MBMBaM 759: Face 2 Face: Mommy’s Special Sweets For Good Business Boys

March.

No.

February.

February 1980.

I'm a young broadcaster living in Florida.

I move with my young bride back to West Virginia to take up a news director's job at WKEE Radio.

We are owned by Capital Broadcasting, which has its headquarters in Raleigh, North Carolina.

So I come here in February of 1980 for training.

I bring my young bride because I don't want to go anywhere without her.

And we begin the whole process.

I am here one day.

And the third worst snowstorm in the history of Raleigh.

And I got to tell you something.

1980, you guys were not prepared for a snowstorm.

So we were snowed in.

We had to stay an extra three days in Raleigh and couldn't go anywhere because the streets weren't clear.

So, we spent a nice romantic time, just me and my wonderful wife, Leslie, watching TV, getting take-out food while the snow blew around.

And nine months later,

to the day

Justin Tyler McElroy was born.

And they have never heard this story before.

Is it true?

Well, all I can say is the McElroy brothers are not experts.

And their advice should never be followed.

Oh, Travis insists he's a sexpert.

But there's a degree on his wall.

I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool babies?

One, two, three, fix the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed.

It's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life,

oh,

it's better, it's better with you.

you.

This is true

It's better, it's better with you

My life

Oh, welcome to my brother my brother and me and advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy

What's up, Trav Nation?

I'm your middlest brother Travis Vroom Vroom McElroy

and I'm your sweet baby brother 30 under 30 media luminary Bill Ford tough Griffin McElroy

and I just heard a story about a time my dad nutted

not a lot of hype men in the biz have the guts to come to a town and razz it for not being ready for the natural natural disaster 45 years ago

and then talk about some nut-related activity he's experienced in your city while he's also hey, okay, so

so

It's also weird to kind of give you guys credit for that

Yeah, no Raleigh

I I adore this city with my whole heart.

I think my dad probably could have finished no matter which city he got snowed in.

I don't think there was anything about your city.

would do anything to quit this podcast right now.

Like, like, literally, anything.

You all have a lot going for you.

I don't know that any of it was germane to the activity that transpired.

Because I don't know if cities have slogans, but Virginia's got Virginias for lovers.

What about?

What about?

Raleigh is for nothing.

and it's a picture of me, right?

Because it's about my conception.

Yeah, I know that you're hearing it in the abstract, but I'm a human being, right?

And that's a story of my conception being told to you, the people that paid to see me do jokes.

But it's like, I didn't know that was going to be part of it.

And it is.

The shirt would read, I busted in Raleigh, and all I got was this Justin McElroy.

No,

I think the shirt would probably say if you're busting for a Justin

Get down to Raleigh run don't walk to Raleigh or something like that.

Do you guys think that's why I've been so like on point today?

Like I've been so cool

all day since the Justin.

That is true.

I want to tell

my Justin bobbing out in Raleigh's story.

So wait, tell the dad half first.

Okay, so as I'm so dad busted one time 40 years ago then 45 years later as I'm getting on the elevator from our hotel floor dad is getting back off the elevator having come back upstairs.

He says I forgot my phone.

I'll be there in a minute.

I said okay and it is important to note so that you don't judge me harder than you need to.

Yeah, you do not come out of this story looking great man

Listen, I am what I am.

I'm sitting there holding this beautiful outfit and a bag full of stuff and a backpack on, even in the air conditioning of the hotel.

I am wilting.

So I'm like, okay, cool.

I get down to the lobby.

I think, did he mean down in the lobby or did he mean be at the theater?

It's a five-minute walk away.

And I thought, well, I don't want to be late.

So I started walking.

Shut up.

So then.

No, don't shut up.

That was right.

That was fair.

You bought your seat.

You make whatever noises you want in it.

So then two minutes later, I hear a noise behind me.

I turn and see our dad who has a suitcase and the suitcase has fallen down.

He's about

maybe 50 yards behind me.

I went, oh, good.

Dad made it.

It's hot.

Fuck that.

And I kept walking.

It's, by the way, it's 10 minutes.

And Travis then proceeds to walk 10 minutes with like dad a block behind him and with dad like like regularly like

Hey, wait up or like no he didn't call out

He did not call out

Yeah, okay.

He said he was too winded to call out.

I was pretending like I was being tailed by the least intimidating

government official.

I loved it.

But it also was, I was listening to music.

I didn't want to take my AirPods out and have to talk to my dodge.

So.

Shit, man.

Heavy.

Heavy.

Listen, sometimes I fully embrace.

Sometimes I fully embrace all this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, yeah, I know it's not right.

Gotta love me.

And

it's so cool for the rest of us when you do that, too, is the best part.

Well, that's how you know it's optional when I'm kind and loving.

So then I get to the theater and I'm maybe 10 feet away from the stage door when a shape just zooms past me, so cool, so graceful, does a full like slide stomp on his line scooter

and says, hey, what's up, Trav?

And it's my older brother, the leader of the pack.

I zipped right past dad's old ass, right past Travis, right to the stage door.

I was the first here except for Griffin.

And then he parked and I said, God, that was so cool.

And he said, now I have to walk it back out to the sidewalk.

Yeah, they don't want you to leave it at the stage door.

So it's like, out.

P.S.

If you see a lime scooter near the stage door, please don't take it.

That is going to be my egress home.

Yeah.

And if you want to leave some other scooters there, that's great.

Just to give me options because it was a bit of a bumpy ride um but thanks just don't take my scooter thanks it's kind of mine not a big deal you're really deeply undressing right at this moment

okay

is that

okay may i yeah please go on thank you this is an advice show we take your questions And we turn them alchemy-like into wisdom.

We're so happy to be here with you, Raleigh.

Back in Raleigh.

What's the first question, Trav?

For some reason, it's just not showing up in my the way I eat corn dogs is unusual.

How so Griff?

Speak on that.

Well I hold on.

I don't like the hint of wood flavor the stick leaves behind.

So I always take the stick out and eat that side of the corndog first, leaving the best for last, the top of the corndog.

If I do this in a crowd or around friends, would someone call me out over this?

How can I explain myself besides the stick parts not as good, so I eat them backwards?

That's from Customary Corndog Custom in Tennessee.

Are you here?

All right.

So, this is how I do it.

No, I'm saying that's

I think that's great.

That's how I do it.

I don't like the wood flavor in the corndog, so I take the stick all the way out and I eat the ass.

Can I just, if you don't like the wood flavor of the stick and the corndog, may I suggest you turn your attention to a stickless hot dog option?

There's so many vehicles there for you.

I'll split the uprights here because Griffin, a hot dog is different from a corn dog, and you know that.

You're right.

I just wanted to seem funny and cool in front of all these guys.

And Justin, if you remove the serving conveyance from the corn dog, you've removed all the convenience from the experience.

