Dave Elitch | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-9-25

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burris.

Time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in on you.

Ooh.

All right, so it's videotaped here.

Whatever the kids say nowadays, the digital...

What is being filmed?

It's not film, whatever the fuck it is.

Just to let you know, whenever you see this, it means I have a special guest.

And this is no different.

This man

is one of my favorite people out here in LA, one of my great friends and my drum instructor, the one and only Mr.

Dave Elich.

Thanks for having me, buddy.

What's going on?

Hey, thanks for showing up.

You know, sometimes you have a guest and they maybe don't show up.

I'm here.

You already have done a couple of these instructional videos.

Yep.

The first one was Getting Out of Your Own Way.

The second one was the Get Out of Your Way Part Two.

Staying Out of Your Own Way.

Staying Out of Your Own Way with John Travolta.

No.

Sorry.

I love that you're old enough to get that joke.

And now your new one, which I downloaded this morning, and he gave me a free download and I couldn't figure it out.

So I said, fuck it.

I'm going to pay for it.

Because I'm going to get it anyway.

Yeah, I appreciate it.

And this one's your mind's ear.

You got it.

Yeah, and this one is all about like...

the technique of playing drums totally broken down with his expertise and all that.

And what I've always told people is they'll ask me like, you know, what happens is, is, you know, along the times when I've been sitting in with these

bands is my playing has improved to the point that people are asking me what I'm doing.

And I always tell them, you know, about you.

And then they always get like nervous,

like, especially like self-taught guys.

There is,

I don't know if there is that now because so many people just take instruction from the internet, but like this, there's, there was, there was a thing when I was coming up where I'm like self-taught, man.

I play from here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I don't want to learn technique and come from here.

And I always tell them what's great about what you do is you don't change what the person plays.

You just make what the person plays easier and more efficient.

So just to give you guys an idea, with my dad drumming that I'm doing in my garage.

You're gigging a ton, though.

I mean, you just did the pretenders thing, and you're constantly sitting in with people.

Gigging?

You are.

Gigging.

You are.

I've been sitting in that pretenders thing was like a legit giggle.

They play tambourine with the mangles, you know?

I've done some, no, I never did.

I would, though.

Putting that out there.

See, it's going to happen.

Oh, is it Gina Shock?

She's the fucking shit, man.

Yep.

Our lips are sealed as one of the great fucking drum grooves of the 80s.

Yep.

Anyway, so you've been teaching me, like, I was, there's a few songs out there that I am obsessed with.

The

16th notes, and it's a single

one-handed thing.

And so you were giving me like information on that and just that alone,

how much I've been able to increase the BPMs without getting any tightness in here whatsoever is amazing.

And I always felt like, wow, all of these.

Friends that I have, you know, I wish that they could come out and take a lesson with you, which I know you do, but like, you can now, like, all this, like, I was literally so much of this shit that I was watching that I got to watch this morning, I was like flashing back to being with you going this is like literally what you would you know holding the stick and it lines up like that and there's like a straight line like this and the gap here and you're using this muscle well the reason why I made it is because I would go through it with people and they'd be like okay this is great I got it and then they'd walk out and be like what just happened and then they'd get home and want to practice it and then they'd go on YouTube or Instagram and who knows what they're watching on there.

Yes.

And then they'd come back in.

We'd have to do it all over again.

Well, I don't know if you know about the internet.

There's no rules of libel or slander.

And anybody can essentially do a TED talk.

That's the problem, right?

So that was why I made it.

So people can go home and pull up a video of me doing it, and it's the same thing, and they can work on it and not get convoluted by garbage on the internet.

Yeah, and what I,

I always, I think I told this story, but I'll tell it again, was the first time I saw you when you were in the Mars Volta, and

I was laughing when I was watching you play and going, this guy looks like his arms are going to fall off.

And then when I talked to you, he said, oh, you know, that's just like this performative thing.

Like, I'm not really.

Hitting that hard.

Yeah, it's just, I'm doing like a visual thing.

But like, the thing about it is, is if I was a kid and I was to watch you do that, I would probably get hurt

thinking

that you would just fucking.

I mean, there are moments where I'm beating the living shit out of things, for sure.

But there are also moments where I'm doing movements where it looks like it and I'm not actually hitting that hard.

Because if you hit that hard, not only does it actually make the drums choke sometimes and sound smaller, but also you just can't do that.

I mean, Volta, we would play for two and a half hours.

It's a long time.

Right.

You know, so you just can't do that for that long without just killing yourself.

So sometimes I am hitting really hard, but sometimes I'm just putting on a show visually, you know, and you have to kind of pick and choose your moments.

And that's something that

I finally,

I don't know, like it was one of the things when I would be playing a whatever, and then every once in a while I would videotape myself, and I was just like,

I have, I look like that fucking potted plant over there, sitting behind like a drum kit.

It's just like, well, what,

totally expressionless, like looking down, and it's just like, okay, you're expressing your childhood trauma, and this is why you needed a hobby because you don't want to revisit childhood pain.

Well, that's not going to be fun for the person watching you playing drums.

Well, when we first started working together, I was like, I was like, I was like, look,

you're doing stuff that's not uncommon globally, but like

you're collapsed into yourself, right?

You're sitting really low.

I was leaned to the side this way.

I had sciatic nerve issues.

I had rotator cuff issues.

I had all of that from

a lot of that was from just like not stretching and then poor technique at the gym.

Yeah, it's all.

Well, that's Diana, you know, that's all the Diana stuff.

Yeah.

Which is why I made this.

I was like, Seuss who passed away.

Which is why we did the staying out of your own way thing together, because it's like you use yourself healthily, like in a healthy way on the drum kit, and then you work out and take care of your body and you put all that stuff together, and now you don't have any issues, you know?

Well, what I like about that, though, is

not only are you teaching somebody how to play the drums, you're teaching them how to have a long career because, you know, I'm old and I'm not going to name any names here, but I'm old enough to see,

you know, the,

I guess, all those years of performing and like, dude, I mean,

like,

everything was self-taught when I was growing up.

Like, working, nobody went to the gym.

No rock stars did.

They were all

like this big, you know what I mean?

Like,

and like, I just saw a thing with Joe Namath this morning on Instagram, and he was like, oh, yeah, no one went to the gym in the 70s because everyone thought you just bulk up and get stiff because no one knew you needed to get massage.

Oh, yeah, no, all of that.

And like, also, they also didn't know how to do knee surgeries

and all of that.

And everyone's smoking and drinking and eating fried chicken and shit.

Well, some things you should keep.

Some things they weren't.

Wasn't all that.

Speaking of which, I had my first cigar since January.

I bet that was incredible.

It was incredible.

It was incredible.

And so then like my new rules, I have to go like 10 days.

Before I have another one because right around 10 days is when I think like, do I want to do this?

Do I want to, do I, I just, but I can't go back to being like fucking Jack Klugman on the odd couple every day.

Like I have a sports beat, and I'm

following the local baseball team.

You know, it is for me when I'm at home and I'm like, man, I'd love to have a cigar right now.

I think,

am I going to wake up in the morning with the ashtray mouth and be like, nah, that wasn't worth it?

Sometimes you do, and you're like, that was great.

Yeah, it's once you cross into the alone cigar, which is amazing.

Yeah.

I would put a lone cigar up there with with drinking alone.

Yes.

Which is really underrated.

Like, like, people people like talk about what a problem that is, but like if you just like feel safe by being by yourself and you like to get a buzz, like,

although a lot of the people that I've spoken positively about drinking by yourself are also alcoholic.

Yeah, yeah, you gotta be.

It's a slippery slope.

I remember one of my going like, dude, you ever like,

you ever drink by yourself?

And he was just like, oh yeah, dude, I love it.

And we almost talked about like, like it was this Zen thing that we were doing rather than we had a problem.

Or day drinking.

Yeah, I can't do that.

But listen, I can do it, but I don't do it anymore.

But what I did love about day drinking is that was like the pros.

Like at night, there was like the jerk-offs trying to make the league, right?

But like during the day,

when you walked into a bar and like, this is how you knew a pro drinker.

Not only were they drinking during the day, they had no interest in talking to anybody.

Like the bartender, they know each other's names and they don't.

And

they just sort of looked and they would just tap the top of their glass, you know?

And they always had like some sort of newspaper.

Yeah.

High tops, too, for some reason.

These day drinkers love the high tops.

They had white high tops on.

They went like back in the 80s.

Yeah, and they had like the skinny, like skinny jeans, and then they had like the fucking, like, and then the skinny arms.

And then they just had the

keg of raider fucking like torso.

Yeah, that's the

alcoholic build.

Oh, yeah, it was fantastic.

Oh, speaking of which, I went to the doctor the other day, and my liver looks fantastic.

Oh, good.

It took eight years, though, but it can repair itself.

So, yeah, good for you.

Yeah, it was looking like Kobe beef there for a minute.

So,

oh, this is, but my brain, I need to work on that, though, because I looked at my phone today.

I was trying to show somebody a clip of something, and I looked and I saw all these like sonograms, like someone was pregnant, and they had like eight of them.

I'm like, what the fuck is this?

Who is this?

And I go,

Am I on like some sort of open share thing?

Like, somebody sent these.

I don't know what these are.

I forgot.

My heart doctor

had sent them to my phone.

Like he airdropped them.

Because he airdropped them, I didn't remember.

Like I just hit say they were in, but like to my eyes, I was just scrolling through his photos.

I'm like, who do I know that's fucking pregnant?

Did Nia just send me these?

Oh my God.

Oh, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I can't handle this.

So, no.

But anyway, to get back to your

course, another thing, which I had to breeze through some of it because it's very long.

It's a log.

You were also talking about tuning of drums and stuff, which I'm telling you, out of all the fucking mysteries out there, that thing, like, you're the one where I can finally actually make a drum sound okay.

Dude, I came to your house the last time we were hanging out doing the lesson, and I sat down and hit the bass drum.

I was like, it's like, Jesus, dude, this kid sounds amazing.

Well, that's the stuff.

This is the stuff that you can learn this um on this course is like for all you old school guys they used to they used to tell you the pattern to do yeah yeah yeah right yeah but they would be like half a turn yeah half a turn half a turn half a turn and you the one that's saying no you like like turn it so it's the same resistance so this might be a half a turn this might be a little more than half or a little less so you're doing it by touch so once you get the thing the head set on the drum and you get it to a point where you can start trying to get a sound sound,

you already have

a sound to build from.

It's not like

wonky.

Well, it's like a torque wrench.

It's like

when you're working on a car or whatever, you're putting a tire or you're putting a wheel on a car, you have a torque wrench.

So it's like it knows.

Is it like when you just got done with the kitchen remodel and you wake up and you find your basement is flooded and you're standing there in your soggy slippers, but you remember how to shut off the water and you run over?

That didn't happen to you, did it?

Yes, it did.

Oh.

the only victory i had was that i i knew where the water shut off was i at least knew that man thing to do yeah and i shut it off and it was yeah no i have an old house and it was like from the fatty arbuckle era this elbow joint shout out to whatever plumber that that joint lasted about 97 years well that's when people gave a shit right that's when iron was iron man not not any of this imported shit

um yeah no it was it was it was probably right out of pittsburgh and I imagine an eight-year-old probably put it together.

No, by then they had unions.

If it was the 1800s, that's what I would think that was further back.

But, like, to bring it back to the tuning stuff,

that course is broken up in three sections where the first section of it is your aesthetic approach and your influences and what you conceive of as a good sound or a bad sound.

Because so many people go, like, man, your drums sound amazing.

How are you tuning them?

It's like, well, before we even get to that,

who do you like?

Who are your favorite drummers?

Who are your favorite records?

Who are your favorite bands?

Who are your favorite producers?

Like, what are you trying to copy?

What do you like in the first place?

Right.

Like, so that's what the whole first section is.

Then it's about how you're tuning, like, what you're talking about.

And then there's a whole section that's like gear anatomy.

Because I know so many amazing drummers that don't know the difference between a lug and a tension rod and a hoop and the kind of different woods you use, how drums are made, how they're built.

And there's a bunch of amazing drummers who don't know anything about gear, and that's totally fine.

But it really helps when you know a little bit.

If you're trying to get like a sound, I mean, that's kind of like, I don't know shit about cars.

I don't know how to drive one.

Right.

You can live in that

world.

Basically, lean on your drum tech.

Yeah.

If, yeah, if you have one.

But like, you know, it's like...

You can know a little bit about cars.

Like, you know what a transmission is, you know, and you know.

You're not too afraid to open it.

No, I wouldn't either.

Transmissions are crazy.

But like, you know enough about cars so you could talk about like an engine and a transmission and how they work together.

You know, a little bit to where you conceive of how the whole thing kind of works, which is opposed to knowing nothing.

That's helpful.

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One of my favorite deep dive videos that I ever just randomly came across was

they it was a black and white you've totally seen this yeah the differential yeah yeah so this is something if you're not a car guy you you wouldn't or a physics person if you're basically a meathead like me um

it's like when a car goes around a turn you know it's like running track like the guy on the outside track has to go further so this wheel has to travel further than this one does so all of that all of the power through the transmission to the differential you had to turn it 90 degrees and

get it

to be able to turn independently.

So, this one could be going like this while this one's going slower, right?

Yep.

And some fucking guy figured out how to like have it looks like this gear is tumbling in there.

Some fucking guy figured that out, and you know, it was a guy.

Yeah, no, somebody

that's the Oscar-winning movie.

The Oscar-winning movie that it was an Amish woman, and some waspy white dude took it from him.

God damn it, women women don't know about gears.

Give me that.

Matilda?

I've never seen that, though.

Somebody came up with that tumbling gear.

So that's my

ring in pinion.

Right.

So like when somebody will say, like,

you know, hey, Bill, you're like a smart guy.

I always go, yeah, in a sports bar.

You talk about a particular era, yeah.

Well, you know what?

But if you have a tire that needs to move independently from another tire that needs to take this stuff and move it 90 degrees, yeah, you're not getting that answer over here.

That's a great video, though.

I mean, I grew up with cars, and I watched that, and I was like, wow, that was cool.

I learned something because it's like step by step how it evolved.

And that was in like the 50s, maybe.

The differential?

No, it was before that.

Yeah, maybe it was.

No, the film was from the 50s.

Right.

But it was before that.

No, it was like from the teens up to the 50s.

Yeah, and there was a guy, another guy did one where he had like styrofoam balls, and he was putting like these sticks in them to make it be like the gear.

And that was even more fascinating.

Because like, to see an actual differential working,

there's just a lot, it's like a bunch of teeth mashing together,

but like with that one, for some reason, with the styrofoam balls or whatever, I got the hiccups, dude.

I fucking chowed a breakfast burrito before I got here.

You know what I was going to say?

Anyway, the third section is the

breakfast burrito.

The Dave Elich breakfast burrito.

I wish, man.

I wish.

I made one the other day for the first time.

Really?

It was good, but

I like potatoes in mine.

I'm an Eidish guy.

I love potatoes, but if I eat potatoes in my breakfast burrito, I just fall asleep immediately.

Yeah.

I get it.

Yeah.

But it's good.

You know, but they're good carbs.

I'm joking.

Are there good carbs?

I'm just saying.

I don't know.

No, no, I'm just...

No.

You know, but you just justify.

No, but it's top shelf alcohol.

It's keto.

But it's pure heroine.

You know what I was going to say?

I was thinking about doing this today, and I remember when I first came over to your house, I think the very first time, you had that Bonham kit.

Yeah, the green sparkle kit, right?

So it's like

everybody.

14, 16, 18, 26.

It was like a museum kit.

Yeah, it was like a museum piece.

It was a 1971 or a 70.

Yeah, three ply green sparkle.

It's like exactly what he played.

And I was like, this is amazing, dude.

But like, who were you?

You know, like, right like this is cool like I was the single white female of John Bonham well but no what you said to me no that ended up getting to me one day and I just was sort of like um

thinking that if Bonham was somehow still alive or came back from the dead and I said hey man I'm a big fan of yours come check out my drum kit if he walked in and saw his exact drum kit he would be like all right mate and like slowly backed out like this dude is a fucking psycho totally so but and I also what I found found on that kit was the only thing that sounded good was like big band drumming.

Yeah.

And like doing a lot of Zeppelin shit.

Zeppelin or like the knack.

Right.

