucking...

It was still exciting, but Jesus Christ.

Anyways,

and then I also I watched the boxing that's all I did this weekend is I just fucking watched I'm writing an episode of Ephesus for Family so I just stayed in the whole fucking weekend when I wasn't writing I was just watching sports and

I'm not a big boxing guy just because I've gotten fucked over so many times on the pay-per-views

so forgive me if I fuck up the pronunciation is it Golovkin versus Canelo And

that took me back. That's what pay-per-view boxing used to be.
I'm not saying you you didn't get fucked every once in a while back then, but it was just, dude, it was fucking forehead to forehead.

It was a war. Feeling each other out, respecting each other, and all that shit.
And then the usual bullshit happened.

You know, how that fucking lady saw it 118 to 110. I mean,

Jesus,

I don't know shit about boxing. And I was like, what the fuck?

And I loved how Roy Jones in the fucking end goes, like, he goes, I love that it was a draw,

you know, because that means we get to see this again. And next time there's definitely going to be a decision and i i felt like i felt like he was

like they were like roy don't bring this up this is the illuminati script of boxing please don't bring this up that this this whole thing is uh

that it was going to be a draw if we had any way to make this thing be a fucking draw so we could do it again um

but it was great it was a great fucking fight it sucked i thought uh golovkin clearly won the fight um

i just thought he was backing him up the whole fucking time.

And I know Canel had some big shots towards the end, but Golovkin just fucking walked. He ate him all up.

He ate him up.

And he would back off for a second. He'd just come back, and then he would fucking give him, you know, if he took two, he'd come back and give him two.
I just thought,

you know, I don't know. I agreed with that fucking guy who screams all the time.
I'll die right now. I got the fight.
Nine rounds of fucking moon. That guy's always screaming.

Do they have him in the crowd so he can't hear himself? Does he not have headsets on? I love that he yells every fucking time.

I don't know. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
The decision obviously stunk, but I did not feel that I got fucked on my money. I feel like the fighters got fucked.

And I retweeted this rant that Teddy Atlas went on.

And

it was, you know, somebody has to say something. I just don't understand how it's still that corrupt.

It's just they've never, like, it was weird. Like, Vegas was totally corrupt and totally mobbed up.

And then they cleaned it it up by putting those corporations in there who then fucked you on everything, including the steak.

Why can't they clean up boxing? Can they get the mob out of there so that the corporations can come over on the legal side of stealing and fuck people more than they ever have? Maybe they have.

I have no idea. I don't understand it.

But

Teddy Atlas said,

I'm going to butcher it how he said it. He said, those guys went in the ring and came out less of who they were, meaning that you do

permanent damage to yourself.

I mean, when

they were breaking down the power shots and all of that type of shit, it's like I was watching Rogan's recap of it

with Jim Norton. And

Rogan read some stats where this guy, he took, okay, you know, here's the blue, his head. He took 118 punches to the fucking head.

I haven't taken 118 punches to the head in my life.

My older brother used to beat the shit out of me all the time, but we knew you kept it to the body. That's why your father wouldn't see it when you came home.

So, but other than that, I mean, it was

great. It was everything that I knew that Mayweather and

McGregor wasn't going to be. And that's why I didn't rent it.
And that's why I spent my money on that. I still got fucked.

But is Tommy Morrison still alive? Okay, I have to hit pause on this because I got to watch this shit.

He's a relative of fucking

John Wayne, in case you didn't know.

Sorry, he's a boxer back in the day.

All right. I got to read some of the

shit here for this week. I can't see anything here.
I'm doing this in my fucking living room.

We bought these things when we yet another thing I had to fix on this house. They had these fucking awful lights on the wall.
So we bought these sconces,

these really fancy fucking things, and the thing, the fancy thing in front of the light is so goddamn

thick that it, it always seems like it's on a dimmer. I probably should have just bought a higher watt bulb.

I don't know. This has got to be one of those moments where you're like, why the fuck am I listening to this guy? He's talking about the fucking light bulbs in his living room.
I'm sorry.

All right, DNA testing at Raven's game.

You know, bully. Dear Bill, I love the podcast.
Love you, stand-up. I love Episodes Efforts for Family.
Thank you.

I have to start promoting that at my stand-up shows, too, because I feel like a lot of people still don't know the shows on.

So if you get a chance, if you give the show, tell your friends about it and everything, just so we can continue doing the show, it would be awesome.

He said, I wanted to hear your opinion on this very weird giveaway at Sunday's Ravens game.

I'm a season ticket holder for the Ravens, and it's not unusual to get little freebies when you enter stadium. Commemorative coins, beer koozies, flags, etc.

Sunday is the home opener, and some company is giving away free DNA tests. So I guess this happened yesterday.
Free DNA test.

What are you trying to do? Figure out if you're a fucking human being?

And it's not even some ancestry.com type shit that could give you some semi-useful information. You're not getting any useful information from ancestry.com.
They're doing what this company's doing.

I don't know what they're doing, but they're not trying to help you out.

Do you really need to know how much Scottish blood you have in you? Do you really need, so what? You can do what? Go out and go feel justified buying a fucking kilt? You're not Scottish.

You're a mutt.

The article I linked says

they're testing for four genes.

The test offers insight into your mind, body, and health, is what they claim.

It seems like this company just wants a bunch of data, and they figured that an NFL game is a great way to get 70,000 mouth-breathing fucking morons.

That part was me.

70,000 people's DNA all at once. The company has also partnered with the 49ers, so testing might come to San Francisco soon.
What are your thoughts? Keep up the good work and go fuck yourself.

I think I know exactly what this is.

In the future, people's DNA is going to be, it's just starting to become a revenue source.

The way your phone number and all of this other shit that they get from you at CVS and all these fucking places, it was another revenue stream where you were buying shaving cream, tampons, whatever the fuck you were doing, and then they would get personal information from you that then they could then sell to other fucking companies.

I think it is now that they've exhausted all of that, they're now moving on to fingerprints, face recognition, and DNA.

And they're going to share this with everybody. And I know the robots are coming.
I don't know how to, I don't know where this all lands.

I know that there's talks in the future that human beings could be meshed with robots.

If I had to guess, they're probably going to get to the point where with your DNA, they can grow another you and say, well, that's not really you. The real you is going to the Ravens game.

So we're going to do all kinds of Nazi doctors, Nazi doctor-esque type experiments on this with the fucking robot before we release this to the public.

That's where I think it's going.

All right?

And, you know, I don't want my twin adult brother

coming into this world at 51 years of age, because I figure another two years they'll probably start doing it

and getting a fucking, you know, bionic arm put on as he's screaming in fucking pain. Because God knows they're not going to use fucking anesthetic.
Because that fucking

DNA version of you will be the property of a corporation and will have no rights to fucking

anesthetic.

Why don't I write sci-fi? You know, I did the whole fucking thing about how you had to take a test and if you flunk the test on the population control, you just walk into the ocean.

And now there's a movie coming out about that.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just not original.
Maybe I should start writing these fucking things. That sounds like a cool fucking movie, right?

You have to go save yourself.

You know, Hollywood do some fucking creepy happy ending where you're just staring there at yourself, touching each other's face, and everybody's fucking crying.

I don't know. You throw Will Smith in there.
Somehow it's a winner. All right.
Whiny fan complaining. All right.

Howdy, Bill. I'm a four-year podcast listener, and I saw you live in San Antonio early this year.

I think you're a hilarious guy, and obviously, it's your podcast, and I should go fuck myself, but I think your Trump positions are kind of unfair.

Oh, God, not another political fucking person. He did call himself out for being.

I think your Trump positions are kind of unfair. Well, then you think my Hillary ones are fair.
All right, God bless you.

