MBMBaM 777: Preparation Hoops

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed.

It's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

Life,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

It's better, it's better with two.

It's better with you.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me.

It's an advice show for the modern era, and I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

I'm your middlest brother, Travis McRoy, period.

I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin McEloy.

Cha-Ching, cha-ching!

What?

You've hit the, you hit the jackpot

on this episode 777.

It's your lucky day, pal, because we're, we're about to, what's wrong, Trav?

I was just thinking that for this one, maybe we could try doing like a really professional, right down the middle.

This is like we've always said, this isn't your daddy's podcast, but this would be

your daddy's podcast.

We never,

we have a tag this time.

We can talk about 777.

That's something.

And we never get to do like numerology stuff because we forget.

but this one seems like it writes it like we won't have to go trav come over here okay because i don't want them to hear okay we won't have to come up with as many jokes yeah if we can lean on our sort of numerology okay can we do it in like a professional mature way you think

I don't understand why this is the time this is the time and the moment for

you say that for 778 that's a great angle for 778 we don't have the numbers let's speak on oh and for 789 we could talk about how that's why nine is afraid of 7.

6 is afraid of 7.

We love this.

We'll get the joke.

789 will actually be funny.

That will be good.

Okay, great.

Because it's another number one and there's less jokes.

That's the one we don't have to come up with.

I was curious if the last time these beautiful sevens had lined up was, of course, we all remember episode 77,

which was called

The Whole Shebang.

And that was from 2011.

And I was curious if we had done some like

some stuff about seven stuff.

Like, I just didn't want to retread.

Well, okay,

two's not as exciting.

Yeah, look back to episode seven.

Did we talk about the movie seven a lot and like what's in the box?

In 77, we said, cut a hole in some sheets, cut a hole in a sheet, candy and apple, bob it, and get ready.

It's H-time.

So I don't think I'm not 100% sure.

But I'm using this to make a point.

I actually, I brought this out because I was hoping we said something about seven, but like, I do want to make a point.

This was 14

years ago yeah and we are still just grasping

anything to talk about in the first five minutes

it's funny i'm looking at the transcript for episode seven right now and let me see um what about men's rights no one ever talks about men's rights yeah um

well we were groundbreaking at that point Yeah, we were the first ones talking about talking about men's rights.

I'm more interested now in men's wrongs.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, there's there's been plenty of men's lefts.

I need them to.

I need them to.

Yeah.

Men at work.

I doubt it.

I need the men's to have lefts.

And so in episode 7777, we're going to look back on this 140 years in the future and be like, what the fuck does that even mean?

Well, by then, all the men will be gone.

Sure.

Let's hope.

I had a brief update for everybody about my.

did notice.

Justin, please.

Hero Roids.

Heroroids.

Thank you.

We're erasing.

So that video popped up this week.

We just happened to pop up the video about

me debating whether or not I was going to use suppositories of my hemorrhoids.

And I do have to, when you do a show like ours, it's very much true of consciousness.

There is a sort of walk of shame that happens when you see that pop up.

You're like, oh, Justin.

Dude,

we don't pick the clips we should make it clear the three of us don't our wonderful like video team and social folks help figure that out for us which is great because that means less that I have to listen to the show the choice sometimes to put you and your butt wounds

specifically to lift that up in front of the alga I think the incorrect assumption they make ha ha ha is that Justin wouldn't bring it up on the show unless it was a choice he was making that he was proud of and wanted to be surfaced.

And I think

the record button has been pressed.

I have to talk for an hour.

Yeah, it's abusive.

Especially the last 15 minutes.

There's no accountability.

In the first five minutes.

Yeah, the first five minutes and the last 15, there should be no accountability for the very private things we discuss.

So I did

do, I did get them.

I

not on purpose, but I did call them into a pharmacy out.

So, like, I was like, way out.

I did not need to be spotted.

That's that's that's where Dustin Gacklroy gets his pills.

Yeah, when he needs a little to be fair, he's extreme and loves putting pills up his butt.

Good evening, my name is Marcel Sweet Cheeks, and I believe you have a prescription for my selection.

And I am not sitting pretty.

Donuts asked me to take a seat yeah without my hemorrhoid donut list so uh i go into the

damn it i shouldn't have said

rachel edit out the specific pharmacy no one would have known that was the name of an actual i know that's why i gotta cut it out but if you hadn't said it it sounded like you forgot the word pharmacy this is edited

i go to the pharmacy i get i go to the pharmacy i get i don't want people to know where the pharmacy i go to okay whatever there's probably not that many pharmacies

anyway that's true um

so i get the suppositories they look like the ends of number two pencils okay

like the top which inch and a half of a number two pencil the right and end or this or the

right and end but we're good with that because we do want well

A tapered experience.

A taper is welcome.

USA tapers welcome.

But

no flare at the bottom of this one.

No flare at the bottom of this one so so it's like it's a bullet it's a bullet it's a bullet it's a bullet that's how people i hope describe our show a fine tapered experience for easy no flare insertion no flare yeah well come as no surprise to you folks at home i have a physician living in the house with me so i asked her i said so like what

what do i do and she said i mean you just

go

yeah it's a pretty it seems a pretty one-step process to me jamian

okay that's cool trap remember that round peg round no no no no hold on griffin you go ahead with yours round peg round hole okay

thank you easy easy and that's what she says to me easy so i don't do it for a while and did she say is it tapered for your comfort even ask here's that i just told you the entirety of the conversation and that will become important soon okay so she says yes over the part if you do put it in your butt can we like tastefully just I'm not on the screen?

Can we cut to the windows with curtains blowing and then come back?

Give us the story from Sid's POV.

So we can't.

I literally can't.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I will.

I will.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tasteful editing.

That's all I'm asking.

I will.

So

a random morning that had no real significance to me, Sidney McElroy.

