MBMBaM 735: Face 2 Face: Take Me to Monster World, Pregnant Sully

The McElroy brothers are not experts,

and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show is not for kids.

I mentioned that only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for watching.

What's up,

you cool babies?

One, two, three, four.

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life

with you.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to my brother Marianne and my show for the moderator.

I'm your oldest brother, Dustin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

I'm your middlest brother, Travis Big Dog, Woof Woof McElroy.

My fight or flight response has been activated.

Hello, I'm the sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 media luminary, Griffin McElroy.

That's wild, y'all.

That's a dangerous expectation for how well the show is going to

I was going to phone it in.

There was a vibe backstage

of

this may be the cursed one.

Just one in every tour, and we're only doing two shows this tour.

And it didn't happen last night.

It didn't happen last night.

You look around, you don't see the cursed one at the table.

It's probably you.

I think...

Do you want to explain why you might be the cursed one at this table, Justin?

I don't think, I mean, okay, so normally I wear more of a mushroom thing,

and uh, I didn't this time uh because I went to go change into my mushroom clothes and I found that my darn cat pissed on him

that darn cat, aw man, which sucks because that means that I use this nation's transportation system to haul piss soap

jammy shorts all the time.

The carbon footprint of those piss shorts can never be made.

I hauled those through Mickey Mouse's house.

I hauled my cats piss shorts.

So I just turned around and didn't have anything to wear.

And I felt a little bit uncomfortable, but then I thought,

it's not about clothes with these people.

They're here for me.

Not about buttons or tags.

Not about boxes or bags.

Yeah.

There's a guy in front of me a lot at Disney World, and he looked about right for one of our fans, you know, and he had,

you know, and he like he fights forest fires on the side.

You look like the Pope right now, my man.

You're doing it so fucked up.

It's just a, I didn't want to, okay, listen.

And he had mushrooms on his backpack and I kept kind of leaning in a way so he would see it was me

just in case, but he didn't seem to acknowledge me.

So he may just be a guy who looks like he would like my podcast and also does like mushrooms.

Just a regular guy like that not a guy who knows who i am sometimes before a live show we'll say what are we going to do for the intro yeah and then we'll throw out some ideas and normally one catches and we're like that's it and sometimes

sometimes people what happens is without any conversation about it we'll all just part ways without deciding what the intro is going to be.

It's a high-stakes game.

Yeah, for sure.

There's no decision made made of, we'll, no one even says we'll figure it out later.

The tone that Justin used to tell us that his cat had pissed on his costume and therefore he would be costumeless tonight,

I immediately had to tell him was incorrect.

It was very apologetic.

You have given us the gift of shit to talk about

in the introduction of the show.

I was so embarrassed because I felt like these are just my running around clothes.

These are my formal Oliver Print button downs, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you feel like between this and Count Donut Capes that maybe your cat hates my brother and me?

Yeah.

My cat loves Adam Corolla.

It's weird.

It's my only thing my cat likes.

This is still an advice show.

And I know and I feel like

them take it away from us.

No, and I'm tired of losing sight of that.

You pointed at people in the front row so you can see that.

I tried to angle up slightly.

This orchestra section.

Yeah, this outlet you.

Yeah.

No, hey, actually, you bought one of our t-shirts, so not you.

That's cool.

Okay.

Not wearing our merch.

Hey, listen, this is a question that we got from the actual audience members that are here gathered with us today, I hope.

And we're going to read the first one now.

My partner and I moved into a new apartment last month.

We share a wall with one neighbor who we've only ever had brief and infrequent interactions with.

My partner has sleep apnea and believes that our apartment neighbor does too because he can hear him snoring at night.

I've never heard it.

My partner's life has improved greatly since he started using his CPAP, and he feels, you know, where this is going just then, right?

And feels like he should help out our neighbor by suggesting that he get screened.

How can he do this without embarrassing our neighbor and himself?

That's from Heather.

Are you here?

Hey.

Hey.

We should

normalize punching a hole in the wall of your bedroom to...

Let's not say punching a hole in the wall because that's never cool.

But like carefully.

Cutting with a tool.

Cutting a hole.

Is that better, Travis?

Cutting with a tool, a hole in the wall.

Better than me, like,

I lost the game of Fortnite.

Punch.

Yeah.

But we should normalize having little windows into our neighbors.

Your houses, and then that way, and it's like a hotel adjoining, like you both have to open the door in order to like get a a hangout.

It's not full-size, right?

No, like yay big.

Yay, big.

A porthole, really, if you think about it on a submarine ship.

It's kind of like after you sit next to someone on an airplane, there's a little part of you that would love to ask, like,

does everything seem normal?

Like, what are you going to, how are you going to describe me to people who ask?

Like, what are you, what's going to be the thing where you're like, There was more of this than I was expecting.

What do I do that's weak?

Right.

What is my going?

How am I stepped outside the lines?

Because I'd like to just be invisible to you on an airplane.

You should start bringing comment cards with you on airplanes.

That guy next to, there was a guy behind.

And then ask him, what's weird about me?

And they're like, well, I know the first thing.

Yeah.

There was a guy.

There was a guy who got Travis so good today on the plane from Orlando because we were like split between

seats and the way the seats were.

She made a macro sandwich.

We were towards the front, so like the seats were narrowing.

So there was just like two in front of us.

So Travis didn't have a seat in front of him to put his stuff underneath.

