MBMBaM 740: Ten Percent Kissy Face

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the side

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed.

It's ripened into into a precious friendship

I could have never seen what was coming for me

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life

it feels love

It's better, it's better with you

My life

better, it's better with two.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me.

It's an advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What is up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your middlest brother, Travis Big Dog, Wolf Wolf McElroy.

What is also up?

Trav Nation, I am

the sweet

baby brother.

Are we trying to see, is it like a game to see how long a pregnant pause we can keep

going in here?

I'm taking this very seriously.

I need to address,

there's some controversies surrounding, so as everyone in Trav Nation knows, I've released my line of yogurt, ProGurt, the first and only shell-stable yogurt.

Now, how did you make four gamers?

I'm not done.

Made for gamers by gamers.

Available exclusively at GameStop.

Gamers made the yogurt at GameStop.

They didn't make it at GameStop.

It's just available exclusively.

Oh, they make it at your

laboratories.

I thought GameStop had started to host sort of yogurt workshops.

And that's my mistake for assuming that.

And there's been some videos going around of people opening both the Sonic Strawberry Slam and Master Chief's Mango Madness and finding mold inside.

Okay.

Mango mold, Master Mold, or just regular mold?

As far as we can tell, regular mold.

Is it the dang flood again getting stinky out there, causing all kinds of chaos?

I'm sorry, that's really tasteless.

Much like the yogurt itself, Griffin, that's utterly tasteless.

You're right.

That was a poor joke, and it was made at the expense of my brother Travis and the

countless dead because of this moldy shelf stable.

And the Travitars.

Don't forget about that.

They rely on.

Why are those?

Citizens of Trav Nation?

I thought they were Travatars.

Well, those are actually Travatars are half Trav Nation citizens, half normal citizens.

Half Na'Vi.

Yeah, half Na'Vi.

Na'Vi citizens of Trav Nation are called Travatars.

So the shelf stability, it sounds like,

is maybe a marketing bullet point and not a.

Well, I spoke with my team of Sigma scientists who have their PhDs in gamer gastronomy, and they have informed me.

yeah they they have informed me

that the mold is part of it the mold is part of the

is intentional um that gamers need the mold uh to power them okay and they also said it probably has penicillin in it that's and will make them healthier so it's totally fine increase increased reaction time yeah definitely up your kd up your kd

um that's huge trav congrats it It sounds like this is a good thing.

I don't know why you're announcing this like it's a bad thing.

Well, there's also some people who have claimed that we didn't obtain any kind of licensing rights for Sonic.

Don't need to.

Or Master Chief.

Don't need to.

You're in Trav Nation.

You don't have copyright law there.

The thing is, I'm very close personal friends with both Sonic and Master Chief, and they actually worked very closely to develop these flavors with me, and they told me that it was totally fine to use their names and likenesses, and there was no need to get lawyers involved.

Right.

Travis, I've had to tell you this a million times.

I cannot believe I'm having to tell you a million first time, but just because you know two drug dealers named Sonic and Master Chief doesn't mean you know the real Sonic and Master Chief.

One of them is blue.

Yeah, no, I know.

It's Master Chief, which is weird.

Yeah.

But they're nice guys.

They're nice guys, but they're drug dealers, and

they're not the mascots for Sega and Microsoft, respectively.

It does.

They can't give you permission.

If you look, it does very, if you look very closely on the packaging, it does say A sonic strawberry slam and awesome a master chief so the a is very small but it is there so legally my sigma lawyers who yeah also have their law degrees in gamer gastronomy tell me that it's totally fine and safe why says master chief c-h-e-i-f and

that's you get away with it the biggest innovation i would love to see in kids yogurt and kids food is i want brands to start having flavors i want like every frozen three thing to taste the same so it's like if it's frozen three

like liqueur, frozen three, cereal, frozen three, whatever, it all has the same berry black.

Cherry cordial.

Yeah, cherry cordial.

It's all that's cherry cordial.

I want to make it clear

off of Justin said,

kids should not eat pro-gurt.

It's actually formulated for 18 up.

If kids eat it,

we don't know what will happen.

It will overwrite your gut.

ecosystem entirely.

And if you're 18, you can handle that kind of wild switcheroo.

If you're six and you down this proverb,

all of a sudden your stomach's going to be like, okay, I'm ready to digest corn nuts now.

And you're like, I don't eat those.

If you're six, Keegan, and there's our flashing middleware.

And we've heard

you need that stuff in the library.

We've heard from some people that,

namely the FDA, that we should have listed that on the packaging somewhere.

Yeah.

But we figured that by putting very grown-up figures like Master Chief and Sonic on their own.

Now that's your

favorite.

These are for adults who like Sonic and Master Chief.

these things are for kids so traditionally sonic games are rated e i believe shadow the hedgehog was e10 plus because of guns um which is cool that we do that 10 year olds and sonic and guns

kids don't play video games where would they get the money to buy triple-a video games

um lawnmowing

lawnmowing well it i at that point i think legally they're considered at least for gastronomy purposes for money yeah yeah for gastronomy purposes if you're earning a wage because child labor is illegal.

So if you're earning a wage,

you are gastronomy, gastronomically speaking, an adult.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Trav.

Yeah.

What do you think off-Broadway is like?

What do I think off-Broadway is like?

You're there now.

Let's set the stage.

You're there.

Let's set the stage appropriately enough.

You're there now.

I mean, you're not right now because we're recording this like a week and a half in advance, but you're there now when people are listening to this.

Are you rubbing elbows with Jackie?

If you don't know the context here, Travis, due to the hard labor of superstar agent Joel Begleiter, is being allowed to perform off-Broadway with the 20-sided tavern with plenty of good seats available.

