Ohtani, Godfather Pt II, Cabbage | Monday Morning Podcast 10-20-25

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

October 20th, 2025. What's going on? How are you?

How's it going, man?

How's things out your way? Oh, really? Oh, dude, that's cool. I hear you.

It's Sunday evening,

and I shut off the football, and I am watching the Mariners Blue Jay game. It's now going to be, I believe, the bottom of the seventh

watching this game. I swear to God, it was like the Mariners weren't weren't ready to play.

They came out, they were like bobbling the ball all over the place.

They were fucking,

I don't know what they were doing. And then that kid, Yesavage, whatever the hell his name was, he was fucking dealing until he wasn't.

And then three innings in a row, two times I believe the bases were loaded. They got a double play.

Reminded me of old D. Lowe, Derek Lowe.
Could always get that

ground out if he needed it.

What did he throw? Did he throw a fucking sinker?

So, anyway, looks like they're going to force a game seven.

Which I don't know, probably maybe it'd be a better series. I don't know if the Blue Jays went against the Dodgers.
I have no idea, but I will tell you this.

I watched that game the other night, the clincher.

with the Dodgers and what Otani did like

is like stuff that hasn't happened in baseball, maybe since the early 1900s. And even then,

not even Babe Ruth did what he did. He pitched seven fucking innings, lit up two hits,

and had three home runs. One of them, I know you guys have seen this.
Jesus Christ. I mean, it went over the bleachers, it went over the roof and landed,

you know, by the concessions.

It's just

insane.

And if this kid keeps doing that,

he's got to be the greatest baseball player of all time.

I've never seen a guy simultaneously be like Reggie Jackson and Ron Guidry at the same time. It was...

I'm just going back to that 78 team

when Reggie hit the three home runs.

It's unbelievable.

And I don't know, I talked about this

earlier. I fucking, you got a fucking elbow pad on.
You're going to fucking sit there and make that face when you get hit. Yeah, nod your head.

Yeah, why don't you go up there wearing a fucking suit of armor?

You got to love this dude, Kirk, though, huh? Jesus Christ, look at him.

He looks like he's crouching, playing catcher. Even when he's standing up, you know he's a catcher.

And how about that dude on Seattle in Jayo Suarez? I fucking love that guy.

First of all, his fucking batting stance before

the pitcher is set. He's standing there.
He looks like he's waiting for a bus.

Like, you're looking at the guy like, dude, there's no way you're going to hit anything.

Get ready.

At the last second, he steps in.

Also,

has got to be

the most manscaped human being I've ever seen in my life.

I was joking with my buddy. I was like, I don't think the White House has better edges in their landscaping than on this guy's face.

Like,

he always looks like he just took his post-game shower.

Like, while playing a game and hitting grand slams and shit. He just looks.

He looks like he's ready to do like a shampoo, a cologne, or a fucking beard trimming commercial at all

at all times. Meanwhile, he's like, the guy fucking dove on the ground, stopped 116-mile-an-hour fucking ground ball, throws it over to first to end the inning.

Not a hair out of place.

I've never seen a guy who actually looks like a picture of himself in real life.

Like, you know, when you get your high school photo or whatever, your Instagram bullshit, that's the best you ever look. You hold the fucking camera.
This fucking guy, the entire. We get it, Bill.

We get it. All right.

Anyway,

I'm rooting for the Maris. It's not going to happen.
I knew in the first inning, it just wasn't their night.

That says a lot, you know, in baseball. It ain't over till it's over.
Well, I don't know. They're only down by three, and they got that guy out of there.

They're into their bullpen, but I don't fucking know. I don't know.
The mustache has made a big comeback, though. It's made a big comeback.
You know what?

These are the first mustaches I've seen since the 80s that I believe. There you go.
Fucking throw it away. Throw it away.
There you go. This fucking game's over.

Jesus. And everybody running around out on the bases with a fucking mitten on.

You know, I was actually talking to somebody about,

all I do is talk about sports. And I swear to God, every fucking one of these,

the best thing in all four sports right now, the major ones, is the pitch clock.

That's one of the few things that they've done to improve

the game. Because everything else has just been about fucking blowing the offense in every single sport.
And I just feel like they've abandoned their core fans.

They just couldn't accept the fact that they had reached maximum density with people who gave a fuck about their sports. So now everything has just become like a fucking,

I don't know what

NBA looks like a shoot around. Everybody's launching three-pointers.
The fucking NHL hockey, there's no hitting, there's no fighting anymore. You're sitting on the side of the ice.

