MBMBaM 769: The Good Time McElroy Hang Time

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's rift into a precious friendship

And could have never seen what was coming for me

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life

it feels love

It's better, it's better with you

My life

It's better, it's better with you

This is true

It's better with two.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome, my brother.

My brother me and Vice Show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your middlest brother, Travis Vroom Vroom McElroy.

What up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, built for Tough Grove and McElroy.

Hot out there today.

Little, it's a scorcher.

It's hot out there.

Real hot in Ohio.

In Ohio, it's hot.

And can I tell you, boys, boys, I looked up, why is it hot in Ohio?

And let me tell you, I'm.

Sorry, hold on.

Can we pause?

Because

when you look up the weather for a place you are, do you look up why it's hot in Ohio?

No, I looked up the weather and we're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave.

And I said, this is unnatural.

And can I tell you guys, because I pay attention to the capital T, capital S,

the science, but I pay attention to the science.

Yeah.

And I assume.

It was summer.

I mean, it's like summer had begun.

I assumed when I looked up why it was hot in Ohio, they would be like, is climate change, my dude?

But I looked it up

and it said there's a heat dome.

Okay.

And I thought about that and I thought, who watches The Watchmen?

Who's checking these meteorologists to be like, I I don't think that, just say you don't know.

Yeah, no, I mean,

I think an outspoken skepticism of the scientific community is exactly what those guys have fucking to women.

No, now I heard that

the big man in charge fired a bunch of all the good meteorologists, and he left only the ones that were truly loyal.

And

this motherfucker loves domes.

He's like always talking about them.

Maybe we just got like eight or nine meteorologists left that are like, I don't know, guys.

He's no MS gas.

It's like a bubble of hot.

it's like a big so right here i've drawn kind of a half circle and in there it's real hot so hot i don't know hot dome i simply can't get over it was a hot day

on the day of the summer solstice and you felt compelled to get on a search engine of some sort the day after west virginia day yeah yeah well summer was real hot no it wasn't just hot it was like a hundred degrees but you went but the jump the question your mind jumped to, when that happens to me, typically I'm like, oh, God, slushy me, baby, because I've got to go get a slushie to try and stay cool.

I don't think, I don't think, why is it hot?

I guess I have an inquisitive, curious mind that looks for answers and wants to know more about the world around him instead of just accepting that things are the way that they are and drinking a fucking slushy.

Okay.

Okay.

Time to judge you.

No, sorry.

You guys get to come at me for my beautiful, inquisitive mind, and I start questioning your slushy practices and all this, and I'm the bad guy.

It's just mine is practical in a way.

I don't need to know why it's hot.

I'm not going to.

Knowledge is power.

Knowledge is power.

No.

So you're going to go out in your

helicopter and smash this heat dome apart.

If you fly through the perimeter of it enough times, you'll bust it.

You'll bust that dome wide open.

I haven't even tried to go through it, Griffin.

I don't even know if it's permeable.

Can I give you guys this?

Knowledge is power, but curiosity is a burden.

That's good, you know what I mean?

Fuck, dude.

So you just have to wait for the knowledge to naturally flow into your face.

No, I'm just saying, like, let go of curiosity.

Yeah, because

sometimes you are curious and you don't get the knowledge from that.

And so

there is no power gained.

Here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to put together a team like the power, like the Planeteers, the Captain Planet Planeteers, where each of us has a specific but deep vein of knowledge about a thing.

Right.

We don't have to know everything.

I just need to know about like weather and they know about politics and they know about animals.

And together we'll compete on the trivia circuit.

You think you're talking about it.

You're talking about beat the geek.

Fuck, you're right.

Shit.

We got to stop inventing beat the geeks, guys.

Yeah.

It's a really good format.

No argument here.

It's really good.

It's just all roads lead back there at some point, you know?

Guys, I wanted to briefly apologize to you for being three to five minutes late for this recording.

Thank you.

And I was thinking about it

when I was trying to get up the nerve to get on the call.

Do you do that?

Well, I don't know.

I was just like doing no, I was just like doing, this is kind of what I wanted to talk about.

I was thinking about how I've been three to five minutes late for everything.

that we've ever done

professionally.

Yeah.

To an extent where like,

I mean, like, people usually have to say, like, are you coming to this or whatever?

And I, I was thinking about it when I was between three and five minutes late to this meeting.

And I was thinking that my suspicion is I want to explore with you guys if you haven't.

I would love to unpack this in the meeting.

Three to five minutes.

Yeah, absolutely.

No, okay.

My suspicion is that the problem may be me and not that there have been

an unbroken sequence of unavoidable events.

Three to five minute long inconvenience.

Three to five minute long events that have prohibited me or prevented me from joining calls at the appropriate time.

As I was between three and five minutes late for this call, for like completing my unbroken streak of like a decade and a half of being three to five minutes late for literally everything we've ever done.

Can I, Justin, may I?

Not to look at it.

Yeah, please, because like I, I am just now starting to worry.

You're 100%

correct.

What if it's me?

And if it's me, I need help on the outside it's not a sequence of events Justin because then the time would keep compiling what I would hypothesize is that a decade and a half ago some event occurred that set your calendar back three to five minutes

and since then

You have been three to five minutes behind on everything.

I'm glad that this is not tied to trauma.

I was really worried you're no, no, no, no.

At some point, something bad happened to me at 10.02, and I've just been like

trauma's not real.

What I'm saying is makes me a little bit.

No, trauma's made up to sell toys.

What I'm saying is

what a tweet.

No, what I'm saying is that 15 years ago, you paused too long

before doing the next thing you were supposed to do.

And now you're just fucked for the rest of your life.

You'll never make that up.

I consider myself, I think of myself as a considerate person.

Sure.

Writ large.

I like to think of myself as considerate.

And if I'm late to a thing that I'm driving to,

I'm very much on edge.

I really want to get there on time if I'm driving to it.

You're punctual in person, but when

in cyberspace, there's a little bit of maybe it's almost like

another bit of evidence that maybe I am the problem.

Because it doesn't seem this

like natural occurrence chaos effect thing that's keeping me from ever getting to anything between three and five minutes within the time, I think maybe is

because I, it doesn't affect me in the outside world, maybe it is an interior issue.

Are you using a VPN?

