MBMBaM 772: Spiders Are Writing and God Is Real

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

One, two, three.

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has glossed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true, all

It's better, it's better with two.

I like

all.

It's better with you.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and Me, an advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your millennialist brother, Travis Vroom Vroom McElroy.

What's good, Trav Nation?

It's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, Griffin McElroy.

The new Donkey Kong is here.

Donkey Kong, Banana, Nan,

Banana Nanza.

You couldn't sound more enthusiastic.

Banana Nanza.

There we go.

Just as I'm having some coughing issues, Griffin, how dare you?

Yeah, Row.

What a jerk.

It's also not my job to try to sell Nintendo products.

This is the job of Shigeru Miyamoto and his best friend, Reggie Fizeme.

Yeah.

That's the only time that his job is.

God, that fucking, I would watch that buddy cop movie, Big Cop, Little Genius Cop, Yemi.

Yeah, where Shigeru Miyamoto is like solving the crimes and Reggie Fizume is out there, like has his muscle, his enforcer.

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

Now we're on to something.

No, but I was playing the new Donkey Kong game today, and I was thinking, like, it was a sense I had where my daughter was playing the Donkey Kong and she was enjoying it, and I felt uncomfortable.

And I started thinking about it, and

I think there's something.

Do you guys think there is something inherently puerile about Donkey Kong?

Oh, for sure, dude.

Yeah, man.

For sure, dude.

He's not.

This man, we have all been so quick to forgive.

Yeah.

He kidnapped women professionally.

Like, the only thing you knew about this dude is he liked to climb a tower.

He liked to throw a barrel.

He liked to kidnap a woman.

I would say, and now we're just supposed to, and now because it's been 40 years or whatever, we're supposed to just let bygones be bygones.

I don't think so, Mr.

Carl.

No, I would say that

pretty confidently, I would say that Donkey Kong

is the kind of person that you were really good friends with in college and you loved his party animal antics.

And now, like, that you're a parent, a grown-up.

I can't bring him around my kids.

No way.

No way, right?

I like enjoy remembering the times you spent with Donkey Kong.

But when you hang out with Donkey Kong, you start to realize, wow, I'm apologizing to my current friends a lot

on his behalf.

I'll follow DK's IG, but I'm not going to invite,

I can't have

a friend like that around the crew.

I can't have that reflecting on me.

No, I'm not going to have him like at my kid's birthday party or something.

God, are you kidding me?

Just inherently as

an organism, I feel like there's just something lascivious about that.

And it might just be that, like, I don't think we can have him back here knowing how close he is with Diddy.

Like, I don't think

anybody can.

Hey, Griffin, that's such a good point.

His relationship with

his relationship with Diddy,

they were very close for a number of years.

He and Diddy.

Yeah, that's true.

I think that we've got...

It's not because of the problem.

It's not powerful, but

I think it's a recognized.

I mean, is what I mean.

Right now, in 2025, I think his relationship with Diddy is a huge problem.

I think so, too.

There's no way that fool shows up in the new game, right?

There's no way.

They're going to give him a game off, probably, to let the

dust settle a little bit.

Maybe change that name.

yeah maybe checkson maybe my theory is

that funky kong is an undercover cop oh yeah because they're all funky he feels like

you know what i mean for sure his whole family is funky yeah he feels like he overshot it sneaky pete style yeah and he showed up like a few years later like we're all pretty funky here right hey where are we burying all the money you know 100 Can I also say, I think the world is ready now that this Donkey Kong game is out for like a God of War-esque reboot where we see Donkey Kong now a responsible human being who doesn't smash anymore.

He has a new son named like Charles or something normal.

Yeah.

And then like somebody comes to him and they're like, we need you to smash stuff.

And he's like, I don't need that anymore.

I don't know That's a pretty good God of war.

Thank you.

I can't do it on purpose.

Nope.

It's like there's also something about just his name that feels gaslighted to me.

Like, he tells you it, and you're like, nice.

And then, like, a few hours later, you're like,

Kong.

No,

not.

I know a famous Kong.

It's not him.

And he's not a donkey.

You know what I mean?

Like, he gave me this fake name to try to set me at ease.

Once again, feels like a nickname that he got in college for being a cool party dude.

That now he's in, like, his 40s.

And he's like,

everybody calls me Donkey Kong.

And it's like, hey, man.

Like at the office, he's like, let's just hope at the New Year's party, you guys don't meet Donkey Kong.

That's all I'm saying.

And they're like, Jane, what are you talking about?

Come into my office.

We need to talk for a second.

There's been a lot of HR.

Yeah, do you want James or Kong?

No, I need to talk to James right now.

One second, let me get him out.

Okay, you do great work

on data analysis, and we're really happy.

Your ties are always so crisp.

Yeah, but we've had a lot of complaints about Donkey kong yeah i will i have spoken to him repeatedly sir and unfortunately when i get one whiff of a banana yes the animal comes out and now that's funny you say that because we talked i'm hr and i talked it over with some of my colleagues and they said that's simply not a thing they said there's a lot of things that you know will create special circumstances in the workplace but after extensive research and consultation with many medical experts we got dr ma confirmed to come in Dr.

Mario was there.

Dr.

Robotnik,

they did confirm that there is no condition where if you smell a banana, you turn into a crazy, crazy age.