You're fucking looking back and forth like you're watching tennis. They get rid of the red line.
No more two-line passes up and down the fucking ice. Why?

Because all these non-hockey watching assholes, they watch it once every four years during the Olympics, and they look at it and they go,

your way NHL hockey will go, I would watch every night. And the NHL believed them.

The NHL fucking believed them, and they never showed up.

If what? If it's a team loaded with the best fucking stars in the league, you'd watch every night? Why did they believe that? So now it's just

all finesse.

Once in a while, there's a good scrap or there's a good hit or something like that, but they just sort of, you know,

look at that guy. I mean, he's fucking,

sorry, they just, they just

cut to

an heyo.

Suarez.

Six to two. This fucking game's over.
Anyways, how about those fucking New England Patriots? Huh?

And how about the New York sports media bias where all you do is just shit on Boston teams the entire fucking time?

The entire time the fucking Patriots were dominating the league for two fucking decades.

What do they do? It's a boring team with no stars.

Tom Brady's a fucking system guy. Still go with Peyton.
And then the back half. Ah, they're a bunch of fucking cheating pieces of shit.

Then we suck for like seven years, right?

Can't get anything going. The whole fucking thing's over.
Now we're winning. We're way ahead of schedule.
And what do they say now? Well, they got the easiest schedule in the league.

It's like, all right, man.

All right. And then what are they doing meantime?

The bias for New York. New York has, what do they have, 85 professional teams that don't win it every year? How the fuck do they not win a championship every year?

Three hockey teams, three football teams, fucking two basketball teams, two baseball teams

in the state of New York.

They don't fucking win shit.

Anyway, sorry.

Sorry. I'm on one a little bit.
A little bit. Not too crazy.
Just

a little bit. I did notice watching the pats today

that there's somebody wearing Aaron Hernandez's old number now.

Austin Hooper. They brought it back in 81, which I believe was Russ Francis first.

Then Aaron Hernandez made it famous. Then he made it infamous.

So now Austin Hooper's got to carry the weight of that fucking number now.

By the way, Russ Francis.

Russ Francis was Tom Selleck before Tom Selleck.

He looked like that fucking guy from Matt Houston. You ever used to watch that show?

Let me educate you young young people on some shit.

Back in the day, you had, you know, if you were going to be a lead in a TV series as a PI, you had to have brown curly hair, a square jaw, and a fucking mustache.

And then you had to have some sort of cool car.

That was the formula.

Russ Francis looked like that guy and he was playing for the Patriots. So here's my question.
What if for some fucking weird reason, you know, because they always go, I know this would never happen.

Well, let's say new evidence shows

that Aaron Hernandez didn't do what they said he did.

You found out that he didn't do it. Now, what do you do with the number?

There's got to be some, there would have to be some sort of an apology. This is what the fuck I think about

when I watch sports now. Like I was watching the Cowboys.
I'm like, who the fuck's wearing Tony Dorcet's number?

Well, Tony Dorcet wore Dwayne Thomas's number. The Cowboys don't retire jerseys,

but they have the biggest bathroom in the league in their stadium.

And they're wondering why they're not winning Super Bowls.

It's like they're more proud of their plumbing than they are of their Hall of Fame players.

Sorry. Oh, my God.
This fucking Seattle pitcher was just deep in thought.

He was thinking about a past girlfriend there. There's no fucking way he was thinking about the game.
Jesus Christ, this guy has nine fucking names up at bat. Here comes the pitch.
Outside for ball.

Anyway, and then I've also been watching my Bruins. I'm loving that away jersey.
The Bruins away jersey looks like the home jersey from when I was growing up.

And all those great Bruins teams in the 1980s getting into fights would have blood on it and shit. It was just like,

was an insane thing. And I've been trying to find one of those jerseys for the longest time.

They don't make them. All they make is the dark one.

Even if you try to get one from the 80s.

I think I got a

Jay Miller and a Stan Jonathan. No, a Rick Middleton.
That's what I got.

Can you believe

I'm an adult?

But anyway, jump it all the way around.

This fucking commercial bugs me where this woman comes home from college, and there's a guy like my age wearing the 1980s shorts, which are totally plain with the stripe down the side and super short.

But he's listening to like 90s music. It's like that guy would not be listening to that shit.

He would be listening to

like in excess or something.

Note yourself, don't do podcast

when the TV's on.

By the way, yeah, that Otani shit that I was talking about, like, you know, they always talk about Ted Williams was the last guy to hit 400,

and, you know, Hank Greenberg or some guy like that had 190 RBIs.

