MBMBaM 766: A Different Breed of Pervert

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

I,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true,

It's better, it's better with two.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your middlest brother, Travis, Vroom Vroom McElroy.

It's me, sweet baby brother Griffin, baby under baby media luminary, Griffin McElroy.

Gamers, gamers, rise up, gamers unite.

You guys hear that sound all across the nation.

Yeah.

Gamers are rising up and ready for the Switch, for the new Nintendo Switch console.

The new Nintendo Switch console has come out and as is my knees are so tired.

Just in time for Pride Month.

Thank you, Nintendo.

Yeah.

Did you see what

I did was no, hold on.

Can I do mine?

Cause I have to.

Yeah, I tried to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I was, as is my habit, I let you guys get the system first, then I find out if it's worth it.

So I'm dying to know the Nintendo Switch.

Is it the top or the bottom?

And that's, so we've had another great, we've had two.

So I would like to do mine clean.

Oh, okay.

Can I just say before you do yours that I do not have a Nintendo Pride Month joke?

And so I'm, this is going to be it.

This is going to be the second and last one.

I don't know.

Well, you know what?

Now that it's, if you don't have one, rule of threes, I think I'm going to stick with the rule of ones.

I could probably gin one up real quick, okay.

But would you start to dig into the bottom of a barrel where it starts to be like, oh, it'll be bad.

No, people will not like it, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'll just skip mine.

I mean, I kind of did mine.

You did yours, I think it's like one and a half, yeah, for sure.

Do you think Nintendo is proud of their little Switch?

Um, I don't know why you said it like that.

I don't think it's a little switch.

In fact, it's the screen size is considerably larger.

So, what you just said is the dumbest ass thing I've ever heard.

Now, I haven't bought a video game system since 1998, so I'm assuming it's what like a hundred dollars

it costs it comes with a mario it costs a hundred dollars it comes with a little mario that you have to keep alive oh my god i'm not ready for that the system is called switch to mario in your pocket yeah and in order for the this first it comes as an egg yes oh my god

tamagachi

but in but kind of like a real guy like a real little guy and he really shits in everything and you have to there's a special button to claim up.

His name is Tamaguchi.

His name is Tamaguchi, and he shows it every like five minutes, Travis.

This little five-inched high Mario pulls his overalls down, and he leans down, he bends over on the table, and he shows you his Gucci.

And it's fucking weird, dude.

The droppings are nine microscopic, Travis.

So little.

Biggest relief for the gamers.

Yeah.

The droppings that we're going to be able to do.

With the PS5, the shits the PS5 made were so big and arduous, but this switch evolution.

This tiny Mario, after he flashes his Gooch at you, he takes the littlest.

So let me get this straight.

It's so easy.

Yeah, go for it.

I go to my nearest Babbage's.

Yeah.

I buy the Switch too.

They give me ankle land.

It's a fun.

Funko Land and Babbage's and KB Toys.

They give me a little A.

How many more?

How many more quick?

Just real quick, Tridebar.

Super quick, super quick, Round Robin.

How many places can we do that used to sell video games as well?

Electronics Betique

Toys R Us.

Blockbuster.

Blockbuster video.

Circuit City.

Radio Shack.

I'm out.

Travis went way harder than I did.

I worked at Best Buy for a long time.

So, anyway, this little tiny Mario.

So I go.

I buy the Switch 2.

Instead of handing me a console in a box, they hand me an egg.

Egg.

Egg.

And that egg.

And a bowl of spaghetti.

Oh, okay.

That's

that's plastic.

It's for the Mario.

Don't hit it.

It's not a gun egg.

Yeah, it's for the Mario.

Okay, so then I take the egg home.

I hatch it.

You don't hatch it.

That's crazy.

You don't have that kind of power.

Okay, great, great.

It hatches on the sun.

You're not the sun.

You're not God.

You can't make the egg hatch.

The egg just hatches.

The egg hatches.

And then a tiny man comes out.

A tiny Mario.

A tiny man is reductive.

He's a video game constant.

He's an icon.

Sorry.

He is a Switch 2, or in a more accurate sense, will give birth to the Switch 2.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

So then he pulls down his overalls and shows his googe.

Yeah.

It's on a schedule and unrelated to birthing.

And listen, just because he came out of an egg, he is not a baby.

This is so.

Let's be so clear.

This is a grown man who has made the adult decision to show you his perennium.

Yeah.

But here's the really amazing part.

Okay.

Travis.

With that, the perennium showing,

we'll get to a point where it gets to be too much.

It makes him get get too hot.

Thinking, I regret that.

And it's too much for you.

Yeah.

You're thinking, I regret that.

I'm not going to train him not to do it.

Good fucking luck, buddy.

Yeah, that's the best part, Travis, because when the system is ready to emerge and when it's pupated enough inside Mario's belly, which is a

egg within an egg.

The egg hatches.

Mario comes out nine months later.

After gestating the switch to it comes out.

And this is a bad thing.

Here's where it comes out, right?

Babies have a baby.

It's a twist.

This this is the twist right not a baby hold on sorry sorry sorry sorry mario the mario that comes out of the egg is not a baby he's a grown man who's made the adult this like a morcu kind of thing he's a small full-grown man yeah and then when the moment arrives okay and mr wilson has waited 30 years for this moment he's watching as the and dennis the menace has been just bothering him this whole time yeah so the What happens is he lies on his back and he shows you the taint, and you think it's just like every other time, right?

Yeah.

Four times a day, I don't blame you for thinking that.

You start counting in your head, 23, 22, 21, because he always does it the exact same amount of time.

But then you get one, zero, and it's still out.

And then it's glowing.

What?

And then it starts to split.

Okay.

Like wide.

And then it splits to a point where it's bigger.

The split is bigger than his body.

It's like larger than his body.

Oh, right.

We're getting into like Tesseract.

And I'm not going to lie, Travis.

This part's scary.

You will not see it.

When you're about to experience the ninth generation of console.

And this is when you're about to really touch the future.

