MBMBaM 778: Face 2 Face: Yellin’ at the Kellen Felons

The McElroy Brothers are not experts,

and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert,

but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

What turkey fits the side

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed.

It's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

Life,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better with you.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Welcome to my brother, my brother made an advice show from the Modron era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tyler McElroy.

What a thrill it is to be here in Atlanta, Georgia!

What's up, Trav Nation?

I'm your middlest brother, Travis, big dog, Wolf Wolf, Vern Vern McElroy.

Thank you.

And I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin, Built for Tough McElroy.

And just a quick shout-out to all my road dogs sitting up at the top balcony.

I think it's two people.

Do we have two road dogs up in the top balcony?

Awesome.

I have a super.

Can you say ARV, ARF?

That's simply not correct.

They couldn't hear from all the way up there what everyone else was saying.

I'm so excited to be here with you guys.

And I wanted to begin this evening by sharing something with you.

I kind of feel like our show is an aggregator for all the quality media in the world.

Like if you watch our show, you kind of get everything that's happening.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's a conduit for the monoculture, Justin.

Yeah, absolutely.

If the monoculture is Wonka and or Joker.

So this one.

I can imagine those two together.

Oh, the Wonker.

He's so fucking twisted, dude.

Get away from those.

When you eat a candy, you die.

Don't get away from those.

Kids, Wonker.

To be fair, that holds true of Wonka.

Yeah, actually, can't be aware of that.

This confluence leads to stories that come across my desk that may not be huge headlines elsewhere, but might as well be like the Hindenburg in terms of the weight of the import of this story.

And that is the story I'm going to bring to you.

This story, this video story that I have edited personally, so everything you see in this video was hand-selected by me to appear in the video.

Awesome.

It was edited just to speed things along.

No context really has been removed.

Okay.

And there are three discussion breaks within where we can kind of discuss.

Oh, cool.

I love a discussion break.

I don't think we do that enough with them.

So make it easier on Paul.

I have a discussion break.

Yeah, for sure.

I have no idea what's about to appear on this screen, and I can't wait.

Slash.

Okay, oh, wait.

One last announcement.

Wait, one last thing.

I want to say this.

This video is from an interview conducted by MPR, and I think it's a great example of why it is so important to support public media.

But I have to say, also, Harrison Ford's on the screen for those of you at home.

And Harrison Ford has reached a level of gives no shits during interview that I hope to someday reach.

Where someone asks him a question, he's like, I don't know, man, I get paid to be there.

Not a question.

I also just

do want to request when the video is playing, there's no discussion, as we do have discussion breaks built in.

Right, sure.

Thank you for making space for us.

And I should point out, this is not one of them.

Jay Leno is calling you right now?

I bought my toilet seat.

What?

Okay.

So this is our first discussion, Bray.

All I can summon is my reaction to this woman who is acting like Jay Leno is like the biggest name drop anyone could do.

Like if you found out the Judeo-Christian God was calling Harrison Ford to talk about his toilet seat, that's the reaction.

As the story progresses, this woman will be proven to be far wiser than you.

So yeah, Jade Leno is calling Harrison Ford about his toilet seat, and she asked what?

And is that the best theory you guys have?

All right, let's see what's next.

I didn't know this was a theory break.

Yeah, do you want us to solve it?

Yeah, next now, it'll be it'll be revealed in the next discussion break.

Yeah, Jay's printing

a

3D printed toilet seat for me.

Why is he printing a toilet seat for you?

So,

first of all, Jay Leno,

first of all, Jay Leno appearing in the maker space

is, he's already made so much

that he is a participant in the maker space is so fucking cool.

I also can't get over how strongly the vibe Harrison Ford is giving off of, I actually don't want to talk about this.

Yeah.

And she's like, nope, fuck that, Harrison Ford.

She's a hero.

That's what I'm saying.

She's really clung on to something that is very crucial that the world needs to know.

But it's the equivalent if I was in the middle of an interview and I said like, oh, my wife texted me and told me to like pick up sour cream on the way home.

And someone was like, what?

Like they're really crying.

I'm going to taste sour cream.

Except in this circumstance, it's Jay Leno 3D printing a toilet seat for Harrison Ford.

Yeah, Jay Leno is 3D printing a toilet seat for Harrison Ford.

What's he following up on?

What's Jay Leno like measurements?

What's their relationship like?

Even a little bit at all, I wonder.

I love you guys.

You both have 3D printers.

You ain't never made any toilet parts for me.

But all I would say, Griffin, is the text message thread would be, hey, I'm going to 3D print you a toilet seat.

The 3D printed toilet seat is done.

Yeah, this is a true.

I don't know what the middle part that's happening right now.

We're going to live in this discussion break for a minute just so you guys know.

Why is Jay Leno

calling Harrison Ford about his 3D printed toilet seat?

What is so essential that he's like, listen, it would take too long if we tried to do it in text message, so let's just...

I thought I'd just get you on the horn.

Just whip through it.

it.

You'll know you want this, Spike.

You want to just hold it up to your button.

I'll take a 3D scan with your phone.

None of them were good.

But if you play them at the same time,

let's see why Harrison Ford is getting a toilet seat 3D printed by Jay Leno.

Because I asked him.

Okay.

Because

I hadn't seen him in 12 years

since he left his show.

But I remember that

he's got Jay's garage.

Yeah, he has a lot of cars.

Jay Leno has Thomas Edison's steam engine that was used to light the two square blocks at the World's Fair when electricity was first.

He's into machines.

So he's got these 3D cases.

And I had this toilet seat for the toilet that is not in production anymore.

And the toilet seat has discolored in a way that is really unattractive.

Yeah.

I can't find the toilet seat anywhere.

I couldn't, I tried for years.

And friends in the plumbing industry helped me to try and get those.

Where the hell am I?

Can I 3D print this?

Ah,

Jay Leno.

I remembered seeing this stuff at Jay.

The first time I ever heard about 3D printing was Jay.

That was a brutal fucking slog without a discussion break, Justin.

The fucking spacing of these discussion breaks is diabolical.

I like it.

Where to start?

Each piece of information is building off the last piece of information.

It's the last time the information spiral stops because each piece of information is built on the one before it.

I would like to,

I don't want to, we don't need to rewatch the whole thing, but there is a moment where you can watch

regret at the amount of attention she has paid to this

wash over the interviewer.

If we could restart that clip, Paul, I think I can highlight that.

I just want to, I'm just, oh God, there's so much more.

What?

Why is this an hour long?

Keep going, keep going.

I really want to hear he's going to be.

Keep going, keep going, a little bit more.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty good, too.

There's a lot of really good stuff.

Working real hard.

I really, really...

When she says the phrase, oh, he's in the machine.

He's in the machine.

He's in the machine.

You can watch.

It's like, oh, I'm going to talk to grandpa about what he's into lately.

And he starts talking about model trains in a way of like, oh, no, I'm on the hook now

to listen to this.

I get that Jay Leno's such a punching bag.

And I understand that.

He's earned it.

But I think it's too much to say out loud on an interview.

I need someone to 3D print a toilet seat.

Who do I think of?

Jay Leno.

Griffin.

So crazy.

It's worse than that.

He starts by saying he has not spoken to Jay Leno in 12 years.

Yeah, man.

So imagine you're Jay Leno.

The notification pops up.

Is there a message?

No, the whole message is.

Han Solo is giving you the call.

Han Solo is giving you the call.

You know.

I haven't talked to Harrison in forever.

I haven't talked to Harrison.

Hey, Harrison, what's up?

Let Justin breathe.

No, let make Travis do it.

You have to do the voice.

Hey, Harrison, what's that?

No, no, no.

I don't know anymore.

It's a cartoon mouse.

I thought about it for two hours.

And then Harrison Morner's just like, hey, Jay,

I've discolored my...