Because some people have an issue that takes you three to five minutes to get that can do it.

It can affect connection speed.

That's a high pay kind of thing.

Is it like time zones being a thing?

Maybe you're just in a slightly different time zone than us.

Yeah, it's rudeness standard time.

I think that you should try

being 10 minutes early to stuff for a while.

Can you guys even imagine how good that would feel to just be like chilling for 10 and you get to like really get yourself together?

I'm always the first person on the call.

Yeah, but are you 10?

This isn't about you.

This is about our constantly tardy brother.

So there's one of two things that's going to happen.

Yeah.

If I'm 10 minutes early to the call, thing one is I will turn it on, start the call, and I will obviously forget that I'm on the call.

Sure.

To give it

because I will start to think about if I still remember the names of all the presidents in order you know to go see if I do right so obviously that's or you'll look up why it's hot or something why it ain't got hot yeah so one of the two things gonna happen one I'm gonna close it and do something else that's been pretty consistent or two wait why would you close it and why is it open I mean why did I have it

obviously open you're making

because I will have the fleeting thought hmm desktop's getting messy better tidy up there's no I close everything and I go make a sandwich.

And there's no...

No, it's 10 minutes early.

This is not me saying that Justin would do something like this, but you can't leave a camera just on in your room because what if, like, what if a butt cheek comes out?

What if a notebook?

No, yeah.

Well, my bigger worry, Justin, would be that if you started being 10 minutes early, Griffin and I would then match it, right?

So then you'd have to be 10 minutes earlier so that you were still 10 minutes before the call.

And then Griffin and I would eventually match that as well as we fall into sync.

Yeah.

And eventually we're recording three days early.

You know, what I think is crazy is that you that I have noticed this, and you guys,

who it has been inconveniencing for 15 years, you guys have never noticed it.

That is what is most surprising about this conversation.

Oh, because I know, okay, I could search it when I brought it up.

I thought that would be a bit of recognition from you guys, like, oh, yeah, this is something we've noticed too, but like nothing.

So I'm actually, maybe it's not an issue.

Is it possible that I got a filter text messages?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I'm

If I search mine and Travis's private text message thread, if I just search the phrase, is it getting worse?

Do you have any idea how many times this exact conversation would have been?

The good news is no.

It's just between three to five minutes.

It's very consistent, actually.

I also appreciate that.

I appreciate the consistent tardiness because it gives me time to be like, I've logged on.

It's 9.58.

I'm two minutes early.

I know I have eight minutes to turn on the Steam Deck, check in, see how things are going with my digital dudes before Jessica gets on.

Yeah.

Okay,

let me ask this.

It's like an airlock.

Oh, folks.

I'm thinking through some stuff now because I'm starting to detect some light sarcasm that makes you think that you have noticed that I've been three to five minutes late for everyone.

What?

No.

How many times would I need to

be a good boy on time for us to forget?

Yeah, how many times before our wig is positive?

One Travis.

I feel like we've all been very constructive.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

You know what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I felt this.

Yeah, that was an erosion of trust.

Griffin has at least been able to maintain a veneer.

Okay, and I need you at least shoot for veneer, okay?

Okay, a Greg veneer.

Now,

it's just that I'm still your older brother.

You know what I mean?

There's a respect.

You're right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a respect there.

I've always thought it was a dominance play, by the way, to be three to five minutes late as the king enters the room and everything.

That's what worries me.

That is what worries me, Trev.

That is the secret that's keeping the stars apart is I am worried about that.

And I don't want it to be that, but there is a 70% chance.

I mean, I think

it's a power play thing.

I think I know the folds of your mind as well as my own at this point.

And I do think that imagine you have a button on your desk that says begin work on it.

You're not going to spring to press that button.

You're going to look at it and be like,

not quite yet.

Got to watch.

there's a trailer for Megan 2.0.

I got to just, real quick,

is it a new one?

Oh, fuck.

Let's

tease me.

I can't wait for that queen to slay.

Are you saying that I'm a procrastinator by nature, Griffin?

Yeah.

Hey, babe, hey, babe, babe, hey, babe.

Yeah.

We've all had a lot of fun here today, but we should be careful, you know?

There's a lot of glass.

There's a lot of glass around all of our homes, I think.

Oh, okay.

In this neighborhood.

It's a weird move to invite sort of constructive criticism and then trying to keep the rails on.

Hey, Griffin, watch it, man.

Hey, Griff.

I'm just trying to keep the rails on.

Because if it gets nasty,

no one wants it to get nasty.

The thing about construction is if you build a set of stairs, it goes both ways.

You know what I mean?

Think about it.

Griffin has been messing up, too.

Thank you, Travis.

Everyone else

so early.

When I say middlest, I don't just mean I'm the middle of the three brothers.

I mean I've been keeping it average as long as possible.

Fully understanding.

what if I did start to be kind of the on time brother?

How long do you think it would need to take before, because I, this is my thinking, is I don't know if I can't.

10,000 hours.

The problem is me.

How many three to five minutes does it take to make 10,000 hours of being on time?

That's the worst problem.

That's the worst part about realizing that you're the problem.

Yeah.

Is that I'm the only me I got.

You know, where do I go from there?

Yeah.

I don't have a backup on.

If the problem's me, I'm all at options.

This is what we learned from the Michael Keaton movie multiplicity you know what i mean yes yeah that let him highlight and isolate his

his faults he could really see them in those guys exactly

so anyways thanks that's another great episode thanks everybody so much for us for brother closing the only macro brother therapy podcast out there in closing i will work on it thank you so much that's all we can ask Try to get it to two to three minutes.

You can ask.

If you can shave it down to two to three minutes, now we're talking, that's 15, 16 hours a year.

That's negligible at that point.

That's not even like late.

If you're two minutes late to something, that's just a difference in clocks or whatever.

You know what I mean?

Guys, I've become very self-conscious about how nasty and dirty my boom, my

yeah, you're doing some ASMR there with tweezers.

I was saying, I just realized I was trying to discreetly pluck some of the yucky fuzz and gunk off of my mic cover.

Yeah.

And I just, for the record, just because we did just post the TikTok of you chiding me for playing with my

stress-relieving donut, I will say that you.

That's nice, though, isn't it?

Griffin, just like you can.