Guys, you're video game journalists, so I know you've really been in the trenches in the wars.

This is all NDA.

You disgraced a video game journalist.

Thank you very much.

And I was more of an editorialist.

And I was more of a critic.

I'm not as hardened to this as you guys are, so I'm afraid to ask this question.

But does the little Mario survive the birthing process?

Well, Travis, the most beautiful part of it all is you're breathing him now.

Yeah,

Oh, he's star stuff.

Sort of a star.

He star stuff, baby.

Oh, okay.

Do you have returns to the loam?

That's why when you buy it at the electronics boutique, they have to ask you, do you have asthma or any kind of breathing conditions?

Because after he ruptures and the switch 2 comes out in nine months from him,

then he's going to turn into ash and you have to breathe him in.

30 years.

If you're wearing a K-95 when you purchase Mario, they ask to ensure that you've removed it.

They want to birth it.

Oh, you have to breathe in it.

Because it's disgraceful.

Is that how you connect to the system?

You don't really connect to the system and you don't really play it.

And there aren't really games.

Yeah.

Are they worried about Mario Kartworld 2?

It's not like...

That's basically it.

Pretty weird.

That's basically it.

Is Nintendo worried about 30 years from now the class action lawsuit about super mesothelioma from breathing in the Mario does?

Super mesothelioma.

Yeah.

And that's.

It's a mesothelioma.

We're the super mesothelio brothers, and we're here to play.

Sorry about your cancer in a major way.

Want to join a lawsuit for all of us, guys?

Sorry about my Gucci, and you're going to die.

He shouldn't have to die.

But no, no, no.

Class action?

So that's the Switch too, Trav.

It's $500 and probably out of stock.

I have my Nest cam open and a live monitor, live feed on my phone, on my desk, just in case Mr.

FedEx comes to deliver my special guy today.

Well, you have to breathe.

So you have to run out.

Wait, does he breathe?

He

can't.

Wait, the guy didn't bring your thing?

It comes today.

It comes today.

That's why I'm saying I'm going to have to probably, if I stand up and run out of the room.

Mine came yesterday.

Okay.

Well, mine will come in nine months when I buy it.

Yeah.

Justin and I got a special fast track

zero Mario Impreg Edition.

Though, Griff, I would say,

judging from the past 10 minutes, that's probably the last time that old connection is probably going to go through.

I imagine those emails are probably going to start going to spam, you know?

Yeah, no one, no one.

Hey.

Disgraced video game journalist Griffin Backerway, please don't tell Nintendo about this.

Don't turn it up, but really, anything we do that's not gamer stuff, they look at me and Juice and they think, like, these are two honored voices in this community.

Long lost

long, long dead video game critics.

You must really disgrace them.

That our audience is like one big

kid in class who raises their hand to remind the teacher that they forgot homework.

The second you say, please don't tell Nintendo about this, everyone's going to be skeeting and tick-tocking and

Instagramming to See, Nintendo, all about this.

Before you do that, please think about how sad it would make you if Daddy Nintendo got mad at you and

stopped letting you play their games.

Or turn the switch off.

Yeah.

Yep.

Oh, now I'm sad.

How about a question?

Yeah.

I would love that.

Yeah.

Is it sound good?

Sorry.

You all right?

Yeah, I got a picture of Green Day stuck on my computer.

You want to explain why?

It went full screen and I was trying to get rid of it.

Why did you have

a picture of Green Day open and

ready for your internet?

I was going to talk about it with you guys, but then I didn't know if it was worth mentioning to you.

You were just going to talk about the band Green Day in general?

No,

last night

I needed coffee, but I couldn't leave the house and I needed coffee for the morning.

So the only place that I could get coffee from was Speedway.

And the only coffee Speedway had was Punk Bunny Coffee by Green Day.

Yeah.

This looks cool, dude.

How is it that in this photo, which we'll we'll share somewhere, there's four

people in it,

and the least excited one to be there is the bunny.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

But that's not going to play.

Yeah.

Hey, how come the three members of Green Day seem like they're aging at three completely different speeds?

Yeah, it's very

strange.

Here's all the different

products.

So with Punk Bunny Coffee, they've got

some different.

Can you just do the like the Munchquad sound just so we feel like

just like

Munchquad?

Thank you.

Okay.

You're good.

You don't have to do the whole thing.

That success.

So

in addition to, are you still seeing the screen here?

No, you made the picture of Billy Joel go away.

I would never.

Billy Joel offered me.

I'll show this tab.

Hold on.

Billy Joel Young is his name.

So you're, let's say you love Green Day and you love coffee.

Of course.

So we can start with this.

Dookie classic.

Dookie.

Yeah, Dookie is one of their big flavors.

It's a shame that they didn't make any albums after Dookie.

It was so good.

Why'd they stop there?

You got Last Ride In.

That's a medium dark.

There's Light Club.

That's a Light Roast.

There's Soundcheck.

That's a Dark Roast.

And then there's Father of All Dark Roasts.

Wow.

There's also a limited edition Fancy Sauce Roast.

Huh.

And then they got some K-Cup pods.

There's five different K-Cup pod varieties.

Now, that's just a coffee, though.

If you love the brand of Punk Bunny Coffee, you could get yourself bunnied with merch that'll make your tail twitch, like the graffitia tote,

the Love Bunny Tumblr, the Baby Crop Tea, the Paint and Saint Tea, the Punk Bunny Coffee Green Day mug, the Dookie X PBC Tumblr, the Punk Bunny, the Dookie X PBC mug, and the Graffitia case.

I want to point out

what bothers me, they here in the merch have like the Americano idiot, yeah, right?

Which is very good.

That's high end.

How come in the coffee flavors, none of them?

Maybe I'm just out of touch with Green Day's more recent things.

Are those just about the life of being on the road, Trav?

It's just about like being a road dog.

Like, I'm not sure you would, you would get it.

Um, it's just about road life, you know what I mean?

Like, sound check,

you know, last ride out.

So, what was father of all?

So, my question.

Father of all.

