MBMBaM 753: The Dicktine Chapel

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

One, two, three, it's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the state park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true, all

It's better.

It's better with you.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to my brother, my brother, me and Advice Show for the Modern Era.

Hold on, one second before I start.

Hey, Sid.

Sid.

Sid, I got to do the podcast, babe.

Can you take the...

Thanks.

Thanks.

My gum.

What up?

Catch my gum.

Yeah, Sid always.

Your Foley was so on point there, Michael

that we got exactly with that goof.

Yeah for him for him what up Travis Nation?

It's me or Miller's brother Travis big dog wolf wolf macro

Sorry it got stuck in my throat.

Hey everybody

youngest brother.

Hold on.

Let me run this through the AI voice enhanced search.

Hey everybody, it's me Griffin McElroy the youngest brother built Ford Tough

So do you guys not know about his AI About Adrian, Adrian, capital A and I in his first name, Brody.

You don't know about that?

Sorry, no, I didn't know about that.

He wins best actor.

Okay.

Gets up there, Spitzgum, throws that wife.

Weird, wild choice that he made.

He wins best actor.

We find out that from the editor of the film, I believe, that they used AI to enhance the Hungarian accent of the actors in the film.

I didn't know you did.

Let's toss a fucking asterisk up there on the, you know, how they raise the jerseys up inside of the, you know,

Kodak party hall or wherever they hold the Oscars.

Raise one up there, asterisk next to Mr.

Brody's name.

I think.

It's only fair.

I will say this, as one of the three brothers, the only one of the three that got a degree in acting from fame school.

Being able to do acting

is like do accents is like a big part one of the major things it's cheating because i don't know what he sounded like on the set he could have been like hi i'm adrian brody i'm i love designing arcan i know nothing about the brutalist i know nothing about the brutalist but i could win an oscar if you run it through enough fucking filters it's not like doing a it's not like doing

see you know doing uh some computer graphics to make it look like superman's flying i don't expect an actor to be able to do that but uh uh accent uh accent uh accent that

the one thing we should know about adrian brody that we learned from snl is you cannot give this man a microphone

you cannot give this man a microphone or apparently gum or apartment or room to breathe you can't give this man space because if you let him follow his gut Yeah, it's going to take him to some odd places.

Some odds.

No Jamaican accents this time, but still some like although it is possible he showed up day one of filming for the brutalist and he was like and he was like time to design a city skyline but in a terrible Jamaican accent that I won't even do as a joke and the director's like what the fuck's he it's okay we'll AI it's the only accent I have Yeah, and it's and then Adrian Brody was like, it's not taking work away from anybody.

Adrian, it's taking work away from you, man.

It's taking work away from you.

It's taking your work away, Adrian, that you had to do for the film.

Also, wild to say it's not taking work away from anyone, but I'm pretty sure that there are very talented actors out there who could do a Hungarian accent.

It's like if

I showed up at a restaurant and I said, I'd like to be chef, now I'm very charismatic.

And they said, you are very charismatic.

Do you know how to chop things?

And I said, no, can you get a chopping robot to do it for me?

Exactly.

Why didn't we just get a chef who knows how to chop things?

Now, how do we feel?

How do we feel about the...

Turn that music off.

I know what I'm doing.

Let me finish my speech.

It's not my first rodeo.

How do we feel about that?

Because a lot of the elements of his presentation that evening were pretty rowdy in a way that I found.

I feel like it's such an incredible read.

I think it's such an incredible read at this time on earth to say,

no, don't let the globe keep a turning right now yep lord please let us slow down and just appreciate the adrian of it all for just a few more minutes please god let us just marinate in this adrian brody focused moment it's been a long time since we as a globe have stopped and you know what of all the things that we could do right now adrian you're right We all should give it a little bit longer just to just really stew in the Adrian Brodiness of the moment i bet that the production staff of the oscars was so thrown because no one's ever asked to not play the music and give them more time before so they were probably like whoa um he asked guys we should turn the music off and let him keep talking we didn't realize he was still going or we wouldn't have started the music it's definitely happened before but this time was Yeah, I mean, it's hard.

This time it meant something because it's Adrian Brody guy.

Do you know how hard.

Do you guys know how long he has had to work to get back to this point again where he is once more being honored for being the best actor in the world?

Do you know how hard he's had to fight to make this happen yet again for himself?

What is it about Timothy Chalamay that I can still feel bad for him when he loses an Oscar?

He's 15 years old.

He's in all of the best picture nominations.

He's wearing bright yellow.

He's wearing bright yellow.

He's got 800 bajillion dollars.

He's funny and charming.

Like, he seems to just be like a genuinely nice human being.

He knows about sports, which, Tim,

for me, that was where you lost me.

That was a bridge too far.

I think

why is it that I still, when he gets passed over for an Oscar, am like, oh, man.

Tim.

Everybody feels comfortable referencing Timothy Chalamet.

Everybody, like, yeah, I felt like every joke, every speech, every bit, they're like, he's got a great last name that's fun to say in a bit.

So, and look at him.

Everybody knows who Timothy Chalamay is.

So, everybody's referencing.

Wait, stop for a second right there.

I think that what you just said is actually so important.

And I do actually want to stop and touch on this for a second.

Hang on, Timothy.

We are living in an increasingly fractious world and nation.

There seems to be obviously we wave bye-bye to the monoculture long long ago.

Yeah.

And we are now in a more fractious period of culture where we're not really united.

No.

I will say this, and I'm probably not telling you anything you don't know, but I will say this.

I feel like

through his participation in

Dune,

and in the Bob Dylan movie, and Wonka, and

Lady Bird.

And okay.

No.

But the other ones.

Oh, okay.

I feel like maybe.

You heard it.

Hey, Tim, did you hear that?

You suck shit.

Wonka.