I know you're just a comedian. I know you have a lot of fans in the quote real America.
Oh, there's the left talking down to the right.

Okay.

And so you have to toe a line.

Isn't this the classic? I really hope the person who wrote this is listening. Sir,

you are inventing all of this in your head because you're upset about something politically.

Okay?

Are you mad at what I'm talking about about Trump? Is that what this is?

You feel I have to toe some sort of fucking, what, liberal line because I'm out here in Hollywood?

But Trump is, to my mind, obviously a dangerous guy. I won't go through my whole list of

grievances, but he thinks climate change is a Chinese hoax,

supports white supremacists, and just this week threw the lives of 800,000.

Wait, I've got to make sure he didn't use any commas here. 8 million people

who were brought here as children into disarray.

I know every president has skeletons, but even a liberal like me,

oh, is it a Hillary person, can see this guy is nothing like WW

or George H.

Dude, when did I say I like this guy?

I never did.

I never said that I liked the guy. I just said people freaking out about him and losing their fucking shit.

I should have been more specific, like fucking white people acting like the needle in your life was going to change that fucking far. All right.
By the way,

you know, if you really want to see a bunch of skeletons, both of these people, I mean, this election was essentially 2 a.m. at a bar.
I mean, you had to go home with somebody, right?

Probably shouldn't have.

Listen, this fucking guy thinks climate change is a hoax. Fine, all right? Hillary was all for bailing out these fucking banks in 2008, which is exactly what the fuck happened.

And all these people who stayed in Florida, riding out the fucking storm, and everybody's making fun of them and saying how dumb they are for staying there, they're probably upside down in their house.

And unlike the bankers, don't have another house that they can go to

yeah evacuate the area and do what

go with half of the florida and sit in a fucking waffle house in georgia and then what i don't have enough gas money to get back i love the complete lack of sympathy for people that can completely fucked in 2008

um which hillary was totally all about

she was also all about fucking

You know, ignoring the wishes of the people on the left who voted more for fucking Bernie Sanders according to this trial

and colluded with the Democratic Party to ignore those votes and box Bernie Sanders out and she just took the nomination.

And now all of a sudden she's got the fucking balls to sit here and talk about the Electoral College.

Okay? She's not a good person either. And I'm not saying W is.
I told you I was done. I'm not saying W.
I mean sorry. Donald Trump.
I said I was done with Donald Trump

when he said that both sides contributed to the violence, that he couldn't even get himself to say that those Nazis might be a little out of their fucking minds, the neo-Nazis.

I told you I was done with the guy, okay? But you hate the guy so much, you're hearing what you want to hear. All right?

Maybe I don't trash Trump enough on this podcast, but I don't feel that I need to.

Everybody, at least in my profession, has a bit on how fucking stupid the guy is.

They're getting dry mouth talking about this shit. So I don't and for you to sit there, you fucking cunt, after four years of listening to my podcast, acting like I toe some sort of line.

Do you ever listen to my fucking advertising? I lose advertisers all the fucking time.

Okay, if I was towing some sort of line, I would read those things like I was on fucking Lawrence Welk, hype and Geritol. I don't.
Okay?

I toe a line as far as I say what the fuck I think is funny. That's the line that I am towing here, sir.
I'm sorry the guy that you wanted to fucking win didn't fucking win.

I know Trump's out of his fucking mind, and I don't need you wagging your fucking finger at me and give me a goddamn fucking lecture.

As if I don't understand that this guy is fucked up. Okay?

So why don't you look at

your own fucking skirt

and be a little more even-handed. All you fucking guys, I mean, I guess you got to whine about Trump because he's actually the fucking president, but Jesus Christ.
The fucking pass.

I don't know what the fuck it is that Hillary gets is unbelievable.

P.S. Hillary sucks.
That's all I get on this side.

You know, he said, look, man, I just think that despite what you're saying about being a comedian, you do have a platform. Fuck you, buddy.
Fuck you.

You're not putting that on me.

All right? I can tell you this right now, dude. If you get your political information from a fucking stand-up comedian who can't even read out loud,

you use this thing to decide who the leader of the quote free world is going to be. I can't help you.

What am I supposed to do? You know what I would say to you? Send your fucking DNA into the Ravens.

Anyways, you do have a platform, and while I'd never dare to tell you what to say, I hope you will consider what happens when you play down the danger of his behaviors.

Let me ask you this, sir. What exactly would be happening now if the other fucking bought and paid for fucking TWAT went in there? What do you think would happen?

What do you think would happen? Huh?

Do you honestly, while she admits that global warming is real, what do you think would happen?

Do you think she's going to do anything?

Most the most she could be in there for is eight fucking they just wait them out Al Gore in 1992 Said that there has to be a car that gets at least a hundred miles a gallon

by the fucking year 2000 something like that and he just kept delaying the project and delaying it and delaying it and delaying it and delaying it and then they were out of office and it just fucking went away

there you go

So I don't know what to tell you. I have to tell you, buddy, I always vote outside of the Democratic and the Republican Party, okay?

Unless I find somebody within them, like a Bernie Sanders, who I feel will actually hopefully make more people within those bought and paid for fucking groups,

I don't know, take a stand for fucking regular people. I mean, that's what I do, okay?

I don't like Trump. The guy makes me sick to my stomach.
I think he's, I absolutely think the guy's fucking racist,

but I also think Hillary is the fucking devil. And in a lot of ways, we sidestepped a bunch of other shit.

Okay? We walked into a bunch of other shit with Trump, but you definitely sidestepped a...

Come on, man.

Everybody, anybody with any remote sense of intelligence knows that,

you know, that was the fucking Blue Bonnet Bull. All right.
That wasn't the fucking...

That wasn't Alabama versus fucking Clemson or shit. That was,

you know, that was the holiday bull election. All All right.
Actual money-based, but I'm, you know,

I don't know. I don't know why you needed to send me that, dude.
You honestly think that I want to see fucking kids get sent out of this country? I don't.

I don't, okay? So stop turning me into the fucking.

You know what it is? Do you know why this country's fucked up? There's a guy who can't read out loud that does a podcast twice a week. And I'm telling you, that is...

If we could just get him

to politically say what we feel, I think we could turn this country around.

We're taking callers. I said, buddy, actual money based on gold.

Hey, Billy, gold bullocks.

That'd be great to have some gold bullocks in that fucking diamond-encrusted pouch. I was listening to Rogan's podcast recently, and he had a guy called Peter Schift on, and he was talking about

goldmoney.com. This is basically a private gold reserve where you can buy gold, which is held in a secure vault.
Oh, is it?

Listen, you give us our money, and

we'll hold your gold. Great, so they keep my cash and the gold? Do I got to send them a donkey too?

And using a prepaid MasterCard, you can pay for goods and services with your money backed by gold or platinum. If you'd rather buy that,

I would do that immediately or when the dollar crashes. Effectively, what the banks used to do

before they sold the foundations of our currency.

Here in the UK, Gordon Brown sold all the diamonds that backed Sterling when the bank shit the bed.

I don't know what any of that means. Here in the UK, Gordon Brown, who's Gordon Brown, or is that a bank?

Like fucking JP Morgan? Sold all the diamonds that backed Sterling when the bank shit the bed. Oh, okay.
So you got your money back? Is that what he's saying?

I just this minute signed up. This sounds like a commercial, and I'll be putting some money into it, although not all my money, as it's always best to diversify when you stash a saving.

I think it is much better than Bitcoin, as it's actually based on something of value. I love you and go fuck yourself.
Sir, why don't you just take your money and go buy a gold coin?

Why don't you just do that?