So, I got this because they did a special collaboration with Speedway.

With Speedway, and they're also 7-Eleven, because around here, they're kind of mixed up.

They're a little bit the same and a little bit different.

So, it's kind of confusing sometimes.

Yeah.

But they're also doing a special Slurpee flavor

for a green day

Slurpee flavor exclusive with 7-Eleven.

So, my question is this, guys.

Here's what I'm going to ask you:

What was American Idiot about?

That's a big thing.

I feel like I thought I got it, got it kind of a little bit, and then I feel like maybe I didn't get it.

Because, like, yeah, for sure.

They got buddy coffee at 7-Eleven, so I feel like I don't maybe get it.

All right, Justin.

Maybe I didn't get it.

I came to you guys for information about the Switch as the lead Duke head here.

I'm happy to explain this to you.

You see, Justin, American Idiot Idiot is whatever you want it to be.

And that's the idiot part.

That's the idiot part, you see, because like every American will think American Idiot is about one thing, and they're inherently wrong.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Do you get me?

Can we, I mean, let's let's dive into the lyrics, skipping over the wild gay slur that's in it for Pride Month.

And because if we sort of start to look at it, I think you can probably see the clues that they're going to do a major brand partnership with 7-Eleven in the lyrics to 2004's American Idiot.

Don't want to be an American idiot.

One nation controlled by the media.

Information age of hysteria.

It's calling out to idiot America.

Make you think.

Yeah, it says here, I'm looking at the genius lyrics.

Make you think, but also make you thirst.

Yeah, I'm looking here at the genius lyrics, and it says specifically that Billy Joel Osman said that that lyric,

that that lyric says, And in 21 years, we're going to do a partnership with Pink Bunny Coffee and 7-Eleven.

Two decades and a year,

slop it down, slop it down, American Idiot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if it's art at this point, but like you have the members of the band and they're all in this like fisheye lens and they're all just like gargling these fucking bright green Slurpees

with the 7-Eleven branding everywhere.

What's the Slurpee?

Oh, Candy Grape?

Yeah.

It's Kerplunk Candy Grape.

That's what I mean.

I mean, read the fucking lyrics to any of their songs, dude.

Wake me up

this album.

I was all by myself.

I was eating some candy.

I love candy grape, but only a slurvy.

Masturbation.

Slop it down.

Here we go.

Yeah, so I guess that's another thing.

I'm really aiming for the slurvey on the road.

Yeah.

Wow, man, when you go back, how did he?

It was, it's one of those is the dress blue and black or golden black things where it's like he was actually saying those words all along, but we can't.

All the clues clues were there, Mr.

Policeman.

Yeah.

I got to say that I know that maybe this seems a little bit disingenuous for us to have a little bit of fun at Green Day's expense.

We do have our own merch page.

I understand the way the merchandising works, but I will say this: we've always been pretty fucking consistent about where we stand.

Yeah, well, we did a whole coffee.

I think I've been in Corporate America's pocket for a very, very long time.

I'd like to be deeper in there.

If Emery starts, we did a whole episode about a coffee brand we had started that we then sold.

And that's right.

And gang, that's selling out, but it's right over the plate.

Here's what I'm saying: is that right now we're in corporate America's little pocket at the top of the jean pocket where they keep like keys or a quarter or something?

Yes.

I'd like to be deep in their cargo pockets with like more money coming in.

I would love a little bit of extra elbow.

I'm so open about that.

Like, I'm trying to sell out and no one's buying, is the problem.

I've been an influencer for years now, and no one's paying me to influence shit.

Is the problem?

Can I ask

how long are you thinking about trying to keep yeah when is it time to hang it up?

The hoops troops till the day you die?

Are you sure?

Because there's other stuff you could do.

I'm doing other stuff too.

I'm just saying my primary focus is selling out.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, team up with Green Day.

I'd love to.

Are you kidding me?

I would erase this episode from time in a heartbeat.

If they were like, do you want to design the next Kerplunk candy slurpee flavor?

I'd be like, yeah, man, let's do it.

It's going to be toxic brown or whatever.

Let's go.

Hey, let's help people.

I'm tired of not being useful.

I want to make myself useful.

I walk fast.

My natural, comfortable pace is brisk.

It takes real conscious effort for me to slow down to keep pace with people who walk more slowly.

I work at a Berkestore where part of my job is leading customers through the store to help them find the book they're looking for.

And I often catch myself zooming ahead and having to stop and wait for the customer to to catch up so I don't lose them among the shelves or walking so exaggeratedly slowly that it feels like I'm mocking them.

Brothers, how can I train myself to keep pace with these slow pokes without feeling like I'm waiting through molasses?

That's from Sonic in Seattle.

Gotta go fast.

Sorry,

today must be pretty hard for them with the Nintendo, with the new Nintendo.

Gotta be pretty hard.

Sonic would love to give fans or something, and no one will let him.

That's what the internet has told me.

I'm also a fast walker, and I've worked in retail.

And And they make you wear shoes.

Yeah.

I'm a fast walker who's worked in retail and I'm a fast walker who shopped at places.

So I can come at this from both directions.

I know.

I know, man.

I don't.

All I want, if I ask someone to help me find something in a store, I want them to get me there as quick as possible and then go on about their business, right?

Like they should keep up with you.

I don't think you need to slow down for them.

If they ask you to help find a book and they're slow, just yell like, knowledge waits for no one.

Okay, come along, squire.

If you're at Home Depot and you're like, I need this pipe fitting nowhere, no idea where to look.

And then you go.

They jump into the shelves.

They go up to someone and you're like, hey, can you show me where these pipe fittings are?

And they say, sure.

And then they take off in a dead sprint.

Yeah.

That's the ideal situation.

Let's just be the speedy when those who knock are needy, baby.

I guess so.

I'm just saying that given the option between dead sprint or like a slow meandery walk, I'll tell you what happens more and more these days, days, if I can.

As an old curmudgeonly

former retail worker, I ask them what something is.

They pull out a little like handheld device.

