MBMBaM 741: Face 2 Face: 50-Way Pasta for Big Kisses

The McElroy brothers are not experts.

And their advice should never be followed.

Old Travis insists he's a sexpert.

There's a degree on his wall.

I haven't seen it.

This is the last show of this tour, and I still have to read the damn thing.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool babies?

One, two, three, four.

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life, I'm better with you.

Hello, and welcome to my brother.

My brother and Maine Advice Show for the Modern Era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

I'm your middlest brother, Travis, big dog wolf wolf McElroy.

Greetings, Trav Nation.

I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30, media luminary.

They can't take it from me, Griffin McElroy.

And we'd like to welcome you, Milwaukee,

to the end of the 20 fungalore tour.

Tonight is a funeral for a friend.

No,

it's not sad.

See, we do a fixed number of them, and eventually one of them is the last one.

And it's not like announcing that is like, and we're actually done right now.

I'm going to leave you saved.

We had 14 seconds of content prepared for you tonight.

So this is the last.

I'm sure you all in Milwaukee have probably heard about it before, but Milwaukee dressing rooms are the greatest dressing rooms on the planet.

Jesus Christ.

You all don't understand.

We've been on the road for a year now.

Not straight.

No.

You really undercut.

You've been on the road for three days.

I know, but you

that was my joke, and you really undercut my hilarious joke very quickly.

Kicked ass, and then you weren't.

Well, this is a collaborative show.

Normally.

In a sense.

So,

Bax Tate,

they have a buck hunting machine.

They have somebody that makes coffee, but there's only eight of us, so they're not very busy.

I was getting dressed in this costume that, man, I'm going to miss so much.

Griffin, has it started to feel like Griffin is the costume and this is the real you?

No, I know what I am and what's happening here.

And

I'm growing increasingly tired of dressing as Nintendo's littlest pervert a few nights a month.

I was getting trained and I came out like, all right, guys, it's showtime.

And I heard Justin shout, hold on, I have to finish killing this Ibex.

And I was like, Jesus Christ.

I've never killed something before I went on stage, especially not one of God's most perfect creatures.

And I'm ready to do the show of my life, guys.

Watching the life bleed from that digital Ibex,

it gave me a high I didn't know I could experience outside of a disco tech.

It's going to make for a new interesting change to our writer.

Yeah, like Justin must kill something before.

Fonzie must extinguish the life of parentheses.

Digital preferred, but not required.

Not required.

So this is the final show.

We have emerged, like our friends, the Chilean miners, back here

in Milwaukee.

We always try to perform within 100 yards of the Fonzi statue.

We like to be able to see it from our dressing room every time we perform in Milwaukee.

We're staying at a different hotel than we usually stay when we come to Milwaukee to do shows.

And when Dav found out, he was like, we're not going to see the font statue.

As though y'all were just going to tear it down and throw it in the river.

You know,

the bronze fonts.

The bronze fonts.

But this is still an advice show.

As it was at its inception, we take your questions and we turn them alchemy-like into wisdom.

And we're going to do that one more time here on the 20 Fungalore Tour Tour

100 times more every live show we do and every recorded show at home.

We'll continue to do that.

We actually just, weirdly, we actually just crossed recently a hundred live shows.

Isn't that wild?

A hundred.

That's wild.

I mean we've been doing it for like 14 years so that's actually not a great yeah

it's not bad

better than most.

I work at a sportswear store next to a stadium and a lot of people stop in to get shirts and jerseys to wear to the game.

the problem is that sometimes they don't wait to change into their new shirts and after i finish a transaction they take their shirts off and change the new one right in front of me how do i get people to use the changing room instead or at the very least get them to leave the register lane before they change clothes that's from the change i don't wish to see in the world are you are you here Hello, so close.

Hi.

Travis would want me to tell you he came up with that name and he's very proud of himself.

I am.

True.

So

this is outrageous.

At the very least, they need to get good at that thing where you put the shirt on over the old shirt and then you kind of do a secret movement.

Shimmy seeing a lot of

nods out there.

Yeah, a secret move.

That shimmy where you're like, how'd you do?

How'd you do that, Lance Burton?

The dressing room is not good because anybody could go back there with a shirt and be like, yeah, it's fine.

I bought it up there earlier.

You didn't see.

I'm just going to change in here and then leave very quickly.

You are absolutely absolutely correct Justin you need to have a changing room right next to the register as you step out of line you finish your purchase you go into a little airlock

between you and the outside world a light lock yeah yeah that's cool maybe it's a situation where they were hoping to sell their old shirt back to you for store credit You should be able to sell your shirt on the spot on consignment.

That's how I do it in Japanese role-playing games where I'm like, new armor, thank you.

Here's my old busted shit.

How much you want?

You're going to give me eight coins?

Sounds good.

I'm never using it again.

I've never thought about what's happening when you're in that inventory screen

for the shop

where you're like, oh, thanks for the new armor.

I got 80 bug meat.

Do you want that?

I'm gonna try that the next time I'm at American Eagle.

And also, this shirt, can you break it down to its material components for me?

I'd like you to take this dirty old Flying J t-shirt and just break it into three cotton.

That seems good?

I won't need any more, but can I actually infuse the button down I just bought?

Let me give you all these sandals I found while I was out in dungeons and whatnot.

Do you want candle holders?

I got 50.

You

I think you could take a page out of Trader Joe's book, and every time anyone does that, you ring a very loud bell.

And if they say, what is it?

Make one of those big, like, town criers.

Hear ye, hear ye.

He's doing it again.

Social norms have been broken.

This is a place where a sign would help.

A sign would help.

A sign would help.

Please don't.

Here's what's going to happen, though, because this is going to be one of those times where you put a sign up that's like, don't take your shirt off here in front of the register.

And we were like, does that happen?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So my.

The wording of it is so difficult because you can't just be like, don't get partially nude here, please.

yeah just change on your own time i mean it is it does beg the question like

do you want them to do it out in the street that's that's clearly worse for that person right you know that's a fucking great question where are they gonna change into their new cool dress this is a shirt changing store it is kind of testing the bounds of the no shirt no shoes policy when you're like what about just for a second But the transaction is done.

The service has been rendered.

I'm going to do what the fuck I want.

There should be a big light switch next to the resident that just blacks out the entire store for a second.

Like, you need to change?

You got 10 seconds.

Oh, what if you paid a magician to come out and lift up one of those fabric rings?

It's like, wait.

Yeah.

It's the shirt I just bought.

Oh, shit, it's a tiger.

Fuck, get out.

You could upcharge for that at checkout.

Like, as long as I've got you, do you want to sign up for our email list?

I didn't think so.

And for $10, you can do a magician's change right here in the store.

It's like, and a red light goes on in the back.

It's like, ah, fuck.

All right.

Hold on.

I'm coming.

It's hard, I bet, finding jobs as magicians now.

We should start employing them in our nation's retail clothing outlets.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It might get me out to brick and mortar if I knew a magician.

I see way too many of you nodding like, yeah, I've thought about this.

Sorry,

I didn't follow that sentence.

Did you say there needs to be more brick and mortar magicians out there?

That's what I'm saying.

More magicians in brick and mortar stores.

We

lost mom and pop magicians in this country.

Yeah.

Too many magicians on TikTok and YouTube.

Whatever happened, you had your general store,

you had your post office, you had your magician.

Yeah, it was all right there.

Mom and pop and magic and prestigitation.

That was a small town that I grew up in.

Yeah.

Ledger Maine around every corner.

Could you set up an outdoor pop-up tent where you would sell clothes to people who like specifically have had a hundred light beers to drink that afternoon.

You can come in and be like, you're not going to change your shirt in the right place.

We understand that.

We made a safe store just for you.

We got one of those old-timey beach tents that people used to change into their bathing costumes in.

Yeah.

That's right here just a big yellow and white striped canvas deal.

It's more of a cool-down tent.

Like we have chairs that are comfortable in front of full-length mirrors so you can really ponder the inner self while you sober up.

But also if you want some merch, some good sports gear and yeah all the sports team names are misspelled on the shirts it's the best we can get you don't care if we do the right names we have to pay extra yeah man

sometimes if i get off work early my walk and commute home from work goes through an area that children leaving school are also walking because of this there are volunteer crossing guards with the vests and the stop signs assisting children crossing last week i went home early and when i came to a street crossing with a crossing guard and waited for them to tell me what i can do they looked at me like i was stupid because i'm an adult and I don't need help crossing the street.

Brothers, what do adults do when walking up to a volunteer crossing guard for children?

That's that's from what

that's from wildly wavering in the Windy City.

Are you here?

Hi.

Hi, hello.

Hey, why you weren't asking here?

You didn't do anything wrong.

No, you're fine.

I think the problem is that often the best time to cross the street is going to be when the little kid says you could do that.

