MBMBaM 767: Look at Me, An Outdoor Kid

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life, oh,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

It's better with two.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to my brother, my brother, and me.

An advice show from the Modern Era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your middlest brother, Travis Vroom Vroom McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

This is Griffin McElroy, and I'm sorry, dudes.

Whoa.

But I got a jet.

Oh, wait, you have to jet?

What?

Sorry, dudes.

Sorry, dudes.

No can do today.

Got a zoom.

I thought you were ready.

Like, we have this scheduled.

Yeah, I'm ready to fucking zoom.

Where are you going?

Because the road's coming.

Shh, shush.

The road's calling me.

And I need to go zoom because this morning I woke up, you guys,

and I looked out my window in my front yard.

What's not much of a yard, but I looked out on the sidewalk in front of my house.

Someone had left two electric scooters there for me.

Are you kidding?

Two electric scooters delivered like a stork or an angel did it and said, God wants you to zoom and left me not one, two electric scooters for me.

Griffin Hatt, like in what state?

In what state?

Sorry.

In what state?

Not one.

Not just.

It's the District of Columbia.

It's not a state.

It's the District of Columbia.

I'm pretty fucking sore about it.

I'm not going to be able to do it to that sort of topic.

What state?

I mean, I'm not an electric scooter guy.

God wants me to to be one because he put two beautiful fucking grinders on my doorstep this morning.

They look fully ready to fuck.

Like, they look good to go.

So

you busted out the quiver that you have for the second one, right?

So that as you ride the first one, charge the pleats, you whip that second one off your back.

And you can hop from one to the other while you're on the highway because these motherfuckers look street legal and ready to go.

They got NAS.

What's that?

They got NAS.

I don't, Travis, I don't know anything about electric scooter.

You keep asking me questions about like the

gadgets.

Are they still there?

Are they still?

Yeah, man.

I don't know.

I saw them fucking 10 minutes ago.

Now you're going to make me paranoid that I have to check periodically that somebody's not going to be able to get it.

Bring them inside.

Griffin?

Are you a little bit worried, Griffin, about the fact that someone drove not one someone?

Two someone.

Yeah.

Oh, gang.

Drove to where you live, and then we're like, this is the place.

And then left.

Looks like we'll stop right here

our journey ends here at Griffin McElroy's house yeah Jews the game's afoot I am I've been keeping my eyes peeled all morning for these fucking sneaky grinders who have uh rolled up to my house left me a beautiful gift I can't wait to zoom on these things yeah but it is like where is where are but like where are you though where are you

guys because there's two of you and there's one of him and you knew that didn't you you knew that going in that there's one of him and two of you It might be a pennywise thing.

Oh, they are a little bit close to a little sewer or whatever you call that.

I think that renting a scooter rather than buying your own is quite pennywise, Trevis.

Oh, that's cool, man.

But I don't know what you mean by that.

They never talk about that in the it storyline of how frugal he is.

Like, that's not his real name.

His real name's Tony, but everybody calls him Pennywise because he's so good with money.

And he wants kids or whatever.

Like, yeah, obviously that's an overwhelming feature.

Even from Jonathan Swift, that's a perfectly logical reaction to economic pressures.

You know what I mean?

There we go.

Thank you.

It's his social commentary he's doing.

How more penny-wise can you be than children

can you get, you know?

Yeah, sure.

Sure.

So I got a fucking Zoom, guys.

I'm not kidding.

I don't got a show in me today when I know all the incredible fucking road adventures waiting for me out there.

Well, do you want to, we can pause the recording, Griffin.

You can go have like a two-hour sojourn on your electric shooter and then come back and report to us what it was like.

Okay, yeah, let's take a quick two-hour break and then we'll pick it back up.

Okay.

Oh, fuck you guys.

I didn't know what happened.

Oh, fuck, you guys.

Fuck.

I fell down at 20 times and I fucked up my legs.

No.

Both of them, fuck.

A road rash much?

I look like Raspberry City over here.

Fuck, guys.

Those things.

And get this.

You need to pay for them on your fucking phone.

crazy and i found the two guys they stabbed me a little bit wow it's been a bad two hours i'm glad we weren't recording all that griffin

give me their location and i will destroy the assailants yeah during the two hours just got that robo cop upgrade that he's been talking about damn ready to go punks Yeah, ready to zoom.

You bullied my brother off his scooter while I bowling your dick off your balls.

I did try putting one foot on each scooter and then blasting, and

it tore my wiener and butt apart.

Yeah.

There's a Yiddish expression of you can't ride a horse, two horses with one behind, one fanny.

And it turns out that that's true for scooters, then that the penalty is

your penis and butt gets torn right in half.

I got into a of pre-show and post-show when we would be a little bit of a distance from the venue at our hotel of like grabbing one of those rental scooters and zipping on down to the venue, grinding down to the venue or grinding home from the venue in the dark.

And I had to get honest with myself at a certain point that

when I was zooming in the dark past people who had just come to my podcast,

it was the coolest

I had to accept that some part of me is trying to have the funniest death possible.

Like, for sure.

Some part of me is over the fact that this dip shit on a scooter after his podcast in front of people who had just listened to his podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you don't want it.

I don't want it.

No.

Not at all.

I'm staring at it.

We are three professional comedian entertainers.

And I think that if

once, God forbid we pass, the question, how'd he go?

was followed with you're never gonna fucking believe me you're gonna think i'm fucking with you that's the best best case scenario you remember when they released the whopper three in 2060 well he choked to death on that yeah you believe it he choked to death i like that actually

singing the munch squad theme song while chewing on the whop on the whopper three

wait wait munch squad he stopped doing that podcast 30 years ago yeah no he did it they just stopped

doing just that he never stopped Munch squad continued in perpetuity.

He was eating the cyber whopper.

They got him.

Have you, Trav, did you get down there to try all the how to train your dragon meals yet?

Did you enjoy those?

No, because it's not how to eat your dragon, Justin.

Okay.

Interesting.

It should be.

