Fresh Air, the Internet, Wedding Disclaimers | Monday Morning Podcast 9-15-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Bird.

It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

September 15th, 2025.

what's going on Hawaii

how's it going on geez sorry for all the noise I'm fucking outside in an undisclosed location currently I can't disclose the location that I'm at right now because it's undisclosed

oh what a beautiful morning oh what a beautiful day oh what a beautiful morning the fucking patriots beat the dolphins yesterday hey

fucking patch go down to.

We've only lost like eight in a row to those motherfuckers, right?

I beat them since COVID.

When you had a face mask and a mask on.

You wore a mask.

What are you fucking cheap?

Anyways, you know, I saw a lot of things that I liked.

Fucking Drake Make.

Kids got some wheels.

Buys the receivers some time.

He's got some targets to throw to.

And who's this Stevenson kid?

That fucking pass he caught over his shoulder out there in the flat?

Is that what they call it?

What do the real estate agents call that part of the football field before they develop it?

Huh?

I mean, that's the kind of ball I would say 15% of wide receivers will probably drop.

Had some zip on it.

It was over his shoulders.

He was running full speed.

And I'll tell you that so-and-so.

He caught caught it and he ran like a goddamn champ there I will say a special team sucked lit up a punt

punt returned for a touchdown although we then scored a touchdown on a kickoff

a little surf and turf there right and then we missed two extra points

so and I would say a lot of the tackling was a little suspect

but

Rabel's got us going in the right direction who knows

You know, or are we just like the Jets?

The Jets were impressive one week and then yesterday, not so impressive.

You know, we weren't so impressive against the Raiders, although we were in the game.

Oh, the fucking Jets.

The Jets.

Every time, every time, every time,

every time they start to believe, they get the old right there, Fred.

I didn't see any games.

I was traveling, but I did.

I did,

by the time I landed,

you know, I scheduled the the flight so I just missed the fucking one o'clock game, and then of course we get on and there was some sort of problem with the plane,

which they fixed, thank God, because at the end of the day, that's more important than being able to see the four o'clock game.

But then they fixed it, and then my fucking, you know, my TV wasn't working.

Although I did get to watch the Moto GP race, which I haven't done in a while.

I didn't know Fox Sports One had the Moto GP races, and it was just, it was more the same Mark Marquez just dominating he lets somebody else lead the race for the first like I don't know 12 laps or whatever

he just watches what they do you know

and then he passes them

and then Beshecki I think was was on his fucking ass there was Bastanini I don't know who the fuck it was was on a plane had no sound I'm not putting in those stupid earbud things

you know he rides on Marquez's ass for like the final fucking whatever, 10 laps.

But where the other guys flinch or wear out their tires, Marquez doesn't.

Dude, the guy could literally win the championship.

Since I've been watching Moto GP, I've never seen somebody win it this early in the season.

He has like over 500 points.

The next closest guy's got like 336.

He has like 512.

The next race is in Japan.

He could,

I think, if he wins the race, he comes in first.

He has it wrapped up.

And then he just basically does a parade lap

all the way through October and the

first two weeks of November.

That's insane.

Speaking of which, speaking of Moto GP, old Billy went on a nice motorcycle ride the other day.

I was moping around the house.

Depression settling in.

Sonia's looking at me, right?

she's like this guy's already difficult to live with now now

he's in a depression she goes

why don't you go why don't you go to the airport go fly

I was like I don't want I don't know I don't want she you should you should do it you should do it it should be good for you you should do it

come on you should do you know you you should She knew what she was doing.

I am not spending my weekend with a sad clown.

Get the fuck out of here.

And I gotta tell you, she was 100% right.

I went up there, cleaned up the helicopter.

You know, I don't know if there was a fire or something.

It was really

visibility wasn't the greatest, so I just flew the pattern.

And then it was like gusting.

It was like, you know, winds 10 knots

or 12 knots or something like that.

And then like

another like 15 knot gust.

So I'm just like, well, I'm not fucking going anywhere with that shit.

I'm just a little fella.

I'm flying in a light aircraft.

I'm not doing that.

So I just flew the pattern to see how

bad it was.

Didn't seem too bad.

It wasn't until I got over Hollywood.

I think it was coming off the ocean.

I don't know what it was.

It was a little bumpy.

So I was just like, yeah, you know, just go back.

So I bring the thing back, set it down perfectly.

And

I put her away.

I warmed up the motorcycle.

I took a ride through the neighborhood.

I had a great fucking time cruising around.

Put that thing away, and then I came out.

Guess what?

Guess what?

The depression was gone.

I think there's something to be said that when you're depressed, if you fucking sit around,

If you're not clinically depressed, but if you just have like a fucking,

I don't know what,

you're in a malaise

if you do something that requires concentrating anything playing an instrument

fucking listen to your neighbor telling the story about what he plans to do with the landscaping in his backyard anything that requires

an effort

to listen to

I think it just kind of it kind of clears it away it's a nice little breeze through your brain and then especially if you're doing something where you could get killed or hurt or whatever,

you know, the focus of that,

it really, it kind of, I'm telling you, I don't know what it is.

So maybe flying.

It's kind of up there bouncing around or some shit.

I don't know.

I heard a long time ago.

Sorry.

You know, remember those little mini trampolines?

