MBMBaM 758: Ostrichhood

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has gossiped, it's rifen into a precious friendship

I could have never seen what was coming for me

Hangs at the state park, hangs by the beach My life,

it feels love

It's better, it's better with you

My life, oh

it's better, it's better with you

This is true

It's better, it's better with two.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me advice show for the Modern Era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

Oh, what up, Travis Nation?

It's me, your middlest brother, Travis Vroom Vroom McElroy.

And hey, it's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 guy, Griffin Built for Tough McElroy.

I want to ask you guys a question.

Get me up last night a little bit, not a super long time.

Now, I want an honest answer.

Clear your minds.

And this is not.

That's not possible.

Travis, if that was possible, the thing you just said to do, if I could do it, do you realize how much better my life would be?

And I want to make this clear: this is not should or would,

but could

human beings ride ostriches.

this kept you up yeah because i realized my only point of reference for it was like i've seen it like in movies or cartoons or something i think rudolph the red-nosed reindeer i mean i think

which i assume by the way

it's not seasonal but that cowboy just doesn't know where to get a horse that's not can i clarify if ostriches are real They are, yeah.

Okay.

Big.

Big, big, big, big, big.

I'm confused with them and Pegasi.

And

emus.

Those are the same animal, and they should be reclassified as dodos.

Those are gone.

They're gone.

Not as Bim.

So

this kept you up.

Yeah, because when I picture an ostrich and I think about the whole design,

it doesn't seem like a human being should be able to.

I guess my issue is like,

when my thoughts keep me up, they're usually more me-centric and less focused on

the load-bearing capacity of flightless birds.

Oh, I have those too, Griffin.

But I'm

like, those are normal human thoughts.

Yeah.

And then I have the ADHD brain thoughts.

Yeah, like that's the.

Yeah, sometimes my brain's like, how did fountains work before electricity?

And that'll keep me up for like four days.

Now, can I say something, Trav?

That's a good one.

Yeah.

The ostrich thing is like

easily Googleable.

The analog fountain thing is medium Googleable.

Well, I'm 41 years old, Griffin, and I've processed through a lot of the good ones already.

Now I'm down to the sniggle fritz of, is it possible for an ostrich to support the weight of a graph?

A kid.

A kid.

A kid.

But no one's going to let their kid in there with that giant bird of prey.

No way.

It's a good question, though, Trev.

I looked it up.

Oh, what's the answer?

Apparently, one, this isn't gonna surprise you guys a lot of ethical concerns about it what do you mean uh that ostriches like i said are not unlike a horse which has

everything about it seems built to convey

yeah i mean with

we've but to be more accurate trav we've built horses yeah built for built horse tough but horse tough but ostriches um are not built for that but apparently up to and this is the most specific weight I've ever heard.

It's going to be so much, so much lower than I want.

163 pounds.

Okay, actually,

that may be

a,

it would be tough.

It would, there would be some lifestyle changes that I frankly have not.

I don't want to be out with the girls and have to think, like, do I have that next piece of cheesecake or do I want to ride my ostrich?

You know what I mean?

I don't need to be.

Especially if you're right on the border because this isn't 163.

Like, that means they put 164-pound person on there and the ostrich cracks.

Oh, Travis.

Ostrich's like, fuck you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's wearing like a heavy coat or something.

This isn't.

It's funny.

You can't get these out of your fucking pocket, Dan.

It's funny that you think that they started with 164 and didn't have to walk it down from like 215 and then they flew a lot of flags half mast in ostrich land

John proctored it from 30 up.

You know what I mean?

Like they just kept adding one pound more weight.

Yeah, more weight.

I like it.

I do like that.

Okay, well, let's make a boyhood style movie.

Okay.

Where it's a, they start with like a 30-pound kid, and every day as the child grows, they put it back on the back on the ostrich.

And they're like, are we cool with this one?

Wait, the kid.

Okay, great.

I do like that one.

There's like a four-minute long sequence in curious tale of benjamin button where he is de-aged enough where he has the physical capability to ride the ostrich and the mental capability to rice the ostrich right they line up and there's like a week where it's just him riding the ostrich.

It's like four minutes of the movie is like, finally, those two, I stopped everything else I was doing in the story.

And that happens at exactly the midway point of the movie.

That's where you can go get, it says intermission at the bottom of the screen.

Yeah, you can go get sex if you want.

You just see the shot of him on the ostrich, and it's a wide shot.

He's far back there, just going back and forth.

I think we're overdue for a glow-up on these big flightless birds of the ostrich.

I think that we don't think about these guys a lot because they're played, but also because they're so gross and weird looking.

Like their neck and head looks like a worm, and the way it goes in their body is like fucked up.

Like it goes, your neck goes into your side.

Why do the feathers stop?

that's awesome why the feathers stop there a lot of great questions now if we could give him a cute little beak and cover him in bright yellow feathers give him two big two big bright wings long legs a cuter sound that he makes

and we have chocobos and we have them be um

you know boutique these are this is a boutique mount uh all of a sudden i think ostriches are going to be back on top still gonna have the ethical concerns of yes

riding on them, which, if you didn't know, every Final Fantasy character is under 163 pounds.

Yes.

That's just the way it works.

Fucked up that that's part of it, but this actually dovetails into something nicely that I like current events that I'd love to take your guys' attention.

