Unsavory Characters, Chaperoning, 'They' | Thursday Afternoon Podcast 10-23-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon podcast. Friday afternoon, ah, what the fuck? Ah, Jesus Christ.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Month Morning Podcast.
And I'm checking in on you.

Wow.

Sorry, my brain.

My brain, man, it's been fucking all over the place, man.

Anyways, what's going on? What are you doing? Yeah.

you doing good.

Um

all right, what are we gonna talk about? Let's talk about let's talk about let's talk about sports, baby. Let's talk about you and me.
Let's talk about all the money that you can make on that shit.

Let's talk about sports.

Um,

such a weird fucking song.

Let's do a public service announcement about safe sex,

Ladies, anyway,

I caught the replay of the final like five minutes of that Giants Denver Bronco game.

All right, here's the new drinking game.

All right.

Whenever the fucking announcer goes, there's plenty of time left, you got to do a shot.

That's all they say. There was a minute, like when I was growing up, oh, way back in the day, when I was growing up, what you had at the end of the game was something called the two-minute offense.

And if there was two minutes left in the game, it was an offense that could get you down the fucking field.

Because back then, teams played football for 60 minutes.

They didn't play shutdown defense for 58 minutes, and then the final fucking two minutes, for whatever reason, send two guys down to their own end zone and leave everybody else given 30-yard cushions, right?

So there was a minute 51 left.

There were three possessions, two touchdowns, and a field goal.

Happened in the final fucking minute 51. And the announcers, anytime, every time the person got 151, plenty of time left, they go down the field.
I don't know how quickly they scored.

And then there's like a minute left.

Giants get the ball back. Plenty of time left.

They get to like midfield and they go, at this point, it'd be a 56-yarder, which is well within his range.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, 56 yards, if 56 yards was well within anybody's range

three years ago, they'd be the greatest field goal kicker of all fucking time.

I mean, if they hit it, but if it was well within their fucking range,

56-yarder, for the first 50 years of me watching football, was a fucking

that was unbelievable. I still remember my buddy passed away.

I kept his voice message forever. He called me, he goes, hey, he's just calling to see if he just saw Adam Vinatier's 57 yarder.

He went up in falsetto

because it was fucking amazing.

Now, you know, and then another thing the announcers always say, I mean, I saw him hit a 70-yarder in practice.

There's plenty of time left. They got their ball on their own two-yard line.
I saw the field goal kicker kick a fucking 99-yarder.

Plenty of leg left.

Is this the golden age of field goal kickers?

I don't know what they're doing to the ball, but I feel like whatever they did to the baseball in 1998, when they livened up the ball, they've livened up that fucking, the floaties.

They're kicking floaties.

So anyway,

maybe if it's going like wide right, they turn the air conditioning on the right side of the arena only and they blow it back between the uprights.

I don't know what the fuck they're doing, but it's ridiculous.

And I don't think it's football anymore. What you're watching is

football

that's been a like marketing applied football or marketing applied to football.

If anybody can score at any fucking moment, any amount of times in the final two minutes, you're not going to shut the game off.

You're going to watch all the commercials and they're going to make all their fucking money.

I don't know what they've done, but it is not.

A minute 51, and there's two touchdowns in a field goal is a fucking abomination of football.

That's no defense.

That's like something like

a 2-14 team back in the day wouldn't even do that. Now it's just every fucking game.
What I fucking can't stand, they said,

you know, Bo Nicks with the Broncos, they scored the most fourth quarter points, most points in a fourth quarter they've ever scored in their life. Somehow, John Elway couldn't do that.

Couldn't score as many points as Bo Nicks.

No offense to Bo Nicks, but what the fuck?

I'll tell you, say what you want about John Elway, but you know, you got a minute 51. I want Bo Nicks in 2025 defense.
You know what John Elway would do with 2025 fucking defense?

I mean, it's ridiculous.

I'm going to keep watching, but like, I understand what's going on. They were like,

they are trying to squeeze every fucking dime they possibly can out of every single game.

And they've run out of ways to do it. So now they've applied it to the game.
They're involved in gambling. I mean, the whole fucking thing is, it's bananas.

Do you know way back in the day, Mickey Mantle and Joe Namath, I believe, went to open a bar.

And I can't remember if they did it with some mob guys, but mob guys were hanging around. It was what they used to call them was unsavory characters.

There was unsavory characters hanging around the athletes. And they knew

you are who you hang out with. If you hang out with unsavory

people,

it's kind of funny. Savory food is salty, right? So if it's unsavory, does that mean they're sweet?

When you hang out with unsavory people, unsavory shit happens. So they're like, keep those guys away from those fucking guys because something's going to happen to the integrity of the game.

And somewhere along the line,

the mob got broken up and the corporations took over all the mob scams.

All right?

All the scams from fucking the numbers up in Harlem turned into the lottery.

Loan sharking. That's, you know, banking is just legalized, loan sharking.

Skimming and all of that, all of those fucking fees, all of that shit. I remember I paid an occupancy tax when I was in St.
Louis

on a hotel room. They charged me an occupancy tax.
They charged me for occupying a hotel room. I wasn't selling any goods out of it.
I wasn't making any money.

I simply went to a hotel and stayed there, and they taxed me for doing it.

That was like Pittsburgh for a while, had an entertainment tax. They taxed you for entertaining the people of Pittsburgh.

Yeah, I don't know. All of these games are a little nuts, but I keep watching, and I'm actually watching more sports now than I've watched since my kids were born because I am off the road.

I'm off the road. Plenty of time.
There's plenty of time left. Plenty of time left in this year.
You know, it's October 23rd.

Yep, plenty of time. It's plenty of time left.
Oh my God. You know, I didn't lose that 50 points.
Plenty of fucking time.

It's well within your range.

Anyway, yeah.

I will say what I did enjoy is the Bruins did it right when Marshawn came back,

giving him the tribute that he deserved. And

it's been... Oh, dude, the phantom limb

of him not being on the fucking team, especially when the Bruins go on the power play and he's not out there and it's just Posternak.

The fucking

positive effect that that man has on a hockey game is just,

you know, cannot be overstated. And

I got to be honest with you, I've watched almost at least the highlights or every game of the Bruins this year. We won the first three and then we've lost five in a row, lost to the fucking Panthers.

What I did like about the Panthers game is we at least showed that we had some hot and we fought back

after going down, like, when I think we,

yeah, we were down 2-0, and then we tied it up 2-2,

then had a shit goal,

let in a shit goal, down 3-2. Then we tie it up 3-3

with a couple of minutes left, and

somebody on the Panthers fucking shoots the puck

on net, and a guy behind the net for the Panthers tipped it in.

My buddy texted me going, that was a shit goal. And I was like, it was actually kind of amazing.
I don't know how the fuck the hand-eye coordination of that was fucking amazing.

But

we need a win bad.

We need a fucking win really bad.

Anyway, we're still in the playoff picture, though, after eight games. So we shall see.
But anyway, it was great.

You know, the Bruins fans made all those signs, and Marshawn got emotional and all of that.

Yeah, it just fucking sad. It's a business.
It's a business. I understand why they made the move.

But

whatever.

Anyway.

Anyway, that just fucks makes me sad. I will say, I'm going to try to knock out the last three teams I need to see

in all four professional sports, a home game of, I got to see the mammoth, the kraken, and the hurricanes. So I'm going to talk to my

agent today. The Bruins just played the Mammoth,

but

they got an away game. They'll be in Seattle in January, and then they'll be

in

what you call it, North Carolina. in April.
So we'll see. We'll see what my schedule looks like.
Maybe I can knock them all out. And then what, Bill? I'll tell you what.
CFL, baby.

CFL is next. And I can knock that out quickly.
They only got like seven or eight teams, I think.

I believe. Edmonton Eskimos, the

fucking

British Columbia Eagles.

Right? The BC Eagles. And then they got the fucking Calgary Stampede.

And they got the Rough Riders, the Argonauts.

I don't know.

Something like that. I have no fucking idea.
But anyway, I went out last night and I did a

fucking big day yesterday.

Got a bunch of writing done. I'm getting ready.
I got an acting gig coming up. I did that shit.
And then I,

Dean Del Rey, I got my

got some new pipes put on the motorcycle. Rode it back to the airport, had a fucking great time.

Um,

that bike is literally everything I wanted it to be and more.

If that makes any sense. It's like riding a fucking Cadillac.

I love it. And I don't split lanes.
I don't do any of that shit.

It's ferring just looks too fucking. I just, you know, not into that shit.
I like to ride up in the canyons during the week when none of those fast and furious kids are out there

in their full leathers, fucking dragon and knee or whatever, whatever that young shit is.

I like to go up there

during the week and I just go, wee.

Tra la la la.

No, but I didn't get like obnoxiously like loud pipes either. Dean got like this really cool, like nice fucking solid bass note.

Nothing obnoxious, but if I need to, I can make somebody know that I'm there, which is fucking cool. And then after that, I went down to Flappers and I did a spot opening for on Dean's show.

And I tried out all of this. this new shit.

And of course, whenever you try out all the new shit, it fucking works. It's the second time.
That's when you get to decide if it actually works.

The first time, you know, you're in the moment, so you're just doing it. But then the second time, you have to fight

thinking about the first time.

And then you're not in the moment anymore. You're like, going, wait, how the fuck did I say it last time? That's right.

Oh, that's what it is. That's how it went.

Anyway.

I am excited to get back out on the road, though,

and to start doing stand-up again.

Trying to keep my life simple

after doing that play and all of that shit. Like,

I don't know, kind of pulling back a little bit. Thinking about doing that, you know,

less dates, more time at home with the kids, you know,

settle in,

settle into the back porch, stare at the tree line, do that for three days, get bored out of my mind, and then hit the road harder than I ever did.

That's how it works. That's how it works.

I do got to go talk to somebody about my fucking. I had no idea I had like this fucking anxiety in all of these social situations.
In other words, I had no idea how fucked up I was.

But I am super comfortable around comedians. Like last night when I went into the green room, I ran into a buddy of mine I had not seen in forever.

And we started, you know, shooting the shit. And it's like, I literally could have talked to this guy all night.
And it was effortless. I was listening.
He was talking. I was talking.

He was listening. And it just fucking works.

But

I don't know. I get with civilians.
I get with the civilians there. It doesn't work as much.
Definitely does not fucking work as much.

I do all right with kids, too. Oh, I did like a chaperone thing for the first time at my kids' school.

It went fucking great.

I was really nervous about it because when you're chaperone, they give you like a clump of kids, and then you have to like watch them.

And I was like, I was in like fucking secret service mode the whole day.

But I had a nice balance of fun, dad, and what the fuck are you doing? Stop doing that.

I obviously didn't say it that way.

I just was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, get away from that.

But anyway,

I got through that, had massive, massive,

massive anxiety about it the night before.

And I was talking to my lovely wife. I'm like, are they going to tell us like what to do? Like,

what exactly?

She goes, no, it's great. You know,

you go on a field trip wherever you go. No, it's going to be fun.
The kids are fun.

And I'm just like, I've watched too many of these. Give me back my son fucking crazy fucking movies.

No, I was really nervous about

the possibilities of it. But it ended up being

Ended up being great. It was funny.

One of the kids couldn't find his backpack, so he didn't have a lunch. So I said, all right, I'll get you a lunch or whatever.
And we get there. But then the school ended up paying for the lunch.

And then

afterward,

we were outside near the buses, and this guy came by with one of those little ice cream things that you push.

So my daughter asked me if she could have an ice cream.

And then that other kid didn't have the lunch. She goes, Yeah, can I have an ice cream too?