That like

skinny blonde women would do like aerobics on on ESPN

for some reason, like 11 in the morning.

Back when women didn't work, guys went to work at 11 in the morning, you know,

right when the paranoia for the wife started settling in.

Like, he's been working late a lot this week.

Is he fucking the secretary?

I better get my ass in shape, right?

And then

they would turn on ESPN.

And

they had this one guy, there was a guy who used to do a show on it.

I only know this because because I'm a comedian.

Once Sports Center was over,

this exercise show used to come on.

And

the guy doing the show looked like that soccer player, rest his soul, hand of God, Maradonna, or whatever his name was.

Not the biggest soccer guy.

That's what he looked like, Hand of God.

Hand of God, I swear to God, he looked like the hand of God guy.

And he was doing fucking aerobics.

And I want to say that they had like a little fucking trampoline.

Sorry.

I'm going to put my sunglasses on.

I'm doing this thing outside here.

Oh, Billy, too cool for a podcast over here.

Yeah,

they would have a fucking aerobics show on

after that.

And then I want to say there was a chick one.

At some point, I remember there was those little fucking trampolines.

And they would be running in place.

and then they would they would have their hand on their jugular two fingers on their jugular and then they would be looking at like a little swatch

like that was a big thing to do running in place at a red light and checking your heart rate was a big fucking thing in the 90s

Nobody had any sort of cardiovascular training.

No one knew how to read an EKG machine.

Is that what it's called?

But you definitely, you know, you ran it you put your two fingers to your neck you ran in place

at a fucking red light waiting for it to change and you looked at your swatch

and that's that let everybody know at the red light that you were fucking serious

about working out somebody sitting there in a late model Honda Prelude watching you look at your swatch and your leg warmers not leg warmers that was the 80s

Let's be honest, ladies, did your calves really get that cold or did it just just look a little hoary?

Give you that attention that you wanted, you know, so then you could bat it away like, oh my god, stop staring at me.

Well, stop dressing like a warm hooker.

How about that?

You ever think about that?

Oh, I'll tell you, nothing brings the male attention like a fucking warm hooker.

Little fucking Afghan legs over there.

And then the rest of it.

That was the beginning.

That was the beginning of this ridiculous thing that when you go to the gym,

you know, you have to dress like an off-hour superhero.

I feel like that's starting to go away.

But there was definitely the X-Man

cometh

age of working out where everybody, like, I am proud to say,

despite when I was born,

living through all of the 80s, into the 90s, the workout craze, heavy metal, and all that, I have never,

I have never owned any spandex.

I don't even know what it is.

Spandex lives in the world somewhere between polyester and just straight up plastic.

I don't know what it is.

It only makes sense if you're fighting crime to have to have clothes that tight.

You know what I mean?

Or if you're like an offensive lineman.

Any job you have where somebody's going to grab you.

Although I will say back in the day, you know,

half the reason

they had lapels on sports coats is so somebody could grab both of them after they felt they got fucked on a car deal.

You know, when they go to bring it back.

Someone was forever grabbing somebody by both lapels.

Oh, let me tell you something, you son of a bitch.

And what's funny is the person wearing the coat that was getting grabbed would always just sit with his hands down by his side and would just sort of move his head back when it would happen.

Or maybe that was just the movies.

I don't know.

Anyway, plowing ahead here.

Jesus Christ.

Billy Babbles.

Brian Dabbles.

Drian Dabble, is that the name of the coach of the Giants?

Jesus Christ, that guy needs a fucking salad and a hat on his head.

Who is the woman in his life that is letting that guy walk around eating steaks and cheeses and not having a hat on his head to coach four quarters of football?

I can almost hear his head searing in the sun.

I'm probably, maybe I'm projecting.

Is that what I'm doing?

Are you projecting?

I don't know.

Anyway.

Oh, here's something I didn't bring up in that Moto GP race.

It was just fucking Pedro Acosta.

I don't know what lap it was, but he was among the leaders.

Just put it that way.

I was on a plane.

No sound.

Alright?

Every five seconds.

Can I interest you in a, you know.

I'm sorry, sir.

Could you bring your seat back up?

We're going to be experiencing some turbulence.

Um,

anyway, I uh

I don't know what lap it was, but like the chain on his bike broke.

I feel so bad for that guy,

and I don't think he's gonna stay with his team much longer.

He's too good a rider for the bike.

He got off his bike and he was so upset, they cut back to him.

It was right as he was pulling his hands down.

I think he gave

his motorcycle the double finger.

That's when you know that's when you know you're having a tough day when you give a machine the double finger

You know as if they're alive

and working against you like

Like the machine has emotions like what they're trying to do with these fucking robots trying to say these robots feel emotions It's like they don't feel emotions

They're not alive.

There are trigger words that the alive person says that then what they do is they mirror emotions, much like a sociopath

just mirrors the emotions of people in the room but doesn't feel any.

I gotta tell you, this

whole fucking

I don't know, the last five years,

how insane the general public has gotten.

I'm telling you, man, like

I am really starting to believe that the internet should just be shut off.

And I know that that would affect my business, but at the end of the day,

am I going to choose my business

over humanity, over my own country, or whatever?

Like, people are out of their fucking,

they're out of their fucking minds.

