MBMBaM 760: ImMaxulate Conception

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the state park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life, oh,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

It's better.

It's better with two.

It's better with you.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to our Brother My Brother Mean Advice Show for the Modern Era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your middlest brother, Travis, Vroom Vroom McElroy.

I'm trying to decide, Trav, maybe you can help me make this choice.

Whether or not to let that slide or make it part of it, make it like a sort of diegetic part of the show.

I think it's part of of it.

Why did you say happy Easter, Juice?

Why did you start this show?

It's after Easter as we record this.

I know that there's a gap between us.

That was before the...

That wasn't in the recording.

It was.

I think it was.

It is.

Me and Travis has literally recognized it.

Now we've referenced it.

It must be.

It's diegetic.

Have you seen how we did it?

In my head, I was thinking about how I went to see the Minecraft movie with my kids.

Okay.

And when I went to see the Minecraft movie, I saw that they were showing episodes of the Jesus TV show, the Chess.

Oh.

no, the other Jesus TV show.

And by the way, in the finale of Lost, when they revealed that it

is just a huge Christian allegory, I felt personally betrayed by that.

Yeah.

So they were showing an episode of The Chosen.

It's a TV show about Jesus that has made $800 billion.

And the other thing.

Is Jesus working with a detective to solve crimes?

Because if not, I'm not interested.

That kicks out.

No, it's just the same story, and we all know how it ends.

But this is the speaking of.

Wait, Griffin, you didn't introduce yourself.

And now I'm Griffin McCarray.

Thank you.

Okay.

so I saw there's another flick called King of Kings, and this is the story of the King of Jesus.

Oh, stop me if you've heard about this guy.

Another Easter treat for everybody, a faith-based, faith-based.

This place was running two different faith-based pieces of programming, or this, this is a movie.

Yes, cool.

And I, yes, a lot of Christmas movies come out at Christmas.

I don't see...

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

Fair.

Yeah, but this was pretty chilling.

Just to be just to see in the hallway, it's like a lot of faith-based content.

As somebody who grew up in that i didn't love it but i was gonna blow this off but then i started looking at the cast and guys yeah yeah

this thing's stacked okay can you but can you not reveal roles like will you reveal some names and maybe we try to guess who the okay who the jesus can i just do a long shot is the rock in it because he seems to be in 18 movies a year or john cena one of those two

No, that's amazing.

There are a lot of vets.

Like there's a lot of like voice actor like Dee Bradley Baker legally mandated yeah appearance is that wait is this animated or live action it is animated and it is uh the the framing device is charles dickens is telling the story of jesus to his kids wait oh hold on that that's real yeah okay i thought that was a joke that you came up with uh on the fly i'm just giving you i'm giving you fair i'm this is to be fair okay

i'll tell you right now jay man i don't know if canonically in history charles dickens would have cared about the story of jesus but less than that I'm also not sure if Charles Dickens has kids.

Does Charles Dickens

got kids?

I don't think that your ignorance of Charles Dickens is necessarily a great basis for criticism of the film.

Travis, like your unawareness of it, is not, he didn't.

No, that was a criticism of myself, to be clear.

Oh, okay, cool.

Okay, The Life of Our Lord is the book that Charles Dickens wrote about the story of Jesus.

So I would say he has...

a vested interest, Travis.

Okay, so you now have all the pieces.

Mr.

Prince.

You play this amazing game.

I'm going to tell you some actors, and I want, and yeah, Travis, you can guess.

Okay.

Where would you put?

Now, I'm just going to give you D.

Bradley Baker is Will of the Cat.

I don't think that's relevant to the story.

Okay.

I had to remember that there was a Dickinsian layer here.

Where would you slot in, say, a big talent like Ben Kingsley?

Oh, shit.

Ben?

Benjamin?

Benjamin Kingsley.

Benjamin Kings.

I'll tell you what's hitting me.

Yeah.

What?

Pilot.

Pontius Pilot.

Very close.

Caiaphas.

Caiaphas.

Caiaphas.

One of the classics.

Now, where would you put in Pierce Brosnan?

Not in this film.

Well, you got to put him in somewhere.

He's in it.

Not Christ.

I could see him as a Barabbas, perhaps.

A Barabbas.

He's not a Barabbas.

You think he's going to get out of bed for a Barabbas?

Yeah, that's a good point.

I'm going with Pilot.

He's not going with Pilate on this one.

Pontius Pilate.

Correct, Travis.

Pontius Pilate played by Pierce Branagh.

Well, now I can't keep guessing that, though.

Where would you put Kenneth Branaugh, though?

Where would you put Kenneth Branaugh?

Okay, hold on.

We're getting close to Christ territory with how big these names are.

Kenneth Branaugh, huh?

Is this an Oscarbait Jesus movie, or what's going on?

Aren't they?

It is an Oscar Bait Jesus movie.

Okay, I haven't heard of it.

Dang.

An Oscar Bate Jesus movie for best animated feature, though.

Huh?

I don't know.

Where would you put Kenneth Branaw?

I'm going to say Judas.

Charles Dickens.

Oscar Isaac.

Oh, that's Jesus.

That's Jesus.

Yes, Travis, it's an Oscar Bate Jesus movie.

Wait, it's Oscar Isaac stars as Jesus.

Oscar Isaac is Jesus.

So it's technically an Oscar Bate because they got him to play the role of Jesus by offering him the role of Jesus.

So yes, it's an Oscar Bate.

He was also,

I believe, in a Christian ska band called The Blinking Underdog.

So yeah, we're getting some interesting context.

Like we learned about Uma Thurman

in this film playing the role of.

I mean, Mary is sort of the only

one that Jerry McCabe.

Yeah.

Catherine Dickens.

Damn it.

Forgetting about the vacancy is a big part of it.

Yeah, they sneak in.