And I'm a fucking pushover, right? So I just go, all right, but you got to do it.

you got to do it quietly because if the other kids see,

you know,

like, it's going to be a fucking madhouse. So of course,

the other kids saw,

and next thing you know,

it was every kid was lined up, and then all the dads, we all had the fucking, everybody's throwing in. money, but the kids were beyond excited and everybody got an ice cream.

And I got to tell you something, you cannot fucking believe how much ice cream is in one of those little carts.

I was sitting there looking at the dude selling the ice cream. I'm like, this guy's fucking psyched.
We are sending this dude home early.

All right. He's going to fucking

miss one second of whatever game he wants to watch. And dude, I mean, it was a ton of fucking kids.
And he still had like a third left. I think he finally sold out of a couple.
But

anyway, it ended up being like this sort of really cool fucking moment. The kids were psyched, and then all the dads and moms bonded, like, you know,

like we all went in.

And the guy like serving the ice cream was just going, like, okay, that's 68.

That's 71. And he's just calling out the numbers.
And people just,

everybody just fucking,

everybody throwing in.

But yeah, I think that was the happiest bus ride ride of kids I've ever seen on the way back to school. So

I was happy that it went well. I was so fucking relieved when we got back to the school.
And

like nothing, you know, just don't want any of the kid to fall down. Some fucking weirdo to start approaching.
And then

what do you do? You know what I mean?

I've never had to fight a crazy person, but like, you definitely got to go with your feet if you're fighting somebody crazy.

You know, you don't want to touch them.

Bottom of your souls, it neutralize all the germs on the bottom of your fucking sneaker neutralizes all the germs. Oh my God.

If a crazy person came up behind me and like just grabbed me, like bear hugged me,

I would be more afraid of whatever germs were now on me than what the fuck this person was going to do to me. All right?

Because I I already know. Somebody grabs you and picks you up from behind.
What do you do? You just fucking

right up to the ball bag, like you're running. You just, what does

the heel, and it sends each nut in different directions, stretching out the ball bag, which causes the person. I learned this from Boss Rutin.

I didn't, but his fight things are my favorite.

It's like,

it's one of the greatest comedies I've ever seen while showing you just devastating shit.

I'm sorry. No, I'm not.
Did you ever see the one where the guy's being a dick and he had his, he was showing the guy he had his leg crossed over his other leg?

Like, not where like the knees are touching the knees like that. The one where it's like

the leg on top is at a 90-degree angle and it's your and sort of...

Your ankle is on the other leg. So your foot's dangling on one side and then there's the rest of your leg on the other.

And he showed that he would push down on the foot and on the knee at the same time.

I'm sorry. No, I'm not.
And just snap your fucking leg.

I've never watched a video crying, laughing, and then also pulling my knees up into my chest, like, God damn.

Oh my God.

Easily,

easily.

Top 100 toughest guys that have ever been alive.

Wouldn't that be amazing to find out the top 100

since the beginning? If you could go back to like fucking caveman times.

Like the toughest fucking dude ever.

Do you think it would be from this time?

I just think if you could survive back in the day before they had like a CVS with like fucking medicine and ointment and shit, you just like, first of all, like

the immune systems of people back in the day

have to be way higher. Oh, speaking of that shit, like I fucking,

you know, I keep going to the doctor. I'm doing all everything I'm supposed to like

get checked out on. And

So I told the lady,

I was getting that angiocardio fucking thing where they shoot the ink through your heart to make sure everything's all right. Fortunately, everything looked good, right?

And they take pictures and all of that. So the lady goes to me, she goes, are you having any symptoms? And I said, no, you know, just preventative thing.

I said, I do have, I found out I have high cholesterol. She goes, oh, they didn't put you on any medicine, did they? I said, no, I'm not taking any medicine.
I'm going to eat right.

I go, I'm not going to damage my liver. She goes, or your kidneys.
This is like a nurse saying this to me. Saying, I go, yeah, because it's a business.

Once you go into the hospital, they don't want you to leave. And if you do leave, they're going to give you something that's going to make you come back.
And she's like, yeah, that's right.

It was nice to be validated, but it was also terrifying. I had a conversation with that one time at a guy that worked at Chase Bank.

And I was really into the Federal Reserve, and I was talking about what a fucking scam it was.

And he goes, and he just had this look on his face. He's like, yeah, no, you're right.
You're right. It's, it's crazy.
That's, you know, he goes, I've been buying like gold and silver.

Like, he totally just left the program of Chase

and started talking to me.

And I remember another time, a long, long, long fucking time ago,

I was doing this morning radio show and I was into conspiracy theory. And one of the guests was like a former like CIA person.

So I was saying all of this fucked up shit. And he was just on the air.
No, I don't think so, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But then at the end of the show, when the mic was off and we walked away, I said, I'm really that nuts. He goes,

you know, you're not wrong about a lot of it.

And here's the thing. None of these

things that I was saying were my conspiracies. These were things that I read that other people said.

So I did, not like I fucking did the Mel Gibson thing, whatever that movie is, where he actually is a conspiracy theorist. But one of the things he's actually right about, I didn't even do that.

I was just casually looking at conspiracy theory. And this guy was going like, yeah, you know,

you're not wrong.

That's what drives me nuts about people that fucking go against conspiracy theory. Like, remember this guy one time saying, there is no they.

There is no they. It's like, there's always a they.

There's 100% a they.

There's no opponent.

I guess the theory is that they're not looking at you individually. No, but they have you clumped in.
I'm not going to get into this shit.

I am not going to waste my time trying to explain conspiracy theory to someone who made this comment 15 fucking years ago and it is even here. See that? That's called maturity.

Try it out sometime.

Anyway,

oh, my son always goes, he goes,

like if he says something and then you copy him,

he always goes, hey, don't copy me.

Hey, he always says that. That's how he used to talk.
But now he just goes, hey, don't copy me.

And then today he said something and I copied him. And I was on the way to school and he goes, stop copying me this instant.

So I tell Nia that and I go, I think our son's been getting in trouble at school. She's like, why? I go, because because he's starting to talk to me like a teacher.

He didn't tell me to stop as much as he just reprimanded me.

He's the fucking coolest ever. He said goodbye to me today.
I put my hand out and he slapped me five, didn't say a word and just fucking walked away. It's just,

you can't teach that. You can't teach that vibe.
You either got it or you don't. All right, that's the podcast, I believe.
I believe that is the podcast. Oh no, I got a read here.

Oh, I got to do a read.

I got to do a read. What? Wait a minute.
I got a bunch of, ah, you fucking cunt. All right.
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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 23rd, 2017. What's going on? How is ya?

I am in Atlanta. I am back in Atlanta to continue on my acting gig on a rainy day here.
Oh, rainy days and Mondays always

get me down.

Who the fuck would write a song like that?

You know, it's like, isn't the world depressed enough?

Rainy days and Mondays always get you down. Oh, how do you feel on Tuesday when it's partly cloudy? You miserable cunt.
You're playing music. Isn't your job supposed to be to cheer people up?

I should talk. I remember one time Beck put out an album, and I guess it was supposed to be like something when he was going through a depression and then he had a happier album.

And I bought them one where he was more depressed. And I remember my wife was like, Well, why would you buy that one?

I don't know because I can relate.

I don't fucking know.

Anyway, so I'm back here

in Atlanta. Just landed in this fucking rain and all of this shit.
And,

you know, we were up there in the holding pattern and all that. It's going to be another 25 minutes, all that stuff.
People all huffing and puffing.

And all I'm thinking is, yeah, dude, take another 55 minutes. Just don't fucking crash.
I don't care how long this takes, right?

So I get back to the hotel. Everything goes great.
Somehow this guy fucking lands it.

I don't know how they do it. It's fucking amazing that they're not freaking out.
It's just like I couldn't see anything out my window.

And

I get back to the hotel room. I was like, oh, fuck, I got to do the podcast.
Let me order a little bit of room service. So I call up, you know, get a little grilled cheese sandwich, you know?

A little turkey BLT. What do you got? What do you got on your lunchtime menu? And I call the guy up, right?

He's like, hello, room service. And I said, yeah, I'd like to order some food to the room.
And he goes, oh, I'm sorry. We don't have any rooms today.

Like, I forget how he said it, but he went like this happy happy tone.

Oh, you know, unfortunately, we can't do that right now.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's what he said.
Oh, I'm sorry. We can't do that right now.
Oh, yeah, you don't sound sorry. You sound kind of chipper.

Why don't you have the proper tone in your voice? Could you at least pretend to sound a quarter as disappointed as I am right now that I have to do my fucking podcast on an empty stomach?

This podcast is going to suck right now because all I'm going to be thinking about is a grilled cheese sandwich that I'm not eating.

Oh, the sun just came out. Here comes the sun.

You know what's fucked up? George Harrison wrote that and he's dead. I bet the rainy days and summer

Mondays guy is still alive. You know why? Because God doesn't want to hang out with him.

Listens to George Harrison. Here comes the sun.
This guy sounds alright.

I did a good job on this one, huh?

Must not have been sleepy and nodding off like when I made the rainy days and Mondays, cunt.

Ah, Jesus. I hope he kills somebody so I have a reason to send him down.
Oh, wait, I'm God. I can send him down there anyways.

You know what? Fucking kill him.

Anyways, plowing ahead here. I'm back in Atlanta.
I'm going to knock out a couple more days on this.

What I'm telling you, man, it's really looking like a great one. Film that I'm working on.
And then I go back to go see my wife and my daughter. Is that my daughter right there?

I get to go back, hang out with them before

the fuck am I doing this weekend? Oh my god, we're doing, I'm doing the first ever All Things Comedy Podcast Network

podcast festival in Phoenix, Arizona. Did I say podcast enough in that?

By the way, I'm supposed to mention that Bud Light will be the official beer of the All Things Comedy Festival. All right, we got a little booze in there for Billy Boozless.

67 days.

Oh, 67 days. 67 days, no booze.
Let me tell you something.

Just because I'm not drinking doesn't mean you can't come to the All Things Comedy Festival in Phoenix, Arizona this Thursday, Friday, Saturday and listen to some of the best podcasts in the world, in the universe.

I'm going to go Donald Trump here while enjoying an ice-cold Bud Light. There you go.
Hey, you like that? A little fucking commercial there.

I'll be doing my podcast for the first time. I don't know how I'm going to do it because I'm going to do it just like I do this, where I just fucking lay down on a couch or a bed.

I feel at some point I do have to address the crowd.

I think the fact that I have no idea what the fuck is going to happen, like I don't know what I'm supposed to do, the crowd doesn't know what they're supposed to do.

I think something good's going to happen.

That is my prediction. Or something bad.

Or maybe it sucks. But, you know,

what is the internet like better than something that's amazing? Something that sucks. So, no matter what, I feel like it's going to be a win.

Anyway, 67 fucking goddamn days, no booze. I feel great.

You know, I look better. I've lost weight.

You know, my liver's happy. Sure, all of those things.
But I got to tell you something. I really miss it.
I definitely miss it. You know, I had such a fucking amazing weekend.

Played Austin City Live, the best-sounding venue I've ever fucking been in. The sound was incredible.
Well, they shoot Austin City limits there. The sound was fucking incredible.

I worked with Dean Del Rey. He murdered all weekend.

I recorded when I was there. They were such pros.
They handed it to me. They had all three sets, all of them already mixed.
And also,

you guys said something about Pro Tools, like I could just hook it up into Pro Tools and switch the mixing. adjust stuff if I wanted to.

It was the most professional, best sounding,

coolest fucking venue that I've played in the States, I think. It was unreal.

They had all these fucking photos from back in the day, all the way back to the first Willie Nelson was the first guest that they had in 1974. I believe this is their third venue.

