Water In The Basement, Diving, Doctors | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-2-25

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in on you.

Woo!

Oh, how's it going?

How's it going over your way?

It's not going so good over my way.

It's not going so good at all.

I woke up this morning, bad doo, bado, boop, and I went to brush my teeth.

So I brush my teeth, that's fine.

Cold water's fine.

All homeowners are cringing right now.

I go to turn on the hot water.

It makes this weird noise like

that shit.

Like Bugs Bunny.

And one water drop of water comes up.

I'm like, we just fucking got the hot water tank.

When the fuck did we get that down?

I don't know.

It couldn't have been more than a couple years ago.

So I'm like, all right, whatever.

Sometimes you got to hit the reset button.

I don't know.

It's kind of weird that no water's coming out.

It's not like it wasn't

hot.

There was no water.

So I'm like, huh, that's weird.

So I go downstairs.

It's like 6:30 in the morning.

I'm trying to knock out this podcast right here that you're listening to

to, um,

you know, before my kids get up.

So I go downstairs

and

the door down to the basement has like windows, and they're all fogged up, and there's this weird smell in the house.

And I'm like, oh no.

Oh, no.

We just had work done in the house.

We just got back.

And I open the door and I just hear,

the fucking sound of water.

I go downstairs two inches deep.

Rugs gone, floors gone, kids' toys gone, all of this shit.

So then it's like 6:30.

I'm still in my pajamas, in slippers, standing in water, and I'm like, where the fuck is the main water shut up?

And it's already been, I mean, the thing bursted, fucking the damage was already done.

So I was happy as a man that I at least knew exactly where it was.

So I ran outside the house, slippers squishing,

and I shut off the fucking water.

And I should and I shut off the water, and that was just it.

And I just,

I mean, it had been going for hours, everything that was on the ground was just done.

And I just said,

I don't know.

Like I said, I flip out over little things.

Bigger things like this, I just go,

all right, you know, I guess,

I guess, uh,

yeah, you know, I guess, um, I guess that happened.

So,

so

I'm guessing

the very least I need a whole new floor down there.

I need all the

molding around the wall.

Halloween Christmas decorations.

You know, it's just shit like that.

Older toys.

I don't fucking know.

You know,

you know, what are are you going to do?

What are you going to do?

I mean, you know, shit happens.

Shit happens.

So, you know, it's an opportunity.

This is what I try to do with the new thing.

This is just an opportunity

to get a new floor that we didn't need, you know?

And now,

now we get to get this new floor.

And I'm very, this is, this is the new me.

I'm very thankful.

I'm very, very thankful.

Whatever.

What are you going to do?

It's the balance of the universe, right?

You get one thing fixed, something else has to break.

It's kind of

how that works.

You know, I got to admit, we had a bunch of clutter down there.

And I've been saying we got to like.

I don't like that we have to throw most of it out because I like giving shit away.

You know,

we've gradually been coming towards the way that I want to live.

Which, the way I want to live is I could do yoga in any room in my house.

Not that I do yoga, but I want to have the option to be able to stretch

because I'm old.

In any.

I need

flow,

feng shui, whatever the fuck they call it.

So that's a hard thing to have

when you live with a a woman, because they just buy shit and they're nesting, and they're always like,

I don't know.

It's like, I don't know.

I shouldn't put this on females, but like, just the fucking chaos.

I finally had to put my foot down.

It's like, I am so sick of having to move shit to get to this shit.

Do you understand what I mean?

Like, can we stop putting shit in front of doors?

This door leads outside.

Why do I have to move all of this shit out of the fucking way?

That has been, believe me,

that has been a debate.

A debate.

One more time for effect, a debate.

But anyway, everything else in my life is fucking great.

You know, can't complain.

I flew yesterday.

I flew out.

You know, it's funny, I got up there, and

as I go to pull in, I always look at the flag, and the flag was like sort of drooping and then going straight out and then drooping.

And I'm like, ah, fuck.

So that is gusting.

You know, if it was straight out anyways, I wouldn't have flown.

But like, worse than just straight out fucking high winds when you fly something, a lightweight helicopter like mine is if you see the flag go straight out and then come half, go straight out and then be drooping.

Now you have gusts, and that's just no fun to fly in.

So I was like, all right, you know what?

I'll just wash her, pre-flight her, and I'll ride around the airport on the motorcycle, right?

And when I was there,

all of a sudden, like the wind died down over like an hour, and I was like, all right.

So what I always do is like,

I'll be like, I'll just fly the pattern.

I'll see how it is when I get up there.

And if it's, you know, too bumpy a ride, something I don't want to deal with,

I'll

won't go.

You know what I mean?

I'm not trying to be a fucking hero.

So

ended up going over there,

you know, cleaning her up.

And then I took her around the pattern, and it was fine.

And,

you know, I flew out Santa Monica, you know,

all over that area and everything up to like Santa Paula.

And it was a beautiful flight.

And

felt good to get back out there doing that and then riding the Harley too.

I fucking love that bike.

I really love it.

And I love doing both of those things because I'm a scatter-brained fucking lunatic.

And when I do those things, the level of focus I have to have, it just makes everything go away.

until I get back in my car and then it fucking starts back up again.

But I always, like one of the few times my brain shuts off is

when I'm doing those two activities or if I'm smoking a cigar, which I don't really do anymore, which I'm really happy about.

You know, I smoked one in Bahrain after me and Josh did

our show.

And I just made a rule in my head.

I was like, you know what?

I can't have a cigar again for at least 10 days because I know 10 days is right where I stop giving a fuck about it.

And then I think like, this is stupid.

Why am I doing this?

All right.

I'll tell you what isn't stupid.

The Red Sox Yankees in the playoffs.

And

exciting game yesterday.

Yankees won in overtime.

So now we get to go to a fucking,

you know, we get to have game seven energy over a game three.

Really proud of the Red Sox, you know, big-time underdog, super young team.

Still somehow made the playoffs, traded away,

you know, a hall of famer, it looks like, under the age of 30, and somehow became a better team.

Going up against the Yankees, who I guess, you know, we're underdogs, but I feel like we weren't that much worse than they were.

They had like some injuries or whatever, but we were chasing them the whole year.

I think we were ahead of them for like three days.

But

I have peeked in a little bit, but I don't get emotionally involved in the game because I have kids.

And I'll just be honest with you, I just don't want them to see me like that.

So

I have not been watching it.

I've been paying attention to it.

That's the best I'll do.

Like, I just started doing that.

Like, when the Celtics went to the NBA finals

against,

was it Dallas?

Yeah.

And I was just like, I am not.

I'm not going to put my kids through this.

And we ended up sweeping them.

And I've still yet to see a second of it.

I am happy that they won and all of that type of stuff, but I am going to just wait till my kids grow up and get out of the house again before I will watch.

I think I could handle a Patriots playoff game,

you know, just because of where we are right now and we're starting to turn it around.

It's like exciting to watch them, but like,

I can't, I don't know what it is.

Those other ones, I just can't handle, uh,

you know, I can't handle watching.

I don't know what it is.

I literally,

I just, I lose my shit.

And as

I'm old enough now to realize how fucking stupid that is to put your whole family through it, so um,

I don't do that.

Anyway,

so that's my uh

that is my world right now, but I want to go see that new uh

Paul Thomas Anderson movie that Leonardo DiCaprio's in that I someone was told me was like the best movie they've seen in years

so

I got all these plumbers and all of these people coming over here today.

So me, maybe me and my wife can get out of the house.

I can go check that out.

I heard it was

fucking amazing.

Yeah, dude, everything broke down this week.

My fucking truck, I don't know what happened.

I was driving and I was hearing this rattling sound.

I thought it was the gas cap.

So I was driving down the streets and I was like grabbing onto the gas cap to hear if like the like the internal mechanism of it was like rattling because that's what it sounded like.

Then I'm like, that sounds like a lug nut.

And then I pulled over it and I was missing a lug nut And I go, fuck.

You know,

why didn't I think of that like two miles ago?

So then I get back in my truck.

I drive down the street.

I still hear the rattling.

So

then my side view mirror just decided it didn't want to do the job anymore.

You know, you can adjust it, but the second you start it up, you know, the vibration of the engine, it just slowly starts looking down at the ground.

So I'm like, all right, I get it.

I get it.

My life is awesome right now.

So

these other things have to kind of you know

I did my last road gigs of the year I can just fucking chill be with my family I'm happy

so what does the universe say all right well then you know here's a flooded basement your truck's gonna break down

it's just like

all right

all right I don't what what are you gonna do I don't give a fuck anyway

Plowing ahead here, I have been playing a shitload of drums lately.

And specifically, I've told you I was working on like the one-handed like 16th note things.

And

these songs that I used to play to where my arm literally felt like it was going to fall off, two things.

It doesn't feel that way anymore.

And now.

With the information my drum teacher Dave Elich

gave me,

I can now like feel my forearm if it gets tightened up and I just focus on my technique make it more of my wrist and then all of that tightness in my forearm I'm able to recover while still playing to the song I know this is some drum nerd shit but

I don't know been excited about that and then lastly

I've been getting involved in this

soccer game every week down at the

this park that's nearby where I live started just sort of innocently and next thing you know it just became

like four or five dads against like nine kids

I gotta tell you I cannot believe

how much mobility I have lost like I was playing goal and there was shit that I could have saved

Like I used to know how to dive and save a ball like I don't think I can I I don't think my body, like,

like it blocks

when I tell my body to do it.

There's something else that overrides it.

It's just like, no, no, we're not doing that.

We're not doing that.

This is, this is not happening.

You are not, you are not diving on the fucking ground.

You just fixed your shoulders.

Your back feels good.

The sciatic nerve issue is over.

You're not fucking doing this shit.

You know, you just went to the hot doctor.

Oh, Billy's ticker's looking good.

You know,

everything looks pretty good.

Um, outstanding for my age, but my age is just pretty good.

So,

my liver

was great, though.

I haven't drank in fucking eight years.

And the guy said, The last thing, because I know I'm a guy, I go to the doctor like once every fucking president.

And he said, Last time, you know, you had a fatty liver.

I was like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

My liver must have looked like Kobe beef last time I was here.

But what's funny was the last time I was there was 2021.

So I had quit drinking three years.

So what's amazing is now, that's what's great about your liver.

If you stop soon enough, it can totally heal itself.

But like, it took like seven years.

Well, maybe it didn't.

I mean, I hadn't gone in the last four years, but I was kind of excited about that.

And then he was telling me, he said, at your age, he's like, lean and mean is the way to go.

And I'm like, yeah, you know,

I'm a kid of the 80s.

I got to lift weights.

I got to do that.

So I think I'm just going to add some fucking,

I'm just going to add the stretching.

And I already do that anyways, but I'm going to do the yoga thing.

You got to go sting.

That's what it is.

I'm telling you, you want to know how to age as a fucking human being.

Just look at Sting.

Sting does fucking yoga.

I'm sure he drinks a chalice of wine.

But like, I don't know if he still drinks, but like like the two biggest things, if you quit drinking, because I've noticed, at least with my people, Caucasians, white E,

I've noticed that if you don't quit drinking around 47, 48, right where I did, and you just keep on a regular basis

drinking booze,

one, you're happy.

That's the side of addiction they don't talk about.

You know what I mean?

That sort of like on the spectrum of addiction, just continuing to do it, having a problem, but you're not like,

you know,

sucking dick outside of a bus station.

It doesn't get that bad, but you're definitely whatever.

But I'm just saying, like, I've noticed with my people that your face turns red

somewhere around there.

You start getting like Tip O'Neill face.

And if you're really going, then you get like the gin blossom nose.

You start looking like W.C.

Field.

So

I think I did a good thing with that.

I should probably drink more water.

But

anyway, I don't know.

I am glad that I finally went to the doctor.

God knows I've lost so many friends out of nowhere because of health shit.

So I've said this a million times.

I'm going to start going on a regular basis.

Like I've never had a primary care physician.

in my life.

Even when I was a kid.

You know, when I grew up, like your primary care physician were your parents.

And in my generation, it was just like, yeah, you're fine.

You're fine.

Yeah, this, this, you're good.

Like, one time I had an appendicitis.

I don't know.

I forget if I told you guys this story.

I had an appendicitis.

And my parents were, ah, you know, it's a stomachache.

Yeah, you're fine.

I think you're all right.

And then it escalated, and then it became a ruptured appendix.

And then finally, like, all right, I mean, you know, we'll take you over to the hospitals.

And then he went over.

They're like, Jesus Christ.

So

that's how I grew up.

So I got to get better at this.

And it's like, I'm not living for myself anymore.

