MBMBaM 771: Face 2 Face: Le Oink

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed.

It's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life,

oh,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

It's better, it's better with two.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me.

An advice show for the Modern Era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

I'm your middleest brother, Travis.

Vroom Vroom McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, Griffin, sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Bill Ford Tough, McElroy.

All right, you're right.

He needs this more than we do.

Yeah, that's the message I'm getting, and I couldn't agree more.

Now, Dad, I hope you don't go too far, pal.

eBay, go see Superman today.

eBay, see Superman at the Grove 30 AMC

At 9 a.m.

At 9 a.m.

In fucking IMAX

at 9 a.m.

in IMAX.

The time to see movies.

When we asked for the tickets, they said, are you sure?

They yell a lot in this movie.

There's so much yelling.

Your mind can't handle that at 9 in the morning.

Hey, but we are 2,000 miles from where we live.

So we thought, let's go see a movie.

Now, I mentioned that distance because I'd like dad to come back out real quick if he could, because I asked him to stay close by.

Show us

his fucking movie merch.

So this is, again,

this is a man that has a suitcase.

This is a man that has a suitcase.

And I just want to show you, Dad, what have you bought for us?

What have you brought today?

Well, Justin, today I have the special Superman commemorative cup.

Yeah, yes.

With Cape.

Which also came with a commemorative.

Commemorative.

I know.

And this

lovely popcorn box.

Shaped like a daily planet newspaper box.

I want to touch on

before the movie started, I overheard a conversation that happened in the seats directly behind us between a father and his son.

I believe the son was probably about 10 years old, and he was talking about how he wanted one of those popcorn boxes that dad had set up on the ledge in front of him.

And the dad goes, No way, do you see how big that thing is?

Yeah.

It's like the size of a seat.

You don't need that.

And then I made eye contact with this child, like, you're going a different path than I went

just because of who's raising you.

Justin also said the meanest thing I've ever heard him or anyone say to our father.

Would you like to repeat that in front of the no, come on, Juice.

You were proud enough of this to say it out loud in front of this little kid who is seated right behind you.

Come on, come on, Justin, my son, my firstborn.

Juice.

I don't want to do that.

Juice, no, no, no, Juice.

It was mean, but you.

It was too mean, and I was mad because of how early it was.

And I wasn't.

I don't know what this is about me.

I didn't think it was that mean.

I thought it was pretty mean, but you did eat.

So can you please.

I just told Dad that absolutely guaranteed 100%, no question, I was going to be putting his ashes in it.

And it was not a damn thing he could say or do.

He goes right in there where the newspapers go.

Yeah.

And then that's great, because anytime we need a scoop of papa,

like like if it snows and there's ice on the driveway or something we need to grid it yeah yeah also be a great little gerbil litter box hey that popcorn can't still be good huh because we saw that movie at nine in the goddamn morning all right thanks dad thank you so much dad appreciate you thank you

thank you don't forget you don't want to lose that cup yeah yeah

Do you guys ever see him buy shit like that and think, oh man, that money would have been mine in about 10 years?

You know what sucks?

What What sucks is I clowned on him so hard when the box came out, and I was clowning on him so hard that when the cup came out, and I thought, man, that cup kind of fucks.

But you can't.

I can't at that point.

Wow.

It's so, because I talk so much shit.

The cup with a cape kind of fucks?

I like Superman, dude.

Yeah, y'all sure do.

I like a big tumbler.

I can make it.

It's perfect for white wine.

Because you need a lot of

space for that.

This is my brother, my brother, me.

It's an advice show.

We take your questions on the show and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom.

We asked you, the people of Anaheim, we took a poll, and these are the questions that you send in to us.

The brothers mackerel.

Yeah, that's usually how it works.

Justin, Travis, and Griffin.

You guys know I'm vamping because my Wi-Fi won't connect.

Now, hang on.

How do you ask your neighbors if you can power wash their sidewalks for fun

that's from one of you in here named power wash of friendship are you here

or wait sorry are you here

all right

do you ever think in those moments when you ask are you here when there's like a significant break and then someone moves that someone in the audience thought oh they're not here the macro brothers are gonna feel terrible I'll make a noise.

It's definitely happened at least once, Guarantee.

That was the enthusiastic yelp of a power washer, if I've ever heard one.

one and i get it one i got my own power washer at home i love that dang thing it's fun and i feel like i'm i'm just taking care of bugs and ghosts or whatever it's great i get it you're fucking bragging now on stage i'm just talking about power washing griffin yeah i guess so i don't know how you can communicate to the person that you are not

Just passive aggressively telling them they need to clean up their cyborg because that sounds like an excuse that you would invent like, well,

I got to clean them somehow.

Oh, I know.

I'll tell them I love to do it.

That'll smooth things along.

How many times would you have to watch your neighbor power wash their own sidewalk before you went over to them hat in hand, very shame-faced and said, could you do mine too?

Yeah.

Yeah, I would need to know they can handle their instrument.

Because it's a dangerous job.

I don't want them going rogue and blasting one of my gnomes.

Like, no fucking way, man.

I need to make sure they're constantly moving.

If they stay in one place for too long, they'll bore a hole.

Yeah, right on the sidewalk.

I don't need that.

I think the most surprising thing about a power washer, and if you have a power washer, you know this, and I learned it the hard way, is that if you put the nozzle on just the right way, you will rip through cement.

You will make lines in the cement.

Now, I didn't know this.

And when, and when it first happened, my thought was this: well, that can't be right.

It's just water.

It's just water.

It's just fast water.

And so I just like kept.

How does the fast water go in the rocks?

I just sat there doing it and thinking, that's the damnest thing.

Do you think

there's no way?

There's no way.

That's what I keep thinking.

There's no way this is happening.

Do you think that's what God felt when he watched the river carve out the Grand Canyon?

Yeah, yeah.

And he was like, no fucking way, man.

There's no fucking way.

Look at this.

Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, watch.

Wait, watch.

Hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Just keep watching.

Yeah.

It's like two million years.

Just watch.

Wait for once.

Wait for two million years.

It's been wild.

It's crazy, right?

I got to make people so they can see this.

I'm going to act like I planned it.

You watch.

It's going to be amazing.

I better make donkeys, too.

I got to plan.

Would it be easier to make their sidewalk super duper yucky through some sort of sneaky means?

Do you have a neighbor on the other side of their house who's a big, messy boy?

Yeah, and you just happened to be walking through with the nozzle on and you just did their sidewalks.

Oh, you were doing your own sidewalk, but you went a little too far?

Yeah.

And then you offered to even it out.

Yeah, that's good.

I was trying to fly around on it like a Super Mario Sunshine did.

And I got a little bit on your sidewalks, and I am sorry about that.

No, no, Steve.

Just let me do your sidewalks for free.

You don't understand.

The joy it'll bring me.

I will.

I do think you make the argument that you have made my sidewalks look demonstrably worse by comparison.

You do owe me something, right?

Like, you've just gone out there, cleaned your sidewalks, and made me aware of how bad mine look.

So, you do, you are in debt to me somehow.

I thought we were all in this together.

I didn't know we were like a power washing street when I bought the house.

I do love the impulse to explain to the neighbor that you are doing it for fun and not for nice.

Like,

you were explicitly telling them, like, you don't have to pay me, but also, this is about me and not about you.