Forrest Whitaker's in it.

Forrest Whitaker is in it.

He's in it.

I'll give you a hint.

He's the rock of the church.

Oh, Pete.

Pete.

Pete.

Big Pete.

Mark Hamill's in it.

Oh, man.

Now, Mark Hamill has to be in it because it is animated, but who would you?

Where would you put Mark?

The Joker?

The Joker?

Yes.

Yeah, he's the Joker.

Whoa, weird.

The Joker.

That's cool.

No,

he plays King Herod.

Okay.

Makes sense.

Makes sense.

I don't think they got a big.

This probably won't surprise you, but I don't think

there's not a lot of big-name actors lining up for the role of Judas.

Christoph Waltz, just doing full-blown Christoph Waltz.

Christoph Waltz, Judas.

Walton Goggins will be amazing as Jesus.

Oh, yeah.

The great betrayer.

Christoph Walton Goggins.

Now, that would be, that's the guy I would.

That's the guy.

That's the guy.

I've seen him a lot.

That's the guy from Superbad.

I'm looking at it.

Can I look at the list now, Juice?

Yeah, please.

Because I do see Jim Cummings is in here as a Pharisee, and that's going to be tough to

hear Pooh Bear.

Oh,

moving upon the cross

carry the spear in his side, or maybe he's doing it more as like the

lightning bug from Tiana.

Maybe as third.

Jesus, it looks like they're stuck on that cross.

Why don't you just pouch?

The wonderful thing about Jesus is he's the only one.

He wasn't guessing a duck, was he?

No.

Gee, hey, Jesus.

Maxie, get Jesus on down from that cross.

You guys are different.

No, did you go?

Oh, no, he played Pete.

Pete, I'm going to go deep.

Yeah, I was trying to find a Pete, but it wasn't there.

I tell you, Jesus.

That's the...

Here's the thing.

Nail him to the cross.

Oh, man, my dad's drunk again.

So that is the film.

These things are getting

pretty big.

Also, I mean, Jim Cummings and I did share

share a scene because he, I didn't realize this.

He played Lord Boxman in OKKO.

Oh, that's great.

And from, I was in that same episode,

a couple episodes.

Cool.

All right.

Look at me go and listen this is an advice show this is not a show about the the this hit jesus movie um and i know what you're wondering uh how did they get all these big names the answer is they gave them a hundred money

30 silver to be they're also they're also crowdfunded so they make a lot of money okay so here's the deal

This is an advice show.

All right, and we're going to take your questions and turn them alchemy like into wisdom.

We haven't forgotten our core competency.

My neighbor and I are friendly with each other, and our young children often play together.

One day, I saw them packing their van, and he grumbled they were going to Disney World.

He seemed very annoyed about the whole trip and complained his wife was making him go.

A few days after they left, he's texted me if I'd pull his garbage out in the street.

I said, sure, as long as you take a picture with Goofy for me.

I don't know why I said goofy.

I'm not a goofy fan, and neither is my kid.

I was just giving him a little grief since he didn't want to go on the trip.

Next week, when they returned, I saw him in the yard and asked how the vacation was.

He showed me the phone, which had an endless amount of pictures of his family with Goofy and Max.

What's more, he said he'd gotten their autographs and was having it all framed to present to my three-year-old as a present.

Oh, okay.

I see.

Now I know where the question is.

No.

Brothers, my boy has no idea who Goofy is, let alone his son.

This is such a nice gesture, but it all came from a throwaway joke I made.

How can I get my son to have a deep love of Goofy before they give him this gift?

Oh, man.

Oh, boy, this is a McElroy question.

I've ever heard one.

Fuck a duck.

Yeah.

This will definitely happen to us.

Jesus.

Yeah, you really threaded the needle here.

You've come to the right place.

Goofy is the safest choice to be like take a picture with, because that's why I think, just, I know this wasn't a question, but psychologically, you're like.

Maybe you did some subconscious gym like calculations.

And you're like, I don't want to say mini or daisy because because that would feel weird if I'm having a funny fish or fetish adjacent.

Yeah, and goofy's the right pole.

I don't know why, but it is the funny thing.

Sometimes with jokes, you got to run through.

And like, I don't know why it is what it is, but like

goofy is the pole.

I don't know why, but

yeah.

Um, you can't make a three-year-old like anything, um, has been my experience.

You could show them goofy movie, but they might be hugely uncomfortable with the complicated social dynamics of they don't get into that shit in these YouTube in a YouTube video.

They don't get into complicated family dynamics and kids today can't hang with that shit.

And there's a part where Max murders a man by swinging him into a giant thing of white kills a guy at the end of that film.

The guy's trying to chase Max.

They swing him.

He's doing his job as a security guard.

This kid could have a bomb vest strapped to him trying to kill Powerline so that the president will notice him.

But this is my favorite.

I love the goofy movie.

It's my favorite favorite Disney animated movie.

I'm wearing a Powerline shirt right now.

Is when they land on the stage next to Powerline.

Powerline's like, what?

What?

And doesn't do what I think anybody in that scenario would do, which would be to leave the stage as quickly as they can.

Leave the stage immediately.

Let security handle it.

They can't because a child killed them?

That's correct.

Now, you could do, I think the way I introduce my children to Goofy, and every parent's, every parent's approach to introducing their children to Goofy is different.

I understand that.

But I did inform them that according to Goofy's Wikipedia, he has had many names over the years, including George Geef.

Henry only calls this fool George Geef when he sees you guys, really ruined him with that.

Yeah.

And so when we went to Disney the first time, and you know, you have the people

in character going around meeting everybody.

And I said, Oh, here comes George Geef.

And that just tickled my daughters to no end.

And that, I I think is how I got the ball rolling.

You could also just play

the two musical power line scenes stand out and eye to eye without the complicated family dynamics.