I'm saying this out loud because I have to do

this.

I got to start going to a doctor on a regular basis.

I got to get the full body scan.

You know what I mean?

I just have to understand at this point that I'm like the old reliable car and I got to change the oil every 1500 miles, not every 3,000 miles.

And my job is to, I got to, you know,

I got to fucking stay in shape here.

So, but I don't know.

Overall, I was psyched with what I saw because I haven't eaten the fast food.

That was the number one thing when I saw what I was over in Saudi Arabia, dude.

The fucking level of fast, it was every literally every fast food American chain that's over there

is just serving that shit.

I mean, Jesus fucking Christ.

I don't know how they pulled off those deals.

But I can tell you this: I haven't heard a word about it, which is pretty amazing to me at this point.

That not one word was spoken about that is pretty amazing.

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Anyway,

plowing ahead here.

Let me do the

let me do the um

the reads here.

I think I got one read.

One read or another.

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All right.

Okay, and with that,

I have to go deal with a wet vac

and

try to save a rug

that I know I can't save anymore.

Who gives a fuck, right?

I swear to God.

You know,

as much as I love my house, there's a part of me that just wants to rent a skid steer and just fucking bulldoze all of this shit that I have in my house.

I don't know why.

You guys going to watch Thursday night football tonight?

For some reason, I like the 49ers.

I remember last year hearing when they only have four days to prep, they have a really simple game plan.

Are they playing the Eagles?

I think that that's what it is.

And as much as the Eagles look great, I just feel like they're going to have a simple game plan.

And I thought the spread was seven and a half.

So I like that half a point.

That's what I'm going with.

That's what I'm doing to battle all of this fucking shit I'm dealing with at home.

Anyway, I'll do that.

I'll go see a movie.

Oh, speaking of that, if you guys know any more

Arab movies, you know, I watched that one on the way back on the flight, and I was really blown away.

As much as it was a sad story and everything, it was,

I don't know, a whole new group of actors that I could become a fan of.

you know, and it'd be another rabbit hole that I can fucking go down and not deal with my childhood trauma.

Just a nice distraction.

Oh, I already did a bit.

I was going, I should have done a bit.

I already did a bit about that.

Wow, Bill, you have so many interests.

No, just sad.

Anyway.

What else?

Yeah, that's, I'm not going to drag this out for another five minutes.

My brain is not here right now.

I have water in the basement,

which is fantastic.

All right.

This is just an opportunity

to keep a stiff upper lip.

I'm going to go play some fucking drums.

You know what I've been fucking?

Okay, let's talk some drums.

You know what I've been fucking with that I've just...

shied away from forever because it just was so weird to try and play it was uh Led Zeppelin rock and roll with that left hand on the snare drum.

It is the weirdest.

It's the weirdest thing like I've ever tried to play as far as it's just something I never do.

You're playing like

accented eighth notes.

I think that's what he's doing.

And then you're playing eighth notes with the accented eighth notes on the hi-hat, accenting on two and four.

And then he's throwing in like

almost like bebop Phills

when he doesn't stop the thing while keeping the right hand on the hi-hat going and keeping that whole groove.

Like,

if you just like listen to that song as a drummer, if you can just block everything out and just listen to the hi-hat,

like

whatever he's doing on it is just fucking

incredible.

And it's totally been like, I've kind of been obsessing on it.

I used to obsess about like, how does he play the intro and the end of the song?

And the intro was just the story of it was

it was actually from uh it was a little little richard drummer

i forget the song um but the guy had done something like that to uh

start the song so bonham was a fan of all of that so he was fucking around playing that and then jimmy was like what's that we should use that

um

And they just used it as a fucking intro

to the song.

And it's like, and four and one and two and three, and four and one and two and three, and four and one and two, and three and four, and and and it's three and four and boom, and you're in.

Um,

and I was doing that for like an hour yesterday, grinning ear to ear to finally at least know how to fucking count it.

It's like a long time ago, like trying to play along to In My Time of Dying, and I finally saw this drummer, Brian Tishy, broke it down, was saying that this is just all for drummers here on out, that the end of the song, the beginning of that song, In My Time of Dying, why it's so fucked up, is because it's in four, but it's not in, it's not

locked in on four.

I forget what the musical term is for that.

One of my siblings told me that in classical music, there's a word for that.

So

he counts it.

It's like one and two and three in four,

and one and two, and

da da da da da da da da.

So it's all about one and two and three and four and one and two.

And then you got to go three, four, one, two, three, four.

That's how you count it.

So that last bit of guitar is stopping on the end of two.

And then you have to kind of almost be humming the song

when you count three, four, to because Jimmy is not playing the tempo of the song.

It's like sort of like on purpose, out of time, in time.

It's really fucking wild.

And it makes my day.

It makes my day when I actually

nail it.

And I used to be, I was doing it a lot, and I got it down where I, one time I played it, and I came in at the right time on all of them.

And then, of course, the rest of the song went off the rails, but I was able to do that.

But if you're like a dad drummer like me,

and

you're into doing shit like that.

I don't know, you've been trying to play to songs like that since you were like a fucking teenager.

It's kind of an exciting thing that, you know, one of the good things about the internet, which I have been off of,

like I said, I've been off the internet for like the last

close to a month.

Other than my Duolingo.

And

then like...

the last couple of days, so I gave into like, well, I'm not on Instagram and I just started death scrolling on YouTube.

And I'm like, within two days, it ramped right back up again

to where I was before, just like consuming my life.

And

I don't know.

I couldn't read when I was on the flight over to Qatar and back for whatever reason.

I was just, I think I was just nervous on the way over and then elated to be a part of that

positive experience for those people over there.

And

the small part, I should say.

And to put it in proper perspective.

But

I don't know.

I kind of got away and I went right back to that again.

It's just like,

I don't know.

I'm trying to view the internet like the way I looked at my drinking towards the end where it was just like, I don't want to be doing this anymore, but I'm doing it every day.

So I'm going to try to be a casual.

Casual user of the internet.

I was kind of worried as being a comedian that if I didn't fucking interact with the internet, that I wouldn't be able to interact with people.

But like, I've been walking down the street and talking to people, and it's still going pretty good.

All right, that's the podcast.

Have a great weekend, you cunts.

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

October,

October 2nd.

Oh my God, get out your fucking barracuda, dude.

It's the fucking fall.

It's officially the fall.

Isn't it lovely, huh?

The leaves turning different colors and falling off the trees and crunching under your feet.

Halloween comes and then Thanksgiving and it'll be a good 75, 80 degrees

with whatever, with the oceans rising or whatever.

It's going to be very interesting.

It's going to be very interesting falls, I feel,

coming up.

Oh, do you feel it, Bill?

Was this your own idea?

Did you stick your head out the window and assess it?

Or did you listen to a bunch of shit on TV?

All right, you got me.

You got me, but it is the fall.

The fall is one of my favorite seasons.

What I loved about the fall was the beginning of the school year, and I absolutely loved school.

I just, when I was a child, I just, I craved knowledge.

I don't know what it was.

Of course, the other kids wanted to go outside and play and engage in

contests of sport, but not me.

No, I I just wanted to curl up in the corner.

Just couldn't just, my mother just couldn't get me enough books.

I know.

I was obviously a non-truth.

None of that was true.

What I liked about the fall was I got new clothes for school, you know, which back then was you got your hand-me-downs from your brother and you got a new pair of sneakers.

All right, and they were new until that first time it fucking rained or something happened and then they would just, you know, that was it.

And those were your sneakers for a year you wore sneakers for a year your mother bought them like a half size or a full size

too big depending if you know she was trying to gauge you know when your balls were gonna drop considering how big your feet were gonna be right

um

it was one of those

you know one of those things back then there was like nine grades all in one class no i'm fucking with you um

I liked the new sneakers and the new clothes and whatever hand-me-down shit that I got for my older brother.

and then it was football.

And then also it was starting to get cold, so I didn't have to deal with any more.

Dude, look how white your fucking legs are.

I didn't have to deal with that with the summer.

I didn't have to deal with sunburns.

I liked it.

I was more of a fucking winter guy.

But other than that, everything else sucked.

I fucking, oh, God, 180 days of school to go.

Can you believe that you used to think that that was hard?

And you actually used to fuck up

in school?

If you were like me?

I always look back, it's just like, why did I just come home?

Why didn't I just pay attention, come home, and just do my homework?

I could have gone to like a really good college.

Like, and to me, a good college is it has it has a sports program that I can follow.

It's division one,

and you know, they battle for fucking at least to win their conference.

You know what I mean?

I don't fucking,

I don't know.

I don't fucking like

these colleges you go to where everybody is, I don't know what it is, like take Vanderbilt in the SEC, by the way, who played a hell of a fucking game this weekend, right?

Scared the shit out of Florida.

I always thought that, you know,

I always assumed that that school sucked because their football team was no good for so long.

Now they're actually halfway decent.

But I judge schools by how good their sports program is.

And you know, there's a lot of people on Real Sports or one of those shows that, you know, everybody wears suits and for some reason they have a pen, but they're never really writing.

You know, those shows that take it really seriously and they're like, what does that say?

What does it say about the educational system that

people judge a school by their sports programs?

Well, know this,

you fucking pencil-pushing nerd.

There would be no campus without sports.

Okay?

100,000 fucking freckled drunks like me fill the stadium.

That money goes right back into the school, doesn't it?

God knows it's not paying the players.

All right?

And that's why when you go to the University of Michigan, it's its own fucking city.

It's not because of the science department

or the engineers that know how to build the buildings.

It's because of Big Blue

down the fucking street, pulling what are they pulling?

104, 105, 110,000 people, a goddamn game.

That's what pays for it.

You know, even if it's not all that money, the level of attention.

And that makes people all around the world,

you know,

know that song, Hail to the Victors, Valiant, Hail to the Victors.

Fucking get on a raft, get over here and go to that school, right?

Isn't that how it goes?

I don't know.

I don't even know what the the fuck I'm talking about.

Why I like the fall?

Yeah, I just, what a fucking nice study.

So fucking stupid.

I can't believe.

I can't imagine if I actually understood calculus,

what my world would be like right now.

If I just took the time to fuck, I mean, it's not like they just dumped it all on you the first day.

I forget when I stopped paying attention.

Somewhere around seventh grade, I just was like,

I just, I'm just not into this.

Oh my god, I could have studied and then I could do one of those extracurricular things and got like a scholarship,

you know,

participated in a bunch of other shit.

Then I would have had that all fleshed out.

I see you're on the debating team.

You're on the swimming team and all that shit.

Remember those fucking kids?

The kid next to you whose locker was like neat, you know, and it wasn't all dented and shit.

He fucking always had his homework, wore like sweaters.

You know?

You just be looking at him like, how the fuck does this person is like my age?

And they have their shit that together.

I always had a thousand papers falling out of my fucking, I just, it was a mess.

And every year I'd be like, okay, this is the year I'm going to study.

I'm going to fucking, I'm not drawing all over my books.

I'm going to pay attention.

I'm going to try to get all A's and B's.

That's all I wanted to do.

And I just, I couldn't do it.

I put up a good fight through about, I get to about September 10th.

Then I get like that first fucking C.

C,

C,

C.

What's that a reference to?

Speaking of movie lines.

C,

C, C.

Was it Summer Rental or Summer School?

Is that what it was?

The guy who's been on TV for 40 years but never does interviews.

So people kind of...

Mark Harmon, is that his name?

It was that guy like Chainsaw or some shit.

And of course they made the Latino girl pregnant because you could still do that back then.

Can't do that now.

You get called out on it.

They would never do that now.

Now they would make the white guy pregnant

to show

that they're progressive.

That's how it would work.

You know what I mean?

There's nothing wrong with having a Latino woman be pregnant, but when she's the only Latino in the fucking movie, that's when it becomes a problem.

Oh, so she's going to summer school and she's knocked up

and she's dressed like fucking Zebra Man in heavy metal parking lot.

Do you know I'd never seen that?

I thought that was an entire fucking movie.

And I used for years I was like, I gotta get around to watching heavy metal parking lot.

I never fucking saw it.

And finally, somebody referenced it again.

Oh, I know why.

Dean Del Rey from the Let There Be Talk, All Things Comedy Network podcast.

He sent me a link.

And one of Judas Priest's guitarists,

who that was K.K.

Downing and Glenn Tipton.

I think it's Glenn Tipton.

He bought,

I hope I'm saying his name right.

He bought a fucking Porsche in 1985 or 86.

He went to the factory when he was on tour, and that's back when they made him hand-built.

None of this robot shit, none of this outsourcing it to fucking whatever the fuck they do it now.