Well, you say hard labor, but when I reached out to him, I was like, hey, this sounds fun.

How do I get in there?

He's like, oh, they actually reached out to me about it a while ago.

Do you want to do it?

So I don't know how much hard labor crazy time is.

I just actually heard Travis's muscles flex when he said that.

It says

like a 11 hour

stretched.

I would never want to do this thing that you're doing, which sounds like my hell.

So, how did you prepare yourself for it?

Well, I figure off-Broadway is a lot like Broadway, but like a slightly darker shade, like there's a little more tint to it.

So, it's not quite Broadway.

Then there's Eggshell Broadway.

Right.

And

is this the kind of heat that you're going to bring to Broadway?

No, I wouldn't waste my Off-Broadway heat here on the show.

This is all my snickles.

Can you give people a sample of what they like?

Yeah.

I think it's going to be weird for people.

this is the second mabim bam in a row where you have busted out yeah it's maybe the only song he knows um it is the only song in the world that i know i don't have any room for any other ones i've got all these cheat codes for sonic and master chief and then

what are you what okay you've been doing stage shows live live stage shows for over a hundred times now you've gotten out there What do you think the biggest difference is going to be between your usual setup?

Which of your exacting demands will they not be ready for?

Yeah, I imagine there won't be a vegetable tray backstage that I claim will definitely be necessary, but then we never touch.

So I don't think that will happen.

I don't think dad will be there on stage with me, and that will be different.

Yeah.

Not having my that's funny that you say, Justin and I won't be there on stage.

We won't be there on stage with you.

Wait, what do you mean?

They wouldn't let us play.

They wouldn't let me do all the different voices.

Wait, I have to.

Wait.

You're a solo actor.

Wait,

I have to perform in front of a crowd without you guys there?

Yeah, that's right, Trent.

It's going to be your own.

Yeah, no, it's not going to be.

Do you want us to write anything for you right now?

We could write you some jokes.

Yeah, if you could give me some DD, but Broadway-specific.

I've got this idea for a character named The Gizard.

He's a sorcerer, and he is crude and rude.

He is

struggling with his

impotence.

Struggling with he wishes he was more impotent?

Yes.

Okay.

He's too potent.

I'm not going to fill in all the fucking gaps for you to improvisational yet.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Justin, could you give me something?

Yeah, I one thing that I have noticed in every single Broadway show ever, and I don't know that they've had this in 20 Side of Tavern, and it could be the last thing they need to get him over onto on Broadway, right?

Is just you got to say something about being in New York and how much you love being in New York.

All the great ones are like, like, think about, I mean, obviously everybody's mind jumps to Spider-Man turn off the dark.

Like all the freaks are here tonight in New York City.

Like shouting out the big apple is going to get you.

I don't know.

Can you maybe, you know what would be really good, Travis, is if you could find a growing potion and use it on an apple.

Oh, I love that.

Look at how it'd be like, hubba, hubba.

I love this big apple.

I want to take a bite out of it.

It is improvisational, right?

So you can pick up a stone from the ground and be like, whoa, this is the New York teleportation stone.

And you rub it and you're like, and now the scene is in New York City, the greatest city in the world.

Can I tell you what's amazing about this, boys, is that we're recording this ahead of time.

And then I assume all of Travis Nation is going to show up, watch the show.

And then they'll hear this episode after my run is done.

And they'll be like, that's where all the magic came from.

That's why

he talked about the big apple and the teleportation stone.

That's why every show.

Every one of his shows, Travis found a magic New York teleportation stone.

He dragged the rest of the cast kicking and screaming to an enchanted-esque New York City fantasy vacation.

And this is good too, because when I portray the gizzard on stage, I'm not going to give it any background.

I'm not going to explain it at all, but now they'll know here,

like, oh,

that's everything I needed to know about the gizzard.

Travis,

I obviously got my Oscar.

from my involvement in Mitchells vs.

the Machines, an Oscar award-winning movie that I contributed one to two lines of dialogue to.

And Justin and I were cut from, yes.

And Justin and you were cut from.

But listen, I think of us as a unit, right?

So, like, we have an Oscar.

Correct.

If you can secure the Tony on this one, if you can pull down an Anthony for us, all of a sudden we're halfway there, aren't we?

We got to get Grammy.

All we do is audio shit.

It's

damn high

because we haven't applied ourselves yet to getting a Grammy.

We could totally do that if we wanted to.

And we've several times been nominated for iHeartRadio's best ad reads.

So I don't know if that fits in the entry.

You know what?

Piece on the Playground, which predates this particular entertainment.

By a few years, yeah.

By 100 years, which was a public service sort of special that me and dad did to curb playground violence.

Peace on the Playground.

And you did it, by the way.

And I did it.

Fucking crushed it.

Won a public service Emmy that is in director Chuck Minsker's house.

So that's EO.

You get the...

Justin, I think you got to pull the Grammy down, man, just to kind of like.

Oh, man.

I got that Twitter award.

I got a Twitter award.

remember when I had that Twitter award yeah that's true a shorty was that what it was a shorty award thank you Travis oh okay I have a um I've got a YouTube play button I've got a that's ours I got a local business uh reporting ap award for the state of ohio for best business reporting okay is that do I need to get a Pulitzer That's uh I've got a paper tie that my son wrote number one dad comedian on it.

Does that

be just listing everything that we got that I got the MacArthur Genius grant to create uh abnormals so there's that how did you spend all that that comes with so much money a lot of it went into the research and development for proger um if i'm being honest that's embezzlement from how did you know mitchells versus the machines didn't win right are you

i think it won for some category best best like coolest animation I think it won for some best off-screen dialogue.

Yeah.