And those are fun.

Those are good ones.

I've been trying to, I've been struggling with this problem in my house because my kids were on the YouTube and I was like, I can't, I can't, you guys can't watch the YouTube anymore because I watched a documentary about how YouTube's bad.

Oh, so I told them I can't.

Don't

tell me what it is because then I'll feel compelled to watch it.

It's like the family YouTubes.

It's like everybody knows.

So Mr.

Beast is still okay.

Oh, beast is

all YouTubes.

It's bad.

YouTube is bad because my kids will watch the show.

It doesn't matter.

I'm not judging.

I haven't done any research on Mr.

Beast recently.

YouTube is bad for my kids for our decision.

So we say you're watching too much YouTube.

No more YouTube.

And my kids are like pretty amenable to it.

And then

a week after the initial, you know, ranting and screaming, but about a week later, and this is just a couple days ago now, I see Cooper, and

she is

sometimes I worry about oversharing, but she's watching Young Sheldon.

Oh,

unironically,

Travis, she's on season two, episode nine.

Yeah, you can't watch, you can't

watch a season and a half of Young Sheldon.

She's on season two, episode nine.

And to be fair, she gets fast forwarding.

What?

It's on Netflix.

So she does fast-forward through any time where there's kissing.

Yeah.

But she has been fully, fully indoctrinated.

There's a lot of kissing on young Sheldon.

Wouldn't think of that.

I mean, not kissing.

There's a huge amount, but there is like anytime any relationship drama happens.

Every episode has a deep tongue scene in young Sheldon, which is fucking weird.

But most of the time, it's in the background.

It's happening extras.

Yeah.

She came to me while I was brushing my teeth and she said, Hey, dad, I think young Sheldon is smarter than Einstein.

And I said, Go on, do tell.

She said, Well, did Einstein ever build a rocket?

And I said, No.

No.

And she said, Did young Sheldon ever build a rocket?

And I said, I would have no way of knowing that.

She said, Well, he did.

I said, Well, it sounds like young Sheldon is smarter than Einstein.

And she said, But I think the kid from the Minecraft movie made a jetpack.

So he's probably smarter than both of you.

He's the smartest.

And I said, Yeah, okay.

That's the power ranking right there.

Kid for the Minecraft movie, Young Sheldon, way down here at the bottom, Einstein.

Well, Reed Richards, I think, is right above Einstein.

Thank you, Travis.

Good point.

Reed Richards, absolutely.

You can't, yeah, see, you can't, there's no hope here.

You can't make your kid like goofy.

You can, man, when you get the gifts, just you take them, and then they'll be like, aren't you going to give it to your son?

And you say, no, this is embarrassing.

I'm a huge goofy freak.

It was too embarrassing.

Don't say freaks, though.

No, you do.

I mean, own it.

Say, I'm a big goofy.

I'm a nasty, fucked-up, goofy freak.

And this is the only way I get my jollies.

How did he smell?

How did he smell?

Explain the smell of goofy to me.

Is this the hand that touched him?

Is there any chance that you typed, take a goofy picture with a lowercase g because then maybe you could flip it on and be like, no, no, no, just like a fun one.

What if you're like, that's not goofy?

The one with the bill, and he wears the sailor hat.

Yeah.

The spinach guy.

She's got the big mouse ears and the red shoe.

I'm proud to announce that Goofy sour balls are back.

And balls are going to be a little bit more.

Oh, no kidding.

Oh, baby, you can definitely get those.

And I got them.

And then my son, Henry, laughed at me because I got balls.

Like he's at an age where that's very good for him.

And I was like, I don't care.

I'm not going to stand here and be judged.

These sour balls really tickle my fancy.

I will say this.

I have taken pictures with a lot of goofies.

Yeah.

Because my kids make my father-in-law do his goofy impression to goofy.

And then I have pictures

good.

And then I put the, and I have like t-shirts with pictures of my father-in-law with goofy on them.

So

I will say every goofy is a pro.

Every goofy.

Here's it.

You can rest assured of whatever experience your friend had, it was not unpleasant.

No.

It was like that goofy made it very easy.

And it's special.

And especially if they can tell you're a virgin, they will make it like so good for you.

If they can tell that you have it at sex at all, they're like, they can, they know it somehow, and then they are like so nice to you.

Yeah, the first time I went to Disney World, the first time I went to Disney World, and I was like, I shouldn't be here.

I haven't fucked.

And then Goofy came over to me and he put his hair.

And guys, check this out.

He talked.

You never get this from these Disney bars walking around.

But what did he say?

He leaned in really close and he's like, I know.

He said, I know.

It's hard.

Me too, pal.

And then I was like, what about Max?

Immaculate Immaculate conception.

Immaculate.

And then he walked away, but I felt like really cared for.

And then I felt like I could be at Disney World, even though I hadn't had sexual.

I can't believe you made

scanners, Griffin, to get in.

Yeah.

Max just birthed fully formed from a bowl of high dad soup.

He just like emerged.

My high dad's soup is.

Hi, Dad.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Yeah, at the end, when he falls down the waterfall, and you actually, if you turn the volume up, you can hear him shout, but I haven't even fucked yet.

And then Max catches him and reels him up.

I was like, what were you saying, Dad?

And he's like, nothing, Max.

I know our visits are getting a bit fewer and further between these days, but I would like to go to the wizard's house.

I mean, friends grow apart over time.

It's natural.

It doesn't mean he's out of your heart.

Friends grow apart.

Websites redesign away all of their funniest stuff or close entirely.

Like this stuff happens, guys.

But this one is, it was sent in by Abby.

Thank you.

And it is how to actually become Jason Bourne.

Yes.

Thank you.

You don't have to wake up with amnesia on an Italian fishing boat in the Mediterranean Sea while being pursued by assassins to become Jason Bourne.

