MBMBaM 765: Face 2 Face: Ethics of Pissin' in Da Car

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Justin insists he's a Czechs spurt, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I say only so the babies out there listening know how cool they are for listening.

Take it away.

What's up, you cool babies?

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

I,

it's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life, I'm better with you.

Hello, everybody, welcome to my brother.

My brother being at my show for the Montreal Era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your middlest brother, Travis Vroom, Vroom, McElroy.

And I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin, Bill Ford, to McElroy.

I wish we had the courage of our convictions to have not just come out on stage.

and made everybody here just have to buy a ticket to watch an older man eat cereal.

I feel like that would have been the moment we escalated to high conceptual art.

I do wonder, could we have come out at that point and just been like the rehearsal and then gone home?

Yeah.

You guys just got rehearsal.

There would have been a moment where you guys were watching it, right?

And like if it had gone, let's say it went 15 minutes, right?

And you're like, oh, this is like an intro bit, right?

And then what if it went 25 minutes?

Yeah.

And then 30, and suddenly it's like 90 minutes.

And then just the stage lights go out, house lights come up.

I did.

I was backstage, and this is really the thought I was having.

I'm having the strangest dream right now.

I'm in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I'm dressed like Speed Racer.

And my co-host is there, and also my dad randomly.

And I am going to go on stage, but I can't go on stage yet.

Yeah.

And they're eating cinnamon toast crunch, but it's pizza flavored.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know what that means, Doctor.

What you guys could not see is backstage.

The three of us were walking back and forth behind the curtain, waiting to go on.

And it worked out so it was like Justin and Griffin on one track and me in the middle going opposite directions.

Just nervously.

Like a cartoon.

It was beautiful.

I'm sorry, people in the front row, you probably didn't know you were signing up for such a close and personal cereal, old man eating cereal experience.

I hope a lot of the milk didn't end up in his facial hair.

I was worried about that.

You know how he eats

with his mouth.

This is an advice show.

Come on.

Y'all are wilding out.

It's good.

It's good advice.

I'm glad you're ready for it because we're going to help a lot of people tonight.

We've got questions from you in the audience.

If you have questions from us to you.

To you.

And you're going to be able to submit yours and come up later in the show.

And imagine.

Not on stage.

Justin said, up, you're not coming on this fucking stage.

Don't you dare.

We've been doing this shit for like 19 years now.

You know, Paul, we've got a stronger Paul that stops people from doing that.

So watch out or you'll meet tough Paul.

We're going Paul the wall.

You can't get past this, Paul.

He's Paul's big brother.

Paul's older brother, Paul, with four A's.

Sometimes big brother Paul Wall is sick and little Paul has to be the wall.

It doesn't go as good.

No, then he's more of a gate, but it is.

The hinges are rusty so it's hard to open yeah it's tough when the whole thing hinges on him

my my family

my family member suffered a heart issue while mowing his lawn ultimately causing him to be in a wheelchair recently he's pretty funny so far

it gets better

recently he has passed away due to these

just letting us know.

Sometimes we like to use the email as a newsletter for people to let us know what happened in their life vis-a-vis family member demise.

Congratulations to the Grand Rapids High School class of 2025, by the way.

That's part of it, is us announcing that.

Rehearsal.

Yes.

No, so recently they passed away, but it was due to those complications.

From the heart attack on the law.

From the heart attack on the yeah, okay.

I have the heart attack on the riding lawn mower.

It's been so long before Chekhov's gun was put out there.

Well, we're going to return to that concept right now because I have an old push lawn mower that takes me hours to mow my lawn.

While they had one of those sweet zero-turn radius riding lawn mowers with attachments, I could save so much time and energy with one of these puppies.

How long is the standard grieving process before I can ask to purchase this bad boy from family?

That's from Mowing in Northern Michigan.

Are you here?

Yup.

You know, can I say,

we rarely have to say this.

I'm glad you're still here and haven't been killed by the haunted riding lawn mower yet.

I also, I want to say, if I were a director, I couldn't have told you how to deliver that yup.

And then you did it.

And I thought

do it nailed it that was the exact perfect line read of a response to this question before we get started on a scale of one to ten how allowed are we to make jokes in I hope it's ten

I guess it's I want you to factor in your closeness to this family member no why are you doing this they did that math before they sent it the deal has been signed I guess that's fair the pact has been has been made oh

must be tough looking at that riding lawnmower all day

so many memories you know what you know what i'm gonna do for you guys take that bad boy off your hands i i um

if you i don't know maybe this is just west virginia family thing i don't know but if the riding lawnmower is the nicest non-home non-car thing they owned

It's not that you're being crass.

It's that I don't think you've been crass enough.

I believe two family members are already fighting about this thing.

Yeah, for sure.

Guaranteed.

When they found out they were sick, there's a part of it who's like, man, they've been so much to me.

Can I be the sort of person that owns a riding lawnmower?

Yeah.

Like, they've already started picturing it.

Like, maybe that could be me.

Such a fucking bummer.

I'm going to just put this quarter right here on top of this riding lawn mower.

Also, even though the owner-operator of the lawnmower has passed away, the lawn's still there, right?

They still might have need of it.

You should start mowing the lawn with that riding lawn mower.

Yeah.

And wear their clothes.

We were all thinking it.

We weren't.

Okay, I didn't say that part because everybody seemed to like it before then.

So let's.

Okay.

So you're not

wearing their clothes.

No.

Just the hat.

But that's for some

protection.

That's not weird.

That's some protection.

And their glasses, which are prescription and you don't need them.

But it's nice.

It's nice.

Say you're trying to recreate the incident for evidence purposes.

If you're reenactment.

You're filing a class action lawsuit against John Deere himself.

You're going to get his ass.

If you continue to, if you started mowing

your relatives' lawn that passed away, and then you just continue to grow your concentric circles and expanding radii, eventually you will be at your house.

Yeah, yeah.

Right?

Eventually you will be mowing your little point turn.

You're going to get some clean lines.

Yeah,

you're going to mow some street.

That's unavoidable in Justin's plan.

And maybe some cars, Sabiva, who knows?

But it's worth it.

I think you could maybe talk to the other family members and say, maybe if you made that rotting lawnmower mine, maybe you don't have to worry about your lawn for a little bit.

Maybe that's going to be your beak wet.

Maybe if you slide the lawnmower my way, maybe you don't have to cut grass for 12 months.

And then if they come to you and try and enforce it, be like, do you want me to fucking die?

This is the riding lawnmower that kills people, sis.

I'm protecting you.

I'm protecting you and myself by not getting on this death trap.

I think it just looks cool.

Yeah.

The aesthetics are what does it for me.

It's a decoration piece.

Would you like another question, boys?

I'd love one.

Yeah, here it comes.

I often go to the local movie theater by myself.

When I did

put such weird judgmental emphasis on it?

Okay, let me try again.

Sorry.

I often go to the local movie theater by myself.

Also unnecessary.

Okay.

I often go to the local movie theater

by myself.

Great.

When I do, I order my ticket ahead of time and pick a seat that has space around it.

It's the only safe thing to do.

But sometimes when I arrive, there's someone already sitting right next to me.

Brother.

That's the noise of someone who sat down and realized there weren't people sitting next to them at this show.

Yeah.

That person is surrounded by other people, by the way.

No, no question.

Sometimes when I arrive, there's someone already sitting next to me.

Brothers, would it be a breach of etiquette to scoot over a few seats once it's clear they won't be occupied?

How would I go about doing this without offending my movie-going neighbor?

That's from Personal Bubble Boy.

Are you here, Personal bubble boy all right

okay i got your ticket pretty high up in the valve yeah are there eight people around you

yeah

was that a help can i get a

screen can i get a quick wound

can i get a quick wound from the eight people surrounding bubble boy

that's an imposing lot

I have been in a place, I've been there where I've bought my ticket knowing no one was around, even like 10 minutes before the show.

And I get there and there's people sitting next to it.

And the temptation to lean over and say,

Um, that's not your seat.

But then they would say, Oh, sorry, is this your seat?

And you'd say, No, that's the point.

I just know that's no one's seat.

And you were in here when I got here, so you didn't buy the ticket after me, you liar.

