Football Sunday, Middle East, Project Blue Beam | Monday Morning Podcast 9-29-25

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

September 29th, 2025.

What's going on?

How

are you?

How's it going, man?

What's going on with you, man?

Oh, Billy, oh, Billy, football this weekend.

Oh, Billy watched a bunch of football.

I was literally like,

I said to my wife,

I said, sweetheart, I go, I am going to try to stay home and not do anything.

And I was literally like climbing the fucking walls.

There's something wrong with me.

Well, we all know that, but I'm starting to realize it.

I'm trying to figure out like,

do you know like restless leg syndrome?

Which I always just thought that was some nervous guy that like needed to control the conversation or was maybe stealing from the company.

So he's kind of like

his fucking foot's doing like Morse code, you know, like he's a fucking agent or some shit.

Spy.

Evidently, it's painful.

I looked that up.

Like, what is restless leg syndrome?

I don't have restless leg syndrome.

I have inability to sit down on a couch for longer than like

eight minutes.

And I keep saying, you know what?

I'm going to start meditating.

I'm going to go back to fucking therapy.

I'm going to have a bit.

And I don't.

And what I do is I I just, you know, bounce around.

So,

you know, my wife goes, why don't you smoke a little weed?

And I was like, well, you know, I'm not, you know, I don't like doing that when the kids are up.

Like, you know, that's something every once in a while, you know, I'll step out on the balcony,

my pajamas, and be like, ah, Jesus Christ.

And then I'll fucking take a hit.

And then I get goofy.

And I'm like, hey, hey, let's watch a comedy.

And two seconds later, I fall asleep.

That's why I never got, well, I wasn't into smoking when I was younger, so I never smoked it.

But I also, all I ever found, it just makes me go to sleep.

And they're like, oh, this, this weeds for being creative.

This, this weed, you know, you'll fucking clean your house.

It's like, all weed has the exact same effect on me.

I smoke it, I laugh for about eight to ten minutes, and then I just fall asleep.

So,

you know,

I went out to the garage instead with my daughter, and

I got my drum kit, and then I got this little one that I was telling you about, a little 20-inch bass drum.

And

we just play like this copycat game.

So I play like a beat, and then she has to play it.

And it's really cool.

So I've been doing that with my son.

You know, he's still really young.

So he's like, dad, I want to, you do what I do.

And then it's actually a good listening exercise to me because what he's playing is in five-year-old time signature.

like Frank Zappa would have to write it out or Vinny Vinny Carliuta could play it but

I did that and

and then my son you know

he can ride like a bike now and he calls it his motorcycle and stuff it's really cool and

he wrote it he wanted to ride it twice he was like all excited you know we had a little bit of work done on the house so

we had to to rent a place.

So during that time when I would have taught him to ride a bike,

he was a little behind, so it was making me feel bad, you know, but he can, he can swim.

That's the big thing.

The big thing with me, they need to learn how to swim and they need to learn how to defend themselves.

And then everything else kind of falls into place.

But then there's also on the third tier is they got to learn how to ride a bike, you know?

You know, I don't know.

I just, I figure the new world's going to teach them all the new world shit.

So I teach them all the old school shit.

How to swim, how to ride a bike, how to throw a ball, how to hit a ball,

how to tell time on a fucking real clock,

and eventually how to drive a manual transmission.

That's

that's my like

thing and as much as a lot of that stuff would be like well, it's gonna be like obsolete or whatever it's still fucking cool that you know know how to do it.

And you know the deal.

When you're a little kid, if you know how to do something cool that other kids don't know how to do, you know, it makes your life a little easier.

So

anyway, we were doing that.

And then I was just like, you know what?

I'm going to just stay home Saturday and Sunday.

I'm not doing shit.

I'm not going to go out and do spots.

I'm not going to figure out an errand I can go run and all of that.

I'm just going to fucking stay home.

So on Saturday,

I was coming back from a road gig, road gigs,

and I got to the house and

I watched Alabama versus Georgia,

which is,

I gotta tell you, that kid on Alabama, that Simpson kid, he's got a fucking, he's got an arm on him, both of them.

We're fucking throwing it all over the yard.

I watched so much football.

I watched Georgia, Alabama.

And you know what's funny is I'm at this place now where I don't hate any teams.

I don't know what happened

in football.

It's like Pete Carroll retired

and all those players in Seattle, you mad, bro, all of those idiots, they're all gone.

So I don't hate Seattle.

Pete Carroll's with the Raiders.

I liked the Raiders when I was growing up, so like I'm excited to see what he's going to do there.

And plus, you know, that's interesting.

Andy Reid, Jim Harbaugh, Pete Carroll, all in the same,

you know,

division.

I mean, those are arguably at least two out of three are going to be Hall of Famers, Andy Reid and Pete Carroll.

And I figure, I don't know where Jim Harbaugh is.

What do you think?

You know, he took the 49ers to the Super Bowl.

Then he goes and he wins a national championship and kicks Ohio State's ass for like three years in a row with Michigan, brings that program back.

I know that's at the college level.

That doesn't count.

Now he's with the

Chargers who beat fucking Kansas City the first week.

So, you know, I don't know.

You reach an argument.

So

I don't hate the Colts anymore.

Because Jim Ursay, rest his soul, passed away.

Peyton Manning's long gone.

I just, there's no reason to hate him.

And then all of a sudden, I'm loving Daniel Jones.

I was one of his biggest critics going, like, what the fuck did they give this kid $70 million for?