Nope, Justin, I was too busy last weekend to eat the how to train your dragon things because I had to watch my children are in dance class and they're wonderful and talented and

And they were in two separate sessions of recitals.

Hey, Trav, so's Glenn Powell, but you don't hear me bragging about it.

You know what I mean?

You had to go watch Dan Powell, Dan Powell, Glenn Powell's dance recital.

Sorry, Trav.

You were trying to counterburn me, but you fell on your own.

I know I did.

But I'm sorry.

I wasn't letting burn rest.

No, I was at dance recitals basically from 10 a.m.

to 5:30 p.m.

last weekend.

There were breaks in between, between, but what am I going to do with that time?

But it's cool because the second dance recital ended with pre-K through first grade hip-hop class of 30 kids, and it was a bomb to my soul, Justin.

It made it all worth it.

These kids,

they've turned, they've turned their striving to dance, and I loved it so much, Justin.

Oh, God, it was good.

There is nothing I dislike more than a dance recital, man.

That is weaponized art.

You're holding people prisoner to do art at them.

That's cool.

It's

rough.

If my kid was on stage the whole time, I'd love to my kids on stage three minutes out of 60.

It's exhausting to watch other people's kids do dance.

Like, I was so tired by the end of it.

My kids don't even do dance, but I could fix dance recitals real quick.

You ready?

Yeah.

Now it's competitive.

Yes.

Now it's competitive now it's how so you how you think you can how you think you could dance now kids with the stars and the the different classes hip-hop dance crew kindergartners goes up against like you know the fifth grade uh you know ballet team obviously they're gonna get

rocked um but it's competitive right it is seated for us yeah we are we are seated and then at the end they come out and they're like all right kids come out everyone wins and everyone gets like a medal that said like you're a winner you did it and then as soon as the kids get off the stage the adults are like okay for real now it's time to announce the winners because you got to know whose kids rocked whose kids had competitive dance in there i do like to when i watch a dancer's title i'll build storylines in my head of like behind the scenes drama where i'm trying to guess which of them don't get along with each other which one's like the teacher's favorite which one's the one that the teacher's like i'm just gonna i'm just gonna put you

over

here and that kind of keeps me entertained a little bit behind you know like making a behind the scenes drama i will say also that dancer's titles are one of the few places that I do get exposed to new music, which I appreciate.

That's a shame.

It's so fucked to discover new music these days.

Huge

title.

Shazam.

Hey, Shazam, this.

I'm trying to get it.

Start it over.

I didn't Shazam it in time.

Why are you only doing a mashup of it?

I can't Shazam half a mashup, Darlene.

Is this Sean Mendez?

I'm going to report to the RCA, Charlene.

Sean Mendez ex-DeBarge?

You're crazy for this one, Belinda.

How about we do some advice?

I'm an entomologist, so I'm comfortable around insects and other creepy crawlies.

In scenarios where there's a bug inside, I'm more than happy to be the go-to person who scoops up the critter and humanely relocates them.

It feels good to alleviate a potentially stressful situation for human and bug alike.

I've just moved into a new neighborhood.

I'm thinking about offering my bug-catching services to my neighbors.

What's a good way to advertise my willingness and enthusiasm for performing these sorts of one-off insect rescue missions?

That's from Critter Catcher, North Carolina.

That's wild.

I mean, you know, it's wild.

You know, it's wild, right?

We don't have to dwell.

The problem is, I think, is, I think, okay, it's wild, but I'm going to nail down why it's wild because

there aren't journeyman, like,

you know, insect jaws.

What's the word I'm exterminators, right?

There's no mid-point.

So either they're going to call you constantly for shit because there's bugs everywhere, or no one's going to contact you about this.

And you're third.

We know

we said that we just said it was wild.

I know they just covered all that.

If they wrote the question in, they don't have the context for why it's wild.

Yeah, they do because they sent it to us, the wild boys.

Traffic.

That's true.

We have to assume better of our dear, sweet listeners that when they send in a scenario like this, they know how fucked up and twisted it is.

To have a bespoke a la carte

bug relocation service offered to your neighbors is simply not a thing.

Now, can we play with that?

Sure, we can.

Can we willingly eat these sins so they're not exposed to reality?

Of course, yeah.

Get them out of your noodle, put them here.

You need a barter system.

What's the thing you don't want to do around your house?

Yeah.

That when someone calls you and they're like, Yeah, got another moth in here or whatever.

And you're like, Cool.

I need to like turn this hand on.

I don't want to do that or whatever.

What's the thing?

What's the exchange rate?

Here's what I would offer.

Singular bug relocation.

Because I don't mind bug relocation.

Bugs don't stress me out.

So I could do this gig.

What I would tell people is:

I will come to your home and remove the bug.

But when I come to your home, I will have in my possession something

that will then be yours.

Oh, cool.

So

this will no longer be my possession.

It will be your possession.

Yeah.

And

it's your thing to deal with now.

And it's.

Are there any restrictions on it?

Because that's such a fucking bum deal for me.

Physical lifting.

Physically hefted.

It has to be physically lifted.

Single hand.

One hand, dude, because you're being

a number of legs.

Number of legs of bug.

This is what I'm saying.

There has to be an exchange rate, Joseph.

Because if I ask you, oh, there's an ant on my counter and you come get it, and you bring me a broken microwave.

But don't, but that's, you're bringing capitalism into it, Travis.

No, I'm bringing it.

You're bartering an exchange rate.

Every bug is the exact same amount of effort to get rid of unless you've got one of the craftier ones.

That's not true, and you know it.

A stink bug is so fucking easy to get.

A bee.

I individually.

I'm saying you're being called for individual bugs.

There's no one bug that's harder to get than another bug.

There's a wasp in my house versus a stink bug, Justin.

You're telling me that I get the same piece of shit.

Very fast fly.

Very quick sidebar on wasps.

Yesterday, I was unrolling a sunbrella, you know, yes.

Yeah.

Unrolling it and a wasp comes out of nowhere and stings me.

And I get instantly like very angry, but a little nostalgic.

Like, oh man,

like being an outdoor kid.