There's two possibilities.

One is that they intentionally bought a seat next to you.

Bad.

Sucks.

Hate this.

Hate this.

Second is that they bought a seat far from you and then just didn't take the whole thing that seriously and sat wherever, in which case you were in terrible danger.

Yeah.

Because that's the risk.

You sit down, right?

And you sit down, you realize they're right next to you.

So you scoot one over.

Then they scoot one over to still behind.

Pretty soon you're outside in your car and they're in the passenger seat.

Yeah.

And you fall deeply in love, maybe?

I was going to say,

we got a lot of really spooky chillers.

Where is it?

The guy in the movies here that won't sit still?

There's a

spooky radio honor.

The army of the Midnight Society.

It's the uncle-killing lawnmower.

And the elbow bumper.

I hate having to figure out what seat I'm going to like the best when I'm looking at a screen.

I hate that.

Because I am going to sit in the exact seat that I picked.

But sometimes when I get in there, I don't really like the look of it anymore.

You know, I don't want to sit there anymore.

It seems too big or the screen seems really big from where the noises are too loud.

It's not like that.

It's not unlike that.

It's just saying, like,

that sometimes I want to sit wherever, but

if you go back and you're like, hi, I'd like to file a change order.

They look at you like, hey, as long as we're going off kings, okay.

Well, hold on.

You can't tell yourself to go off king.

I thought we were collectively going off kings.

No, man, you invited Justin to do that, but then you can't step in and be like, I guess we're all going off kings.

Like, you need someone to.

You know how it works because you set Justin up.

No, I said it to him, and then I figured it would just spread.

You all start talking and saying, like, dope shit, and then me and Justin will then back you up.

All three of us are going off kings.

None of us are going off kings.

We can't all three go off kings.

Okay, one of us is going on king.

One of us is going off king.

One of us always tells the truth, king.

Third base.

Give Choice

the shell so he can be going off kings.

It's his turn.

Okay.

You gotta say it.

I don't know if your shit's fear or not.

Why do they make it so hard to tell which seed number goes with which seat?

Okay, hold on, hold on, wait.

Go,

go, go off, go off, king.

Go off, king.

It's so not worth it.

That wasn't cursory, like, go off, king.

I agree.

I wasn't.

Continue on, king, and then

we'll allow it, king.

Can you drag over the theater trash can

to your seat and when you get there and they are also there be like hey i'm so sorry i gotta sit super close to this garbage can

um you may want to scooch down a few now In a way of like, I'm going to be sick or like this garbage can is my friend and I bought him a sick.

Sorry, Travis, if someone comes to you with a garbage can, they've dragged over from the corner of the theater and says, says, hey, King, I'm so sorry.

I need to shoot over here.

I need to sit here with my trash can in immediate proximity.

You're telling me you're going to go, why?

Tell me why now.

No, I'm not saying I would have follow-up questions so much as if I thought they were going to throw up so hard they needed the trash can right next to them, I don't think I'd stay for the movie.

What if they did this?

And they sat in their unauthorized seat next to your authorized seat and then after the film was over, they left their snack receptacles and empty drinks under their seat.

And then, when the staff comes by and they check the computer to see who is sitting there, they're going to assume it was me, right?

Absolutely.

Go off, King.

That I'm getting.

That's how you fucking do it.

Yeah.

You're a giver, Travis.

Thank you, Travis.

What if you walk over there and you just yell, scoot over, King?

Sometimes that tension in real life can make a movie so much sweeter, don't you think?

That's why we go to the movies.

That is why we go to the movies, to be sitted too close to a stranger.

I need you guys' help with something real quick, if I could.

So

I started a company that I call Rhyme Crimes.

Yeah, all right.

And

different organizations and people reach out to me for help.

And the University of Michigan reached out to me.

We never get stories with Travis's bits.

Yeah, the University of Michigan reached out to me.

They said,

do you like them?

It sounded divided.

So they said, we've been doing Wolverines for a while now.

Yeah.

And it's played out.

Okay.

And they want a new mascot and they want my help coming up with it.

Okay.

But the catch is there's a lot of chants that include Wolverine in it.

Okay.

And Wolverines.

So they want it to rhyme with it.

Okay.

So I have some ideas for what the mascot could be, but I just can't put the word to it.

So I'm going to describe my idea for what the mascot could be, and you guys help me figure out what word I'm thinking.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Travis.

Nope.

Backstage.

Travis.

I got this kind of idea for a thing.

Me.

Okay, it sounds like it needs a bit workshop.

Justin, no, King, you will go off.

Okay,

in my defense, in my defense, what was the name of the place we we got dinner from?

I don't know.

I don't know either.

Paul, what was it?

Rome?

Rome.

Okay.

They had this elephant ear, and I was eating it.

And I wasn't really listening

or hearing, I guess you would say,

what Travis was saying.

And I was in a very jubilant mood, so I just wanted to support him as a fellow king.

That's all.

Thank you.

All right.

Okay, so picture this.

The mascot is a team of famous tap dancers

who once started as the MC in Pippin and was in Zubu Mafu.

Yeah.

Okay, the Ben Vereen?

The Ben Vereens, yes.

Wait, it's a game?

Hold on, wait.

There's gamification?

Yes!

Hold on, you didn't say this was a game, Travis.

I thought you wanted some help with a bit.

I didn't know it was a competitive game.

Are there points and shit?

I don't know what you're talking about, Griffin.

Is there prizes and points and shit, man?

Travis, the answer to my question is going to define how much I get into it.

Yeah, there's points and shit.

Fuck yeah, let's go!

Okay, so here's my other idea that I'm big string.

All the football players come in.

Yeah.

Okay.

They're packed in tight together in a small metal container.

Sardines?

Canned sardines?

Yes.

Yeah, all right.

The Michigan canned sardines.

Very good, Griffin.

This feels like a...

Clean enough for TV version of work of fart if we're giving

completely different work of fart is related to great works of art.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is rhyming.

Okay.

I shouldn't reference that bit because it only happens at live shows now, and those do not make the cut, usually.

So now I'm picturing maybe a mascot that's something like

something that Billy Joel would describe as taking place at an Italian eatery.

Fuck, man.

See the scenes from Italian restaurants?

Italian restaurant scenes?

Restaurant scenes.

Restaurant scenes.

Jesus.

Wait, are you submitting that restaurant scenes rhymes with Wolverines?

This explains a lot about.

Say it out loud.

Okay, I just did.

Yeah.

And I think we all made our own judgments, right, game?

This explains a lot.

No, no, no.

Fuck you, King.

Does...

Don't pervert it like that.

That's not how kings do it, Trash.

Fuck off, King.

No.

Does restaurant scenes rhyme with Wolverines?

Cheer for yes.

It's close enough.

If you dropped it in a freestyle, people would be like,

that's good shit.

Okay, I got one more.

Okay.

I'm picturing a football team comes running out.

Okay.

And they've got some all-star players.

Hell yeah.

The quarterback, Kevin James, their safety, Leah Rimney.

Oh, and who's the best?

King of Franks, the University of Michigan King of Queens.

That's it.

Wow.

Griffin wins.

The not game rhyme crime.

It's.

Does it feel the real winner?

It's like good.

It's like halfway there.

It's like halfway there.

This is my business.

Yeah, no, yeah.

What do you mean it's halfway there?

This is with this job that I've gotten from the University of Michigan, I can make all my dreams come true and you're shitting on it in front of all these people?

No, man, I'm helping.

This is help what I'm doing.

This is good feedback.

Justin loaned me $2 million to start this business.

And how are we feeling about that decision and your endorsement of the in my defense?

I was eating an elephant early.

It's a big elephant ear when he asked me for the money.

I do need more money, by the way.

I spent all the time.

I got another elephant ear backstage.

So you're good.

Wait for me.

Intermission.

I work as a nurse's aide in a public school.

Every year, our seventh and eighth graders get to go canoeing at the end of the year.

I love canoeing and desperately want to go on this field trip.

But here's the catch: I can only go if there's sufficient medical need.

How can I convince my boss that I definitely need to go canoeing?

Please, I need this.

That's from critical need for canoeing.

