MBMBaM 762: Mozzarella Stickz, Never Eaten

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

I,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true, all.

it's better, it's better with two.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, meaning advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your middlest brother, Travis.

Vroom, vroom, McElroy.

What's up, sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy, Bill Ford Tough here.

And my secret is, I'm always angry.

Oh, is that true?

yeah man i i've never gotten that far i would say you're always anxious um that's how it presents

no it the secret is i'm always angry and it's how i get hulk strong and i've been missing seeing my green boy up on the big silver screen um i gotta say today's soups ain't doing it for me and i need to see stronger people up there uh

killing uh their enemies and it just sucks that that hasn't happened in like years.

Well, they're back.

All your Marvel heroes are back.

What the fuck?

Yeah, dude.

They're back in a big way.

We're doing it again.

There's no new Avengers movies.

I'm looking at the list of movies on Rotten Tomatoes right now.

We've got Death of a Unicorn.

That's made up.

I don't think that one's it.

No, the movie in question is Thunderbolts.

Okay.

Okay.

And I want to talk about this because I have not been paying attention like a lot, like a sane person.

I've been focused on things other than the status of marvel movies right but i do want to talk about it so the movie thunder heard it's good heard it's good irrelevant

yeah i actually i set up reverse notifications so that i wouldn't get notifications on any marvel properties except moon night season two that's it's been at ghost town i got i fucking i've seen clips I've seen clips that seem good.

And all the comments are like, damn, they did my favorite character from Marvel, Bill Dinkley.

So right in this one.

And it's like, who are you talking?

It's my favorite Marvel guy.

I'm postal investigator Bill Dinkley.

It's my fucking favorite Marvel guy, Huge Crimson.

Who are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Huge Crimson.

That's his regular name, though.

That's not his superhero name.

That's the crazy thing.

There's 10 Marvel guys, and I already learned them, and most of them died, and I was like, I'm done with that part of my life.

I've moved.

I don't need to know who all the Avengers are again.

Surprise!

It's a whole new batch, whole new, whole new brood.

So, listen, the movie is called Thunderbolts Asterisk, right?

Thunderbolts Asterisk.

That's cool because they use performance-enhancing drugs to kill the bad guys in this one.

No, yeah, actually, that's I, that's a super soldier server.

They could, I don't know who any of these people are.

Any of these guys are really, yeah, nobody knows any of these characters or anything.

Sometimes they'll throw, usually, they'll throw a guy in there like Joker, and you'll be like, Well, I at least know who who jokes the rest of the suicide is about i don't know who the fuck these guys are but i know joker so i can feel comfortable here justin is the asterisk down at the bottom of the poster does it say thunderbolts asterisk and then at the bottom asterisk we have avengers at home it's the thunderbolts we don't need we don't need to buy avengers we have avengers

no they changed it They changed it.

The name of it.

They changed the name of the movie, kind of.

The stars of the movie have,

here, hold on.

Let me show you the guy, the very exciting picture of this because i feel like this the thrill of this is gonna like jump across is it gonna get me back in the movies again i think it's gonna get you very excited so it's the thing that they did was they ripped off the title and actually the asterisk is asterisk the new avengers it's that's so cool that's what they

it's like they It's been asterisk the whole time.

Look at Sebastian Stan.

He can't believe it.

Can you fucking believe this shit?

He's an Avenger.

Avenger.

What this is telling me is right now, Sebastian Stan, seeing that thing ripped off, is the first he's hearing about this.

Yeah.

Yeah, they should do this.

Every time they reboot some shit, they should do this where the guys in the movie, like, fuck up the old thing first and make it, and make it a big surprise.

I just want to say a few things.

One, I'm glad Kurt Russell and Goldie Hans kid is getting another bite at the apple.

Let's get as many chances as we can for everybody.

David Harper, I feel like you have enough apples and maybe you should share the apples around you've got a lot of great apples going who else could possibly play huge crimson justin if not dave harbor but justin i'm glad you made uh the point that i've been kind of soapboxing on for a while now which is celebrities kids have it so rough out there yeah and i like when people give them a lot of chances to make it big when when when his uh uh beloved cult amc show got canceled i'm really glad that uh goalie hahn and kurt russell's son wyatt got another russell hahn i think his name is russell hawn is his name so marvel had to come out and people were like understandably after this event where the cast took a picture in front of this new poster that i'm marvel had to come out and be like

that's not the name of the movie still

it's still called thunderbolts and everyone's like well are you sure because it seems like you changed it and marvel's like no no no no no that's a joke It's just a joke for the movie.

Oh, is it star movie?

Did you know that?

Yeah.

And it is a new Avengers movie.

And that's what they're saying.

Not a new

Avengers movie, but a new Avengers.

New Avengers.

Movie.

Yeah.

Movie.

Yeah, for sure.

But it's called Thunderbolt Star, really.

Thunderbolt Star.

Which one is Iron?

Which one's Iron Man?

The more I look at this picture, the more it looks like Sebastian Stan is asking me to get him out of there.

Yeah, he wants to be rescued.

I've heard it's good.

I have heard it's good.

I think he's saying right now, I was in Real Avengers movies.

Now, that's a good point.

He was, he's the joker in this one.

He was, I see Sebastian Stan.

I'm like, I know him.

Bucky Boy with the magic arm.

I know him for sure.

The rest of these guys can hang.

With the arm power by love.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Get him out of there.

I've heard it's good.

I'm glad for people who saw it and really

I want to see it too.

I don't really have time to go to the movies anymore.

It's just, I grew up with these things, man.

I grew up in this world, these comic movies, movies, and comics and all that nerd shit.

And yet, when these guys come out and make such a big splash, yeah, I'm like, I don't know who these guys are.