But then I forget that part and just get really, really in a lot of pain, a great deal of pain.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I'm getting angrier too, because I really want to roll this umbrella up.

And I'm thinking about how small this guy is and how big I am.

So I go up there and I uh unrolled the start to unroll the umbrella.

And when I do that, you guys aren't going to believe it.

I thought these guys could only do that trick once, but I think that's bees because this dude comes back for a second, helping he gets a second dish seducer, Justin.

Could it be rarely

is a wasp a loner, right?

A wasp, rarely you see a wasp that's like, I'm gonna, I'm striking out on my own.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And perhaps jumping.

Mrs.

Wasp.

This wasp was rolling like nine deep, ten deep, and coming.

It was the first wasp's lover.

Entirely possible.

One time.

He stung me a second fucking time and my kids started laughing at me because I was crying a little bit.

Like, not even.

When you get stung by a bug or shit on by a bird or anything like that, isn't there a little bit of a part of you that gets excited?

Like, I got a story for later.

always man not in this moment and maybe not with wasp maybe i've never got stung by wasp before but i felt nauseous and sad i felt sad about it it hurt on my hand so bad and there was a bump oh man

he stung me twice and i knew where he was the second time i knew exactly where he was you look at that bump you think is it part of it still in there That's what I think.

And it freaks me the fuck out.

I know where all of it is.

It's in my vacuum.

Nice.

Whoa.

You got him?

Yeah, man.

I snaked him right out of the air.

You ghostbusted him.

And then you released him.

You released him.

I lured him in for a third bite, and when he came out for a third salt on your skin, you're like, what's up?

I guess humanity still has a couple of tricks left in it.

You know what I mean?

Vacuum?

Vacuum is my non-offensive.

It's my non-lethal bug relocation service that I offer.

This was the service I provided this gentleman.

He had to get away from the kids.

It's a small dustbuster, and then there's a trigger on it that flips the tank open to just launch whatever bug out that you are done with.

And then you job done.

And then if they're too hard to catch with that, or if they're real bastards about it, then I do have a bug assault launcher.

And that's if they, if they can't get, if they don't want to get re-vacuumed, sucked up, and they threaten me in

my house or bite me or my kids.

The vacuum is the first wave.

of what we offer here at my house.

If a, if a wasp gets in the house and he doesn't want to get vacuumed up, sorry, pal, you're going to catch the smoke.

I also do not extend

any protection to locusts or cicadas and i'll tell you why right now we're in a plague yeah and plagues don't count dot my five-year-old who has the soul of like a 90 year old trapped in them looked at me the other day just randomly we're like sitting on the couch and she goes probably gonna be a lot of cicadas this year it's another hot one Damn, dude.

What?

What the fuck?

Like, I was like, okay, cool.

I don't know if that's connected in any way.

I don't know if those two things are related to each other, but she said it with such confidence.

She said it like an old man saying, like, gonna rain today.

My knee's acting up.

She's got the soul of an old man that maked up a bunch of bullshit.

Yeah, inside her.

It's so deep.

Our Wabby's back because he made up a bunch of shit, too.

I see Wabi in your daughter's eyes, Travis.

Our step-great-grandfather.

Our step-great-grandfather.

When I look at your daughter's eyes, it's like looking into the eyes of our step-great-grandfather.

It was a no-way blood related to us once last.

I fucking hope not.

Listen, I think the barrier to entry has got to be so low on this thing.

That's the biggest issue is that if it takes me remembering your phone number to get rid of the bug or texting you to get rid of the bug, no way.

If there is a button that makes an alarm go off in your house and you can be there, I'm not kidding.

30 seconds guarantee.

Or it's free.

Yeah.

And the first time it doesn't work, I'm tearing the button off the wall.

I'm canceling it.

But that sucks for you because now you hear the alarm.

You have 30 seconds to grab some random shit from your house that you're going to sprint over.

You're going to have to schedule times that you're available.

You're going to have to be walking loops in the neighborhood just ready.

Maybe get yourself a truck.

Yep.

Or some kind of, if you could pneumatically ship yourself there quickly, that might work.

Or put the bug in the pneumatic tube, send it to me.

Oh, create a zip line network that starts on your roof.

Yes.

And it goes down to every other house in the neighborhood.

Why did I say roof?

I don't know.

Did you hear that?

And then a second zip roof goes down to your basement so you can get back.

Yes, that's cool.

Build a prism of zip lines all throughout your neighborhood.

This is the problem with zip lines.

They're only one way.

We got to figure this out.

And that's why we've come here today.

How do we get balanced zip lines so I can go back and forth?

Think about it.

That's perpetual motion, right?

Is what you're talking about.

Yes.

Put me on.

You cracked that one.

put me on an infinite loop of zip lines until i die i was visiting my girlfriend's friend who have a three-year-old upon meeting the child he immediately asked are you strong i'm no athlete or bodybuilder but my job requires a fair amount of manual work and i have a reputation for being able to live heavy things at work and in my personal life so

it's weird that those are two separate reputations but let's go on so i said well i got my work strong reputation and my life strong reputation i they know i'm they know i'm strong at work and at home they think I'm pretty strong, but maybe they don't know exactly how strong.

But it is a reputation.

Clark Kennedy and Superman, you know what I mean?

You look at Clark Kennedy and you're like, I bet that guy could

cut like a big box.

And then you look at Superman, you're like, I know that guy could lift a bus.

But Justin, they're the same person.

They're the same guy.

Superman is when he's at work.

So I said yes.

He immediately countered with show me.

Brothers, how do I convince this three-year-old stranger that I'm strong when there isn't a phone book or a board to chop in half nearby?

That's supposedly strong in San Jose.

Just to drill down on this, my girlfriend's friend has a child.

So this is your girlfriend's friend.

It's basically a stranger.

I mean, to you, right?

We can agree.

This is not a.

They even said Jesus three-year-old stranger.

It's a three-year-old stranger.

I mean, I've learned that children are inherently weak.

They're very small.

Their muscles are dough.