What I'm saying is, like, we used to have this idea of movies that would appeal to everybody.

Yes.

We used to have this idea.

That's gone.

What I'm saying is

Timothy Chalamay may be the only person that everybody knows, right?

Like the last.

It may be the one thing that like generationally, we all kind of know who Timothy Salamay is.

And I would say generationally, he probably has like favorable approval ratings.

You know what I mean?

Like I'm saying I want to cling to those things that we can all still agree on.

And I pray that, I just hope and pray

even Chalamet may continue to be that little strand.

I would make him.

To your point, Justin, I think parents, grandparents, children alike can get together and they could just start listing off names of people they would like that they have some frame of reference for.

And I think

Travis, I'm sorry, just listing off names of people end of sentence.

Yes.

And Timothy Chalamet would be the only one that all three would be like, well, yeah.

Yeah.

I know who that is.

They're going to rename the Venn diagram the Timothy Shalogram because that's what he is.

It's just like, that's all it represents.

He's the one unifying thing that we can all like.

Yeah.

Like Timothy Shalamay, you guys know about him.

And everybody's like, but doesn't get an Oscar.

Doesn't need one.

Yeah, but doesn't need one.

And also, can I say, Travis,

I don't know if the Oscar upsets this delicate, delicate balance that he has established, right?

Like, I can't risk.

Maybe we need him to be an underdog.

You know, maybe we need him to be fighting for acceptance.

Maybe, like, that's the thing that pushes him over out of relatability.

He somehow managed to maintain it.

And maybe that would be the breaking point.

He's away with crossover appeal.

If he gets too many accolades, all of a sudden, now

like Tom Hanks now he's big time chops yeah Tom Hanks won like 16 Oscars in a row or something and then everyone was like yeah okay Joe versus

Cloud Atlas that's another Oscar I don't think he won for I don't think he won for Cloud Atlas we all won we all won with that movie in a lot of ways

it was like

you were on a cruise during this Oscars how did you intake the Oscars this year how did you catch up with Vania?

Last night when I got back.

Last night when I got back.

And it was sucked, guys, because I'll tell you why.

Everyone was talking about Adrian Brody throwing his gum at his wife and everyone was talking about.

But they were talking about it in a way where it's like, we already talked about Adrian Brody throwing his wife gum.

We didn't know.

And Griffin, it's still, I think, worth mentioning.

that Adrian Brody, before he went up to do his big speech, is like, before getting a lot of honor and recognition, decided to spread that honor and recognition around by chucking his chewed-ass gun.

I heard

on The Rest of Entertainment, she said that she caught it like it was a wedding bouquet.

It's pretty beautiful.

Next, Oscar.

I heard that there was spooky music played for some reason during the Immemorium segment, which I haven't heard.

That sounds like a weird dirge.

Yeah.

Cool.

I'm into that.

See, that's put a little.

It's not about melancholy for me.

That moment should be a warning.

It should be a grounding moment of clarity for everyone in that theater of like, enjoy these honors, enjoy your flowers.

Because, you know.

You never know.

You never know.

I will say there were some twists and turns in that M Memoriam.

Some people came up and it was news to me.

There's a couple of those.

They hate me.

I hate when they throw tears.

Roblo, Roblox, one of his favorite quotes when I really said,

every time in a movie or T V show, I open a door and smile.

I always wonder if that's the clip they'll use for the immemorial.

Yeah, so I was like, I mean, I'm late to the party.

Everybody is so fucking tired of talking about this shit, which sucks because it's been the first 12 minutes of content in this episode of podcast.

Yeah, but we're here now.

And I got it out of my system.

I thank you boys.

You guys are mine.

You're welcome.

Outlet.

At my school, a bathroom was just shut down because a kid drew too many pinae on the walls.

I think you're the only ones who can answer the pressing question: how many penises must be drawn in a high school bathroom for it to be shut down?

Is there a certain limit you can have before it gets to be too much?

What is the proper punishment for this crime?

That's from In Distress in Indiana.

And congratulations on finding your question that it is exactly at our skill level.

This is perfectly

where we are qualified to operate.

Let's do it.

Let's just go down the line.

Zero?

No.

There's no problem.

One penis.

This is one of the worst options, I feel, because it's going to.

People are going to be curious about it.

If certain, if they, if, you know, maybe they haven't taken a health class yet and they don't know what's going on there.

They don't know what that thing is.

Also, in this regard, I will say in this circumstance, size does matter.

Yeah.

One giant penis drawn on the wall.

Sure.

I want to be careful for this discussion that we don't get into the question of size because like I actually the person asked for a number and I feel like we can arrive at the number

if we bring size into it scientifically.

So here's what I'll say.

Starting from zero, that one's easy.

Can we just establish, though?

Let's, let's use just frame of reference for size.

Big enough to see.

Big enough to see.

Big enough to see.

Small, though, hidden penis.

You would not,

if you, on a regular bathroom visit, you would clock it.

We'll clock it.

Yeah.

Okay.

But, okay.

But.

Small enough that you don't go like, wow, that's a big picture of a penis.

Wow.

Not a mural.

So here's what I would say.

Exactly.

first

one is fine because the first one you have plausible deniability first one you can say that's not a penis okay right

i'll also say this first one is like it that could have been a situation where someone sat down in the stall with no intent of drawing a penis but looked around i was like there's no penis doodle anywhere so i guess i'll put put one on here yeah um compulsory be scientific about this i'm gonna ask you a question that i don't even know needs asking this is assuming testicles are present as well, right?

That when you're drawing it.

Trav, I love you so much, pal.

Have you ever, have you ever seen that before?

Have you ever just seen a shaft doodle, pal, without the balls are the reason?

What I'm saying, Travis, is that a lot of the time a penis drawing...

I'm just going to ask a question you don't want an answer to.

Okay.

Let him answer you.

