MBMBaM 761: My Other Dad is a Helicopter

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed.

It's ripened into into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

oh,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true, all

better, it's better with two.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era.

Oldest brother, Justin McElroy, here reporting for duty.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your middlest brother, Travis Vroomvroom McElroy, here also, I guess, reporting for duty.

Welcome.

Welcome to the service oh okay this is lieutenant commander uh sergeant corporal griffin built for tough mckelroy and guys i don't know about you but on this our year of turbo driving uh i'm pulling a lot of horsepower today

oh i don't think oh wait doesn't the horsepower pull you

i'm being tugged by a lot of horses today

what does it you still drive you get when they're driving horses pull you I don't think if you're pulling horses, then you're.

No, they're pulling you.

You're totally right.

And I do actually want to stop my bit and just get into the semantics of who's tugging who.

Who's tugging who?

Don't tug horses.

Don't tug horses.

Let them tug you.

But the derb happened this past weekend.

Oh, the derb.

I mean, we're recording this well before the derb, but I got to say, I'm sitting pretty flush, I bet.

You think you did good with your bets, your various bets?

You're wondering how much money?

I like to think of them as investments in my shitty investments, maybe is how

you bet and bad investments.

I bet equally on every horse to win.

That's cool.

That'll at least get you your money back.

Yeah, so no matter what.

Worst case scenario, tie.

If you believe in multiverses, it's going to hit for one of you.

That's for all of us.

So, yeah, I took my kids' savings that they've been saving up at their part-time kid jobs, and I went to my horse guy

and I said,

I said,

What's the morning light odds on American promise?

And he got confused by the sentence for a second because he was like, Yeah, that's so bad.

I think all of us would right now if you said you were betting on America's promise.

Betting on the future of America's promise.

American promise.

Betting on

is a bet.

They say the morning light odds 30 to 1.

So this is going to be a

big weekend for me, I'm thinking.

How much money did you put down?

$200.

Oh, yeah.

It's my children's, they don't have a lot of money.

But they said, how do we turn this into more money?

And I said, I have the investment opportunity of a lifetime.

Its name is American Promise.

Can I speak on the Kentucky Derby for a moment?

Oh, please.

Please.

As a West Virginian, I'd like to speak for a moment on the Kentucky Derby.

Go ahead.

And, and, and, go off king.

Thank you.

Dear Kentucky, it's me, Justin McElroy from West Virginia, you know, right next door.

Every once in a while, you guys like to pretend that you guys are fancy over here.

There's the stuff with the bourbon where you're starting to act like that's really fancy.

And then there's the stuff with the horses and the big hats.

And every time the nation's eye turns back to you, you like to act like you're pretty fancy.

And we just want you to know, Kentucky, we see you every day.

We see you over here in West Virginia.

Yeah.

We see you every day.

And over here in Ohio, by the way, we've got you flanked.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ohio weighing in.

You see Kentucky every day, right, Trev?

Sort of temporal pincer on Kentucky you guys are putting down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Trev, when you roll on over there to what's on the Covington?

Is that Covington?

Does it feel a lot fancier than where you left on the other side?

Or aristocratic, perhaps.

perhaps.

Bigger hats?

That's not necessarily the word I would use, Joseph.

Yeah, interesting, Trev.

Okay.

And fewer horses, too.

I think I see more horses here in Ohio than I see over in Covington.

Sold a false bill of goods.

You think you roll up on any city in Kentucky, it's going to be equine in that shit.

But no,

all of Kentucky, holistically speaking, Mr.

Bashir, I assume you're a listener.

We see you.

That's it.

You can't just change the whole kind of like identity of your state for other people who never really learned much about your state.

Because if you could do that, we could all, everybody in West Virginia could just start acting like robots.

And then whenever people think about West Virginia, they'll think, oh, the robot state, which is an upgrade, I think.

A lot of this, I think, is coming from a place of jealousy because West Virginia hasn't figured out how to do that.

kind of rebrand and I think it's unfair

that Kentucky kind of took the home of podcasting never caught on I tried

did our best they They went through so many state mottos.

I thought we could sneak the home of podcasting in there, but no dice.

Hey, one of my favorite movie-going memories was being in a West Virginia theater when Die Hard 4 came out.

And there's a shot where they drive into West Virginia and you can see the Welcome to West Virginia sign.

And at that point, I believe the slogan was open for business.

And that sign came up, and everyone in the theater booed.

Yeah, it's so good, man.

That shit still goes down so smooth.

No state has ever been brave enough to be like,

please.

In their state motto please please anything please but at least we're not like things have been fancy here the whole time we're owning it we could use we know the horses and big hats and that's the whole deal here in kentucky it's fancy all this mint julep for me it's so fancy here we see you every day

You drive here.

You drive over here.

I see you every day.

Okay.

You're not fooling me.

The Derby and the Mint Julep and stuff, that's your fancy sitting room in your house that you keep clean for company.

We see the rest of the house all the time.

Yeah.

That's what we're saying.

Griffin, you notice I'm not judging.

Yeah.

Should I see it?

Yeah, we do see it.

We see it.

Griffin, who's favorite to win that old derby?

I mean, this one coming in eighth post, we've got journalism.

Kick-ass.

Kick-ass test.

I think this thing is just journalism.

The horse's name is Journalism.

This one's trained by Matthew W.

McCarthy.

Three to one, morning line odds.

I mean, pretty, pretty good stuff.

Pretty good stuff there.

Coming in not too far behind, we got Sovereignty.