Okay, that's Lil Crimson.

What happened?

Now we're talking.

Now we've got the juice.

Is that the Rizzler?

That's the Rizzler.

Yeah, baby.

That's the Rizzler with the Thunderbolt stars.

That's cool.

The Thunderbolt star stars and the Rizzler.

And Julia Louis Drive has said about this, no offense to that child, but I did not know who he was.

That is a close.

Nor should she need to know the Rizzler.

That's really good stuff.

Yeah, she does not know who the Rizzler is, and that is a relief.

I think for me, I don't want her to know about anybody I know about.

Yeah.

I want to know that the media I consume exists in my sphere

and that Julia Louise Dreyfus doesn't even know that it exists.

Who is that?

This is the second time I've heard you put a hard S on that woman's name, and we're going to need to pump the brakes.

Sorry.

Julia Louise Dreyfus.

No, no, no.

No, sir.

Julia Louis Dreyfus.

Thank you.

Yes, yes.

And the Rizzler.

The Rizzler.

The Twizzler.

See?

Who's the guy in the green shirt?

Because he's not there.

He's barely there.

If they...

are going to want us to talk about Avengers again.

They're going to need to come up with more stuff

for us to talk about.

I don't think it's fair that you can just say, you guys like those Avengers movies?

We sure did.

Here's the new ones.

I don't think that's fair because we don't know these guys' whole deals.

And what are we supposed to do, Joe?

It's really hard to do this.

I think if you look at the monkeys,

the band, the monkeys, like 30 years after, they tried to get a thing going called the new monkeys.

And the problem with that is they said up front, this is the new monkeys.

What they should do is have a band that goes for a while.

What if Blur 2, like Blur with Song 2, had come out out and

been very popular yeah and then a year in they were like that's the new monkeys we got you oh you guys like our shit you like the sound of blur guess what you've been liking the new monkeys the new new monkeys so look into that oh is that what arctic monkeys is yeah arctic monkeys would have been the better pull travis you're right thank you oh the siren's going off here which means it's time to do our first question of the episode Wait, why is there a siren going off?

It's a tornado siren that goes off on the first Wednesday of every month at noon.

We can set these record times for whenever we want, and yet we do manage to always get it right in siren time, I'm realizing.

It lets us know it's time to move on to the first question.

You're right.

You're right.

Growing up, my friend's mom woke her up every morning with a good morning song.

I always thought it was really sweet and a nice tradition.

I recently had a baby of my own and would like to find a song to sing him to wake him up.

I don't want to use my friend's song because I can't really remember the words.

The words I do remember are pretty dorky.

What is a cool song I could sing to my cool baby to wake him up each morning?

That's from New Mom in OKC.

I got a good morning song.

I do too, but let's hear yours first because you made the sound first.

Oh, okay.

Mine I learned at camp when I was young and it goes, way up in the sky, the big birdies fly.

Way down in the nest, the little birds breast.

The sun starts to rise, the dew goes away.

Good morning, good morning, the little birds say.

It's way too long for a wake-up song.

By the time you finish that, I'm downstairs like brewing a cup already.

You took way too long with it.

Point of it, it's a little bit annoying or a lot of it, depending on the receiver, I guess.

And it's just spurned them out of bed.

Yeah.

I don't need forward into the day.

You don't need that.

You're just springing out of bed.

I'm thinking about a wake-up song for myself as a 38-year-old adult gentleman.

Oh, okay.

Not

a question.

But yeah.

Well, but

I have to connect with it on this level, you understand, Travis, before I can get into the mind of a baby.

You understand, right, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I forgot.

Before I can enter the mind of the baby, I have to first enter the baby space.

You have to ground it with your own personal experience.

Okay, cool.

I want to get hit with

First of the Month by Bone Thugs and Harmony with the wake up, wake up, wake up.

It's the first of the month.

Now, here's my deal.

They're going to change the lyrics based on what day it actually is.

Oh, okay, that's helpful.

And if we can get the day's temperature included in the lyrics of the song, so right now it's 72.

Yo, later on, it's gonna be 80 better, bust out the shorts.

Yeah,

that would be amazing, actually.

That's really good, Justin.

If we've got last phone on this, that would be incredible.

How many days got last?

There's just three days left, three days left until May.

I would want it to be more.

I'm waking up first thing in the morning.

I don't need to solve a math puzzle.

I need like a, it's a, it's, it's May 7th.

Like I need them to be pretty.

It would also be useful if I could then, you know, if I had the time, it's a weekend, that they could go into some of the like news highlights.

Absolutely.

Headlines.

What you missed this weekend.

I wouldn't, it's reached a point now where I wouldn't.

I don't know if I'm going to hire Bone Thugs in Harmony for this.

Probably can't afford that.

I would love a sort of personalized.

calendar, I suppose, a digital construct of some sort.

With additional widgets that I can add in later if I want.

I guess I'm saying I want to create an AI construct, but only of Bone Thugs in Harmony, not to like do any other, like

all of Bone Thughugs.

You jumped, Griffin, you jumped right over the idea of paying them to do it.

I think it would be pricey, but worth it.

Let's pay artists for their work.

Reach out to Bone Thugs.

See if you can get it.

Maybe we get a cut.

They're not going to work with us because I, a few minutes ago, conflated first and month with crossroads, and I don't think they're going to want to work with us.

I think that they're gonna

dinner with Uncle Charles, y'all.

That's how you remember appointments coming at 7 p.m.

at Guido's.

You're meeting his new girlfriend.

Make sure to bring some flowers.

Do you guys have an alarm?

You have an alarm in the morning?

What

wakes you up?

I have an alarm set at 6:40, 6:45, and 6.48 because I don't trust myself one bit.