A lot of the time.

A penis drawing starts because you start drawing something and you're like, that looks like balls.

Right.

And then you do the rest of it based off of of that the idea that someone would draw a just shaft and then would be like done

is wild that's never happened in the history of humankind so right i just don't want us to get too far down the road of speaking about it in the specific terms of the penis and not including options

you first one is actually the hardest one to get past like excuse me yeah no that's what i'm saying it's one of the worst options people

but it is like you're not going to shut it down for one, right?

No, I don't think you will.

Okay.

Now, I do think it's more likely that you would see standalone.

Sorry, are we staying on one?

I just want to be clear.

Are we still on one?

I just want to explore the possibility of standalone balls drawings over standalone shaft drawings.

I think that that would be much more commonplace, but really, you got to.

And not germane to the discussion, which is already protracted.

Two is like totally inoffensive to me.

If I see two, it's like, okay.

It almost blends in with the geometry.

You know what I I mean?

It's almost like the textures that they designed for this bathroom had two and a half.

Yeah, that's cool.

And it's kind of nice because now they're not lonely.

You do that.

They have, oh, look at those friends, you think.

And then you spend the rest of your toilet time thinking about your friends.

I would say like two and three, not to like lump this together, but like two and three.

I appreciate because it removes for me the pressure to go clean up the one.

If there's one, there's the stress of like, I should really get the magic eraser and clean that up.

Now I see three, I'm like, oh, God, it's a bathroom.

When I see three, though, I assume they're gossiping, though.

And that is,

that gets to be a little distracting.

For me, when I see three, I have the thought.

Starting to be a lot of penises in here.

I have the thought of like...

So three is your life.

Three is not our cat hot woods territory.

Three is like, okay.

I'm not going to tear down, not going to tear down the stall and smash the toilet for three, but I will have the thought.

I hope this doesn't go any farther.

No, that is a tipping point, though.

Because here's the thing.

Think about that gum wall, you know, in a, I think it's in, what, San Francisco, Seattle, the gum wall at the market.

Yeah.

If you put one piece of gum on there, someone's just to face that wall.

Two pieces of gum.

Okay, now, but after three, it's starting to be a thing now.

Guys, this is so...

The important work that this show does is it finds truths that are truths that we didn't know are here.

Because guys, I'm thinking about four four penises in a bathroom and I'm going ape shit.

Yeah.

Here's what I'm saying.

The lunatics are running the asylum.

We are in absolute shutdown, buddy.

This is why it must be shut down, too.

After three, the tipping point from three to four, students are now leaving to go to the bathroom just to add another penis to the wall.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, it's a joke now.

If there's four on the wall,

there's not going to be four on the wall for very long.

Yeah.

That's why I will say, if you ever see a bathroom stall with four penises drawn on the wall, enjoy it, buddy, because someone's going to get up there and make it five real soon.

And then four on the wall.

Great start to fall.

That's what I always say.

Yeah.

So if you see three, that's not too many, but you need to clean then

before four gets there.

Now, this is interesting, guys.

Here's what I've discovered.

I'm more comfortable with five.

Whoa.

Because it feels like five has reached a sort of pagan stabilizing power, right?

It feels like there's a sort of like pagan energy that is being summoned by the sort of like de facto pentagram drawn by five.

Now, five feels like in harmony with nature, and it feels like

the only one to five and stabilize.

It's the only number post three that is like, okay, it's like one, cool, two, friends, three,

four, too much, five now gentle pagan energy, six through infinity.

That's too many dicks.

If the five penis units have been drawn four side by side, standing up and down, and then one drawn across as a slash mark, now we know that's a complete unit.

Well, we can't even talk about

arrangement, right?

Because if you had four penises on the wall, clearly that's a time to panic.

Let me finish.

Thank you.

Let me finish.

If there's four penises on the wall, that's when you start to panic.

But if they're drawn in like a cool Voltron, like they connect Voltron style and they form like a bigger dude, like obviously you're going to be like, wow, that's like a lot of these rules are suspended if they are beautifully drawn.

That people like appreciate it.

If it becomes like a mandala and people are adding the penises

of penis.

If you had six penises,

I'd go to the doctor.

But the school had been open for 60 years,

and each of the peni represented a different decade of the school's history.

That's

kind of uniform or a clothing style.

Era appropriate to mascot.

I don't know what the mascot of the school is.

Maybe a speech bubble encounter.

Something a description of a penny event.

Like a groovy.

A groovy penis for the 70s.

Groovy, man.

So if I see that,

and I'm like coming in as the vice principal of discipline or whatever, and I see that.

At Clarkson Community College, where I myself attended, and I see those 60 years of history represented on the wall, then touching me.

I'm like, well,

I'm touched.

You know what I mean?

That's kind of beautiful.

And what's beautiful about that, too, is your assumption is if only one goes up a decade, someone's chosen, whether it's probably not by staff, but by the student body, there's someone because you can't just go in there and doodle it on your own because people will see it and be like, that does not capture this decade at all.

Why'd you do that?

No.

You need somebody who rises, not elected as a student body leader, but rather a naturally born leader to draw the penis on the wall.

So if you do six historical ones, you're fine.

Now, seven, that to me, guys, starts to feel claustrophobic.

I'm starting to feel like, where do I look where I'm not looking at a wiener now?

There's that point.

The toilet could be perfectly clean, could be spotless, like you don't see them anymore.

Perfectly clean,

which for me is like green flag, time to go.

I'm not going to have to do any sanitary work myself in order to make this thing romp ready.

But I shut the door and there's seven fucking pink wieners in there, man.

I'm not, I can't stand it.

That's too much for me.

Yeah, that's too much.

Seven feels, yeah, seven feels predatory.

Here's the thing that this, this is a really important point now that we've reached here at eight,

because the science tells us that the reason phone numbers were are seven digits long.