That's on a horse actually feels a little intimidating to me.

Yeah.

We got Sandman.

Name for Adam Sandler, actually.

It's like naming the horse after Adam Sandler's nickname.

I mean, people are...

Yeah, but if the horse is named Adam Sandler, that would be a little...

That would be pretty good, actually.

I think I would really like that.

That would make me really happy.

Then we start getting into a pretty big gap here of the quality of some of these ponies I'm seeing because we got a Grande, Burnham Square, Rodriguez clocking in on 10, 12, 1.

And then it's like no one, and then it's like a bunch of Snickle Fritz.

And the Snickle Fritz has the best names, which is the frustrating thing.

Because

I want to see Owen Almighty roll up on first.

You know, I want to see Coal Battle win something.

Coal battle?

Coal battle.

Coal battle.

Coal battle.

Feels cool to say it.

Admire Daytona, Japan.

This one's from Japan, I guess.

They put it in the name of it, but it's called Admire Daytona, which is really good.

No horse names are ever like

in the commanding sort of tense.

You need

you like this horse?

Admire Daytona.

We need more interrogative horse names.

Yes.

More questions.

Yes.

Can you admire Daytona?

Uh-huh.

Cast her?

Render judgment?

That's another horse name without the question mark.

America's Promise?

Yeah.

America can promise, Travis.

It's not possessive.

Wow.

Wow.

You really, really opened my eyes, Griffin.

Made me think about I don't own America promise America American

promise.

All you need to happen, and this is what I, the great thing about horse racing, dudes, is it's the great equalizer.

Because all you really need to hit it big is for one horse.

to run really fast.

And that could happen for any reason at any time.

And all the other horses to not run as fast.

Yeah, I mean, obviously that's important too, but you just need your horse to be the fastest one.

So all you need, you make these outside bets, your horse might go super dupe.

Do you know that you run the same speed every time you run?

No, you probably have good runs and bad runs.

You might get, you know, Rodriguez out there, and he might have the fucking run of his life.

And then you're up $6,000.

You're rich.

Or put all your money on it.

Think about all the money you could win.

Yeah.

There's no downside to gambling.

Yeah.

That's what they don't say.

The gambling thing.

Yeah, like, obviously, there's lots and lots of downsides.

This is just you know, there's bad, there's lots of bad stuff.

But, like, wait, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, really.

But

for this, you got to bet to lose.

You can bet to lose.

Yeah, this is a lose.

This is to lose.

It's not to lose.

You bet too lose.

They will lose.

That's gone.

But, and it's gone and it's bad.

And you can get, like, really, really into it.

So it's, like, not great.

Like, don't fuck with it.

But, like, knowing your personality about it, it's like, stay, stay, stay.

Far from the ball.

I bet the show.

Yeah, but it's, okay, that makes sense.

I bet this show.

It's not gambling.

On a horse.

It's not gambling.

You just need one horse to run really fast.

That's all that it is.

It's like a guess.

It's like a guess saying, I think my horse is going to run really, really fast today.

Okay, so

we could still keep the show.

Okay, that's good.

What a relief.

In this example, Travis, was the show converted to a currency amount?

And I would love to know what you think that number is.

Well, my friend Adam Carolla, who move on, Justin, start the show.

Move on.

Move on.

Move on and start.

This is an advice show.

And

before we get started, though, I did want to talk about one other thing.

And I know that sometimes we just get distracted by stuff.

And I promise this isn't that.

But did you guys hear about the guy they rescued from Mount Fuji?

No.

I did hear about the guy they rescued from Mount Fuji.

Oh, okay.

Well,

Travis hasn't.

So, like, you could deliver it to one of us, and I'll just sit here with my hands.

Yeah, maybe.

No, I'll just cross my arms.

Well, now I don't know what it is.

Yeah, it's probably better that way.

Oh my god, Justin.

Trav, they rescued a guy from Mount Fuji.

They have, and I'm saying this a guy because they haven't identified him yet for probably a good reason.

This guy, Trav, he went, he got rescued from Mount Fuji.

Now, that in and of itself is not that surprising, right?

It's quite a hike.

Quite a hike up there, literally speaking.

He's a 27-year-old university student.

And the only thing that's interesting about him being airlifted out of Mount Fuji is that he had been um

he had been airlifted off of Mount Fuji five days earlier, Trav.

What?

Now wait.

I know what you're asking.

Justin, how could this happen?

Well, Trav,

oh man, he got rescued from Mount Fuji, but he forgot his phone on Mount Fuji.

Out of the town.

Yeah.

He forgot his phone on Mount Fuji.

And so he went back to go get his phone phone at mount fuji yeah and he was airlifted off after he um

the first time he left because he lost his crampons

and i know what you're saying justin what yeah you're the spiky things you put on your shoes to help you climb ice good he lost them sorry so those are called what now crampons crampons crampons crampons crampons Okay.

Yeah.

Cool.

Crampons.

And he cramp them on when you need them.

According to this story, he just lost them.

According to the Nip on TV story, he lost them and he fell sick.

So they came and got him.

But then five days later, he's like, ah, man,

I forgot my phone.

Yeah.

And went on back up for it.

Now, what I do think is quite courageous is on that return trip to get his phone, that's pretty risky.

Because if you don't at least make it to where you left your phone the first time, you're fucking dead, dude, because you don't have a phone.

I know exactly where it is.

It's halfway up Mount Fuji.

Yeah.

Can you imagine how, what a bummer that would be when you do like a find my device and you're like, it must be in the couch some back on Mount Fuji.