But of course they had the Stevie Ray Vaughan one.

Neil Young,

just everybody. Everybody played there.
And

so that was incredible. So anyways,

and then there was this place, Lambert's Barbecue, right around the corner, which might have been the best barbecue I ever got. Just not only the taste, the quality of the meat.

I went there the first time and I got the pull pork.

It was fucking incredible. I got to give these guys a shout-out.
And then

I went back there again yesterday. And one of the people that worked at the Austin City Live goes, I used to work there, get the ribeye.

And I I got it. It was, it was, I forget what they, they, they,

I don't know, put it in coffee and something else was the rub, and it was fucking outstanding.

Um,

incredible food and all of that shit. So, anyways, so I went out there, I scheduled this weekend out there around the Formula One race, right?

That's all I was going to do. I was going to go there, play Austin City Live, and then go to the F1 race.
And then that was it. That was going to be my fucking make-a-wish weekend.

It was going to be perfect. However, I get there and somebody tells me, hey, you know, Jimmy Vaughn is playing.

The fuck was the name of the venue? We just went there. Something Sky, Something Sky Venue or something.
This little bar, cool ass fucking bar.

It was like Jimmy Vaughn's gonna be playing down there.

I only had one show Saturday night. You guys should go down and check him out.
Went down, checked him out, sat in a booth like five feet away from the stage.

Saw the great Jimmy Vaughn here, this unbelievable fucking keyboard player and drummer. And I just got to watch them play a set.
It was this big CD album release party that they were having.

We got to meet him in between sets. Could not have been nice, nicer, more generous,

just really warm, great guy.

And

I got to tell you, man, there was this one asshole in the crowd. The more I go to like music shows, like did they always talk about how comedians get heckled?

Like we get heckled, you know, because most of the times we deserve it. We say something that isn't funny or we annoy somebody, right?

This guy's up there, he's playing music and he's killing it and it sounds great. This asshole in the crowd

said something, I don't want to fucking hear that shit. I want to,

like five feet away, yelling at him like he hired him. for his private birthday party.

And

I don't know how Jimmy kept his composure.

I don't know how he did. I couldn't believe he didn't smash the fucking guitar over his head.
He just was like, nah, man, you know, I'm up here, I'm playing music.

This fucking loser who's never done shit with his life,

as far as I can tell, he's with some woman who literally falling down drunk, fell down drunk, and he got her another fucking beer. And they, you know.

Other than that, it was like this perfect evening. And I just was, as a performer, was astounded

the classy way that he handled that guy, guy because

God knows I wouldn't have

but

other than that asshole it was just this incredible night and me and Dean were just sitting there like you know a couple of kids could not believe that we got to see him and got to see him play like it was just classic old school musician

You know, we were out in the fucking parking lot.

He just pulls up, drove himself to the gig, you you know just old school shit goes in walks up on stage look fucking great plugs in tunes up people he's tuning up his own guitar you know all of that shit people yeah Jimmy he just started looking nodding whatever he's all tuned up walks off stage comes back 10 minutes later and just proceeds to absolutely murder it for like 90 minutes right

so Like that wasn't great enough. I would go, dude, you believe we're going to we're seeing this guy and we're going to go to this race the next day

so

anyways,

we're with some of the people from Austin City live there. And I go, by the way, I go, who's playing your venue? Who comes in there next?

And they go, Primus.

I go, when? They go, Sunday night. I go, get the fuck out of here.
I've never seen them.

All right. Tim Alexander is one of my favorite fucking drummers of all time.
I got to see this guy live. So I changed my fucking flight.
And they go, all right, man, we'll fucking hook you up. And

we go to the race. I know this is probably annoying to a lot of you guys that I got to do all of this shit, but I have to tell you,

what am I going to lie and didn't and act like I didn't have a great meeting? Am I supposed to tone down my joy?

Because you're in a goddamn cubicle right now. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I fucking humiliated myself for the first eight years of my stand-up career before I finally figured out how to be funny. And that I'm a 25-year overnight success.

Can I continue without pissing off too many of you?

I know how the internet is. I know how it works.
Well, fuck you. All right?

Just know this. If I ever get sick, I don't need to have a fucking make-a-wish because I already lived it this weekend.
So we go to the goddamn race.

And

we were sitting in turn 12, which was the fucking place to be.

You know, the first race I went to up in Montreal, I was on the start-finish line, and it was great to watch them go flying by at 170, 80 miles an hour. But you can barely see him.

You want to be in the turns where they got to, you know, stomp on the brakes, and that's where the racing happens. That's where the passing happens.
Dude, we were there.

We saw fucking Lewis Hamilton pass Max Verstapen, the two best drivers in the world, on the two best teams, you know, Mercedes and

Ferrari, right in front of us. And on that same fucking turn, I think

Botas passed somebody.

We got to see Hamilton pass somebody else after he had pitted, and he had to try to get back into first place again. We saw him pass again.

And then on the final lap, we saw Max Verstappen go around Kimmy Rakinen. Right as they were disappearing around the fucking, was that 12, 13, 14, 15? I think 16.

We could see 12, 13, 14, and 16 turns. And then up the hill, you can see turn one and then over to the left you can see like turn I don't know what it was five or six it was ridiculous

if you ever go there you got to sit in turn 12 I'm telling you or somewhere around there where you get to see all of like just get a map of the

of the of the track and from here on out I don't give a fuck what race I go to. I'm going to look and see which turn has the sharpest fucking turn

after a straightaway or whatever. And that's where I'm sitting because we actually saw a little bit of an accident.
I believe one of the American teams, the Haas car, got spun out.

That was right in front of us.

And dude, Dean Del Rey was flipping the fuck out.

Like three times during the race, during those passes, he fucking held up his forearm and he had goosebumps watching these guys slamming on the brakes, going around each other.

You know, he's a motorcycle fucking car freak.

He was losing his shit.

And he was so going nuts, I was like laughing half of the time.

You know, you know, when you bring somebody to something and you want them to have a good time, you're so afraid like that they're gonna look at you like, you're into this shit, dude, I'm bored.

You know, they're gonna need more fucking cheese and crackers for me to eat. He was losing his mind.
Freaking out.

So anyways, as if the race wasn't good enough, Max Verstappen is right on Kimmy Rakinen's ass. through 12, 13, 14, 15 the whole time.
And everybody is on their feet going fucking crazy.

And at the last second, as they're going like up the hill, he got around them, and everybody was going nuts. And

he ends up coming in third place. He's on the podium.
Everything is great.

We get out of there.

Oh, I forgot in the beginning of the race

when they did the whole, Michael Buffer did all the announcements. Which some, some, you know, some racing fans didn't like, you know, because they were all fucking snobby and shit.

I saw a couple American fans apologizing and fuck you. This is America.
All right, we overeat and we're loud. All right, if you don't like it, don't have a fucking race here, you asshole.

Jesus Christ, do you get all upset when the fucking Italians cry every time a Ferrari's in first place for a lap?

Fucking stuck up cunts. Anyways, and they actually, when they brought out Daniel Ricardo, they actually

is this on right now?

All right, sorry, a little technical difficulty there. When they brought him out, Will Buxton had written all the

intros. And when they brought out Daniel Ricardo, they fucking, they had Michael Buffer say Ricky Rocket.

Remember when I couldn't remember the guys' names? And I was saying

Ricky Reckenberg and all of that shit because I, you know, so new to the sport? One time I called Daniel Ricardo Ricky Rocket, obviously knowing that that was the drummer from Poison.

So he actually said that.

How fucking nuts is that? So, anyways, at some point, I got to get a picture with Ricky Rocket and Daniel Ricardo. See if that ever fucking happens.
Who knows? Who knows?

Maybe Ricky Rocket carries his shadow. Next thing you know, he gets into the race.
He goes to fucking Austin. He's also sitting in turn 12.

But Daniel Ricardo will be on it. You know what? It'll be Drayson at that point.
It's never going to fucking happen. Whatever.
So anyways, this morning I wake up.

And I'm looking at the final, you know, results and everything to see who won what. And I notice that all of a sudden Max Verstappen is down in fourth place

and

there's all this whole fucking Days of Thunder Ricky Bobby fucking controversy I guess he fucking went off on this I guess it's this racing steward

who fucked him over in Japan Mexico and now in Austin and he was so mad he said he hoped that the fans don't show up in Austin next year.

It's just like, dude, dude, he's kind of fucking you around the globe. There's no reason to single us out.

Right? Did you not like your nickname in the fucking intros? Sorry.

But, anyways, it was a phenomenal race. I'm actually blowing through so much of this shit, I should probably try and slow down here.
But I have to get to the next thing.

So then we left there, and then we went.

My wife better not listen to this podcast. She's gonna get annoyed with me.
Then we went back to the hotel, dropped off our shit,

and we went back down over to the venue and we got to see

Primus.

And they basically opened opened for themselves played like for an hour and then took a half hour break and played for another 90 minutes and

I gotta be honest with you I am not a drug guy

but I actually with all the video shit that they had going on and the whole psychedelic vibe

oh by the way another heckler at that show

Like Larry's one of his pedals or something wasn't working

You know, Celeste is talking to the crowd talking about, he's actually talking about that,

what is that? Blue, you know, those damn blue color tweakers.

This whole town,

that's fucking song. He was talking about how he came up with that.
Tweakers, I thought he was talking about meth.

You know, I didn't know it was about the waters being stolen from Northern California. So he's sitting there talking about it because they're trying to fix Larry's pedals.

This guy in the crowd goes, Stop fucking preaching.

Can you, I was beside myself.

I would think everybody in the crowd would just beat the shit out of me. But Les, once again, did both of them just handled it like a pro.
He joked his way out of it.

He said something fucking hilarious about,

you know, presenting any questions he had. Please present them in written form.

True or false questions work best for me.

I'm butchering it, but it was like really funny to the point I was actually kind of happy the guy heckled him because, you know, Les is fucking hilarious. So

I finally got to see Tim Alexander play live. His fucking kit is...

It's fucking... He has like a double bass pedal on like a 20-inch bass drum.

And they had all of this stuff going on in the background. And I'm sitting there, you know, trying to figure out,

you know,

what Tim is playing and all of that shit.

and After they opened for themselves they took a half hour break then they came out and they started playing all the stuff after their new album. I hope I say this right desaturating seven

And they had all this video stuff going on and I actually looked over at Dean at one point

I believe when they had elephants jumping on trampolines

and

And the way that the filter was on it, it looked like what was that really cool movie Vin Diesel did where he couldn't see?

just how you would look

I Keep thinking Riddick Bo. I know it's not that.
That was a boxer. I forget what the fuck I can never remember the name of the movie.

But it was like sort of in that sort of filter and it was an elephant jumping up and down on a trampoline and then it became three and then one of them started doing somersaults and what I loved when it came down like the trunk would like

Would be like fluttering in the wind as it came down and I literally Looked over at Dean. I go, you know what? I've never had this thought before, but I really wish I was on drugs right now.

I'm not a drug guy, you know? Or I've stayed away from, you know,

I smoke weed every once in a while.

Usually when I'm not drinking, because I'm so fucking bored.

I don't know how straight-edged people do it. I really don't.

But I pretty much stayed away from all of like the evil drugs other than alcohol. I think alcohol is an evil drug.
It's an angry drug. Like, you know what I mean? Like, weed is cool.

Mushrooms are cool. But, like, Coke is evil.
Alcohol is evil.

I don't know. I feel like the shit that just makes you kind of sit around, you can't really do anything, just giggling at yourself.