If you're a nerd like me, if you go back and you look at those records, And you look at the progression of baseball and some of those gaudy numbers, like as far as like hitting 400 right

190 RBIs winning 30 games in a season like all of that shit I know they have five starters now instead of four but like once Jackie Robinson came in the league

and all of a sudden you know

you're opening it up

to not just the best white people you're opening it up to all races like nobody's Nobody's ever going to hit 400 again. I don't think.

No one's ever going to get 190 RBIs. If you look at people hitting, a bunch of people have hit 400.

Like, there's years in the late 1800s that, like, three guys did it in one year.

Then it becomes two guys would do it in one year. And then it became only one guy would do it.
And then there would be, like, a five-year gap, and someone would do it.

And then it became, once you get to the 1920s,

by then, think about then. By then, they had built like Yankee Stadium.
Like, that's how how big fucking baseball was.

And baseball at that point, I believe, surpassed, with Babe Ruth being on the Yankees, it surpassed horse racing and boxing

as the most popular sports. So now everybody's watching.
There's money to be made.

People are

gathering like data

on how to strike people out, how to get better at the game, and all of those fucking crazy things. They just, they all just,

they went away.

And, you know,

and there was a, there's a bunch of people from back then that could play in the league, but it's maybe the top two pitchers in the rotation, those last three guys,

those last three guys, you know,

they wouldn't be there.

Bill, we get the point. Yeah, so that's what I'm saying.

So to watch, oh, all of these years, like whenever I would tease Yankee fans about Babe Ruth, going like, dude, he played in a fucking beer league.

You're telling me a guy could win the Cy Young award and also hit 700 home runs?

That's fucking ridiculous. That's fucking ridiculous.
And then Otani comes along and it's just like, okay, maybe it isn't. Maybe it isn't.

Anyway.

Yeah, I don't see anybody knocking those guys off for a fucking while. That guy is so good, they don't even talk about Mookie Bets anymore.

Anyway, so my Patriots look good as much as everybody. Oh, you're good at fucking easy schedule.
Just is it our fault that

the Jets and the Dolphins are like,

I don't know what happened to the Dolphins? They were like turning a corner and then they just nosedive.

I guess their only win this year is against the Jets.

I got a weird feeling the Jets will beat us once because we beat the Buffalo Bills.

When the Jets win, this is my prediction. When the Jets fucking win, how the fuck is Scherzer still playing? I fucking love that guy.

When

the Jets win a game, it's going to be against a division rival.

By the way, what'd I tell you guys about that Thursday night game? Did you win some money?

What'd I tell you? Division rivalry. Thursday night game.
As long as nobody had a bye week, they're both coming in on four days' rest. You take the underdog and the points.
Three weeks in a row.

I've been doing that.

Bang,

bang.

A bang.

It's a fucking lock, dude. And I'm going to tell you guys this.
The next week you're going to bet it and you're going to fucking lose. That's how gambling works.

I do like when you see these commercials for gambling and everybody's winning, like everybody in the bar is jumping up and down winning.

oh look at that hair oh look at him

um

like a show pony hey wait a minute didn't the blue jays used to have a fucking guy they had a fucking guy like that

the fuck he played like shortstop or something

He was like Andre Agassi if he didn't go bald.

Anyway, what the fuck was I just talking about?

Oh, by the way, I just took like a little, you know, my kids were off,

you know, this past week. And

I fucking learned a lot about myself this weekend.

Like, I knew,

I knew I was an asshole, right? But like, I didn't realize.

Like, my inability to have fucking a conversation with most people is fucking

You know, it's borderline embarrassing

You know, my wife finally talked to me about it. She's like Bill, you like fucking

everybody sitting down talking and then you just say something non-sequitur.

So I was like, what are you talking about? I don't do that.

You know?

She just kind of fucking,

you know,

gave it to me straight, you know, like Steve Martin talking to John Candy. I just saw that documentary, by the way.

I got to use that speech. Okay, good.

Go ahead, give it to me, you know? I'm an easy target.

But

you know how in the movie, like John Candy was right and Steve Martin was wrong. In real life, in my relationships, Steve Martin is right and John Candy is wrong.

Because I realized, I was like, wait, I really do that.

What happens is somebody's talking and they say something and it makes me think of something. And then I just go on this fucking ride in my head for a minute, two minutes.

And then when I start talking again,

I'm talking about whatever the fuck I just went on the ride on for like two minutes, and no one has any idea what I'm talking about.

And it just derails

whatever they were talking about.

So I don't know why I do that, but I just don't see it my age

fixing that.