Why don't you take your paper and go buy some gold and leave with the gold rather than giving your money to this fucking person you're not going to meet and he tells you that he has how do you know there's gold there he's basically doing what they're doing with fort knox where they say there's all this gold in there and then there's rumors that it's fucking empty um i like the direction you're going in but uh i think you uh went out of the frying pan into the fire with that one Grant, I don't want to shit on whatever that guy's doing because I got your abridged version of it.

But that reminded me of that movie Blow, where Johnny Depp's character gives him $2 million in cash and they give him a book that says $2 million on it. Then he goes to jail.

He never gets his fucking money.

All right, my girlfriend's daughter is causing us to break up.

Is that a bad thing?

Jesus Christ, I mean, you're already dating somebody that already has a kid, so that's going to be already a hundred times harder to make that fucking work. And then the kid doesn't even like you.

So, I mean, maybe she's doing you a solid here.

Hey, Bill. Okay, here we go.
So, my girl and I, of seven years, both worked for the same company, and I was offered a better position in Florida. And she was also offered a position as well.

Now, here's where the daughter comes in and fucks up the flow. Yeah, because she fucking probably wants to stay at her school.
Her daughter's 14, is just starting high school, and is refusing to move.

And her mother is going along with not forcing her to move and is going to pass her.

is going to pass on her position. We agreed I will not move down and get things in order until she wait.
We agreed I will move down and get things in order until she gets there in four years.

Now for the past few weeks, we've been getting into more fights and her reasoning for the fight is, sit down for this one, Bill. She says it's easier for me to leave when she's mad.

She's fighting you because it's easier for you to leave when she's mad. I think that's the dumbest fucking reason I've ever heard.

Also, she keeps saying I'm I'm going to go down and find myself some black ass and end up cheating on her while I'm there.

Would love to get your take on this situation and get your insight on what I should do. Thanks.

And pick up a fucking drink, you pussy fuck.

I would say

I'd say there's a staggering lack of trust.

I think the key here is to not get into an argument with her, is to just sit down and try and discuss it with her and just say, listen,

we agreed that this is what I was going to do. And now

what it is, is I know I think this is what happened. What she did was, is she did what was best for her daughter, and she put herself with you in second.

But she still sounds like cares about you. And the fact that you're down there, she's worried that you're going to leave and she misses you.
I think that that's what's happening.

So I would just ask her, is this some like

misdirected anger where you're actually just saying that you miss me and you love me?

Is that what you're saying here? We could work through this.

And then if you're really not going to fuck around with Honor and you're really going to see it through, then you ought to be able to just say, listen, I'll do whatever it takes.

I'm going to be there in four years. If you're not lying, I think you ought to be able to work your way through it.

And I think this has less to do with the daughter than it has to do with the fact that she just misses you. And she's afraid that you're going to find somebody else down there

evidently wherever you moved, where there's a bunch of black ass down there.

That's what I would guess. So you guys need to get on the same page and you need to have an honest moment with yourself before you fucking slowly tear the band-aid off.

Either get the fuck out of it or totally commit to her.

I mean, seven years at this point, why aren't you dropping a fucking ring on her?

That ought to shut her up for a good couple of weekends.

It won't shut her up permanently. I can tell you that right now.
Oh, I can tell you some stories. Oh,

can I tell you some? Oh, sit right back in here, a tale, a tale of a married guy who jumps through all the fucking hoops and still gets the evil eye. All right, my wife.

My wife is a who

dear Billy Buttertitz. Fuck you, I'm losing weight.

My wife, my wife, decided to have an affair four months ago.

Oh boy, before I knew what was going on, she told me she didn't know if she wanted to be married to me anymore, and that it was because I was too controlling.

And by controlling, she means I told her

as a stay-at-home mom, I had expectations. I expected her to keep the house clean and take care of our children, as we agreed when she quit her job.

Yeah, I mean, which is a totally fair

ask,

you know, but nowadays in this world of hyper-fucking feminism, not all feminists are bad, but the fucking, the

God is great, fucking crazy ones there.

Yeah, they would say that that was sexist that, you know, well, why don't you work all fucking day and then come home and also

have the house clean. You know what I mean? I mean, look, if you got a bunch of kids, it can only be so fucking clean.
But the least you could do is order a pizza right

anyways I would come home to her friends being at the house and her drinking all afternoon well Jesus Christ she's not even making an effort

this is what happens when you draft in the first round buddy you know you get those second rounders they they got something to fucking prove you know this is what happens when you marry a 10 I'm assuming she's good looking if you're putting up with this shit I would get home from work after being gone 15 hours and have to say something about how I felt that the house was a wreck and there was no dinner in sight.

It never seemed to matter. Back in January, we moved to Denver from Atlanta, thinking everything would be better.

And she met this 25-year-old guy who she proceeded to sneak around behind my back with and bring our children around. No way.

I'm 38 and she's 35. We have two children and we've been married for almost 12 years.
Yeah, dude. Yeah, this is a wrap.

Yeah, and now she wants a divorce and plans to move this kid into our home with our children. Oh my god, dude.

This is the worst person ever. I am beside myself with the thought of the divorce and this punk kid living with my children.
Oh my god.

I know it won't last, but the fact is I don't want my children to be around this piece of shit, let alone living in my house.

She thinks this is perfectly okay to put the kids and I through this. I do love her and would do anything to save our marriage, but the truth is she is delusional at this point, and I guess I am too.

What do I do to stop this? I know this is not my fault because I busted my ass to build the life she always dreamed of, only for her to think she can kick me out of it.

Any advice and or the lovely Nia you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Yeah, man. I mean, this is the things.

This is what can happen to a guy.

But you're not allowed to talk about this on television, are you?

Never, never, never. You can talk about guys being overbearing, domestic violence, all those things that should be brought to light, but they will not talk about this.

You watch Dr. Phil talk about this, you watch him blame the guy.

So she's saying the reason that she sucked his cock was because you weren't paying enough attention to her.

You need to try to pay attention more to her

while she's sucking his dick.

What do I do to stop this? I don't know.

At this point, I would be thinking about my kids

and how I could

make this as

Look dude, this is what the fuck she wants to do. This is what the fuck she wants to do.

How you make this as easy a fucking transition, your fucking divorce. I can tell you this.

I know you called her a whore here. Don't ever say that to your kids.
Because at the end of the day, it's still their mother, and you got to fucking,

you know,

you got to look the other way.

I don't know, dude. This is outside my fucking realm.

I can tell you this, dude. You're fucking 38 years old.
You sound like a great fucking guy.

I would just, whatever you got to do for your kids, I would do that. Her is a fucking lost cause.

All right.

And I would,

yeah, I would do that. And I would start P90X and go out and get yourself a fucking beautiful, good-hearted fucking woman.

Maybe even if you have time, I would go to therapy and figure out how the fuck you ended up,

unless she's just a total psycho. Like,

so you don't go out and fucking marry that again.

Figure that out. What the fuck? I'm trying to marry you off already.
Jesus Christ, you're just getting out of something. I don't know, dude.

This is my head spinning over this one because I'm putting myself in your shoes. I don't know what the fuck I would do.

Oh man, that's a rough one. Some other fucking guy going in

telling you kids to pipe down. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah, I would, I would, uh,

I would talk to somebody about this way beyond my fucking educational level. That's what I would do.
I hope you get through this thing and

what a fucking mistake she's making.

I can tell you that. But she, the way you described it, granted, I only get your side of it.
She does not sound like the kind of person that even when she does fuck it up, she'll admit it.

She'll probably still put it on you. And

but you know what? It'll all come out in the wash, and your kids are going to know that you're a fucking good guy.

So, whoa, geez,

can we end on that? I don't know.

I don't think so. Hang on a second.
Nia.

Okay, my fault. I thought she could come on.

She can't. She's got to do mommy duty.
I got to have her back on more, man. Miss having her on here.