You know, I don't know why anybody would just choose.

to stay in the dark side. I don't know.
Maybe you're just a fucking dark human being and you relate to it, but you'd think you'd want to go the opposite way. I don't fucking know.
But

I've never taken mushrooms or anything like that. But

I don't know. That was the first time I was just like, you know,

I wouldn't have minded being in like an altered state throughout this.

If I could have just given myself, I just always worry that I would freak out. That's why I never...

You know, like my generation, they were always like,

you know, had the old thing telling you stories about people who took LSD and they pulled their eyeballs out and fucking jumped. I mean, I would never fuck with LSD either.
But like, I don't know.

Was actually going, like, you know, I think this would have been one of those times. I mean, if I just did mushrooms once every 49 years,

it's like, it'd be like Haley's Comet, you know?

Sort of, right? I don't fucking know. All I know was they were unbelievable.
And I can't even, I don't even know which was my favorite. I think was it

southbound

pachyderm?

It was probably my favorite.

It was just an unbelievable, well, the whole night was just fucking incredible. And that was my weekend.

I got to do three shows at Austin City Live, the best venue as far as sound I've ever performed in.

I then got to see Jimmy Vaughn in this small little bar,

like doing the world a favor. He doesn't need to to do that gig, comes down, right?

And then I got this

F1 race, and then I saw Primus after that.

And then I come back to Atlanta to do a fucking movie to pretend to be somebody else. I swear to God, there's a piano waiting to fall on my fucking head at some point during this week.

Something's going to happen.

And actually, I already did. I'm not going to talk to you about it.
It was some other fucking bullshit, getting some work done on the house.

And the workers came there and somebody said, Hey, the door to your house was open.

And I was like, Oh, fuck. Did somebody break into our house? So I'm dealing with that.
But you know what? That's what happens.

That is what happens.

When you have all this good stuff going on, something, something happens. You stub your fucking toe, you get audited, something's going to happen.
I don't fucking know.

So, anyways, doing all of this shit, I missed pretty much all of the football and all of that crap for this weekend. I do know that the Patriots beat the Falcons.

So that's cool. We're 4-2.
Dude, we actually have a strong division. Bills are 4-2.
Patriots are 4-2. Dolphins are 4-2.

Jets are, what are they? 3-what would that be? If they played six games, 3-3?

I don't know what they are.

Well, they might be 3-5 because I think we might have had a bye-week. I don't know what.
But

AFC East, after all these years of being so fucking weak, is actually a really competitive division this year. So that's pretty exciting.
And

I watched, what did I watch? My apologies. By the way, my apologies to the fucking Houston Astros.
I love your uniforms. I just haven't watched baseball in so long.

I thought they still had those shitty ones that Jeff Bagwell had to wear. You fucking uniforms are great, and I got to give a shout out to Sports Illustrated.

Some guy, I was watching this pregame because I watched games six and seven,

you know, when I was

waiting to go on, and I thought I was convinced CC Sabathia game seven. I thought the Yankees were going to have that one.

But, anyways, they were talking about before, like, game seven, that some guy, I don't know who wrote it, in Sports Illustrated, in 2014, the year the Astros went 70 and 92.

He put them on the cover of Sports Illustrated and said,

you know, please welcome your 2017 World Series champions. He said that in 2014 when they were 70 and 92 or in the midst of being that.
He or she said that, right?

And then they come back from the story and the guy hosting the sports program goes, yeah, that was a pretty good prediction. It's like pretty good.
That was fucking unbelievable.

Like anybody right now can look at the Yankees and go like, hey, I think they're going to win it next year or they'll win it the year after or sometime within the next three years.

That is not a big prediction. All right, they got all this young talent.
They're fucking playing great. They way overachieved as far as what the organization thought they were going to do this year.

They came one game away from the World Series. Anybody can say that these guys are going to win another one.
You know, that's what I think.

I think they're going to win another one here in the next few years. But to fucking look at the Astros who've never fucking won in 2014 and then pick the year.

I think in the next three years, blah, blah, blah, that would have been great. But to actually nail the year, I I mean, they haven't won it yet, but

the guy comes, yeah, it was a pretty good prediction. I don't know.
I thought the guy was a little jealous.

Am I nuts?

I'm trying not to talk all sports because I know people are fucking get nuts with that sometimes. So let me fucking go.

First of all, I'm really cursing a lot. I don't know why.
Probably because I was on a plane today and I always suck after I've been on a plane. But

let's get back to drugs and booze.

All right.

This is what I realized. I like I like getting fucked up.
I do. I really enjoy it.
I like getting hammered or fucking, you know,

every once in a while smoking some weed. I do.

And

I'm not an addictive personality

as the cops show up to see what's under my bed right now.

I hope you guys could hear the siren in the background. I hope you didn't think I was alluding to the fact that I killed a hooker or something.
I was talking about drugs. A siren went by.

Sometimes this fucking thing doesn't pick it up.

Anyways,

so like now I haven't drank but done anything for like 67 days and I could go for the rest of my life. I could do it,

but it's just, it's so, it's like really, I don't know, it's boring.

I don't know how, like, I have to commend everybody

who

gets into a program and just fucking does that?

I don't know how you do it, but

it's amazing. And I feel like, in a way, by me saying how fucking boring it is, I'm actually fucking with your sobriety, so I apologize.
But

have you guys been watching Burke Kreischer, by the way?

Going sober for October, and I believe Tom Segora, they always do like those battles, like losing weight and being sober and all that shit. And I think Joe Rogan is doing it too.

So all I know about from the what I know about the three of them, November better get in the fetal position because I have a feeling they're going to come back strong.

I know I am. I think I am.
I don't know. I don't know.
I like losing the weight and that type of shit, but

I think I'm going to be, I would like to be more of someone who who picks his battles when I drink.

You know, like, I got to tell you, Austin is a hard place not to be drinking. Like,

we went to go see Jimmy Vaughn. Like, we were sitting at this table with some other people that knew Jimmy, and they were the nicest people ever.

And a couple of them that were at the table were fucking just doing shots. And I swear to God, they did like three shots in an hour.
And these people could drink because they were just totally like

fine.

And

I would be lying to you if I wasn't looking at them drinking going god damn it I would kill for one of those right now

and I was trying to rationalize it like what if I just did one

and this is the weird thing about me if I'm a habit guy so and I'm not like a chemical person I don't think so but if I just do that one

how I work is I immediately have to order a water after that and let the buzz start to fade.

Alright? Because if I don't, then I'm going to get another, then I'm going to get another. But I get this weird thing with the water.

It fucking, it's almost like I threw it in my face and I wake up going like, all right, dude, settle down, settle down. But if I don't do that,

I definitely put a dent in a bottle. But

I don't know, last night, man, at that Primus show, I'm not blaming Primus here when I fucking go off the wagon. But I was just like, you know what?

Am I going to try mushrooms? The fuck is, who tries mushrooms for the first time at 49, just had a kid?

I can't have that on my resume, right?

Plus, I also think the first time you do them, you should probably be in your house where you feel safe, but I can't do that now because I'm a dad.

And I don't think it would be smart. to do it at a concert while I watched a fucking elephant doing somersaults on a trampoline.

I don't know. I'm just throwing this shit out here.
If anybody has any suggestions, how to walk that line.

Anyways, now that I've talked about recreational drugs here, are those recreational? I don't even know what. I don't even know what.
I just always hear that word on the fucking news.

Let me promote the All Things Comedy Festival. This is the podcast read, okay? We're having our first All Things Comedy Festival at the end of this month, October 26, 27, 28, and 29.

Oh, I'm sorry, so that goes right through Sunday in Phoenix, Arizona. All right, 26, 27, 28, 29.
So it's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

I'm going to be there recording my first ever live Monday morning podcast. All right.
Doug Stanhope, the great Doug Stanhope, the legend, is doing his podcast at the Orpheum Theater.

Bert Kreischer, sober Bert. Ari Shafir, I think he also might be sober.

The Crab Feast are also on the lineup. We're taking over downtown Phoenix with a pop-up podcast studio and the whole network is going to be there.
If you're in the Phoenix area, come hang with us.

Go to allthingscomedy.com to get your tickets.

Yeah, I don't know what time I'm coming in because I'm coming in from Atlanta. Actually, I'm going out to LA.

See my wife and kid and then I'm going to fly in the day of

and

I'm going to be walking walking around fucking taking pictures and thanking everybody for coming out. So, if you guys bought tickets and came out, I really, really appreciate it.

All right, let's get to some of the more of the podcast reads here. Oh, look who's here, everybody.
It's one of our favorite fucking reads on the podcast. It's old Zip.

By the way, Tim Alexander's fucking drum kit was one of the coolest things I've ever seen.

He has like

three rack toms, and then mixed in with the rack toms on like a rack above it He has like these octobons like three different octobons. Then he has like these

Like splash symbols on one side. He's got like the rack.
Dude, I'm a drum geek. So I was videoing the drum kit watching all of this stuff.
Dude, one of the most fluid fucking players.

Do you know he was the player that actually got me out of my John Bonham, initially got me out of the John Bonham

like death spiral.

And I was like, I have all I'm doing is listening to John Bonham. This isn't good.
I'm never going to sound like him. I'm never going to play like him.
I need to listen to other people.

And the double bass guys, so many of them, like what they were playing, I just couldn't hear a groove.

And then he came along,

and the way he applies the double bass, when he puts it in, And what I love about his playing is how fluid it is in the space that he has

and just grooves his ass off. I can't believe I finally got to saw him.

Saw him, got to see him. It was just amazing.
Anyway, all right, where are we here? Let's get to some of the questions here for this week.

All right, you're not going to believe this. I accidentally hit stop,

so then I had to press record again, and somehow I hit stop again without realizing it. And I just talked for 40 fucking minutes.
Then nobody heard.

All right, let me start this over again with your questions here. All right, I'll try to act like I'm still excited that I'm not fucking starving.
Do you hear that? That's my stomach growling.

All right, Robert Plant, everybody. Oh,

freckles. Just wanted to let you know Robert Plant was interviewed on the Howard Stern Show on Tuesday.
He goes through his whole career and up to the present because he has a new album coming out.

Incredible interview. Thought you might enjoy it.
Thank you and go fuck yourself.

I have to hear this fucking interview. The problem is, is I only have serious satellite radio in my car.
My car is in Los Angeles. I'm in Atlanta.

Howard Stern fans, please send me a link. Let me know where I can see it, watch it, whatever the fuck goes on.
However you kids do it, because I'm not going to be able to figure it out.

I have to listen to it. I have to listen to him go through the whole thing.
Band of Joy, Into Zeppelin,

John Barnum dying,

coming back within the mood.

And then what else did he do? Honey Drippers, the whole fucking thing.

I can't wait to listen to that. You know, when I was at the Austin city live they had an incredible picture of him too

um

you know he's another guy you know just aged naturally now look at him he looks fucking badass

all the wrinkles on his his face he just looks he looks fucking amazing um i don't know why people would choose botox and all of that shit um oh here's a great one 38-year-old bus driver makes college hoops team

uh billy girl did you see these uh this article on barstool? Sounds like someone you would commend on a job well done. You're always telling people it's never too late.

On the flip side, what are the negatives here? Does anyone lose out?

Hey man, if you can't beat out a 6'8, 380 pound fucking 38-year-old guy, it's on barstool sports, which by the way is, you know, that's got to be the best combination of being hilarious and then also letting you know what's going on in sports.

How old, let's see, this guy, 38 years old, is going to be 39 in November.

He's six feet eight and weighed 380 pounds. He's 38, weighs 380.

You know what's funny? To get 380 pounds, all you have to do is just gain, at 38 years of age, all you have to do is just gain 10 pounds a year. You know?