They were hand-built, okay,

by the same people that brought you audio tape

in World War I and World War II.

All right?

It was fucking, they were hand-built.

That's right.

By the same people that brought you Oktoberfest and the Holocaust.

You know what I mean?

They're all over the map over there.

That's why Germany is still such a scary country.

It's like, what's going to happen over here?

Are we all going to drink beers and get shit faced?

Or are you guys going to try to take over the world again?

You know?

that's what's on their weather channel

as they monitor all the psychos over there.

What is the general population planning right now?

Or possibly a small group of really motivated people within Deutschland.

So anyways,

I had never seen Heavy Metal Parking Lawn.

I thought it was a full movie, so I sit down to watch it.

Right out of the gate, I love it because the concerts at the Cap Center.

And that's where I used to watch the, you know, whatever the Bruins used to play when they'd go down and play the Capitals.

And they had Rod Langway, who looked like my math teacher back in the day.

Man, my math teacher was a dead fucking ringer.

Flunked his class two fucking years in a row.

It was two summers.

I'll never get back.

Actually, my senior year, I didn't fucking go to summer school.

I was like, well, what's the point?

I can't get into a school that has a good foot, you know, football program, a basketball program.

They don't have no sports here.

So fuck it.

Anyways, what the fuck am I talking about?

Yeah, so I'm watching this thing.

So they had the cap center, which I never really saw what it looked like because they never really showed the outside that I could remember.

There'd just be the Bruce tonight in the cap center.

Barry Peterson leading the league with 40-something goals.

That great year he had.

And we traded him, I believe.

So I go to watch this fucking thing.

And I gotta be honest with you, like the memories that came flying back.

First of all, my first concert ever was Judas Priest with Docken opening up.

Of course it was Docken.

They fucking opened for everybody.

They opened for everybody and Tesla opened for fucking, and Cinderella opened for fucking everybody.

That was my first, on the Turbo Lover Tour,

right?

And I guess I found out all these years later that that Judas Priest guy, Glenn Tipton or whatever,

bought a fucking Porsche that was a turbo and he loved it so much that he fucking, you know, was inspired to write a song.

And then Rob Halford took it in whatever direction he wanted to take it in, you know?

Don't you remember that song?

I'm your turbo lover.

Made no sense, right?

You won't see me soften,

but you'll feel me turns out.

All that crazy music, right?

I saw them on that tour.

So, anyway, so I watched that heavy metal parking lot and

it was fucking great.

That's exactly, I mean, whoever fucking filmed that, I know I'm way, way, way past the whole thing, everybody knows it by now.

Whoever filmed that thing, thank you so much for filming that.

Dude, the first time I ever saw anybody do blow, I went to an ACDC concert.

I remember I pull up my big stupid red fucking hair, right?

You know, and I can't grow it long.

My hair just grew out.

So I was like, I missed it, man.

I should have come up in the 70s.

I would have been fine.

Would have been rocking that Bernie from room 222.

But, you know, everybody kind of had their shit.

You know,

I don't know what the fuck it was in the 80s.

Wasn't short, but it wasn't long.

It was right before the mullets.

Feathered.

Everything was feathered.

Fair faucet was so hot.

Even the guys tried to have their hair like hers, right?

That's what was going on.

And me, I was just like, you know, I was a man

without a fucking country.

So I would pull up,

you know, not a whisker on my face.

I'd fucking pull up.

My stupid fucking looking like, I swear to God, looking like a giant OP tailor.

And I was totally into the music, but I just looked like a fucking freak.

You know, I should have grown my, oh, actually, I couldn't have grown my hair.

I was going to say, I should have at least gone the Malachi route.

And just been drunk enough and just got out of the car and screamed Outlander.

And then everybody would have left me alone.

I remember I pulled up to the ACDC seat thing and this fucking guy was doing blow.

I think he had a Toyota pickup truck rusted out of course back then.

Everything fucking rusted out, especially the Toyota hunks of shit, but the engines would never die, right?

You'd be driving down the street.

You could literally see the fucking engine still working.

So this guy gets out of the car

and I'm like looking at him like

I know we like the same kind of music, but we are not the same person.

I remember he was fucking,

he had this blonde hair.

Look at he cut his own hair.

It was like some, like a fucked-up Page Boy haircut

and like a perm all at the same time.

And like he turned around to do the line and then fucking came right up to my window as I pulled up,

looking like a fucking, like, I don't know.

I felt like I was in one of those zoos where the animals aren't in a cage.

You know, he just came up and he just was like, yeah!

And I was kind of like, hey, man.

Fortunately, I was with somebody else.

I think that we were listening to Who Made Who at a very respectable volume.

Yeah, that was the Who Made Who one.

And loudness opened up.

A Japanese heavy metal band.

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here.

Let's get into the podcast.

I'm just sort of meandering here.

Why don't we talk a little bit of NFL football?

We got to talk college first.

All right, so what I watched,

I watched Texas Tech against

Oklahoma State.

What a fucking great game that was.

And what an atmosphere out there in Lubbock, Texas.

I got to go to a Texas Tech game, man.

So I was actually out there.

I was looking up theaters to see if they had a little theater I could play maybe next year or whatever during football season.

You know, anybody can go to Dallas, right?

I've already been to Texas AM and I've been to the Texas Longhorns.

The next big program is Texas Tech, right?

Of course, they'll give you shit at Baylor, SMU, they never recovered from the fucking death penalty.

But what else they got out there?

I think that's it.

So

I was rooting for Texas Tech because

they were the underdog, but it was such a fucking great game.

And I was flipping back and forth.

You know, my adopted college team, LSU fucking Tigers, you know, we lost again, but you know, we lost to the Trojans, so that's okay, you know.

That's how I say it to people.

You know, we lost this week to the Trojans.

I thought USC lost too.

Oh, they did.

I was talking about the Troy Trojans from the very formidable Sunbelt Conference.

I was embarrassed as a new LSU fan.

I became an LSU fan about nine years ago.

And as an

adopted team, to see all those fucking people leave.

The fucking stadium emptied out with eight minutes to go.

All right.

Granted, they needed three scores, but

I didn't like that at all.

I hate seeing that.

And then I was at that point just rooting that they came back and won just so all those fucking cunts would have to lie on Monday and say that they were part of the 40 people that still stuck around.

But

I'm trying to think what was worse.

Watching LSU lose to Troy or the Troy Trojans helmets.

You know, you know, everything has to look like fucking...

I don't know.

You know

that awful candy at movie theaters?

Like they only sell it at movie theaters, whatever those fucking things are.

I don't mean gummy bears.

Dude, I have a good friend of mine that loves gummy bears, guy friend.

It just, I don't know.

It just

almost fucks up our friendship.

You know, like when he's kind of bugging me, whatever, I just kind of think every once in a while, this fucking guy likes gummy bears.

Oh, dude, I love going to movies, you know?

I fucking love going to movies.

I take my kids, you know, get a box of gummy bears.

gummy bears um

yeah the fucking oregon ducks all right those green and yellow cunts they fucked it up for everybody they were the first ones to put the disco ball on their head and now everybody's doing it i'm calling it right now those fucking things are gonna look they're gonna look fucking ridiculous in years to come people be like what in the is that electric is that thing like plugged in or some shit

some of them are cool i guess i don't know what but i i love how the mlb this year they went back to the, like, they went to like this non-gloss matte color on the batting helmets.

They look fucking mean as hell, man.

Mean as hell, man.

So, anyways, that's what the fuck I watched.

And then I watched pro football today.

Oh,

GJs.

The New England Patriots with their second loss of the year.

Part of me enjoys that they lost twice because it keeps all the fucking press.

It'd be nice to have a nice fucking anticipation free

uh season you know and when you're two and two god knows nobody's fucking looking at you now uh

how about that defense huh the fuck

i'll tell you i'll tell you right now if you want to score 30 points you got to go to new england

i'm trying to i should look this up like we gave up

I think we gave up 75 points in the first two games and then we added another 30 today.

Is that what happened?

Let's look at the the Patriots here.

Let's look at the sad, sad tale.

And I can't figure out what the fuck is going on.

I mean, how many yards have we given up this year on just like blown coverages?

That fucking fake screen pass, like the entire defense on that side bites on it.

You know, if we look at our corners and our safeties, it's still Butler, Chung, McCordy.

Those guys have been playing together for years.

I don't know how long we've had the Gilmore guy, but I like that guy.

That guy hits hard.

He knocks somebody out of the game.

He had another good hit.

He had a bullshit hands to the face and then a brutal one.

But we shouldn't have been in that situation to begin with.

But our offense is fine.

I mean, of course, I would love if our offensive line could give him Brady a little more time.

He's definitely taking too many hits, but we're still scoring points.

But our defense, Jesus Christ, not really stopping the run, not really getting pressure on the quarterback.

Blown fucking coverages.

But I just feel like the blown coverages, that's something that, you know, Matt Patricia can work on, right?

He can get those guys.

Like three of the four of them, it's just like you guys won a fucking Super Bowl last year.

I don't know all the Patriots, so I don't know when Gilmore got on the fucking team.

All right, let's look at Patriots here.

Patriots.com.

I should have gone schedule, right?

Is that what I should have done?

This is going to take for fucking ever.

Patriots schedule.

All right, here we go.

Patriots schedule.

They're going to go download the schedule.

What?

Okay, so we let up 42 points the first week.

Then we were on the road, only let up 20.

Then we let up 33

and we let up 33 again.

Those are all at fucking.

No, two of those were home.

Three of those were home.

Jesus fucking Christ.

All right, 33, 36, 42.

I think, I don't don't know, just to glance at those numbers.

Wait, 33, 33, 42, 20.

Thank God for the 20.

All right, 42 and 20 is 62, so that's 31.

So we're averaging like fucking,

I don't know, 30, I guess 32 points a fucking game.

Yeah, yeah.

I tell you right now, you're not going to go far in the fucking playoffs.

By the way, my fucking football pick came in.

I called it.

The fucking Giants getting against Tampa Bay.

Dude, I fucking called it.

I told you.

Granted, the Giants didn't fucking win, but they only lost by two.

And as a Patriot fan, I hate that the Giants are 0-4.

More so than I hate the fact that we're 2-2.

Because I wanted to play the Giants again in the Super Bowl to fucking beat those bastards one time.

We got nothing to lose.

The Giants got everything to lose.

They got shit talking rights right now.

You just got to say, hey, you guys fucking own us, right?

By the way, somebody tweeted tweeted, like, dude, when was the last time you guys even fucking beat us?

I went to a home game, own away game.

I'm sorry, Giants, we fucking beat you, I don't know, the last time we played you in the regular season.

In your fucking house, you cunt.

These fucking guys bragging about preseason games.

It's like, dude, you won two Super Bowls.

That's all you give a fuck about.

So anyways, that's my one pick.

So now I'm going to make another pick on Thursday.

All right?

Every Thursday, I'm going to do my NFL pick of the week.

Now, this is what you have to think.

If you're a fucking degenerate gambler, you know, good and goddamn well, I have just as much chance with the information that I'm using of picking a winner as a housewife who doesn't watch a game.

Okay?

So, this first week, I'm not going to say it was dumb luck.

I was going on fucking

how many points the Giants scored against the Eagles.

I know they scored him late.

And then Eli Manning, who's ripped my heart out twice, showed it to me and then very politely ate it and didn't get any blood in his dockers.

dockers.

Right?

And I was like, there's no fucking way that these guys,

I thought that they were going to come away with a win.

I did.

Buccaneers look great.

God bless them.

By the way, who the fuck is this Ron Funchus guy on the

Carolina fucking Panthers?

Guy was killing us all day long.

I don't pray for injuries, but when his leg cramped up, I was like, thank God.

Then he came back out again, caught another first down.

It's like, get that fucking guy out of here.

So, anyways, that's what I was basing it on.

So, I'm going to pick another one Thursday.

And then, you, the degenerate gambler, you got to be wondering,

will old Freckles, will he get lucky two weeks in a row?

Because now I'm in your head, because I won last week.

This is like playing roulette.

Like, going, all right, the last time was black.

Is it going to be another black or is it going to be a red?

Do I sit out this week?

See if it goes two blacks in a row, then I know it's going to be red.

All right?

No, it was red this week.

I'm a fucking goddamn ginger.

All right.

Remember that guy fucking didn't pay his taxes?

Always bet on black.

Always bet on red.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that might be the Photoshop of this week.

That's too fucking easy, right?

That's a movie poster right there.

Always bet on red.

I don't know who's playing next week.

So how about those fucking LA Rams?

Not your same old Rams.