Yeah.

They used to be, you know, seven is about the the biggest number that we can hold in our hand.

Like seven digits in our head.

Not in our head.

And my hand, I can hold lots, but yeah, I've seen you hold all kinds of lots of things.

Very strong.

In my high school graduation photos, I was holding Big 99.

Yeah, I was looking

cool.

So

what?

Sorry, what, Griffin?

Did you have something?

I heard a little noise, like a, well,

I sneezed.

It was a sneeze.

Yeah, a little one.

What were you seeing?

I don't know.

About eight.

So you're saying we can't hold eight numbers?

Once you see, you can't count that number anymore.

So like eight through infinity,

I think, is like,

can't even process.

It's all penises.

Like

you can't distinguish at that point between eight and nine.

The mind can't distinguish.

That's fair because then the kid comes back from a bathroom break.

It's been 45 minutes, maybe an hour.

And the teacher's like, you were gone a really long time.

And they're like, I got lost in the penises.

I was just, I was trying to hold them all eight in my mind at the same time.

And I simply couldn't.

And

I just lost time in there.

And I can't remember math now.

Sorry, Griffin, go ahead.

No, it sounds like you had a thing.

No, no, no.

At what point?

Please ask.

At what point does it cross back over?

At what point does it cross it into the point of like genuine fear?

Like, if, or

like

unable to comprehend how this many discrete penises

have fit.

There are if there's 900 penises on the wall, you walk in and be like, uh,

Principal Wilson, you better get in here.

Like a horror, like a horror movie, help written on the wall once.

Oh, no.

Help written a hundred times around the wall.

No fucking way.

But if there's 900 penises of various shapes and sizes, like a wall.

Yeah.

On the ceiling, suddenly it's like they should have sent a poet.

Like a dictatine chapel.

Yeah.

At that point, you're like,

you're not going to paint over it.

That's a good.

The other number, and this is actually this one you need a graphing calculator for.

So I'm, and it is size dependent.

But there's a number at which you draw so many penises that it becomes a sort of camouflage.

Yeah.

Where you can draw them on yourself, draw them on the walls.

It's like razzle-dazzle where the patterns you can no longer discern as penises.

So it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't matter as much.

I would say there's also a tipping point where there are so many penises on the wall that they stop being individuals and becomes one battalion of penis, right?

Where it's just like, that's the army of penis, right?

When it moves from like five people, 20 people to just one army,

right?

There would be a saturation point reached where all you think about is like a singular unit of units.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Man.

So not, I mean, I think four is four is the lowest number.

Four and eight

are bad.

If it hits four, you need to take action.

Yeah.

Four, once you three.

If it goes past four, don't take action and wait.

Until it gets back to eight, at that point, you've got to take action again.

Did we like six?

Six was good because that could be a historic.

You're right.

If it's six, it could be a historic thing.

Historical thing.

Six is great too.

There's a rhyming thing.

And then seven is lucky.

And then

eight is where things start to get pretty thorny.

Yeah.

So four.

Blank, blank, blank.

Eight through

eight ninety nine.

The second you see four, because if you take your time getting your bucket and magic greaser and you come back in, there's five, you missed your window.

You missed your window.

And if they're drawn on the windows,

that's another problem because people can see that from outside.

That had to be the whole episode, right?

Yeah.

Punch the clock, boys.

No,

we've earned our chance to earn our money, Griffin.

That's all we've earned.

Let's take a trip on over to the money zone.

Do you want to showcase your dick-related art?

Not in a stopping man, try it.

Do it again.

No.

Do it a different way.

Another try.

Let's do a

president of the company.

We could do like an improv game and be like, imagine another of Squarespace is on the call with us, Travis, and try to get.

Okay, Justin, you be the president of Squarespace.

Okay, hold on a second.

I don't

get to call it.

Look it up.

You're my boss.

Any bit.

Wait, I'm your boss and he's the president of Squarespace?

I'm his boss.

So he's watching.

No, the president of Squarespace is observing the call.

Why is your boss there?

You're my boss.

We're doing a scene.

Okay.

The president of Squarespace is sitting in the audience watching the scene.

i get it but my role feels like pretty tacked on if i'm being honest i don't know why you your character needs a

coming in we're doing a scene can we just see how it goes

yeah i'm just having i'm struggling because i thought that this is gonna boss yeah what is it we got too much product and how do we get it out there so people can see it and people can buy it if only there was a way we could display it you're wrong you're wrong

You're

you've fucked this so wild.

Like, Justin was saying you do the ad like the Squarespace guy is here.

And then you were like, you said an improv guy.

Griffin's my bot.

Yeah, but it has to be germane to what the ad was and what we were

doing.

I was saying, how do we get our products and services out there?

No.

You're supposed to say that.

No, now you've folded me into the concept.

You were you.

You were you.

You were you.

No, I wasn't.

I don't have a boss.

You were you.

That's what I'm saying.

I don't need to be here.

You don't have a boss.

It's you, Travis.

I'm the boss of Squarespace.

All right.

Let me set up the busket.

Just being me, it's not an improv game.

Let me set up the sketch, okay?

Travis is doing a Squarespace ad.

Are you saying that, like, if an improv actor says that their name is the same as their name, but they're pretending to do something they wouldn't normally do, that's not improv.

I need something that someone would do at a party.

Uh, what's something someone would do at a party?

Really?

Squarespace fucking copy points.

I've got a fun party.

Okay.

Hey, fellow guests of this party.

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace this week.

Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place.

Please use the coaster over there.

Thank you very much.

Get paid on time with professional on-brand invoices and online payments.

I see you two over there.

Let's save the PDA, okay?

My mom could be home any minute.

Plus, streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools.

Hey, leave that face alone.

That was my grandma.

Hey, Trav.