The ability to prove to them that you're stronger than they are is so easy.

You can pick up anything large.

It doesn't have to be dense or heavy.

And if you make this noise,

when you do it, the kids lose their shit.

Yeah.

They love it when you yell.

It's really hard to top physically picking someone up like because their moment, like everything,

all the different stuff that they can do at that point is severely limited because they no longer have the ground to work with you know what i mean like you just kind of lift them up and i think as terms of strength i mean yeah i can't pick myself up i've tried you know what i mean if i try to pick myself up i don't go anywhere so if someone thinks about that someone else picks me up they're stronger than i am i used to think about that in class like when i was younger i would think

if you got so strong that you could lift more than your body weight,

yeah, no, I mean, the Lorax figured this out, and he's a dumb little puppet monster.

I don't understand why I can't fucking lift myself up by the seat of my pants and fly up into it.

Do you guys ever have recurring, I have a recurring dream where in the dream,

I figured out how to jump up and not come back down and just kind of hover around like I'm glitching in a video game.

And every time in the dream, I will say or think, ah, I finally figured out how to do it in real life.

And I was so excited.

And then I wake up and I'm so disappointed.

And it happens maybe twice a week.

I have that dream.

I'm sorry, Travis.

Yeah.

But I've basically, in the dream, what I'm saying is I figured how to pick myself up.

You know what I mean?

But you've forgotten by daylight.

Yep.

Ain't that the way?

What?

Oh, you just got to pick yourself up by your bootstraps.

Have you ever tried that, Justin?

Grab your bootstraps, pull up real hard,

fling yourself in the air.

That's that.

Well, Trav,

that's why that expression exists, actually.

Funny enough, the fact that you can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps, it's exactly why it's used the way it is.

Because the idea that you would be able to elevate your own position by pulling on your own bootstraps is so ridiculous.

And that's why the idiom is the way it is.

You know, just that made it.

It's the same with the world is your oyster.

Because the rest of that is go out there and chuck it, which means it's there if you're willing to work for it, not it's laid open before you.

Anyways, welcome to.

Let's go.

What's cool?

What's going on?

Welcome to Black.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Just listen.

Just touch on the show.

We are.

Like, don't get me wrong.

I love that's the service we can also provide.

Like, we can do joke, but we can also do like, you know, Roman Mars shit.

And that's cool.

It's just like, it's just a lot of people.

You have a stadium you want.

Yeah, what do you want to talk about, Govind?

I would rather do like jokes about Mario's balls or like fucking.

Did you do some of those?

We barely touched on the littlest bit of series.

It felt like five.

Oh, no.

It felt like five whole Gregorian minutes to me spent of just like, and it's not just, and guys, it wasn't just that you started to drop fun facts.

Your whole like tone, like, as it was like a mask came on.

You're like, it's funny.

You should say

Frasier.

One fact each, Griffin.

But it was the way you said it was like Maximum Frasier.

And it was like, what's going on?

It really, really felt like you guys were

stepping through

Paramount Plus.

If you would keep that here, Maximum Frasier, my post-apocalyptic Frasier reboot, please, I've told you not to share that with our audience.

It's not ready yet.

Yeah.

Please.

It's so important when a group is trying to show versatility that at least one.

You're doing the voice right now.

This is your like, do you understand what I'm saying?

Like, where's my brother?

I'm kind of sick.

I've been outside all the time and I inhaled everything.

It's dangerous out there.

It's dangerous.

I inhaled everything because I'm at the park all the time and I'm just kind of sick.

Griffin, I'm not trying to do a voice with you.

I just knew that about bootstraps.

Stop bullying me.

I would really appreciate it.

Why are you being like this?

I just want to say that.

Why are you being like this?

Me right now am expressing a desire for us to feel safe and comfortable in this environment to be ourselves.

Okay.

Justin and I...

Hold on.

Justin and I...

They're doing expressly the opposite.

Yeah, that makes me a bad person.

I'm

trying to make this a safe place where you know you don't have to be anything other than exactly what you are.

Are you?

Okay.

Your submission is that the

midnight society.

society.

Your submission is

the boisterous happy guys.

That's the true us.

Anything less than

that is a push.

It doesn't have to be happy.

No, you're misrepresenting me.

Any bit of doubt.

You're misrepresenting me.

We could do a sad joke about Mario's balls.

Like, it doesn't have to be a happy guys.

Like, look around.

No fucking, no fucking.

You hear how Mario's balls got stuck in a manhole cover.

He got them stuck in a manhole cover going down to try to kill Bowser down there.

See, you could do a sad joke about Mario's balls.

It doesn't, I'm not going to force us to.

I want you to be what you are.

And if that's sad or mad at me, always like I'm not.

Mad at you about Mario's balls?

Griffin, what are you at all?

What did I do?

Drove my car over them.

But I did.

I just wanted, I guess I'm trying to be a good brother.

And you are.

Take me away, jail.

Take me away to jail for trying to be a good fucking brother for once.

Lift their dad up.

Yay.

Lift their dad around?

Pick their dad up.

Well, that's all.

We're we're just all that is a that is a maybe we if we don't know the answer to that question there i don't know that we can suggest if the dad's not around you become the dad because dads are inherently strong to their children okay

i'm sorry to your girlfriend by the way uh for whatever are you strong to your kids juice no no no no his kids yeah i was gonna say travi you can't just drop that

Yeah, by five or six, they crack it.

By five or six, they know.

In the phone book, which I think still exists.

See if you can find a place.

They literally said, They literally, literally, literally,

literally said they're not going to be able to do it.

You're not going to get a phone book.

Okay, thank you.

Travis, that is.

They said you could not have a phone.

Pull your iPhone out, rip it in half.

The child will, one, respect your strength.

Two, respect your commitment to the bit.

Three, love your commentary on how we've become too connected to our devices in this day.

Yes.

Yes.

Thank you.

Don't use your real phone, though.

like your own personal phone uses break his dad's phone

his dad does see look your dad's not doing that's how strong i am and if the dad's not around you say i found your this is your dad's phone

i found it he tried to hide it he wouldn't follow him i got it it's full of uh messages for you anyway

it's all the clues you need to find it I've just denied you, I've just denied you a great cathartic moment.