And the fact that you can sort of choose your own reality on the internet

is just like,

so they can be like

something happens and you can have a completely opposite

story time about...

It's unbelievable.

I just really think that, like, unless you're on the internet, like, you know, you want to watch the NFL package

or you're learning how to play a Stone Temple pilot song on an acoustic guitar.

Way

bang,

boo, boop, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boop, boop, boop, boo.

If you, you know,

but everything else, the politics, the porn,

the

fucking

shit that you can just watch on there.

The shit, the fact that people can just lie and just make up shit and present it as truth,

it's just fucking.

Listen, it was already bad when there was just TV, but I just think that we've gone to this new fucking level.

Yeah, because I keep hearing people going like, dude, this, the United States of America has gone to hell in a fucking handbasket.

And here I am, I'm sitting outside, everybody's walking by.

Hey, how you doing?

Good morning, you know, just...

Fucking people are cool.

Get off the goddamn internet.

You get on the fucking internet.

The internet's like a giant mean girl.

Did you hear what so-and-so said about so-and-so?

Look at this thing.

Now they're going to make you blah, blah, blah before you even wah, wah, wah, right, and

you're sitting there eating your cornflakes before you even get out of the fucking house.

You know what it really reminds me of?

Did you ever see

a story on

back in the day when they did radio plays?

You know, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's radio play is brought to you by

whatever the hell they have.

Castor oil.

I was trying to think of something old.

Tuberculosis largence.

Anyway,

polio pediolite.

You know, before television, people would, they would gather around the radio and they would listen to these radio plays

before television.

So one night they did a radio play called War of the Worlds.

And it was about, you know, an alien invasion from Mars or something.

And the aliens land and they

start kicking the shit out of the army, and they're all here to kill all of us, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So, for whatever reason, because it was early on with mass media, they thought it would be a good idea.

What if we just went into the play and we acted like it was real?

And we didn't tell anybody.

And it's sort of like an April Fool's thing.

So they fucking did it.

And people got so insane.

Some people actually killed themselves listening to it, thinking these aliens were here and that they were right over the horizon and they were going to come and eat you alive or whatever the fuck they were going to do.

And the amount of people who never thought to just shut the radio off and look out the window or

turn the channel to another radio station.

And, you know,

not hear about an alien invasion.

People would just be, you know singing a song or shooting the shit and then they could have figured it out but they didn't I kind of feel like the internet is the modern day war of the worlds and we are all going on there

and we are getting false information and we were be we are becoming hysterical

um

I know that happened to me like I have not been on fucking Instagram

every once in a while every d other day or something I pop in I just check

my DMs just in case somebody DM'd me to tell them that I got off this fucking thing.

And I got to tell you,

I feel a lot better.

I do.

I mean, I miss looking at the motorcycle videos, the car videos, the fucking booty girls, and all of that.

I miss that shit.

Of course, oh, shh, of course I do.

But

I feel a lot less anxious.

It's really bad.

And I gotta tell you, man, I am really waiting for a fucking backlash on nerds.

My whole life, everybody was fucking up the ass of athletes.

Anybody who could throw a ball or whatever and dated a cheerleader for stay, they were the fucking assholes everybody hated.

And everybody thought that nerds were, you know,

I can't even say harmless.

They didn't even pay attention to them.

Well, maybe it's time to start paying attention to him because they're fucking out of control.

What a fucking nerd will do to beat another nerd in an algorithm.

You know,

treason is on the table for him.

Like, why the fuck would you be running shit or saying shit that would stir up your own countrymen?

Like, the whole idea of rage bait, I mean, how the fuck that is legal?

I remember growing up, it's like you couldn't yell fire in a crowded movie theater because people would get hurt.

But for some reason on the internet, you can just say, you can just make up horrible shit and get people all upset, and then they go out and they hurt other people.

It's so fucking stupid.

It's so stupid.

But I don't see any politician.

I see them, they keep trying to stop it.

And then it like magically goes away.

And that just means people got paid off.

I believe.

You know, there's an entity in my business that they keep trying to say is a monopoly.

It's 100% a monopoly.

But every time they go in front of the DOJ, all of a sudden it magically goes away.

Gee, I wonder what happened.

Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching.

They fucking buy their way out of it.

I don't know.

I don't know.

So if you're feeling depressed or anxious or whatever or something like that, try getting off the internet.

You know what's amazing?

It's if you get off the internet, you immediately become a unique person, which is really hard these days.

If you get off the fucking internet and you start walking around, your vibe

starts to change.

The first time I noticed that was when I stopped watching 24-hour news networks.

And then I would run into people that are watching them and they would come at you and their eyebrows would be up at their hairline, freaking the fuck out, you know, before you even had a chance to have your eggs about what the fuck was happening next.

I'm not saying you should stick your head in the sand and not know what's going on in your own country.

I'm not saying that, but like

there's got to be other places to get your news where you can fucking

keep your sanity.

So, anyway,

yeah, you get off the fucking internet and like

your quality of life

compared to like the other 98% of people you're gonna run into that day is just instantly better simply because you got out of the world's fucking coffee shop.

Everybody's sitting around gossiping.

I have to be honest, like the amount of like

just radical shit,

Radical shit that you just see on that stuff.

Or you see,

like,

everybody at this point, you've lost a few friends to the internet, haven't you?

They just, they went on the internet.