You know,

some Billy Squire shit, you know, like,

but what's his face?

Oh, what was his name?

I just lost his name.

Oh, it's going to come to me later on.

Joe,

something.

Bobby Schuenard.

Bobby Schuenard was, I want to say he was at a Brockton Mass, too.

He was the drummer for Billy Squire and

like that

you know

big sound heavily obviously like heavily yeah influenced like right down to doing the licks

um of bonham or whatever but he had that swing underneath it or whatever but um that's the only thing that that's the only shit that sounded good right but if i went to play acdc like just that it was just such a thundering bass drum huge and then also i hated how old it was and just the whole time oh oh my god i lost this this fucking whatever what am i doing i got to get this remix like I always loved the ride symbol attack on the bass drum.

And I think that's the coolest thing ever.

It is.

But then you got to use it, and it's a disaster.

Well, yeah,

the whole thing goes like this.

Yeah, because I had the 24-inch Paiste symbol that he had, and it would just go like that, and then hit the floor, Tom.

I'd be like, oh, oh,

exactly.

Doing all of that.

And then I just, one day I just woke up and I called Dean Del Rey.

He's like the master of selling things online.

I go all of it.

I even had the Rogers hi-hat like he had in a drum story.

I just sell all of it and they have to take the cymbals.

And people are like, he only wants the drum.

Can't.

No.

All of it.

All of it out of here.

And then I went out and I got a Gretsch broadcaster, a brand new one.

The greatest fucking decision I ever made.

But this is what I'm talking about.

Like, you would never do that type of thing with comedy, right?

Like, you have your own thing.

Yeah, I hope so.

Yeah, of course.

So, like, after we had that thing and I was like, yeah, you know, like, you have your own thing with comedy.

Let's do that with drumming.

What sound do you want?

We talked about it.

You're like, I think I want a Gretsch kit, you know?

Yeah.

So everybody, like, yeah.

So I guess if you're a musician, you shouldn't, like, if you're like the guitar sinner dad, you want to play what your heroes played, but you need eventually to grow out of that and then gravitate to whatever you hear in your head.

Exactly.

That instrument, and then you make that instrument famous.

Exactly.

And then Jim Ursay would buy it when you died.

Or at least like, go, hey, I'm going to do that bottom thing sometimes every once in a while, like for fun, but it's not like the only thing you know like you know I have tons of drums and I have old Ludwig kits I have an 80s Gretsch kit I've got tons of DW kits which are modern thing so it's like you have like 9,000 snare drums yeah I've got like a hundred it's a problem

I know it's funny is you're always selling one too and yep I just I sell them and I buy them and I sell them

cigars if you're a cigar smoker you cannot get rid of all the cigars in your house because part of smoking cigars is people go, hey, try the all right, man.

You try these.

There's always an exchange.

And for every two you give away, it's like you get three back, I feel.

That's cool, though.

It is cool.

Yeah.

It is cool until you want to stop and you can't.

Yep.

That's what it is.

Well, that's why you got to do the alone cigar so no one tries to push them on you.

Yeah, I definitely am on like a I am on the addiction spectrum.

Who isn't though?

Where everyone's addicted to their phone at the very least.

Ralph Nader probably isn't.

Is he still alive?

I don't know, but you know, it was my favorite thing is when they were used to try to corrupt him, they couldn't figure out what he was into.

So, like, because they needed some dirt on him, and he was just being like this man of the people.

Interesting.

So, he goes to the supermarket, so they send him like a hot chick to hit on him.

He doesn't respond to it.

They send a different one, you know, blonde, blue net, redhead, white, black, whatever.

Maybe he's gay.

They started sending dudes in there.

It didn't work.

They're just like, he must be asexual.

Wow.

They couldn't get to him.

Wow.

He just was like a good guy.

Imagine that.

A good guy in politics.

I don't know how he survived.

I think he survived because he only got to a certain level of success.

But I have found around the world, though, if you are a man of the people, once you get past a certain level, it's unreal.

Doesn't work out too well.

It doesn't work out too well.

No, something always comes along to kind of

derail the thing.

But anyway, where can people get this?

DaveElich.com, or you can go to my Instagram.

You got to spell for my listeners.

Yeah, Dave, D-A-V-E-E-L-I-T-C-H.

T-C-H, yes.

Elich.

Dave Elich.

If you're from Denver and you grew up going to Elich's Gardens, they know how to spell my last name.

Oh, nice.

My great-aunt Mary Elich started an

amusement park in Denver in the 20s.

Not that one that's in downtown.

Yeah.

That one downtown?

Yeah, Elich.

That was Gardens.

Is that what that's called?

Yeah.

Well, it's Six Flags owns it now, but yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I think they moved it around.

Fuck out of here.

Yeah, Mary Elich was like my great aunt.

So people from Denver like freak out when they find that out.

It's pretty funny.

Anyway, Denver people.

No, but Denver actually has a lot of really cool shit.

Totally.

It had that, and then it used to have Mile High Stadium, which was awesome.

But they had...

Up the way is

on the way to the airport, there's this arena looking thing, and it's a smaller one.

So I just looked it up and I found out that's where, you know, when the Denver Nuggets were still in the ABA,

you know, and I looked into like trying to like do a small show there or whatever.

I think they do rodeos or something there.

And then also the best booze I ever fucking had, it was right around the corner from the Comedy Works.

There's like, you head.

You walk out the door, you go left, and then I think it's the first block.

It's almost like Restaurant Row in Manhattan, where they have all these places.

So there was sort of this speakeasy place, and we went in there, and I had never tried cognac before.

Uh-oh.

And I was with this other, and it was like,

this shit was like 60 years old.

Oh, wow.

And it was ridiculously

ridiculously expensive.

And

me and the other act had hung around to see the Monday night football game.

And

so I was just like, dude, we got to do it.

And he goes, all right.

So there's this kid behind the bar.

And I go, a bartender, you know, kid to me, he's like 21, 22.

So I said to him, I go, hey, we're going to do a couple shots of that.

And he was just like, really?

Oh, dude, that's amazing.

Because it was the most expensive shit they had.

And I said, yeah.

I go, and you're doing one with us.

I was a little drunk.

Like, you're doing one with us.

And he's just like, you know, I don't, you know.

Come up with like this Midwest thing in like the mountain west going,

I couldn't fucking do it.

And I go, I go, dude, there's times in life when you say yes.

And this is one of them.

And this is what a good kid he was.

He goes, okay, but can I split it with my other buddy and the bartender?

I go, let's fucking do it.

That's awesome.

Dude, and we drank this shit.

If all booze was like this, if I could afford to drink, like

I never would have quit.

Dude, we drank it.

Okay, first of all, the taste of it was, it was, it tasted like the past, but in a good way.

It was amazing.

And then when it went down your throat, I felt my whole body just go,

that sounds dangerous.

Dude, it was.

Yeah.

And dude, and I'm telling you, it's a sipping thing, too.

There's no way, you know,

you don't drink it like an airline pilot.

And I'm using that reference because one time.

One time we were in a cigar bar and we got some top shelf stuff.

We were talking to these pilots and I was getting my license, so I was like fascinated with everything that they were saying.

And the guy didn't know it was like high-end booze, the pilot, and we gave it to him and he just fucking shot the thing we were like

and he's like

he's like it was good it was good it's like no dude you said you sip this stuff you sip it so yeah it's not smearing off well i mean yeah it's in the bottle for 60 years and you just fucking slam it down so we were just sipping it yeah and it was just each sip was like this fucking experience and i was like thinking like you know like these illuminati guys just have like chalices of this

wearing some mask with antlers on it dude one of the funniest most uh

what's that deadly sin uh gluttonous most one of the most gluttonous things I've ever heard in my life was this guy I knew he goes dude then one of the most overrate thing ever is

What is that stuff?

Not S-Cargo.

What's the fish eggs thing?

Caviar.

Caviar.

He goes, how expensive caviar is.

He goes, I order that shit lining.

He goes, it comes to me in a bucket.

He goes, I eat it with a giant spoon watching TV.

Oh, my God.

Dude, how is that guy's liver?

I was fucking dying.

I'm like, dude, that is the most disgusting display

of wealth I've ever heard.

You eat caviar with...

Out of a bucket?

Dude, with like a salad spoon just sitting there

like a little kid.

Jesus Christ.

Listen, everybody's got their vice.

Yeah, I mean.

Well, anyway, let's try to like graduate with that visual

with that visual um also yeah we don't have to just talk drums like you you're also uh a coffee guy like me yep yep and um i i got to go over your place because you have a new espresso machine that you got dialed in yeah dude you should see this guy's grinder looks like some something you'd look at a planet with yeah it does look like a telescope yeah i got a coffitec uh grinder the uh flat max 2 for all the dorks out there but There's no shame in it, dude.

There's no shame in it.

It really, it's a deep, it's like anything.

It's like hi-fi equipment.

It's like drums.

It's like you can go really, really, really deep.

It's the Macintosh stereo grinders.

Yep, exactly.

All right.

I mean, I did the same thing I did with drums.

You know, when I played drums when I was a kid, I got a $300 CB700 kit that was a piece of shit, and I beat the brakes off of it.

And then I got a Pearl Export, and then I got a, you know, I worked my way up, you know, so you appreciate it, right?

Did the same thing with all the coffee stuff.

I just work my way up and then you can notice.

So what is okay, we got to hear your setup, man.

So I got that Coffitec Flat Max 2 and then I got it.

Well, just fucking throw that out there like it's no big deal.

So I got the Porsche 911 RS fucking turbo.

So you got that sick-ass grinder.

Yeah, that thing is a tank.

I think it has like 93 millimeter burrs or huge flat burrs.

And then I have the same machine you do, the Lamarzako Mikra.

Oh, that thing is my favorite.

Yeah, it's incredible.

I mean, that's it.

It's just those two things.

Yeah, I'm such a snob now that when I use other people's espresso machines and when they go to like,

you know, steam the milk and it's like,

like, I'm like, what the fuck is this?

Well, it's, I used to, I can't even get like the, like, the vortex thing going on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It kind of becomes a problem because, like, I can't really go anywhere and get, like, a decent macchiato or a cortado or something.

Like, I stopped going to my neighborhood too because, like, the best coffee's at my place.

yeah yeah you make a great latte thank you yeah yeah yeah dude that fucking made my day yeah you do you do yeah yeah

well i it you know i got i have the uh i got the machinery although i went to a place recently wait did you get the the grinder i haven't got the grinder i still have the basic that's gonna blow that's gonna blow your mind that one yeah yeah yeah which by the way don't ever grind coffee beans when you have somebody on your bows it freaks them out like i bet they think you're like sawing well it's weird how bows like picks up.

Like it'll make it louder.

Yeah, great.

That's what I want.

Yeah, yeah, no.

Not the,

I don't claim to be the smartest person.

So anyway,

I got to get back in for a,

I want you to see where I am.

Yeah, I want to see this one-handed 16th note thing.

It sounds like it's going well.

But like you doing that,

I don't know anything about sports, but since you're so into sports, there's a ton of analogies you can use when playing sports.

You know, it's like if you're playing golf and you try and cream the ball, it's not going to go anywhere.

You try and hit it as hard as you can.

It's just, you know, I know, but it's fun.

Yeah, of course.

You know, of course it's, you know, but like there's so many analogies you can use, but like you being able to do the 16th note thing and then be like, oh, my arm's getting tired.

And then understand how to release it.

And they're like, oh, I can keep going now.

It's like,

that's complex.

Yeah.

No, and the stuff that you taught me, too, where I was like leaned, like if I was trying to play something on the bass drum and I had the hi-hat going too,

like because

I didn't have a strong core, my psoas wasn't strong enough, I had to lean back.

I was like leaned back like this to almost counterbalance being up like that.

Like I couldn't do this before.

No.

Well, and you were collapsing yourself.

Yeah.

Right.

So for the drummers out there, one of the most amazing exercises that I found for hip flexors or whatever is you sit with your feet like 10 and 2, put a water bottle on the outside and try to sit straight up and lift your leg up and then set it down only do literally sets of four and i would do one set of four and see how you feel because it's like something that

you just don't do that yeah so it's really confronting your muscle is like i like the next day like i was like really sore oh yeah just after doing like i it was like a set of four set of six

no you know what that's not right what i did was i did like two or three sets of them

and then i realized I can't do that yet.

I need to do sets of like four and then work up my strength.

Now I can like do it.

But like that was the thing when I could finally end up like faking good times, bad times

is like, cause I was able to be like on top of it and balance

on this on the sit bones and stuff like that.

And this is all fucking, I know this is nerd shit.

This isn't exciting, but this is if, but all of those killer fucking ideas you have, all of a sudden you can do them.

But also, if you're...

Because I imitate John Bonham and don't have a killer idea okay but dude if you're if you're listening to this and you're sitting in a cubicle at work you can apply all the same stuff so many people are collapsing in themselves they have sciatica they don't hold so it's just like understanding how to expand your body up and out and get on your sit bones get on top of your pelvis and so you can use your back to hold your body up you're sitting down all day right like that's just as relevant i mean i see people all the time where they have the same repetitive movement injuries and they're just in a cubicle all day right you know know so it's like it's all relevant well here's a good one uh for that and um

when i was in new york i saw this guy he was on a scooter like delivering food and he stopped at a red light and he brought his arms up like this and then brought them like straight back

like at three o'clock and then turned them around and i was just looking like the human body can do that i could never do that and my shoulders oh yeah so what i did was um

you know i just got like a hockey stick and i with a wide grip I could go all the way down like that.

And then every day, I just kept going, like, if you even do that, just expanding this, like, how much lighter, opening your chest, your lungs, and all of that.

I was kind of like, um,

you know, just driving

computers, drumming, reading, yeah,

you know, texting, let's be more

jerking off, everything like

David, let's just

do drumming thing, You will jerk off.

You will be on your sit bones.

You can have both feet off the ground just fucking rubbing one of them.

Oh, sorry.

I mean, it really is.

You could just, I'm not that guy in the infomercial.

I mean, you could apply this to almost everything.

No, but like those are the types of things that, especially, I think, for men.

Oh, yeah.

Like, they don't.

So I became sort of obsessed with, like, I tried, my daughter could do a backbend, so I tried to do it.

And it was just, it was like, oh, God.

I was like this table.

So, but now I can actually, I had to get an exercise ball,

and I was like trying to reach.

I was like, oh, no, no, I was making all these fucking noises.

But this was the thing, doing that and bringing it around.

That was the exercise that, oh, because I thought it was just this here, but you also need to like stretch out this and all of that.

So now I can actually get three-quarters of the way up.

And doggone it, I'm a happier person.

But it's, it's all the Diana shit, man.

It's like, Diana Linden, rest her soul.

Yes.

Yeah, it's like if you didn't see her as much as you saw her and learn as much as you did from her, and same with me,

you wouldn't know to do all that stuff, right?

It's about like the body's designed to expand, right?

And in order to get the body to expand and use it the way it's designed to be used, evolutionarily speaking, you need to get a ton of body work done and you need to stretch and you need to use yourself in the way you're talking about.

Because with technology and furniture and cubicles and laptops and stuff, like we're all just collapsed into ourselves.

And you have to do a ton of work to be able to get the body back to its natural state of being.

Yeah.

You know?

There's probably not a lot.

You know, when I went to the doctor, he was telling me, he goes, at your age, he goes, lean and mean.

That's what you want to be, lean and mean.

I'm like, but from your age, I like lifting weights.

I'm still lift weights.

I listen to my doctor, but also like, fuck that guy.

You know?

No, okay.

No, I'm going to listen to him.

Well, that's really.

What does he know?

I went on, I know it too.Fucking net.

It's all the diet, man.

For me, that's the hard part.

I can work out five, six days a week, but then I'm like,

I want some tacos right now.

I want some Indian food.

That's the hard part for me, man.

I mean, you're pretty disciplined.

I'm a pretty disciplined guy, but when it comes to food,

I do these interviews, and people will let you know if you've gained three pounds.

Hey, Billy Fett Tits.

Hey, Billy Tits on his balls.

Day, Billy, Fet Face.

And it's just like, no, and you know,

fat shaming really gets a bad rap.

It gets results.

It does.

I'm just like, you know,

as much as that hurt, they are right.

Is it because I'm not sitting up?

It's like, no, it's because you're a fat bastard.