Oh, man.

He did.

The second time, by the way, it was a different student who just saw him and he was like, this dude, he came back to town.

He's like, hey, you remember the guy from before?

No, no, no.

He's back.

You got to get back up there.

He's out there on the

way.

I think the problem with airlifting people from dangerous situations is you're not letting them learn from their mistakes.

So now this guy believes that every time he goes to Mount Fuji because he's lost something,

they're just going to airlift him out.

Just a helicopter parent, quite literally.

This is my other dad, a helicopter.

He's always going to get me out of any sticky situation I find myself in.

I do think that it is not clear.

Okay, it's not clear whether or not he did get the phone.

So that is something that I will say right now up front.

If it turns out this didn't work, the three of us will go up and get it for you.

Please don't go up.

Oh my God, are you kidding me?

Please don't go up again.

It's so beautiful this time of year.

I would love to go rescue.

We did a pretty good hiking video.

I don't know if you knew, but we're kind of good at hiking now.

Yeah.

And there's three of us, which I think

increases our chances of living through it and getting the phone for sure.

And I listen.

We don't have to get to the top.

We just got to get to the fucking phone.

That's it.

How do you think the airlifting people would feel if like the three of us were going and just one of us was done?

Yeah.

And we were like, airlift, just me.

And then the other two were like, we're actually going to keep going, but we're vibing on standby.

What did you say?

We're vibing.

Take him to the hospital for sure, but we're on a vibe right now.

But be on standby.

Be on standby.

Get the phone.

We are going to give you a call.

We're not going back.

My feet are super sweaty.

So be ready to deal with that situation with a quickness, but do get him to the hospital.

Let's help people.

Yes, finally.

I'm a senior in college about to graduate with a degree in game design every year i've been in college i've had at least one class with a particular professor who's somewhat infamous within the department this professor used to be a professional clown in particular a juggler since he first mentioned this in my freshman year i wanted to see this man juggle but i can't figure out a way to make it happen without the danger of him thinking i'm intentionally interrupting class

Brothers, how do you get this man to juggle without making him think that it was

while making him think it was his idea?

That's from Craving Clownery in Chicago.

Yeah, man.

The public persona that clowns have have kind of

made random acts of clowning more rare in public spaces.

And that's a real shame, this stigma.

Well, don't you think if the professor brought it out, you say, since he first mentioned this in my freshman year, I don't think you drop into casual conversation or into a teaching situation.

I was a professional juggler and then think, I hope no one asks me to juggle.

Have you noticed how many of your lessons revolve around four bowling pins?

There you go.

That's he's begging for it.

Maybe just sit in the front row of a class and be like, oh, are you hungry?

Orange.

Here's another.

Here's another.

And now he's juggling.

Yeah.

He can handle it too.

There's, have you guys ever noticed that there's no such thing as like a bad amateur juggler?

Anytime anyone tells you that they're into juggling, they're like, check it out with knives.

Like anyone who gets into this gets into it deep enough enough that they can do like the dangerous stuff.

So he's got to be able to handle whatever you toss at him.

I'd like to think, Griffin, that's a result of,

I don't think anyone who's maybe tried to juggle twice goes to people and says, watch what I can do.

Watch this.

I think I can.

So, this person, just so I can track the chronology, went from being a

professional clown juggler

to a game designer to a person teaching game design.

They must just be swimming in it, huh?

Justin.

Just

absolutely drowning in it.

Like money?

Yeah, can we just say yes, man?

He's drowning in what you're suggesting he's drowning in whatever he wants.

Whatever, whatever you fill in the blanks, all right?

Drowning in it.

I don't want to, man.

I don't want to, Justin.

I know we're not supposed to say no and shit, man, but like, I don't want to do.

That's fine.

That's fine.

I'm just saying, it's just the truth of the.

But we don't, but like, we don't know them, and you know that.

So I'm just saying that they're drowning.

That makes it better.

If I knew them, I wouldn't say these things, these terrible things.

That's true, you wouldn't know.

About people I know.

Right.

Griffin.

Fair point.

That would be rude.

You can't get better at throwing stuff at them.

Like, you can't get better than everyone in the class throw five balls at them.

But I can't.

But we can't have us out here saying on our show, throw stuff at them.

Throw balls at people.

Okay, then when he comes into class, the next time, what's that on his desk?

It's five perfectly placed bowling pins.

Yeah.

And you're all sitting perfectly like attentive and ready.

Yeah.

But you're

again, that is going to seem like a setup.

He's going to read that for what it is.

Yes.

You've got to make him think that it was his idea to jump.

You come into the room carrying a big crate of apples.

You're going to have to do this a few times before you do what I'm about to suggest next, just to throw off any suspicion.

You show up and everyone's like, there's old apple crates again, but this time you trip and the apples spill all over the floor.

There's no fucking way, there's no fucking way he can resist that.

You know, he's gonna put some produce in the air.

Okay, okay, okay.

You come in, here's your capstone, your senior project, right?

You're you've been working on a game, a bowling game, right?

And when the ball smashes in the bowling pins, they're supposed to go flying up in the air in all different directions, but you just can't get the image in your head right of how it should look.

How am I supposed to know?

Well, because I throw a bowling pin in the air, it comes right down.

I don't even have time to register what a bowling pin in the air looks like.

We had to take important gravity measurements for the video game.

For the video game, what am I supposed to do?