What is it?

Just a siren?

What do you got?

No, it's a gentle

ringing and dingling, you know?

I usually either wake up with the day or from a gentle rustling from my lovely wife.

A gentle rustling.

And then you go, oh, God, the kids are two hours late to school.

Got to go.

No, I sit there as she does a parody version of Boom Thugs and Harvey's first of the month to me to tell me all about the news and weather and the time and date.

It's so helpful.

My alarm clock caresses me to sleep.

It starts off very dim and it slowly kisses me awake with a

tingling of nature.

And then at 6.40, Sidney's rips in with a whap,

and it's like, oh, but I was just being caressed.

So I have conditioned myself to be awakened by the gentlest caress of nature.

So I'm fully, ideally, in the shower before her sort of cacophony kicks up.

We bought one of those sunlamp alarm clock things.

I think we've talked about this on the show before, but I guess just as an update for this particular appliance, it stopped waking me up.

And so Rachel would have to come into the bedroom to wake me up with this gigantic LED light bulb inches from my face, just blasting me with its false UV rays.

And

it was a largely ineffective tool.

My dreams are just brighter.

Thanks, you stupid light bulb.

I got one of those.

I got,

you know, I'll continue to get the marketing emails from the lamp company, the clock company that I got this alarm clock from.

And they recently sent an email that said,

hey,

if you don't buy one of these by the end of the week, because the tariffs are going to be $400.

Wow.

Wow.

And listen,

it's all rough across the board, but it really did make it very...

In that moment, very personal.

I thought that was that moment.

No, no, no.

It's just, I realized it if I that sounds like an extremely challenging situation.

Yeah, because that's hundred hundreds of dollars for the lamp I mean I know it's bad for you, but like wow You guys have really got it tough, huh?

$400 for this woof now.

It's tough.

I don't love light waking me up.

Is there any way that one of these sun lamps can produce the heat of the sun?

Not obviously full bore.

Like I'm not trying to be space heater kind of that revs up.

It wouldn't start there.

I think it would serve you up a lot of different

options.

Yeah, I think it would start you with a gentle caress of sun's light coming and then like if that don't work some light bird noises and then if that don't work the birds get like shitty about it and then if that don't work it starts to get pretty hot because now you're being blasted by heat rays and the birds start screaming like they're burning let me make a bad smell make the alarm pod make a stinky bad smell that wake you up

is there a way to do an implant in my brain to wake me up that tells my brain that my bladder is really full because like that wakes me up in the middle of the night so you you know it would work in the morning for sure yeah maybe you could wake up at like three something and pound a bunch of water and just like really brun the boat however long it takes to rip through you how with lucid dreaming how hard would i have to work to get myself a dream butler who just uh excuse me mr mcroy it's time to wake up now and he comes in and he gets me up so he oh he gives me the kick i need just gordon levitt to give me the kick i actually have a lot of dreams about joseph gordon levitt kicking me and stepping on me and

that's it.

Oh,

finish your drink.

Justin took a big sip.

He's giving you.

No, tell me more.

I'm giving you space.

I have a lot of...

The floor is yours.

It's brick era HDL and he's just stepping.

Yeah.

He crushes.

So what do you guys think?

What do you think?

Are you asking me how many PSI Joseph Gordon Levitt would be able to kick your body?

What kind of downward force will this wave apply to my body?

I'm just saying that I think he could be a professional NFL kicker if he set his mind to it.

Kids, stop watching these fucking TikToks of Joseph Gordon-Levitt's foot smooshing every day off.

I know.

He squishes a bunch of Play-Doh and it shoots up between his toes.

They keep calling me over like, dad, you've got to watch this.

When it's like, they're all the same, guys.

I don't get the appeal

he's got a lot of Joseph Gordon leverage so that's that it's close enough to the physical force that is being applied I will ask what do we think about Joseph Gordon Ledfoot that's good too that's good too we're definitely trending in the right direction with this bit

he does step on my balls sometimes but he always makes it sound like it was an accident you fucking wrestled momentum back from me as I tried to create to something new you're like wait wait, wait.

One more thing I need to have recorded.

Hey, Tim already.

How come every time Griffin tries to open up to us about his dreams or Transport and Levin accidentally stepped on his well sometimes that you're like, we need to make sure that you're not going to be able to.

It doesn't happen every dream.

Okay.

I'll tell you why, Trav.

Hi, it's Justin McElroy, Griffin's oldest brother.

Yeah.

Griffin is in a constant struggle with his own personal brand.

There's two Griffin McElroys.

There's the Griffin McElroy that'll do it for the vine.

And then there's the Griffin McElroy that is a human being in day-to-day life that expresses to me on a daily basis how regretful he is that he has corrupted his brand with so many not kinks that he just does not personally share.

It's not a kink kink shame.

Yeah.

It's that he can't have normal conversations anymore.

But

which of those two Griffins wins, Justin?

Well, I don't know.

It's probably the Griffin that interrupts me from making a transition to the next question so you could say one more great thing about Joseph Gordon Levitt, a real human crushing his ball accidentally sometimes stop it it's first of all this is not a real person it's joseph gordon levitt in my dream mind joseph

second of all he only steps on my balls sometimes some dreams he doesn't do it at all and whenever he does he apologizes like it's a big accident so we know this is the griffin he feeds This is the griffin he feeds, clearly, because this is still the griffin that's here with us now.

You know what I mean?

I tried to talk, I psychically reach the sane, responsible Griffin.

It's like, doesn't want to be accountable.

What happens in the dreams where he doesn't accidentally step on your balls?

And is it an accident?

Can you gauge it?

He doesn't wake up on time and his kids are late to school.