We're all low now.

We all like this low life.

You know, we brought, no, this is good.

This is conversational.

Did you know we brought back Dire Wolves?

Yeah, Joe Manginello is pumped about it.

Joe Manginello's pumped.

A lot of people are pumped about this.

Let's talk.

Cause I saw George R.R.

Martin, who if somebody's going to know from Dire Wolves, it'd be this guy.

I saw a picture of him, and the story is, we brought back Dire Wolves,

which I, I will admit, in my initial ignorance, thought that they, and this is why I had to ask about the ostrich guys because I have completely lost track of which of these guys we made up and which ones we didn't.

Yeah, man.

It's a full-time job.

Keeping up with that.

So apparently these guys were real.

They were roaming around.

Man.

Sorry, but just on that, Justin, my search bar today, it's Unicorn Day, and it pops up and says Unicorn Day.

Were they real?

And I didn't know that was a scientific question.

Anyways, go on, Justin, bringing back dire wolves.

Okay, thank you.

So

we did it.

So the headline is: U.S.

Company Resurrects the Extinct Dire Wolf or some version of it.

So here's the thing that's fucked, right?

Yeah.

This company did not bring back these incredible, real ice age predators that roamed across the the the uh uh the continent tundra the tundra right

it they what they did was this is okay this is a the company is calling them dire wolves and is referring to this as the world's first successfully de-extincted animal

Outside experts are more cautious.

Yeah.

Describing the pups as genetically modified gray wolves because the process used to create them involved editing the genes of the species to add dire wolf traits.

Yeah.

So,

what they say is, what they say is the thing is that we, this is a quote, we define de-extinction success as bringing back the functional ecological traits that made dire wolves unique contributors to their ecosystem.

And our dire wolves are an example of that.

So, here's what they are saying.

Yeah.

We found wolves and we glued some shit to them that makes them a lot like dire wolves.

painted them and we're calling this a w in our book and george r martin was like fucking good enough for me and joe man was like sounds good so i'd love to get a counterpoint of fucking don't do this are you crazy yeah

yeah wolves are killer right we love wolves

do you know how safe wolves are for us as a as a people wolves are so safe that they don't keep statistics on wolf attacks that's not because they just they're chill don't Like, they get it.

Why are we gluing things onto them to make them worse?

Well, because we won wolves, like we beat wolves.

We figured out everything about wolves, and they're not a threat to us anymore.

So, we're nastying them up, getting it, Spicy.

We're giving them a little mohawk, you know?

We're shooting them like big.

It says in the story, it says that these are

bigger

than gray wolves would be at this time

Because of the stuff they did,

man, I don't know if we want to make really big wolves.

This is what I learned.

I feel like things are on a rough enough trajectory that we don't need to make super big wolves.

Yeah, sure.

Right?

This is what I learned from the documentary Jurassic World when they were like, we brought back dinosaurs, but we get that that's not enough.

So we fucked with the genetics of this dinosaur to make it better at eating people and hunting you and killing people.

And I look at them and I go, you know what would be better?

Smaller dinosaurs that I could keep in my office in like a fish tank and they're perfectly happy.

So, Justin, to your point, bigger wolf, no, no, no.

Give me small wolf.

And now I'm saying it, that's a dog.

That's a dog.

That's a dog.

It's also bad.

We don't want to mess with them.

Right.

Dogs?

Wolves.

Okay.

They're fine.

I don't want them more scary than they are.

By the way, on the Facebook Facebook post that George R.R.

Martin put up where he's like, we did it.

Mission accomplished.

He's a big banner.

We did it.

Dire Wolves are real.

P.S.

Not a single comment, by the way, missed the irony of

George R.R.

Martin living to see the unextinction of dire wolves before he finished publishing his book.

Like

the extinct creature beat him to market.

Right.

That was all the comments because that is the most important thing about this is that he has not finished the book series.

That's the number one thing.

I will also say, man, this feels like if I needed to do some like serious housework and instead spend an hour like reorganizing my 3D printer filament.

And then I was like, mission accomplished.

And it's like, hey, do you think bringing dire wolves back from extinction was like our number one?

I will say you never know which scientific developments lead to the next.

If creating these huge nasty turbo wolves in some way they're like and in doing so cancer gone now all of a sudden i'm listen now i'm listening yeah these wolves eat cancer these wolves i eat cancer out of the air i used to think i have a generalized anxiety disorder and now i've learned that i'm just good at worrying about stuff before other people realize they need to you're a trendsetter dude yeah i'm ahead of the game on this one guys listen i was right about trump and i'm gonna be right about dire wolves, but you still have a chance to do something about the wolves, right?

Right.

Come on.

Now, what is that, Juice?

You tell me now.

Because it seems to me like the horse is out of the barn, and by horse, I mean giant wolf is out of the barn.

And

if it's us against them, I'm not comfortable with the optics of that.

What I'm saying is, I'm joining up.

What I'm saying is, and this is just us three, right?

Yeah, no one's with us three.

Maybe it would be nice.