I'm in the kitchen taking care of our children.

Is there a bird outside the window?

How's the skin?

I'm ready for school in the morning, right?

I'm working hard, and I'm getting my kids ready for school.

There is an announcement throughout the speaker on the home speaker system, and it sounds like this.

Sid, come to the bathroom, please.

I need your help.

Child, Jesus, man.

When Sidney comes to the bathroom, she finds me.

Justin McElroy, with my pants around my ankles, laying on the floor, sweating as though I've just been drenched in a bucket of mop water and like a weird ice bucket challenge trying to rend the shirt from my chest so i could breathe again that's what sydney walks into

so here's the thing about putting in a suppository yeah go off you should you should not do it standing up oh yeah that's caused by the way if you do it standing up

You can press a thing or do it around.

Well, this can happen regardless.

But the reason we don't do it standing up is while this apostate is going in, you can, Sydney called it vagling.

And basically, you press the wrong tube in there

and you basically explode your whole butt.

Your blood pressure gets fucked up.

You can't stand.

You burst into a sweat and you basically have to lie down on the ground because you think you're going to die from putting the pill in your butt wrong.

Uh-huh.

Your wife said you couldn't do it wrong.

She said just pop it in there.

She did not say loop it up.

She did not say lay down.

She said,

She didn't say mine the vegling because you could fucking die, hoops.

Do you think you're stronger now than you were before?

She remembered the conversation exactly.

When she walked in the bathroom, she knew.

She knew what she said.

She was like, Justin, when she heard the announcement on the Alexa, she knew.

She was like, oh, my God, he veigled.

What did I do?

Oh, my God, he bageled, my sweet boy.

She thought she was going to walk into a big pile of blood.

You know?

Yeah.

Oh, Justin.

Now I have to Google vegling.

Justin, so the good news, now you have this.

If like when someone talks about like how our childbirth is, you can be like, well, I put a suppository up my butt wrong.

So I understand like 10% of it.

Here's the only thing I'll say about this pository.

This is the tip for the future.

This is the only challenge with it.

It's not putting it up there, it's that there is a certain point where your body says, I will take it from here.

Yeah, sure.

You don't know exactly what that point is.

And if you guess it wrong, your body's like, No, no.

But then at a certain point, your body's like, Yes, now it is inside me.

I will take it from here.

You got to trust the peristaltic foreman inside your body that's like, oh, all right, boys, back it up.

This is what we practice for, guys.

Let's do it.

Just like I told you.

This is why we train, guys.

This is why we train.

Esophagus is like, we heard it was medicine time.

We're ready and raring to go.

Don't worry, boys.

We've got this round.

It's easier to teach it.

It's easier to teach an anus to dissolve a pill than it is to teach an esophagus to cure hemorrhoids.

It's like the Armageddon thing, you see?

Do you think when that happens, the foreman of your butthole feels like when a defensive tackle gets an interception and runs it in for a touchdown?

I mean, he's like, I never get to do this.

Yeah, medicine, what a treat.

It was a presence, too.

There's a you're aware of a presence,

the Lord, it sounds like, because you have an NDE on your bathroom floor.

Holy crap, though.

But can I tell you guys, please?

The combination of learning that I was not dying

and learning that I

my wife had messed up in a way where I was right about something and she was wrong.

A medical thing.

A medical doctor and

I no longer had pain in my anus.

I could have lifted a fucking truck, guys.

I was invulnerable that day, dude.

I was right.

Do you know how rarely Sydney messes up?

It's like never.

So I had that.

I put 777 episodes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is the first and like i got a brand new shirt on because i sweated through the last one that's kind of like a that feels good null it's like null but like a clean shirt like it was nice it was feeling really good for the rest of the day until i realize why i have to tell you guys about it you know what you got justin triple seven jackpot baby yeah baby and that's the kind of promise that we're making to you on this episode everything's coming up you

i also don't know if you've noticed but the video that we did post of you talking about your hemorrhoids did get some actual interaction i believe, on TikTok with the Preparation H account.

This is a brand partnership that I think we've all been waiting for.

Preparation hoops, special.

It'll be like the McDonald's meals where it's like, I'm Travis Scott and this is how I fuck around.

Or like a charoni pizza?

Dude,

I would be such a good spokesperson for Preparation H.

Just clip this out, y'all.

You can use it for free.

Hi, it's Justin McElroy.

When I'm packing a bag for travel, here's my rule.

The first thing you pack should be the last thing you'd ever want to ask for.

That's why Preparation H is the first thing in every bag I have.

I probably have seven tubes of it just lying around like a smoker who swears they're going to quit soon, man.

I got Preparation H all over this place.

I'd be dead without it.

Dead drop.

Justin has it in the lining of his suitcase like a smuggler.

Click my link below to head on to the shop to use my special code to get the package with my face on it.

Right.

And it'll come to you from China.

I don't know why they're doing that.

I asked them to not do that.

I think you could offer this skew could really stand out on a store shelf if you didn't have to go to the pharmacy and say, like, let me get some preparation H for my ruined bung.

And instead, you could just walk up and be like, let me get some of that hoops goop.

Yeah.

Like, I don't know what that is.

And enlisted as like a

performance enhancer.

Performance enhancer.

Yeah.

Maybe this is kind of like the Coke thing where you like give a buddy a coke, give a pal a coat.

Maybe the H could stand for something different on each of the packaging.

So, like, mine could be like preparation hoops, but you could be like preparation hug or like preparation helping, you know,

well, see, that is what it is.

I think that's maybe

okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That has been my suspicion from the beginning, yeah.

I started a new job a little over a month ago.

I really like the job, but I have made a huge whoopsie.

This morning I used the microwave to warm up my breakfast.

However, when I pushed in the lever to open the door, it wouldn't open.