I don't know if it's a little kid in your case.

In my school, the safety patrol was little kids with bamboo staffs and one orange.

When you did have bamboos, full ass bamboo staffs

trained to fight with them, obviously.

We had white belts and bamboo staffs with one flag on them, one orange flag.

I got fired from the safety patrol.

So

I asked too many questions.

God, I wish that was a joke.

So, like, your authority is already pretty tenuous because you are the same height as your clientele.

And I think an adult just kind of blowing past you really doesn't help that at all.

This is what I'm saying is like the other option besides like deferring to their expertise is to completely ignore them and go when you feel like it, which is way worse than you do to another human being.

It's not your fault that the safest time to cross the street may be when they say.

I mean, that's just going to line up sometimes and you do have to wait to cross with the little kids.

This is the problem, Justin.

What you really did there was highlight for them that their job is to point out that the light has changed and it's cool to go.

It's like their job.

And the second you're like, let me know when the lights change, they're like, I get it.

I don't need me.

As a driver, I do enjoy, though, when the crossing guard is like, do not worry about this stop sign.

You are so fucking cool.

Just cruise on by.

And I always give a little tip of the cab like, ooh, that's two and a half seconds saved on my commute.

Thank you, sir.

Wait, hold on.

The crossing guard says, don't stop here?

The crossing guard will, as I said, that's not their job.

They overrule.

Okay, crossing guards in real cities sometimes will overrule the traffic lights because they got to start running something.

You look at the person face.

They don't have that authority.

They do, I assume.

If you got pulled over.

Hold on.

If you got pulled over for running a stop sign and said, it's cool, the guy in the neon green vest said I could.

Yeah,

are you telling me that you have situations where you arrive at an intersection and the crossing guard is like, come on, and you're like, ha ha ha, no,

I think I know best.

I assume

his brother-in-law, the cop, is 10 feet farther down the road.

Damn, that does.

And they're like working together.

That does sound like cop shrinks.

I'm not checking that crossing guard's papers to make sure he is an actual crossing guard.

So flip side, if the guy says stop and the light changes green, you're like, nah, sorry, pal.

You move.

No, you move.

I'm in a cross.

You're going right out into it.

The light sounds green.

So

I have had crossing guards, and I respect this immensely, where they will stare me down as they're holding a sign to let kids cross as if I was going to go, fuck those those kids.

I was like, yeah, I also know I have had that.

I have had that when the car, you're the first car and the and the crossing guard kid looks at you like not so fast and like chill out.

Yeah, okay.

Oh man, I got one of those the day before we came out on tour.

I stopped at a stop side, a kid crossed and went, I was fully zero miles an hour.

Like, yeah, fuck that dude.

Dude, I get it, dude.

Yeah.

I don't need an expert here in a little sash to tell me not to hit kids with my car.

Thank you.

I wasn't gonna.

I wasn't gonna.

I wanna munch.

I want to munch.

Welcome to Munch Squad to the podcast within a podcast

profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating.

Today I've got an exciting bit of news for you.

Two pieces of news.

Two small stories.

A couple much quicker.

They're changing hamburgers.

It's meat, bread, meat now.

No.

No.

KFC already did that, I'm sure.

Scooters Coffee releases menu lineup inspired by Candyland game.

What?

I love Candyland cake.

All right, that's holiday season.

All the gang.

Let's meet the gang in these Candyland-inspired inspired games paul let's go the first one first up is the mr mint mocha Okay, your adventure to the candy castle is going to begin when you scoot on around to one of our 825 scooters coffee locations in 30 states nationwide.

New menu items are available that bring together the sweet adventure of Candyland with new and returning holiday favorites.

First up, the Mr.

Mint Mocha.

Hey, can I just say

Mr.

Mint?

Yeah.

I've never thought about this before.

Whatever he's gesturing to is a trap.

Oh.

Don't because you're going to reach for it or walk through, and he's like, I'll cut you in half.

I think he's saying.

What are you doing?

I think he's saying, stand here if you want the best possible angle on my eight wonderful testicles.

My eight enormous.

My two, what I call my four testicles, the front, they form a sort of butt, which is exciting for everyone.

My axe is made of my legs.

My blade is leg meat.

Next up,

yeah, he's got a mint hot chocolate and a mint mocha.

But this one's a mystery.

You can't see what's in that one.

Okay.

So did they not have like transparent PDF or PNG art of Queen Frost?

Queen Frostine has a sugar cookie latte and Queen Frostine has a couple.

And then let's see the last character trying to meet Paul.

It's Graham.

It's a, let's see, that's a

Jolly Grumdrop.

Look at that, cutie patuti.

Who doesn't want want to eat that?

Paul, go back, come back, come back.

Because what I want to talk about here, I cannot imagine a texture combination worse than having a drink with gum drums and shit.

They're at the bottom.

They're at the bottom.

At the end, it's like, oh, there's no, it's like they said, hey, you know how Boba T is popular?

Now imagine they can't pass through a straw and might kill you.

These are nobody.

Do not

pass go.

Hey, is there another character?

Yeah.

That's King Candy.

They got a candy.

Can you say something about testicles?

So that's

a cake bite infusing white cake with fizzy popping candy and coating each bite with white candy.

He has six external testicles and a chest bristling with little breasts.

This is my breastplate.

That fucking rules.

I can think of like 12 different parades this guy could lead as the marshal.

Only two of them are illegal.

Yes.

And Paul, I think it's finally time to meet her, Grandma Nut.

So this lady's name is Grandma Nutt.

Did you know that?

It's Grandma Nut latte.

A warm and comforting creation featuring cinnamon, brown sugar, and hazelnut.

That's Grandma Nutt.

It's a real shame Grandma Nut lost her neck in the war.

Yeah.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Grandma.

Grandma who?

Whoa, Grandma Nut.

Grandma Nut.

Is this from the Candyland?

Yeah, I just asked Paul to get a bunch of pictures of Grandma Nut

so I can talk about Grandma Nut.

Is that a scarecrow made of popcorn in the back, contemplating its very existence?

Just don't look at Grandma Nut for Christ's sake.

If you meet her eye line, she's going to talk about all of her nuts, and she won't stop.

That's a lot, Grandma Nut.

Her name's really great.

Here she's got full pockets full of nuts.

Two big pockets of nuts.

Two big sacks.

And a dog you can put things in.

That sucks.

That dog is really troubling.

How come some of them is food, and this is a woman with a basket dog?

Okay.

Some of them are food.

That's an inanimate dog bass cat.

Yeah.

Basket ain't food or people.

Okay.

Just hear those sleigh bells ringling, ring, ting, tingling.

Yes, that's right, folks.

It's holiday time.

This is the Candyland drinks.

It doesn't matter.

Salt and Straw is launching an ice cream lineup inspired by upcoming holiday movie Red One.

This looks like artificial intelligence made it.

Is this a real fucking flick?

This is a movie that every time I'm reminded it exists, I realize I've completely forgotten it exists until the next time.

It's the shittiest golden compass adaptation.

This is a movie that, judging by the trailers, a lot of people think that a lot of the movies I like mean I'll like this, and they have been wrong every single time so far.

They have not been right yet.

This is a movie where Dwayne The Rock Johnson and Chris Evans star in Red One.

None of those people were in the same place when that picture was.

No fucking last time.

Especially that polar bear.

We've got, it's about, it's, I don't know, it's about, so.

The important thing is that Duanta Claus is back for, I think, the fifth year with some new creations with Salt and Straw.

They're all all inspired by this movie.

They've got a naughty and nice ice cream cake with a little tiny picture of Duanta Claus on it, which I think is so cute.

Can we enhance the Duanta Claus image at all?

Because it doesn't.

Enhance.

I'm drunk.

Oh, shit, man.

My cake?

I'm Duanta.

Are we, is Duanta, are we sure that's the best we can do without?

We can get pictures of him.

He's real.

We we could get a picture of the rock and i would even prefer dwayne to i think like get the full yeah right

oh i thought you meant the image

well no the image is also wild yeah it's it looks like if twain the rock johnson was a santa claus neopet for some

so the thing that i like about duanta claus is that duanta claus is not exclusive to any one brand duanta claus can be used to market like his line of energy drinks and they have holiday flavors awesome any sort of holiday offering can be marketed to you by Duanta Claus, who is like his Coca-Cola Santa who comes just out at holidays.

Right.

And for like November to December, he's Duanta Claus.

Don't even call for Dwayne.

He's not around.

So this cake is naughty and nice.

Each has a unique and indulgent combination of perfectly constructed flavors.

No one does naughty like our Finn Duanta.

No one, what?

Hold on.

What?

That's something like your drunk aunt says in a party.

And And you're like, wait, no, no, no, no.

Cheryl, go back.

Go back.

What'd you say?

No one does naughty like our friend Duenta.