You don't think it won?

Best cut.

Best cut, brothers.

Best cut, brothers.

We had our jobs replaced by AI on that one.

Competers took our jobs.

You know what?

We were nominated for that one.

We were nominated for best animated feature film.

We did lose to Encanto.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you do want to get the record straight on that.

Yeah.

We won an Encanto?

No, but we inspired it most of it.

I feel like it's very.

There's a lot of in-jokes in there.

What did we win?

We won a fucking Houston Film Critics Society Awards 2021.

That's the Oscars of Houston.

That's the Houston Oscars, basically.

Mike and Jeff won best screenplay at the Hollywood Critics Association.

I think that's got to give us something.

And then the TV show we did.

Probably went to Immigration.

What are you still doing?

Can we answer questions?

Please, I would love to.

I would love to.

Spinning wildly in our failure.

I'm so tired.

I know.

I know.

But when you feel that way, Griffin, just let, just hop on my back, man.

you know just let i give some sleepover energy sometimes

have you tried eating some progurt griffin because it's shown to increase energy level in adults in adults eating progurt would only help me insofar as it would make me as sick as my son and when that happens all of a sudden that only happens sometimes that when that happens the buck no longer stops completely at me i can sort of push off some of my but the i'm gonna be on the toy yeah the buck does not stop when you eat progurt that's actually one of our we've taken that and turned it into a slogan.

Just waiting on you to read a question, Juice.

Thomas, will you go in the mornings, like from door to door, agent to agent, just trying to get somebody to give you a shot?

You know what I mean?

Oh, while I'm in New York?

Yeah, or are you going to be like a waiter?

Are you going to be a waiter during the day?

I'm flying there, but then I'm going to leave the city and I'm going to get on a bus and then I'm going to arrive in my straw hat with my suitcase.

You're coming back.

You're leaving NYC and then you're coming back to NYC in a straw hat.

This car will already be there.

Yeah.

Okay.

Think about it.

Cool.

I hired a whole flash mob to do a scene.

It's going to be cool.

Great.

All right.

Well, let's answer some questions.

We can still help people.

Travis has lost all perspective.

I lost some.

You lost some.

My new glasses are pretty dark, so it does like it.

I'm a chocolateier.

My boss decided not to consult me on what seasonal shapes we were making this year.

The problem is they picked out a chocolate lollipop that stick comes out between Santa's legs, looking like a Santa has

huge dick nice now I have friends and family tell me they all want for Christmas is a big dick Santa how do I buy large amounts of this lollipop without the old ladies who run the store front asking why I want so many of the specific items that's from Santa's Schlong sculpture in Florida I is there a pick like There's not a pick, and that's criminal because I got to know the diameter of this stick.

It actually got censored.

My safe search wouldn't let me say anything.

I wouldn't even let you download the JPEG.

I feel you.

I don't know that this would, if it's a traditional pops, you know, I almost call it a pops tick because that's what our kids call it.

If it's a traditional lollipop's tick size, then it would actually look like Santa had an extraordinarily long, profoundly skinny dick.

And I don't think that that is just based on what I know about the man and his sort of like generally accepted fictional proportions.

I don't think that's what it's.

I don't think that's what it is.

You would rather see a Santa with a big fat dog.

It's either big all around or a choke city, but it's definitely not whatever kind of proportions this popstick stick is.

No way.

And when he laughed, his dick shook like a wet spaghetti.

Shame on me for thinking about Santa Claus's hose-like, brilliant white, ivory-white dick.

He looks like he could charm it with a pan flute.

It's insane.

Rock hard in a downward direction, too.

It would be weirder, I guess, if they painted it.

It looks like he's looking for a water supply.

Yeah.

Okay, so how do you buy large amounts of this lollipop without the old ladies who run the storefront asking why you want so many of this specific item?

It's a Santa Claus holiday-themed chocolate lollipop from the chocolate shop you work at.

To me, this seems like a pretty easy thing to do.

I don't think the old ladies are going to be like, you only want this because of the dick, don't you?

I coffee right away.

There is the risk that every other worker besides the manager has like been like, oh, that's the dick Santa.

And then you go up and you're like, I would like 24 of the Santa lollipops.

And and they're like why are you buying 24 of the dick santas yeah like even the old ladies know it we all know um old ladies do love rude like they love comedy

stuff so they do love that that's why 90 of our audience is over the age of 75 god i wish they would get so many more of our references if that were true oh man

i yeah like i absolutely like the lady who works at the old village roaster down next to keith alby she's got a sign up that says you don't have to be nuts to work here but it helps

My kids, my kids come in here.

Justin, you got to warn me before you drop something.

My kids come in here, Vicki.

You can't have that kind of thing.

I get it.

Yeah.

Do you think it does help?

I don't think it would.

What, being nuts?

Being nuts?

Yeah.

I wouldn't think so, no.

I mean, what does that mean?

I don't want to get too deep into this category, I guess.

Bonkers was totally nuts, and I don't think it helped Bonkers do his job.

What if you told them you were opening a franchise,

a small

mall kiosk franchise

of this chocolate place?

So, you're going to open up a you tell them you're opening up a satellite at the mall, yeah, because it's gonna, there's been a big demand at the mall for these special Santas, it's a holiday item, yeah, and they're going fast at the mall.

I had a bag of five at the mall, people stopped me.

They said, Where can I buy one of those?

He said, They're not for sale at the mall, they lost their fucking minds.

You could set up your booth right at the exit of the mall Santa photo booth situation

and be like, hey, parents,

parents, did you like that?

If you liked that, parents, you'll like this for sure.

Maybe something.

You don't even have to sell the lollipops.

You can just have one in a little box with a hole on it.

