MBMBaM 742: Vesecticon Seven

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed.

It's ripened a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

Life,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life, I,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true, all

It's better with two.

It's better with you.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to my brother, my brother, Mean Advice Show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

Oh, what up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your Miller's brother, Travis Big Dog, Wolf Wolf McElroy.

What's up, Chooms?

It's me,

your sweet baby brother, fucking Chrome Jock Psycho Griffin McElroy.

Griffin Zap McElroy.

Did you say Chrome Jock Psycho?

Yeah.

I'm a fucking street samurai chrome psycho jockey drab.

Jockey.

The fact you don't know that makes you a real gonk.

Hey, makes me a what?

Why have you been shredding through so much ice lately?

Why are you such a baby?

You know me.

I'm a jockey, and I gotta get chipped with the new shit.

I was cruising down Dog Street

yesterday with my shoes.

And

I

saw this ad in the scream sheets for a real psycho fucked up Ripper Dock down

in Tiny Kyoto.

And so I cruised down there because I'm always trying to get chip with the new shit.

I had, I was flushed with ads from this gunk.

I zeroed.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I zeroed a gonk and I clapped his ads, took him to the fucking psycho ripper dock I found in the scream sheets and he was like, what are you looking for?

And I pointed at my crotch.

And he was like, third nut.

And I was like, no, the other way.

I was like, I want you to zero all my seed.

Zero my seed for me.

Clear myself.

He got in there.

He fucking bumped the Ram on my Sandevastan and put some new launchers on my mantis blades.

And then he severed my vas deference.

Completing the trifecta.

Completing it.

And now I'm, look at me, guys.

I'm glowing.

I got all the new bio mods available.

I got to be at the top of the line when I live on the edge.

Now with your overclocked penis.

It's more, Travis, about the underclocking.

You underclocked your penis.

I took a look at some of my benchmarks and I said, there's one of those in particular I would like to reduce to zero.

Yesterday, this was that I was took out all your RAM.

Dog Street.

I unloaded.

I unloaded and I miss it.

I miss it.

I miss all my guys.

So, what, your 24 hours post?

Yeah.

Just about 25 hours post as the crow flies.

How has the recovery process been?

What's the heaviest thing?

I mean, as funny as you think it's going to be.

it's like non-stop nut humor that you're like, is also a moment that you're in.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And the moment lasts for a long time.

But this is it, man, guys.

This is the martini shot on the whole generation of McElroy creation.

That's it.

Did you have them put in the fake testicles for you like they give dogs?

They didn't, as far as I know, because I asked afterwards, which was embarrassing.

I was like, so what did you just do?

I didn't think the...

Well, I knew what the end game was.

Griffin.

Yes.

When you asked what they just did, did the doctor say something like, don't worry about it?

Or like, it's done now, so it doesn't matter.

I mean, my doc was super chill.

He was like, you're going to feel it.

He was like, you have to feel it.

Which I thought was weird.

He was like, you're going to feel it a little bit.

And I was like, you really can't just pump it so full that it I don't feel it at all And he was like it's normal to feel it a little bit, But he said, Don't bear down.

That makes it harder.

He said, Just kind of,

just kind of take, take that moment and make space for it.

I thought you mentioned just a second ago that your doctor for your vasectomy was super chill.

Considering the procedure was, you allowed it to continue, I would assume that's understood.

Because if he had come to you like, well, here goes nothing.

First time for everything.

Yeah, right?

Like, I can't believe

it was doing my first one by myself.

You don't have a spare hand to hold this scalpel, do you?

He gave me a bit of a hard time during the first time.

The reverse is supposed to be.

He gave me a soft time, but the first nut was hard, was difficult for me.

And I was sort of doing some heavy breathing, and I got a little nauseous.

And I was like, is it normal to feel like really nauseous right now?

And he was like, yeah, for nervous guys.

Well, but he also read you like a book then, Griffin.

Well, yeah, he also had my scrotum spatchcocked on the table in front of him, which is a real power dynamic that I don't even think he took time to stop and consider.

That's why you have to like wear a cool mask or something.

So you're intimidating him while he's intimidating you.

Well, I had on the sunglasses that pop out of my cheekbones, which was one of my first AUGs.

Oh, yeah?

Was that an expensive one?

There were some older, old head freaks there, too, who were getting some prostate AUGs.

And I was like, hell yeah, dude.

Don't ever give up.

With the kind of body work we're able to get now, none of us ever has to die

that's true

did they give him to you in a jar afterwards for you to take i was dang it travis i was just about to ask that question

so there's no and you guys have both had this dud i know so there's i still got him

yeah we don't want to are you worried that people might listen to this podcast and take it as medical advice yeah

i still got him But he did leave, you know, they go in and they take a little bit of the tubing out.

And he just left that on the sort of operating tray after he was.

He said, chill here for five minutes.

Yeah, he poured a hot broth over them and they writhed on the tray.

I was like, that's a chill dude, man.

And then you ate it for vitamins, right?

No, Travis, no.

No, you're going to give people really misguided ideas about what this procedure is like.

You do not consume anything.

They don't consume anything.

Here's the good news.

Anyone listening at home, getting a vasectomy, vasectomy, whether you never want to have kids or you're done having kids, rules, because then after that, when someone's like, you guys ever think about having another one?

You could say stuff like, nah, that factory is closed.

Nobody ever goes in.

Nobody ever comes out.

That factory is so weird.

If you want to be fucking weird.

If you want to be like the weirdest possible about that.

You guys know me.

That's

the insane thing to ask.

Mind your own damn thing.

That's also true.

That's also a good way to go.

I'm going to start wearing shirts that say, don't ask me about my vasectomy.