Fucking winning, winning, winning.

Beat the Dallas fucking Cowboys.

Jesus Christ, they're going to have their fucking heads in a noose out there.

All right.

Well, let's get down to it.

Old Billy fucking boozebag

is back.

I fell off the wagon.

I couldn't do it.

I'm fucking with you.

I'm still on the fucking wagon.

I went to Vegas and I passed that test.

I was at the Monte Carlo, not the race, the fucking casino.

Stayed over at the MGM Grand because they're doing some

construction, I guess, on the Monte Carlo.

So they had me across the street.

And

oh my God, what a fucking.

There's no better people watching than when you go to Vegas.

Holy shit.

I went down to the pool.

Yes, I went down to the pool.

I was working with Bartnick.

He's an Italian guy.

He actually has pigment.

So he wanted to go down to the pool.

I was like, all right, fuck it.

I'm not going to stay in the room the whole time.

So I go down to the goddamn pool, dude.

And it was like right as the sun had already started to go down.

It was on the other side of the casino, so there really wasn't any sun on the water.

So there was maybe five or six young people there, and everybody else was my generation or older.

And holy shit.

I know this is a hacky topic.

I know this is, but thank God I never got a tattoo.

Thank fucking Christ.

If you saw these fucking people, and they're my age, man, 49 years old, no shirt on,

All these fucking chicks with their ankle sorority tattoos.

Telling kids what to do with tattoos.

You know what I mean?

And then that good.

What kills me about the tattoo becoming mainstream was the incredible lack of research that most people did.

Their total lack of respect.

for the art form

and the complete lack of respect for themselves

to go out and try to actually find somebody good at it.

I got to tell you, I must have seen 500 fucking tattoos

on about 100 different people down there at the pool.

Everybody just tatted up.

Shit show.

Man, boobs are just pecs sagging down.

You know,

women, you always got to give a pass because

they have to bear children.

All right,

but guys, man, there's no fucking reason.

You just keep doing the push-ups.

Keep the chest high and tight.

What the fuck are you doing?

Lay off the pizza in the booths.

These fucking guys just walking around with their saggy chests and the fucking tribal band, the tramp stamps,

those sorority ankle tattoos, just fucking horrific.

I went down there and was just sitting there, just reminded of my own mortality, going like, Jesus Christ, I really want to fucking act like I'm above these people, but like, you know,

smartest fucking thing

that I didn't do was I never got a tattoo.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Thank Christ I never did it.

You know, I like, it used to be back in the, you know, because look at me, I'm not a tattoo guy.

All right.

Tattoo,

they've got to go back to badasses.

You know what I mean?

Guys in biker gangs or in prison or like chicks who know how to shoot pool and wear leather pants.

Right?

Maybe I'm out of my fucking mind.

So we went down there and we just looked at that fucking

sea of humanity.

And then this guy just comes out just screaming about how he lost 20 grand.

And he had a big grin on his face.

He goes, throw me in the pool.

I can't swim.

Maybe I'll drown.

I just lost 20 grand.

I just lost 20 grand in there.

And I looked at him.

I was like, that fucking guy doesn't have 20 grand.

There's no fucking way he's got 20 grand.

And who fucking walks?

He's just acting like he's a big shot, right?

But maybe he did.

I have no fucking idea.

So

then we went over, we did the show.

And after the show, we sat out by this giant air-conditioning duck.

behind a wall on a picnic table and smoked cigars and it was great and I didn't participate at all in the Vegas shenanigans.

I knew enough when I walked through the lobby and I saw all the young people.

I was like, this is their time.

Don't be the creepy guy hanging around ruining it.

Get the fuck out of here.

So I went back over to the MGM, walked back,

and I got back probably about 12:30 at night.

And that was that first wave of women that had had enough.

You know,

two out of three of them are walking barefoot, carrying their horseshoes, right?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and they're just their dirty feet just walking to the

with their giant fucking drink.

And I was glad that

I did stay out of that and I didn't booze.

Although I did smoke a fucking cigar and kind of did it on an empty stomach.

And I got to admit, I was a little fucking nauseous because it was this giant Cuban.

And the next day, we took the helicopter out and back.

And on the way back, there was like a 17 to 30-not wind, depending on what altitude we were until we really got down low.

Flying over the 15, it got down to like nine knots.

And we're kind of getting pushed around a little bit up there.

And there was a couple of times I was just like, oh my God, feeling a little nauseous up here.

You know, that's not what you want to see from your pilot asking for a puke bag.

I mean, the most comforting thing he can say at that point, you know, it's all right, it's all right, I drank last night.

So, um, anyways, but I got to tell you, man, flying out there, taking the helicopter and going over the Mojave desert,

um,

was it was it was fucking incredible.

The desert is so it's like beautiful, terrifying,

boiling hot and freezing all at the same time.

It's just fucking, uh, I swear to God.

I don't know why.

You know what's something?

If people thought we faked the moon landing, that's probably where they went, right?

They probably just went out to the desert.

You know?

It's a lot of mountains, though.

I don't think they faked it, man.

I think they got up there.

God gives a fuck.

Maybe they did.

There's so much shit for me to fucking babble about.

Did you guys watch the Formula One at all?

Huh?

Did anybody see it?

Did anybody see it at all?

What do I have it here?

Let me get to the fucking standings.

I know, what's his face one from Red Bull?

Red Bull had two fucking cars.

I can never, I always want to say, I always fuck up that guy's name.

The fuck is his name?

Who won it this?

Who won the race today?

The fuck's his name?

What is his name?

Max Verstappen.

Once I think Sebastian Vettel, I can't think Verstappen.

Because that V, like my brain can only handle one V word a minute or the same letter.

I'm telling you, I don't know what the fuck my deal is.

But this is the first race that I saw with Lewis Hamilton or

Valteri Botas in the Mercedes teams, one of the, either one of them, if they're in first fucking place going into the turn, the Mercedes cars are just too goddamn good.

Maybe a Ferrari can run them down.

I've never fucking seen it.

But Red Bull,

this was their day.

This was their track.

They were amazing.

Lewis Hamilton got into fucking the first, it was the first person.

It came out in the lead.

I can't even talk this fucking podcast.

I apologize.

Came out of the first turn in the lead.

And as far as my year and a half of watching this shit, that means you're going to win the race.

Especially if you're in a Mercedes.

And

Verstappen actually came right up on him and went right around him like it was nothing and then opened up like an eight, nine second lead on him.

I have never seen that.

A Mercedes humbled like that by Red Bulls.

So congratulations to them.

Daniel Ricardo came in third place.

And Lewis Hamilton,

fucking steady, steady Eddie there.

Still got second place.

He's got 281 fucking points.

Sebastian Vettel, for whatever fucking reason, Ferrari, I don't know what they're doing.

My daughter had her first cold, man.

So I was kind of watching her.

So I missed the beginning.

All of a sudden, Kimmy Rakinen had something going on with his turbo, and he didn't even fucking drive.

And Sebastian Vettel was way in the back.

So I'm going to guess he either fucked up during the time trials and got some sort of penalty, or they had to switch out a gearbox or some shit that puts you at the back of the race.

You're only allowed to use so many parts, so many engines, or something like that, throughout the season.

So he was all the way in the back.

He was able to work himself all the way up to fourth place,

which was really impressive.

But now he is, he is, what has he got?

He's 34 fucking points.

I mean, I don't think that they'd make it up after that debacle in Singapore.

That absolute fucking three stooges fucking debacle.

I don't think that they make it up.

But it was very exciting as a new fan of Formula One to actually see somebody in first place and get past, actually see a Mercedes-Benz in first place and get past.

It gave me hope that Formula One can be more like that

the way Moto GP is.

All right.

Anyways, let's get to some of the reads here for the week.

Actually, some of the advertising here, shall we?

Where is it?

Oh, look who's here.

Pro Flowers?

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Did I cut that off?

This podcast, it just fucking blows.

What am I doing today?

Oh, look who's here.

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Bill can't fucking read.

Miundies, Beyundies.

My ass is starting to bleed.

But thank God I got fucking silk down by my tank and my balls.

Who fucking cares if I'm bleeding from the...

Ah, Jesus, Bill, that's not.

That's just disgusting.

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Going, oh my god, they feel amazing.

You just zoom in and zoom in out really quickly, you know, to get that effect.

So you can't really see the junk.

You just see the sock, right?

And it's so fucking weird that the millennials buy it.

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Well, I don't understand.

Who the fuck buys flowers in October?

It's the end.

Don't they die this time of year?

You buy them in the spring.

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What, when they fucking they turn colors because they can't breathe anymore?

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Code name Burr.

What is that fucking thing called?

Let's do a search here.

Thanksgiving

horn thing

basket

squash.

See if this gets anything.

Bam!

A cornucopia.

It's a cornucopia basket.

Look at that.

I nailed it.

Thanksgiving horn thing basket squash.

Got me there.

All right.

All right.

Is that it?

Is that it for the reading?

What else did I want to talk about?

Did I handle everything?

I think I did.

By the way, I'm going to be in St.

Petersburg, Florida at the Mahaffey Theater.

They added a late show this Friday night.

It's going to be me,

Rosebow, Tailgate, Legend, aka

the

Crown Royal Kid.

Joe Bartnick, that's his new nickname.

The Crown Royal Kid.

He just got signed to a three-year deal.

Paul Versey.

Paul, dude, I called it, Versey.

Whatever you do, do not bring up that his Giants are 0-4.

Okay?

He's very sensitive.

We're going to be down there.

And Thursday night, I'm going to the Patriots first Tampa game.

I'm going to be respectful.

I'm not wearing my Patriots gear because I don't want to listen to everybody giving me shit.

I don't need all that shit.

Even if we were undefeated, I still wouldn't wear it.

I've learned.

I just go there.

I silently root for my fucking team.

If Tampa wins, I say congratulations.

Who gives a fuck?

This is the last...

NFL team that I need to see a home game of.

And then I'll have gone to all the baseball and all the football at a professional level.

And in my world of doing horrible in school and going to colleges, numerous colleges during my college career, none of which, oh, I went to NC State for my first, my freshman year,

sort of.

I was in the off-campus program.

I literally fucking drove into the library and watched the classes on cassette tape like I had some sort of fucking.

terminal disease.

That was my first semester.

And second semester, I had two classes, both of which I flunked because by then I decided I didn't want to be in North Carolina.

So I sort of went there.

This was back when NC State Wolfpack had like Chucky Brown and Charles, I think it was Charles Shackelford, I believe.

They still had grass seats in the end zone.

I went to a Carolina

state game there.

Then I went to a couple other schools.

Ended up in Emerson.

Emerson, I don't even know what our fucking mascot is.

I have no idea what it it is.

Anyways,

it's like a final draft software or some shit.

The fuck am I talking about?

Yes, I'm going to be in St.

Petersburg, and then I'm going to, on Saturday, we're going to the Florida Gators

versus LSU.

Mighty LSU.

So I will be silently rooting for, I like Florida too, but I'll be rooting for LSU, man.

I can't fucking...

Just because they lost to the Sunbelt Trojans,

the fuck.

But I'll get to go to the legendary swamp.

And I actually love both those teams, but I decided to hitch my wagon to LSU, so I can't just like fucking jump.

I'm not going to be a cunt on either one of those.

I'm just going to be happy to be at that legendary field

at the swamp and then also to be at the

Pirates of the Caribbean

stadium that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers play in.

All right, Lewis Hamilton on HBO.

Hey, Bill, big fan.

Just wanted to let you know that Lewis Hamilton is going to be featured on HBO's Real Sports tonight.

I got to watch that.

If you miss it,

I'm sure you can watch it later on demand.

Keep doing your thing.

Love efforts for family, and the podcast is a weekly ritual for me.

Best wishes to you and your growing family.

Oh, thank you very much.

I'm going to try to check that out.

I follow Lewis Hamilton on Twitter, and I saw that he had some announcement to make, and it looked like he was wearing some Moto GP suit, and he was walking towards a motorcycle.

Now, there's no fucking way the Mercedes team is going to let him do that, right?

I don't think so, so I don't know what the announcement was.

Maybe it's that he got another diamond stud for his other side of his nose.

I have no idea.

I don't pretend to live in that man's stratosphere.

I live in the troposphere.

He lives in the stratosphere.

All right, the Buccaneers logo, everybody.

Hey,

Bullet Bill.

The original Buccaneers logo was taken from the school I went to,

Beloit College.

They settled in court and Beloit won because the school has been around before the NFL.

The school is big in the liberal arts culture and the conversation of changing the mascot due to the barbaric history of the Buccaneers.

The school actually has two mascots, an official and unofficial.