Okay, see, this is where I disagree because you're going to need to tell me how a corn dog is not just an edible bun.

Because it's, if I wanted a hot dog by the bun, everyone would think that's great and love me, okay.

But if it's encasing it with corn,

that's a crime?

Seems suspect to me.

Because in theory, it's the thing that makes the corn dog special.

Are you eating or are you doing a theory about corn dogs?

Are you eating them?

Are you writing a treatise on their philosophical impact?

Are you taking the stick out the ass because it tastes like wood, you know?

Yeah.

Okay, this is a good point.

It's the year 2025.

We've had so many culinary innovations.

How have we not made the wood a seasoned, like this is going to add a smoky flavor?

Edible.

Yes, something that's going to bring a little something to the experience.

You may be thinking, what are you going to put in there?

Chemicals, microplastics?

It's a fucking corn dog.

You're not that cool.

You're not proud.

You put anything in there.

I love the if I see someone.

If I see some.

Like a rosemary scented stick.

I'm saying, add some.

Travis, you can pitch your artisanal corndog brand to the sharks later.

If I see someone.

God stays in this room.

If I see any of you trying to steal that heading, I'll know.

We've got to have a backup plan, guys.

Please.

If I see someone eating a corn dog, something has gone wrong.

First, and first and foremost, I can't think of a scenario where I'm going to just see someone eating a corn dog.

Second of all, if I see someone...

What?

What?

Where am I?

You said it, and I'll stand behind.

Where do you routinely go to conventions?

I'm not seeing a lot of corn dog action at conventions, Trump.

I think, Griffin.

I don't see the cast of fucking Arrow in the green room like, yummy, yummy.

Man, what an elitist point of view, Griffin, that now your only experience of a con is the cast of Arrow.

When you're on our side looking out, you fuck fuck with the cast of arrow and they don't eat corn dogs.

If I see you eating a corn dog, that's a problem.

If I see you rip the stick out of the corndog, I don't care which side of the corndog you eat next.

What you just did is barbaric and insane.

Okay, here's.

Okay, listen.

Now, here's, think about this for a second.

If you see a corn dog, right, and someone has a corn dog on a picture.

A picture?

Corn dog, okay.

Where am I that I'm seeing someone with a corndog?

I'm at the state fair.

Okay, you're at the state fair.

You're at the pumpkin festival, okay?

You're at the West Virginia Pumpkin Festival.

You're eating some pumpkin dumplings.

I'm like, let's go get a corn dog.

Do I have like a pumpkin butter that I'm dipping the corn dog into?

Because that would be amazing.

No, it's not pumpkin butter or corn dog.

It's just like separate.

So, okay, fuck.

Let me reset.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, so you take the stick out the ass.

Right.

If you see someone do that.

Corn dogs are my own.

Yeah.

So if you

see someone take the stick out of the corn dog and then eat the head of the corn dog or the tip as you might say if you

come

up if you see someone take bite the tip you're all the thing you think is you could have done that with the stick in it it's so far from the wood flavor yeah exactly so but if someone I'm saying if you see someone remove a stick in your head you should think he better be about to eat the ass because otherwise I don't know why he did it and then if they take the stick out and they eat the ass it's like yeah you want to start with the ass but you can't because of the stick it makes sense to me there is also though the element justin that if i see someone remove the stick and then start at the tip my thought process is oh they must like me have no concept of where the stick begins within the corn dog and they're worried i'm saying i'm saying if you remove the stick from the corn dog and then bite the tip you're just like angling for quirk it's manic pixie bullshit man okay just eat it you know what i mean you don't have to have a thing you don't need a gimmick just eat it from the ass because it's better that way.

Eat it from the ass because it's better that way.

I also,

just to put a bow on it, can't imagine you're in a corndog eating situation in which someone around you is going to clock your etiquette and think, why, that's not appropriate for this venue.

I think you guys, your guys' strident opinions that rise instantly to the surface about corndog consumption beg to say otherwise.

I think you guys would have lots of judgment for corn dog consumption.

No, no, no.

I'm saying that rarely is a corn dog what someone's ordering at like Tavern on the Green, which I imagine is a fancy restaurant.

And then someone would eat it, pull out the stick, and they'd be like, how gauche?

Yeah, that's true.

How about another question?

I'd love that, please.

I went to a coffee shop to work on a project for work.

Okay.

I ordered a latte, an almond croissant, and then got sucked into my spreadsheets, Google Docs,

et cetera.

This led me to to not eat my croissant for a few hours.

The next time I went into the coffee shop, the barista asked if I bribe myself with a sweet treat to get my work done.

Because they noticed how long it took me to eat the croissant last time, I panicked and said yes,

even though that's not true.

She said it, she did the same thing and we became friendly.

Now whenever I see her, I feel like I have to order a pastry and wait until I'm nearly ready to leave to eat it.

How do I escape this polite pastry problem?

And this is from Really Ravenous and Raleigh.

Are you here?

Hello.

It's quite a situation, quite a pickle you got yourself into, huh?

This is what happens when you lie, gang.

You've also created like an accidental accountability partner.

In my head, at some point, I realized I started assembling a list of things it's okay to notice about other other people, specifically myself.

And I've noticed as I age, that list becomes vanishingly small.

Yeah, sure.

I want people to notice almost none of my actions.

If someone walks up to me and says, I noticed you eating a corn dog, pulled the stick out, and then ate the ass first, I would say, that's like too, too many things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Way too close attention.

But I suppose if it is at a business where you work and kind of can't leave, you're looking for any kind of plot lines you could follow just to help get through the day.

I think that this could be an amazing business model though because a lot of people go to the coffee shops to get their work done.

So what if it was a coffee shop that explicitly said like oh do you like this brownie?

Excellent.

Yeah that'll be like 350 or whatever.

And we will deliver this brownie to us to you when you show us that your work is good.

So it's

mommy's special sweets for

special sweets.

Hey, listen, mommy, with ADHD, I would love having an adult tell me like, yeah, you can have this when your work is done.

Yeah, that's all I need.

Yeah, when I do that, he gets all mad at me.

It's like,

yeah, but that's all for show.

I love it.

I actually, I have an 11-15 face-to-face meeting down at Mommy's Special Suites for Good Business Boys.

Yes, it is the cafe where they don't give you the sweets until you've been a good boy and done all of your business.

And, like, if maybe if they clock you, like, not scrolling on your phone for a while, they come by and say, like, hey, I noticed.

You're doing a great job.

Doing well.

doing so well.

I'm proud of you.

I want to say that I think this person who works at a sweet treat store, who is motivated themselves by denying themselves sweet treats, should talk to somebody that cares about them because I think they need to find another way of doing it, okay?

That's true.

