MBMBaM 773: Face 2 Face: Callioucifer

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

Life,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true,

It's better, it's better with two.

Hello, Sacramento.

Welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the Modern Era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

I'm your middlest brother, Travis, big dog, Wolf, Wolf McRoy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your sweet baby brother, Griffin, 30 under 30, media luminary, Bill Ford, Tough McAroy!

And

Griffin and I had to actively have a conversation with each other backstage where we told each other we needed to calm down.

Because both of us were too riled up.

I mean, we heard y'all, and we got the zoomies.

So literally, right before we walked out on stage, this is not a joke.

Travis and I were sitting there talking about the advantages of a fly rail system versus a half-fly system.

And Griffin was running in circles around us.

Genuinely.

Just like...

Just like Putton making

trash.

We don't normally talk about shows in front of other shows, but last night when we did Dad Lands,

I'd sunk a nasty 30-foot cornhole shot while fireworks from the nearby Angel Stadium boomed in the sky.

I've been awake for 40 hours

coursing with pure sports adrenaline.

I'm feeling okay.

Yeah.

I'm pretty even keeled.

I'm going to be the level head of the show.

I'm so happy to be here, Sacramento.

Thank you so much for having us.

traveled here together, this beautiful building.

I say we make the most of it.

I say, I want to say yesterday, while we did travel most of today, yesterday we had kind of a day off

from travel.

We performed last night, but we didn't have to do anything we were in Anaheim.

And I'm, you know, I'm kind of a Disney guy.

So, but I didn't want to go to Disneyland without my family because I don't know, I don't like, it just felt weird.

So, but it said we went to downtown Disney, which is like if

Disney made a mall, I don't know if you know about that, but if Disney made them all, it'd be called downtown Disney.

They got one over in Florida, too, and it's Disney Springs.

Badaway, Badaway, you know,

yonder about as far from here as physically possible in the continental U.S.

But it's called uh Disney Springs, similar idea.

But we, uh, Travis was indulging me and he let me walk from uh downtown Disney into the uh just the courtyard of the grand californian hotel yeah and it took some justin was like i want to go in there but i don't think we're allowed to no of course not and i was like it's not a ride it's a hotel we can walk in and you can just walk in but then to return to disney springs you have to go through security and i said i don't want to it's a whole thing it's a whole production and guys i don't know if what it is about my brain i hate taking my stuff out of my pockets i it feels so vulnerable i hate it that's my stuff and i have the pockets of a boy you know what i have the pockets of a small boy

i smell like a fucking chewing gum like an 1800s by tom sawyer i got like a bullfrog and some jacks and a pocket knife you know and So I go in and I'm like, we did walk around and it was beautiful.

And I'm glad my brother encouraged me.

But then as I'm going back through, I have to empty my pockets.

And this guard for this at Disney World is looking at the dish and he looks at my vape.

And he says, and this is what he says: It's important to know:

it is a weed vape.

It's a weed.

It is important to know that.

Okay.

There's different kinds of vape.

There's different kinds of vape.

It's my weed vape.

Stink vape.

Okay.

Extra oxygen vape.

Yeah.

Nutrient vape.

Yeah.

Olive oil.

So

this

Disney cop looks at me and says,

what's in that?

Now, sir, I am

not a lawyer, and I am 100% certain you are not within your legal rights to ask me what is in that vape.

Guaranteed.

No question at all.

He didn't get a briefing that morning, like, okay, pal, listen up.

If someone comes through with the green stuff, we've had a problem with people trying to smuggle cush through.

Yeah, yeah.

No, you haven't.

But this guy has...

And Goofy's got the drug test coming up, and he's got a weak will.

This man,

Travis was with me, so he could testify this.

This man asked, what's in this?

And he might as well have looked at me and said, say nicotine as loud as you can right now.

Hey, hey, husky boy, say the word nicotine as loud as you can.

Because that's what I did.

Of course.

Sir, sir,

there are three actual police officers five feet feet from this man.

This Disney cop is trying to make me go down for possession.

No, thank you.

It's nicotine, sir.

And as we're leaving, I said, Travis, good news.

I bought you some mallard bites at the World of Disney because he loves Darkwing Duck.

I do.

And then he said, I got some goofy sourballs for Griffin.

And then I said, I also bought Griffin goofy sourballs.

And it was like an ironry story.

I know.

We both bought you goofy sourballs.

I got candy.

Griffin got two candy.

Justin got no candy.

Well, the irony.

Justin did.

Okay, backstage, Travis was like, hey, bro, I hooked you up.

I got you goofy sour balls, which went away for a while, which is fucking crazy.

But then Justin was like, I got you some too, but I had to leave them behind in Anaheim.

Hey.

How fucking military grade is the packing you're doing where a little package of goofy sour balls like broke the spatial bank a little bit.

Okay, I was trying to spare your feelings.

If you want the truth, we had to leave at 6.45 a.m.

And at 6.30 a.m.

while I was packing, I thought, fuck, Griffin.

Wait, so it was punitive?

No, it's like...

What did I do?

No, it's like I'm packing.

It's like early.

Like, can you dim the lights, like, really, really low?

Like, make them kind of low, like lower.

Just dim it like.

Like, we're here in the audience.

So it's like it's like the morning.

It's like the morning, right?

Justin can't be mean to me if people are watching.

So.

So No, it's like dark, right?

It's the morning.

It's like, oh, I'm just waking up.

And then I like, see, I'm packing.

Like, I'm packing my things.

Yeah.

Getting it all together.

And then you see my small ball sack.

Small ball sack.

And I think,

I think, ah, fuck Griffin.

That's how I think.

And

you threw them in the garbage can instead of throwing them to me?

I left them as a nice tip, I thought, unopened.

Five bucks and some goosey sour balls.

You do worse than that.

Sure.

Do worse than that.

Do you want me to call the hotel and see if they'll mail them to you?

Yeah, please.

Yeah, you got it.

My brother has legal property there.

It is his legal property.

My brother left his sourballs.

Not the brother that was in the room.

A different brother.

Those are intended for the younger brother, though.

If you could ship them to the older brother, so then he could ship them to the younger brother so that everything will be fixed.

I'm never seeing those sour balls.

This is an advice show.

Believe it or not.

And this is our first question from you, the people of Sacramento.

No, I need to jump back real quick.

So I gave Griffin the bag of goofy sourballs.

Griffin, at that point, completely unaware Justin had also bought goofy sourballs.

And I wasn't going to nark.

And then Justin voluntarily said, I also got you a bag of goofy sourballs, but I had to leave them behind because they didn't fit man's.

Amanda, will you please call the hotel?

Don't.

It's not funny.

Amanda?

I need an up.

And Paul, will you keep me updated?

There were, Amanda, if it may, if it helps, Amanda, if it helps to raise the steaks, there were several several bags of unopened candy in the pile Amanda

It was a general yeah, so if you could just see if they could track down the unopened candy I don't know how far it is from here to Anaheim, but I'll try to swing back by there tomorrow morning on my way to the plane to make a special stop swoop around Let's do a question or I'll die.

What

what should

What should I do about my giant tortoise's explicit love making to my kids turtle-shaped sandbox

Important to note, they are very much in love.

And that's from SexEd in Sacramento.

I would ask if you're here, but I think you're literally

right in front of us.

A large stone's throw away from my human body right now.