So, my new move,

what I mean, I'm talking about like group situations, you know, couple, whatever, some sort of like married, like

people,

social fucking situation.

My new thing, I just shut the fuck up, which I know it's probably hard for you guys to believe, but I do.

I just go, like, I just sit there and I go, you know, I think I'm going to say it. No, don't say that.

So, yeah.

Everybody was talking,

you know, normally.

And out of nowhere, I had remembered that

Nia had sent me a song, song, and the rhythm and the key of the song was the exact same

as this punk band. It was like this fusion, jazz fusion song.

And it had the exact same rhythm as this. I don't want to say this because then it starts some bullshit that somebody stole from somebody.
It was just one of those parallel thought things.

And

for whatever reason, I don't even know what people were talking about. I just out of nowhere say, hey, you guys, you guys, you guys, just listen to the first five seconds of each of these songs.

And I played it, and everybody's looking at me. I go,

that fucking wild.

They're all looking at me like, what the fuck is

the fuck are you talking about?

Like, where did that even come from?

And it's like, I know where it came from. I'm not listening to any of you.

Don't you understand?

You're not talking about sports.

That's it.

If you're not talking about sports,

music,

or the apocalypse, like I really have a difficult time hanging in there.

I'm limited.

I am a limited conversationalist.

You know, like a basketball player can't go to his left? Yeah, that's me in conversation. I can't

fucking stay on topic.

And, you know, I argued with my wife when she said,

you know, what she was saying about me. And then

it was fresh in my head. And then when I did it, I just went up to her.
I was like, you know what? You're right.

She's like, what are you talking about? As always, what are you talking about? Because Because that's what I said. I didn't walk up to her and say, Hey, you know, I thought about what you said,

and I realized, you know, there's a lot of truth in it.

You know, and repeating what she said, I didn't. I thought all of that in my head, and I just walked up to her and I was like, You know what? You were right.

She's like, What the fuck? What are you talking about? I don't know about this, what I'm doing right now.

What I'm doing right now.

You're right. See, And now you know why.
I do a podcast by myself. There you go.

There you fucking go.

There you go.

That's something you yell as a dad.

Watching your kids play sports. There you go.
That's when I pay attention.

I can stay on topic at a kid's sporting event. Talking to other parents.
100% I can stay on topic.

You know, how old are your kids? What are they doing? Oh, is that your kid? Oh, yeah, he's great. He's great.
I'm telling you, no, no, no. He had a nice pass, blah, blah, blah, all that shit.

I can do all of that.

I can do all of that.

By the way, on Fox Sports, they got a guy who looks like he's in the fucking

three-musketeer movie, but he's wearing a suit. I have no idea who he is, but the sound was down.

And I was watching him. I'm like, this guy's talking most of the time on this show.

and I was like, I wonder if the woman in his life says the same thing.

Oh, shit.

Anyway,

I re-watched The Godfather Part 2.

And I'm going to say, out of all of the movies that

is of that style,

that is clearly the greatest one ever made.

Any sort of gangster movie, any mob movie,

any fucking dirty cop type of fucking whatever,

that is

the benchmark.

Like, by the end of Godfather 2,

like, Michael is a fucking sociopath.

Now, if you've never seen it, you know, I get it. It's a 50-year-old movie.
You guys are young, maybe you haven't seen it.

Just shut off the podcast now because I don't want to fucking ruin this for you. But for those of you who have seen it,

okay, every time I watch it, I have a new favorite thing. This time, my favorite thing was when Robert De Niro

is,

you know, playing young Vito Corleone

and he is in,

you know, that he's fighting he just came into power and that woman was whining about her rent you know she had the dog and they're gonna kick her out and he goes all right you know and he's doing the the Marlon Brando like raspy voice thing

you know I'll go have a talk with him right and he runs into the landlord in the street and the guy has no idea

who Vito is because he's early in his power He's telling the guy do me a favor

says all this thing and then the landlord looks at Vito and goes who the fuck fuck are you coming up talking to me like this?

He goes, I should kick your ass in the street right here and now.

And he never gets mad. He never gets mad.
He just keeps smiling and he goes, no, no, you know, ask around, ask around. You know, you do this favor for me.
I'm going to do this.

Ask people around

who I am, blah, blah, blah. And the guy's like, get the fuck away from me, right?

And of course, the landlord finds out who he is, and then he comes in, hat in hand,

and he never says anything. The guy goes,

you know, I'm not going to evict your. And here's your money back.
Your money, you know, that you gave me. It's good.
It's all good. And he just sits there smiling at him.

The guy goes, I'll lower it by

$5 a month.