Okay.

So who better to help us dream up seven layers of devilish decadence in our first ever handcrafted ice cream cake?

As if a sweet, sinful nightcap collated with our favorite peanut butter cup candy, wink.

What?

Does it really wink?

No, it's just, that's me.

It's Reese's.

And anyway, Dwayne has two different cakes for you.

Duenta.

Thank you.

Or Column Drift, as he's literally called in the movie.

No, no.

So you can get...

Salt and Straw is also doing some ice creams.

They've got the Commander of the ELF PB Chocolate Krinkle, which is a hearty tribute to Callum Drift's power-packed meals.

Cool, man.

Yeah, I love this guy, for sure.

Yeah, he's like a character I know about.

I would love to eat an ice cream about him.

When I saw the Christmas Red One movie and saw Rock in it, I thought I'd love eating an ice cream about him.

It's the North Pole's ultimate indulgence for strength and cheer.

Holy shit.

Cool.

Sure.

This also, though, could be like a promo image saying, like, what do you mean you don't say Merry Christmas?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's

very threatening in that way.

It's a Christmas buddy comedy starring Dwayne Johnson and Kirk.

Fuck, I can't.

Cameron.

Cameron.

Shit, it would have been better if I could remember his goddamn last name

Santa Santa has a flavor too.

It's red

Santa has a flavor

of ice cream show Chris Evans that dork doesn't have a flavor Jack

Jack O'Malley.

I doubt it next

Yeah, so Santa has a flavor and an aroma I'd imagine capturing the essence of Santa's favorite cookie platter how come from like every time they do a like a real life Santa now for like the last 10 years he's kind of dingy

Dingy and fucking built.

Yeah, man, he's swole.

He's got

an eggnon custard swirled through his ice cream.

And lastly, there's Krampus's mince pie with pecan crust.

This is inspired by the spirited mischief of Krampus Nacht.

That's not really from the movie.

You made that up.

This flavor recreates a classic mince meat pie with a twist.

The twist is.

It's human meat.

It's humans.

It's got the unmistakable warmth of the holiday holiday spices.

You can get these naughty and nice ice cream cakes available for a limited time at salt and straw locations.

Appetizing appetite.

Now the nice one looks like wood chips, and the top one looks like chocolate cookies and stuff.

Well, they're all available for you in store now.

That's your munch squad for this week.

Thank you for your attention.

I am helping a friend.

Okay.

You ready?

I'm helping a friend.

Give me a second.

Yes, please.

I'm helping a friend organize a celebration of life after their distant relative passed away.

It's pretty fucking funny so far.

They have asked me to provide a pasta dish for an event that could have anywhere between five and 50 people attending.

I did not know their relative and have never talked to my friend about pasta preferences.

Brothers, what is the best pasta to bring to a celebration of life?

And that's from pasta.

That's from pasta Pasta Problems.

Are you here?

Okay, hi.

So I do want to say, pursuant to your question, I do think it's the most important thing.

Aside from the pasta choice, and aside from the fact that it is for a celebration of life, which is in and of itself pretty wild, what

on earth?

could make it so that they don't know

if five people will come to this funeral

or 50.

We are talking about completely different venue requirements at that point.

For starters and like what happened in your life that maybe some people know about but a lot of people might know about and they're not gonna come but maybe it didn't get out and maybe not as many people know as I think know and we'll get like 20.

But if everybody knows, there might be five.

I would think with a wake with 50 people would be catered so i would imagine this is going to land closer to the smaller end immediate gut reaction one of the spirally fun ones i don't think you can go full blood one long continuous strand of spaghetti

because

love binds us all together yeah it is like one long continuous strand of spaghetti it extrudes directly into a pot and there's nine minutes of pasta inside the pot it's being drawn out the other end

through an unextruder, being drawn onto a plate.

There's snip where they have the amount you can make basically

infinite.

Well, okay, but we have to.

Here's what you do.

You lay out all the pasta, and depending on how many people are going to be there, there will be more spokes to the wheel.

Everybody start eating at the same time.

One big kiss in the middle.

Okay, hold on.

So hold on, hold on.

No, no, no.

Travis has just invented.

Okay, I didn't know this was an option.

Travis's answer is basically you invent a new pasta shape.

It has a central

imaginary rock hard nucleus.

Other podcasts have done it.

Yes.

Yes.

But now we are taking our podcast.

There's a central rock hard nucleus on this pasta.

In addition.

And then five to 50

strands of pasta coming off of it.

Everyone slurps at the same time to meet in the middle of a fucking podacious, so sexy, so sexual, 50-way kiss.

You're going to see some people eating slower or faster than others, and you're going to have to be like coaching as you go.

I slide down, slide out.

Well, no, you you can't talk.

So be like.

And

I think what we're going to need is some vats of sauce that you can pivot around to and could sort of like dip it in.

Like let it drop, let it kind of droop.

Let the slack.

The slack come up through the sauce ravine.

Maybe some kind of attachment where the sauce is just right.

Sorry, I have to talk at the microphone.

The sauce is right in front of your mouth.

So as you eat it.

That would be better.

To have a boat of sauce

here like you.

The sauce is getting coated as you go.

Or you don't even have to coat it, Trav.

If you just take take one lick of the sauce as you go, you combine it in your mouth for the primo pasta experience.

Maybe start with a mouthful of sauce to begin with.

That's pasta, baby.

After this arcane ritual has completed, the ghost of the loved one appears and is like, ah, yes, that's just what I wanted.

How did you know, Derek's friend, that I was a massive pasta bird?

In accordance with my detailed specification.

Show me the talented chef that could craft this grand pasta design.

That's what it is.

It's going to start with 50, and you're cutting it down to five of who can make it to the end of the pasta fastest.

And the first five get five equal portions of their billions of dollars, I assume.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

I don't even want to do any more for this question.

That's a kick-ass idea.

Novelty 50-way pasta for big kisses.

Hi, we're the McGroy brothers, and we'd like to introduce you to sharks.

Sharks will make this quick.

We got 50-way pasta for a big old kiss at a weekly.

They say no, Griffin.

They're saying no.

That was quick.

Thanks, Sharks.

I appreciate it.

It's as far as they let us get.

A few years ago, I inherited a potion stamp collection from an estranged uncle.

The collection is massive, taking up about a third.

That's weird, by the way.

I just did...

I didn't realize this when I read the question initially, but it is kind of weird that your uncle's like, no, I'm not going to call them, but they can have my stamps when I die.

That's usually the beginning of an intense mystery.

Yeah.

The collection is.

They murdered your uncle.

The collection is massive, taking up about a third of the spare room in which they're currently stored.

After speaking with multiple collectible dealers, I have learned that in 2024, these stamps are basically worthless.

No one will buy them, and they're only worth their postage value if that.

They're just taking up space in my house at this point.

Brothers, what should I do with several thousand stamps?

That's from Perplexed by Postage in Pleasant Prairie.

Are you here?

Hello.

You say it's strange.

Is it possible that he didn't like you?

Travis?

Hey!

Did you go to his house one time and you were like, why are you storing all of these stamps in their own individual six by six inch boxes that would occupy one-third of a whole room of a house?

Stamps are so small.

I have to imagine as a stamp collector, one of the premium benefits is that the thing you're collecting is so fucking small.

How's it taking up a third of a room?

I think that you should burn these.

Now, listen, I have a good rationale for this.

Do you want to hear it?

Okay.

You're all complicit now in male crime.

The stamps don't have feelings.

The stamps don't give a shit.

You wasted so many of your fucking life minutes figuring out if these are worth a goddamn cent.

And the answer is no.

And if you store these fucking anywhere,

eventually a descendant of yours is going to come and do the same goddamn rigamarole again.

Just burn the fucking stamps, dude.

Or.

No.

No.

They had their fun.

They collected them.

It was fun for them.

That's collections, baby.

It was fun.

I also have an unless.

So do your unless.

Okay, unless.

They're worthless.

It's because there's a lot of these other bad boys floating around.

You need to burn those stamps.

That's good.

Okay.

Yeah, you're going on a nationwide hunt, maybe worldwide, to find all those stamps that match these.

Now this is crime.

Now this is criminal.

Unless.

Wait, who are...

For clarity's sake, are you unlessing me or Travis?

I'm unlessing originally you.

Travis's idea is fucking ironclad.

No, that's what I'm ever.

Okay, so that's like one that's like, that one's done and salt.

Okay.

That's like one bulletproof.

Let's see.

Nationwide tiny arson street.

So unless.

Unless.

You park these bad boys in a storage unit, which you do not pay the second month's fee of, and you let it go delinquent.

And then you sit and you tune in to fucking discovery, and you wait, and you watch.

You see fucking yup, and you're like, nope, motherfucker.

I know the answer to this storage unit.