Not everybody.

Pay $10 and you can have a little peek at Santa Claus's zone for them.

Not everything has to be for your stupid kids.

No.

Yeah, you can still enjoy something just for you.

That's right.

You can't sell these in good conscience.

You can't sell these.

If there could be lots of people who get their hands on this and all of a sudden, that's the whole car ride home is talking about, well, that looks like a very long penis of Santa Claus.

You can't sell these.

And it's up to you to get all of them and melt them in a big oven.

Sorry.

And say, destroy them.

And say, we had to start over.

And this time you put the stick coming out of his neck.

And he's like doing like a popping lot, like he's doing like some groundwork like a break dancer i don't think there's a good version of it right it's coming out of one hand and it's like he's shooting a laser beam you could have

santa clauses iron man guys think about it that's cool you could also have santa claus arched backwards like this and then have the stick going straight through his chest and out the other side yeah and so it's like he's been impaled by a spear or something like that and then you can just kind of turn it like a corncob there's so many great ways to make lollipops i think lollipop lollipop makers are.

Santa pole dancing.

Santa pole dancing is sexy and cool.

That's sexy in a way that I think is tasteful.

Yeah, very much so.

There's a lot of people who do that for their health now and not to be erotic in any way.

And I think that's fucking cool.

Yeah.

How about another question?

Yes, please.

I'm a PhD student in English literature.

And as part of the role, I am teaching assistant at...

an undergraduate class on Shakespeare.

I also started working out recently and have seen a few of my students at the gym.

They're all much stronger and more experienced than I am.

Can I ask them for tips on how to help me get stronger?

Alternatively, can I make it part of their grade to avoid acknowledging my presence at all costs?

That's from learning in the lecture hall.

Or sorry, learning in the iron lecture hall.

And I have to say, learning in the iron lecture hall, what an interesting collection of facts you've chosen, both relevant and not to your query.

Just a, it's a delightful paprika of information.

I also thoroughly enjoy you giving us the two options of how do I, one, ask for help or two make it illegal right for them to see me which is the easier version of it I don't think you can do that I don't think you can ask a student for help with anything because then all of a sudden it reveals the power dynamic is it well yeah all of a sudden now you're the student and then you show up to class the next day and they rip your corduroy jacket off of you and they rip off your little cool sling bag and they say this is mine now because i taught you at the gym the roles have reversed sit your butt down othello one of shakespeare's funniest plays like they don't know any they don't know what they're doing once they get up there but they're teaching you what if you though made this into like a finding forester kind of situation right where you find somewhere where the the combination of a student who's not doing well but is very strong and good at gym and you said hey i'm gonna meet you where you're at let's let's go to the gym together and while i work out and you kind of tell me i'm gonna use that as like now imagine i'm hamlet and you're like the ghost of hamlet's dad see you get it also how many like uh reps should hamlet be doing and at what weight his dad do you think

what do you think i don't feel like i could just read gym stuff that seems to get yeah

Could you lift heavy Shakespeare books?

Yeah, I mean, you could, but that's free.

I I don't need to go to the gym to do that.

All my books are at home.

Wait a minute.

Are we about to put the whole gym industry out of business?

Hey, there's lots of heavy things everywhere.

There's heavy stuff all over.

There's heavy stuff everywhere.

You can run pretty much wherever you want.

You know,

the material here in Merchant of Venice is some pretty heavy stuff.

And you know what else is pretty heavy?

Weights.

Am I right, guys?

Now, watch as I curl this big book and you guys tell me what I'm doing wrong.

And then I'll tell you what they did wrong in Merchant of Venice.

So if you, if the kid tricks you, makes themselves the teacher and then you're the student.

That's the risk.

Is there a way to trick them, I guess, into letting you teach them?

That's the only way to keep your fucking job.

I mean, how can you get them?

How can you trick them into letting you teach them something in the classroom once you're already, I feel like once you're in the desks, it's so much harder, right?

Because flipping the script on somebody, when you're in the gym,

anybody can say, you know, student master, whatever.

Like the, the desks make it like so concrete.

Yeah.

Unless.

Unless?

Unless.

You take the lessons they teach you.

Now you've become stronger than them.

They're ready to take over the classroom.

Then you show up, you pick them up in the desk and start curling them while you're teaching songs.

Awesome.

Yes.

This is great.

A lot of people are just wild about teachers.

Every teacher should have guns.

It's the only way to keep it safe.

No, every teacher should have guns.

You know what I mean?

Like, every teacher should be stronger than the people they're teaching because otherwise, I don't have to listen to you.

If I'm stronger than you, I do not have to be taught by you.

Period.

End of sentence.

I mean, end of bit.

That's what they nailed it.

Physical strength trumps all at the end of the day.

I mean, if you get stronger than me, you're right.

That's the way it goes.

That's the way the cookie crumbles.

There's so many options.

Trick them.

Don't let them teach you.

Don't get a cookie in front of them.

Trick them.

Don't let them trick you or

catch all.

Get stronger than them and you must teach them.

They must be taught because you're huge.

You're so big.

You've been lifting all those books.

Fuck.

Wow.

Look at you.

Look at you go.

You're great.

We should come up with a, you know how LCD Sound System came up with like a 46 minute long like mix that's like, this is for you to work out to.

It's the perfect scientifically engineered tempo.

We should do that, but it's the three of us.

And we're like, yeah.

holy you got it whoa squeeze it out that's amazing we would have don't drop that we couldn't just do we couldn't jazz it we would have to get have like movements yeah because eventually i would just start saying that was a weird grunt and like

i think having like five minutes of us being like that was a weird grunt you're sweating a lot are you sure everyone's looking yeah i don't i wouldn't want to do that i want to inspire people as well the rest would be the rest would be inspirational but a little bit of salt yeah but you got to bring them back down you can't all be peak justin There's got to be valley in there somewhere.