Have a cutscene in your game where Osvarius, the great sorcerer, is you know, trying to make his orbs, he's like, you know, balancing his orbs, but have the animation just be like, boots,

like not look like look all fucked up and then your teacher is gonna have to be like that's simply not what it looks like to juggle you'll fail your capstone that's the but that's the cost of doing you won't fail your capstone because what you're gonna do is say listen I've made this mocap suit.

Yeah.

It is black lycra and I glue golf balls to it.

And I don't know how to make a mocap suit, but I made one and I'm going to need someone who knows how to juggle so I can cap their mo.

Can I cap your mo if you know what the camera setup is for mocap, that would be good good too because I just have the suit I just assume you just have to know more than the teacher like as long as the teacher doesn't think that you don't know what you're doing You're fine.

I assume once you put the mocap balls on the computer does the rest.

That's my

ping pong balls the computers no guys you got it all wrong.

You don't have to do anything special up front.

Yeah, you can film anyone in any amount of paintballs and the computer will get that imposter.

The computer will

the computer will get it.

Don't worry.

It knows how to translate the ping pong footage

into digital guys.

Yeah.

For sure.

That's what Holy Motors is largely about.

For the most part.

For the most part.

Also, once you cap his Moe, now you can watch him juggle whenever the fuck you want, huh?

On your phone.

You could have a little app that you make of your professor juggling, and you can turn him into Sephiroth.

You could do whatever you want.

Whatever you want.

You got his Mocapped.

You just can't.

You establish a man versus a machine who can juggle better.

Well, the man.

He's juggling against.

No,

the man would do a better job i think there would be nothing impressive much more impressive i think seeing a computer program juggle on a computer screen versus a man doing it there's a different level of like skill it's like when a computer is good at chess like yeah guys for sure yeah yeah it can juggle the better than me but i can do other stuff i can love Whoa, guys, I just got an award in the mail.

It's from the National Juggler Society of America.

It's most improved, most improved discussion of juggling.

So guys, we've really come a long way.

They say, like, it's very, they said, very tasteful and not as negative as normal.

And it's a thank you.

They say, thank you.

Put that up against the, I can see it from here, Justin.

They love the part where you said swimming in it.

That's it.

They say, wait, yeah, we didn't get that part because jugglers, but like, we love it.

We love the bit, the whole bit.

Go ahead and put that up next to the commemorative furry friend plaque that we were sent

for.

Most, most improved.

Still not quite there.

That one was a pillow.

Griffin.

That one was a large pillow, so I can't hang that on the wall.

I could put it next to the Spotify plaque we got sent that I accidentally used as a doorstop for a day

I don't

won for best ad read

all right guys this bit turned sad

bitter there's a difference

yeah

there's an act there's an activation

I can wake up tomorrow with bitter you know bitter will get you going in the morning coffee's bitter Griffin yeah that's a good point you know

Can we do the next question?

Absolutely.

I'm a teacher that just started a new part-time job with a company that tries to discourage kids and teens from vaping.

I've been hired to help create instructional activities, specifically an escape room, that teaches kids the dangers.

How do I make an escape room so good that the teens stop vaping?

And that's from Christy.

This is an immense opportunity for us.

And I wanted to sort of recognize that and manifest that a little bit, that this is an enormous opportunity for us.

Thank you to the universe, I guess, for

God.

Thank God and universe and Jesus and all of it, because the idea of being able to make a anti-vape escape room.

Vape escape, there's already like the name is kind of there perfectly.

Like it's really important for us to stick the landing on this.

I'm willing to bet that your bosses would frown upon the like, you have to vape a bunch and you're trying to like burn them out on it.

Okay.

Right.

or it's like oh they vaped so much that they don't ever want to do it again that was the escape room um well i had to vape four whole wait wait wait wait

wait wait wait this is good guys this is good hold on you're so close to a breakthrough here okay a lot of escape rooms don't have clues where you have to vape the puzzles.

I'm saying lasers that you can only see in the vape or like you have to vape a cloud out to see yeah that's really good or like there's a there what's that chemical that's coming from the other room?

You have to vape it quick to tell what it is.

I mean,

jokes aside, I think the three of us could sit here and within 10 minutes come up with 30 genuinely pretty good ideas for how vape and vapor could be included in different puzzles.

But would the, would the participant leave with an overall negative impression?

No, because we allowed them to do a whole heist using nothing but a series of more powerful vapes.

Much like my hero, uh, Solid Snake, if you saw vaping in all its many forms well i never knew you could do it digital yeah um yeah i don't know how we here's the thing if they find out that we are trying to deliver any kind of message at all it's done it does have to be subtle and so could it be floor vents could it be floor vents and it's like vaping out escape vaping out the kids and they're no no no there's floor vents that are vaping out like poison but it's vape right but there's like pumping poison in the room if you don't escape in 60 minutes yeah yeah you sort of yeah and And you're in a giant lung.

You're in a giant face?

Yeah, that's a giant lung.

It's real lung with fake cyber lung.

A cyber lung, is that what you said?

I just feel like escaping from a real lung would be grody.

It would be in my head if it's like us.

And it's also hard to make doors that would look like heart doors, you know what I mean?

Or lung doors, like fleshy.

So a cyber lung would be clearer.

I think it would be easier if you had a rectangular door.

Yeah.

No one's going to be like, I don't have rectangular doors in my lungs.

Yeah.

That's a good point.

Well, they're teens, and our school system isn't great, so they don't know.

I'm just going to check in here and remind us that this is all based on a reality in which this company tells our dear listener, yes, it's okay to make them vape a whole, whole, whole bunch to get our message across.