No, wait.

Okay, hold on.

Because that's...

I've discolored my toilet seat.

3D bring me a new one.

Okay, so that was our last discussion break.

If you would take it to the end of that discussion break, because this is the last.

So we don't get to discuss after the last clip?

You can continue to discuss, but we'll call that the podcast, okay?

okay, cool.

Amazing.

It's really hard to make that kind of call.

Hey, Jay Leno, it's me, Harrison Ford.

Ford, when you have

like 15 years ago or something.

And I just want you, what do you want?

I want you to

bring a 3D toilet seat for me.

Okay, awesome.

Presumably.

He embraced the project

in a way that I thought I never could have imagined.

People appeared from the depths out of the shadows and they

got involved in it.

This guy said, you can't do this.

And the other guy said, well, you're going to have to pay at the end.

What?

Wait.

Is that the end?

Yeah, he's got a team of engineers involved.

Yeah, he's got a team of engineers.

Jay Leno's got a team of engineers involved.

And so why is he calling?

It could be for any number of reasons,

that there was a moment where we thought he was going to say something like, it's Harrison Ford from Star Wars.

Yeah.

Well, in his mind, he's calling Jay Leno, and Jay Leno is like, Harrison who?

Oh, from that guy I met 15 years ago.

Yeah.

Not like Con Solo.

You know, now he does say, and this might explain why he has a team working on it, and maybe he misspoke, but he says a 3D toilet seat.

Now, that's interesting, Travis.

I love toilet tech.

You know me.

I do.

A lid that raises up when it senses my proximity.

A bidet of any weight, shape, or size.

Fuck yeah, I'm into it.

But a 3D toilet?

How would that even work, man?

A toilet with depth, width, and height?

Well, and technically duration.

So really 4D.

All toilets are 4D when you think about it.

I am still taking dumps on drawings of toilets.

I didn't include it in the video because it wasn't about her, but the interviewer did ask if the 3D printed toilet seat would be functional or just aesthetic.

And it's like, in what world are you like, here's the toilet I used to poop on?

You can imagine what that would be like.

It's for the museums of Harrison Ford's life.

Hey, everybody, purchase more Harrison Ford movies so he has the residuals to buy a new toilet.

Or his own 3D Portfolio.

His toilet is so old they don't make toilet seats for it anymore.

It's a fairy.

Unless Jay Lino creates a bespoke toilet seat for him, could you buy, I don't know, Ender's game or Battleship?

I think he's in that one.

Whatever you can.

Thank you for bringing this to our channel.

Yeah, you're welcome.

This is important breaking news.

This is also still an advice show, okay?

Yes, thank you.

Thank you for your approval.

It takes us a minute sometimes to get around to it, but it is.

But we do get there eventually.

This is our first question.

I recently had hemorrhoid removal surgery, and I had to take a week-ish off work to recover.

Well, what's the question, Justin?

My question is, when I return to work, what do I say to people who ask how my recovery went?

I'm not ashamed of the type of surgery I had.

I I think it's important to destigmatize this issue.

Thanks for helping with that, Hoops.

Oh, wow, my pleasure.

I'm going to finish this question in a second, but here's a true story from my life today.

I was at the green room for the celebrities at Dragon Con, and I use the air quotes because I was in there.

And there really should be a different room for like us and the actual celebrities because we were in the room with everybody.

And Amanda, Amanda, our fearless leader, we're sitting there on the couch, and she looks at me and she says,

Hey, I just want to let you know, I still haven't gotten that email from Preparation H.

And that's when Katie Sackoff sat down next to us.

And, like, as she, like, as she immediately engaged, like, oh, Preparation H, huh?

I'm like, oh, this is cool.

This is exactly.

Yeah.

Hey, just when you think your brand can't get any more in the toilet.

Literally, yeah, quite a bit.

Here we are.

Another good tagline for preparation age.

Yeah.

Just when you, that is actually pretty good.

It's easy to lay, it's easy to lay the blame at Amanda's feet for that uncomfortable situation, but I think it could also be laid at the kind of life you've lived and the careers.

It is difficult to know when Justin is okay with publicly talking about his love of Preparation H and when it's not because you brought it up at our panel.

I tell you.

You brought it up at our panel yesterday.

Katie Sackoff.

I got it.

I know where it broke down.

I know where it broke down.

It's when Amanda said they hadn't.

Because if I said they had, I might have been able to work myself up to a devil make care.

Like, I knew it.

You know, like, haha, preparation age.

I knew they'd fold, you know, but they, the fact they hadn't reached out is really what negotiations the breach of stalemate.

They're icing us out.

Uh, my colleagues know why I was out.

Is there a polite but honest way to explain that I spent a week nursing my

gory butthole?

Uh,

that's from New Asshole in North Atlanta.

Are you here?

And are you in a well-padded seat, I hope?

Wait, are you here?

All right, don't blame you.

That's fine.

I don't think hemorrhoids and hemorrhoid surgery...

Way to stigmatize it, by the way.

I don't think we should stigmatize hemorrhoids.

and hemorrhoid surgery.

To suggest, however, that there is not a sliding scale of virtue upon which all surgeries are judged seems wild to me.

I don't know where hemorrhoid surgery falls on that scale, but it is below, like, I took a bullet for the mayor or something.

I had bullet surgery for when I saved the mayor, who's a dog,

is higher.

I think you could walk in and maybe loudly announce, like, I will...

be taking questions and I'll be giving a very PG version.

But if anybody want them nasty details,

1 p.m.

break room, don't eat beforehand, no holes barred,

$5 per person.

In the comments on the video about me complaining about

not wanting to take my hemorrhoid medicine, one of the comments on the video was,

if this was a really serious case of hemorrhoids, you'd be begging to take the medicine.

And I was just thinking like, that is, without a doubt, in all my 44 years, the most unhinged gatekeeping I have ever seen.

You know, when

I'm sorry, to a man, not to a woman.

Obviously, but like to a man like myself, the worst the most unhinged gatekeeping I've ever heard.

People overuse weird flex, but okay.

Yeah, yeah.

That is the weirdest flex of like, you think your hemorrhoids are bad.

I was begging to shove a pill up my butt.

That's how bad mine were.

My hemorrhoids.

Oh, coward.

You gotta work hard to have hemorrhoids as bad as this bad guy.

I'm not gonna ask you about your hemorrhoid surgery if I'm your co-worker, even if they're wearing a big t-shirt that says, ask me about my hemorrhoid surgery,

especially if they're wearing a t-shirt that says, ask me about my hemorrhoid surgery.

That's someone who wants to talk about their hemorrhoid surgery too much.

Yeah.

So I imagine you will probably be in the clear.

In fact, I am very curious about who at your job would be like, so hemorrhoid surgery, huh?

Spill.

What's that like?

I have another question.

Yeah, I'd love that.

I am going to be on a game show here in Atlanta within the next month.

Family view?

There's a $10,000 prize, and I'm going to be asked what I'll do with it if I win.

My instinct was to be honest and say that I would use it to put myself through mortuary school, but I don't know that that's the vibe.

Can you give me some.

We need them.

What was that reaction, crowd?

You want your dead ass to lay in the street?

Can you give me some potential answers that might make me stand out or better yet, make the host bust up?

That's from Tongue Tide in Trenton.

Are you here?

Thank you.

Listen.

Oh, y'all.

Mortuary worker person.

You all are lucky that there's people like them going to mortuary school.

You cheer for them.

I'm sure shit not gonna do it.

I'm barely good at this.

And in their head right now, they're thinking to themselves, he'll never guess I'm nasty.

I've really pulled the wool over here.

You are.

I'm glad you're doing it and not me.

I've really pulled the wool over his.

Is this

just whisper?

Because maybe you don't want to blow up your spot, but is it Family Feud?