Oh, maybe I am.

Well, you know what?

I got off sugar a couple years ago, and then this past,

my past birthday, you know, I was out.

In New York, I was doing the play, and I was missing my family, and I was fucking depressed.

So

rather than getting a giant cake, they went out and they got cupcakes.

So I just had one of them, dude.

It took me like, I'm still struggling to stay off off.

And that was

July, August, September.

So now, like, I forget what happened yesterday.

Like, the last couple of days, I've just been like, I need to go back to just saying no, no, no, no, no.

So I did that.

So now it's starting to fade.

But like last night, you know, I was thinking, hey, you know,

I'm feeling kind of sad.

Be nice to have my sugar go up.

That's basically what it is.

Yeah.

So then what I did instead was I just grabbed

the least exciting option was just like a handful of like raw cashews and I ate those instead.

Yeah, that's what I did.

You know what I mean?

Well, there's going to be some hassle to ice.

Actually, raw cashews are worse than having ice cream, according to a new study.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I've been doing?

Is this evidence shows.

I've been eating a handful of frozen blueberries instead of like some sort of sugary garbage.

That seems to be helping.

I know.

I could tell it's good for you because of the monotone way you just said that.

What I've been doing instead is grabbing a handful of frozen blueberries.

It scratches the itch, you know.

Grapes are supposed to be good.

Yeah.

But, you know, you talk to Dean, right?

He got, he went like cold turkey off sugar like forever ago.

Yeah, he did.

He did.

And then, yeah, he went through some bullshit, you know, some grief, and he kind of put it back on.

And then he was like, all right, I got to take it off.

And dude, he's like leaning mean again.

Yeah, Dean, Dean Del Rey,

who, by the way, dude,

you know, when you get excited when a drummer gets better that you're teaching,

he's written the funniest shit that

he's ever.

Oh, when he comes to Thousand Oaks, when I saw you guys the other night, I was like, God damn, dude, he murdered.

Yeah, he murdered.

He murdered.

And he had some of the best fucking shit.

Yeah, it is the best shit that he's written.

Like, you know, I know the sound of Dean killing.

And I was backstage.

I was like,

oh, he's killing, killing.

No, yeah.

And it was like effortless.

Killing, killing.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was great.

It was a great set.

That was a fun night because

Bianca had just gotten her citizenship.

So we were just teasing her, just acting.

There's something different about you.

We just kept acting like she was automatically dumber because she was now American.

It's like you speak five languages or whatever.

Do you feel like getting a truck yet?

Give in.

It's fun.

Come on.

Went in Rome.

Get a fucking truck.

Speaking of which, dude,

I'm loving the new car, man.

Having another stick.

It's been a long time since I had like a stick shift or whatever.

I kind of like it, but the only thing that sucks is it doesn't have like a cell phone charger.

But what is good is

if you don't put the seat on, the seat belt on, it doesn't give a fuck.

That's great.

Yeah, but you know what?

You know what the fuck?

You go through the windshield.

No, no, but I, but sometimes you're just backing out of the driveway and moving the car.

Sure.

And I don't need like

the whole fucking time I'm doing it.

Yep.

Beep, meep, meep, meep.

So,

what was I going to say?

The new car, stick shift.

It's gone.

It's just my Citroen that I took you out of when we went up in the helicopter,

you know, that car's from 1973.

So it's like, by today's standards, it's not that fast at all, but like it's such a more

like visceral, say it.

Yeah, yeah, visceral.

You're integrated into the car like it's so much more fun to drive with the only smart car option the thing has and it drives me up the fucking wall is when I go to put it in reverse that the I haven't I think I finally figured out what makes it do that is what does it do I'm sorry I could could give you that information right is it automatically tilts down on the on the the passenger side so you can see the curb which is great if you're parallel parking the mirror yeah but if if you're yeah the mirror itself will tilt down so you can see, which is cool if you're parallel parking.

But if you're trying to get out of a carport and not hit the gate, I'm looking at my driveway.

So it's like,

I think if you have the driver's, the passenger side thing selected and you adjust it back, it stays.

But if you move it back to neutral, then it'll go down again.

I'm sure.

I was literally screaming at the mirror.

I yelled and stopped doing that.

That might embarrass me.

Did it work?

No.

And I really felt stupid.

I'm sure some nerd on YouTube has made a video about how to fix it, if it's possible.

Do I go into settings?

Ugh, I don't know.

That's my new thing.

You spend a third of your life sleeping and another third going into settings.

Talking to a 20-something that's rolling their eyes because you don't know how to do this yourself.

Even though I think AI is going to be the end of us all, that is one of the nice things about ChatGPT.

It's wrong a lot, but like I was setting up a camera but aren't we all?

Yeah, yes.

I was trying to set up a camera thing in my studio at my house, and I'm a total moron when it comes to technology.

And, and I, and it, like, when it works, you're like, oh, that was great.

It actually, I figured it out, or I didn't, but it figured it out.

Chat GPT.

Yeah.

Chat GPT.

Did you just

shout out to that?

No, I just didn't know how to say chat GPT.

Yeah.

That's when you go, hey, Siri.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I want to fucking go to Turkey and get some hair plugs.

How much is a flight right now?

Yeah.

I mean, it's wrong a lot, but like, I was trying to hook up like...

Turkey is a traditional dinner on Thanksgiving.

That's not what I asked you.

Exactly.

I have a date on Friday night, and she said she liked a

full head of hair.

But yeah, anyway, I forget why we were talking about that, but oh.

Somebody's trying to tell me the other day that somebody got like beard hair transplant, and that's like pube hair, and they were trying to suggest that they went down by his balls.

And it was just one of the, exactly.

It was one of those stories where I was just going, like, this doesn't sound real.

Wait, do you have like a patchy beard and you want to be a little bit more?

Yeah, when it doesn't connect,

when it doesn't connect.

Why don't you just give up?

I feel like if I had a patchy beard like that, I'd be like, you know what?

But usually if you have a patchy beard, you have a full head of hair.

And usually if you can grow a beard in two seconds, you lose your hair.

That's how it, the hairiest fucking, that's how it usually works.

Wait, what?

Say that again?

I'm saying usually people with patchy beards also have a full head of hair, though.

It's like the hair goes, it's either on the top of your head or it's fucking growing out of your face.

So these fucking assholes with their full head of hair, they want what we got.

Huh?

I've had a beard since.

When's Trump going to stick up for that?

I've had a beard since I was like 15, but I always knew I was going to go bald, so it was just like, whatever.

Yeah, but you didn't go till later.

No, I mean, you know.

You know what it was?

Is

I had a big fucking afro for a long time, and then I did like the high pony afro thing, and then only

Yoga Bros started doing that, and I was like, I got to get rid of it.

I didn't want to have the receding hairline in the front, and then a afro bun in the back.

That is a bad look.

I also didn't want to do that.

You're called the old Shogun, a Shogun Warrior of a certain age.

Yeah, I didn't want to be doing that.

It's a bad look, so I just shaved it.

Well, that's great that you knew that, though, because there's so many people.

But there's some hairstyles that are coming

I saw a guy the other day, like, sat me at a restaurant, and it was the classic Yanni smooth jazz.

It was like, it was up and over and down, and there was something like some sort of something going on here that was tied up and goes down.

It's just like, dude, you just need like a saxophone and just play me over to that booth.

Is he wearing a hemp necklace, too?

Well, he was at work, so I don't know, but like he was definitely

94-7 the way, hey.

Smooth jacket.

Yeah, that one white dude in the band, yeah, he had that vibe.

Like, yeah, he can play.

He can play.

Well, he had long, flowing hair, but also kind of a high pony at the same time.

Yeah, as a bald person, it bugs me when somebody has a beautiful full head of hair and then they just have a shitty haircut.

It's just like, dude, you have no idea.

You could end up like me.

But then I also look at it, I'm like, well, that's a cool thing that you did that.

That you actually had that style.

Because someday

someday that option will not exist.

But the option to download this man's,

we got to wrap it up here.

The option to download this.

Dude, like, seriously, there is,

you know, so much just misinformation and lies on the internet.

Someone who's actually out here that really has a passion not only for playing and making music, but also like helping people, which is a great thing.

That's what you do as an older fella.

You reach back and you reach down, you try to, if not reach back, reach down, reach back, you fucking get canceled.

You reach down, you try to pull some people up.

That you have this passion for teaching and everything and

about like the right ways of doing things.

And I just love that, you know, you're giving people this.

And then it's theirs.

It's free to use however they want to use it for whatever they hear between their ears.

You're doing a great thing.

Thank you, man.

I appreciate it.

So it's

your mind.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All you guys are going, like, damn, Bill, you've been like practicing.

I've been talking to this fucking guy.

Your mind's ear, available at Dave Elich, E-L-I-T-C-H, like the carnival out there in Denver.

Amusement Park.

Sorry.

Oh my God, I just insulted your family crest out there in Denver, Colorado.

Thank you guys so much for listening.

Have a great weekend, your cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, baby,

it's the Monday morning podcast.

Um,

for October 8th, 2017, what's going on?

Uh, yes, I'm singing a little bit of Tom Petty.

Um, I was lucky enough to be at the Florida Gators game in the swamp against the LSU Tigers,

and uh, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!

Fucking SEC football, 80,000 people, whatever the fuck it is, going absolutely ape shit.

And they had this great tribute, which I'm sure some of you saw the clips online

of the whole stadium saying, I won't back down.

It was fucking odd.

You know, it sucks the guy died.

You know.

But he leaves all that great music and all that.

What a, yeah, it's a great fucking, that's a great life.

You know what I mean?

Considering all the shit that fucking happens nowadays, the fact that that guy was able to make it into his 60s, the very least, still sucks.

He died, you know, but whatever.

It was a great, it was fucking awesome.

You know what's hilarious?

Is if you were there, everybody sang the shit out of that first verse, and then when the second verse came along, you saw the radio fans and then the real-Tom Petty fans, right?

Everybody knew the first verse.

Like, well I woke back down,

Noah, stamp, I don't know the words, stay in my grandma, and then all of a sudden the fucking, everybody knew the words, yay, baby, right?

And then it gets the second verse, listen to it.

Everybody's just kind of, well,

everybody's just waiting for that.

Hey, baby.

There ain't no easy way out, right?

So,

anyways, we went to the swamp out there in

Gainesville, Georgia, where Tom Petty is from, evidently.

I didn't know that till he died.

And anyways, from Florida.

Yet another great musician from Florida, right?

You get all the fucking Almond brothers from down there.

You got Tom Petty.

I don't know where the heartbreakers are from, but you know,

I mean, he met them, so they had to be somewhere near Florida, right?

Somewhere in the fucking lower 48.

But Jesus Christ, did that stadium, Ben Hill fucking stadium, the aka the swamp, did that thing ever live up to its fucking name?

My God.

We had upper deck seats, and

it was,

just fucking, it was ridiculous.

First of all, we go up there and they had like the aluminum seats up top, just like the old Patriot Stadium, you know.

And if you stood up during the wintertime, when everybody had the big winter coats on, if you stood up too long after a good play, or most likely a disappointing play back then, when you went to sit back down, you lost your seat.

And then you were just sort of standing up, you couldn't sit down, and then people would pelt you with hot dogs and fucking snowballs and all that shit.

And you know what you did?

You laughed, and all your friends laughed at you.

You didn't make a fucking video, you didn't have a cell phone to make a video and and turn yourself into a victim.

You know?

So,

anyways,

we were sitting up there and you literally had to just walk back into the tunnel.

And with all that heat coming off the field and all those people there, like literally where you walked into the stadium became like a wind tunnel.

So, and I was going out there, man, and I'm going to tell you right now, there was a bunch of people just fucking sitting down, all shapes and sizes, all ages, from kids all the way to old people, just sitting down like, yo, I gotta take a good fucking 10-minute break here, or I think I'm gonna fucking die.

And then mercifully, the sun started to go.

By the way, it's October.

It's October.

It felt like fucking August.

And

the sun finally went down.

And it was a great game.

I know, you know, the Gators were missing their...

starting quarterback and I also know obviously LSU had that horrible fucking loss last week to the Trojans, Troy.

And

so it was a big win for them.

It was just a fucking, it was a great game.

Unfortunately, that kid missed that field goal.

Everyone's chanting his name, Eddie, Eddie.

You know, I don't know what happened, but the fucking kid missed the extra point, which kind of sucked because I would have loved to seen overtime.

But there was this one LSU fan, this old guy, just, he was fucking hilarious.

Even like the 8 Gatter fans, as annoying as he was,

he was just this old guy, and he would do these stupid dances whenever LSU had like a big

He looked ridiculous and was making a complete ass of himself, all the while having the best time of his life.

And

every, I don't know, it's just

one of those great fucking moments why you go to sports and all that shit.

And,

you know, we had a great time.

We didn't pay for fucking parking either.

And then we found out why afterwards, because we were so buried in.

But

it was just awesome to finally go there, legendary school, legendary fucking field.

And I actually learned this about that field: is that that field is in like the top 20 biggest stadiums in the United States.

Here they are right here.

Michigan, number one, number two, Penn State, then Ohio State, Texas AM, Tennessee,

LSU,

Alabama, University of Texas, USC, Georgia, that's the top 10.

Then UCLA, the Cotton Bowl, Nebraska, Florida comes in at number 14.

And I was pretty psyched.

As far as the top 10, I've been to every fucking one of those stadiums except for Penn State

and

what's the other one?

Michigan, Texas AM, Tennessee.

I haven't been to Tennessee.

So I got to fucking knock those out.

All right.

I got to try to do that shit.

I know.

It's fucking stupid shit, but this is what this podcast is.

This podcast is stupid shit.

All right?

Stupid shit that doesn't fucking matter.

And then listen to me,

you know?

All these fucking assholes.

You know, I've been getting letters lately of really heavy variety.

It's, I don't fucking do that on here.

You're listening to the wrong fucking podcast.

There's enough of that out there.

This place is to forget your fucking troubles.

Fucking asshole.

Some douchebag sent me this fucking email.

The name of the email was fuck America.

And then he goes on to present his argument about gun control.

It's like, buddy, you started it off with fuck America.

Like,

how is the people that you want to listen to this going to listen to it after that?

So I won't be reading that one.

You know what I mean?

All these fucking people screaming and fucking yelling about this and about that.

You know what I mean?

Every time there's a big fucking tragedy.

You know what I love now?

I love how everybody's got to fucking weigh in now, right?

And then like it becomes

my favorite things is celebrities react to the hurricane.

You know I mean like oh oh good.

I need to know what JLo thinks about a category five.

Oh, was she was she upset that that happened to Houston?

Who wouldn't be who the fuck wouldn't be?

I Don't fucking I don't I just don't understand why they do that

I've never fucking understood.

There'll be like a fucking earthquake and then it's always like hashtag fucking

thinking about, you know, wherever the fucking earthquake hit.

You know what's funny about those fucking accounts?

Most of those, like, if you're smart, I guess, you know, you don't do your own account.

You have somebody else do it.

So, whenever anything bad happens, they actually, it's somebody else doing it for the person.

So, they don't get in trouble, they don't say the wrong fucking thing.

I just, everything has just become that.

I missed that whole story about Cam Newton.

He said some smart athletic thing to a fucking female reporter, right?

And rather than her just settling it with him, being like, hey, Cam, why don't you go fuck yourself?

And then they laugh it off and they both drink a Bud Light or something, a Miller light, like

how it used to go down.

All of a sudden, now he showed up to the game today for some reason,

dressed like a pimp.

like a I don't know what and then he's got like a fucking Rosie the Riveter

positive positive shit about women.

I don't, I just, I don't fucking, I don't understand, like, it's just one fucking apology after another.

Meanwhile, the world is going to hell in a fucking handbasket, and I got to fucking sit here and I'm going to watch that.

I need to see the resolution of that.

Like, these two fucking adults cannot solve this

amongst themselves.

I swear to God, I was half listening to Cam Newton.

I swear to God, he was talking to Rosie to Riveter as if it was a real person.

Am I out of my mind?

Or wasn't that like

a caricature that represented women working in World War II?

Was there really a woman named Rosie, and her middle name was The, and the last name was Riveter?

I might be wrong, you know?

By all means, let me look this up before I have to have a press conference and fucking apologize to somebody.

Here we go.

Rosie

the Riveter.

Rosie the Riveter.