That wasn't the sound of laughter.

That was the sound of someone realizing they're about to have a very surreal evening.

I like the phrasing of this where the question isn't how do I stop my giant tortoise's explicit lovemaking to my

turtle-shaped sandbox, but rather, what do I do about it?

Yeah, yeah.

And thank you for leaving open, like, maybe the answer isn't find a way to stop.

I don't know how to make a turtle less horny, like

or make a turtle sandbox less sexy, less sexy, yeah.

We used to have this exact sandbox, I think most people did.

And Griffin would fuck it, it happens.

He was 14 and exploring his body.

He had things to learn about love.

Frankly, the apple pie franchise was out of ideas.

American pie.

Fuck!

It worked!

The bit played!

It was like a six out of five.

It could have done a lot better.

Hey,

maybe you could convince the kids that that's how turtles keep their nails trimmed.

I know a lot of nature's animals have to rely on those sorts of activity, like scratching or what have you.

I think you could get away with that just from the motion that the turtle makes while the lovemaking happens.

How would you describe that?

I mean, if you know what's happening, like, it's very obvious what's happening.

If you don't, you could just be like, oh, he's doing some turtle pull-ups or whatever.

Right, turtle pull-ups.

But the sound that they make is,

you can't call that anything other than...

an orgasm.

An orgasm.

An orgasm.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe you could find smaller versions of the turtle sandbox and after a while set them out around that and be like, they made babies.

Yeah, that's how.

See, it's not just sex for pleasure.

They needed babies for some reason.

Could you find an extremely tiny toy turtle to hump your turtle while your turtle's humping the giant toy turtle?

And explain that's how the universe exists.

It's turtles fucking all the way down.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a very, that's a really good joke, Travis.

I do want to just make space for what Justin said.

You obviously saw an opportunity to say something funny there and you sprung on it.

And I get that because we're in a live environment and we want to dazzle Sacramento tonight.

But what Justin said was so patently fucking bonkers.

Especially when the question is, what do I do about it?

I assume because your children might observe the turtle having the tortoise having.

Hold on, Justin.

No, you've spoken, Juice.

And so Justin's suggestion is maybe pull it to an even more abstract explanation you might have to make to your children by making it a threesome.

Yeah.

Making it a turtle-based Eiffel Tower scenario.

Yeah.

It's one of those tower of Hanoi puzzles where you have to move the turtles without putting a bigger turtle on a smaller turtle.

I didn't see the...

When they said what do I do about it?

I didn't see the problem, so I didn't know what I was trying to fix.

Honestly,

you're trying to spice it up in case the turtles

sandbox love making gets.

It sounded like they just wanted to be present and involved and supportive.

So that I don't know.

Well, then you just need to make sure you have some power bars and Gatorade nearby.

Because these are turtle, so I'm assuming it takes a long time to get a kind of fuck going.

They can't have power bars.

They're turtles.

They gotta eat pizza.

You should know better.

I have a sleep test coming up, and I've been told to bring things with me that make me comfortable.

However, I like quite a bit of weight on me for my anxiety.

For me, that means seven blankets.

Would it be weird if I brought in seven blankets to sleep for my sleep test?

That's from Sleepless in Sacramento.

Are you here?

All right.

That was a good thing.

We've heard a lot of different sounds people have used to represent their presence, but not that one before.

That was cool.

You know, sometimes you're sitting there thinking, I know what sound I'm going to make.

I've got it all cocked and ready to go.

And then the moment comes and you open your mouth and a different sound comes out.

And we've all been there, and I understand it.

It's valid and relatable.

When it happens to us, there's usually a microphone in front of us.

Yeah.

I guess my question is, how do you transport seven blankets without it being absolutely clown shoes?

Because I can't figure it out.

Even if they're all rolled up cigar tight, that's seven blankets.

like you are definitely gonna have there's gonna be a moment where it's gonna have to be like i've got more in the car or can you help me with these or yeah all seven that's right or you wear them like seven big superhero capes at the same time yeah that's the only thing i can think is you wear them and walk into the sleep clinic like the baba yaga like

i'm ready for my test

I bet though that if you're a sleep doctor and someone comes in with seven blankets and you're like, oh, that's easy.

okay great thanks for making the diagnosis of the problem so straightforward yeah

that's too many that's too many secrets easy that's why we do these tests guys okay cool man we saved another life everybody i five seven's too many that's why we do the tests start walking it back try six for a while to see if five works until eventually you're down to one

You can roll up to the sleep laboratory with your seven blankets and say, I gotta sleep.

And the only way I can sleep is with these seven blankets and this giant cardboard standee of Anthony Keatus from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

And then they'll be like, That's fucking wild.

And you're like, That's right, that's a good point.

Sorry, Keatus, you're out.

Just the seven blankets.

So you made a sacrifice, and then they show you demonstrated that you're flexible.

Yeah.

I have, I need to do a sleep study soon, and I think it's the wildest shit in the world to be like, I'm having trouble sleeping.

Okay, great.

Come in to a place that isn't your bedroom.

Yeah.

And let some strangers watch you fall asleep.

Yeah.

Which must be the optimum conditions, surely.

And then we'll try to figure out if there's a problem.

Yeah.

There might be a problem in that I'm in hell.

You could cloak.

You could cloak some in your apparel.

Maybe you have a particularly voluminous scarf.

And you're like,

oh, it's gotten chilly in here.

I'm going to, oh, no, it's a blanket.

Just kidding.

That's was one of the blankets.

Or you've got a belt.

You're like, wow, I love your sash.

Oh, thank you.

It's a blanket.

It's another blanket I bought in.

Seven, though, Juicy.

Seven, though, seven.

Yeah, that only got me to two, and then I ran out.

Can you bring in three blankets?

That's, in my mind, the maximum normal amount of blankets.

And then you go, and then you get in the bed and you're like, oh, shit, I forgot something in my car.

And you take one of the blankets out, but then you come back in with three more blankets.

just sort of very-that's only five, keep going.

Well, then you're gonna do another trip, another round trip.

Like, and then she gotta take the fox across and leave the grain.

No, take the chicken, bring the grain back in.

My friend who said in the question, I'm gonna ask a question, and then just one-word answer, just yell it out.

Are you going to need other things besides the seven blankets?

Yeah, okay, great.

Okay, no, wait, no, no, no.

Just, I just need one more answer.

Just give me a number of how many other things you're going to need.

Eight.

Sorry, if you could say the number again,

three.

Three.

Okay.

Someone got really excited about.

I scaled the number eight.

Yeah, three in addition to the seven sleep blankets.

Okay.

All right, so I notably do have seven sleep horcruxes that I need to fall asleep.

Please, please, Justin, talisman.

Right, so as we know.

Unless, have you put portions of your soul into your sleep talisman?

I don't think your white noise machine contains a little juice in it.

Yeah,

I have my sleep headphones that go around there.

I got my two sleep bracers that keep my carpal tunnel in check.

And then I got my special square pillow and then my sleepy squeezing pillow.

Yeah.

That's five, I think.

Right.

And then I have the weighted blanket and then I have my cold blanket.

The weighted blanket I don't use all the time because that's only when it's not too hot.

Cool.

Awesome.

So how does that relate to our current question?

You asked, no, you said how many other items?

Well, three.

Great.

Well, they're up to you.