Read this pamphlet I've printed out.

Hey, Griffin, if you want to start selling shirts that say that, I think that we could make it really nice.

Actually, yeah, that's actually.

I don't want to talk about my vasectomy today.

We could, if there's a tiny about my vasectomy, tiny please at the top, but it's just very, very little please.

Don't ask me about my vectom.

I don't want to be too aggressive about it.

Please understand.

I'd rather you not ask me about my vasectomy.

There might be people who buy that earnestly wanting to get that message across, but it's going to attract a lot of people who are going to be fucking jokers about it and think this is a joke t-shirt probably bought at Spencer's.

We'll make the don't really big then.

So it'll be like, don't ask me about my vasectomy.

I feel like Spencer's Gifts,

I went from, I realized this at the mall this week.

There is an inflection point where I thought I was too young to go in Spencer's Gifts.

And if I got caught in there, someone would be like, get out of here.

This is grown-up stuff.

Look at all these butts on this postcard, kid.

Get out of here.

Sure.

And now I definitely feel too old.

Yeah.

Like if I went to Spencer's, I'd be like, get out of here.

This is, this stuff has Charlie XCX on it.

You're not allowed to be in here.

And so

I don't know if there is a point where anybody's allowed in Spencer's.

21 to 23.

I was going to say 16, 16 and 17.

You're one of those two ages where you're old enough to drive, but too young to vote.

You can go into Spencer's.

gifts.

Here's what I think.

I think that everybody feels that way, or else it's not Spencer's.

That's true.

Because if you look at, look in your heart, if you're somebody who walks into Spencer's gifts and you think I'm not challenged by any of him,

lock yourself in prison.

You're not getting pushed out of your comfort zone.

It ain't a Spencer's.

Yeah, or you're a monster.

The Spencer's is next to your comfort zone to the left of Auntie Ann's.

What if cyber fucking psycho body mods became like reality?

I bet Spencer's gifts would definitely become a big, big player in this space.

Oh, yeah.

In the chrome space.

Give me a torso plate with Demon Slayer guy on it.

I would like to transition from this discussion to our first question because I think it's Germaine, if we could.

Please.

I'm in a standstill traffic in Atlanta right now, staring at a trunk with a hot pink truck nuts hanging off the hitch.

Can you please tell me why

only balls?

Don't dudes care about the size of their noodle rather than the size of their balls?

Am I missing something?

What happened to this truck's noodle?

So this person is just asking about truck nuts.

Now, I wanted to get your guys' read on this because I have an assumption about the

why it's nuts and not the

full package.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, I'd love to hear your theory.

My assumption is the truck represents the dick.

That the truck is the dick.

That's cool.

And the balls hang off the back to indicate this is my truck dick.

Well, and I also think there's a suggestion that a truck probably has an internal dick, like one that like a dog, like

it can come out.

And I don't want to get too gross and blue about it, but I think anyone...

Also, would the shaft be sorry?

Okay, here's the bumper of the truck.

Yeah,

is the shaft on the front?

Of the balls as we're seeing it or is it going this way?

If the truck's I'm saying if the truck's headlights are its head and then you followed it down and there would be balls the shaft would not face the car behind no it's on all fours

the truck is on all fours okay you never see a truck walking on just two wheels no travis that's i understand that but if you went downward dog right now would your shaft hang on the back of your balls no man no it would be on the front kind of pointing down that you would still only probably see

so i think anyone who just expects maybe the shaft is there and you just can't see it because you're both

the shaft.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

You sound so wild right now.

You know that.

Why are the nuts the only anatomically correct part of the truck?

Well, I assumed you were indicating like this truck is a metaphor for my dick.

And so here are some literal balls.

But then in the metaphor, I'm inside my dick driving it.

Going crazy.

It also would imply just on a scale difference.

Yeah.

My truck nuts are a prescription.

I like to have my balls out all the time.

And I had trouble getting into vehicles.

Even structures were a challenge for me because I didn't want my ball's view to be obscured at any point.

Yeah.

You need proxy balls.

Truck was really hard for me, especially truck cab, because I feel like I needed that.

behind me to carry all the baggage I had.

If you so my doctor said wait, let him finish, please.

Thank you.

You're sounding a lot like my doctor right now.

I know you don't mean.

I'm sorry.

Yes, please.

Go on.

Yeah, thank you.

The doctor said that maybe I could attach these artificial

nuts to the back of my truck so I could always be displaying my scrotum.

It's modeled exactly on mine.

It costs $18,000.

Did you do like a plaster cast kind of like epoxy?

It was neoprene.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah.

And the truck nuts themselves are held on with a neodymium magnet that actually is

helps to charge my cell phone.

That's amazing.

Whoa, that's cool.

It's rare earth

is in

layman's parlance.

If you're someone with truck nuts out of respect for your truck, you probably like tuck them away if you're going to do like some mudding or off-roading or whatever.

That's illegal, actually.

If the cops catch you and you have magnets on the back of the truck nuts that let you swing them up out of sight whenever you're in a precarious social situation, that's illegal.

You're not allowed to do that.

I would just feel terrible just letting my truck's nuts bang around like that and like hit rocks and get all muddy and stuff.

You can't, you can't see this image that we have, friends, but this on the back of this truck, in addition to these, I gotta say, pretty big truck nuts.

I mean, even for like, I know I don't like to comment on people's genitalia, but like those are pretty big, I feel.

They're optimist prime.

Yeah.

There is something on there on the truck that says call for a free estimate.