The unofficial

is a turtle, and they're trying to see if they can make it the official mascot over the Buccaneer.

Good lord.

I could give a fuck about it, but how would you feel if the Patriots were to change to a pussy animal?

First of all, I fucking love turtles.

If you don't like turtles, man, there's something wrong with you.

They're awesome.

They don't bug anybody.

And if you think they're pussies, go out and go get bit by one.

I fucking love turtles.

I had one as a pet.

I went to church and I came home and it drowned.

Its name was Ralph, and I buried it in the fucking woods.

I never got another one.

Thanks for bringing it up.

Anyways, some pussy animal because they're associated with white nationalists or whatever grotesque historical events that is beyond our control.

The funny thing about that is all the liberal white people that go along with doing that shit do not want to give up their land or their flat-screen TVs.

I get, you know, so as a

half-assed,

you know, gesture, they're going to get rid of the mascot.

Like, obviously, I feel the Redskins, I mean, it's literally like a racial slur.

So I get that one.

But this other shit, I mean, I don't know.

Liberal people want to get rid of it, but I feel that's kind of a way of

getting away with being cunts is you're kind of getting rid of the evidence.

You know, if they have the buccaneer on the side, they'll be like, well, who's that?

And be like, oh, yeah, that was a group of white people that came over here and just massacred a bunch of fucking people.

Just took a bunch of shit.

They were evil.

They were evil.

And for all I know, you are one of their descendants.

But if you just make it all go away and there's just a turtle,

I don't know.

I think they give human beings too much credit.

Like, you have to understand that we're kind of out of our fucking minds.

Something, some of it has to do with power.

I don't know what it is, but

I don't know.

We get too much power.

We behave like those fucking chimpanzees when they go out and hunt other monkeys.

You know what I mean?

I'll never fucking get over watching that.

I just, it's the human, the way they get excited and the way they torture the other fucking monkey rather than just kill the fucking thing is

a level of like

sedate.

That's why I don't like cats.

I don't like how they just won't kill the mouse, how the fucking thing's freaking out.

Just put it out of its fucking misery.

They want to still want to have fun with it.

Like if somebody said we're descendants of cats, I'd be like, yeah, I fucking believe that.

We're always always sneaking up on each other, trying to stab one another, you know?

Anyways, I respect cats, though, you know?

I respect them all.

I'm just saying, you know.

Just that behavior is just fucking weird.

Anyways, he says, love the fuck out of the podcast.

Been listening since 2011.

I've followed your comedy since.

Why do I do this?

Thank you for all the laps.

Hope your family is doing well.

Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, my baby girl had a little bit of the sniffles.

Dude, when a baby has a cold and it sneezes, that's the funniest shit ever.

They don't cover their mouth and just, it's fucking unreal.

It's like poltergeist.

And what's that, what's that Nickelodeon slime?

So if you got a baby,

somebody told me this is good advice was just to get like a facecloth and have it wet and just, you know, dab at it so you don't make their nose all raw and all that stuff.

Obviously.

Frequently rinse it out, change it.

I know this is disgusting, but it was kind of what I was doing.

I feel like I gave her the cold because I came back from Toronto and I felt like I had, was fighting off something.

And I'm not going to not hug and kiss my daughter.

Is that my daughter in there?

Right?

So I was hanging out with her and

Nia was out with some friends this weekend.

So it was kind of, I got to be the single dad.

And I got to tell you, man, I fucking loved it.

You know?

I don't know what these single parents are complaining about.

I did it for about eight hours and I didn't have a problem at all.

No, it was awesome.

She watched the Formula One race with me and she watched the Patriots game.

I got her a Patriots onesie.

I think it said little but awesome or something like that.

It has the Patriot logo on it.

And whenever it's Football Sunday.

And what's cool is Nia is not into sports and shit, so she didn't want her to have a bunch of sports shit, but I just bought it anyways.

And

she fought for like two seconds.

He's like, all right, if you're into that, fine.

She gets it.

She gets it.

So that's what it is.

Football Sunday.

I come home.

She's got two different Patriots onesies.

I got to get her a Bruins one for the season coming up.

And, oh, it's playoff baseball.

Joe Buck at his finest.

F is for families, Joe Buck at his finest.

Looking forward to that.

Crossing my fingers for a Yankees Red Sox matchup.

Another classic series.

Who knows who wins this?

You know, I don't know how many times we played this year, but we were dead even.

You know, if we played 18 times, we went 9-9.

And I got it to be interesting serious because I haven't seen Price be able to beat the fucking Yankees, at least in the second half when I was paying attention.

So we'll see.

How many home runs did Judge end up with?

I love all the people that have given him shit.

I was so happy that he got fucking 50.

These fucking cunts.

Dude, I'm telling you, they say the home run derby fucks up your swing.

Oh, is that what they say?

Is that what they say?

You're not a football scout, are you?

All right, Aaron Judge, All fucking rise.

Court is in session.

Have you reached a verdict?

We get it.

His last name's Judge.

Aaron Judge, stats.

Here we go.

I know he got 50.

What did he finish with?

Home runs.

50 fucking two.

Holy shit.

That is fucking amazing.

52 home runs.

I don't everybody give him shit about his strikeouts.

Gives a fuck.

114 RBIs, 127 base on balls, 208 strikeouts, 52 home runs.

He had 542 at bats.

And he still hit 284.

With 208 strikeouts, he still hit 284.

That's fucking amazing.

What a season.

Congratulations to him.

I hope he beat you.

I hope he beat you if we fucking, you know.

I'm not one of those cunts that can't recognize greatness.

That's fucking amazing.

All right.

Dear Billy Button Nose.

I thought this was interesting.

A new French law says that photos must come with a disclaimer that they're photoshopped.

I love the French.

I fucking love the French.

You know what I mean?

You know why?

Because they're fucking going around having threesomes and they're sick of being excited about bringing somebody else into their relationship and they don't look like the fucking picture.

You know what I mean?

I get it.

Anyways, it's being done to discourage unhealthy extreme thinness among people trying to emulate unrealistic body shapes that were faked with a computer program.

All right, so I was a little off the mark on that.

This could really change the landscape for models, right?

There's a sports equivalent in there somewhere.

Love you, love Nia.

Keep up the good work.

Yeah, I mean, I think that's probably, that's not for adults.

That's for more.

I think that's for kids.

Because I noticed, you know, when I went to Toronto, I couldn't believe how good-looking the people were.

And I've just been going around in general, just noticing how good-looking people are.

And I was just like, what the fuck is going on?

And what I think it is, I think it's a result of everybody being on social media.

And you post a picture of yourself, and, you know, all the stuff that you didn't like about yourself, and then shit that you didn't even recognize.

That evidently people, other people noticed in comments.

You know, hey, dude, you fucking nice new profile picture but I gotta I gotta ask

what's up with your right ear what's up with that shirt what's up with the blah blah blah you know and then

it's unreal and then you start getting like a fucking complex social media is

other than promoting

anyways I just feel like for me social media I promote gigs and I go on and I try to make people laugh that's it but to actually go on there and look at comments, it's just not a healthy thing.

I don't think it's healthy for anybody.

Even if you're the most beautiful fucking person in the world, because you know at some point you're going to start to go down the other side and then the comments,

hey, you're still hot, but you're starting to look, starting to show your age there.

LOL, just kidding.

You know I love you.

That's all somebody who's got nothing but fucking compliments needs to hear.

And then it's just a downward spiral into fucking Botox and all of that shit.

If I could promote anything,

just fucking, just act your goddamn age.

That's the best way to do it.

Just as

you're in your 40s, dress like you're in your 40s.

Keep yourself in good fucking shape.

There's a certain number you hit, and the best you can be at that point is you look good for your age.

And if somebody says that to you, it's a fucking compliment.

You got to be young.

You weren't cheated.

All right?

Stop trying to fucking hang on by your fingernails.

It's fucking over.

Let young people be young.

Let them have whatever the fuck it is they're doing with those goddamn DJs.

I don't get it, but it's their shit.

Let them have it.

Stop showing up

with your Botox face asking if anybody has any Molly.

Okay?

You're creeping people out.

All right.

It's over.

My public service announcement is over.

All right, apocalypse prep.

Hey, Bill, recently my girlfriend got mad that I don't have anything prepared in case of a hurricane or a massive flood.

I'm not naive, but we live in Kansas City.

I told her that while I have a flashlight, extra cases of water, and a generator, not bad for a 25-year-old homeowner, that's pretty fucking great.

And you own a home of 25.

Congratulations.

I don't have a box titled Apocalypse Shit.

She said, I never think about the future.

Oh boy.

I told, well, you know, at least she's not asking for a kid.

What do you mean I don't think about the future?

I bought a house.

You dizzy broad.

I told her that a gas-powered generator is literally a symbol for the future.

You talk about this stuff all the time, but have you actually got anything ready?

Thanks.

P.S.

Love the music and the throwbacks.

Well, thank Andrew Themelis.

He's the one who picks out the music.

I bought some shit.

I bought some bucket of fucking food that, you know, would last forever.

And like the lid on the bucket

also doubled as a toilet seat and you could shit in the bucket.

But then I don't know where your food went.

I went down the rabbit hole, you know,

about 10 years ago, thinking about, you know, going off the grid and fucking buying gold and silver coins and all of this shit.

And then I was, then I just went the other way.

And I was just like, you know, I don't think I want to survive the apocalypse.

I'm fine if I'm laying in the street.

You know what I mean?

Because then I would just live this unbelievable quality life.

And then once the apocalypse hit and everything sucked, I wouldn't have to fucking live through it, you know?

You know, like when a fucking player

like,

say, like Doc Rivers, like, you know, he won a championship with the Celtics, and then they totally dismantled the team.

He's like, dude, I'm too fucking old to go through a rebuilding year.

That's how I feel with like society, okay?

It's just been great every fucking day of my life, okay?

I just, you know,

my fucking dresser drawer is full of championship rings.

I got to live in this country, looking how I looked.

I fucking lucked out.

I'm not gonna fucking lie to you.

I lucked out.

So, if all of that shit goes away, you know what I mean, and everything just collapses, and then fucking prisoners are.

I'm not gonna fucking survive that.

So, that'll be it.

You know what I mean?

I'd fucking

down a bottle of booze

and then just turn this.

I guess it's different now that I got a family.

I don't know.

Maybe I'll buy a generator.

All right, movie lines.

Movie lines.

I gave you one this week.

See, she, she,

uh, dear Billy Bass Drum.

This is the best line from a.

Can we talk bass drums here for a second?

Everybody I know has a different fucking way of tuning the goddamn bass drum.

What is your, what is the way that you do it?

Do you get a good sound out of of it?

I just had somebody blew my fucking mind when I thought it was you just tuned the batterhead.

You know, that was the one that I thought you put a little tension to.

And then I thought the other side, you just fucking, you know, just,

you know, tightened it past the wrinkle.

All right?

Because, hey, you want to move that air.

Right?

You also want to have, I don't know, the fucking beater have something to rebound off of.

And then i met somebody and he fucking tells me the exact opposite thing and then i met somebody this weekend and he goes back the other way i don't know what the fuck to do all i know is my bass drum tuning sucks

so um

whatever i'm gonna give it another shot i'm just gonna you just have to have the balls to just just keep undoing it and doing it back again and just dealing with whatever shit sound you come up with and each time hopefully Getting it a little bit better.

But I'm always open to listen to people.

Any ideas you have, please let me know.

All right, dear Billy Bass drum.

This is the best line from a supporting character in a movie.

It's from Wayne's World 2.

There's nothing vulgar, so you can play it on air.

Wayne and Garth had brought a Roadie back from the UK to help

put on a concert.

While hanging out, he tells them this crazy

story, rock and roll story, about Ozzie, Jeff Beck, and Keith Richards.

Give it a listen.

All right, let's hope there's no fucking racial slurs in this like there was last week.

For some reason, the link isn't working.

Oh, why won't the link work?

Where is it?

Oh, you know what?

I have to go over here.

Hang on, I'll hit pause so you don't have to torture your way through this.

All right, we're back.

Here we go.

Here it is.

Here it is.

Come on.

glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage.

No one's going to be able to hear this, dude.

I don't know why.

It's super fucking quiet.

What's going on here?

I got all the volumes up.

Oh, I know this thing, and that's when he, in the end, he said, you know, he goes into the store to go buy him.

He would need to buy chocolate MMs to fill up into Ozzy's brandy glass.

And he goes there, and the

place was closed, and they had some dog.

He fights off the dog, and then he had to murder the owners with their own shoes, right?

I think that's what it is.