All right.

Rosie the Riveter is a cultural icon.

Yeah.

I swear to God, he was fucking talking like it was a.

Maybe he wasn't.

That would be fucking hilarious.

And lastly, I'd like to apologize to Rosie the Riveter.

I know she did a lot of things.

She riveted a lot of rivets back down there by the river.

And I apologize.

Here's something I wish people in the press could do.

I wish they could get their balls broken a little bit more, especially if you're going to go in the locker room, you know what I mean?

If you're going to fucking go in there, people are going to bust your chops.

Like the athletes, like

they should be able to sit there and be like, what did you say, you bald fat fuck who couldn't run 30 yards without having a heart attack?

What was your question about my decision in the second quarter?

Why can't they do that

I don't understand why they can't do that

what'd you say lady

um you address me as Ms sports reporter go fucking fuck yourself

that stupid ass story it has it will get more fucking coverage than pharmaceutical companies basically being heroin dealers.

You know what I mean?

They're not going going to fuck with that because they advertise on that channel, but God forbid

somebody throws one high and tight at somebody with a fucking clam and all of a sudden, oh, Jesus, the whole fucking world stops.

I'm not saying you shouldn't apologize.

They should fucking handle it.

He didn't say it to me.

The fuck am I sitting here watching it for?

I don't know.

He lost like advertising money.

I mean, who can even fucking remember?

Like, what you know, the only one thing I could ever remember, this is some of the greatest advertising, I guess, because I can remember, was Shaquille O'Neal

did a bunch of Buick ads, and that was the funniest fucking thing ever.

Because,

and a lot of people instantly, when they saw that, it's like, Shaq doesn't drive a fucking Buick.

It's one of the top 50 NBA players of all time.

What the fuck did he do with his money that he's driving at Buick?

Even if he blew all his goddamn money from being a player, he's still got a TV gig.

He's not driving a Buick.

He can't even fucking fit in one.

Maybe that fucking roadmaster from back in the 50s

cut the roof off a Riviera, maybe.

I don't know.

Take out the front seat.

He could sit in the back end.

I don't know.

Actually, Shaq is memorable.

I don't know why.

He does that, and then he has the one with the little Monopoly guy.

The general, which just looks like the cheesiest fucking insurance ever.

You You know?

And then Shaq does that, you know, I'm not really smiling.

I'm just smiling because I'm going to get paid, you know, where he has the under and the overbite.

He just puts his top teeth on his bottom teeth.

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Like I said, I usually don't fucking do these when I fly on the same day.

I just, of course, I have no fucking time.

I have a million fucking things to do.

What else?

What else?

What else?

Oh, should I address this?

I will address this.

The big fucking story that everybody's talking about out there, I am of the firm fucking belief.

I am of the firm fucking belief.

This is a new theory.

I'm not saying I'm right, but I am of the fucking belief that the fucking attention that they give to these fucking lunatics is why more than ever people do that lunatic shit.

Like, do you remember when Kim Kardashian She made that sex tape and then all of a sudden somebody got a hold of it and then it went out there and then it became like this porno tape?

And up until then, that was unbelievably embarrassing.

And it fucking ruined you.

And then that was it.

That was fucking it.

But somehow she came out the other side with the TV show and is now like a fucking, like an icon, multi-fucking millionaire.

And right after that happened, what happened?

A bunch of women who wouldn't have done that shit went out and tried to do that shit because they saw it.

And what stopped it was none of them fucking made it.

However, if they started fucking making it and started getting attention the way these lunatics do I saw in the cover of people magazine

they're like going this is the deadliest yada yada yada of all fucking time you're giving these these fucking lunatics a number to now shoot for

because the same way I sat on TV and I sat at home on TV and I'm saying oh look at that stand up stand-up comedy that looks cool I want to fucking do that lunatics want to do this other shit.

I am of a firm fucking belief.

They should not fucking

shouldn't say the dude's name.

That's it.

You go in, you whack the guy, you throw him in a fucking incinerator, and then you throw his ashes in a fucking sewer.

That's it.

All right?

And then you take care of whoever got fucking hurt.

That's what you do.

All right?

But all this fucking shit that you then put it on the top, and then, you know, one of these fucking channels,

they're going to do like they do with the serial killers.

You know how you never know the victims' names.

You just know that those fucking people and all the fucking celebrities, you know, who if they even run their goddamn accounts then they got a fucking comment about it the celebrity reaction to the tragedy where they weren't at you know something else ah fuck it i'm on a rant you know what else i liked i liked all these douchebags who were taking videos of themselves they weren't anywhere near it hey just letting everybody know that i'm all right it's like yeah dude you're 20 fucking miles down the street

who the fuck even knew you were there

Who are you making this for?

You can't just text your friends and be like, yeah, dude, I'm cool.

I don't know.

Everything has, it's got to be about, everybody's got to make it about themselves.

I fucking, it drives me up the fucking wall.

Drives me up the fucking wall.

I have no solution for this shit, but I do firmly fucking believe that they have to stop

making these

fucking lunatics famous

and ranking, you know, the body count.

I might be wrong.

The fuck do I know?

I'm a comedian, okay?

I'll apologize next week.

I'll wear a fucking

Ted Bundy button on a pimp hat, and I'll fucking apologize to somebody, I guess.

I don't know what.

All right, there you go.

I'm done.

I'm done with my fucking rant there.

Anyways,

what else?

What else?

So yes, I went to the fucking

Tampa Bay Buccaneers game.

God, just five.

That shit just drives me nuts.

It's not about so-and-so's fucking reactions.

It's about the people that were there and then the people who came in and fucking helped the people.

It's not about the lunatic that did it.

It's about those people.

That's what it's about.

It's not about you down the street.

No, he's fucking there and I fucking, the DJ start playing records and I was like, whoa, what's going on?

Anyways,

I had a, I went to

the fucking Buccaneers game.

The pirate ship one, not the choo-choo train.

It's very confusing for Boston sports fans, okay?

We got one with a pirate ship, one with the choo-choo train.

and fans were fucking great great goddamn fans loved the stadium and you know it's funny you could tell that they they built the pirate ship first and then they put the flat screen the giant screen afterwards because

the Buccaneers won Super Bowl I believe the 2002 season

and

I remember vaguely remember them.

They brought the flag up and they put it up on the ship, which was cool.

You know what I mean?

The Buccaneers, they're pirates or whatever.

They got the ship ship or whatever right

but now they got this giant flat screen so the fucking championship flag was blocking the tv screen so now their super bowl flag is made out of mesh and it's difficult to see it's like you win a super bowl should be a giant fucking flag

move the ship or fucking put the the championship flag somewhere else Maybe they have another one.

I couldn't see it, but that struck me as funny.

You know what I mean?

And it also made me like Tampa Bay.

Where I'm just going, look at these fucking games.

They don't have a zillion dollars.

They're just adding on to this thing.

Like somebody bought a house, then they got a little money.

They put a fucking addition on it.

You know, somebody bought a boat.

Then a recession happened.

You know?

Then it came back to the good times.

They bought a big fucking TV and then they got to adjust the sales.

You know, it's why you ever see like a degenerate gambler sitting there playing cards?

You always see like

signs of when they want.

They'll have like a really shiny bracelet,

you know, dirty hat, but like $500 sunglasses.

It's just like, it's up and down, up and down, up and down.

The whole fucking wardrobe.

Dirty jeans with like a fucking

wearing a mink.

Anyway, so we went there, had a great time, was embarrassed by this one Patriots fan who just would not sit down.

He was this fucking,

you know, this guy weighed like 140 pounds, and he never got the shit kicked out of him, clearly, and he just wouldn't sit down.

and people are arguing well it's his right if he wants to stand up it's like but there's you know there's this this guy he brought his girlfriend she's short she can't see around him there's nobody standing in front of him and this patriots friend was like you know threatening to punch him in his finger i'm gonna punch you right in your fucking ear it was really like patriots fans arguing with patriots fist

it was fucking hilarious and i saw that we even won the game when we came out of the stadium and i saw there was a group of fucking Patriots fans and they were like arguing with each other.

And I just heard, vaguely heard this guy going, dude, why can't I wear a Teddy Bruce Key jersey?

What the if you can fucking wear it?

And then they just kind of walked by.

But, anyways, it was a it was a great time, and we had a great show out there.

And then the next day, old sober Bill, 53 fucking days in.

We rode up to the swamp and

listened to Ozzy on the way up, because on the way up, there you kind of go

not,

you get like within like 10 miles, I think, if you take the 75 north of where Randy Rhodes died.

So we listened to some early Aussie, early

solo Aussie, I should say, on the way up and just had a great time.

Pulled in, fucking smoked a cigar, had a great fucking time.

Got to go to another SEC game.

It was a great time.

Definitely a great time.

So thank you to everybody who came out.

I will definitely,

definitely be back.

I think the next time I come back, maybe I'll go back for

Florida State.

I've been to Miami.

I've been to

the Gators, so the only thing left really is Florida State.

And then there's that one, like, is it Central Florida?

There's another one that always has a lot of NFL players.

Is it Southern Florida?

Something like that.

I can't remember.

Whatever, whatever.

I'll figure it out.

Oh, that Patriots fan wouldn't sit down.

He had a Tom Brady fucking jersey on in salmon shorts.

And everyone's going, don't you sit down?

Shut the fuck down.

First time somebody said, sit down, he turns around, he goes, you asked me nicely.

Little shit, little fucking guy.

And not like a stocky, not like a Tai Dome-built little guy.

This was just a slight man.

And I don't know, was taking sports way too seriously.

I remember we got a first down, like a big first down at the end of the game.

And he did like that.

You know, that, remember that Jordan thing that he would do?

We'd make a fist and he'd fucking bring his arm up.

You know, when he sank the fucking shot and it was over?

He fucking did that.

You know, when when the patriots got a first down he had fucking lower jaws sticking out and shit as i don't know what the fuck

just looking at him lunatic and he just wouldn't sit down and finally bartnick got him to sit down i can't tell you what he said i can tell you what it started with he said hey giselle

sit the fuck down and i can't say the rest because everybody you know everybody

everybody gets all fucking up tight now uh but you know what it was effective he sat the fuck down and did not get up for the rest of the game and when he did he a few times times he got up on big plays and every else got up and they sat down.

Then he was finally a fucking gentleman of up.

Here's an interesting question.

Paul Verzi asked me on the ride back.

He goes, Do you believe in destiny?

And I told him, no.

He goes, no, I'm just asking.

Like, do you believe Michael Jordan was destined to be the greatest basketball?

And I was like, no, I don't.

I don't.

And he was saying that he did.

That he believed that it's just you have your destiny and whatever your destiny is, like, that's what the fuck

your destiny is.

And I just don't believe that.

I don't.

You know what I mean?

I think you're born with the talent.

And if you work your fucking ass off, you can make it happen.

However,

how fucked up the world is, there's a bunch of people that can take your destiny away from you.

Like you can fucking have, have, you know, your destiny is to be whatever.

You're going to be a doctor and fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then you go out one day, you drive down the street and you get hit

by a drunk driver and you die.

So like that was your destiny was to get hit by a drunk driver?

I don't think it is.

I don't think it is.

I think if the world was a perfect place, everybody would reach their potential.

But

you know, I've said this before, like the world doesn't give a shit about your dream, whether it comes true or not.

It fucking sucks.

And even if you make all the right choices and all that shit, you know, some fucking lunatic can, you know, take it away from you.

So,

see, this is why I don't talk about that shit.

All you cunts asking me about it.

I don't want to fucking talk about it.

The world is depressing enough as it is.

All right, the All Things Comedy Fucking Festival podcast read.

We're having our first all things comedy festival at the end of the month, October 26th through the 29th in Phoenix, Arizona.

I'm going to be there recording my first ever live Monday morning podcast.

I don't know how I'm going to do it.

If I'm going to address the crowd, if I'm just going to come walking out, if I'll, I don't know what I'm going to fucking do.

Doug Stanhope, the great Doug Stanhope, the legendary Doug Stanhope, the national treasure

that is Doug Stanhope, is doing his podcast at the Orpheum Theater.

Bert Kreischer, Ari Shafir, Jen Kirkman, and the Crabfeast

are also on the lineup.

Basically, we're taking over downtown Phoenix with a pop-up podcast studio, and the whole network is going to be there.

If you're in the Phoenix area, come hang out with us.

Go to allthingscomedy.com to get your tickets.

I can't wait to do this, man.

This is going to be fun as hell.

It's really going to be fun as hell.

I know this has been like a fucked up podcast because I'm trying to talk around a lot of shit in it, you know.

And yet another one of my fucking friends died.

Co-workers died.

And it's just fucking...

Fucking sucks.

It sucks.

You know, Ralphie May, the great Ralphie May,

unfortunately passed away this weekend.

And

just legit, legit, legit fucking murderer.

That guy

just fucking killed.

He killed the first time I saw him.

I think it was,

was it the late 90s when he came out?

I believe it was the late 90s.

He came out and there was already another comic there, bigger guy, Ron Lester, who also has since fucking passed away, unfortunately, which I didn't even realize.

He died last year, so rest in peace to him.

And,

you know, those big guys had to deal with like clubs.

They kind of had this thing where they just, you know, they had their big guy comic.

And

so it was like weird.

They almost were like in competition with each other.

And then Ron ended up getting all this acting work and he just sort of stopped doing stand-up.

But Ralphie came in and just was just a fucking, was a force to be dealt with.

And,

you know, that just fucking sucks.

Remember, you always tell me he was going to teach me how to smoke meat or whatever like that, you know?

Because he was just going, You don't know how to do it, Bill.

He's like, You're from fucking Massachusetts, I'm from Tennessee.

I'm going to show you how to do it, blah, blah, blah.

And of course, we both got busy, we never got around to doing it.

And I know he's got two little kids,

so

I imagine someone's putting together a benefit somewhere for it.

So I imagine I'll be doing that.

But

yeah, it was just a fucking, just a fucking sad, sad time.

God damn it.

I remember I did the traveling virus tour with him.

I did a lot of gigs with that guy.

Like a lot of those

sort of, you know, I don't know.

He was much younger than me.

Not much.

I'm 49.

He was 45.

But we came up roughly,

he started younger than I did.

That's what it was because we both kind of started at the same time, I want to say.

So

he was always as seasoned as I was.

So I always felt, I felt like we were the same age, even though I was older than he was.

So as we went up, just a a lot of comedy festivals, a lot of tours.

The tours always got better.

He was the guy I told you this.

He was Ralphie Mae, was the fucking guy.

I remember I did this gig, Chilcoot Charlie's, which is a great gig, but their fucking accommodations were the worst accommodations I ever had.

Was up in Alaska, and I showed up, and the bed literally was broken,

and it looked like

it looked like the bed bugs

left.

Like they couldn't hack it.

We're like, fuck this.

And I remember the boards were busted and the mattress was like fucking.

And it had a giant crease in it and shit.

And I was,

you know,

raised Catholic or whatever.

So rather than expressing that you didn't like it, you just took it.

And just was like, all right, I got to be tough.

I got to fucking...

I told you, the first night I spent in fucking my walkthrough bedroom, my first night in New York City, I felt this thing on my chest and I turned on the light and there was a roach crawling across my chest and I flicked it off my fucking chest.

I didn't even kill it.

I just thought it was like, oh, this is what I gotta,

I gotta like, I gotta get myself tough enough to handle this.

Like I'm gonna live with bugs crawling over me.

Yeah, I'm a fucking lunatic.

I don't know what.

So anyway, so I do the gig and I stay in that shithole.

So I end up going down to the laugh factory

like a week or 10 days later and I walk in.

Ralphie was always hanging out,

always did the work, you know.

And I came down and he was just like, hey, Bill, what's up?

I say, hey, man.

He goes, where are you coming from?

That's what we always asked each other.

There were certain guys, you know, that were just road dogs.

Hedberg, Ralphie,

Stanhope, Geraldo.

Like,

these were the guys, every time I went to a fucking club,

they either were just there

or they were going to be there the next week.

I just, when I was coming up, we were all kind of closing the same rooms.

Like Hedberg was ahead a little bit ahead of me, as was Stanhope.

And those, but those, they were roughly my age.

And those were guys that I really looked up to as far as like,

you know, they were just, they were like,

They started a few years before me, so they were just sort of cutting this

path.