And he still just stares at him. And then the guy goes all the way down to $10 a month.
He's fumbling with the door, trying to fucking get out of there. And he never said anything.

It was like one of the greatest displays of not only power, but knowing you had power.

And

how much in command he was of his emotions. And then you tie that in with the whole story

of how, like,

Sonny was a hothead,

you know, just like a street guy. He kind of knew he was going to die in some sort of gun battle.
He was, like, super fucking emotional. Fredo had pneumonia as a kid, made him dim-witted.

So that left Michael.

And he didn't want, he didn't want it for him.

But he was like, odd man out. And then you look at it.

Michael has control of his emotions

like his dad, but he turns into a, I think, because he didn't want the. I don't know what the fuck happened with the guy.

But a lot of people trash Godfather 3. They had to make Godfather 3.
They had to, so he could yell, Fredo. You know, you could show that he actually

cared.

Here's another thing. I don't get how the fuck do you whack your own fucking brother, right?

But like your ex-wife

who killed your kid,

I mean, I don't know. I don't know about that one.

That's another, that is another favorite moment of mine when

he closes the door on Diane Keaton in the end. And right after the door slams, you just hear her on the other side go,

that heartbreak.

And you know it had nothing to do with him because she said, I don't have any love for you anymore. So that is her heartbreak

for,

you know,

he's got the kids. She doesn't get to see him that often.

Ugh.

You and I are part of the same hypocrisy. I mean, it's just the fucking greatest movie.
Greatest movie of fucking all time. And then they got some killer cars in there.

That Chrysler limousine.

I think when they're in Cuba, when Michael's riding in that. Oh my God.
And then what's his face? I just forgot his fucking name. The guy,

they try to whack him and he thinks it was Michael, so now he's going to testify on him. Then they bring his brother in from Sicily.

And then when he just fucking bails on the whole thing,

he just goes, oh, you know, they say, oh, Michael Corley only did this.

Michael Corley only did that.

So I'm like, whatever. Sure, sure, you know.

That guy was actually a big-time director, believe it or not. I guess he directed movies, and that was one of his only acting roles he ever did.
And he won a fucking Oscar, and he deserved it.

It was incredible.

Fucking incredible. All right, that's it with that.

Let's get, let's,

let's do some reads here for this week. Oh, Mizzen and Maine, everybody.

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Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani.

My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu. I promise you're going to laugh.

I am an immigrant.

Are there any other immigrants here?

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Terms apply.

Okay, Robinhood.

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Locking in on every opening. Jesus, Bill.
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all right let's get to the goddamn reads

the goddamn reads for the week here

All right, what does this say? Cabbage conundrum.

Hi, Bill. I'm a female listener.
Oh my God, I have one. How are you, sweetheart?

I'm a female listener, and I'm stuck in an endless cabbage gift exchange with a distant acquaintance.

I have no idea what that sentence means. Cabbage gift exchange cabbage like your head

two beans to the cabbage Is that what it is?

A while back at a holiday party, I mentioned to my boyfriend's mom,

I mentioned to my boyfriend's mom's pickleball partner.

My boyfriend's mom's pickleball partner. Oh my god, is she in a sad part of her life? Divorced, dating somebody that plays pickleball.
Is that still a thing?

For people who like ping pong but don't have the balls to play tennis, we give you pickleball

Oh God

That was one of the stupidest homophobic things when I was a kid they would call gay people pickle sniffers

Around my my way. Oh dude, he's a fucking pickle sniffer.
And I always think what the fuck does that even mean?

No one sniffs pickles to begin with. I know a dick's in the shape of a pickle.
It's just, it doesn't, none of it made sense. So much of it.

Aside from the obvious.

The homophobia. But other than that, I mean, Jesus Christ.

All right.

There he is. And Heyo Suarez.
Look at him. Just waiting for a bus and swinging a mist.

At least his pants are dirty. Let me know that he's human.
All right. A while back at a holiday party, I mentioned to my boyfriend's mom's pickleball partner that I like kimchi.

A month later,

she gave my boyfriend's family. Whoa, she! Oh, I see what happened.

I see what happened. Oh, I saw what happened there.

I saw what happened there. A month later, she gave my boyfriend's family homemade kimchi

to give to me.

Oh, it's just her pickleball partner. I'm so dumb.
Everybody says my partner now, so I thought that that was her lover. That's just her friend.

All right, she's not gay, everybody. I thought she was.

It was the pickleball that threw me off.

I am so in the fucking weeds with this story right now. I don't even know what's going on.
All right, thinking it would be nice to ret okay, so she gives you some kimchi.