In fact, you may be happy to learn that we recommend taking the route that involves zero assassination attempts.

I'm always afraid that I'm going to read a WikiHow article and then it'll be like, kill.

And I'll be like, fuck.

Okay.

Shoot.

All right.

You're the boss.

But it does, it does.

There were a lot of factors in there.

and the only one they negated was assassination attempts.

Yeah, he did need some off the table.

Right.

They do recommend being found in the Mediterranean Sea by a fishing boat with amnesia.

Right.

That part's easy enough.

I do wonder if I'm not, if, if, like, assassination is completely off the table, why am I learning to become Jason Bourne, right?

That's that's that's for the other stuff.

There's a little other stuff he could do.

It's, he doesn't only assassinate people.

Yeah, but if someone's like, if I'm on the phone and I'm like, it's me, Justin, and I'm very tough, just like Jason Bourne now.

Yeah.

And they're like, I know you can't assassinate me.

Yeah.

That's off the table for you, right?

Not intimidating.

Can I ask you guys a question?

A semantics question, perhaps?

But is the difference betwixt murder and assassination just like notoriety?

I don't know.

I think it's you're paid for it, right?

Paid?

It's paid work?

I don't know anyways i'll just hope that someday i'm famous enough that when i am killed it's assassination i guess is what i'm trying to say

uh

okay how to become a real life jason bourne uh the first few parts here are all physicality stuff and i'm not gonna do that

uh regular cardio whatever improve your strength by lifting weights like sure whatever man if i could do irregular cardio i'd be excited you know if i'm my desire to live longer hasn't done that my desire to be jason bourne is certainly not going to motivate that.

Well, no, you can have the desire, right?

Like, I don't do like regular intense cardio, um, and I don't do like really heavyweights.

I do some stuff in there.

That stuff would probably make me feel so good if I did it enough that I wouldn't need a WikiHow article to teach me how to be Jason Bourne.

If I was doing that stuff, I'd be a fundamentally different person, and that person would not be on WikiHow learning how to be Jason Bourne.

That's an excellent point.

Choose a martial art.

Choose unperson.

One person who's never been on Wikipedia learning how to be Jason Jason Bourne is Jason Bourne.

No way.

Like that, it's unfathomable.

No way.

So choose a martial art to study and practice.

I could do this from a purely,

you know,

studious sort of research level and not like actually do it.

Like I could watch a lot of YouTube videos about,

you know, colleagues.

Do you need the muscles, though?

Don't you need to get it in the muscle memory?

Do the muscles need to know it?

Because that's the thing.

I've seen the Jason Bourne movies a hundred times, and I don't remember him ever having to stop to think about how to punch a guy.

I don't even know that he remembers how to punch a guy when the movie starts.

Well, no, they put like a chip in his brain or whatever that makes him punch like super hard.

No, Griffin, that's the Matrix.

So learn a second language or more.

This is good.

Jason Bourne spoke German, French, Russian, Dutch, Spanish, and Swedish.

You don't have to speak all those, but picking up another language of your choice will give you that international man of mystery energy Bourne exudes.

That would be kick-ass if in a Bourne movie he went to um

you know paraguay and then they started to speak to him and he was like i'm sorry like i don't do that one i don't do that pulled out his phone and like put in like google translate and he's like yeah you type it and i only know esperanto and english

site i can i can totally throw down in swedish you could probably pull this off if you named a bunch of common ones that lots of people know and then at the end you put the one you actually know so you learn one obscure one and then you're like yeah i'm fluent in spanish French, Italian, whatever, and then Czechoslovakian.

I don't know if there's a separate language.

You don't know one of those.

You can always just say Esperanto.

It's the Esperanto.

It's the best.

It's the best.

So next time you're up on a language learning app, just you're becoming an assassin.

Learn how to climb walls or do a lingo if you're listening.

Putting that is like, and why are you into, oh, I like that.

I don't know why you'd pick the one that French has never advertised with us.

I just don't know why you would pick the one that has never advertised.

Well, of all the ones you've been advertising, we burned the other bridges, Griffin.

We haven't built that one yet.

We didn't.

We did a kick-ass job with those bridges, but the market changed and more famous people opened up podcasts.

But you picked the one that we haven't done?

How are we going to do that?

No, I support that, though, because in a sense, what Travis is saying is like the other ones have proven that they're thirsty for it.

You know what I mean?

Like, the other ones have proven that they will pay for it.

Right.

Yeah.

And Duolingo won't.

So that's fine.

That's fine, guys.

And they have a funny owl thing.

We're not afraid to talk shopping here, guys.

We're not afraid to

let you in on the podcast.

Our life is the podcast.

Our lives are art.

Learn how to climb walls or repel.

Bourne was a master climber.

While we can't recommend you start scaling fire escapes and jumping from rooftop to rooftop, we can definitely suggest joining a local rock climbing gym.

Sure.

That's different from climbing walls, though, isn't it?

Because when you say climbing walls, I'm picturing a Spider-Man type.

You're saying climbable things.

Yeah.

You don't learn what we build from that.

Right.

Sure.

But I'm saying fire escape ladders.

I don't need to learn to do that.

No, you can't use suction cups.

You can't use suction cups when you're summiting.

Like they don't stick to the rocks and stuff.

But Bourne uses suction cups a lot.

I think if I went through all the trouble to train my body and learn a martial art and become an incredible and learn five languages and become an incredible spy, I would never try to go down the side of a building because I could fall and die.

And then what was all of that work for?

Yeah.

It does.

It is.

A lot of these are irritating a little bit because it's like, well, we did tell you to to get in great physical shape first.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's fine.

Sure.

If I, in this alternate world where I got super fit, I bet learning to climb like a rock wall would be very attainable for me.

I do think that.

If there was an article about how to be Batman and the first step was have billionaire parents.