Yeah, okay.

That's, oh, that's, that's so interesting.

You know, that's so interesting.

I would love to talk with Popeye about that because Popeye beat the living shit out of Jeremy after one bite of spinach.

He was back in the office the next week.

Now, that's

that is a food allergy.

That's related to his iron levels, and that's medically documented, James.

That is real.

That is very real.

We are also Chiquita Banana Company, so like it seems like your exposure to your triggering compound is going to be pretty unavoidable.

I would ask why you came to work here.

Why would you want to work here in the future?

No, don't open a banana.

James, please, James, James.

James, don't open it up.

James, we are going to have to ask you to leave the building.

James.

I'm going to love it.

James.

What are you opening it up on both ends?

Oh, you have two bananas.

You got two.

I thought you peeled it from both ends.

Sounds really good.

James, we have a minecart right here that we're stuck in his armpits now out of the bed.

I'm holding four at once.

Yeah, James.

Let's hope, Juice, that the audio accompanies that clip wherever it may rear its head, because otherwise the painting that we just did was those two, those two always need to be fused together like Ladyhawk.

Man, I need them to be sharing a body.

I never want them separate.

The audio and the video are one, one, one of a hole.

You know how Mario was originally named Jump Man?

Yes.

Everybody knows this.

And then they needed to get an extension on their lease at the NOA headquarters in Seattle, and their landlord at the time was named Mario, so they named Mario Mario in his honor so he would give them a little bit more leniency with the loan.

But originally it was Jump Man, and my head canon for that has always been that that is how Donkey Kong understands what has been presented to him.

This is his game.

It's his POV.

As far as he knows, it's just a jump man.

It's just a man that can't understand.

He can't understand.

He can't understand words.

So that's just jump man for sure.

Jump man.

I understand it to be jump.

He still doesn't understand Mario.

He doesn't know the name.

It's just

all the time.

Yeah, for sure.

Did you all know that Yoshi's full name is T.

Yoshisaur Munchakoopas, which was actually the name of Shigeru Miyamoto's podiatrist?

Huh.

And he named T.

Yoshisaur Munchakoopas after his podiatrist, Dr.

Munchakoopas.

Did you know that Zelda is the boy?

I did.

I recently started working as

Griffin.

Griffin.

We do that more often than we don't do that.

We all start talking at the same time together.

Yeah, but only one of us has the list of questions.

The other two are about to kibbits and second guess.

And one of us is about to lead us to the promised land of a new bit, okay?

Yeah, we'll get there.

I recently started working as a hairstylist assistant at a local salon.

My boss, the hairstylist, seems...

Can I just say, I'm really relieved your boss is the hairstylist because if there was yet another layer of middle management in the barber industry that I did not know about, I was really going to be thrown for a loop.

I'm glad there's just the one layer of assistant to the barber that I did not know existed.

There's not an assistant to the assistant.

My boss, the hairstylist, seems nice and cool overall.

And he revealed to me.

Pretty much as soon as I started working there that he has a pet house pig.

He won't stop bringing up the pig in conversation with clients and repeats stories about her constantly.

I have no problem with him owning a pig and in fact, I think it's pretty awesome.

But I think I'm going to go insane if I keep hearing the same stories over and over again.

How can I steer the conversation away from her or make him stop talking about her altogether?

That's from

porky problems in Chicopee.

I have never thought about this.

About pig?

As a pet?

You've never thought about what would it be like to work for a hairstylist who has a pet house pig that talks about it constantly.

Yeah, of course not.

That's really if you are somebody that shares a barber space or a hair salon space with other hairstylists, right?

Yeah.

They probably come in with their

five to ten minutes of material.

They're five.

Here's my thing that I'm doing today.

Here's what I got spun up and I'm going to give everybody this anecdote.

If you got the chair next to him, you could be hearing the same fucking anecdote over and over and over again.

Guys, my masking,

I don't think I could cover the fact that I've heard this story before.

I don't think I could cloak it.

No way.

No way.

I do think if you have a pig, you do want to be talking about it.

Of course.

Just so it's worth it.

It's just so it's worth it.

We have friends who got a pig once because they had a yard space for a pig and we lived in Texas and why the fuck not?

And did you all know?

This is actually cool.

A pig is the loudest animal on the earth.

And when it just does it squeal or anything, it's not babe in the city.

It is a shrieking air raid siren that goes off 120 times a day.

I think maybe if you do have that particular type of pig in your home, you have to talk about it just to, one, let some of the pressure out from time to time so you don't.

And two, so it just feels like it's...

Eat it.

Are you maybe given, is this guy maybe given the softest cell?

Is he maybe hoping eventually he helped me be like, I don't know, I'd hate to give him up.

He's really a great pig.

I mean, I

guess

hearing my and now if you look at the where I've trimmed the back of your hair, whoa, it looks like the pig came in and shaved some pig in the back of your hair.

What the fuck?

The pig can talk through.

Hey, and Charlotte's web, what's the story there?

Because everyone sees the spider web that says some pig, and then everyone's like, holy shit.

But it doesn't seem like anyone's really necessarily crediting the spider much.

No, they think the pig did it.

Everyone in the book has, it's important for Charlotte's Wood to work that everyone in the book be among the dumbest human beings that have ever lived on a planet.