Turns out all the man needed was an offensive line.

I'll get into that Rams-Colts game.

I had the Colts.

Jesus fucking Christ.

So

on Sunday, I watched the Patriots versus the Panthers.

Now, I know the Panthers don't have a good team,

but

the Patriots needed it.

That's our first blowout.

since Tom Brady in like 2018.

It's been a long fucking time since we we had a game that was over in like the third quarter.

So that was great to see.

And, you know, if we didn't shoot ourselves in the foot with six turnovers and a bunch of penalties against the Pittsburgh Steelers, I mean,

we could very easily be three and one.

But, you know, I'll take two and two.

Speaking of the Steelers, how about Aaron Rodgers?

Fitting in there like a glove.

Jesus Christ, it really must be the Jets.

Because Aaron Rodgers was taking all the fucking heat.

And, you know, he did great in Green Bay, you know, and then it got a little sour towards the end.

Then he goes to the Jets.

And they're like, oh, he's in his old county years and he doesn't know when to retire.

And all of a sudden, he goes to the Steelers.

And it's like, wait a minute.

So I was wrong about...

First of all, I was wrong about War of the Worlds.

I was wrong about Daniel Jones.

And I was wrong about Aaron Rodgers going out.

I was buying into that.

Yeah, you know, he's being all grumpy and shit.

And, you know, this is this classic Hall of Famer coming to the end of the road.

He can't turn off that competitive thing.

His body won't do what his brain wants him to do.

I was buying into all of that shit.

Just turns out,

sometimes it's just the obvious answer.

He was playing for the Jets.

Sometimes it is.

I always use the Law and Order analogy, like when you watch an episode of Law and Order, and all of a sudden

they arrest somebody in the first five minutes.

You're like, there's no fucking way it could be this guy.

There's still another 50 minutes left of the show, minus commercials, right?

Well, with the Jets, when they make an arrest in the first five minutes, it is that guy.

It is the Jets.

So I watched the Patriots, then I watched...

I watched the fucking Colts beat themselves like 58 different ways.

I mean,

that guy running down the sidelines, he has a touchdown, and for whatever fucking reason, he wants to hold the ball out before he goes over the line of scrimmage.

So I texted a friend of mine, right?

Keith Robinson.

I go, Keith, if you hear

that there's a CEO, I forget what the analogy was.

Stealing money and writing himself a bonus and not giving somebody benefits like the Starbucks people or whatever the fuck is going on over there.

I go, if you had to guess what color he is,

what are you saying?

He goes, I'm going to guess that's a white guy.

I said, all right, well, here's one for you.

I go, somebody's running for a touchdown.

They're going to get a touchdown, but before they get across the goal line,

they do something fancy with the ball and then they fucking end up dropping it and it goes out the back of the end zone for a touchback.

What color do you think that guy is?

He writes writes back and he goes, fuck you.

I go, Keith, I don't think in the history of the NFL a white player has ever done that.

And it's not because we're more disciplined.

I think we're so fucking excited that we're actually there.

I think we just keep running until someone goes, all right, all right, you did it, you did it.

So anyways.

That poor kid does that.

He felt so fucking bad.

I actually felt really bad for him.

He was just going like, oh my God.

It was so weird because he he wasn't really doing anything fancy.

He just sort of went, the second he went to stick it out, it was like

it just sort of,

it's like it levitated.

The ghost of Don Beebe was there or something.

And then on another play,

now this one I don't, you know, they, they, you know, ran a one like 30, 40 yards for a fucking touchdown.

And then it gets called back for holding.

It ends up being the same kid, but like

I can't say blew both touchdowns.

It's like, well, he fucking pushed the guy's head into the ground.

Maybe that's why there was nobody there.

Still would have been like a 20-yard gain or whatever, but

and then they end up tying it up.

They go into fucking overtime.

Oh, no, it's the end of the game.

The end of the fucking game, and I'm thinking, and I got the Colts.

All right?

It's a tie score.

I know the Rams are going to go down the field and kick a field goal because there's no fucking defense anymore.

There's literally no defense.

So I'm like, all right, so the Rams are going to win this game by three.

Colts are going to learn something.

You know, they kind of, you know, made a lot of stupid penalties and other shit.

First fucking play.

They're 88 yards away.

They throw the ball.

This guy's fucking wide open.

It runs down the field.

And I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

I lose this bet too, dude.

I literally wanted to go outside and chop down a tree with my fucking cell phone watching that game, right?

And they show the replay, the corner didn't even get tangled up with the receiver.

He got tangled up with himself, tripped and fell, a la Daniel Jones.

No one around him.

And then this kid's wide open for a touchdown.

They lose the game, and they don't cover.

And I had to go for a walk.

So then I sit down and I go, fuck it.

Now

I'm going to watch Green Bay versus the Cowboys.

And there was literally no defense in that game.

They just went up and down and up and down the fucking field.

All right?

It's just all about offense now.

And

like, I got to say something here.

This whole fucking thing where they go, the evolution of the 50-yard field goal, what the fuck is that?

What happened to a human being in the last three fucking years?

For the last 40 fucking years, almost 50 years, I've been watching football, a 50 fucking yarder.

I don't even think that was 50-50.

A 50-yarder was a big deal.

And in the last three years, it's like automatic.

I don't buy it.

This feels like some major league baseball where they make it easier to hit a home run.

They juice up the ball.

I think the field goal kickers, I don't know what they got in there.