It was like back in the day, one of those cop movies where

the dude stays undercover too long and then they try to bring him back in and he won't go back in.

He's got like Stockholm syndrome.

He's like fucking.

Now he likes the gangsters.

Yeah, like some people, they can't handle the internet.

What happened to him?

He stayed on the internet too long.

We lost him.

We got to go get him.

It's too late, man.

It's too late.

He's got his own currency.

He's got his own flag.

He's fucking, he's gone.

We can't get him back.

It's fucking over.

So, I don't know.

Maybe something to think about.

Maybe something that would fucking help shit out because I know everybody everybody being on the fucking internet is not helping things out.

Why do I feel like I'm listening to the world's giant

some giant fucking ratchet

Anyway, I got a podcast coming out.

I don't even know when it's coming out, but I'm gonna pre-promote it.

Oh, there it is.

What the fuck is that?

Top of a fucking elevator shaft.

Um

is there any place where you can go that that's just truly quiet other than that creepy fucking room they have at like Microsoft or Apple that you go into?

You try to stay in there

if you can stay in there for a half hour.

They they give you like

an iPod or some shit.

I can't remember what it was, but no one's able to do it.

I want to try that.

I just feel like I'm so fucking walled off, German-Irish, fucking lunatic

that I would plow through the madness

just to get an iPad or some shit.

And then, like,

I don't think I could stay in there the whole time if nobody has, but I probably could stay in there longer than the average person

just because

I am wired to ignore an unhealthy situation.

Anybody else?

Like, I feel like

the better childhood you had,

it's just a theory, the shorter amount of time you could spend in that quiet room without losing your mind.

But I think the more abused you are,

you know,

the longer you could stay in there.

Because you'd be like, nobody's hitting me.

Nobody's touching me, you know.

Nobody's threatening to walk out of my life.

You know, it's all right.

Nobody's stealing money from me.

I mean, this is, you know,

I don't like this, but it's not as bad as that.

You know, maybe you could do an extra 10 seconds, so maybe another minute or two.

I also believe

that there's sinister reasons why those computer cunts built that thing.

Because those fucks, all they care about is money.

So there's no goddamn way they built that fucking room and are putting people in there and challenging them to see how long that they can stay in there without collecting some sort of fucking data.

And I bet what I just told you, what my theory right there, I bet they have fucking numbers that can say, Bill, you're 100% right, 87% wrong, or 99%,

you know,

whatever, right?

I bet they can fucking break the whole goddamn thing down.

See, the thing about nerds is,

you know, their hot chicks are numbers.

They don't go to a bar and go, oh my God, look at her.

I'm going to fucking

come up with something to say to her.

See if I I can get something going.

That to them is like fucking algorithms.

That's their hot chick.

That's how they get their women.

They get their women.

They don't go down to some sports bar, right?

And hit on a pick-me that has on a football jersey tied off on the back to show off the small of her back.

Well, I'm a football fan.

That fucking ditzy brought, right?

I get it if you're a waitress.

I get it if, you know, you got to whore it up a little bit.

You got to make the tips.

I understand that.

But if you're not a fucking waitress, you know, that's another thing.

You know, I'm not in the world of women, but you know, I think that there should be some sort of etiquette.

You don't try to out-whore up, out-whore the fucking waitress.

Okay, you're not working.

Stand down, okay?

Stop trying to steal focus.

You know, if I took my wife to see the full Monty, I'm not pulling my dick out, too.

You know what I mean?

I was raised right.

That's all I'm saying.

Okay?

Anyway.

The fuck was my point.

Yeah, my point is, you know, maybe

a little less internet.

And maybe a little more talking to your neighbor, not about the internet.

Maybe go for a walk.

you know,

go fishing,

go for a fucking bike ride.

Hey, what's going on?

Sorry, man, I'm doing a podcast up here.

Is this bad?

I can hit pause.

Sorry.

See, look at that.

That was a great example of not being on the internet.

I ran into another human being.

We had a pleasant conversation.

I apologize for doing a podcast in a public area.

We talked about the weather.

We talked about the view and all of that type of stuff.

I asked him where he was from.

You know, we, we, you know what it was?

We weren't on the internet.

We were face to face.

And when you're face to face with another human being, there's just

a

natural level of respect that you have for another human being.

And why is that?

It goes to the

basic

needs of a human being.

Okay, you want to connect with other people.

You want to be heard.

And you don't want someone to beat the shit out of you.

So you're nice.

Like, I just, I went into pleasant mode immediately.

Oh, how you doing?

Sorry about that.

Blah, blah, blah.

You know, he's like, don't worry about it.

You do a podcast.

Hey, everybody does a podcast.

Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.

Isn't it nice out?

It is nice out.

You seem like a nice fella.

Well, you seem like a nice fella, too.

Okay, nice talking to you.

That's what happens in the real world.

You get on the internet and say, for me, it's so stupid sunglasses.

Bro, maybe you want to have all people do is just pick on each other.

Those fucking goddamn social media platforms.

Oh, Billy, old man.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Look who gets off the fucking Instagram for two goddamn weeks and is now giving you a lecture.

I got a lot of nerve, don't I?

Well, guess what?

I am an unexamined man, so the nerve is going to keep coming.

I'm just saying.

I don't know.