It's okay to do it really, really, really, really.

That will be shut down early.

That's a good point.

Okay, then what about we go the opposite way and it's a super fun escape room with an amazing prize, but in the middle of the room, there's a single vape like on a pedestal.

And if anybody vapes once, you lose.

Oh, wow!

Failure!

So, you go to put the key in the door after having just solved the mirror maze, and you turn it, and it just breaks.

And then a voice comes on and says, You're here forever because one of you vaped.

You live here now, and you'll never see your parents again.

Yeah, cool, that could be true.

But then you do let them out, you give them like five minutes to five minutes to really stew in that, and then you can let them go.

I feel like requiring vaping is

so tricky because, obviously,

ethnically, yeah, hugely offensive.

A A real tightrope.

Yeah.

It's tough.

It's tough.

It is.

Because you want to do, you know, you could have a vape experience where you're so overloaded with nicotine.

You're like, I never want to do it.

I just feel so sick.

Like the whole carton, you know, vape a carton.

Yeah, that's what you're doing.

I think that's what Travis is suggesting is

that you're so tricky, though, Trav.

It is.

I see your point, and I love that.

No, that wasn't my point.

I see the point.

You were harder than one kid let you do this.

Now, what if you had a specially formulated nasty vape?

And you're like, this is what vaping is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

it just tasted gross.

You make it out of the stuff that Nintendo makes their cartridges out of.

Like,

if you want to educate kids on the dangers of vaping, I think job one is

you got to find some.

You know what I mean?

I don't think that work's been done for you.

I haven't seen the research that says it's bad for me at all.

I love this stuff.

Yeah, Justin's like the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland out here.

The science is out on on if it's good or bad to vape.

Jeez, can I just say,

obviously, this whole bit and segment was necessitated due to the lawsuit that we lost against the truth campaign.

And so we did have to do this whole question, this whole segment.

I do think they're going to make us do it fucking again because of that caveat you've just added to it.

So I just want to say all the truth you get.

They had a check came from RJ Reynolds while we were doing it that they wanted me to get back on board.

Yeah.

Maybe throughout just a regular escape room, right?

No vaping theme, but every so often pictures flash up on the screen of really uncool celebrities vaping.

Yeah.

And it's just, it has nothing to do with the puzzles that are going on or whatever.

Just a reminder of like, this dork vapes.

You know what I mean?

Something is that.

Do you think that that would get the kids?

They might look fucking cool, though, is the only problem.

Yeah, what if these, what if the kids are dorks and they see these dorks vaping and they're like, but they look cooler vaping than they do not vaping?

i think any escape room

is a vape escape room if if the person doing it is discreet enough

they're probably tucks their chin doing a little doing a little

i see that sometimes at the movie theater i see someone

and then just blue light shoots up all over their face it's like

i see you cowboy i see you i see you i see you co-pilot i saw that at dave matthews band concert and they just lit up the room it was like it was like a night sky.

Well, that's because they were hitting him with all those follow spots when Dave took that huge, huge, huge fucking rip.

Let's head on into the money zone.

Let's get that all cleared up.

Yeah, yeah, let's

get that worked out.

The doctor gave me a sound

to get it all wiped out.

It's gotta be

you can save time in a bottle.

Oh.

And

they aren't letting this secret out, but I'll air it out.

You can harness the power of technology to capture your most special moments and put them in a bottle that you can use to relive and think about whenever you want to.

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Ask yourself, you can put pictures of anything.

Like, I think you're limited.

Like, you could put pictures of like all the different Burger King logos throughout the years and they're like on a scroll, like, whatever.

Pictures of your mom's favorite celebrity vaping, whatever, whatever.

That would be so cool.

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I want to tell you guys about fast-growing trees.

Anybody who's seen the video of me recording knows that I love plants and I like gardening.

And I got a redbud tree from fast-growing trees, planted it, and this is no shit.

Within two weeks, there were blooms on it.

Gosh, damn.

And it's absolutely thriving.

And I loved it so much that I went back and ordered a Meyer lemon tree to grow in my office, which is basically getting, is arriving anytime today in the next two hours.

And I'm so excited about it.

Yeah.

They just have lemons like just there.

Like whenever you want one or need one,

you'll always be able to see them.

That's it.

I'm thinking of like starting an empire.

We'll see.

Okay.

Because when life gives you lemon trees, make lemonade trees.

That's what I always say.

Wow.

Yeah.

Do you also sometimes say the ad copy?

Yeah, I'm doing it right now.

You need talking.

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All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

I want to munch.

Squad.

I want a munch.

Squad.

Squad.

That's a genre, man.

Is that Zydeco?

No, it was like bluegrass.

Zydeco.

I've heard banjo in there.

Yeah.

Zydeco, bluegrass, kind of a a vibe.

It's more a vibe.

Blue to notes.

Yeah, cool.

More vibes than notes.

Hey, listen, I want to tell you one quick thing before we get into the bulk of

the bigger story.

Because this is just

JJ Snack Foods enhances super pretzel recipe.

Wait.

And they just say that.

Like.

Hey, you know, super pretzels?

We are just going to make them different.

What's a super pretzel?

Travis.

Travis.

You've embarrassed yourself again and your family.

No, I guess I'm just more of the land.

I like my pretzels just normal, salt of the earth, salted pretzel.

Just a normal.

When I show you this pretzel, like...

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, I know exactly what this is.

Okay, so like super pretzels, they're just making them better

NBD.

Like, we're just like...