I'm not a chemistry guy.

Helium, potassium, some sort of phosphate.

I don't know what they're putting in that fucking ball, but these guys are kicking like 58 yarders with like 10 yards to spare.

And they're going, this guy kicked a 70-yarder.

And the kickers are still their same wispy yoga instructor-looking selves.

So,

you know, I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's like that Nathan's hot dog-eating contest where you think it's the big fat guy that's going to win it, and then there's always like some skinny little dude who weighs as much as a picture frame.

It's just like, where is he putting it?

So, anyways, they go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and then the Cowboys

are up by three.

The Packers get the like the Cowboys got the ball with like a minute something left.

They go right down the field.

I forget if they scored a touchdown or a field goal.

The whole game is a fucking blur.

They go up by three points.

There's 46 seconds left, and Collinsworth goes, plenty of time.

There's plenty of time on the fucking clock.

Plenty of time.

They're on their own 27-yard line.

That fucking fucking game was over nine ways to Sunday with a minute and a half left.

When I was a kid growing up,

if you came back with only 90 seconds left, it would have been Alcoa presents fantastic finishes.

Collinsworth, plenty of time.

I'm like, what the fuck is this guy talking about?

Dak Shepard goes back.

CeeDee Lamb is out.

There's still plenty of people to catch the ball.

Somebody catches the fucking ball,

gains 29 yards in the first play.

Now they're like on the other team in their own 49-yard line.

They're on their own 49-yard line, and Collinsworth is going line.

They're starting to creep into fucking field goal territory.

And then they just go down the field, they kick a fucking field goal.

Now we go into overtime.

Packers score,

Cowboys score, and it just fucking ends a tie.

And guess what happened?

We all watched to the end, and we watched extra football.

We sat through through all the fucking commercials.

I think the league sits there,

and they know the formula.

Offense sells the game to the casual fan, and that's what they've turned it into.

You're just watching Madden football.

You're watching Madden football.

I don't know.

But I mean, I did enjoy the games, but Jesus Christ,

it's like watching tennis now.

You ever watch when they show the crowd watching tennis and they're just going like, you know, their heads are going side to side?

Which is why if you go to Wimbledon, the royals, the box is on one end.

Because when you live in a castle with a bunch of stolen gold, you don't want to be fucking, you know, you have too much money to be whipping your heads.

The people on the side, that's the commoner's seats.

That's what I realized.

So, anyways, that was my

football experience.

And then on the road,

old Billy fucking trying to go to as many countries as he can and went to two new countries,

Bahrain

and

Bahrain,

Manama,

Bahrain.

And then I went to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

And

I worked with Josh Adam Myers.

And, you know, stand-up is new to this part of the world.

So they always have like fucking restrictions and shit when you go over there.

So the first time you do a new country in the Middle East, it's fucking hilarious.

You go on stage and you're sitting there going, like, am I going to get arrested?

Like, what am I?

What can I do here?

Right.

So we went up at Bahrain and we didn't realize that Bahrain was cool.

Bahrain's where people in Saudi Arabia go to drink alcohol, party, and have like a good time, right?

So

Josh had never worked the Middle East before, and he went out on stage.

And in 15 minutes, like, I don't think I have ever laughed so hard.

He had a full-on,

he was freaking out.

he was smiling ear to ear but he had this flop sweat and in his eyes he was like just totally freaking out me and club soda kenny were fucking dying and he started when he started

he was afraid to curse so he was saying like mother trucker and all of this shit

then he just kept pushing it And by the end, I don't even know what joke he was doing.

Going to a proctologist or something, he's like, the doctor's got four fingers in my ass.

The whole fucking place is going nuts laughing.

Like, we didn't realize that, like, all of that was,

like, cool there.

So I spent the first five minutes

like making fun of him.

And the crowd was dying laughing because they thought it was fucking hilarious, like, how nervous we were.

Like,

like, when I went through customs in Bahrain,

you know, I was talking to the person, right?

And I'm like, oh, yeah, hey, you know, I'm trying to be the friendly American guy going, yeah, it's my first time over here.

And then the guy's like, you know, why you over here?

I go, I'm a comedian.

I'm doing stand-up shows.

He goes, oh, yeah.

He goes, you can tell all jokes about the Middle East.

Like, you think you're going to come over here and get beheaded, right?

And I'm looking at him like,

no,

that, that, that's, you know, if I was a little more relaxed, I would have been like, yeah, and you thought I was going to show up

weighing fucking 600 pounds, wearing some Crocs, talking about just got a truck, you know?

But this is why you travel.

So he ends up busting my chops a little bit, and I'm like, all right, these guys are are funny.

And

so we ended up doing the gig.

And I was on stage at one point, so I'm like, all right, well, Josh kind of talked about sex.

I got a bit a little bit about sex.

So I start telling this joke about sex.

And in the middle of the fucking joke, this guy in a dish dash, those are those fucking things everybody wears over there with the whole headgarb, the whole goddamn thing, him and his wife get up and she's wearing a burqa.

In the middle of this joke, they fucking get up

and walk out.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Did I go?

Am I in trouble?

So I look over and Kenny's staring at me with his typical fucking

emotionalist look on his face.

And I kind of, I'm like, turn sideways.

So I'm upstage.

And I give him like the thumbs up, like, am I cool?

And he's just staring at me.

And Josh Adam Myers isn't there anymore.

So now I'm totally in my head, but I already started the joke.

I got to finish it.