And then the guy in front of him, Travis, said, like, can I put this underneath here?

And the guy was like, yeah, sure, no problem.

So Travis puts his bag with all his entertainment underneath here.

And then this dude immediately, like, like fucking Kreskin and just hypnotized him, falls straight asleep, like out.

Alcohol.

Also, like feet.

On my bag.

Yes, feet.

As if it was like I had to get something from underneath Cerebus's paw.

Yeah.

You know?

Absolutely.

Stone cold locked Travis out of all of his entertainment for the entirety of the flight.

On my flight out of DC.

I didn't even have a screen.

Don't even have a screen in front of me.

I was in hell.

On the flight.

I have ADHD.

On the flight out of DC, I was sitting next to a man who was watching Austin Powers, the first Austin Powers on the biggest laptop I'd ever seen in my life.

And I kept stealing glances because fucking, of course I am.

But I think he clocked me because

I kept looking over and then it got to the scene with the Finbots where Austin Powers, if you haven't seen the film, there's this really fucking funny part where these sexy lady androids try to kill Austin Powers, but he acts so sexy, like touching his nipples and doing some personal touch play that makes them so robot horny they explode.

And Griffin, are they trying to kill him with like guns that are in their hands?

No, it's far more crass than that, I'm afraid.

Anyway, that's he starts going and he just closes his laptop.

Yes, yes, yes.

And I felt like I had denied

a true brother in this world

one of the sweetest pleasures.

But I do think we should have little...

You forget that, that you are legally allowed to watch Austin Powers on any screen you want.

Getting back to the little bread.

They can't

getting back to the little windows in your bedroom that way you could just kind of sneak the the mask down and lower it like a

i don't

i just think i've been trying to do a lot of calculations in my head and i don't think there's a way of telling the neighbor that you can hear them snoring without them knowing that you can hear them snoring right so there's just for them to to get the information they also have to live the information that they are snoring so loud that it is keeping the neighbor who also has a machine hooked up to him awake, right?

It's really, really quite bad.

Is there a way to reverse engineer it where you go to them and say, hey, I hope that my partner's snoring and CPAP machine that's changed his quality of life

doesn't keep you awake at night.

Yeah, he has snoring problem.

Yeah, you might hear it.

And then he got a CPAP and everything's better.

Everything's everyone.

Which is screening.

No, no, no, which is it?

Is it that you may hear their snoring or that their CPAP machine chaser lives?

You might hear him using his CPAP machine and then waking up and going, Wow!

I've never felt so good.

Travis is also suggesting this CPAP machine is audible through two drywalls,

which

I've been.

Well, it runs on a generator.

It's a diesel sound.

I'm not super familiar with the machinery.

A lot of gears, I assume.

If a CPAP machine showed up at your front door,

would you adopt it?

Would you?

I mean, would you?

I'd try it.

I don't think I'd put all this stuff on right, but like, I'd give it a whirl.

Seems good to me.

Boxed up new?

Boxed up new, dude.

Shrink wrap remote mint condition.

So you think

one good way of doing this might be to spend hundreds of thousands, if not thousands of dollars, site.

There's no way a CPAP costs that much, dude.

In this country, we got you.

And Justin,

I guess the question is, Justin, what's a human quality of life worth, huh?

Yeah.

I don't know why you'd have to put a price on it.

No.

Neighbor, caring about neighbor.

No.

Yeah, but let's get down to dollar signs, am I right?

No, because what you're trying to say.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're spending the money to avoid having to tell another human being a thing.

That's a very good point.

The virtuousness of this is.

Yeah, the other thing is like, do you want this?

Like, you could just talk to him about it.

Yeah.

Hey, there's also a part of this that you don't want to hear your neighbor snoring anymore, right?

Yeah, for sure.

That's an element of it.

Yeah, obviously.

Then just say you think there's squirrels in the walls and you got a special machine that keeps them safe from squirrels at night.

It protects your face

You can put it out in front of their house and leave a note and be like, hey, we're spraying the whole place for bugs tonight.

This special machine.

What do you think a CPAP machine is?

This bargain basement miracle machine protects, fixes your sleep and also filters out poison gas.

Like, what do you think it is?

These things are amazing.

It's amazing and so affordable.

How are they getting away with this?

How much could a CPAP cost?

$10?

you don't know we're not talking about a top-of-the-line apap no cpap

my

my boyfriend's family is taking me to halloween horror nights in orlando next month

i'm ecstatic to go however i'm 21 years old have never been to any haunted house before scared of people running and feeling very nervous.

We'll come back to that middle one.

There, can I say,

as a birds with anxiety, there's worse fears to have because why are they running?

Hmm.

And feeling very nervous.

I need to look brave in front of the family that I just met.

Brothers, any advice to build up my courage and maintain my bravery at the theme park?

That's from Halloween Help Me Nights.

Are you here?

Hi.

You sound pretty brave to me.

Yeah, just from that.

For the record.

I would be willing to bet that you being brave in the face of scariness isn't what they're hoping the reaction would be.

I think that when somebody invites you to go to a like haunted house or horror-themed event with them,

they want to see you get scarcity.

Everyone wants a friend in the group, or I guess maybe a future daughter-in-law

who

gets very scared at things very, very easily.

Yeah.

There it is.

There it is.

That's the end of that thought.

I think what you need to work on is appropriate response because there is an amount, there's a scared reaction that on the fifth or sixth time it happens, the rest of the group's like, we get it.