It's a bunch of shitty stamps, idiot.

And then one of the collectors who said it was worthless shows up and goes, yeah, actually, if that's worth a lot of money, I'll take it.

You're like, the long con.

Yeah.

Dave and that guy were working together.

That's what you got to watch out for.

Stamps are, stamps do cost money to send them, which seems so strange to me because we advertise for a place that is like all about streamlining that entire industry.

But it's like, how much is stamps now?

Like 50?

74 cents?

74 cents.

Hold on.

Let me.

Don't search for it.

It's not funny.

You should be able.

You should be able to mail a stamp collection for free.

No postage on it, right?

No problem.

Okay, there's postage inside.

Oh, I didn't put a stamp on it, you say?

It's 73 cents on average times, what, 3,000 stamps?

Does that sound like a good one?

Well, they're not new stamps in the collection.

This isn't thousands of stamps they went and bought today.

No, no, no, no.

You misunderstand.

These stamps are worth exactly 73 cents.

If there's 3,000 of them, that's $2,100 online.

I guess they're forever stamps, but go on.

Okay.

I'm saying you run your own tiny, independent post office outside of your house.

A lot of my, I apologize, a lot of my solutions today are pop-up shops, but this is like you post up.

I think you could even do it in front of the post office and be like, for 72 cents.

I can give you this old one that's already been used.

I think.

I don't know how stamp collecting works.

No, it's got to be sticky.

You can't, it's got to be sticky, untouched.

It just occurred to me, but there's definitely people who have gone and bought thousands and thousands of forever stamps, and they're like, in 50 years, yeah, of course, man.

It's got to be worth an investment thing, right?

Of course, yeah.

For, yeah, absolutely.

Uh, I bought, you know, I got a storage unit recently, and

I hope I end up on storage someday.

But not you,

you're not in the storage unit, John.

No, no, no, but like my storage unit, I would love to have like Daryl or one of the gang be like, today I'm talking to my book expert friend about how much I can expect for these 200 copies of Everybody Has a Podcast except for you.

Leslie worthless?

I owe you money for looking at them?

Wow.

Can you dispose of them for a reasonable.

No?

They're toxic?

What?

To burn?

Yeah.

Wow.

Hey.

But go get yours available at any store I see today.

Start your search at the bargain table and then work back from there.

It'll be in a section that is labeled books that came out like five years too late.

I'm narrow casting to the two other people.

That's in our hubra section.

To be fair, it was our fault because no one was making podcasts during the pandemic.

Oh, no, wait.

We can time it perfectly, actually.

Fuck.

No excuse.

Quality of the pros, they say.

We have to move on.

I grew up skateboarding and I've taken it up again as an adult.

The problem is I'm very short, just shy five feet tall.

So when people see me skating around, they often mistake me for a child.

Gets super awkward when it's another adult that starts talking to me like I'm a child, and I have to break the news that I'm, in fact, 31 years old.

Brothers, when I'm out skateboarding, how do I say to the world that I'm a grown adult with a mortgage?

You're not 13 years old.

And that's from Really Short King and Racine.

Are you here?

Hi.

Yes.

When an adult talks to you like you're a child, I can't imagine seeing

what I think is a child skateboarding and being like, I'm going to engage.

Yeah, that's also wild.

Although there are, I get TikTok sometimes of a kid beefing it on a half pipe, and then some young Tony Hawk looking guy skates over, like, you gotta put your balance on the back foot.

When you lean forward, give it everything you got.

You gotta believe in everything you can do.

You can do it.

Believe in yourself.

And then they do it, and everyone's like, yeah.

And they're like crying.

They're like, thank you, young Tony Hawk.

And I wish so bad someone would do that for me.

Yeah.

He's like, believe in you that much.

In skateboarding?

In everything, I guess.

Yeah.

And I can think of some stuff.

I can use like a young Tony Hawk.

or tony hawk i that would be good too obviously i was just thinking about like my worry would be that if somebody started treating me like a 13 year old i might just sort of roll with him vibe on it yeah so like yeah man yeah totally so like what should i do

so as long as you're a grown-up um

what's going on man what should i do different okay

You could carry a copy of your mortgage around with you everywhere you go.

In a briefcase.

In a briefcase.

What are TV shows that only adults like?

Crime scene kitchen.

Well,

only like a few adults like that, I think.

Yeah, but I think it's mostly you and Sydney.

But no kids.

Only murders in the building?

No kids are watching that.

If you wore your only murders in the building t-shirt, I guarantee you, no one is going to mistake you for a 13-year-old.

Just as you're skateboarding, like mutter about how difficult it is to get things for like insurance to pay for yeah like as you're skating be like and i gotta get a new roof um you could signal it the way i signal it and when you fall just lay there for five minutes like god damn it ah ah it hurts they're not getting up yeah don't go if they were a kid they'd have spry bones yeah they have a bounce up by now that's a grown-up you could tell by the writhing yeah they've been there they've been there for seven full minutes

Yeah, they're laying there muttering about how no one's going to have any sympathy for them for the next

ages.

Have you tried skateboarding so fucking good that no one will even say shit to you at all?

That's so cool, dude.

You got to take your knocks on the park and on the vert ramp because

that's how you get there.

You think Tony Hawk didn't have people confusing him for a child all the time?

Yeah.

Probably not.

He's enormous.

He's always been like six foot eight.

He's a huge man.

Huge.

What the hell?

Sorry, this is weird.

There's not normally a Munch Squad and a Haunted Doll Watch in the same episode.

I would say it's literally never happened, and you're pulling out all the stops for the final live show of the 20 Fungalore tour.

And Justin, I'm just going to go ahead and take the segment.

I definitely put a lot of work into preparing and throw that away.

Wow, Trav.

No, you know what?

Do it now.

No, Justin, I don't do it now.

No, Trav.

No, Trav.

Go ahead and do put the work in.

All right, we're going to do a live sad live.

No, we're not.

Go ahead, Juice.

All right.

Haunted Doll Truman.

Huh.

You're purchasing.

What?

Oh, God.

It's okay.

I need you to trust me right now.

You're my brother, and I do trust you.

I know you're scared, and you should be scared because it's your show, but you're scared.

Trust me.

Thank you, Fair.

Okay.

This is,

all right, meet Truman.

Ever since I brought Truman in, I didn't feel a child with him.

What?

Are you kidding?

Because Truman's holding a picture of a child.

We'll get there.

Did you read the full title of Truman?

Yeah, meet Truman.

Haunted doll Truman's stuffed animal grandfather.

Okay.

Okay.

Haunted Doll Truman.

Meet Truman.

Ever since I brought Truman in, I didn't feel a child with him.

The seller I got him from had him advertised as a child.

I hate that.

I just felt I needed him to find out what was really going on.

Truman is actually the grandfather of this young child.

Okay.

Huh.

How?

Okay.

Huh.

Okay.

Her dad was sick.

Okay.

Apparently, before the baby was born, the child's mother had a fight with her family.

Her dad was sick with emphysema and expected to live not long.

And his dying wish was to meet the child.

It ended up his daughter and his wife couldn't come to an agreement for her to be able to visit her father.

He just says that he will never forgive his wife for not letting the family come together knowing he was so sick.

He clipped onto this photo so that he could be the grandpa that he wanted to be if he would have survived.

Now, stop.

Now, hold on.

Hold on.

Talk about everything you just said.

Every part of it is wild.

So you're telling me, yes, canonically.

Uh-huh.

This grandfather died.

Within the canon, yes.

Before his

far in fiction, you were right.

Went into that stuffed animal.

Yeah.

Correct.

And then the rest of the family was like well time to get rid of grandpa we'll leave this picture of the child with him though i thought it was that grandpa hadn't yet died wanted to visit the kid the mom and wife wouldn't let him so he was like guess i'll die and hopped into this uh beanie baby then what i'm saying is either way they got rid of grandpa in the doll and sent a picture of their baby with him.

Yeah, yeah.

So they had to know grandpa was in the doll.

And now he's on fucking eBay, which is like the saddest part of all.

That someone's grandpapy.

He fought in one of the world wars.

By the way, his message, if you're curious, was to try to honor a person's last wish before they pass because the grief followed him to his death.

Ah, bummer.

Truman likes hard tacks and coffee once in a while.

Wait, hard tacks?

Hard tack, like Civil War bread, I guess?

He hates scurvy.

All right, next up, let's meet a pair of gents.

Thank you, Paul.

Paul had so many.

Let's meet Hannah Dahl, Luke, and Joseph, best friends.

Two for one.

Oh, yeah, I like them.

Oh, I like their vibe a lot.

Yeah, these guys fucking kick ass, dude.

Can I just say, Seashell Blessings here, the seller, 560 ratings.

100% blows up.

I mean, look at this shit, Trav.

It's undeniable.

This is their second seashell blessings.