And everybody else is laughing.

So I'm like, all right, well, maybe I'll just get in a little bit of trouble.

Fuck it.

So I finished the joke.

I start another joke.

And I made a comment about them leaving.

I go, oh, it looks like I'm getting in trouble.

And no one really laughed.

So I'm like, oh, fuck, right?

So then, like two jokes later, the dude comes back with his wife.

And then I just go, hey, I guess I'm going to live.

And everybody fucking laughed.

And anyway, long story short, it was a great gig.

And in the end,

you know,

all the people that were working security were like laughing, going, Dude, all this stuff you said, that's fine here, that's fine here.

And I go, What about in Saudi Arabia?

And then they kind of go,

and I go, Really?

And then they just start laughing at me.

They go, No, you're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be fine.

And I'm like, fuck you guys.

Tell me what's going on.

And they just laughed at me, right?

They're silly, right?

So I go, All right.

So

that night, me and Josh were so fucking relieved.

There's a cigar bar

at the hotel, right?

So I go, fuck it.

I haven't had one since January.

I could use a fucking cigar after that.

So we go down there and

we have a cigar.

And, oh, I forgot this part when I was landing in Bahrain.

Like, I'm fucking nervous, right?

This is all, you know, I don't know,

gonna get in trouble, right?

And when we were connecting in Qatar,

This woman got on the plane and she was wearing the full burqa, but she had a baby with her, this adorable baby.

And, you know, I'm a big, softy dad, so without even thinking, I see the baby, and I just go, oh, like that.

And she broke out in a big smile.

I could only see her eyes, right?

But I could tell she was smiling.

And then she turned the baby around and waved, you know, waved its arm at me.

I'm like, oh, yeah, that's right.

She's a mom.

Different culture, but people to people.

And that made me relax a little bit.

So, anyway, so now

we're in,

yeah, we're in the cigar bar and we're having a cigar.

And

we're totally relieved.

I wish you could experience it.

Making somebody laugh on the other side of the fucking world, like this connection, it's amazing, right?

So we're sitting there, we're totally relieved.

And

so we're in this cigar bar and it kind of has everybody.

Me, Josh, and Kenny, we're the Americans.

It's got the dish dash guys are up on the bar.

And then it's got some randos that kind of in the middle and then there's like two hookers.

I was joking two hookers on a hookah are at this other table, right?

And they're sort of trying to talk to us or whatever.

We're just sitting there, right?

Like we're in a fucking spy movie.

But I was really like observing all the people, right?

And then I see a guy up at the bar.

And this other guy, it starts getting aggressive or whatever.

And I'm like going, oh, wow, that guy's fucking hammered.

He can't handle his alcohol.

Now his boy's trying to settle him down.

And it looks like it's it's going to be a fight.

And then he just puts his hand on his shoulder.

I see the guy relax.

He puts his arm around him, and then they're laughing.

I'm like, these guys, they're just like fucking,

you know,

just like us.

I get it.

I get what just happened there.

I don't speak the language, but I get it.

So they keep giving you this Arabic coffee, which is delicious, and then they give you dates.

Which, by the way,

in the Middle East, they know an infinite amount of ways to prepare dates, and they're fucking delicious.

But I gotta tell you, I gotta warn you, they make you beyond regular.

All right, not to get graphic, but I was shitting like a racehorse over there.

All right, so now the next day, okay?

So that was the friendly.

Now we're going to Saudi Arabia, and Josh is going, like, dude, I feel good now.

I feel good.

And I'm going, I don't know, man, I'm fucking nervous about this one.

I'm, you know, this is like, we're in the shit here.

Like, they have never

had a comedy festival.

And,

you know, I don't know what's gonna happen here.

And, like, my whole fucking idea

of Saudi Arabia is what I've seen, like, on the news.

I literally think I'm gonna fucking land,

you know, and everybody's gonna be screaming, death to America.

They're gonna have like fucking machetes and want to like chop my head off, right?

Because this is what I've been fed

about that part of the world, right?

And we're flying over it.

It's nothing but like these long roads and sand.

It's like nothing.

And I'm like, what the fuck what the fuck did I get myself into and then we land

and now here we are right and and

we end up driving into town

it's a city everything right

and everybody's just regular they're dressed different but they're regular

Like people just shooting the shit.

Hey, how you doing?

You know, welcome.

We say, hey, we know, we're happy to be here.

And we're driving around, and then I'm just like going, like,

I thought this place was going to be, like,

really tense.

And I'm thinking, like,

is that a Starbucks?

Next to a Pete's Coffee?

Next to a Burger King?

Next to a McDonald's, next to a Pizza Hut?

Next to a Dunkin' Donuts, next to a Krispy Kreme, next to a Cheesecake Factory, next to a KFC,

next to a Chili's?

They got a fucking Chili's over here.

Then we go into the mall because I want to get my kids something.

It was a Timberland store.

I could have bought Timberlands like I was in Brooklyn, New York.

Then there's advertisement for like boxing and fucking Formula One and Moto GP and golf and all of this stuff.

And I was like, oh.

And then it just struck me as funny.

It's like, they're eating this shit too.

They're going to have to get some bigger fucking clothes.

They're going to end up looking like us.

So

I go down to do the show, right?

And they say, all right, the front two rows is gonna be all diplomats

in these padded seats.

And then up top, the royals are gonna be there.

And it was like in the round and everything.

And everyone was like ridiculously excited that there was going to be stand-up comedy there.