How do I wake up?

Well, it depends on what kind of treatment I get from JGL in my dream.

It depends.

Some days I'm...

Timely.

I'm downstairs, Pronto, lunch is packed.

And then Rachel wakes up and it's like, JGL, step on your balls again?

I'm like, yeah, man, 5.15 in the fucking morning.

Oh, it's not a regular time.

Ouch!

Ouch!

I yell.

That wakes Rachel up, too.

She knows.

How can I save a man who will not save himself?

It's the tension between the two juice.

That's the palette of witch hit.

It's the gray.

It's the gray in between.

It's where the lines blur.

That's where the real truth lies.

Exactly.

Madness.

Brilliance.

I hope Joseph Gordon Levitt never listens to the show again.

He won't.

I think Van Halen's jump

would be good.

Maybe not worse.

Or Walking on Sunshine.

Or Pitbull's I Feel Good.

Pit Bull is a good choice.

Not for a baby.

Not for a baby.

Get too excited.

A baby can't handle.

There's babies that can't handle their shit most of the time.

They won't know what to do with the energy.

They cannot handle all of that.

You have to start with the kids' version of I Feel Good and work your way up to the Pitbull version.

Kids can't handle all the rhythms of the world

in one man.

He's in touch with all the dances, all the parties.

He is Mr.

Worldwide.

He's Mr.

Worldwide.

Kids can't handle that.

They barely can handle their own room, you know?

That's true.

They're not ready for the whole world.

Start with Raffy.

Raffi's version of I Feel Good?

I've never heard that one.

Raffi won't challenge children with a heavy reggaeton beat in the way that Pitbull will occasionally slide in there.

He will challenge Pitbull, though.

I'd love to see that creator clash.

You know what I mean?

Pitbull v.

Rafi.

No holds bar.

I think we all know who comes out on top of that one.

I'm a fifth grade teacher and every year my students go to a team building event in the woods for fifth grade graduation.

The adults are not allowed to help the kids with tasks they've been given because the idea is to develop independence.

However, one of the tasks is to build a fire and another is to catch a fish.

They're not giving me a fishing pole or matches for this, but they're given one fishing hook and a piece of string.

Is there no way my students can line a fire or catch a fish with these materials?

And I really want to catch a fish this year.

How can I sneakily help my kids without ruining the independence part of the activities?

That's from dreaming of fish in the fifth grade.

You added a question where there was not one.

They didn't say, is there no way my students?

They said definitively, there is no way my students can light a fire.

Sorry, thank you for clarifying, Griffin.

Yeah.

Do fifth grade classes need team building exercises?

This isn't team building.

It is independence building, which is quite the opposite thing, Travis.

It says go to a team building event in the woods.

About building independence.

So that doesn't doesn't mean.

So I think the overall event is team building.

This one

aspect is team destroying.

Yeah.

They're competing against each other.

Yeah.

If you catch a fish, you are not allowed to feed it to anyone else.

That is your fish to clean and prepare.

Give a man a fish and you'll be summarily dismissed from the competition.

Okay.

Yep.

Fishing is one of those things that I wish I could do and never would, even if I could.

It would be cool to know how to do that stuff.

And I think everyone probably thinks that, but it wouldn't cause me to go out to to bodies of water to try to get all the fish in somewhere.

My children have often expressed interest in fishing.

And so I've started,

I've laid out for them the actual steps involved.

And I would say, especially on the you have to put a worm on a hook, and then when you catch the fish, remove the hook from the fish's mouth, and they bounced off it properly.

I think I would enjoy teaching my kids to fish.

I don't think I would enjoy having another parent teach me how to fish first

in order to do that.

And when you say another parent, we should be explicitly clear that we are not talking about our own father.

Another

someone else's parent, not ours.

Yeah.

So I need, I don't, but see, to learn from another parent in this specific activity, it's going to be me and another adult in a boat alone making conversation.

Sorry, that's going to be a super hard pass for me.

I think I'll ever learn to fish.

I'm picturing someone out on the lake, out in their boat.

They look up.

Here comes another boat.

It's Justin by himself with his iPhone watching YouTube videos on how to fish as he tries to set it up.

Yeah.

And I think that actually might be worse.

To be you and the other parent in two different boats, you can absolutely boat away whenever you need to.

I think that your best bet

is to

help your kids to master the bow and arrow because I have seen a lot of movies and if you can master the bow and arrow you're hunting you're grappling cool you're retrieving mm-hmm you're winning the heart of Maid Marion yeah you're winning the Hunger Games winning I don't know that that is a facet of this rescuing all of oh I'm sorry Griffin this green city is that right yeah where green arrow is yeah

I think so.

Griffin, in this independent study where the children are put out in the woods without supplies and they have to catch and eat their own food, you don't get a little bit of Hunger Games vibe from that?

I mean, it'd be Hungry Games and not games so much as school.

It's Hungry School, the sequel to Hunger Games.

Do you think that there was a moment where the teachers had to tell the parents of these fifth graders, they'll be going in the woods

and they'll have to start a fire themselves?

And the parents are like, that seems wildly irresponsible.

They're 11 years old.

And the teachers said, oh, don't worry.

We don't give them matches or anything.

They would have to start it themselves.

And there's no way they're going to be able to do that.

So don't you worry about it.

Don't worry.

They can't get burned.

They won't make fire.

They can't make fire.

Unless.

Unless.

Unless.

Wow, you guys really, really, really left me hanging on that one.

No, really left me hanging.

I said it.

That pause was nine months pregnant.

That was a big one.

Unless

dead drops.

Oh, yeah.

You got to set up some dead drops ahead of time.

What is going to be in these dead drops?

One, turkey jerky.