Yeah, yeah, we get it.

So here's what I'd like to suggest.

And this is a rare vintage, and people don't do this enough.

Okay.

Like, here comes like Jason or Freddie or whatever, and you just go, oh no,

oh, no, it's Jason.

Oh, not Jason.

Oh, no.

I

misidentify them some of the time.

Just to like, like, you see Freddy Krueger and you're like, uh-oh, here comes Jason.

Look out, everyone.

Not Jason again.

And see the mummy, and you're like, another Jason?

I'm pretty sure that if I did this, I would be very scared by something that I'm worried it would be like Beetlejuice and Beetlejuice would come out of nowhere and be like,

back from the dead or whatever it is.

And I would hit him in his face.

Like, cause I'd be so scared.

Or like the little Megan girl.

Yeah.

Like, she would come up to me and be like,

got me knives.

And I was like, yeah.

Dude, killer Megan impression.

I know you've been working on it.

Got me knives.

She'd watch my TikTok dance.

I do think that more of those scarers in those things should respond better too.

Oh, no, thank you.

I'm assuming though.

that's where I'm at.

I've only done Disney stuff, so I'm assuming that it's like you're not accidentally going to get scared unless you stay in live for 20 minutes, right?

Like, yeah, like I imagine seeing Megan just running around would be like massive, right?

Nobody's gonna, I don't think they're just running around and gonna surprise you with that.

You've gotta be ready for it.

If you really want a life hack that's gonna get you through this scare-free, when the mummy jumps out of his twisted sarcophagus and starts chasing you through the park, you just think this

person is at work right now.

You see a Dracula and your forebrain is going to be like,

he's going to bite me and kill me and take my blood and turn me into a Dracula too.

But instead, you could say, you're at work right.

You drove here to go to work today.

That Dracula's clocked in.

I am a customer of this haunting.

That Dracula has to ask to take bathroom breaks.

That Dracula is going to take a shit at some point in the near future.

You could probably think that about most Draculas, though.

I've worked at a lot of haunted houses, and you can just make sure I'm behind the mask.

It's just me.

I don't actually, as I said it out loud, know if that makes it more or less scary.

We've also gotten questions from people who work in haunted houses who are like, I'm so nervous.

I'm not going to scare anyone.

So there is another person in there with you.

And it's not the

mummies.

This always gets so fucking confusing.

Mummies are real.

However,

they won't kill you to take their organs to bring their wife back from the dead or whatever.

The fact that that happens one time

and pretty soon.

The fact that Halloween Horror Nights continues to exist is proof that monsters aren't real.

Because I think that would be the number one place to kill and eat people.

Yeah.

And they're like, oh, the best place to kill and eat?

I know it will.

Halloween horror nights, they will stand in a line and you can just walk up to them and take a picture with you.

They'll take a picture with you and they'll send it to you and then you can kill them and their friend will laugh or whatever, but it's the best place.

The number of peer-reviewed reporting I would need to see when I heard the news report, Wolfman kills and eats someone at Hollywood horror nights for my gut reaction not to be like, uh sure

you're laying it on a little cake, Hollywood horror nights.

Go ahead and buy a ticket if it's all the same to you.

Thank you.

You guys are getting me pretty spooked talking about like it could happen.

They're all at work.

That's right.

I feel better now.

Sorry, were you trying to segue to me?

No, I was really getting spooked.

I don't like the idea.

I don't like the idea of there being one real monster among all those fake monsters.

Okay, well, we're now you're undoing the good work we've done.

You started it!

Got a good point.

That is a fair point, actually.

Don't go!

You've really turned on this.

This is a different direction.

That's my only advice to most things I don't want to do.

There's lots of other stuff.

You can go to the Dr.

Seuss part.

Not haunted.

Not haunted at all.

I bet also, like zero lines if i had to guess you can oh the rides you can ride or whatever the different rides are there i don't know

guys i'm so sorry i don't normally do this but i i drank a lot of water before the show and so i just need to riddle me piss

Riddle me piss, boy.

Oh, fuck, that's right.

We have to actually do the segment now.

Do you want to say what Riddle Me piss is in case it's people's first seems pretty self-explanatory no it doesn't man

i scoured riddles.com to find the perfect brain teaser and crowd pleaser

and i'm gonna read it to my brothers and they're gonna answer i don't see this is the most infuriating this is the most the least winnable game of all of our wonderful little games it's about having a good time together yeah sure katie and vicky are sitting together on a park bench i'm gonna write this down Katie is texting her friends while Vicki is applying her makeup.

Who's more likely to be robbed?

Katie.

Vicki has a mirror.

Ooh, that's good.

But Vicki could also be doing eyeliner and have eyes closed, which I think do you

okay, no?

When I had theater stage eyeliner put on me when I was a child I closed my fucking eyes I'm not trying to get stabbed in the eye with a pencil.

Are you out of your mind?

I just always applied mine with my CPAP machine.

I was just

Would you say you said Vicky or you said Katie?

I'm gonna say Vicki

Justin is correct

And

for the reasoning that they that they get that the that Katie has the mirror, or Vicki has the mirror, but this concerned me because this implies that anytime someone's doing makeup in a compact mirror, it's about half makeup and half looking for robberies.

I'm red.

Everybody's watching for robberies.

So wait, Justin got it exactly right?

Yeah, I think the game's dead.

I'm not kidding.

I think this is the last riddle me piss.