They have to make sweet treats, and until they finish the sweet treats, they cannot eat a sweet treat.

It's like, and that makes it really hard.

Like, when I worked at Blockbuster and I was socked candy, by the end of of the two hours, I think, if I don't eat a banana runt soon, I'm going to go fucking insane.

Right.

These things smell amazing.

Banana runts smell amazing?

They are a thing which will always be the thing that when something smells like them, I will say, this smells like banana runs.

Right?

Everything that smells like that isn't that smell.

It smells like banana runs.

That's how incredible they are.

Can you go and say, one, you lied?

There's no situation out of this where you're not like, I lied.

I got nervous.

I don't know you.

I had to talk to you, so I lied.

Thanks, man.

This thing's really fucking shedding.

Can you believe the quality of this

fucking Lightning McQueen onesie that I found online isn't for big boys?

You're going to have to go and you say you lied.

And you say it's not because I have to finish my work.

I just like it when the croissant gets really old.

I like an aged croissant,

hard, puck-like, stale.

I can't have it be too good too fast.

I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve it.

I haven't finished my business yet.

Do you guys ever have a moment where you go to like a coffee shop or a bistro and you order like a sandwich or something and they ask if you want it heated up?

Yeah.

And you don't and you feel like you've disappointed them?

Like I was supposed to get it heated up.

It was a trick question.

The answer is yes, of course.

That's how the chef recommends it or whatever.

Some sort of guidance would be so amazing.

Do you know where they fucking hate that?

Is Subway.

If you're like, I want it toasted, but please do that before you put the meat on.

Man, they hate that.

And I feel like that should be the baseline, right?

No one wants hot meat, right?

We want a hot bread and cold meat, right?

Hot bread, cold meat.

Hot bread, cold meat, treat you right.

Cool nights.

Cool nights, hot love.

Temperate religion.

I'm going to be thinking about that for the rest of the show.

I'm saying they're like, do you want it toasted?

Yes.

You have to then specify, not at the end, I want it to happen now.

Don't say another word about sandwiches.

What that means until the bread's in the toaster, and then we can talk.

That is a human being that from the moment they start the process to the moment they put it in the toaster, if that's what you want, has...

trained themselves to zone out completely and you interrupted yeah with a new step, and they're like, I have to think during this process.

Fuck you.

The one that was most confusing is when, after the toasting, they were like, Do you want cheese?

And I'm like, I already cooked it.

Are you going to start putting raw ingredients onto my sandwich?

It is way too late for raw cheese.

I want my cheese melted, my bread hot, my meat cold, my lettuce timbre and average.

Absentia.

My lettuce next door.

My lettuce in absentia.

My spinach, four leaves, if you please.

I can't eat a sandwich that isn't confusing to the palate.

Can you just say, I'd like the chocolate croissant?

You go and sit down and 30 seconds later, you go, yes!

I got

the big sale.

Breakthrough alert?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Can you come in like you've been on an all night working bender?

Like I've been, I haven't even slept.

I'm almost done with the big project.

You have to trust me.

I've been a good boy already.

And then you say, like, I i think that'll be it and they're like you want a sweet treat and you're like wait say that again sweet treat of course i cracked it eureka

we both deserve one

how about another question maybe i've recently dug a vegetable garden in my backyard and one of my neighbors had advised me to rather than buy mulch take bags of yard waste from the side of the road and use that instead.

My question is, how do I do that without looking like some kind of trash-stealing goblin?

And what if I'm seen doing it?

That's from not a trash goblin.

Are you here?

Hello.

Hello.

Yes, I am here, man.

Crunch, munch, crunch, munch.

Is it possible your neighbor hates the smell of mulch because it smells terrible?

And they're like, oh, you know what I've heard?

You know what I saw on TikTok?

They don't really tell, they don't warn you about this when you're a parent, but they will remulch your school your kids school's playground several times a year and you will have to answer the question several times a year of why does it stink like shit everywhere

and it's like well they put that down to keep you safe i guess why does it have to smell like shit i don't know my son

I got I was in a similar situation because there's these guys that are digging a gas pipeline near my house and they got they put down grass seed and then they put hay on top of it right to protect it and I need to put some grass seed up in a small area of my home, but I don't have any hay So as I was driving past the guys I started thinking like they were done and I saw two bales and I thought I'm just gonna ask these guys for some of the hay There's no way on earth you actually did that though, right?

Yeah, you didn't ask someone give me the hay you didn't start a conversation with a stranger to say let me get that Let me get that plant for free.

That's not you

There's no way I thought it would be maybe saving them a hassle.

Okay.

Like if maybe like hay disposal is one of the more annoying parts of the job.

Okay.

Maybe I could be of assistance there.

And maybe they just want to do a solid turn for a friend.

Yeah.

And just give me the hay because I don't know where to get hay is the other thing, right?

So it's not just about the hay.

It's about all the time it's going to take to figure out my whole hay deal.

Yeah.

So I go up to the guy with full intent.

I'm about to ask this man for his hay.

And then as I got there, my brain started second-guessing it.

And along the pipeline, the question became, where did you get your hay?

So I said to the man, where'd you get hay?

Awesome.

Fuck yeah, man.

That fucking rules, man.

No one who needs to know that information must ask that information.

If you need hay, you know where it is.

But I do need hay and I don't know where it is.

I don't, and I didn't,

he was there already, and I was already talking to him because I was about to bum hay off of him, right?

So it seemed like we already had a rapport in my head, so I just asked him where to buy hay.

There is like a I would say one in 1,000 chance that you would have done that.

And the other worker would have been like, Oh my god, don't get him started.

And then he's gonna be like, You want the best hay?

And he's gonna launch into a full explanation for you, and that would be worse for you.

Yeah, I realized

I I realized at some point that I must have only said hey because he just said hey

and then I just kept driving.

Awesome.

Oh, you were in your automobile.

I was in my automobile.

Well, I'm gonna walk down.

I'm gonna walk away from that.

No way, man.

Remember the black bear?

Same thing.

I'm not gonna leave the vehicle if I need to make a quick escape.

Yeah.

I like the bear encounter.

Do you have any hay, by the way?

Catch me after the show if you got hay.

Catch him outside with the hay after the show.

Bear encounter and talking with another human being are of equal danger to Justin Mackor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm getting.

How expensive is a second-hand garbage truck that you could drive down

right out in your overalls?

It escalated so fast.

I'm trying to be helpful.

No one questioned.

I've never seen a sanitation worker

show up in a garbage truck, take my garbage, dump it in the truck, and me think maybe they're secretly stealing.

Show me some identification.

It's the perfect crime.

Yeah, but you can't just be a trash truck that only picks up plants.

Actually, that may exist.

Where else do you think they go, Griffin?

Yeah, that's...

Back to the earth?

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah, but not in that location.