Hey, Trap.

It's me.

Yeah.

Your boss?

What the fuck are you doing, man?

I'm at a party, and I was doing

a party.

You're sitting at your desk.

You're sitting at your desk.

You're at your desk.

And I'm watching.

I'm trying to do like a one-man improv scene.

Why?

This isn't just one of us said the word improv and it planted an evil RFK worm in your fucking gourd.

And then you spun off.

You spun out and away from the ship.

And I want to get you back in the ship.

Excuse me, Griffin, was it?

Hi.

Mark Spotify.

Your brother was in the middle of the greatest ad read I've ever heard him.

Why is this

Spotify?

Why is it the idea that you would interrupt unrelated?

You're the CEO of Squarespace sitting in on the call.

You had a role already.

So you guys would fucking mark Squarespace so much.

This is easy.

This is a fucking grounder.

His last name could be Spotify unrelated to his job.

Yeah, but it's not.

It can't be.

Spotify open in another tab.

Why do you have Spotify open in another tab while we're recording our podcast?

Are you grooving?

Are you grooving to some tunes, dude?

I don't don't play white noise, then I hear you guys too good.

So I gotta have some white noise.

Love that Spotify white noise.

Jesus, man.

Just finished.

They also have cutting-edge design.

Squarespace offers a complete library of professionally designed and award-winning website templates with options for every use and category, intuitive drag and drop editing, beautiful styling options, unrivaled visual design effects, no experience required.

Head to squarespace.com/slash my brother for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MyBrother all one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Aw man, someone set fire to my mom's rug.

Party's over.

Grounded.

Hey, let's talk about rocket money.

If you're ready to blast off.

Give you this one, Mr.

Big Shits.

Absolutely unhinged that you would come.

You're busting in.

Mind giving me notes.

You show me how it's done.

You asked for notes.

Come on, King John.

You asked for improv.

You said you're the boss.

Justin, you okay?

Yeah, I just saw this energy.

The boss,

guys, I'm just trying to make a podcast with my brother.

Shit, Mountain.

I'm Big Shits, and that's true.

That's true about me.

I'm King Big Shits.

You've got to change your name.

I can't.

That's been his username since AOL Insta Messenger days, and you know it.

Yeah, it's my first Xbox gamer tag, and all my Halo guys thought it was so fucking funny.

King Big Shits is here to tell you that it's time to get your finances organized, and it's time to prioritize what matters most, like financial wellness.

Rocket Money helps you do exactly that.

Look,

I'm not going to bullshit you.

He's not king bullshit.

No, I'm King Big Shits.

And one of the ways that I take big shits is by subscribing to applications, usually because one of my kids asks me to like,

I promise I'll play

Doodle Kitchen 9 for the rest of my life.

15 bucks an ounce sounds pretty good.

It did, but that you can't stop my kids from.

And anyway, I'll subscribe to shit and I'll forget.

And then I'll be paying for it.

And then Rocket Money will be like, did you remember about it?

It'll be like, I don't even remember what Doodle Shit 5 is, but I am apparently paying 15 bucks a month for it.

Rocket Money will help get me out of that situation.

Because it's a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitor your spending, and help lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

You guys know about this.

We do.

We do.

I'm looking at my Rocket Money app right now.

It's telling me some bills I got coming up.

It's telling me some things I could cancel, some the ways I've been spending money lately.

It's kind of like an all-in-one place to manage your finances.

And it makes me feel responsible for the first time in my life.

Like I could be king big shits one day.

Yeah.

We are three of over 5 million users.

Rocket Money's saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions.

Half of that was Justin's.

Yeah.

Saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's premium features.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Go to rocketmoney.com slash my brother today.

That's rocketmoney.com slash my brother.

Rocketmoney.com slash my brother.

And that's why he's king of big shits, folks.

That was amazing, Griffin.

I shit him right over the plate.

I'm just really proud, Griffin.

Thanks.

Yeah.

No,

I did a good job.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Okay.

Okay.

I want a munch.

Squad.

I want to munch.

Squad.

Welcome to Munch Squad.

It's a podcast within podcasts, profiling the latest, greatest in brand eating.

god i missed so much while i was at sea i missed so much in the fast casual world i'm so excited for the brief that's why they call it fast gravint don't move slow taco bell rolled out a new uh all cheese shell that was seen by so many people on tick tock judging by my mentions uh i think everybody already saw it because i was tagged over 200 times in this taco bell video how's your brand doing justice it's going just the way I want it to.

So I'm not going to talk about that.

You said all cheese show, so it's just a big slab of fried cheese.

It's, listen, I just said I'm not going to talk about it.

Okay.

So don't try to trick me.

I hate it.

I mean, you brought it up.

I missed it while I was at sea, and I asked for the news, and you're like, everyone knows the news.

This is the Oscar talk all the fuck over again.

I've never heard of it.

I've seen Adrian Brody spit a big

wad of cheese into his girlfriend's hand.

Yeah.

Like a baby, like a toddler who had taken a bite of something they didn't want anymore.

He produces those in his dairy dairy sack.

Sorry, wait, one second.

I just got to get the.

There we go.

What?

Travis, can you read the top?

Arby's potato cakes pre-class action lawsuit.

Are you or a loved one?

That's all you get.

Oh, you closed it?

That's all you get.

Just

screen shared something and then closed it real fast.

Like he's.

Yeah, Arby's has announced the return of the fifth favorite potato cakes and menus nationwide, and they will sue themselves if they go off the menu.

What?

Okay, yeah.

It's like Arby's establishing

a partner to make sure that they don't look at pornography or something.

So an accountability partner.

Yes.

Right now,

Arby's is doing the thing in the werewolf movie when they're like, if I get out of this cage, shoot me with this gun.

Yes.

Because I will kill everyone you know.