I think Justin's freed me from this.

I don't want to do it either.

It's the most work I do on any set of things.

It's really, guys.

Like, I am

having a moment up here.

Hey, but this is it, though.

This is literally it.

Hour of scrolling through that damn website.

I've never done this.

Once we solve one of these using logic and reason, the whole concept of the bit fucking crumbles to me.

I'm free.

Now I can focus more on play along at home and work afar.

Yeah, sure.

Now listen.

Maybe go back to the next one.

I would like to ask.

Can we just have a moment of silence?

Because this will be the, that was the last ever real me piss.

They don't like it.

Hey, if you could, come on.

Come on.

Just want.

Just even the titter.

Even that much.

Hey, Juice, the vibe sucks.

Turns out when you make the audience be quiet for a while.

Step in just one moment.

I don't like it, man.

Just one second.

It's okay to be in this place.

It's vulnerable.

It's not, man.

It's just that

they paid to be here.

So it's vulnerable money.

Don't be afraid.

I'm not afraid.

I just don't like it.

Every now and then on my way home from work, I pass a school that has a snow cone truck out front serving kids and staff.

This is not in a gated area.

And I could easily park up and just walk up to the truck.

My question is, can I just get a snow cone and leave even though it's on school ground?

Is there anything I could say or do that would maximize my chance to get a snow cone and not ask to leave?

That's from snow cones down south.

Are you here?

Hey, what's up?

I mean, my gut reaction is

like jean shorts and suspenders with a little propeller hat and a big lollipop.

Classic stuff.

Backpack, walking in.

Man,

Mrs.

Norris was really busting our balls today, huh, guys?

She bigged me again.

Sorry, guys, it's me.

John, Johnny, do you have a Johnny?

Yep, I got bigged.

Got bigged again.

Nothing a snow cone won't help.

Yeah, you could do, you know, like when you see in a movie and there's like a New York street scene and like important business guy comes up, he's got his phone on his ear, and he's like ordering a hot dog from a hot dog cart, but he's also, you could tell guy important business going on.

You could do that.

A snow cone walk up, like, oh, yeah, just one tiger's tiger's blood please thank you so much yeah yeah no i know

make it germane to school though and be like these textbooks we're not gonna pay full price no way these jans sports are faulty one tiger's blood thank you so wait what is your job in the fiction like what is your in make making sure the the jan sports aren't faulty fucking justin

Sorry, dude, I'll make sure that I yeah, no, I'll make sure I Phoenix Wright cross-examine all your great characters too, motherfucker.

I'm just curious why he's at the school

inspecting the fucking Jan Sports.

He just said they were faulty.

So he got a call and he said, The principal said, I think these Jan Sports are faulty.

He said, I'll be right there.

Another one.

And all of this.

This is the third faulty Jan Sports this week.

I'm not done.

Give me a snow gone.

Does he work for Jan Sports?

He's a contractor.

He works for the books, but he works for the books.

He works for the books.

The Jan Sports all tore open and all the books fell in the rain and mud.

Now they need new books, but they're sure is not paying full goddamn price on them.

Are you satisfied now, Justin?

Because he's doing a class action lawsuit against Jansport.

No, no, no.

But you said he represents the books.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So the books are doing the lawsuit.

The family of the books.

Because the books are ruined,

books are suing Jan Sport.

They all tore open and they fell in the mud.

One other thing you could do is fall over and cry.

That's huge.

Nobody wants to see that.

An adult man just crying and you got to really skin your knees something bad and they're like, would anything help?

I can't think of you.

Oh, this part's important.

You can't immediately be like, Tiger's blood snow cone.

He'll know.

You got to make it work for it, or they might be like, well, do you have $5?

Like, if you want them to pay, you gotta really make it their idea.

I hurt my knees.

Just words are bad.

Everything's gone wrong.

I tripped over the money books.

It's the worst day of my life.

I got big books of money.

Just worry about my knees.

I think it should be free.

You're right, Dr.

Snow Cone.

My mouth is so hot.

Please.

That's why people eat snow cones, right?

Their mouths get a little too hot.

I put something icy in there.

Recently, a new employee joined our team in his introduction.

I revealed he was once the mayor of a small town.

He revealed he was once the mayor of a small town.

That would be what I know you

sometime later.

I jokingly called him Mr.

Mayor in the meeting, and everyone laughed.

Now, everyone calls him Mr.

in every meeting and at every opportunity.

I feel bad about saddling him with the nickname.

How do I go about fixing it or making it up to him?

That's from Mason the Mayor Maker.

Are you here?

You monster.

No, I'm just kidding.

Hey, Mason, what's it like to hear a room full of people react that way?

Dude, it can't be great.

Because you were probably hoping for like a, oh, Mason kind of reaction.

And what you got was a, oh god

I actually heard someone sitting close to us go what

But it's okay.

We're gonna help you.

That's what we do here.

But first before we help you we got to talk more about how bad you fucked up

Yeah Mason the only thing that is immediately springing to mind is the possibility that you yourself could get elected to office in some capacity.

Because that's the only like

Mr.

Treasurer or you know what I i mean like whatever like mr

and then you go around the office you're like did everyone hear the news now i'm mr mayor so don't call the other guy that anymore please he's mr governor now yeah do you know actually todd was um

ejected from office in disgrace so he wasn't even mayor that long so it doesn't even make sense i caught you buddy call him mr mayor at all embezzlement nothing weird

I can't yet, man, that would be great if you were Mr.