No matter how hard I pushed the lever or pulled the door, I assumed it was broken and I pried the door open with my hands and a pocket knife.

Only after I

destroyed this poor microwave, did I see the button that said lock slash unlock?

Nobody saw what happened.

That's really, really, really rough, man.

Nobody saw what happened.

A lead walked by afterwards and I said, Hey, this microwave is broken.

He looks at the damage and says, Oh man, they're going to be mad.

This thing was brand new.

This happened first thing in the morning, so they're blaming night shift.

Dear brothers, what do I do?

That's from MicroScrewed and SoCal.

First, can I compliment you?

I want to give big props to you for using the passive voice of this microwave is broken.

Yeah, it has a broken broken.

That was a good first step.

That's strong.

Okay, this microwave is

don't justin please sorry please don't contradict me

uh yeah man you stabbed a mic

if you if the knife hadn't been part of it if you had just like broken it a little bit certainly not the knife Yeah, if you've been like, the door got weird and I don't think it's working anymore, you have plausible deniability.

If you insert a blade into this thing,

you can't say that's unrelated.

If you're a knife person,

everything looks like something you can get stabbed with a knife.

The problem is,

I see knife as like an extension of me.

So I don't really think of it as an escalation so much as it is my like claws or a sack.

Yeah, it's way natural.

I always have it, so it doesn't count.

I don't think the TSA should be able to take my knife.

No, you're a knife guy.

This is my knife.

Well, it's also just, I have to say, the smallest knife I've ever seen.

Exactly.

I just want a little bit of a knife.

He's not out there hunting crocodiles, Griffin.

Yeah, he wants a treat, a little knife.

Now, here's, I think what this is too, is a perfect encapsulation of new job panic when something goes wrong.

Because the fact that you went to stab,

and I'm going to assume here because you didn't clarify, a plugged in microwave with a knife that you weren't thinking about best case scenario.

You were thinking about how do I get away from this as quickly as possible anyone in the office clocks that I have broken the microwave with a breakfast sandwich.

Because if I'm at home and my breakfast sandwich gets stuck in the microwave, I'm like, well, time will fix this.

And I walk away.

All right.

I'm just going to pop off then.

If we're not, if nobody's going to talk about it, go king.

Microwaves are horrible.

Thank you so much, Justin.

Microwaves are designed by maniacs for no one, okay?

Here's the thing about microwave, right?

Say it.

You want to defrost, you want to cook.

You want to.

That's it.

That's it.

There's cook it hot, cook it not as hot.

Two things.

And then how long I want to do it.

That's it.

The fact that these fucking things all have a popcorn button and everyone universally knows.

Don't fuck, don't press that.

Don't fuck it up real bad.

Don't press it.

Or real bad.

I love popcorn.

Can you imagine if you rolled up to a stovetop in a kitchen and it was like, hey, we would love to give you selections for the heat and how high you want the heat to go.

Instead, we have one big button that says fish on it.

Imagine you're making stovetop.

Imagine you're making stovetop stuffing on the top of your stove and your mom comes in.

She's like, no, God.

It's like, what, mom?

It's stovetop stuffing.

Yeah, but you don't make it on the top of the stove.

Not stovetop stuffing.

That's the popcorn button.

That's microwaves.

That's where we're at.

Yeah, it's terrible interface design, and anyone, anyone could fix it.

There's three things I ever want to do with this box.

Why are you asking the weight is what kills me?

You think I'm going to trust you, the microwave?

I'm going to tell you I have a pound and a half of chicken.

And you're going to be like, hmm.

Well, let me see.

Fuck you.

How about this?

Harry

decides.

How about this?

How about every 15 seconds I open it to see if you burned it, you idiot?

Because that's what I do every single time.

I'm not going to trust you with this.

I assume that the lock-unlock button is a safety feature to keep kids from climbing into it, I guess.

Little tiny microwave-sized kids.

Yeah, for sure.

That's probably an option.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out a scenario in which you're like, this is my microwave safe.

Is it an unlock so you can open it while it's running?

Is this the feature?

It's like, well, if you're sure, I guess you're an adult.

Go for it, man.

Unlock it.

I think you did him a favor.

Yeah.

Getting rid of this shitty microwave.

You know, this is a call.

It's definitely under warranty, though.

This is sort of a trolley problem for me where I need to know how many people are on the night shift.

And is there a real sinker among them?

That is, well, that changes the math, I guess, a little bit, but I'm mostly thinking in terms of like,

what share of the guilt are these people going to carry?

If it's three people, that's too much.

And I think that you're like, those three people are going to be looked at very suspiciously.

If it's like five, six, seven folks, they can carry the weight of a microwave mystery amongst them.

As long as there can be some doubt.

I will say also,

next time,

next time, don't jump to a levering action.

Perhaps an unscrewing or a deeper examination with the knife.

If you have a multi-tool, maybe the world's smallest screwdriver, and you see if you could do that a little bit, levering is almost always you know

you are going to break it.

Like the idea is like it will break before you do it.

Of all the simple machines,

it is the one that can do certainly the most harm.

Yeah,

I think it would be wild to have a microwave that's designed to be like you can either push the button to open it or wedge something in the door and kind of crash it.

Either one works.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can either get a railroad spike and a gandy dancer to come over over and freaking pound it in for you or you can press the lock unlock button either one the lock unlock button is still bothering me because like

there is a state called on and off for this thing and if it is on this do not open should not be able to open that should be as locked as it gets yeah it shouldn't be on and unlocked because those are two binary states

never overlap it's you're basically turning it into a display case at that point like I want to present, I don't, I don't want to cook anything in it, but I don't want anybody to steal it.

Like, I just want to keep it in here and hot.

Is that it?

Is it an anti-theft mechanism?

Because what are you going to do?