No, it's not.

Okay.

Well,

I'm delete all the material that I prepped about how to do good on Family Feud.

Are you you in it by yourself or do you have a team?

There's four contestants, but we're not in the team.

There's four contestants.

Is there a survey and does it say stuff?

I'm not going to.

There is no way that they're supposed to leak all these important details before.

I'm not going to risk their chance to be on TV with our stupid podcast.

I love...

Can I just say, this is a lesson to all of us that we don't often realize our own light, even when we see it shine on others.

Your answer for what you're going to do with $10,000 is go to mortuary school.

And you're like, but what can I say to stand out?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're good.

You're worried about being like the third contestant that day, just using the prize money to go to mortuary.

Another one?

Jeez.

A lot of people must die in this city.

I think I would just ask for it in cash and then less questions, please.

That's none of their business.

If you win the game fair and square, you can do whatever you want with it.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Or say mortuary school, but I need it only in cash and then be really, really weird for the rest of the show.

And I need it today.

Yeah.

I've got a group on.

What would I do with it?

Huh?

That's a great question.

Here's one for me.

How quick can you get it, Timmy?

No, seriously.

Like, do we get it in cash?

Can we take it it in cash in a smaller lone sum up front?

Mortuary School makes you bring in your own bodies.

They cost exactly $10,000.

I need it by nightfall.

I would just say save the orphanage.

Cool.

That's what I need the money for.

That orphanage is doing okay.

It needs a new paint job in the library.

I made a bet with myself that if I don't win $10,000, I'm going to destroy the orphanage.

ten thousand dollars is the cancellation fee for the construction crew I got to destroy the orphanage I had I had to lease the nails

they're reclaiming them tonight

hey everybody yeah

I just feel like the show has been a little puerile up to this point

and so maybe we could class it up with a little work of art

Did you change the fart sound at the end of that?

It's way better, man.

Really nice.

Y'all don't even fucking know.

This fart sound they used to run at the end of this stinger was the fucking lowest quality bit rate shit you've ever heard.

We must have gotten some sort of better pay raise or something.

We must be spending more on our AV.

Yeah, I was fully lost this farting audio.

That was a corner of my eye.

I watched you go, hmm, pretty high.

Yeah,

I've been at hogs.

I love this.

Okay, listen, since we're here for DragonCon, I figured I would base this on some nerd shit.

Do you guys know Star Wars?

Harrison Ford was on it.

Yeah.

The guy who had Jayleno 3D print a toilet seat.

I had no idea that Justin was going to talk about him, but what a good, um, what good synergy.

Just say it, man.

So, up first, this is a character from Star Wars.

Um, Kit Fisto.

Can I tell you, Jay Man?

Wait, let me try again.

Kit Pisto.

No.

Damn.

Kit Fisto.

I saw Kit Fisto and I thought, what am I even doing?

This is true.

Am I going to get this out of a camera?

I can't do this better than George Lee just already did.

Let me just say.

You called the music Jizz.

Okay, you got that out of the way.

Okay, Jizz Music.

We said Jizz Music.

Han Solo's best friend and co-pilot.

Poobaka.

And he's a big pile of poop.

Pubaka?

No.

Better than that.

Chewkaka?

No.

Pookaka.

No.

What's his full name?

Chewbacca the Wookiee.

Poobaka?

His name is not Chewbacca the Wookiee.

Yeah, that's crazy, Travis.

He doesn't have a surname.

It's Lei Wookiee.

My name is Chewbacca LeWookie.

That's his goddamn name as far as I'm concerned.

And I was looking for Chewbacca the Dookie.

Travis, that sucks.

That's not his name.

They're not called Han Solo the Human.

Leia, the Skywalker.

Kennedy Human.

I hate to do this.

They're not humans.

But as an impartial observer, I'm...

White Yuri in the game.

Yeah, but

I've read.

Wait, hold on, Justin.

No, no, no.

Is that how you consider yourself a work of fart?

No, but listen, I've been watching Worker Fart evolve.

And she means a lot to us, Travis.

Yeah, I've seen watching Work of Art evolve.

And even not impartial.

I know we give you a hard hard time, man, but Work of Art means a lot to me and Justin.

Griffin's dominant.

The integrity of it is important.

Yeah, Griffin's dominance in this game has subsumed my own to a point where I am just a sort of a bystander.

It's rooting for me.

But here's the thing.

Now, Travis, listen.

Griffin just came up with like three that was better than yours.

I feel like...

I feel like I may have to, as the oldest brother, I may have to take this bit away from you and make Griffin do it.

Not now.

Let me read the next one.

Let me read the the next one.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I ordered them in the ones I'm most proud of.

Oh, okay.

Wait, wait, sorry.

I need to know if that list is ah or descending, please.

Is there nowhere to go but down right now?

Which way are we headed?

I think they get better.

They'd have to.

He's not called Chewbacca the Wookiee.

This is my friend and co-pilot.

Chewbacca the Wookiee.

Is it even the vowel sound doesn't even matter?

Is that not how he's on through it, Chewbacca the Wookiee?

Or is that just my own?

No, that's fucking insane, Travis.

I think you were high when you wrote these and you were thinking about Jabba the Hut.

I'm Greedo the Rodian and I'm here to fuck.

Okay, Teppi.

They call me on Solo the Guy.

I'm Jabba the Hut, the Hut.

And I'm...

I swear.

I too am Luke Skywalker the guy.

We must be related.

I swear to God, I thought that was the case.

Yeah, no, you can swear to God that you thought that was the case, of course.

You're saying it.

I need a minute.

Okay.

Oh, man.

This planet is home

to Moss Isley.

And where Luke Skywalker grew up, Shatooen.

Tatooine.

And it's shaped like a penis.

Oh,

oh, interest.

Tattoo Ween.

Tattooing the planet.

Tatoo Wiener.

And Travis, I'm sorry that when I said Tatoo Wiener, I said it in such a disappointed tone of voice.

Can I try again?

Yeah.

Tattoo Wiener?

Yeah!

And finally, finally,

this Jedi Master may be short, but he's very wide and round.

Choda.

Yay!

Travis, Pastor Gabor, he's back.

He's back back with Choda.

That was the first one I thought of that sealed the deal in the whole bit.

Yeah.

I love Choda so.

Yeah, you do.

I'm funny.

I'm a high school teacher.

Yay.

I'm a high school teacher.

And I recently started coaching an esports team.

My boss wants the team to be taken seriously as a school sport, but people keep calling us a club.

How can I make video games get the same treatment as football or basketball?

That's from Clear Eyes, Full Thumbs, Can't Lose.

Extra info.

We mostly compete in Super Smash Brothers and Mario Kart.

Are you here?

It's a fucking melee.

Is it fucking melee?

Because if not, it's a children's game.

If it's not melee, then it is a club.

A kids' club.

You win them trophies or medals or whatever you get in these boards?

Eventually, hopefully?

Yeah, it's a sports.

Let's start here.

Good first step.

Yeah, I mean, they don't give trophies to clubs for any reason.

Do you make the kids run sprints?

Because that's the thing I know that they do in sports.

Yeah, they do laps in C.S.

Go.

We're better.

We know enough about esports.

Do we know enough about esports to accept that

it is a sport?

We don't have to do that.

There's a skill level to it.

Yeah, not just that I don't have.

I could join any club.

I can't join any sports team because I'm not skilled enough.

Therefore, esports is a sports team.

Yeah, here's the difference, man.

When you go to chess club and you get really good at chess, you don't go into college with gnarled, riddled hands.

Yeah, sure.

These poor young athletes.

These young athletes are ruining their tendons for us, for our enjoyment.

And for me, if you are ending up in a position where you got to wear a special brace to sleep, you're an athlete.

You know what I mean?

That's not a hobby.