They got to look it up.

They don't know top of their heads.

They don't know the whole store's inventory of their heads.

They don't know top of their heads.

By that point, I could have done that.

Yeah.

I was at Home Depot last week.

A guy asked me to

help him.

figure out what pipe fitting he needed.

Why the fuck did he do that?

Because I had an orange hat on.

And we were too deep down the rabbit hole by the time he asked me.

I had to look at him and say, sir,

you have not only picked a non-employee, you've maybe picked the most non-employee you could have selected.

I'm not working at Home Depot any harder than you already are.

But I bet you felt pretty good for a second, right?

For a second, there was like a, I'm flattered, but I don't.

No, I skipped straight to sheer panic.

But that's a, you understand,

pretty unforced error that you took on there wearing that hat to the Home Depot store.

Home Depot employees don't wear orange hats, they're not hunters.

They wear no, you know what?

I don't go to Home Depot, it must have been Lowe's.

That's even weirder than that because it was an orange hat.

Now, think about it.

To be fair, you made yourself extra visible.

So, whether they thought you were there or not, they just scoped you and they were like, ah, a human being.

They must know.

That's why everywhere I go, camo, ghillie suit, crawl on my belly, never get perceived.

Goku.

Huh?

Goku.

Yeah.

To get stronger,

trained with these weights on his arms.

Sorry, Justin has a little toy donut that he keeps rubbing on his face.

And I don't know.

It's so distracting, this little toy donut that you have.

What is that?

What's wrong with you?

What is that, man?

Why?

What are you changing?

Dude, you can't.

I know that it's not strictly.

We've talked about it before, Graham, but like again,

you're doing this?

You're going down this road again?

If I hold up a tiny whale and rub it on my face while we're doing the podcast, you can't be like, What are you doing with that tiny whale?

Why are you looking at me?

Like, what is wrong?

No, you have me.

There's so many other tabs to look at.

You have me until you got mad at Gravenberg looking at you.

Why are you looking at me?

We're on a video call with each other.

Look at the other tabs.

You know what I look like.

I know what you're doing.

You don't need to be looking at me.

Okay.

I genuinely.

This is for later for TikTok.

It's not for you.

The donuts.

It's not for them.

Okay.

It's for them.

The video's for them.

It's not for you.

What were we just discussing?

Goku wore weight.

I'm building my grip strength, Griffin.

To answer your question, as my arthritis and carporal tunnel syndrome continues to be.

I didn't have to do it.

Yeah, my medical thing.

Oh, you wanted to make it a funny topic for the show?

Not a funny topic?

Again,

no humor intended here.

Should I clear things?

Should I clear things with you before?

You guys know you might be seeing it.

Trappis, I'm feeling extraordinarily othered by you right now now for not jumping in and being like, it was distracting.

No, I'm just trying to decide who's going to win and then I'm going to side with them.

Goku,

to get strong, wore these crazy like weights and shit on his hands.

And ate his vegetables.

Let me finish my Goku bit.

Let me finish my Goku stuff.

I'm sorry, Justice.

Because let me tell you, Travis, I don't actually know this stuff very well.

It may have very well been a Vegeta or a Gohan or some other, a Boruto.

You know, there's a classic scene where Goku takes off the weight vest while he's in the middle of a tournament and they're like, what?

He did all that with the weight vest?

Yeah, you're right.

I think it's not, I think you're wrong.

So like, I don't even want to go that hard.

So Goku.

Wait, I was.

Wait, I was back.

Yeah, wait,

Trav, do you see what I mean?

Yeah.

Do you see how he's being?

He is.

He's being.

Injured being for sure.

If you're too fast, you got to put on the Goku bracelets.

But that's just going to make them faster when they take the weight voice.

Is Goku or Vegeta or Griffin's being a real Vegeta right now?

Perhaps Piccolo.

I know the guys' names.

I've never seen it.

I've never seen this show.

I would never fuck with this.

But anyway.

Why would you make that call?

Why spread that kind of violence?

That was like absolutely an S for Griffin.

Just a huge snipe of your.

I'm so sorry.

I like thinking about Goku and not consuming Goku content.

No, not consuming.

He likes fantasizing about Goku is what you're saying.

Who's got got that?

Because he doesn't want it to be reality based.

Who's got that?

You just want to make up your own head cannon about Goku.

My mind works so fast, I could imagine an entire season of the Dragon Ball show

before you could even finish the first episode of the Goku.

Okay, let's skip the first six episodes of the season because that's

all failer and setup and a lot of jug.

Let's pick him up in episode seven.

As far as I know, we have Goku, we have Brian Piccolo,

we have Steak Vegeta.

We have Brian Piccolo from Brian's Song.

Yeah.

A reference that everyone should enjoy.

Actually, I actually, the only human beings that will appreciate the Dragon Ball Z Brian song overlap.

Yep.

The bald Z.

The bald ones there too.

Everyone's

old man with the dragon glasses.

Old man with sunglasses, he's there too.

All right, Griff.

Episode seven.

Where do we find the gang?

Well, get this.

They're in the middle of a big tournament.

Whoa.

Yeah.

And

Goku has just come back to life.

He died in three.

And then, yeah, Gohan.

He's been dead.

Wait, in the first six episodes, Goku was dead for three of them?

Yeah.

That's why they felt like Filler a little bit.

Okay.

A little bit.

So they're losing.

And then the bad one, whose name I should really, really, really remember.

Krillin?

That's the bald one.

Penzance.

Penzance goes Super Saiyan, which is like a thing they can do where they get even stronger.

And then he kicks Goku's ass to hell, and he dies again, and he has to ride on a big turtle back.

So literally kicks his ass to hell.

He kicks his ass right to hell, rides a big turtle back.

He comes back, he turns Super Saiyan 2, which is like yellow Super Saiyan, only blue.

But if they're both Super Saiyan, Griffin, wouldn't it cancel each other out?

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

Does a one cancel out of two?

Does a one cancel out a two?

What's two minus one?

You still have a remainder.

So Goku wins this one.