They have a fundamental misunderstanding of pigs and their web-slinging capabilities.

If they showed up

and Wilbur had a fucking golden egg sitting in his trough, would they be like, damn, Wilbur?

You laid a golden egg for me.

Cloaica?

Shit, man.

That's a lot of fun, dude.

Now, it is important, though, to note that would convince them that he was pretty special.

I think within the fiction of Charlotte's Webb, the fact that he is able to spin a web that says some pig, if they thought all pigs could do that, it wouldn't be that notable.

But it's so fucked up.

Like, it's clearly a spider talking about a cool pig.

And it's like, I'm glad the spider likes the pig, but the big headline is, spiders are writing and God is real.

Like, God is real.

Come to our barn and see.

There is a creator.

He made us in a loving way, in his loving image, and he wants us to know this pig is okay.

Ignore the dipshit pig because like the spider won't do her thing.

Clearly,

we got rid of the pig.

The pig's so fucking loud, we got rid of it because it would like scare the guests away when they would come and we charge $1,000 to take it to see the God spider.

But like if we do take the pig away, the spider gets really fucking cranky about it.

Folks, here's what I'm here to tell you.

Folks, it doesn't fucking matter what the spider's writing.

The impulse is in a spider's brain.

We can't decode that.

I don't know why the spider likes the pig.

You know what I mean?

It's a spider.

The point of the letters.

That said, we know that

the spider has recently been spinning some...

questionable statements and they're problematic.

We understand that.

We understand that.

Ignore the sentiment.

Ignore the sentiment.

It's the fact that the spider can write.

Can make it important.

Please don't take the words to heart.

They're not endorsing it.

She's got something new.

It says pizza time.

Okay, like that doesn't mean anything and it's not the strong biblical message that we are hoping the spider will get across.

But it's crazy that the spider knows how to write the letters to spell pizza time in the first place.

The words that

Charlotte writes in the book include terrific,

some pig,

and radiant, as well as humble.

Now, had it been me, Charlotte, I would have begun with humble because that is going to get people in the right mindset to accept whatever comes next.

Bow before the Lord thy God.

He has made this spider in his divine image as his messenger.

She also should have started with some pig because if he just says terrific,

how do we know that she's like she's an influencer, right?

And she's figuring out her hashtags and just putting terrific isn't a good hashtag.

Yeah, that might be.

I said a different thing.

Yeah, interesting.

I said it should start with humble.

No, it's like, I guess from God, but I said a different thing from you.

Yeah, that actually started both, though.

What about some pig, comma, humble?

That's cool.

Some pig, comma, complimentary.

Ooh.

Maybe it's this.

Some pig.

And then in tiny letters, I know I, the spider, wrote this, but I'm keeping it humble, keeping it 100.

This ain't about me.

It's about the pig.

Signed, Charlotte, the spider please don't kill me either i know how human beings feel about spiders can can you can you pretend that you have two pigs oh nice dude because if you start i think the barber is gonna get if you start spinning tails right of your two pigs that are gallivanting around he's not gonna have the guts to even mention his paltry one pig

that's half the laughs half the hijinks half the hot dog eating.

No, thank you.

Maybe come in with a couple blue ribbons.

But you're like, I didn't even enter them, but they're so cool.

They're so good.

Somebody came by.

Yeah.

You could get a bite mark on your arm and over the weekend say there was a terrible pig accident.

And so now when your barber brings up pigs, it really gets you pretty freaked out.

You could try to lure the pig into biting you.

I thought we were going to go into a were pig thing.

Oh, yeah.

You could also do a were pig Peter Porker thing thing for sure.

Or you could lure the pig into biting you and have the authorities put it down.

Well, Messy Johnson.

Yeah.

Because then you'd have to go to their house, and that's a whole fucking thing.

Yeah, and then you're going to have to look at all the pigs.

Maybe you'd be enchanted by the pig.

Yeah.

But there is a pretty good chance that the owner of the pig is going to be like, oh, no.

Oh, no.

Stop.

Is it possible?

Like, I can't.

So pigs are very intelligent, right?

The idea of a house pig when a pig is like, hey, all the stuff I really like, like mud and digging for things sloppy that's all outside and you won't bring any of that stuff in here yeah if if a pig could talk the first thing the pig says when it gets adopted is are you sure man i'm a sloppy shit monster and i'm gonna fuck all your stuff up that's what i want in my life that's what i do i'm gonna get your garbage can i'm gonna make a terrible mess every day are you sure And I'm not going to appreciate you or anything you do because I know better.

I know better do you think i'm a dog those guys they're happy with anything they love it oh that's good if you're a if you're a pig head pig head and you're listening to this you have a pig at your house please know we're not talking about your special precious angels no your special yeah yeah yeah we're talking about bad pigs we don't want to hear about your pig either No, but we know that it's a good precious angel.

Just know that we're

shitty pigs.

How do you know

when you look at a pig that's just been born?

How do you know that that is going to be a good house pig versus a farm pig?

They have a little bib bib on them.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, and they have Wellingtons.

When I'm indoors, I wear slippers in the colder months and plastic sandals in the warmer months.

My plastic sandals occasionally make a delightful farting noise when I turn my bare feet in them, just so.

Not like a railripper, more like a clarion toot.