I was

like, I'll explain it if you give me a fucking second.

I was going,

I was in a judge, not listen to you, be judged situation, because seven items of any sort,

whatever.

But when you're pushing the max up to 10 items, then it's harder for me to sort of grant clemency.

Yeah, okay, now hold on.

Yeah.

Within that, though, I think is the solution because at least three of those items, you're going to bundle up in a blanket each and tie to a stick like a bendley

and you're going to come in with those and the blankets at that point oh who knows if they're blankets well as long as i got them i might as well use them so then you're only bringing in four blankets but we can go even further by taking one blanket into another blanket and bundling that one up oh now you're only bringing in five things and admittedly five bendle sticks which which is a lot anyone will tell you a lot of bendle sticks

you should also call ahead and say, how many blankets do you all have there?

And they'll say, we have blankets.

And you say, you did not hear me.

That's not the question I asked.

So recently, I was doing some online research, by which I mean reading the entire Wikipedia entry for Entourage.

Oh, dear.

And I had some fascinating revelations that I would like to share with you boys in a segment called Trav Talks.

Sorry, I have to I have to get my microphone.

Oh yeah man.

Oh shit Trav, you look so cool right now.

I have to get my microphone.

Hey Trav, wait, I'm fuck yeah man.

Wait.

Trav, Trav, Trav, wait.

I'm super confused, Trav, because you put in your kick-ass microphone and then you picked up the microphone off the table.

Well, the microphone I've just put on my ear isn't connected to anything.

But it gives me a sense of gravitas that I need to present this important finding.

Yeah, man, you look gravitas gravitas as hell right now, dude.

Might as well call it Travitas.

Yeah, dude, for sure.

Look Sacramento.

We've never stood.

Can I put my feet on your chair or is that?

We have your chair.

Fuck yeah, dude.

My name is Travis McRoy, and I am an entourage scholar.

Let's get it really yucky juice.

Yeah, man.

I've put a lot of work into the findings.

I'm excited to present to you today.

And a Trav Talk that I have titled, A Perfectly Normal and Reasonable Fan Theory About Entourage Regarding the Creation of All Things within the multiverse.

Jesus Christ, Trav.

Now, I'm sure all of you are familiar with Entourage.

A show that went off the air 50 years ago.

But in case you are not, this is the cast of Entourage, the main characters.

If we can go to the next slide, please.

We have...

This show is called Canceled Guys, the TV show.

A bunch of problematic dudes.

Here at Turtle.

Wait, is that the turtle that was

freaking your sandbox?

We have Turtle.

In the middle, there is Vince.

He's a movie star,

and he has brought his boys with him, as well as his agent, Ari.

So you have Turtle, Ari, Vince, E, and Johnny Drama.

Yeah, yes, we all know this.

We know them.

We know them.

And what you might not know is that it's based on, if we can go to the next slide, the life of Mark Wahlberg and his real life friends.

Right.

And at some point, there's differing stories, but the claim is one of them said, our lives are so interesting, we should make a TV show about it.

So they created the fictionalized version of Mark Wahlberg's life in Eourage.

You're telling everyone stuff they already know.

So then,

here's where the fan theory begins.

I would also say, by the way, the person in this group that thought that their lives are interesting enough to make a TV show about it, history has proven them to be right.

That's true.

Thank you.

Then,

after

the eight seasons of the show completed, sounds pretty interesting to me, Draff.

They made a movie about it.

Right.

At the end of that movie, the character Billy Walsh turns to our main characters and says,

we should make like a TV show or a movie about your lives.

Can we go to the next slide, please?

So,

we can infer from this that the Mark Wahlberg universe led to the creation of the Vince universe,

which then would lead to the creation of a third sub-universe.

Okay, so tell me about this here, Travis.

Who are these guys?

I'd love to meet this.

Well,

this is the result of Googling group of four white men.

I noticed you've de-pivoned the third generation.

A little streamlining.

You're having

down some of the weed.

The

Gen Z doesn't need a bunch of boobers hanging around.

Yeah.

Now,

from this,

me and the other entourage scholars have developed two theories.

I'm going to start with the first one.

This isn't the one I ascribe to, but if you could show the next slide, Paul.

We have the turtle all the way down.

Our second turtle all the way down.

Yeah, unbelievable.

Now.

It would be foolish of us to believe that the Mark Wahlberg universe is the prime universe.

We have no indication of that.

Oh, shit, Trent.

We are right now living within the multiverse of entourage.

Okay.

Wait.

That there was a universe above us that said, Your lives are so interesting, you should make a TV show about it, which was then Mark Wahlberg's life.

And up and up and up, it's turtle all the way down.

Hey, I'm having an existential moment right now

that I was not ready to wrangle on stage.

Yes, I know, Griffin.

It blew my mind as well.

I've been asleep for a week and a half.

Awake?

Oh, my God.

Anyways, now we're going to talk about the second theory, the one that I believe in.

If we can go to the next slide.

Wait, why did you come up with another one after that?

This is the Ari Boros theory.

Okay.

Or there is always an entourage.

There's always a show.

There's always an Aquaman movie.

Man, they actually made a fucking Aquaman movie.

They did.

And a telling of the great Gatsby directed by Martin Scorsese instead of Boz Luhrmann, which it was in our universe.

Holy shit, dude.

Yes.

Yeah, dude.

So, in this theory,

it is that it all feeds back constantly, and it is the power of the universes that retroactively created everything.

Then, wait, is the entourage we all watched and fucking loved on TV like the nexus of this?

No, no, no.

It's part of a continuum.

It's part of a continuum.

It's all the nexus.

It's all not the nexus.

So, but here is, this is the issue that I have with this theory, Travis, compared to the last one.

Okay, the last one makes sense to me because even if we cannot see an origin or an end point, we can assume logically that there is one, right?

Yeah, yes.

With this theory, it is predicated on some sort of inciting action that started the momentum of

some point.

God and his friends said, Our lives are so interesting,

we should make a show about it.

Okay, and it kicked off this whole cycle.

So your theory, the Ari Boros theory has to exist within a monotheistic religious world.

Holy shit, wait a minute.

Now, it doesn't have to.

You said God singular.

He said God singular.

It could have been Zeus.

It could have been any God.

We know.

But this theory also would lead us to believe that even though the Mark Wahlberg universe led to the creation of the Vince universe, that because this is a cycle, eventually the existence of the TV show Entourage also leads to the existence of our universe.

That's great stuff, Travis.

I also love how you've accidentally created a very powerful, depressive mantra in a lifestyle is a terrible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's the point?

What's the point in a lifestyle?

It's an endless loop of entourage that we are all trapped in, Griffin.

I think it speaks for itself.

A lifestyle is a terrible.

Thank you for joining me for tonight's Trav Talk.

Thank you so much.

Travis, I learned so freaking much off of that one, dude.

Normally, I don't feel like I learned anything.

Yeah.

I don't know why you had to say the second part.

Sorry, you're right.

Could have just stopped after I learned so much, but not your usual shit.

I've been backpacking more often, and here in California, IA, we have black bears.

If one gets too close, I was taught to yell, hey, bear, to scare it away.

But you could yell anything at a bear.

Hey, bear.

We don't speak English.

Hey bear has long been used because it's easy to remember.

What are some other things I could yell at to scare a bear away?

That's from bearing it in the bay.