And I think that that is pretty.

that's awesome that's pretty good to not only have truck nuts but here is a phone number where you can call me directly at any point to discuss these nuts you know exactly how this is a profession this is a work vehicle yeah yeah

yeah I can't see the area code or I would have got an answer on this already correct yeah I just call them up I'd like you to estimate why you

why you have those could you estimate where's your truck dick just estimate it for me is the truck that can you estimate if the truck is the the dick?

Is it your driving?

Is it the dick or is it internal?

Are you driving inside the metaphor of your truck, Dick?

The shaft is actually coming up underneath the tailgate.

It's been squished.

Oh, no.

Ah!

It's caught.

Not again.

You can actually see a little rubber man sticking out of the truck bed like, yeah!

Not again.

Poor dog.

Come.

Let's have it again.

That's cool.

I see Blondie's repeating strips.

Sagwin got his nuts stuck in the truck again.

I'm going to start making truck-like arms and like a truck shoulder and maybe like a truck knee and just slowly kind of metamorphosize.

Yes.

I metamorphosize.

I want a hereditary brand truck daughter for my passenger window.

Yes.

The dick isn't funny.

The balls are the only funny part of what's going on.

The dick is very serious.

The dick is gross and weird.

I'm not going to go that far.

Bodies are beautiful.

But dick is a serious matter.

Compared to the bottom part of it, it's funny and like it rules, man, down there.

Hey, can I...

The whole situation is awesome.

The whole stuff is so cool.

I have an idea, and it's for a segment.

And it's like WikiHow, except Cynthia sent this in.

WikiHow does a lot of other stuff other than just silly articles

written by well-meaning amateur artists.

They got games, and this one is the Riz game.

Test Your Riz.

And

I thought, let's knock it out.

Wondering how much Riz you actually have.

Calculate your Riz score and find out whether you've reached peak Rizzler status with our interactive game.

I don't think you can say Rizzler status.

I think that should have gone back to that one.

I actually think that one.

Rizzler has been co-opted by the Rizzler so hard that only the Rizzler gets to be the game.

is that something multiple folks can be I'm saying that was a title one had to earn through a series of I only know of one in my house there's only one the Rizzler yeah okay he's friends with Big Justice and AJ so like yeah there's the Rizzler the onesler

and I think that's it I think there's just

so this is a literal like little text parser quiz where you actually type in your answer so I thought we could like come up with the best answers together.

I don't know how they grade this.

It's probably not AI just because it's WikiHow and they only have graded by like a professor.

What are you talking about?

It's possible, but I don't know how.

Essay questions?

I mean, it can be an essay if we want to write an essay, but that would probably not be great audio.

So let me hit you with this.

You come across one of these dating profiles.

What's your opening line?

We got Rebecca, 25, creative director at WikiPicky.

So here's my story.

I'm a teacher by day and a wannabe Reiki master by night.

A native Oregonian, I couldn't live without my daily barefoot walk in the dewy morning grass.

If you asked my friends, they'd say I'm a typical Libra with Aquarius tendencies.

Or Michael 28, he's going to University of Colorado Boulder.

I'm a competent, passionate, and funny person.

I teach taekwondo and do stunt work in films and television.

You know, all those times you see a naked man butt on screen?

Yep.

Is there a Rizzler to be like, pass?

Oh, that's cool.

I kind of don't hate that.

Pass next.

Swipe whatever direction means you don't like it.

I'm sorry.

I got married in 2005.

Okay.

Yeah.

Either one of those people I'm sure is special for someone, not for me.

Oh, we could also do this.

We could be like, Rebecca,

you should hit Michael up.

Oh, yeah.

You two would get along great.

That is a cute pairing.

I wish I could pick.

Yeah.

He teached Taekwondo, and you know, the butt, the butts you see on TV.

Go for it.

Hey, Griffin, I think you stumbled on something really good.

Quick sidebar.

Yeah.

A killer version of those apps would be like, I would do the dating apps if I didn't do the dating.

I just saw people.

I'm like, ooh, that's what I got to do it.

Can I do that?

They don't need AI for that.

Trust me.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

AI would not get it right because AI would be like, AI would be like, they both like Seinfeld.

Kiss, kiss.

And you know, like, I'll do it.

They just kind of tell me everything.

Man, I'll take it a step further and pay for the, like, premium version.

And I'll, like, impractical jokers in your ear tell you what to say on the day.

Fuck yes.

Or yes.

Alternatively, after you do the matching, those two have to get married at first sight.

We'll be there every step of the way to help them through this challenging romance journey.

Will de Berger actor, whole marriage, whole idea from beginning to end.

It's like The Sims, but real life.

You're calling someone you're interested in.

How do you make them smile?

I validate their feelings.

Validate their feelings.

And I listen and don't try to fix their problems.

Talking a bunch of nonsense.

What?

Okay, so I just wrote everything.

Am I going in on cold, cold approach?

Yeah, make them smile, Juice.

Harden egg.

Harden egg early.

Harden egg early.

My next is going to be ask them about their day and be

interested.

Defensive smile.

Defensive smile.

Okay, so so far I have.

Hey, a smile's a smile.

Okay, so I got validate their feelings and listen and don't try to.

Just kidding.

Hard nag early.

A smile is a smile.

Even an uncomfortable.

We're on the next one.

What's your favorite question to ask on a first date?

I don't think that accurately.

I think your traps and I could have workshop that a bit.

We could

that would take too long.

Yeah, just so when you're on the date, you don't have time to workshop.

That's true, that's true.

But that's why we're taking a quiz.

Yeah.

Not on a date.

What's your favorite question to ask on a first date?

Let me remember 15 years ago,

I would ask my first date the same question I ask all strangers.

What food could you eat the most of?

It's pretty good.

Do you eat the most of?

They're going to be confused by that.

Can we like flesh it out with like, for instance,

on sense?