No, imagine this is the part of your brain.

I managed to not mention it for the record.

You did great.

The mic is your brain juice and the fuzz is the thing inside of you that is so wrong that makes you be thoughtless and late.

And I just take that energy and I...

Pluck it on out and now it's good.

Hey Griffin, if you could zoom in on that like a million times so I could see like the fibers going, that's a great TikTok for me.

I don't want to show, here's the thing.

I don't want to show the business end of the mic because it has some lip stuff on it that I am not proud of.

What are you doing over there?

Why are both of you monsters?

I'm frantic.

Why thoughtless?

And late.

Like, I thought, you know what I mean?

Like, it's not thoughtless because I've been thinking about it.

Thoughtless was too much.

Thoughtless was too much.

It's too much.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's keep the respect.

You're way older.

How am I doing?

You're way older than me.

So the respect is way older even.

If we're doing a quick check-in, how am I doing?

Travis, you're crushing, man.

Fucking slapping ass hat of your power.

This is the beautiful thing.

Always give 70%.

And then when you give 80%, people are like, whoa, dude.

I've been keeping my jokes so bad so that when I do an okay one, people lose it.

Yeah.

And hey, before you send a bunch of helpful tips of how I can get to things on time, I'm doing fine.

It's all going good.

We're not going to get it.

We all have a great gift tip.

We accept our little quirks.

It's all good.

We need to have a podcast where the three of us just hang and fucking juice each other up just so some of the backseat family dynamic observation, people be like, yeah, but on the Good Time McLoy hang time, you can tell that they're still fucking

carrying and chilling and hanging.

I thought that's what this was.

You thought this was the chill vibe McRoy hang time?

I don't have these kinds of conversations with people I don't care for.

That's a good idea.

Fair, dude.

That's fucking.

You know what I mean?

I don't have check-ins on my own behavior.

I don't think about my own behavior with them.

They're lucky a little bit of the sparkle landed on their shoulder.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, for sure, dude.

I mean, yeah, you guys are the only ones I care about judging me.

To me, it was a Tuesday.

But more people need to watch the Street Fighter movie, by the way, because that's like 90% of our dialogue.

Yeah.

And I need you guys to see that in Bison C.

I work at an equine vet, and though it's not part of my normal work routine, I'm often asked to make a trip to the the post office and shipping store.

Whenever this happens, I'm usually also asked to stop by the bank and get change for our cash box at the front desk.

ScibenefitStamps.com, nobody tells you about.

If you're not going to do that errand, people don't give you other errands.

That's true.

Think about it.

I pull up to the window and I hand the teller an envelope with the money and a little sticky note with the type of change that we need.

Usually, while they're counting it, they do it right next to a giant basket of lollipop.

Brother, how do I explain to the teller that I want one of these lollipops?

Is it weird for a 27-year-old conducting business and exchanging change to want a free lollipop?

That's from Suckerless Sucker in the South.

I do feel like, as long as we're in like a helpful criticism mode, a lot of the preamble of this question was a bit extraneous.

It felt a little bit like you just wanted to brag about the fact that you get to touch horses morning, noon, and night.

So I just assume that they were telling us that because they ride up to the bank on a horse.

Okay.

That was

probably not because you can't stop a horse from just shredding one of those lollipops.

I will buckets.

I'll also tell you this: man, if I saw, if I'm working at a bank, someone rolls up on a horse, yeah, hands me an envelope with a note on it before I even look at the note.

I assume I'm being held up by an old time,

yeah, for sure.

Man,

handing any teller a note is such a risky move.

Yeah, sure, of course, you can have a lollipop, yeah.

I think, I think it's important to start seeing seeing these things not as you sort of like indulging yourself because no one is going to look at you as the person you are and think, oh, there they go again, having a delicious lollipop.

What they're going to think is, thank you for giving us all permission to enjoy this delicious treat.

It's just, there's a big bowl of lollipops that rules.

And if you can look at that and enjoy the opportunity, the fact that you're already in the mind space of like, ooh, lollipops are delicious.

I'd love to enjoy one.

You're, you're so close.

Just take that next step and grab I would also, I would also pass it on.

I would also say that who do you think the lollipops are there for?

Business children?

Who are there to hey Griffin?

That's actually a pretty good point.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, no, I feel kids aren't allowed in banks.

No.

Steal all the money and get chocolate.

These little sugar discs are good for me.

Do you understand?

I thought you were talking about kids for a second.

No, I'm talking about lollipops.

These sugar discs come on a stick.

They deliver a good taste to my mouth that makes my brain chill for a little bit.

The ones at my bank are THC.

Like, they're not for sugar.

Regardless, even without that good green herb, if it's just a sugar disc that makes my brain release stuff that makes me feel good, oh, that's medicine now.

So you don't get much more grown up than that.

Now, there is a bit of a social construct that you need to do here.

Where you give kind of a chuckle and like a, oh,

as you take one.

No, right?

That's what I you give it a.

no way, not a not a giggle, but like a hoe, uh, just a little, not that big, obviously.

I'm showcasing to the people at home there's an audio medium, yeah, but a little bit of a don't mind if I do kind of momentum, a little decadence.

No, I feel like you grab a whole handful of them and you throw them in your plastic

jack-o'-lantern bucket that you brought with you.

If you brought the McDonald's jack-o'-lantern bucket, you grab a fistful of lollipops.

You do need to put a little bit of English on the ball.

You do need to give it a little bit of

special something for later.

But if you're just taking, if you're just, I am not a confident man.

I do not carry myself with confidence, generally speaking.

The confidence that I have when I reach into a lollipop bucket at a host stand at a restaurant or a bank teller window or whatever is so complete and so thorough because there is no other way I will be allowed to grab a lollipop.

There is no way for the first one.

What's that?

Do you grab the first one you touch or do you rifle for the perfect flavor?

I grab the first one I touch.

I do it in a a manner that suggests like this is this is how a grown-up eats a sugar disc.

And

it's the only place in which I feel confident that I can do that.

Because if I if I hedge even a little bit, then all of a sudden it's fucking weird that I'm eating a lollipop and I'm 38 years old.

I just worry that I couldn't eat it in a non-seductive way.

The teller is going to get the wrong impression.

I don't know how to eat a lollipop in front of someone else that's not going to arouse the person.