It's like, yeah, every step after that is like, you know, what helps with that.

But again, if I had a billion dollars.

I would not be on WikiHow learning how to become Jason Porn.

I simply would not.

You say that, Griffin, but billionaires get up to some weird shit in their free time.

No, but I would be getting like, you know,

micro machines in my blood that gives me power.

Power, micro, micro, micro, machines.

Micro, micro, just these big fucking monster trucks driving around my veins, making me climb walls real good.

Yeah, and so you could pay Matt Damon to train you to be Dr.

Yeah, for a billion dollars, yeah, for sure.

I could make them name the next Jason Born movie Griffin McElroy Returns, and then I would be it by default.

Sharpen your situational awareness and memory recall.

This would be cool.

If I could with this one, honestly, I could use this right now.

If I could aug my brain like that,

again, same thing applies, wouldn't be here.

Shouldn't I sharpen my memory recall before I start taking on these additional languages?

Like, if there is a path to that, I should definitely sharpen that tool set

before I do the language thing.

Is there a hyperlink there, possibly, to a Wikipedia about how to stop having ADHD?

Yeah,

it could be very useful to me.

Click the monkey just to learn how to stop having ADHD.

The next one, okay.

P.S.

Your ADHD is 100% what brought you to this article in the first place.

You have a 15-minute lunch break, Jason.

I'm going to text you guys the image for this next one.

The next one is get into parkour and learn how to run with style.

And I don't know if you guys are seeing this, but the image that they've chosen shows a red-haired man who has launched himself forwards, headfirst, legs up in the sky, akimbo, Peter Pan style, down a flight of stairs.

There is no reality in which this illustrated gentleman lands this trick.

He is about to eat shit.

He's about to lose a lot of good teams.

I've also zoomed in on this man's face, and it very clearly reads us, oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Why did I jump like this, face down, ass up?

That's the way I like to die on these stairs.

Yes, dumbass.

Parkour is also really intense cardio exercise, so it gives two birds with one stone.

Thanks, article.

Thanks for the life hacks of this discipline you made up.

Dress in unprovocative clothing with dark colors.

Already pretty much doing that, I will say.

No graphic tees on Jason Bourne.

Some of my wardrobe may have to go.

But

keep your hair short, but decidedly unmilitary.

Okay, okay.

Not sure.

I don't see why that makes me more of a Jason Bourne.

I guess.

Sure.

All right.

I like that description, though.

Like that if you're telling me that when I watched the first, the Jason born prime, that I am to look at him and think, yeah, but it's not a military haircut.

No, no, there's no way.

Like, there's no debate.

That's not a military haircut.

I always would also have given him too many clues to the born identity.

Correct.

That's the Dr.

Army man.

I'm clearly some sort of army man.

Look at my hair.

Please are smart.

I must be a doctor army man.

Can you.

My hair is too long for an army man, so I'm clearly not an army though.

You can see they've shaved the word army in the back of my head.

It's I is this the library?

Have I ever worked there?

I feel like I'm a library man, maybe.

Nope.

Oh, shit, I got to jump up this building.

Do you know about any pet stores?

I also, I always have a moment of panic anytime I go to get a haircut and they ask me like, what do you want?

Now I have something that I could say, just like have it loaded in the chamber.

I want it short, but decidedly unmilitary.

And I think I might get exactly what I need.

Obtain at least a passing interest in firearms.

I do like how WikiHow has couched this.

WikiHow recognizes it can't say, get gun crazy.

It can't say that sort of,

you know, responsibly.

But at least a passing interest in firearms.

Griffin, I

thought I knew where that statement was going to go because one of the defining features to me is Jason Bourne's collection of passports.

But then it also occurred to me that probably WikiHow, for many reasons, can't be like, get yourself a bunch of counterfeit passports.

That's a very, very good point, Travis.

Reading the next goddamn point of this WikiHow, get another passport.

If you don't already have a passport for the country you live in, start by getting your passport.

That's actually good.

Thank you so much for that.

Then if you have the time, money, and effort, find another country to try and establish residency.

If you have relatives living abroad, look into the residency requirements there.

You can normally get a passport if you have family already living there.

You can buy your way into a passport in several countries.

Some countries offer very easy routes to citizenship.

They're not saying, Travis, forge fake documents in this,

I would say,

wild

world that we live in.

They are saying responsibly become residents of Minneapolis.

Wouldn't it have been amazing?

If Jason Bourne had opened his safety security box or whatever, and started flipping through 20 passports, they've all all said, Jason Bourne, Jason Bourne, Jason Bourne, Jason Bourne, Jason Bourne, Jason Bourne.

And he was like, oh, I guess I'm.

Ah, perfect.

And then a letter from his uncle in Paraguay that's like, here's the passport.

You're a citizen now.

I love you, Jason.

It's been Jason Bourne.

Come visit me anytime, Jason Bourne.

Tog Fraud Lein.

It's me, German man Jason Bourne.

Oh, God damn it.

Look, he's put stickers all over his passport pages.

There's no way we can read these numbers.

Focus on your mission and always have a goal.

This is where the wheels come off a lot for me is that now it's like, okay, now you're Jason Bourne.

Here's what you're going to do with it.

And they don't have a great answer because they also can't say, you know,

kill your fellow super soldiers.

Well, at that point, it's coming from your contact to the CIA, right?

Because I assume that when you get recruited to the CIA to join the Bourne program, you're handed,

I guess, a card with this WikiHow URL written on it.

And they're like, let us know when you're done reading it, and then we'll give you an assignment.

Yeah, that is a good point.

A lot of these are just kind of productivity hacks.

Focus on your mission and always have a goal.

Sure.

Maintain a cool, calm demeanor at all times.

Yeah.

I see Jason

a little hyphy.