Use a locked microwave?

Is it for like

you wouldn't download a boat?

What?

Yeah, for sure, man.

Whenever I make Cooper a breakfast corn dog, though, she is like ready and raring to rip that out of there, and she will burn a mouth on it if she's hungry enough.

Maybe that's well, a corn dog is a, is a, is a breakfast corn dog.

A breakfast corn dog is still the same concept and sort of molecular structure.

It's a lava hot core inside of a sort of obfuscating shell.

Another question?

I love that, Griffin.

Whenever I order pasta at an Italian restaurant, the server always comes around with fresh parmesan and says, tell me when to stop.

The problem is, I want an ungodly amount of parm on my pasta.

I'll sit there watching them great for what feels like forever.

And at some point, I feel like the server gets uncomfortable.

And I worry they'll just stop without me saying anything.

Brothers, how do I politely tell the server to quote stop when I tell you to stop?

And that's from Passionate Parm Lover.

Okay.

Okay.

The first thing I do want to say is

we don't need you guys to explain to us

everyday occurrences.

So, like, if you were to, like, we know when you go to an Italian restaurant and someone great to the parmesan, you don't have, that's not something that happens special at your local spot or like

a quirky thing.

I go to the factory where the spaghetti is made.

Thank you very much.

They do it a little different here.

So we do know about that.

So you could just say, like, when he's grating it up, like, I'll know.

Yeah.

You know, we'll understand.

We'll get it.

Just trust it.

We'll get it.

Yeah, we'll get it.

Because we all think about this.

I think what he is wanting, what the server

is wanting you to balance is your desire for cheese with your discomfort from taking more cheese than you are deserved.

Like you're owed.

Because you should know, obviously it's not your cheese.

So there is an inbuilt guilt.

Yeah.

And the waiter is asking, what's your limit for discomfort in taking my cheese?

This is, I think if I were to ever open an Italian restaurant, first, it would be terrible.

Don't eat there.

But second,

it would be bad.

One, I don't know anything about running a restaurant.

Two, i don't know like how to make food so but i would have a rule of like if you grate more than 10 seconds it becomes a side and there will be an upcharge for it you can do it interesting yeah but at this point you've now added a new element to the pasta is now an ingredient it's a side my mine would be i would make the server move the the grinder all around and so you have to move the pasta bowl underneath it to try and catch to catch all of it.

And if you drop too much on the table, it ends.

The game ends.

What would you guys think about this move?

Okay.

Let me take the helm.

Sorry, what were we talking about?

Parmesan.

Parmesan.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What would you think about this move?

Why don't you let me take the helm?

Let me take the stick on this.

I'll grab it.

No, you don't grab it.

You don't grab it, Griffin.

We don't grab it.

We don't grab.

But you say,

I'll do the cranking.

Let me crank it.

Right?

Because my worry would be, whatever, whether it's a grating motion or a cranking motion, their arm's going to get tired if you get the amount of parm that you want.

Right.

But you say, let me do it.

You tell me when to stop.

Yeah.

I like it.

You say, I like it chunky.

I like a chunky grind.

It's not the grinding they mind.

It's the fact that they have to walk back to the kitchen.

To get this cheese is done, they have to go get more.

So every nanosecond of cheese you're getting is condemning this person to walking back sooner.

Like you're giving them a chore, chore, right?

That's the balance.

You're balancing that with how much delicious, salty, zesty parmesan you want.

Yeah, that may make a lot.

It's going to make the posit taste so good.

What about a pre-tip where you're like, listen,

you're going to grate and you're going to be grating so long that you're going to think I've forgotten to tell you to stop.

But my friend Jackson here is going to get added to the tip if you just keep going

until I tell you to stop.

With that is,

if I realize that someone is doing a protracted bit with a server like that, and that's what it feels like to me, it doesn't feel like

it's not a common courtesy because courtesy would be just having enough cheese, right?

We wave bye-bye now.

You're not being courteous by saying, like, just for courtesy's sake, I'm a total, it's the dog in me, and I will just go ahead and eat all the crummy cheese you have.

And like,

and I might, just to be a gentleman up front I might bite your hand if you take the cheese away because I love the cheesy if you know what I mean

okay then just call ahead before you get there and say hey is it okay if I bring my own grater and parmesan with me I don't want to use up your guys parmesan and I know I've got that dog in me when it comes to the grated cheese so I'll bring my own from home And if there's any left over and anyone around me, even at other tables, wants them, I'll take care of that too.

I'm not trying to be greedy.

Do you offer a sort of 401k Parmesan matching program where you will,

however much I bring, you also will add to the dish because I can't get enough of this fucking salty stuff.

A lot of restaurants will have corking fees where you could bring your own bottle of wine and you just have to pay to like open it and drink it.

They should have that with cheeses.

Yeah, that's cool.

You could also do, I really like the useful hack of whenever I get a haircut that looks good, I'll take a picture of it so I can show the barber next time.

Maybe when you get an ideal cheese pour, you take a picture of that.

And when someone says, tell me when to stop, you'd be like, up, up, up, up, up.

Just this much, please.

This is the perfect amount.

My boy Tony hooked me up last time I was here.

Are you going to play ball or what's up?

Okay, when I open my own Italian restaurant.

I've had some trouble in the past with some of your less generous co-workers.

Gotten some look, some look you lose anything.

I appreciate it.

When I open my own Italian restaurant,

we will have a cheesing fee.

Paint a scene for me.

We can, first of all, it's not good.

It's being run very poorly.

It's either overstaffed or understaffed at any given time.

I can't seem to find the right amount of people to have.

But we will have a cheesing fee where for a fee, you can bring any cheese or cheese-flavored thing you want to put on your pasta.

No judgment.

You want to come and crunch up some Cheetos over your pasta?

That's it's yours, man.