Are you still here, I hope?

Yeah,

nice.

Hey, can I just say, If I was a bear, that would have scared the shit out of me.

Good job.

Is it possible that the reason hey bear is so effective, that in that moment, the thing that's scaring the bear is that they're like, oh no, I've met this person before and I can't remember them, but they know who I am.

Oh, God.

God, this is so awkward.

I need to leave.

Or you've introduced it to a level of self-awareness that maybe it has never possessed in the wild of like, oh, shit.

You're right.

Dang.

I'm a bear.

That's so cool.

I've never thought about it.

Are you something else other than a bear?

I've never thought about that.

You are smaller than I am.

Dude, I gotta go away and think about this and watch some entourage.

So, I do have to call into question the logic of we use hey bear because it's easy to remember.

Is the argument there that you'll be confronted with a bear and be like, oh, fuck?

What?

Oh, shit.

I yelled with it.

I gotta yell something.

What is it?

It's made of money.

Fuck.

No.

Fuck.

That's not what I should have yelled.

It is not a wizard with a riddle for you.

How often have you been confronted by a bear that you can say that with such confidence?

I mean, there's one of the three of us who has been confronted by a bear on this stage tonight, and he is sitting on stage right house left.

Yes.

And when that happened, I did not yell.

I did.

No, I didn't.

I just walked briskly back to my car and drove away.

Actually.

I didn't yell anything.

What if you yelled, I'm a bigger bear?

They're not stupid.

They're scary, scary.

No?

They're not stupid, man.

They'll get angry at you for that.

They're not dumb.

Did you make a conscious choice not to yell?

Because you were like, I don't want to piss this thing off.

What?

Yell.

I mean, yelling like, in what?

To what end?

You know what I mean?

Like, I guess I was scared, but I was more thinking, like, I'm going to leave before he notices me.

You just do bear stuff.

I like that in Griffin's mind, when Justin was confronted with a bear in real life, Justin was like, hmm, better calmly think through my approach to this situation.

I am the same human being that had just gotten out of his car to see if that was indeed a bear.

Okay.

Logic was off the menu.

I was just thinking and acting.

No, just doing.

I'm saying bears can't yell.

Thank you.

So you're doing something that they've never seen before.

That's the power of yelling.

If a big, huge alien showed up and you're like, what's that thing?

And then it did some sort of telepathic scream, you'd be like, what the fuck was that?

Yeah, I would get branches in each hand and spin around as I screamed.

You'd be like, Wow, that would be really something.

You could scream and start juggling.

Yeah, that bear might have a heart attack.

Yeah,

pull out your phone and turn on any YouTube video.

Check this shit out, bear.

Pull out your phone and use it to predict the weather.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

That bear's not gonna mess with you anymore.

You control the weather.

And showed a picture of other sexy bears.

That's right, bear.

Spare me.

I will provide you with so much awful.

I will provide you with more signed pornography than your mind can handle.

This bear's name is Yogi, and he's free, and he's got a necktie and a hat.

And you can be like, Yogi, too.

But then the bear has to deal with the idea of like assimilating to human culture.

Yeah, sure.

And the bear's like, no, I am wild and free.

I have no necktie, but I have my freedom.

My family.

That's what bears sound like, Ryan?

Yes.

Something like that.

Okay.

I love my food spicy.

At home, I can scove it up to my heart's content.

That's okay.

Yeah, I like that actually.

Scove it up.

But when I dine in at restaurants, though, I struggle to communicate the extent to which I want them to sell me their spiciest potions.

Some places have, if you said sell me your spiciest potions, I bet they'd want to hurt you pretty bad.

Some places have a special safe word like tie hot, but even then, I usually have to do a round of confirming I know what I'm asking for.

Is there a way I can deliver my order such that I don't have to justify my palate so often?

That's from Bound by Buffalo Wild Desire.

Are you here?

Nice.

Hell yeah.

The voice of a true spicy food enthusiast.

If there was anything, this is very contrary to my way of walking through the world, because if there was anything about me that was extreme to an extent where people had to be like, Are you sure?

I would want to do that every time.

Like, I would definitely want to go through through the whole rigmarole of saying, no, I'm a super tough guy, like you've seen on TV.

I thought you were saying you're on a different walk because if any of us eats food that's too spicy, our tummies just sort of crumble and disintegrate and we double over in pain instantaneously.

That is a huge issue for us genetically.

That's true, Griffin.

I think that there is a level of description that you could make in your order, making it clear that you know it's a ridiculous choice to do this.

If you're like, I want these, like, what, I want this thing to be the stupidest hot you've got, like, the amount that you wouldn't safely give a person.

And they're like, oh, okay.

I can see that where that might, okay.

I said at first that would be fun, but like, I think it might eventually get annoying because you feel like you're trying to like justify to people.

Like, it's not a stunt.

It's just how you like your food.

Yeah.

Super hot.

Is it?

Hold on.

Wait.

Is it kind of a stunt a little bit?

Yeah.

God, I love our listeners one time while at a buffalo wild wings they had a blazing hot wings challenge yes and i was like uh i think 20 21 years old and i was with my older brother who's prime dipshit eating age i was with my older brother whose respect i'm always chasing and so i did the blazing hot wings he's gonna get it someday folks i'm sure working there and i finished it i did it i achieved it And while eating those hot wings, my toes went numb.

Yeah, yeah.

And everything hurt real bad.

You're so sick.

And I think I did long-lasting damage.

Yeah.

And I guess what I'm saying is: if you're doing this to earn Justin's respect, it's not worth it.

It's not worth it.

I sank a 30-foot cornhole shot while Angel Stadium fireworks went off next door.

Justin gave me fucking nothing.

Nothing.

I want to keep him working for it.

I'm worried if I give them my approval, they'll die.

Let me hit you.

Let me hit you with this.

If you're a restaurant and you sell food that is traditionally pretty spicy, I think you should be allowed to have a special badge that you can give out to only your spiciest customers.

Oh, that's good.

And that way you show up to a place, you're like, gimme it's sloppin' tie hot, you say, and they say, what?

And then you say, please, your hottest food.

And they say, you can't handle that.

You just show them your gym badges.

Check it out.

This says...

Read the badge.

It says sloppin' hot.

Sloppin' hot at Doug's chicken boneyard.

God damn, he doesn't just hand those things out.

My apologies, sir.

I do think...

This is like medals for

service, things that you've achieved.

Merit service.

Merit badges.

Yeah.

They fill out as bars.

You know what I mean?

And if your rate gets high enough, Admiral Guy Fieri will come to your house personally to decorate you.

And I think every bar should taste like the thing that you...

Ate so you can prove to people like, oh, you don't think it's spicy?

Lick the bar.

Lick my bars.

Lick this bar.

Tell me it's spicy.

It's my spicy bar like tell me it's not spicy i do think though it would be knowing that you have this is almost like a you could have a secret identity in that you know you're someone who can handle the heat of the food but when you order the food you're like you know what i'm gonna try something different today no let me get it the spiciest you have it and they're like what no way and you're like no i yeah this seems like i want to try

that opposite effect yeah but i think they said they don't want to do what they don't want to do

but i think that what you're missing out on is that the server saying, are you sure, is a compliment.

Yeah.

That the heat that

you can take it is unbelievable to them.

Hey, has anybody ever taken it past your limit to where you said, oh, no, thank you.