We're celebrating them this time.

Meet Luke, palm tree, and Joseph.

So Luke's by the palm tree.

Joseph is standing.

Yeah,

I cracked the cipher juice.

Yeah.

The pair were best friends from early childhood all the way through high school.

I found these guys we were on vacation, and they are definitely something else.

I actually heard a man whistle as I walked away from them, and I turned back around, and no one was there.

It was the weirdest thing.

I felt compelled to purchase them, even though it was more than I wanted to spend.

These guys are awesome.

They are definitely from the 60s.

Wait, just to jump back.

They heard a man whistle, but there was no one there.

And then they bought them from somewhere.

Yeah,

once I brought them home, I gave them an offering of whiskey, and boy, they were lighting up like crazy.

What's that look like?

There has been a lot of experiences that I've had just since having them.

They basically just like being teenage guys.

That one's vaping.

Look.

That is a fucking vape rig, Travis.

You are 100% right.

It's a big one.

It's a big one, but I've seen some big ones.

So, but if they're in the 60s, what were they kicking around in until vapes were invented?

Just like super quick, I want to mention that Lucas mentioned he was trying to save a child when he got caught in a riptide and got sucked in.

And then Joseph realized his best friend's in trouble and he obviously went to help.

So they died.

But these two are really a funny pair and I've enjoyed them.

Even if it was for a short time, they communicate with all forms of divination.

I love these two guys.

Again, I have to question the nature of premeditated doll becoming of did they have a question like a conversation at some point like hey dude I had a great idea we're best friends what if we died and became like Redondo Beach boardwalk tchotchkes forever?

I also love the idea that when I die, my ghost might suddenly become good at divination.

Like, can you imagine getting a ghost and like, help me with divination?

Like, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

I don't know how to do that.

We got one more to meet.

Juice, I can't even read all these words in sequence, dude.

Okay, so it doesn't matter.

Let's just meet the doll.

It's negative haunted doll, predators.

He knows what he did

He knows exactly what he did

He looks very contrite to be fair.

I I genuinely almost fell backwards in my I had to catch Travis's chair to catch myself don't hey Paul don't go to the last picture yet this is hat a brush Yeah, his hat's a brush.

This vessel is the home of the human spirit Tony His energy is negative and he has sexual predatory behavior.

He enjoys the company of women and will gladly communicate with a woman via definition

Tony's spirit has entered my dreams and caused disturbing sexual dreams.

His spirit also tends to explore on your body.

There have been nights where I can hear him breathing heavy next to my bed.

Be wary of welcoming Tony into your home.

Tony doesn't do well with other spirits, though he's left my pets alone.

I would be cautious of welcoming him into a home with men.

Tony, Tony.

Let hey, let folks, we are going to take a break, and I would like you to go use the bathroom and buy posters before I show show you this.

Posters by Sydney Dean.

And here's the, I just want to go on this final picture of Tony, who's still available for sale, and then we're going to go.

Okay, everybody, have a good intermission.

Go ahead, pull.

Tony, is that what you did?

We'll be right back.

You know what you did, Tony?

Is that all you do?

It's that all you do.

Hello, I was drinking some Gatorade sport fuel.

I understand.

And can I tell you, maybe that's the reason I'm looking at you right now.

Your aura is off the charts.

Thank you.

I've been doing a sort of energy cleanse juice situation where

I look at pictures of my loved ones for eight hours a day, and I'm drinking this crazy, crazy juice.

I'm just shitting my brains out.

Hey, can I just say I'm glad that you're taking the time to look at pictures of your loved ones?

Eight hours a day as both your brother and co-like worker on a lot of projects that's very troubling well the aura frames makes it so easy to look at beautiful pictures of your family and your loved ones yeah but for eight hours sure sure

yeah i mean that's why aura frames is the best gift you can give someone this time of year is because aura frames is a beautiful digital picture frame that you can upload unlimited photos and videos directly from your phone right to the frame it's great for you if you want an eight-hour cleanse well okay see that's where it shifts because I like the part where it's easy to upload the photos and get all your photos and stuff on there.

I think that the part that's kind of tripping me up is where you sit, I assume, in like silence by yourself.

Yes, yeah.

No, it's a it's not a group meditation situation.

So to appreciate your family more, you remove yourself from their presence for eight hours a day to stare at pictures of them?

Yes, they get it.

And grandma and grandpa don't know how anything works.

And so these digital frames, you can upload the pictures to them for them.

And then all of a sudden, they won't be taking screenshots of Facebook with their phone and then posting that on Facebook.

Also, you just have Aura Frames there ready to give them what they need.

I have an Aura Frame.

I love it.

We've given it as a Christmas present to many, many folks.

And if you're struggling to figure out what to get that special someone, save on the perfect gift by going to auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best-selling Carver map frames by using promo code MyBrother at checkout.

That's A-U-R-AFrames.com.

Promo code MyBrother.

This deal is exclusive to our listeners.

So get yours now in time for the holidays.

Terms and conditions apply.

You know what I do for eight hours a day, Griffin?

What's that?

Don't say crank.

No, God, not for eight hours?

Okay, I don't know.

Oh my God, the chafing.

No, I just, I just peruse the internet.

That's actually probably true and real.

And I'm thinking that at this point, the internet has given me so much, Griffin.

It's been such a force for good in my life with no downsides.

Sure.

And now I think it's time for me to give back.

Yeah.

And maybe like create stuff to put on the internet and finally start putting some content out there.

But I have no idea how to do it.

What have we been doing?

What are we doing?

What are we doing right now?

Well, this is just two brothers talking.

Usually it's three brothers talking

for our own enjoyment.

We should start doing something with this, though.

This bit is confusing to me, and I don't know how to contribute to it.

So, I'm going to go ahead and say the word Squarespace out loud.

Oh, that's a great idea.

I'm going to say the word Squarespace out loud so that technically, according to the documents we signed, this one counts as an advertisement.

By the Geneva Advertising Convention, this is now an advertisement.

I didn't know where to put any of this content.

We have hundreds and hundreds of hours of recorded stuff, and we've never known what to do with it.

Yeah.

And now we can use Squarespace, was it you said?

So, yeah, we usually upload these audio files to a Riz

and then people grab the Riz where they want it and then they just skippity all over the place.

Am I saying that right?

You're saying it right, but it's wrong to have said it.

Oh, okay.

So Squarespace lets you design beautiful websites, engage with your audience, sell anything from products to content to your time, all in one place, all in your terms.

It's so easy to make a website that looks like you know what the fuck you're doing with Squarespace.

They've got all kinds of tools and just industry-leading design expertise ready to help you build a sophisticated web portal tailored to your UK needs.

A portal?

A portal, and you can climb in the screen.

No, you can't, but it's not.

Don't do that.

Even if you could, don't do that.

Don't do that.

That's how the lawnmower man gets you.

Squarespace payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place.

You can hook it up to whatever payment options you want, like, you know, Apple Pay or card, whatever.

your friend Derek who will go and collect the money for you I don't know if Squarespace payments will get Derek but okay maybe next year most other stuff they can do go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch go to squarespace.com slash my brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain and as long as we're plugging things right now

packages are on sale for Champions Grove, the immersive tabletop gaming event that is now my second year organizing and planning and everything.

It's going to be at Ravenwood Castle in Hawking Hills, Ohio.

We had such a blast last year that we're doing it again.

This is

you will need to pay me $125.

If you want me to sit here

during this paid ad spot

for Champions Grove, I'll have Derek come over and put it in the middle of the year.

I support you

hugely in this process.

I think Champions Grove is a wonder.

But if you're going to make me sit here during our paid advertising time, it will cost you $100.

Well, at this point, you're just wasting your own time.

So let me finish the

pitch.

Okay.

So this year we're doing four days.

Instead of last year's three.

And thankfully, I need Diverse Games stepped in and made a huge sponsorship so that every ticket we could keep the price down.

And I think we kept it at the same price it was last year, if not close.

But you get an extra day for Travis.

You get an extra day.

Yeah.

You fool.

You're pissing money away off the toilet.

Well, yeah, I have seen my doctor about that, and they say it's normal.

It's weird.

When Travis pisses in the toilet, it always goes around the bowl and shoots right back out.

It doesn't make any sense.

It is wild.

It is wild.

Anyway,

you can go to championsgrove.com.

It's going to be Memorial Day weekend there at the end of May.

Come hang out with us for four days.

We're bringing out some great tabletop creators and people to play games with you guys.

And we're going to have a bunch of different events.

Go to championsgrove.com for the packages, and we'll see you there.

Here's the rest of the show.

All right.

We're over 70 episodes into our show, Let's Learn Everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

We are going to now call some folks down to the microphone, which I believe is here, stage left, house right, right up here up front.

Please don't come to the microphone if we do not call you.