Are you here?

Yeah.

Now,

does it have to be existing medical need or

an abundance of potential medical needs?

That is a tricky game, though, because if you start putting up a bunch of headlines in the principal's office about recent canoeing fatalities, you may just scuttle the whole trip, honestly.

You can only make it seem so dangerous before the principal's like, this is reckless.

You really got to split the uprights.

That's true.

Yeah.

It can't be too dangerous of an event where they're going to like,

but it doesn't have to be, you know, a pecan of danger

a whiff of danger

yeah i think you could work that out how deep's the river this is important you are taking kids in the year 2025 outside they're in danger like

do you we can't keep doing this with our kids guys we can't just take them from YouTube to a river.

Okay.

We can't.

There have to be some steps.

You have to take them like downtown to their aunt's house, some other places, right, outside.

Or like a VR outside experience just to get started.

Keep the bumpers on.

Just have them sit on bench.

Like, they can't go straight to river, okay?

They're going to freak out.

Point at, like, point at iPad and say, cloud?

Cloud.

Cloud.

And start making connections.

Do you feel good about this bit?

Because

I'm just saying.

Not now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I felt pretty good about the cloud thing.

I felt very clever.

What?

Shut down, King.

Should I scoot over closer to Justin?

Or what's going on on that side of the table?

The essential thing is that someone is speaking, Griffin.

That's the only cover.

These people will pay for content, damn it.

They pay.

These privers.

Just back out here with Lord Crunchy Gross cereal.

These people must be satisfied.

I think the work that you do is obviously vital and important.

If there is canoe danger, I don't know that

it satisfies a medical need as much as I need just a big, strong person.

A big, strong person who can swim a big, Paul's big brother on a canoe would be absolutely a dream.

You're on a jet ski, they're on a canoe.

I would trust that.

I'd feel so safe if someone was coming down a river on a jet ski, just whipping shitties around me the whole time.

Whipping shitties?

yeah

that kicks ass I loved it yeah doing donuts but call it whipping shitties it's way better I've never wow I've never heard that before that's really good really cool go off King thank you

yeah you earned that one for sure

I can think of other ways to canoe than having to wheeze the juice of

your school.

There's a pretty good chance that will take away from your peaceful enjoyment of the experience.

I love canoeing.

The only thing that would make it better is if there were like 75, 12 year olds with me.

Whose lives were in my hands.

But whose behavior wasn't.

Yeah.

Sometimes I see people at like a theme park that are corralling like 36th graders and I get so scared.

I start thinking about like being that one person who's like, I guess they're all here.

Like it's terrifying.

I also have just thought about, I doubt very much with the state of things that they get paid extra to take all those kids with them and it's not like hazard pay they should get hazard if I'm you get a percent you have to clear 80% of the kids have to make it back

that's the deal if you get 80%

children left behind

as long as it's the shitty ones

you know like Derek I was gonna

I was gonna say

forgive my ignorance, I was gonna say, I doubt they're gonna take them on a particularly wet and wild course on this canoeing field trip for children.

But then I did remember the name of this city is Grand Rapids,

which seems to suggest that maybe they do go pretty hog wild out there.

Or it could be they're all made of like glowing, beautiful crystal, but they're easy to get over.

They're simple rapids, but damn, are they good to look at?

I'm a simple rapid.

One time, Justin and I went whitewater rafting and almost died.

Yeah.

And we were like children, but like adult-aged children,

if you will.

And so, if it's anything like that, it's not safe.

It's not safe.

Don't do it.

I almost died.

My older brother saved me.

Where were you?

I did it once with a church group, and there was no danger or threat whatsoever.

We were sailing on the good Lord's mercy that night.

It was whitewater rafting.

Sure.

I was a theater kid in high school and college.

During that time, I participated in a mime training summer school.

It's been many years since I last mimed anything.

I heard it genuinely like...

Yeah.

Wow.

But I recently realized one of my former classmates goes to the same climbing gym as me.

We've encountered each other several times, but neither of us has initiated conversation or acknowledged the other's presence.

Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy and fun to be around, but now I feel too awkward to break the silence.

how could i climb in peace without him noticing me that's for mason the former mime in michigan are you here

why would you break the silence right

what the fuck there's a code man yeah mason that was that was actually a test and you just failed it your mime teacher just stands up and goes

Can you imagine, though, when being a former mime, that first moment when you break your vow of mime silence, how good it feels to just bust right there with a sound

to sound bust bah you probably i would hit them with like a bah ah yeah

i have a question this mime training course what were they training the mimes to do miming probably

oh okay i thought it was like a workplace safety thing or like hr or some shit

all right mimes get together we've had a lot of complaints lately

Mime jokes aren't working in an audio setting.

Hey, wicked don't, we're realizing.

Yeah, this one's not going to make the final cut, is it?

Can you...

Oh, gosh.

Can you do mime tricks and then just wait and do them pretty publicly?

Do mime tricks.

Mime tricks.

I don't know what they fucking want to do.

Well, you can fake throw a ball and see if they catch it.

That's a good starting point.

Yeah.

But it might take a minute.

You're like, and they're like, and you're like, damn, you got to be pretty sure that's them, though, huh?

Hey, hey, you got to be, hey, you got to be fucking sure, dude.

You cannot be doing mime tricks at someone you think is your old mime friend.

Also, were they good at mime?

Even if it was them, you throw the ball and they like at least hits them in the face.

You're like, no.

Sorry, Trav, do you think being good at mime means you catch the invisible ball?

If you're good at mime.

I was thinking of improv.

Yeah.

Well, you don't leave him.

Don't leave him hanging.

I mean, I wouldn't leave a fellow mime if he chucked it to me.

I'm going to catch it.

I, when I was in college, I took a masterclass from Marcel Marceau in the art of mime.

And here's how it happened: Marcel Marceau came to my college, and the boss of our college said, Marcel Marceau is going to teach a masterclass.

And if you missed that, I just don't know what to tell you.

The boss of your college said that the dean of the college

acting

said that if you missed that masterclass with Marcel Marceau, I just don't know what to tell you.

So I showed up to the masterclass with Marcel Marceau, the greatest mime ever.

And here's what I'm waiting for.

Hold on, Justin.

Walking.

Thank you.

At the end of it, I can remember, my main takeaway was I thought there would be more practical entry-level mime instead.

He assumed a great deal of mime experience that I did not possess, and it was a great deal more theoretical that I could really utilize.

We kind of very much undermined the idea of a masterclass, haven't we?

Yeah, I would say I undermined it, and I

would get an Oscar for that.

But yeah, that was so basically anything that I've said in this question is accurate.

Because of that, I'm the only one who has trained with moms.

Well, show us some of the stuff you learned.

Again, I have already established that

the only moms I've ever liked.

Get in a box.

Get in a box, King.

I like the Christian.

Get in a box, King.

Okay, I'll try.

I'll see what I remember.

It's kind of like a...

Yeah.

Okay.

He sets down his speed eraser helmet.

All right.

All right.

Okay.

Here he comes walking.

Oh, he's doing a little fucking wiggle.

Oh, yeah.

He's way killing it.

Oh, he found his helmet.

Oh, look, there's his helmet.

He's going to grab that.

Oh, no.

It It zapped him?

No, I think it's stuffy.

It's heavy.

It's too heavy.

He's trying really hard.

I can see Marcel's ghost.

Oh, no.

He shit himself.

He snaps his fingers.

Where's the box?

Oh, there it is.

He got.

He forgot about the box for a second.

He's leaning on.

He's leaning on.

How is he doing that?

Oh, no.

He's getting in a womb?

What is he getting in?

He's rebirthing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, he's ace venturing.

Yeah, he's bowing.

Great job.

Hey, dude.

Yeah.

Fucking nailed it.

Thanks.

You did fucking great.

Thanks, man.

I feel really good.

I was ready to make fun of you, and then you did a really good job.

It was like Marcel Marceau was sitting on your shoulders, pulling your hair to make you do the all the way.

He's more like Marcel Marceauso, and you're Marcel Margaret, King.

We got it.

Hey, actually, I'm going to say we can't say King Marcel.

Can I save one more to the end of the show?