Too true, Trev.

Too true.

How often we forget you got to go down to hell before you can get a little taste of heaven sometimes.

That's especially true in the Iron Temple that we called the gym.

Yep.

And the classroom.

Take it from me.

A guy is almost always about three feet away from something he bought to help him get stronger.

I'm never that far away from something.

Let's...

What do you guys want to do now?

Money zone.

Money zone, you got it, boss.

Come on.

Let's go.

It's gotta be here.

Well, dang it, it happened again.

During the money zone break, Justin and Travis accidentally crossed through the shadow gate.

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It's a digital picture frame named number one by Wirecutter.

Aura makes it incredibly easy to share unlimited photos and videos directly from your phone to the frame.

When you give Aura frame as a gift, you can personalize and preload it with a thoughtful message and photos using the Aura app.

And then whenever you have new photos that you want to upload, say of the grandkids for the grandparents or of your car to your friend who really likes your car, you could just update it through the app and then bing bang boom it just shows up right on their frame.

It's a really really great way to get photos of stuff people care about right into their homes.

And

it truly is a slick little thing and a great present.

We've given it to many people, and

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That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com, promo code MyBrother.

This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays.

Terms and conditions apply.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

All right, boys, how about another question?

Please.

Yeah.

I just read a nice text message from my girlfriend at the end of my bus ride to work.

When I was getting off, I went to say thank you to the driver, but I was also thinking about how much I love my girlfriend.

And instead of a thank you, I felt my lips start to purse up in a kissy shape.

Oh, wow.

I panicked and froze my lips in a 10% end of the kiss and just walked off without saying anything to him.

So crisis averted.

But what if I had blown a kiss to the bus driver?

What's the advice for after that?

For Gmail.

I, okay.

So I thought you were about to say that you told the bus driver you love me.

I love him.

And I started to say, I started to get this whole thing in my heart, like a really sincere thing.

Yeah.

About like, I think that's actually nice.

And I think we could do with more of that, honestly, just like telling people that we love them.

I think that that's yeah, strangers who would be made wildly uncomfortable by that.

Like, yeah, we should be saying that because that's your right.

I don't know about kissy face, huh?

That's tough, isn't it?

I would actually

want you guys right now to make your face into 10% of a kissy face.

Oh, yeah, that's awesome.

And tell me, if you saw a human being doing that,

is that better than seeing 100% kissy face?

This person is saying that they dodge the bullet.

I think they're saying, listen, I handled this perfectly.

No worries.

I want to see 10% of a kissy face.

I want to see 10% kissy face.

They do video out of it sometimes.

I don't know if you've been doing our YouTube channel lately.

We do do video sometimes.

Is that too much, Griffin?

What I'm doing here?

Show me?

Too much.

Way too much.

That's like 30 to 40% easy.

It's like, hold on.

I'm trying to find it.

Show me.

I feel like I'm moving a slider.

Justin, that sucks.

That's not kissing even a little bit at all.

Okay, wait.

Here's 100.

Show me.

That's 100.

That's 100.

You walk it work.

That's 10.

That's 10 right there.

That's 10?

That's 10.

No one's going to clock that.

No one's going to clock that.

Travis, you look pissed off at the bus driver.

That's why we're kissing with my eyes.

I would rather walk by the bus driver and go

than go.

That's my focus.

I can't help it.

That's why focus.

Okay, all right.

I just made a command decision.

Here's what you do: if you find your face going moi, the only shot you have is to just throw your hair, your right hand up and add the chef's kiss thing.

Right.

Just add a pin like

what a ride.

Smooth.

No bumps.

Not a pothole in sight.

Thank you, Daryl.

You've done it and you've masterfully done.

My compliments to the driver.

Lovely, lovely flight, boys.

Why were you making a kiss to your phone?

On a text message.

They were just, it's just the wires got mixed up, man.

That's pretty mixed up.

Those wires are, those wires come from different machines in two different buildings.

This of like, I'm texting my girlfriend.

I love her so much.

I'm thinking about how much I love her.

And

like, you don't, I feel like this happens to me all the time.

Not this exact thing, but I like listening to audiobooks while I drive.

And I have this compulsion that when it describes someone making a face or like reacting to something in a way, my face will like try to make that so I understand what they mean.

And I'm always so worried another driver next to me or somebody will see me making this face face and be like i think that man's guilty of murder right and uh i'm always so worried that i will be clocked as my face tries to replicate human emotion

god bless bus drivers god bless what a that's a hard job i think they don't get enough kisses blown at them we don't ask what we're saying we do not ask god to bless specific people and jobs enough and that's something that i feel like we could be way better about i think we could lean out of windows and bang positive pans at bus drivers more they be saying that people love that shit.

They do.

It's a good way of showing people you care about them to bang pots and pans

at 6:15 p.m.

Eastern Time.

It scares cats away and shows bus drivers you appreciate them.

That's right.

Two birds.

That's the rhythm of the city right there.

Okay.

Huh?

I want a munch.

Squad.

I want to munch.

Welcome to Munch Squad.

This podcast is the podcast profiling the latest and greatest brand eating.

Today's story comes to us from

cub reporter

Travis Patrick McElroy.

I mean, yeah, he sent me a good TikTok.

I'm serious, Griffin.

One in a million.

I almost chucked it into the dustbin of history with all the other ones and zeros.

He said, I like to save them all up.

I like to save them all up, the ones Travis sent sent us.

I knew Justin, so I actually wrote out a caption to it before I sent it.

That was like, this is what this is.