Thinking it would be nice to return cabbage with cabbage, I made her a Polish recipe for stuffed cabbage called.

Was it Golabki?

I'm not going to lie to you. I would eat the hell out of that.

I mean, just my background, I'll eat cabbage. And then, if you're going to stuff it with some Polish, whatever the fuck you're going to stuff it with,

oh, God, here we go again with the sausage.

I thought

I thought that she would be, that would be the end of it. Okay, so they both exchanged.
Kimchi's for Golabki.

She thought they were all squared up. She goes, I thought that that would be the end of it, but she recently gifted me Kimchi again.

She's really competitive.

And the one time we played pickleball together, she really scared me.

Dude, I don't know who this woman is, but I want to see her in like a Netflix Netflix series. This is like fucking

She's so competitive. It's like, no, I'm giving you fucking food last.

Anyways, if

it feels she expects more cabbage for cabbage,

should I make her stuff cabbage again? Is this my life now? Am I stuck in an endless cabbage cycle? Or is there a way to break out of it without causing drama? Thanks.

Yeah, just don't make her any more cabbage. There's not a fucking person on earth that would say out loud.

I gave her some kimchi, and then she gave me cabbage back, and then I gave her more kimchi, and I never got any more cabbage.

Like, just try saying that to somebody, and they're just going to sit there staring at your face like there's more to the story.

And when you go, no, that's it, I'm done.

The listener is going to be like, why did you just do that to me?

Life is precious and it's short. Why did you just take that moment from me with that stupid ass fucking story?

Listen, first of all, she seems like she's kind of a dick.

You know, if she's taking pickleball that seriously,

I don't know. And then also, like,

if you saw her be a psycho during pickleball, what are you shooting the shit with her?

Telling her that you liked Kimchi? Did she intimidate you that much? Was that some sort of psychological game

so you could beat her next time?

So she wouldn't fucking overhand smash the fucking ball at you? Is there a net in the game?

I keep feeling like they play up against the wall. They don't, do they? They play with each other, yeah.

Were you trying to like get her in the head?

Thinking she'd be like, wow, you know, I can't smash the ball at her. She gave me some cabbage.

You want to get out of it? Here's how you get out of it. Not only do you not give her cabbage, just say, you know what?

I just feel like my cabbage, you know, my Polish cabbage here is fucking

just head and shoulders above your kimchi.

You know what I mean? This isn't like an even exchange.

What else you got?

Korean barbecue? How about that? Kim Chi's not your thing, sweetheart. How about

can you do barbecue?

Who knows? You play your cards right? I'll bring you some kibbafa.

Yeah, I like

that like I wouldn't mind like

this no this is just your mom's friend, right?

I don't understand. I'd be honest with you.
I don't even understand why she's in your fucking life. How close are you with your mom that you know who her friends are?

You know, I don't want to be a dick here,

but

you kind of created this situation. You already played pickleball.
You knew she was an asshole.

The fuck are you telling her that you like Kimchi for?

She showed you who she was out on the goddamn pickleball court.

If I know anything about pickleball, is whatever you do out there, that's who you are as a person.

Yeah, just I'm fucking with you. Just don't make her any more cabbage.

This is what you do.

Whatever container she gave you the kimchi in, just only eat half of it and give it back to her

half full.

And never break eye contact.

And when she looks down and sees that it's still half full, and then she looks at you,

don't break eye contact and just slowly shake your head back and forth.

And then you point at the chimchi

and you lean forward

and you whisper in her ear. You just go,

garbage.

And you are

you are out of it. Oh, that's it.
Toronto wins 6-2.

God damn it.

Now, where does this

where does this go? Does this stay?

Is this 2-3-2?

Do they go back to Seattle? I don't know.

I don't know. Congratulations to the Blue Jays.

You know what? You know what?

I'm still rooting for the Mariners, but

what if the Blue Jays beat the fucking Dodgers? That would be insane.

You could have bet that today, them winning, it was plus 900.

Throw 100 bucks on that. You win 90 grand? Is that how it works? I don't know.

All right, touch of grass and other stupid sayings.

I didn't even know that was a saying. Touch of grass? I remember Touch of Gray.

Stupid, Grateful Dead song.

Oh my God. I didn't think that summer was ever going to end when that fucking song came out.
And there were all these burnouts I was working with

in this warehouse that fucking smoked weed.

They couldn't get enough of it. We will get by.
Be doo-doo, boo-doo-boo-doo.