Just to keep him, just to help get them across the finish line.

Two,

a cell phone with some sort of fish delivery service maybe on it.

Three,

Pokemon cards.

These are so the kids will want to find the dead drops in the first place.

Yes.

And they could also be a rudimentary currency of the new society.

You could soak the Pokemon cards in lighter fluid to help them.

In lighter fluid.

Thank you so much, Travis.

Yes.

Unless it's good Pokemon cards.

But every pack of Pokemon cards does come with, I would say, eight to nine kindling cards.

You don't need the one with the code that lets you unlock it in the digital version of the Pokemon card.

And the energy cards are perfect for kindling.

If you have

a foil one, the smoke is poison.

That fuck you up.

Yeah.

But like

might be a a good type of breathable poison, but not for an 11-year-old.

Now, poison type, though.

Burn those, no problem.

Yeah, man.

You could use a foil card as like bait, as like

as like a fly.

Yeah.

It's got all the shiny on it.

Fish love Pokemon cards.

Are kids solving puzzles to find

like I don't want to just give this stuff to them.

So to find the dead drops, are they doing something more practical, like coding challenges?

Like they're like, or writing a book report about Johnny Tremaine.

something like that like real school stuff like real school stuff and then they

I don't want it to be a gimme you want it to be something they work for right you can't just throw a butt I will say this too I'm thinking about it

Leaving a bunch of matches out, it has a whole risk reward thing there, right?

Because you also don't want, you don't want to ruin the game, but you also don't want to be the guy who like just left a bunch of matches and shit up for kids to find, right?

That's frowned upon.

How long do they have to survive this challenge?

I don't think survival is on the live stream.

I don't think it does at the stakes.

This is on sale.

If this is a four-hour experience, cool.

Four-day experience?

Ah, they

element.

I also love...

I feel like with most groups of fifth graders, you could give them the whole damn fishing rod and a whole tackle box of shit and a lot of kindling and some flint and steel like Minecraft.

And actually, I take it back.

Kids would be able to do that one part pretty good.

But like, give them all the supplies they need.

They're still not touching the fish.

They're still not lighting the fire.

Grown-ups can't do that shit on Survivor.

And they spent a long time there.

And they knew they were going to be on Survivor.

They knew they were going to be there.

Also, give them the whole rod.

You're not going to get in trouble.

Who cares?

Have fun.

Help the kids.

They'll appreciate it.

What are they going to do?

Fire you.

Yeah, I kept my kids alive.

I think that is actually a good teacher thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is this whole thing's insane.

Yeah.

This whole thing, guys, we're shutting it down.

It starts with me.

Hey, can we take a brief break?

Yeah.

All right, with you guys.

Let's get in the zone.

Money zone.

I couldn't possibly do another moment of comedy.

It's exciting with you.

I'm going to, guys, it's the money zone.

And I know that in the past,

maybe I've rambled a bit and got off topic.

So I'm going to try to focus up.

I'm going to do this

ad right down, right down the middle down the middle okay perfect strike I love that trap thanks do you think there's a lot of demand for that just to really nail this one to get it in one well no I'm just saying from our listening audience have you been hearing a lot from them lately like that we've been getting too silly and they oh I don't do the show for them I do it to get the respect of my brothers and I know that you guys don't respect the silliness that I bring to the I do absolutely I do absolutely respect the silliness that you bring yeah absolutely oh oh this is really awkward because I was shifting a lot of gears and stuff in my head you've prepared show us i guess what you have for us yeah what do you say in this squarespace yeah good

you like so we're gonna stop you right there and just do some quick notes okay okay um why did you get so monosyllabic i guess i was trying i was trying to avoid any um like possible off-ramps for myself because i know like i do a lot of like language kind of uh jazz yeah and so i was trying to always always experimenting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was trying to avoid any possible free association and just focus up.

Okay.

So like, I'm sorry we interrupted.

Travis.

Thank you.

Squarespace, good.

You like it.

It helps you.

Yes.

Very good.

Build website.

You have idea.

Website.

Yes.

Squarespace, opportunities to offer services and get paid.

In one place?

Yes.

Get paid on time.

Professional.

On brand invoice yes online payments yes plus streamline workflow yes you like this built-in appointment scheduling good email marketing tools you need it say you like this more okay you like this squarespace complete library professionally designed and you want

website he wanted to Award-winning website templates?

You like this.

With options for everyday use and category?

Indeed.

Intuitive drag and drop editing yes sir styling options beautiful yeah it said take take weird gender direction yeah halfway through visual design effects unrivaled experience required none

you like this

head to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use offer code my brother to save 10 off your first purchase of website or domain you like this how hard are you guys kicking yourselves that we did not suggest System of a Downs chop suey as a great baby wake console?

Damn it, that's good.

Yeah, that would be really good.

That would have been a good one.

You know what else would be good is if you took a second and looked at your financial situation and said, hey, self,

let's get serious.

Let's get real.

Can we be serious now?

Can we be serious now?

It can be hard to know where to start getting your finances in order.

I think Rocket Money is a really good way of doing it.

The first thing that Rocket Money is going to do is help you save a lot of money on subscriptions that you might have forgotten about.

Justin, quick question.

Will people like that?

Yeah, they like it.

Okay, it's just you didn't clarify.

You haven't said it like even a little bit.

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yes, Travis.

Really good point.

They like it.

And if you like it.

Who likes it?

You like it?

You like it.

Say you like it.

You like it?

Then Rocket Money is blasting off right now with the biggest savings of it says in the copy not to say blasting off.

It says they don't like that joke.

Yeah.

They say there's no reason for it.

They say they just don't like that joke.

In the ad copy, they say don't save it.