And this is what's amazing about

the arts and stand-up comedy is

comedians have always pushed like the boundaries and this was like a classic case like I guess this is tipping the cap to the people that set up the festival over there when they first went to set it up over there the rules on what they had about what you could say and what you couldn't say in Saudi Arabia the people running the festivals will be like, all right, well, man, that's game set match.

If this is like all you can talk about and you want some good comedians like this isn't gonna work

and then to their credit they said all right what do we got to do and they just negotiated it all the way down to like you can talk about anything you know other than a couple things which was basically you know

you know religion don't make fun of the royals and other than that it was all everything

was like

open

And then in my head, I'm like, oh, well, I got this bit about going to my gym and there was a bunch of gay guys there.

You know, I don't know about this, right?

So

anyway, I go in.

It's this beautiful venue.

It's in the fucking round.

And

they're playing Crosby Stills and Nash.

I've never been like, I was always into metal or whatever.

And they were playing that song, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes.

And I don't know.

Some for the first time in my life, I connected with that song, probably because I was so fucking nervous

about like what is going to happen when I go out there and I do my shit.

Everybody's like, no, just do your shit.

Do your shit.

Just don't talk about those two things.

I'm like, I can talk about, yeah, it's going to be fine.

I'm like, it's going to be, like, it's going to be fine, right?

So I'm like, all right.

So

I'm waiting to go on.

Josh is up there.

He's fucking killing.

And he literally said to a guy in the front row, he goes,

he goes, hey, man.

He goes, you can wear sandals over here and still get pussy.

And everybody laughed and the guy goes, yeah.

And Josh is like, that's fucking awesome.

And I was just like, oh, I like,

all right.

Maybe this isn't going to be, you know,

as crazy as I thought it was going to be.

You know, it was a fucking, I'm not going to lie, it was a mind fuck, right?

So I'm standing there waiting to go on and somebody from the crowd sees me,

you know?

And he's dressed all in their traditional shit, right?

And he just goes, hey, Bill Burr, I love you.

Kick ass, man.

And I could just feel them like these fucking people,

the people,

okay, they want a fucking show.

You could feel it.

I was talking to the other comments.

You could feel it.

They wanted you to push, right?

It was really fucking exciting.

So I go up on stage and

I start doing my shit, and they're fucking into it.

Everything's going good.

And I'm not going to lie to you.

I'm checking out the diplomats as I'm doing this stuff and they're all fucking laughing.

All right, so I'm going to push a little farther.

And all of a sudden, I start getting in the zone.

Oh, Billy's feeling loose up there.

And my brain just goes, gay Jim.

And then the other part of my brain goes, don't do that.

And then I said, fuck it.

I'm going to do it.

So I started doing the joke, and it fucking murdered.

It murdered.

They all loved it.

And at that point, I was just like, ah, fuck it.

I'm just doing my act.

So I did my act,

did the whole thing.

And I had to stop a couple times during the show.

I was like going like, I'm be honest with you guys, I cannot fucking believe any of you have any idea who I am.

This is really amazing.

And it was just this great exchange of energy, right?

So

at one point,

you know, they know their reputation.

So like, they were like extra friendly.

They wanted to, it was so funny.

So I'm doing this bit talking about how I make my kids breakfast every day.

And part of the joke is I go through really quickly the recipe for a Dutch baby.

And I just went through the recipe.

Obviously, that's not funny, but when I finished saying the recipe, it got an applause break.

And I said, All right, you guys, I get it.

Okay, you're trying to make us feel welcome as Americans.

You don't have to go that far.

You literally just applauded a recipe, and they all died laughing for me calling them out on it.

So then I go back into the joke and I go,

All right, so anyway, so I take the skillet and then I stick it into the oven, and some dude way up top goes, Woo!

Like Omer Simpson, they're you know, they were silly, And then whatever.

So then the whole thing goes great.

And

I don't know.

I got out of there.

I got off stage.

Everybody took pictures and all of that type of stuff.

And

the Royals loved the show.

Everyone was happy.

The people that were doing the festival were thrilled.

And yeah, it was just this great

positive thing.

And I got to tell you, just to be a part of that was

fucking amazing.

And the comedians that I've been talking to, just saying, like, dude, you can feel it.

They wanted it.

They wanted that.

They wanted you to like, like, the people want big,

you know, they go online and they see it.

They want to, they, you know, they want to like

see real stand-up comedy.

So

it was a mind-blowing experience.

Definitely top three experiences I've ever had.

And

I don't know.

I, I, I,

I'm still trying to

process it.

And then one of the coolest things was I went over there and came right back.

And I didn't even try to get on,

I didn't even try to get on Middle Eastern time.

I just said, fuck it.

I was falling asleep at like 6.30 in the morning and sleeping until 2.

And

so when I came back here, you know, there's usually kind of a drag, you know, when I come back and I'm all fucking jet lagged.

And my kids are waking me up and stuff.

And I got to be there for them.

but I didn't have to go through that so overall it was amazing so thank you to everyone in Bahrain that came out

thank you to everyone in Rihat Riyadh that came out I couldn't I honestly from the bottom of my heart I could not have a better time doing shows for you guys and it was great to experience that part of the world and to be a part of the first comedy festival over there in Saudi Arabia.

I think it's going to lead to a lot of positive things.

So

there you go.

That's that.

Let's do a little bit of the reads here.

Oh, by the way, shout out to Mark Marquez coming all the way back, winning the Moto GP championship in September.