Yeah, but it better be good.

Yeah.

I'm just going to use it now, King.

My genuine take on the last segment is thus.

While doing it, I began to feel very relieved that I was being entertaining without having to speak.

And I wished in that moment that I had a deeper repertoire of things I could do physically that would be entertaining to people.

You know what I mean?

Like, I get juggling now.

Sure.

If you want to take a break from doing jokes and entertaining people, at least you can throw throw some stuff around.

Yeah, just take it easy for a bit and throw stuff around.

Was there a moment, Josephine, when you started it and you're like, I don't know.

And then halfway through, you're like, I'm pretty fucking good at this.

No, no, no.

It was, I had the full arc of I'm not good at this.

Oh, I think I might be good at this.

Oh, you actually don't know if you're good at it or not.

Actually, you should sit down.

Art is a lie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about another question?

I'm 28 years old, and I started work at a new company a few months ago.

Everyone at my job is much older than me.

That's not like 40 or something.

Gross.

That's not normally a problem, but everyone is super nice.

But there's one small issue.

Coworkers keep asking me about trends and slang that their kids and grandkids are using.

Sometimes they even show me videos of TikTok dances and they're doing to ask what it means.

I've literally never been cool or on social media ever.

I've never used TikTok.

I have no idea what their grandkids are doing online.

How do I show my coworkers that I'm not that interesting?

I have no idea what a beast game is.

That's from wildly out of her depth in Waterford.

Are you here?

Let's go.

Let's go.

I was going to say that being on social media and being cool are mutually exclusive.

But then I also remembered I'm 41, and maybe I don't get to make that judge.

No, you do not, sir.

Dang, you're 41.

Yep, only a couple years left.

Sheesh.

Of being cool and young, I mean.

I feel like you have a responsibility to learn this stuff for your audience.

Listen, your brain is ready to accept this information on a level that their extremely old brains cannot process.

Do you, you know, they remember when there was like big bands on TV and stuff?

Like,

they can't understand Mr.

Beast, a man whose whole career is just giving Arby sandwiches to people.

They can't possibly.

Their Mr.

Beast was Lawrence Welk.

You know what I mean?

Like, that was their.

Their Mr.

Beast was Lawrence Welk.

Our Mr.

Beast is a man that hands out Arby sandwiches, stuff full of $100 bills to everyone in the entire city or whatever.

That's my favorite.

That's my favorite hit.

I don't know why he does it driving down the street at 70 miles an hour, but.

Yeah, yeah.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, he just, we got the beast.

I heard that the Arby's hit sandwich hit somebody so hard it cured their colorblindness.

If you killed them, but

if you learn all this and begin to apply it in your life, you have you are willingly joining the

losing team, I will say.

And if you teach these older folks how to then go up to their grandkids and be like, pretty,

I can't even fucking come up with one.

Pretty skibbity, my ribs.

nailed it

i think you're doing

hey whoa wait hold on really

the state or the

university can we unpack this

both hold on hey if we could just take a hey let's just take a beat because it's getting a little fucking heated in the room right now yeah let's just take a beat right now can i ask one question to kind of chill things out a little bit yeah sure do ohio drivers come over here and fuck everything up or is that just

welcome we have this in west virginia too we should get a pimpal thing going yeah

the absolute works right i'm gonna get

there's an important question i have to ask but you like cincinnati though right

hey

and then let me try you guys don't actually like cincinnati right

It's more people.

I don't really like Cincinnati.

Listen, you can't say that.

No, I love Cincinnati.

Please don't come for me.

Do you hate its diverse biomes, you fucking lunatic?

I think what it is is Griffin.

He touches the Great Lakes, too.

You're like brothers.

Stop.

Listen, stop.

This is not going to get Cincinnati.

Listen, this is not working.

The thing is, the problem is Griffin doesn't live in a state, so he's very jealous.

Taxation without representation.

Yeah.

The idea that you can live in a state, like just the itty state, is so cool.

It's buzzing out.

I think it's not a big deal.

Our fucking state Griffin lives in is the state of denial yeah

our fucking rival city is Dollywood

the closest man like it's you guys in the Vatican

and let we're in the lead right now is

dead

I guess so

So I've got it says taxation without resultation on your license plate.

Yeah, it sure does.

It's the only place the license plate basically says we've been cooked it just says right on there

it's also the ones that people who make that decision have to see every day and they look at it go well off yeah man it's a whole thing

normally we want people to clap at the end of act one but i think we should probably leave in silence this time and you know what Here's what I'm going to say.

Justin and I get to leave first.

Graham has to count to five.

And then he can leave.

He can leave.

Please don't push.

We have posters.

They're by Samara Jethwell.

Look at them.

They're great.

They're fucking so radical.

This is your chance to buy them.

Only chance.

Please send us questions that we can consider in the next half of the show.

We're going to take a brief intermission.

We're going to be reading them backstage, so please send those.

Oh, yeah.

Don't forget, we have a challenge going out there for the Pulse of Orion, excuse me, Paul Savorian Memorial Campfood Drive.

I forgot we did that since the last tour, and I just cracked myself up looking at it.

But we are donating the proceeds of that to Feeding American West Virginia, West Michigan.

God damn it.

All right.

Make sure you check that out.

Just and I are going to leave the stage.

Griffin, once we've left our seats, you count to five and then you get to go.

All right, man.

Weird vibe.

All right, my man.

One, two,

three, four, five.

Thank you all.

We'll be right back.

Hey, brothers.

Hi, Travis.

Hi, Travi.

Hi, everybody.

We're here in St.

Paul.

And, you know, that reminds me of another saint.

A little saint called St.

Rocket Money.

Oh, I remember him from the Catholic Bible.

Of course.

His miracle?

Well, that's canceling unwanted subscription services.

Sorry, Dad is here because we're recording these ads right after sound check, and dad's here, and his laughter just got on the

market.

No, it's okay.

He's just you can be in the Rocket Money ads.

I love the Ed McMahon energy you're bringing to it.

Yeah.

Anyways, St.

Rocket Money saved millions of people money.

Um, and he could do the same for you if you let him into your heart.

Because Rocket Money is both a saint and a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and believers and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features.

And you could just put that right into your tithe.

Yeah.

Right in your tithing.

You can give it right back to him.

He loves it.

So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with the Rocket Money.

Download the Rocket Money app and enter my show name, my show name, my brother, my brother, and me, in the survey so they know I sent you.

Don't wait.

Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about that from our show.

Dear Macros, I didn't think we at Rocket Money didn't think we were going to like the religious thing, but by the end of it, we liked it a great deal.

Yeah, we were into it.

And here's one: Stamps.com actually read ahead and said, no religious stuff in ours, please.

Yeah, it says agnostic as hell, please.

Yeah, so when you're enjoying your secular workday

and you're not being swayed.

Maybe even on Sunday or Saturday because you don't care what

you do not care because those are just normal secular days for you.

But you need to send off some mail, but you don't feel like going to the post office.

I've been there.

I mean, not my experience has been a little bit more faith-based, but I've been there.

I feel like sometimes just mailing a letter is pretty magical when you think about it.

How's it get there?

Nobody knows.

No one knows.

Well, Stamps knows.

In a sense, stamps and letters stand in defiance of prayer.

That's true.

They're earthly prayer if you think about it.

Oh, yeah, they're loving it.

With stamps.com, tedious tasks like sending certified mailer packages can be done on your time, not someone else's.

They handle all your mailing and shipping needs whenever, whenever, wherever.

However, who done it.

However, who done it?

You done it.

They won't ship Flat Stanley.

Don't, though.

Don't even ask.

Don't even try to ship your little brother.

Access to all the USPS and UPS services you need to run your business right from your computer or phone, anytime, day or night, no lines, no traffic.

It couldn't be easier.

Plus, you get rates you won't get anywhere else, like up to 88% off USPS and UPS.

Amazing.

You can have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com.

Just like Flat Stanley.

He has stood motionless watching the entire

stats just judging.

His Hands on a microphone ready to give feedback.

So I'm sadly ready.

He's about to send it home.

Have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com.

Sign up at stamps.com and use code MyBrother for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale.

No long-term commitments or contracts.