Yeah, fair.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't know how to turn that off.

I'm just worried that I'll grab the first one.

I'm like a young Sherilyn Finn.

I don't, I don't know how to turn the sexuality.

Yeah.

I don't know how to dim my own sexuality.

Exactly.

I'm worried that I'll grab the first one I touch, pop it in, and then go like, ooh, butterscotch, ooh, take it away, ooh, and hold it out between my fingers

until they hold it in the trash can and they hold out their hand and they take it.

And then I'll start crying until I find like a blue raspberry and then I feel better.

And they then just start handing me money to try to get me to stop crying.

And it's the perfect heist.

At the kids' barber shop where I take my kids to get their hair cut, they give you out a lollipop and a balloon when you're done.

And a lot of the times one of my two boys, my precious angels, do not want the lollipop.

They only want the balloon.

But

you know who does want that lollipop.

Daddy like you.

Daddy does like his medicine.

And so I will take one.

I'll be like, if I don't take it, he's just going to lose it in the car later.

And then we walk outside and then how many licks?

One, two three and i'm crunched okay you go up to your bank they have a basket of candy okay what is the candy that would be in the basket and i'm talking about a typical basket candy like don't put full-size wetch macaulas in there you know like a typical basket candy what is the candy that's in the basket where you are absolutely 100 stone cold definitely gonna get one no question i mean This is more of a restaurant thing, but Andy's mints, those are made exclusively for grown-ups.

No child is going to eat those.

Those are for us.

so that's a wonderful thing.

I feel like you've been trying to get chupa choops into an adult brand.

I feel you've been trying to give them more of an adult spin, like it's something like Kojak has, you know.

Yeah, no,

yeah, it's a more refined flavor palette.

It is a chupa choop is a lollipop for someone, for a lollipop enthusiast.

I, I do, I do love a chupa choop.

You know, the one that I'm always going to get, guys.

What's that, juice?

That strawberry with the goo in some.

The gooey berry.

Yeah.

I love

a delicious strawberry bonbon, especially when it's freshly made, at least within the last 20 years, and the goop is still goopy.

Oh, they actually haven't made any of those since 1971, and so there are no under-20s.

They're waiting for the support of the

when I pop one of those strawberry bonbons into my mouth and I feel those little prickly ridges dance across my tongue.

I think, oh, yeah, daddy's having a break now.

Yeah.

You're supposed to take the plastic off, Justin, by the way.

Daddy's having a break.

I don't don't even know that I enjoy them but I'm just compelled to take the little crumbly peppermint kind of like pillows that come with not like those are the worst those are worse yeah but every time I see one I went okay well yeah

I like the way they crumble in your mouth you can't tell how old they are like peppermint chalk it's wonderful

like the little journal like the little the little mint the little mints you get a spoonful of you know what I mean the after-dinner mints the pastel colors what else do you guys like you like Jordan almonds what if they just had loose Skittles?

Just loose Skittles.

You reach in and grab a paw.

Nothing loose.

And then if you take the golden Skittle, then they give you $100 from the just enjoy it.

If you're not enjoying your lollipop, what are you doing?

Yeah.

That's the whole point.

It's to enjoy those.

Over the last winter, a new Bodega recently opened up near me.

I started going there regularly for my coffee as it's near my apartment and dog-friendly.

So I go with my pup on a morning walk.

I go often enough that the guy who works there sees me coming through the window, has my order prepared as I walk in.

Large hot coffee with a splash of skim milk.

Man, that's cool.

Yeah, I've always wanted that.

I want to be a regular somewhere.

I know, I know.

The problem with living in a non-walkable city is like I'd have to trouble

five minutes away.

The problem is now that it's summer, the weather's getting hot, I want to make my annual switch from hot coffee to iced coffee.

But when I get to the counter, this nice man has already got my hot coffee ready and waiting for me.

How do I casually mention to him that I do not want the coffee he has already prepared for me, and I'd like him him to throw it out and make me a new drink instead.

That's from Too Hot to Handle.

So, this is

one of those things where it's like on paper.

Like, if an alien analyzed this and had no sense of human behavior, they'd be like, This is a conversation you only have to have once a season.

Like, what?

Why?

It's extremely difficult.

But it's like, no, no, no, there's so much momentum built up behind it.

That's why I have to be aware of that.

Like, when we talk about becoming a regular, right?

There's a level of trust.

I don't want to be.

Hey, guys, maybe I don't want to be.

There's a level of trust and pride there.

Yeah.

Where the person is like, every time I see them coming and I know what they want and I do it, that's a building block in a relationship.

And it takes so little.

So the answer, I think, is this is a situation.

The good news is you can remedy this with one good go, with one good one, where you can give them the heads up.

I want it iced.

Please don't waste the coffee.

And then for the rest of the summer, iced until I say otherwise.

um so all you got to do is not let them see you you're gonna need to create

yeah

maybe you skitch on the back of a garbage truck and then you just kind of like smash in through the front door as quick as you can and just go ice

um before they can before they can well don't actually now that i'm thinking about it wicked yeah wicked definitely super duper super duper duper super duper duper do not do it i just don't do what griffin under no circumstances do what i just the sketching sketching part, you can do that.

The sketching part kicks ass, but you're going to want to bust in and you're going to want to be very explicit and say, hey,

stop.

Stop before you do that.

And then you explain what your actual.

What if you go in disguise?

Cool.

Let's go.

Sketch in.

Skitch in there like an old grandma.

The sketching introduced a legal aspect of it.

Okay, safely skitch with all the proper safety equipment like an old grandma.

And then

you walk in or skitch in maybe you can keep the momentum if you skitch into the bodega the driver's got some splaining to do no you wait till they take a turn and you like you would slingshot around the moon to get to mars faster yeah yeah right so then you launch in and you're like oh it's me iced coffee yeah that's that could work oh you know what this is where curiosity comes in you come in and go oh not for me today didn't you hear about the heat dome it also helps helps if you know their name.

Right.

They've already made it.

They've already made it.

They did already make it.

But now, by introducing, and I'm sorry to say this for a second question, a bit of a chuckle, you make it seem like an inside joke between you and the bodega runner, where you're like, oh, I know I normally would, but extreme circumstances have broken my spirit and I simply cannot do hot coffee.