And their style is like, I want to do that.

I want to say what the fuck I want to say on stage.

I don't want to do what they're doing.

I want to,

you know,

be who the fuck I am the way they are was basically it.

So anyways,

we used to always ask each other, where you coming from?

Where you going or whatever, right?

Whenever I ran to any of those guys.

And

so I run into Ralphie and he goes, where are you coming from?

I was like, oh, I did that gig up in Alaska, Chilcoop Charlie.

He's like, oh, fuck, I did that gig.

Great gig.

I was like, yeah, great gig.

And I was was like, Jesus Christ.

I go, how about that comedy condo?

And Ralphie got this serious look on his face.

He goes, he goes, I didn't stay there.

I go, what do you mean?

He goes, man, he goes, I took one look at that place.

He goes, I'm not staying here.

And they got me a hotel room.

And I just looked at him

and I said, you can do that?

And he laughed.

He goes, yeah.

He goes, what the fuck are they going to do?

He goes, it's Alaska.

Are they going to get another fucking comedian to fly six hours all the way up there?

Have some lumberjack go on stage and tell some street jokes?

It's like, just

say no.

And that was one of those things I fucking learned.

And I was just like, all right.

And after that,

after that, if I went someplace, I just, and it was a shithole, I just said no.

And if they just said, we're not paying for a hotel room, I said, you know what?

I'm going to.

I'm going to pay for a fucking hotel room.

And it was worth it.

To just be able to go back to a fucking place where you felt safe and you didn't feel like there was going to be bugs crawling on you or somebody jizzed jizzed all over the fucking board, or God knows what, fucked some chicken or period.

I'm not even going to tell you that fucking story.

Every comedian knows that fucking one.

That goddamn fucking crime scene.

Cleaning lady quit.

The big rumor was the bloodstains were still on the fucking windowsill.

I swear to God, this is all, this is all, this is not myths.

So, goddamn it, Ralphie.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

Ah, fuck.

Anyways, all right, let's get into some.

Now that I've talked about another dead friend, let's talk about

some advertising here.

Let's go to the questions for the week.

All right, fuck you, America.

I'm not reading that one.

Are my mom and her boyfriend being selfish or am I?

By the way, the person who wrote Fuck You America, I'm not saying that you didn't make some decent points there, but it's a waste of time for you to write that, for me to read it after you write that.

All right, why don't you grow the fuck up and come up with a more mature title and I'll read that one.

How about that?

How about that?

How about that?

And then I'll wade into the topic of gun control as if I know a fucking thing about it or even have a solution.

Are my mom and her boyfriend being selfish or am I?

Dear Bill, I'm 19 and live at home working to get this carpenter's apprenticeship.

with a local union and please don't say my name on the podcast.

Well, why would you give me your name, you fucking moron?

About two months ago, my mom's boyfriend started coming over and staying over to a point where he was practically living there.

Gross.

They would stay here in this place extra in his place exactly half the time.

The first three days he was here, I heard their headboard day and night.

I was like, who the fuck is this guy?

Oh my God.

El boy.

Ell boy.

My mom said they had been friends for a year now, but only went on two dates.

I asked her to have him not be here as much and if she could just come home without him.

I don't want to talk to my mom with this guy right fucking there.

Nothing changed until one night I snapped and went on a rampage.

My mom called the cops on me that night, and now the half the time they would have spent here is just my mom now.

But here's the kicker.

So that's good.

You got him out of the house?

But here's the kicker.

Two weeks later, he proposed.

Oh boy, when my mom talked to me about it, she asked if I had a problem with her wearing the ring.

Literally, the question was only about the ring, not the engagement.

I feel totally disrespected by him and my mom for not seeing that this guy has no respect for her son.

I've decided to join the Coast Guard because the union stuff is taking too long.

I would have just moved in with my dad if every day he didn't just bring out how much of a bitch my mom is.

Jesus Christ, dude, this is awful, man.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

And how his life sucks

and I can't be around that.

I'm ready to walk away and just drop my family entirely.

My mom swears this guy's a super, super nice, but he doesn't give a fuck about her life as a mother and subsequently me.

Or maybe I'm wrong.

I just wanted to get another opinion because I'm ready to just cut off everyone in my family and walk away.

Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Well, it's your mom and your dad.

You don't want to do that.

You know, I can see why you want to get out of the the house when you can hear somebody banging your fucking mother.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

Hey, mom, how about doggy style?

You know what I mean?

You always got to be in the fucking missionary position?

Something, for Christ's sake, can you slide down the bed a little more?

All right, well, until you move out, I would recommend getting some wireless headphones.

Maybe those Bose ones that block out the fucking noise.

I don't know what to tell you here, dude.

I wouldn't join the Coast Guard unless you wanted to.

Oh, the Coast Guard sounds, that sounds like a great fucking job to me.

Although I did fucking talk about, you know, that time I went on that thing about like whenever a fucking hurricane's coming, how everybody's, you know,

going to safety, like how everybody in the Coast Guard is just like, they got to be on pins and needles because they know some dumb fuck's going to take their stupid boat out there.

And then when they fuck up and then they call to rescue them, these poor men and women are going to have to go out and go fish them out.

All right, so what are you asking me here?

I would not cut out your mother and your father.

Um,

I would talk, I would communicate to your mother

how you feel about that guy and how you don't feel that he respects you, okay?

And that's the reason you're leaving, I guess.

And then I would talk to your dad saying, you know, dad, I would love to stay with you, but all you do is bitch and say what a bitch my mother is.

And she's my mom, and I'm sick of listening to it.

All right, just try to say it in a nicer fucking way, but um,

I don't, it doesn't sound like they're hearing you.

Ah, fuck.

But here's the thing, dude.

If you're going to be, you can't, you got to fucking clear the air with them because you can't go into the Coast Guard an angry fucking lunatic.

Because what's going to happen is you're going to get into a fight or something because you're pissed off at that fucking douche who's banging your mom.

And then that's going to affect your career.

So

this is something that I've been working on.

This is fucking brutal.

Forgiving people.

Like that guy, you got to somewhere in your head and just forgive the guy for being a fucking moron.

And so you get that off of you.

And

you know, when you forgive somebody,

it does a lot for you.

It gets it off of you.

And then

what you should be focusing on is trying

to figure out what your dream is and start walking towards it every day.

And

creating a life

that isn't like what you grew up with.

So your kid someday doesn't have to fucking deal with what you dealt with.

And, you know, and that doesn't happen overnight.

And the mistakes I made was I went out thinking, all right, I want to change all this about what I didn't like about growing up.

But then what happens is you gravitate towards what's familiar and you end up re, I think you kind of go out and recreate it.

inevitably and then you have to dismantle that and start over again.

At least that's what happened to me.

I'm superimposing whatever the fuck happened to me.

But

I wouldn't come at your mother

or your dad with anger.

I would just say, listen,

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I'm not happy with this.

I forgive you.

I understand.

You got to try to do what's right for you.

But this bothered me because of X, Y, and Z.

And just say, tell your dad, say, Dad, you know something, I got to forgive you for something.

And that'll get his attention.

I forgive you for every time that I came over here and you went on and on about what a fucking bitch my mother was.

All right.

It did a lot of damage and it did so much damage that I have to sit here and try to figure out how to forgive you for that.

And then just stop talking and listen to what he says.

Okay?

If he's any sort of a man, his head's going to drop and he's going to fucking apologize to you.

And you can, you know?

And I'm not saying then all the anger you're going to have towards him goes away right then.

You start that.

And if you guys work on starting over from that point and really fucking work on it and really fucking communicate.

Hopefully you can go out into the world and not be an angry young man like I was because I hurt a lot of people.

All right, there you go.

All right.

Problem with girlfriend.

Dear Billiam, I have a big problem with my girlfriend, with my lady,

lady in red.

She's coming to me.

I have a big problem with my girlfriend.

If we've been date, well, we've been dating for the past three years, and I think I might want to marry her.

But for the last month or so, we've been having a fight.

My sister and I are very close, and since my parents died last year in a car crash, we moved in together, which for some reason pissed her off.

I don't know why.

Well, I mean, where were you living before that?

She probably, after three years, wanted you to move in with her.

Probably wants a goddamn ring.

Then for some reason, the fact that my sister and my best friend still smoke pot

and that they are

doing it.

Then for some reason, the fact that my sister and my best friend still smoke pot

and that they are dating as well.

Oh, she doesn't like that either.

I would admit it was weird for me at first, but I got used to it.

Anyway, the fight was about the fact that she wants to move in.

That she wants me to move in with her.

Yeah, obviously.

But I don't want to.

And she refuses refuses to move in with me as long as my sister is there.

I do love her and all that stuff, but this is something that I just can't do.

My sister is in a very fragile place right now, and my girlfriend can't get that or won't.

I don't know what to do.

If possible, can you ask Nia?

I feel like women would understand better.

Well, she's downstairs dealing with my daughter.

Here's the deal with women.

They work on a different clock than we do.

All right?

So you just took three years of her life.

All right.

And all she's hearing is, you know, that story, the telltale heart under the floorboards?

That's their fucking womb.

All right.

They have a finite amount of time where they can have kids.

All right.

Before you have to start doing some Buck Rogers shit.

Okay.

And women do not want to go through that if they don't have to.

All right.

So what she needs out of you is some sort of fucking commitment.

All right.

And she was looking for that.

After three years, the fact that all she wanted to do was move in, she's being pretty cool.

She should probably be going for the fucking ring, depending on how old you are.

And what I would do with, if I was you, dude, I would man the fuck up and either commit to her or I'd break up with her, one or the other.

Although the wild card is,

is that your parents died last year in a car crash, so

you're probably not in a place emotionally to make that fucking decision.

Ah, Jesus Christ.

You know what?

Fuck everything everything that I just said.

Your parents died in a fucking car crash last year.

You got to look out for your family members.

And if she can't fucking understand that, then

I don't know what to tell you.

I guess you got to figure out how much you're going to find out how much you love her.

You know, if

you got to let her go, maybe you got to let her go.

I don't know.

I have no fucking idea.

But I understand her side.

I've invested three years in this, and you moved in with another woman and it's your sister.

That seems like a step backwards to her.

And then she has to move in.

She wanted to fucking

listen, this chick wants to marry you.

So she wanted to move in and then have you guys have a bunch of communal stuff because women think that if you do that, that you're not going to, there's a less of a chance that you're going to break up with them.

They feel like it's moving in a positive direction.

And you went left.

You took a left-hand turn, but life gave you a fucking left-hand turn.

So you're both not wrong.

Why Why don't you try that?

Just say to her, look, you're not wrong for being mad at me.

And I'm also not wrong for taking care of my sister.

And then just stare at her, and whoever talks first loses.

Something along those lines.

You're not wrong, and she's not wrong.

She's not wrong after three years to fucking be like, what the fuck.

And you're not wrong for looking out for your sister when something like tragic like that.

This is fucking nothing but tragedy nowadays.

Jesus Christ.

Sorry that happens for you, sir.

To you, sir.

All right.

Geographically locked by marriage.

Jesus, there's just no ray of light here.

Hi, Bill.

Love your work.

Thank you for the laughter.

Hey, something positive.

I've been in a relationship since 2011

with a European woman.

That became a marriage.

I'm originally from South America, educated in the U.S.

Went to fancy school there, MIT.

Look at you, you smart bastard.

Then got my PhD in Europe.

Whoa, Lottie, duh.

Spreading your brain all around the fucking world here.

We've been a solid couple.

Our glue was out of love for

mountaineering.

Mountain climbing?

Is that what that is?

Mountaineering?

I don't know what the fuck that is.

Is that some weird sex shit?

Or does that mean you fucking...

It's not rock climbing.

Mountaineering, you just walk up a mountain yodeling.

And outdoor sports.

The fuck is mountaineering?

Jeep had a wagoneer.

I remember that.

I remember a mountaineer.

Mountaineering.

Wikipedia, you always have the answers.

The term mountaineering describes the port, the sport of mountain climbing.

Oh, so rock climbing is what people do at gyms now.

And mountaineering is if you actually go up a mountain.

Okay, I get it.

While some scholars identify mountaineering-related activities as climbing,

parentheses, rock and ice, and trekking up mountains, others are also adding backpacking, hiking, skiing.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I already see these groups.

We're mountaineering too.

We just take a ski lift.

All right, mountaineering.

All right.

Jesus Christ, dude.

What are you, fucking James Bond?

Born in Africa, went to MIT, got your PhD in Europe,

you climb mountains, other outdoor sports.

How do you top mountaineerings?

Huh?

What do you do?

I'm trying to think how you topped that as far as outdoor sports.

But now things are...

What else do you do?

You grab cobras by the fucking tail and kiss them on on the back of the head.

By now, things are a bit sour.

What happened?

We'd always been a solid couple.

Our glue was out our love for mountaineering and outdoor sports.

But now things are a bit sour.

I don't see how I can have a career here in this continent.

And she's a working-class lady who would suffer a lot from moving.

I also have a good business possibility in my home country, Brazil.

Oh, South America.

I thought you said Africa.

South America.

Okay, so you simply can't let that go.

I developed somewhat of a scorn for the paperwork required to simply exist in Europe and would rather be on my own, live up to my own country,

make my money, and have the freedom to explore my vast underdeveloped continent.

But she wouldn't be able to come along.

Also, for my high-tech education, most good jobs are in the great US of A, but I'm also burnt out with visas and permits and red flags.

I don't think I have the strength to beg for a high-tech job that will pay me less than my business in Brazil.

Other than that, we get along fine.

She's a solid partner, but not the type who would survive the third world.

I think it's a no-brainer, but I'm lost, homebound, and would love your thoughts.

Thank you.

Jesus, damn, I mean, dude, that's a huge.

You're gonna ask a fucking comedian who doesn't know you to make that decision.

I think at the end of the day, whenever it comes down to stuff like this, you have to make decisions that are going to make you happy.

All right?

If you don't, you're not going to be happy and then you're going to make the person you're with miserable.

However, if there's kids involved, then

you know, you got to man up and suffer.

It doesn't sound like you got any fucking kids.

All right, if you're married to this woman and you don't have any fucking kids, then, you know,

if you're going to start getting resentful and you're just going to argue and argue and argue and argue, all you guys are going to do is take

great years,

young, healthy fucking years of your life where you should be having a good time and you're going to just make each other fucking miserable.

All right, so either you figure out how to fuck to stay with her or she comes along with you or you go your separate ways.

But

if you need to, you know, because guys, we're not good sometimes expressing ourselves.

Maybe if you sit down before you talk to her, you write down what would make you happy.

You write down the points you want to make.

I used to do this shit

so I could, I still haven't mastered this, but so I could figure out how to fucking have a productive confrontation.

And I would list all the points that I wanted to make.

I would list what I wanted, and then I would draw a big, stupid, smiley face reminding me not to be an angry cunt.

So I don't know if that helps you.

I hope it did.

So, anyways,

as if there weren't enough tragedies this month, my fucking,

my fucking,

I don't know what happened.

They didn't record the F1 race today.

So, I missed that Japan one.

I did see the clip where, for whatever reason,

Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel were like in some meeting in front of all the other drivers, like telling on each other.

You know, ooh, he took his steering wheel off.

The other guy's like, oh, he took his seatbelt off.

It was loose loose.

it just made me I was just I just I swear to God man I it's like F1 is that like the soccer of of motorsports I can't believe what kind of a fucking

I don't understand people who they they have the balls to drive 200 miles an hour on each other's fucking bumpers

staring death in the face and then they go in there and they fucking telling on each other.

I just that was really disappointing to see.

I still love the sport.

It's such a great fucking sport, but I don't know.

You know what it is?

Maybe that's just, maybe that's just, it's too much access.

I don't need to see that shit.

You know what I mean?

I don't need to see that fucking.

I don't need to know all the fucking ins and outs.

The Rosie, the Riverdish, this guy fucking complaining about this or that.

But anyways, Conbeck, congratulations to Lewis Hamilton, despite the fact you're telling on people in meetings.

Shamelessly.

Maybe that's like a fucking European thing.

Like they just have different fucking

rules over there.

You know what I mean?

You can walk around in a banana hammock, fucking Speedo, and that's just totally acceptable.

Fucking telling on people.

I mean, that was just

embarrassing.

I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

Why did I bring up how much I love boozing?

Now I'm just thinking about getting one of those custom mattresses.