Yeah, I wouldn't do this if I didn't love it.

I actually hate your fucking guts, but you have a long, unblemished trail of asphalt out there that I would love to give you.

I think it would be actually supremely blemished, right?

That's the issue, right?

It's tantalizingly blemished.

Yeah.

How about another question?

Can I ask you guys a question?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

I was thinking about this the other day, and then I was reminded of it today during a conversation we had during dinner.

You know how there are people who think, like, oh, a hundred guys versus a gorilla.

I think if I was one of those guys, I'd win.

Or they think, like, oh, I've never been in a fight before.

I think I want to fight.

I don't know.

Do you think it's normal

to believe that if faced with just something inhumanly evil, like something from hell,

that in that moment I could summon a blade of pure light?

Okay, I'm gonna put a Do you think that's normal?

Okay,

do people feel that way

this is um I feel like I'm having a dream

and it's not a good one

Do I think you would summon a blade if you

think I would do you think it's normal that I think I would I need you to promise not to yell because me and Justin are about to say a lot of mean stuff at you

pretty fast.

And if we start talking over each other, it's gonna get unpleasant sonically

Would you produce a blade of pure light if faced up?

You can't.

Trav, fuck, man.

You just introduced this subject out of nowhere.

The fucking bridge that you used to get us to the subject was a meme that is at this point 600 years old.

You brought up fucking David after dentist and asked us to play in the space.

And then also, that's not really what you want to talk about on stage with your two brothers in front of 5,000 people.

It is, can you project project a blade of pure light out of your arm and face like what the fuck man griffin i can't stress this enough i'm not asking if you think i could do it i'm asking do you think other people think they could do it just like i do is it normal to feel that way what you're asking is do other people think that it's normal for you to think it yes and the answer to that is a resounding yes if you

If you start producing shit made out of pure radiant light out of your chest or whatever.

It would be in my hand.

Like, I would just kind of throw my hand out and the blade would form.

Okay.

That's weird.

What?

It's going to come out blade first, then it's going to hurt your hand.

If it comes out of your chest, then...

No, it just formed.

The handle would be in my hand and the blade would form.

If someone sees you produce anything made out of pure light from your hand or chest, do you realize the expectation you have then set in their mind?

You're hanging out with them later and they're like, where's the clicker?

I don't know.

Travis, produce one.

If you see a mother lift like a burning car car off their child?

You're not like, great, Debbie can help me move later.

At first, it's funny.

At first, I was tolerating this just because I still couldn't get connected to the Wi-Fi.

And then at a certain point, I did get connected to the Wi-Fi and I found myself powerless to stop it.

It was like a real, it was a real hand on the stove kind of moment.

You know what I mean?

I was thinking, like, how long can you take it?

Like, I don't know.

No.

I'm an engineer, not an artist, but I mess around with drawing for fun.

Hey, you're an artist.

Many years ago,

a machine artist.

Many years ago, I made a silly drawing based on a sillier inside joke between me and a friend.

I thought it came out pretty good, so I decided to gift it to said friend.

This friend displays all sorts of things around their house, from Capital A art to McDonald's Happy Meal toys, and my drawing would absolutely fit in nicely.

It has been well over a decade, and I have

I wanted to see how y'all would react if I didn't put any mustard on it at all, and the answer was still pretty good.

Yeah,

you put some

put the appropriate amount of mustard on it.

It's been well over a decade, and I have never seen my drawing again.

How do I ask for it back?

That's from no public display of friendship in orange.

Are you here?

And I'm kind of hoping no because I'm scared of you a little bit.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

This is a...

Hi.

You're very close.

You're quite close, huh?

I thought you'd be farther away.

A decade is a way of putting things that is so interesting to me.

A decade is how a super villain thinks in time.

A super villain thinks in terms of decade, score, millennia,

eon for eons.

Millennia ago, yeah.

Millennia.

I can't remember shit from a decade ago, and it's so awesome and great that this is one of your decade-long memories.

So much in my life has changed in the last decade.

I've moved numerous times.

The idea of someone I know saying, hey, do you remember that thing I handed you over a decade ago?

Go get it for me now.

Yeah,

I'd change my name and fake my death.

Do you think that they are going to say, Oh, of course, I have it?

I have it.

I filed it right here under a friend drawing.

Oh, that drawing you made?

I have it.

It was too beautiful.

It's in my safety deposit box.

Oh, that drawing?

It's here in my house.

We have it hanging in the annex

In reserve.

I see like

I got news for you.

If they liked your art, they got a place to put it.

It's called their walls.

I'm very afraid to say that.

I don't think it is still exit in terms of like what you think.

I go through this almost every day.

I have two children.

They will hand me things that they have made constantly.

And in my head, I have to decide,

are they handing it to me to display or to get rid of?

And I can't ask.

And they don't ever say it.

They don't ever say, get rid of this for me, or this is a test.

I was using a service to help with this for a quite a while called Archive.

And what you do is there's a big box, and then you throw your kids art, the good stuff, not the weak shit.

They're like, I just kind of scribbled on a thing.

Look.

Yeah, you traced your hand.

Thank you.

So the good stuff, I'll save.

but then I swear to God, this is instead.

I have loved this system because it has saved me from having to do this calculation all the time.

If there's any doubt, I'm just like put it in the box.

I came home, and what oh, sorry, with the box, what you do is you ship it off to this company and digitize everything.

Oh, wow, so they'll like digitize, they'll send you back like a digital file or whatever book, however, you want it.

So, uh, I uh I come in and I see Cooper has drawn a painting

on the box.

Wow.

Oh my gosh.

Dude.

It's the Kobayashi Maru.

Guys, she drew a painting on the box over the label I need to send it to the company to digitize it.

Dude, can I just say, though, that's some banksy-level meta-commentary.

If you held on to that, it's worth millions at this point, Justin.

I couldn't even be mad.

So draw your friend another drawing and then insist that they put them together.

So you're like, I just, it's a companion piece.

I'd love to see the two side by side.

I'll wait.

Yeah.

You know, it's funny, if you didn't hang the front,

I thought you would have hung the map on the back.

Oh, that's good.

What's the map go to?

And you'll say, like, I'm sure you noticed it.

Well, why don't you go check it out right now?

Yeah, that'll get a, you got me good.

I got no response to that, man.

When they go to look for it, they'll never come back out.

You just don't have that friend anymore.

They will wait for you to leave their house.

They do not need to be party to that.

Listen,

it's so wonderful to be here in Anaheim.

I'm nice.

I'm just thinking that.

I'd like to take this moment to just kind of clash up the show a little bit.

It's been a little silly and a little

puerile, if you will, with random people bringing up swords of pure light.

light.

So I'd like to present a little work of fart.

I hate that stinger every fucking time I hear it played.

Do you realize what a shame it is to me, for me, what a shame it is on me.

Whenever people ask me what I do and I explain, this is the moment I always think of.

Playing that wet fart noise at 64 kilobytes.

And that was a new one.

Paul changed it up with.

I was actually going to say that sounded fully lost.

Yeah.

Super.

Well, now when I tell people what I do and I think of this exact fucking moment, I won't feel embarrassed because the fart noise was a higher resolution for sure.

What I do is I notice the difference in bit rates of fart noises.

Yeah.

I notice whether or not fart noises are AUG files.

I will present to both of you some works of fart.

Yeah.