I say,

well, I guess you could say, like, what food could you win an eating contest of?

Because that's usually if people need more clarifications.

Yeah, I like that.

Could you win an eating?

I mean,

do you have an answer locked and loaded for this?

Yes.

What?

What?

Yes, obviously.

You think I'm going around asking people that without having an answer?

Are you just stalling right?

Nachos?

Munchos.

Munchos.

Munchos.

Huh.

I ain't fuck.

I like four bags of munchos.

I don't care.

The amount of machines.

Yeah, Justin, you're a fucking rebel, dude.

I'm a lunatic.

You don't know what I'm capable of.

You know what else?

You know what?

My real answer is I just changed it.

Yeah.

Because I'm hungry.

Peanut butter pretzels.

Holy shit, dude.

I drained a bucket of those the other day straight.

If I could get like a Novocaine shot that would like

numb my jaw to any kind of jaw pain, fuck, there's no stopping me with that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Right.

I would would need some sort of lubricant.

Man,

Cindy and I were talking about this, and she got mad at me because I said, I just need some way to keep my mouth wet.

She said, don't say that.

And I was like, but I mean, we have to acknowledge.

You know what I mean?

Right.

I just got to keep my mouth wet.

So it is the human condition.

That we spend every moment of our life balancing the dryness or wetness of our mouth with food or drinks.

And pretzels throws that shit so far off.

Second milk.

Everybody's always looking.

When you're perusing for snacks, it's actually like, this is this time-honored American tradition where you're like going to the gas station.

You're like, so what snacks do you want?

And then you look at the snacks for a long time.

You just want peanut butter-filled pretzels.

Yeah, man.

Because they taste it.

That's all you want.

Taste good.

Go get them.

Fills you up if you need that.

Protein.

Fills you up.

Get good.

So I'm going to, hold on.

Let me type that all out.

I have,

what food could you eat the most of?

What food could you win an eating contest of?

Munchos

or PBPs.

So thirsty good.

Next, you see your gym crush working out.

How do you make the first move?

Don't.

That's a quick one.

And I agree.

And we'll move right on.

You spot someone cute in a cafe.

How do you approach them?

Is this seat taken?

Is that...

You're pointing at their seat.

You're pointing at the seat they're sitting in.

No.

Serpentine.

that's the approach yeah that's the approach you got to go in veering back and forth they can't see you coming and then like you're next to them like serpentine maybe maybe slice the pie slice the pie next to them on the same side of the table watch your angles

actually if i could show you guys the image

Can you screen share in Riverside?

Yeah, click share.

If you look, actually,

it does look like a man is kind of like...

Oh, yeah.

He's kind of doing a little solid snake.

It looks like a two-way mirror.

Yeah.

Okay.

I have to.

Sorry.

This is completely different.

This is a completely different question that the text would imply.

The text says, you spot someone cute in a cafe.

How do you approach them?

Absolutely fair.

But in the image, what becomes clear is that you are outside the cafe.

The person is inside the cafe.

Ding door swings open.

Hey, hey,

guys are doing it.

It's not a girl shop.

You can't.

Like, right?

Like, they are also

getting a book, which is the universal sign for, like, I would like to be left alone.

Okay, so how do you approach them?

Go the opposite direction.

Yes, if it's meant to be you'll meet each other.

Write your phone number in a book.

They like books.

Wait.

Sell the book at a nearby serendipity.

Wait for serendipity.

Yeah.

It'll happen.

Keep your

grades up.

Stay prayed up.

And just wait.

Keep your grades up.

Keep your grades up.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I should be putting that at the end of each of those.

It's your partner's birthday.

What thoughtful gift do you give them?

Yeah, right.

Like, I'm going to waste one of those on our fucking podcast.

Nice, nice try.

Like, I'm going to turn one of those into a joke and not an actual thing I do.

I'm going to give them

time away from me.

Oh, that's sad.

They're friends.

Yeah.

That makes me sad, Tramp.

Yeah, it's sad, man.

You're better than that.

What?

You're better than that.

It's blue-collar comedy tour.

Like, you're better than this.

Yeah, here's your.

Hey, guys, I'm clearly not, or they wouldn't need the day away from me.

You know what I mean?

I can be a lot.

Oh, man.

Yeah, it just hurts to hear it.

It makes me sad.

You can't hear it.

The picture shows flowers.

So just say flowers.

I guess so.

Write flowers, like in the picture.

I mean, the thoughtful thing implies that

i'm thoughting about them and i can't thought about them in this hypothetical situation a specific thing for their specific tastes yeah you know i guess something they'd like

they should make a shop where you go in and then there's just like a billion flowers to pick from and it's like you're at the lego store or at coldstone and then you can put a bunch of different flowers together And you can take those and be like, I put a lot of thought into it.

I picked each of the flowers in this thing.

There you go.

I think too, man, let's put some of those internet sleuths out there to go work.

I wish I could go into a store and give them like all of Justin McRoy's socials and then be like, 20 minutes, give me like a list of recommendations for gifts that just

give you a private detective gift.

Yes.

Advisor.

That's so good, Travis.

Yes.

This sucks.

You know why we're never going to be rich?

It's just this stupid fucking podcast.

Yeah, we're giving it.

We're giving it away.

If it weren't for this dumbass podcast, 80, 80 times in my life already, I would have picked up with him and be like, Travis, you're never going to believe it.

We'd never have to work again.

And it's like, that's it.

We're rich.

Flowers like in the...

Like those two blind brothers on Facebook all the time.

What could have been us?

We're brothers.

What are you talking about, man?

Two Blind Brothers.

It's a clothing company.

They're brothers also, but they got rich.

And we did this stupid show.

We should have done that.