There is no Super Saiyan three.

There is no Super Saiyan three.

This is the last episode of Dragon Ball 6.

Oh, he goes Super Saiyan 2, number 2.

Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Yes.

I can see how that would be confusing.

Very confusing.

He goes Super Saiyan Dos.

Okay.

And

then he kills him.

And then that's the end.

That's the end.

And then after that, well, the next season's Wizard and Glass, where Goku goes back in time.

Well, we flash back

going and traveling with his friends to stop, stop,

I don't know, a bad guy or whatever, but it's like 20 years earlier and we don't care about it.

That's true.

Do you guys ever, while you're in the middle of a bit that's heavily referential of a piece of important cultural media,

just feel the sudden urge to just want to stop, want to stop doing, like be able to like press a button and just not be doing that bit anymore?

I, you know what, Govind, sometimes I think,

if I can make it through this for the next 30 seconds,

I'll never be able to justify watching this show to myself.

Because the only reason I would do it is for if it came up on a podcast and I'd be able to like play in the space, right?

Yeah.

So if I'm right now kind of testing if I have a deep enough pool

to do drag mall material.

And so far, I've used like literally everything I have.

Yeah.

And I don't know more about.

None of us have said over 9,000, which is good.

That's kicks ass.

That lends us an air of credibility, at least, I think.

Griffin, if you could teach me how to have have the impulse to want to stop a bit that's not working, I'll pay you.

The show would be, Travis, the structure, the fundamental bindings of our show would be, would be, uh, it actually, Travis, not your fault.

It skips a generation.

So, oh, I see it.

I have it.

Griffin has it, but you, you don't.

It makes sense.

Yeah.

Travis is our uncle.

Actually, Griffin, what I was saying was a joke for the show.

The big secrets out, guys.

The name of the show's been...

Travis has been the me the whole time because he's a uncle now

technically you are an uncle i mean i am yeah not my uncle but can we go to the money zone not my uncle this is an again the second consecutive bit i have wanted to absolutely leap out of like a moving car

You know the most precious thing to me, Griffin?

Oh, your walk with Christ.

No, my dreams.

My dreams.

The problem with my dreams is they die with me.

Unless.

Hold on.

Unless,

unless I can start taking the steps to make those dreams a reality.

You know what I mean?

Everyone should get to share in my dreams.

And if I want to bring those out of this.

This thing here, this meat here, and put it out in the real world where people can walk around my dreams.

Yeah.

I got to reach out to Squarespace and say, hey, what's up with Wesley?

Dude, I did not have the ad copy up and open yeah when you started doing this yeah and that was not the company that i assumed we were advertising what if you had been like you know the problem is my dreams die with me anyways rocket money will save you

i just wish i wish you guys would let me finish them before you start dismantling it because it is like where i'm flying the plane and you're like you're right You haven't finished the second wing.

I know I haven't.

I'm trying to build a plane as I go, guys.

Cook chef.

I don't know the next sentence.

You know that, right?

Griffin, it says right here in the ad copy, do get creative with your ads.

Talk about how your dreams die with you.

Die with you.

Spiral the audience into an existential crisis, but then brand new.

It's not an existential crisis.

I'm saying a dream unshared is a dream unrealized.

And the first step to sharing your dream is to go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial.

They've got templates that are made by some of the best designers in the business.

And you can stand on the shoulders of those giants and get your dreams out of your head and let us all walk around your beautiful dreams.

Let us in.

Let us in your beautiful dreams at Squarespace.

Yeah, man.

Let me in your dreams.

What are you hiding?

Your website's going to look great.

Don't worry about it.

Don't beat yourself up.

Don't get in your head about it.

Just go to squarespace.com/slash my brother for free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MyBrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Do you guys want to hear something absolutely tragic?

For sure.

When I die, my memories die with me.

Unless.

Unless.

Unless.

unless I get chill,

that was the most you just did a

bunch of pudding before we had a bunch of people.

That was crazy, man.

Are you cool?

I have carpal.

That doesn't have any effect on what

glottis, dude.

And early onset arthritis.

You don't have arthritic glottis.

You can't convince

Pokemon.

In my morning coffee.

Glottis into arthritic glottis.

He gets a powerful attack.

don't just throw the donut at the microphone justin is absolutely doughnut is justin's glottis he removed it from his throat he's stressing it this is a this is a glottis model that i brought from home griffin so you'll you're pretty embarrassed now it's a scientific tool see my glottis is cl is like doing this oh griffin you're embarrassed now oh i'm sorry hold on wait i'm reading the aura frames ad copy now and it says give it the muddiest cruddiest delivery you absolutely can oh yeah work

that glottis glottis, nasty boy.

It says right there that Wag carried the last ad on my flipping back, guys.

Why don't you cruise on down the road with this?

Do you have a man that's all glottis and no memory?

Sure, we all do.

Get him in aura frame, so at least he'll still have the glottis, but now his memories can be digitally downloaded directly into the aura frame.

No, no, I'm not talking about cyber stuff, I'm talking about your photos.

Because aura frames was named the best digital photo frame by Wirecutter, and it's easy to see why.

There's unlimited storage, so you can add as many photos, videos, and get this funny memes as you can find.

And it's so simple to set up.

Just plug it in and share away.

You can even share remotely.

So, like, if you get it, say, for your dad who doesn't live with you, maybe he still lives in Ironton for some reason.

I could just upload photos directly to my dad.

Why would you do this?

Why would you not want to live with your dad?

It's crazy.

Okay.

So, Aura Frames has a great deal for Father's Day.

For a limited time, listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $30 off their best-selling carving matte frame.

That's A-U-R-AFrames.com.

Promo code MyBrother.

Support the show by mentioning us to check out Terms and Conditions.

Terms and Conditions apply.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Over the past couple of years, I picked up bird watching as a hobby.

Cool.

To really put this into perspective for you, I skipped my senior prom to look at birds.

I've recently acquired a nice seban.

You could have looked at some nice birds at the problem.

Let's check out them birds.