We have plumbers at our house right now, and when I walk past them at one point, my sandals made the noise.

How do I convince these plumbers that I did not, in fact, fart in front of them or demonstrate to them the flatulent capacity of my sandals?

That's from No Toots in New England.

I do really enjoy the image of you like walking back and forth near them like, oh, there they go again, my farting shoes.

Hey, everyone, are you hearing this?

Wow, what a singer.

I have to wear them.

That's non-negotiable.

Their prescription.

I bought some for you too, so you could see.

Here, everybody, put on our sandals.

Stop your work.

Stop your work.

Let us walk around the house together, barefoot, in your sandals.

Let's normalize putting the pressure to relieve this situation on the

audience, on the recipient of it.

I think in the same manner that when someone sneezes, you say, bless you.

When someone scoots a chair or slides their arm against some hardwood or apparently walks in these clown sandals and it makes a fart noise, but you know, that's not what just happened.

There should be a the onus should be on you to look at them and say, like, you're cool.

I know.

what if we normalize just looking at someone dead in the eyes no conversation and just saying that's life like that's cool the same energy i fucking same energy hey pal that's life like you hear you hear the fart noise you look at them either they you farted or you didn't you know but i'll just say that's life now i will say this i don't want to that's life a real fart i don't want

it right there

i think that there has to be a level of honesty here where if I am working in someone's home and the noise happens or someone screws their chair or whatever, and I indicate that I assume it was created by an inanimate object,

it is then if you say, no, that was real.

And now we're all

being honest with each other.

We're being

direct.

I want you to feel comfortable.

And the way that I do that is if you do.

rip like a stage five beefer like right next to me and a picture frame falls off a nearby wall.

Um, I'm not going to look at you or acknowledge that at all.

I know what happened, and you don't want me to acknowledge that.

They don't want acknowledgement, they only want it if it's a sandal fart and it's not real.

You don't want to be acknowledged for your heinous gas.

There's no way.

But there's two, but once

it happens, there's a bifurcation, right?

Between the reality of the situation and the situation in my head.

And if this person has left a complete vacuum, I'm inserting the worst I can come up with.

If they look at me and say, that's life,

we're done.

If you rip a huge, action

for a barrel.

If you, Justin, are sitting next to someone on an airplane,

you rip one, and the cranberry juice on their trade table spills, and they look at you and they go, that's life.

You're going to feel good, or you're going to feel bad, embarrassed, creeped out, weird, and terrible.

What about, what about, instead of that's life, what about

pretty convincing?

Now, this works on the sound.

That's cool, actually.

Yeah.

Because on the one hand, oh, it's acknowledging like that sounded almost real.

Yes.

But also, if it was real, I'm convinced.

Or Travis, even better, if you actually did fart and you say something like,

sounded pretty convincing, then they think, oh, they thought it was a fake.

They thought it was a phony coming out of my sandals.

When for real, it was real.

That also gets rid of any of the bad feelings.

That's really good.

And it's honest.

It is honest.

Comes from an honest place.

Comes from an honest place.

Is there like a gazoo type, a bless you version that the two parties involved, or multiple parties, can all in a very short, maybe one or two words, agree that they are just going to erase the last 15 seconds from their minds?

What about that's life?

Huh?

I mean, that's that's life.

If someone says that's life to me after I

know, I don't know what situation I'm in in life where I fart out loud enough for a stranger to hear it.

Anything else?

But if someone does that to me, I'm going to be creeped out by them.

That is akin to them saying like, hmm.

That's not akin to them savoring it.

That's not akin to that at all, Griffin.

It's not akin to them being like.

It feels akin to that.

It feels of a nature relating to that.

I'm just saying, we needed to normalize saying stuff that acknowledges without judgment.

And I feel like the problem with the silence is that it is judgmental.

There's a judgment in the silence.

So I feel like filling the silence with that's life because it is.

That's life, guys.

That's life.

What about safe zone?

You just announced safe zone.

Safe zone.

I don't.

What is it?

That sounds like do-it-close.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's no good.

I don't know how much longer we want to talk about this, but a fart is selfish.

Free space.

When you do one, you're making the world the worst place for everyone around you.

You're saying huffby.

Like you are, this is a very personal experience that you may or may not have signed on for.

I do not think we should be so quick to excuse a real actual fart.

I do.

They pip out sometimes.

Sometimes they pip out.

yeah they pip out but you try

that they pip out it is still rude you're hurting people with the bad smell they pip out your body pip them out not my brain go further away

sometimes you try

you're too deep in a a window seat on an airplane griffin what's rude or making them get up so you could go to the bathroom just to toot i have to go to the bathroom to a toot no way

I think I've reached my limit, guys.

I don't think I've got to do that.

Okay, well, actually, this is great timing then.

When I was on the plane back from

our recent shows in California, it was a great time.

Thank you, everybody, who came out to see us.

By the way, it was a lot of great time.

We didn't for it once during the whole show.

You're welcome.

Second flight back, which should be about 50 minutes long from Atlanta to Charleston.

And I'm on in the flight, and it gets to be like the last five minutes of the flight.

And they make the announcement, like, okay, everybody.

strap in because we're about to land.

And I think, ah, damn it, I should have peed because I really need to pee.

And then I like,

kind of like raise my hand.