Specifically this time, Disney-related, as we were here in Anaheim, home at Disneyland.

Amazing.

So you will have to tell me which Disney titles slightly change.

Yeah, sure.

I am talking about.

I despise this game, and I absolutely smash ass at it.

Let's fucking go.

This version of the animated undersea classic reveals that those creepy, shriveled things.

A little spark made.

I'm just saying.

You gotta get out of bed a little bit.

No, get down, now, now.

Can I say?

Oh, I'm sorry.

sorry do i not smash just ask me that just say griffin griffin please please please no smash my ass say that like just say if you want super not gonna say that like super not gonna say that you know i'm not gonna say anything like that super

say don't smash that much ass dude and i will back i swear i promise you do not like i was saying he wrote the jet like yeah i'll pump the brakes if you don't want me to smash complete ass dude still you zoom out it's a comedy podcast like they came here a competitive comedy podcast yeah and i'm smashing ass over here travis went through the the trouble of writing the jokes.

Can I tell you the biggest joke is on Griffin as proving he thinks about this the same way I do?

No, it sucks.

I smash ass at this and very little else.

I just feel like you should be forced to let him finish the setup.

Okay, cool.

So the audience can enjoy the whole bit.

What if I'm wrong?

This version of the animated undersea classic reveals that those creepy shriveled things Ursula has captured are mermaid jizz.

Okay, cool.

And it was the little mermaid.

Little sperma, thank you.

Okay, this next one is written in the form of a personal ad.

Thank goodness.

Why are you?

Why?

As I suspected, you would say soon.

Cursed furry with anger issues seek to cake up book lover with ass for days.

Oh, the booty and the beast?

Correct.

I hate that it took me as long as it took me to get that.

I'm embarrassed that I didn't get it faster.

Fuck.

In a retelling of the Rapunzel story from Flynn Ryder's point of view he spends most of the movie hanging his dick over things

You're fucking all right, Travis McElroy

Okay,

He may not be a real boy, but this puppet is all man, and his nose isn't the only thing that grows.

Still, Okio.

No.

I was looking for Pinaokio.

I also would have accepted Pinus Okio.

It just doesn't work as well.

No.

Okay, I got one more.

He may not be considered a looker, but this guy guy sure knows how to ring those bells and swing his balls.

The hunch sack of Notre Dame.

Correct!

Sucks.

Sucks.

That's great.

I can't even tell who won.

It's hard to know.

I got all of them.

Only I win in Work of Fire.

Except I do, but

I did.

But I did win, right?

Yeah, you won.

He needs this, Justin.

We don't need it.

You and I have our own things going.

We coach a high school esports team, and we want to buy buy matching uniforms to help our players be taken seriously.

How do we convince a bunch of skeptical gamer teens that wearing matching uniforms is cool?

That's from Jersey Jadeds in Orange County.

Are you here?

Awesome.

Hoggers.

What?

Hoggers.

I do not know what that is.

I mean, does it have to be an athletic looking uniform?

Could it just be like, could it just, you have six Wolverines?

At least let them be Deadpools.

They said they wanted to be responsible.

You have to earn Deadpool.

The team captain can be Deadpool.

Deadpool and his potential.

Whoa, what if you have, are you saying you have one Deadpool and several Wolverines on each team?

Or are you saying you have a power?

On each team?

Hold on.

So you're saying that competing teams of esports

sometimes a family is one Deadpool and it's five Wolverines.

I'm saying, here's what I'm saying.

However many numbers of your chess team there are, you should have that many iconic outfits.

If you have four,

then you should do Sex in the City characters.

So each one of you, there's one Samantha, one Charlotte, one, you know, Terry.

You get it.

One Maria.

Miramba.

Yeah,

the whole bit.

But if you got seven or eight,

Avengers, I don't know.

Cool.

The wheels fell off.

It's really hard.

Once you get to seven, it's a lot harder to contextualize.

Like a seven-member team.

I mean, I should have said five because then you got the planet tears.

You got them dressed up in.

Yeah, sure.

I think that you're missing the obvious option here.

It's one word skins.

Like Fortnite skins.

Okay.

It sounded like a nice.

I heard it.

I heard it as I said it.

So I assume we're getting a bunch of war boys together, a bunch of

just a bunch of shirtless teens

zerging zerging out zerging out they do the same thing every time but look at them they're so intimidating

No, I mean, don't call them uniforms, call them skins like Fortnite skins.

But now I see that maybe don't introduce the concept of skins to your teenagers.

Because it'll be too powerful and then all the teens will want to be skins.

And then it'll just be a fight over who gets to be skins and who is on shirts today.

I think if you could earn, what if you did Luke Crates?

These little cardboard boxes and you let them rip them open.

There's different size uniforms.

Maybe they fit, maybe they don't.

You know, it's kind of fun.

You got to trade them in.

Got to trade them in.

And give them kids of spray paint that they can spray their own tags on stuff.

They don't make you worry about that in Fortnite when you open one up and it's like, oh, cool.

I can wear a suit to look like Bruno Mars.

Oh, man, it's way too big for my guy.

I look like I'm wearing Bruno Mars' dad's clothes.

Dang it.

They also don't show whatever custodial staff there is in Fortnite who has to go around scrubbing all the spray paint tags off of everything after the game ends.

Oh, dang, kids.

By the way, we're about to do 20 minutes of observational Fortnite humor.

So

brace your asses.

More like Fartnight.

Okay.

I mean,

can it give you some sort of advantage in the game?

Can it be pumping, have pumps with coolant?

Okay, yeah.

I'm imagining sort of like pain, but it's like pumping like, you know,

energy drinks.

Yeah, like monster, yeah.

Like monster, two big.

If they could make suits that would, like, work your muscles to keep you from getting carpal tunnel syndrome, that would be huge.

Yeah, that would be sick.

Symbol electrical pulses.

What about like

darts?

Like, what if the uniforms had dart guns like built-in, like weapons?

Oh, it's like weapons.

Yeah, yeah.

Like smoke bombs and stuff.

Yeah,

do you think they would let that happen?

Do you think they would let that?

Rules do that.

Just like six predator costumes.

Yeah.

An EMP that they can set off if the match starts going not their way.

A bunch of switchblades.

We're just talking about loadout at this point.

I haven't had these uniforms anymore.

Hey, here's another question.

I'm an artist and I like to go to places like coffee shops to practice drawing strangers as they go about their business.

It's a great way to practice figure drawing.

The problem is, from a distance, it looks like I'm just intently staring at people while scribbling in a notebook.

I mean,

from a distance, it looks like what it is.

Brothers,

how do I get my art practice in without coming across as creepy?

And that's from my promise: I'm an artist, not a serial killer.

Are you here?

Hello?

Hey, I want to say,

first off, most are both.

That is a good point.

The Venn diagram, most artists aren't, most serial killers are.

For sure.

Have you ever considered building a hunting blind?

Obviously, not for hunting.

No, no, no.

Then maybe call it something funny.

An artist blind.

Some kind of camouflage, perhaps a fake bookcase that you can stand behind, not be spotted by your prey.

The subject.

Everybody's so PC these days.

Can't even call human prey anymore.

If I saw someone taking discreet photos of me while seated in the corner of a cafe, I would be bummed out by that.

I would not, but I would want to walk over and say, like, hey, don't take a picture of me.