For the first, like, I don't know how many years, people are like, oh my god, the kid's emaciated. Then all of a sudden, right?

You're nine years old, you're 90 pounds. Like, what the fuck?

10, you're 100, 20, you're 200, and that's, you know, 380. He just kept getting paid like giantism, but you just keep eating.

Um, you're asking me what is the downsize,

the downside, sorry, downsize.

A little slip there. What is the downside? Uh, maybe is uh

blowing out his Achilles. I mean, I don't feel bad if somebody can't beat out a fucking soon-to-be 39-year-old, 380-pound, six-foot-eight guy, you know, at that division, whatever division that is.

That's amazing. Good for him, man.

Good for him. You know what it is? He said his basketball dream died, and he's 38 years old, going to be 39.
He has two teenage kids. It's like, there's where your dream died.

You fucking had the kids, man. And you're a good dad, I bet.
So you're just like, oh, I got to take whatever job I can get.

All right. The fall guy.

No, sorry, brain activity after death.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I already did this.
And I talked to...

I hope I can do this justice again. Brain activity after death.
All right, let's reminisce about this one because I've already read it before. All right.

When I first recorded this, but didn't realize I wasn't recording. Let me check again to make sure this fucking thing is on.

That freaked me out. Brain activity after death.
And I was just like, because in my will, I'm going to get cremated. So I'm like, you know.

Even still, if you have brain activity after death, I'd rather just get thrown in an oven to just finish off the rest of of me, like ah, it's over real quick, as opposed to laying in a coffin, feeling worms going into my ears.

Dear Billy Ripper, this article absolutely fucked me up. Not only is death gonna suck, but also I feel the need to know,

I feel the need now to make sure people don't talk shit about me as I'm dying or hear, let's get a pizza as I'm about ready to check out for good.

All right, this freaked me out here.

All right, scientists say your brain still works after death, and you know when you're dead.

Now, I saw a thing a long time ago where this scientist was on TV with this religious guy who was talking about people who died and then came back to life, and then they talked about what they saw and what they heard and all that.

And it was all this fascinating stuff about watching people working on them and floating above the table and all of this type of shit. And then the scientist guy just killed all of it by going, like,

nothing

has ever been dead and has been brought back to life. What you're talking about here is people having a near-death experience.
Just because your heart stops, it doesn't mean you're dead.

Your brain is still working.

You can still, and he basically was saying, if your eyes are open, you know, you can still see some shit. We're not sure how much.

You're still alive. It's not until your brain has no functioning.
That's the final

The final part of it. I remember reading when I read that book, A Perfect Storm, they went through all of drowning.

You know, your brain's sitting there firing all that, that last bit of life.

All this brain activities going, trying to get your heart going, and it just doesn't happen. And then that's it.
From the lack of oxygen, then your brain dies last, and then that's it.

But you don't like fucking live. I mean, you're not dead.
You're not dead yet. Right? Anyway, scientists may be inching closer to answering one of the greatest mysteries of life.

What happens after you die?

What happens after you die? Don't you hate those fucking websites where you skip past the advertising and you scroll down and then they show it to you anyways?

Fucking annoying.

According to researchers in New York, a person's brain is still active after death, meaning in many cases they can be aware that they've passed away.

A team from New York University, Langon School of Medicine, has been studying patients who've suffered cardiac arrest or a heart attack, which stops their heart for a period of time.

Quote, technically speaking, that's how you get the the time of death. It's all based on the moment when the heart stops.
Yeah, but you're not dead.

You're not dead. Your heart just stopped.
That's why they can bring you back to life because you're still alive. They just get the fucking thing going again.

I learned all of this from one scientist. They'll describe watching doctors and nurses working.
They'll describe having awareness of full conversations of visible.

Yeah, but your ears didn't die. If you scream in an ear, it's still going to fucking vibrate.
Because it's still alive.

It's still working. The heart stopped.

Anyways,

they knew all this shit that they otherwise wouldn't have known what was going on.

According to Parnea, these recollections were then verified by the medical staff. Yeah, this is all stupid.
Yeah, because you're not dead yet, sir. You're not dead.

All right, so just fucking let go of that. I think, you know what I think happens when you die? I think it's a beautiful experience.

I think it's what my idea of what fucking mushrooms at a Primus concert is like.

I think you'd lay in there, I think you're totally relaxed, you let go of all of the bullshit,

and if you're lucky enough after your heart stopped to kind of be aware of a little, to be aware that you're dying, I think it would be a very humble experience.

And I would give thanks

for the amazing life that I had.

And if there was nothing after it, I would be good with it.

I would be fine with going into the ground

and enriching the soil with my carcass.

I don't need to go anywhere after this.

I went to fucking, I performed at Austin City Live.

I then saw Jimmy Vaughn. I then went to an F1 race and then saw Primus.

I need to go to heaven after that? Fuck you talking about?

Yeah.

I don't think it's this big, fearful thing. I don't think it is.
I think if somebody tortures you to death, the torture is bad. That's the bad thing.

How you die is bad, but I don't think the death, that being dead, is bad.

I think it would be fucking amazing. I think it's going to be amazing.

Why would you think anything else? You can't stop it. Might as well look at it in a positive way.
Remember when

who is that guy?

Lou, uh, Jesus Christ, he's only a legend.

He was in that band that sang about fucking heroin.

Lou Reed.

I remember they said when he died,

this woman said she was looking at him, and he had the most, like, amazed and, like, inquisitive look on his face. Like, he was totally enjoying it and just taking in the fucking experience.

That's how you want to go out.

You know, I'm going, oh my God, I'm sorry. Oh, God.
I'm doing all that shit. Fuck that.

Don't fight it.

Just give into it.

What are you special? You're going to keep fucking living like a vampire?

The fall guy.

Dear

Bill, big red balls of fire.

I don't have a question, more of an observation on

the Harvey Weinstein situation.

Harvey Weinstein is banned from the Oscars' Little Elite Club.

It's not a little club. It's a fucking,

it is a very elite club.

And I could tell by, I already said this shit before. I knew this guy has issues with Hollywood, I believe, you know, by saying Little Elite Club.

The same club that Roman Polanski, a pedophile who pled guilty, he did not plead guilty to being a pedophile. What he pled guilty to was improper behavior.

That's what he was willing to plead guilty to. And then he ran and got the fuck out of the country.
Because that's what innocent people do.

Although, if I was brought up on those charges in another country, I probably would have got the fuck out of there too.

However, I would never be in a hot tub with a fucking 13-year-old girl giving her booze or whatever the fuck was going on.

And Brian Singer, who's been accused of molesting underage child stars and feeding them drugs, are a part of.

The big Hollywood elite club. that these sick bastards want us to believe is honorable.

I don't know if anybody ever said it was honorable.

You said on your previous podcast that this was one of the most, I guess they tell you this is for film and honoring film. Maybe they do.
I don't pay attention to this shit. I watch sports.

You said on your previous podcast that

this was one of the most disgusting, god-awful situations you've ever heard of, the Weinstein thing. Yeah.

Weinstein fucked up, sure.

But so far none of his accusers were underage.

I swear to God, I know what you guys are thinking. You're thinking what I thought the first time I read this.
This guy is not going to downplay what Weinstein did. And you know, he fucked up.

Allegedly did. I guess I should still be saying what he allegedly did.
And the guy fucked up. A lot of them were aspiring stars who were willing to do anything for fame.
Objections, speculation.

Dude, you're just creating this fucking argument because you have issues. with Hollywood.
And their careers failed and now they're bitter.

So they, yeah, okay, all right. You sound like the defense attorney for Harvey Weinstein right now.
But no one, all in

capitals, mentions the pedophilia cases involving other tinseled moguls

because it would completely ruin the industry. That's not true.
It's been mentioned. People have said stuff like that.
They don't have evidence to bring charges.

Okay? This is what happens. It's the same reason why Harvey Weinstein probably won't go to jail.
Like the level of fucking evidence that you need in order to bring charges, okay?

It's a difficult fucking thing when you're dealing with people with that level of power, trying to catch them in the act.

You know, how long do they know that these mafia dons are doing what they're doing?

How often do they know that these fucking oil companies and insurance companies and all of these people, the Catholic Church and all these people are doing, they have money. They got money, dude.

Okay?

So I don't know why you're just singling out Hollywood. What are you, Fox News?

You know, or CNN when they just single out fucking Trump for grabbing pussies?

I don't understand.

If you're going to fucking lay waste, you got to go straight across the board here.

Anyways, it's made this.

But, okay. Watch this documentary if you can find it called An Open Secret.

All right, well, meaning what? That I'm out in Hollywood. I don't know that this shit's going on.

I guess it's an open secret with the people that know those people.

This is a classic fucking guy who watches a goddamn documentary. He's not a fucking lawyer.
He doesn't even know how to present his fucking argument. It's all speculation

that are willing to do anything for fame. Like, where did you get that? You just pulled that out of your ass to support your fucking argument here.

I'm not saying this shit isn't going on, but like, you know,

there's all kinds of people that fly over to these third world countries, evidently, and are doing God knows what with underage

kids.

So I don't know why you're just singling this out. I mean, if you're going to attack this, shouldn't you be against it straight across the fucking board?

Or maybe you're just saying this because the Weinstein thing came about. I don't know what you're doing.
It's the fact that you're downplaying what Harvey Weinstein allegedly did.

That's what's weirding me out here. Anyways, that documentary, An Open Secret, it's made by the same director who made Deliver Us from from Evil, which is about the pedophilia in the Catholic Church.

Well, this director is either fighting the good fight or picking low-hanging fruit here. That movie was released in theaters and got, for the most part, major distribution from film companies.

But an open secret hasn't had a wide release in its two years that it's premiered. Yeah, why do you think?

Why do you think? Why don't you make a fucking documentary about how fucked up the oil industry is and try to get the oil industry to put it up?

They're not going to shoot themselves in the foot. Because at the end of the day, money wins.
All right?

Same way why the NFL acted like they didn't see that Ray Rice fucking thing.

It's still unknown by a majority of the populace. Weinstein is taking the shitstorm.

While the real monsters are saying, phew, good thing we're not in the forefront. It's bullshit.

Okay, I can't understand if you're saying Weinstein shouldn't be, he should be taking a shitstorm, but not the whole shitstorm. I think that's what you're trying to say here.

Corey Feldman and Elijah Wood mentioned pedophilia is running rampant in Hollywood, but no one gives that issue the time of day.

I would actually argue that they're trying to investigate it, but people have such high levels of power.

Because what I've learned from the Harvey Weinstein thing, when I listened to that disgusting tape of him saying, I'm used to this, knowing that that tape wasn't enough to arrest him is,

I mean, you borderline have to catch somebody in the act

when they have that level of money, because then it becomes your word against their word,

and then they have money to tie it up forever in court.

It's terrible. Anyways, Harvey is equivalent to a nerd who's desperate to get laid.

All right, dude, dude, I'm done with this fucking thing. I'm done with this thing.

You know what's funny, sir? In all of this, you're going after these, so you feel that pedophiles should be punished. I agree.

But you feel that creeps like Harvey Weinstein are just, are the equivalent to a nerd who's desperate to get laid?

That's how you view alleged rape? I mean, I don't know. I don't know where you're going with that, sir, but you know,

you wrote a lot of words all right milf question hey bill you fucking cunt

um all right i'm guilty as charged you know what the guy who wrote that harvey weinstein i think we were sitting down sometimes people writing isn't there the best way for them to communicate maybe if we sat down and we actually talked i could understand what the fuck he was saying all right milf question Hey, Bill, you fucking cunt.