I didn't get to see the race.

I'm telling you, I'm having a problem with my thing online.

I got to watch it.

I think he came in like second or something, but he had enough points to win the whole thing.

And

he's, it's

watching that guy on the best bike available and the way that he is not afraid to just push it to the limit.

And I would say, arguably, him or Valentino Rossi, who would just say has the greatest saves of all time?

I mean, I've seen that guy, like Marquez, literally have the bike is on the ground.

The frame of the bike is scraping.

And somehow his high side leg just comes up.

And he's able to get the bike back up.

I've never seen, like, the amount of times that he's done that.

And, you know, there's been some amazing saves.

You know, if you want to see

some amazing saves, just Google that, like best saves in MotoGP history.

I mean, it's incredible.

Oh, also, on the flight back,

the flight back,

I decided to watch

some Arab cinema, and I watched a really good movie,

H-O-B-A-L Hobal,

and

a bonus, not only the story, heartbreaking story, and the acting was fucking great and it was shot beautifully.

A bonus,

if you're a car or a truck guy, some of the trucks in that thing,

they had a COE Mercedes-Benz that they were carrying water in, and then they had this really cool Toyota.

I had to look, I'm going to look it up.

It was spelled H-I-L-U-X 2400 Toyota, which I don't know what H-I-L-U-X, it just looked like a four-wheel four-wheel drive Toyota from the 80s, but it was almost like the Baja package too.

It was really fucking cool truck.

And just them opening and closing the doors to those trucks, it brought back so many childhood memories, but it was a really beautifully shot movie.

H-O-B-A-L Hobal.

I hope I'm saying it right, but the actors and the director, everything was amazing.

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Oh, here's another thing.

Here's another thing, being in like Saudi Arabia.

There's a bunch of smoking hot chicks over there.

And I'm going to tell you, even in that fucking burqa, you can tell.

You can tell.

It's funny.

The power of women.

No matter what you do,

you can't contain it.

It was like reverse Instagram over there.

I was on stage.

I actually said, you know, for the record, I noticed the cutie pies over here wear that veil a little bit lower.

Anyway.

Yeah, it was like the thing, you know, like how chicks go nuts for like a fucking kilt?

You know, if you got a pair of pants on, they don't give a fuck.

All of a sudden, a guy has a kilt on, and all of a sudden, they want to touch the bag and the pipes, if you know what I mean.

And now it's time to play what's under the burqa.

All right.

Dead show live footage.

Hey, Billy, two-tone.

I found the footage of that show you were at.

Here's the whole show.

Dude, you guys are fucking amazing.

You know what?

Now, there's something I would smoke a joint and watch.

If you look closely enough, you can see a red dot in the crowd trying to figure out why these guys don't sound like Twisted Sister.

That's hilarious.

Yeah, I went to three big concerts at Sullivan Stadium before it was Schaefer Stadium, before it became Patriot Stadium, and then they got rid of it.

Before Gillette Stadium, I saw The Grateful Dead.

I saw the Rolling Stones on the Steel Wheels tour.

And so the one thing that I remember about that was Charlie Watch spinning both his sticks when Mick Jagger mentioned him.

And then

I saw The Who.

I saw The Who on, and it was raining really bad.

And me and my buddy were fucking hammered.

And we saw the show, and it was amazing and I want to say right after we drove down to the Cape, I mean, if that's not a fucking 1980s story, I don't know what is.

Jesus Christ, the stupid shit I used to do back then.

Fucking idiot.

Fucking,

we were fucking idiots.

If I can, you know, all of this shit, you know, my, my generation,

Generation X now is like, he's fucking kids today, but they would never survive.

They would have survived.

And if we were their age today, we would be staring at at our phones.

And we already are staring at our phones.

But,

you know, for people younger than Generation X, we are putting all kinds of fucking,

you know, fairy dust and sprinkles

on the way we came up.

I'm telling you, we were fucking morons.

The shit that we did.

Every time that time I fucking was riding on the hood of a car, hammered,

waving to oncoming traffic.

And I I kept trying to get off.

And every time they would slow down, I would start to get off, they would speed up again.

And then I finally decided that I was just was going to hop off because it made sense in my drunk mind.

And I hopped off while the car was still going and I saw the front wheels locked up as I was sliding.

I banged my head on the ground, the asphalt.

My friends said all we saw was your fucking legs.

You disappeared and your legs were up in the air.

I can't believe I didn't get fucking run over.

And then I

stood up and my buddy was in the passenger seat, gave me a bear hug to hold me up.

And I had this fucking giant cut on the back of my head.

So obviously that was the end of my evening.

And they dropped me off.

I was right in my neighborhood, too.

There was no cameras.

There was no nothing.

The cops, like somebody, people on the other side of the road saw me doing it.

And what were they going to do?

They call, they don't have phones.

They just shook their head like, there's a fucking idiot about ready to fall off a car.

And that's exactly what happened.

And then they drove me like fucking three blocks over,

dropped me off at my house.

I snuck back past my parents.

I don't know if they were still sleeping or whatever.

And then I stood in the shower and I waited for the water to become an acceptable color of red.

And I took a dark washcloth.

I was smart enough to do that.

And I put it on my pillowcase and I went to bed.

And the next morning, I was fucking hungover.

And it was just boom, boom, boom, right where the cut was.

And my hair was all matted with like fucking dry blood.

And fortunately, it was the weekend.