Maybe we could use a boost as a people as a species yeah

and re

and re re-extinct re-extinct the dire wolf like victory over the dire like like we could use it's a little win right it's a pyrrhic victory now for sure if they're because they're not even real dire wolves but like i understand that we domesticated you guys into dogs you can domesticate me as a pet i don't want to die i will turn i will turn coach so hard oh this is on firmly on team direwolf then you flipped okay that's interesting no if they're listening if they're listening, Justin, I'm totally on your side.

But I don't know how powerful these bad boys' hearing is.

So if any Dire Wolves can hear this,

if you're in the fucking settings menu of the wolf, genetically speaking, you can probably crank a lot of different kinds of heuristics all the way up to top apex.

I'm just saying, if they can hear this right now, I'm on your side, Dire Wolf.

Now, now,

can we genetically modify the Dire Wolves to make them big enough to ride?

I want to, I'm not, dire wolves, that's so 200 late.

You know it's so 2025?

Wargs.

Give me a warg any day.

I'd love a warg.

I'd love a warg that I can ride around on.

Because guess where?

The warg can't bite the guy on his back.

And it's not going to be ethically bad because we're going to make the wargs love it to be ridden.

And they can carry so much more than 160.

But don't make them love it too much.

Thank you.

I don't want it to feel weird that I'm doing it.

Was there ever a dire ostrich?

there could be justin

i'm a film student at a local community college and i have a part-time job working in a bookstore on the weekends recently i've discovered one of my coworkers is also interested in film and enjoys writing scripts i was so excited to hear this as we could use more script writers in the program because most people focus on wanting to direct or operate the camera only problem is he only writes fan scripts about he-man

How can I convince my coworker to write other characters or at least, the very least, switch the character's name to non-copyrighted ones that's from scripty in sc yeah well guys i think what this person is asking us to do is to create our own

right now to create our own creative commons

he-man yeah for the public imagination yeah because you don't want to cut he-man out i think many movies

maybe all would be made better

If He-Man was there.

Not necessarily destroying things, smashing through things, punching things.

Like, think of like most movies are made better by The Rock being in them, a large man with powerful muscles, commenting on things.

Yeah.

He-Man could be that.

Well, what about

names?

I mean, right off the bat.

Boy guy.

Boy guy.

Muscle champ.

Muscle.

What was that?

Muscle champ is not as good as Prince.

My master.

Prince Muscle Champ is.

Pretty cool.

Prince Muscleton.

But he's not.

He's not.

That's two different guys.

Prince Musselton would be his normal.

I actually think it's even better if no one guesses that Prince Musselton is actually

boy guy.

Boy guy.

Why is he a boy?

That's not like a part of the He-Man media.

You know what?

Inclusivity?

They them.

Just call him they-them.

I don't know.

I don't know about that.

But it's not following the convention of he-man.

They person.

Yeah, but that doesn't sound great.

Boy guy, however, I think drips off the tongue and I think gets you close enough to the sort of original syntactic.

Okay, boy guy

idea.

Prince Musselton becomes boy guy.

I've heard it too many times now and started to feel like a real girl's girl kind of deal.

Like, oh, he's a real boy's guy.

When

that

one

lady wrote the 50 Shades books, those started out as Twilight

fan fiction.

Yeah.

And then they turned into the best-selling sex books that have ever been released and made three bonerific film adaptations out of those.

So who's to say that this is not going to happen for their He-Man script?

When Griffin says sexiest book, he's not counting Go Tell a Watchman by Harper Lee.

Just wanted to clarify.

No, yeah.

I haven't read that one.

I do understand the erotic nature of it is boiling.

Man he's scalding hot.

Man he

manny.

Man he

the muscle king.

Mehe.

This was not sort of the question.

They wanted.

I don't think that's.

What is the essential nature of

a He-Man story?

It's man hides muscles.

Yeah.

So what are some other muscle hiders fight like skeleton?

Yeah.

I don't really...

Can I say something?

Lump this dude in with Snoopy.

I have no feelings about He-Man, what the fucksoever.

You missed that generational.

Yeah, I did.

By about 25 years,

that dude is so fucking old.

That's not it.

He's pretty old.

And he has a bunch of weird friends and a big purple cat.

And it's like, great.

You lost me.

And here's the thing.

Here's what I will say that I enjoy about old school He-Man and his cat.

You had a big muscly prince in a tight, tight fit, making it clear he was a big muscled prince.

And the big muscled prince had a pet tiger.

Yeah.

And then he would become he-man, and his size did not change at all.

And his tiger got armor.

And everyone's like, who the fuck is that guy?

Who is that?

Who is this?

I think there needs to be more of that.

It's absolutely fair.

Absolutely.

The tiger cringer is what you're is the name of the tiger.

And the tiger also gets more brave with the armor, but it's like, so would I.

Yeah, me too.

Like, you know, like, cringer is scared.

Like, give him the fucking armor.

So he's not.

It's not fucked up that you take the armor away from him ever.

Yeah.

Prince Musselton has the sword.

Like, he can at any point be like, lop someone's head off.

Like, he has no reason to be afraid.

Like, the tiger.

Cringer's not in control.

A sniper.

Assassins from Skeletor could kill Cringer from Assassin's Bullet 100 yards.

No problem.

Grayskull window shatters.

Cringer's dead.

Cringer is also just wheezing off of.

Heaman's power.

Yeah.

Cringer can't be like, I'm freaked out by the power of Grey Skull.

Grawl.