It's just been, oh, Jesus Christ.

Is there anything worse when you're doing a podcast and then your wife closes the door

because it's not entertaining to her?

This is one of these days where I can already feel that

if I just fucking relax, I'm going to have a good day.

But if I keep going in the direction that I feel like I want to go, I haven't even had a cup of coffee yet, and I don't know what it is.

I'm fucking wound up today.

It's a great day.

It's a beautiful day.

It's a sunny day.

Whatever flying a helicopter and riding a motorcycle did for my psyche, I feel I'm in a great fucking mood.

And for some reason,

that means

I have a very high percentage of annoying the shit out of my wife.

Because for some reason, even when I'm in a good mood, I'm still fucking annoying.

So I gotta like, I gotta make sure that, you know,

you know.

Like I said, I'm a Waldoff German-Irish guy, so I wake up like a robot.

I don't kind of come out of a slumber.

You know, you know, some people wake up like regular people, like my wife.

My wife's regular.

She wakes up and it's like,

and she stretches and she lays there for a second.

She gets like fucking

acclimated and all of those words regular people use.

I just open my eyes and then I just get up.

And within 30 seconds, I can be singing a song at an annoyingly loud level.

It's like, you know,

I wake up like the way you turn on a TV.

It's just on and then you just hear the show and it's at fucking middle of the day volume.

So I need to learn that everybody else isn't like that.

You know what I mean?

And when I say I need to learn, this really is just,

it's a guy thing.

You know, you need to learn how your woman likes to wake up.

You always need to learn how they need to do things because you have to keep that

entity happy.

It's the only hope you have for your own happiness is if she has to be happy.

That whole fucking happy wife, happy life thing is, is a...

Oh, wait, here she comes.

Here she comes.

Oh my God.

Hey!

I didn't know if you were still doing it.

What's going on, the lovely Nia?

I was painting a picture of you that you were way more difficult to be with for comedy purposes.

My goodness, you're a gorgeous woman.

Thank you.

What were you saying about me?

I was just joking about

the difference.

Come over here.

The way I wake up versus the way you wake up.

You wake up like you've been shot out of a fucking cannon.

That's what I was just saying.

I was saying you wake up like a normal person.

You stretch,

you make noises, but none of them are words.

Right.

Right?

You're doing it right now.

Yeah, that's what you do.

And then you fucking.

I also go to grab my phone when I wake up, like most people do, whether, you know, whatever you think about that, most of us do it.

And I immediately turn down the volume as well as turn down the brightness.

Like I make sure it's turned down all the way before I start to like, you know, maybe take a little peek at what's on my phone.

Versus.

Yeah, I do French lessons.

You have your phone as loud as a TV and it literally shocks me like I'm like a cartoon.

You never think

before you open the phone, just turn it down, all the way down, right?

All right, well, you know what you do?

This is something, this is something that because most videos have captions, just stay with me.

Most videos have captions.

She's rubbing my shoulder.

Stay with me.

This is me managing you.

Most videos have captions these days, or you can turn them on so you can read what's happening.

You don't have to like listen to it immediately.

So, I just feel like that's another

way that we're different.

Here's it, okay.

Shots fired.

What you got?

Um, well,

as much as I wake up shot up, shot out of a can, and I'll give you that.

I don't have to give it, it just is,

I don't have to concede it, it's a fact.

Is

I don't wake up ever,

you know, like, because sometimes you do wake up before me.

I have never woken up before you while your eyes are still closed and said, so what are your plans today?

That's true.

Which means

for me, that means the assignments are coming.

No, that's just me wondering what you're doing so that our schedules are lining up.

No, no, no, no.

It means you have some shit to do, but you have some other shit that you want done that you don't have time to get done.

so you're trying to find a hole in my schedule.

There's no eye contact.

No, no, not necessarily.

I'm not seeing any eye contact.

I'm just trying to see what you're got going on.

If you have something that night, do I have something that night?

Do I need to make sure that we have child care coverage?

That's really what it's about mostly.

It's like, what are you up to today?

You know what I liked best about that answer was the soothing tone.

Well, you know.

Hey, you know, we're not here to have any sort of...

We're not here to harsh the mellow man.

No, my voice has been sounding better lately, and I know.

No, no, no, no.

Let's stay on topic.

Oh.

Okay.

What we're trying to talk about is like you're skipping all the, can you go to the dry cleaner?

Can you pick up this thing that I have framed?

Can you go over?

You know, the wheel got put on my luggage again, and I was wondering if you can track the package or whatever, whatever the fuck it is.

Track the package.

Track the package.

That is something you remotely know how to do.

Oh, wow.

I know how to track a package on a phone.

You know, you kids today, with what you brag about.

Kids today.

You know,

when I was a kid, you bragged because you could fucking do a cartwheel.

This is old man Willie talking.

This isn't Bill.

That's what I'm doing.

That's the bit.

This is old man.

Cartwheel?

No one ever bragged about being able to do a cartwheel.

You know, we went outside and we had a three-legged race.

Found an old empty sack of potatoes.

And back then when somebody said you felt like a sack of potatoes, goddamn it, we knew what it looked like.

You kids today, you know what a sack of potatoes looks like?

You know what a side of potatoes looks like.

Why the fuck I'm Uber eats?

I'm sorry.