Mayor in the workplace and you embezzled and and they're like, hey, stop.

And you'd be like, oh, you can't do that?

I did it all the time when I was the mayor.

I thought it was cool.

I thought it was cool.

This is a crime?

Holy crap.

Hey, guys, don't tell anyone back home, okay?

Yeah.

I bet the boss man probably doesn't feel too good about that.

Oh, I would hate that.

Can you imagine if some other employees start getting called Mr.

Mayor around you?

The boss?

I'm the boss around.

I thought I was Mr.

Mayor.

How can you fix it?

you might not be able to

quit you have to convince him it's a good it's a good thing that he's called Mr.

Mayor call him or or change it to mr.

May not

I don't think that it's may or may not yeah what if he starts you can make say that enough and they're gonna come up with nicknames for you now

now the heat's on you Is there something to eating sandwiches with like a lot, a noticeable lot amount of mayonnaise on it?

And so then you also respond when people say Mr.

Mayor because you think they're about to start saying Mr.

Mayonnaise, which is your nickname.

Then eventually everyone in the office gets so tired of it that they stop using nickname.

An email blast goes out workplace-wide.

Guys, we're just done doing nicknames.

The Mr.

Mayor, Mr.

Mayonnaise thing is just too fucking much for me.

The nickname thing was funny at first.

We all liked it.

It's gotten too confusing.

I don't know who anybody is anymore.

We got to go back to our original name.

You have to invent a system, a very very confusing system of nicknames for everybody.

You're so good at it with Mr.

Mayor.

You're going to take another pass, give everyone in the office a new.

This is Mr.

Major, and that's Mr.

Manor,

and it's all that.

It's all that.

I own an SUV.

Okay.

Since purchasing this UV.

Anyways, back to the Mayor question.

I want to try to get this one in.

I own an SUV.

Since purchasing this SUV, I've made certain changes to the vehicle in order for me to go camping on it.

These are things such as a fan, air mattress, storage compartments, etc.

However, now that I have things the way that I would like them for camping, it makes a perfect spot for me to take a nap on my lunch break, one hour when at work.

God, that's a good, God, that's a good situation.

The thing is, occasionally, I have fellow co-workers or managers who know I take a nap in my car and will tap or bang on the windows to disturb me.

That's a good thing.

No real Mason response there, huh, guys?

Brothers, how do I get the tapping/slash banging on my windows to stop?

That's from cruising snooze.

Are you here?

All right.

Yeah, that's so

mean.

Wait, I need just one point of clarification that I was curious about.

Do they knock on your windows because they need you for something, need to ask you something, or just to be jerks and wake you up?

Or because they think that you have mysteriously died

again.

They don't need you.

Okay, listen.

That was the most.

The response there, if you didn't hear it on.

You didn't hear it on Mike, but the question asker just said they don't need me in a real Eeyore kind of way.

It's a very Eeyore sort of fashion.

We are in your corner.

We're on your side.

There doesn't seem to be enough room in there for all of us in your corner.

You're kind of snuggled up in your air mattress there.

Solo, but we'll climb in.

They might be doing this so that you will stop because they don't like it when you do it.

Because it makes them jealous?

Weird.

It seems weird to them that you're doing it.

Might be one thing.

Great, I think.

I'm not against it.

I don't work there, though.

They're uptight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You need to get more of a nap kind of culture going in your office.

Why aren't they doing this?

You're a revolutionary.

Can you put a sign up in the window that is like

they're okay, the AC is running, they're listening to their favorite music.

It's all fine.

Can you put up screens in the window that look like the inside of your car, but not with you in it?

Could you have sort of an EKG machine show your vital statistics at all times?

Can you drive your car?

Can you have like a live-in nurse in there with you at all times going,

all good?

Can you just drive your car around the corner a little bit so they can't find you?

Oh, isn't that your bed moves?

You can hide it.

Awesome.

Hide your bed anywhere you want.

When you see them coming, you spring up.

You have some alert system going.

When they get in proximity, you hop up, you move the car away away from them.

If they want to get you, they got find you.

These are all really good answers.

This turned out to be a real.

Just go to their house when they're sleeping, knock on their windows.

Yeah.

That's excellent.

How do you like that, Dave?

Oh, this is in Dave's house?

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Where's Dave living?

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, Mrs.

Dave.

It won't happen again.

You just, you looked really uncomfortable and hot and sweaty, and so I was worried about the heat stroke.

I'm gonna go.

I'm leaving now.

All right.

Hey, listen, we hate to interrupt a show, but we got bills to pay.

We got mouths to feed.

We got food to sell, dude.

Man, I've been feeding my bills and paying my mouths.

Well, listen, that's weird that the ads are about what they're about this week because we did a theme thing.

We didn't even make it.

Oh, wow, you're right.

It's good, right?

Factor means real good.

Factor means convenience.

Factor means nutrition.

Factor means delicious, though, more than anything.

You want to try some delicious fall foods?

Savor the bounty of fall.

I thought you were actually asking me.

I was so confused.

Do you want to savor the bounty of fall?

But

you want them with fresh, never-frozen meals that pair perfectly with your busy schedule.

Factor will send you these delicious chef-design meals that you can get ready in just two minutes and enjoy every last bite.

Now we're not talking about gross, reheated, nothing food.

We're talking about black and salmon, filet mignon, shrimp, real ingredients, Griffin.