I've recently

in high school is full of birds.

It's important to

have a real holy gym.

I've recently acquired a nice set of binoculars, which are great for when I'm out in the middle of nowhere, but when I'm sitting on my porch trying to figure out what kind of bird is on my neighbor's roof, how do I use my binoculars without looking like a complete and total freak?

That's from scared of being perceived in Cincinnati.

There's got to be a shirt

or a sign.

Would a sign help?

A sign.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We've...

Have we talked about having a shirt that says I'm definitely bird watching and how that will definitely make you seem like you're doing anything but bird watching?

It feels like us.

It feels like some shit we'd say.

That does say like, it sounds like it's something we would say, but maybe we dreamed it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then like it's possible.

It could be a day.

It could be like a matrix thing.

Just yell out a bird every time you see one.

Two seconds, yell out a bird could help.

There's another one.

Whistling is probably detrimental, right?

Like,

or do you have to do bird calls to summon the birds you want to catch?

Maybe a big number of birds that you're checking off.

The level of self-accountability you would need

to do this hobby, to do this hobby period, is absolutely beyond me.

Like, I would stand in one place for 10 minutes and just decide, like, it has to be that thing.

it has to be that bird i wanted to see it has to be there's no way it has i've been out here 10 minutes that's definitely a red breasted warbler you know or whatever as long as you do just a small bit of research into birds in your area how's that if you're like i saw a hawk no one's gonna be like no you did no fucking way man hawks i would believe any anywhere's got to have hawks right yeah everywhere's got hawks because if there's a place that doesn't have hawks one hawk could show up in that place and would be fucking in charge big bird flies by, I just point at it and go, ah, turkey vulture.

And whatever it is, I don't know.

They're so fast.

Like birds are so fast and so small.

It's so easy to lie about birds.

That's a really good point, Griffin.

We often forget that.

I was thinking a shirt that said like, I'm not a pervert, I'm bird watching would be cool.

But then I thought that would be a very specific use case that you could wear that shirt.

There's probably lots of hobbies that would benefit by having a shirt that just said, I'm not a pervert on it.

So if you were doing something that might be interpreted as perverse, they would see your shirt and be like, must be bird watching instead.

Here's the problem, Griffin.

What if I am a pervert?

I just don't feel like answering a lot.

There you go.

That's what I'm saying.

How do we check for perversion before?

Or a different pervert.

Oh, a different like.

For a flavor of pervert.

I'm a pervert.

I'm a different kind of pervert.

I'm not this particular kind of pervert.

Ask

me about my perversion.

I'm a different breed of pervert.

100% pervert, but not that kind.

Not that kind.

That would be cool.

And then it would have all the big dog iconography on it.

Legally binding.

It wouldn't say big dog.

It would say

a different breed of pervert.

I'm not a regular pervert.

I'm a grandma.

We can fill it in with a bunch of different ones.

I'm not a regular pervert.

I'm a woodworker.

Right?

We can have a regular pervert.

I'm a Pisces.

Yeah, there we go.

The difference between me and you,

I am a pervert and I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah,

the difference between me and you is our flavor of perversion.

I think that type of bird watching is important here, too.

If you're one of these types of bird watchers that's looking for specific birds or they want to note the birds that they've seen or keep track of it, I think that that kind of bird watching is going to look somewhat suspicious.

I think if you get into a more, what I like is a more sort of free

open-ended bird watching that gets back to the heart of it.

You're watching birds.

You're smearing peanut butter on your arm and sprinkling bird seed on them.

Standing there.

They're just looking at them.

Hey, man, yeah.

If you just see someone in your neighborhood with binoculars pointed at the sky, swinging around like, yeah, man, go.

Or, woo, look at them, go.

Oh, they're not going to think that you're a pervert.

I was, I was kind of contemplating more of a Brenda fricker, like the birds come to me.

I don't need to knock them.

Endgame.

Once the birds are super comfortable with your presence in the neighborhood, that you will be able, you will have Brenda Fricker bird powers.

Bird watching is a thing that I think sounds very cool.

And one time I downloaded an app that can help you identify what different birds are.

And that's cool because I would have no way of knowing that information otherwise.

So I was using this app to identify birds and that for about five minutes.

And then I just instead opened up Pokemon Go Go because that's what I was doing.

That's what I was if I'm being honest with you.

Which is like bird watching.

If I want a digital animal collecting experience, there's a place for me to do that already.

Okay, listen, guys, here's my billion-dollar app idea.

It's a bird identifying app that is localized right to your neighborhood, but it doesn't tell you like the species of bird.

It tells you their first name.

So when I see that bird, like the first user to find that bird gets to name that bird.

and then every time that bird gets recognized by the app, how is the app tell?

Just a quick question off the top of my head: how does the app tell the different

who the different individual words are?

Microchips, chip them, yeah.

Chip, we're gonna chip.

I was thinking, chip.

I'm glad you said it, Jeff.

Who is chip?

Who is the first person to find it?

Yes, Griffin.

God, Griffin.

Do I have to spell it out for you, or do you want it on the ground floor?

Okay, well, there is a difference.

I don't know.

I don't know much about the bird watching hobby.

I don't think grabbing them.

I don't think grabbing them.

You don't grab them.

You use a little hook.

There's watchers and hookers.

There's two different breeds in bird watching, okay?

And yeah, we have a lot of fun with that.

Yes, Griffin, before you laugh.

Yes.

Like hookers, okay?

We're job creators.

Yeah, yeah.

Every

position, every bird you hook earns you one bird coin.

And that's not a hobby, right?

That's a profession.

Yeah, that's an obligation.

What do you do with bird coins?

Well, you can spend them on skins for your avatar.

Fuck.

Or skin.

Yeah, or skin.

Bird skin, the best.

The bird hooking doesn't always go smoothly.

You take those skins home.

You fry them up nice for your kids.

They're going to love that.

They're going to think they're having a bad thing.

Today's sponsor is Bird Skins, the best.

Don't throw those things away.

No.

Don't.