Do it.

You know what I mean?

The chef, they should bring the chef out to watch you do it, though.

Yeah, that's what the fee includes.

Oh, gosh.

Counseling for the poor chef.

I,

if you gave them, if they said, I'll stop when you say when.

If you gave them like one little look and was just like, that's great, but fair warning, I got that dog in me.

And a little bit of a wink.

Would that get you thrown out?

Mind you, I said a lot of cheese.

I think they'd like it.

I said the same thing, but you're paying them money for it, Justin.

You're doing your version is do it.

Yeah, but wink it.

Tipping is so uncomfortable.

It makes it dirty offering the

bribe.

It's not a tip, it's a bribe.

The money makes it dirty.

The joke makes it the joke makes it dirty.

The joke and the money makes it dirty and a dirty bribe.

And I think they should get paid, but I think they'll also just pay servers a living wage.

Thank you.

We should pay servers a living wage, brave and bold.

Yes.

Thank you.

Can we go to the money zone?

Because I also think we should get paid.

I love getting paid.

Great.

I got a new kitty.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's two months old.

Her name is Jasin.

We've had her for about three days.

She's great, and I love her.

Yeah.

I'm looking forward to that.

I'm still undecided.

But it takes me a while sometimes.

You're undecided on whether you love my kitty or not?

She's a sweet, pretty kitty, but like, there's a lot of time for the for the apple cart to spoil.

That's true.

You have a like 100 different point metric that you use.

Prove it to me.

Prove it to show me what, show me what you got, kid.

But I'm excited.

Maybe.

I'm not going to say the whole reason I got a kitty was to try Samals, but I've heard such good things from Justin.

Yeah.

His kitties love it.

And it gives that ability to maintain consistency with food while still changing up the flavors and keeping your cat all interested and hooked on it, and I'm really looking forward to it.

It's been a great relationship between us and the cats and smalls.

Everything has been better since we started serving them wet food.

Like Travis said, you can paste out how much you're feeding them.

Their coats have looked better.

And I feel good about the stuff that we're giving them.

And, you know,

there's like a little bonus in there.

Sometimes, like, there's some treats in there.

That's fun.

The kids love that.

They'll go digging for the treats.

It's fun.

Justin's kiddies hate my fucking guts.

And that is because they know

I do not hook them up with smalls.

And they've told me as much.

For a limited time only, because you are one of our beloved listeners, you can get 60% off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com/slash my brother.

That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com/slash my brother plus free shipping.

Again, that's smalls.com/slash my brother.

Summertime's wrapping up, and we were all panicking and freaking out about all the stuff on our big summer list that we were going to get around to.

I did it all.

Said this, well, that's good for you, Travis.

Because I said, have fun.

That was the only thing on my list.

Have fun.

Mine was more ambitious, ride the big roller coaster.

Yeah, that's the huge part.

There was

learn to swim,

have my first kiss.

Yeah.

Get taller was on your list, which I thought was clear.

while having a first special kiss and like a lot of stuff.

You said you wanted your first kiss to be like the Spider-Man kiss

specifically from Toby Maguire.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You wanted to be Kirsten Dunstan.

And

I haven't gotten around to fetching my special baseball hat out of old man Murphy's yard with the junkyard, dog.

But if I'm going to have time to do that shit, then I can't be wasting time in the kitchen,

cooking up meals, doing prep, doing all the stuff that I absolutely hate to do in there.

I want to eat good food.

I don't have time to do it because

Mr.

Murphy's junkyard dog is so scary, and I have to learn how to run real fast to get away from that.

You need PF flyers, Griffin.

I told you.

You got to get Pierre.

My feet are too fucking wide for traditional baseball shoes.

I know, Griffin.

Damn it.

And you know that and you embarrassed me on purpose.

But Factor is where I go to get delicious chef prep meals that are delivered right to my door so I don't have to stress out about the time I'm wasting in the kitchen when I need to be training for dog survival.

They got over 65 weekly meals to choose from.

And I don't think they send you 65 meals.

That would be a really tremendous amount of food.

Maybe there's some way to request that.

But they have so many different meal options regardless of your diet.

They got premium seafood choices like salmon and shrimp, no extra cost.

Just flavors from all around this big, beautiful world of ours.

I've used Factor, and the food genuinely is quite good.

It's always sort of a crap chute, I know, with certain services like this, and Factor's one of the good ones.

Yeah.

So, what we want you to do is eat smart at factormeals.com slash Brother50Off and use code Brother50Off to get 50% off your first box.

Plus, free breakfast for one year.

That's code Brother50Off at FactorMeals.com for 50% off your first box.

Plus, free breakfast for one year.

Get delicious regular eat meals delivered with Factor.

Offer only value for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase.

I'm bold of them to think that we can handle that level of disclaiming, but I feel like we stuck the landing completely.

Nice job, Griff.

Thank you.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lom.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Oh, what are we...

What's this, Juice?

I wanna look at Spina Carpenter's mouth.

I don't.

Make my brothers look at Spina Carpenter's mouth.

There's a string string of saliva in the picture.

It is sucking.

Remember when you could sell donuts without blowjob ads?

Neither does Duncan Donuts.

Jesus Christ.

Guess who's back?

Back again.

Junker Blownuts.

This fall, Duncan is taking mornings back to where they began with the clink of a spoon in a cereal bowl.

That's...

What is that?

What is crazy?

It's the craziest fucking sentence.

Duncan is taking mornings back back to where they began.

What in the fuck could that mean?

To wonder

if primordial ooze slipped out of the God called Let There Be Light.

Yeah.

Watching nationwide today, the all-new cereal

the milk latte transforms that memory of the beginning of time into a sweetness.

Why did you have to screen share this extreme close-up on Sabrina's mouth way before you were?

Hello there, Duncan Daydream Hotline.