I have that power.

It's dark.

It's 2 a.m., right?

I'm like, I want to go to CVS, but it's like late and I don't want to get, like, I would just like the armor plan.

Yeah,

like Prince Adam, like, hey, could you He-Man out so that I get the reflective?

And Prince Adam's like, No.

He said, I'm in the shower.

I know, but I've got to do stuff.

And that took you so long to laugh at.

You really did miss out on He-Man.

I had, I did.

yeah i don't know who he is and i've been pretending for a really long time like years like years and years and years i don't know anything about him i think in the

entertainment economy we find ourselves in right now i cannot comfortably say that writing about he-man exclusively is a bad idea because it does feel like it's time.

Like, if I don't know who this fucking dude is, that's a huge market potential for He-Man.

If it, maybe it kicks ass.

I don't know.

It seems pretty busted.

It seems like a semi-nude royal man who transforms with a magic sword, like, and he has a tiger.

Like, that's what it seems like.

Sure.

We all saw the Masters of the Universe movie together.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

When I was a Zygote, I don't remember it.

It's old, old, old, old, old.

The only thing I remember is it being the first time I ever saw a post-credits scene.

Oh, shit.

That then.

Skeletor comes back out.

Yeah, then from that moment on, when Clint Macrow would take his sons to go see a movie, we did not leave

the lights back out.

And can I tell you, Skeletor never came back at the end of other movies.

No.

Which I think would have been a wild but breathtakingly cool choice.

Sure.

Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah.

Into Marley and me.

Skeletor.

Y'all are killing me.

The dog dies.

Christ Almighty.

I sat through the whole thing.

God.

I'm attending a friend's wedding soon and learning that a former Olympian will also be attending.

This person is semi-famous.

Yes, multiple gold medals and competed in swimming.

What are some good ways to strike up a conversation with Michael Phelps?

And that's from Admire.

American Admirer.

No, it doesn't say that.

I don't know who it is.

American Admirer in

Apple.

Appalachicola?

Cool, okay.

There's no way it's Michael Phelps, right?

Because they don't want to describe Michael Phelps as semi-famous.

Probably not Phelpsy, yeah.

I'm pretty sure that they would say, like,

he was an athlete.

He won a 90.

He won 90 gold medals.

It's like, well, that leaves us just with the one option.

So we got, there's a lot of options.

We're not going to be able to.

I'm looking here.

Multiple golds.

Other than Phelps, it could be Mark Spitz, Caleb Dressel,

Matt Biondi.

Ryan Locke.

We don't know who he is.

Yeah, everybody likes Kayla.

Some of those.

It could be Kayla Decky, Jenny Thompson, Absinthe Van Dijken.

Some of those.

Dana Vollmer.

Some of those maybe don't brush up to.

Maybe some of those, like, you see Lochty, maybe

you keep him over.

Yeah, keep him

locked down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think you can be a former Olympian.

That's a good thing.

I think once an Olympian, always an Olympian.

Yeah.

Compete at that level.

I think that you never can turn the competitive thing off.

I'd be worried at a wedding.

How am I going to beat these people to the buffet?

You know, is there going to be a, is everything going to be a competition?

like oh i took the biggest bite of cake like great ryan

feeling good right

yeah that's a problem yeah not everything's a competition ryan you will have an advantage based on sort of your because i'm assuming it's not a like an aquatic wedding no i'm sure they wouldn't mention it's not a wedding it's a wedding and so like you will you will have the sort of terrestrial edge they may be able to take you in the water absolutely but they have spent so much of their life in the water that like their bone density is all fucked up and you will be stronger and faster than them on land pretty much guaranteed if it's one of those things where it plays out like a hilarious america's funniest home video where like the bride falls in the water they're over a lake oh no big windy or whatever oh it falls the guy trips that doesn't sound funny I know, right?

But they're always on there.

There's whole episodes.

Every episode of America's Funniest Home videos, a bride falls in the water during her wedding.

Yeah, man.

And

an Olympian has to to die.

The taffeta, the mini layers of taffeta pull her down to the briny depths.

Unless

there you watch someone die in every episode of AFB.

Yeah.

I bet if it's your wedding and your

spouse, your new spouse falls in the water and starts to drown, that feels pretty bad.

And then an Olympian, a handsome Olympian, jumps in and saves her.

You're like probably 99% like, oh, thank Christ.

Oh, thank God.

My beloved, my beloved.

But then there's also part of you that's like, it would have been cooler if I did that.

Yeah.

It would have been cooler if I was the one who jumped in.

I mean, it's a rental chugs.

And I had to take that into account.

And I'm not good swimming.

Not good swimming.

I'm good at swimming.

And I also knew that Phelpsy was here.

Yeah.

So, like, I kind of figured he got me and he did, which is great.

And I'm, again, so stoked.

Because it would be more embarrassing if you jumped in first and then Phelps jumped in after you and Phelps saved your bride and then you were like, I guess I'll swim.

Oh, no, no, no.

Phelps would save you on the way and it's like phelps i didn't need

he's like no it's fine i'm already out here saving your new wife i don't mind to save you too it's not an extra trip for me it's no problem and then you start to think did phelpsy engineer this situation in some way to cuckold me on my special day yeah classic phelps and the answer might surprise you

it's no it's no he probably did that he doesn't need to doesn't want to probably okay I'm just saying that if he did want to, I don't think Michael Phelps would have to engineer an elaborate scheme to

impress other people.