Okay.

The tone of the time.

No, that was not the same tone.

No, someone

completely signed.

That wasn't a general.

We don't need to put anyone on blast.

By a round of applause if you ever eaten some food that's too spicy.

Hey.

Okay.

Has anybody ever eaten something that could have used more salt?

All right, this is a weird segment.

Do y'all like ice cream?

Okay, we got posters out in the lobby.

Make sure you grab one of my fan ARs.

They're fantastic.

Use the restroom.

Buy one of these beautiful coins.

All proceeds go to the Sacramento Food Bank and Family Services.

Send in your questions for the second half of the show.

We'll put instructions on the screen on how to do that.

And we'll be back in a little bit after intermission.

Be right back.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

It's better than you.

Cats.

Despite being in human beings' lives for hundreds, maybe thousands of years, we still know almost nothing about them.

Where do they come from?

Why are they like that?

How do they do the things that they do?

Literally, no one knows.

But the one thing that we do know about cats is that they love smalls cat food.

That's why we're so excited to have sponsoring us this week, Smalls Cat Food.

Smalls cat food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients you'd find in your fridge, and it's delivered right to your door.

That's why cats.com, which is like the website that cats go to, named Smalls their best overall cat food.

After switching to Smalls, 88% of cat owners reported overall health improvements, and that's a big deal.

If you love your pets the way that I love my pets, you know you want to do everything you can to keep them healthy, keep them happy, and keep them going.

And the team at Smalls is so confident your cat will love their product that you can try it risk-free.

That means they will refund you if your cat won't eat their food.

But I don't think that will be a problem because it's delicious and nutritious.

So for a limited time, only because you are a My Brother, My Brother, and Me Listener, you can get 60% off your first Smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com/slash my brother.

That's 60% off when you head over to smalls.com, s-m-a-l-l-s

dot com slash my brother plus free shipping again that's smalls.com slash my brother also want to take a quick second to tell you about our upcoming shows and stuff uh next up we're going to be in atlanta and we're doing taz versus popeye

which is going to be absolutely silly and wild energy off the charts probably some of the dumbest stuff we've ever done and you're not going to want to miss it uh we're also going to be doing my brother my brother and me and we'll be at DragonCon.

Uh, coming up, we're going to also be in Texas, Utah, and California.

All Taz shows for the rest of the year will be Taz vs.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly slash MacroyTours.

We also have a bunch of new uh merch, so go check that out, macroymerch.com, and go to bit.ly slash macroytours for all the ticket links and information with our upcoming live shows.

And now, back to the show.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's Learn Everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else, too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Gotta get up a little earlier to beat this fast ass.

I love it when you say that, Griffin.

I say that shit all the time.

I'm so fast in my life for real.

Whoa, whoa.

This is so embarrassing when this happens during the podcast.

Yeah, that was a shriek of terror, by the way, not a scream of excitement.

Haunted Doll Watch is here.

It's happening now.

These things are still out there on the electronic bay, and they got ghosts inside of them, and there's nothing you can do about it.

And people are still out there selling them, and eBay won't stop them, even though

people are getting hurt.

Because they can just make a new account pretty easy on eBay, no problem.

All right, let's get started, Paul.

First up, that's quick.

Awesome.

What?

Yeah, man.

Double.

It's got a bonus.

It's like how sometimes you buy a He-Man action figure and he would have a battle cat with him.

But the second part of that, I know what all those words mean individually.

Yeah.

But together

he created a strange word salad that I can't.

I want to meet Lidelia so bad.

I want you to meet Lidelia.

This is

at the beginning of the listing.

Fuck.

Whispers in the night, no one in sight.

Secrets of the dead, no lies are said.

The shadows on the wall seek to tell us all.

The future be foretold to the living soul.

I don't know.

It's just that part rhymes, so I assume that.

Was that from the website?

For a second, I thought you had made it up after somebody.

I thought so too.

You're reading it off a Google document, but now I'm realizing you probably just copied the eBay copy to a Google document.

You weren't moving.

I thought, Justin, Travis and I both looked over at your computer and thought you wrote a little scary doll song.

Paul, did you capture the part of the website that has that text?

Okay, so no, it's just on the website.

We believe him, Paul.

You don't have to prove it.

Paul, actually, can you go back to the first image of the listing?

Because I want to read.

Paul, they're right.

I shouldn't have distracted you, Paul.

Honodolidalia appears with her ghost cat twigs.

See video.

Yeah.

Eyes move.

OMG.

We're going to get there.

Don't worry.

Meet Lidelia.

She's the most active spiritual porter we've ever had the pleasure of offering.

This also, this shot, though, makes it look like a still from a scene in a movie where a guy is remembering his dead wife.

Yeah.

She's like, oh, give the camera out of the game.

There's a thousand-yard stare head.

Don't.

Liddelia was a young woman who lived in the 1700s.

Her father was a filthy rich railroad tycoon.

Promise Promise me we'll be together forever, Bill.

One of the most notable 1700s railroad tycoons.

Her father was a filthy, rich one.

And after his

one?

Liddelia inherited his entire fortune since she was his only child.

She lived in a lavish, gigantic mansion and wore clothing made from the finest materials available at the time.

Wait, hold on.

In the 1700s?

Yeah, it's hemp and were there railroad tycoons in the 1700s?

Nah, but what can you do?

Liddelia was extra.

That doesn't.

I'm not a history expert.

I mentioned that.

She doesn't quite say that.

Okay, she was born in 1799.

Yeah.

Liddellia was.

I'm going to get into railroads.

Liddellia was extremely beautiful, but somewhat aloof.

She fell above most of the men who begged for her hand in marriage.

That is an aloof stare right there.

I see it.

That is until she met Zane.

Killing Zane.

Zane was not rich, but he made up for it in his looks.

He was dropped dead gorgeous with wavy black hair and blue eyes.

The woman in the small town swooned over him and dreamed of having him for a husband.

But he only loved one girl, Liddelia.

I could.

Yeah, it's me.

You could strain angel hair pasta with those eyelashes, man.

They courted for a very short time until he asked her to marry him.

She pretended to, quote, have to think about it, but she was dying to say yes.

How do you know this story?

Did Lidelia tell you this?

Yes.

Is it word for word from her mouth?

So I pretended to have to think about it.

I know.

Coquettish.

Zane left the next day after the proposal to travel to another town for work.

On the way back, his carriage left the road.

He struck a tree, went into a deep gorge, and was killed instantly.

Upon hearing the news of her beloved Zane, Lidelia took her own life by hanging herself from a lavish balcony adorned in gold.

And her fortune went to, you guessed it, her cat twigs

oh

hold on lidelia dwells did they really include a picture of a cat it's so cool that this 1700s uh uh tease uh had a cat that is also now featured in stock images uh all across the internet that can i tell you i have lived my life making a number of choices that lead me to believe that if there was was a story of a young woman dying and leaving a huge fortune to a cat, I would know about it on.

There would have been a Disney Channel original movie on this subject.

Right.

Lidelia's eyes sparkle with a spiritual wisdom and her facial expressions change.

Orbs can be seen around her often.

She's always fucking orbs, man.

I never do cubes or something.

Check out my coons.

She often moves things frequently, but is primarily a helping spirit.

Her cat Twigs often manifests with her.