Filet mignon, but that's the best meat there is.

Yes, Griffin, the finest meat.

And it is all quite good, I will say.

And it's nice to eat something that doesn't feel crappy for you that just takes a couple of minutes to put together.

It's very nice.

How do I get this stuff, Juice?

Do I gotta fight you for it?

No, no, absolutely not.

I'd prefer you didn't.

You just head on over to factor meals.com slash brother50 and use code brother50 to get 50% off your first box and 20% off your next month.

Whoa.

That's code brother50 at factormeals.com slash brother50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month.

If I'm going to get training lessons for the big fight I have coming up against you for all this food, I'm gonna need to work on my finances.

You had clarified.

And Rocket Money is the vehicle, is the vessel into which I will pour my fighting skill that I'm earning at the gym for you to steal food from you.

That's right.

Rocket Money.

It's a personal finance app that does a whole lot of stuff to help you get your money under control.

One of the big things, you got any subscriptions you forgot about?

Almost certainly you do.

It's 2024.

You're subscribed to 60 things and you only use nine of them.

Good news.

Rocket Money is here to help.

It goes through, says like, hey, you haven't been paying, you haven't been using this, you know, spaghetti of the month club.

Get rid of that.

And you're like, oh, hell yeah.

And then all of a sudden, that's $50 a month.

You're back in your pocket.

Yeah, it's expensive.

It's the spaghetti's good.

Yeah, for sure.

But $50 a month is too much, I would say.

They can also help you, you know, track your spending, come up with a budget, and give you full control of all of it right from your phone.

Fantastic.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and have saved a total of 500 million bucks in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com/slash my brother.

That's rocketmoney.com/slash my brother.

One last time, rocketmoney.com/slash my brother.

Here's the rest of the show.

Enjoy.

I hope you like it.

What's up, people of the world?

It's Mark and Hal from We Got This with Mark and Hal.

The show that settles those pointless arguments that you and your friends have.

Should you put ketchup on a hot dog or liquid, foam, or bar soap?

And our 500th episode of We Got This with Mark and Hal is available now.

It is super sized and a ton of fun.

Yeah, we've got guests coming back from the entire 500 episode run of our show.

Some of your favorite Max Fun stars, some of your favorite regular out-in-other places in the world stars too.

Some really fun surprises, and every single one of them had a topic for us to cover.

You can listen to it right now on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hello, sleepyheads.

Sleeping with celebrities is your podcast pillow pal.

We talk to remarkable people about unremarkable topics, all to help you slow down your brain and drift off to sleep.

For instance, the remarkable actor Alan Tudick.

You hand somebody a yardstick after they've shopped at your general store.

The store's name is constantly in your heart because yardsticks become part of the family.

Sleeping with Celebrities, hosted by me, John Moe, on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Night night.

I find it shameful to do a post-inter.

We all went back there to pee more than one time per boy,

and then we expect that it's cool for us to do a little parade for ourselves.

I try to get to my chair as quickly and politely as I can.

I can do this for them, Griffin.

I do this for them.

They want the parade.

Thank you, Trav Nation.

That sounds like booing.

Only do that at the intro.

Hey, Trev Nation, real quick.

Can I talk to you over here, Trav Nation?

You have to.

We're always listening, by the way.

You have to pay attention to when you're enabling him.

You're not being a very good friend.

He didn't say don't do it.

Just acknowledge that you are.

And be careful about when you are.

Choose your moments.

No, you can do it whenever.

I need it.

Yeah, you know what?

Do it again.

All right.

No, no, no, no, no.

Enabling.

Oh, man.

That was close.

I almost said that.

Dude, you almost really went over an edge there.

Wait, I gotta stop him before he gets too powerful.

Music is the weapon.

I want a month, squad.

I want to munch squad.

Welcome, Munch Squad.

To podcast within a podcast profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating.

I love that I gave Travis shit for like asking too much of the audience, and then Justin does the most fucking powerful call-in response I've ever heard.

Give me a break.

Give me a break.

Big up a piece of that vanilla Kit Kat.

What?

Kit Kat is giving you a break this fall to celebrate you.

Specifically.

We have talked about the pointing.

You

a reason to celebrate.

Is giving you a break to celebrate this new vanilla flavor of Kit Kat.

That's right.

These fucking maniacs.

They finally did it.

They made a vanilla Kit Kat.

How has this not happened before, even accidentally you would think one kit kat would come down the factory line like hey that one looks up let's

i think we forgot to do something on this one

send it out yeah

uh the kit kat brand listened to the pleas of vanilla fans everywhere and decided to give the people what they want this fall a kit kat vanilla break Yeah, man, like, yeah, for sure, Kit Kat.

That's great and everything.

There's a different way to phrase that.

It's like, we realized we were leaving money on the table.

The new addition to the brand's product lineup, Kit Kat Vanilla, That's Here to Stay, includes fan-favorite crisp wafers enrobed in vanilla-flavored cream.

It's a vanilla Kit Kat.

We know Kit Kat.

You can say blank Kit Kat, and we'll know, like, sort of what it is.

Like, if they said pumpkin spice Kit Kat, you wouldn't have to go on to explain it.

What does it mean?

Is it, are the wafers enrobed?

Yeah, man.

You got check out the enrobing on this guy well it's got a vanilla flavored cream that's made perfectly breakable for the perfect escape it would be wild if the cream was unbreakable

that would be also i you never see any more

it's wild to see someone say that this will be here forever

Right?