It feels very personal all of a sudden, J-Man.

Yeah.

I mean, wow,

Travis's chess APMs are also through the fucking roof, man.

He moves.

I've crushed kings into palms in my very hands, and I got thrown out of the tournament.

You're not allowed to do that, apparently.

Can you

hire

a group of mercenaries to dress up like

Space Invaders?

And they come into the school to mess stuff up.

And who's going to stop them?

Gamer Club.

We're the only ones with the cheat codes.

And then, so Griffin, what you're saying is, after that happens.

Yeah.

After what happens, because confirmed that I said out loud,

cyber

invaders.

Invaders from space.

That's not important.

Okay.

Show up and

come to the school to mess them up.

And then the school says, you know who's trained for this.

Yeah.

Not the security.

School security is fucking out the back door.

Yikes, are those aliens?

I'm out of here.

Then the gamer club shows up Don't worry about it.

We have the cheek.

The aliens abducted our greatest warriors, but due to a translation error, that means athletes in their tongue, right?

So they took all the athletes from the school.

As administrators, you're going to have to get in on this plan.

Well, Trav, yeah, I mean, obviously their boss wants this to be taken seriously as a sport.

I feel a lot of hostile energy.

Like, you're not proud of my Space Invaders coming to school to mess things up.

So we get the Gamer Club to stop.

My next suggestion was pep rally.

Dude, we were so close to breaking that story to an extent where we would never have to podcast again like we were about to be we were about to have the script that would get us out of this we supported you through chewbacca the dookie we did steer it hey i'm steering us away from your plan of having mercenaries break into us

space invaders and they're not there to do anything bad they're just here to mess things up

Like throw papers around and stuff and make a big mess at the school.

Oh, you didn't say they threw paper.

Are they wearing cool leather like LEDs?

They're wearing Space Invader costumes, Travis.

That's why the Gamer Club is the only one that can stop.

It's a gamer team.

Not the club.

They're not a club.

You're right.

I forgot.

Please, I know it feels hard to think of them as athletes, but we have to try for the conceit of the question, Triffin.

And then when the gamer team stops the Space Invaders, all the students come out and they're like, you did it.

You're athletes now.

This idea fucking sucks.

You're right, Travis.

This is a fucking stupid idea.

How about a mascot?

Okay.

And it's Mario.

I'm with these guys, officially.

Fuck all the other sports teams.

Fuck football.

That's cool.

He could show up to football games and just make a mess.

Throwing papers around.

Throwing papers around.

Mess up all the football games.

Oh, that's my homework.

Damn.

For the playbook.

Oh no, my screensaver.

If only there was an e-sports team here to help you use your computer.

Help, help!

My screen.

I started working at the post office about a year ago.

I love getting to see all the animals every day, but I need a good way to avoid the owners who want to chit-chat.

How do I politely say, I want to pet that dog, and then be on my way?

That's from Going Postal for Pets in South Carolina.

Are you here?

Hell yeah.

Rain is shine.

That's awesome.

Thank you for coming.

If the owner starts to say something to you, have you tried saying, like, this is actually just between us.

Yeah.

This is, we, I've been meaning to talk to them for a while now.

Could you actually cross the street and give us a moment?

You're going to have to do a lot to undo the kind of,

you know, the optics of dogs and postal workers in order to bridge this divide.

If I had a sweet puppers, which I don't, but if I did, I wouldn't want them going anywhere near a post officer.

This is actually the only one of the three of us that owns dogs.

I'll pull back the curtain a little bit, Griffin.

Yeah, thanks.

The truth is dogs love postal workers and it makes us dog owners incredibly jealous.

And so we've started, I'm going to get so much trouble for this.

We've started a long campaign to try to convince people.

Oh, cool.

Slander.

Yeah, but it's really when the post office worker arrives, my dog gets so excited and I'm like, no, you love me.

What do you think that.

And then I attack the post office worker dressed as my dog.

That's what, okay.

So when I came over last time and you had a giant dog suit, extremely, extremely lifelike dog suit, and I was like, what's that for?

And you were like, don't worry about it.

I thought it was for like, you know, conventions and stuff like that.

But you guys can tell you

to pretend to be your own dog to scare postal workers.

Yeah.

That's awesome, man.

You guys know how it's a crime to mess with the mail?

I think so.

What?

Fuck.

Oh, no.

I gotta get out!

It's a crime to mess with the mail, and I think people are nervous about what if you get confused as a mail carrier and you pick up the dog and you start like put it in your bag, and then it's mail legally at that point, and they can't have it back.

You know, they might ask for the dog back, and you might, unfortunately, it isn't now mail.

It's in my bag, it's in the bag, that makes it male.

You're out of your jurisdiction, Kenneth.

The mailbag is not part of your house, even if I'm standing in your yard with your dog in my bags.

Property uncle says,

The dog has a stamp on on it?

If you put a stamp on a dog, they will mail it for you.

That's the law.

To where?

What?

Wherever you want.

Wherever you want for one flat rate.

Wow.

What an amazing bargain.

Yeah, at Sams.com, they're going to get you a scale.

It's big enough for your dog.

Put your dog on the scale.

Mail your dog wherever.

All right.

Thank you so much.

Make sure you come back for the second half of our show.

Until then,

you can use the bathroom.

if you want and you can buy this poster.

We give you permission.

You're allowed.

Yes, this incredible poster.

We signed a bunch of them before the show.

Thank you, Cynthia, for this incredible design.

And please send in your questions.

Also, we have the Pulse Aboriginal Memorial Canned Food Drive Challenge Coin.

All sales go to benefit the Atlanta Community Food Bank.

So grab one of those while you're out there, too.

We will take a brief break.

Please send in your questions for the second half, and we might do them live.

Thanks.

We'll be right back.

Hey, everybody.

Have you heard about the internet?

It's taking the world by storm.

It's like TV, but everything's on it, and sometimes people will say that they're going to come to your house.

Yeah.

And occasionally you see drawings on there that you're confused by.

It's scary to be on the internet with all these people saying that they know where your house is.

Luckily, you can make your own safe space and the space will be a square because you're going to use Squarespace to do it.

Griffin, I don't know anything about putting together a website.

I'm kind of a dullard famously.

Is there any help there?

Or are they just going to throw me to the friggin' wolves?

No, man, you're pretty much boned.

Just kidding.

Squarespace has all kinds of tools, a whole suite of tools made by expert designers for you to use to just drag and drop stuff and you make it pretty and you make it functional.

If you sell stuff, they have all the tools you need to sell stuff.

And are you taking notes over there?

Oh, Justin's just written a note.

We're doing this live on stage, and he's written a mean note about me.

And now I need my Squaresafe space to tuck into cutting-edge design tools, everything you need to get your brand going online.

Head to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MyBrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Dance clown, Justin says on his little notepad, making me feel.

Watch the monkey dance as the organ grinder turns his crank.

You'll do anything for a dollar, wouldn't you, Griffin?

It's embarrassing.

Thank you, dude.

Thank you, Squarespace.

Thank you, Squarespace, for sponsoring the show.

I don't know know why Johnson has brought this energy to our sponsorship segment.

It used to be about the art.

That's what my website, it used to beabouttheart.com, is all about.

And what did you use to make that website?

Squarespace.

All right.

All right.

We're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Justin was backstage, like, I'm just going to walk out there.

And Travis and I were like, yeah, sure, man.

Actually, Travis said, go off king.

That's what I did.

So, really, let the record show me, King.

Travis said, go off king.

And then I forgot when we were supposed to come out.

So I just went for it anyway.

You know what I mean?

And we could have come on at the same time you did.

And we chose to leave.

We chose to leave you fucking hanging, dude, hanging in the dark.

That's okay.

I don't mind, guys.

It's all in good fun, right?

Isn't that what they say?

It's all in good fun.