He is a large orange cat.

You may hear him meowing at times.

It's so fucked that it'll be like, every once in a while, there's a slight glimmer of light and maybe a ghost cat.

Not pictures.

It's like such a huge disparity between the two.

Also, does the cat manifest at regular cat size while she's doll size?

Because that's got to freak her bean out real hard.

Paul, can we see that?

Like he's the size of a jungle cat now.

Paul, I'd love to, if we could watch the video, and this is, we've we've never done this on haunted all watch and have video confirmed evidence of haunted dolls here we go okay

I think that

okay I mean it's just like this one's haunted so I don't know what you guys

you were sorry can I just

can I just say guys You were pretty brave when you were laughing about it a second ago.

I don't know why now that you see that it is indeed haunted, as you were promised.

The trailer for Megan 2.0 makes it look way less interesting than the first one.

Yeah, Paul,

why did you think we needed to see fucking real life Garfield again?

You guys talking shit about Liddellia?

Let's meet our next incredible haunted doll.

Heather is that rare doll that wanted to have it all.

I'm so excited for this Alley McBeal reboot.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

What she got there?

Oh, she has her own spectrometer.

That's rad, man.

Okay, listen.

I rarely include the ones with best stories unless they're pretty funny.

Heather is the positive spirit of a 16-year-old girl.

Her lifespan was from 1999 to 2015.

Holy shit.

Wait.

When I asked how she died, she said, quote, I ate peanuts by mistake.

They were in ramen noodles.

Hey, I hope she doesn't blame herself because that's not her fault.

She said she was at a restaurant where she ate them.

It's so insane for them to conjure a new ghost.

It's so fucked up and weird.

And show them in that outfit.

Imagine being a 16-year-old girl who died in 2015, and then you wake up an adult and you're wearing that shit.

No way, man.

You can change my clothes, right, Barbara?

Right?

Put me in some jeans.

Heather inhabited this vessel in 2015.

That's the year she died, so it's good to know she didn't spend a year just like spinning around the globe streaming.

I was just ghost backpacking around Europe.

I took a gap a year.

Heather lived in Arkansas with her mom and dad.

She had an older sister named Haley, who was 17 years old.

They had a dog named Victor.

Heather said they were really close family and a happy household.

Heather was a sophomore in high school.

She liked school, and her favorite subject was, quote, science.

I asked Heather what she

liked her future family to know about her.

She replied quote, I am really good at reading people's mannerisms.

I am really good at taking bar exam questions.

I asked if she wanted to be a lawyer and she said yes.

I studied pre-law on my own.

She also said I am good at poker.

Okay, can I just say

how fucking incredible would it be you show up to your friend's weekly poker game, you pull Heather out, you sit her on the table Yeah, she's facing everybody you've worked out a system with her if she's gonna clue you in and also you're taking the bar exam at the same time right if she makes two orbs it means you can raise three orbs means fold can i also i would like to point out that if this spirit died in 2015 yeah the idea of asking her what would you like your future family to know yeah And not,

what would you like me to tell your current existing family?

Yeah, that's a good point.

we can pass along as long as we're passing along messages from heather you want to tell them what cool cool cool anyway i'm going to sell you on ebay now heather's favorites here's some of her favorites favorite hobby i like reading pre-law books favorite food apples favorite sit what if it was peanuts

i know bitter irony huh can't help favorite food apples favorite sit apples

What a pre-law book.

She gets so hungry.

She's like, ooh, apples.

I smell them and now I'm going to eat them.

Her favorite color is red.

Favorite animals, tiger.

She would prefer to sleep in her owner's bedroom at night, but not in the bed.

I asked what she'd like to do in her new home, and her reply was, I want to read pre-law books.

She says she's happy reading off the computer if there are no books available.

Can I just say, Heather, I have bad news for you.

You're dead.

So worrying about pre-anything is kind of unimportant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're not going to get to law.

Unless.

Unless.

Oh, shit.

No, there isn't.

No,

a poker-playing ghost lawyer?

Yeah.

Yes, please.

I'd watch that.

I'm Tracy, by the way, a seasoned paranormal investigator, a clairvoyant, and an empath.

I recently started collecting haunted dolls.

It makes you wonder what she was doing before she started doing that, doesn't it?

It's such a weird thing that she loves doll ghosts, but didn't dip into collecting them until just recently.

This led me to begin collecting haunted dolls and objects, taking them home to investigate, and then adopting them out.

Okay, let's move on.

Can we talk about our last doll, Paul?

Paul, the last doll, Paul, Paul doll, Paul the doll.

Oh, shit.

Huh.

Yeah.

I don't know if we want to fuck with possessed, demonic, aggressive video of Scratch's paranormal, man.

Yeah, well, if you think that they put paranormal at the end of that list, Yeah.

As if it's like, hey, in case it wasn't clear,

this isn't normal.

This is a normal demonic-possessed aggression.

Are you ready?

You think you don't want him now, but wait, you feast your eyes on this bad boy.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

It's

Kaiussifer.

Excellent.

Thanks.

Excellent.

I'm very tickled by the price

because it is $56.66.

So they wanted to get 666 in there, but also $50.

Oh, no, Travis, if you can see it's 15% off.

It used to be 66.66, the number of the turbo beasts.

Shit, they must have saved his dad.

More four payments on Klarna.

Let's kick.

Oh, no, you drove a little too far.

Hell is 666.

This is Doug's house.

It's 6666.

Easy to do.

Buyer chickened out.

I'm eager to sell him, so please make a reasonable offer, and it will be accepted and shipped ASAP.

There's no sense of scale to this image.

He could be seven and a half feet tall.

Hello.

Listing.

He's giving me such strong, you just knocked on his door, and he's like, I told you I'm busy.

I just, is the fiction of it that they saw this happen?

Like, is that the fiction?

Okay.

The listing has been updated with a video.

Look at those big fucking feet.

I like him.

He's got pinchable cheeks and a powerful crucifix.

Both, but at the moment a photo was uploaded that containing both those feet and a cross, it should have been taken down by

bots or something.

Listing updated with video after my husband was scratched.

Fuck yeah.

It's a spot he cannot reach.

He what

he files down his nails to nothing.

And no, we do not have any cats or dogs at the moment.

It could only have been Kenny.

Now I don't have the video because like you don't need that.

But like is there, do you have the still image?

Is this a video of him?

His scratch?

What?

It's like the no, it's her like she filmed the video and she's like, see?

See?

Yeah, I don't want to look at it.

Yeah, you don't want to.

That's plenty of things.

Can I just say.

But there's no way he could have reached that himself.

He couldn't have reached that They don't have any cats or dogs at the moment.

I mean, he's the most powerful.

Make that go away, please.

Paul, thank you so much.

That should go in a hall of fame of excuses husbands give to cover up infidelity.

Yeah.

How'd you get these scratches on your back?

Damn.

The haunted doll did it.

Now, that's right.

I know that I was out of town over the weekend when, but it was the doll, honey.

I would like to remind you guys that to this point, I've not established the name of the doll.

Yeah, yeah, no, I took a guess at it.

Paul is not to be trusted.

He is portraying himself as a man, but he is a demon.

He inflicts scratches on the skin, infiltrates.

He puts lipstick stains on my husband's collars.

He infiltrates your sleep to cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears.

And then he drops the temperature of the room.