Just go to stamps.com, code my brother.

Aw

man.

There it is.

Perfect.

Thank you, Daddy.

Hey, before you go,

don't leave.

Don't leave.

Sit down.

Because we have some news for you.

We want to tell you about all the exciting stuff we got going on, including some live shows that we have coming up in Columbus, Ohio, and Anaheim in Sacramento, and Texas, and a bunch of other places.

You can get tickets and links over at bit.ly slash McElroy Tours.

And it's a new month, so make sure you go over to MacaroyMerch.com, check out the new stuff there.

Yep.

That's it, I think.

Is there anything else, man?

Also, you're great.

Never give up.

Never give up.

Take a deep breath.

Let it out.

Go away.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

All right.

Welcome to Haunted Doll Watch.

For today, I'd like to introduce you to a new seller that's been burning up the charts.

I'll be playing Dark Magi.

There are charts?

Yeah, man.

Today, I'll be playing Dark Magi 38 in this skit.

First, can we do it like that?

You guys like pretend with me too?

I love pretending.

Okay, hi, I'm Dark Magi 38, and these are all my spells what's your real name

cool name dude gurry gurry gregory gurry nice no sorry gurry is their last name got you

first

first up in my list of spells i got a haunted doll activation dude are you telling me you got a doll

Are you telling me you got a doll and it's not haunted enough for your taste?

Well, good news.

I can infuse a vessel with spirit energy.

Fuck yes, finally.

Oh, yeah.

Do you have a spirit doll, vessel, figure, or item you wish to activate?

Look at that doll.

So plain, so unhaunted.

This haunted doll activation ritual is designed to spiritually awaken your chosen object.

Wake up!

Get up!

I know you're in there.

Come on.

And it turns it into a paranormal companion, familiar, or conduit for metaphysical communication.

What about bad roommate?

Will it do that for me?

Because a lot of the time the haunted dolls we hear turn lights on and off and call it.

Are you asking for the types of spirits available?

Because I, Dark Magi 38, have a wide range.

Yes, please.

Dark Magi 38.

Tell us of your way.

Oh, did you notice what happened to the other 37 Dark Magi?

The different spirits that can smoosh in your doll include Guardian spirits.

Cool.

Watchers.

What's the difference?

I think you know exactly what

the guardian will intervene to save you.

The watcher's like, sorry, that happened.

One of them has to watch.

One of them likes to watch.

I could do childlike echo spirits.

No, thanks, man.

Like a wiener dog, a sword, which is familiars.

Witch, past life.

Sorry, those are my balloon animals.

I got confused.

Witches familiars, past lives, soul fragments.

I do a lot of fraud.

I'm on my own past life.

Yeah, well, whatever past life you want to put in there, if you just want to put your first 30 years just to store them in some doll nearby, that's no problem.

sick it's a usb stick yeah i can do custom requests too now i need i need three things can you guess what they are the money the money nope nope money and the doll is hold on wait the doll's not one of the three things just need a photo of that thank you a photo will suffice i do not need you to send me the doll just a photo of the dollar smart that's smart a crystal of some sort nope type of energy or purpose you'd like the spirit to serve and then they need your name and intention oh okay it's all non-physical things that don't require shipping of any sort, right?

No problem.

Then it's all done remotely, which is whoa, yeah, because the internet age is incredible.

Yeah, so you know, you used to do these in person until COVID-19.

Yeah,

so there's nothing at all to ship.

I could tell that I'm not really making much of an impact here, so maybe we could take a different kind of a pact, maybe a blood pact.

What a big jump!

In case you you were uncertain as to what blood is and comes from,

can I just say, before you tell us what this is all about, if you were to ask me what the price should be on a blood pact sold online, I would probably have said $120 or best offer.

Thank you.

It's high, but it's high enough that I believe it works, not too high that I'm going to say no.

Yeah, we pride ourselves on our pricing.

So thank you.

I'm so glad that that works for you.

So

this is you're going to forge an unbreakable bond with the divine or infernal forces through our blood pact with only $120 American dollars.

This ritual is a profound commitment that offers immense power, protection, or knowledge in exchange for your devotion and loyalty.

Honestly, when you think about it that way, $120 is a small price to pay.

Wait, compared to Merchai 38, kind of seems like I'm already paying this.

Now, it is a lot of people get that confused.

I'm more of a middleman.

You're giving me the $120.

You're giving the demon your devotion and soul, I guess.

I'm not a big demon guy.

Yeah.

Just to jump ahead a little bit, Magi 38.

Does this involve me?

Dark Magi 38, please.

Magi 38 is my nice brother.

Okay, sorry, Dark Magi 38.

Thank you.

Does the blood pact involve me shipping you blood in any way?

Gosh, I hope not.

That's such a great question.

I'm going to guess just based off what I learned about you and your frugality from the previous The previous the fact that you haven't bought into stamps.com.

Yeah, there is no physical product.

That said, if you are worried about the effect, I will allow for up to one recast.

Whoa.

So if you feel like the blood pack with the demon didn't take the first time, I'll try again, I guess.

But to be fair, they'll allow for up to four Dreamcasts.

Yeah, shit.

You get four Sega Dreamcasts with this item.

Damn, four Sega Dreamcasts for $120.

Especially if they're functional.

I could fix them up.

Come with VMUs or what's up.

Oh, yeah.

This is your, there's divine or eternal power, infernal power, sorry.

Choose to align with

either a God's holy strength and wisdom or a demon's dark power and forbidden knowledge, shaping your future with their influence.

Which one's better?

Yeah, you choose for me, Dark Magi 38.

Ridiculous choice.

It's our sacred and serious commitment made through a ritual that involves offering a drop of your blood to seal the bond.

The pact is not to be entered lightly as it binds your soul to the chosen entity for life and more importantly, binds your $120 to me.

We're good.

There are no refunds on this whatsoever.

So I assume that you wait until you receive the funds to actually do the ritual.

Yes, that is the

PDF with the instructions to follow at.

No, I promise.

I do the whole thing at home.

You promise?

How do you get my

Whose blood is that?

No, it's just the idea of you have blood, right?

Good enough.

I could see that you guys don't have $120.

Maybe you have $100 in exchange for an angel DNA activation spell.

Now, I'm curious about that.

Whoa.

Now, hold on.

Am I buying an angel DNA activation spell or a fucking Lucifer Marriage ritual?

Now, listen.

Just to keep...

It looks like it's a counter offer.

Yeah, you could get the angel DNA activation spell.

Or...

Can I be honest with you guys?

Let's just keep fucking eBay off my nuts

Because if you say that you're gonna marry the devil they're like well they're gonna

marry somebody whatever so it's just like I just put angel DNA at whatever you're gonna marry Lucifer.

Okay, that's where I'm that's the that's what you're gonna get with this Okay, you're gonna step into the angel DNA I'll be receiving is you got it Hey

Step into a union of unmatched power and passion with our Lucifer marriage ritual spell.

This dark and seductive spell is designed to bind two souls in a marriage blessed by Lucifer, the light bringer.

Whether you seek to deepen your existing bond or forge a new and unbreakable connection.

Now, wait.

Yeah.

Can I offer a lower price to just strengthen the bond I already have or just go with buds who see a movie together sometime?

Like, I'll give you 50 bucks to make us like text occasionally and forgive the respond, Frank.

I'm going to get you the DNA, though, Drav.

I mean, you can, you can't, Lucifer will invoke the blessing and presence of Lucifer to sanctify and empower your union.

So I guess that could be with your buds.

Yeah.

There's a reason Lucifer can't sanctify your fucking settlers of detail right now.

I don't get to marry Lucifer.

Lucifer just says, I'm glad you're married and I like it.

You really think you're enough man for Lucifer?

For a hundred dollars full time you you think no, I don't expect full time from Lucifer.

Lucifer's lucifer's gonna marry a dude that can't pony up 120 bucks for a blood pack all i'm saying is i don't expect him to be mine full time but when he's with me i expect him to be 100 mine yeah

that costs so much

100

i'm only with him 10 minutes a year

Now, I should mention there is no physical product.

Okay.

If you're worried about the effect, I will allow for up to one recast.