Did you guys ever know an aspiring Olympian growing up?

Yes, I did.

I did too.

I took wrestling classes from Olympic wrestler Kincherto.

Oh, that's right.

Fuck.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

Man, I haven't heard that name in 20 years, Kincherto.

That man oversaw a spar that I had with my friend steven where he busted my nose gave me a bloody nose thank you not kincherto kincherto didn't bust your nose did he no stephen did okay

and all i know about kincherto as far as like bringing up wrestling to him seemed like what he was about but it was in wrestling class so i think that that tracks yeah yeah I have a I had a friend who was a swimmer and like had Olympic dreams and swam every day for lots of time a day and like had the bleached hair and all the stuff that comes with like being a professional in the water person.

And that must be a frustrating set of skills to possess and not be able to do anything with

like

in most of the earth, in most of the earth that you walk and most of the places that you go in any day to day.

You got to be thinking the whole time like, gosh dang it, if only this Home Depot was underwater, if this was an underwater, if this was an underwater,

you know, grocery store, then my skills would be like, I would be kicking everyone's ass here no problem Yeah, but Griffin when you're like Usain Bolt and you reach the shore as you've been running across the entire country and you're like now I have to stop and turn around Okay, right because most of the earth is covered with water So while the day to day I agree with you, but as far as getting around Michael Phelps can hit the ocean and swim to Europe

What is the most practical Olympic sport that's going to equip you with skills?

And obviously you're going to say running or something that's like, yeah, of course, because we all do it, but that's not funny.

Shot put?

Because you throw stuff.

I mean, the ability to throw stuff that's I throw more than I just looking at my DD verb set at my text parser adventure game set, I throw more than I swim.

Guaranteed.

Yeah.

Guaranteed.

This is a real, this is okay.

So I think there's two, there's two viable answers, right?

It's the triathlon and the biathlon.

Am I really cheating?

No, no, no, it's not cheating.

It's about two very different approaches to life.

Triathlon is run, swim, bike.

Biathlon,

by contrast, is ski and shoot.

So this is like,

which is your approach?

Which are you?

Are you the kind of person that shoots someone and then skis away from the problem?

Are you the sort of person that just keeps running?

I'm a ski and shoot, if I'm being honest.

The downhill is doing a lot of the work.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure it is cross-country.

I don't know.

I mean, even then.

That's really no, Griffith, important distinction.

Yeah.

Because for my life, it is about shooting at something and then slowly inching away while everyone watches me.

It's not a fast, thrilling.

As sick as it would be to turn it into sort of a rifle-based downhill jam, that would be fucking sick, actually.

Get the skis out of there.

We snowboard.

We snowboard and shot in mid-air.

All shots are mid-air.

Snowboarding paintball would be wicked awesome.

I would be so into that.

Oh, now I'm picturing it.

so don't talk to them about swimming they probably talk about not talk to them if they bring up swimming if they bring it up fine if they but they're not gonna bring it up man there's no way they're gonna bring it up unless it's a like a swimming pool wedding which is cool that i don't know why those don't exist oh but griffin what if it's a gray area where like you're getting some punch with them and they're like man this is a pretty deep punch bowl and you're like okay are they hinting at?

They want me to say something about, I bet you could swim in there.

No, there's no way they want me to say that.

But they're looking at me.

They're looking.

They're still waiting for me to respond and their eyebrows are getting higher on their forehead.

Should I say something?

They'd be like, hey, do you think that this wedding venue has a floor like the gymnasium and it's a wonderful life that is splits open in terms of like if you're a professional swimmer, you got to be keeping your head on a swivel.

Like, I wonder if this floor of this, uh, of this building splits open to reveal a pool underneath that we can all jump into and have the time of our lives until our dad had a stroke.

Oh, no, like we got to get out of here.

How, but that was a very unique experience to kind of one person in It's a Wonderful Life.

It wasn't like a third of those people swimming in the pool to scramble out.

I would say George Bailey's dad having a stroke affected that whole damn town, Travis.

Fuck, Griven, you're right.

I understand the point of it.

You missed the point of it.

Hey, do you think that the kid who opened the floor faced jail time, criminal charges for

it was a fucking prank, dude?

Calm down.

Now, how tired are you?

When he closed the floor and gooshed all those people,

that was a fucked up part of the movie.

But, you know,

Capra's got a sick mind.

I don't need to see a picture of Coach Ken Cherito, Jeff.

I don't know why you think that.

I will say it is unfortunate that Ken Cherito's website lists some of the wrestlers he has coached, and Travis is not listed.

So that is, I will say that is unfortunate.

Probably because I I was very bad.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's not your fault.

Cherito system, though.

Think of all the practical skills you got from the Cherito system, Travis.

Yeah, that's true.

Let's take a break.

Okay.

Let's go.

Justin Griffin.

Yeah.

I want to start a website.

Okay.

And listen, I know I have big dreams.

I know I do.

And my dream for a website is that it would be beautiful, that it would let me maybe sell products and my time, that it would be very user-friendly,

that it would have cutting-edge design.

But here's the thing.

You guys know this.