What are we looking at?

It's a scientific document, Griffin.

What's the diagram?

Are the lines?

These are his ghosts.

Listen to him again.

Every time you are presented with actual evidence, concrete facts like this, you get all freaked out.

Like, this is science.

Okay, wait, I'm reading.

The person who wrote this and put this listing of for sale was the predator.

So this makes it tight.

Are you telling me that this doll produces body heat?

Okay.

He inflicts scratches on the skin, infiltrates your sleep.

What'd you fucking say?

To infiltrates your sleep to cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears and drops the temperature in the room dramatically when he was present.

A passing scent of sulfur is not uncommon as well.

He farts all over the place.

Yes.

This dude ripping rotten egg toots left and right.

The cross is there to keep him contained.

I want to be here for this photo shoot.

You know, the photographer at some point had to be like, damn, Paul, we got enough pictures of you with the cross.

No, man, trust me.

Keep going.

Are my feet in it?

That's what the people want to see.

Oh, no, your feet are in it, Paul.

Promise me your feet.

Please use Costa.

Please use cost your anim and do not provoke him unless you are an experienced paranormal enthusiast who knows how to protect himself.

At this point, I think that does describe us.

That's true.

So thank you.

That's your haunted doll watch for this evening.

Thank you very much.

All right.

Folks, we we are going to call some people down to the microphone.

You've been kind enough to send us your questions.

We will call you down by your name and seat number.

The microphone is right here.

Hi.

Hi, my name is John Kay.

Pronoun see him.

Hi, John.

John.

John.

I'm a health inspector for a living.

People hate seeing me coming.

They get nervous.

They get sad.

How could I lighten the mood?

Okay, I just want to be clear.

If I am eating at the restaurant, I get very excited to see you coming.

I say, woohoo, do it.

Get him, John.

Get him.

That's my hero, John.

A hard ass.

He's going to get back there and get him.

Bad, get him.

Protect me, John.

Wouldn't you rather see him before you start eating at the restaurant?

You've just sat down and then the server's like, what do you want to eat?

You're like, I'm going to wait till John's done.

I want him to catch him in the act.

I want him to come out and be like, Justin, stop.

Don't.

Oh, you want that Gordon Ramsey moment of like, shut it down.

Shut it down.

We can't eat this.

Shut it down.

Throw that away.

This is garbage.

Can I ask John?

This must be an immensely uncomfortable position that you have put yourself into.

What kind of heat are you usually bringing when someone sees you coming and is clearly in a panic because they live a messy life?

I'm a very talkative person, so I try to talk them through it as if it's like a surgery or a test.

And so I

pretend.

Pretend.

Are you comfortable with role-playing?

And we're like, we're three chefs and we own a restaurant.

You've just walked in and obviously it's a big spin.

spigot actually be head of like hospitality and like i'm checking people in i don't want to be a chef i don't think i could handle that kind of pressure okay i think it would bring out the worst in me all right i'd rather handle more car owners i'll be i'll be debarre and juice you can be i wanted to be the district manager so i'm more at the home office overseeing stuff are you present during the inspection okay he's not there all right we're ready he's the lead concierge i'm debear and just is a businessman okay go ahead so hi my name is john i'm going to be inspecting your facility today

As a reminder, this is just a sampling exercise.

I'm only going to see a portion of your cousin.

Hey, hey, don't talk to John like that, cousin.

Hey!

Now he's here to help us.

Sorry, John.

Go on.

It's fine.

It's fine.

I understand this can be very stressful.

So you seem nervous.

What's the matter, John?

He's nervous because you yelled at me.

To bear, I'm popping out of this child's Halloween costume.

Yeah.

We're going to have to call our district manager, John.

Yeah, six, tell him 60 shares.

Stop breaking my ball.

Hold on.

Yeah, this is a business office.

Hey, John's here, and we're trying to get away.

Oh, we're fucked.

We're fucked.

Not John.

Fuck.

Can you listen?

Ask him if any.

Is he looking at you right now?

Yeah.

Ask if anybody knows where he is.

Does anybody else know he's here?

Just ask.

Is there anyone that'll miss you?

Not like that.

Fuck.

You gotta be sleeping with the fishes.

Stop it.

God damn it, guys.

Okay, the special on the menu.

It's a John steak.

Hey, Travis, I'm legally giving you ownership of the restaurant.

I am no longer legally affiliated with it from this point forward.

You guys don't know.

John, we got him.

Here's your finders feed, John.

Thanks for helping us.

John, is there a way where you can do your job without them knowing you've been there doing it?

No, there's nothing.

Yeah, no, it would have to be some Pink Panther level hijinks, I think.

Is that a illegal?

Is there like health inspector entrapment kind of deal?

Yeah, I have to tell them that everything is confidential.

So if I show up and just start taking notes without them knowing, it's going to

violate some confidentiality.

Well, no, you would have like...

Can you tell us some of the stuff you've seen in the confidential inspections?

You would come in with like a hat box with a camera in it or some shit.

And a big mustache.

That's not part of the surveillance.

It would just be fun.

When you mention stuff to people, John,

when you mention stuff to people, do they have to like fight the urge to try to fix it right then?

Oh, they do all the time.

They fix, try to fix it right then.

They show it.

No, I already saw it.

It's in my little notebook.

They're like, no, can you take it off?

I already fixed it.

And I was like, it was here when I got here.

Yeah, it's fine.

Have you, and John?

You haven't said your full last name, so you still have plausible deniability.

I do just want to remind you of that.

But have you ever granted clemency to a Ratatouille?

Have you ever

cracked down on Ratatouille?

Okay, John said no immediately, which means every Ratatouille that you detect, you catch and kill by sundown.

Yeah, how many Ratatouillies have you murdered?

John kills Ratatouille.

Wait, hold on.

Okay, now I can see John's wearing a cape made of Ratatouille pelts.

He's got a t-shirt that says Ratatat-tat-toue.

It's got pictures of guns on it.

Jesus.

There's

seven guns on this shirt.

John, does that help?

Thank you for keeping us safe, John.

Thank you, John.

Thank you for your heroic service.

Hello, my friend.

Hello.

Hi.

My name's Gretchen.

Hi, Gretchen.

Hi.

Right now, I'm house sitting for a family, and one of the daughters has let me borrow her car while I'm house sitting.

Cool.

Which is great because my car is at the mechanic right now.

Yeah.

But the problem is that she has a student driver sticker on the back of her car, the left side of her car, and the right side of her car.

Yeah, so she's really bad at it.

Yeah.

A lot of vectors of badness in the driving.

And like, I don't want people to think I'm a student driver.

Is she a student driver?

I think she's just really bad at it.

I think it's been a few weeks.

Are we all students of driving?

Don't driving.

I actually, when I read this question, I started thinking, like,

I think I could sign up for the luxury of having everyone on the road just assuming I'm going to fuck up.

No matter what what you do, you have a hundred percent clemency.

I would love everyone to lower their expectations of me.

I see so many people nodding right.

Yeah, dude.

If you could get a student driver bumper sticker and a baby on board bumper sticker, if I could be a if I could get a student liver t-shirt, like I just, I'm a student, this whole thing, the whole business.

I think we should start selling car decals that say grad student driver.

Yeah.