I'm not

on your alcohol.

Your alco is your blade to say you crafted.

This is well-known clothing.

This is just

a well-known, well-known thing.

Okay.

Okay, I got flowers like in the picture.

Customize them like at Coldstone Private Detective Gift Advisor.

I lost the plot.

No, you nailed it.

You're in charge of the next date.

Where do you plan to sweep them off their feet?

What do you do to sweep them off their feet?

That's easy.

You're going for the ankles.

You want to go like a

leg kick or

maybe like a shoulder throw two would work.

Get the waiter

to kneel down behind them for a classic bully's push.

I love that.

The classic bully's push.

The classic bully's push.

Dude, can you even imagine the first time?

It was probably like 1780, and there was a kid who was like...

pushing his friend, but another friend was tying his shoes behind him, and it was totally an accident.

But those two looked at each other like, whoa.

We've really stumbled on something.

That's how we bring the big kids down.

Benedict.

Okay, last one.

I would actually say that trick.

I don't think of it as a bully's shove, right?

I think that is like a David and Goliath-style technique.

It's the way to take out.

Get a big guy.

Well, it would be like David and Greg and

Goliath

and Goliath.

You need a couple Daves in there.

Your partner is having a bad day.

How do you cheer them up?

Last one.

Hold them.

I just said accountable.

Why are they still so sad?

Hold them comfortable, Travis.

I said accountable, but accountable.

Comfortable

for their sins.

Make them comfortable.

I would like them to be comfortable while they're accountable.

Yeah.

Okay.

So they're doing some reflection.

And you're making.

Sorry.

Quick sidebar.

I would like to reverse the clauses so that they are comfortable and then you hold them accountable for their sins.

I feel like

the accountability is going to flow a lot better if they're already physically comfortable.

You want them to let their guard down before the accountability starts.

There's no get, yeah.

If the accountability happens while you hold them accountable for their sins, okay, cool.

All right,

let's see how we do.

Okay, an MX ad, not gonna sign up for one of those.

This is my reward, according to this ad window.

Oh, no!

Oh, boy.

We got a 22 out of 100.

Your Riz is terrible.

On what metric?

I got to see a little bit more context.

Leah, I'm sure that they have the

machine learning fucking breakdown.

No, I mean, they just said, have you interacted with a person before your responses came off as confusing and at times rude?

What?

Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's confusing.

And now you're talking about it.

So tell me who's Riz's bad computer because you're still thinking about it, computer, trying to understand it.

That's Riz, baby.

This is the number one thing that computers should not be telling us how to do.

Talk to you.

Have we done that?

Like, there's nothing.

We can barely figure this out.

And we got like a thousand supercomputers.

There's no way that a computer should be telling me about Riz.

It's the last human frontier.

Yeah.

I wouldn't tell a computer how to seduce another computer.

Yeah.

When we'd watch Cylons, I'd watch from us.

It's the Riz.

That's what separates us.

Yeah.

You don't know how we're selling these lines.

I saw Battlestar Galactica, man.

They can Riz with the best.

They rizz pretty hard, dude.

Well, you just did an incredible impression of the XO.

Why are you doing that?

Yeah, I know where Cylons are.

They're Rizz everywhere.

My spine glows all red whenever I get a boner.

That's my next aug.

Let's take a a break.

A hog aug.

Next time I aug my hog, I'm getting that glowed spine stuff, baby.

It's better,

um, if you are in the market for a holiday gift for someone you love, or maybe just yourself, I'm going to stride out of the shadows and take you by the hand and say, come on, we're going to Aura Frames because they are fantastic company.

Voted actually the number one digital frame by Wirecutter, believe it or not.

I do believe it.

I'm glad you do, Trav, because it's 100% true.

It's a great gift because you can set it up beforehand, even if the person's not super tech-savvy.

You can plug in their Wi-Fi info, all that stuff before.

And then after you give it to them and plug it in, you can shoot them pictures from all over the world using the Aura app right after you take them.

You just zip them over to your friends and family's frames.

The person doesn't have to know a lot about technology.

They just have to love seeing new pictures of you.

It's a great way to keep people in the loop.

I don't often give guarantees like this, but this is Travis Mac guarantee that an aura frame, there's almost 100% chance that you're not going to accidentally eat it.

So, like, that's huge.

That's true.

That's true.

You're almost probably never going to eat these.

Save on the perfect gift.

They don't look tasty.

They don't look like that.

That's what I'm saying.

You're not going to get food on there unless you have a picture on food.

Oh, shit.

Save on a perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com.

Buy two in case you eat one.

You'll get $35 off aura's best-selling Carver Matte frames by using promo code MyBrother at checkout.

That's A-U-R-A frames.com.

Promo code MyBrother.

This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays.

Terms and conditions apply.

For real.

God's honest.

The fucking scream sheet I went on to find this Ripper Doc, guys,

for my modification was in fact Zock Doc.

I did go on Zock Doc

Doc

I'm so sorry listen

listen Zock Doc if you're listening I'm sorry my brothers

my family I've decided to take some time off to reflect on my choices spend some time with my wife and kids

I'm so sorry for everything I've done.

I'm just going to live here in this moment.

We're all in this moment, aren't we?

You've all made us part of this moment.

You've trapped us in this moment like the jaws of

an ant lion.

Yeah, yeah.

I've already done an advertisement, and I'm not going to do your guys' work for you.

Dude, it is not about the work.

I was revved up and ready to go.

ZockTok was listening.

The fucking boss of ZockTalk was like, yes, yes, yes, they're going to do one actually with very good present experience.

This is going to be a good one.

Yeah.

And what sucks is like at this point, he now has realized like he got excited when he was like, wow, a four-minute ad, we're really getting our own money's worth.