All right, touch of grass and other stupid sayings. A Billy McBurr, as a fellow Ginja,

I feel like you can appreciate the reference there.

Touch of grass.

I don't know what that means.

Does anyone even use the word oh, oh, Billy McBurr. Does anybody even use the word Mick anymore? Is it even a slur?

I digress.

Well, yeah, if it has fucking in front of it,

somebody says to me, you fucking Mick, yeah, I mean, yeah, no, it's not, that's not cool.

It's a stupid insult, but it's the intention.

It's the intention behind it.

Anyway, all right, let's plow ahead here. Guy says, anyway, big fan of your podcast.
I listen weekly and love what you say about society and dumb people on the internet.

Oh my God, I read something fucking terrifying today. Do you know back in the day,

there was like

what the fuck was the number? For every like

100,000 citizens, right, people,

there was like 40 reporters. That was like in 2002 or 2003.
It's now down to like 8.2

journalists per 100,000 people.

And uh,

that is not a good thing that is not a good fucking thing

um no matter where you stand on anything um

this person says on that note i know you've recently complained about the stupid shit people say on social media with things like i said what i said and if you know you know

um i've got another one

for you that drives me up the wall. It's when people yell at someone

to go touch grass

I've never heard that that's what everyone says now and I feel like it's lost any use it once had I know what it means go touch grass

I can't

that person says I get the meaning behind it oh

oh that's take a walk to go for a walk go jump in a lake

Which, by the way, I did that this weekend. I jumped in a lake.
It's fucking invigorating. So I don't understand what anybody has a problem with,

you know?

I also tell you what's dumb: people have an ice bath and they have a fucking pool. Just get in the pool.

Or at least in the wintertime, you don't need an ice bath. Just get in your fucking pool.
You'll be fine.

Does people even do that anymore? I feel like everybody who was doing it is still doing it. And everybody else, it's like, ah, ah

man fucking over that I'm over that shit

I remember when I had a sciatic nerve issue they fucking somebody told me to go to this this place where it's super cold and you just stand in the you stand in like it's like a reverse sauna and rather than being super hot it was super cold and just sat in there freezing my fucking ass off

And then I came out and I still had a sciatic nerve issue. Then I went to a masseuse and she fixed it.

Gonna fix your sciatic nerve by walking into a cold closet.

Anyway.

Anyways,

sorry, I'm all over the place.

The guy says, I get the meaning behind it, to go for a walk. But imagine how online you have to be to even understand that it means to step outside and go get some fresh air.

And the funny thing is, when someone says to go touch grass, I'll sometimes go to their profile and that same

those same fucking people are the ones who look like they've been tweeting or posting 20 goddamn hours a day. Oh yeah, 100%.

Yeah, I've been off Instagram. I mean, I still

got to post shit every once in a while, but as far as death scrolling, I have not done that on Instagram since the beginning of September.

And with all that bullshit a couple weeks ago, I'm glad I was off it

I would be willing to bet that these same fucking people are just sitting there day to day subscribe to nine different streaming services so they can watch all their god-awful reality TV show drama and to lecture the rest of us about how necessary it is that we all understand how important these people are I spend maybe 20 minutes a day actually looking at social media now and the rest of the time doing actual work.

I sort of transitioned from social media to just playing games on my phone. So now I got to get rid of that.
I play Jinrummy. I do this word search game.

I do those water tube things where you try to get all the colors in the tubes.

And I do Duolingo. That's sort of my shit.

I do love Jinrummy. I don't know why.
It's just a fun fucking game.

so uh, what are we? I'm a freelance sports writer who still subscribes to print journalism and enjoys the feeling of an actual newspaper in my hand. Something these cunts will never know.
P.S.

I'm using cunts to describe people of any gender since apparently gender identity is also a thing now.

Yeah, oh, yeah, that's that's been a thing, buddy. That has been a thing.
I actually, uh, this weekend,

um,

where the hell was I?

Oh, or no, last week, not this weekend, this past week.

I was staying somewhere with my lovely wife, and every morning I would have a cup of coffee and I would read the New York Times, like the front section. And oh, the fucking liberal paper.

I don't give a fuck. Just to not be like

staring at

staring at my phone.

I got to do something about it because I am like wildly addicted to my phone to the point that, like, yeah, I get off Instagram and then I'm just become addicted to something else.

It's powerful. These things are fucking

powerful.

Like, think about it. Like, you don't even, even in your house, you won't leave the room without your phone right there.

For what? Fear of what?

Every once in a while, I'll just leave it upstairs. And I got to do that

way more often.

Anyway,

here's the post-game. Jesus, look at that murderous row.