They, dude.

They.

I want to munch.

I want to munch.

Sorry about my tone.

Yeah, it's been a long day of talking and meeting and greeting.

I'm going to I just say the Symphony Hall really?

Gary ate that up.

Holy shit.

That really, yeah, the clarity of tone that is offered by this place is not doing me any favors at all.

I am not an oboe.

But

you all sounded great.

Yeah, and the venue, again, I'm not supposed to be here.

I can't be clear enough about that.

Sonic is calling on you to save a pumpkin this fall with news.

Oh, Sonic the Restaurant.

Yeah, Sonic calls on you to save a pumpkin this fall with a new salted caramel toffee, iced coffee, and croissant bites.

That's a lot.

Are you sure, Sonic?

That's a lot of shit to put in one thing, Sonic.

Are you sure, Sonic?

But what this ad presupposes is every pumpkin spice latte I order is a pumpkin murdered.

Yeah, they have to squish one pumpkin for each drink.

Send Jerry to the back to kill another one.

Yeah, you're killing a a pumpkin.

You don't think about that, do you?

But every time you have a pumpkin dessert, you're actually smashing up a real pumpkin.

Yeah, none of you are thinking about our poor pumpkin farmers that have to kill their precious pumpkin.

Starbucks rolls up and says, We're taking them.

And they say, No, we grew these as friends.

Every fall, pumpkins carry the weight of the season.

They're carved, spiced, and turned into everything from candles to air fresheners.

That's a latte work for a gourd.

that's good shit, Sonic.

Sonic, I get it.

But once again, am I supposed to feel bad for pumpkins?

Or anything for pumpkins, yeah.

I should feel ambivalence for pumpkins.

I'm there.

I should mention also the dateline of this story is Atlanta, Georgia, by the way.

Sonic, is Sonic a local company to Atlanta, Georgia?

Apparently.

A hometown favorite.

Maybe whatever.

You could get down.

You got down out here to talk about how to order food at Sonic.

Okay.

This year.

You all did a great job with that, by the way.

You basically did what we do, which is like, yeah.

This year, Sonic is giving pumpkins a break by introducing a new salted caramel toffee, iced coffee, and salted caramel croissant bites.

So authentic.

So authentic.

It's like I'm in France.

When I look at those, I think, ooh, la la Paris.

Bonjour, I'd like a taste of home.

Bonjour, I'd like a taste of my home country.

To drive the point home, Sonic is debuting a tongue-in-cheek PSA.

Oh, thank God.

Starring filmmakers, comedians, internet personalities, and podcast hosts, Alexandra Madison and John Boeff.

Shit, I thought it was us.

I did too.

And this is it.

They interrupt the pumpkin overload to inform fans that Fall has a new flavor hero in save a pumpkin, sip a salted caramel toffee iced coffee absolutely the idea that you would title a tick-tock is fucking unfathomable to me the idea that a tick tock would have a name as it like it this is you know this i present le busy kill like no also i tick tock dude i assume it's supposed to be a play on like save a horse ride a cowboy but they added so many syllables to it yeah the spot this is once again one of those examples where clearly the original pitch was like save save a pumpkin, sip a coffee.

And they said, but I don't think that's clear enough.

No.

Can we add in so many words that it ruins the original intention of the bet?

The spot follows the pair as they remind fans that pumpkins deserve a better fate than becoming a seasonal treat or something more extreme like a body wash or deodorant.

So

we need to let our pumpkins see the summer.

That's all they want.

I know you're thinking, God, this sounds funny.

And

let's you be the judge.

Hmm.

Is that a pumpkin?

Please.

You know, I haven't been super emotional this pregnancy.

Just been feeling really chill and relaxed.

Pumpkins have been through enough.

We need to save the pumpkins, John.

She's been watching those animal rescue ads from the early 2000s.

I think they inspired her.

We all need to do our part.

We do?

Yes, we do.

So we partnered with Sonic to bring you this important message.

Every fall, innocent pumpkins are just kidnapped from their homes, carved up, gutted, and turned into random things.

Candles, pumpkin-flavored coffees, shampoo.

Enough is enough.

And that's why we need a new fall flavor.

A salted caramel toffee fall flavor.

With every salted caramel toffee iced coffee from Sonic, you too can be part of the movement to save pumpkins from their tragic fates as a coffee flavor.

Of course, I think this is an important cause.

Help us spread the word.

Together with Sonic, we can save the pumpkins.

All right, all right.

I know what you all are thinking.

This is weird that it's making fun of some pretty serious, like, ads like this, but it's also poorly acted.

Travis!

Listen.

Travis is right.

And the point is

the reason I wanted to do this and read the press release and show you this video is, and I do realize this is sort of whatever the inverse of a self-fulfilling prophecy is, but why not us, Sonic?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, just like, it's just like, why not us?

You know, I mean, we could have been stupid about this in a way more convincing way.

Yeah, we would have just...

To ensure pumpkins actually do get support outside of the humorous campaign, and I could hear in the room the way you were all sort of laughing quietly to yourselves so hard that you could hear a fucking pin drop.

Yeah,

a lot of real intellectual chuckles out there.

You all were laughing so hard silently that I was absolutely second-guessing including it in our real comedy show.

Like I had really deep six the whole exercise.

I would like to pitch on spec this

ad campaign from the three of us.

Hi, we're the McElroy brothers, and fuck caramel.

We're going to eat all the caramel you got on your shelf until there's nothing left.

God bless Sonic for doing their part to eliminate this vile, sticky non-chocolate.

Can I say it takes a bold ad exec to say I've envisioned an ad

where what we're posing is that thinking about buying our thing makes you look stupid and insane.

Listen, I lose with me.

I'm just saying, if you have to find people that are related that no one's ever heard of where you have to invent a bunch of job titles to make it sound like like they're real people.

Turn to us.

Like, that's what we're here for.

Please, just let it.

Anyway, these seem like normal people pretending to be stupid.

Hey, guess what?

Get the real thing right here.

To ensure pumpkins actually do get support outside of the humorous campaign.

Oh, so we're doing it.

We talked about the advocacy already.

Quote, fall flavors don't have to mean pumpkin spice on repeat.

With the new salted caramel toffee, iced coffee, and salted caramel croissant bites, Sonic is stepping in to give pumpkins a much-needed break, all while giving guests.

Yeah, Yeah, they're just.

They're not like hardworking execs trying to have it all.

No, they want them to live forever.

Don't tell.

They don't know the secret.

Sonic's stepping in, all while giving guests something just as cravable, said Barb Williams, the vice president of category management at Sonic.

Cocaine.

Salted caramel toffee, iced coffee.

So man, it's so crazy.

So they had to say, salted caramel toffee.

That's the opposite of iambic pentameter, because that's.

They they am not pentameter

salted caramel coffee iced coffee.

Sorry.

Suffee coffee coffee.

Sophie

Sabbada.

Soppy toffee coffee.

Sloppy, salty coffee toffee.

Sloppy boy coffee for Sophie Boyd.

Sony sloppy coffee toffee from Sarah Boffin.

Sean Sloppy Bobby Bobbin.

Salted caramel toffee iced coffee.

I'm on fire.

Salted caramel toffee iced coffee is the perfect sweet and creamy pick-me-up.

And when paired with crossock bites, it's the ultimate fall duo for guests who want their daily boost with a side of indulgence and diarrhea for several days in a row.

It's so wild this ad campaign for another reason, which is, hey, Sonic, you can never do pumpkin shit again because how hypocritical would that be?

Also, you know, they had lawyers in there saying, can we say daily boost without clarifying what that means at all?

Or does that put us on the hook legally in some way?

No, no, no, no.

There's no law again it.

Okay, great.

Yeah, it's your daily

of salt.

So, thank you so much to Sonic for yourself.