Like at this point, he's really like, oh, I hope someone told him.

I hope someone told him.

Zock Doc is a place you go to find medical practitioners for whatever you need in your area.

And then you can find out if they're like in network for you.

And then you can, sometimes you can just book your appointments right fucking there on the app.

I said, I am looking to sterilize, baby.

And Zoctoc was like, here's your guy.

Catch you Tuesday.

Well, it was first I had to do a consultation, but then I, then I did.

Anyway, I found the guy on ZochDoc.

I found most of my medical folks, my team, as I call them, here in DC on Zock Doc, because it's really, really easy.

And if you live in a big city and you struggle to find that, you should do it too.

Zock Doc is is a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors.

Choose the right one for your needs.

Click to instantly book an appointment.

Talking about in-network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health to dental health, eye care to skincare, and much more.

Plus, Zock Doc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking.

You can even score same-day appointments.

Stop putting off those doctors' appointments.

And again, I'm sorry, Zock Doc, if you're listening.

Yeah.

Again, apologies.

And that boss was probably like, well, at least they'll get through the call to action without interruption.

No.

Stop putting off those doctor's appointments.

Go to zocdoc.com slash my brother.

Define and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

That's z-oc-d-oc-c.com slash my brother.

ZocDoc.com slash my brother.

Travis, anything else you want to say?

Yeah, just

again.

I'm so sorry.

Okay.

All right.

We're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Law.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

How about another question?

Please.

My fiancé proposed to me at the local tree farm while we were there picking out a Christmas tree.

He had everything planned and put an incredible amount of effort into making it perfect.

He led me to look at a specific tree he'd already picked out ahead of time that had a scenic background and a sunset behind us.

Of course I said yes, but brothers, how do I tell him?

I hate the tree.

Fuck.

That's from pine proposal pickle in the palouse.

You've already

shit, man.

Can we just lay out sort of a blanket?

This is obviously we've been doing this for a long time.

We have a lot of kind of like best practices when it comes to writing a question to Mabim Bam.

I think

a question you should ask yourself before you submit anything to us is, by sending this question into Du Bois, am I creating or otherwise dramatically extending the paper trail

of this

quandary that I am stuck in?

Because that's true because now we're complicit.

We're complicit.

You have tied

our hands behind our own backs to say anything except, well, he's going to find out.

Yeah.

He'll find out at some point.

And you might have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these darn kids.

And you know, you voluntarily emailed your issue to me.

If you had sent this email in like three weeks ago, like, my boyfriend keeps coming home smelling of pine, and I'm finding like wedding ring receipts everywhere.

I think he's gonna propose to me at a Christmas tree farm in front of a tree, but I want to make sure it's a good tree.

If it's an ugly tree, I don't know what to do, then you would have had options.

Yeah,

I think the bigger question mark for me that I don't know, besides the fact that, like, is there a picture of the tree?

No, no, none was included.

Interesting.

Okay.

So, other than that, um, I would ask uh

Man, I thought I was going to sneeze.

God, I don't you know,

holy shit, man, for real.

I thought you were having an emotional moment.

Like, I thought you were having a tiny heart attack.

I thought I was going to, oh man, no, you just like touched your chest in a way and I was like,

you like licked your lips.

And I was like, is this man about to bust teeth?

I thought you were having a medical, a tiny medical emergency.

But that was just a little sneeze.

For me, the number one question is: is it decorated yet or not?

Because I hate decorating Christmas trees

I'm sorry guys I hate that shit there's a thousand of them and you have to put them all up and then a month later take them all down I hate that shit if I wanted to do this I would clean my house now it's just making a mess and then cleaning it back up later I hate doing that if it's already decorated Fucking who cares?

If it's not decorated, we can have a talk.

We can talk.

Here's what I'll throw out because we have artificial trees.

I'm so close to the camera, Travis, and you've just given the entire show this wild energy.

We We have an artificial tree, and there is always a moment, there's a period of time when tree comes out of box, and you have to start spreading everything out in front.

Where when I start, I'm so committed to like as I spread, it's going to look perfect.

And then I get like a third of the way through, and I'm like, this is one of the hardest ones to explain to the aliens, I think, is fake tree to look like real tree.

And they're like, why would you ever have real tree in-house?

Like, I know, I know, I know.

But I do the same thing.

Because they don't know about the fluffer process you gotta fluff it every year i only ever fluff the bottom third though giving it a sort of flirty farah faucet kind of flick uh at the at the bottom

far faucet flick yeah man i i i also wear work gloves now when i do the fluffing process i learned yeah work gloves and long sleeves are a muffler arms otherwise so fluff it have you not well it's a real tree you can't really it's harder to fluff a real tree huh is there a good side to it

what is there a good side to the tree that maybe if you you displayed that side of it?

Is there a good side of the marriage?

That's the better question.

Is there a good way to spin this whole stinker of a situation of like it's not reflective of the future love we share?

It's funny.

Find the good side, though.

That's a good story to do at like, you know, the wedding reception where you're like, you know, just like Derek, at first I thought this tree was a real garbage heap.

But then I found a way to kind of fix it.

The secret, I think, to a happy marriage that I think is a this is actually a really good time to learn this.

Oh, okay, is yeah, man.

Now, here comes that emotional moment, Greville.

This is it.

This is it

when you feel something that you feel like might make the other person feel pain, uh-huh, or discomfort.

And this is really, I guess, with every reason.

Oh, he's trying, yeah.

You can, you, the trick is, I think, as you get older, you learn the trick is to make yourself not feel that, you know what I mean?

So, if, huh, so if, if in your marriage or friends or whatever it is, if you think, like, if I say this about the tree, it would hurt them.