This is neither a breaking of our trust nor our routine together.

But in fact, the universe has conspired to make it too hot for me to have this coffee.

But you're going to do all of that in one brief chuckle and shrug.

Oh, wish I could.

That is one of the most insane things you've said this year.

That's history will prove that.

That's good.

This year, that's reasonable.

What is like

that?

Well, I thought Griffin was about to say of all time.

Oh, and then Griffin put the thing of this year.

And I think, like, I'm thinking about some of the crazier shit that you've said this year.

And it's like.

It's just that your suggestion was breaking in the top three.

Your suggestion to this inconvenient social situation is to let them make the coffee wasting coffee which is like objective number one i feel like we could probably sidestep that and then smash in through the door traveling at 65 miles an hour post skitch slingshot and say ha ha ha ha non-negotiable say to this

basically stranger, ha ha ha ha, dump that out because the universe has made it too hot for me.

Yeah, I think what we were saying there is Travis started trying to give a good idea.

Yeah, he is.

Realized halfway through that it was a bad idea and then tried to convert it into a joke.

Yeah.

To hide.

None of that was a joke.

None of it was an extremely bad idea.

None of that was a joke.

What I'm saying is it's not a stranger.

Oh, no, no, I know, no, no.

I know it wasn't a joke.

That part is clear.

Hear me out.

It's not a stranger.

You've been building this regular type of relationship.

Now you're feeling like the social anxiety of having to say, oh, actually, I didn't want hot coffee.

If you play it like you're uncomfortable telling them that, that's where the erosion of that building relationship goes.

If you say it like it's an inside joke, right?

It's go, oh, I normally would.

You're right, but a little too hot today.

Let's try ice this time.

Right now, it's

building the relationship.

You've lost the game.

They dump it out.

They waste the coffee.

You've lost the game.

There's only one way to correct this when you go in tomorrow.

They lose the milk.

Let's be clear.

Sorry.

The coffee is batch made.

Who cares about throwing out coffee?

It's the milk that's the problem.

They're wasting milk.

That's the problem.

sorry go on in this economy we sh what if when you go in tomorrow you say oh it's a hot one out here can you throw a couple ice cubes in there yes and then tomorrow you say ah it's still a hot one can you double the amount of ice cubes from yesterday yeah and then they're like well that's not too much and then it's four And then you go in tomorrow and you say, it's a hot one out there.

Can you double the amount of ice cubes from yesterday?

Yeah.

And that doesn't sound that crazy, but now it's eight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

16.

Within two two weeks, I remember from

that becomes your regular order, though, Justin.

You just keep doubling.

But within two weeks, you're going to be ordering like

pounds of ice.

Like, because you're doubling it.

You're going to send you five gallon buckets of ice.

You're going to eventually be pulling a U-Haul up.

Just be like, load this bitch with ice.

Because

I got two U-Hauls coming tomorrow.

You know what I mean?

Eventually, you're going to have some sort of side business.

And then you sell the ice back to them.

Money.

Boom.

Wait.

Is that what we're talking about?

Spill it.

You.

Sorry.

You spill it.

You spill it outside.

Don't make a mess.

You take it outside.

You say, ah, and you spill it on the ground.

And then you go in.

You say,

dang it.

You say, dang it.

I spilled it outside.

I'll have another one, please.

Iced if you dare.

I know it's going to be uncomfortable, but if you do spill the whole thing on yourself, I think you have one get out of jail freight card where you could be like, you know what?

From now on let's try too hot burn tummy

my skin burns

travis no this is maybe a real trauma you can like burn yourself first one well yeah

you just go in with your coffee say i can't deal with a hot coffee anymore yeah it's too much

because i could sue you like the like that lady at mcdonald's did and you'd be fucking ruined

justified by

the broken then when we hit like September 20th you'd be like I think I'm ready to try again yeah I've been I've been good my therapist I've been processing a lot my therapist thinks that I should try it again give me two hot coffees but then but then it gets hot again it was a fake thing and you said it was too soon I wasn't ready

What were you going to say, Griffin?

I want to hear your version too.

You take two hot coffees in your hand, say, I'm going to run laps around the store, come back.

You're going to see, man, not a drop, not a drop.

I'm ready.

Give me.

I'm ready.

Ready for the big show.

I like that the trauma in Griffin's mind isn't the spilling hot coffee on oneself.

It's simply the spilling.

I'm sorry.

I'm so bad about spilling.

I found a fucking beautiful, narrow shaft of sunlight, which was you just are going to have to buy two coffees once and tell them you want the other one iced and then you're good to go for the rest of your life.

And that was a beautiful and flawless solution.

And you guys were like, burn your chest and genitals as bad as you possibly can with this scorching, scalding gun.

It's not a solution show.

It's a comedy show.

The next time you go in, you tell him that from now on, you're subletting your apartment to your twin brother, who looks exactly like you, except prefers his coffee iced.

Leigh, look out for the ice man.

Hey, for real, though, he's my twin brother.

He likes it cold.

He'll be here for this summer, but the second the thermometer, he's like the heat miser, the second the temperature drops below 80 degrees, he's leaving and I'll be back and I'll have an eye patch this time.

Cool, huh?

Anyways, see you then.

His name's my name, too.

Important to note.

Spelled differently, but don't worry about that.

You know who else will be back, Travis?

Who?

Us.

Right after this.

Zock Doc.

Feels good to say, doesn't it?

Say it, Justin.

Zock Doc.

Oh, yeah.

i use zock doc okay i'll tell you that i found zock doc to find a dentist well what is zock doc well zock doc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment you did a dentist you say you found a dentist

It's a dentist.

You know what?

It's really hard to find

a dentist or a doctor.

It's annoying.

You never know the right person to call.

You never know where to start.

ZockToc made it really easy.

They just said, hey, here's some dentists.

Just pick one.

Your interest takes them.

Go.

Yeah, like they're holding on a deck of like a magician.

They hold out a deck of cards.

They say, Pick a card.

And you pick it.

And they say, That's your dentist.

And you say, What?

I saw these are cards.

And then you look and you're holding a dentist.

And that's the magic trick that Zock Doc performs for you.

Preventative care is really important.

And if you're putting it off because it's tough and it's irritating, Zock Doc

can make that a lot easier.