What can I do for you today?

Oh.

You're hot.

I see.

What?

I think I know what you're really craving.

A strawberry daydream refresher.

I'm sorry, did you free me cold foam and strawberry bliss?

Sabrina strawberry daydreams.

So, what was it done?

What?

What is why is it cut off?

The video that's playing right now.

I mean, no, no, no, when she was talking,

I just it was just

okay, okay, I'll rewind it.

I'll rewind it.

I'll rewind it here.

I'm sorry, did you free me cold foam and strawberry?

Did you creamy?

Sabrina's strawberry bliss.

So, like, so the suggestion

is that the demand she's talking to, jizzes?

Do you remember, earlier, listener, when I said, remember when you could sell donuts without a blowjob ad and you thought, oh, Justin's being a little puerile.

Not really.

I mean,

not really.

The man busts in the man busted on my Dubkin ad.

The man busted on my donut commercial.

The man busted.

All I'm going to say is that's nonsense.

I mean, that's nonsense.

A room full of people watched this finished product, and I'm going to bet unanimously said, yes, that's exactly how we want to.

That's exactly it.

The man should.

How much of the man?

And then one guy in the back is like, and what I add a boy.

Yeah.

Can I add one aruga?

No, Jim, you can't.

How long have you been the CEO of this company?

You know, you can't add arugas.

I appreciate Sabrina Carpenter's brand a lot.

It requires a certain suspension of disbelief that talking to someone on the telephone about a cold and frothy beverage being offered at the local donut restaurant would be enough to make you bust.

And Juice, show me the time code on the moment of the busting because I think it's like 20 seconds.

That's crazy, dude.

I also.

Wait, hold on.

I got to see the time on this.

Okay, 33 seconds from nothing to busting by hearing about a donut drink.

Are you okay, sir?

There is also

a level of sincerity to this commercial too like where's the winky jokey part exactly

i love this this is this is

i want to be specific here because you did mention sabrina carpenter's brand of of uh nonsense and to be specific i think this is great like if you if i was sabrina carpenter and dunk was like you want to do this ad and i was like okay but i'm gonna

i'm gonna be kind of insane with it like you know me i'm sabrina carpenter i'm gonna put some like sex stuff in there.

And Duncan's like, yeah, absolutely.

We love this.

Can you put a cum joke in?

We're Duncan donuts.

Like, we, like, can you put a cum joke in for Sabrina?

Get the money.

I'm saying, go for it, Sabrina.

Go for it.

Here's what it is.

It's a wild partnership.

It's a wilderness.

It's where they do the spider donuts that are orange with the donut holes to have a fake spider.

You trusted Superman donuts.

You just

know.

What is Travis?

I don't think you watched the same movie.

What juice?

That was a Krispy Krem promotion and a Dairy Queen promotion, but there was not a Duncan promotion with Superman.

Also, Superman would be all about a guy busting 33 seconds into

a phone call on.

That's what I'm going to say.

That's what being a human is about.

If this showed up as one of their funny fake commercials on Saturday Night Live or Smill, as we in the Know call it, I'd be like, oh, yeah, they nailed this.

That's the last thing.

That's why that's great.

But if it was on SNL, you know they would put more of the busting in.

Like, they would make it louder and more pronounced and not like kind of suggestive.

How long do you think the discussion was about what noises the person on the phone should be heard making?

A lot of debate.

Unthinkable.

Unthinkable that that was not scripted.

It was probably like they do with Kenny on South Park.

They knew exactly the nasty stuff he was saying.

There was almost certainly a version that contained, let's say, more explicit sounds.

And they're like, we,

we can't.

And less.

They probably had a version in there that was very like peanuts teacher.

I'd like to continue with the news, please.

Can I continue with the news?

Duncan is serving up a latte that tastes like childhood all grown up.

The new cereal unmilk latte combines espresso with cereal milk for a marshmallow cereal flavor that's creamy, rich, and unmistakably nostalgic.

I should stop here and mention, hi, I'm Justin McRoy, the human being.

I will fuck with this on an incomprehensible level.

I'm going to have an extra shot and it may be the first decent thing at Duncan.

Yeah, it's rare for you to be excited about a

offering like that.

I do want to point out that this is another of my favorite.

And Duncan is guilty of this a lot in their press releases of like talking about this like it is a metaphysical spiritual experience and not just like, right, hey, we had an idea for like, I know this is going to sound nasty at first, but hear us out.

What do you guys think?

You guys are gonna love this, right?

But instead, it's like this is your childhood.

You can get back, get back to a simpler time.

We can uh, building on the success of the Dunka latte,

Duncan is taking its taste latte innovation to the next level with cereal milk made with real cereal, unlocking that unmistakable bottom-of-the-bowl sweetness.

Now, now let's pause here.

It's latte innovation to the next level with cereal milk made with real cereal.

Hey, why?

Yeah, what are you doing?

And how?

And how?

Yeah.

Why?

And how?

Are you making cereal so you can destroy the cereal and put it in the milk?

That's cruel.

Who's eating that?

Who's eating that?

I'll be so pissed.

Why are you making it with real cereal?

You have fucking science, man.

Go get the vial.

This is fruitless

and scooch it in there.

Don't destroy the cereal.

That's good.

But I bet for employees of Duncan, this is a great unexpected benefit of like, hey, and Jimmy, we need you to eat all this cereal.

That's your job today.

It's just

dirty mouth anywhere near my cereal.

Like, I don't want it to be

associated, Griffin.

There's an associated.

I'm still, I don't,

I, yeah.

You want to see the, uh, they're doing some gear.

Do you guys want to see the gear?

Oh, hell yeah.

Does it specify what cereal the milk is?

No, isn't that what

going to be its erasure?

I mean, I don't know how else to say it, Griffin.