Thank you, Sonic.

We are going to turn to you now, the audience.

We have asked you to send in your questions,

and we intend to answer some of them.

We have a microphone that is, I believe, over here, stage right, house left.

If we call your name and your seat number, if you want to approach the microphone, give us your name, your pronouns, if you would like, and your question, and we will do our thing.

We're gonna call some folks down.

There's someone who sent in an email that really tickled some of us backstage, but I don't know if they wanted to actually do it as part of this part of the show.

But if your name is Katie with a Y and you had a comment about Justin's outfit that you wanted to share, Katie without the helmet,

yeah, Justin's outfit in a certain configuration, and you want to come up to the microphone and say it out loud, that would bring me a great deal of money.

Let's clarify what Justin said backstage.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Just, it's up to them.

Hi.

Hi, Katie.

You just want me to say what I typed exactly?

I would love you to just read your email verbatim because I think it's really strong and good.

Read the whole thing, please, though, if you don't mind.

Hell yeah.

So, subject line, fun show.

The email.

Justin looks like Donald Duck without the speed racer helmet on.

Nodding emoji/slash/positive.

Thank you so much, Katie.

Thank you, Katie.

That's right.

You're correct.

It's so good, Katie, and you've brightened my day tremendously.

This is like the eighth, I think, of the Thunder Drive tour in which Justin's been wearing this outfit.

And you said that in your email, and it opened my eyes to a new dimension that I hadn't seen before.

This is actually...

No, I'm not kidding.

The final appearance of this outfit.

I hope you've enjoyed it.

We'll have something brand new next time, Katie.

Katie, I was going to ask if you wanted to say that to my face, but I guess you answered that already, kind of.

So thank you so much for your time.

Katie, this wasn't a trap.

You did excellent.

It was very brave.

So Katie nailed it.

Justin, it said slash positive.

No, I know.

It was so good, Katie.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Katie.

Thank you, Katie.

Jonah Duck is my favorite guy.

Thank you so much.

He's great.

Yeah, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you, Katie.

Everybody, big hero.

Applause for Katie.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hey, there.

So I sent in two questions.

I'm not sure which one.

Oh, what is your name?

Sammy J.

Sorry.

Sammy J,

you had one about hockey.

Yeah.

Okay.

So I'm a hockey goalie, and the games go like an hour and a half.

And sometimes a girl's got a piss.

Yeah.

No piss, girl.

Yeah.

Well, hold on.

Now hold on.

So when you're a player, like it's whatever, you can just get off.

But when you're a goalie,

you're the only person.

And so how do I sneak off the ice to go potty?

I'm not a big sports person, but is it, is there maybe you can

appeal to good taste?

Like, it would be in poor taste for you to score while I'm otherwise occupied.

Yeah.

So hopefully everyone will do the right thing while I'm gone.

Yes.

And just sort of play amongst yourselves in a piece of colour.

No shooting.

No shooting.

No shooties.

Just passing practice.

And don't worry, it's just piss.

I'm only going to be gone a little bit.

So, my question had a little bit more to do with stealth.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

So.

You're going to need a mannequin.

If you.

Wait, if you got the pads, maybe can you sneak out of the pads in a way where they stay basically stationary?

Like a cicada.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Leave it behind like a shell and you slip out the back.

There's no way.

So until someone hits it with a puck and it just shatters.

is

I often when I find myself in a scenario like when I'm in a plane and it hits turbulence and I start to get worried or I think about like complaining about something and I calm myself down by saying there's no way I'm the first person to have this problem in all of hockey There's no way you're the first person to be like oh shit I got a pee there's no way this is why on Canadian Dragons Den there have probably been three people who've been like, sharks, y'all know how tough it is when you got to take a piss and you're the goalie.

So here's my new thing.

You just pee right in your hockey pants.

We've already got the Canadians and all the different teams are in.

They put their brands on the different pee pants that we got.

Do you?

I'm looking for $80.

You'd have 50% of the company.

I need help.

At the level of hockey in which you play, are you ever pulled in the final minutes of the game as some sort of last-ditch gambit?

Occasionally.

Okay.

Now, have you ever considered asking the coach to do that in the middle of the second period while you're up by one goal?

Be like, I know it's unconventional, we're up by one, and it's the middle of the second period, but I think it would be strategically so surprising to the other team to be like, yo, where did their goalie go?

There's an extra person out here crazy.

Next time your team has a power play, you should just be like, let me do the right thing.

I'm going to leave two.

If they're going, I'm going.

If you are put in the penalty box, and I assume there's not a bathroom in there, can you just keep going?

I'll be back in two to five minutes.

Are you saying keep using the bathroom?

What are you saying?

No, I'm saying you just keep walking out through the penalty box into the hallway where there are bathrooms.

They figured that out because I'm pretty sure if the goalie gets a penalty, someone else has to sit it, right?

Yeah, so they really don't want you to piss, huh?

Fucked up, honestly.

I don't know about hockey, period, but can players call timeouts?

If you're loud enough, I guess.

Hey you go, I'm just saying, a goalie, especially if they're coming towards you on a good drive and you're just like, timeout, timeout.

Now we're taking a break.

You can pause a game as the goalie, and I've seen it done many times because I'm sort of a hockey guy, where if your skate breaks or your helmet comes off, everyone's like, stop immediately, everything.

Some of the goalie shits messed up.

Now, to get a bathroom break out of that, you're going to have to take one of your skates fully off and throw it into the crowd.

Throw it somewhere where it's going to take them a while to find it and be like, I don't know, guys.

I got hit real funny.

Anyways, while you go look for that,

I will go piss.

Okay, here's a pitch.

Catch the puck.

I've seen it happen.

Keep holding on to it as you go to the bathroom.

Yeah.

Then bring the puck back and drop it.

Because they can't keep going.

That's the only bug they have.

Maybe you let five or six get past you and then start whispering about mercy rule.

Like, certainly.

I feel like we're heading into mercy rule territory.

Don't you all?

I feel like I got to wrap this up.

You may be the team's only goalie, but you could certainly ask, like, anyone even want to try this?

It's so fucking hard.

They shoot them right at you.

It's terrifying.

It hurts and it's scary every time.

Why is this net so big?

I'm only this big.

Does that help?

We'll see.

Thank you, Samantha.

Very, very fair, Sammy J.

Very fair.

Hello.

Hi, I'm Kellen.

Hi, Kellen.

Pronounce he, him.

Hey.

Some Kellen heads in the audience tonight.

So my question is, how many grapes can I eat at a grocery store over the course of a year before it is considered stealing?

Yeah.

So, Kellen, one.

This is important.

Wait, this is important.

His fans are not happy about that, Griffin.

The Kellen felons are displeasing you right now.

Are you asking

like how many just in a normal course of eating grapes at the grocery store or how many can you get away with?

Yeah, actually, that's a great question.

Are you looking for some guardrails here or are you looking for a challenge?

It's It's a challenge because if I just eat one, it's not stealing.

That's not.

Oh, really?

It's definitely not.

Okay, I will say this.

One is trying them for buying.

Try before you buy.

The great grocery store rules that we all abide by.

Try before you buy.

And three is pushing it.

But three is definitely pushing it.

Fucking fool.

What are you talking about?

Kellen.

I couldn't walk up to a watermelon and take a big bite out of it to be like, I wanted to see how all the watermelons are.

Well, I didn't say how many watermelons can I eat.

Hey, Kellen.

Hey, Kellen, cool it.

This isn't about you anymore.

This is about Justin.

You guys never do a pick and mix.

You're not going to sneak one out.

Listen, I'm not.

No.

Also, hold on, wait.

Kellen, is your question to us, seriously, is there a number between one and three?

It's like one in ten.

You just said that.

Way to move the goalposts on us, Kellen, because I was about to fucking slam dunk that one right in the answer hole.