I love your podcast and all your stand-ups. Efforts for family is fucking great too.
Thank you. Anyways, I need some advice.

I'm 24 and I work at a bar as a sound guy until I graduate, which is this December. Anyways, last week, a beautiful red-headed woman who's about 40 starts to hit on me.

I give her my number, and lately, I've been texting her. Banging a MELF has always been on my bucket list.

That's just fucking gross to me. I don't know why.
I just think that's fucking gross.

Why you have to bring up the fact that she's a mother and has a kid and you want to fuck her is just weird. Why can't you just say she's hot?

However, this woman is starting to seem like she wants more than just a night or two of fucking. She has a kid, which I don't fucking want to deal with whatsoever.
So here's my question.

How do I deal with this? You fucking walk.

Walk away.

Walk away. And I understand that you're not understanding these red flags because you're 24 years old and your dick is just running the situation.

I'll read the rest of this. He goes, I mean, I want to hook up with her, but I don't really want a relationship with the 40-year-old broad with a kid.
We haven't done anything yet. Great.

Great time to ask for help. He said, but we're going on a date this Friday.
As always, fuck your own face and go Bruins.

Yeah, dude.

I would walk away. I wouldn't even go out with her.
I wouldn't even go out with her. I would just walk the fuck away.

Because I'll tell you right now, you know she wants a relationship. All right? So right now, if you're just going to fuck her and then leave, that's kind of bad.
This is going to be bad karma.

Not that I really believe in.

Well, I kind of do, but I don't. I don't know.

I actually believe you have to believe in karma for it to come back and get you.

Because in reality, bad shit's going to happen anyways. And you'll be like, oh, that's my karma.

I would,

yeah, I'd either break break that date off or I would tell her

beforehand, which is going to piss her off, and then she's not going to bang, anyways.

The time to have had that conversation in the future, sir, when you meet an older woman and they know what the fuck they want,

when they're hitting on you, whatever, you just let them know you're single and you're just trying to have fun, you're not trying to get into a relationship. And you just throw that out there.

And if they still jump on the fucking hook, pull them into the boat. If not, you gotta catch and release.
Catch and release. All right.
Is that it? Is that the podcast for this week? God damn it.

Did I do enough friggin' time?

All right. I have a lot of people to thank this week.
I want to thank all you guys for listening. I want to thank everybody who's going to be coming out to the podcast festival in Phoenix.

I want to thank Primus for putting on a fucking amazing show.

We got to go backstage, me and Dean, and meet him for a second. They were the nicest, coolest fucking people ever.
Everybody around him, everybody was awesome.

Jimmy Vaughn, another great guy. Another amazing show.
Thank you for the amazing show. Thank you to him and his wife for being so cool and being such great,

just great people.

Everybody at F1, I just had a fucking great time. Got to give a shout out.
Thank you to Will Buxton for throwing in the Ricky Rocket

for the Daniel Ricardo intro.

And that's it.

I'll check in on you guys on Thursday. What about the fucking Rams?

The Los Angeles Rams.

What would happen if they actually sold out that giant fucking stadium for a regular season game? Come on, Los Angeles. They're from there.

They left once. You got your old girlfriend back.
Treat her right.

Treat her right. All right, that's it.
Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on

Thursday.

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast. I can't believe I'm saying this, but we are going into week number eight.
It feels like yesterday.

With your host, me, Paul Verze, over here. Bill Burr over there.
We have Jake the Snake with our injury report, as always.

And of course, you know, Jake the Snake is on top of things and Andrew Themlis, our great producer,

somewhere in Beverly Hills. Bill Burr, congratulations.
Three weeks in a row for three and one. I thought I was going to be there with you, but I ended up going two and two.

And

yeah, you're on a hot run there, bud. Well, I'm either losing every game or going three and one.
I'm very streaky. Three and one, three weeks in a row, and I still don't even think I'm 500.

There's no in-between with you. You either get all the baseball or you strike out looking.
Well, Paul, I run hot and cold.

You either strike out looking and the fans go, what the fuck? Or you just upper decker.

Well, Paul, I am so like fucking,

at least I got baseball, dude. That's all I can say.
I'm watching football and hockey, and it's just, it's just not, it's just

hockey. There's no hitting, there's no fighting, there's no fucking red line, the stupid ass, the stretch paths is the Eurostep of fucking hockey.

You sit there on the side, you're going like this, dude, like you're watching tennis. All the beauty of the game, all the physical, it's fucking gone, dude.

It's all finesse because all these non-hockey watching motherfuckers every four fucking years during the Olympics, they're like, if this is how they played hockey, oh, I would watch every game. What?

If there was a Hall of Famer at every fucking position and it wasn't too violent for you so what do they do paul i'm on one they just they totally capitulate to these fucking people and

dude it's a snooze fest

oh that's terrible creativity like some of these guys they're they're unbelievable some of the best players i've ever seen but the lack of physical play

Dude, they have a division called the Metropolitan.

Why don't you just call it the fucking Manscaped division?

Dude, and then I watched the replay. I'm going to be Grumpy Bill, more grumpy than you.
I watched the fucking end of that Giants

Broncos.

Dude, that is marketing applied to NFL football. Let's like, let's just make every fucking game.

Come down to the end. Dude, there was a minute 51 left in the game.
There was three possessions. Oh, it hurt me.
Dude, it used to be. No, no, no.
Listen, Paul. It used to be a two-minute offense.

And you needed Montana or Elway. You needed a great quarterback, Mourinho, somebody to fucking, and you had two minutes to go down the fucking field.

And if you didn't get a first down, the fucking game was over. There's a minute 51 left.
This is what they say. Guy goes, plenty of time left.

So the fucking guy goes down the field. They score a touchdown.
Now there's like, I don't know what that was left, under a minute. And the guy, plenty of time.

He has like 38 seconds left. Yeah.
And they go down the field again, score a touchdown. Then the other team, was it the Broncos come up

and they go like, right now it'll be a 56-yarder. And the other guy goes, which is well within his range.
I know.

In the history of football, Paul, 56-yarder has never been well within anybody's range.

You could do it, but it would be like, and then they always go, in practice, I mean, I saw him hit a 62-yarder and plenty of leg left.

It's all designed, Paul, to get you to, and the game ends at 0-0-0. And you watched every single fucking commercial.

I do it. I'm just not buying it.
And I feel like

the league knew that everyone was tired of the fucking Chiefs and the preferential treatment.

So they take the gloves off and they let the Eagles expose them for what the fuck they are in the Super Bowl.

Okay?

And then what happened? Now they were looking, okay, maybe it's time to turn the page in the AFC, the Bills and the Ravens. Neither one of them can get it done

they're not sexy there's no fucking flavor whatever and then all of a sudden here come the chiefs dude the chiefs play a game dude they played an nfl football game they got zero flags

for the whole game dude not one false start never held anybody

it's nuts dude i'm telling you right now the chiefs i'm calling it right now chiefs are going to win another super bowl because they're going to need to be like you know is this guy gonna do what's never never been done before?

30? It's going to be that.

Dude, I remember when I was a kid, a 47-yarder, 47-yarder, like, oh, this is a coin toss. Now they're like 57, 58, like pinning them.
Those footballs, they take them out of a, they're floaties.

They take them out of a kiddie pool. They take them out of a fucking refrigerator.
Dude, what the fuck are they doing with the ball? Like, how in three years did human beings' legs

No, they didn't.

Let's talk about the Toronto Blue Jays who were bugging me. And here's why.
Here's why. Dude, they got bats.

Here's why they're bugging me. Okay.
It's not about... It's, I don't even mind.
Why would I hate the Toronto Blue Jays? But here's the thing. Oh, you're such an easygoing guy.
I can't imagine why.

They're in Canada. What do I care? But here's the thing.
Okay. Here's the thing, Bill.
They do the champagne on the head with Frank Sinatra playing. Fine.
It's a little dig. Pardon me.

Nothing fine, Paul.

No. Nothing fine with that.
Tell the listeners what they were in Yankee Stadium. They were in the locker room.
Yeah. They played New York, New York.
They played New York, New York.

They were dumping champagne. But then, this is the thing.

I was willing to let that go. Young kids excited.
But then, during an interview, the Yankees lose one of them go. And I'm going, all right.
And then the straw that broke the camel's back.

Did I say that right?

Yes, you did. Okay, good.
Because you know me with those. The straw that broke the camel's back is after they win against the Mariners, they're in the streets screaming, fuck the Yankees.
So I, I.

All of like Toronto fans were in the thing going, fuck the Yankees. Oh, wait a minute, Paul.
Those are Canadians.

They're really nice people up there. Why would they do something like that I have three words to say let's go dodgers

I

gave him the Frank Sinatra uh I've had it but they do have bats dude they do have bats I got to give it to him dude I think it's gonna be

I think it's gonna be a series I'm hoping it's gonna be a series I mean it's dude you have to watch

what El Tani did in that game four like that that's like nobody in the turn of the last century has ever done that dude I was talking you were right about that you were on it like in real time but i i actually like had to process the guy threw six shutout innings and hit three home runs one which went out of this over the stadium more home runs than hits he let up in a playoff game dude in the end he's all nonchalant he's just like high five and like he got a single or two dude

Yeah, I mean, nobody's ever done that. That's the craziest.

Dude,

they signed him to a three-quarters of a billion-dollar contract, and he's worth it,

dude. Like mowing people down, too, like an ace.
It's like an ace pitcher. It's really unbelievable, dude.
I gotta actually see that guy live. I actually know, I did see him live.

I think I saw him live at the stadium. I think, I think he went yard.
He's only gonna pitch a couple games, and he only gets up three, four times a game. So,

you know how they handle Barry Bonds, they just walk the guy. So,

I'm really looking like this is is like the challenge for the manager.

On

I don't think it's this foregone conclusion that

because

they have this Paul Bunyan guy,

you guys have Aaron Judge, literally a Paul Bunyan-looking guy. It's like the guy, but those guys, they only get up.
Yeah.

Pitch two. That's the thing.
He pitches. He can actually win two games in the series with his arm and then when he win the other two with his bat.

I mean, mean it's like dude it's the last time in a century where someone's like all right dude our picture's coming up soon

listen barry bonds was the greatest yeah home run hitter i ever like just like if you watch him now when he's like breaking down at bats like knowing like what is coming now you're doing this you're working me up there it's it's incredible it's just a shame that like i i've always felt he was a victim of the steroid era because he was the best guy and then other people cheated and passed him.

The president was calling them. And then I felt like he was like, All right, it here's me on steroids.
Yep.

And you know, he wasn't as likable as a Maguire and a Sosa. Dude, they walked him with bases loaded in the playoffs.
That's the craziest shit I've ever heard. Well, I would say

Barry Bonds,

as far as like

hitting display,

I mean, that's Barry Bonds, Reggie,

and Otani.

But the fact that he also pitched seven innings, oh, six, seven innings, that's like Bo Jackson shit. Even Bo Jackson didn't do that.
Bo Jackson and different sports, but like.

Yeah.

That's like back in the day, the old NFL, when guys would start both ways.

Yeah. And dude, it's not like he pitched, it's not like he pitched six innings and gave up two runs and five hits.
He pitched six scoreless innings.

It's crazy, man. I didn't get how they take him out as a pitcher, but he's still in the game as a hitter.
Is that some new, like, have they ever had to have a rule like that? It's crazy.

Yeah, like he changed, like, they were like, he's got to be in because he's on the, yeah, he changed it. It's nuts.

Yeah, I'm rooting for the dots.

Also, dude, a shortstop for the Seattle Mariners hit 60 home runs this year.

Really?