So I was able to kind of, it sort of healed up by the time like Monday.

And I just sort of shampooed around it.

It fucking stung like a motherfucker.

And that was just one weekend.

That was that.

And that was the shit that we did.

Is we tried to act like you know we were out there solving problems.

We weren't, we were fucking feral.

There was nobody watching us, and we were fucking idiots.

And that right there was like nothing

compared to like some of the even I was like considered a smart kid, and I did that.

So, anyway,

um,

plowing ahead.

Oh, so because I did that show in Riyadh and they were playing that Crosby Stills and Nash

song,

Sweet Judy Blue Eyes, which has a really interesting story.

It was written by Stephen Stills.

It's a fucking masterpiece.

I don't know what,

like, as you guys were saying, I was listening to Twisted Sisters, so I couldn't hear it.

Like, they were singing so well, I was like, well, these guys gay.

You know, like, that's what you thought shit like that in the M.

So we fucking idiots.

we were idiots so at least i was i'm not gonna drag my whole generation down i was a fucking idiot right so

uh it was probably because the music was beautiful and it was making me feel like feelings like that and feelings of love and everything and it's just like what the fuck is it gay you know you had to be like that right so now i'm finally like

revisited it

You know, listening to it.

And I was like, God damn, especially that breakdown part where they're like Friday evening.

I was just like, Jesus Christ, this is amazing.

So I downloaded that song.

I listened to it like nine times in a row.

And I was like, I got to get the album.

I listened to the, I've listened to that album now since the night of my show.

I think I've listened to it.

I even listened to it this morning when I was making my kids breakfast.

It's like, they need to hear this.

You know, and that's what I do with music.

I don't say, hey, guys, listen to this.

I just put it on in the background.

Listen to it again.

And

now I think it's one of the greatest albums of all time.

I mean, this isn't new information, but for me, it is.

And I just, it's so funny to me that, like, what finally got me to listen to it, I had to go to Saudi Arabia to understand that Crosby, Stills, and Nash are fucking geniuses.

What is this?

Three guys harmonizing with an acoustic guitar?

This is fucking stupid.

And then I was listening to Britney Fox Girls' School instead.

You know, you live, you learn.

All right, continuing on.

All right.

Project Blue Beam.

Hey, Billy, Space Toes.

Have you heard of Project Blue Beam?

No, I'm not on the internet anymore, so I just sort of, I don't want to know what this is.

This is probably something crazy.

It's an off-the-books project.

Oh, that's always good.

Put together by Werner von Braun,

The Nazis that NASA took for their space program.

Ah, yes.

Yep.

They keep that out of those Hollywood movies when they make those heroic.

All they show is the common man fighting the Nazis.

They don't show what the fucking upper class did.

You know, I don't think we have to kill all these Nazis.

There's some information.

Yeah, we stole a lot from the Germans.

Our whole space program, audio tape, just a whole bunch of shit.

That must have been awkward when the Mussaad, hey, you ever seen this guy?

And we're like, no, yeah, rumor says he's fucking working for you in Houston.

Well,

I don't know where you would get that idea.

To create a fake,

okay.

It's an off-the-books project put together by Werner von Braun.

Wait, wasn't Hitler's chick name Ava Braun?

But von Braun, Braun, I think it's the whole last name.

I don't know.

To create a fake alien contact event to help humanity into a control grid.

What is wrong with these people?

When will they feel like they have us under

their thumb?

You know what I mean?

For as much as people in this country look at other countries and go, what the fuck are they doing doing over there?

Look at this fucking place we live in.

Since like 9-11, you know, the government in this country, they can arrest you, not even charge you with anything and hold you indefinitely just because they think you're a fucking terrorist.

We're taking mom and dads out of the back of restaurants and putting them in something called

alligator Alcatraz

and their crime making illegally made papusas.

I think they're just using racism to get these vans that show up and snatch people to make it feel normal.

And the first thing they're doing is they're doing it to non-white people to then stick them in Alligator Alcatraz, which is right out of fucking

Austin Powers, right?

And then that's just going to become a normal thing.

And then gradually they're going to work their way towards white people who need to be re-educated.

Anyway, so, okay, so this is what they want to do.

If you saw blue, green, or any red lights come down from above, would you be skeptical?

I sure as hell would.

Also, you should be aware of the digital ID that the UK is looking to

implement.

Reject digital IDs with everything you got.

It's the final act of the control system.

Well, let me ask you this.

How do you do that?

How do you do that when everybody is on the internet and there's robots out there, literally bots, telling you what to get mad at, what to get outraged about?

You know?

And everybody is falling victim to it.

It's just like we're all attacking each other, which is what they want.

which is what they want.

And they the and every we look all past their sins.

You know what I mean?

Support the troops and da da da da da and all of this shit.

Support the troops, right?

The government tells you to support the troops.

And meanwhile,

they're in business with Nazis after World War II to get information from them.

And they're protecting them from the justice that they should have seen.

Right?

To do what?

Implement a system to oppress their own fucking people that literally just fought and died to stop oppression.

That's what I'm telling you.

Every government, I swear to God, other than maybe Iceland, is all guilty of the same shit.

It's fucking depressing.

I don't know what their problem is, but I can tell you, having traveled, I don't know how, I'm coming in close to 30

countries.

And

the people are cool.

The government's not cool.

The people.

People are cool.

But, you know, you know how to get them all on the same page,

how do you do that

before,

you know,

somebody takes you out?