Anyways,

that's the podcast for this week.

How about those Dolphins? 1-0, top of the AFC East.

You know, Patriots, 1-1 in second place.

It's still early. Kansas City looking fucking tough.

What else? Cowboys defense is in shambles. Bret Ernst called me or text me all fucking concerned about that.
But it's still early. It's still fucking early.
We'll see what's going on.

My beautiful daughter's crying downstairs, so I'm going to go handle that shit.

And literally and figuratively, God knows,

that's it.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. Enjoy the Monday night football game tonight.
And once again, congratulations to the Cleveland Cleveland Indians. 22 in a row.
I've obviously never saw that ever.

That's fucking incredible.

It's almost won in a month's worth of games. Yeah, Bill, there's 30 days in a month, and they almost play every day.
Yeah, thank you, Bill. All right, go fuck yourselves.
I'll talk to you on Thursday.

What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast for NFL week number three.

Everybody's hurt, guys, and the season has flipped upside down.

I'm your host, Paul Verzee, over here. You got Bill Burrow over there.
We have the injury report, as always, with Jake the Snake and the Greek freak, Andrew Themlis in Beverly Hills. Um,

dude, Joe Burrow, I just got to talk about this because every year I pick a team to really make noise. I'm saying Joe Burrow and the Bengals are going to

go toe-to-toe with the Ravens and the Bills, and poor Joe Burrow is out. Bill, not for a week or two, months, months.
What happened? Ah, Jake,

jake what happened to him uh isn't the story isn't the story i know there's a lot of big nfl stories but how about i've done almost the impossible

i haven't had a win in two weeks i'm 07 and one

so i just hope all you guys

dude if you realized i didn't know what i was talking about early this season

Bill, I'm just on last season and the season before. You have made a lot of money betting against me.
Bill, I'm two and six.

The show is not off to a start this year what can you say yeah but you always do that

and then october comes you're mr october on this and then you start spanking that book he has in november you do this

paul you have a flair for the dramatic i've always been uh billy win some lose some yeah you're steady eddie i'm the two and two kid you're hey you know maybe what i said happens maybe it doesn't i nothing no

i'm all right in the playoffs but i the regular season i i do

All right, Jake, Jake the Snake is back. Jake, what happened to Joe Burrow and what is the time frame on this guy?

Yeah, unfortunately, he basically fractured his toe in that Bengal game. So they call it turf toe, but like when you actually look it up, it's really just a lot more serious than the name.

So he's gonna be out, they said three months. So, I mean, that's pretty much the entire season.
And our friends have over there. Wait, turf toe is a broken toe.

All of these years, I thought there was something about playing on Astro Turf that gave you some sort of toe planter fischeritis that it was some special thing. They break their toe, dude.

It's no turf anymore. Maybe that's what it is.
It basically shut down, it shut down Deion Sanders' last few years of his career.

Deion Sanders, like they kept saying turf toe, and I never knew what it meant. I was like, Can't they just fix that? But it, like, it's, I guess it's bad.
Is it like tennis elbow, but with your toe?

It's like the ligament, and now he lost his toe. He doesn't have that toe.
He got his toes off because his toes are off. Yeah.

Dion, Dion does not have three toes on that foot. Time out.
I want to hear from the fucking rugby people now over in England. I'm so sick of them saying like these,

bro, a bunch of fecking pussies. It's just like, dude, when I guys, when I guys have done, I've seen a guy had his foot removed, toes cut off, Ronnie Lott, his finger cut off.

People

suicide. I don't, does that happen after you play rugby?

Oh, Bill, you know what what we got to talk about?

I hope not.

I'm glad that we watched this. Bill and I, at the same time, we're watching, we got to talk about the Canelo

Bud Crawford fight. First of all, dude, watching two Hall of Famers go at it and everybody's saying Canelo's going to win, including Max Kellerman,

who called the fight. Everybody's saying Canelo's a heavy favorite.

Dude, Terrence Crawford's game plan to let him walk him in the corner and then run out and combo and the defense, dude, that was as good of a fight bill how great was that yeah he was too good of

a boxer what amazed me is that canelo was cutting off the ring like he always does and he would get in that this he was just too fast i was thinking you know monday morning quarterback because i guess canello i mean i don't know about boxing but i guess canelo never jabs he's more of a counter guy yeah like that might have been you know if they fight again

if he developed a jab

as opposed to just standing because that guy was so quick A couple times he got him with his classic left hook to the body, but he kind of figured that out.

But in the sixth round, when he just smiled after, like, I got this guy, it was like,

and then he just started standing there, kind of showboating a little, not showboating, he wasn't like disrespectful, but like, um, I also love that Canelo like will fight a guy,

you know,

that that is

has that much left in the tank that is 42-0 or whatever he was. Yeah, you know, that's the thing that kind of hurt boxing for a long time.

It was just like guys ducking other guys and ducking them and ducking them and ducking them and then building up these wins, fighting bums.

I loved it though, but just as far as like

the strategy of it, I can't tell you how many times I've seen that though. I kind of feel like a boxer

usually wins that matchup. If they have a chin, if they can sustain it.
But I mean, I understand why people pick Canelo just because he kept, like, you know,

Crawford kept moving up in weight. So usually what happens is they're just not strong enough with that extra 20 pounds or something that they behind the punch to take, I guess.
I don't know.

Yeah, that's what they said. Like that Terrence Crawford went up two weight classes and they were like, dude, it's going to exhaust him.
But he kind of was ready for it.

And I thought it was great for, dude, that's the first time I watch a boxing match in years where I go, oh, boxing is the best.

Like, I love boxing again because, you know, UFC usually has them all the time but um good for that guy man what do you know if joe biden starts showing up to every major boxing thing and everybody starts chanting usa

just so they can balance it out

and how weird is it the bruge fighting becomes like cnn and fox news and dude bruce buffer and his brother uh what's the other one's name

they're both oh uh michael buffer michael buffer and bruce buffer both having those jobs in those different organizations is really wild and then they start a point counterpoint political talk show because Paul, you can't get away from it as much as you try.

Try watching sports. Try watching a talk show.
Try going for a walk. Yeah.
It's just fucking, this just in.

We're all doomed. It's like, can I just get away from it? I know.
If you're not going to fix it, can I, can I, can I just, you know, can I walk out of the room for a second?

That's, that's what sports are for. That's what sports are for.
It was. that's that's what nf now there's politics and women in them and it there's nowhere to go

it's water world it's water world it's

uh all right bill burr is gonna get off the schneide jake give us the report who is out this week other than joe burrow because it's dude i should be suspended indefinitely

How come no bookies are coming for me?

Who you got? The bookies love me. What am I talking about? Yeah, so the

Vikings quarterback JJ McCarthy is going to be out for a few weeks as well with the high ankle sprain. And then why are you wearing a red shirt? Are you trying to say something politically?

I think it matches my hair a little bit.

Now, why do you think Joe Burrow got a turf toe? Do you think it was the liberals or the conservatives?

Who put down that turf?

Yeah. I want to know.
All right. We need answers.

Yeah. So then Justin Fields for the Jets is also out for the concussion.
So those are the quarterbacks that are kind of out. Jaden Daniels? Jaden Daniel.

Yeah, we're not sure about Jaden Daniels, but I think the books feel as if he's not going to play because that number has gone from, it opened at seven and a half and now it's three and a half.

So I think they feel like he's out. But I think they think Brock Purdy is going to play because

the Niners are pretty decent-sized favorites. So there's a chance Brock Purdy comes back, but we're just not sure yet.

Oh, dude. So we got quarterback.
No Burrow, no Jaden Daniels, no J.J. McCarthy, no Justin Fields.
All right.