Remember that thing where they used to have the lady jumping up and down on the mattress and the guy would have the glass of red wine and it wouldn't spill?

That's what I needed.

Anyways, I start,

I got some acting work coming up here over the next, I don't know, four or five weeks.

So I got at least another 20 days on this whole not boozing thing.

And

I'm actually really enjoying it.

I've dropped some weight and shit.

I do enjoy not drinking, but I will tell you this.

It's just nighttime right now, and it's fucking difficult.

Oh, look who's here.

Hey, baby, there ain't no easy way out.

I won't back down.

You know, that was one of the great things I've ever seen at a sporting event.

Can you please say that again?

Do your impression of me again.

Oh, one of the great things I've ever seen in a sporting event.

The lovely Nia, everybody.

Okay, Dad.

How you doing?

I'm doing good.

How you doing?

I'm great.

Baby's asleep.

Oh, God.

What's going on?

It's been a while.

Yeah.

I got her all amped up today, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

She had one nap for 30 minutes all day.

That's ridiculous.

We were excited to see each other.

Yeah, she was excited to see you.

It was cute.

You guys are cute.

It's ridiculous.

I love that kid, obviously.

Ooh, what do we got here?

Oh, I already read this one.

Boo.

This guy wanted...

All right, I'll just paraphrase these two things, alright?

Oh, you already did them?

You don't have to go back.

Well, there was one guy, all right?

His mom, he's like 19, he lives at home, and his mom has a new boyfriend, and he could literally hear the headboard getting fucking

terrible.

Terrible, right?

Yeah.

And then if he goes, he'd go stay with his dad, but his dad is always talking about what a bitch is, you know, the divorce.

Oh, that's brutal.

Yeah, so now he's thinking of just like joining the fucking Coast Guard.

Just so he doesn't.

No, well, I mean, if you want to, but that seems like an awfully extreme

would she get a job at like Child World, maybe?

He should, yeah, definitely try to find his own place.

Try to stay on land and work it out?

Yeah, I think so.

I don't think that you'd have to join.

Nothing, there's anything wrong with the Coast Guard.

I think the Coast Guard, it's got to be raining pussy.

It's got to be.

How?

You walk around in a uniform, you're on a boat,

and a bunch of other other dudes.

Yeah,

but you're not like, you're not out to sea.

Oh, does it not count if you're on a boat?

What do you mean?

Does what not count?

I don't know what you're saying.

I mean,

you know.

Oh, right.

You know what?

I'm thinking of the Navy.

The Coast Guard is not the same as the Navy.

No, it isn't.

When you said it doesn't count, what do you mean it, what doesn't count?

Like, you know, like when guys go to jail and stuff.

Like, it doesn't count.

Like, you're not, like, necessarily.

Are you talking about guys banging other guys?

Yes.

How did you get that?

I don't know.

And what does it mean it doesn't count?

It doesn't count if you're

out to sea.

Whoever said,

where did you ever hear that?

I feel like...

Did you ever bang a guy?

Yeah, it didn't count.

I was out on a lake.

No, I feel like for

sexually flexible men or whatever, like if you're in an extreme situation, like jail or out to sea.

What in God's name are you talking about?

Like, it doesn't necessarily...

These people, they go out, somebody tips over in an inner or two.

There's a drug dealer coming up.

They go out and they fuck them up and then they come back.

Yeah, they go on a patrol, but this isn't like...

Yeah, no, no, no.

I got confused.

I was thinking that it was like the navy where aren't you like out on a boat like for months?

Yeah, but the navy then are out there fucking each other

They come into port and then they bang a bunch of why was there a song in the navy you can help your fellow man

That was the village people

all right.

Do you think Native Americans are gay?

Because that one guy with the headdress was going macho macho man.

But they were singing about like guy stuff,

like

places where there's groups of men together.

Listen, I've been to the YMCA.

I never fucked another guy.

I went there and I used their unbelievably old workout equipment.

I played some pickup hoop.

I didn't see any gay sex happening there.

All right.

Well, fine.

Obviously, the Coast Guard is not the same as the Navy, but I was just saying that if it was, it would be fine because it doesn't count because you're out to sea and like you're just not around

your normal element and it's like are you like high right now

i swear to god i'm not high i know i sound really high right now

but i'm not but like you can she's getting over being sick by the way this isn't like some smoker thing with her um

yeah because they're gonna be like oh you've got a smoker's cough um

no i just

uh

i don't know my point is i don't know what my point point was.

But I was saying, you know what I mean?

My thing is...

He's in the Navy.

No, I feel like...

Oh, he's joining the Coast Guard.

He's joining the Coast Guard.

I figure that's like a fucking, like, if you meet someone in a bar, I think it's a woman, the guy said he's in the Coast Guard.

That's like being like, you know, women like firemen.

It's like you're a fireman, except you're fucking on a boat.

Yeah, I know, that's hot.

Yeah, and you're like going.

There you go.

What'd you say?

It's hot.

That's what I was talking about.

You have to go talk about jail sex.

I don't know where the fuck that came from.

Isn't it enough this kid has to think of, hear his mother getting banged up against the fucking headboard?

You got to bring up fucking prison sex?

Sorry.

You know, this podcast has taken a lot of left turns throughout the years.

That was one of the bigger ones.

All right.

Well, you don't have to join the Coast Guard just to get away from your, but maybe you do.

I don't know.

What does the Coast Guard do?

They're like the cops of the water.

Right.

Okay.

This is who I married, everybody.

This is when you thought she was the brains of the outfit.

We have a child that we're gonna raise.

What is the Coast Guard?

Oh, wait, that's right.

Aren't they like the cops of the water?

Hey, do they get upset when there's like a tornado?

Not a tornado.

Look up Don Miami.

A fucking hurricane.

Hey, settle down, water.

That'll be enough of that.

No, they actually do a lot of badass shit.

They save people's lives, they fly out there and fight all these fucking dopes.

But they are the cops of the water.

I mean, they would be insulted to hear me say that.

A nicer way to say it is they guard the shores of this great country.

Oh, can they?

Oh, that's nice.

Can they arrest you?

Oh, good.

So, like, fucking that guy from Christian Bale.

Yeah.

Oh, good for you.

Do can they arrest you?

The Coast Guard?

Yes.

I would love to see you with a giant shipment of drugs when they pulled up.

Who are you guys?

Do you guys like have sex with each other?

Oh, you're the Coast Guard.

Oh, wait, you're like the cops of the water.

Wait, can you arrest me?

I would pay you fucking all the money in the world just to see the look on their fucking face.

I know I'm insulting so many Coast Guard members.

Officers?

Wow.

Officers.

Not members.

No, there's all different ranks.

I imagine there's seamen.

Keep your mind out of the gutter.

All the way up to officers, there's captains.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Captains.

You want me?

Hey, why don't we do this?

You know, Nia,

when I don't know stuff, I just ask the internet.

And whoever made a page on it, then I just go, oh, that's what it is.

that's what it is okay

the Coast Guard

let's get it let's get it I gotta go wiki on this so they'll actually help me out here

all right

okay the United States Coast Guard is a service chief and highest ranking member oh this is the commandant of the coast the United States Coast Guard sorry

your phone is vibrating over the United States Coast Guard is a branch of the United States Armed Forces and one of the countries.

Nia,

you can't save everything by saying of the water.

Nia, you've been watching the Kardashian show way too fucking much here.

All right.

What is that supposed to mean?

Jesus.

All right, wait a second.

The Coast Guard is a maritime military multi-mission service unique among the U.S.

military branches branches for having maritime law enforcement.

Can they arrest people

with jurisdiction in both domestic and international waters?

Now, there's a big one.

I didn't know international.

So you can't like outrun these fuckers and then just sit there and make faces at them the second you get out in international waters.

I didn't know that.

And a federal regulation.

I thought once you went out in international waters, it was captain's...

Captain's law, right?

Captain's log.

And a federal regulation mission is part of the mission, its mission set.

It operates under the U.S.

Department of Homeland Security during peacetime and can be transferred to the U.S.

Department of the Navy.

So this,

all right, I'm going to stop.

No, actually, you're right.

So I didn't realize that they were then activated.

I thought they were like the

sort of the farm team.

Like AAA of the Navy.

Of the water.

Of the water, yes.

You know, there's a lot of people laughing at us right now, and they didn't know that they could be activated to the Navy.

All right, my point is, I was just saying.

This has happened twice, that they were made part of the Navy.

Once in 1917 during World War I, and another time during World War II.

And that's obviously, you know, Pearl Harbor happened, and then German U-boats.

And I don't know what the fuck happened in World War I.

Okay.

Were there wooden ships off our coast?

Right.

No, there weren't wooden ships at that point.

Okay.

Although the fucking biplanes were made out of like Kleenex, I think.

All right.

I think that we've showed how dumb we are.

Aboo, a boo, a boo, boop, boop, boop.

All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

If you'd like to see this live,

if you'd actually like to see this train wreck live, once again, All Things Comedy Festival podcast.

All things, oh, what is this?

All things comedy festival.

We are having this on October 26th through the 29th in Phoenix, Arizona.

I'm going to be at Stand Up Live on October 28th doing this podcast live, live, live.

And there's been a lot of people requesting that you're there.

Really?

But we got the kiddo, so I don't know if that happens.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know about that.

Where is it?

It's in Arizona.

You want to fly to Arizona to do a podcast for free?

I don't know.

Hey, how funny was it the other day?

The other day when you were getting sad and you were starting to cry and I just kept making that that sad face which would then make you laugh and then you couldn't cry i hate when nia cries because i don't know what to do i told you that story big tears big tears right so

she was talking i don't know what the fuck she was talking something about our kids you don't even yeah you don't even know what it is that i'm talking about like you don't even care you're just like make it stop don't do that yeah all i did was she just started tearing up she's like you know

I want to talk to you about something.

I'm just worried that in the future, she started doing that.

And when she did that, I just made this.

I just looked at her.

I made a little sad face.

And then she looked up and saw me.

And you started fucking laughing.

What was funny is you had tears in your eyes, but you were laughing.

And then she kept trying to go back to crying again.

No, listen to me.

I'm just trying to stay.

And then I would make the sad face again.

Guys, you got to do that to your woman.

Next time she gets.

No, look, if it's something fucking serious.

It was something serious.

It was, oh, you know, it wasn't.

Yes, it was.

It was silly.

It was.

It was was serious.

I thought it was trivial.

Yeah, exactly.

See, not everyone is going to be as.

You know why I thought it was trivial?

Because it was coming out of your dumb head.

Exactly.

Exactly.

You don't even know what it was that I was concerned about.

You were concerned about the cops of the water.

You're laughing like you baked.

Wait a second.

So, does the Coast Guard

all that's it?

The ship is sailed.

No pun intended.

It's over.

Well, maybe, Huba.

All right, fine.

No, don't, don't, don't give someone the pouty face when they're coming to you crying about an emotional issue that they're feeling.

That's a terrible thing.

All right, then tell me what you were concerned about.

I'll be a mature now.

Go ahead.

What were you concerned about?

It was about you two.

It's a good move because it keeps you happy.

All right, that's the podcast.

That's the podcast.

I know we have the creepy surveillance.

The monitor.

She's so peaceful.

Looks like you shot her with like a dart or something.

Face down.

She's out.

It's like some Discovery Channel when you want to tag an animal.

All right, that's the podcast for this Monday.

Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Thank you to everybody who came out to the shows this

weekend in St.

Petersburg and had a great time once again out there.

Cigar capital of the U.S., Nini.

It was fucking tremendous.

It was tremendous.

All right.

I'll see you guys.

What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast, NFL Edition,

going into week number six

with your host, me, Paul Verze, Bill Burr.

We got Themless.

We have Jake the Snake on injury reports.

Guys, I'm going to get right into it, dude.

Okay.

Out of five weeks of football, I've gone three of the five weeks, I've gone 0-4, 0-3-1.

And guess what?

0-4 again.

I am to say I'm, to say, to say I'm reeling.

Dude, to say I'm reeling is an understatement.

I cannot pick a winner to save my life.

Dude, these games, I feel like I have them in the bag.

And then two minutes left, you go look at the score and it's a fucking game again.

There has to to be a lot of people

this is i mean i bet you could always have the other team like you know a couple weeks ago having the the the colts versus the rams figure that game out and then last week i had the eagles broncos i'm watching it through three quarters i'm watching the ticker and i'm like all right dude yeah eagles came to play it's just like i said the broncos aren't as real as everybody's saying then it's like wait a minute It has been an exciting year, Paul.

Oh, it's been exciting.

Well, I got to tell you what.

It's been exciting for one reason here.

oh the patriots had it going last week i was gonna say your patriots looked good they didn't look like they looked contending good i gotta be honest with you dude i i think i said on this podcast i said i got a good feeling that mike brave old's gonna have this team by the end of october be the 500 team that nobody wants to play but i mean

Like how they look.

Look, it was one week.

That's the best that they've looked.

If we can just take care of the football, Paul, if we could just take care of the football.

We fumble a lot.

Paul, I'm not going to lie to you.

We put it on the turf.

Dude, your running back catches passes out of the backfield.

He runs good.

Dude, Drake May, how about that kid having poise, confidence?

Well, and also what I love is him extending the play coming out of the pocket or whatever.

And

what's his face needs to, if he could just act like he's playing Buffalo every goddamn week.

How amped up he was.

Why am I, why am I, I'm thinking Shannon Briggs.

I'm in boxing right now.

Who are you talking about?

The fucking guy who played for the signed with the Minnesota.

Then he played with the Bills.

Then he played with the Texans.

Now he's with us.

Oh, Stephon Diggs.

Stephon Diggs.

Not Shannon Briggs, Paul.

Stephon Diggs.

Yeah, dude.

That guy was a man possessed.

Caught the first pass of the game.

He's fucking crawling like a dog, looking down at the end zone.

Dude, he was on

fire.

No, he wanted that game.

He wanted that game bad.

And the post-believably wanted that game.

Dude, he had like 10 catches for like 150 yards he totally showed up our d showed up dude in the post game in the post game i've never seen a player almost get emotional on basic questions they were like stefan did you feel like this is a game you really wanted against your old team and his like voice was cracking he's like well they kind of when he left town they kind of they kind of said like uh yeah we don't miss him yeah in a roundabout way yeah

um

so he came back dude dude drake may drake May making passes, though.

That last drive, the kid was throwing dimes, man.

Well, I think, yeah, I think Vrabel is obviously

the guy.

And speaking, I don't want to, you know, I'm speaking for me, but I think I speak for Patriot Nation.

This is the most excited we've been since 2018, which was Brady's second to last year.

The 2019 was the hardest thing.

That was like,

you know, he had nobody to throw to.

And then, you know,

free agency went to Tampa Bay and that was it.

So this was like the, the, the,

I don't know, it's the most, it's the best looking team.

It's reminded, it reminded me of like, that's how we used to win in the early 2000s when they said we were a boring team with no stars or whatever.

That kind of football.

And Brable was a part of that.

And it's, you know, who knows?

We might shit the bed this week.

I don't know, because that's still where we are.

I'm not going to say, you know, one week is who these guys are.

But like to finally

like have a win like that, dude.

I'm, I'm, like, I'm giddy, dude.

Billy Giddy over here, giddy Bill.

They looked like they could beat anybody that night.

And that's.

I wouldn't say that.

Like,

they would.

I mean, dude, they beat the Super Bowl favorites.

They say that every year about the Bills.

You know, the fucking Chiefs are going to figure it out, even though they lost again last week.

That was another one.

Oh, that one hurt me too, because I had them.

I had them.

I got a conspiracy.

I don't want to do that, but I do have conspiracies about certain things.

Did there's this whole field goal kicking thing now where anybody is lethal from 50 yards?

Like, how much did the human being evolve in the last three football seasons that a human being kicking a ball 50 yards is just like kicking like a 32-yarder now?

It's,

I don't know, dude.

Baseball, they've juiced up the balls.

Offense sells the game.

Where's the next place we could go?

Dude, there was literally like 20-something seconds left in a game.

And the announcers are like, plenty of time left.

Yeah.

So because, yeah, they're going to give them like a 30-yard cushion.

And I also like now the kickers, they won't kick it into the end zone because the ball comes out to like the 30 of the 35.

So if you notice they do that, they do like this little pooch kick.