I'm sorry, dude.

I don't know if anybody can hear this.

Can you hear it?

with a can of mace.

But the shop owner and his son, that's a different story altogether.

I had to beat them to death with their own shoes.

Nasty business.

There you go.

Nasty business, isn't it?

I never watched.

I know I never saw Wayne's World.

That was right when I started doing stand-up, so I fucking missed out on it.

I was too busy trying to get on stage.

Oh, by the way, the ticket link for the All Things Comedy Podcast Festival is in Phoenix.

It's up at billbird.com.

For the first time ever, I am going to do a live

Monday morning podcast.

Now, the first thing you should be asking yourself is, like, you're going to have a guest?

No.

Are you going to address the crowd?

No.

I'm going to go out there.

I'm going to get a bed and I'm just going to lay down in it.

You guys are fucking sit there and watch it.

I don't know if it's going to work, but we'll see.

We'll see.

It's going to be more like a play.

It's going to have headphones on.

I'm going to block out people laughing.

I'll probably, I have to react to the crowd, but I'm not going to be fucking going out there doing stand-up or any of that.

I'm going to sit down and I'm just going to fucking do my part.

You know, you're just going to be able to watch it.

I got to have some sort of commemorative t-shirt or a poster, some shit.

But that is going down in Phoenix, Arizona.

I've never done the video thing.

I did it one time at the All Things Comedy podcast, I guess.

I did it one time.

But if you ever wanted to see what the fuck this shit looks like,

who knows?

Maybe it won't work.

Like rap, like rap live.

Remember when they, no, I'm sorry.

Rap with a live band.

Remember that?

When they tried to do that unplugged?

The only guy who ever pulled it off was LL Cool J.

He pulled it off.

Everybody else, it just never, it just didn't fucking work.

You gotta add the guy on the turntables.

I'm probably wrong about that, but I just said it and I'm gonna stick by it.

All right, fat phobic.

Dear Billy Backbreaker, I'm a 28-year-old Hawaii male living in Ohio.

I've been single for nearly four years now.

Congratulations.

I consider myself to be an active guy, rock climbing, going to the gym.

Is this like your Tinder fucking bullshit you're sending me?

I like to rock climb, go to the gym, cycling, etc.

Anyways, I used to be overweight at 250 pounds, and over the course of a year, I was able to get down to 172 pounds and maintain that due to the activeness in eating a plant-based diet.

Good for fucking you, sir.

Making me fuck, you're inspiring me.

Good for you, man.

What a great thing you did.

My situation is this: I have some ladies that have expressed their interest in me.

However, the majority of them are overweight and have no self-control when it comes to their diet and exercise.

I'm not attracted to bigger women, which puts me in a difficult situation when they very openly flirt and invite me out.

Why?

You're not attracted to them.

That's totally fine.

And it's totally fine to not be into overweight people.

I don't know why you have to pretend that you're into people that you're not into so the person,

you know, eating the fucking Drake's cake can feel good about themselves.

What about you?

There's still a victim in there.

Okay?

And considering being out of shape is curable for most people.

I'm not saying it's not a disease, but for most people, they do what you do.

Plant-based diet, they get active and it fucking falls off.

Plus, considering you are a fatty,

this is like an alcoholic, you know, who got sober.

You're going to go hang out with an alcoholic.

I guarantee you, you'll become a fat fuck hanging out with him, right?

And then where are you going to be?

You're going to be laying down if she tries to ride you on top.

I hope you got enough to fucking still get it in there.

Your two bellies slapping together.

You don't want to be part of that, do you?

The ladies can turn down men, no problem.

But when a man turns down a lady, some of the ladies I work with and

I've known for years.

Some of the ladies I work with and are close friends I've known for years.

Why the fuck would you date them anyways?

They know that I've been single for four years.

Honestly, I am picky and I've also learned to be happy after multiple bad relationships.

Dude, you are fucking crushing life right now.

Don't fuck it up by dating some fatty that you work with because society is telling you that you're not progressive if you don't.

Anyways, so when I deny a date request or don't flirt back with them, they say that I'm fat phobic.

Is this what this has come to?

Like if some fat fucking man-titted douche came walking up to them, pressing his dick up against them.

I mean, that's what the fuck they're doing to you.

Sticking their fucking clam in your face.

Smelling like a Jim Dandy Sunday at Friendly's, right?

What the fuck?

Fuck off.

I'm not fat fat phobic.

I just weigh 172 pounds and I know that I can get a better fucking cut of meat.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to go that mean.

I'm just saying, because that fat phobic pissed me off.

All right, you should respect everybody.

Just say, listen,

I used to be fat like you, and I started rock climbing.

Why don't you rock climb?

Okay, or at least maybe just stare at a bunch of rocks instead of eating Rocky Road ice cream every fucking weekend.

Maybe I'll throw you a bang every once in a while, as Dice Clay says.

I'll throw you a bang.

Yeah, dude, can I tell you something right now?

This fucking woman's movement thing is completely out of control.

It's completely out of control.

They are, not all of them, but so many of them are everything that they're fucking preaching that they don't want guys to do to them.

Okay?

There, you know, you have the absolute 100%

right

to date whoever the fuck you want to date.

You have the right to be as shallow as you fucking want to be.

You can date for looks for 10 fucking years if you want to before you want to settle down and get serious.

You know, and if you wait too long, you're going to pay the price, but it's your life.

Don't let it.

This is your fucking life, dude.

You're going to date some fucking fatty?

And you don't want to just so what?

Those cunts at work will look at you in a better way?

I wouldn't do that.

Just be like, yeah, my dance cart is full.

All right?

These are the measurements I like, and I'm not ashamed of it.

Okay?

That's what I find attractive.

As do you.

Can I tell you something?

All of those women at work, if they could be

the size that you find attractive, would be.

You know what I mean?

And they ate their way into that position.

It's their job to eat their way out the same way you did.

So you had to get on a bike, you had to climb a bunch of rocks, you had to do all this shit.

Now, you're in game shape, right?

You're fucking in Kobe Bryant shape, and they're showing up like Shaq, and they want to try to play their way into shape.

Remember how Kobe used to always give Shaq shit for doing that?

Yeah, fuck that.

Anyways, he says, I've never pointed out their weight, but when I have openly expressed interest in other women while talking to the other guys at work, the women start to shame me.

All right, dude, you know what?

I was on your side until you said shame.

What the fuck happened to me?

What happened to people?

They shame you?

You just fucking laugh at them.

Saying that I only like bones and twigs.

I get along with everybody, so I never strike back.

Well, that's your problem.

With anything in fear that I might be taken to HR for God knows what in days.

Also, having denied some of the women, they've gone as far as to not speak to me

as much and tell other female co-workers how horrible of a man I am, leaving them to have bad attitudes against me just because I won't date them.

Dude, what do you look like, Burt Reynolds?

What the fuck's going on here?

I would, yeah.

Listen, this is the deal.

Women go to HR.

Guys just laugh at it.

So just laugh at it, dude.

You know what I would do?

I would be overly friendly to the ones that hate me.

You know?

Morning, Sue.

You look lovely today.

Kill them with kindness.

And then I would bring the most smoking hot fucking chick you could find

to the fucking Christmas party.

That's what you got to do.

Anyways, he says it's true.

I'm not attracted to bigger women.

That's fine.

There's nothing wrong with that.

But women sit around all day talking about guys having to be this tall, have this facial hair, wear these clothes.

But when a man has any sort of criteria, we get shamed.

Dude, stop saying that.

Okay, being shamed is totally within your own power at the age that you're at.

Okay, if you're a fucking teenager or younger, I get it.

All right.

But at some point, you got to be comfortable with how you look.

Okay.

You got to get comfortable with yourself.

And then someone can't shame you unless you actually did something shameful.

Yeah.

If you kicked a puppy across the room.

You know what I mean?

You don't want to be comfortable enough with yourself that you can handle the criticism and have it not affect you.

You should feel shame.

All right.

Anyways, he goes, I'm writing to hopefully get your take on the matter and hear what you would do in this situation.

I will never see desiring a fit, healthy person who cares about their body as a bad thing.

No, you shouldn't.

And that's something that all people should aspire to be.

Fit and in shape, healthier than they were yesterday, as much as you can.

You know, obviously the aging process, you're getting older every second.

one step closer to the grave, right?

But, you know, in the meantime, yeah.

Thanks for all the good laughs.

You and Nia are the friends I wish I had in real life.

That's so nice.

Have a good day and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, dude.

And by the way, that goes for women too.

Goes for women too.

All right.

Yeah, date what the fuck you want to date.

And if you want to be shallow,

you know,

and just date hot people, then just do that.

See what that's like.

It's up to you.

I don't understand.

You know what I mean?

Like,

you know what you have at work, dude?

You have a bunch of busy bodies.

You know, and there's these people out there that want to be the person to say, I introduced this person to that person.

Oh, dude, I swear to God, man.

I swear to God.

You find the hottest fucking chick you can fucking find.

You can fucking find.

Take her to the goddamn Christmas party.

And by the way, let her know what's up.

Let her know what's up.

I would tell some hot chick that whole fucking story.

And you know, hot chicks love being hot.

Nothing that they would make them feel hotter than to go down there and have a bunch of women look at her and just hate her because how fucking hot she is.

There you go.

Find that chick.

Maybe she's into sports too.

Next thing you know, you guys are running the country.

Not the country, the company.

That's perfect.

Oh, it's a fantasy, but maybe you can make it happen, sir.

Good luck to you.

Good luck to you.

And that's it.

And by the way, there's plenty of guys out there that like big women.

You know what I mean?

It's plenty.

It's up to you to be happy with your own fucking body.

All right?

I'm telling you.

Telling you.

Just fucking have a salad.

Have one fucking salad a day.

Start fucking working out.

Read up as much as you can on nutrition.

Try the best you can to eat the best food you can, which is really difficult.

You know, that's all you could do.

Then other than that, leave people alone and let them date who the fuck they want to date.

All right, that is the podcast for this week.

Go fuck yourselves.

And I'll give you my fucking pick of the week on Thursday.

That's it when I'm in Tampa for

Thursday night football.

Oh God, they're going to be wearing those ugly underroot fucking jerseys.

What do they call them?

The Fulcourt press jerseys, whatever the the fuck they call them.

All right, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Hey, there he is.

What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast for NFL week number.

Oh my god, it's dude.

It's going on to week number five already.

And

I'm your host, Paul Bersey, over here.

Bill Burr over there.

We have Jake the Snake with injury reports, as always.

And we we have andrew semliss uh producer extraordinaire uh i finally hit a couple of games here but dude this is the weirdest year because no lead is safe

dude i had the colts last week

i had the fucking colts like they score a touchdown and the guy like dropped the fucking ball They had another touchdown and the same guy was holding.

So, I mean, he probably wouldn't have got a touchdown if the guy wasn't holding.

But, like,

and then I'm like, all right, I hit the Colts three and a half.

There's like,

I don't know how much time left.

And,

you know, Collinsworth is always like, there's plenty of time.

It's like, just 45 seconds.

They're on their own 20.

And then they score.

So I was thinking, like, all right, they're going to go down the field.

I know they're going to go down the field.

And for some reason, like a 50-yarder out of nowhere, Paul, like, is a chip shot?

Dude.

Like, I'm not supposed to be thinking they're juicing up the ball.

It's insane, right?

So, anyway,

first play, paul first play they're they're 88 yards away

the colts cornerback gets turned around clicks his own feet falls down

the guy ran him for a touchdown i lost my bet

it was like you know there's those bets you lose when you yell at the tv and then there's the ones where you just sort of stare at the tv just like

it's a delayed one Like that Eddie Murphy bit talking about getting hit.

You ever get hit in the nuts and there's like a 30-second delay before it it hurts?

It's like that bit.

It's like that bit, the same thing where you're just sitting there and then you fucking.

Yeah, I um

yeah, I wouldn't.

Well, the one thing I'm getting from this year definitely is the point.

The half a point has either the half a point is coming into play big time this year more than ever.

That 0.5 scares the out of me every time now.

I, I, you know, and it's, dude, it's,

I don't want to be floating floating conspiracy theories out here, but it's like these, these leagues, they're there to make money.

And now they got involved in gambling.

And they made this amount of money in their corporations.

And they have to figure out how to keep making more and more money.

So I think that they got to play like a game here.

We got to make more money on the gambling, but we can't do it so much that they stop.

Like these conversations, they have to take place.

Or maybe the system is just already in play.

Like maybe they are.

They're probably just, they are this good.

Yeah, but yeah, because it's been like this before gambling.

They're good.

They're good.