And you know, that's true.

Right.

I think the secret is to look deep down yourself and change that.

So, as to not make others

any other.

So, you're saying, like, your own needs and wants and like stuff that'll make you happy.

It doesn't always happen.

It's only needs and wants before you change them.

Do you understand that?

Now they're just memories.

Memories.

It's a different guy.

Stuff I liked.

I will say, juices.

And we're recording this, which is awesome because this is an energy you're going to need to channel when we're in the boardrooms of the investors for our matchmaking get married at first sight app.

If you can bring this heat, we're going to be batting 1,000 in a way.

And soon, my brother and me feel different.

You know what I mean?

It's like it's together.

Together.

Feel different together.

It's huge.

Yes.

Yes.

Ivant Munch Squad.

I've never seen the transformation.

Ivantu Munch Squad.

My cape is draped over the side of my chest.

Very velvety.

It is, and I don't remember seeing those band leader buttons.

You sound kind of sick are you okay or apple nets griffin i'm sorry do you have walking pneumonia dracula i mean count donut oh sorry

welcome to munchquad the podcast within the podcast profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating

my name is count donut today i'll be speaking to you about a new offering this is very professional

thank you

we don't normally get this kind of shark tank presentation yeah usually you fly out of the picture.

I'm coming to you.

I feel a little bit out of sorts.

And I'm going to be leaning on you to provide some much-needed context.

For me.

Oh, okay.

I mean, we'll do it.

We can.

I'm going to share a picture because I think it communicates much more quickly.

This Christmas season, but not yet.

This Christmas season, every who down in Hoville will cry out woohoo

because they had Krispy Kremes, no collection, and so could you.

There's a mischievous Grunch who likes

cookies and

that made me laugh so hard

who likes cookies and cream, and Cindy Luhu is a Meriberry dream.

Our fan fave Santa Belly is back and bursting with cream.

Did you see Mary

Claws?

Former judge on Great British Make Off?

Meet Grunchy Claws with sprinkles red and green.

We're getting Friday, November 29th for a limited time at participating Krispy Krem shops.

Wait, before you show the image, Count Dona, can I make a guess?

Two of them will be like really well detailed and themed.

One will be sort of themed and one's like really phoned in.

A color that is typically associated.

Well, how interesting.

Let me summon up a picture of them to see just how far off the mark you could possibly be.

Not at all.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

The answer is exactly.

These shitty donuts made me laugh and then it made my body hurt.

That sucks, dude.

Santa Belli is a red one with a belt across.

There's three glazed just for the fucks of it.

Yeah, yeah.

Just for that.

We all know what that one tastes like, right?

Now,

I do.

I am curious, curious um count doughnut which of these sort of makes you the most kind of um hungry vis-a-vis kind of like consuming well let me i will i will answer your question with a quote

and then more talking it's from dave skinner oh geez who wants to celebrate christmas with krispy cream our merry granchmas doughnuts are guaranteed to make even the grunchiest grinch smile said dave skinner krispy cream Global Chief Brand Officer.

At Krispy Kreme, you're a sweet one, Mr.

Grunch.

So guys, who is this Grinch?

Who is the Grunch?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Who is the Grunch?

Everyone is...

I only know of Santa.

And then there's a man who looks like him, but he's a Grinch.

Yeah.

Okay.

Let's say he's a Grink.

I think he's the...

Grunch.

I don't think there's there's not more than one Grange.

There's just the one.

So I do think you would actually enjoy this character a lot, Count Donut.

He lives in solitude.

I love this.

At the peak of a mountain.

He plays an organ.

So he's old money.

I think.

Trying to find a mountain these days.

It's impossible.

He's old money.

I love this.

He was grandfathered into the mountain.

His parents laid him there in an egg.

He came out.

He's rent controlled.

So, yeah, sort of a rent control.

But he plays the organ and he really resents all of the stupid villagers.

Yeah, the commercialism, really.

The commercialism, but he also just doesn't like the people very much.

He hates Christmas.

He does hate that.

This is my, what does he do?

He

commits grand larceny.

He steals the whole fucking town.

Like, he steals the whole town.

And now, here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Who acknowledges?

This is a great...

This

man sounds like this Grinch.

It sounds like a great criminal.

Well, he's actually pronounced Grinch.

He lies to children.

He creeps in through.

This is right.

Grinch.

Nailed it.

Yeah.

Ginch.

Can you say donkey for me, Count?

Just out of.

Donkey.

Yeah.

That sounded like it was one of those how to pronounce this word videos like on YouTube.

I used to watch those to fall asleep.

Donkey.

So there's a lot.

There's a lot.

I never know which words would be like that.

So the Grinch is written from the point of view.

from the point of view of who apologists who are like, The Grinch don't understand Christmas.

The Who's really do.

He steals stuff from them.

They sing, and he learns the true meaning of Christmas.

But really, the whole problem was their houses were filled with dumb shit that they were giving each other and playing with at Christmas.

And then he kind of reminds them about the real meaning of Christmas.

This story sounds like a mess.

Why does Santa allow him to operate?

Amnesty.

He's trying to turn a blind eye.

The Grinch is a confidential informant, so he gets away with a lot of stuff because he narcs to the cops.

Whoville's also so small that you could fit it on the head of a pin.

And so if Santa Claus tried to intervene in any way, he would absolutely obliterate the entire

world that they live on.

So

if I went to Dave Skinner with Chris McGream and I said, David, why are three of the donuts

He would say, it's like a Grinch joke.

Yeah.

Yes.

Maybe that's what they would tell you.

It's like a hilarious Grinch joke.

So one of the donuts is also, from what I can see, a chocolate donut with kind of Christmas-colored sprinkles.