The birdskins.

Whenever you buy birds, whenever you buy skinless chicken breasts at the store, you got to think, oh man,

because they're not selling big shrink-wrapped packs of skin.

I just want the skin.

That's why my new company is so powerful.

We're turning them into chips.

Nondos gets really frustrated with me when I roll up, like, let me just get the skin.

Yeah.

They say, that's not possible, sir.

Then what are they doing with it?

Are they using it for bird coin?

They're doing something with it, and they're not fucking telling the rest of us.

Wait, are they trying to undermine my business?

You guys have a Nondos?

Or is that just you ever have a cheeky nons?

No?

Damn.

I love to have a cheeky nons that sounds great uh

recently at my work a local karate dojo paid to set up a table and prize wheel to advertise the new clients i spun the wheel when asked yeah mainly be polite since i'd be in the lobby with them for the next eight hours i won a karate patch

But then they asked me to give my phone number and set a date and time to collect it along with two weeks of free karate.

Nice try.

They couldn't bring the patch with them?

No, it's heavy.

brothers i have no time or desire for karate classes but now i keep getting texts from them about how they can't wait to see me and the other winners they printed us name tags and everything i didn't even win the bow staff or the nunchucks

how to avoid karate peer pressure that's from no new gee in new jersey which is good

very good man are they gonna excellent are they gonna teach you how to fight using the patch because if a bow staff and nunchucks were available and a patch perhaps it will be some sort of like yes it seems like a simple patch but it can also be thrown.

I mean, think about it.

You can't just give someone a patch for your dojo without knowing that they aren't going to be responsible practitioners of this martial art.

Or at least be a good face for the dojo.

Yeah.

If there's a bar fight, somebody steps up, and I'm like, oh, this guy is going to protect me.

He's got a karate patch on.

And then he gets slid down the bar like an old-timey Western bad guy and like he smashes all the glasses out of the way.

And I'm like, that dojo sucks.

They can take the patch and sew it on the back of their members-only jacket, and then go out to the local bar and just start spin-kicking people.

Yeah, that's gonna look terrible for your form's gonna be bad, even worse

as just as Travis has suggested.

They're wearing a karate patch, and you're like, Yeah, I saw this guy is absolutely handed to at the bar.

They took him in the bathroom, kicked him a hundred times, made him eat a urinal cake, and he had this patch on.

And I was like, must be a pretty shitty dojo.

Every time I'm at a farmer's market, and I see almost always a dentist with like a little tent set up and he's like, you got, we got prizes.

You guys like fidget spinners?

It's like, nice fucking try.

This is, that is, especially when you're walking around with your kids.

All they see a big spinning wheel and prize.

And we're five feet away from the human being at the table.

And my kids are like, oh, I want to spin the wheel.

And I have to, like, I have to shut that down without saying, because this is a scam.

Stop indoctrinating my kids into your cult of dental wellness.

It's mostly made up.

And that's a big thing.

For some reason, for me, Griffin, it's always gutter services.

There are people who will do gutters and they're like, spin the wheel and you'll get a piece of bubblegum and I'll get all of your daddy's info and dox him.

Yeah.

I think we've covered on this show before how my slide into financial instability began with me getting a free hat at a Reds game for a credit card application that my mom told me I shouldn't have signed up for.

She was right.

So

I got tricked by that and then i whoopsies flash forward to i'm in college and things are going pretty bad for me now here's all i'll say about that little scam that i got ripped into versus the this karate scam

which is maybe a scam maybe it's a great business idea i don't know it depends on if it works on you or not but that's the nature of scam it did not when i went through my experience my trial it did not equip me with the tools to make sure that i was never a victim again right sure

like that the obvious

it made me more of a victim.

Yeah.

At least if you get, if you get bullied, if this works on you, you need it.

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah.

If you, if this sales pitch works on you, you do not have the inner confidence of a karate master.

If Justin were to get bullied in his 30s, he wasn't able to say, like, hot, jerk's on you.

I have crippling financial debt.

And then you

could advance.

You know what I could say, Travis?

I have a blue belt in Taekwondo, and I'm never going back.

Never.

It's too hard.

i have an old reds baseball cap somewhere guys i have no idea what to do with this blue belt at this point guys

it doesn't come up as often as you can a year and a half even i remember nothing dude but if i went back in i had to start at white belt i'd lose my fucking mind but you must now i'm just stuck i can never go back you must understand that of all the things that the three of us have kind of picked up and then set down as we went on our merry way, You are the only one with any kind of prowess, I think, that will make you useful

when the shit hits the fan.

I want you in my corner.

I can't be like, yeah, guys, do you want to know about making hard candy?

I got to say, Griffin, Travis and I know how to cut a lot of stuff in a lot of different ways.

That's true.

That's a good point.

I know how to hit really hot metal with a hammer.

But Justin, here's the thing.

Right now, yeah, sitting here in your comfy podcast chair in your comfy podcast studio, you don't remember it.

What you need to do is get yourself in a high tension, high adrenaline situation, and it's all going to come flooding back to you.

Now, I have to warn you, Justin, there is a 5% chance that it will not all come flooding back to you.

And I'm going to say, Justin, it's not 5%.

It's like 79%.

You will die.

But

if it all comes flooding back to you, baby, you'll feel alive for maybe the first time ever.

New business idea.

Okay.

It's a business business.

Beat up, Justin.

Teaches you, beat up just fight Justin for money online.

New business idea is a business that teaches people how to not get scammed and ripped off by predatory farmers market vendors.

And then also teaches them how to fight really well to kick ass in case they do get slipped up.

And

the business is called Scamwise Slam G.

And G is me.

That's my new name is Scamwise Slam G.

And I love that Kerbin.

And if you get, if I get you, yeah,

if I get you at the farmer's market, then I say, like, this is bad for you.

This is an expensive program.

But no, so you're like getting them to do it, and then you're like, that was a mistake.

That was a little bit more.

That was only have to do.

Maybe they only have to do it until they can get the next person to do it.