I'm an idea man.

I'm kind of a blue sky kind of guy.

I barely think.

I barely think.

I only dream.

Right.

I don't have a lot.

No thoughts, only dreams.

Yeah.

No thoughts, only dreams.

No dreams, only two.

I'm willing to offer you guys each $500 to build me a website.

Wow.

Right, seriously.

Yeah, I'll take Squarespace.

No, no, no, great.

Justin, shut, Justin, shush.

No, I am curious as to what Justin was saying.

I was just going to say that.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blown up the spot, but Squarespace does make that really easy.

Like, you don't need to pay a bunch of money.

Squarespace can help you make a world-class website because they got templates.

So you can, they'll give you the templates to make it look great.

And you put in your photos, you sell your stuff, but it's going to look good because they already had designers make it look good.

You understand?

Yeah.

Do you know how tight money is for me, Juice?

Do you know how big a change $500 would make in my life?

I do, I do, Griffin, but you're going to earn that the honest way because you can set up a business with a Squarespace website, sell stuff,

you get your business going with this website.

So, you don't need to steal anymore.

I'll tell the boys that the reason that Easter is canceled this year is because I had to earn the $500 I so desperately need the honest way because Uncle Justin said I had to.

And I bet they'll understand.

This is good news for you.

Then, Griffin, I got a free trial offer.

Head to squarespace.com/slash my brother for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MyBrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

See, now that I find myself with $1,000 extra dollars, Griffin, I'll pay you $1,000 to ruin Justin's credit.

That should not be too difficult, if I'm being being completely honest.

Awesome.

Hey,

how am I supposed to cook a meal?

How am I supposed to cook a meal?

Because there's so much happening all of the time.

And

sometimes it is.

I can't get a meal.

Yeah, exactly, Travis.

Thank you so much.

Certainly can't cook it because.

Well, that's actually weird that you guys are saying that because I recently have really been enjoying a lot of great dishes like Mediterranean sheep pan chicken or roasted salmon.

Maybe even a low-carb chicken and zucchini noodle salad.

You know, Justin, it's that kind of attitude that makes me want Griffin to ruin your credit.

Yeah.

I don't know why you keep bringing up my credit today,

Griffin and I are talking about how hard it is for us to like prep and cook a meal.

And you're like, well, I can do it.

I do it all.

I can do it.

Well, no, no, no.

It's Marley Spoon, guys.

I use Marley Spoon.

Oh.

No, no, no, yeah, they got over 100 recipes.

So you can choose the stuff that looks good to you, the things that you actually want to eat, and they make it really easy to to to to make it so you can make it at home right delicious in my home you mean in your own house i don't have to go to someone else's house the same place where you shower and sleep that house someone else's house you mean

i appreciate that juice i have pretty a pretty refined palate as you know and the sort of foods that i require are maybe a little bit more elevated so like these days i'm only eating like martha stewart's best bean and cheese enchiladas yeah that's yeah that's marley spoon this is that's that's oh you're kidding me yeah martha martha's dna is all over this thing she well is shepherd well i don't know about that dust

i don't know about all that i don't think you should say that first fingerprints everywhere yeah man yeah you can

she's not getting away with this one you can make it's not in this is not in the podcast it is in the podcast you can make a colony of new marthas with martha's best mac and cheese carbonara guaranteed a lot of dna on that one yeah there's uh express recipes that this has been nice because we've been starting to do more rehearsals at night for Summer Theater and there's not a lot of time to cook, but they've got recipes you can make in 15 minutes.

And it's like a real actual dinner, not fast food.

It's something with a lot of nutrition in it that you feel really good about.

Yummy.

Yummy.

Selish, guys.

Yeah, this year, fast track your way to eating well with Marley Spoon.

Head to marleyspoon.com slash offer slash my brother and use code my brother for up to 27 free meals.

That's right.

Up to 27 free meals with Marley Spoon.

One last time.

Marleyspoon.com/slash offer slash my brother for up to 27 free meals.

Make sure you use our promo code My Brother so they know we sent you

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

In my hour of need.

I want a Munch Squad.

I want two Munch Squad

Welcome to Munch Squad's Podcast podcast profiling the latest and greatest in brand

eating.

What did you say?

And rather than say what we're going to be talking about,

I'm going to show you guys, and the leadoff is going to be how you react to it.

Okay, great.

Huh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wait.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Okay.

So my initial just for me, Juicit was, yeah, okay, fuck.

So it was a little bit.

That is recorded for all of posterity.

Yeah.

Here's what I love about this image, Justin.

Yeah.

Tell me about the image, Trey.

There's like an upfront hit where it is such a weird consistency on a pizza.

And I see the 10 that says pizza caviar.

That sort of little thing caught my eye.

Yes.

And then in little print above pizza caviar is pizza hut logo.

So that is interesting, Travis.

It's you get hit with the initial feeling of how bad it is to look at this before you know what it is.

And then you see that it's pizza caviar from the 10, and that feels bad in a different way.

Yeah.

Because then you're despairing that you, that this is the moment in history in which you are alive.

And then you see the pizza hut on there and you're like, hmm, okay, I'm listening.

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, I'm it used to be, it used to be kind of cool.

Like, I'm alive at the same time as David Bowie and Prince.

That's pretty sick.