And I wish I lived in a world where I didn't have to say specifically, explicitly that.

We'll call you down by your name and seat number when you come down.

If you want to give us your name, your pronouns, if you would like, and we'll get into your question.

Also, just want to take a moment to say, thank you all for being here.

Yes.

Joining us.

I can see you all now.

Okay.

I just wanted to show a little gratitude.

I appreciate it.

No, I just wanted to say, as long as we're talking about stuff, and I know other Griffin is at the microphones.

Hold on one second.

The

There's

sorry.

This is such a beautiful theater.

If you didn't take a moment to sort of like absorb it, it's freaking gorgeous.

And actually, as you leave that way, they've got some samples of the

molding.

I'm the only person.

No, they let you, you can see samples of the chandelier and you can taste them.

Because if you're like me, you've been looking at it going, I wonder what that tastes like.

On your way out, just like man, for sure.

I'd love to chow down on that that light fixture on the ceiling.

I'm just saying this is that we go to a lot of places, and this is such a beautiful place.

And thank you for having us.

Okay.

Thank you, Papa.

Let's start.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm sorry, my brother called you other Griffin.

That's all right.

It's a wonderful thing.

I mean, he's right, but I'm sorry.

The lights are pretty dark, so you just kind of look like my brother.

How tall are you?

5'11.

I'm 5'10, so it's pretty fucking close, honestly.

Okay.

Sounds like a real 5'10 thing to say, Griffin.

Okay.

Sorry, that was funny.

It was funny.

It's a funny joke, Devin.

It's good.

Yeah.

All right.

Birthday boys.

Yeah, birthday boys.

Take that, Griff.

So, hello.

Hello.

I sent in two questions.

Which one is which one is this?

You are, Josh?

I am.

You have one about.

I have one about flashlights and I've one about flash flash flash flow.

Flashlights is definitely the one we want to get into, Josh.

Thank you so much.

So I work for a tool company, and I.

So do I.

Griffin.

Griffin.

We got him, dude.

You got him.

Wait.

Hold on.

All right, Josh, go ahead.

Over the course of my career, I have accrued at least 10 flashlights, 10 unique flashlights.

Makes them unique.

They're used for all sorts of different fun things.

One of them has a mouth guard.

that you can bite down on.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Oh, shining out, right?

yeah it's not wait did you think it was a mouth-based internal flashlight i'm just saying i've never had whatever oscopy goes in that way but they definitely don't want you to bite the thing in half right

are any of them like really bright yes

most of them and they most

uh it hurt if you looked at them it hurt if you looked at it yeah that's about what we were looking for if you all haven't gotten out there and i think josh will back me up on this if you all have not gotten out there to buy yourself a flashlight and I mean a really intense flashlight, it's wild the things we're doing with flashlights these days, guys.

Flashlight technology.

You got the O-light Seeker Pro 4.

And if you turn that thing on, I look like the motherfucking neighborhood.

I shouldn't have this much power in my hand.

It's like theatrical lighting.

I'm just carrying it around for Halloween.

Buy round of applause because I want to make sure I'm not alone in this.

How many of you have felt extreme excitement when you've shined a flashlight and you can see it like on a cloud?

Yeah, that's special shit.

You guys want to do that?

That was a universal task.

You got any cloud flashlights, Josh?

Maybe.

I haven't tested it on a cloud.

What?

Josh, you gotta shine this shit on a cloud.

It's a bust.

Josh, you haven't lived, Josh.

What was the question?

Did you have a question, Josh, or did you just want to shoot the shit about flashlights?

I just like flashlights.

No, I have all these flashlights, and most of them have magnets, but I don't know how to use them in my daily life.

Like, I don't know.

The magnet thing threw me for a second there, Josh.

Like, inside of them, or it's part of it.

part of it um i used to dread any time i would have to either go into the crawl space under my house for some sort of uh home project that i was obviously not fucking equipped to do or up into the attic for the same shit uh and then i bought myself some knee pads and gloves and a little headlamp and then i loved going under the house and in the attic because all of a sudden i'm a little spelunker now i'm going on a little adventure and i have everything i need to do it So I would say get under there.

Get under there or over there, above there, because there's stuff happening in your attic or in the crawl space under your house you have no fucking idea about.

And a lot of the time it's hornets.

Yeah.

Josh.

And nothing soothes hornets like having a light shined on them.

The brightest lights on the market, yeah.

Josh, would you be willing to commit to only having one light on in your house in any given time?

I can do that.

Because that way you can turn one off, flashlight comes on.

It's a fun little game to find the next room flashlight goes back off turn the light on that's fun uh another thing you could start like providing it as a service for other people because sometimes when it's dark outside like nighttime i don't know where the clouds are anymore because it's too dark

and you could use your flashlight to spot clouds for me and that'd be very exciting oh you know sometimes i'm outside and it gets a little spooky and i get in my head and if some helpful stranger ran up with a flashlight shining in my face and i was like oh god light i'm so safe now yeah yeah the light keeps you safe.

It would be cool, Josh, if you could hide them all throughout your home.

And then when a storm came, you could stand near one.

Like, no matter where you're at in your house, you have to hide them.

You could pound up because you pound on the fucking banisters.

Unroll.

Like, you're so ready for it.

Like, at any moment, you're always within arm's reach of one flash.

If it fires at you, catch it out of the end.

That would rule, actually, Josh.

You gotta do that.

Hey, Josh, you got one of those big mag lights?

I mean, it's pretty big.

Cool, man.

I mean, it doesn't.

We're not making it.

That sounds like a real 5'10 thing to say, Josh.

I'm just saying, when you walk around with a mag light, you're like, I'm good for darkness scenarios, or if I have to beat some ass

like a cool security guard guy, I guess.

If you see somebody who's compensating with one of those giant ass mag flashlights, the thing

you need to remember about them is that person had to go to the store to buy Ds.

Because they didn't have Ds.

They had to go to the store store to buy special D batteries to put their stupid big flashlight.

You know what a waste of time.

Somebody who's wearing rave gloves with lights on the end of each finger.

This person's got nothing to prove.

Hey, Josh, do you got rave gloves?

I know what I'm getting tomorrow.

Heck yeah.

Hey, Josh, did we

Did we help you?

I don't think we did, but we did celebrate you, which is a new angle for us.

Hooray for you, Josh.

Thanks, Josh.

Appreciate you.

Was there someone else?

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

You're crushing it so far.

I'm so excited about your question.

You know, I'm going to be honest, I thought you were just going to read it yourselves.

Oh, no.

Do you want us to just do that?

Would you feel more comfortable if we did?

Because Griffin's happy to do that.

I mean, I'll tackle it again.

Okay, great.

Well, that's good because I don't know if you know this.

We don't know all the details.

That's true.

You got to tell us.

What's your name?

Yvette.

Hi, Yvette.

Hi.

What is your question, Yvette?

So

I'm writing a book.

I'm writing my first novel.

Congratulations.

A lot of book people in here.

Surprising.

That's a good thing for what's coming next.

So it is very

book talk appropriate.

Nice.

And I

know what that means.

I got you, Griff.

Don't worry.

Go ahead.

So it is spicy.

Okay.

There is spice and

attractive people with wings.

Oh, I love that.

Okay, so like angels.

Is it angels?

It could be Faye.

Close, you know, maybe from the other direction.

Way.

Oh.

Yeah.

We got there.

Hey, can I just say, if this is what you're putting on the description on the dust cover, so far, so good.

Yeah.

I'm buying multiple copies.

The dust cover is just like, so it's pretty spicy.

Done got angels, but you know, the other ones.

I buy the fuck out of them.

I'd buy that book.

I gotta know.

The mystery is.

50% ellipses.

That's it.

Yeah, it's just, and the author pictures just you going,

I don't know.

So you're writing a demon sex novel.

What is the question?

You get it.

You get it.

Yeah, my mom keeps asking me what it's about.

A lot of religious themes, mom.

Yeah.

She's a Sunday school teacher, so.

Oh, Yvette.

Oh, Yvette.

I don't know how to.

So, mom, you know what I mean?

So

she understands the power of myth.

Yeah.

Huge.

Mom, you know how demons are always trying to tempt us in sin.

Yeah.

What my book explores

is if we were like, fuck yeah.

Yeah.

You could also say it's the hero's journey and it involves the hero.

The hero's horny.

The hero does go on a demonic sex adventure, but at the end,

saved and totally good to go.

But then

she'll read the whole book.

No, I'm not saying you have to make your main character, your main sexual character get saved at the end of your book.

Although I think a lot of books would benefit if they ended with the main character getting bored again.

Can I just say, Griffin, what you've introduced also is the idea that there's a main character, but a main sexual character, and they're two different people.

And it's just like interspersed chapters of like, this guy's over here saving the world.