I like how you have this like microphone attached to it.

This is really nice.

I like that.

No, I'm looking at it because I have to do a voiceover for a workout.

No, this microphone works fantastic.

Is this a paid ad?

And we're acting like we're just talking about the product?

What I'm about to do is a paid ad, so it would be nice to

use something like that.

Can I borrow that to do a voiceover for my paid ad that I have to do?

Yes, absolutely.

You absolutely can.

Thank you.

There you go, ladies and gentlemen.

And that's how it works.

That is exactly how it works.

You came out here,

you know, you just, I don't know.

I don't know, man.

You're going to get something.

I'm kidding.

All right.

A free t-shirt, a fucking.

Are you excited to have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Fuck.

Really?

I can't wait.

Really?

Here we go.

47 courses.

Take little bites.

Take little bites.

All right.

You want to hear a hot take?

All your takes are hot takes, but go ahead.

You got nothing.

No, no, I do.

What?

I do.

What?

Is it about me?

No.

What?

It's about certain restaurants with certain levels of status.

I think you need to tread carefully.

Okay.

Based on what it is that I'm doing.

So can we not?

You can tell me not on air.

They just keep coming to the table, explaining what you're eating.

You cannot help it.

This is a red radish fucking puree that's been pureed with the red radishes.

Our radishes come off the coast of Maine with the lobsters.

Radishes coming off the coast of Maine.

Yeah, is there going to be a test

at the end of this fucking...

It's part of the Find find out the experience that they explain to you what you're eating.

Isn't that nice to know exactly what you're eating?

Like, you are just going to sort of trust a menu that'll give you like three or four.

Like, oh, this is what in it.

But this is really explaining to you.

You fucking changed, man.

What do you mean?

You're not that girl I used to know when I first met you.

Yes, I've changed since I was 25.

Yeah, man.

You got to.

She was such a simple.

She was such a simple person.

All I I had to do was take you to Nathan's, get you a hot dog.

You're like, oh, my God, he's so romantic.

I still love a Nathan's hot dog.

You can still take me to those simple places.

Oh, look at you going, old Jenny from the block.

Oh, my God.

My experiences and my palette has evolved.

So now I want new experiences, more.

Do you know what I want?

I want you to never say my palette again.

All right, let's do some advertising reads.

My palette is a little more sophisticated.

Do you remember MySpace, and everybody said they had an eclectic music taste because they liked, you know,

you like hip-hop and rock?

Whoa, whoa, no, but you always had to throw something random in there.

And I also like those guys that sing Bumbalaya, Bumbalaya.

No white person knew Beyond Bumbalaya.

Unless you were a fucking groupie.

Hey, this white girl knows all the words.

120.

What?

Don't do that, accent.

Why can't you do accents?

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Why did you say it to me like that?

Stamina.

They're talking about the bedroom.

Oh.

I can go forever with these super fruit drinks.

Nobody needs you to go forever.

I really just gave myself a headache there.

Exactly.

I'm a little dizzy.

Exactly.

Okay.

What are you guys trying to do to my husband?

Where are we?

They're trying to sell you super fruit.

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Who doesn't support that?

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Endorsed by over 1,000 doctors, Nia.

Just picture all those lab coats.

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That all sounds delicious.

I was going to say that actually sounds really good.

Yeah.

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Ooh, shots fired.

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I want to drink this shit.

I know.

Can they send us some?

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HIMS.

Can you imagine if, actually, after you got married, you did that?

Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife to love and to hold in good sickness and health, good times and bad times?

I do.

The statements made by your husband are not approved by any sort of strip club,

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Wait a minute, what's happening over here?

Can you time the hat on?

Honey, what do you think?

You're going to take a shower and then what are you doing after that?

I don't want to come at you like Ron Burgundy.

See, that's the kind of like, you know, wake up in the morning, what's your day looking like type of conversations I I would like to have.

Oh, you'd like to have that.

You'd like to have a conversation instead.

You'd like me to wake you up and just bang you?

I mean, not opposed to it.

Ugh, with fucking eight-hour bad breath just lingering in the air.

Can we at least brush our teeth first?

All right, that's fine.

Okay.

I don't like how you subtly suggested that I needed hymns in the morning.

Why do you say it like that?

Because no one's going to listen if I just go hymns.

Is your dick staring at the floor and never wants to see what the weather's like up in the sky?

Hymns.

Hymns.

Did they also make hers?

No, I'm doing the guy in The Warriors.

It wasn't us.

It was them.

The Warriors did it.

That's where it comes from.

All right, use the ad copy to introduce hymns and now it can help switch it up.

I was going to, can we just pause for a second?

Because earlier you said call to action.

Have you been reading the directions out loud as part of the ad read?

Yeah.

Because you're not supposed to read that part.

Well, then they shouldn't have it here.

I'm Ron Burgundy.

Use the ad copy to introduce things

and how it can help switch it up for each read to keep things new and fresh each time.

Try to sound casual

and personalize what you say.

Hey, man, let me just take a couple seconds to talk to you about my limptic that is now

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Let's not forget my ball bag down there.

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That's somebody trying to stave off having an orgasm too early.

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Do you have to stare at me so deeply into my eyes when you do that?

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

I imagine we we were in missionary position,

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I might do a callback next time I bang you.