Dude, I mean, I look at this shit five seconds before we start talking, you know?

How about the Giants beating the Chargers, huh?

I'm happy for you, but like, I don't like the Chiefs now being two and two and everybody, oh, they're fucking back and everything.

I just, like, if I had to describe their offense, I would call it Kunty.

Their offense is

it's just like you got him and then he scampers first, first down, or you're gonna get him and then he throws the ball.

It's just not

it, I don't know what it is.

It's it's it's it's uh

I just find it so hard to watch.

It's just not like let's

just line up, may the best man win.

It's always like

somebody slips on a banana peel and they get a fucking first down flag.

It just, it's the most,

it's interesting, I should say.

But I also will say that like the level of speed that is in the NFL now and the horrible tackling,

like just people just running through defenses.

Like, did he just run through three guys?

Are those guys even trying?

Like, there's some really,

I don't know if it's because they can't lead with the head again

anymore.

And they just, the fundamentals of tackling,

I don't know.

they're going through them like butter

um

what's going on with your patriots you like what you're seeing with new england yes i'm beyond excited dude we we've been we had our first blowout victory since uh

2018 now that last year tom was with us like he didn't have anybody to throw to or whatever that lost season and then cam newton came in and that didn't work and then mac jones and that didn't work and belichek leaves then they bring in Bale for one year they hire him to fire him waiting for Brable which was really not was my not as a fan was not a fun thing to watch so yes the fact that we're two and two and like you know if we didn't have six turnovers and a zillion penalties I mean, I don't want to take anything away from the Steelers.

I mean, they got those six turnovers, but like it's six turnovers at some point.

You're not taking care of the ball.

We could easily be three and one.

So the fact that we're two and two,

I'm really happy about that.

And,

you know, Drake May can move so he can extend plays.

And,

you know, he's got a decent arm and stuff.

We got that Stevenson kid, although he, you know, he said a couple of fumbles or whatever.

But like, you know, I like what we see.

You know, there's some of the same problems that we've had, but I feel like we're going to improve each week.

And I'm hoping by the end of October.

You know, we're going to be like, you know, they're that four and five team.

No one wants to play.

You know,

that's all I'm looking for out of this season.

It's funny, though, you know what?

I recently got asked to do this sketch, and it was written by this sports channel, dude, like the fucking Patriot hatred.

So they wanted me to do some fucking thing where I was sitting at a bar all upset about how bad the Patriots were and looking back on Tom Brady.

They so want that.

Like, I've never seen a dynasty so fucking disrespectful.

You know,

I did Rich Eisen.

I broke his balls.

He goes, hey, you see Belichick's first game

on Carolina.

It's just like, dude, I'm sorry they beat your team for 20 years.

You know,

everyone's like trying to take the joy the fans had away.

I don't know.

It's fucking nuts to me.

That's happened in sports.

Yeah, like.

Winning teams that have historic winning, there just is a hatred out there because of that, that like resentment.

But it's not usually supported by the media.

but the new york sports fucking media dude has hammers us fucking hammers us and they control the narrative dude you guys spend a zillion dollars to win a world series and they and the espn literally goes and all is right in baseball like it's wrong if you guys aren't it's fucking nuts and then We start winning and it's like, oh, they fucking cheated.

Oh, now it's over.

Oh, now you're miserable.

It's like, no, man, it was fucking great.

I hope it happens to you.

Like, i'm actually at this point in football right now paul that i i don't hate anybody because all the villains and all the storylines are gone yeah

it's true it's like eli retired brady retired pete carroll left seattle he's in the raiders i don't care now nick saban is gone I was watching Alabama against Georgia.

I was trying to hate Alabama.

Like, I liked Alabama before they won it every year.

And just for fun, I just started rooting for LSU.

But it's just kind of like, I don't, I don't, there's nobody, I don't hate anybody right now.

How about this one, Bill?

We got to talk about this on the show today.

In a few short hours,

the one and done Yanks Red Sox to go on to the next thing.

I don't need this in my life, dude.

Oh, dude, I haven't watched it.

I've checked in.

I can't watch it.

I got kids, dude.

I honestly, I can't.

They see me when I can't find an oven mitten in the kitchen.

They don't need me to see me watching my Red Sox in playoff baseball against the Yankees.

I'm not doing that to them.

So

it's funny.

I watched like almost every dog day of summer game.

And now like playoffs, it's just like, like, I just, I don't know.

You know what that is, Bill?

That's self-awareness.

Yeah.

Self-awareness.

No, somebody, a good friend of mine told me one time that she held her temper because she realized

you know her husband didn't deserve she goes he doesn't deserve this and that just stuck with me and i was just thinking my kids don't deserve this

that's that's really great for a wife to say too uh oh you know now she's she's like but that was like out of all the self-help stuff that i've read and all that like that keeps

reoccurring in my brain like bill people don't deserve this shut up you know what i notice about myself though as much as i'm a sports fan and you know i'm a huge sports fan I don't, I just, when my team loses, I kind of look, I take it, and I, dude, I was on the airplane on the way here.

By the way, I'm in Sacramento.

That's why I look like this, everybody.

I'll be at the Sacramento punchline tonight and Cobbs in Sacramento and then Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco tomorrow.

But dude,

I'm sitting on the plane and there's a guy in front of me.

So like I'm window and then he's aisle in front.

And I'm seeing his TV and he's watching the Yankee game.

He's a big Yankee fan.

And he just gave a fuck on the level that made me go, am I that big?

He was just like,

and like he was trying to be quiet.

And then the Yankees got like two runs.

He's going, ah, and he's like looking around and people are looking at him.

And it's like,

I like it, but I don't get, like, it doesn't do to me what it does to like my son or some people.

And I just.

I was that guy.

I just, it's embarrassing.

It's embarrassing to give.

And it's also a,

you just say, it's like dating a fucking stripper to use that thing, because it's just like you have a one in 32 chance that you're going to end the season happy.

And that's if you're with a franchise that is sort of caught a wave and they got the right owner, the right GM, the right manager, the right guys, the right chemistry.

So much has to go your way

just to get there to maybe win it.

You know what I mean?

Um,

I don't know, dude.

Like Aaron Boone, it's just fucking unreal.

It's like the guy brought brought you guys to the World Series last year.

It's just like there's nothing he can do.

People just dump their day on that guy.

And it's like, you know, this guy has done,

you know, he's done a good job.

I don't know what, like, I don't know.

People just like, you know, after the fact, why'd he leave this guy?

And he should have done this, you know.

And

I don't know.

Some people say he's not even managing it.

It's just fucking analytics.

I don't know, but I feel for that guy.

I've been there, Paul.

Yeah.

All right, man.

Well, let's get into the picks right now for week number five.

We have a, this is the worst one that I've seen.

This is a, I don't like these lines.

These are the worst lines I've seen.

It's week five.

I got one out of the gate that I love.

Do you?

I got one that I love.

Wait a minute.

We have a, this is an odd.

So, and this is five.

So you go first.

Okay.

All right, Paul.

There's something about this Thursday night game.

Oh.

I remember hearing some time ago that

when the coaches only have four days

to plan, they have simple game plans.

Okay, so I think if Sirianni had a whole week to plan,

I like

seven and a half.

I'm sorry, I'm not the Eagle.

Sorry.

If what's his face?

Who's that guy that

who's that coach for the Rams?

McVay.

McVay, yeah.

If McVay had a week to really utilize all of this stuff and his guys had all this time to heal up,

it's the half point that I don't like.

So I'm thinking because it's Thursday, I can see him winning by a touchdown, right?

I think it's, you know, division rivalry.

They're always fucking close.

Now it's eight and a half.

I got an old line here.

I like it even better.

49ers, eight and a half.

I love this pick.

Okay.

Paul, this is a guy that's won like two games this year.

Telling you.

Paul, Paul, I love that car.

Bill, Bill, I'm like two games better.

That's how bad I am.

I love that.

Just picture Jimmy the Gent listening to my picks.

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with you?

All right.

I like the 49ers

eight and a half.

I'm pretty confident about that.

I don't know why.

I'm not saying it's going to happen, but I feel really good about that, Paul.

I like that pick.

That's a lot of points with a good team.

For my pick, this is a no-brainer.

This is a Paul Versey special.

If there was ever a Paul Versee pick in the history of the show, this is what it is.

And it's simple.

It's a great Chargers team losing a close game to the Giants, and they're coming home against the Commanders, and they're under a field goal.

I'm taking that every day and Sunday

at a day, I'm taking it.

So

I'm going to take Justin Herbert and the Chargers to bounce back after losing to the Giants and beat the Washington Commanders minus two and a half.

All right, here's the Siriani game against Sean Payton.

Broncos Eagles.

Eagles at home, three and a half.

I know the Broncos are supposed to be good.

I mean, I think they're AFC West good.

I don't think they're NFC East good.

Three and a half.

I like the Eagles.

I feel like,

you know, whatever hangover they had about the Super Bowl and shit, they want to win another one.

I think he's got them going.

I think they cover.

I like that, and I like the confidence you had in that pick.

Paul, you know, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, so I'm a little bleary-eyed.

Dude,

my basement flooded last night when we were asleep.

Oh, dude.

I was happy, though.

I ran outside in wet slippers and knew exactly where to shut the water off, but the pipe had already burst.

The pipe had already burst.

I don't know how, like how many hours before.

Jeez.

Dude, I got rugs in my backyard drying.

I mean, it's just, it's a fucking shit show.

It's a shit show.

All right, sorry.

No, all good.

I'm going to take the Ravens.

I'm going to take the Ravens plus two.

The Ravens just aren't winning and they're losing these heartbreakers and they have to turn it around or they're going to be in trouble.

I like Lamar Jackson and them getting to.

Oh, Jake, we didn't bring Jake in.

Jake, we got to do a little, give me the Ravens.

But, Jake, come in here and give us a little injury report.

Well, it's good timing, Paul, because Lamar Jackson is probably going to be out for that game.

So

you may want to proceed with caution there.

Yeah.

Jake coming in like a superhero.

That's why I called you in.

Brought you back up onto the sidewalk, Paul, as that fucking bus was coming.

So

we are going to scratch the Ravens.

Who else do we have injuries, Jake?

Well, the Niners have some injuries too, and that's why I've seen that line shoot up.

But I think Bill made a good point.

It's still Thursday Night Football.

Maybe the Niners can kind of hang in there with Mac Jones starting.

So Mac Jones is starting quarterback this week.

And then

I don't know if you guys saw, but Tyree Hill is out for the season as well.

That injury he had on Monday Night Football is very disgusting.

I'm glad I didn't see it.

Yeah, you don't want to see it.

How about those Dolphins uniforms?

That looked like they were advertising new crest with charcoal.

That's what it looked like.

It looked like some bootleg toothpaste outfit.

I didn't mind the helmets, but those jerseys were...

That was a tough one.

And Malik Neighbors out for the year.

Yeah, that was terrible.

And that Charter Giants.

I don't like that 49-inch pick with Mac Jones again, but I'm going to stick with it because it makes no fucking sense.

Exactly.

That's why I'm kind of you convinced me as I was watching you make the pick.

I was like, you know what?

He's making some good points.

So anyway.

Yeah, I just think it's going to be a simple game plan.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah.

You know, in defense of Matt Jones, I made that fucking face.

I mean, now that I've seen

your boy out there with the fucking Colts with an offensive line, he's a completely different guy.

So, I mean,

it wasn't like Matt Jones was

playing with the best Patriot team.

So, who knows?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And since Paul brought up the Charter Commander game, Jane Daniels is returning to the game.

So

that'll be an exciting matchup for sure.

But Daniel Jones.

That's what I was trying to say.

Yeah, he's all of a sudden looking like a superhero with the Colts.

Pretty interesting.

Jake, I've never been more wrong.

Yep.

I'm going to say

that.

But Paul was trying to tell us.

All right.

Well, he was.

Paul was trying to tell us.

Thank you, Jake.

I'm going to change the pick from the Ravens.

And you know what?

I'm going to take the Dolphins minus one and a half versus a hapless Carolina Panthers.

Change it to the Dolphins?

Nice.

I'm going to take the Dolphins minus one and a half, dude.

Come on.

They're only one and a half point favorites.

Even with Tyreek Hill out there, still only one and a half.

That's surprising.

I like that pick, Paul.

Thank you.

From a guy who's 2-12, I like that pick.

Whatever the fuck I don't even know what I am.

All right.

I don't understand this Patriots-Bills line.

How do you feel about that game going into Sunday Night Football?

You know, I think we have a long way to go.

I don't think we're ready to beat a team like the Bills.