That's certainly not what I meant to say.

A cocoa pebble cereal milk is up against cinnamon toast crunch cereal milk.

It's two completely different cases.

Versus true.

There's three families, right?

There's the cinnamon family, there's the fruit family, there's a chocolate family.

You can overlap some of those, but like, I got to know where I'm going.

Then there's the one that the parent buys where it's like, no, this is the one we're going to be.

The cashi family.

Yeah, fuck that.

Yeah.

No, thank you.

Get your crackling oat brand flavored.

Oh, sorry.

I was going to show you guys the gear.

You can guess for free if you want which I bought, but I'm not going to tell you.

Screen.

Duncan Gear.

They had Duncan.

They call it a Duncan pop-up shop.

Oh, good.

You fooled me.

It's neat.

A neat little tent right here on the internet.

Yes.

That says Duncan at the top and bottom and all over it.

Yeah.

And you got dunkingear.com.

This is a cereal und milk.

Can we get a zoom on the milk in the bowl?

I don't think I can do that for you.

Its consistency is like yogurt.

It's a yogurt.

It's a very thick milk.

We've got level up your side.

There's a t-shirt.

There's a sweatshirt.

There's a trucker hat.

Oh, you got the trucker hat, Justin.

No, I didn't.

I got to meet ball caps.

I got the sweatshirt and the t-shirt.

So that is the story on that.

I did want to also let you know, guys, more public service kind of thing, but mark it on your calendars.

21st of August, we're talking about it.

The return of pumpkin at Duncan.

Pumpkin at Duncan.

The pumpkin at Duncan is back.

I thought you said pumpkin.

It's back already.

Pumpkin at Duncan.

Guests can add pumpkin swirl to their favorite hot rice coffee, cold brew, or espresso drink.

So I just want to let you know.

Can I pumpkin up the cereal milk drink?

I would rather.

Can it be cereal milk pumpkin?

Yeah, you can pumpkin in the cereal drink.

You can put pumpkin in the cereal drink and then call and talk to Sabrina Carpenter about it.

What if that conversion was like, oh, you put pumpkin in the cereal drink?

Yeah, that'll make you jizz for sure, sir.

Don't worry, I'm connecting you to the poison control hotline right now.

You shouldn't be busting in 33 seconds.

That is a result of the pumpkin toxin.

So that is the scoop over there at Duncan HQ.

I got to get one of those

soon.

How about one more question?

I'd love that.

I have just gotten off work and I'm walking home.

As I was crossing a parking lot, I saw a young man walking on a

sidewalk nearby.

He had a very long stick, was doing some kind of bow staff movements with it as he walked.

I'm talking, spinning it, twirling it behind his back, even swinging it as he was fighting off a group of assailants.

In context, it was a strange thing to see, but it did look pretty cool.

I admire this young man's skills and confidence to practice them while walking down Main Street during rush hour.

And I wanted to say something like sick moves, but I was worried that I'd come off as mocking him and didn't want to feel embarrassed.

So I stayed quiet and I didn't watch him for long.

Is there a way I could have paid this young warrior a genuine compliment that would be taken in the way that I meant it?

And that's from Bostaff Bystander in Bentucky.

This guy was probably a college student and they work at a college.

So there's like on campus.

The college does have some kind of Jedi club or LARP group or something.

So maybe he's in that.

Man, if he's not,

go grab him.

You got fucking great.

You should try to get some of the details sketched in for yourself because you shouldn't run up and be like, hey, just so you know, we got some kind of nerd club here.

Look into it.

Like, thank you.

If you're not the president of the Jedi Club, you should join them because the Jedi Club are.

Okay, sorry.

What's up?

I just watched a video the other day of Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen at some kind of like convention where somebody handed them both lightsabers and they're kind of like, uh, yeah.

And then they start busting out, full, like, whip it behind their back and still doing the hell yes.

Yeah, they do.

It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.

So cool.

You can't unlearn it.

You can't.

No, yeah.

I mean, I still

credit, by the way.

Credit goes to Hayden and Ewan.

If I can, please.

They have just clung to that fucking shit and refused to acknowledge that those movies are dirty dishwater.

And somehow, just through the sheer force of will, they waited a fucking generation and have snowed these young people into thinking that is one of the good movies.

It's insane.

Just by like being there and hanging in there long enough, we have just like decided to ignore the fact that those movies suck.

Well, they didn't have to fucking look forward to it in real time and and drink the Star Wars Mountain Dew and go to Phantom Menace opening night with their dad and then have like a really weird energy in the drive home of like, was it not?

Was it not?

Like they didn't have to deal with that sort of trauma.

They can just watch the fight scene with Yoda on YouTube and be like, fuck yeah, you're the man.

Yoda the man.

Yoda man.

Yoda man indeed.

We've said his name more than three times in this one.

We're playing with fire.

That's so cool.

What's difficult is I often get this just because like someone's lifestyle choices makes me happy because it makes me happy that they're like just living their life and doing whatever.

Like I saw a lady like just talking to her dog as it used the bathroom like full on talking to her dog.

And it was like making me so happy.

And I and I was like driving and the my consistent rule is if you are driving, there is nothing you can say to anybody that will not be taken as bullying.

I'm going to assume if you're saying it from a car, you're about to have a bottler effect.

Like

exactly, it's it's exactly if you're hanging out of the passenger side of your best friend's ride there is nothing you can holler at me that is going to come off as like a positive thing but just a walking just a pedestrian passby

there might be a way i do think we're gonna have to expand from the

so the power imbalance in the first scenario is obvious and that's why it's not okay but there is a power imbalance to paying someone a compliment and then being sort of chained to your own own foot speed.

You know, like for, and then you're really foot speed then becomes incredibly important.

Yeah, you're going in the same direction.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Velocity, angle.