Like he does get, when he's like trying to kill a guy with a rocket launcher, he's, I don't know how chill Jason Bourne is.

That's why Griffin, at the end of every Jason Bourne movie, he sits down with his journal and writes like, Had another slip-up today, gotten mad again, gotta keep working on it.

Post-credit sequence, uh, make eye contact and speak with confidence, and do everything with conviction and self-assuredness.

Oh, cool, that's cool.

Yeah, I can definitely just flip that switch, but also, I want to be in that job interview where they're like, You're the perfect candidate.

Honestly, we have never interviewed anybody with this much conviction and self-assuredness.

You made eye contact the whole time, you speak with confidence, you're quintilingual, you have incredible skills, and you're so focused.

What's your secret?

And they say, well,

I modeled my whole life on this one WikiHaw article about becoming Jason Borg.

Anyways, I'd love to work here at Best Buy.

I would love to get this job at Best Buy.

There's one thing that they did get kind of nasty on.

This is the last point in the article.

Be prepared for geopolitical events or disasters.

So WikiHow is leaving a little bit of sunlight in the room, a little bit of oxygen for a chance.

It suggests, and all that other stuff about kicking ass and jumping up buildings and all that spy shit you might there might be a thing that happens you never know keep your eyes

but i will also say that this is the equivalent of like going to a professional sporting event and hoping that someone on the field is going to notice you in the stands and be like this guy because i'm pretty sure even if i

as an amateur civilian trained myself to be a peak jason bourne type and then there was geopolitical unrest

If a CAI agent saw me like walking around or some kind of government official, they wouldn't be like, hey, you look like you could be a Jason Bourne.

Come over here.

I got a mission for you.

I mean, that's his whole shit.

That's how it works.

That's his whole shit.

No, Griffin.

He was recruited by a government agency and trained by them.

I guess so.

We're splitting hairs pretty hard here.

Yeah,

I want to call, I want to call foul on this whole article, Griffin, if I could.

Sure, yeah.

Wait, you're trying to disprove a Wiki Howe article?

Okay.

Yeah, I'm going to try.

I think I can do it pretty authoritatively if we look at the Bourne franchise.

Okay.

We have The Born Identity, The Born Supremacy, The Born Ultimatum.

That's Matt Damon's triptych.

Yeah.

Right.

Matt Damon's trilogy.

Those are the ones with Jason Bourne in them.

Yeah.

Those are the Jason Bourne ones, right?

That's my

next movie is called The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner.

Yeah, as Matt is not appearing.

Is he Jason Bourne in that?

No.

He's

Jason Reborn.

The tagline of this film is: there was never just one.

Yeah.

And then the next movie is called Jason Bourne, starring Matt Damon.

Huh.

And Jeremy Renner's not in it because there was just the one Jason Bourne.

What I'm saying is the movies that are about Jason Bourne could not make another Jason Bourne plausibly.

They desperately would love to get the much cheaper Jeremy Renner.

Whole Bourniverse, but it's since they tried.

The interest isn't there.

Listen.

The interest isn't there.

They can't make another Jason Bourne.

There's just the one.

And I also feel like seeing that the last Bourne movie, Jason Bourne, was filmed in 2016, I do have the strangest sense of feeling like I didn't appreciate the boar movies when they were coming.

Didn't even know that there was a little 2061.

I feel bad.

I know, right?

It feels like set

don't at all.

If I could go back in time to when they were making the poster for the Born Legacy, I would have pitched the tagline, there was never a Jason Bourne.

Right?

Yeah, yeah.

One of the first movie of the Born Legacy is Jeremy Ritter waking up like, oh, what?

What?

Yeah.

It's him watching the Born Identity and going, I'm going to be just like that.

He turns off the movie of the Born, the third Born movie, like, what a great film.

I wish I could do that.

And then when they made the new Jason Bourne movie after that one in 2016, the tagline was, oh shit, it's real.

The first scene is Matt Damon turning off the end of the Born Legacy.

Like, I can't believe they got it so wrong.

Anyway, back to work.

Let's take a quick break.

We're going to go to the buddies and we'll be be back right after this.

It's got to be.

Guys,

I've got another brilliant, like, million-dollar website idea.

Another one.

Yeah.

But I don't know how to get started.

I don't, I have no idea where to get started.

I just have the kernel, the, the whisper.

What you need is a garden.

You need an idea garden where that can take

purchase.

Yeah.

Where it can grow and flourish.

And Squarespace is the way to do it.

A little square space of land where you can plant that idea and watch it grow into a beautiful, beautiful pornographic business.

Thank you.

What do I water it with?

Pornographic water.

Okay.

Well, Travis, you'll water it with the water of ideas from world-class designers that have created website website templates that are going to make your website look really good, even if you don't know what you're doing, because they know what they're doing.

And you can just put your pornographic images.

Yeah.

Your pornographic stories,

whatever adult material.

Travis, you're going to be able to do it.

But can I sell my pornographic time, Justin?

Yeah, Travis, anything you want to sell, Squarespace makes it really, really easy.

Or just get the idea out.

Even if you're not a business, Squarespace can help.

Whatever you need to do, this is the place to start.

When people ask me, how do I make a website?

And they do all the time.

They say, Justin, how do I do it?

I say, go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MyBrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Don't wait anymore.

Get that idea.

Get it out there.

Stamps.

You love them.

I love them.

But man, I tell you guys, if I go and buy them at the post office, I always end up eating them on the way home.

It's tough, dude.

They shouldn't put food on stamps.

That's a problem.

Yeah, well, I start licking them, right, to get them ready for when I need them.

Right.

The main action is soaked.

It's so eating adjacent already.

Yeah.

They had Dungeons and Dragons stamps at my post office, and I had to ask for Dungeons and Dragons stamps.

Yeah.

I had to ask another person to sell me those.