This one's over here getting his dick wet.

Yeah.

And I can't stress enough, the stories are not related.

Never the twain shall meet.

I think you might be surprised that your mom ends up being really proud of you.

Because I think that any, I just think if my kid had a passion like that and they went after it, I'd be so freaking proud, I don't think I'd care what it's about.

That's one.

Second,

there's a lot of people reading fairy sex books you wouldn't think are reading fairy sex books.

That's true.

You never.

I've seen people on like CBS this morning talking about fairy sex books.

It's getting...

It's getting subtraction.

It would actually probably at this point be weirder if you said, I'm writing a demon book and your mom said, lots of fucking, right?

And you said, I don't.

And you're like, no, mom, very chaste.

And she's like,

silly.

Is the concern, I'm just now realizing not that you are worried about your mother's approval or disapproval, but that you just wicked don't want to have this conversation.

Yeah, no, I just want.

I'm 30.

I don't care if she likes it.

Fuck yeah.

Amazing.

You, you specifically don't want to hear about it.

Yeah, which I don't

know.

You should just tell her to leave an Amazon review, and then you just know it's out there somewhere.

You don't need to know the star rating that was applied to this review.

You just know your mom read it.

Tell her not to read it, but leave five stars.

If your mom asks what it's about, just say buy a copy and find out.

Yeah.

It gets pretty ribbled.

Remember as a kid, you taught me all those different ways of describing back muscles?

Well,

I think you're going to be very pleased.

Does that help?

Have we helped you?

For sure, yeah.

Thank you so much.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Seriously, when your book comes out, will you tell us?

Tell us when your book comes out.

Okay, all right.

We will do a free ad for your book when it comes out.

We will not.

You can't promise that.

Free ads.

You can't promise that.

I'll do a free ad.

Or I'll at least buy eight copies.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Baz.

He, him, pronouns.

Hi, Baz.

How can we help?

My question is, I recently moved into a house with five roommates.

That's a lot.

Yes, it's a lot of guys.

And when we moved in, there was a bunch of bricks in the backyard, and there was a big brick pile, a pile of bricks.

This was the same bricks, though, right?

These were not separate bricks and bricks.

All uniform bricks.

And a couple weeks ago, our landlord sends us an email saying, hey, guys, I noticed that the bricks were scattered in the backyard.

I'd appreciate it if you put the bricks back in the pile.

Those bricks are very important to me

for construction.

And he said, was the for construction that's seen tacked on like maybe he was embarrassed that he said that he has important bricks and then he's like uh for a normal reason I mean I don't know what he does with the bricks okay

and he said kindly return the bricks to the brick pile but we didn't we didn't scatter the bricks so

you shouldn't have to return the bricks to the brick pile okay wait paz paz yeah first this is the delicious mystery you've brought to us and we're going to solve it here tonight

is your backyard enclosed No.

Oh, so someone could come in and have a brick party.

Which

we're

unequipped to answer several questions.

Which one are you interested in us attempting?

Because I feel like the nature of the bricks is something that looms very large in my mind.

Even larger than perhaps the perpetrator of the movement is the use of the bricks.

Baz, is there a big, let's say, hole in the wall of the building you live in?

And he,

he just hasn't gotten to it yet.

Well, we were thinking about trying to use the bricks to make like a pizza oven.

Timeouts.

Okay, now wait.

Timeout, Baz, Vaz.

You can't say, oh, we didn't do it.

But if we had fucking done it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's you and five other, let's just call them what they are, suspects in the house.

We didn't do it yet.

One of y'all.

How well do you know these people?

I have to imagine that wholesale brick sellers get orders sometimes for a bunch of bricks and they're like, is this for a brick pizza oven?

And the person on the other line is like, yes.

And they say, all right, man, knowing that it's just going to be a brick pile for many, many, many months before they get around to turning it into a pizza cooking device.

How many bricks is this, if you had to guess?

I would say like three to four hundred.

And did all of them get scattered or just some of them?

Just some of them.

Is there enough to build yourself a small house?

Well, there's a pile that's kind of like nicely stacked.

Okay.

Yeah.

Like a nicely stacked pile.

And then there's like maybe a couple smaller piles and then a little scattered bit of bricks around.

Man, I wish I had a diagram or something.

I'm trying to.

It's really important.

I'm just trying to visualize all these bricks.

Are they?

And I'm just thinking about why they might be important to this man.

Bricks of cocaine?

Yeah, we didn't clarify.

Hey, did you guys scatter my bricks of cocaine around your yard?

Please stack back up your bricks of cocaine.

They're really important to me.

I just don't understand what could be so important about the bricks,

but he trusts a bunch of brick flingers to put it back the way he likes it.

A bunch of people, people with big dreams of pizza ovens in their eyes, and he trusts you all to put it back the special way he like.

Like, I don't understand.

He's got his special bricks.

Okay.

Has this situation resolved itself before you came here tonight?

Or are the bricks still in shambles and the guilt hanging on your head?

We started, the six of of us kind of started doing this thing where we would be like, all right, well, whenever we cross through the backyard, we'll take a couple bricks and put it back in the brick.

That's awesome.

And that's going to be, you're going to get so fucking built from doing that too.

Or at least one of your arms will.

And can I also just say, the last day you guys are there, last day of release, really fucking great Jenga game.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Could you build 10 small brick piles and be like, I have blessed your crop.

Now you have so many brick piles to enjoy.

You could build yourself a little hideout in there so that your landlord couldn't get to you, assuming he's a wolf.

That's true.

He'll have some trouble navigating that.

Yeah, he can huff and puff all his face.

Does that help you, you think Betty?

That's incredibly helpful.

Thank you.

Our 100% success rate.

That's what a lot of bricks look.

And in case you've never seen a pile of bricks, my friend.

Huh.

So that's what bricks look like.

Hello.

Well, they're concrete blocks, but we'll get them next time.

Hi.

hello hi um my name is mari they she hi mari i'm very excited for this yeah so i live on the ground level of an apartment complex cool i have windows a nice glass patio door

i also have a cat who likes those windows sure yeah it gets warm there with the sun and whatnot yeah so i have a problem where My neighbors, children off the street that I don't know, like to look in my windows and my patio door to see your to see my um weird muscular cat now Mari if I could ask you Mari what is the largest

you've ever seen this cat projected on a screen

have you seen this cat what have you ever seen this cat you've seen this cat at regular scaleboard size like are is everybody gonna be okay if they see let's say this cat a very

it's gonna be all right okay you're all good Okay, Paul.

Let's see a picture of this built cat.

That one's okay.

That one's okay.

Okay, hold on.

Wait, Lancer.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

That was just an amusement.

Can we see the next?

There's one of these images where the vascularity makes me want to fucking barf.

Hell yeah.

Look at that shit.

Look at the tone and definition of

a fucking cat.

That's a cat who's putting in fucking time at the Iron Temple.

But it's genetics too, Travis.

You can't teach all this.

Can you just?

No, but it's also Justin.

He knows the pose.

Do you see the hold down?

That's heritage.

It's an artist.

You can't train it.

That's family.

That's love.

Can we get a zoom on the front haunch?

Well, actually, don't.

I don't want to.

Look at that shit.

That's calm.

No.

No, no.

Stop, Paul.

Too close.

It looks like Percy Jackson.

Can I know?

Look at the cat's face, too.

That is a calm confidence.

The cat fucking knows.

It's like a light lightning bolt muscles.

It's a cat who lifted.

All right.

Okay.

Amazing, though.

Amazing.

Look at that tread.

Look at the webbing.

This is a perfect feline specimen.

The forearms alone.

Look at that fucking Jesus Christ.

This way.

Wait, the author person, are you paying attention to this?

Sexy cat people.

It's gonna be a thing.

I just made it up.

Travis is.

Her splayed toes began to curl as.

Okay.

Okay.

So listen, this projector couldn't cost more than $20,000.

If you set this up outside your home on a loop, people will never bother you again.

They can get the goods for free.

Yeah, children and passers-by will no longer bother you by looking at your windows.

You know who else won't bother you?

Burglars.

Because you have the world's strongest, scariest fucking cat.

Not scary.

I would still fucking pal around with this cat.

Yeah,

what's the cat's name?

His name is Obi.

Obi's good.

And I'm just saying, this looks like Obi is about to just stand up and start walking around.

Like on two legs, talking to me, like, oh, hey, man, I'll get that.

It does actually kind of look like, just with the face, it sort of holistically, it looks like Obi is responding to a question like, oh, you need a picture of my muscles for the podcast tonight?

Yeah, no pressure, no pressure.

How's this?

Do you want me to spread my paws out real bit?

Okay, cool.

Here it comes.

I literally took this picture today.

Yeah.

Amazing.

So what do you, what, what's the problem?

People, random strangers and children are looking in their house.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but like, shouldn't they get to see it too?