Can you create a sort of ghillie suit that you wear and sort of shamble around and then when you come and you steal the bags of roughage from outside of the homes if someone sees you and they'll be like denise i fucking told you there you already

get a little taller when you steal that like oh he's adding to himself where do you get the first long clippings to make the ghillie suit if i had the ingredients for a ghillie suit i'd be fine All right, if you could create like a cryptid like legend in your neighborhood of like the cryptid that steals

like yardways, no one's going to believe it, but they're going to be fine with it.

Yeah, it's cute.

It's going to get on the news.

We have a leshy situation in

our neighborhood.

Keep your head, keep your eyes locked out.

Don't look at him.

We don't want him to stop doing it.

It's very convenient for us, actually.

What if there's a scorpion in there?

What if there's a scorpion?

Did you even think about that?

I don't know what's in yard waste.

Or even a slug, frankly.

Street yardways?

I'd actually rather a scorpion be in there because at least when I freak out over that instead of a slug, everyone around will understand.

We love you.

Get hydrated.

We'll be right back.

We'll be back.

It's Hallelujah.

It's Hallelujah.

Hi, everybody.

It's me, Travis, here with, of course, my main man, my older brother, Justin McElroy.

It's me, Justin McElroy, and I'm ready to do the ads now.

Well, Justin, as you know, today when we're recording this, is Widdle Griffin McElroy's birthday,

Small McCartney.

His special day.

And so he said that he couldn't do ads, but he did leave me this note that I'm going to read right now.

He said, all I want for my birthday is for you guys to tell people about Rocket Money.

Wow, that's it?

Yeah, he said, so he wanted people to know that Rocket Money can find subscriptions you forgot about or something that you paid twice and didn't realize it.

They can also help cancel subscriptions for you

and alert you to an increase in subscription price, all kinds of stuff.

It's a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

And Griffin put here, make sure to tell them, because it's my birthday, that Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features.

Now, I don't know about you, Justin, but it's starting to feel like maybe Griffin

is

being paid by Rocket Money to write this letter to us.

Yeah,

this feels like sponsored content or advertorial, I guess.

Yeah, something like that.

It's unfortunate to see our relationship deteriorate to this point.

Especially since, like, we haven't talked to Griffin in several days.

And this is like the only communication he left.

Oh wait, he did.

What is there anything else on there, Travis?

Yeah, it says

make sure to tell them that they can cancel their unwanted subscriptions and reach financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Download the Rocket Money app and enter my, he said my show name, which I find interesting.

My brother, my brother, and me in the survey so they know I sent you.

Don't wait.

Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about it from my show.

Sincerely, Whittle is brother, Griffin, quote, Samal McCartney, in quote, McElroy.

Wow, it's nice to hear from him, I guess.

I wish we'd heard some anything else from Griffin would have been.

Oh, wait.

Where he is.

How interesting.

Oh, there's a knock at the door here?

Yep.

Okay.

Hello, it's me.

My name is Philip.

I'm a singing telegram.

Your brother, Griffin, sent me.

So me what I'm talking about.

I thought you left the gap there.

I thought it was a conversation.

No, no, no.

That's part of the song.

Oh, okay.

Hello, my name is Philip and I am a singing telegram.

Your brother Griffin sent me to get you out of a jam.

A gift-giving jam.

Okay.

You want to give something great?

You want to give something that's not a plate?

Well, let me tell you, Griffin says you can't go wrong with aura frames.

Do you have a mom?

Do you have a dad?

Did you used to and now you have different stuff?

Well, get them an aura frame.

Setting it up is not too tough.

Hey, Philip, sorry, real quick.

Can I interrupt you for a second?

This is your bed, Travis.

Well, this is my part.

You can give some details.

Oh, okay.

It's not just for your mom or dad or dead parent, as Philip alluded to.

It's a great gift for everybody.

Maybe your little brother who sent you a singing telegram on your birthday.

Whatever.

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495 gift guides.

That's a lot.

That's more gift guides than you were featured in.

And Aura's got a great deal for your mom.

Okay.

Here on Mother's Day,

Griffin sent me with 40 bucks that he paid me to say.

Maybe I should read this part, Philip.

Do you think just so it's clear

oh god philip's crying um

okay this is gonna be all day real quick

aura has a great deal for mother's date for a limited time better than philip

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Terms and conditions apply philip i'm sorry i didn't mean to imply that you weren't doing a great job can i finish the song yeah of course sorry sorry travis ended it so bad with a weird energy and a low low temperature nobody's gonna respond to that cta that's a call to action in the biz that's a part of the song he wrote it oh griffin how did he know well i guess he could probably assume i would ruin it okay um i also want hey philip yes before you go i I wanted to let you know that tickets are on sale now for our live shows in Michigan, Minnesota, and Ohio, and that Minnesota, my brother, my brother, and me has already sold out, so you won't be able to make it to that one, Philip.

Can I sneak in the back door?

Um, no, we're not.

Oh, then, yeah, of course.

Wow, you wear a lot of hats, Philip.

That's where I keep my money

under your hats.

Okay, all Taz show will be

tell him, Philip.

now you've got to kill him

what what was that philip your money hats you gotta bury him again time to get a new identity

danger but out of town phil

okay um all taz shows will be taz versus and all the information and ticket links are available at bit.ly slash macro tours we're also going to be at origins game fair and dragon con find out all about it uh over at our site um the merch everything's there too So go check that out.

Philip, you said you wanted to show me something in this dark alley over here.

Yeah, come on into here.

It's perfectly

safe for you.

Okay, sounds reasonable.

Hey, everybody, enjoy the rest of the show and thanks to Raleigh for having us.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

I want a munch!

Squad!

I want to munch!

Squad!

Welcome, Munch Squad.

It's a

podcast.

Thank you.

It's a podcast within a podcast.

Profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating.

And you know that Subway likes to get up to some things.

Some of the things that you know Subway has gotten into include, is it tuna?

I don't know.

That was a big one.

Remember,

Subway had the kind of rep where people were like, the fish ain't fish.

And

in the science show that it wasn't fish, and they were like, we'll deny it to our graveyard.

We are so surprised.

We're as surprised as you are.

We're like, so surprised.

Well, you've been doing Munch Squad for a while now.

Have you ever thought about starting a podcast within Munch Squad?

That's a podcast with the Munch Squad Jr.

is a podcast within a podcast within Madden.

When we have Munch or Munch Squad Bites, I've called it both, but sometimes there's a small Munch Squad that is in the Munch Squad.

And if he goes any deeper than that, he ends up in limbo, and then we have to throw him off the stage.

Down there and tiny paul rudd is like you've gone to deep yeah we're mixing our cinematic metaphors but yeah for sure yeah um so i know the perfect thing to wake me up would be a real kick to my palate and there's nobody that can deliver that like subway

paul let's see that great new offering foot-long nachos

jesus christ

Jesus Christ.