If someone's doing a sketch of me and I walk over, I guess it depends on how good the sketch is.

That's my bar.

If the sketch is so good that it almost looks like a photograph of me, fuck that.

You can't have that for free.

No way.

Wait, are you saying, sorry, is the idea here that the better the picture is, the more upsetting you find the extra?

I agree.

The better the picture is, the less practice they need.

Yeah.

You could have hired a model at this point.

I understand if you're so bad at it that you're like, I can't even show this to a model or take a class, they wouldn't see this.

Yeah, of course you would have to do that in the wild.

But if you're really good at it,

go.

But if they really fucking capture me, I don't want them to have that.

No way.

What are you going to do with it, creepozoid?

Why do you need to know what I look like so bad?

But if it's a shitty drawing of me where you can't tell it's me, go right ahead.

Now, Griffin, let me ask you a question.

Yeah, go ahead.

I feel like I've established my rules pretty clearly.

In this same scenario, you look over.

Yeah.

Someone's clearly drawing you.

Yeah.

You can hear it, right?

You can hear it.

Okay, go ahead.

They have a big easel set up.

Yeah.

They're wearing a floppy beret.

Sure.

Maybe like a linen tunic.

Why?

They've got like a paintbrush behind their ear.

They're constantly leaning out, pointing a thumb at you.

That's clearly an artist.

Yeah.

Does that help?

No, it doesn't.

Did you hear my rules?

If I walk over and the painting looks exactly like me, I'm going to slap it to the ground and say, you can't have my picture like that.

What if it's like a cubist or abstract, but it's clearly you?

Go right ahead, baby.

That could be fucking anybody.

What if it's like you, but very green?

But it's clearly you, but it's green.

It's like a it's like a Shrek Hill.

Yeah.

Have they.

How much of my features have they accurately cast?

Dead on, but it's very green.

I have no way you can't have that.

What are you gonna do with that, you fucking weird

What if you're just one of like nine different subjects in the picture, but all share equal focus?

And you're very red.

He doesn't deserve that.

No, I can answer this.

Hold on, let me run it through the rubric.

That's probably just nine that they're going to, you know,

jerk off to or whatever.

Okay, what if you go over there?

It's a caricature of you on a skateboard,

totally shredding.

Yeah.

And saying, like, hang loose, dude.

Do I have a shirt on?

It's unbuttoned.

Yeah, it's on the bubble, but go right ahead.

You're in the clear.

I understand why you can't mention it to somebody there, because if someone said this to me, I would have no problem with it, but I would immediately start posing like Helen Hunt in as good as it gets.

You know, arching my back to find the sexiest way of emulating retro games on my Linux laptop.

Hey, we're going to take a quick break and come back and do more goofs and jokes.

We got signposters out in the lobby.

Have a bathroom break.

Get in whatever, and we'll be back soon.

Bye.

It's better with you.

Folks, they say that a fool and their money are often parted.

And

anyway, our dad has been interested in using rocket money to sort of square up his finances.

Yeah, I've been very foolish.

Very, very foolish.

Griffin, give dad the URL where he can get started right now.

Let's start with that, and dad can start signing up.

I mean, it's rocketmoney.com/slash my brother.

And then you go there and you can sign up, and it's great.

Why to act like dad's not already convinced, though, and maybe like sell him on it or like ignore the fact that he's already convinced?

Well, while he's signing up, I could tell him that it is going to look at your spending and it's going to highlight some places where you could save a few bucks.

One great way is subscriptions to look

at some subs you may have forgotten and ask if you want to keep them.

They may even be able to help you cancel them or save a few bucks on them, dad.

Man,

now I'm even more convinced, Justin.

Okay, yeah, but hold on, dad, because Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million and canceled subscription.

Just to be clear, Dad, that's all of them together have saved 500 million.

Not each one saves 500 million.

I don't want you to get confused.

With each member saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features.

Travis Griffin, I'm a little bit worried about something.

If the Rocket Money robots start climbing through dad's finances looking for, quote, unnecessary purchases, I'm afraid their little robo-brains might melt.

That's fair.

I think that the robots at Rocket Money are top-of-the-line models.

They will be able to scan his finances and help him save money.

No problem.

I would.

So I would love.

Dad, can you report back?

Hopefully, we'll have another Rocket Money ad at some point.

Report back and tell me what crazy garbage the thing failed in your institution.

Be like our dad in this one

specific way only.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Go to rocketmoney.com slash my brother today.

That's rocketmoney.com slash my brother.

One last time, rocketmoney.com slash my brother.

Dad, how's that sign-up process going?

Really good.

I need whatever

the code is again.

Oh, rocketmoney.com slash my brother.

We just said it three times, man.

Yeah, you had to have already gone to it.

I type with my phone.

I'm ignoring my dad now.

Yes.

Because I also want to bring everyone's attention to the fact that it's nice outside, especially here.

We're recording this live in Anaheim.

The weather.

California is always like 10 degrees better than where you live.

Yeah.

And I'll tell you, when the weather's nice like that, I don't want to spend all my time inside cooking.

No, gross.

So instead...

With all the oil and all the gritty spices.

I do live in an oil derrick.

That's true.

And you spill the gritty spices on the floor and you walk around on the floor layer.

It feels like sand.

The spice must flow, Griffin.

No way.

That's why I turned to Factor because Factor's chef-crafted meals are ready in just two minutes, taking the hassle out of eating well.

Drop all the spaghetti, it goes down the air conditioning van on the floor, you gotta fish it out.

Yeah.

No way, man.

That happens to me

every day.

Only factor, I don't have to go spaghetti fishing in the air conditioning.

Sometimes I accidentally throw the spaghetti.

It goes in the ceiling fan.

It gets everywhere.

A piece of spaghetti hit my son in the eye the other day.

Hey, Griffin, a lot of kids at school told me that factor meals are just a bunch of carrots and cucumbers chopped up with ketchup mixed around.

That's so weird they said that because it's so not true.

They've got 45 weekly menu options that can fit your goals, your tastes, whatever.

That's what I like that.

It's better that way for sure.

They've got nutritious breakfasts.

They got on-the-go lunches, premium dinners.

Whatever you are in the mood for, Factor's got your whole day covered.

So get started at factormeals.com slash brother50off

and use code Brother50Off.

That's Brother50Off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box.

That's code brother50off at factormeals.com slash brother50off for 50% off plus free shipping.

Factormeals.com slash brother50Off.

Oh my God, he's looping.

He's trapped.

He's fun to say.

He's trapped in the singularity.

Brother50 Off also sounds like some kind of like weird monk character that I've written about.

I think dad is done signing up for Rocket Money because his phone is curling into a monkey's paw.

Enjoy the rest of the show, folks.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Law.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

There's a table and chairs set up.

Bye, Trav.

There's a table and chairs set up immediately behind this screen.

It's where we signed some of those lovely posters earlier.

And right now, right before we walked on stage, we saw that dad is sitting at one of those chairs, literally right behind this screen.

Just

if we seem a little on edge,

that is why.

Yeah,

I want a munch.

I want to munch.

Welcome to Munch Squad's podcast within a podcast profiling.

My very latest and the very greatest in branding.

I hope some folks over at Angel Stadium heard that and were like, what the fuck they got going on over there?

That sounds like 5,000 people screaming squad.

What's up with the giant helmets?

Hey, what's up with those giant helmets?