This is backup quarterback Sunday here.

Paul, I'm going for it, man. Oh, you're going for it? No, I just feel like I feel like the fans are behind me in that they're betting opposite.

So I think I just might do this. Well, you might do this for them.
I might go

for it.

Oh, by the way uh first time i like how i'm acting like i'm trying to do this i'm trying to pick winners no by the way bill first time in anything better history back-to-back monday night specials hit first time in history back-to-back goose eggs

i did have the tie you had a half you had a half but you go first uh paul paul you got a good heart you got a good part not rubbing my nose in it um

oh paul i mean i i did i feel like i'm at the dmv right now trying to look at the eye chart so I don't have to wear glasses to drive a car.

That's the level of confidence. I fucking picked against my Patriots, and they come out and play a hell of a game.
How about that Stevenson kid, that running back we got? Yeah.

Dude, he was running over people. And at one point, dude, he's running in the flat full speed.

And Drake May threw one with not a lot of air under it. I'm telling you, like 15, 20% of the receivers in the NFL might have dropped it.
And he caught it on the run as a running back.

Reminds me of Roger Craig. Is Roger Craig not in the NFL Hall of Fame?

I don't think he is. I don't think he is.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.
First, you got to listen to me pick games, and Roger Craig's not involved. Paul, what I'm doing right now is filibustering.

What do you think about your new patrons? I don't have any answers. What do you think about Rabel

so far? Well, so exactly. It's two games now.
It's like I just saw a comedian. He's opening for me.
He's done two jokes. Okay, that makes sense.
This is what I think so far.

All right, you know, we're one and one. Okay, yeah, that's fair.
Listen, dude, I would say go 500, but mathematically, that's impossible now because there's 17 games.

But if we win eight,

seven or eight, I'm not even saying nine, Paul.

Not even saying nine. I would be happy that it's turned around.
We have targets now.

Drake may can extend plays. He can run, which we haven't seen since I think Steve Grogan at the quarterback position.
Wow. We have had some of the slowest.

Tom Brady, Drew Bledso, Tony Eason,

no wheels.

No one's had wheels since Jimmy Carter was in the office. All right.
I'm just going to pick a team just so I can shut up and give everybody a goddamn break.

Oh, Paul. Why am I going to do this? You know why? Because it's funny.
I'm going to bet the fucking Thursday night game and I'm going to lay 11 and a half points.

And I'm just going to say that the Bills and the Dolphins are who they're showing. We are.

Mike McDaniel, Daniel, the cocaine cowboy man, we shouldn't be saying that. You know, that's

a yeah. It's a joke.
It's a joke.

He looked like he could get it. If you needed, he could get it.

He knows a guy.

Hey, we kind of like the party.

All right, man. Hang on a second.
He'd be real cool about it, too.

He would be smart enough, too, not to get it himself. I'll text you later.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later. Let me check the analytics.
See if I can get you that eight ball.

All right, I'm going to take the bills. Oh, no excuse to watch a goddamn game tonight.
There you go. Oh, by the way, Roger Craig is a candidate in the seniors category of the Hall of Fame.

It's the most ridiculous thing. He literally showed people the future.

I remember he ran out of his socks. Remember that? Because his socks would fall down, and they say he ran out of his socks.
I remember that in a playoff game.

His socks would always fall down to his ankles. And they go, he's so good.
He runs out of his socks. Roger Craig.
running backs could not catch passes other than like Walter Payton.

Like, they just had hands of stone. It was like, once you became a running back, I don't think anybody threw you a pet, maybe a screen pass.

Yeah, this guy was running patterns in the 80s, doing what all of these kids are doing now.

All right, I think he should be in. I think it's an abomination,

an abomination, he's an abomination. All right, I'm taking the bills, Paul, laying 11 and a half, laying 11 and a half.
I'm starting down big, just like my record this season.

I see these quarterbacks being out. All right.

Well, that's why I didn't listen, Paul. I'm just going with my gut.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take, because they look good.

They're at home. Jim Harbaugh got them 2-0.
Justin Herbert looked good. I know it's a division rivalry, but I like the three points.

I am going to take the Los Angeles Chargers at home to beat the Broncos by three. Oh, Oh, Paul, you're going back to your old girlfriend.
I can't leave. You ran into her at the mall.

She's looking good.

She was nice.

Why did we even break up? What happened again? She was nice to me. I just

saw her at a kiosk. We were both getting a new cell phone case.
I was just going to say that.

All right. I'm an idiot, Paul, and I'm going to take the 49ers.
Ooh. Two and a half.
Laying two and a half.

Stop that water bug running around there. They're at home.

They're at home, you know. They're out there in Levi Stadium, which used to be a roller coaster, and they stuck a fucking stadium in the middle of it.

All right, am I going to do this? I am going to do this. I'm going to the game.
I'm going to be there Sunday night with my son.

I'm going to Sunday night football with my son, New York Giants, getting six and a half against a Chiefs team that has not shown much. It's a must-win, Paul.
it's a must-win for both.

I like the Giants' defense. Russell Wilson almost 500 passing yards last week.
Malik neighbors, our defense is good.

Not saying, just for the record, I'm going to do a little homage to Jimmy the Greek here. Rest his soul.

Not saying, because Jimmy the Greek was saying, I'm not saying it's going to be a win, but I like the three. I'm saying I like the six and a half points in this game.

Do I think the Giants win it outright money line? I don't love that. I like the six and a half points.
God forbid we lose.

I could see it being a heartbreaker by three, but give that Giants defense the points. I'm taking my New York Giants with me and my son in the building.

Is your coach's last name Dabble?

Dable.

Dable. I thought I was like, Danny, I dabble a little in coaching.

Dable, Brian Dable. All right.
Yeah. And what is it? Kyle Shanahan.
All right.

You know, let's look at the other side of the ledger here, Paul.

I'm gonna pick two favorites, and I'm gonna pick two underdogs.

Um,

I kind of like the Chiefs minus six and a half, but what I don't like doing is rooting for the Chiefs. I did that once this year, and it just hurt my stomach doing it, watching them doing their little

dink and dunk down the field. I just, that brand of football, you know, I'm not into it.

All right, so I'm going to take,

oh, no, Bill, don't do it. Am I going to take Sneaky Pete and the Raiders to go into Washington after the Commanders lost to what did they lose to the Vikings last? No.
Who did they lose to?

The Vikings played the Falcons. Who do the Commanders lose to? Oh, the Packers.

Thursday football. Commanders had a nice fucking...
They're going to have a nice 10-day rest.

I don't know. I just.

I wasn't impressed with their quarterback. LSU kid.
Yeah, Jaden Daniels. And he's actually banged up.

You know what? I'm gonna take Sneaky Pete and the Raiders to go in there.

I think Pete's gonna maybe swing by the White House and

say what's going on. Say hello to the to our king.

I like the half point there, Bill. I think the half point there is saving.
I like the half point. Listen,

he goes by the Pentagon. They uh they let him fly a fucking F-16, and then he uh

goes over to the Jefferson Memorial. He takes in the fucking blossoms.
Listen, Sneaky Pete will find a way to get a flight.

Sneaky Pete staying at the Watergate Hotel.

Sneaky Pete knows a guy for sure.

Doesn't storm the Capitol, Paul. Smiles.
Smiles as he comes up the stage.

They let him in. He shakes hands.
They let him in. They let him in.
He runs the stairs, Paul.

I love Pete Carroll Beck. He's my favorite quarter.
He's my favorite coach to tease.

Dude, I'm going to take for my next game. they just look good.
They find ways to win. The Jets are hapless, and the Jets are without Justin Fields.

I'm going to take Baker Mayfield and the Tampa Bay Bucks to not just beat the Jets. That's a great pick.
To stomp the Jets.