Now for business.

Wait, is the breakfast thing your own kind of sick twist?

Because

kick

Is the breakfast thing your own kind of sick twisted skewed thing or were they also were they genuinely like come on into Subway for breakfast nachos?

No, there's no breakfast angle.

Oh, he was talking about the kick to get him out of the inception Okay, now I understand the joke this can I just say having worked many many a terrible job My immediate reaction when I see this is thinking about the onboarding of the everyday Subway employee.

Yeah.

When a manager comes and goes, all right, guys, so

yeah, this week, corporate wanted me to let you know,

we're going to be doing nachos from now on.

That's our new deal.

Oh, it is going to require a six-week intense training course.

We were pretty harsh on AI, and I think it was deserved and pretty good.

But I do think it was a person that thought feet of nachos, one small sprite, nailed it.

That's exactly how no one asked them for hydration to be part of the picture, except presumably their boss.

And they decided, um, three feet of these is going to be about 11 ounces of tap water.

We'll get that down for you.

I also want to point out the inconsistency of shadows

in a way that makes it look like they had the picture, and then they thought, this just looks like the nachos are floating in a shapeless void.

So they had Doug go in and shade it in with a pencil.

The upper one looks like it's actually a dire wolf.

That's just like emerging.

The portented nachos.

Listen, these get nastier than those are Doritos, okay?

They're Doritos.

Fuck off.

Two legendary brands, Subway and Doritos, are coming together for the most iconic calabo of the year.

Doritos, foot-long nachos.

The one on the bottom looks like it has raspberries or raisins or something.

Good eye.

Subway's latest foot-long snack is freshly prepared to order, starting with classic Doritos nacho cheese-flavored chips.

Not the original.

Did you guys know that?

Original Doritos, not nacho cheese-flavored.

Yeah, taco-flavored.

Weird.

Subway's latest foot-long snack is freshly prepared, starting with Doritos nacho cheese-flavored chips, layered with cheddar cheese sauce and shredded Monterey cheddar cheese.

Whoa, I haven't pooped for four years in the future.

Just reading that sentence, I'm cyber constipated.

Justin, can I just say, I've never thought about the fact that there doesn't exist like an original flavor Dorito, that the only ones are all flavor, like Pringles has Pringles and then all the other things on it.

There is no like base Dorito.

It is a base Dorito, but they don't sell it anymore.

No, but even this Dorito is a flavor.

But it's not

this audience audience does not care about Doritos.

I don't know how much clearer they can be.

Listen,

the cheese is balanced, though, with a spicy jalapeno slices, diced tomatoes, and red onions finished with zesty, Baja Chipotle sauce.

Guests can add rotisserie.

Now, this is the part that fucks me up pretty bad.

So listen to this.

No, no, no, it is.

Listen to the sentence, okay?

Guests can add rotisserie-style chicken or steak at no no extra charge wait with the option to add a scoop of smashed avocado for an additional cost hey guys this is fucked up what they're saying is it's easier for them to find cows than it is to find avocados you understand they got cows and chickens come out the ears have that for free no problem but if you want to smash an avocado on top that's going to cost listen i am not advocating for anyone in the audience to do this so please don't do it but is it possible justin that that sprite soda in the corner with a qr code on it is an arg that it's going to start you down a path the game is afoot

the game ends with you on multiple toilets

it says

Order ahead, rump the line.

All right.

Cool.

All right.

So I'm sure everybody scanned that and got some access points at Subway Club.

Here's a quote.

Subway's newest partnership takes everything our fans love about Subway sandwiches from quality veggies, proteins, and tasty toppings to the next level with the cheesy flavor and iconic crunch of Doritos.

Said Paul Fabra, the senior vice president of culinary and innovation at Subway.

So what he's saying is, we take everything people like about Subway.

Yeah.

We ruin it.

And we say, let's do nachos instead.

Because if they were being honest, Paul Falbro would say, you know everything you love about Subway sandwiches.

They're there.

It's an option for when you're like, I think a hamburger is bad for me, but maybe a sandwich doesn't feel so bad.

And what we've done is remove any of that ambivalence, any of that doubt, and let you know, yeah, it's bad for you.

You know what's so sad?

I'm looking at this picture and thinking that this is still the fast food chain I turned to when I just want something light.

Yeah, sure.

Just a little

peckish.

Maybe some subway would be nice.

I think it should be illegal to sell nachos in a unit of measurement other than

maybe weight or volume.

I also know to bring the three Christian dimensions into this.

I also know that there exist drive-through subways.

Right.

And

introducing a foot-long trough of drive-through nacho.

No fucking way is the structural integrity of that cardboard up to the task

of being handed from one person to another person through an open window.

These guys are fucking sandwich artists, man.

They are pros at handing over foot-long food, guys.

Seals in a wrapped container like a mummy.

There's no way that's getting, especially I'm getting it and maybe handing it off to someone.

There's so many failure points.

Imagine if the ensogening happens at the midpoint and it just like schlurps the whole mess.

They're sandwich artists, Justin.

They are not nacho engineers, which is a totally different skill set.

Whether you're this is, sorry, Paul wanted to mention one other thing.

Whether you're in the mood for a snack, pairing them with your favorite sub, or sharing with friends, there's one acceptable one.

Subway and Doritos are serving up even more flavor in every satisfying bite.

Don't act like this meets a bunch of needs.

No, I love the idea of being

filling a niche.

I'm going to need a foot-long sub,

but I don't think that's going to be quite enough.

I need to eat me a great pairing.

One-third of a yard of nachos.

I have a two-foot hunger, and it could only be satisfied with two feet of food.

Do you want a yard of cookie, like a foot of cookie to go with it?

Don't be ridiculous.

No.

So like a two-foot square?

Nope.

A two-foot straight pipe of food, baby.

Okay.

Here, quote, there's another.

You could pick up the nachos, put them on the sandwich, condense it into the same linear space.

Too tall.

Whenever you have a collaboration, both companies always have to get a hand on the ball.

So on the Doritos front,

we didn't approve of the...

the help, help, help, don't put this on us.

This was a bridge too far.

The Taco Bell shit we fucked with, but this is pretty wild.

Listen,

we're proud to team up with Subway to bring a bold take on the classic nachos experience by combining the bold, cheesy crunch of Doritos' nacho cheese chips and Subway's freshly prepared ingredients, said Scott Finlow, chief marketing officer, PepsiCo, away from home.

Now, Now,

do you know how hard they had to work to not put Doritos in that person's job title?

Why, why the abstraction is what, like, they should be like chief crunch officer, you know, Scott Danger or something.

This is a, this is something, is Pepsi Coe away from home the name of it, or did they catch him away from home?

Yeah, yeah.