And

I think we can hang with them for a half, but then I'm worried they try to like burn out the clock in the end, and then they go from being up by like 14, and then we get like a garbage time

field goal.

Something happens that just has backdoor cover

written on.

I don't like that number.

I thought that number should have been about 10.

Wow.

The fact that it's eight, I feel like they know something that I don't, which is not easy.

It's not hard to do.

So I'm actually going to take,

I don't know, I like the Cowboys

minus two and a half.

Is there any injuries over there

going against the Jets?

Cowboys will be down.

They're top receiver CeeDee Lamb, but as you saw on Sunday.

They didn't play last week, yeah.

Then they had no problem moving the ball up and down the field.

Dude, how about that catch?

That guy running out of the end zone, running up just right on the fucking sideline and falling down.

Oh my God.

CeeDee Lamb was impressed.

CeeDee Lamb was impressed.

Forget about out-of-shape comedian Bill Burr.

I'm going to take the Cowboys going into the Meadowlands

against the fucking Jets.

I don't think they're as bad as their record, but I think the Cowboys are a better team and they can win by a field goal.

Yeah.

You got to admit, Paul, my bullshit sounds good this week.

I really sound like I know what I'm talking about.

I mean, I'm not going to lie.

You sound fucking ready and prepared.

No, this is just PTSD from the fact that my basement is underwater.

Now I don't care about anything.

Full disclosure, I don't care about anything.

Fuck it.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to put on my fucking big boy pants.

The fucking Saints stink.

They're the worst team in the league.

The Giants are getting points, and the Giants are coming off of a win.

The Giants' defense is tops in the league.

Defense wins games.

I'm going to take a better defense

and a hyped up new quarterback, which has the fucking locker room psyched against the hapless New Orleans Saints.

Giants.

I like that pick.

I hate that the Saints are so.

I love when the Saints were good.

I want to see it's New Orleans, and how great are those sports fans?

They're the best.

And also, I loved, you know, they didn't knock down the Superdome.

What movie was that, Bill?

He goes, why say no?

When it feels so good, say yes.

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

The guy,

Tommy Boy, the dad.

I got to watch that again.

I haven't seen that.

You know who I'm talking about.

No,

Bill,

he was the top in First Blood.

Oh, God, dude.

I don't know.

Brian Dennehy.

Denahy.

Oh, Brian.

Brian Denahy.

He goes, because he was a good salesman.

And he goes, why say no?

They were drinking at the wedding.

He goes, why say no?

When it feels so good to say yes.

All right, Paul.

Now I'm not going to lie to you.

I'm in the weeds now.

Now I'm in the weeds.

I don't know what to do.

You know, is Baker Mayfield playing?

Yes, he is.

All right, fuck it.

I like Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers.

I've been going down there, Paul.

I've been going down to the DMZ this year.

Hasn't been working out for me.

The NFC South, the DMZ, I don't know what goes on there.

I don't know who their mayors are.

I don't know anything about that part of the world.

I'm right there with you.

I took Atlanta against Carolina and they lost 30 to nothing.

So

I don't know what's going on there either.

Wait, Wait, Carolina beat Atlanta 30 to nothing?

Yep.

Yep.

Brutal.

I don't think I've been more wrong about anything in my life.

Wow.

I was too busy watching.

Dude, that fucking Colts Rams game, like, oh, I had to go for a walk.

I get it.

Why did I just watch?

I just watched the team win a game three times.

and then let up an 88-yard touchdown to lose it.

Like, I don't understand.

Or what about that stupid fucking Cowboys-Packers game?

All of that bullshit.

That was the Collinsworth game.

Still plenty of time.

It's just like, how is there plenty of time?

I mean, they got the ball at the 35-yard line, and these guys, all you got to do is pass midfield and they can kick a field goal.

I mean, you know, it's, I don't know, yeah, I got to get out of the

dude.

I'm like, an old human beings don't know how to fly.

Dude, I got to be honest with you.

I got to say this on the show because it drives me nuts.

Having these guys literally put their lives on the line and having the game be able to come out in a tie is one of the worst fucking things in sports it's like just go back let a guy put i don't understand oh we're gonna do one 10 minute period or whatever and then if it ends like that it's like no let the let the field goal kicker let it end where one of the these guys are battling for 60 minutes dude And then all of a sudden, 40, 40.

It was a game like that needs to have a fucking winner.

There, I said it.

I'm done.

I just can't fucking any tie.

no ties i like the metaphor of a tie

why wait yeah what's that mean because it's just life you know just two sides kicking the out of each other in the end nobody wins what are we doing we should all be working together hey bill bill never did

never did

um

no i i my thing is in in like uh combat sports like boxing and stuff, like that's literally like, and if it's a brutal fight,

and you know, some of those trainers and those guys that little fought before, it's like that, that fight literally took like probably a year off those guys' lives.

And you're not going to say,

I mean, what about the other side?

We're okay.

Well, I just took a year off my life and I lost.

I know.

Well, that

Arturo Gotti Mickey Ward fight.

That one, that one I could see in the tie because both of those guys, nobody could lose that one.

Yeah, Yeah, I don't know.

That's like

that's just a whole other, it's a whole other level.

Dude, that was the first time that a fight looked like a Hollywood movie with makeup and blood.

Like, I've never seen anything like that.

Oh, yeah, it was like Stallone wrote it.

It was

amazing.

It was fucking incredible, dude.

Yeah.

I enjoyed it.

Italian, Irish guy, just fuck him, mopping the floor with each other.

It was amazing.

All right, guys, before I do my fourth and final pick, wait, does Bill have three?

Bill's has oh, I got I got four Hail Marys.

All right, well left column.

Before I do my final pick, we got to shout out our sponsor.

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As we always say, we do this for fun.

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Just bet responsibly and have a good time with it.

For my fourth and final pick,

I am going to take

the Kansas City Chiefs.

I don't like the half a point, but I will say this, and you know me, I'm not the biggest Chiefs guy.

I thought Mahomes made some passes to some younger receivers last game.

I like the three.

I like it at three.

I don't love it at three and a half, but I think they're better than the Jaguars.

I'm going to take them in my last game.

I think that now, if the Chiefs are turning it around, if they're doing one of these, I think it starts now against the Jags.

So it should be more than three and a half.

I hope that isn't happening.

And if it does happen, can we just talk about the fucking team?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, Bill, you know what time it is?

Bill, it's time for you to sing.

Oh,

let the Monday Night Spare Show.

Win some money for you.

Let the Monday Night Spare Show

win some fucking money for you.

We are two and two.

We are two and two with Chuck Willery.

Be back in two and two.

Rest his soul.

Two and two.

Rest his soul.

All right.

What do we got here for Monday night?

We have

Chiefs and Jaguars.

I like what you were saying, Paul.

Chiefs, Moneyline.

I'm following what you were cooking.

I feel like.

Let's definitely take Chiefs' Money Line.

That's money in the bag.

Oh, yeah.

It's true.

Money in the bank, Paul.

Hey, I'm Italian.

I don't trust banks.

Money in the bag.

Hey, hey, Andrew, there's the clip.

There's the clip of the week.

There's money in the bank.

I think.

All right.

I like the Chiefs' money line.

I just think they're a better team.

Dude, Travis Kelsey, Travis Kelsey just isn't the same.

He's not really ranking up some numbers, is he?

It just looks a lot slower.

I mean, it's easy to say from a couch, but like,

but no, it just doesn't feel the same as it was, I guess.

This is like the first time I felt that.

Are you saying the honeymoon phase is over?

It might just be a beginning for him.

Hey, Paul, Paul, Paul, she's singing again.

We got to go outside.

She's singing about heartbreak.

I mean, what else does she sing about?

I mean, just like

no, dude, that would be so funny if he goes,

she always gets like, she always gets like this right before Tor.

He goes, Taylor, Taylor, I'm doing a show, dude.

Can you sing?

He just comes back.

He goes, God, just fucking can't.

And that's never.

We talked about this.

Respecting each other's careers.

I'm going to hear about that later, but

I can't deal with it.

All right, Chiefs money line, Mahomes to throw one.

You can do Mahomes to throw multiple, maybe.

What do we think about Trevor Lawrence there with those nice long locks?

Trevor Lawrence is, he's the, whatever the alpha and the omega, the antithesis of the Anything Better podcast.

You can do him to turn it over.

Maybe

Etienne, the running back for the drags, to score a touchdown.

He's had a good year.

Those are kind of the options.

Okay.

My thing, I would do Mahomes to throw one.

They got that.

They got.

Is it Pacheco?

Who do they got at running back?

I always forget.

That guy is just like.

Now that guy I like.

Yeah.

God damn it, Paul.

There's a guy in the Chiefs that I liked.

I fucking like that guy.

That guy's a football player.

They're all football players.

It's just out of, you know.

No, the hard running.

yeah.

So, I like Mahomes to throw one, Chiefs to win the game outright, and then what do you want the third one to be?

Paul, this is it.

This is it, it's gonna be a 12-yard loss, it's gonna be a 12-yard loss, and then he does this

runs out of bounds.

Uh,

you want to do ATN?

You want to do ATN touchdown?

Uh, I mean,

I would do the money line, Mahomes to throw one.

And I don't know about, I don't know.

I just,

but that Pacheco kid always seems like he gets him down the field, and then somehow Mahomes scampers in.

Yeah.

He would scampers.

And or he does

some sort of the way he throws it.

You know, whatever that is.

You want to do, okay, how about this?

This will make the odds better.

Do you want to do an all-Chiefs parlay?

Do you want to do Mahomes to throw one, Mahomes to run one, and then the Chiefs to win?

Or no?

Say that again?

Mahomes.

Mahomes to throw one and run one.

And then the money line?

Yeah.

Yeah.

To me, that's a Chiefs game.

That's what I see that every fucking Chiefs game, win or lose, he does that.

Write it up, Andrew.

Write it up.

There you go.

We got the Chiefs to win.

We got Mahomes to throw and Mahomes to run.

And you know what?

If If they're on the one or two, he will try to sneak in.

So, exactly.

Um, hey, Paul, like, since you're riding with the Chargers, like, this came in the mail.

It's Jim Harbaugh bobblehead here.

So, there you go.

Nice.

All right.

That's a season ticket holder gift, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Jake loves it.

Jake loves that gift.

Well, I have bobbleheads, so it's like it kind of fits well.

Wait, you have season tickets?

We do, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I that's kind of a

light prize, no?

I know.

oh yeah well i mean of course

that's how they do it

down payment on a house for season tickets to the charges they give you a bobblehead they the worst one they gave us is this hoodie tank top thing i don't know if you've seen those before that was like i was like oh my god that's that's straight in the garbage

gave you a hoodie yeah you know what i uh

I don't know.

I kind of like the AFC West, though, with all those coaches in there.

It's fun this year.

All right.

Well, we did it, Paul.

We got through another one.

All right.

Well, enjoy week five, everybody.

You have the

Monday night special.

You have our picks.

Download the app, put $10 in, use our code BURR.

You'll get $1,500 back in bonus bets if the bet loses.

And, you know, the first touchdown, you pick anyone to get a touchdown.

And the first, anyone to get the first touchdown of any NFL game, you win.

If they don't, but get the second, you'll win your cash back.

That's actually a great deal.

Have fun with that.

If you're in Sacramento tonight, I will be there.

The great Joe Bartnick will be with me.

We'll be at the punchline tonight in Sacramento.

And tomorrow, Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco.

And then your boy is flying back to New York.

I have more dates.

Buffalo the 16th, Toronto the 17th.

Go to my website, all that stuff.

And what else?

I think we did it.

And I think the Giants need, oh, and listen.

I want the Yankees to win, but good luck to you.

Both of us.

Look, Boston guy, New York guy, big night for us.

So you know what?

We tip our caps to the better pitcher and a better team tonight.

Whoever does it, does it.

What can you do?

Yeah, I'll be looking for the text either way.

I love my kids too much to watch.

I can't.

I can't do it.

I can't do it to him, Paul.

We can't have it.

Do we got to have, you know, instead of the concussion tent, they should have a tent in the backyard.

You sit there as you dad.

You watch the game, and it's soundproof, so the kids can't hear.

Then you come up.

Why's dad's head all red?

Dude, an anger tent?

It's a sauna.

He took a steam in there.

An anger tent is so funny.

Oh, there you go.

Anger tent.

How the fuck can you call that?

It's shaking.

All right, guys.

Enjoy NFL week number five and the Anything Better podcast will be back

next week for Bill Burr, Jake the Snake, and Andrew Semlis.

I'm Paul Versey.

We'll see you guys next week.

All right.

Take it easy.

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