Think about it.

Were they delicious?

They're face-to-face.

Were they filling?

They were delicious.

Okay.

These are not problems if you use stamps.com.

This is good.

Establish a need and then fill the need.

And this need we've established is you will

eat a you will eat a stamp if you drive home with them.

You simply will.

Stamps.com handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever.

whenever you can get access to all the USPS and UPS services you need to run your business or your life, I guess, right from your computer or phone, anytime, day or night.

No no lines no traffic all you need is a computer and a printer they even send you the free scale that we've been telling you about and you can get rates you won't see anywhere else like up to 88 off usps and ups and you're not going to believe some of the new flavors they've got lined up there's a chipotle mayo guava lime madness oh yeah they have so yeah there's so many great stamp flavors uh that you can get online that you're not going to find in store where you're just going to have nacho cheese cool ranch some of the usual

have more flexibility

Have more flexibility.

I do like the pickle-blasted one.

Have more pickle-blasted flexibility in your life with stamps.com.

Sign up at stamps.com and use code MyBrother for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage on a free digital scale.

No long-term commitments or contracts.

Just go to stamps.com code MyBrother.

And it says here in the copy, make sure you don't tell people to eat stamps.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, well, we can't possibly record an ad a second time.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

I want a month.

Squad.

I want two months.

Squad.

Welcome to Muncher Quad's Podcast within the podcast profiling ladies and graces of brand eating.

Guys, how do you

be real with me?

How do you feel about Glenn Powell?

Where are you at?

You know, Justin, if I'm being completely honest, I feel an absence of feeling about Glenn Powell.

Had to Google him.

Had to Google him just now.

Sorry, everyone.

Glenn Powell is counting on.

And then, Griffin, after you googled him, did you have the realization that this guy's been in like

a lot of movies, but you never really, he doesn't really stick in the brain, does it?

For a long time, justin i thought glenn powell had been the guy that played the younger brother in the tv show titus with christopher titus but i think that was a different guy who has similar features but is a different human being to glenn powell am i yes that is a separate person okay

yeah i haven't i don't think i've seen any of these flicks but um i thought I got him confused with Glenn Beck for a second, and then I thought, this is an audacious question to ask us to start out the Munch Squad segment.

How do you feel about Glenn Beck?

So Glenn Powell is launching a new line of sauces.

Of what?

Glenn Powell is launching a new line of sauces.

I didn't realize it was a tongue twister until I started saying it.

Glenn Powell is launching a new line of sauces.

I think that's iambic pentameter.

Yeah, Glenn Powell is launching a new line of sauces called Smash Kitchen.

And this, guys, the sky was dark at the launch of Smash Kitchen because the stars were all out to celebrate Glenn Powell's new line of sauces.

Now, before I get into the party, wait, is this in conjunction with somebody or just Glen Jimin had an idea for a sauce?

Cool sauce.

So everyone's favorite actor, Glenn Powell, that everybody knows and loves about, he realized this.

American families and the pantries where their meals begin deserve better.

Oh.

Too many go-to staples are packed with unnecessary additives, artificial nonsense, and things no one can pronounce.

With that realization, Powell assembled a team of seasoned founders who set out to fix that, creating a line of organic, non-GMO pantry essentials that bring wholesome, crave-worthy flavors without the junk.

Oh, okay.

The new line is exclusive available now only at Walmart.

Awesome, dude.

I've been sweating this stuff big time lately.

Yeah, it's been a big, real problem.

All the GMO stuff and all the clean eating and everything is a real thing for Glenn.

What's the concern for Glenn?

Now they only have GPOs.

How do you know?

Glenn Powell organized.

I've pulled together a full report here.

Glenn did talk to Martha Stewart about this.

Said, being out in LA, I think I just became a little bit more aware of what was in my food.

Fuck off in the biggest way possible.

Actually, Glenn Powell, go eat a huge pile of shit.

All the shit you can see in the whole world.

Especially when you're cooking and entertaining people.

You want to give them the best.

Actually, fuck off the hell out of here.

Fuck off the powell.

It's so hard, Glenn.

You and you, I tell you what, you and Katy Perry getting a sauce-powered rocket blast off right to fuck who cares.

I guess

living in L.A., I

pay a little bit more attention.

What does that have to do with anything?

As an L.A.

guy.

You tell me.

As an LA guy,

I think a lot about brain stuff.

Growing up around epic barbecue feasts at our family ranch in Texas, food was always an expression of love, said Glenn Powell, co-founder of Smash Kitchen and co-star of Twisters.

That's my editorializing, but he was in that, believe it or not.

Through fitness, I became more aware and educated on better-for-you food.

Oh, cool.

So basically, what Glenn is saying is because he has the time and money to pay a personal trainer, he now knows what to put in your ketchup.

And because of his sort of geographic location, he knows a little bit more about what he than you do.

I'm reading between the lines here, and I think what Glenn Powell is trying to say is: I started working with a guy who lives in LA who told me what I should and

eating.

Yeah.

Right.

I got a brand deal for sauces.

It was clear to me we needed to make a clean condiment brand.

No second guessing.

Just great flavors.

Connecting guess.

And the moments we love.

Second guess, Glenn.

Glenn, you're creating food for people.

Think twice, please, Glenn.

You should do what, not just like, put that in it.

Wait, but what it why do you mean wait glenn no

grab like put this root in the sauce what is the what's the sand i don't know sand just popped in my head sand hey guys i got a live report i want to talk more about this but i got a live report um coming from the from the party so i just want to we're going to interview some of the poop we already talked to glenn if you guys could i've got i got leo over here At the sauce launch party, Leonardo DiCaprio came to Glenn Powell's sauce launch party.

So here's an interesting thing.