Pepsi Coe away from home because we don't want, we need a comp, like it's like a division that we can shut down.

we need a fall guy for if this subway nachos that was in classic Pepsi code that was Pepsi

code away from home we don't even know

that's actually not related can I say Justin Scott

Scott's

assertion that we are excited to be a re-envisioning of nachos where get this

It's a foot chips

with cheese and other things on top of it.

We done changed the nachos.

Well, Travis, okay.

If you were at a funeral and you opened up the casket and there were nachos inside, you would be like, this is a bold reinvention of what I know about nachos.

Hey, Griffin, that's the wildest fucking leap I've ever heard.

That if I opened a coffin and saw, I'm out awake, I open the coffin, it's full of nachos, and I think, wow, they really changed the nachos.

I'm just saying how completely pedestrian to say these look like nachos, how tame.

When in fact, it is not the form that has changed, but the method of delivery.

You walk walk into a subway and they have fucking nachos?

What?

Yeah, so why not say in the press release, we're changing that nacho game by having them at Subways?

Yeah, that is a question.

It's like Subway's in the meeting, Doritos is like, so anyway, in closing, it's some Doritos and you put nacho stuff on them.

And Subway's like, I still don't understand why we are here.

Why do we have to be a part of this?

Open up a new store.

It's a good idea.

We just don't want to be a part of it.

We don't have any of the infrastructure for this.

Our cheese has to get melted in a big oven that we also put the bread in to bake.

Nothing is good.

We don't have liquid cheese.

Our only chips are baked lays still with Olestra, dog.

That's it.

We're going to have to change the plumbing for this.

What is a Dorito?

So that's the Doritos Nachos at Subway.

Thank you so much, Subway and Doritos.

We're gonna do some live questions now, calling down people who sent in their questions in advance.

Please don't approach the microphone if we do not call your name.

Paul, while we're waiting, do you have the picture of the statue?

for us to talk about

we'll talk about it for a second because several people emailed us and uh we thought that we could address the the raleigh the issue if you have the uh the image it is uh a few people

i mean literally the minute after my dad walked off stage i opened my ipad and i had an email that was called nutting in raleigh and it okay

So you guys have it's a thing right like this legend has been passed around I guess

is it really called?

Is it titled by the artist the big nut?

Or is that just what y'all call it?

No one knows.

No one knows.

It's lost the time.

Anyway, one day it looks like it will open and reveal like some kind of dynasty.

It will be me.

I will emerge from it.

The stories are true.

The artist was dad 45 years ago when he dropped a huge nut.

Huge.

That's legendary.

That's a no-nut.

I emerged from a nut named Thought.

Yes.

My nature was irrepressible.

Okay, listen.

I'm sorry for the interruption.

Please go ahead.

Hello.

Yeah, go ahead.

Hello.

Hi, I'm Maggie.

She heard.

Hi, Maggie.

Thanks for coming to Raleigh.

Yeah, thanks for having us back.

It was also the end of the train line, so we would have gone back the other way if we hadn't gotten off there.

Well, appreciate the stop.

And they wouldn't let us do that.

They were really weird about it.

Where we said one more again, and they were like, no, no, no um so what's your question well i guess to stay on theme um i do have a nut related question amazing you've come to the right place thank you uh i figured as much so i teach ukulele yeah and the fun thing about musical instruments is they have all these different what do you teach them

I'm so sorry, Maggie.

He got you so good just there.

It's really nasty.

It's fucked up, honestly, but he got you so fucking good.

Like, blasted.

Sorry, go ahead.

Face melt mode.

Anyway.

I guess, yeah, you did get me.

Thank you.

That's the only reason we called you down.

Thank you so much.

No, no, no, Maggie, no, no, Maggie, no, Maggie.

What's your question?

Okay, so there are lots of different parts of the ukulele, and I'll have students label them with different

tactile labels.

And one of the parts is the nut.

Right.

And I teach second through fifth grade, so.

Yeah.

No, unfortunately, that's where it starts, gang.

Are you actually able, I'm curious, to pinpoint, like, I've been working on, say, a year and a half, and they haven't laughed at the nut until now.

It's exactly.

Oh, no, they're innocent.

It's just gone.

Yeah, it's like a psychological developmental stage.

Yes.

I first wanted to say I was the first one and read your question, and I thought it was good, and I wanted to include it.

And it took me a distressingly long time to find it again due to the challenges of spelling ukulele.

Oh, that's fair.

It did.

It did a few passes, but I did get back there.

Do you have a mnemonic device to help my brother and any other people here in the audience on how to spell ukulele in the because Travis backstage shouted the wrong spelling?

I will, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry at the top of his fucking mind.

We were going one, you or three.

So certain.

I remember it from one Homestar Runner video where they say, ukulele.

That's it.

UK U L E L U, right?

Ukulele.

Yep.

All right, great.

So, we have

the image of that.

Just so you can see, so far your efforts have been to underline the word nut and print the word nut in a bunch of cards and underline the word nut.

It looks like every part of the ukulele is called the nut.

So, just so we can be clear,

this is where you're starting from.

Your first thought was print the word nut over and over again and underline it and hand it to the kids.

And we all know what part of the ukulele is the nut, but for the one person in the audience.

Don't say a fucking word, Maggie.

We should should have to guess what the nut is hey maggie something else i'll say a lot of times i'm not sure i can help people but i'm pretty sure we could make it less funny than you've done here honestly this is pretty much what five-year-olds dream of so we're handing them a card with the word nut underlined in case they missed how funny it is

Is it the part you turn to tune it?

No, that's the tuning peg.

All right.

I don't need to know what it is.

I just need to know what it isn't.

So it can't.

Is there a difference?

Griffin, what is the nut on a unique?

Fuck, I was hoping you wouldn't ask.

Is it the thing that the string goes in?

It's like the bridge, you know, the bridge?

Yeah.

The nut is the other end of the bridge.

Right, yeah.

That's what I was talking about.

I thought so.

Paul's going to now zoom in on the nut

yes scope that

nut scope the nut's a pro I'm sure he knows where the nut is right Paul Paul's looking wait is that it Paul's looking I wasn't that far off yeah yeah it's not that big of an instrument though Trav to be fair it's hard to miss

do they really need to know this to play the ukulele yeah if they don't already know it call it something else they're not gonna correct you yeah just say and this is called the

twisting.

What do you guys think teachers do?

You don't pick one thing to lie about.

That's not the job.

No, they don't, Justin.

I don't know what the.

You're allowed to have one thing to lie about as a teacher.

One.

You should be able to.

You already have to do that to tell them they need algebra.

I don't see why you have to waste it on the ukulele.

I think you should be able to tag in the health class teacher just for this one thing no that's that's a good point they get paid the big bucks to discuss uncomfortable topics

like the nut start pronouncing it newt

ukulele newt newton

and then you're not lying you're just wrong

Does that help?