So stop putting off those doctors' appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash my brother to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

That's z-ocdoc.com slash my brother.

Z-O-C-D-O-T com slash my brother.

ZocDoc.

I just spelled D-O-T.

ZocDoc.com slash my brother.

Justin, tell me about your kitty.

I'm going to tell you boys about my cats, Olive and Amelia.

Every morning they wake up and they start being real friendly.

You know why?

Because they are ready for their Smooth Bird.

Wait, are you?

Wait.

They're ready for Smooth Bird or Smooth Other Bird, but they'll also take Smooth Cow if you have it.

Those are just a few of the literal names of the great flavors of Small's cat food.

For the record, my

picky ladies love Smooth Other Bird.

That's a great place to start.

They're these pre-packaged packets of food full of really good stuff that is, I will, I will tell you this, my cats, since they I made the switch from dry food to smalls, they have been healthier according to their veterinarian.

Their coats look better, anecdotal, but that's been my experience.

And they love it.

And it's really easy to just open one of these individual packets.

They arrive fresh.

You put it in your fridge.

They're ready to go.

Last time I came in town to visit Juice, they did not piss on all my stuff.

And I can't help but wonder if that's related to their improved diet thanks to smalls.

They do.

Their diets have improved.

Their energy has improved.

We really genuinely love smalls.

We are paying customers with smalls.

It's been forever eaten.

I have never eaten it.

No.

One time we did, before we figured out exactly how much smalls we needed, we ran out and the cats were furious.

They started, they demanded that I go out and smooth up the birds myself.

And I told them, I don't know how to smooth up the birds.

Only Smalls knows how to smooth them up the way you like.

And trust me, you don't want to search like how to smooth up birds on YouTube.

It'll fuck your algorithm up so bad.

Don't smooth up your own birds.

Reach for smalls.

Reach for the smalls.

Reach for the smalls for a limited time because you're a brother, my brother, me listener.

You can get 60% off your first order of smalls plus free shipping by using code MyBrother.

That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com and use promo code MyBrother.

Again, that's promo code MyBrother for 60% off your first order plus free shipping at smalls.com.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Should we do another question?

I'd love to.

Yeah.

I'm at the Home Depot to buy two ladders.

It feels insane to just have two ladders in my cart with nothing else.

How do I not look like a fool walking out of this store pushing a two ladder full cart?

That's from ladders too

too many in DC.

Just get one big long ladder.

I get two ladders.

What a waste of time.

You can fucking get one ladder.

Get one bigger ladder.

One ladder and then later one ladder.

There's so many fucking ways around this, my man.

I think that ladder store, there should just be ladder stores that exclusively sell ladders.

You can't buy them anywhere else.

And the aisles are gigantic.

So you could turn your cart around.

No, like there's exclusive power.

Every time I have had to buy ladders multiple times in my life from working in a technical theater.

And every time you get a ladder, you feel like you've instantly been launched into a three stooges bid where it's like, well, I'm going to be destroying this place and everyone around me for the next 15 minutes.

Give me a fucking 12-foot deep turbo cart so I don't have to look like an asshole in the aisles of the home depot.

I,

I, if you don't have a big ladder right now, yeah,

I would say it's time to start thrifting and it's time to get out there to the yard sales.

And it's time because the thing, one of the things that really changed my life was about how many years, about 15 years ago, right when I started being late for everything.

Wait a minute.

It's not related.

Okay.

Let us

say it's related.

No, no, no.

Because this is probably like seven years ago.

I was, I was

living at that place on, on, remember, the place I used to live before this one, and my principal from elementary school, Miss Scott, lived behind me.

Oh, shit.

I didn't know that.

I know, it's crazy, right?

But she should have let me know.

I throws all like stinky old watermelons and fucking egg, nasty Halloween eggs.

No, she was nice.

I love Miss Scott.

She was incredible.

You got her, Brett.

You got her as the principal.

She's an inspirational educator, man.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, but

it's the principal of the thing.

No, anyway.

Oh, actually,

Griffin convinced me with that one.

She she came up to my house and she said, Justin, uh, do you I got a new ladder.

Do you want my old ladder?

And it was a really big ladder.

It was a really tall ladder.

So you're saying her new ladder was a step up?

Shit, man.

These things really write themselves.

Yeah, it looks really good.

And I was like, it's a really big ladder.

At first, I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do with this, but like.

Once you have a big ladder, you have really changed your options as a human being.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of people expanded the

different applications, different territories that you have available to you as a person.

You know what I mean?

I assume it's how we got to powered flight, right?

Is that at a certain point, the ladders can only get so high.

And then we went, all right, so how do we get above that?

Yeah.

Let's put like a hundred years into figuring out planes.

I just feel like there's certain things that you can get that make you start thinking of yourself in different ways.

And a big ladder is one of them.

Yes.

Because you do, you are suddenly the kind of person that's just like, well, it's really high, but I know I can call Justin about that because he does have a big ladder.

He can get up there.

It's like having a pickup truck.

Right.

Where it's like suddenly you've entered into a new category and you're free.

And

you're useful now as a human being.

Yeah, I felt that I had to buy for this, for the prom that we just wrapped up thank you by the way to everybody who came out and and saw the show and said hi uh and some people travel a long distance so thank you uh but i had to get a pair of really big

like thick bolt cutting oh yeah

i gotta say

and and then after i bought it i was like you know

now

fences yes aren't really anything a problem for me anymore.

Like, if I ran into a fence, I would momentarily be like, someone wants to keep me out of here.

But then I would think about, I actually have a ladder and bolt cutters.

So like anywhere is available.

Chainsaw.

Chainsaw did that for me.

I look at trees now and I'm like, you think you're so funny?

Temporary.

Temporary problem.

I'm the guy on my hill that cuts the trees in half when they fall across the road.

I got to chainsaw.

When you're walking through the aisles of the Lows, it's like you were in a Metroidvania, only all the shit is just kind of like right there.

And you can grab it and access any of the any of the sort of backtracking spots that you need to in one day.

The number of of times I've just stopped and longingly stared in like the big sledgehammer or like hatchet section, and I'm like, I don't have any need for those, but how powerful would I feel knowing that I have a big, powerful hatchet?

It's why, it's where you have to be careful, and it is why,

if I may speak on it, please.