Make the person return it.

And then you try to tackle them before that.

So,

you know, they run it out to like the 30-yard line.

And and then they get like 20 yards in the next play, and they're at the 50.

And they've taken like five seconds off the clock, and they're like, they need another eight yards.

Yeah.

And I don't like that they use a special ball to kick.

They should use the game.

They said that?

Yeah.

Well, there you go, Paul.

Yeah.

There's another ball.

Yeah, is there?

Is there?

There's another ball, Paul.

I want to kick that ball.

I bet I can hit a 30 yada now.

Oh, Billy, extra point.

Get me out there.

Dude, that would be hilarious.

If we could somehow get our hands on one of those field goal kicking balls.

Hey, I have an idea.

Baseball, I was watching the

Tigers.

Oh, my God.

They were down 3-0.

And then their bats came alive.

There was this bang-bang pickoff play by a right-handed pitcher, too.

Back to the thing.

Nailed this guy.

Dude, it was so close.

And this umpire got it right.

They went to review.

And if I was an umpire in Major League Baseball, I would have a fun bet.

It's a pool.

Everybody throws in 100 bucks or whatever.

At the end of the year, the umpire

that has the most, like, went to review and they got it right, wins like a golden camcorder trophy or some shit like that.

Yeah.

Because this guy dude, this dude was a stud.

He was just like, nah, man, you were out.

You were out.

And they 100% got it right.

Oh, I forget I had the other one.

I forget what the other one was.

I had a couple of like, I don't know, stupid baseball awards.

Sorry, Paul.

That started off good and then it just ran to the weeds.

Nah, nah, it's all good, man.

It isn't all good.

It fell on its face and it needs to be addressed.

I have no one to blame but myself.

I didn't get it done.

Sorry.

Yeah, you started out with the, you started out with confidence.

You came out.

You're like, oh, dude, this guy.

No, because halfway through, I was like, wait, I had another one.

And I couldn't remember what it was.

um they do get graded though right the officials they get graded those are the guys that go to the playoffs and those are the umpires the umpires what did i call them the officials oh okay well they all talking baseball or uh football i think i by the way i think all of them get graded in all the sports and then those are the guys that go to either the world series super bowl like yeah you know

There was one guy, Angel Hernandez.

I don't know if you remember him.

This entire like Instagram page is dedicated to that guy.

Angel Hernandez was the MLB guy that everybody just hated because he would, his mood would dictate the strike zone and he never was in the big one.

He was never in that I could remember.

Let's bring in Jay.

What do you think about guys?

I feel like guys that just like want confrontation like it has nothing to do.

That's like some childhood shit.

He always did.

He always did.

He would do a call bad and then look right at the ump or look right at the player and like want them to run out at him.

He was was that guy.

Oh, yeah.

He was that guy.

Yeah.

He would be like,

That sounds.

Yeah.

That sounds like he had an angry father.

Yeah.

It all goes

back to.

Let's bring in.

It'd be funny, like digging in, you know, calling time, like digging in, just being, Angel Man, listen.

I don't know what happened to you before this game, but it's not your fault.

All right.

And then

all of a sudden, the strike zone expands.

Angel, dude, nobody understands you, dude.

Nobody understands you, dude.

Have a good game, dude.

Yeah.

Whatever it is, dude.

Angel, I got a good feeling you and I had the same kind of father.

The catcher's like, oh, what the fuck?

Let's bring in Jake the Snake here.

Jake the Snake, come in here.

Give us.

Give us something, dude.

I need something from you.

Is Lamar Jackson playing?

I mean, what's going on with the injury report, Jake?

Yeah, not a lot of good news there.

Lamar is probably going to be out again against the Rams.

So, I mean, the Ravens could be looking at one and five going into their bye week.

So, who knows

what their future is going to look like?

There was a trade that happened the other day.

I don't know if you guys saw it, but Joe Flacco was traded to the Bengals, and he's expected to start for them on Sunday versus the Packers.

So,

I love Joe Flacco.

Yeah, he's great, but that O-line, I mean,

how old, Andrew, how old is Joe Flacco?

Is he 41?

I mean, Joe Flacco has been in the league forever.

He's got 41 years of knowledge in that noggin.

They just showed him on a commercial flight, like just standing in line in economy, going to Cincinnati.

Good for him.

They flew him, coach.

He's 40.

Okay, he's 40.

Which means he got in the league at like 22 or 21.

So he's almost been in the NFL for 20 seasons, seasons, dude.

I was in my mid-20s when Joe Flacco was a rookie on the Ravens.

Yeah, he won the Super Bowl like, what was that, 12 years ago?

He won the Super Bowl.

Yeah.

Against the 49ers.

It's like, yeah, it was like 2012, I think.

But yeah.

Time is flying, dude.

Time is flying.

Well, I'm happy for him.

And I hope,

well, dude,

like I said, you know, these past few weeks, I'm going to keep saying how wrong I was about Daniel Jones, but like,

it really is, you know, the offensive line is so much,

you know, if you're going to be a Hall of Fame quarterback or somebody people yell at at a hooters that you were a bust, so much of that has to do with what's in front of you, which I guess is really obvious now that I just said that.

Not having a good week here, Paul.

All right.

All right, guys.

Do we get into my picks?

I got the first pick of the week.

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My first pick, I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm 5'14 and 1.

Don't go with me.

Okay,

I gotta dig myself out of this hole.

I gotta get myself.

I gotta crawl out of this hole, Bill.

It's a rebuilding year for you, Paul.

Hey, listen, four in a row, four in a row.

What do you want from me?

Don't fucking pack it in, Paul.

You're about ready to do the greatest comeback.

This is your month, Paul.

This is Paul Versey's month.

Listen, turn it around.

Listen, the Yankees had a dynasty that failed

or that came to an end.

The Patriots had a dynasty that came to an end.

The Cowboys, the 49ers, it happens.

It happens.

When are they doing the 30 for 30 on Paul Verse's four in a row against the book?

I don't know what it was in 2025.

He just, he just, something changed.

Then all of a sudden, my wife is like, yeah, he wasn't eating right.

He wasn't having fun anymore.

He used to be excited to beat the book, and it's just, and then you're like, I lost my passion.

I lost my passion.

All right, what do you got, Paulie?

All right.

For my first pick, oh, I'm not touching the Giants.

I'll tell you that much.

Oh, tonight's going to be a tonight, might be ugly.

Paul, can I tell you something about the Thursday game?

Don't ever forget.

Don't ever forget.

Division rivalry, only four days to prepare.

That's true.

Like Nick Siriani can't do his shit.

He only has four days, so it brings down his level and it elevates your guy who needs a hat and some sunblock.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go with the hottest team in the NFL right now.

They had a big win.

Thank you, Paul.

No, no, no.

No?

I'm going to, well, they actually are one of them, but I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars at home.

Minus one

Jacksonville is four and one.

Trevor Lawrence looks good.

The new coach looks like he knows what he's doing, and they're at home.

And it's basically a pick'em.

I'm going to take Jacksonville to go five and one to start the year against the Seahawks.

That's a pretty quiet four and one, too.

I don't hear anybody really talking about them.

Jake, just to protect Paul, because he's a little wounded right now.

Is there anything going on that he needs to know on that game?

Seattle, is there a reason that's only a one-game-point spread?

No, I think you're putting on two pretty even teams.

Seattle has some injuries on defense, if anything, but otherwise,

Jacksonville is especially healthy.

So injury-wise, it should be all good there.

Okay.

All right.

Jake, don't go away, buddy.

I got a question for you.

Sure.

I'm looking at that Dolphins-Chargers game, and that number seems a little low to me.

Yeah,

offensive line's heard.

What's going on?

Yeah, the offensive line is really banged up for the Chargers.

It's come up in the last couple of weeks.

And then we just lost another running back.

All right, I'm taking the Dolphins plus four and a half because it doesn't make any sense to me.

It's a home game.

And, you know, I still think they got a competitive spirit down there

in some other sports cliches.

I'm taking the Dolphins.

The fact that we did this show without Jake for years is so funny.

We were just picked not knowing.

All right.

I took the Chargers last like four, maybe five weeks now, and I will not be taking them this week.

I mean, I'm off finally.

I know.

Well, I mean, if you have to look, I usually look at head coaches now.

Obviously, Jim Harbar is more experienced and that type of stuff.

But, you know, if your guy's running for his life, it's a home game.

Dolphins need a win.

Yeah.

All right.

Go ahead.

I'm putting

that game to the Panthers.

Did you guys see the ending there?

Because I like didn't, I just saw that they lost.

I was stunned.

I don't know.

I thought that was crazy.

I don't know, dude.

Come on, Paul.

This is just what makes that little old lamp.

I'm going to take, look, I got to do it.

He thinks the Giants can cover, but he knows that they can't.

Look,

Buffalo is coming off a rough loss against the Patriots, dude.

Fairly a rough one.

And this is less than a touchdown, more than a field goal, less than a touchdown against the Falcons.

I'm going to take Buffalo to win that game by 10.

I like that, Baul.

You don't have to go crazy.

Just to cover the spread, Paul.

I liked it until you said by 10.

Yeah, let's get the three.

It's four and a half, right?

Four.

Yeah.

All right.

I like that one.

Let's see here.

I got points in the first one.

I'm going to take the Cowboys minus three and a half going in and playing the Panthers.

Ooh, I like that pick.

Yeah, Smart.

I like that pick.

Guys, why are you jinxing me?

Everybody just agreed like that was a fucking foregone conclusion.

Well, the Panthers stink.

Are the Jets winless?

They're the only winless team left.

Yep, which is crazy.

Dude, the Jets have something, dude.

There's something, dude.

There's something.

I mean, look, dude, they made Aaron Rodgers look like his career was over.

Or wait, that's not fair.

That's not fair.

He blew out his knee.

Yeah.

That's not fair.

But it happened when he wore a Jets uniform,

dude.

The fourth play of the Jets' career was, I mean, dude, um, I know, and as hard as that was for him, wasn't it really the football gods looking out for him?

They're going, dude, we got distracting him from that situation.

We got to get you out of here, dude.

He, he, not only is he being great for the Steelers, he looks great in that uniform, dude.

He's been great for them.

Um, I hate that spread there, too.

All right, from my third pick,

Baker Mayfield and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

I like that game.

Yeah, that's that's maybe one of my picks as well.

Minus three

against the 49ers in Tampa.

I just, you know, it's a low spread.

I like it.

No 0.5 either.

I like the three.

And Baker Mayfield is having a, dude, Baker Mayfield's having one of the seasons of his career.

So

Yeah, I feel like he's not a secret anymore.

Like that guy was kind of a, you know, he's just, he's a winner, like to the point Colin Cowherd finally just finally capitulated.

No one's like, all right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that wasn't good.

Good for him.

It only took him nine years.

Well, how long did it take me to admit that Daniel Jones is a great quarterback?

I mean, whatever.

He said, like, you know, what happens?

Well, sometimes you're wrong.

Sometimes you're wrong a lot.

All right.

I actually fucking, now that, you know, all the rivalry's gone with the Colts, I really enjoy watching this team.

I hate that number.

If that number was six, if the Colts were minus six against the Cardinals,

we also don't know if Kyler Murray's playing.

That's not been decided yet.

But listen, that's like getting into a relationship with like some fucking chick that was just doing jello shots on the bar, you know, letting somebody sniff her tits.

All right.

Exactly.

It's exactly like that.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

All right.

I have on my cheerleader coat this week.

I might as well go with the Patriots, even though there's a big chance this is going to be a letdown game.

All right.

They're going into New Orleans.

Oh, my God, dude.

If I had the time, Paul, If I had the time, I would be at this game.

Minus three and a half going into one of my, I think, the best stadium in the NFL.

The redone New Orleans Superdome.

They kept enough of the old thing and they got enough of the new, and their fans are great.

And I fucking absolutely love that city and the people down there.

But I hate to tell you this: you're going to lose to the Patriots, and it's going to be more by

more than three and a half.

How about we got maybe a new Adam Vinatieri?

Dude, ice water in his veins.

And

one week, one week, what my team is.

How about me doing this dumb shit, Paul?

Huh?

Dude, and Adam Vinatieri was his hero.

And now he's, dude, he banged that.

I don't know.

I like it.

I do not want to play the, if I'm an NFL team right now.

Paul, if you're an NFL team, what would you do right now?

I would not want to play Vrabel's Patriots right now.

I think Drake May is really coming into his own right now.

And it wasn't, even though the throws were great, it was his face.

Okay, listen to me.

I'm Sicilian, dude.

I look at a guy's face i know i looked at drake mig's face and i go this kid got it you know come on paul you're gonna tell me when you looked at eli's face in a football helmet you knew when he was like this no but eli had to put the helmet on for me to know

the hardest thing to lose to the giants

was not the loss.

It's that the quarterback looked like this.

You know, his mouth would be hanging open and his face was all squished in, and he was killing us.

Actually, to be honest with you, come on, Paul.

The helmet catch and your defense, dude.

The defense doesn't get enough love.

I would say at this point, like, the defense has got to be going, like, come on, guys.

I know the quarterback's a sexy position, but

you got Tom Brady off his fot.

Yeah.

I only scored 10 points in that game in 07, yeah, or something like that.

It was something really low number.

No, it was 17-14.

14.

So, yeah, I mean, holding the greatest offense ever to 14 is pretty incredible.

It was unbelievable.

But it still works.

Justin Tuck.

Yeah, Justin Tuck, man, had a really good.

All right.

My fourth and final pick.

Dude, the most intriguing game on here has to be.

Didn't Eisen say, I love the adjectives.

The most intriguing game here has to be the Lions getting points against the Chiefs because the Chiefs are, the Chiefs have shown nothing but that they're not that good anymore they just

right what's their record I Paul this game scares the shit out of me because of everything that you're saying exactly as much as I tease Mahomes and blah blah blah it's fucking Patrick Mahomes they're going home after a fucking loss

The Lions are on fire, though.

I get where you're coming from, Paul.

Dude,

the Lions are four and one and have looked amazing since they lost week one.

I got to see it.

I got to see it.

I got to see it.

I got to see your hand.

I got to see the flop.

You know, when the dealer puts out the three, I got to see the three.

I can't.

I don't know, dude.

You think that the Chiefs are going to go home and beat the hottest?

I think they're going to win the game.

Oh,

Paul, it's not good for the NFL either.

It's not good for Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift.

If it's not good for them,

it's a lot of money out the door.

They would be what?

Yeah,

two and four.

They'd be two and four.

Yeah, I said their record's two and three right now.

Is Jaden Daniels playing?

Yes.

I'm taking the Commanders at home, Monday night football.

Oh, Paulie.

Yeah.

Monday night football.

Mine is four and a half.

He's back.

They're at home.

The Bears are what?

Two and

uh, I want to say two and two.

They had a bye last week, so they didn't play.

I'll take the Commanders Monday night football at home.

They should win that game by a touchdown.

I hope.

Look at Paul.

You almost did the three-foot.

You did Sunday night, Monday night.

All you need is Thursday night.

Paulie's a night guy.

He's a good guy.

I'm a reeling, dude.

Dude, I'm reeling.

I hate seeing you like this.

This is hard.

This is real.

I'm going to tell you something.

This is really.

Is there anything better?

Is there anything better than Paul Verzee up on the book talking shit?

Him with his hoodie up, looking like he's getting over a head cold.

You know, I pass him outside now.

You know, he's just, the man is reeling, both professionally and personally.

You know, you know, when a pitcher or a hitter is in a slump and then they go to therapy, that's what I'm at right now.

I'm just.

But you know what?

I did like Paul when you leaned back.

I saw you had you have a polo.

It's a polo hoodie.

Yeah.

It's not sad.

You're still winning.

Of course.

I mean,

what we are seeing is a winner with a little bit of depression right now.

He's coming back.

He got scruffed, though, but it's lined up, though.

It's lined up.

You haven't given up.

No, no, not.

Doing this stuff and you had it down here.

I'd be like, oh, Paulie,

I might

have to jump on a Delta flight.

Yeah, yeah.

It's things, hey, it's been rough for me.

What are you going to do?

All right.

I'm going to have fun this week, and I'm just going to throw one out there.

After talking you out of that Lions and Chiefs game, I'm going to take the Chiefs.

I actually think that they're going to win this game.

I think a lot of people don't think they're going to.