Yes, that's helpful.

Thank you so much, Maggie.

Thank you.

It's good.

Back to baseline.

Back to our baseline picture.

Hello.

Hello.

Can you confirm your name for me real quick?

We're going to call it Evie.

Okay.

Hello, Evie.

You have our undivided attention.

Sweet.

I would just like to know how to get a bigger wine pour at a wine tasting.

Awesome.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

Have you tried anything so far?

I kind of wave it in the air and say, mmm, orange peels.

So wait, your suggestion, hold on.

Is your indecision supposed to communicate your deep desire for more?

Well, yeah, or is it a situation where you think if you can guess what the wine is good enough, they'll go, mm-hmm, and then pour more of it?

Correct.

Your reward.

Here's the thing.

I've been to wine tastings.

I've seen sideways.

So I consider myself a bit of an expert.

It's all made up bullshit.

So if you were like swirling it around and you said, mmm, not tall enough to get a good read.

I'm having trouble catching the nose all the way down there, you say.

I guarantee you, nine times out of ten, whoever is pouring it for you at that specific place is like, I don't know either.

Yeah, man, this sounds good.

Is this enough?

Can you paint us a picture of, are you talking about a bigger portal wine tasting?

Are you talking about that first little sniff that they pour out there for some fucking reason?

Or is it like a flight situation has uh uh an insubstantial amount of wine in it no it's just that little like that little sniff like when you go to a taste not the part where the person opens it and you pretend like you know what you're doing and say yes this is excellent fill my glass and please walk away before i have to say anything anything else please this is more you're going to a thing and they pour it and say now try this one and you go very good as you think not quite drunk enough 10 there 20 right as you go on yeah i mean is it were other people getting bigger pours?

Yes, they were.

That's fucked up.

I think, hey, listen, as one of three siblings, all you have to lean, you lean in and say, why do you like them more than me?

Yeah, have you ever tried, hey, I'm trying to get drunk?

Yeah.

That would probably work on me.

Oh, I thought you wanted fun, Evie, to be here.

Don't say that last one, probably.

Maybe you could

start an anticipatory noise

before you saying when right so as soon as they start pouring out like

Start doing some fucking like start doing some foley work as they come to port just go

Okay, bring your own Sharpie before they pour grab the glass put a mark on it So that you say just so you don't have to worry

confusing enough that they think about it for a half second right like as they're pouring like ooh chuggies.

And it's like, that's confusing enough.

Yeah.

They're like, I wish they hadn't said that.

And then by then, they've already poured like a half ounce of.

Yeah, just start counting.

And three, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and eight, and done.

Eight is a, that's a lot of wine.

Can you

have a

puppet with you?

Sorry, what?

I think you said puppet, but I also heard puffin'.

Can you I think is it puppet then?

Okay, first of all, if I'm a sommelier and I'm pouring wine for the table and someone has a puffin, they're gonna get extra fucking wine for sure.

Wait, sorry, the person or the puffin?

The

person.

Puffins don't drink.

You know this.

Not yet.

What an innovation.

If you have a puppet that is incredibly lifelike.

And those

bum people out.

An incredibly lifelike lifelike puppet, and then you'll say, and them too, and then you just pour theirs into yours.

Double dip.

Double dip with the puppets portion.

It will need to be life-size for them to believe it's over 21.

Yes.

Have you ever, do you have a shirt that says, I'm just here for the wine?

Oh, that's a good one.

Because then you could kind of point to it like, huh?

Right?

Do you like my shirt?

And that's, again, just confusing enough to buy you like an extra second.

While they're reading the shirt, that's what the shirt should say.

While you're reading this, I got free wine, idiot.

Thanks, sucker.

Also, if you are hurt or upset by my shirt, please tell me.

I brought a lot of $5 billion.

I have a jacket.

I got a lot of $5 bills, and I'll tip you generously.

I'm sorry, I just...

It's more of a dress, really.

Yeah, it's like a, yeah, it's like a, yeah, like a down, it's a floor-length gown

with a train.

This is one of those ones where they give you the bucket, and then the expectation is maybe you'll see.

No one really does that, right?

Well, then you have a lot of buckets around that you can accidentally spill stuff into and be like, oops, I spilled mine, I need another.

But then that bucket wine is still good to go.

We're running out of steam up here.

No, Griffin, you're the one who said, Drink the spit bug.

It would be a clean, empty one.

Thank you so much.

Did we help you?

That was so helpful.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Please approach the microphone.

Can we also get William S in section E, row X, seat 113?

I hope this isn't a joke because that does spell sex if you read all the letters together.

Fuck me.

I hope that's not one of those.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Bryce.

Sam.

Can you look at people who work here to see if anyone's like, nope, not a real thing?

Bryce, what's your question?

So...

Recently, I've been on a big like 90s recap kick.

Okay.

And I've been watching a lot of old stuff.

I've been watching a lot of old Nickelodeon and I've been watching a lot of Rocket Power.

Yeah,

fuck yeah.

And I am at a point where I want to learn how to do a kick flip.

Yeah.

But I've never ridden a skateboard without falling down and knocking the air out of my lungs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So, um, and I don't want to work that hard.

So

okay, try

to bring it home.

Well, so how can I learn how to do a kickflip in four days?

Okay, so I've lured you here under a false pretense.

You've sprung our trap again, Bryce.

You've sprung our trap again, Bryce.

Here's the thing that I want to ask you, Bryce.

Every single live show we have ever done, there are at least one to two questions about skateboarding.

And I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why you people keep asking us about something that we are clearly so deeply, foundationally ignorant of we've had 15 years through like peaks and valleys of skateboarding to unfurl any sort of wisdom we it's zero yet every single live show there is a skateboarding question and to that point it's always a very technical how do i how do i do how do it and it's like i It's not like I want to get started.

Please tell me other resources.

Not to put you on the spot, but what is it about us that's like these guys

could skateboard

and not just skateboard but have the skills to teach Bryce?

I'm so sorry.

Four days.

So, okay, it's a number of things, honestly.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Yeah, take your time, man.

This is, we've never done a gotcha segment before, so, like, we're also pretty nervous right now.

No, this is cool.

My pulse is like 120.

Yeah, no, no, no.

Ours too.

You get used to it.

Bryce, I'm going to help you after we address this thing.

Yeah, I just assume.

Yeah, I'm looking for a gut reaction.

It's a number of things.

It's that

often I hear talk about anamorphs.

I hear talk about other extreme, awesome 90s things.

Right.

And

Griffin's like, hold on.

Sorry to dial down on the first one.

But your thing is like, they live through the 90s and remember stuff from it.

So surely.

Don't fuck Bryce on trial.

These dudes here.