Kellen, I want you to imagine you're standing at, I guess, a big bin of grapes in your mind, and there's a security guard two feet away from you looking at you, and I want you to honestly tell me how many grapes you feel comfortable eating in front of that security guard.

If I'm the security guard, that's not what I said, Kellen!

Please don't yell at Kellen.

The Kellen felon will be after you.

Now, Kellen, imagine the grapes are anything you want in the world, and the security guard is Jesus Christ, and that was our entire childhood.

Okay.

Kellen, I have.

Okay.

Are the grapes from different bunches?

And are you going, mm.

I don't know.

Now listen.

If you have two from one bunch, that's bad.

If you have two from different bunches and you make a yuck face after each one, then I would just assume you're try before you buy, the number one rule of grocery that we all abide by and love.

Try before you buy, guys.

Yeah, for sure.

If I go up to the counter and I have an open...

Don't cheer for him because he keeps saying it.

He can say it as many times as he can.

If I go to the store at my local Kroger, right?

Because they're union employees.

And I go to the Kroger and I buy some triscuits that are the ones that are olive oil and black pepper and they're fucking outrageous, right?

And I open them and I look at the person who is checking me out and I'm like, hey, stop checking me out.

I got to go buy this stuff.

And then I go to the place where you buy this stuff.

And when I'm buying it, they're like, hey, you open this.

If I look at them, I'm like, try before you buy.

Yeah.

They're probably going to get it.

But, Justin, I would argue that what you've just done is disproven your own point because it involves two steps.

Yeah.

Try

before

you buy.

Are you buying all the grazes?

You You're open the Triskets.

You're not opening every box of Triskets.

Kellen, you ain't buying Trispisprispris.

You can find the right box of Triskets.

Kellen, you ain't buying these grapes, are you?

Nah.

Kellen, get out of here.

No, Kellen, don't get it.

Kelly, get out of here.

Kellen.

I have to really plant a flag here and say that the grocery store has designated try before you buy sections where the people are like, hey, do you want to try this tiny little

cocktail wiener?

That's a try-before-you-buy zone.

You don't walk up to them and you're like, What you're doing is so superfluous.

Kellen, I have a question for you.

Do you get to choose what picture they put up on the wall of don't let this person in anymore?

I hope it's not you just mouth full of grapes.

Also, Kellen, the answer might be time-based and not quantity-based.

The most you can jam in 15 seconds.

If I told you guys you had to eat 10 grapes in 10 minutes at your local grocery store, would you eat them quickly

or slowly and sneakily?

Drop them on the ground and then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then I stand up real quick, like, oh, I can't buy these grapes.

They're ground grapes.

And the security guard slash Jesus is like, that's okay.

If I would eat them quickly with my cheeks loaded, so that if they tried to stop me, I could push on my cheeks real quick and they'd shoot out like a machine gun.

Would you be deliberate or would you try to cloak your actions?

I would loudly announce, not this bunch.

Okay, good.

Gross.

Gross.

Callum, does that help?

Yeah, I love you guys.

Thank you so much, Callum.

We love you as well.

What a hoop.

Hello, brothers.

Hi.

Hi.

I am Corbin, they them, and I'm trying very hard to be faster than fear right now.

You're doing amazing.

Amazing, Corbin.

You came up here, Corbin.

All you need is 10 seconds of insane courage.

You know who said that?

Matt Damon, and we bought a Zoo.

That's true.

They saw that clip literally just moments ago.

It's a good bit.

It is a great bit.

Corbin, your question, please.

My question verbatim was, I broke my toe trying to kick a pine cone in front of my friend.

How do I recover from this?

Corbin, I love this question before, but now that I've met you, I love it even more.

I have follow-up questions, but I want to say sometimes we pick a question and then I hear the actual human being deliver it and a word pops out to me that suddenly is the most important word in that question.

And for me right now, that word is try.

Yeah, so

Corbin, can you paint us a word picture of the scene, please?

Yeah.

So me and my friend were walking across our college campus going to get dinner i see a pine cone i'm like i'm gonna kick that wait sorry did you say it out loud uh i i might have quite honestly

hey corbin telling the story is the most relaxed i've been all day actually yeah just chill

um so i go to try to kick this pine cone and i misjudge the distance and i kick the ground instead okay

So it wasn't like a super heavy pine cone.

No, it was not.

Damn, Corbin.

I'll be honest, that's where a lot of my interests lie in the question.

I was ready for, I tried to kick a pine cone and it turned out it was a fire hydrant.

Yeah.

And I just had a bad perspective.

Did you say something or did you just want to be fucking Dennis the Menace for a second?

Yeah, were you trying to kick it into Mr.

Wilson's like

Corbin?

I don't know you that well.

Are you just a little stinker?

What's the deal?

I don't know what I was doing, quite honestly.

Corbin, no, don't let Justin make you feel strange.

The human desire, when you see a pine cone right in your way,

when your brain just goes, what the fuck is that doing there?

That is a, what is it, a void conf like human test.

You have passed it.

And what you did is the equivalent of a real human being quick time event where you were supposed to hit circle and you hit X.

You were fucking Ryu Hazuki with a roundhouse kick coming out of your head like, bree, beep, beep, beep.

What?

Did you have a second, even a millisecond, where you second-guessed yourself as you were about to deliver the kick?

Like, I shouldn't be doing this.

Or were you fully committed?

I think I was fully committed.

Yeah, I think otherwise you wouldn't have broken your toe.

What was the, can you tell me what the next 10 seconds of your life was like?

And I'd love to, 10 minutes after that would be great.

Agony and shouting swear words, quite honestly.

Was your friend like, hey, Corbin, what the fuck were you doing?

Yeah, yeah.

Did you do what, listen?

I've been

a white man for a long time.

Did you try going, it clearly moved?

Because

it's that kind of placing the blame on anything else.

It makes you feel better and bigger and stronger.

When you told your friend I was trying to, did you explain to your friend I was trying to kick that pine cone, but I missed and I kicked the ground?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Was your friend like, oh, I get it?

Or what did they say?

Were you explaining through tears?

Like, oh, I was just

Just a little bit, probably.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Corbin, that's rough.

Corbin, that's so rough.

Are you talking about moving?

Yeah, I'm fine now.

When you say how to recover from this, do you mean from a physical or emotional standpoint?

Emotional.

We won't be able to help with either, but

you know, it's nice, though, that fate gave you this chance to re-examine your friendship with this person and see how important he is.

I mean, listen, they're here with me tonight.

I love that.

Corbin, Let me say this:

I moved the pine cone when you weren't looking.

I did it.

I did a little bit of psychokinesis just to punk you.

Um, I've never broken a bone in my body, I think I might be unbreakable.

You heard it here first,

but that was my suspicion, knowing you your whole life, as I have, Griffin, that you might be unbreakable.

Never had a sick day in his life.

What if what if Griffin is untenable?

It's too mean.

Corbin, this is a kick-ass story, as evidenced by the fact that.

It's not a kick-cone story.

No, it's a kick-ass story, Corbin, as evidenced by the fact that we just had to hear it here at our live show tonight.

This is going to serve you so well at so many corporate icebreaker events.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Youth group meet and greets.

And what's wonderful is memory can be very malleable, and the more we tell stories over time, the more they can change.

But now this one, it's recorded in a podcast, Corbin.

This is forever.

Yeah, it's going to be interesting when my mom listens to this episode, because I still haven't told her that I broke my toe yet.

Hey, Corbyn.

Are you its mom?

I moved the plank on it.

It's my fault.

But not in a legally liable way.

Corbin, are you okay now or are you still?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, this literally happened like two days ago.

Oh, okay, so you're not okay now.

I mean, will you ever dance?

Are you fucking Wolverine?