But I'm also, unfortunately, lived long enough that now there's pizza caviar.

And the image we are looking at, it does look like a fairly burnt up little personal pan pizza that is covered in what I could only describe as marinara dippin dots.

Yeah,

that's a really good call.

I'm not a designer.

Like, I'm not, I don't claim to have an especially good like grasp on color theory yeah but the fact that they put this very red pizza yeah on a different red what looks like a the cover like the red leather black crocodile skin yeah something something like that it's a very aggressive image challenging pizza hut is putting an indulgent twist on the caviar craze sweeping foodie culture with the launch of pizza caviar yeah man the first of it yeah man caviar bumps caviar bumps, here's the thing:

can you call a thing that has existed for, I believe, hundreds of years?

No, no, no, no, no, this is a specific craze, Travis.

Caviar bumps refers to putting the caviar in your hand and letting your body warm it, and then just eating the caviar like that.

They're all the rage, or at least they were in motherfucking 2022 when the New York Times wrote caviar bumps are all the rage.

So, this is

yeah, a little late pizza hut on this one.

Also, now it's now it's tinned fish.

Caviar bumps are out.

Tinned fish is in in a major shape.

Now it's caviar lines.

You guys can snort the caviar straight up.

This is a first-of-its-kind innovation that transforms the fine dining trend into something completely unexpected.

Caviar has.

I would say on paper that that whole sentence is true.

I thought you were going to say unacceptable.

Also, caviar has been elevating some of the world's most beloved comfort foods with the unexpected high-low pairings popping up in upscale restaurants and gracing social feeds across the country.

In true Pizza Hut fashion, the brand asked, why just place caviar on your pizza when you can reimagine it entirely and create a bold new food category?

Inspired by the rise of caviar bumps, three years ago, three years ago, these bite-sized pizza caviar pearls are made to taste like pepperoni and designed for dipping, dunking, and bumping.

Thank you.

And God snorted.

Can you imagine if they were bigger than bite-sized?

I would say they're nostril-sized if you want to be honest about it.

I'm ready to do these beloved bumps.

Also, can you give me, and it's imperative that you give me the exact phraseology of design to taste of pepperoni?

What was that again?

Hit me with that again.

Exact

these bite-sized pizza caviar pearls.

And again, I do want to touch on it's an edible product.

As my brother said, bite-sizes.

They're very tiny they are in no way bite-sized they look like tapioca yeah um the bread these bite-sized pizza caviar pearls are made to taste like pepperoni they're made to taste like pepperoni like made pepperoni made

taste to taste like like so pepperoni they're not pepperoni they're not made of pepperoni they don't taste like pepperoni the intention was there the intent of this product is that the flavor is reminiscent of pepperoni that was our intent at inception.

Yes.

Our goals were pure.

To bring it all back around, these are to pepperoni as current dire wolves are to dire wolves.

Yes, Travis.

These are pepperoni.

Yeah.

Dire wolves were made to taste of dire wolves.

Yeah.

That is a similar situation.

Yes.

Crafted to replicate the look and feel of traditional caviar without the fish, pizza caviar delivers a bold, smoky, pepperoni flavor in a fun new form yeah and pizza caviar is the star of the brand new pizza caviar bump box the more they explain it and like the process and the outcome the more like alien

it feels when they're like we intended to replicate

this seems like a joke press release

like a fake press release someone would write in a book written in the year 1990 about how shitty the future was going to be.

Yeah.

And then it's being word-for-word kind of delivered.

Let me show you guys.

Look at this tab.

Can you see this tab?

Can you see what I'm highlighting here?

Yeah.

This is an asterisk.

After the first mention of pizza caviar, if you take the asterisk down, here's what it says.

Here's what it is.

So that's pepperoni flavored water and agar agar based caviar style pearls.

That is my favorite limp biscuit album.

Caviar, right?

Pepperoni flavored water and agar-agar-based caviar style pearls.

It's also so sick of them to get on the agar-agar trend a good fucking maybe 9, 10, 11 years after the fact.

And it's so, I mean, I'm more excited about this pepperoni-flavored water.

Let me just get that.

You don't have to wily dofrain it, man.

Just let me get it raw and wriggling, you know?

Just the juice for me, thanks.

The pizza caviar, okay, so this is the pizza caviar bump box.

It's a lux limited time twist on my hut box, Pizza Hut's signature combo meal.

The box includes one personal pan pizza and a choice of three plain boneless wings or fries, all topped with

three.

Three wings are the number of wings you'll have.

What's the correct number of buffalo?

What's the correct number of buffalo wings to eat with caviar?

Because I think three actually sounds pretty right to me.

Yeah,

that's a good number.

One little tiny thing that they do want to mention, that I want to mention about this, is that Pizza Hut's new product innovation pizza caviar bump box will be available exclusively at the Pizza Hut located at 932 8th Avenue in New York City from April 10th to April 12th from 4 to 8 p.m.

Was Pies Last.

I got to go.

It must be so fucking annoying to live in New York City all the time and just want to go to Pizza Hut to get a normal pizza one day.

And yet they are always like every chain is always doing the wildest shit.

And you are the lab rats because you live in a populated city where all these marketing firms are based.

You have to suffer for that and eat these pepperoni pearls that are made of pepperoni water just because you live in the same city as the major marketing firms.