You had to pick it up and give a little and a little

so that he knew.

It's real.

It's a good one.

But this one for real.

This is an adjustment.

Do watch this one.

But do watch this one because

the story is that Pizza Hut is launching its own wine.

Yeah, man.

And Griffin.

Yeah.

It's made from tomatoes.

Why not?

This holiday season, Pizza Hut is elevating the art of holiday hosting and gifting with a twist on an iconic pairing, pizza and wine.

For the first time ever, Pizza Hut is stepping into the wine business by launching a pizza wine.

A unique limited edition tomato wine that captures the essence of your favorite slice at every sip.

To make any holiday gathering even more festive, Pizza Hut is bringing back its beloved triple treat box.

This holiday-ready meal, featuring two medium one-topping pizzas, breadsticks or cheese sticks, and a choice of dessert, comes packaged in a festive, holiday-themed box

with wine.

And there's wine, is, I guess, part of it.

Not enough people do that.

People talk about pairing wines with things, and it's usually about complimenting.

I want one-for-one wines, I want more one-for-one wines where it's like this wine goes great with this hamburger because it's made of ham because it's hamburger.

This is gonna love the wine.

This is hamburger wine.

It's wine.

Crafted from ripe, juicy tomatoes and infused with natural basil.

Tomato wine by pizza.

That's what it's called.

It's just called tomato wine by pizza hut.

They carried it so close to the goal line, and then they were like, I don't know, man.

I'm gonna hold on.

I'm gonna pull up tomato wine.

I think

I just googled tomato wine just to see if it's a thing.

I found a recipe for you can make tomato wine at home, and the like duration of time, how long it takes, is 672 hours and 25 minutes, which is perfect.

Can you guys see the little why is it so pale?

It's so pale.

Yeah, a lot of people in the lab noticed that we just kind of kept on going.

Sort of a rose.

Is it for gamers?

Sort of.

It's not.

It's made.

Oh, it's not for gamers.

They said explicitly gamers know.

Made in partnership with Kansas-based Irvines Just Beyond Paradise Winery.

Okay, Kansas-based Irvines Just Beyond Paradise Winery.

Kansas, Kansas-based

Irvines Just Beyond Paradise Winery.

A family-owned vineyard renowned for its creativity and passion.

I guess with the finest grapes Kansas can grow.

Well, Justin, we don't know that for sure.

We only know tomatoes.

Kansas might make grapes.

Oh, that's actually tomatoes.

Much better point.

Thank you.

I'm the dork because they don't need grapes for this wine.

Where we're going, we don't need grapes.

While crafted from tomatoes, the wine delivers a tasting similar to a white wine when enjoyed chilled.

That's because that's what I look for in my alcoholic beverages, being able to pretend there's something else if you get them cold enough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What happened to you?

They might as well have made that taste the same.

If you close your eyes,

though, made from tomatoes, it's not nearly as gross as you'd think.

No, it's better.

It's better than you think.

The wine delivers, okay, paired with any classic Pizza Hut pizza, including the signature one-topping pizzas that come with the festive triple treat box.

Listen, stop trying to talk to me about the triple treat box when you just invented pizza wine.

I'm not interested.

Yeah,

we kind of glossed over.

I want to hang a lantern on the we added basil to it aspect because they're not going for like this is a sweet this is like a fruity wine there's plenty of the blueberry wine strawberry wine it's we holiday

watermelon wine I guess and where and then you're just like no no no no no no we put basil in it yeah this is this is marinara sauce wine enjoy Let's say here, Pizza Hut is offering a limited edition set.

Oh, first, actually, let me read the quote here.

Quote, the holidays holidays are a time for many gatherings, but often the gift of a bottle of wine can feel expected.

Why not be the one to bring the pizza party with the gift of pizza wine?

Okay, and a triple treat box designed to ignite fun and conversation, says Pizza House director of advertising, Elise Slayton, who I'm guessing forgot this promotion was supposed to be about the triple treat box until she started writing this press release and realized, oh no, I completely forgot about the triple treat box.

I gotta mention that a few times.

I do love that

bringing up the idea of bringing this as like a host gift to a party does really clearly in my mind delineate groups of friends.

Absolutely.

Right.

Who I would feel so comfortable bringing a bottle of pizza wine to Justin.

Yes.

And be like, thank you so much for having me.

And that might be it, actually.

Justin might be the only person I know.

Yeah, don't you bring that shit to me.

I don't want joke food in my house.

Yeah.

It is sold out, by the way.

I know.

That's what sucks about all these, honestly.

As a brand who has pioneered many firsts in the industry, we took a beloved classic pairing of pizza and red wine.

And ruined it.

And ruined it.

And flipped it on his head as we aim to spark intrigue.

Your pizza hut.

Dope.

How about dope?

I don't want the mystery from you.

I don't want to eat pizza and think I'm intrigued.

Come on.

Go on.

And if you really wanted to flip it on our head, it would be pizza wine and red wine flavored pizza.

That would be cool.

Now, listen, this is,

I wasn't even going to talk about this because it's not funny, but

it's really cheesing me off.

Oh, pun intended.

It is, Travis, because this is the flavor of the month for Baskin Robbins.

It's cheese board-inspired.

What?

Brie, my guess.

Brie, my guess.

I fuck with this so hard.

No, it's gross.

Listen.

Oh, okay.

Weird.

Because I looked at it and I felt this thing and I was like, oh, that looks less.

Listen, listen, it's gross.

Wait till I tell you what's in it.

And then you're going to be be like, gross, okay?

Inspired by your cheese ward faves, Brie, my guess, is an unbelievable combination of Brie and Burata flavored ice creams mixed with almonds and pistachio pieces and apricot swirls.