But I'm looking with this, I'll be honest, extensive ad coffee.

It's not.

I see some things that they have asked me here to read verbatim, but I, as a professional, am about to blend those.

So see

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

like it'll be sort of a you like it says rocket money say you like this a lot and it says don't make any blast off jokes or references we don't rocket money is not funny i don't know why they're so specific what do you think verbatim means It means every time you interrupt me, I have to start over.

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions.

I don't like people like it.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Download the Rocket.

Download the Retail.

I got this.

I got this for you, Justin.

I'll do the color commentary.

You keep going.

Download the Rocket Money app and enter my show name, my brother, my brother, and me in the survey so they know that I, Justin McElroy, sit you.

You like this?

Keep going.

Don't wait.

Don't wait.

Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them from my show.

I like this.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

I want a munch.

Squad.

Squad.

I want to munch.

Squad.

Squad.

Welcome to Munch Squad.

It is a podcast in the podcast profile of the latest and greatest in braiding.

It's the only kind of eating I know.

We got

into the riff you laid down at the beginning of this segment.

It was fucking sick, Juice.

Thanks.

Felt like a thinking body.

It felt like

a jazzy sort of like cowboy bebop fight scene.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He said that

the one thing that AI can't do is riffs.

So I've been trying to come up with more riffs because it seems like one area that's going to be pretty safe from the revolution is like riffs.

So I'm trying to come up with more riffs.

It's a good way to fight them.

Literally.

It's a good weapon.

If you riff at an AI that can't handle it.

Small acts.

Let's take these things down.

I have a short story for you and then a longer story.

The first short story is just like.

Baby shoes never worn.

I mean, no, Travis, even sadder than that.

Wetzel.

But the way to go, Travis, to shave off some of the cruft from Hemingway's six-world clunker.

You know what I mean?

Getting it down to a type four.

Yeah, just put it.

I can do it too.

Baby died.

You want a real sad story?

When you're paying by the letter.

Yeah, I want to post my, I want to print my short story in the newspaper.

Okay.

His story was three times longer than it needed to be.

Wetzel's pretzels, they've used mozzarella sticks, never eaten.

Sorry.

Wetzel

Wetzel's Pretzels, they've used mozzarella sticks with a Z for a limited time.

Thank fuck.

Wetzel's Pretzels is turning up the heat with its debut of latest limited time menu item, mozzarella sticks.

Now, the fact there's a Z at the end, I feel like the

end.

Okay, you said with the Z, and I was like, I'm pretty sure that's how mozzarella is.

And pretzels.

Crisp.

And then it says here, this is a new menu item.

Mozzarella sticks.

Crispy, cheesy, portable, and perfect for summer snacking.

This craveable twist is a new category for the pretzel powerhouse and is available starting at $7.99 at Wetzel's locations.

Travis, let's find out together because there's another paragraph about

Mozzarella sticks.

I'm just

$2 of mozzarella sticks.

There better be 16 mozzarella sticks.

Let me paint you a picture.

Crafted with fresh, hand-rolled dough and filled with melty mozzarella cheese.

These savory bites are topped with Italian breadcrumbs and baked to golden perfection.

Served in a five-piece snack cup, pairing perfectly with a side of pizza sauce.

Five?

Or a creamy wrench dip.

This snack is ideal for dipping and snacking on the go.

Why did they have to clarify that I get why this is an amazing summertime treat.

Nothing scratches that itch for me from being hot and sweaty outside than filling my body with this good white cheese.

But why did they have to specify that it's portable?

Because I've never, I don't know that God has made, God or man has made a mozzarella stick so big I couldn't get it.

I couldn't commute with it.

Like I couldn't get it around.

A lot of the Wetzel's pretzels menu, you have to have a knife and fork and sit down with a napkin.

And this is finally one that's a little bit more grab and go.

I like it.

This is the problem.

Nobody wants to sit down and have a sit-down mozzarella stick feast with their family anymore it's a go-go lifestyle when i was a kid mom used to put out a plate of giant mozzarella sticks and it was the whole night for us you know

and then the whole day bowel movement the next day

you know it's uh uh i have another quote here for you if you if you think that this company could not talk more about an invention that my 10-year-old makes with string cheese and crushed up cheetos and the air fryer you're wrong Dang,

what a child.

We're always looking for new ways to delight our guests, and the introduction of our new mozzarella sticks is a fun and delicious addition to our snack lineup, says Peyton Geyser.

They were originally called Thundersticks with an asterisk at the end.

We took everything people love about mozzarella sticks and gave it the Wetzel spin.

with our fresh pretzel dough.

It's a match made in snack heaven.

Now, Griffin, guess if if the temperature is getting to you, it says here, guess compare the mozzarella sticks with Wetzel's refreshing frozen lemonade for the ultimate salty meat-sweet combo, an ideal duo for warm weather hangouts, midday snack breaks, or post-shopping pick-me-ups.

There's so many places I could effortlessly slot mozzarella sticks into my day with little to no negative effect on said day.

They really do pick me up after I shop because after I shop, you guys know me, I'm a real dairy queen.

Yeah.

Your mozzarella levels are dangerously low.

They get my Mott's reserves really hit E, and I do need a pick-me-up sometimes.

And that comes in the form of five handy-dandy portable mozzarella sticks from the pretzel company.

At roughly $1.40 each.

An amazing exchange rate.

What about you?

I have one other

really actually very impactful story, emotional.

I'm going to try to share it with you guys.

It's not emotional.

Actually, I don't know why I said that.

Well, we'll be the judge.

Can you hear this?

Good morning, Ryan.

I got everything from your rider here.

Your newspaper with all references to birds redacted.

Fresh air from your hometown.

A left-handed cane for some reason.