You know what I mean?

Like, you just get the next person to sign up, you're off the hook.

That's interesting.

And then they're stuck.

Now, what if each person you got?

Yeah, right, paid you a dollar.

Justin, this is an exciting new business shape that you're describing.

Kind of

like a rhombus.

Yes.

I call it the half diamond.

I don't know how to fight.

Okay.

Just say that.

Okay.

Here is a question.

If you were to pursue some means of self-defense, and I was like, Griffin, you got to sign up for self-defense elective this year.

Send jokes out of the room.

Where do you think you would be best best?

Like, where do your strengths lie?

And don't say

capoeira because that would be a joke, and I'll know it.

Okay, so don't say capoeira.

Well, that sucks, dude, because that's the right answer, and it is what I'd say, but it's not like

a cool answer.

That's a cool answer, but you, there's you know that if you were to go to capoera class and then come to my brother, my brother, and be like, guess what, guys?

I'm a capoera master.

Like, it would be good for your brand, but it would take a very long time for it to be reached.

This is mine straight up.

And I think I'd have to build from here, but I don't think it would be physical so much as it would be mental.

I would have to be trained to take a lot of pain and punishment because I don't think I'd win in the fight so much as I think I'd be able to tire them out by just letting them hit me a lot until they didn't feel good about what they were doing anymore.

That's a costly delay.

It'll work.

It'll work at some cost.

As you guys know, I took the skills I learned as an Olympic-led judo master into the boardroom.

But then I got so good at using those judo skills in the boardroom that i didn't have to do judo anymore i just had the business stuff going on

yeah i would like to pitch a new series a sequel series to cobra kai all right in which i saw a new dojo emerges okay where cobra kai is strike hards who strike first strike hard something like that right when this new

should know what it is you've seen that show more than anyone else i know that's true um and this new dojo though is like well we're gonna strike before you, Cobra Kai.

And they start showing up at Cobra Kai's house before the matches and punching Cobra Kai there.

Yeah.

And they're really well funded, this dojo, right?

The guy who runs it, his name is Joe, and he's really, really rich.

It's Joe Doe's dojo.

Do they teach judo there?

It's

Joe Doe's Judo Dojo Jojo.

Joe Doe's Judo Jojo.

One more time, Graham.

Get it clean.

Joe Doe's

Joe Doe's Judo Dojo.

Yes, there we go.

Yeah, this is a good show.

I would watch this.

Who's in it?

Who have we got attached?

Seth Rogan.

Machio's down.

Seth Rogan, Ralph Machio.

I didn't say Ralph.

No, I didn't say Ralph.

Sorry, sorry.

Which Machio?

Hachi Machio.

You got Hachi Machio?

Machio's.

Machio's involved.

Machio ran the bad.

We got the family.

The Machio family.

Okay, Seth Rogan voices the dog.

It'd be a kick-ass episode of Cobra Kai if they were nervous about the big fight coming up.

And then so they snuck into one of their opponents' houses and put an actual Cobra in bed with them.

Oh, Griffin,

oh, Griffin, they've they've certainly done that.

There's lots of snake intimidation factor used.

Talk about it.

Is there actually a lot of Cobra work in Cobra Kai?

Yeah, multiple Cobras appear throughout the day.

Here's a Cobra Kai RPG.

I feel like we're missing a trick here, guys, for not having our own dojos.

There's a

Cobra Kai ARG, but

that's just getting beat up by teens.

Here's the first first clue: kicking.

I've solved it.

Kick yourself up.

Kickyourself.org.

Anita Reynolds, kickyourself.org forward slash 739.

I don't have time to do that.

Is there a second dot in there?

Yeah.

I don't have time to do the kick yourself eco hunt.

I'm just going to wait for the four-hour explainer videos that come out in a couple years.

Hey, thank you so much for listening to our podcast i really enjoy this has been a stressful week for me at the theater uh but uh this has been a very enjoyable respite from that why is it stressful you ask well we're doing uh the prom

this uh summer it's going to be that's a musical i should make it clear i also did not realize that it was a musical i thought justin was hosting some sort of independent prom no it's a fantastic musical it's going to be huntington ritterpark amphitheater uh uh at the shows at 8:30.

There's a pre-show before, I'm pretty sure.

And you can search for tickets on Facebook or there's

what days are this.

It's this weekend as you're listening to this, right?

So it's June.

I got to get a calendar.

Hold on.

This is ridiculous.

I used to be a professional.

Listen, guys.

Listen.

I freaking messaged it.

Are you listening?

Like the 12th?

It's the 13th, 14th.

It's the 13th, 14th, and 15th.

And then the 20th, 21st, 22nd.

Come on out.

Speaking of coming on out,

next week.

Come on out.

Next week, June 19th and 20th, we're going to be in Columbus, Ohio, doing Taz and My Brother, My Brother, and Me at Origins Game Fair,

doing another Taz vs.

live show, I believe, Taz vs.

Midsummer Night's Dream.

If you're coming to that My Brother, My Brother and Me live show and you have a question that you want answered, make sure to email it to nbnbam at maximumfun.org and put Columbus in the subject line.

Also, later this year, we're coming to California, Texas, Georgia, and Utah.

All Taz shows will be Taz voices except for the Anaheim Taz Show, which will be Dadlands, GM'd by Brennan Lee Mulligan.

Tickets for all shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly slash MacElroyTours.

We got some new merch in this merch store over at macrowaymerch.com, including a Monster Factory sticker set that I adore.

It was designed by Willow Quillen.

You can check that out and all of our merch over at macroymerch.com.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Transgender Law Center.

Also, thanks to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You.

It's probably the greatest song ever written, and we're extraordinarily lucky to be able to use it.

So thanks to Montane.

Can I read the fear this week?

I would absolutely.

Okay.

This year I will be faster than my fear of when the cardboard biscuit tube pops open.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

That's real.

Indeed.

My name name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

Kiss Your Dad square the lunch.

It's better with you.

My life, oh.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life, oh.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with two.

I love

our

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