That's cool.

That's cool that a company can do that.

Yeah, and here's the paragraph.

And you know what they did for this?

This gets one paragraph and here's what it is j and j snack foods has enhanced its super pretzel recipe for an upgraded flavor softer texture and great taste even when held in warmers yep the new taste and easy prep make super pretzel an easy sell ideal for grab and go occasions the new super pretzel recipe remains delicious even when held in warmers reducing labor This new recipe will start being produced in June and will be available to serve late summer with existing GTIN order numbers.

Period, end of press release.

It's better than that.

This is something that matters, okay?

This is something that what this means is that come July or August, you're going to go to the ball field and you're going to have a super pretzel.

You're going to be just a little bit happier.

That matters.

That matters.

We never get shit like that.

We never get that.

It's very rare for a company to be like, listen, man, we took a long, hard look at ourselves in the mirror.

Yeah.

And we realized

we weren't doing as much as we could on this.

Not good enough.

You're telling me you liked those pretzels?

Because even we

knew they were dog shit.

And you liked them?

My dusty old grandfather started serving those to idiots in the 70s, okay?

But they're looking like his dusty old pretzels.

You're the idiot now.

We're on some new shit now, though.

The best day to enjoy a super pretzel is not yesterday when they were bullshit.

Now they're so good.

And we added a third hump.

All the other pretzels out there got two humps.

We put a third hump in the middle.

Third.

Same price.

If previous Mays and Junes are any indication, I will be enjoying at least three, two, four super pretzels in the next two months.

Yeah.

And I'm going to be, I think, hindered by the fact that I know.

I'm eating an inferior product.

Before the glow up.

Did they say at all what they're doing?

Like, to make it made it better, it's better.

I mean, like, that's here's what I love:

they're pretzel makers.

You're a pretzel eater, you do not need to worry about it.

That's you know what I mean?

Like, don't worry from the eating experience, it will improve.

And, Griffin, if you happen to be a distributor of super pretzels, they're going to be less

than you.

This one's for the fans and the small business pretzel retailers.

This is

not need to update your profit, your uh product orders.

The numbers are the same what are we gonna do write two press releases one for the consumer and one for our vendors no fucking sorry man if you get new super pretzels and you still have old ones in stock send them to us so they can be destroyed

please

humanely

this is also the kind of an emperor's new pretzels where if i was a pretzel company i would put out a press release once a year with no detail

that just says yeah we're making them better now yeah i mean we're joking dominoes did do this dominoes did do this effectively maybe a decade or so ago at this point where they ran commercials just like hey we get it it fucking sucks it's no good wendy's fries did it not too long ago carl laredo owned the fact that wendy's fries are trash and they're gonna try but what i'm saying is then not change a damn thing about it

So then somebody goes and eats a pretzel in July and they're like, yeah, I can taste it.

It's so much better.

Also, Wendy's, maybe take one more stab at it, maybe take one more run at it.

You got you got closer, but not quite.

I will say they were good for a little bit after you changed it.

Now you're kind of slipping.

Got you slipping, Wendy.

Got to me.

Robots making them, maybe.

I don't know.

Yeah, so that gets one paragraph, and it will increase the overall joy of the human race by some percentage point.

It's not a big one, but it's a micron of one, you know, whatever.

Meanwhile, Sonic is releasing a unicorn dreams slush you're fucked dude and i'm gonna show you what that what that looks like and it says fuck you justin get ready to come here eight times is what it says here in small print yeah

j-man we hate your fucking good you're gonna smell

80 times you're gonna smell this pink slime in your dreams dog you might as well take it and put it in the go climb by and large climb in the back of your big beautiful honda odyssey and dump the whole fucking thing out on the ground because that's what you're gonna have in there what this drink makes me think about

is my child and both of them, how they theoretically like the idea of like these little like tapioca bubbles in their drink.

And then when faced with the reality of it one bubble, they detest it.

This is what it looks like.

So you guys can see the that straw is ineffective.

It tavors at the top.

There's no way one of these tapioca bubbles are making it up there.

We're going to talk about the tapioca bugs.

The tapioca bubbles.

This is not me laughing because you said the word wrong, Travis.

It's me laughing because the way you said it was like so cute.

I enjoyed it a lot.

Yeah, we only laugh at the way Justin says stuff.

The Sonic Drive-In is ready to

transport fans to a world of

whimsical wonder with its newest, most wonderful creation yet, the Unicorn Dream Slush.

Prepare to be enchanted as the limited time slush arrives at Sonic locations nationwide on May 5th.

But those eager for a little extra sparkle can unlock early access through the Sonic app starting today, April 28th.

What's up?

So, if you order them before that, they're going to be like, How did you know who told you?

Yeah.

That's only available through the app.

But the vibrant pink cotton candy slush is swirled with blue raspberry flavor bubbles, topped with a fluffy cloud of whipped topping and a sprinkle of shimmering pink cotton candy sugar crystals.

With every sip, a little bit more enchantment fills the air.

Your kids' vomit is going to look so beautiful later.

There's unicorn horn straws free with every unicorn dream slush starting May 5th while supplies last.

Okay.

Not legit unicorn horns, though.

No, that's illegal.

Now, thanks, Biden.

But

the straw itself is tapered

to the top.

You ain't getting boba through that.

No way.

No, boba.

No, boba.

No, bubba.

No, bubba, no, boba.

No, buba,

pearls.

No, bubba, bubbles.

I bubba

They got their own spin on Boba pearls.