It also must be such a huge strain on the infrastructure of New York City when something like this happens and there's just this flood of people rushing to New York City for these two days to get their hands on these pizza pearls.

It must be such a strain on the city and its economy and everything.

It must be

I will say it probably is easier than the average amount of difficulty to obtain pepperoni flavored water in New York City than it is that would be in like DC or any other.

I wanted to draw your guys' attention to something else here in this press release.

A Lux limited time twist on My Hutbox.

Pizza Hut's signature comma meal.

And we see the double asterisk here, right?

So let's get, will you guys come down with me down the page here?

And

Trav, will you read the, what's at the double asterisk?

Oh, yes, of course.

This is available April 10th through 12th.

Oh, at the location you said.

Three boneless naked medium wings only.

Availability, pricing, and participation varies.

Pizza caviar is pepperoni flavored water and agar agar-based caviar style pearls.

i shit you not it's in there twice under both of the asterisks they don't even want to take a fucking chance also i can't stress enough there's only one location listed and yet participation varies tell me that this isn't an ai generated thing guys please tell me it's not because there's no way that they have to specify you can only get three wings and also it's only available at this one restaurant but participation varies all the way here to be four wings so i might go to that restaurant and be like hey this is the one location where you're doing the pizza bump caviar.

And they're like, yeah.

And I'm like, cool.

Can I have some?

And they said, yeah, we're not doing that shit.

Yeah.

But you should also know that we legally have to tell you the pepperoni flavored water and agar agar based caviar style pearls.

That is important for you to know.

You can have it.

It will cost you $300.

It costs that guy like $20.

Yeah.

The pricing varies.

We want more from it.

Grow up.

Grow up.

Grow up.

You want the caviar or not?

You came all this way.

It's pepperoni flavored.

I'll take it.

We knew you would, you nasty dog.

Yeah, I guess you have to.

You can, I mean, I still don't understand if pizza caviar is available only at this location or if the pizza caviar bump box.

Yeah.

Here's the other thing, Justin.

Yeah.

If I were to add, let's say I get wild, I add caviar to a personal pan pizza.

Now, wait, what kind?

Pizza cavized.

Regular?

Regular

fish-based caviar.

Not a pepperoni flavored.

Not an agar, agar-based caviar stuff.

I'm talking your grandma's caviar.

Bog standard fishes.

Right?

I have added

caviar to the experience, right?

Flavor, experience, all that.

If I'm adding pepperoni-flavored caviar to a pepperoni pizza,

all I've added is a slight consistency.

Yeah.

You've turned it into orbits.

Yes.

But pizza.

Yeah.

It's like you love pizza.

You know this flat,

this flat savory cake, it's going to drive you absolutely insane.

But what if we had little jelly balls, little boba pizza for you?

Would you like that?

Would you like that?

Perhaps.

Probably not.

Probably not.

That's why we only did it at one restaurant because we don't have the strength of our convictions.

I don't believe in that.

An aerosolized pepperoni.

Yeah.

Please give me.

Give me a pill form of a pizza.

It's 2025.

I want to eat a pizza and a pill.

I want pizza pills and pepperoni sprays

all day long.

Caviar dreams.

Caviar dreams and pepperoni sprays.

And by caviar dreams, what I mean specifically is I want pepperoni flavored water and agar, agar-based, caviar-style pearl dreams.

So important.

But we've been what my grandparents envisioned when they came to this country.

They fight.

Pizza pills.

They've caviar bones.

We've been good boys, and we deserve this.

We've this.

That is going to do it for us.

I get that we don't get jet packs.

Yeah, please.

Give me Pepper.

We really appreciate you listening.

We really appreciate you joining us.

We hope you enjoyed this episode of our podcast because we tried our best.

Yeah, it always was our best, and I'm sorry that that's true, but I hope you liked it.

I have a couple of appearances we want to tell you guys about.

We're going to be at Dragon Con in Atlanta in late August.

So make sure you get the details on that at bit.ly forward slash McLayTours.

We're also going to be at the Harmony House Ren Fair.

That is going to be on May 3rd.

The exact times and specifics of that are going to be coming up, but if you can be in Huntington on May 3rd, we're going to be there as well as at Origins Game Fair in Columbus in June.

We're everywhere.

We're at it.

We're doing some shows in Michigan, Minnesota, and Ohio as well that have been announced.

And some of them are Taz, some of them are Bimbam.

All the Taz shows are going to be Taz versus and again to get tickets and find out more about those shows bit.ly slash macroy tours we've also got merch at the merch store if you haven't checked it out including a miggy mackerel spinner pin and 10 of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the national immigration project um thanks to montane for the use of a theme song my life is better with you it is an honor to use it um

it is a privilege montane's got some new shit uh popping and it really cranks and um i congratulate them on their creative

mastery journey.

Journey.

Their creative mastery journey.

There you go.

As one says.

Hey, I've got a fear here that I'd like to read.

I'm sure, sure, sure.

Okay.

This year, I'll be faster than my fear of belly buttons.

Just because it happened to Neo doesn't mean it'll happen to me.

Absolutely.

It could happen to you any day.

My name's Justin McCaroy.

I'm Travis McCroy.

They're real and they're coming.

Spin my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life

all

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