I'm like, can I like a signal?

Always cool.

Always.

Can I?

Always the look.

And she's like, no, no, no, like this.

Don't.

So I'm like, okay, fine.

And she made me think you were saying, can I land the plane?

Can I go?

Can I take it?

I've just always wanted to, if I could.

I'm a pilot.

I don't want to do the landing.

I just want to do a loop.

So I'm like, I'm going to go ahead and get onto the

bathroom.

They said no.

So then it goes to land.

And then I see the airport and then we pass the airport.

Oh no.

Then we start doing a loop.

One of them.

And this guy is doing one of those.

So now we're taking a loop.

I see that loop start and I know, oh no,

I really had to pee before, but now I've really, really got to pee.

And then the guy goes around in five minutes and he does a loop and then he's about to land at the airport.

And then he goes right past it and we're going again.

And then I'm looking, I look at her,

the flight attendant, and she looks at me and she's like, What can you do, man?

Sorry, man.

We're looping.

That's life.

That's life.

We're looping.

Guys, we loop for a third time.

And now the need to pee

has gone beyond the sort of like, I'm up against

exquisite pain, I think they call it.

I'm up against physical limits.

I'm up against physical barriers, right?

Yeah.

I'm now at this point, I look at her and I have put my backpack onto my lap because I have decided like I'm

going to have to pee my pants a little bit.

You know, but I'm terrified.

Just release the pressure.

Just release the pressure.

But I'm terrified that like if I start peeing, that I won't be able to stop.

This is literally

hubris to think you could cut a midstream sitting pee.

Hey, no way.

This is an emergency controlled burn scenario.

Right.

I look, I, as a Hail Mary, I look at her and

I just say please.

And she

picks up the phone.

Yeah, we got a real pissed voice situation.

She picks up the phone and she calls a pilot.

Justin, how are you just now telling us this story, man?

This is fucking solid gold, dude.

She domed you into begging to pee, and then she had to, like, let the captain know, like, I got it up.

Did the captain have to stop driving the plane for a couple minutes so you could...

Is that

there was at least a half moment of some attention that I had diverted from the landing of the plane to my person?

Did he say please?

Okay, yeah.

That's all he said, sir.

That's all he said was please.

How pathetic does he look?

Does he back back in lap like he's about to business pants removes the pressure he probably thinks he could just do a little bit but we've seen otherwise haven't we patricia yeah we don't want to have to replace another seat do we she looks at me and she says i'm sorry and shakes her head

she says he says we're landing soon

for that

so we land and at this point i'm thinking to myself please pee i'm thinking to myself pee your pants justin it'll be okay you won't die you won't die They'll put you in jail maybe for something, but like, you're not going to die from it.

You're going to be okay.

Yeah.

And I was telling myself, did you get the impression that the pilot at least tried to give the smoothest landing possible in acknowledgement of your discomfort?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was a, it was a humdanger.

And then we land and

we are rolling up to the airport.

And I'm doing the thing where like I'm just,

you know, I'm ready.

I'm like pushing out of my seat, ready to go.

Yeah.

And then the plane stops about 20 yards short.

And they say, folks, due to a lightning storm, the ground crew is not able to reach us with the jet bridge right now.

So we are going to have to give it about 20 minutes.

But you can get up during the 20 minutes, right?

Well, she immediately says, everyone, please, please,

for your safety and for the legal, you know, for our legal culpability, please stay seated and stay buckled.

Stay buckled.

And then she looks at me and she says, it's okay.

Wow.

So now, right after this announcement, as people are like,

I'm P.S.

I'm towards the front of the plane, and the restrooms are in the very back.

So, as people are strapping in and they're thinking about how they're going to be stuck here for 20 minutes, they've just learned while they wait for the ground crew.

I have to strep past them, like, that's right, folks.

Not me, not this.

I'm a rabble rally.

Juice, I don't know how to tell you.

Three and a half minutes, I timed it.

Three and a half minutes.

These people must have.

There is no way any of these people thought I was in there for number one.

No way was that a number one amount of time that I was in the bathroom.

That's crazy, dude.

That's why, Justin, when you're walking back there, you just have to look everybody one by one in the eyes and say, I'm not trying to cause trouble.

I've got a piss boy emergency.

Now, I think there was probably something in Justin's body language and the sort of meter of his gait that probably people saw that and immediately was like, damn, that dude's about to pop.

Get him to I feel, I was,

I feel like if you looked in my eyes, you would have seen beyond and beyond.

I feel like you would have learned the secrets of how the pyramids were assembled, like just by looking.

That's how, that's how deep into the horizon my awareness had peeled.

I had peeled through the layers.

I was, I had to pee so bad.

that I was no longer a member of the society that we had all agreed on, right?

Yeah.

I had, it only took this much before I was like, I think I'm going to leave society and pee my pants in the chair.

When you ascend and transcend Laszlo's traditional hierarchy of needs and you reach the sort of piss orb that hovers above the pyramid, it's hard to like really relate with the thoughts and feelings of people who are still kicking it on the traditional hierarchy.

It's what they don't tell you that pissing your pants is an act of rebellion.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

Like it's, it says that there is something going on right now in the current status quo that just isn't working for this guy.

So I'm just going to go ahead and make pissies.