Like, it's probably the same thing, but you call them flavor bubbles for the folks who think they don't like Boba Pearls.

Yeah, these are flavor bubbles.

Fans are invited to share their own wishes in whimsical moments inspired by the legendary wish awakening you know horn horn straw by visiting hashtag wish sip believe on social media wish sorry wish sip believe can i get a quick check from my lead csi researcher griffin mcerroy pretend i've pulled up to your computer.

Griffin, what do you got on this hashtag?

Wish, sip, believe.

Oh, wow.

This is actually a breaking news story.

It's a friend of the show, Liz Gilbert's next book.

It's, I'm fucking stoked for this one, dude.

Yeah.

And the secret this time is to make a little wish, and then you have a sip, usually a Masonic slush, and then you just kind of wait.

You just kind of wait.

Did you say a Masonic slush?

Because yes, Griffin, now we're talking.

Make away.

Drink from the Masonic slush and let Liz Gilbert shepherd you to the fulfillment.

They produce it in the light of the full moon at your local chapter.

Everyone knows how you make a Masonic slush, Driven.

You don't have to go into it.

Here's a quote.

We developed the unicorn dream slush to be more than just a drink.

It's a money maker.

Masonic pledge.

Devote your life.

No, it's an entire culinary experience.

It's bursting with fantastical fun and flavor in every sip, said someone from Sonic.

With its playful pink colors, blue blue raspberry flavor bubbles, and the accompanying unicorn horn straw.

It is a treat for the senses and the imagination and guaranteed to make every moment sparkle.

You know what else is?

Always, I'll remind you: if

your sonic beverage sends your imagination spinning with delight, you should probably go outside more, look at a river, anything.

Anything at all.

Culinary experience.

Culinary experience is such a fun thing to use as like a thing to be striven for because you know what else is like a culinary experience?

Finding a piece of glass in your hamburger.

Like that's a culinary experience.

It doesn't mean good.

This expands it though, Travis.

So when my kids intentionally upend this $18 drink in my big beautiful Buick, they'll say, no, no, no, we weren't supposed to drink it, Dad.

See, this is all part of the experience.

It's a fun mess.

We make these sometimes.

Fun, fantastical mess.

We're like the river queen fairies of the mess anyway.

You you get the idea.

And you'll be able to smell it in the interior of your car for the next two years.

It's all a sensory experience.

Be living with it.

Yeah, Cooper has been enjoying an Easter bunny that she left in the back seat for a week.

And then we had a hot day and I saw her dip her finger into the puddle and thought, hey, I'm going to clean that out.

It's time.

Not her emergency rations.

I know.

Yeah.

Sorry, Coop.

How about another another question, guys?

Yeah.

Do we have time?

Yeah.

Let's help somebody else.

I was having lunch outside today when someone came out to eat as well.

I work at a large hospital, so I never met this person.

I was sitting on a bench further away, but this other individual sat at one of the tables that are near a very obvious goose nest.

The goose nest has been there about a week.

You've really been paying very close attention to this.

Congratulations.

I've tried to sit as those tables since the goose nest has appeared, but one of the geese got mad, so I don't sit there anymore.

When this unknown co-worker sat down, the goose got mad.

It flew at them and started honking and hissing.

And the co-worker started running around and yelling, but the goose kept chasing.

The co-worker.

Yeah, this part is where it crosses.

It does cross a line.

You're right?

The co-worker yelled, help, and get it.

Help!

Get it!

Get it!

At one point, they tripped and fell over.

Oh, fuck, man.

I was the only other person around.

I was watching the incident, but it didn't really occur to me that they were yelling for my help.

I don't know what I could have done to improve the situation.

Eventually, other people came out and ushered the employee back inside.

What's my responsibility in this goose attack?

Should I warn people in the future to just not sit there?

And that's from Troubled and Tulsa.

No, can't do that.

That's too much to put on you because if you start, if you become the Batman of this bench just to make sure, don't do it, that goose will go fucking crazy on you.

That is not something that you're going to feel super comfortable saying to a bunch of different people.

It shouldn't be your job.

You're right.

You shouldn't have to make the people afraid, Griffin.

You should have to make the geese afraid.

Good luck.

Geese need someone who says, hey, if you step out of line, if you come at humans, there's someone watching the humans.

Yeah, I understand.

Humans are protected.

You need a goose costume of your own to be a bigger goose.

to establish dominance.

Travis, exactly what I was heading towards.

Thank you.

You read my mind.

Yeah, I get it, James.

Bigger goose.

I'd swear on a stack of Bibles, we just did another goose-based, work-based sort of thing.

Did we say in there something about like having your own Drobo Taylor goose that shows up to protect you from other geese?

Rachel, could we just play whatever we said for that goose-based, work-based answer?

Because that would be like, if we could just coast on that for a minute, I'm sure what we said then was funny.

The problem is, you're worried about making amends with the goose.

Okay.

Maybe everyone else has established goose dominance.

Yeah, yeah.

How do they do that?

Head bunk.

That does seem like maybe the only thing a goose would understand.

Yeah, you're not going to be able to show your goose your bank account, and they're like, whoa, man,

real high earner.

Sit them down, show them pictures to your kids.

Like, I'm happy.

I'm totally satisfied with my life.

And the goose is like, damn, you got it all figured out right now.

Damn, man.

I wish I was you.

Shit, dude.

Maybe you're the lucky goose.

How much could we charge freaks for an all-goose episode of this show?

Because I feel like you could stitch together a very, very goosey.

Maybe sponsor my great goose.