It is why a submarine is such a threat for rich man.

Because the thing is,

you decide you deserve to be in water, and

you desire to move through the water unabated.

You desire to increase your skill set to can plumb the depths.

Right.

And I understand it.

You want to have

full coverage.

Like, I get it, rich man.

I don't have to be that rich.

Don't get me wrong.

You got to be rich.

But to have a private plane, you got to be super rich to have a private submarine.

Super rich.

Yeah.

And I do think there's a certain amount of wealth that should be considered a mental illness.

For sure.

Right.

Obviously, if you're rich and you're investing in, say, your own private submarine.

Right.

It should be considered.

It's also, though,

if you do it in a certain way, an incredibly philanthropic exercise because you're going to give all your money away.

Technically speaking, technically legally speaking.

To your dirtbag kids.

But listen, the thing is,

I understand when I go to the top of house with ladder and I think, here I am.

I'm above house.

Cool.

I understand this.

I understand the fury of looking into ground and thinking, I wish to go deeper.

Yeah, but you can't.

I don't have tools available to you.

No, I wish I had big drill or something.

I wish I could have big drill.

I understand Oak Island.

They wish to go down.

They wish to go down.

Go up?

Easy.

Go down.

Sideways.

Anyone could go sideways.

Anyone could go sideways.

Give me up, give me down.

Balloon boy goes up.

Go up.

I tell you what, all I need, what I know is I love the idea of a submersible, but all I really need is like the old Disney World 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea rine, where I just need to be convinced under the water for i just need to be convinced i've gone into a deep sea submersible and then i can see animatronic fish and occupy this that's what you need you got to remember because this is a bad monkey part of your brain that's telling you you need to go down because it's easily tricked you can sit that's 20 000 leagues drive and just fold your arms think yes i am oh dude glass bottom boat i'm in the ocean i am king of ocean glass bottom boat and my monkey voice like fucking chills i am moving in a chamber for now let me sleep in a chamber for four hours and tell me i'm decompressing as I move deep down, but really I've just gone below some gross, green, murky water.

Yeah, and then I see maybe someone in a mermaid costume swimming around.

That's why it's so easy to trick people into thinking they've been cryogenically frozen.

Yeah, because that means they've traveled through time and they think, ah, yes, just as it should be.

I've mastered the waves of time.

I've traveled through them.

Travis mentioning the origins of flight made me think of there's here at the Air and Space Museum,

there is a section that is dedicated to, obviously, the Wright brothers and them sort getting that thing up and off the ground, no pun intended.

And there's also a section in there that is full of people who, I guess, were sort of self-styled comedians at the time, coming up with their own fanciful designs.

Prop comedians, literally.

Yeah, quite, yeah, again, propeller comedians.

A lot of puns this episode.

I do want to apologize on behalf of all three of us, but it's comedians and it's designs of their like fucking bullshit Red Bull

flight contest.

Like, oh sure you want to fly here's one it's got 20 birds tied to it thinking these assholes are trying to come up with something that will never happen and they're just trying to rip everyone off and then all of a sudden the Wright brothers did eventually get it right they these people should have their own wing of the museum that's like the world's biggest dumbest assholes wing

of the comedians who said it would never happen I'm saying they don't go hard enough on these people.

Wait, on the people who didn't believe in the Wright brothers?

The comedians who were shooting their shot at the Wright Brothers thinking this is easy comedy because these assholes are trying to fly and the Bible says we cannot do that.

But then

the wrong brothers and it's every year no longer allowed to joke about people who are more important and will have a bigger impact on history than us.

The Macworld brothers are going to find themselves out of work pretty quickly.

Well, that's like we let history do that, Justin.

You don't have to like in our lifetime, we won't know what a huge failure is.

We're writing history.

We also understand We're writing history.

We're living history.

We also hedge our bets quite a bit when it comes to new technologies and the exciting applications of those technologies.

We are.

We do not judge.

We wait to see who is, when the dust settles.

Where the money is.

Where the money is at.

There's one thing the McGroy brothers are into, and it's getting fucking paid.

Getting paid

by

tech.

By tech.

By big pharma.

Big pharma.

Big Pharma.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

What the fuck's going on, man?

Yeah, exactly.

That's exactly where I want your head to be at.

Oh.

Pizza Hut unveils a new lineup of over-the-top pizzas.

And like the movie with arm wrestling?

So they're not really that funny.

That's just what they're calling their lovers' pizzas, like pepperoni lovers, meat lovers, veggie lovers.

I got a new one.

Meat.

Toppers.

So this is really one I want to talk about.

I'm glad that I got Griffin.

I got a little cheeky little smirk.

I got a Griffin on meat toppers.

A little cheeky.

Pizza Hut is hooking up.

pizza lovers with more of what they love this summer with the launch of the hut lovers pizzas a limited time lineup of four over-the-top pizzas each piled high with premium toppings priced at 12.99 for one large pizza good the pizza has delivered more of what fans love more toppings more flavor more good times times for less.

Stinky dusty.

Hutt lovers pizzas are here to prove that legendary pizza doesn't have to come with a large price tag.

There's something for everyone in the hut lovers pizzas, including.

I'm sorry to interrupt, Justin.

I never do that, but you know how oftentimes people will talk about the words that like ick them out.

Yeah, yeah.

There's something about lover in a non-romantic context

that really just skeves me.

You're in for rough.

You're in for a rough feeling.

There's something for everyone with the hut lovers pizza, including pineapple lovers.

According to Pizza Hut's 2025 Pizza Trends report, 38%

of pizza fans proudly chose pineapple as their favorite topping.

Yeah.

This is

a loud 30%

as their favorite.

Okay, but Justin, you've got to think about like survivorship bias.

You've got to think about these, but this is the problem.

Everybody reads polls and they get the data and they think this means something huge.

This means something.

We're falling apart.

I felt so good about this country lately.

And this is like really starting to fuck with what you're like.

Was that exclusively the US of A because it's probably.

Yeah, this country that we live in.

This is the best thing.

That's spite.

That's people fucking with Pizza Hut.

I feel like it's people trying to ruin data.

We can't have any truth anymore.

And this is where you're drawing the...

the, this is what, this is the Lime Mustang.

38.

Yeah, no.

But imagine.