Awesome.

And this one does have a small other corollary.

Could take up to two years to take effect.

Yeah

Now so make sure you put something in your calendar, you know, or you might forget that you need to go be mad at this eBay person wait, so I have a follow-up question dark magic 39 I have like five okay when you talk about effect Yeah, if Lucifer is just blessing my marriage is that like we have a fight like six months in and I'm like I don't think that fucking spell worked No, no.

It could take up to two years.

No, what it means that after the fight Lucifer comes to both of you and he's like, hey, I love you two together.

And I hate to see this.

You two are one of my favorite couples.

Yeah.

Please let us know.

Now check me out.

Maybe I could be a third.

I'm seven feet tall and have black leathery wings.

Now check me out while I activate my DNA.

Scrap!

I can see you guys don't like any of this.

I have one more product I'd like to offer you.

Damn, Dark Magi.

That's a lot of products.

Please keep an open mind about my final offer.

That scares me.

That's a...

Show me the picture, Paul.

Let's get them poked.

Yeah,

werewolf spell.

Werewolf spell for

it.

Hey, Dark Magi 38, I can't believe you got that actual picture of a werewolf.

Yeah.

That must have been so dangerous to take that photograph.

It's not just any werewolf spell.

It's a $70 werewolf spell for the bargain conscious.

Fuck yes, dude.

I will perform the casting starting at 11 p.m.

and finishing exactly at midnight.

I will do it every day for seven days for maximum efficacy.

Warning, this is really powerful dark magic.

Yeah, clearly.

Do not have me cast this if you are not sure that you want me to cast this.

To do what?

Turn into a werewolf.

No, it could just be a spell for a werewolf.

It could be a spell about a werewolf.

My werewolf transformation spell, I'm not going to overpromise, guys.

This is my business, okay?

I'm a small business owner, and I'm not going to over-promise.

It offers the extraordinary opportunity to tap into the raw, untamed power of the legendary werewolf.

The spell is designed for those who seek not only a transformation of the body, but also a path to immortality.

Good, yeah.

Was I burying the lead with the immortality thing?

Mayhaps, mayhaps, mayhaps.

Dark Magic 38, are there refunds?

Uh, well, are you asking about one recast?

This connection is breaking up a little bit do you are you asking about a recast because there is no physical product do I get a guarantee that I'm gonna turn into a fucking hot werewolf like this are you can I just say are you ready to unlock the untold potential that lies within you yeah shrouded in the mystique of the werewolf legend yes that sounds so much easier than therapy and medication we're working out yeah our werewolf transformation spell off I'm fine being a schlubby werewolf actually that still feels better yeah it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance to become immortal and embrace the wild untamed forces of nature okay

begin your incredible journey today and experience the thrill of a lifetime yeah wow now it could take up to two years to take effect

but after that two years i will have definitive proof yeah whether it worked or not hey i'm thinking about it selling immortality on ebay is a pretty foolproof scam yeah because it's not like worst case scenario it's not like they can come to you after and be like hey i died what the fuck can you imagine like your meme mod dies and you're going through the will and you're like oh they leave it and then it says here if i die yeah contact dark magic 38 and ask for a refund because that's bullshit i'm a werewolf hey Also tell him I wasn't one of the hot werewolves.

I was like half dog and it fucking sucked.

We're going to end now and that's the end of my skit.

But I do want to say it says on here how many have been sold and if that number goes up I'm going to be disappointed in you

so please please don't what's the number out right now what we're not gonna speak on that don't no please don't do this don't do this there's so many better ways

before we get to the audience questions yeah this has never happened before and will never again Maybe it'll happen again.

I don't know why Travis.

No, I don't want to encourage people because then we'll get fake ones.

We got so many questions from you all about you all.

So now we're going to do a brief segment called Grand Rapids Bam Bam Live Missed Connections.

Danny J in F25 says, hey, brothers, how do I figure out if my co-worker Steve is sitting two seats in front of me without embarrassing myself?

Danny,

Danny, if you can just send up a holler.

Yeah, that was very quiet.

But Steve, if you're sitting two rows in front of the person who just spoke and your name is Steve, can you also holler?

So you're good.

All right, so you all wave at each other awkwardly.

Moving on.

Liam R

in Lodge D5 says, my friend Colin is here, but I don't know where he's sitting.

Can you help me find him?

Colin, if you're out there and you're friends with Liam R, if you could just shoot up a holler.

There we go.

So

Colin, I heard Liam somewhere over there.

So get at get at Liam.

Avery says, how can I ask my boss to play Fortnite with me?

He is also at the live show, so I know we have a lot in common and I want to play online games with him, but I'm not sure how to break the professionalism barrier.

If you're the boss of an Avery, and this one's going to be hard.

If you're the boss of an Avery and you play Fortnite and you want to play play Fortnite with Avery, just holler.

Yeah,

that's good.

That's good.

We got that going.

And then we got this one.

No name, but it seems legit.

Hi, I'm pretty sure I'm the boss being referenced in the question about going on the school canoe trip.

Can you let the health aide know they can go on the trip?

Thanks.

That's from Boss of Health Services in Grand Rapids Schools.

No problem.

No problem.

We're making magic tonight.

I really hope that one is real.

Yeah, you should.

I will say this.

I would get a second source on double-check that one.

I wouldn't just show up.

That is coming from them through us.

All right, we're going to call some folks down to the microphone.

It's down here, stage right house left.

Please don't approach the microphone if we don't call you.

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome.

Hi.

Who are you?

I am Nick W.

Hi, Nick W.

Nick W, what's your question?

So, I think what I wrote in the email is...

Yeah, what you wrote in the email is why you were chosen, Nick, because of how you wrote it in the email.

Do you want us to say how it was written in the email?

No, no, no, no.

All right.

I believe what I wrote in the email is ethics of pissing in Dakar.

Yeah, you said ethics of pissing in Dakar.

Ethics of pissing.

Nope, not pissing.

Pissing.

Pissing in.

ethics of pissing in

and we rolled the dice on you now yeah nick you are you really delivered though i gotta say so speak on that so so i'd like to paint a picture for you boys oh yeah okay not too more than the picture you've already painted with words okay what you're you're on the road yeah uh to see your three favorite boys in yeah live show yeah

Where are you coming from?

Just to fill out the picture.

Don't dox yourself, but like fucking how far?

You're in town.

I need to know how long a drive it is.

Four.

Four hours.

Four hours?

Okay, that changes the math significantly, Nick.

Are you on a road trip to see Justin McGroy, Griffin McGroy, and Hank Green?

Okay, yes.

I'm sad he's not here, but

I hit him up for money.

Go on.

And, you know, you're in gridlock traffic.

Yeah.

And nature calls as it does.

Okay, yeah.

Who's in Dakar, Nick?

That's the secret that's keeping the stars apart, isn't it?

Who's in Dakar?

It's me and God, just

waiting no one else.

Okay.

Because you know, if someone else had been in Dakar, the ethics would have been quite severe.

It would have been different.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The ethics, Nick, I would say, are a hundred percent about the sight lines on its way

and

indecent exposure charges that you could.

If you are able to be discreet,

then

I guess it's your your car.

But again, I think the sight lines are the ethics for this.

Are you suggesting, Nick, that the traffic was so gridlocked, so bumper-to-bumper that you could not make it to a rest stop and therefore had to explore car piss options?

I would like to add that there was an empty Baja Blast container in these.

Now, hold on,

two liter or 20 ounces.

It was the one you get from the store.

Nick, would you say that maybe the the emptiness of said Baja Blasphemy have contributed to the question?

I'm not a biologist.

I don't know anything about it.

Ashes to ashes, do to do.

It somehow has less sodium?

It's weirdly made.

It is less.

It's like more green.

Bottle, not a cup, bottle.

It was a cup from a taco.

It was a cup.

Okay.

Believe it or not, it changes the ethics of pissing into car, Nick, if you can believe it.

Wait, I have one final question about

the qualities of the situation.

How long had you been in this gridlock traffic?

How long have I been in traffic?

Yeah, like this bumper to bumper when everybody's like witnessing.

Half an hour.

Okay.