Because I think that whatever action you take on the road if someone sees that on the side of your car it's gonna distract them long enough where they're like what does that mean and then you're gone you're a ghost in the night what if you got a badge when you first got your license that's like great driver and if you fuck up one time you lose it And so if you're driving around and someone sees it, they're like, I guess it was my fault.

Yeah.

That person's never fucked up.

They're always right.

They're like, show me your badge.

And you show them and they're like, this says you ate the spiciest buffalo wings at Craig's Chicken Palace.

But you know what?

I respect that.

Why, may I ask, Gretchen, why do you not want to be mistaken as a student driver?

I think I'm a really good driver.

Okay, thank you.

I'm glad that this came up because do you think there are maneuvers that you could execute where they'd be like, that's no student driver?

A student driver couldn't do that.

The car says they're a student driver, but they're driving backwards tenant style.

They somehow pulled off a one-point turn how'd they do that

that car just bounced over traffic like it was inspector gadgets car holy shit

I just like don't want people to be worried when they see me doing like

doing my driving right doing your thing

you don't want them to get all judgmental if you go in for a funky three-point turn that they don't agree with it's like yeah we've all been out here a while all right I've earned the right oh get like a mortarboard hat and then every time someone makes eye contact with you take it off and throw it up in the air and they're like oh no they graduated just now those are old bumper stickers

uh does that help gretchen yeah cool thank you so much

Brothers, brothers, brothers, I have a question for you.

Yeah, hey, what's your name?

My name is Jesse.

I go by He Day.

Okay, so is Rob, was that an indicator of your seat number?

I dropped my phone.

Oh, okay.

He dropped your phone on Rob?

Didn't correct it.

On Rob.

Awesome, man.

Of course.

Perfect.

Can you angle the microphone up just a little bit?

A little bit more.

What's your question?

So, I work with ethical hackers, and the marketing minds that all of you are can help us, because right now we only have one slogan.

I'm in.

I'm in is pretty good.

Is the slogan for ethical hacking is I'm in.

Is I'm in.

Okay, cool.

We're hacking in general, I feel like.

But we're looking for a new one.

Can you you please help us come up with the new I Have Compromised the System, aha.

Yeah, I have sensually in.

I have compression.

Jesse, I appreciate the narrative layer you've applied to this question as if you're going to walk from this theater and get on the boards and be like, don't worry, guys.

Don't worry, cyber surfers.

We've got a new catchphrase.

Hot off the presses.

What's up, console cowboys?

We got some new shit from the Mackel.

Everybody fucking plug in.

We've got the new Cyber Juice or whatever you guys use.

Guys, we got a new dispatch.

We got a new brain dance from the Macle freaks.

Supreme Neurojunkies have got a jesse.

Jesse, yes.

Have you ever, and please answer honestly, have you ever unironically done a cool hack and then said reflexively, I'm in.

And then thought like, wow,

I really did it.

I really said it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I appreciate the honesty and the thought.

I think maybe we're in because that shows a little bit more of a collective spirit.

Like, that's good.

I'm in, but you guys can come over and look at my screen or push whatever buttons you want.

Like, we're all in together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Google.

the Matrix screenplay and just any line that you want from it.

So instead of like, not like this, you say, oh, yeah, like that.

Like this.

They never follow that up.

Yeah.

Not like this.

Like that.

What if you just yelled, Yahtzee?

Yeah,

Yahtzee's good.

Can I try it?

Is that like a cool hacker thing to do?

Yeah, I mean, can I try it out right now?

Yeah.

Yahtzee.

Nope.

What about?

What about the quarterback is toast?

Oh my God.

The quarterback is toast.

It's very powerful, very strong.

I mean, can you you try, can you like say bazinga, but be like cute and embarrassed about it?

Like,

like under your breath?

Fuck.

No, don't.

I don't want to make that.

What about I respect myself?

Just something that shows not only are you in, but it's unlocked something within yourself that you've learned about yourself in that day where you just say, I am capable and good enough.

Am I saying all these now?

Yeah.

Yeah, you got to.

It's a mouthful.

Maybe like...

And the keyboard wasn't even plugged in.

Oh.

And it turns out it wasn't.

What if you say

yummy?

And also, every time you sit down to hack, you tuck a little bib in and you set up some silverware and then you hack.

And then people are like, you eat your keyboard?

And you eat your keyboard, and they're like, that's Jesse.

They eat the data.

Yeah.

Maybe you could get into tagging, Jesse.

So after you do the hack, you can tag your computer with spray paint and just show them who's boss.

I think you're missing a step here, Jesse, where you need to come up with a cool hacker persona then you have a catchphrase related to your cool hacker persona can i suggest jesse rob um because it has a sort of futuristic aesthetic to it yeah it's two names but i mean the robbing aspect of it might not be the robbing okay okay here you go Jesse Rob, what you're going to do is you're going to start styling yourself like an old-timey like cowboy bank robber or you're like robbing a train.

That's cool.

And you're going to have like bandana over your face, big hat and and everything.

And then as you get in, you say.

In your bedroom.

Yeah, in your bedroom.

And as you get in, you're going to say, this is a stick-up.

Oh, this is a stick-up, but it's ethical hacking, Travis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also, do you say that before you start hacking?

Because you're writing a pretty big check at that point.

Yeah, with my thing of...

We've been stuck up.

With my thing, you tuck the bib in and you put the silverware out.

And then if you don't do the hack, you can discreetly pick up the silverware and untuck your bib and like not make a big deal out of it.

Yours is writing an awfully big check.

You don't have to say yummy if you don't get in.

Oh no, if you don't get in, you go, ooh, yucky.

Do you do this around other people?

No.

Then why the fuck do you need a catchphrase sit down?

No, Jesse.

Wait, yeah, Jesse.

Sal sit down, Jesse.

Do you finish hacking and then say, somebody hop on a Discord call with me real quick?

I got a bus one out.

Oh, shit.

Hold on.

Jesse's calling.

We're in the middle of a date.

Is it important?

I mean, no, but Jesse, really, hold on.

Peep.

Yummy.

Good job, Jesse.

Does that help, Jesse?

That helps out.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

You can lower the lights if you don't want to.

Yeah, take the lights back down.

Make them disappear.

Thank you so much for joining us for this evening, Sacramento.

We hope you've enjoyed yourself very, very much, and it was worth your time.

We have had an amazing time.

Thank you so much for

coming.

Let's hear it for the beautiful posters designed by Fayday Arts.

Look at those babies.

We love them.

We signed a bunch of them.

They may still be out there.

Thank you to the Safe Credit Union Performing Arts Center.

Everybody's been so nice.

Everybody's been amazing.

And thank you to Paul Sabor.

And, of course, God rest his soul.

His Memorial Canned Food Drive Challenge Coin is still for sale out there.

You can buy one, and all the proceeds go to Sacramento Food Bank and Family Services.

Thank you to Montane for these red themes along my life.

It's better with you.

Woo!

A banger.

Check out It's Hard to Be a Fish.

Montane's new album.

It's fucking great.

I can't stop listening to it.

Let's hear it for Amanda and Rachel.

We couldn't do tours or shows without them.

Thank you so much.

you, Son and Rachel.

Thank you for

now.

Travis, this is 20 Thunder Drive.

So, do you have a.

This year, I will be faster than my fear that a microscopic magic school bus could be inside my body at any given moment.

My name's Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

My brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, Square of the Lamps.

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