Yeah,

I think they're kind of like, you know, every once in a while, they kind of like,

they massage your sport. I don't know, dude, 60 fucking home runs as a shortstop.

Yeah, that's, that's, uh,

those are two teams I didn't really even pay attention to, but the Dodgers have been good all year from wire to wire, so it'll be good. It actually starts tonight.

The Dodgers had a couple, like, I don't think they played too well in the beginning of the year.

Then they started to dip towards the end of the season, but they they were resting their players so yeah i don't know well world series world series game one tonight uh enjoy that but bill we have a task here to do and before we do it we have to shout out the boston bruins to play some goddamn defense

dude we started we started league we started three and all i'm like all right hey they made the they made some off-season move dude which was standing around puck check chasing jackasses one guy's got the puck on the other team two guys go in and then they leave the guy out in front of the net.

That's what I do.

Bill, I'm not going to lie. You know, I'm a hoodie guy, right?

I mean, I can't take my eyes off your hoodie. How comfortable, soft it looks.
I love the color. I mean, I can't take my eyes off it.
I'm big five. Fuck that Lululemon shit, dude.
You go to big five.

You can change your oil with this thing. You just a little fucking spray, throw it in the thing.
You're good. Dude, I can't take my eyes off it.
All right. Here's the deal.
Oh, it's compelling.

Before, yeah, it's cozy. It's big.
I like a big, I like a, I like roomie. I like roomie.
Life's too hard. I like a little comfort.
You know,

I like competition. I like sports.

I don't like fucking

analytics.

I don't need every game to come down to three, two, one.

I like a seven-footer under the, under the fucking basket, throwing elbows with another seven-footer. I don't want to watch some fucking skinny Dutch guy.

shooting a three-pointer from half court and it goes in. Fantastic.
Fantastic. Now bring out the lady on the unicycle with the fucking plates on her head.

That's what I'm watching right now instead of a game. The Red Panda.
Here's the deal. I'm going to stay with you.
Red Panda is more entertaining. Yeah.
What you just said is so perfect.

And I'm going to say this and some people aren't going to like it. But if the Detroit Lions, which I think they might, if the Detroit Lions do not win a Super Bowl in this

Dan Campbell era, Jared Goff era. Amon St.

Brown era, it is because he couldn't help himself and he did not want to kick a fucking 35-yard field goal when it was fourth and three in the NFC championship game two different times.

Don't get me on this, Bill. I know, but Paul, that just got him to the Super Bowl.
I understand that, but you got to start to realize. You got to look at the thing.
Analytics, no good.

All right.

I love that. You got to understand.
You got to look at the thing. You got to see what's going on.
All right, guys, before we get started, we want to thank Bet MGM and shout them out.

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This is an even week, which means I believe I go first.

And, you know,

I thought that I was going to come roaring. Come on here.
I'm sorry. Geez.

I thought I was going to come roaring back with, you know, a nice 4-0, 3-1. It didn't happen.
I went 2-2. No harm, no foul, but I'm still 11 back.
Bill, you are, I think, four games back.

You are right there. Jake the Snake is killing it.
Andrew is killing it.

I am the dead weight on this podcast, but I'm coming back. Here we go.
My first pick going into week eight. Dude, I can't believe the year is done already.
This is nuts.

Bill, have you seen these lines? 14.5, 12 and a half, a lot of seven and a half, so a lot of points. Oh, yeah.
Colts and Chiefs are big-time favorites.

Dude, the Colts are 14 and a half point favorites. Daniel Jones losing one game.

Jones, dude, I've been wrong a lot.

It's been a long time since I was that wrong. And he looks comfortable.
He's just standing there looking around, whipping it around.

All right, I'm going to take for the first game. Oh, wait a minute.

How dare us? How dare us not bring Jake the Snake in for injury? Jake, I apologize. Jake,

I apologize.

No, no, no. You know what? I'm, I'm, I got, I'm talking about not going for the points with the field goal.
Go ahead, Jake. How are you, buddy? Doing good, doing good.

Um, you know, I'm excited for the World Series. I'm a Dodger guy, so um, you know, I was happy to hear you guys talk, talk, talk about my guy Otani.

It feels like we might be the only two to three people who want the Dodgers to win, I guess. You know, a lot of people say we're ruining baseball or whatever, but um, that is how it is what it is.

Um, but um, yeah, it'll be that'll be exciting. Why are you

because of the amount of money you spent? Yeah, that's what they'll say. Even though there's a lot of teams that spend just as much money as the Dodgers, which is like, you know, kind of surprising.

But, you know, like the Mets didn't even make the playoffs. They spent just as much.
They spend the most by a lot, dude. Come on.
What's that? You're spending the most by a lot.

I mean, yeah, they do spend a lot. But, you know, we want a world.

Come on.

Listen. What your argument should be is, what about the fucking Red Sox and Yankees in the late 90s, early 2000s?

We were spending crazy $180 and $200 million back when that copy was on. My real argument is when we won a World Series in 2020 with all drafted players, they claim that's a fake World Series.

So now that we're spending all this money, you know, and you know, why is it a World Series?

Because it was during COVID or whatever. People will say, oh, it's a fake ring or whatever.
But that was like all the guys who drafted were there, which is like so stupid.

No, the fake one is the first Astros one.

And that was exactly. And we had all drafted players for that one.

Anyway, this gets me fired up. But yeah, we look good.
I thought you saw you getting a little heated there. I thought

it was just like, you know, what's a real ring? What's a fake ring? The Astros ring is a real ring. And then, you know, 2024 is a fake ring.
Like, so I don't know.

Like complaining about the United States. It's time to get patriotic.
I'm rooting for the Dodgers. I love it.

Give Jake the snake a beer in a bar and let him say how he really feels.

Well, my teams actually have a chance, so they'll get a fire episode. Dodgers and Chargers.

Did you see the t-shirt merch that somebody made of you with the snake and the football? Yes, whoever made that, shout out. That looks incredible.
I'll definitely get a shirt as soon as that drops.

It looks great.

Gonna make it to any of the games.

Which

Dodgers? Oh, probably not. I mean, those are like thousands of dollars, unfortunately.
But

a couple of phone calls, see what we can do.

All right.

The fuck are we doing here? You give us the injury report every goddamn week. I can't get you a couple tickets to see a ball game.
Jake,

if you don't walk into Dodger Stadium with your newly fresh open Jake the Snake t-shirt from this show, I don't know what's the world coming to.

I want to dress like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. I want

a white shirt, button down, short sleeve with black frame glasses. Were you guys talking about that movie? Because I remember I had that movie on my list and I watched it.

I was like, this movie's awesome. It must have been you guys who are talking about it.
That's a great movie.

It's one of those fucking, that movie is the epitome of how dumbass white people view the power structure.

They look down and think the problem is instead of fucking looking up.

What they're looking down, you're looking at the results of the cunts above you and the cunts above you keep going yeah it's them it's them

that's what it is

uh no

who's who's who's hurt jake

yeah so lamar has been out the last few weeks but he's expected to come back finally against the bears third season's on the line at uh one and five so i think i think he's good to go i think the line also indicates that and then um as you were mentioning the chiefs are 12 and a half my favorites and that's because jayden Daniels is out this week, but they're saying it's not too bad injury.

So hopefully he's back next week. But he's out this week.
So another break for the Chiefs.

Let's see, some other big ones.

That's blood in you.

I just heard that. Another break for the Chiefs.

Yeah, you saw him throw that under there. That was a little scuttle.

Although, I had nothing to positive to say about them either. No, we played him twice a year.

But Panthers are starting Andy Dalton. So Bryce Young is out this week against the Bills.

And then the Jets just continue to not be able to find their way. So they're trying to figure out who their starting quarterback is.
They're between Fields and Tyrod Taylor.

I'm sure they'll announce it sometime this afternoon. But Aaron Glenn was like, oh, it's a

competitive advantage to not announce a starter. So I don't really know what mind games he's playing.
But there you go. And Mac Jones is still starting for the Niners.

And still winning with them. still winning they're five and two

but when he played with the patriots we were not a good team yeah they really got

i'm telling you like that's what they you know they they say like you know being one of the the most coveted quarterbacks in the draft that could literally end your career if you go to the wrong team with no offensive line yeah rg3 type of shit or just maybe you just struggle in obscurity and people it's just so up that you have no offensive line, and people look at you like, oh, you suck.

It's like, I suck

my life here.

And there's no time to develop either. They get like one or two years that everyone's like, oh, he's a bust.

It's like, and you see all these guys like Daniel Jones and Sam Darnold and Baker Mayfield, you know, reduce their careers on real teams. They catch on.
So I was just thinking that if I was a coach,

you know, like a great way to get a number one draft pick

at quarterback for nothing is after three years of him running for his life.

Like, look at the Colts stole that guy. Who knew? Who knew? All right.

All right.

Dude, like, Daniel Jones said something that he didn't, he's a good guy. He didn't want to throw the Giants under the bus, but he goes like this.

He goes, Yeah, he goes, you know, the quarterback play. He goes, I thought I was working out and doing everything I needed to do before the games.

He goes, then when I went to Minnesota, he goes, oh, I realize there's another level to this.

And then he goes, when I got to Indianapolis, like the coaches were, he basically just said the Giants just didn't have him prepared. And,

you know,

Saquon goes away, wins a fucking.

It's sickening. All right.

Fuck. Going through a tough time, man.
It happens. It happens.
That Broccoli loss, man. I feel for you, man.
That's terrible.

But, you know, you got a good quarterback now.

listen the buffalo bills are coming off of two straight losses

and they have a bye week to figure out some of the the the obviously the wrinkles in their defense they're playing a panthers team with the backup quarterback if they don't win this game by a touchdown or more they're not the bills who were basically afc favorites for the super bowl i see josh allen and the bills going into this game and kicking the shit out of the panthers by at least two touchdowns uh if they don't i got to see it so i'm going to take josh allen the buffalo Buffalo Bills, minus seven, minus a touchdown against the Carolina Panthers backup quarterback.

All right, cool.

I'm going with the tail of two Joes.

I'm going with the Bengals taking Joe Flacco minus six and a half at home in Cincinnati. I see him eating some ribs by himself afterwards, enjoying his quiet time after another victory.

I just don't think the Jets turn it around this week. I hope they don't go 0-17, but

I just don't see them doing anything turning that ship around. So I'm going to go with the Bengals.
Minus six and a half, Joe Burrow.

Flacco. Nice.
Flacco. Sorry, Joe Flacco.

Look, I hate to go back-to-back favorites. You know, favorites give me the Willies,

but I'm going to do it.

I mean, no, I don't know, dude. I don't know, man.
They're one in five. Bill Parcells, what did Bill Parcells always say? You are what your record is.
The Ravens are one in five, dude. Um,

you know what? I'm going to think on that one. I'm going to take the Dallas Cowboys getting three and a half against the Broncos.

As much as everybody's saying the Broncos are good, I know what they did to my Giants.

They're a team. I don't know, man.
C.D. Lamb is back.
I'm going to take the

rival Cowboys getting three and a half.

All right. I like the 49ers.

Minus two against the Texans.

I like the way Mac Jones.

You're plus two. You're getting points.

Oh, plus two. Sorry.
Plus two. Yeah.
I just like

the way Mac Jones is playing out there. And I know that they have a bunch of injuries and shit,

but

I don't know. I just,

I

know their coach does a little bit of that Marty ball shit every once in a while, but it's only two points, so I think I'll be all right.

Oh,

I

I keep thinking that they're favorites

getting two points. I'll take it.

All right.

I'm going to take the Baltimore Ravens with Lamar Jackson coming back. This is their season on the line.
They're at home against the Bears.