Your jigsaw puzzle, one piece from completion, and of course, your scrambled eggs.

Oh, gosh.

Nobody makes my eggs like you, Brendan.

Actually, these are from Tim Hortons.

I know how much you like them.

Love them.

Yeah.

So I gave them your extremely specific recipe, so now you can go get them yourself anytime you want.

Oh, did you?

Two freshly cracked eggs.

Expertly scrambled with crispy hash browns, sausage crumble, creamy chipotle sauce, cooked over freshly harvested organic lava.

They skipped the lava part, but yeah.

Wow, doesn't affect the taste at all.

I'm so glad.

Will Tim Hortons be sculpting my wig chillers?

Nope.

That'll still be me.

Hmm.

I think that's going to melt.

From My Rider to Tim's menu, try my new scrambled eggs loaded breakfast box.

I guess what's going on?

What takeaway here is that, Ryan's ready.

What's going on over there, huh?

Ryan Reynolds has his own scrambled egg secrets.

That's cool.

They're just the fiction of this.

The fiction of this.

Ryan Reynolds, who's just like us, has a special, special scrambled egg secret recipe that only his assistant knows how to make.

But now, his assistant taught it to.

There are cereals with less contrived stories than this box of mess.

I also recognize that I'm no Ryan Reynolds.

I think this will come as no surprise to anyone.

But if someone pitched to me, I have an idea for a commercial, and the premise is that you're a complete asshole.

You're like, you're just a real insufferable dick.

I don't think I'd be like, yeah, man, that sounds right.

That sounds like a perfect way to sell scrambled eggs.

Kind of build his brain around that, though, huh?

Kind of build his brain around being a bit of a scamp.

Yeah.

And recent news events might have forced his hand a little bit to lean into, lean into that a little bit.

And that makes sense to me.

This hot, wet box from Tim would fuck me up, fam, if I tried to eat this thing with its Chipotle Mayo drizzling.

I don't.

Yeah, not since, and this is a, not since Tim Biebs,

which is a crossover of Justin Bieber and Tim.

And now, okay, so I want to ask you guys one other thing about this.

Yeah.

Dunkin' Donuts,

the most notable, like, spokespeople that Dunkin' Donuts has had in recent history.

It's been affleck of Matt Damon.

Yeah.

And this is Tim Beebs with one of, I will say, the very few AAA movie stars we have left.

What is that?

I mean, he's an A-lister.

There's not a lot of A-listers left.

There's like a million, billion, billion.

People who can open a movie.

I mean, you can't open a movie?

Is he in the New Avengers?

He's in.

What do you mean, open a movie?

Are they wrong?

Open a movie on some of these.

Like, you can open a movie on a Ryan Reynolds.

People come out to see a Ryan Reynolds movie.

That's what I'm saying.

People come out to see lots of different movies.

People come out to see a Michael B.

Jordan movie a lot.

I would go out to see a John Cena movie, an Idris Elba movie.

Idris Elba and John.

I got to get a Cena movie.

But But if you got to get both of them, it's not an A-list.

No, that's an A-plus list, Justin.

Yeah, it's just two I got

Sebastian Stan, David Harbour.

Oh, okay.

The Redslerr.

The Rizzler is in it.

You're Julia's Louise.

Now, here's what I'm saying.

What?

Why are you doing this?

Guess what I'm getting at?

It's like, why?

Like, if I came to Ryan Reynolds and they were like, I know it was fun being dimple and making making a million bajillion dollars, but would you like to sell a box of eggs to people?

And he's like, why?

And they're like, I don't know, just to prove you can?

I really, I don't know.

I don't know why he wants to sell a big box of eggs.

Well, he gets 78% of every box sold.

Well, and he makes not the money.

To make it clear, not the money.

If you buy a box of these eggs, you only get 22% of the eggs in the box.

And the other 78% of the eggs get shipped directly to him.

And he makes the eggs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they got to go some he's not gonna let his eggs just spoil no when he's sitting on his when he's sitting on his roost producing his eggs yeah he needs those to go somewhere yeah yeah i just don't know why he's doing this specifically you know what i mean like maybe he fucking loves eggs it's a passion project maybe they came up with the recipe first and they're like okay

This is crazy.

It's a big box of eggs.

Guys, what are we doing?

We made a box of eggs with hash browns on top and chipotle sauce.

It's crazy.

How are we going to get people to think this is an okay thing?

And then one guy in the back raises his hand.

He's like, we could tell him Ryan Reynolds came up with it.

It's Ryan Reynolds' idea, not ours.

Yeah.

It's like, every pitch cannot be you blaming Ryan Reynolds for something, Doug.

I'm sorry, Justin, but maybe you weren't paying attention.

The recipe came from Ryan Reynolds' assistant to them.

He showed up and said, hey, I'm sick of making eggs for my inseverable asshole boss.

I need you to start making them, not just for him, but for everyone.

For everyone.

And does Ryan seem pissed about?

It seemed like Ryan was pissed about that for like a second, but then they didn't like want to explore that particular emotional avenue of the commercial.

Yeah, there's a lot of unexplored territory in there.

I hope they make it a whole cinematic universe.

Yeah, well, Duncan already beat them to it, so I don't actually think that they can do another donut place with a cinematic universe within it because there is a Dunkin' verse with has all the employees from Duncan in it.

I just don't i don't know you can get ryan ryan's box of eggs for i don't know 80 canadian i don't know the exchange trade or whatever but uh catch it catch it now

how about another question here's one for you draft my girlfriend got a new job recently and her boss is hosting a pool party which will be a great opportunity to get to know everyone At this party, there's going to be a salsa contest for $100 and a chili pepper trophy that says salsa queen to whoever makes the best

one.