Yeah.

I mean, fucking rab, dude.

Yes.

Absolutely.

Open your mind.

No, no, no, no.

This is good.

Which one's Burata again?

That's the one where it's two cheeses in one, where they have a softer cheese inside

a somewhat harder cheese.

I was worried that there was going to be like Capicola in it or something.

No, this looks good.

I'm not going to be able to do it.

I mean, how different is ice cream from cheese, really?

No, that's a good point.

It's funky, though.

It's funkier.

I mean, I would love to have a bite of ice cream and have a different new experience.

I would like to be intrigued by ice cream.

I guess some of us like grown-up ice cream.

I recently had a sour cream ice cream.

Sure, like made with sour cream.

It was great.

Don't show me this ice cream turkey again, Justin.

It's back.

No.

Don't bring this horse.

It's back.

It's back, bitch.

How dare you?

What's so weird that it says that in the press release?

That sucks.

Holiday gatherings are about sharing memorable experiences.

And our Bree, my guest, and turkey cake do just that, said Jared Grandinetti, vice president of marketing and culinary at Baskin Robbins.

Our new flavor of the month is a bold twist on the best parts of a cheese board that will delight your guests and spark conversations at the table.

None of these, none of these, none of it.

One of the things I've noticed in these press releases, Justin, none of them take into account the actual human experience of walking into a party filled with people you supposedly love and respect and saying, look what I've brought.

And so the idea that I'm going to bring in this ice cream turkey and be like, guys, I brought this.

I thought we'd all like it.

It's full of cheese ice cream.

I'm going to, I feel like I've got a pretty

like

settled.

If you bring pizza wine, that's great.

Very funny.

I'm kind of jealous you got onto it for me.

Yeah.

You bring a turkey cake, hilarious, quirky, adorable.

We love it.

And we're going to enjoy eating that too, which we want to enjoy the pizza wine.

If you bring both, you're making it about you.

And this is like, I worked really hard on the party to set a vibe and a tone.

And like.

The vibe could withstand pizza wine or ice cream cake, but when you bring both, you are threatening to make that evening a very youccentric thing.

You know what I mean?

It's going to be all about pizza.

Everyone else there is going to be thinking about what they brought and how it was wrong in some way.

Yeah.

If your option was even an option at all,

they are going to start thinking they have failed.

Because you're going to be like, oh, you made deviled eggs.

What did that flip on its head?

How was that intriguing?

How is that funny?

Yeah.

I'm also kind of mad if someone brings either of those items.

to my home for a party because how are you so certain that I did not procure my own pizza hut pizza corner

that would be my worry turkey cake you alive Justin let's put it this way let's say you're two best friends one brings pizza hut pizza wine yeah one brings a turkey shaped ice cream cake filled with cheese ice cream which one of those do you now love the most which friend do you love the most did you say it's cheese ice cream yeah it has the bream i guess inside of it absolutely not no no thank you jay dog so you've actually lost love for that one jay dog if i say no i'll drink your stinky funky wine no because at least at least wine always tastes at least wine always tastes bad you know what I mean at least all at least wine always tastes like funky old rotten grapes

not this one Justin not this one Justin funky old rotten fruit this is gonna blow your mind Justin

rotten fruits I don't want that cheesy you're gonna put that in your mouth and not know exactly how cheesy it's gonna taste it could taste a little cheesy or it could taste a lot it's either gonna be overwhelming or disappointing it's gonna be disappointing it's basketball that's what it it says on the sign.

I wish you'd open your heart to cheese cream.

It is good sometimes.

And I think you would.

I think you hate cheese, though.

I'm forgetting because you don't like soft cheese.

I hate raw cheese.

This isn't raw.

It's frozen.

It's frozen.

I recently, it's true.

I recently had a dream come true.

I'll be paid $300 to eat a new Tyco Bell item and then share my thoughts in a focused group of 10 to 15 people.

God, I'd love to do that.

You did say Tycoe College.

They should let you pay to do that.

They should let you pay to be in product research.

I am aware I'm taking part in something larger than myself.

How can I best represent the needs and desires of all people on planet Earth when determining the future of Taco Bell offerings?

Liv Moss from Jacob K.

P.S.

I will be trying the, and I cannot believe you were allowed to tell us this.

We don't know that they aren't.

The chicken alpastor street chalupas.

Wow, those sound fucking looking forward to it.

Yeah.

I, everybody in a testing scenario in a fast food place is going to be thinking about one factor, and it's the novelty of the flavor.

They want new experiences.

They're thinking about deliciousness.

I'll tell you what I would love people at Taco Bella start thinking about a little bit more is the fucking mess factor.

Yes.

Because I'm not buying Taco Bell because I'm going home to put it on porcelain plates.

I'm not.

You know how I'm eating it and it's with a napkin on my lap.

In your car.

Maybe, maybe my car where it belongs.

When you try it and you turn your head to the side so that you don't spill taco everywhere, grab your neck in pain and say, ah, Taco Neck.

I've got a bad case of Taco Neck.

that's funny get them to bring back taco neck syndrome get them to get back in the commercials please oh god oh man yeah if you could be the person to bring back taco neck syndrome do you the amount of pressure i would feel in a taco bell focus group to try and do a good job but also get my own sort of personal agenda across the line as much as is possible for the for the many things I would love Taco Bell to start doing again.

You guys started putting Doritos flavor on shit and then you stopped?

What if, okay, but this is where it talk about the pressure, man.

What if you had they never stopped.

They'll never stop.

They don't do Cool Ranch no more, do they?

No, I think they still do.

They still do Cinnamon Twist.

Yeah, you can get cinnamon twists.