Arby says, okay, the iconic, golden, perfectly seasoned Arby's potato cakes are officially back on the menu.

Now, if you don't know what these are, because you've never been to Arby's, they're hash browns, they're a little triangular hash browns, and you could get them instead of fries

at Arby's, and you haven't been able to, and now they're back.

Potato cakes recently made a comeback only to disappear again, leaving customers on an emotional roller coaster.

That's why this time, the return of potato cakes is backed by the creation of a pre-class action lawsuit Justin Tyler Why are they writing this like they disappeared and they don't know how or why?

Yeah, yeah, we went one day into the big vat where we keep them all the dang things were just gone.

We boned this.

That's it.

We boned It's weird when you think about oh, it must have been supply chain issues for potatoes for potatoes I hope not

seems like we got those coming out our if you'll forgive ears

That's corn.

I know that's why it's why I think forgiveness.

It doesn't make any sense.

After potato cakes returned briefly to the Arby's menu in 2024, July, there was an outpouring of excitement from fans who made it clear this menu item is a must-have.

But then guests were disappointed when their favorite snack disappeared.

When?

Because July wasn't that long ago, you guys.

They were very disappointed, Travis.

It says right here, they don't have the data, but anecdotally, guests were super, super distressed.

Arby's heard them loud and clear, and now the fan-favorite potato cakes are here to stay.

Okay.

Arby's is backing that promise now with

serious protection.

What this press release presupposes

is that while these fans loved these potato cakes,

now that they've had them taken away from them once,

they would be too scared to indulge in them again now that they're back.

Don't want to

say that they'll be taken away again, that there will be Charlie Brown and Lucy holding a potato cake, and she's saying, Cake to potato cake, or whatever.

And so Arby's is saying, Don't be scared, potato cake fans.

We are legally obligating ourselves to make money off of you by selling these potato cakes to you.

Yeah, so here's the deal: Arby's fans can now sign up, or ostensibly anyone, Arby's fans can now sign up to be part of a pre-class action lawsuit.

If potato cakes are removed from the menu before December 31st, 2026, Arby's will pay out $1 million worth of Arby's food to be split amongst the signees.

No menu item return has ever been this ironclad.

And since Arby's isn't planning to remove potato cakes from the menu ever again, those that sign up to be part of the pre-class action lawsuit can also redeem a DoorDash code, receive free delivery, and two-piece potato cakes from February 27th to a time that has passed.

So apologies.

So do they, did they put out a press release alongside this that says Arby's pleased to announce that potato cakes will be taken off the menu Jan 1, 2027.

Guaranteed.

No one wants this particular potato shape.

We had this one potato shape going for a while that people were crazy about.

Real tiny, slender, ketchup dippable guys.

So we are going to get these bad boys off of here just as soon as it is financially and legally convenient for us.

Here's what you do, folks.

Everybody,

everybody.

Sign this thing and then nobody buy the potato cakes.

Oh, force them to take it off, but they'll need to have them on hand in case somebody does, right?

Yeah, it's really good.

And then the day that you walk in and you say, Can I have some potato cakes?

And they say, We don't have any, you say, Gotcha, and you serve them.

And you say, I know I came to RV's, but you've been served.

And then you'll probably get like a dollar 25 out of it.

Real talk?

Well, I think it'll be more than that.

This is what I want to say.

Knowing what I know about how

many people participate in these fast food promotions, which is to say next to none.

I think if you got in here and you won this particular gamble, you're going to be walking away with at least eight, $900 worth of Arby's.

Yeah, you're going to be feeling pretty good.

And that's enough to know, you're not going to be feeling pretty good.

You're going to eat $800 to $900 worth of Arby's food, and you're going to build a little house

on top of the toilet.

Sort of.

Sort of improvise shelter.

It keeps you and the things you do in, and it keeps the outside world out.

That's your shell of shame.

We know our guests are passionate about our potato cakes, and we want to honor that loyalty by keeping them on the menu permanently, says Jeff Baker, the CMO at Arby's.

We're excited to finally announce their return and prove to all our guests that we listened to their pleas on social media, and we aren't going to let Arby's get away with removing potato cakes from the menu ever again.

And we aren't going to let,

yeah, he says, we aren't going to let, I didn't misread it, we aren't going to let Arby's get away with removing potato cakes from the menu ever again.

We've always been at war with Eurasia, and we're never taking away your potato cakes, America.

Sme.

Smee, stop me, Smee, stop me, Smee.

Stop me.

Damn it, Smee.

I'm giving them the potato cakes against me.

So Arby's has a number that I can call here to get more information.

Yeah.

So I am, I am, I mean, it has to be a recording, right?

There's no

big gamble.

I know.

833529.

Don't talk, Sarah.

833529.

It's an 833 loss, bud.

I don't think they're too worried about it.

Lossbud?

Not L-O-S-S-B-U-D, though.

I'm your loss, bud.

Don't talk.

Hello, and thank you for calling the Arby's Potato Cakes Pre-Class Action Lawsuit Hotline.

Potato Cakes are back at Arby's.

Arby's is seriously, not so seriously, preparing a pre-class action lawsuit against Arby's in the event that Arby's removes potato cakes from the Arby's menu in the future.

Arby's won't let Arby's get away with it.

Please join to ensure you receive any possible future settlement should potato cakes be removed from the Arby's menu.

Please visit Arby's Potato Cakes Lawsuit.com.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Sorry, but the user's mailbox can't accept more messages.

I really committed to the bit, huh?

I, yeah, they sure, they sure, that's a good use of a phone number.

I mean, we're not doing anything else with phone numbers.

We might as well let, they might as well call Arby's.

There's only 999,999,999 phone numbers.

And so

that's one.

That's one way to use it.

Okay, there's, there's,

um,

there's literally a part of this where it says, are you signing up?

Are you getting it?