Oh,

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HIMS offers, you know what you would say?

You just go, Bill,

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That's how long we've been together.

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I think they should have that at a wedding.

Someone should read that, you know.

Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband to have it a whole blah, blah, blah, I do, you know?

What would it be?

This woman has crushing credit card debt.

She goes online.

She buys a bunch of shit that she doesn't need.

She's already stolen your identity.

Simply safe, everybody.

You know, Nia, I want to talk about your home security for a moment.

Okay, let's talk about it.

You know, I used to think home security was just an alarm that goes off after a break-in.

You mean it's not?

Scaring the intruder off and getting a neighbor's attention if you're lucky.

But that's a reactive approach, Nia.

By the time an intruder's in your home, it's too late.

Your feeling of safety is shattered.

That's why...

Real security should stop a crime before it even starts.

Heck, don't even think about it.

That's why I trust Simply Safe.

Their system is designed to be proactive, not reactive.

This is what we have in our house.

Here's how they use smart AI-powered cameras to identify threats lurking outside your home and immediately alert SimplySafe's professional monitoring agents.

I think Simply Safe can make a lot of money.

You know, cops let people do ride-alongs.

They should let people go to their home base and yell at potential intruders through their system.

I think it would be really cathartic.

You know?

They also have to have some parameters.

Sure.

You know?

You can't just be screaming all kinds of

wild shit.

Yeah, this isn't the internet.

This is the home security system.

These agents intervene in real time before break-ins even begin.

They access two.

Get away from that.

Oh, how could you?

You swing that other leg over that fence, I'm telling you.

These agents intervene in real time before the break-in even begins.

Sir, think about the rest of your life.

Think about the rest of your life.

It isn't worth it.

They have a lot of knockoff products in there, just letting you know.

They access two-way audio to confront the person, trigger sirens and spotlights to scare them off, and request rapid police dispatch when needed, all helping to stop the intruder while they're still outside.

Do you think a fuck, what do you think?

What happens when

somebody breaks into the house of a minimalist?

Oh, what the fuck?

There's nothing there to even break.

Fucking sleeping bag in the corner.

Galoshes.

That's my word of the day.

Galoshes.

That is real security.

Yeah, I got these hot galoshes.

You could actually sell stolen galoshes in the 1920s.

That's how great this country used to be.

Hey, Mac.

How about the next time it rains, your feet are drier than your wife's?

Join the.

Sorry, do they make a pill for that?

Well, if he had hymns, maybe it wouldn't be like that.

Now, why is your dry pussy his fault?

Well,

a man's limp dick isn't your fault.

No, that's true.

See how that works?

Yeah.

That's how the math works.

Yeah, but

I don't know.

We can debate that.

No, I'm asking.

Do women ever have that problem?

Have what problem?

Like dryness.

Yes, Bill.

They have

right.

They have parts.

That's all I asked.

Okay.

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All right.

Now let's get into the reads.

Oh my god, I've

almost done an hour already.

Alright, update.

Band director sending my wife dick pics

and me wanting to shove a clarinet up his ass.

Whoa.

Yeah, I always felt like this is the update.

I always felt you should go to the cops.

Dear Bill, you may remember reading, like I would forget this email.

You may remember my wife's band director was sending pictures of his god.

Yeah.

You may remember reading my email several weeks ago about some loser high school band director sending a dick pic to my wife.

You wisely advised me to not try and beat his ass.

Yeah, because the law defends, like, you're going to get an assault charge and that he's going to sue you.

And your wife still knows what his dicks look like.

It's just, it's a different world out there.

But instead, to take more of a high road and perhaps go to the police about the situation.

Well, I did exactly that.

Great.

Every once in a while I have good advice.

I know one of my small town police officers quite well and brought up the situation to him.

In small-town fashion, the story quickly went to the chief, to a city chamber member, to the school superintendent.

Turns out my wife wasn't the only one the guy was sending unsolicited messages and dick pics to.

Another woman contacted the school that same week with a similar story.

Oh my god, did they have to go down there and pick his dick out of a lineup?

Let's bring in the likely characters to this small town.

town.

That's an episode of the office.

They went that hard in the office.

That's why people always go, you could never do that episode.

They exposed themselves to someone in the office, and then Dwight decided to do, like, have her look at a

watching pictures of dicks.

Yes, yes, it was part of the storyline.

Okay, that right there is why it's so hard to write shows and everything, because literally everything has been done.

Right.

I told you that time when I was sitting, and I fucking was sitting with a buddy of mine and I and I bought all of these drum instructional videos,

DVDs, VHS.

I had like a hundred of them.

This is 25 years ago, whatever it was.

And I was like, you know, I would, and there was a similarity to him, and I was thinking as a joke to do a,

you know,

a fake drum instructional video.

And somebody goes, Fred Armiston already did that.

And I said, I'm quitting this fucking business.

I'm done.

All right.

They decided to launch an investigation on the guy and found he was sending inappropriate text to students

on a school messaging app.

The school quickly suspended and then fired him a couple weeks later.

And it sounds like he will face criminal charges.

I would hope so.

While my rage hasn't quite cooled down, especially after learning about the students, I'm thankful for your wise advice and that the school and police were quickly able to take control of the entire situation.