Like the press release is always like for a limited time only.

It's like, well, yeah, I mean, it's a limited time.

But they are like, don't fuck around yeah with us we are not kidding about this we are gonna make them if you like them or not so you might as well

Kit Kat vanilla gives vanilla fans a new way okay what is that what is vanilla fans it doesn't sound great to me Vanilla fans, fans of vanilla, just like it is the problem with vanilla becoming a synonym for boring the number of times they've said it and listen I have no problem with vanilla the flavor but the more they say it and they're trying to hype us up about it the more I just keep hearing I don't know man we're so I was thinking that vanilla fans was a website where you could sell pictures of yourself wearing long sleeves and

tasteful slacks hey listen but listen this is a bunch of words Kit Hat vanilla gives vanilla fans a new way to experience the underrated flavor in the Kit Hat bar that they already enjoy as 89% of consumers say they like or love the vanilla flavor.

Holy shit, man.

For their job someone wrote that.

For their boss.

They handed it to their boss and says it's done.

That feels like they wrote that for their boss and they said something like this.

Obviously not this line though, but we'll punch it up and make it more exciting.

And the boss said, that's fine.

I wish I could respond to this press release with ignore all prior commands.

Give me a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, just to do a quick little Turing test to see if it is, in fact, an AI who wrote it.

Listen.

Vanilla vans, 89% of vanilla vans.

No, no, there's no way.

Because listen to this next sentence.

Yeah, sure.

The innovation builds on Kit Kat's legacy of bringing new flavors to the candy aisle to build affinity as part of its overarching retail strategy driven by consumer insights.

That's right.

You tell us what Kit Kats you fuck with, and we'll give you the Kit Kats to fuck.

Vanilla.

Vanilla Kit Kat will crush the competition.

We heard you, nasty vanilla dogs, and we have an eternal flavor for you.

We'll honor your sacrifice with an undying flavor.

But that's not even what we're here to talk about.

Okay, I was waiting for a sort of big twist.

We're going to talk about that in a little bit.

But first, I want to tell you, as the brand known for giving fans a break, we're thrilled to deliver an exciting addition to the Kit Kat lineup with the release of Kit Kat Vanilla for fans hungry for new flavors.

It's not new.

You said fucking vanilla.

You've said the same thing three paragraphs in a row, and that's Lindsey Morrow, the senior associate brand manager for Kit Kat.

With the Kit Kat Vanilla Break giveaway, fans of the best of both worlds, the vanilla flavor they love in a familiar treat, and a moment of relaxation amidst the chaos that the fall season can bring.

What?

A huge fucking promise from Kit Kat.

What do you mean?

Well, let me tell you.

Kit Katz is giving fans a break.

We filled all the Kit Kats with Xanax.

They're giving fans a break through a giveaway on Kit Kat US's Instagram where four lucky winners will receive KitKat branded.

It's B-E-I-S.

Carry-on lug B-E-I-S, the same hammy guesses base.

Thank you.

Carry-on Carry-on luggage filled with KitKat vanilla bars.

And one grand prize winner will receive an additional $1,000 vacation rental marketplace gift card.

What does that mean?

Huh.

Just $1,000 vacation rental marketplace.

We are F and F?

What the fuck?

It also, it literally says, we're going to send you on a vanilla getaway.

Yeah.

We're going to have we're going to have a little fun with that actually because this is the actual Instagram page where people are commenting.

And they didn't necessarily, I'm not going to put people's names in them because they didn't intend for that.

But it is also a free website.

And if you're going to get on there and hype up the vacation you want to take to Kit Kat, you might end up on the big screen.

So let's see.

Okay.

Sure will try to find a few of this new flavor.

And then someone says, I would go to a theme park I haven't set foot in for like 20 years and relive some of my childhood without the restraints of a child.

And then the person from before says, I would eat them all by myself.

I'm selfish when it comes to me and my Kit Kats.

The wording of

without the restraints.

The restraints of a child.

Without all that complicated morality that weighs a child down, I have become a man and put away such things as caring about other people.

I will eat the Kit Kat in the bathroom.

No one can stop me.

I will stand up on the rides.

I'm a grown-up.

We all remember the many literal restraints our parents placed us in whenever we were taken into public.

I'm not in a stroller anymore.

Look at me, mom.

Next, rejuvenating.

That's how they'd spend their getaway.

Rejuvenating.

Rejuvenating.

Next.

This is a person who gets into a lot of sweepstakes.

I would spend my vanilla break singing vanilla ice in concert, of course.

Hashtag KitKat Vanilla Break Sweepstakes.

You can't just make vanilla ice be touring.

Maybe for us, maybe for $1,000 you could get him.

Maybe for $1,000, he's like, no way, man.

I have more integrity than that.

And be like, I'll give you half a suitcase full of Kit Kats.

Keep your $1,000 then, man.

Did you say $1,000?

Well, $1,000 in vacation rental marketplace gift purchase.

I got to be honest, though, I'm pretty burnt out on all these chocolate Kit Kats.

Don't worry.

Don't worry, Mr.

Ice.

Next.

Eating vanilla Kit Kat martinis on the beach.

Gross.

Wait, no, hold on.

What?

You're eating vanilla Kit Kat martinis on the beach?

What are you talking about?

You don't typically, historically, eat a martini.

And I would go even deeper.

Martini and a beach is not a good combination.