That's strength.

The strength is the denial of emotional

presence.

That's power.

That's power, baby.

I was going to say hire a bunch of extras to compliment your strength, but I actually like this better.

If I'm hiring extras, I'm going to teach them how to fake a fight.

Yeah.

Fake, beat them all up.

Yeah, recreate the whole pool hall fight scene from step by step.

It's getting expensive.

Oh, yeah, fuck.

Good pull, Griffin.

As long as we're touching on this, Griffin, the scene from Family Matters, which...

another kick-ass fight scene.

Yeah, no, when Urkel is challenged to the rope climbing contest and he builds a jetpack instead because he uses his strongest muscle, his brain, which isn't a muscle, I don't think.

And he flies up with the jetpack to get to the top, which I think is cheating.

But in the show, it's seen as a celebration.

But then he busts through the ceiling and ends up, I think, crossing over to step-by-step.

He ends up at step by step.

Recreate that scene for the three-year-olds.

It's going to be a good thing.

So you want this person to basically get TGIF?

this child that said prove to me your strength and your suggestion is strap on a jetpack blast through the ceiling first of all first if I could

Say the first problem.

I mean, okay, let's step.

Let's take this step by step.

Okay, there's no jet packs.

You die if you're no Urkel had to infinite because he used his brain.

He didn't go

in this world.

Urkel has invented a jetpack.

He smashes into the ceiling.

He's dead now.

There's no fucking way.

Urkel did die.

You've left left the child alone.

Bye, kid.

See ya.

And then you want them to land.

Wait.

We were solely responsible for that child's care.

That should have been established.

I'm assuming maybe a lot.

But then the last step of your plan is to go to step-by-step.

And I

simply don't know how to aim for step-by-step.

He ends up there, takes Al to the dance.

Yeah.

And then he does the Urkel for everyone, and everyone on step-by-step ends up doing the URCOL.

It was a huge crossover event, Griffin.

I remember.

It's not strength.

What is?

But.

Yeah, it brought the Tommy Westphal universe to its knees.

What if?

Just like the TGIF special where Salem had a time-traveling hairball, and all the different shows, including Teen Angel and Boy Meets World, were shot in different decades for that weekend.

Or the Mussy TV event where a New York City blackout crossed over between Caroline and the city and friends and Seinfeld and created.

What's the one with Paul Riser?

Mad About You.

Mad About You.

Yeah, it's a four-part continuity that ties together.

It's so good.

TV used to rip.

What if, in that scene, step-by-step, where Urkel lands with a jetpack, what if instead

the jetpack malfunctioned in the sky and he fell to his death in the yard of the step-by-step family, and then they just had to kind of deal with that?

What if you're watching step-by-step?

It's step-by-step.

You're watching step-by-step and just a body just fucking landing.

And now it's

okay, no, no, no.

Steel watch happens.

Urkel crashes into the yard.

Dead dead.

And then the Fargo logo pops up.

It's like, holy shit.

Oh shit.

Yes.

Yes.

Season 7?

Are you sure?

It's a soft reading.

It's a soft rebranding.

People do spin-offs all the time.

They don't do spin-ins.

I'm saying you do a spin-in where a show is concurrently happening within another show.

Absolutely.

How about we go to the menu zone?

Let's do it.

It's gotta be

you're living in the future.

Look around you.

Doctors are at your fingertips.

Wow.

Yeah.

It used to be you had to go places to find doctors.

Now you go get this on your phone to find doctors or your computer or whatever.

I don't know how you access.

the internet uh but or as mentioned it possible we'll call it cyberspace Cyberspace.

If you're accessing cyberspace, good news, you can find a doctor through Zock Doc.

And not just a medical doctor, but a dentist doctor or a brain doctor.

What do you need?

Travis, I have it on good authority that the entity's efforts to corrupt the information within cyberspace has not been affected with Zock Doc.

They have top-of-the-line protections to protect them from the entity and to assist Ethan Hunt whenever he needs a physician.

Whoa, dude.

So it's not an impossible mission to get the health care you need with Zoctok.

Wild.

Co-branding opportunity that no one expected, no one paid for, and no one allowed.

And no one will be happy about probably

with our client.

Hey, in that three-hour movie, I don't think

if they stop the entity, it will destroy cyberspace no less than 12 times.

Then they stop the entity.

Spoilers.

And cyberspace is never addressed.

The world seems fine.

It really gives you blue balls.

I want to see that bitch go down.

I want the world song to cyberspace.

I want to see cyberspace closed.

Please.

Hey, I'm going to do that.

You know who doesn't want to see that?

Zock Doc.

You know why?

Because they're committed to helping you find the best doctors in your area.

And they love cyberspace.

They love cyberspace.

If you've relocated or you're looking to switch a position, whatever the need, stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash my brother to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

That's z-oc-d-o-c.com slash my brother.

zocdoc.com slash my brother.

I think another weird thing for the Mission Impossible movies is how the entity never eats.

Maybe it's too busy.

Maybe it doesn't have time to eat.

You know what I mean?

That happens to all of us.

Where do you even find the time to eat?

Well, I get fresh fresh meals sort of delivered to my house ready to eat from Factor Chef.

Howdy, duh.

Must be nice.

Okay.

We're waiting for you to bring it.

I'm waiting for Ethan to come home so I can make dinner.

He's so busy all the time finding the entity, Griffin.

I don't even know what ingredients to buy.

I don't know how to make it.

Well, you don't have to worry.

You sound ridiculous right now because Factor's chef crafted meals are ready to eat in just two minutes, taking the hassle out of eating well.

So you can get right back to wearing a big suit that inflates to make you look bigger and change the way your face and head looks or chewing a piece of gum that lets you turn invisible like some sort of chameleon.

Yeah.

You can get right back to doing that, shooting a gun that has a computer, it shoots a little computer out, and there's a little guy that comes out of the computer as a hologram.