Are you going to get you reading this pre-class action lawsuit?

Absolutely signing up.

Are you kidding me?

And it says Arby's may, in its sole discretion and at any time, discontinue this site or any part thereof with or without notice or may prevent your use of this site with or without notice to you you agree that you do not have any rights in this site and that Arby's will have no liability to you if this site is discontinued or your ability to access the site or any content you may have posted on the site is terminated you know that whoever came up with this campaign got a letter from the Arby's lawyers and they were like, ah, God damn it.

They're not going to let us have it.

They're going to break Kayfay pretty quickly, I think, if you just read at the bottom of the thing.

Um, like they'll let us make jokes and have fun at the top, but they are going to make absolutely certain that the actual stakes of this situation could not be clear to the end.

I guarantee what the marketing team showed up with was, We will shut down Arby's.

So, the promise is we close Arby's for good and give everybody all our money if we stop selling potato cakes.

And then the lawyers, the lawyers are like, Would you settle for a million dollars of Arby's food if you cancel it before

December 31st, 2026?

you can still say permanently because these fucking numbskulls are definitely, definitely not going to figure this out.

But is that okay?

Is that a good compromise?

Also, it's all fake, and we're going to tell them that it's all fake.

The rest of the stuff listed here is all written in like jokey, like it literally says underneath it, we're pretty sure Arby's is trademarked, but you can't actually

fucking walk it back.

We know your heart.

That one section is like, by the way, here's some ironclad stuff.

Okay, well, back to the jokes.

I love this.

I love this.

I don't love the potato cakes.

It's, they, they really.

Really not?

I did want to check in.

Yeah.

I call this section reality check.

Yeah.

Do you not like potato cakes?

I love potato cakes.

I'm saying I don't trust Arby's to evenly fry that big a piece of potato.

Um, it's a, it's a, it's a, that's a real temperature game at that point when you're trying to fry a big,

like,

you know, blob of potato instead of just a French fry.

A French fry is like not much potato.

So you can fry that pretty evenly, pretty good.

But this is.

Run me through, Griffin, just real quick, all the other different types of potato, the forms they come in and how easily they are to fry.

Okay.

Number one, baked potato.

Can't really fry one of those.

Okay.

So big, so much potato in there.

A hash brown, these are a little thicker than a hash brown, right?

A latka, I think, is somewhat user-friendly.

A lot of people probably wouldn't think that, but they're really flat.

A hash brown, you get a little bit thicker.

These potato cakes are, that's a good one and a half, two inches.

What about a tot?

A tot?

Harder than a fry because

it is more three-dimensional and it has like a volume to it that is more difficult to what about a man-sized potato?

I mean, sure, you

man-shaped, and same consistency.

No, so you heard me say the thing that a man?

Yeah, like if a potato looked like a man-satisfaction.

A potato with the consistency of a man of a man and maybe like

just like a man would have saying, like, no, no, please don't do this.

I'll pay you the money I owe you, I promise.

A sentient potato man?

A mischief potato body, you're saying.

Yeah, so I mean, you heard me say that baked potato is hard to fry, so I don't know why you think a man-shaped.

How long do you think it would take before

that man-shaped, man-sized, man-consistency, man-begging potato.

Trevor, are you trying to fry a man?

What?

You trying to fry a man?

No.

Trevor,

Trevor, are you over there frying men, dude?

No, man.

Why?

Juice, I think Trav's over there frying men.

Hey, Trav.

Can you not be the reason that our empire crumbles, please?

I'm just saying that there's a

lot of people.

People will see the headlines at the top of the paper and it'll be like one of the McElroy brothers and they'll be like, fuck yeah, I knew it.

And then it'll say, fries men.

And they'll be like, oh, that's, what?

That's the thing?

That's the thing?

That's wild.

I think,

and I'm not saying I do it, but I think you'd only have to fry one man

before you get the message across and everybody pays up.

Uh, I'd like to ask another question.

We have a few more minutes.

Can I borrow some money, by the way, Travis?

Do you have can I need like 10,000 bucks?

Yeah, I do have, I had the Arby's lawyer draw up some paperwork you need to see.

There's a lot of jokes in there.

Never mind, it's a joke.

There is a world in which eight people sign up for this, and you find yourself Arby's just randomly stop selling them because apparently nobody gave a shit.

And you end up as the proud recipient of like $100,000 on these gift cards that's so sick that's what i'm saying it's a pretty good scam i'd sign up for it or don't it's up to you uh here's a here's a a quick question before we go i was recently taking part in an icebreaker slash get to know each other type game where we had to say something interesting about ourselves my go-to fact was that i was on reality tv wilderness survival show survive this season two when i was 13 or 14 and i spent two months of the wild with little to no training or experience and made it all the way to the end of the series.

I'm happy to answer a few few questions for a minute or so, but don't know how to shift away from the topic nicely.

How do I get people to move away from the topic without sounding bitter or rude?

As fellow TV personalities, I was hoping you might have some insight.

How absolutely generous of you.

Proud but low-key between Petersboro and Lindsay, Ontario.

Specious premise.

I will say, you are.

laying out a savory little morsel here and it's too savory and you know that it's too savory so you can't be like so how do you get people to not nibble at it it's the you put out the you need them up you need a conversation stopper for one of these games because I agree with Griffin the problem is you are using this as an ice breaker which is literally a thing designed to start a conversation yeah right this is a game and then you're like oh no oh no I broke the ice and now they want to go through the ice

you have been asked to break the ice and you have instead created an iceberg that people are are like, well, this is interesting.

I wonder what's below this.

Like, oh, I'd like to see a little bit more.

And that's good, I think, but you can't be upset about that.

That seems like you're, it's working as intended.

It's a pretty good story.

But there's a ton of shit you could say that I'm not going to want to know anything about.

For example, hi, everybody.