It protects their giant heads.

Outside of the stadium, those are biggest helmets I've ever seen.

It's amazing.

I thought that big blue horse in Denver was big, but these helmets are something else.

We're going to start a rivalry between Anaheim and Denver tonight.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's get it going.

Hey, folks, I'm going to.

You're ready to hate.

You guys were too ready to hate.

You're so ready to hate.

Finally, an excuse to hate Denver.

Well,

I don't know if you all heard the news, but I hope you heard the news because snack wraps are back.

I mean, they're just back, brother.

We're right here in the middle of snack wrap fever.

You didn't know it, but this is a snack wrap emergency they just came back yesterday and america is losing its fucking mind

wait go back did that marquise say snack wrap is like you won i love how this is how this is how mcdonald's has been messaging the snack wrap return if you can zoom in there on the text paul because it's a little difficult to oh i'm wearing my glasses still sorry i uh dad no up top up top Dad made me feel bad about my eye and he told me to put my glasses back on at one point.

So I've been wearing them very intentionally anytime he's around like an apologizing like, oh, I'm sorry, dad, let me put my glasses back on so you don't have to look at your son.

It's because he saw Superman at 9 a.m.

on IMAX and it made his left eyeball explode.

I'm so glad that McDonald's brought back the snack rat because since it went away, I've been craving a chicken tender in a tortilla with a couple shreds of lettuce and some cheese and ranch, and I couldn't crack the recipe.

Well, you know what's amazing is dad was confused.

He was like, wait a minute, they've had the snack wrap back for a while.

I was like, okay, dad, I understand why you think that because the local affiliate, I don't think that's the term, the franchisee of McDonald's and Huntington just went absolutely loco and started their own snack wraps a couple of years ago.

They looked around and realized that Kroger would legally sell them tortillas and chicken tenders, and they just fucking went for it.

Yeah, so I've been enjoying these bad boys for a while.

The pirate radio snack route.

This is the entirety of the press release, by the way, when they announced it.

The following statement was released today by Joe Erlinger, President of McDonald's USA, in response to questions about the return of the iconic snack route to menus.

It's back.

That's...

Why are they so embarrassed of this change?

They're too mad.

And honestly, if you are surprised by this news and you do not see the writing on the wall when the Krispy Strip was introduced in the menu, you are high.

They had all the clues they needed all in front of you.

Can I just say, looking at it again, I think maybe one of the reasons they're writing this from such an embarrassed kind of voice is because they realize, like, my theory is that the reason they stopped carrying snack wraps is not because they made a decision.

It's like the cheapest, easiest to build ingredients ever.

They forgot to like check a box on a form at a yearly meeting, and then it was like, oh, fuck, how long has it been since we didn't do snack wraps?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

You can't make it blast goo like that at home, man.

That takes special machinery.

So when I say America's losing its fucking mind over this beauty, I mean America's losing its mind.

Paul, I've pulled a sampling of some reactions from across the globe.

We've got media reports.

We've got local testimonials.

We've got it all.

Oh, we got a printed review here.

My honest review of the snack wrap is not good.

There was so much ranch.

Like a fruit gusher, but ranch.

The chicken tastes like opossum leg how specific that i by the way my facebook's all west virginia people talking about it so i may be getting some local flavors i'm just gonna say i waited so long for this so long i'm sticking to burger kings chicken wraps all right

are these snack wraps good or not because i haven't ate mcdonald's all motherfucking year so if that go and they're trash i'm flipping everything over

That's not a review, I guess.

We're so back.

Woke up feeling much better today and emptier after a stomach bug yesterday.

Gross.

Guys, this is Fox 13's Regina Gonzalez.

Hey, Regina, you fucking.

After I blew my asshole inside out yesterday.

Breaking news.

Why hubs looked on?

We had obviously had to commemorate this special day.

Snack wraps have made a return to McDonald's after five years.

It's been 10.

Fun fact, when Spencer and I started dating, we would go on weekends.

We would always make a point to grab these there on the way home.

Kind of feels like a wedding present from McDonald's.

That is the ending of someone that forgot they started with dropping ass.

Yeah.

Now,

I also love, and sometimes punctuation can be so powerful.

Yeah.

Kind of feels like a wedding present from McDonald's.

Question mark, question mark.

I don't know.

I also don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I'm so dehydrated right now.

I shit for 36 hours straight.

Come on.

What else?

We tried tried the snack wraps and we were highly disappointed three out of ten the chicken tender was giving dinosaur tail or something

chilly's chili as fuck

the fuck

okay

y'all sitting out there judging the west virginia person for talking about days like a boss i'm like who out here is eating dinosaur tail that we don't know about you guys have access to that here

look paul the event can you play the today show oh yeah okay okay listen the snack wrap is back for good.

And guys, look, after nearly 10 long years, we get to sink our teeth into one.

Had you had one before?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

It's like taking a bite of nostalgia.

I don't remember the snack wrap, but you've wolfed that round down.

I used to love a snack wrap.

Really?

Oh, my God.

My kids are going to be very excited.

And look, it's like, I brought it back.

It's like an I-voted sticker, but instead it's about

what's happening.

Sorry, one more time.

If you could just play the last second of that, Savannah Guthrie just said the craziest thing I've ever heard anybody say out loud.

One more time.

It's the sticker is like what, Savannah?

It's like an I voted sticker, but it's not.

Next up.

That felt like a thing from a sketch.

No, is that real?

It's all fucking real, Travis.

America's losing.

A bite of nostalgia?

Yeah, man.

You haven't had chicken tenders and ranch in a decade?

So, Paul, do you have the text message?

Okay, so.

This is how he actually talks to us in group texts, by the way.

Just, it starts with my ass is going to Micro Center, fuck y'all.

Is a pretty good cross-section of.

So, you know, was in response to dad asking if Justin wanted to go to a bookstore with him.

He said some mean things about my eyeball, though, remember?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

After you told him you were going to put his ashes in a popcorn bucket.

So anyway, dad said right now, and then I was like I don't want to go to Microsoft with dad so I was like just kidding just JK JK

and then dad's like lol and then Amanda says 10 minute lifts right away and I was excited and then I say

y'all want any snack wraps I'm gonna order some at 1244

at least two of the people in this chat I signed their paychecks See the time at the top of this, Paul?

It's 2.30.

It's an hour and 45 minutes later.

I'm here to tell you friends, I could have screen capped it right now because I still am waiting a response

particularly.

I am still to this very second trying to decide what sauce I want.

1244 to 8.55.

Yep.

Okay, Griffin just texted yes.

So I thought everybody would want some and they'd want to get in.

I'll try dad wants some too.

He just said dad wants some too.

I thought everybody would want to get on the action, but they didn't.

But that's okay because I brought the experience to you.

Hi.

Hi.

Welcome to my exclusive taste test of

the new returned McDonald's snack wrap.

I have invited some of the other brothers over and some of our other folks here, but I haven't heard back.

But I didn't want him to get cold, so I didn't think that was fair to McDonald's.

So let's just get into it.

I'm going to start with this one.

I don't know which is which, but this one didn't fit into my pyramid I made.

So

I wish I hadn't gotten so many.

Sorry, I thought I heard it off.

Okay, so this is the wrap.

This was mine, because there's no sauce on it.

Let's give this a try, and I'll try one of the ones.