I want to see that issue of accent where Wolverine breaks his toe, trying to kick a bike up in front of like Cyclops, and he's like, don't tell anyone, Bub.

Just shut up for three minutes, Bub.

We'll be fine.

Corbin in a moment over here behind this tree.

Don't look at me, Bub.

Corbin, I don't know if we've helped you, but you've helped us a lot and made us feel very human in this moment.

And I thank you so much for that.

Thank you, Corey.

But I still love you.

Was it like that?

Really big pine cone, though.

Paul just had that fucking picture on his desktop, dirty dog.

Yeah, no.

Wait, let's go back.

Pull that down.

Why is the second smaller pine cone in that picture?

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Gideon.

Hi, Gideon.

Hi, Gideon.

So,

I have a co-worker who who has a pet owl.

And,

like,

the one day that I was off,

like,

she brought it into work.

And

I used to want to be an ornithologist as a kid growing up.

Like, is that an owl doctor?

Study birds.

Study birds, got it in general.

Thank you so much for using the exact terminology I needed to understand that.

Study birds, you you say.

Not owl doctor, but study birds.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, dad's called an owlologist.

Is it the pellets?

Because I fucking get it, man.

It's crazy.

My children have asked me if we can buy those pellets at the store.

No, because

I'm probably a weird store.

Yeah.

So, you missed the owl.

Yes.

And

it sucks so much.

Like, my boss was showing me all the pictures she took when it was there.

And apparently, like,

I work in the adjacent office to my boss, and

like she kept the owl in my boss's office for the entire day.

Oh, man, did it feel pointed?

Is that the problem?

You feel like they waited till they knew you weren't gonna be there, and they said, Today's the day the owl's coming in, fuck Gideon.

Is that the problem?

I didn't think that was actually it.

That was a joke.

No, no, no.

She's really nice, but are you just trying to tell us about this very sad Ray Bradbury short story?

No,

so I've asked her to like bring it back in because I really want to meet it.

And apparently it was really nice.

For an owl.

Yeah.

But you asked her and she didn't?

She's like, oh, maybe one day.

That sucks.

Okay.

Gideon, can I say this blew this whole mystery like to another level?

I own several pets.

The littlest bit of encouragement it would take for me to bring bring my pet back to the office yeah can i read the exact wording of the email get in because it's like it's a it's like a poem riddle how do i convince my coworker to bring her owl back to the office

in my mind

you did something

upon the first meeting of the owl and you were like hey listen coworker i'd love another shot i know i fucked up yeah i know i fucked up last day that's so interesting i fed the owl all of my keys one at a time, and I know now that was fucking wrong.

I will still say, though, the owl should know not to eat keys.

You should train your owl better than that, for sure.

I thought that it was more Griffin, a scenario where it's like, you brought the owl in, and I didn't get enough.

Yeah.

Listen, I know at the time, I seemed like I was like, and that's enough owl, but I can't stop thinking about it.

The idea of...

of owning an owl seems crazy to me.

They're so wise.

And big and weird.

They're so wise and big and weird.

It's like owning a wizard.

Like what?

Gideon,

have you thought about releasing a lot of voles and moles and stuff into the offense?

Oh, that's good, Trash.

I work at a jewelry store.

Perfect.

Those bitches love rings.

Voles?

Voles love rings.

Can you refrain from

saying bitches at all?

But especially when referring to voles?

Sir?

There are several parts of my lawn that I can't walk on without sinking into them, and I don't care for them.

Right, I get you.

Hey, Gideon, I would like you to next time you go in the office, I need you to start talking about your four incredible boys.

And then every time you go in for the next few months, start talking about your four incredible sons, your four great boys, and then start talking about how into owls they are, right?

And then you tell them, Hey, I'm gonna bring my four incredible boys in tomorrow.

Would you please bring the owl?

And they'll be like, Who's gonna let down four incredible kids, right?

And then they come in with the owl, psych, it's too late, though.

You don't have sons.

Wait, why four boys?

That's so crazy, Gideon.

I'm guessing you've not already laid the groundwork for your four amazing sons.

I have made it very clear that I'm never having kids, and also I'm not.

Well, because you already have four.

Hey, Gideon, to be fair,

that's why these four amazing boys were such a surprise.

Because like, who's pretty amazing?

Who's saved who, you know?

It's like, wow, these four boys.

What a miracle.

And they love owls so much.

And then you reveal it's four young owls you've adopted who need someone to look up to.

I don't think you bring an owl into the jewelry store unless it is part of some sort of heist.

I think

disagree security measure.

Think about it, Griffin.

You're going in, you're going to steal some jewelry, and then you look up and there's a big owl on top of the case.

And you're like, okay, you know what?

I'm going to go.

Let me hit you with this scenario, Travis.

You get your pet owl back from your office, which is the jewelry store.

The owl poops.

You get out a little knife and cut it open.

And uh-oh, it's breakfast at Tiffany's up in there.

Wait, hold on.

That's good.

Are you saying, Griffin?

Warring owls, security owl, thief owl.

Yes.

Bring in your own owl, Giddy.

Now, listen, I don't know where to get owls besides the forest.

If they brought the owl in just to eat jewelry and shit it out later, they may wish you would stop asking about the owl.

I would start to worry for your safety at a certain point, Gideon.

They'll be like, I don't know why Gideon keeps asking about the fucking owl.

Does that help, Gideon?

So much.

Thank you so much, Gideon.

And thank you, Atlanta, for coming to our live episode of My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

This might surprise you, but we're going to be in this very room again tomorrow.

Yes, we are doing the Adventure Zone versus Popeye, DM'd by our dad, Clint McElroy.

I don't want to oversell it, but if you don't have tickets to that show, we have an incredible new technological innovation that is going to allow you in the audience to see our dice rolls on this very screen.

We've really

modernized the format.

We've really caught up with the time.

I'm saying you'll see the dice on there, right?

You're not going to have to stand up to look.

They'll be on the screen.

In past TAS live shows, we've made everyone line up and come look at every dice roll we've done.

Now we're going to put them on the screen and it's going to be so kick-ass.

Not everyone.

Not everyone.

We're going to do one dice roll and act.

That's actually not too far off.

But seriously, thank you all for coming.

Thank you to the Atlanta Symphony for having us.

This place is absolutely gorgeous.

Yeah.

I think this is like our third time.

I think maybe our third time being here.

We have posters for sale.

Thank you, Cynthia, for the kick-ass design.

We signed a bunch of them.

There may still be some signed out there.

And also, we still have the Paul Saborn Memorial Canned Food Drive, all sales for which go to benefit the Atlanta Community Food Bank.

And we're doing a bunch of other panels and stuff over at DragonCon.

If you go to bit.ly/slash McRoyTours, you can find all of the events listed there.

Thank you to Paul.

Thank you to our dad, Clint McRoy.

Thank you to Amanda,

our business manager.

Thank you so much to Rachel, our editor and audio engineer, who also used a seam ripper to cut a small hole in my jumpsuit so I can get in my pocket without going in the front.

So huge.

Thank you, Rachel.

You're a lifesaver.

If I could say something sincerely, DragonCon is incredible and there is so much incredible stuff happening here every single night and all day.

And I really, really, really appreciate everyone here deciding to come here and hang out with us in opposed to all the other amazing things you've been doing.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, seriously, Jennifer.

Seriously, you all have been fucking amazing.

Thank you so much.

I hope you'll do it again tomorrow.

Thank you to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You.

How about this final fear to realize that someone would like to be faster than this in the year of our Lord 20 Thunder Drive?

Let's go.

This year, year, I will be faster than my fear of Switchfoot's song, Dare You to Move.

My name is Justin McElroy.

My name is Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

My brother, my brother, be kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

It's better.

My life.

It's better, it's better with you

Cause it's true

It's better, it's better with you

Come at life

It's better with you

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