And I do just want to say that Laszlo's hierarchy of needs is that's that's Maslow's brother.

And his, I didn't misspeak.

He has a different hierarchy of needs.

And because number one, Laszlo's hierarchy of needs is not pissing your mansion.

Not pissing your mansion very high on it.

There's also like keeping the people of Liberty City laughing.

I mean, that's huge for Laszlo.

That's huge, huge.

Bro time is like big on his.

Yeah, yeah.

Just like a sort of amorphous bro time.

not letting chips go stale, not letting chips go stale is huge for him.

Tornadoes, he's the whole base of his tornadoes.

He's just really into them and tomatoes, yeah.

Kalina

zone, I was about to suggest, God, you read my mind, it's amazing.

I think we should go to the money zone, cool, dude.

Too little, too late.

It's better,

square space, square space, Squarespace, Squarespace, Square Airspace.

What if that was, what if we were allowed to do that?

Wouldn't that be an effective advertisement if we just said the word Squarespace for two and a half minutes?

Our dad was in a local ad that were the jingle for

a shoe company.

It was half price, half price, half price, half price, half price shoes.

I'm sure everyone's familiar in shoes.

No, not everyone's familiar.

I know, because they sell stickers of it at the Red Caboose.

So I can't imagine that everyone's familiar with our dad's.

Squarespace is first of all.

Not our dad.

Not our dad, a sponsor of our podcast.

But it's done more to take care of us than our dad in recent years.

I mean,

our dad has not sponsored a single episode.

If our dad tried to make a website, that shit would not boot or whatever websites do to get started.

But you can get started making a Squarespace website so easily with Squarespace.

The three of us don't know fucking anything about computers or like programming and stuff.

But Squarespace, what?

We don't know anything about love.

We do know about that.

That is the only thing we know about.

But do we?

Squarespace does the other stuff.

They give you the tools you need to make an incredible, professional-looking, beautiful website.

If you're a professional who needs a website, you can offer services, get paid all in one place with on-brand invoices and online payments.

So many different systems to get that cheddar.

And all the websites look amazing.

There's a library of professionally designed and award-winning website templates.

You pick the one that you want, designed designed for whatever category that you need it for, and you customize it how you want, and it's easy and it looks great.

So head to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial.

I wanted to take credit for all the good work.

Yeah, bro.

Whoa.

Yeah, man.

I wanted to swoop and

make it seem like I'm not.

Travis, as punishment, you have to do the next ad.

Well, let's

finish your swoop.

I've already just, I was just telling him about it.

Head to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code my brother on one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Squarespace, you bring the love, we'll bring the website.

What do you guys think about that?

I don't, I don't like it.

Zock Doc is now the next one.

Okay, Zock Doc.

Let me tell you a little bit about Zock Doc.

Maybe you've caused a deep rift between yourself and your younger brother by stealing his ad read.

And you're like, we need to do some therapy to work on this.

how where do we even start is there a couples therapist that specifically works with brothers uh ideally a thrupples therapist for three brothers to work really i do hate everything you change everything that's happening and i do i just i just revile it i just came up with that word is that something already yeah man yeah it's a word that people use exclusively to describe their flesh and blood kin real brothers that's the word they use, is thrupple to describe interesting.

Interesting.

Okay.

So keep using Doctor.

I keep using it just like that.

Okay.

So

using Zoctok, you could make a Thrupels therapy appointment for you and your brothers.

Sure.

Do you really want me to keep using it, Grevin?

I'd rather die.

Okay, great.

And, you know, it's not just therapy.

There's all kinds of doctors on there.

You can get dental appointments,

dermatologists.

You're just regular checkups, checkups, all kinds of stuff.

It's easy, it's fast,

and it's comprehensive.

So ZockTalk makes it easy to find the right doctor right now, and it's all online.

And you'll probably be able to book an appointment before probably the end of this episode.

I don't know about Ad because I'm about to wrap it up.

He's about to fast.

Yeah, man.

I can always tell.

Yeah, but ZockTalk is a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click instantly to book an appointment.

It's easy, it's fast.

Griffin used it when he moved to DC and set himself up for all his important doctor's appointments.

Literally, just literally just used it yesterday.

Amazing.

There you go.

So, stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com/slash my brother to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

That's z-o-c-d-o-c.com/slash my brother.

Zach doc.com/slash my brother.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show, Let's Learn Everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lawrence.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Your camera's off, Juice.

I can't see you.

That's why.

Ivant de Munch!

Squad!

Ivant Munch!

Squaw!

I count, don't I?

Hello, boys.

It's such a pleasure to be back with you on your program.

It's been a minute.

You need some dirt from underneath your keep because you look a little raggedy, my friend.

It's the sunlight that is burning my eyes.

It's a new, beautiful cape, I must say.

It's a nice cape.

My cat pissed on my other one.

I want to tell you boys about the new release from one of my favorite practitioners of

Donut Delights.

Krispy Cream.

Just right to business, huh?

You don't want to catch up.

Krispy Kreme.

Okay.

Spuds with the all-new Hungry for Heroes collection.

Cool.

Featuring three donuts celebrating iconic Desesu Baros.

And I'm imagining a fourth donut that has had a very, very light amount of customization, perhaps even not even part of the color palette of the other three donuts.

Yes.