Because if you look historically,

you know, one of the

most dangerous messages is bringing people together.

That's the last thing

that they want.

Like this whole fucking immigration thing is just a giant distraction using racism where it's just like, you know why you can't afford a house?

Because of these illegal non-white people, right?

It's like, no, the reason why you can't afford a house is because CEOs now make 400 times what the working man does.

And those are the guys that got rid of the middle class.

They're the one that fucked the common man.

But they're white.

So it's hard for

white people to evidently see that a white person could be the person that's fucking them when the same white people that are fucking you are giving you a brown solution, a non-white solution.

Okay, that's my theory.

I'm just, and that's all it is.

All right, agree with it, don't agree with it.

I don't give a shit.

You're free to think what you want, as am I.

All right, write a book.

Oh, Jesus.

Dear Pumpkin Spice

Voldemort.

I don't know what the Voldemort means, but I'm sure it's insulting, so I support the message.

As a fellow part-time reader,

I like that part-time reader.

That's exactly what I am.

I am begging you to write a book.

I'll write a book someday.

I just got to make sure I'm in the right headspace because I want it to be fucking hilarious while also helping you guys avoid some of the pitfalls that I've stepped into.

Which, by the way, is what the purpose of an older citizen like myself is.

It's not just to get an AARP card and go to the movies for half price

and then exaggerate the contribution of my generation to younger generations.

You mentioned on one of your episodes of the Monday Morning Podcast that you should write a book.

And while you were mostly joking, I 100% believe you would absolutely kill it.

You may need to do what some people do and hired someone to write what you say.

No, I'm not doing that.

Since you can barely fucking read.

I'm willing to bet you're shit at typing and and spelling.

Oh, I can type.

You're just not going to be able to read it.

You've mentioned an exit strategy and what you will do when you hang up the old proverbial hat.

Writing a book that is raw and exposes all of Bill

that would make us all laugh our asses off, yet relate to some of your mental struggles.

Yeah, basically, and life experiences would be a killer way to say goodbye one day.

Yeah.

Well, I'm only 57.

I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.

So you'll also have all of these podcasts to listen to when I'm gone, which I think I like to think some of the jokes or something will be worth listening to, hopefully.

And if not, it just fades into the ether.

You've been making us all laugh for years, and I hope you keep pumping out specials.

But when you think it's time for the old Billy to be on the road a lot less and hang up the proverbial hat, write the the damn book.

I'm pretty excited about the release of certain books, but if you wrote a book, I'd be one of those fucking nerds online at midnight to get one upon release or whatever the hell book nudes nerds do.

Write the book.

All right, well, you know,

I became a dad late in life, so I think I need to catch up with you guys

to have a little more perspective.

So maybe that seems like about 10 years away.

Anyway,

who's playing Monday night football tonight?

What a great time of year this is.

And how about the fucking Red Sox and Yankees playing each other in the playoffs?

This is going to be great.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it.

Because baseball, I still, I don't, but I still, I don't hate the Yankees anymore.

Oh, I started to talk about that.

You know, I just.

And I was watching like Ohio State, and they don't bug me anymore

because you know it's like Harbaugh's gone

that other guy's who's the other guy there the guy before the the guy they got now

um what the fuck was that guy's name

I don't know great fucking coach he's gone

Nick Sabin is gone

I don't know.

It just, I don't know.

It's all weird now in like college football.

It's like the kids are making money, which is good, but I know money always corrupts, but it was always corrupt.

So the kids at least should get

paid if they're out there, you know,

knocking their heads around and shit.

So, anyways, that is the podcast.

Once again, what a fucking experience that was.

And I want to thank everybody that put together the festival and

was nice enough to have me over there.

I could not have had a better time.

And as always, as always,

I learned a lot when,

or I think I just keep learning the same thing.

I keep learning the same thing is what, you know, it's better to go somewhere and make up your own fucking mind and interact with people

than it is.

I don't know.

It's just better to do that.

That's why I made sure I went to all 50 states.

I've gone to all the lower provinces in Canada,

you know, to try to understand or whatever.

um

i gotta make a list to see i used to buy all the flags too i gotta get caught up because um there was some you know i didn't and there's another thing too i don't count countries where i just connected in like i connected in qatar both times but i don't consider

you know i don't count that i've been to that country unless I went out and hung out with people that were there.

That's another thing too.

I'll tell you what's what's fucking so fucking overrated is tourist attractions.

Because all you're going to do is you just, first of all, you got to stand in line and then you're just running into people

that also don't know shit about that country.

I mean, I guess you could run into people in different

countries.

So I don't know.

Some of the experiences I've had.

I sat in a government office

in fucking India trying to get a piece of paper that said I could leave, and I didn't know if I was going to be able to leave or not.

And I was sitting there, and

there was a woman from Afghanistan in the exact same boat, and she spoke English, and we just sat there shooting the shit for like three hours.

And I'll tell you, that was more interesting to me than fucking standing in line at the leaning tower of Pisa.

Or to do that dumb fucking picture.

that idiots do where you put your finger on top of the fucking Eiffel Tower.

But if that's what you want to do,

that's what you want to do.

If you want to do your Charlie's Angel fucking pose, go ahead and do it.

I don't give a fuck.

All right.

Oh, Grouchy Bill is done here.

All right.

That's it.

Go fuck yourselves and I will

talk to you guys.

I'll check in on you.

That's right.

On Thursday.

Okay.

Little jet-like.

All right.

Bye.

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