These are as our guests under false pretenses.

These dudes fuck with KA Applegate.

They can't cry.

Bryce,

we haven't even gotten to my favorite part of the question, Bryce, and you already kick flipped my thought process by when you said in the question, how do I learn in four days?

What's that?

I thought, no, well, I think you've made it clear.

tell me if I'm wrong I thought oh there's a deadline but what it sounds like you're saying Bryce is I only have four days of caring in me about this

so if I don't get it in four days I'm giving up how do I get it in four days or else which is it Bryce oh that is 100% correct okay great fantastic

now that I can work with that is the most self-aware thing anyone has ever said on this show I just know for a fact that if I actually try for four whole days, I feel like I can get it.

I think you're absolutely right.

Do you know the stumbling block for me is this like

you would fall down and die pleasantly.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I mean the literal one, which is it's gonna be such an unpleasant four days though, isn't it?

A lot of falling to the ground.

And at my age, I don't know, Bruce.

How are your bones?

So why not increase that?

Get some cool teens to watch you learn in four days.

Okay.

Because if you're not going to get it with that pressure on you, you're never going to get it.

Or do it near two billboards.

Here's what you're going to do.

You're going to in four days learn how to skateboard okay.

And you'll skateboard behind one of the billboards.

That's where you'll have, I mean, Tony Hawk back there behind that first billboard.

He comes out and does a perfect kick flip and then disappears behind the second billboard where you will then skateboard out the other side, creating a perfect sort of stereoscopic illusion.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What if you go behind one billboard?

Tony Hawk flips across the gap, and then a beautiful Las Vegas-style showgirl emerges from the other side.

No, wait, no shit.

Tie it all together back to what you said.

You, Tony Hawk, and then it's a horse, and you're an anamorph.

And Tony's talk.

Yeah, dude, now we're back at our core competency.

Yeah.

Does that help?

Absolutely.

Thank you, Bryce.

Your great support.

Thank you, Bryce.

It's important that the horse doesn't stay a horse for longer than, like, I think it was 45 minutes to get it.

And if the horse can do a kink foot, too.

That's what I think.

Hello.

Howdy, y'all.

Howdy.

Okay, so.

So glad you're real, by the way, and not just a sex gag for us.

Thank you so much.

Hey, hey, they could be both.

That's fair.

I have a wonderful library in my town.

In order to get to the books that I really want, which are the ones about Batman, you have to go downstairs through the children's section in the back.

They have a wonderful YA area.

But I feel like kind of a creep going down there.

How do I feel like not being a creep walking through the kids' section?

Yeah.

Get my Batman books.

Yeah, can I ask you a question?

Because there is a phrasing there that I do want to clarify.

Instead of saying Batman books, you said books about Batman.

That's a huge difference.

There's a very big divide.

Are you looking at like maybe like dissections of Batman as a character?

Or do you just want to keep up with the adventures of your friend Batman?

Yeah, not all books that have Batman in it are Batman books.

Explain what you just said for us.

Sorry.

You're not looking for like...

Are you reading between the lines of like Oliver Twist and be like, I bet Batman is alive at the time when this book is happening?

I think you need to get Batman reclassified.

I think you need to go to the library officials and say, hello, I would like to volunteer to organize a new detective section.

And all the great detectives will go there in this section.

And it's for grown-ups only.

Only.

In fact, if you want to label it adults only and maybe put a beat in front of me.

Adult detectives only.

Only.

For adult searching.

Have you asked why the Batman media is classified?

Because there's some pretty spooky grown-up stuff that that guy gets up to sometimes.

I guess it's just the drawings.

That's the same thing.

So

are all graphic novels and comedies?

Hey, listen, I've seen some of our books over there in the youth section where they should not be.

I think.

It is your moral obligation to correct that.

If you see our books in a youth bookstore or any bookstore, you have to buy them to keep kids safe.

Yeah, that's important.

Has this,

have you been confronted before or is this a silent fear in the back of your mind?

It's a silent fear and it's how the kids look at me sometimes.

Sure.

Wait, how the kids look at you?

Yeah, because, well, I'm tall and I've got a big beard and I got a big hat.

And they may be more like Marvel guys, so that could be part of the issue also.

See, this is why I think

now that we have our cell phones.

And I store my pictures of my kids in there,

I do sometimes wish I had a wallet with a big drop fold out of pictures of my kids that I could pull out when I felt like someone's judging me.

Yeah.

That I could walk through a children's section and just go, God, I missed my two children that I definitely have to

flip down like 20 pictures of them and people will be like, he definitely has kids.

And that's okay.

I have two kids and a normal relationship with Batman.

I like him just as much as everybody else likes him.

I like him the normal amount and you're the assholes for hiding him in the kids zone.

Does that help?

What if you flip flaved your wallet out and it was just 20 pixels of Batman?

I'm supposed to be here.

Thank you, William.

Thank you, William.

And thank you, Raleigh.

Thank you.

We can lower the lights.

Thank you so much.

Thank you all so much.

Hey, y'all, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You've been such a fun audience.

You've been very cool, and we really appreciate it.

We want to remind you that we do have beautiful posters.

Buy Anna Rhodes.

Thank you, Anna Rose.

Do we still have the coins?

Are there still coins?

There are still coins available.

If you do not buy them now, you you will never get a chance to.

So get it.

Justin, I can't believe we got some of these coins left available.

These are.

These have been selling so fast.

Oh, my God.

Why are we pushing these items?

Because we're bad at business and we don't make any money off of them.

So,

make sure you suck up because we don't

materialize it.

If we don't sell them, it's kind of like negative money.

Isn't that fucked up?

Anyway.

And I also want to say thank you to the May Mandy Center.

Here we are.

Yes, gorgeous.

We're so happy to be back.

Thank you for the money.

This is our second time performing here, and it's been absolutely lovely every time.

Next time, if you could make it a little less humid, we would appreciate it.

The humidity was too bad for us, ma'am, Mandy.

Thank you to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You.

Thank you, too.

Thank you to our dad.

Thank you to.

Thank you to our dad for nutting in your city to give me my older brother just to be able to do that.

Thank you, Plant.

That's right, citizen.

Thank you, Dad.

Thank you.

Thank you for nutting in our mom.

Thank you, Paul.

Thank you, Amanda.

Thank you, Rachel.

Thank you, everybody who helps us put these shows on.

And seriously, thank you all for coming.

You all have been absolutely amazing.

To finish things off here, can we maybe share a fear that one of our listeners has decided to- Can I read it?

Yeah, please slide it over.

Thank you.

Here we go.

This year, I will become faster than my fear of having to convince anybody that I'm the real me in a clone standoff scenario.

I'm just not a big enough threat to clone.

My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

My brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

It's better, it's better with you.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

Come and let us,

it's better with you.

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