I think at that point, if anyone were to side-eye you pissing in a Baja Blast Cup,

this is how I think it's going to go.

25%

and then slowly into, yeah, man.

Yeah, man.

This situation does

for real.

I don't want to watch you piss, Nick, for real.

For real.

But if I look over and I catch you pissing because you've been stuck in traffic next to me for 30 minutes, I'm going to give you the nod.

Especially.

Correct.

Especially if I happen to, in that quick glance, scope that it's a 20-ounce Baja Blast cup.

I am going to put two and number one together.

You got to.

Like, what comes?

But what comes next, Nick?

How about the ethics of what comes to next

where does the pee go it don't vanish Nick what'd you do with the P Nick

what'd you do with the P

my pants are dry and my conscience is clear

thank you Nick thank you Nick thank you Nick

hi hello okay I'm Cassidy T hi Cassidy okay my question

So my boss is allowing me to work from home starting on Monday, but I'm the only one in the office allowed to do this.

And she has told me not to tell anyone

that I'm working from home

indefinitely.

Right.

How do I explain to my coworkers my forever absence while my work still gets done?

Right.

So Cassidy, in Cassidy's fiction, here in a year or so, people are going to be at your workplace like, where is Cassidy though?

Like, where is Cassidy?

Like, my desk is still going to be there.

All my stuff will still be there.

Cool.

Cassidy.

Is it possible that you are in a reverse severance situation?

Okay.

In which,

hear me out.

Your bosses told everyone the exact same thing they told you.

Oh, shit, man.

So that on Monday, your boss can come in and not have to deal with any of you.

Brick, that's good.

Hey, do any of you look a lot like Cassidy per chance?

Because I might have an opening for for you.

Just to come in like an hour a day, like, ah, dang, I forgot my other work at home.

And then you leave every day.

Yeah.

And they're like, you're a veterinarian.

But

I eat fish.

I'm a veterinarian, but occasionally.

All right.

I like it.

Cassidy, it seemed like you had additional information to add.

Oh,

well, see, I told them I would quit if I couldn't work from home.

Okay.

Okay.

So

they gave me what I wanted.

How stupid are the people you work with?

Can I just say, Cassidy, a bold negotiating tactic and congratulations on it panning out.

Yeah.

I like that your strategy was, here's the deal.

I'm going to be at home.

Whether or not you pay me to be there is completely up to you.

Cassidy, I just realized the answer.

You have to tell everyone you work with that they're allowed to work from home if they threaten to quit.

It is the only logical, ethical thing to do.

This is the ethics of working in the house is to tell everyone exactly what you're doing.

One other option, unless.

Unless, ooh, you're treading on treacherous ground, Trey.

If you have a trusted confidant at the office, maybe someone you could pay to do this, have them leave notes around saying, I was looking for you, guess I missed you.

I'll find you later, like to talk about this thing, thing cassidy yeah yeah and have them just sporadically leave those around so now it's not that they can't find you you can't find them maybe maybe you put up a poster that's like this person has gone missing what are they hiding yeah where stop burying the truth where is cassidy we demand answers

what isn't the company telling us

You got to come back to the office once.

How often are you willing to come back to the offense to to keep this ruse of

10 minutes every day?

And have you ever tried to grow a huge long beard?

Just out of curiosity to try whip Van Winkle thing.

I only have to come in once a week.

Once a week.

Okay, Cassidy.

You got to come in different.

And it's up to you what that means.

And you just be like, man, life in the annex sure is pretty hard.

And they'll be like, what?

And you'd be like, yeah.

If you can do singe marks and maybe like some soot.

Yeah,

and be like, it's sooty in the annex y'all

i gotta keep the boilers fueled yeah does your building have a basement

i wouldn't know exactly perfect that's perfect exact that's what i that's what we need cassidy I mean tell everybody they can work from home if they do this one neat trick but if you don't do that your bosses don't know that I know this one hack

But if you don't do that, I do think that Annex plays is the move for you.

Does that help?

It does.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Cassidy.

And Cassidy's boss writes in, what the fuck, Cassidy?

Cassidy, you pursue not to tell.

Hi.

Who are you?

What's your name?

Wow, great.

Thanks.

My name is Bethany.

Hi, Bethany.

Hi.

So my question is, is that myself and my two sisters who are here, we just hiked the Grand Canyon rim to rim, and I want to talk about it because that's crazy.

That is absolutely crazy.

What's rim to rim mean?

I think you know exactly what it was.

I don't actually know what it means as to why I'm asking.

It's the way you suck, you cook to get weight.

Sorry.

No, I appreciate that you asked because people do go there.

We started at the south rim, and we hiked 21 miles to the north rim.

Okay, cool.

Wouldn't it have been faster and easier to go east to west?

It is shorter that way, I will say.

Or not do it.

You are looking for opportunities to bring this up more organically.

Yeah, really organically, because I want to brag.

Right.

People need to know that they're talking to a rim to Grand Canyon.

A rim to rim Grand Canyon.

I would stop leading with rim to rim.

You gotta stop.

That's just first note.

Also, we're currently in a city called Grand Rapids, and you could say, you know what else is grand?

The canyon.

That's good.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Naturally?

Yeah.

You know what else is grand?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

I like that.

Do you have a fake cast?

Do I have a what?

A fake cast.

Fake cast.

Not no.

It did for a second sound like fake ass.

It can't happen.

I thought if you would have fake cast and you people would be like, what happened?

You're like, well, I was hiking in the Grand Canyon recently.

No, but Bethany doesn't want people to think that Bethany fell into the Grand Canyon.

Bethany has a kick-ass rim to rim travel log.

You need to develop

a good, like, long-distance stare off.

Into space, remembering your daddy.

What are you thinking about, Bethany?

Oh, just when I went rim to rim.

You can end that with against Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and I'd be like, damn,

you went rim to rim against Jabbar damn in the Grand Canyon.

Oh, man.

Shit.

You played a deathmatch 1v1 basketball game against Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the Grand Canyon.

Neil holds barred all razorblade elbows.

Shit.

He's dead now.

Wait, is he?

He's fine.

Can you point at

cracks?

Cracks in the sidewalk.

You don't come across a lot of chasms in your day to day, do you?

No grand ones, that's for sure.

Well, that's how you bring it up.

Seen grander.

Yeah, not a bad chasm, I guess, all things considered.

That's an all right chasm if you haven't seen the Grand Canyon.

Did you watch that you haven't, Doug?

Let me tell you a little bit.

Did you buy a novelty shirt while you were there?

No.

Oh, what a pity.

I bought a sweatshirt.

That would have been quite an easy way to get it.

I bought a keychain, but my sister made fun of it.

Aw.

Which one?

One of the ones who went with you?

Yeah.

Are you telling me that after you went rim to rim, the bond, the bond wasn't so strong?

Can you imagine if we three went rim to rim?

This would be a different fucking product we would be providing.

We wouldn't even be able to make jokes anymore.

We feel so connected.

Yeah.

She did try to take it back, but it was too late.

It's too late.

You can't.

The insult or the keychain.

When you go rim to rim.

And she was like, oh, who would buy these loser keychains?

And I had already picked it.

Oh, yeah, ew, we hate them.

You know what that sounds like?

Someone who wants to buy it, but they're unsure of themselves.

They haven't gone rim to rim.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, sister who's here.

You're chicken shit, Travis says.

I would never ever.

I'll fight you in the whole state of Michigan.

Drag her.

Does that help?

Yes, thank you.

Thank you so much, Bethany.

Thanks, Bethany.

Grand Canyon, rim to rim.

Get that.

Oh, fuck, you guys sit really close.

I just shit-talked someone's sister real close to them.

Which one of you was the one who wrote in about losing their toenails?

Yeah, we're never going to do that.

Hard pass.

Next time we come back to Grand Rapids, and we will, you gotta.

You gotta now listen.

We really mean that because the band Fun came to Ashland and they said we're definitely coming back.

And then they broke up.

So we mean it, though.

because the lead singer was dying to come back to Ashland.

The other two went, I don't know.

But the lead singer said, then fuck off.

I promised Ashland we would come back.

Hello.

Hi, how's it going?

Sorry, we were doing our own thing there.