Thanks again and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, because if you beat the fuck out of him, you would have got an assault charge

and you know you'd be in jail and he would still be fucking you know pulling his cock out all around town.

Do you really think though somebody like that if he beats him up and it's like you know I know you're sending dick pics around you piece of shit like he's really gonna go to the cops and be like you beat me up because he's got all like the evidence against him.

I mean maybe I am so happy that you weren't on the podcast a few weeks ago.

I'm not saying that he should because I agree with that.

I agree with that.

But that would have been dumb advice because it's still, he just,

it never.

He would have been in jail for like a couple of hours.

You can't get violent with somebody unless they're being violent with you.

What this guy's doing is a form of violence, but it's not a physical threat.

And this is how guys who take their fucking dicks out beat you in court.

No pun intended.

I don't know.

I mean, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'd like.

Yeah, I'm not a lawyer.

I don't know if this happens.

I was just defending my position.

No, it was the right advice to give, but I feel like

I don't know.

Like I said, maybe they would take you to the station for a couple of hours once they got the layout.

I'm going to take you out to breakfast, is what I'm going to do.

I'm going to read one more of these.

Okay.

Well, I love you.

Oh, I love you too.

Yeah, you're the best.

You're the best.

All right, E90 BMW M3 V8 six-speed.

Billy, this is a badass car.

I own one of them as well.

Four-door limited-tech V8 six-speed beast.

So much fun to drive, and it's got room in the back for the kids.

Great choice.

For maintenance, you should go to a good beamer shop and get the rod bearings replaced with BE bearings.

The rod bearings clearance from the factory has spacing issues, especially with the thicker oil the car needs.

Well, I already learned that it needs a thicker oil.

Another good modification is an exhaust, which really brings out the sound.

Let me know if you need exhaust recommendations or a reference to a good shop.

There's one guy down in San Diego who's a genius and knows these cars in and out.

Really?

Well, I got, I, this car came hooked up,

but I will definitely, if you can send me the information of that guy, I would love it.

In the 2011 model, they have the competition package, which is even more rare and sweet.

Having fun driving it, and it should also appreciate in value over time.

That's the only M3 that ever came in a V8.

That's amazing.

All right.

Well, there you go.

That is the podcast.

I will tell you, that car that I have is the most fun car I've ever driven in my life.

And I can't believe how much I missed driving a manual transmission and how much I missed not having a fucking screen and cameras and all of that.

It's just like, I don't even put the radio on.

I just, like, I have such a good time.

clears my fucking brain.

And my favorite thing was the other day I got in your electric car

and I went to start it up and my left foot went to the floor looking for a clutch to push in.

And I'm like, oh, Billy Old School.

This is, it's giving me an identity, Nia.

Oh.

I was sort of like, you know,

floating around, you know, popping hymns right and left.

I just lost myself.

This is the new me.

This is Analog Bill.

You like it?

I go to the gym.

I dress like Rocky Balboa.

But I still have an iPhone with me.

You do.

Nuking my balls.

Will you, will there be music, like a song, at the end of this podcast?

Don't you play music at the end of your podcast?

At the end of the Thursday one.

What song would you like?

I just wanted to request that song by Beanie Man.

Sim Sima.

Who got the keys to my Bima?

Who am I?

How can I?

Pass me the keys to my truck.

Sorry.

I was enjoying it.

I I don't

want nobody else to ever love me.

I heard a song the other night,

and I don't know who the guy's name is, but

he had all the songs.

If you went to a club,

I literally was just watching the video on Instagram.

I love how specific it is with the names.

Well, I was watching a video where he explains where all those names came from.

One of his wife's friends was like, You need to use my name in one of your songs, like jokingly.

So he put that in there.

I think you could use that song as a public service announcement.

And he just changed the lyrics.

Okay.

Go ahead.

I don't know what I don't.

When the light turns green and you're in the left lane, you gotta get out into the intersection.

Don't sit at the fucking stoplight.

You're fucking the two other guys that are fucking behind you.

Get out into the intersection.

Get out into the intersection.

I beg you.

Will you please stop?

I'm a comedian.

It was funny.

I didn't say I was a musician.

This is how you talk to someone who's very

take you out.

Have you talked about the fact that you've been going on these little sort of like rap

rums where you just will start to break out into a rap?

Have you talked about that?

Yeah, no, but it's just to make you laugh.

Okay.

I'm just saying, this is, you've been

kind of improving.

I know, but it makes you

laugh.

It does.

It makes you laugh.

You like it.

We parked a car.

What was the one that I was like, I can't remember?

I can't remember them after I do them.

Simple pocket meters and airport greeters.

Remember those?

All right, I'm going to go get ready.

In what world are you in both of those worlds?

Would you need money for a meter and you had an airport greeter?

Take off my gators, smell my feeders.

Put my nose in your Peter.

All right, that's it, everybody.

That's the podcast, the Monday morning podcast.

I hope you had a good time.

The lovely Nia, surprise guest.

We're going to go get some breakfast.

All right, you guys.

Yeah, get off the internet.

Just be nice to each other.

Stop going on the internet, writing mean shit.

Most of you guys, you're arguing with robots.

They don't even exist, and they're on there to fucking piss you off.

Yes, the whole internet is like your older brother flicking your ear as you're trying to eat fucking cereal.

All right, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves.

I'll talk to you on Thursday.

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