I'm Griffin McRoy.

My interesting fact is that I ran my first marathon this past spring.

No one's going to ask you a fucking

what's the question?

So would you run real fast?

Like there's no follow-up that you could possibly generate out of that.

That's true.

You can get all the benefits of running a marathon almost without running it.

Yeah.

If you just tell people you did.

So what you're theorizing, 26.2.

Got it.

Whatever.

What you are theorizing, Griffin, is some sidewalk ice former.

Yeah.

Right.

That's like, I want to actually build up the ice betwixt you and I.

Or maybe we drop that ice

or drop that ice nine.

Yeah.

Make a wall of ice.

I mean, it's fucked up that my work

mandates me distributing my social currency away for free without asking me if I'm comfortable with it.

Hey, Griffin, make friends.

You can't make me do that because you're not my mom, my mom and your daddy.

Like, you're my boss, and this is a business.

Here's what I have to do for you, the boss, type in numbers on the computer, and that's it.

I don't have to make friends.

I'm not here to make friends.

I'm here to participate in capitalism to the degree that systems have allowed me to.

That's it.

That's it.

That's all you have to do.

That's all you got to lay out.

I have a rash.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Griffin McRoy, and I have a bad rash down there.

It's tough.

It's tough.

That's a good anecdote.

And you said in here we're fellow TV personalities, but I could never bring up my brother, my brother, and me as an icebreaker in a TV show as an icebreaker because...

I don't think it's possible for me to simultaneously tell someone that we made a TV show and then at the same time express them how far it was from the TV shows that they may be thinking of in their day-to-day life.

Like, it's like I did a TV show, and then I need to stop them before they react.

Like, my daughter, Cooper, is seven.

If she's telling us a story, she says, like, don't say anything until I'm done.

Don't react.

I'll say woo.

Don't say anything until the story's over.

And I feel like that with the TV show.

It's like, I did a TV show.

Whoops.

Wait, stop.

No, you need to listen.

Not like Becker.

Stop.

And everybody asks if I mean like Becker.

No, not like Becker.

No.

No, I'm saying it was a TV show, and there were six of them.

Yeah.

And that shut the network down.

And we made it for a million dollars at our house with our best buddy, JD.

But it was a TV show.

It was.

Kenneth says, you can't get it for free.

But it's more on the scale towards some kids cutting the front out of a cardboard box.

Right.

And maybe acting out some skits inside.

Except ours was locked into a tape and you can watch it online.

Exactly.

Someone somewhere may be making money off of it.

I don't know.

There's so much about what we do that is like the wrongest possible answer for this question of like, I don't want to, I don't want to admit sounds bad.

I'm not ashamed of the work that we do, but I certainly don't want to talk about it at length with a bunch of strangers.

And perhaps that is why we are fame-wise, sort of daywalkers.

When I was on the JoCo cruise last week, people said, like, you probably get this all the time.

I hate to bother you.

No, I don't.

i wake and don't uh i'm i run it pretty good stealth mode out there actually uh i can creep and crawl with the rest of them uh it's really only in venues like this or immediately after one of our live shows that we get recognized uh because we don't want to talk about our tv show unless but we do want to tell you about some live shows we have coming up that's where we shine That's where we shine.

That's where you got to capture us at Celluloid.

We've got more live shows coming up in the 20th Underdrive tour.

We're coming to Richmond, Virginia, doing My Brother, My Brother Brother, and Me, Charlotte, North Carolina, doing Taz and Raleigh, North Carolina, another My Brother, My Brother, and Me in April.

We're also going to be in Michigan, Minnesota, and Ohio.

All Taz shows this year are going to be Taz versus.

We just did that.

The first one of which, I believe, is either coming out this week or Taz.

Yeah, Taz vs.

Romeo and versus Juliet.

And it was a hell of a lot of fun.

Tickets for all of those are on sale now.

Go to bit.ly slash MacroyTours for more info and ticket links.

Oh, also, I'm very exciting.

I'm coming back to 20 Sided Tavern, uh, making my off-broadway rebut, I'm gonna say, um, this weekend

on uh March 13th through the 16th, doing uh, I don't know, five performances, I think it is.

Uh, who can keep track?

But you can find out when I'm gonna be there, get your tickets, 20sidedtavern.com.

Come see me in a live-action, uh, you know, DD comedy thing, uh, 20sidedtavern.com this weekend.

Hey, there's a new hoodie up on macroymerch.com, and it's one of my favorites that we've probably ever put up.

It is the Vasecticon hoodie, designed by Evan Palmer.

It has sort of like old school, like SNES box art vibes.

It's amazing, and 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Harmony House, which is an incredible organization from our hometown of Huntington that we are happy to partner up with.

like this.

Also, next week, Max Fun Drive starts.

Race your asses.

Race your asses.

We've got so much content ready for you.

You're going to fucking flip your shit.

You're going to have live streams and other events going on.

Every day of the drive runs for two weeks.

So turn on notifications for our Instagram stories.

Stay up to date when we're going live because we're doing it.

Break off the knob.

Break off the knob, coward.

So, yeah.

And hey, thanks to Montane for the use of our theme song.

My life is better with you.

For sure.

We really do appreciate you letting us use that one.

So, like, thanks.

Thank you.

Thanks.

A huge amount.

Hey, I got a fear here that someone's going to be faster than I'd like to read it to you.

Yeah.

This year, I'm going to be faster than my fear of Chinese giant salamanders possibly being around me.

I don't live in China, and they are critically endangered.

It's just unlikely.

My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm traveling.

Whoa, these guys are fucking huge.

So big.

This is Griffin Macaray.

I was in my brother, my brother, may kiss your dad square on the lips.

I hope one's not near me.

Yep.

It's better, it's better with you.

This is you.

It's better, it's better with you.

all.

It's better with you.

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