You're good.

You were being so patient, and I applaud you for that.

What's your name?

My name is Duncan.

Hi, Duncan.

Duncan, what's your question?

How do I let my coworkers know that I was very serious about having a chili cook-off?

Right.

So we need, obviously, Duncan, quite a bit of background here.

Understandable.

So what, how?

Right now you're giving off vibe of very serious about chili cook-off.

I'm just letting you know.

I would have assumed you were sure.

Yeah, I would have assumed that.

But what did you do when you brought up the chili cook-off that maybe suggested you were doing so like sarcastically?

Or a bit.

Honestly, I don't know, because I'm making a lot of chili.

Okay, cool.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Duncan, the vibe is fucking great right now.

I love it.

Are you telling me that a date has been set and it's happened and whether or not they participate?

Is that where we're at?

I'm practically giving this stuff away.

Okay, so Dylan, hold on.

You're being real squirrely right now, Dylan.

I'm going to get a straight answer out of you.

Duncan.

Are you somehow laundering money through chili?

Yeah, is this a chili-based scheme?

God, I wish.

Yeah.

So did you pitch a chili cook-off to your coworkers because you were already making a lot of chili and you needed an outlet?

Please tell us the origins of this scenario so we can weigh in.

It's probably twofold.

One, every Friday, I'm in charge of figuring out what the entire group of us eats for lunch.

Okay.

So I'm already doing it.

That's a huge responsibility.

It's a huge responsibility, and I love making chili.

So the other half of you.

I assume so, Duncan, by the way.

Because if you're like, how do I let them know I'm serious about this?

Also, side note, I fucking hate chili and the making of it.

I'm scared of chili.

Well, and I also need to let them know that my chili whips ass.

Yeah.

Do you think that that might be it?

Are you making chili for them every Friday at lunch?

Probably not every Friday, but often enough that they're like, there's no way we could go toe-to-toe.

Have they had your chili?

Never, not even once.

It's bullshit.

Wait, you say that like they refuse it, Duncan.

I'm offering it.

Duncan, if you go in to the chili cook-off with your incredible chili and wipe the floor with everybody, no one's going to like that because they're going to feel like you lured them into the chili cook-off.

You got to have one chili cook-off with bad chili.

Are you willing to

do that?

Are you willing to have a redemptive chili cook-off in three years?

Or, wait, sorry, what was the person's name whose boss said they didn't have to come into work anymore?

That was Cassidy.

Have Cassidy show up at your work and pitch the chili cook-off.

This is good.

This could work.

No one's going to know if Cassidy works there or not.

Hey, make everybody do a sign-in sheet of the kind of chili they're going to make so you have a wide variety.

Because some people like beans.

some people are not enjoying beans i just have i don't texas red now if i'm just what justin's backed into

yeah yeah

justin what you backed into was the idea that rather than gauge uh like acceptance of the idea of a chili cookoff you would just start passing out a sheet saying what chili will you be making

at this moment just a yes or no question duncan at this moment is there going to be a chili cookoff Well, there is now.

Yeah.

Well, hold on, Duncan, because I don't know that I trust you.

You're kind of a chili fucking fiend over there.

This is starting to feel like mom said if you said it was okay, and dad said if you said it was okay kind of scenario.

Duncan, you ever seen the movie Field of Dreams?

Yeah.

How it was it?

How it was it, Duncan?

Simple question, Duncan.

How it was it, Field of Dreams.

We're good.

They built it.

They came.

Yeah.

whoa wait hold on they what

yeah man

are you telling me in the movie field of dreams they built it and cool yeah man ectoplasm hither end yawn

this is gonna be a good chili kickoff duncan duncan did that answer your did that when we talked about how they come in field of dreams did that help you yeah

that's awesome thank you so much duncan

i believe we have have one more.

Hello.

If you feel that they will come, but then they're in the background like, yeah.

Leah, you need to give us a moment for some cleansing breaths.

I think my brothers need to run.

I'm back.

Hallie, how's it going?

Hello.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Leah.

Hi, Leah.

Which question did you get?

Oh, Leah, you had a question, and that question was about your portable karaoke machine.

The death, the groan you just sits in a shiver at my spine.

So this Sunday I'm going to like an Airbnb lake house vacation with a bunch of friends.

Cool.

And okay, so I've mentioned to a couple of them that I was like, I have a mini portable karaoke machine.

Like does anyone want to do that?

But what my question is, is how do I, when we're there,

like bring it up?

Like when's the time to be like,

should we do karaoke?

That's always the hard thing, isn't it when everybody's done with dinner and you're eyeing the board game like should I just open it or

where are we at Leah?

I'm so glad you're here and I appreciate you so much that said you kind of skipped over a middle part there where you said I told them I have this thing Bum bum bum anyway, how do I

bring it up?

How did they respond when you told them you had it?

They were kind of like okay

you need to leave it at home, all right?

I'm trying to look out for you.

If you could maybe, does it have other fun?

Like, maybe you could use it as a Bluetooth speaker.

And then when you're like looking at the buttons, like, look, damn, guys, it's got karaoke function on here.

That's fun.

You can use it as a clock.

Like, yeah, hey, use that time.

When friends get together at an Airbnb, we all like to make morning announcements.

Yeah.

I tested it out, and it does have like.

What's on?

What song?

No.

Oh, I would just.

I was trying to.

Hey, you don't.

Hey, Leah, you don't buy a mini portable karaoke machine right now.

And you were like, oh, I don't really do karaoke.

I'm just curious, what song you still got right now?

Um, I was doing like musicals.

Yeah, hell yeah.

That's cool.

That's all.

I won't push any farther.

Leah, did you think everyone in this room was going to be like, boo?

No, I know everyone's down.

It's good.

Yeah.

What if you had a sign-up sheet?

That's cool.

What kind of chili will you eat while we do karaoke?

Oh my god, that's great.

If you say, I got this portable karaoke machine, everyone's going to think, like, oh no, all they want to do is sing in front of us.

But what you do is you set up a little tip jar and you put on headphones and you act completely disinterested in everyone at the house the entire weekend.

And then when they come up up and hand you their slip, you just be like,

repeatedly call up people that aren't at the house.

Next up, we got Darla doing walk the line.

Come on up, Darla.

Class call Darla.

Oh, Darla.

What's going on?

Maxine.

Reminder, $3 jello shot.

Stephanie brought them from home.

They're not again Leon not charging for the jello shot.

It's for the experience.

Does that help?

Help.

Of course, it does

thank you so much

hey that's the best dismissal i've ever heard

very very kind

all right you can make the house lights go away now as we wrap up our show grand rapids michigan thank you so much

thank you so much thank you

seriously it is genuinely still after all these years quite scary to do this or any show and you all have made it truly wonderful uh being out here tonight so thank you all very much

Thank you to our tour manager, Paul Saboran, for all of the stuff that he does.

Couldn't do it without him.

Thanks, Paul.

Thank you to our business manager, Amanda, who is also recording the show tonight, doing double duty.

Thank you so much, Amanda.

Thank you to our dad and our dad and Dan.

If you haven't lifted the empty bowl, why not fall asleep to meet and Dan tonight?

We have a poster going on.

No, hold on.

I was going to do it, and then you jumped in to be like, fall asleep with me and

fall asleep with me and Dan.

We have posters out in the lobby.

We signed some of them.

Those are probably gone, but maybe not.

They're for sale.

They were designed by Samara Jethwa, and they're fucking so rad.

And please get them.

And we also still have the challenge coins for the Pulse Aboriginal Memorial, Canned Food Drive, Feeding America West Michigan.

We'll receive the benefits of that.

Griffin, do we have a fear to read tonight?

We have one final fear to read tonight, and I will read it right now.

This was sent in by someone in the the audience.

You're going to be faster than this.

Here we go.

This year, I will strive to be faster than my fear of dead bugs.

Live bugs are fine.

I love those guys.

My name's Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

Griffin McElroy, my brother, my brother.

May kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

My life, oh.

It's better, it's better with you.

It's better, my life all.

It's better, it's better with you.

Is it true?

It's better, it's better with you.

My life

all

is better with you.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows, supported directly by you.