Yes.

My dad makes a mean salsa, which i believe would have a shot at winning can my girlfriend submit my dad's salsa as her own if it wins does she have to split the hundred dollars with him should we keep the contest a secret so we can keep all the earnings that's from pepper poppers in peoria whoo it's a lot of ethics a lot of ethics in this question is it i don't know that there's a lot of ethics

i think there's just the one ethic there's really do you can you steal your dad's salsa well it's not okay well let's talk about that for a second what if you steal the salsa and you take it as your own?

Uh-huh.

First of all, that's a lie.

It's a fabrication.

Secondly, what if he doesn't win?

What if it loses?

What if it doesn't even place?

And you have to come back last place.

Yeah, let's go to last place.

Everyone hated your dirt salsa.

Yeah.

And then you say, actually, my girlfriend's dad made it.

And then not even me at all.

I was trying to trick you.

Now you're embarrassed.

Yeah.

And

your boss now is so sick.

And you've done this.

You've done this.

And now you're going to have nicknames at the office, like salsa diarrhea monster.

Or they'll probably come up with something better than that.

No need to.

You got it in one.

Why keep, you know.

If you put it in quotes of like my partner's dad's salsa, in quotes, like that's what you call it.

Right.

And then when they're like, oh, this made me sick.

And you're like, yeah.

Like I told you.

I think the quotes, quotes around my partner's dad's salsa, I would be suspect of.

I'm not sure I'd consume that.

The quotation marks are, and I'd have to check the font on that too.

We've already got the solution.

An asterisk.

No.

We have a solution from another callback in the show, which is that

we cite every foodstuff.

That is ever eaten or bought or sold.

I want to go to the farmer's market and go to a booth that says my girlfriend's dad's salsa.

So I know exactly.

I want to go.

I want Tim Hortons to now be called Ryan Reynolds's eggs store.

And now I know exactly what I'm getting, which is Are you saying that you'll be able to buy my girlfriend's dad's salsa at Ryan Reynolds's egg box store?

I think you roll up and your boss, it's like Jennifer Zone and she has her salsa that she made.

I think it's cool to put, have to put your name on a thing so that people know exactly where it came from.

And I don't think that should get you disqualified.

Because are you going to be penalized just because your girlfriend's dad makes salsa better than you?

I don't think that's fair.

Also, it would be nice to take your dad a chili pepper trophy if you want and be like, dad, you're the salsa queen.

I wish they had a cash prize, but yeah.

$100 doesn't mean anything to most dads.

Most dads are just going to sniff.

They won't even sniff.

But a chili pepper stick trophy?

Dude, they'll lose.

I'm getting pretty excited thinking about winning a trophy right now.

Are you kidding me, guys?

I'd love to win a trophy right now.

Especially something I assume I'm already good at.

The idea of it, of someone being like,

no, I'm saying that if I was the dad and I'm like, this is my special salsa recipe, and now it's his award-winning salsa recipe, that's better than any hundreds of dollars.

Yeah.

You can put dad's award-winning salsa recipe on your food truck that you're going to have to buy with $100.

What if you call it?

Ryan Reynolds's award-winning salsa.

Is Ryan Reynolds in quotes?

Eggs.

Eggs.

Eggs.

Egg-based salsa.

Deadpool and Wolverines.

Deadpool and Wolverines.

Salsa and eggs.

Brought to you by Ryan Reynolds.

Uh-huh.

Tim Hortons.

Tim Hortons.

A new Avengers production.

We got Hugh made the salsa, Ryan produced the eggs.

It's a two-hander, this breakfast meal.

David Harbor hand-delivered it.

Wolverine chopped it up with his fun claws and put some onions in there.

It's a whole breakfast.

Ryan Reynolds chewed up all the peppers and spit them in to give him that special flavor.

And Wyatt Russell messed up at first, but Goldie and Kurt were there to help him pick up the pieces and move on.

Hey, thanks so much for listening to our podcast where we've unnecessarily dragged people we will never meet for yet again no real discernible reason.

Or if you don't like them, we did it on purpose yeah you don't like them i want to say again i've heard good things about the thunderbolts movie i've heard really good things i'm a big fan of david harbor i i

or i'm not if you guys don't like him i'm not we've couched this more than enough hey you got some tour dates yeah coming up yeah i mean there's the ones you already know about michigan minnesota ohio we're coming to you we're doing mabim bam we're doing taz but we've also got some new dates to announce in california and texas and georgia and utah all tickets go on sale this Friday, May 16th at 10 a.m.

local time.

All our Taz shows are going to be Taz vs except the Anaheim Taz show,

which will be the next installment in the Adventure Zone Dadlands, GM'd by Bryn and Lee Mulligan.

Cannot wait for that shit.

All tickets and stuff you can find at this link, bit.ly slash McElroyTours.

Come out and see us and have a grand old time.

We also got new merch for May.

We've got the Plato's Rave

thousand piece puzzle.

And I know what you're thinking.

That's a lot of pieces, but every one of them is worth it.

It's a little

more than 3,000.

Yeah.

And that's done by Danielle MyJoe Birch.

You can find it my Joe Birch underscore art on Instagram.

That's B-U-R-C-H.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Center for Reproductive Rights.

So check that out at macrowaymerch.com.

Thanks also to Montane for the Use for a Theme Song.

My Life is Better With You.

We love this song so much, and we're so happy and grateful to be able to use it.

Vroom vroom.

Let's get faster than fear.

Juice, you want to do this one?

At my sister's wedding this year, I will be faster than my fear of the Cupid shuffle because I messed it up once in middle school.

My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother, me.

Kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

life,

it's better, it's better with you.

It's better.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better with you.

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