You asked for it dry, yeah, for sure, man.

Thank you.

No one needs that.

I went to a drink.

I went to get a drink.

Yeah, it's a dry look.

I said it on the video.

They tasted exactly like they used to.

Anybody who says differently is incorrect.

I ate about 100,000 of these bad boys back in the day, and this is what they tasted like.

Just some krispied chicken in a friggin' wrap.

And some bites were just tortilla, and that's the way I liked it.

This was...

Were these all dry?

Okay, see, this is no spicy sauce.

Sometimes I can get into like a spicy sauce, but if they go too much with the mayo and stuff, I'm going to bail out of that.

You don't have to that, but we're not gonna complete that bite.

Just one second, okay.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, no.

Why was that the IU club?

I'm gonna try knocking over here just to make sure you can hear it.

Of the two, yeah.

Yeah, it seemed like you'd hear it.

Um, uh, yeah, that's spicy.

Um, it's really spicy.

This is giving me powerful vibes of like a grandfather who made a bunch of hamburgers for all his grandkids and they didn't show up.

So I think this is.

I'm 10 minutes from Disneyland.

I really like these snack wraps.

This was a great lunch.

I'm going to put these in the fridge and maybe nuke them for a post-ho treat.

And I'll see if...

You got some for after show?

See if anyone wants to have some after the show or whatever.

Yeah, man.

I don't know.

It's whatever.

I brought some, I brought Mario Kart sets.

I'll tell you what.

Yeah.

Snack wraps are better after they steep.

It's true.

Yeah, so those will be sort of very old

by the time we get to that point.

But snack wraps are definitely back, and they did.

It doesn't matter how they taste it because who cares?

But I will say,

the scary thing about this is, and this is where it gets a little real,

there are

chicken snack rap wars that are firing up right now.

Yeah, I know it's tough.

Burger King is already sort of like...

Can you make that go?

Sorry, Paul.

Okay.

The face was disconcerting to have big.

The only human face I have.

The,

just as a reminder, when everybody uses my face as a punchline, it is still the only one that I do possess.

I don't want to put the sunglasses back on, but I will if I have to.

The thing was, I was singing karaoke, and I did fancy so hard that I blew up my eyeball.

That's what happened.

That's the real truth.

Okay,

that's the first time he said it publicly, folks.

Do you know what it's like for Griffin and I to know that that's what happened at night?

That he sang Reeba McIntyre's fancy so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eyeball.

I did not know.

So when you all claim Griffin and I or Justin and I or all three of us don't like each other, remember that Griffin and I knew that Justin sang karaoke so hard he bought the blood vessel in his eyeball.

And we didn't say it because we love him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was.

It was submitted for me.

That's not really my song anymore.

In my 30s, I could hit those notes, but not in my 40s.

Yeah.

I do something in red now by Lori Morgan.

Yeah.

But I knew I was going to hurt myself and somebody submitted Fancy For Me and I gave it the old college try to blew up my goddamn eyeball.

There is, sorry, this is the, there is the risk of the chicken snack wrap wars firing up.

The most troubling,

fuck, the most troubling salvo

came from Popeyes.

I really hope there will be a rest of this show, but I may want to watch this video 18,000 times before I watch it one more.

Whenever you're ready, Paul.

The snack wrap is back at McDonald's, but Popeyes is countering with its own rap.

Oh, beef.

Oh my, the fast food chain dropped this AI generated diss track yesterday with the caption, to all the clowns in the kitchen, it's time to put down the chicken.

Wow.

It also has a creepy AI version of Ronald McDonald that you saw there not too long ago, who appears to be losing his mind.

Oh, there he is again.

That's quite terrifying.

Yeah.

Wow.

And a a kangaroo?

What's the kangaroo doing there?

And there's no aliens.

No, those are real.

Honestly,

it's kind of like nightmare fuel.

It's a fine

for people who don't like clowns.

Yeah.

Candace does not like clowns.

They're speechless.

That's probably why they ran this when she wasn't here.

She's got a thing.

That's clever, dude.

You really liked it.

That's crazy.

Their chicken Sammy over there is pretty good at Popeyes.

Yeah.

Ranked what, number five?

Number Number five yesterday.

Yeah, we talked about that yesterday.

What is happening?

Chick-fil-A.

Chick-fil-A.

No surprises.

Fucking cool, man.

So the chicken sack rat wars are fully on.

Thank you, David.

I would have told you that was a promo for Twisted Metal.

Yeah.

So thank you to McDonald's and thank you to everyone in the Munch Squad.

I appreciate you.

Thank you.

We are going to turn it over to you all.

We've asked you to send in your questions.

We're going to call some people down to this microphone here.

It's house center, right, right in front of us.

I apologize to the people sitting next to the microphone.

You're just your co-stars now.

Welcome to the podcast.

We are going to call some people down to the microphone

and

we're going to answer your questions.

Please don't come down to the microphone if we don't call you.

Unless you have like a real

fucking dog.

Don't put that out there, dude.

Before we start, we do, we have started to knock out some quick ones in like rapid succession.

And we did receive one message from Jeremy and Rebecca who brought us a special present.

If, Justin, you want to walk in what we've got.

Yeah, they brought us a box of progressive soup drops.

Formerly featured.

So the soup you can suck on.

Formerly featured in the munch squad.

Yes, this is an unopened tin of soup drops.

Of course it is.

If it wasn't unopened, we would not even try eating it.

Nice try.

This is the on-the-go chicken noodle flip.

Open it on mic.

Grip it and rip it.

Crack that fucking shit.

Oh my god.

Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, dude.

How many are in there?

Looks like three.

Plenty.

Okay, cool.

I don't actually want to do it.

I'll do the talking while you all do the sucking.

All right, cool.

Coward.

Okay, so so.

Cheers.

Cheers, yeah.

Cheers, Justin.

For Paul and Amanda.

Oh, wait for one, Rachel, too.

Boop.

Throw one for Dad.

Give one to Dad.

For Dad and for Shannon.

Okay, so I'm not going to throw any more because they're probably going to break.

Cheers.

Cheers, everyone.

We're not going to make any sucking noises on the microphone.

I'll leave the stage.

Here we go.

That sucks.

Instantly.

It sucks right away.

Instantly, so regret it, so hard.

It's not sweet at all.

There's no sweetness.

There's no sweetness.

It fucking sucks.

It's so

you could

get someone so good by giving it to them and saying it's like a butterscotch.

This is the lowest.

I know.

My mouth doesn't want it in it.

I'm out, dude.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm cashed.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

That's so fucking gross.

That's grosser than you would even think it is.

You would think it's like doing a bullion hard.

Anytime we do one of these, it's always like...

That kind of fucks.

It doesn't.

It doesn't fuck at all.

The back of my throat wanted to throw up.

This sucks.

It still sucks.

It's not even in my mouth anymore, but it is in my mouth forever.

Like a ghost.

Like a ghost.

It is haunting my palate.

Get it out.

If dad put one of those in his mouth, have him spit it out.

Get it away from dad.

Paul, get it away from dad.

My dad.

There's still popcorn in the tent.

We can't put him in yet.

My baby.

A little pop.

Come on in the tent.

No!

Hey, if anybody has an extra dad,

real quick, Mikey C asks, can we vape?

No.

No.

No, you shouldn't do that in here.

Not here or, I don't know, maybe anywhere.