It would be so much pressure to think about the idea that what if I had been in the room where it was like

seven layer crunch wrap or like one of the great, like one of the greats, and I had been just having a bad day, or what if I had like

COVID?

You know what I mean?

And it tasted bad to me.

That's the only reason Cool Ranch Dorito tacos, locos tacos, got shut down is because COVID made them taste so fucked up and weird.

And that's like the number one

thing that it took from me personally, I will say.

Yeah.

Why don't you throw out something like, what if you put the vegetables on the outside?

That's now here's the thing.

It doesn't make sense, but people in the fast food industry love that kind of innovative out-of-the-box thinking.

And now you're the CEO of Taco Bell.

You're having a lot of fun, Travis.

You're thinking outside the bun, Griffin.

No.

That is what Taco Bell looks like.

Hey, to Travis's point, I'm sorry, Griff, but

not for show, not a joke, send jokes out of the room.

Were I in this scenario, I would be thinking of anything I could do to get them to do, say one thing like, this kid's got some.

That's what I'm saying.

I want one like, ooh, yeah.

Okay.

I like that.

like one Taco Bell, like, pattern.

I want just one thumbprint on the moon, you know what I mean?

Just one little, one little click.

I know that movie fans at home sometimes they sit back and they think, that one guy who got his dick out in the background of Teen Wolf, what was he thinking?

You guys are talking about getting your dick out as an extra in Teen Wolf.

If you say, what if you put the vegetables on the outside?

The person running the focus group would be like, get your things, stand up, and leave.

You're going to

blow this fucking opportunity for yourself if you joke around and say, put the vegetables.

This is what I'm saying.

I would have to get across, put Dorito's flavor, put the Cool Ranch Dorito's flavor that's so funky and stinky on it without getting kicked out of the room.

Having to talk about it.

What if we made the cheese pink and like the wrap green and tied it in with Wicked?

That's not your job to think about as a person who's being paid $300 to eat a taco.

Wait, are you saying in your head, Canon, here, someone in a focus group could be like, hey, have you guys thought I'll tie this in with Wicked?

Right.

It's not what you're focused.

Did you guys know Wicked's coming out?

You're not doing anything about it.

And they're like, oh, shit.

Thank God you're here.

Now you're CEO of Taco Bell.

I mean, not right away, obviously.

I would like to add the Barbersville

Ulta employees.

I want to add them to my long list of local people that I've complained to about how many wicked things are for sale in town.

Sorry, this lady at at CVS.

Sorry, the lady at Ulta Beauty.

Box lunch staff.

I always say sorry to you anyway.

Thank you.

Sorry so much.

Sorry.

Did we sorry Spencer's gifts?

I was confused.

Sorry.

I laughed so hard I threw up.

It asked me to leave.

So I'm sorry, Spencer's.

It was just a really good federal volume inspector.

It's hysterical.

When we talked about the wicked times, by the way, did we talk about the hotels that made a green and pink room?

Okay.

Yes.

That's fantastic.

Let's wrap things up.

Let's do it.

Hey, that's another good thing to say in a Taco Bell Focus group.

Yes, more wraps, Travis.

Yeah, maybe a second layer of wrap around it.

Do a push

situation.

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast.

We hope you're Taco Bell Protein Powder.

Okay, go on.

Hey,

happy belated Thanksgiving.

Our annual podcast, Till Death of the Splar, that we do with Tim Bat and Guy Montgomery is available now.

It is the 10th anniversary.

It is the most fun

episode in,

I can't tell you how long.

It was a good watch.

Top 10 for sure.

It was a great watch this year.

Top 10, Trav.

Easily top 10.

And this year's Candlelight Spectacular.

It's coming out next week, December 14th at 9 p.m.

You can get tickets to watch that.

It's pre-recorded, but it's going to be streamed live so everybody can watch it together the first time.

Get your tickets at bit.ly slash candlenights tickets 2024.

And then that's going to be available until January 4th for video on demand and re-watch if you wish to.

There's a Candlelights poster and ornament available now designed by Matt H.

Taylor.

And all proceeds from the show and the merch are going to Harmony House, which works to end homelessness in the Huntington area through permanent housing and supportive service programs.

We got it.

Go check that out.

Bit.ly slash candlelight tickets 2024.

We got some other merch up in the merch store over at MacGoryMerch.com.

We got a final fungalore pen by Dano Wagner.

Final Fungalore sounds cool.

Maybe that'll be next year.

His next form.

His next.

Yes, as he evolves.

Also, all dice in the shop are 20% off.

Don't forget to get your fungalore merch before the year ends and we retire it to the Disney Vault.

10% of all merch sales this month will also be donated to Harmony House.

So go check all that out.

And thank you to Montane for the youth of our theme.

Next for the youth, Montane.

You fill the youth.

Youth of our youth.

My life is better with you.

Go check it out.

It's on Spotify.

I'm pretty sure they're working on some new music, if I'm not mistaken.

It might be making that up.

I've seen some teasers.

I've seen some teasers and some

lives.

If you're not subscribed to Montane's whatever Instagram newsletter thing, join us.

It's good shit.

There's good shit on there.

Montane also streams.

Follow them on Twitch and stuff.

Go do it.

Hey, speaking of streaming, can I do this wish from Fungalore?

Oh, sorry.

Shit.

Oh, shit.

Fungalore sent this one in to wish to himself, I guess.

Wow, amazing.

No, this is from a listener.

Sound me.

I wish I could stream Matlock with Andy Griffith without ads.

It's just McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

My brother, my brother, me.

Kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

My life.

It's better, it's better with you.

It's better.

My life.

It's better, it's better with you.

Is it true?

It's better, it's better with you.

My life.

It's better with you.

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