Landing today for a limited time at participating U.S.

shops, the Hungry for Heroes donuts will rescue your sweet cravings.

Cool.

That's great.

Because every time I look at like Superman or Batman or Wonder Woman, I think, I wonder what they taste like.

For sure.

Yes.

Capture the taste of your favorite heroes.

I'm going to share with you boys the images so you can virtually eat them with me okay

all right

there we go there we go

so that's okay

it's time to take your taste buds the heroic heights this is a superman donut taste your taste pads the heroic heights with superman the donut this unglazed shell is filled with smooth white cream dipped in light blue icing and topped with fluffy buttercream flavored clouds Finished with a bold Superman piece and colorful Superman Spernko Blend.

It's a sweet celebration of courage, strength, and sky-high flavor.

I don't like there being something on the donut I'm going to eat called a bold Superman piece.

Piece of what?

The very bold is celebrate the courage with the donut next to Batman.

I love, if we could scroll back up there, countdown,

that it's clearly Superman flying through the clouds.

But from the perspective, it could also just be seen as Superman bursting out of the middle of a donut.

Like, I live in here.

I live in these days.

The Batman donut.

Can you describe the Superman?

The Superman donut is it looks like a big, full blue donut with light blue icing, and there's like a little cartoon Superman.

Blue donut.

What I love there, too, is they've reimagined the Superman character to be that when he flies, he leaves a cloud of sprinkle dust behind him that's like he was tinker bell that's James Gunn's whole Wonder Woman the donut inspired by the power and grace of a true hero the Wonder Woman donut begins with our classic original glazed donut dipped in res red but red raspberry flavored icing is topped with blue sprinkles and bright white star shapes capturing the essence of strength and courage in the medium of sprinkle finish with a Wonder Woman piece and belt.

This donut is a tribute to fearless leaders and everyday champions alike.

A balance of flavor and flair that's ready to save your snack time.

There's gotta be a middle ground for marketing writing between nothing and

these sprinkles.

The sprinkles card brave.

The sprinkles have curves.

Do you think when they were writing that description, originally it said white stars, and they were like, we're worried people think we put actual celestial bodies.

We better clarify that they're just stars, shapes,

not actual stars.

The arrangement of the donut is also wild because half of it does have the blue and white stars to resemble Wonder Woman's pants, and the top is just red icing with a little Wonder Woman piece on it.

So it's like they've given the donut a shirt and pants.

There is no,

there's not a lot of great bites you're going to get out of this, though.

It's gonna be either

a whole bunch of sprinkles.

There's a few bites that are gonna be about taking off that Wonder Woman piece, and a few bites are gonna be about knocking off sprinkles.

Yeah, also, if I'm watching you eat the Wonder Woman donut and you eat the pants first, I'm gonna be like, you

nasty dog.

Okay, I also, we never get follow-ups on these count donuts of like, this is what ideally they look like when a donut artist has sat down and spent

25 minutes to make it look like this.

I want to see what what they look like.

Okay.

Lastly, the Batman donut.

Step into the night with the Batman Donut.

A fearless, unglazed shell.

What?

It says

a fearless, unglazed shell.

I am not the fancy of my lack of glaze.

I've made it these other unglazed shells.

They're cowards.

They cowards their lack of glaze.

Filled with cookies and cream filling, cloaked in bold black chocolate icing, and slashed with bright yellow signal streak topped with a heroic symbol.

It's the ultimate treat for those who rise to any challenge.

Thank you.

I've been looking for a donut for people who rise to any challenge for decades now.

We can't.

I'm also a little disappointed that they didn't go further with this description and talk about how like the cookies and cream represents the balance of dark and light within Batman and Bruce Wayne's soul as he struggles to exist in the world of darkness, to but not become darkness himself.

We can't promise you'll reach Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman level by bringing a dozen donuts to the office or your next get-together, but you will be a hero.

So, Steve Skenner, Chief Growth Officer at Crispe Cream.

Now, I want to mention one thing before we leave this topic.

Are you looking at the

okay?

All right, you see this?

Yeah, it looks like the bad signal shining up here.

It looks like the bad signal shining, but if you can just look, can you see this?

Can you?

Yeah, he's got it's got a little cream nub in there.

He's so, this is this is what I want to ask you, boys.

Do you think

you have a perfect donut?

It looks so beautiful.

I love it, the cream and the frosting, everything.

And then at the upper at about

1:30,

about 1:30 p.m.,

you run into these little

sloppy blob.

They left a sloppy blob on their product,

sloppy blob.

And if you look at Superman, it's a musical.

Enhancing their eyes.

It's a tiny sloppy blob.

And I'm wondering, boys, you're an expert in marketing.

I hear you do advertisements and commercials.

Yeah.

Do you think

they had to show the sloppy?

Yeah, the sloppy blob suggests that when you bite into this Batman donut,

there will be such

deluge of cream.

It's going to be, there's so much.

We're going to give you so much cream spelled with a capital K is real and off-pudding.

You're going to fucking freak out.

What they communicate with the Schloppy Blob is that they have so much cream that they're willing to part with that even overages, cream, more cream than even the donut shell is prepared to intake.

Yeah, Jeremy went wild with this one, you guys.

He used so much cream in there.

Do you think that they missed an opportunity to have just a plain unglazed shell with nothing decorating it and call it like the Lex Luther donut?