All right. I heard a little bit of your heart in there.

The two things I don't understand about New York sports is Yankees hating the Mets. It's different.
I just, I just, like, the fact that you even dignify them with hating them.

And then the Giants fan hates the Jets. They haven't won since we walked on the moon, Paul, allegedly.

Soundstage or not, Paul. It was on TV.
We're going to go with what happened. It was on TV.
That's, yeah. You know what, Paul? I'm going to choose to believe in something.

What's that?

That we went to the moon.

Oh, shit, dude. I actually have to take this.
Can we pause this one second? Oh, let's say something. I'll talk about something real quick that is real.

You never hear this

on a sports podcast. I went to a Broadway play.
Hi. I went to go see Bobby Conivali, James Corden, and Neil Patrick Harris in art.
Amazing. Great.
It was fucking amazing.

It was opening night.

I finally got to see Bobby, Bobby Broadway. Bobby Connavali.

Absolutely. Dude, they fucking, dude, they killed.

Like, I literally saw it, you know, now that I've done one, Paul, you know, I was sitting there going, like, I would love to come back and see this in about six weeks.

When, you know, because this is like,

if this is the performance when this shit is still new to them, dude, Corden did like a, does like a five-minute rant.

Like, I don't even know how you could memorize all those words. And in the end, his character sits down on the couch.
Dude, it got an applause break. It died down.

And then there was another applause break. Oh, dude, that's sick.
It was like a minute long.

Oh,

it's like the it's like louder than the applause that you get at the end of this football season every year when you beat the bookball.

Hey, not this year, not yet. Yeah, no, nothing, no intermission, and it's about 85-90 minutes.

So, if you're a guy, exactly, if you want to take your wife to something and get credit for going to Broadway, but you don't have to watch like Fosse and all of this shit, perfect.

I love it. Uh, I actually told her about it because you recommended it, and I think we're going to try to go.

Thanks, Paul. You know,

who am I? Yeah, you walk in through the kitchen, they fucking find a table for you, Bobby.

Bob, you remember? You could go from rags to riches

during the during the play. He goes like this to my table.

They break character.

They break character.

You just hear Stacey go, there was nothing like it.

Remember? Yeah. How do you know all these people? I'm in construction.

It just shows how dumb the wives were, right? I'm in construction. They're not dumb.
She goes, it doesn't feel like you're in construction. No, dude, first of all, they're not dumb.

They're practicing for when the feds show up and they can play dumb. Yeah.

Yeah, their whole thing is, I don't want to know. I don't want to know.
Don't tell me.

What did he say to her? Don't give me the babe in the woods. What did he say? Hey, Karen, don't give me the babe in the woods speech.
That's one of my, that's one of the most underrated. Oh,

that's great.

Like, I have to go too. I don't know, you know, like acting like she had no idea.
Yeah.

Your husband stays out all night and he comes home with like a gun belt of cash.

Not without your keys, you not.

All right. I think you go, Bill.

Oh, dude, I need to be replaced on this. I'm on the hot seat.

All right. I'm going to take the Colts.
Oh.

Minus three and a half playing the Titans,

going in there. And, you know,

old Daniel Jones. Billy taking points this week.
I like it. No, no, no, no.

I took two favorite. Taking points, Paul.

I'm laying 11 and a half with the Bills tonight.

I always bet the Thursday game this year because I like to get the first slap in the face out of the way. You know, it gives me a couple days to shake it off.
So when the next three come on Sunday,

I'm just struggling, dude. We're both struggling.
Paul, it's two weeks in. I already got three standing eight counts.

I'm doing this.

The ref's looking at you. The ref's like,

he's looking

trying to look at it.

Max Kellerman's going. I would stop it right now.

um

what do we what do I have one more pick Andrew

yeah

yeah okay all right

so with my fourth and final pick

oh my god dude that lions ravens game is so scary i can't touch it i'm not touching it don't worry i'm not touching i know you're touching i'm not touching it so what about the steelers I saw that one too.

I just, I just,

I don't know. Aaron Rodgers,

I think he's got a little more in the one and a half.

Well, as always, Paul, hats off to the bookies. Just picking that perfect number every goddamn week.
It's almost like they have a sea of computers

going up against.

I'm struggling with this last pick because it's between two games. Well, Paul, if you're struggling, don't be afraid to reach out for help.

In fact, anybody out there, if you're struggling,

call me and whatever I say, do the exact opposite the Browns and Packers I don't like I'll tell you what should I take part of the original NFL how could you say such a thing actually no they're not the Packers are the NFL should I take the Rams getting three and a half against the Eagles or should I take the Jaguars at home

you know Paul that's what makes America great I'm gonna take because you have choices like this

Jake are the Rams hurt nobody on the Rams is hurt right no Rams are good to go that that should be one of the the better games of the week uh i thought matthew stafford was going through a breakup is that not true

not true not true as far as i know i'm gonna take the rams getting three and a half in philadelphia philadelphia has been okay but they haven't wowed me they haven't they haven't wowed me

paul this is the second time

you went into your fields no i really like you want the jets to be done

oh they are

you want the chiefs to be done yeah and you want the eagles to be done

oh dude think about what you're doing don't psychologically do oh you bet with this uh don't set down here that's what i do paul i like that the the what's his name the coach that's all jacked up

he's got the hair cut sean mcvey the rams

he's all jacked up he works out with the team stafford's looking good everybody he's got sneaky pete's old workout stuff from usc

dude sneaky pete is almost 80 and i guarantee you he can run up a flight of stairs faster than me

he doesn't even yell at the refs he chews his gum and asks questions and nods there's something about sneaky pete dude as much as we call him sneaky pete bill how much would we love having a beer with that guy

that how much would i love having his disposition i know

Oh, my God. If he's a dog breed, that's what you want around your kids.
Like you want. He's a golden retrieval with a pit bull heart.

Come Sunday.

Don't let the Ned Flanders look fool you. That guy is a killer.
Oh, dude. He's...

Speaking of which, dude,

I want to get another dog. I want to get a red-nosed pit bull.
I fucking love those dogs.

Are you guys looking for a family dog right now? You're going to do it? You got to do it, dude.

Kids are asking, right?

Yeah, I want to go to a breeder, too, just so I can get people yelling at me.

Why don't you go down to a shelter? I already did that. Tried to eat my baby.

You did do that. I did do that.
The fucking thing was nuts. I loved her, though.
Yeah. Dude, you did love her.
Dude, my relationship with my first dog was like De Niro and Sharon Stone in Casino.

Yeah.

You, dude, you did more for that dog than people do for people.

I can't even get into what the situation I'm still in with that dog.

Dude, obvious, you told me some things you did for that dog, and I was just like, wow, I'm a piece of shit. I would never do that.

That's it, Paul. Once you get in here, it's over.

I love that. I still, I still, every once in a while, yell that dog's name as I go down the street.
It makes me feel good. Oh, dude.
P.O. P.O.
I just yell as I go down the thing. I love that dog.

Oh, dude, yeah, you gotta. Are your kids asking? My kids want another one when I think of going to heaven, like that's what I'm thinking of seeing is my dog.

They say you do.

That'd be awesome. That'd be awesome.
Just getting up there.

Can we just have that? Can that just happen?

It'd be funny if God's letting you in heaven. Yeah,

I don't, I'm not, I don't need all that. Just, I had a dog

from 2000

2008

to 2017. If I could just hang out with that dog and smoke a cigar and not get heaven cancer, can I, can I, can I, that's all I need.

I won't make it. We got a buffet.
I don't need it. I don't need it.
I don't, I'm good. I won't mention his name.
I won't mention his name, but I have a friend in comedy. You know him.