A-Rod Ortiz and fucking Derek Jeter.

All right.

Next one. Voice recognition.

Oh, dude, I was talking to myself today in this rental car. And all of a sudden, on the fucking...

It was a Chevy Suburban, by the way. 28-gallon tank.
I learned that, right?

I'm fucking yammering to myself, bitching about something, arguing with somebody in my fucking head, but I'm doing it out loud in the truck. And all of a sudden, on the GPS screen,

it just typed out, can I help you with that?

And I was just like,

You want to help me? Stop fucking listening to me.

Mind your business. I literally said this to a truck.

I mean, what, where the fuck are we going?

The shit that we focus on is just, it's amazing. It's amazing.
What we're focused on.

Voice recognition.

Dear Billy, I recently opened an account with the credit union. I had purchased some plane tickets for an upcoming trip.

That same day, I tried to transfer money to another account, but it declined because the plane tickets plus the amount I was trying to transfer exceeded the limit for the day for the debit card.

I called the credit union to ask about it since it was a new account. The lady on the phone asked for normal info to verify my account.
Totally normal until the end of the conversation.

How about the fact that that's allegedly your money and they're telling you how much you can use per day? It's like, I can fucking use all of it. It's mine.
I thought you were just watching it.

They're like, no, we loaned out two and a half times what you fucking put in here. It's not here.
It's already gone.

I called the credit unit to ask about it. It says, blah, blah, blah.
Totally normal conversation. Totally normal until the end of the conversation.

She said something like, for future voice verification, I need you you to speak some more. Will you please re-verify your address?

I hesitated and instantly thought of you and the fingerprint at the airport stuff.

I felt that I didn't quite have a choice, and she made it sound legit, describing how it's for their security purposes for the next time I call or in case someone tries to call on my behalf, they'd be able to tell.

Now, they have software to sound just like you. It's bullshit.
What they're doing is

they're going to sell that information of your face,

your account, your Social Security, I mean, now with the voice.

And they're going to share it with whoever wants it. And eventually what's going to happen is it's going to get to the fucking lizard people at the top.

who are pointing their fingers telling you to look at these people look at the look at the immigrants look at the russians look at the fucking this, look at that, and it's them.

So, what's going to happen is

when they take you out

and your robot replacement shows up, it has to sound like you.

So, that's what you just did.

Like, somewhere laying on a gurney

is your robot replacement. It just sounds like a robot right now.

I am going to be Mike, right? But they need needed to sound like you

you should have just changed your accent can you just speak oh shit I live on fucking 4598 fucking Maple Street

is it to verify verify fucking what

you fucking cunts what you guys did in 2008

I'm supposed to be believing in you and you're worried about my security. You don't give a fuck.

Anyway,

he said I had to repeat my address so it would be recorded for their files. Just thought you'd find this pertinent.
Curious to know your thoughts. We just heard him.
Huge fan of everything you do.

I have a long drive to work and I look forward to your podcast. Well, that's what the fuck I do it for.
That is my job. My job is to make people laugh.
All right? That's what the fuck I do.

My job is not to be involved in whatever silliness,

whatever the fuck that shit was.

Back a fucking little bit back.

I love people that grow a beard, they can't grow a beard.

You know what I mean?

Just reminds you every day to try.

Sorry, I'm just looking at this post-game shit.

Alright, that's the podcast, everybody.

Oh, Billy Freckles has got to go for a walk. I got to go touch grass.

Get my fucking cholesterol

down, evidently.

Is that A-Rod's real? Look at this. He what a fucking head of hair.
He's got a great head of hair.

Dude, he literally looks like what they say after you get a hair system, you're gonna look like.

Anyway.

I would love to hear what those guys talk about in between in commercials and shit. Like all the fucking games, all the great games, all this shit.

Going up against each other and all of that stuff. That must be incredible.
Anyway, that's the podcast, everybody.

I think the Bruins lost again tonight. Started off 3-0.

What was it? 1-1 when I shut it off against the fucking Utah mammoth.

Oh, brother. Are they going to have to to hire two people to be that fucking mascot to come running out you know like the old days of fucking vaudeville um

i got a fucking finally i've been to a home game of every professional team except for the seattle kraken the utah mammoth

and the for whatever reason the carolina hurricanes that they've just never been in town um i gotta knock those out

But then if I do, then then what?

This is like shit I think about when other people are talking.

All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.
I will check in on you on Thursday.

Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.
I promise you're gonna laugh. I am an immigrant.

Are there any other immigrants here?

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

My thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.
Terms apply.