Yeah.

It's yeah.

So all that shit comes in your first factor box, all of this incredible mission to possible technology and also delicious chef crafted meals.

And these only one of that, only one of those things is true, and we're not going to tell you which one.

I mean,

it will take you a while to pick from the delicious weekly menu options, 45 different weekly menu options.

There may very well be Mission Impossible technology on there, but you're also going to get like good, good, nutritious breakfasts and on-the-go lunches and premium dinners.

They're ready so fast.

Whatever.

What?

They're ready so fast.

They're ready so fast.

This offer won't self-destruct when we're done reading it

um no yeah i don't even know how that would what how you what you said would happen i don't know

if it's not an impossible franchise either but they're always it says here in the factor ad copy don't even joke about how their phone might blow up because of this commercial

um yeah please do please we ask again

get started at factor meals.com slash brother50off and use code brother50off to get 50 off plus free shipping on your first box that's code brother50off at factormeals.com slash Brother50Off for 50% off plus free shipping.

FactorMeals.com slash Brother50Off.

Hi, I'm Amber Nash, the voice of Pam Poovy on the groundbreaking FX animated comedy Archer.

Remember Archer?

I sure don't.

That's why I started Rephrasing, an Archer rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org.

Join me and a bevy of special guests as we discuss every episode of Archer starting from the very beginning.

Archer executive producer Casey Willis and editor Christian Danley will provide insight and fun and help me remember everything I've forgotten about Archer, which is a lot.

So, join me on rephrasing an Archer Rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org because I can't wait to watch Archer again for the very first time.

The Wizards answer eight by eight.

The Conclave's call to demonstrate their arcane gift, their single spell.

They number 64

until a conflagration

63

and 62 they soon shall be, as one by one the wizards die,

till one remains to reign on high.

Join us for Taz Royale, an oops all-wizards battle royale season of the adventure zone every other Thursday on maximumfun.org or wherever wherever you get your podcasts.

All right.

I want a munch, squad.

Squad.

I want to munch.

Squad.

Squad, dude.

You're eating and you've left no fucking bubbles.

Welcome to my squad.

It's a podcast with a podcast profiling the latest aggressive brand eating.

I'm just inspired, guys.

I've been directing

this show, the prom

at the theater, at the Ritter Park Campaign Theater.

You can get tickets at heartprom.com, H-A-R-T prom.com.

How dare you promote art this weekend?

Not next weekend.

You missed it last weekend.

I wish you'd come, but this weekend, you can come on out.

Unless you're going to be in Columbus with us.

Unless you're going to be in Columbus.

Hey, listen, a lot of folks do both.

Yeah, it's not that far.

What, four hours?

No, the prom's three nights.

You can make it all happen.

Our show's two.

Prom's three.

Figure it out.

Get committed or get out of the way and let somebody else, a real fan, whoa.

Yeah.

Super hostile.

Yeah, absolutely.

Super hostile.

That's how they sell tickets on Broadway, Griffin.

They stand outside and they yell, like, I thought you were a real fan.

And you're like, what show is this?

And you're like, once upon a mattress.

And they're like, I like once upon a mattress.

I'm like, do you?

Because you're not.

You're about to be once upon in a coffin forever.

I'm going to fucking kill you if you don't come see Once Upon a Mattress.

Come see Betelgeuse or you'll learn a thing or something about being dead for real.

Yeah, because I'll make you dead meat if you don't come to Betelgeuse.

With these two hands and this knife.

You're in town.

You're in trouble.

You don't come to see our play.

I'm going to spill your Betelgeuse, by which I mean the blood inside you.

If you don't come see Betelgeuse, this cats have nine lives, but your stupid ass doesn't.

So come see cats.

I'm glad that was about cats or I would have been really lost.

Okay, listen.

Taco Bell has debuted crispy chicken tacos and burritos.

They have what?

They have debuted.

They have debuted.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm just having some fun.

Those are available today, I think, if I'm doing the math correctly.

Taco Bell is unleashing a full-flavored and full-size, yet just as craveable version of Krispy Chicken in

its boldest move yet.

Okay.

Okay.

That's a big,

claim.

Taco Bell saying their boldest move yet.

Now,

when they say full flavor,

was there a different option that they considered?

Get it shitty chicken nuggets for a minute.

We're going to expand the chicken, but not the flavor part, just the size.

Yeah, the flavor's perfect.

Starting June 17th, the brand is loading its crispy chicken strips into its most iconic formats with the debut of crispy chicken tacos and burritos available nationwide for a limited time.

Okay, Justin, can I stop you for a second?

You have.

Yeah.

I think it's real

bold and brassy of these Taco Bell PR people to act like, hey, we had this protein-based thing and you're never going to believe what we thought of doing with it.

We put it in a taco.

Like that, that is supposed to blow my brain out of the water or whatever.

100%.

And I think you can, if there is a theme of this press release, I do believe it is that hubris, that toxic hubris where they have discovered that people like to buy crispy chicken and they've gotten what we in West Virginia might call above their raisin.

You know what I mean?

They've forgotten where they came from and now they're thinking like their shit don't stink.

Listen to this.

I mean, they made a McDonald's snack wrap.

Do you want

to make $8 for it?

I bet you do.

Quote.

No, I'm not to the quote yet.

I'm still trying to finish this.

It's the same signature recipe fans loved in the sellout nuggets and the latest step in what's quickly becoming a full-on crispy chicken era for Taco Bell.

They're trying to restart the wars.

Yeah,

it's so irresponsible.

I don't think there's a person alive who, it's too fresh.

We just lived through it.

I think there's a weariness, and I I don't think Taco Bell's going to get it.

We don't have the resource.

I'm not going back to rationing.

Are you sure?

Hey, tell me if this is someone who is being cautious of their words and deeds.

Quote, Crispy Chicken is having a moment, but our fans have made it a movement, said Taylor Montgomery, chief marketing officer of Taco Bell.

Awesome.

Bold.

Good, bold.

So we decided to decide just like just like Hamilton.

Just like Hamilton.