And, you know, as much as I have overly hated on that team and not given them their respect, they are fucking champions.

And I don't think that they're going to go out like this.

And the Lions, unlike the Chiefs, have not been there.

These guys have.

They've come back time and time again.

And I just think,

you know,

I think that not only are they going to cover, I think they're going to outright win this game.

Wow.

All right.

Well, listen, I like the reasoning.

And listen, they can't.

Oh, when you put on a shiny jacket, you start to think you know things.

They kind of have to, right?

They can't go two and, what are they, two and three?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm going to go on a limb and say that this is a must-win game.

I would say, yeah, not for the Chiefs, but close.

You know?

Paul, the season, you know, it goes by fast, Paul.

Andy Reid, Andy Reid.

If it wasn't for Andy Reid, if they had some other schleppener, I go, oh, this is the Andy Reid's great.

When was the last time they had that many great coaches in one division?

I don't think they're ever.

Andy Reed, Pete Carroll, Jim Harbaugh.

And Sean Pay.

Because, like, when I go back to when I was a kid, like, Don Schuler was the legend in the AFC East.

Chuck Knoll was the legend in the Central.

There was like one guy.

But you have three.

Three of them won a Super Bowl, and all four of them went to a Super Bowl, yeah,

which is pretty nuts.

Sean Payton's the fourth guy.

Oh, Sean Payton, I forgot Sean Payton.

Yeah, Sean Payton won.

Yeah, he won a Super Bowl.

I mean, that's the, I'll tell you, Paul, that's the division you don't want to play.

I'm just keep using that cliche.

It sounds good.

I like the must-win cliche.

My thing is, I like everybody says, hey, both things can be true.

That's another one.

That one's been going around like fucking COVID.

Everybody.

Do next time.

You get into it yelling at another modus.

You're a fucking asshole.

You fucking cut me up.

Hey, man.

Both things can be true.

I think we're both the asshole.

Oh, Paul, Monday night special.

We came so we were right there.

Dude, we had him run one.

We had him throw one.

We had it right there.

And it was the Chiefs, Paul.

When do they lose a game like that in recent history?

No.

Never.

Mahomes throws a pick six.

I don't think I've seen that happen before.

Only because we bet it.

Dude, he threw 99 yards.

That reminds me when Peyton Manning threw that pick six against the Saints.

Like you're just sitting there like, I can't believe that just happened.

I remember that game.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's a big one, man.

All right.

So Bill has the Dolphins, Patriots, Cowboys, and Chiefs.

I have the Jaguars, Bucs, Bills, and Commanders.

Let's do the Monday night special.

Monday night special is the Bears at the Commanders.

I mean, I love the Commanders' money line.

Paul, you didn't let me sing my song.

Oh, sorry.

Let the Monday Night Special

win some money for you.

Let the Monday Night Special

win some motherfucking money for you.

We've won it twice this year.

Yep, we're two out of five.

We went back to back first time ever.

Maybe that first season, the first season, Paul, when there was no three-point line, we were fucking draining them.

I think we hit four or five that year.

We're going to beat it this year, though.

Okay.

Let's take it.

Starts with the victory this week.

So it's the Bears Commanders, Paul.

If our listeners remember from a few minutes ago, you took the Commanders because Justin Field is back.

Bears coming off two-week vacation, you know?

No, Justin Fields is with the Jets.

Justin Field.

All right.

Shannon Briggs is back with the Commanders.

Jaden Daniels.

Jaden.

Dude, I can't, you know, these new names.

Jaden Daniels.

You know what happened?

Was Jason became Jaden.

Brian became Bryce.

Like, I can't, I can't fucking, my old brain, I just can't do it.

Let's do.

How about more Daniel Jones?

That's an easy one to remember.

Joe Flacco.

I used to do a joke that that's the name you give to the cops when you don't want to give you a real name.

What's your name?

Joe.

Joe what?

Uh,

Flacco.

What was Keanu Reeves's name in the movie, uh, The Replacements?

Oh, he had to forget one thing.

Uh, Flacco.

Uh, um,

whatever, it was like that.

It was like McFlurry.

He was scraping the shells off of the bottom of boats, and then they showed up and asked him to play

that.

There was ever a quarterback named Mike McFurry,

he threw a two-yard pass

in the the city of New York, like the level of press that that guy would get.

Shane Flacco

was

Leono Reeves.

So it was or Falco.

It was Falco.

Joe Flacco and then Falco.

You know what I would do if I was if I was managing him?

He would do a podcast.

It would be called Flacco Tuesdays.

Instead of Taco Tuesdays.

Flacco Tuesdays.

And he would break down the game after Monday night.

Ooh, I like that.

I'm just thinking about his after his career.

He's 40 years old.

Gotta look out for him.

Yeah.

He's still wearing K-Swiss cleats.

All right, we're wasting time here.

What do you got, Paulie?

British Knights.

Remember those?

Kangaroos.

Fucking kangaroos.

All right.

I think the commander's money line at home on Monday nights are definite.

I think.

Don't.

Yeah.

I was with you until you said, I think.

Doing that, Versey, shaking the head thing.

Bill, I'm fragile right now.

Come on, Paul.

All right.

You got to forget about her.

All right.

You full fucking Versey.

That's right.

Do a shot.

Go up there.

Talk to some broads.

Come on, man.

Get back in the game.

Yeah.

Your ex, you see your ex show up to the dance with someone else.

You're just kind of.

Commander's Money Line with some confidence.

Commander's Money Line.

What do you think, Jake?

You always throw one in for us.

What do you like?

I like that Commander's Moneyline play.

Hmm.

I thought.

Throw one to Art Monk.

I think we're going to see some offense in this game.

So I'd look for

some any-time touchdowns.

The Commanders have this running back.

Krosky Marrett is really good.

Jane Daniels to run one in is also probably a good choice.

Those are the kind of plays I look for.

The running back?

It's a complicated name, but it's Krosky Moret.

Crosky.

Yeah.

He killed the Chargers last week.

I think he had like 120 yards.

He's a real deal.

Andrew Semlis, Andrew Semlis just wrote, add Bill's money line and a touchdown from each quarterback.

Are we allowed to, are we double dipping in these Monday night games?

So if there's two Monday night games, we could do that.

Bill's money line, I love.

Commander's money line, I love.

I mean, John Downer throw

it and then we'll and then we'll do each quarterback anytime touchdown.

I mean,

I can't disagree with that.

Um, that's a four-legger, so it'll be nice odds.

Josh Allen's gonna get a touchdown, Jaden Dan's gonna get a touchdown, and both of those teams are gonna win.

I love it, yeah,

and you know that you're on equal footing on this podcast, so I hope when you say you can't disagree with that, there's like some sort of power structure here that you're talking to.

You're telling people the real deal.

I actually do agree, not because I'm physically unable to agree, to disagree, but because it seems like a smart plan, Jake, why this whole season, you come, you come back, you look like you just came back from Cabo or some shit.

I know, I'm messing with the lights.

I tried putting a lamp, and no, I like it, I like it.

You got you look at you look better than me.

I'm as white as the stripe on this fucking coat.

I'm a little tanner, yeah.

That's a killer coat, though, Bill.

That's a killer coat.

That's a really cool jacket, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Pat Patriot, dude.

This is this is my 5 and 11 back in the day.

All the NFL old school jackets and just

uniforms in general are just so cool.

Tampa and Seattle were both wearing their throwbacks yesterday.

And it's just like

so awesome.

I was retelling this story about one time I was doing this gig in Boston back at the Wilbur.

And I was working with Joe DeRosa, right?

And a bunch of my old high school drinking buddies came out and we were getting after it after.

so all of a sudden de rosa comes up you know he gets his face like this and he goes uh one of my buddies he was talking about one of my buddies he just goes

he goes he goes hey man he goes well what's going on i'm not gonna say my buddy's name but he goes what's going on with so-and-so he goes you know he was he was like talking and chopping it up and everything and all of a sudden you know he just he just stopped talking to me i was just like i don't know man he's probably hammer don't worry about it he goes all right he just walks away and like 20 minutes later that same dude he was talking about comes up to me and he goes he goes what's up with your boy

And I go, What?

What's the matter?

He goes, Well, I was going to buy a round of drinks.

I asked him what he wanted.

He goes, dude, the kid ordered a white Russian

and walked away.

Like, that was it.

He rode him off

because he ordered a white Russian.

Oh, that's fucking, dude.

That's all it takes, dude.

That's all it takes.

That is the most New England thing I've ever heard.

That's the best.

No, dude, he might as well have said he married a man.

Dude, what's up with your boy, kid?

We're like, what?

What's up with your boy?

What's up with your boy?

Dude, that sounds like a

what he wanted to drink.

The kid ordered a white Russian.

And then he heard me and he goes like this.

He goes,

he approached it.

Like, he was judging me that I was hanging out with him.

He approached it like, dude, what's up with your boy, dude?

He talked to my girl.

That's how he said that.

Like, dude, you don't talk to my girl like that.

Dude, it was like Henry Hill.

That's how fast it happens.

One minute, you're in the crew.

Next thing you know, you order the wrong drink and it's over.

Dude, it was

over.

Dagger.

Didn't talk to him again.

Didn't talk to him.

Oh, my God.

But that was when I had been gone away from Boston long enough to be like, to actually objectively look at it and be like, there's really something wrong with us.

But we're still fucking funny.

All right.

What do we got now?

I think that's it, dude.

I got to go work on a script here.

Yes.

those are our picks, everybody.

Download the app.

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I want to thank everybody that came out to see me in Sacramento, San Francisco.

On the 16th of October, I will be in Buffalo.

I think I'm moving a Toronto date.

I don't know, but I'll be there.

Go to paulverzi.com for all of of my

all of my dates.

And

anything else we have?

Yeah, the listeners are going to want to know why a Yankee fan doesn't want to do stand-up in Toronto.

Don't make them say you're ducking them, Paul.

They need the reason.

Listen, they were the better team.

It sounded like we're at a press conference.

Paul, I somehow find them more annoying than you guys at this point.

I don't know when that happened.

They put up so many runs, dude.

They put up so many runs.

and then you know i don't know if this bothers me but when they're dumping champagne in our locker room they're playing new york new york i get it i they did that they blasted new york

dumb move that is a dumb

they blasted frankie sinatra while pouring champagne on their heads and i'm like all right you know what but don't think we don't listen i'm a true day after the yamal

by the way we have to talk about nick totoro can i just say one thing real quick paul yeah you i'm gonna state the obvious you guys are not

going to forget that and they are going to regret that yes yes they are going that is the stupidest thing

that was that was really dumb okay go ahead

if you think you are a fan you have to watch nick totoro's instagram there is nobody on this planet there is nobody on this planet who gives a fuck more about the yankees to the point where I was concerned for his health.

Dude, he was watching a game, his eyes were bugging out of his head, and he's going, what the fuck are we doing?

Dude, his son was videoing it, and I literally was like, that man needs to sit on the couch.

He, every game, I am on his Instagram.

Game 14 of the regular season, he's acting like game, he is a true give a fuck fan on a level that is hilarious and nuts and amazing all at the same time.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

he's he's the amount of Red Sox fans that follow that guy, it's it's it he transcends the Yankees.

It's just like this is what this is like

this is making me want to step up my game.

Actually, to be honest with you, at my age, I just did his show recently and he delivers a pizza to you.

And I literally said that to him: I go, dude, I am actually concerned about your health.

He goes, I know.

I go, no, in like a cardiovascular way.

Like, you can't, you can't be your age

and bringing the RPMs to 8,000.

You can't do that.

He did a video of him going to the airport for the two Yankee home games.

Like he was on the team traveling on the road.

He goes, All right, we got two games.

We got two games.

Like you see him go to his hotel.

You see him show up on the subway with the Yankee fans, sitting in the thing.

And then the next day, all right, we got that one.

One more.

Back on the subway.

And then flies home to California.

It's incredible.

It's incredible.

He's like,

if you, if you,

so many times you say, you know what, I'm a big fan, and then you run into a guy like that.

What I love about him, though, is it's not cartoony.

No.

You know what I mean?

It's not like, you know, paint your face and take your shirt off and trying to get on TV.

He just shows up with a Yankee hat and his, his, the jersey he's been wearing all, all year, spilling fucking pizza sauce and coke on and just shows up like, dude, like,

dude, when he's home he puts the jersey over nothing there's no undershirt so it's just the jersey over skin open with his chains out it's the greatest thing i've ever seen

no

he's no like literally he's such a big-hearted awesome guy too so i actually as much as i'm joking i do get concerned sometime But then like when he's yelling, though, he like makes, he makes sense.

Like he knows the, because you made some big trade earlier this year.

He uh,

and you guys blew a big lead that, you know, one of the

worst losses.

I remember he had one of them.

So he was just like going, like, when they're not getting it done, he was basically yelling that the Yankees traded for all these players.

And before the game, they already made the decision that they were putting them all in, no matter what was going on in the game.

And

every one of them, every fucking one of them.

Oh, yeah.

I think that was the one where A-Rod actually gave him props, going, this guy's making sense.

I remember the exact game.

Cashman made a trade for all of these guys to fill in these holes.

And the day they showed up, they all got in and they all took part in the loss.

And Nick couldn't handle it.

Oh, yeah.

No,

they put in like 12 pitchers, it felt like.

They just kept.

All right, he gave up a dinger.

Who's next?

Who's next?

But they played New York, New York, and

champagne.

I don't like that for them.

Oh, don't think that.

I'm going to say that that's going to age really, really, really badly.

I'm trying to think.

I know I've seen this before.

I'm just not thinking.

It wasn't when T.O.

ran and stood on the logo and pointed up.

It wasn't that.

It was something else where people just,

you don't,

you don't do that.

Like you just leave them deflated, leave them defeated, and just leave quietly.

The more quiet you leave, the more devastating it is.

Yeah, have respect for them.

Obviously, to come in here, to play the Yankees, you know, the most legendary franchise, da-da-da-da.

You just give them their flowers and then you leave.

And then when you're on the bus, you're like, hey, guys,

that's exactly right.

Start spreading the news.

Fuck them.

That's how you do it.

You sing it on the bus home or you sing it on the airplane home.

You don't do it at the stadium.

You don't do it at the stadium.

No, that was dumb.

How many songs do your bleacher fans already have?

I will tell you what, though, man.

Aaron Judge, dude, that ball he hit

100 miles an hour on his fucking wrist.

And the fact that he did that, man, was really, he's a great player, man.

He's Paul Bunyan.

Dude, he's...

Only, what, three players

with his stats, home runs?

He's a great guy, dude, too.

all right guys that's it um

look here's the deal yankees are out giants are bad the knicks are the best team in the east that's what i'm hanging my hat on you always got the knicks you know bill your patriots are coming around hey listen it happens you know hey you know what i don't know what the bruins bruins had their first game last night i got to watch it i taped the game i don't know what happened but uh you know

Yeah, we scored it.

You know, we were scoring like four goals a game, it seemed, during the preseason.

So we'll see.

I just,

you know, end of the day, Paul, I'm a hockey guy.

I love the Bruins.

Yeah.

I love them, and I still miss the Adams division.

Just sucks.

Bring back the Whalers.

Bring back the Odd, the Garden, the Forum.

I love those players.

Bring back the Quebec Nordiques.

Just give us something.

The Hartford Whalers, dude, that was a cool logo.

Yeah.

They're now the Carolina Hurricanes.

And the Nordiques are the Avalanche.

It's weird that, like, hockey.

They took the team,

and they named them after weather.

Yeah, and it's in the south, too, you know?

Like, avalanche isn't weather, but you know what I mean.

Lightning, hurricane, all that shit.

Um, all right, guys,

the misters, those are our picks.

This has been the show.

I can't believe we're done week six already.

This thing is flying Indian summers,

the micro bursts.

That's what you call a uh a minor minor league team.

All right, Paul.

Next week.

Flagstaff foliage.

What?

The foliage and the helmet.

It's a picture of a miserable dad

with his wife like fucking taking pictures on her iPhone.

Paul, next week, Paul, the hoodie's off.

The hat's on backwards.

The shades are on.

Oh, there you go.

Paul, he's coming back.

Got to come back.

All right, guys.

Enjoy football tonight, Eagles Giants, and Monday night special.

We will see you guys next week.

Take care.

All right, bye-bye.

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