This science is out.

We'll see if this one

pans out.

But, Becca, you got to take a cleansing breath or two because otherwise we're going to struggle for the rest of the shows.

That was the grossest thing I've literally ever put in my mouth.

I live a pretty easy life at this point.

It's 2025.

You know what I mean?

I don't have a lot of mastodons, but it was a real threat warning from my body that there was a serious

trying to be contrarian.

I'm like, not so bad.

And like my

immuno system was like, get it out.

It tasted like a cat food smells.

Pretty much exactly.

Becca R sent in a message that said, I have a jacket from the crew of the OC.

Does Griffin want it?

Like, fucking yeah.

Do you have it with you or is this a...

Yes?

Do you have it with you or is this a...

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Oh, wait, here comes the spot.

Oh, man.

Fuck.

I've never been jealous of you before, ever.

I've wondered what it would feel like.

I'm experiencing it now.

I'm not going to get you.

You have something I want.

We should switch.

These fucking rules.

It smells like Peter Gallagher was close to it.

Thank you so much.

What an amazing gift.

Hello.

Hello.

How's it going?

My name's Emily.

Is she hurt?

And I don't know which question that you asked.

You asked a question about a pig that we were so delighted by.

I want to know how I can sneak a pig into my wedding.

My venue won't allow it, and I'm desperate for it to be like the ring bearer.

Emily,

so so rarely are the questions we get to so deliciously farcical and I'm excited to tackle this one.

Yeah.

Do they have a specific like Airbud inspired rule that says like no pigs as ring bearers?

Specifically.

I mean I am assuming they won't let me have a pig.

It's a nice yacht club and it's inside.

It's not outside on the grass.

So, I'm just thinking maybe we can bring it in with some of the rentals.

But is it on a boat?

Good.

You can't put a pig on a boat.

That's fucking crazy.

It's also that's also bad luck.

That's bad luck to get a pig on a boat.

They'll get so scared.

Are you going to have like a crew of people setting up like the wedding?

My family.

Okay, could you dress the pig like a member of your family?

I could see the resemblance.

That's not, Emily.

That's not what I was saying.

Just put words in my mouth.

This, you could say, now, I know that's a pig, but he is the florist and he will depart before the ceremony begins.

You don't have to worry about him.

And then, once the ceremony begins, you put him into a different outfit that makes him look like a guest.

And I don't think this is helping you, but imagining it is helping me a great deal.

Yeah.

You know, one thing you could

have rules.

That's great, actually.

We cannot make enough.

We cannot make enough beignets for the crowd.

Does anybody know how to cook beignets?

Yeah,

that's cool.

A power that you can wield, and this is not based on fact, but rather old school beliefs of a thing.

Just say, yeah, I know we shouldn't have a big, but it's a favor to my mother-in-law.

That's all, man.

One thing that wedding venues are never, ever, ever, ever going to do is during your wedding, be like,

stop the wedding, everyone.

Stop the wedding.

They won't have the guts.

They can get mad afterwards if they want, and you just be like, fine, I'll never get married here again.

Yeah.

If I may,

one piece of feedback is that if you are going to attach your incredibly precious wedding rings to an animal, maybe don't do it on the one that famously people compete to try to catch at county fairs and stuff.

This is an excellent point.

How have you sourced this pig?

Yeah, there's livestock rental companies that will like bring petting zoos to you.

So it's not like a pig, it's not like your pig.

It's not my pig.

I can't get married.

It's a childhood dream here from Philly.

What you're telling me is just some pig.

It's just, it's just some pig.

It's...

We try to have fun, you know.

You only go around once in a second.

So just when you picture your wedding, right, what you see is this venue, whatever dress you're going to wear or outfit you're going to wear, your partner up there, and non-negotiables,

the pig carrying the rings down the aisle.

That's just part of it.

Or walking the pig down with me.

Well, yeah, I assume there would need to be some chaperoning of the pig.

I love the idea that there's a betting zoo big who on the day is going to be like, no, no, no, I get it.

Trust me.

You put the rings on my back.

I walk down there.

You take them off.

I turn around.

Maybe I throw some flowers out if you want.

That costs extra, but that's okay.

And then I add back an open bar, I'm assuming.

All these flower petals just scattered around.

Are those free game?

Or were you guys planning on eating those?

You guys aren't going to eat me during the...

No, that's just a joke that I tell.

I've done this a hundred times.

I was about to ask you to sit down in the very nice way that we do it.

You'll know it when it happens.

But before we do that, I did want to say earlier when I said that they're not going to stop your wedding i don't know that that's true and i mean i've been sitting up here thinking about it like i just fucking said that i don't know and if they like did stop it i would just feel terrible about it so i don't know i don't have like a better answer but it's like don't do that and count on that being accurate no but it would be wild to see like and if anyone objects to this wedding speak now

yeah Yeah, yes, what is it?

I don't mind actually the union, but they shouldn't have pigs in here.

Yes.

Wait a minute, you're right.

Can you make the pig look like it ran in off the street?

That's not.

He's not supposed to.

Oh, no, but the rings fell on him.

Oh, maybe make him look like he's wearing like a striped jumpsuit, like he escaped from prison.

That's cool, yeah.

And he stole those rings.

Yeah.

Does that help?

That's so helpful.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Emily.

What a wonderful little play space to play in.

Look at them.

Oh, my God.

Yeah,

if you have two pigs, they gotta say yes.

You get two pigs, Mary.

Especially if you have the pigs walking down the aisle and say, I was adopted.

Hello.

Hello, I'm Caitlin.

Hi, Caitlin.

I'm a scare actor at a theme park in the area.

Okay.

Do you ever say scare actor?

Scare actor?

Sorry.

Scharacter.

Scharacter?

Scare actor.

Sorry.

No, we're out of here.

Sorry.

Shut up.

Everyone but me and her, shut up.

Scharacter.

A scare actor.

Yeah, okay, good.

All right, we got it.

All right, scare actor.

And I tell you, I thought that's what you said.

I want to make sure you're saying that.

You also extremely answered his question by doing that.

In a rare moment, you said scare actor, and my brain went, ask if they ever say scare actor.

And I thought, that's too dumb.

And then Justin said it, and it was one of the most validating moments in my adult life.

The ideas will hop like fleas between us.

That's how big magic works.

Sometimes they land on me and they were supposed to go to him.

You never know, right?

So how can we help?

I love scare acting.

I think I'm pretty good at it.

But I am a bit of a scaredy cat, personally.

You get it.

That's how you know.

When I walk to my lunches, there are guests who will try to scare me.

And it's pretty effective.

I try to stay in character as much as I can, but I'm wondering if a guest does scare me, how should I retaliate while remaining in character?

Caitlin.

Okay, is there a way I don't want you to tell us what character you play?

It's impossible for us to do this without knowing it.

I know, but I need you to, in a non-legally binding way, tell me what character you play.

A demon clown?

Okay.

Yeah, that does, yeah, okay.

That narrows it down.

This is a clown.

Sorry.

Were you a demon first who became a clown or a clown first who became a demon?

A clown who became a demon yeah it doesn't go the other way there's not a demon like

it's my calling

well okay what no sorry Griffin what's fucking wilder a demon who started as a demon and said you know what I'd love to be a clown or a clown that during life Lucifer went you know what kid you've gotta I'm changing you What if you look at the person and say, finally, there's someone to scare Pagliachi.