Apparently, Glen Powell knows that Leonardo DiCaprio killed somebody and hid their body because I can't think of any other reason Leonardo Caprio would be at Glen Pal's sauce party, but he's there.

He doesn't do anything.

There's a gentleman behind the two of them who is unnamed, but does seem to be really enjoying.

Hold on.

So we got Leonardo Caprio was there.

Aaron Paul came to this Walmart sauce launch party.

And who's this?

Josh Jumel hiding his entire face.

That's not hiding.

Hiding his face.

That could be anyone.

I love the sauce.

Good job, Glenn.

You say the photo.

Sorry, what was my name?

Josh Duomel.

Everyone's posing at the sauce lunch party.

Everyone loves the sauce.

Here's Josh Duomel.

He's fixed the faith.

That's the real Josh Duomel.

That's the real Josh Duomel.

And yes, look, guys, he's even...

Yeah, Angela from the office came to this sauce lunch.

Hell yeah.

She played Cornhole.

You're fucking kidding me.

Anthony Ramos was there.

What a star-sundered event.

And get this.

His parents came to his party.

That's nice.

I like that.

Glenn Powell.

Family Ranch in Texas.

Let's talk about some of the flavors.

You got organic hot honey ketchup, organic spicy mayonnaise, and organic hot honey BBQ sauce.

Now remember, when you see organic, what that means is nothing.

Smash Kitchen is all about balance.

Real food made better without sacrificing flavor.

That's actually good to hear because I don't want to buy printed out pictures of food.

I want real food.

Thank you.

Real stuff.

I can't eat a picture of ketchup.

Unless it's a stamp.

Yeah, that's true.

Samir Mehta, who is co-founder and CEO of Smash Kitchen.

We weren't trying to reinvent ketchup or mustard.

We just wanted them to taste the way they should using high-quality organic ingredients.

Now, I will draw your attention to the paragraph.

just before in this same press release, which reads, Smash Kitchen reimagines classics like ketchup, yellow, mustard, mayonnaise, and barbecue sauce.

So they are both reimagining it, but not reinventing it.

I do like, once again, this is what I'm looking for in a thing, because it should taste the way it should.

If I eat ketchup and it tastes like mustard, I'm perplexed, if not off-put.

Condiments are just the beginning, said Sean Kane, the co-founder and president of Smash Kitchen.

Our vision is to transform the entire pantry, bringing delicious, organic options to every shelf, one category at a time.

Yes, Sean Kane, you have seen into me the deepest heart of the American consumer who wants nothing more than shelves and shelves lying with Glenn Powell's face.

Please try my milk.

Try Glenn Powell's milk.

Try my pickles.

I'll tell you.

Powell pickles.

Smash Kitchen has really got their finger on the pulse if they make sure that each of these things costs at least a dollar more than a store brand counterpart that contains basically the exact same thing.

They don't just have their finger on the pulse.

They have their finger on the pulse.

Lauren Paul and Aaron Paul were there.

I love this.

We don't know that Glenn put a finger on these two.

I mean,

you know, Glenn.

I don't like that.

Let's not say things about Glenn Powell we can't back up.

Like he's a huge asshole peddling anti-science nonsense.

I don't want a company to

decide what I think ketchup should taste like.

I feel like that decision has been made for me by the way the ketchup from all these companies tastes.

If I get some salty tomatoy water out of Glenn Powell's bottle, that's not, you can't say that's sorry guys.

The other stuff is bullshit.

This is that real ketchup.

Nothing but squished tomato, water, and some salt.

They pretty much figured that out to the point when I go to a restaurant and they have like in-house made ketchup and I'm like, what were you doing?

Just get, just, there's a bottle.

And it has like a tomato and some leaves on it.

And it says ketchup.

And that's all I need.

That's the only ingredient I need in ketchup.

I'm going to send you guys, by the way, a picture of Glenn Powell and Zach Ward, who was in the Titus show, side by side, and you tell me that they're different people.

Have you been working on that particular only

10 minutes?

Okay.

Justin, can I tell you, it's so wild that you brought that up, that event, that Smash Kitchen launch event, because we've got events coming up.

Oh, really?

I'm not going to say that Aaron Paul and Anthony Ramos and Josh DuMel are going to be there, but there's not a 0% chance that they're going to be there.

True.

Because they could be anywhere.

I don't know.

They could be anywhere at any time.

I don't know where that.

Josh DuMel could be in the house with you right now.

Lock your door.

Hiding his face.

Hiding his face.

He could be there behind you.

Don't turn around.

He hates that.

But tickets are on sale now for our shows in Michigan, Minnesota, and Ohio.

All Taz shows are going to be Taz versus during this tour.

And yeah, man, get all the information.

Get all the ticket links at bit.ly slash macroytours.

We're going to be at Origins Game Fair in Columbus.

We're going to be at DragonCon.

And we're going to be in Huntington, West Virginia for

the Harmony House Renaissance Festival happening, I believe, May 2nd.

3rd.

May 3rd.

So come there and get a chance to see us, depending on how muchly forward slash Harmony House Ren Fair with an E.

Yes.

That's where you can go to get tickets.

And for all the information and tickets about our live shows, you can go to bit.ly slash MacroyTours.

Thanks to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You.

It is the number one single across the whole globe on every country's charts in now, like this week.

So like that's huge for Montane and it's huge for us.

So thank you, Montane.

We have

a final thing that one of our listeners wants to be faster than.

We've got to find, what are we, how are we saying this?

Yeah, there's got to be a smoother.

Got a fear?

Yeah.

Okay.

Got a fear.

This year, I want to be faster than my fear of all the old dudes swimming laps at the public pool.

They may be strong and fast, but so am I.

Fuck yeah.

My name's Justin McEroy.

I'm Travis McEroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother.

May kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

It's better, it's better with you

Cause it's true

It's better, it's better with you

My life

It's better with you

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