Yeah, it's another one of those. You got to show me your hand.
I got to see the river. So there you go.

All right.

My next pick, dude. I hate this number.
I wish it was six and a half, but it's seven. The New England Patriots at home.

You know, we're playing great. So what do people do? They got, oh, they got to fuck the easiest schedule in the NFL.

It's just like, well, what, you know, all the praise they heap on the fucking Chiefs, like they save all their fucking criticism for the Pats. It's like, I don't understand.
Like,

I just don't get it. Nobody's giving Vrabel any fucking credit.
They're just saying they got the fucking easiest schedule. Well, great.
Fantastic. I'm going to watch another easy victory.

The Pats fight more than seven at home

over the Cleveland Browns.

Bill, you're just picking games with confidence. I see it in your shoulders.
I see it in your face.

You're just, you're a guy picking who just went three and one three weeks in a row, and you can see it. Well, I'm a broken man.

What you're seeing is a man who doesn't care anymore.

I'm going to take, you know what? This is an interesting game, and I'm going to take it, and I'm going to take the points. Aaron Rodgers going against his former team in Pittsburgh.

I think he wants to beat him. I think the Steelers are going to show up for him.
They lost a kind of a heartbreaker after he had an almost unbelievable comeback.

I'm going to take the Steelers at home, getting three points against the Packers. I think Aaron Rodgers kind of shows up, and there's a little extra pep in his step for this game.

I think the crowd's going to be behind it, and I like them getting the points. So, that is my fourth and final pick.
Look, I took two favorites and two dogs. What do you want from me?

You also took two games that I wanted. Oh, shit.

I was looking at that

Packers Steelers game. So, Paul, you know what? This is going to come down to Giants, Eagles, the Dolphins, Falcons.

And

I don't like division rivalries with that many points. Seven and a half.
I kind of like the Giants with that quarterback and that fullback. It's in Philly.

I'm going to stay away from that one. I don't know why.

I'm going to take the Dolphins getting seven and a half points against the fucking Falcons because they're the Falcons because they should win by 10. And instead, they're only going to win by 6.

They're on the fucking road. The Dolphins are reeling.
It doesn't make any fucking sense. And that's why they're going to cover.
Oh, okay. I like it.
I thought you were going to go foul.

We have to have every plenty of time left, Paul. There's plenty of time.
Phil, there's 16 seconds left. Anything could happen.
Time. I mean,

I know if they get out of bounds, there could be three more possessions.

Dude, they're down 10, and there's a minute.

19. This is well within their field goal kickers range.
I mean, he was kicking 90 yards during practice. They're just telling you these stories.
You said, oh, my God, I don't want to miss this.

It's so true.

All right. Well, there you have it.
Those are our picks.

What do we got here? We have two. No, actually, Monday Night Football is not doing two games anymore.
That is over. So now we have the Kansas.
Oh, Bill, you got to sing it.

You know what time it is, Bill. Oh, here we go.
Let the Monday Night Spare Show

win some money for you. Oh, let that Monday Night Spare Show win some fucking money for you.

There's a big line, guys. This is one of the biggest lines we've had on a Monday night special.
Actually, this is the biggest line we've ever had on a Monday night special. 12 and a half points.

The Kansas City Chiefs. Do we dare take the Commanders?

No,

this is going to be the big. The Chiefs are back.
They got their feet underneath them.

Is Jaden Daniels back or no? No, that's why the line's so high. Marcus Mariota's starting.

So, and he looked terrible against, who was that? The Cowboys. Yeah, he did not play well.
So

hard to imagine the Cancers cover.

All right.

How is the Chiefs' defense?

Pretty good. When they get shovel passing or scampering down the field for a fucking first down when all the receivers are covered.
That is the underrated thing about the Chiefs.

They're probably like a top 10 defense, you know, around that range. And they also got Rashid Rice back.
They got their number one wide receiver back, too. So they're fully loaded here.

All right. And I feel like I just, I don't believe in any of this shit anymore.
I think it's all fucking storylines. So they have to win.
They have to win big.

There's going to be a lot of this, not focusing in on this, this fucking fingering somebody.

Well, the ideal, the ideal,

the ideal outcome for the NFL is the Chiefs win by like 10.

There

next to Devon McIntyre, next to fucking fucking

somebody else.

Guys, what about taking the.

Just hear me out on this.

What about taking the 12 and a half points at Marcus Mariota? I mean, is there any kind of level of like pride that the

there's nothing worse than betting on the Chiefs and having to root for that fucking musical?

I mean, because here's the deal. If the commanders come out and score first, we're in pretty good shape.

I took the Raiders last week thinking there's no way that the Chiefs were going to cover that, and they did.

So, I don't know. Two spreads that big in the week.
Paul, why does he do this? Did they not know that after every fucking play they do a huddle?

Yeah, I think it's 12.

Yeah, yeah,

it's before they realize that the other team should challenge it.

Are the commanders with Mariota better than the Raiders?

Well, yeah, they did. They beat the Commanders with Mariota did beat the Raiders.
Okay, well, that's that's a very good thing. What's the over-under

on the amount of penalties called on the Chiefs? What is it? One?

I'm going to say two, maybe three.

Take the under.

I think we take the commanders with the points just so we have points in our bag. Let's do it.
That sounds fun.

Yeah, let's root for Washington over the, you know, listen, Chiefs could win by 10. We win.

Would you want to

have

yeah,

let's, you know, that's a lot of points. Double-digit points, two scores.
I mean,

if they win by 12,

I think we still get the money. If they win by 12.4, we get them by a point one.

Did Mariota look horrific or no?

He didn't look good.

He's overthrowing people. You know, he's got a little bit of mobility, so he can extend the play, as they say, but

he had some ugly balls.

And I'm not talking junk.

All right, so that's one leg. I mean, we probably have to do Mahomes the throw on.
But I would say for a backup quarterback, that's what I was thinking when he came into the game.

I'm like, that's fucking, that's a solid backup to have Marcus Mariota. I mean, he played like, he started for at least three seasons.

But the Titans, he was there before, you know, whatever happened, happened. You need to go over two and a half to get plus money.
So

maybe, maybe do Mahomes to throw two touchdowns.

We get Mahomes to run one, and that's not, that could be, that could be not terrible. Sure.

We already hit that. We already hit that one, though.
We hit him to run one and throw one. What about Rashi Rice to catch one? And Mahomes.
What the fuck are we taking the Commanders for?

And then betting on the offense for the fucking

good point. Good point.

Dude, I don't think the Commanders are going to cover this game. I'm sorry.
No,

I don't want to jinx it, but. You think it's going to be a bloodbath?

I just think three scores easy. What if we did an alt line of 14 and a half for the Chiefs? And then, like, do you want to put some other scores? You know what, Jake, Jake, you know what?

I think Bill and Andrew might be on to something, dude. Let's just

suck it up. Let's just take the, let's just go with the bloodbath.
Let's just go. Let's just go

for like four touchdowns the front is this high can you still do a money line

yeah

but that's you know awesome

yeah i mean the odds will be

like five grand to win 20 bucks

exactly

minus 40 000.

let's do let's do it like this dude let's bill's right we're betting on every chief to do something good let's just go chiefs to win by two touchdowns, Mahomes to throw one, Rashi Rice to catch one.

Virtus going for the bloodbath? I hate this game. Let's just go for the bloodbath.

To make a rational decision, and what you just said is what everybody thinks is going to happen. And if what everybody thinks is going to happen, casinos couldn't stay open.

All right. So you want to do this? You want to do this? I'm ready to do this.
You want to do a 360, a 180, whatever you want to call it. Let's do.

Let's do. Come right back to the Chiefs bet.
Let's do Commanders.

Let's get.

Come right back to

Paul. Talk us out of it.
And then Jake's going to talk about it.

You know what?

You know what? You're so right. Let's do this.
Let's do. Let's take the points and Mariota to throw one.

Hey, okay.

How about that? How about Mariota shows up in Kansas City and starts to overachieve?

So, Commanders plus 12 and a half. Commanders plus 12 and a half.
Mariota to throw one. And then just so we cover the bet, we get Mahomes to throw one.

Dude, Mariota is going to get leveled the first play.

Guard him off the field. I don't know.

And then they're going to fly and go flappo. And I like it.

All right. Is that what we're doing?

No, Bill just made the most sense. Everybody in America is taking the Chiefs to do this.

Let's go the other way. Yeah.

I'm in.

All right.

Mariota to throw one.

Marcus Mariota to throw three.

Marcus Mariota to have a career game. No, we'll do Mariota to throw one.
Cornerback controversy.

And then what do you guys want the third one to be? You guys pick the third one. I say the points in Mariota.
We've got to do something to kill it.

Okay, the Chiefs are going to win, but they're not going to cover. So, you got to look at it that way.
You got the commanders.

Then you got to do like

fucking up, God. You got to say that Patrick Mahomes is going to do something.

Totally.

Yeah, I'm looking at. I'm trying, Andrew's scrolling, so I'm curious to see what comes up.

What are some options?

Can we do some yardage stuff, maybe? Interceptions.

Mariota. Over

one half.

Over half an interception. I don't want to take a guy.
I don't want to take a guy to throw one, but then also throw a pick. Let's

let's. This is, dude, this is the, you know what? This is the biggest

hand to shit, the bed.

What's Mahomes?

This is the longest we've ever done the Monday Night Special because the line is so long. All right, here's the deal.
Points. We take the points.
We take Mariota.

And then maybe we do something with the, you want to just do Rashi Rice to catch one or Mahomes to throw one? Mahomes over 257. It's pretty low.
That is pretty low. He'll do that in the first half.

That's why it's minus 250.

I like that, though.

Mariota 142. Oh, sir.

I like that it's only 257. They must know something.
Yeah, I don't. That's.

All right, so fuck it then. Fuck it.
Let's, let's, yeah, we'll take the commanders.

Mahomes to throw one, and we just need one more thing.

We didn't marry one. Mario to throw one.

You don't think he's gonna run it?

Let's do, let's do that. Let's just do Mahomes yards.
It's kind of low. Or we could do, or we could do the under if we really want to be crazy.

Life's too short to take the under, Dan Katz. Yeah, that's right.

What is the over-under? over-under

257 from a home guard

no what's the over under oh i thought you meant like uh total score yeah what is a total score oh um

42 48 48. um

that's probably going under i'm not great with totals but yeah i think that's under two Well, we're going to take the commanders. Why not take the fucking under two? There you go.
All right.

I like it. Commanders, the under and then what mariota

throw one

perfect yeah that works

all right jesus christ this was like negotiating a contract i was just gonna say this is like the war room we're sitting here trying to figure this out also uh logo shirts up on the merch store link will be in the description There you go, guys.

Go to the link. Go to the link.
Get the shirt. Oh, it's a nice shirt.
And you know, I'm a sucker for cream. Cream color shirt?

Yep. And we're working on on the Jake the Snake one, too.
But go to the merch store and get that, guys, and download the app, the Bet MGM app, and use code BUR. B-U-R-R.
Put as little as $10 in.

And if you lose that bet, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets. Also, check out the first touchdown.
You pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown, you win.

If they get the second touchdown and not the first, you'll get your cash back. Bet responsibly.
Have a great time. You have our picks.
Monday night special.

We are taking the Washington Commanders, getting 12.5. We are taking Marcus Mariota to throw one, and we are taking under 48 points.

Who knows? There you go. Marian bet.
I like it. It's a wild, wild bet.

We're going against Vegas here.

There you go.

There you go, guys. Bet responsibly.
Have a great time. Enjoy the games, and we will see you for week number nine.
I can't even believe I'm saying that. Take care.

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