Over a third of people say pineapple is their favorite.

Imagine you're a you and you get an email from Pizza Hut that says, hey, we'd like you to participate in a brief survey.

You're not opening that email.

But if you're one of these pineapples guys

and you think like, I got to find ways to push the, push the envelope, push the cause, you're going to jump at every opportunity you can to overrepresent yourself.

I also am just going to just preempt.

If you're like sitting down right now to email us about how great pineapple is and how you love pineapple pizza, that's fine.

You're allowed to like that.

But you must recognize that you are not in a 38%

section of the country that thinks that.

That's what should trouble you more is you're losing a little bit of like, there's one thing that people who like pineapple on pizza love to talk about, and it's pineapple on pizza.

They go out for it because they're so iconoclastic.

They actually so hard.

They actually, so actually, I like pineapple and pizza so hard.

They let the conversation go on for like 10 minutes about how bad pineapple and pizza is as they sit there just charging up to go.

Actually,

but the reason I wanted to have the reason I'm floating is like, I feel like I am no longer in touch because as we've been with more adults ordering pizza, like as we've started to order pizza at shows, I've noticed that like Griffin gets cheese pizzas at the shows.

And it's, he's still done it even though I've razzed him about it previously apparently on shows and he keeps doing it just and I don't know what I can do to how am I doing on pizza toppings and stuff just check in as long as I'm absolutely so wretched that there's no hope I keep hoping I could prod Griffin into tossing the pepperoni on there as the I have sausage onion and pepper what are you talking about no no you're you're no no Travis I'm sorry You're perfect.

Thank you.

You don't need to change anything.

Sausage, pepper, and onion is the best.

sausage pepperoni onion and pepper is also quite good how much shit do you fucking need on your food pizza has so much veggies pizza has so much shit on it already it's got cheese and sauce and bread and spices and

i guess that's so you're you take a monastic approach to pizza is what you're saying where you say this is all i need more than this would be too much

if you sat down to make a pizza first of all stand up don't sit down to make a pizza that's That's crazy.

Why are you making pizza on the floor, man?

But if you're making a pizza, that's where my pizza stone is.

The part where you make the pizza is going to take you 96% of the time you're going to spend making that pizza.

The 4% remainder is when you slop a few fucking discs of hog meat on there.

And then you say, and then you say, like, this is the, this is what it's all really about.

I'm so confused what you're pointing out.

This is like even wilder than some of the wilder things that Travis is saying.

Thank you, Griffin.

You are so gone.

You're so gone.

He's like, yeah, making bread.

Like, what is it?

It's a lot more work than making a sandwich, but you don't just eat the fucking bread.

Yeah, it's like part of the experience.

I don't want to talk about cheese pizza, though.

It's fine.

I want to ask you guys this.

How many people's pizza orders do you know right now by heart?

Cheese, cheese, cheese.

This house is a, as for me, and just a cheese house?

That's for me.

I can understand for the simplicity.

I know my children like cheese because they're children.

Teresa and I both like sausage, onion, and and pepper.

Griffin likes cheese.

Yeah.

And Rachel Jacobs, our editor, likes pizza with veggies on it.

That's all I've got.

Top of my mind.

I know.

Okay.

Cooper likes sauce and sausage, no cheese.

Charlie likes cheese, no sauce.

Oh, what a fun.

What a fun combo you got.

Yeah, you can get a half and half on a pizza.

That feels like a mystery shopper order that you're placing every time you order pizza.

Every time I order pizza, I have to open it to see if they thought I was kidding.

You have to inform that it is not a non-pizza left beef situation.

Yeah,

I know Tommy gets a mushroom, onion, pepperoni sausage because I remember it.

Four is insane.

That's four toppings.

Mops.

Mushroom, onion, pepperoni sausage, mops.

That's crazy, man.

He's a big guy, though.

Yeah.

And he's got a big pizza.

Big hunger.

Big pizza.

There's a reason they charge extra for more than like one or two toppings.

Because it's better.

Tastes better.

Tastes better.

Yeah.

Like they don't don't charge extra to make things worse.

Wait, actually, Griffin, I'm really sorry we cut you off because I feel like you were building to one of the dumber things you ever said.

I feel sorry.

You don't charge more because you're not supposed to do it.

It's a punishment.

It's a fee, a tax, a tariff that you are paying for

your greed.

It's a tariff.

Here's the one thing, though.

If you don't eat pepperoni on your pizza, your average annual pepperoni pepperoni consumption absolutely plummets through the fucking mantle of the earth, man.

If I'm not

randomly alive, they do not show up on my meals without me hunting them down.

Now that they're in the middle of the morning.

Unless you're at a bad salad buffet, and then it's like, well,

this will help.

Hey, everybody.

Thanks.

God damn it.

Oh, my God.

Thanks to everybody who came out to Columbus for the Columbus shows.

They were an audience.

It was really fun.

The shows and the signs are great.

Dad became best friends with everybody.

Thank you everybody who came out and talked to our dad he needs this thank you so much um next up we're gonna be in anaheim uh doing a dad lands with brendan lee mulligan running that and a my brother my brother and me and we're gonna be in sacramento doing another my brother my brother and me uh also coming up we're gonna be in texas georgia and utah uh all taz shows will be taz vs except for aheim which will be dadlands uh you can find out the dates and get tickets and all the info at bit.ly slash mackelroy tours um we got some new merch up in the merch store for you to go and check out.

There's a 20 Thunder Drive pen

that is

shimmering and beautiful and strong.

There's a bunch of other stuff over at macroymerch.com as well.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Immigrant Defenders Law Center, which provides full-scale deportation, defense, legal representation, legal education, and social services to approximately 30,000 children and adults annually.

Also, hey, thanks to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life Is Better With You.

Montane has a new album out called It's Hard to Be a Fish.

I listened to it while we were traveling last week, and I fucking love it.

And I bet you will too.

So get it wherever fine music is sold and distributed.

Thank you, Montane.

Justin, you want to read The Fear of this thing?

Thank you, Travis.

I'd love to do that.

How flattering.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

This year, I vow to be faster than my fear of being tweeted about by Tony Hawk for not recognizing him in public.

My name is Justin McCarroy.

I'm Travis McGroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother.

May kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better, it's better with you.

It's better with you.

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