Two of them are this.

And the 12-pack.

Like, turd of white frosting.

And then it appears just like a plastic Grinch on it.

Probably not plastic, but yeah.

It's probably white, yeah.

Probably prison.

And you're not going to tell me that every time you order one of those Christmas tree donuts, that one of their donut technicians is sitting down to intricately do a curved perfect Christmas tree every time.

That's the job.

I am still curious, Count Donut, if you want to chomp in.

I know you don't like to eat donuts, but one that is a sort of simulation of a man's torso.

No, thank you.

I would, I feel like the Santa Belli full of goo is so sad.

It's so it makes me unpleasant to eat it.

Would you rather eat the head of the Granch?

I barely know this man now.

I can't talk into his.

Wait, do you prefer to eat people that you know well?

I don't wish to eat any people.

I just drink their blood.

If you eat the people, they don't make more blood.

That's beautiful.

That's true.

Yeah.

On December 12th, Krispy Kreme will continue to spread holiday cheer with the return of its annual 12-12 Day of Dozens offering 12th.

12-12 Day of Dozens.

Day of Dozens.

okay i see because it's on 12 days one dollar

original glaze dozen when they purchase and it doesn't regular price there's no way you're making money on that crispy cream no way no unless you're unless they're just selling sugar and butter in which case they're doing okay okay

oh justin you're back hi how's it going well usually there's more fans wow there's some really delicious donuts on my screen here let me click these off because i'm getting too hungry justin say step stool.

Step stool.

Whoa.

It's backwards.

I knew it.

Do you remember when Justin had that electricity accident?

Yeah.

And it switched some of his stuff around backwards.

Yeah.

That's one of them.

Here's the deal.

We normally record longer, but it's December.

Okay.

I got senioritis.

It gets darker earlier these days.

It gets dark early.

That means I have less daylight for podcasting and the show's over.

And every time I laugh,

it hurts downstairs.

And for some reason, I am extremely sweaty, as though I've been wearing a fur-lined cape.

Griffin, I want you to know with that in mind, I've tried to be really not funny this episode, especially.

Crushed it.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

I was really like tamping.

How long ago did you think he got it done?

A couple months ago, right?

It was now about 25 hours and 50 minutes.

Oh, my God.

I got so many goofs stored up.

Next episode, I'm coming in hot and heavy.

So do I.

I got a lot of goofs stored up.

Nice.

I don't think that that's actually how it works.

Again, I went into this whole process filled with nothing but kind of blind faith in my brothers that they were like, you got to get this

hack.

You got to get this mod done.

And I did.

You could watch the Candlelights special if you missed it.

I hope you liked it if you watched it.

But if you missed it, you can go to bit.ly forward slash Candlelights Tickets 2024.

You can still get that VOD through January 4th.

And all proceeds from that show and a merch related to it are going to Harmony House, which works to end homelessness in the Huntington area through permanent housing and supportive service programs.

It's a fantastic organization.

Sydney works there.

We've supported them for a really long time, and they really, really could use your support.

I was literally upstairs before this getting together some winter coats to take over.

It's tough.

So if anything you can do is really, really appreciated.

Bit.ly forward slash candle nights tickets 2024.

Also, wanted to make sure you all know, we're not going to be doing new episodes of Sawbones, Wonderful Schmanners, Adventure Zone, or My Brother, My Brother, and Me December 24th through the 30th, taking that time off for the holidays.

Also, want to let you know, so Champions Grove 2025 packages are on sale now.

Champions Grove is the event that I did last year and it went so well.

We're doing it again.

Get together at Ravenwood Castle in Hawking Hills, Ohio on Memorial.

I went.

It's fun.

Yeah.

Thank you, Justin.

Get some creators together.

We're going to have Jason Charles Miller, Danielle Radford, Katie Osborne, Paul Foxcroft, Tybey Diskin, and Jasper Cartwright.

They're hosting games and doing different activities with everybody.

You can put me on a poster about it if you want.

Oh, maybe.

It's fun.

Got y'all saying.

Yeah.

Try it.

It's fun.

But those packages are available now.

There's only a few left, so don't miss your chance to get them.

Shit, man.

Griffin looks like he's looking at the devil's nudes.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'll wrap up real quick.

Go to championsgrove.com.

No, not so quick.

You're going to make a bust.

Please slow down.

I love

Champions Grove.

And I definitely want people to know we got merch 20% off dice all through the end of the year.

And you got to get that fungalore stuff.

You want 10% of all proceeds going to be donated to Harmony House.

Also, don't forget to

Montane.

Thank you, Montane.

Also, you're so choice.

I just want to say that

I feel like throughout this episode, I've been a little overly loud and aggressive and i think it's because the idea that by making my brother laugh i could also make his nuts hurt has filled me with a sense of power and wonder urgency urgency thank yes urgency travis that's the word of the urgency this is our this episode caps off our fucking corneto trilogy of vasectisodes vasectisodes this is vasectisode number three

complete the fucking trail dude you scared this about new UPC.

You can unlock Vasectisode seven.

New from Lego, Vasectisotes.

Put yours together today.

You'll never capture the Vasecticrystal.

Vasecticon.

No, you're all out.

Our two Vasecticons are the same.

Mix and match with your friends.

He's removing my truck knots.

Stop.

Do the fucking wish.

Okay, Justin, read the wish, Griffin, and I will do the sound bath.

Sorry, I'm looking for it.

I just saw it.

I wish Columbo was in every detective show.

Yes, I'm including Alex.

My name is Justin McEroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

My brother, my brother.

Maybe kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

My life oh

it's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true

It's better, it's better with you

My life

It's better with you

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