Not in the house.

Well,

you can't schedule a time where you walk Obi,

assuming Obi doesn't just pick you up and carry you around the neighborhood and say, hey, everybody, from like 10 to 10.30, I'm going to be out there.

And then you can see Obi.

But in here, this is Obi off the you should have view.

Okay.

If you don't, you've got to have viewing hours if you don't want this to happen.

You do need to have a schedule where people can come by for 90 minutes.

We were all thinking 90 minutes.

Where they can come in and just sort of see the cat.

What do you need?

90 minutes?

Like a 90-minute window every day where people can come in and see the cat.

Come in.

Come in, Justin.

Come in.

I thought you were saying one person got to come in for 90 minutes.

Dolly Pardon will let you tour her childhood home, okay?

If she will let you do that, she knows.

She can still live there, Justin.

You can let let people look at your cat for 90 minutes?

That I ought one for one, Justin.

It's not even that long.

She used to live there.

Are we charging tickets for this interactive sales?

No, it's free.

What?

It's not about the money.

In this economy?

In this economy, juice.

I love you all so much.

You know what I like the most about Obi is Obi's not huge, right?

Obi is

It's a definition thing.

You didn't just, it's not just bulk, it's a lot of tone.

That's so hard to achieve on a cat.

A lot of guys in the Iron Temple that I wail with, they don't know when to stop.

They don't have that restraint.

My problem is

I just keep wailing and wailing and wailing and getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

I just don't have the restraint.

And I just keep screaming and screaming.

He's got those Michael Shannon muscles.

He's got those J.K.

Simmons muscles.

There's a secret under that shirt.

Have you ever fought your cat a little?

Just fought your cat for a second to see how you'd fare?

When you arm off your cat, is there holding back?

Oh, most definitely.

Okay,

I don't care if we helped.

You have the world's strongest cat, and that's amazing for you.

You're living on the battle.

Not necessarily strongest, just most cut.

Most cut, most toned.

But did we help?

Did that help?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay, thank you so very much.

I believe we have one last person.

We have one more.

Hello, hello.

Hello, my friend.

Hi.

How's it going?

Good.

Good.

My name is Torren.

Hi, Torin.

So,

my boyfriend is in school for music right now.

Yeah.

And

I have heard a lot of people talk about

talking to guys, and then they'll go over to the guy's house and the guy will just start playing guitar at them.

Yeah, serenaded, yeah.

So, my boyfriend doesn't do that, but he does play tuba.

So Torin, I have to say

this was funny backstage

but now that I've met you and seen how pleasant and soft-spoken you are it's like extra extra funny.

That's super duper duper funny.

The idea that you would be mid-conversation and he's like yeah absolutely.

You like Matchbox 20?

A lot of people think think you can't do miraz on a tuba.

I don't think you can.

Torren is your boyfriend here.

This is very important.

He's not.

He lives in Michigan.

Awesome.

Okay.

Has this happened?

Have you been tuba serenaded?

Yes, so that was my question: was what's the appropriate reaction to a personal one-on-one tuba concept?

Oh yeah,

you are you good at lying?

No?

Okay, this is

This is so hard.

This is the hardest question we've ever fielded, baby.

This is so hard.

Because I've been on the other side of this and tried to play a song for my wife on guitar.

And here's how it goes.

I have to pretend like I'm just practicing at first.

And then there's definitely a point at which I'm no longer just kind of playing around.

I'm definitely playing a song for her.

But it has to be adjacent.

Because if I make this woman start looking at me while I play guitar, I think the main thing you have to do is avoid eye contact at all costs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just pretend like you don't hear the tuba.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you're like enjoying it passively.

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, oh, that was you playing?

I thought that was a record.

I thought that was one of your CDs.

I thought that was one of your tuba tapes, babe.

You're always trying to give me a listen to your tuba.

It doesn't explain why my ears are bleeding.

You could do something else.

Like,

you could play Pilatro on your phone and just kind of nod along, like, yeah, vibing.

You don't get a lot of candid serenades like this, unfortunately.

The ideal scenario is something like the Get Back Beatles documentary when George Erison's like, boom, boom, boom, boom.

And one of the others is like, oh man, that sounds fucking good.

What is that?

You just got to sit next to him while they're tubering and be like, yeah, do that one that's like, bump, bum, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump.

Can you play the one that's like, blat, blat, blat?

What if you, when they started serenading, you was like, wait, play that again, and then you pull out a trombone.

Yeah, what if you lay down a little bit like,

just like a little over that tuba.

You play the tuba, and I'll do some lyrics.

Be like, ooh, is that Chopin's 100 farts?

Yeah, there's not a lot of songs where the tuba is the hero instrument.

No.

At least when someone's laying a guitar, you immediately know what the song is that they're playing.

Where someone's laying a tuba and you're like, what's the tuba?

It's hard when they bring their tuba around the campfire and they're like, bump, bump, bump, bump.

Today is gonna be the bump that they're gonna buy.

Yeah, if they're if it hadn't been for Obi's cartoon firefighters, they never would have invented the tuba.

That's what it was created for.

It could be worse, Torren.

Your boyfriend could be a symbols player.

Yeah.

At which point, your boyfriend will be like, Listen to this song.

Well,

he is, to his credit.

He's a very good tuba player.

I assume that, Tori.

Let me make it.

Hold on, hold on.

Let's brag a bit.

I don't know what to say.

Yeah.

All you have to compare it to, I'm guessing, is other songs your boyfriend has played for you.

So you can always hit your boyfriend with like a...

That is the third best one you've done so far.

Really, very, very, very good.

It was better than the other one you did earlier today, which was my least favorite tuba song.

Like, don't, like, don't try to boost him up.

Like, really give them some good criticism, some good constructive feedback.

That's my second favorite tuba song today.

I am pulling deep from my memory of being in middle school band for this comment, but I think this will land.

If you say, you know what, I don't care what anyone says, it's way better than hearing a saxophone.

And I think that will land so hard.

They need to hear that.

Yeah.

Can you say, moisten your ombouchure?

Say you're not moist enough in your embouchure.

Empty your spit valve, babe.

That's probably the worst thing about brass instruments that nobody ever talks about.

Does that exist?

It doesn't happen with drums.

It doesn't happen with drums.

They don't have a spit valve.

I've seen him empty it out before.

It is quite gross.

It's like hell on earth.

It's impossible.

They should have uninvented them, right?

The first time that they were like, and this is the spit valve They should have found a fire and thrown them all in there and be like uninvented forget it forget how to do this one I know we reference this a lot, but if someone can come up with like a Fremen suit for Brass instruments where somehow it feeds back into the player while they're doing it that would be amazing.

That's a closed piss you can play forever.

Imagine I'm grooving on my own piss right now.

I love that album.

So when my brother said I'm grooving on my own piss did that did that help you when I said that?

Did that help your walk?

That's fucked up.

It's true.

It's so weird that that helps you, but you're naughty and giving me two thumbs up like, I love it, okay?

Awesome.

Thank you so, so much.

And thank you all so, so much.

You all have been absolutely incredible.

If we could take the house lights down so we can't see you anymore, amazing.

We love you, and you've been fantastic.

But hi, hello.

I just want to say this has been an amazing way to end the 20 Funk Lord tour.

You guys have been an amazing audience.

Yes, for sure.

It's been a wild, bad week, and y'all

made it fun.

We have been here so many times to Milwaukee, and it has never not felt like it.

It rips out everything.

It feels an oasis, man.

It feels so

nice.

I love it here.

We have ended a lot of tour weekends in Milwaukee where it's been like the third night of a tour.

And every time, like you said, the show, you're like, ah, it's a drive.

And then you come out and do it, and you're like, you guys are getting so much.

I know it sounds like bullshit, but but it's, we love Milwaukee.

Yeah, it's the last tour, it's the last show of the tour, so we can be honest about all the other cities.

Yeah.

Um, thank you all so much.

Thank you to the Pabs for having us.

This place fucking rules.

Thank you to

Paul and Amanda and Rachel and Sidney Dean, who designed our incredible poster for us.

If you want one, make sure you buy one, okay?

You won't be able to get one again.

It's one of my favorites.

It's so good.

Thank you to Paul and Rachel and Amanda for helping us put on this show.

Thank you to our dad, Clint McElroy.

Thank you to Clint McElroy.

Thank you to Montane for the use for a theme song.

My Life is Better With You.

It is a certified club banger.

Griffin, do you want to read the wish?

The final fungalore wish of the live season.

Let's get a nice sound.

This is our last sound bath.

We're going to make it real big.

You ready?

Ready?

I wish my friends would all become lactose intolerant so I'm not alone.

My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother, and me kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

It's better with you.

It's better, it's better with you

Cause it's true

It's better, it's better with you

My life

It's better with you

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