That's good.

Yeah, have have a complete fucking mental collapse right there on the boardwalk or whatever.

No, see, because Pagliachi was a clown, right?

But there was nobody that could, he told the doctor.

No, no, take it back.

He goes to the doctor.

And the doctor says you should go see this clown Pagliachi.

He says, but doctor, I am Pagliachi.

No, no, no, you gotta step back.

He was sad, right?

So he was sad, and he was a clown.

Did I say he was a clown?

And he's sitting there in clown makeup, which makes it so weird that the doctor brought it up.

I think if they scare you, you should run as fast as you can because that is always very funny but also kind of disconcerting the longer it goes on because i would laugh at first but then the longer you ran i'd be like wow they're really committed to it i i will say i worked as a scare actor and that's what we call it for a while at a couple different places and

The thing that always struck me is the people who wanted to, one, show me how unscared they were of the haunted house and two, try to scare me back.

And all I can think is like, we both know what's going on.

You bought a ticket.

You're $19.99.

Yeah, I'm getting paid to be here.

You paid to be here.

Which one's scarier?

The difference between you and me, I think, is that if that happened to me, the need to piss would immediately disappear.

And all I would think of is how I was going to scare this person back so fucking hard, they wouldn't even know.

I would start following them around the park and wait till they're most vulnerable.

I mean, by themselves in the dark.

Follow them home.

Wait till they're in the toilet and then stand outside and be like ooh nasty what you've been dock you've been like doxing them on social media

i bet your mom karen is disappointed than you doug yeah it's scary isn't it

the length that they're willing to go to does that help it helps okay cool thank you caitlin

uh can we uh yeah this is good yeah come on down hi i'm dominic keehim hi travis hi dominic how are you good I'm doing great, man.

It's good to see you.

Hi.

Hi, hi.

Okay, so my parents haven't bought any new towels for about 30 years.

Yes.

Okay, yes.

It got to the point that I was dreading going home because I had to dry myself with this sandpaper.

Yeah.

So for the last four years, I've been smuggling new towels into their house and hiding the old ones in like little cachets around the house.

Yeah, but

I'm getting concerned that if I don't like empty the cachets soon, they're going to be found and put back in circulation.

Right.

Dominic, can I ask a question?

In your own home, how particular are you about towels?

Are you do you feel that your parents' position on towels has created in you a need to have the finer towels in your in your home?

There are a few things more important to me at this point.

Okay, so okay, Dominic, this is what I suggest.

As I suspected this, our parents were fucking towel degenerates.

Our mom bought, I think my mom, our mom bought 30 towels the day I was born and never bought another fucking one.

As far as I know.

I do think when I went to to college in Oklahoma, like 2,000 miles away from West Virginia, I took a pre-existing towel.

Yeah.

I don't think new towels were all.

The reason Griffin looked at me confused is because he didn't use a new towel until he was 23 years old.

He didn't even know that was a possibility.

He didn't even know you had the option.

In my home,

I have two different kinds of towels.

They're the ones that I use and the ones that anybody who isn't me or married to me uses.

And if the ones that aren't the ones that get used by me or the people married to me uses, you know, the good towels, if they end up in the wrong drawers, which confusingly, the other half of the team who benefits from this arrangement often is the one messing it up.

And it's like, hey, Sydney, do you not care about which towels you use?

I mean, she's like, go away, you know, whatever.

I'm a doctor.

I'm busy saving life.

So I think it creates a new scarcity mindset.

In my home,

the towels that touch mine and my wife's body get rolled up.

Other towels get folded that's the difference good towels like we know like oh these are the towels that deserve Travis yeah

when we've when we've god I wish that wasn't true no but it is and we're really being very vulnerable you two are being so weirdly vulnerable also most of the towels that touch my body have purple streaks across them it's

okay like these are marked it looks like it all of the Travis's towels look like they just cleaned up Grimmis's sex mess

That's the color of my hair dye.

Yeah.

So what I would start with, Dominic, is towels are hard to throw away because when you throw them away, it will fill up a whole trash can and it will be very obvious that you've thrown away a towel.

I think you got to start with hand towels.

You cut it in half.

You got two hand towels.

Excellent.

Do it again.

Washcloths.

Might throw away a washcloth.

This one's looking.

Do it again.

Postage stamps.

Yes.

Eventually, you've cut it up enough times you can make jeans.

Just grind it down to denim.

How many towels are we talking about, Dominic?

At least

20 to 30, yeah.

Because they kept buying new ones for like 10 years or something.

Oh, so they bought new ones thinking getting rid of old ones?

Yeah.

So there was some slight increasing towel quality, but after like 10 years.

Can I ask?

How wet are your parents getting?

Because it's.

20 to 30 is pretty.

Is that all of them?

It's beyond science at this point.

Okay, so, okay, okay.

Dominic, are you ready for this?

They're saving those towels for when there's a big mess that needs cleaned up that will ruin towels.

Yeah.

And they're like, well, those are scrap towels that we won't feel bad cleaning up this thing.

Yeah.

You must create within the house that thing that ruins the towels so bad that they can't be washed.

The big one, Dominic.

The big one.

The big spill.

The big spill they've all been waiting for.

I'm glad you said spill and not anything more human.

No, no, no.

Hey, I'm not going to box you in.

No, no, no.

This is your art form to create.

Because if I tell you what it is, they've probably already thought about it.

You're going to generate the next iteration of mess.

Yeah.

Good luck.

A mess no one's ever thought of or

braced themselves for.

Yeah,

show me an AI that can make that kind of mess.

No way.

Does that help?

Oh, you nailed it.

Thank you so much, Dominic.

And thank you all.

Thank you.

Hey, folks, thank you all so much for coming here to our live Mabimbam here in Anaheim.

We have had a wonderful time.

You've been so incredibly kind to us.

And this has been a weird one.

They're always weird, but this has been a really weird one.

And I've really enjoyed it.

So thank you so much.

Energy has been off the charts.

Thank you all so much.

Tomorrow night, we're doing a Taz Dadlands with Brennan Lee Mulligan.

Please come to that.

Thank you to the Grove of Anaheim for having us.

This is a beautiful, beautiful space.

Beautiful place.

And thank you to Montane for these for our theme song, My Life is Better With You.

Thank you to Fay Day Arts for creating this incredible poster of all of us on a road trip.

There's a bunch of Easter eggs in there, too, so make sure you gotta catch all the Easter eggs.

I specifically asked no Easter eggs.

We also have the Paul Saborn Memorial Canned Food Drive challenge coin for sale still benefiting Second Harvest Food Bank of Orange County.

Thank you to Paul.

Thank you to Amanda and to Rachel and to Shannon and our dad, Clint McElroy.

And

he's gonna tell us that we were wrong about the towels, and I'm gonna be like, fuck you, man.

You don't fucking remember.

I've heard how Justin talks to dad, v-the-v the ashes.

Thank you to Becca again for this kick-ass jacket.

It's uh, I feel very strong.

May I may I read the fear?

Yes, please.

This year, I want to be faster than my fear of the Pirates of the Caribbean animatronics.

I don't know why, but I'm worried they're gonna cut off my glutes.

But he's just a mcaroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

My brother, my brother, babe, kiss your dad square the lips.

It's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

It's better with my life.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better with you.

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