Ryan gosling.

Early in this series, I also remember we talked a lot about

making love with a goo.

Like how cool.

Tender.

Yeah, taste.

How cool that would be.

And like thinking about it now, it's like, why would I say that?

That seems like a wild thing to say.

You weren't a father then.

I wasn't a father then.

It does occur to me that with

761 episodes under a belt, we could make clip shows an hour long themed around any topic.

Yeah.

I bet that you could think of we could pull things where we talked about that.

Grinch.

Oh, yeah.

Grinch.

Hour-long Frasier soad.

I mean, like

a six-day-long horse.

horse travaganza.

That's possible.

Then they were saying, help get it.

Now,

they were under duress.

We can agree.

Help is, okay, Travis, yeah.

These are two different moments, right?

Help, help you might yell at any time without really thinking about it, right?

That's impulsive.

Get it

is where the mood is shifting.

Get the goose?

It's a violent request.

It's like, do what you have to use your body to get it.

Get it.

I can't get it.

I can't get it.

Attentions are on me.

My ability to get it is nil.

I'm too scared.

I'm too scared to get it.

I need you to be brave and get it right now.

That's it.

Or just grab it.

Squeeze it.

Buy it.

Lift it.

Now upgrade it.

It's the incredible power of geese is they can make people forget that kicking exists.

Because if you have the power of kicking, no goose can stand against you.

It's just that you don't want to kick a goose.

That's very good.

This is my theory, Justin.

The goose is intimidating psychologically,

but not physically in such a way that you would feel good about doing damage to it.

Listen, listen, a hot shot over here who doesn't have a goose actively attacking him in this moment.

If you did, your tone would be different, I bet.

You wouldn't be like,

you're not so tough, Mr.

Goose.

No, no, no.

I'm saying I would be terrified of a goose chasing me, right?

But if I get home from work that day and I walk up to my beautiful wife who has to love me because we're married and I say, baby, guess what i did for today kicked the goose in the fucking face she's not gonna cheer for me no if that person said get it and you ran over and absolutely punted that thing i mean housed it shocked that bad boy 20 yards is that person gonna look at you like thanks chief are they gonna look at you like you fucking psychopath

and then you said you said get it

When you said get it, I thought you meant shank it 20.

What?

What did you think I was going to do with it?

What if, what, my, okay, maybe there's a subconscious fear in all of us that we'd run up to punt the goose, kick it, make contact, and it would maybe budge an inch and then just turn and look at us as we backed away rubbing our now sore ankles.

I think my greater fear, Trav, is that it would not move, but my foot would just bury the chest of the goose, just exploding it.

Like, I would just chase Amy and Buddha

around my foot as the wound began gushing goosebumps everywhere.

And the cops show up.

Show up.

They're like, he said, get it.

He's responding.

He's an accessory.

He said, get it.

He knows I'm on a short fuse.

And then you got to go to Randy Johnson's support group.

Yeah.

Talk about like, I didn't think that would happen to the bird.

Whatever Randy Johnson had the ball at the time, like, you're not going to get me.

There's no way.

There's no way I can't.

I can't do it again.

He was so good at pitching, he would get bored on the mound.

So he's like, let's see if I can hit that bird.

Oh, fuck.

Now we could do an episode about Randy Johnson.

But if we're in the Randy Johnson,

I think we'll.

Maybe have Randy Johnson show up to talk to the bird.

They have to know.

Yeah.

Hey, folks, thank you so much for listening to our podcast.

We hope you've enjoyed yourself.

Thank you to everybody who came out and saw us at the Harmony House Ren Fair last weekend.

Presumably that all went off without a hitch.

We're recording it beforehand, so I don't know, but I hope so.

Thanks for coming if you came out.

we have some new merch really exciting never had anything like this in our store before we've got some flaming not poisoning raging tea of doom a spicy caffeine free tea uh in collaboration with good store tea i've got some of their tea it kicks ass i'm so excited for this collab i'm so excited for this tea and a play-doh's rave 1000 piece puzzle with artwork by danielle birch and 10 of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the center for reproductive rights so make sure you check that out, macroymerch.com.

And there's so much other stuff on there, too.

Yeah, we got some live shows coming up, too.

We got tickets on sale for shows coming up in Michigan, Minnesota, and Ohio for Mabimbam and Taz.

All the Taz shows are going to be Taz vs.

We're doing some cons.

We're going to be at Origins Game Fair in Columbus and Dragon Con and in Atlanta doing stuff.

You can find out all of that scheduling stuff and get tickets over at bit.ly/slash McElroyTours.

And we haven't mentioned it in a while, but we got, if you go to macroyfamily.card with two R's.co,

we have places over there that we have partnered with before and nonprofits that we've worked with and stuff like that.

So if you're, I don't know, looking for a way to help or a place to get involved, maybe check that out.

macroyfamily.card.co.

Thanks to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You.

I am personally a huge fan of Montane's body of work, and this song in particular is especially meaningful because it's on our show and I hear it a whole lot.

So thank you very much.

That's a good point, Griffin.

Thank you for sharing that.

That was very vulnerable of you.

Thanks.

And I respect that immensely.

Thank you, Griffin.

Who's got a fear?

Oh, boy.

Griffin, why don't you read it this time?

Oh, for sure.

Sure, I'll do it.

This year, I'm going to get faster than my fear of giant foods.

The grass foods, the grocery store chain, or giant foods.

I get it.

You know what?

It works both ways.

My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother, may me.

Kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

It's better with you.

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