Just like Hamilton.

So we

song in the middle of Hamilton where he does a whole thing about crispy chicken.

Yeah.

I thought was cool.

My favorite play.

And it's weird because it started, and it's like, hey, if you could pull up

Mr.

Burr, it'll be ready in like 10 minutes.

He's like, I'm going to wait for it.

And it's like, yeah, he sees about how he's going to wait for you.

So we decided to bring out our sell-out nuggets recipe to the formats that defined our brand because true innovation means elevating the icons, not replacing it.

But it's not.

But we're not like everything that we're making and put it on tacos.

Travis, we're not like every other chicken spot out there.

We're doing crispy chicken the only way we know how.

Awesome.

Full of flavor and unmistakably Taco Bill.

It's weird that we didn't start with tacos and work our way backward.

It's our poor competency.

They needed to see if it was good enough to put in a taco and then they did it.

After the breakout success of Krispy Chicken Nuggets, these motherfuckers,

it's chicken nuggets.

If you put it on the menu, everybody will buy it.

You know what?

There's a hot trend at every motherfucking restaurant in the Walt Disney World Resort, and it's called Serving Chicken Nuggets, because they will be purchased.

Fuck!

The next move is obvious.

Take the craveable tortilla-coated crunch fans love and pack it in the formats that made Taco Bell famous.

Tacos and burritos.

At the center is the new Krispy Chicken Strip.

All-white meat chicken marinated in fan favorite, zesty jalapeno buttermilk flavor and breaded with crispy tortilla chips.

The inclusion of the word flavor there

sucks.

They keep

insisting that there's flavor.

Then it's loaded into bold builds with layers of texture, familiar favorites like shredded cheddar and pico de gallo.

Whoa, they put cheese on it?

They put cheese on it.

So it's just moving closer to the light of Christ in the McDonald's snack wrap.

That's just what you're making, guys.

I promise.

And there's just a wisp of lettuce on there, as if we almost forgot to include the lettuce, softest lettuce.

The most transparent lettuce you've ever seen.

Is the full perimeter of the lettuce brown?

Why, of course it is.

It's the kind of lettuce that makes you ask, is that part of the wrapper?

It looks like a child science experiment where they soaked it in food coloring and the food coloring was brown.

The craving for crispy chicken is growing every single day.

And our fans have told us loud and clear, give us more.

Or we'll listen to you.

We listened.

Continue to innovate.

And now I've delivered said liz matthews taco bell's global chief food innovation officer from our viral

hardest job yeah let's hear for our frontline workers give it up liz from our viral crispy chicken nuggets to redesigning it you can't i think we got to start being a bit more careful about what we call viral and what we call popular yeah because i feel like for virality to be achieved the nuggets have to in some way be self-replicating right there has to be some amount of the nuggets that are just perpetuating themselves.

I would also like to avoid referring to anything edible as vodka.

Yeah.

The obsession with perfecting the crispy chicken recipe, the sauce, they're still throwing a parade for themselves for adding chicken nuggets to the menu.

I also like the imagery of the obsession of like, listen, we as a company didn't want to do this, but Todd would not let anybody.

But you fucking free, you fucking sickos and your fan favorite jalapeno flavorings we didn't want to do it we we hate selling these we hate doing this we are not called chicken bell the obsession runs so deep taco bell couldn't pick just one person to help launch it because if krispy chicken nuggets proved anything

it's the existence of god it's that everyone's into krispy chicken done the taco bell way

So a full-on Krispy Chicken cameo casting call was unleashed, tapping unexpected icons and devoted fans from every corner of culture to taste the crispy, bold greatness for themselves.

Is Young Gravy in the mix?

Because Young Gravy's always in the mix.

No, his absence is noted and suspicious, I will say, Travis.

Young Gravy, where art thou?

That's what I say.

Yeah.

They probably had to turn him away.

It was opt out for Young Gravy.

We have comedic nods from Kate Flannery to surprise voices like Gata

and expert tastemakers like Christian Petroni.

A wide array of cameos is all about this shared obsession because when the chicken hits this hard, everyone's got something to say.

I don't know.

So you're going to get to see those talk again?

Wouldn't that be something?

Wouldn't that be something?

They talk about them in here, but I don't know if we can find them, maybe.

So in this person, they just got back from summer vacation, lying to their friends about the cool shit.

For sure, met young Gravy.

It was crazy, man.

filmed the coolest TikToks about this.

He loved it.

He thought it was good.

He did a cameo film.

But he said, I wasn't going to have to share them with you because you don't deserve them.

We got on cameo and we just went nuts, gang.

Anyway, enjoy the chicken.

Anyway, yeah.

So that's the chicken.

They're doing chicken tacos, if you can believe it.

Believe it or not.

I housed so many of those McDonald's snack wraps.

It was my favorite sort of go-to guy.

And I think they stopped doing them.

I think they stopped doing them in

like 1999, perhaps.

And so I'm excited that they...

Wait a minute.

No, you made them come back just now.

No, no, no, no, no.

McDonald's snack wraps are coming back on July 10th.

Yeah.

What the fuck's going on, man?

What?

How can there be,

how can we go from zero snack wrap offerings

in the fast food marketplace to now?

like the big fucking dog is coming right back as Taco Bell steps into its territory.

Here's what, here's my where I'm at currently: is that there is not so much food trends as there are food extras.

So everybody gets pumped for chicken because we have lots of chicken.

We just ended up with a lot of chicken as a nation.

That's what I think.

Eggs are too expensive to buy, and the damn things keep turning into birds.

Damn it.

There's some logic that makes sense in there, Travis.

I'm so surprised.

Nobody bought these eggs and my supermarkets full of birds again.

Call them McDonald's.

We bought too many eggs.

You want to do another question?

Yes.

Recently, I requested a book through my library's purchase request form.

You can do so much with your local library now.

Amazing.

They're all free.

They're all free.

Check out your local library.

There are a lot of great folks there.

They love books.

And they love you.

Recently, I requested a book.

I don't have periodicals, Michael Filch.