There's a lot of

geometry that goes into whether or not you can do this compliment.

I'm going to give you the universal.

I think there's a universality to the compliment.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, brother.

Hell yeah.

I don't think you could take hell yeah as insincere.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah is always pretty sincere.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think you could.

Hell yeah.

Even if I think they're goofing about it, it's still like kind of a fun way to do right.

I don't think that's going to hurt so bad.

Also, you're twirling a bow staff in the middle of the college grounds.

You know you'll be seen.

There's a certain extent to which you know you'll be seen.

I'm not saying that you're inviting commentary, but you're walking around twirling.

You must, I'm excited for you.

You must understand it's an uncommon practice.

You should also understand that if you go to someone and you say, Hey, moves are looking good, this person's doing the moves in public.

With all due respect, they know they're looking good, you know what I mean?

Like, they didn't come out here day one.

You're probably seeing day 158 of their Bostaff journey, right?

They just now decided to treat us all to it.

This is, they've been on the grind inside.

I would also worry, I think, where my particular brain would go is if I complimented anything with any specificity, this person is now going to start talking to me about how they could introduce me to the way of the bow staff.

You want nothing to, that's not, yeah, I'm not part of this.

Like, you can't perceive me, I perceived you.

Don't perceive me back.

That's

what I care for.

Hell yeah.

She's like, I support this from a distance.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Clearly, that's all I needed to say.

I was moved by the spirit.

This wasn't a planned response.

It just bubbled up.

But if I'm like, sick moves, that's going to feel like, let's compare and contrast.

Like, like now let me show you my bow south moves

so many greeting oh man okay so many greetings that we have are societal based in that like i'm trying to signal to you that i'm a normal person in society and you're a normal person in society and we're both safe and normal so we do this like common accepted greeting whatever it may be right there's not a good way of acknowledging that both of us are like

in on the joke you know what i mean that we sure are approaching this whole thing with the appropriate amount of levity it's hard to signal that in a in a life-affirming way because genuinely when i see people who are just like going for it it brings me a lot of joy i want to communicate that to them but also it's none of my business you know that's kind of the whole point with being on your own journey you're just kind of doing your own thing and it's hard to say to people in a non-ironic way like we both kind of get that this is uh kind of silly huh but this is we're having

cool it's cool

we're having a good time though right no i mean life like the whole thing right like we're having a good time not the bow staff not the bow staff human experience the whole human experience like you're having fun with it you're not like i don't know never having a bow staff you know

my personal my personal view of this is if someone has made a clear choice that is a very visual thing like if I wear my suit jacket that's covered in like gold sequins I didn't wear that so people wouldn't compliment it.

You know what I mean?

This dude's out here twirling his bow staff with his sick moves walking down Main Street.

He didn't do that to blend in.

That he wants you get noticed and perhaps compliment.

He's being impeccable with his word.

I got my bosaff out.

I want people to come tell me my bow staff moves are cool.

Yeah.

Tell them my bosaff moves are cool.

Hey, to approach this from a different angle.

Maybe he's on his way to kill somebody.

Yeah, maybe.

And you just let him fucking go because he's carrying a weapon around and flailing it around because he's going to kill someone dead,

and you just let it slide

temptation to challenge him to a fight, wouldn't it?

Yes, Griffin, imagine you're a homicide detective and you get the call and you're like, okay,

what's the murder weapon?

What do we think?

It's like guy came in with a bow staff.

He was sick as shit.

Like, there's a level to which you, even as a homicide detective, would be like, holy shit, really?

Yeah.

You killed him with a bow staff?

Blunt impact trauma, many, many hits, and he was humming Duel of the Fates the entire time.

So I think we actually know our guy.

Yeah.

You can go home.

Clock out.

And it was kind of cool.

It was cool.

I had to admit it.

Not to him, but I did.

Hey, thank you so much for listening to our podcast.

We hope you liked it.

Did our best.

Yeah, we did our best, and we had a good time.

And at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.

But it would also matter to us a great deal if you'd come see us live.

If you live in Atlanta or near this week.

Or you're you're willing to travel.

If you're willing to travel, Atlanta is beautiful this time of year.

It's a Delta hub.

Yeah, we're going to be there for DragonCon doing stuff there this weekend.

We're going to be there doing the Adventure Zone.

It's Taz versus Popeye, which I'm very excited for.

And my brother, my brother, and me all

during DragonCon in Atlanta.

And DragonCon events, too.

We'll put that up on our

MacRoy Family Instagram so you can see where we're going to be and everything.

If you are going to be at that Mabimbam show in Atlanta and you have a question you want answered or a fear you want read aloud, email it to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put Atlanta in the subject line and we'll consider it.

We got other shows coming up too in San Antonio and Austin and Utah and San Diego.

You can find ticket links and everything at bit.ly slash McElroy Tours.

Also want you to know we've got a back-to-school sale going on.

It runs through August 31st with select items up to 40% off.

We got three different back-to-school bundles on sale.

Check that out.

And you get a free mystery pen with purchase of $30 or more.

10% of all merge proceeds this month will be donated to World Central Kitchen.

MackerelMerge.com.

Thank you to Montane for the use of our theme song.

My Life is Better With You.

Check out Montane's new album, It's Hard to Be a Fish if You Haven't Already.

It's got

so much wonderful music to offer you, and it's all right there, and you can just listen to it.

Do we have a fear?

We do.

Griffin, will you read it this week?

Sure thing.

Here it comes.

Just got to shrink this big tab of you guys out of the way.

Get out of here, brothers.

What is this?

Get out of there.

You still there?

Yep.

It's right here.

Cool.

Here it goes.

This year, I will be faster than my fear of being bullied at the farmer's market.

My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

My brother, my brother, may kiss your dad square on the lips.

with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

It's better.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

It's better with you.

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