And we were on the road. He was on the road for a long time.
He was on the road for a long time.

And I go, dude, you miss your family. And he just goes, I miss my dog.

And here's the thing. It was wholehearted.
And he meant every word of it. Like he meant it.
He meant it. And it was true.
It was true. He goes, I miss my dog.
And I was just like, don't you have a

anyways? Anyway. Well, part of being the man of the house is coming home and feeling like a non-entity.

Just walking up the stairs. Do I matter? I think I matter.

I mean,

dude, dogs are special, though, aren't they, dude? They know. They are the best.

My wife wasn't feeling good, dude, and Lloyd was just new. Next to her, chin on her knee, just like...

Dogs get it. They get it.
They don't. They just get it.

Yep. And cats are the real world.

That's what's out there. That's why you have a dog.

Because most people identify as cats, but they say that they're a dog and they're not. Oh, you're my dog.
No.

No, you're not. A dog, dude.

Dog. Yeah.

Unwavering loyalty and love. Unwavering love.
Simple.

Borderline stupid. Always in a good mood.
Cats, too fucking smart for their own good. Think too much.
Always a problem, never happy. No trust.
No trust. They're always on their toes looking.

They want affection. When they want affection, they control it, you know?

Not mutual.

What are we talking about, right? We still talking dogs and cats. I kept forgetting.
I think we're talking about our wives, okay?

It's on their terms.

All right. It really just gets to the point of like, I would just love to just be fucking left alone.
Can I just like,

that's what the back porch is for. When they put a back porch over, we got to have some place for the guys.

No, dude, can I be honest? I'm going to get, I'm going to get, I'm going to get real on anything better. I'm not having the greatest week, okay? Going through some things, life shit.

And the other day, I was down, and dude, my dog was just looking at me like, dude, I got you. Like, he just looked at me like, I got, I'm here.
And I was like,

they know. They know.
They give a fuck. He gives a fuck.
He checks in with you, Paul.

His eyes, he knows.

She don't do it.

She don't do it.

God bless them, Paul.

It's not their fault.

They're just not

wired that way. It's just not how it works.
All right. It's getting bleak.
Yeah. But, Paul, what 2-0 on the Monday night special? Let's turn the bus around.
2-0 Monday Night Special.

We have all four of our picks, right, guys?

All right, guys.

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We had Justin Herbert and two touchdown passes. He did exactly that.
We are two for two. Bill, are we going to do the unimaginable and go three-pete to start? We already did back-to-back.

We've never done that. So we're playing with house money here.
And it's

two games. It's one game, right? No, it's one game and it's a doozy.
It's the Lions coming off, beating up the Bears bad, and it's the Ravens coming off a big win. And it's in Baltimore.

Yeah, dude. I mean, it's a

i i oh look here oh jake you know what

you know you know you know it's important when jake just shows up jake just pops in

exactly what do you think

what do we need to know

um i mean

should should be a good game i mean do you guys like a side um in this one like do you think the ravens maybe money line if um or like maybe like the lions to cover i like the ravens money line i like lamar jackson i don't think anybody can can stop that guy.

I agree. Yeah, I was thinking definitely get Lamar Jackson involved in some way.
And I like John Harbaugh.

Against Dan Campbell, I think I got to give the Nodworth experience to John Harbaugh. And they're also at home.
So if we're doing the money line, I like Lamar Jackson to do some dazzling shit.

Is there a way to get Lamar to get an anytime touchdown or maybe you can do like rushing or passing? I feel like there's a way to get that, something like that down because Lamar any

by the way, can I say something before we do this? Bet I've seen these sports shows where they have the guys on the little boxes the way us three are.

I don't know many with better looking than these three. I mean, we look good, dude.

I'm not gonna lie to you. We look we look good, you know, anyway.
I don't know about this. I like this Brady Bunch setup, though, that we have.
I guess

you start looking up, pointing.

I like Lamar Jackson scoring a touchdown.

Yeah, can we do that, Andrew? Can we do a pass or a run in the Ravens money line?

Yeah.

Yeah. Should be able to build it.
Do you want to throw in a third leg at Amon Ross St. Brown of the Lions to get over-receiving yards, something like that?

I love that. He's really good.

Maybe not a touchdown, but

I like him to have a big day. I would build it out, but because I'm in California, I can't properly log in.

Got it. Well, we can write it down, right? Do you want to do

Amon St. Brown to catch one, or do you want to do Jared Goff to throw one?

I don't trust Goff personally.

Okay. But, I mean, he could.

Hey, Jake, you've helped guide us to two and always with the money.

We go with you. It's tough with Goff because he was so good last week and he was so bad week one.
And so you don't know which one you're going to get. And they like to run it in the red zone.

I kind of agree with Bill here. I think Snake Hill.
I like the Ravens money line and I like Lamar Jackson to do whatever. Run, throw.
Exactly. The guy is fucking unstoppable.

And then what Jake the Snake does, you know what? Not only does Jake watch games, he remembers them. That's the problem I have.
Yeah.

For sure.

Oh my God, dude, you know what's fucking hilarious? I got a drinking game for you. Oh, no, I can't shit on fucking.
I always get in trouble when I do this shit. Dude, I'm just going to say this.

I saw a fucking movie. It was on the flight back.

I think it's called Exposition is when characters, rather than speaking like they're characters, they just say what's going to happen.

The whole fucking movie, dude, should be a drinking game. Anytime anybody explains what's going to happen, not only do you have to like drink, you have to drink the entire time they're explaining.

This dude said to this one character says something, and then the other character goes, let me get this straight.

You're saying the only chance we have is if we all meet at the exact same time at the exact same place at the bottom of the Baltic Sea, and one of those contraptions over there.

And the guy's like, yes.

They did everything but explain taking his shit.

You're telling me if I go in that little room and sit on that chair with a hole in it?

I've got an interesting one for you guys. So I was watching this Charlie Sheen doc, and we don't need to get into his personal life, but I saw that.

What do you think about him

as the karate kid? How crazy would that have been? I was kind of curious to see what you guys had thought about that potential or maybe the butterfly effect from that.

I think he was, he was, he always had like a badass vibe to him. And I think what Ralph Machio brought to the role was a vulnerability.
Like, I would believe,

you know, Ralph getting like,

you know, I think, you know, Charlie Sheen always looked like, and I'm sorry. Yeah, he always looked like he'd grow a beard by the seventh grade.

He

He looked like a two Cobra Kai. I bet that's what it came down to.
Like, Ralph Macchio, you believe, like, yeah, this, this, this kid would have a tough time if he was a new kid in the neighborhood.

The one thing that I loved about the doc was that small part he played in Ferris Bueller's Day Off was so impactful that people watched him and they were just like, even though he's not even close to a star in this, like, that's the fucking guy.

I thought that that was really cool. He was the coolest guy in the movie.
Yeah. Yeah.
What are you in here for? Drugs? no,

what are you in here for? And he goes, drugs

just, I can't even do it. The way he did that, the timing was perfect, and the way he was just leaning, looking at her.

How amazing was it that, like, his drug dealer, it was like the first time ever they said that a guy

weaned off of drugs by the drug dealer, where the drug dealer was like, All right, I'm not going to lose this guy, so I'm going to give him the same dose, but we're just going to keep making it less potent until he gets tired of it.

And it was just like, I know it's enabling, but it was kind of crazy and brilliant. drug dealer with the heart what about the hidden message in ferris bueller's day off

what's that

his sister's problem was she wasn't getting any dick

that's why she was so focused on ferris and what the he was doing and then she finally meets a guy that's gonna bang her right i mean that was kind of what they were doing yeah she got all giddy second she met charlie sheets character she didn't give a what ferris was doing am i wrong no that's true That's actually a good point.