I don't know, it's film or fish.

So I went with both in one word.

You really split the uprights.

Thank you.

Within a day, I got a personalized email, responding to my request, and said that my book would be in by the end of the week.

Brothers, much to my chagrin, by the time I made my way to checking out the book, someone else had gotten there, so now I'm on the hold list.

Funny enough, I feel me and this person could maybe be friends given their interest and quickness to seize the specific book.

And

we'd have a good conversation starter.

My question is, how can I get library staff to give me this potential foe turned into a friend's email?

That's from Tomeless in Tampa.

You know what?

I realize

I'm making a, I'm making a oh.

Yeah, but this is a second question like this.

And I'm realizing what's happening here.

We have entered, we've entered the A's, the, the, the, the era of our advice giving, where, like, now people come to us.

It's like in an ocean's movie where there's like one old guy that used to crack this certain kind of safe.

And they're like, listen, I got this thing.

And he's like, can't be done.

done yeah you know what i mean like this is the kind of question we get now they want us to be like

can't be done and then we walk out and they're like wait it's against this guy you hate and i'll be like how much money do you have like that's cool

that's where we're at you know what i mean and maybe he die and maybe he dies at some point in the movie and you're like it's pointed that it's for him well

it's for them but it is very much like hey brothers um i want to meet a stranger based on a book we both like and i have no way of doing it, and I have to convince other people to do it.

Help me do it.

They want us to say,

I got it.

You ready for this?

It's

a term that I have been using lately to describe.

Like Teresa and I read different books and then talk about them to each other.

And I refer to it as an asynchronous book club.

You can do an asynchronous book club here where the librarian is going to become your like dead drop, right?

Where you're like, give them this note.

It's anonymous.

And I want an anonymous response about this, right?

And we're going to come back.

I love that so much.

Wait, before you even, before you even detail this idea, I'd love to kind of play it out a little bit.

So I'll be the librarian and you be the person trying to get the email, okay?

And I'll be really, and I'll just be someone standing around.

All right, and Gravit's just standing around listening, like just hearing it.

And I really want to try.

Let's just really buy in, okay?

I don't want to, let's really try.

Go ahead.

Read my book.

Hey,

the book the book that i ordered sorry yeah

the book that i ordered and somebody like checked it out you're pee you're pee too loud okay i'm in a really good part of my job i love hearing the book right now i'll cut my i'll cut my hands around the librarian's ears

you're still going um so i'd love to

i'd love to contact them

Only you can hear me now, librarian, because I'm cuffing my hands around your ears.

I'd love to contact them.

If you could deliver them this anonymous letter, no.

Now, here's the problem here, Justin.

I feel like what you're failing to keep in mind is that someone doesn't become a librarian because they're not interested in playing out storylines, because they don't want to see where the story goes.

I'm saying that I think...

Ah, damn it.

You're right.

Because I work at the library.

Try again.

Okay, just do the last few words.

I was wondering if you could give this anonymous letter to them.

And, and, because I'd love to talk to them about this book.

You've intrigued me.

I do love a classic tale of missed connections.

Let me see.

Nice.

I'm sorry, Jeremy.

Why'd you just blow all that fucking dust on me, dude?

Forgive me, Jamie.

Your asthma.

I've forgotten again.

Apologies.

So,

you wish to contact Daniel Peterson?

Oh, his name was Daniel Peterson?

Okay, thank you.

Hey, Sven,

did you just give out another customer's name?

Sorry, Trev, I gotta know.

Are you a different guy right now?

I'm a different name.

And now I'm the boss of the library.

Okay.

All right, say your, give me my cue again.

Make the voice like way lower because I'm getting.

Hey, Sven.

Did you just give out another library patron's name?

No, father.

Oh, I heard you say Daniel Peterson.

No, father, that was a miss.

You've misheard again, father.

You've forgotten your daily nap.

I am pretty tired.

Father, have you been have you been taking care of your mind, Father?

It sounds like you're slipping in your old age.

I've been taking my ginkgo balobo.

Jamie, you hear this, right?

You're my witness, father, slipping.

Yeah, where's the Bible section?

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast, which is still called My Brother, My Brother, and Me, despite it not being great for SEO.

Yeah, we hope you enjoyed yourself.

Time for a rebrand.

Hey, everybody.

As mentioned, we're going to be in Columbus this weekend.

You should come see us.

We're doing My Brother, My Brother, and Me and Adventure Zone, and we'll be at Events of the Origins Game Fair.

If you're coming to a live show and you want to get a question answered or a fear read aloud, you can email it to nbmbam at maximumfun.org and put Columbus in the subject line.

And announcement, the Dadlands Anaheim Taz Show with Brennan was originally supposed to be on Friday, July 11th, but it's been moved to Saturday, July 12th.

And the My Brother, My Brother, Me Live show that was scheduled for the 12th will now be on the 11th.

We apologize for that.

Sucks.

We're very sorry that we have had to do that.

There was a scheduling mishap.

And

so previously purchased tickets will be valid for the new date.

If you're unable to attend, refunds are available up to 14 days before the show at the point of purchase.

Tickets for all the shows for the rest of the year are on sale now.

You can get all the information and ticket links at bit.ly slash McElroyTours.

We got some new merch in the merch store, including a Faster Than Fear Miggy Standee, a lot of just absolutely off-the-wall shit present in the merch store.

And 10% of all merch royces this month will be donated to the Transgender Law Center.

Go check out all of that stuff Griffin just mentioned and more at McRoyMerch.com.

And thanks to Montane for the USR theme song, My Life is Better With You.

Do we have a fear?

We do.

We do.

Justin, do you want to read it?

Oh, wow.

I'd be happy to, Traff.

Yeah, thank you so much.

This year, I want to be faster than my fear that an extra lizard will appear in my lizard enclosure.

My name is Justin McRoy.

I'm Travis McRoy.

I'm Griffin McRoy.

This has been my brother, My Brother Me.

Kiss Your Dad square square on the lips.

It's better with you.

It's better, it's better with you.

It's better with you.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

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