Eat his bald head.

Is that what you're saying?

One is his bald head, and two, that's going to be the donut that everyone's like, why did you get that's evil?

That you just got an empty, unglazed shell.

Yeah.

What's wrong with you?

That's the Lex Luther donut.

I would like to ask a question to you,

boys.

If these if you could have a different superhero-themed donut,

which one do you think would taste the best?

Polka Dot Man.

Ooh.

Could be fun.

Polka Dot Man could be fun.

I would love a

like a Green Lantern one that has mint chocolate chip filling.

Hmm.

Or Moon Knight.

Are you going to do anything with this information, Count?

Just curious.

Okay, that's fucking

good.

I'm

more of a literature guy, but I'm trying to take an interest in you two.

I don't see why that's such a crime.

You should check out graphic novels and stuff.

It's literature.

Yeah, I would enjoy it.

I like my novels.

Extremely graphic.

If the novel doesn't have at least four beheadings by the third chapter, then I quit reading it.

That's how many books.

I like my novels.

How many books fit that description?

Are you using your own podcast as the platform to flaunt your own ignorance of literature?

How an embarrassment for you.

That's just

a huge beheadings to chapter ratio.

I actually think the Adventure Zone graphic novel does fit that criteria close enough.

Some authors have the strength of their convictions, Griffin, and they're willing to take ahead if it moves the story forward.

So what superhero would you want to be a donut?

I don't know.

Probably Morbius, am I right?

The Count of Monte Cristo.

That's the only superhero I know of.

Maybe some of them are Manbat.

Can I have a Scarlet Pimpernell?

Is he a superhero for you?

A scarlet pimpernell donut would be all right.

I would like to donate.

I don't know.

It's too close to Pimple.

Yeah, there's a cream-filled donut.

That's true.

That's upsetting.

I just wanted the green lantern for the lime of it.

You like those tropical tastes, Countdown?

We're learning a lot about you this visit, pal.

I had some free time.

Normally, I'm in such a rush.

Sorry?

As always, if you'd like to try a sample of them, there's the store.

You can go to your local Kroger or Publix

or Piggly Wiggly and perhaps they will be in stock there.

it actually, I'm looking at the website.

It doesn't say piggly wiggly.

It just kind of seems like you wanted to say that in that Boy Scout doing that.

Look, who just lost access?

Now I've closed the page.

He was available the 11th through the 13th and it's now the 17th.

So I doubt you'll find him.

Boys.

Yeah.

This has been so great.

I've loved spending time with you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for accepting me the way I am.

I love you.

Yeah, no, it's always on your terms.

He flew away.

Wow, he flew.

Wow.

I didn't know he could do that.

He's a hero.

And he didn't turn into a bat, which is the usual way that you see.

No,

he rose his arms.

Hey, guys, it's me.

I was watching from across the table.

He rose his arms.

He lifted his arms.

He flew into the sky like Superman.

Yeah.

That's cool.

I didn't know he could do that.

Speaking of flying to places,

we're going to be coming to Atlanta.

For Taz vs.

Popeye.

Holy crap.

I love it.

I love doing shows in Atlanta.

It's always so much fun.

We're going to be Taz.

Taz vs.

Popeye is going to be great.

And we're doing My Brother, My Brother, and me while we're there.

And we're going to be at DragonCon.

Also, coming up later in the year, we're going to be in Texas, Utah, and California.

All the Tashas.

We were just in California.

Yeah, we're going fucking back, bro.

Hell yeah.

I left my wallet.

All Tash shows this year will be Taz vs.

Tickets for all show are on sale now.

If you go to bit.ly slash Macaray Tours, you can get the info and ticket links there.

Also, dad is doing D ⁇ D in a castle November 3rd through 7th.

Check out all the information at bit.ly slash MacElroyTours.

We have some new merch up in the merch store.

We've got a Why Not a Wizard pin and a fuck off Kingpin, both designed by Evan Cruz.

Well, the second one was designed by Daredevil.

Oh, I get it.

Kingpin.

Fuck off, Kingpin.

That's shit, man.

Yeah.

Cool, dude.

You're so stoked.

I love how happy you get about stuff sometimes, man.

It's inspirational.

I'm glad.

We need that joy to buoy us.

If I'm going to be the Shirley Temple of my generation, I need to generate all the smiles I can, you know.

Yeah.

10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Immigrant Defenders Law Center.

Oh, also, we have a newsletter.

You can sign up for it at bit.ly/slash McRoy newsletter and be the first to know about new tour dates, projects, and more.

And one more huge thanks to Montane for the Use for our theme song, My Life is Better With You.

Check out Montane's new album, It's Hard to Be a Fish.

It really is terrific music.

I keep coming back to it.

And do we have a fear?

We do.

Oh, you mean for the show?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Justin, would you read it this time?

Yeah, I'd be happy to, Trav.

This year, I vow to be faster than my fear of being tweeted about by Tony Hawk for not recognizing him in public.

Haven't we done a Tony Hawk-related fear this year?

Everybody's afraid of Tony Hawk.

Everybody's afraid of Tony Hawk.

My name is Justin McIloy.

I'm Travis McLroy.

I'm Griffin McRoy.

It's been my brother, my brother, and me.

Kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

It's better with you.

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