Yeah.

They were all written by guys back then, Paul. So that's, I'm not saying that that's the truth.
I'm just saying that that kind of seemed like the message.

And how, and another cool thing about the doc, people got to see the doc. Another cool thing that I loved about the doc was he loved sports.
He was like an athlete. He loved sports.

But how about Nicholas Cage?

being like, I'm outside. I'll meet you at the party.

Like Nicholas Cage was his, like, like Nicholas Cage. You know what they left out one time?

One time he went to an angels game and bought a whole section of seats right out in left field so he could catch a home run. He wouldn't have any competition and nobody hit one.

And he was just sitting out there, super famous by himself with like

80 fucking seats around him all bought up. And he just sat in his club.
About 70, he's like, dude, what the fuck?

Oh, dude, that's awesome. You know what's even better than that is that the tickets were available.

You know what they left out of the dock, which I would, I would have loved them to talk about? Major League was such a great sports movie where he played Ricky Vaughn. I would have loved to hear

how many real pitches he threw and like if he was accurate or like something on the set of like a baseball field would have been cool. Yeah, it was,

yeah. It's also like, I don't know.
I always thought, I don't know.

I love that guy, man. I was just seeing him after.
Now he's sort of clean, right? Is he clean? Oh, he's been clean for eight years.

Okay, great.

Yeah, he said, he said, what did it was he said? He used to start drinking in the morning with his coffee. And he said, like, it was awesome because he would, like, love his coffee and booze.

So he would start his day with it. And then he had to take his daughter to something.
He told it on a talk show, too.

He had to tell, he had to take his daughter somewhere, and he realized he couldn't drive her to school because he wasn't sober. So he had to have that dude, Tony Todd, or you know, his best friend.

And he said he like sees his daughter's face in the mirror, kind of knowing, like, why isn't my dad driving? Like, he's like, she never said anything, but he's like, why?

She's like, he's like, my daughter's got to be thinking, why isn't dad driving right now? Like, what's going on? And he said, it just stuck with him. And he's like, I'm done with this shit.

How about Denise Hooker? Denise Hooker.

I mean, Denise Richards.

You made the sandwiches for the hookers. That's what I was trying to say.
Yeah.

That's what I was trying to say. Nothing will.
That is a Andrew bookmark that. That is one of the funniest moments in the podcast history.

Dude, I was turning a color. I mean, Denise Richards, I mean, is that the coolest wife ever? Oh, she was cool.

Comes out to the guest house, makes not only makes you a sandwich, but the three hookers you banged the night before.

I mean, when she said for better or for worse,

she took that to heart. I love her.

Dude, what a fucking champ. Yeah, she's great.
Denise Hooker. I'm sorry.
Denise Hooker. Oh, my God.
I got a little ahead of myself, Paul.

All right, guys. How cool is it him and his dad beat

Charlie and his dad beat Michael Jordan in a game of two-on-one? That car ride home must have been amazing. What was even better?

I saw that live was Dick Van Patton doing the announcing from Eight is Enough. I just remember he just kept going, oh, and the sheens.

By the way, how awesome. Listen, we all know Michael Jordan bet the sheens.
Come on, Matt. You saw the last dance.
How awesome was Martin Sheen, dude, as a father, dude?

Martin Sheen, just showing up to hospitals, going to the press conference, just

a fucking dad. Dude, I'll tell you, if you want to see a lot of some of Martin Sheen's best work, there was a time when he was doing movies and then he went to like

made-for-TV movies and then went back into cinema again, you know.

He's got some really good ones. He had like the class, I forget the name of the one.
I found a lot of them on YouTube, like the full thing.

It's really cool, like the ABC movie of the week, and it would be starring him. And it was always a good story.
I saw one of him in,

ah, what was the name of it? It's a classic thing where there's a dirty cop.

and he comes to town and he's a young kid with the cool car and people keep going off this cliff and they're trying to figure out who's killing them.

And the cop fucks with

Martin Sheen, and that's his big mistake.

Vic, what's his face? Vic Murrow, is that his name? The guy who died in the helicopter crash.

Yeah, he's in that in a helicopter. Is he in a helicopter in that, or is that in Crazy Larry Fucked Up Mary? Whatever that movie is.
I'm just going to stop talking.

Dude, they did Wall Street together. How sick is that? Oh, yeah.

No, you're looking at a man who doesn't judge another another man by the size of his wallet.

That became a catchphrase in our house.

What are you doing? I'm looking for my wallet. Like, you couldn't say wallet without screaming.

All right, guys. Well, there you have it.
That's the show. You got our picks.
Week three is in. Starts tonight with the Buffalo Bills and the

Miami Dolphins.

You guys know what to do. You download the app, use our code BUR, put in as little as $10.
You get $1,500 in bonus bets after the original wager is settled. First touchdown bet.

You bet any player in any game to get the first touchdown and you win. If they get the second touchdown, you'll get your stack back in cash.
Read the disclaimer. Bet responsibly.
Don't go nuts.

Just have fun with us. All right.

And we're going to try to get the Monday night special for the third week in a row. We got Lamar Jackson to score at any time touchdown.
We got the Baltimore Ravens to win money line.

And and we have was it amant brown yeah look at first he counting like a german touchdown

uh yard let's see yards yards win in glorious bastards paul dude win one

three like dirk nowitzki funny you said that i i did a podcast we talked about in glorious bastards i watched it again dude every time i watch that movie i realize how incredible it is it's incredible every scene is incredible and christopher waltz

dude Christopher Waltz eating that cake.

He said that he ate like 15 pieces of cake while they were like with all the takes, but when he was eating it with the cream and she was just trying to fucking not throw up, oh, dude, incredible.

I got a good one for you on the Criterion channel, which is Cinemax for Smart People.

There's still titties and Bush, but it's cinematic the way they do it.

Go see the watch The Parallax View with Warren Beatty.

It's a thriller, Paul. Bill, I'm sorry.

After the Denise Hooker, I can't. After the Denise Hooker, I just can't.

Listen, I got to open up. Dude, I'm a mess right now.
I'm a mess. Okay.
I'm overworked.

I'm not feeling appreciated.

I got more work today.

You know, I got gigs coming up in a crazy part of the world. I got friends getting fired.
It's just, it's just been a fucking crazy week. You know what you need to do?

You need to go down, get a golden retriever, bring it home home to your two kids let them freak out about it and then all good is in the world again yeah oh come on why can't I get like a little red-nosed pit bull looking like me back in the day when I used to go to the gym and I had hair you did that once

oh Billy back in the day

Because a golden retriever, you know what you're getting.

You know. Yeah, but I need something that's going to do something.

A golden retriever is like a Japanese car. A golden retriever is a Japanese car.
You put it, you feed it. It's like putting oil in it.
It's not going anywhere. It's done.

You know what a golden retriever is? A golden retriever is fucking pleasant.

And what pleasant people do is they attract fucking sociopaths and narcissists because they're the only ones that put up with them.

If someone has a golden retriever, I'm telling you right now, there's like an 80% chance there's something psychologically wrong with the owner.

It's like a comic.

There's no evidence to back up what I just said. Like a comic that doesn't curse.
But then you find out.

You find out. You find out what's under the bed.

Bill Cosby told Eddie Murphy, you cannot say fucking.

Yeah.

All right, everybody. He didn't say anything about not putting shit in drinks.

Denise Hooker is the, it's the, it's the, it's,

put a little shine in my day. All right, guys, we'll see you guys.
Enjoy NFL week three. Go Giants.
I'll be in the building.

Jake the Snake is going to be in the building against the Charger with the Chargers. That's right.

So we got a couple of the guys on the show going to games. Enjoy everything, and we'll see you next week.
All right, we'll see you. All right.

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