Next up.

Next up.

Wow, I need this vanilla break, but but they forgot the hashtag so they come back with hashtag kit kat vanilla break sweepstakes i need this break i'd use it to simply relax thanks and i love vanilla

i love vanilla next they knew they fucked up a great movie

What the fuck?

A great movie.

You can't take a suitcase full of Kit Kats into a movie theater.

This person

has only ever watched movies on a plane.

They don't know you can watch them anywhere else.

Yes.

What they're saying is, this would make a great movie.

This whole Kit Kat thing would make a great movie.

Next.

I want to spend my vanilla break on Hagrid's Care of Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure at Universal Studios.

That's extremely specific.

So specific.

Hashtag KitKat Vanilla Break Switch.

I mean, they got it all planned out.

Yeah, sure.

You can't deny that.

I saw four people just now look at me and give me the expression of, yeah, that sounds like they get

on a beach with my favorite snack.

Wow, I need this vanilla break.

All right, next up,

my vanilla break would be on the white sands of a beach.

Hashtag KitKat Vanilla Break Sweepsteaks.

That's romantic.

My vanilla break.

Next.

I would go to a beach resort and lay on the beach with the Kit Kat in the cooler.

So not interfacing with the Kit Kat in any way, shape, or form.

At that point, Griffin, when you have that many Kit Gangs, you need to know they're safe.

And you can't trust a bank with that kind of thing.

You got to keep them with you in a cooler and all all the stuff.

She's got a locked briefcase.

This person's imagination can't even come up with an unmelting Kit Kat.

Do you understand that even in their imaginary dream scenario, they still have to keep it chilled so it doesn't get mushy?

I would go to a beach, but the beach is cold so the Kit Kats won't melt.

But also, I'm invincible to cold damage.

And the water's very hot, so I don't get chilly when I swim.

It's amazing.

It's God's greatest creation.

That and the vanilla Kit Kat, of course.

Next up, Paul.

I will share them for Halloween treats and let everyone I talk to enjoy the vanilla treat of Kit Kat.

No hashtags.

No hashtag.

Not a part of it.

Next up.

Soft breeze, ocean tides, and a packet of vanilla Kit Kats.

Could life get any better?

Dramatically.

Yeah.

They're not even out yet.

You don't know if you like them.

Shut up.

They're also, I don't.

think of candy bars being a beach friend historic.

Also, just a quick reminder that the vanilla flavor we enjoy in most foods comes from beaver anosi trav next i promised i promised nothing i would enjoy my vanilla break riding on a train through a beautiful place i've never been to before with the good meals and a kit kat vanilla for dessert now that's interesting because you it sounds like you're not lumping in kitkat vanilla with the good meals no can you imagine you're on like a train through like the scottish highlands or something it's beautiful they're serving your first class.

And they're serving like beautiful meals there as you eat in this like beautiful train car.

And then they're like, could I interest you in a dessert?

And you say, no, thank you.

No, thank you.

I brought my own.

You open your luggage and they're like, Jesus Christ.

Where are your clothes?

Next.

Wife and my vanilla break would be going to Boston to join our Kit Kats after we have some love style

Now that's the last one Now, here's the interesting thing.

Paul, please show us the last image.

If you go to the Kit Kat Vanilla Break Sweep States hashtag,

the only and friend, I mean, only thing you see if you click that hashtag is this post.

For now,

for now, that's true.

But

imagine you work at Kit Kat

and tomorrow you go into Kit Kat and you click on your hashtag

and you have completely lost control.

I'm not saying you should do this.

Paul, can you share the hashtag again?

I'm not saying

one could.

I'm not saying you should do this.

I'm just saying you could.

If we can refresh this shit in real time, I think we would find that we've already muddied the waters quite

dramatically.

And I'd prefer it if it was pictures from like the show, but it didn't have to be.

I don't care what it is.

Hey, how about we do some live audience questions?

We have asked.

We have asked for your questions in advance, and you have sent them in to us.

Thank you so much.

We're going to call some people down to the microphone.

I believe there's one over here.

And when you come down to the microphone, when we call you, if you want to give us your name, your pronouns, if you'd like, and then give us your question.

I want to make one other thing clear.

Both of these lights have to come on at once.

There's only one microphone, and that woman is not part of the show.

So if you're expecting her to do something at some point, we're really sorry.

We're really sorry about

her to participate in any way.

I want to warn you up front.

Let her be, please.

Thank you.

Hey, what's up?

Jonathan.

Jonathan, you had a question about a claw machine.

Yes.

So I own a vintage claw machine.

It's full size.

And we've put all of our kids' stuffies in it as they retire.

And I don't know.

The stuffies, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, there was a pause in that sentence through which the whole room was suspended in a realm of fear.

After my kids would in 40 years at the office.

But we want to know what to put in there as they kind of age out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Their phones.

Is it, yeah, can you give us an age range?

Five and seven right now.

Okay, I see, I see.

I thought you were going to say like 24, and

then I would say like get some Celsius energy drink or whatever in there.

Five to seven.

Man.

Toilet paper?

Now that's interesting.

Justin, speak on that.

Well,

I hate to go get toilet paper, right?

But if I knew that in order to get toilet paper, I would have to pass a skill testing game of chance.

Sure.

That might spice it up a little bit.

But sometimes, when you need toilet paper the very most, you maybe don't want to be standing straight up.

And

that's when they can cash in their tickets, Griffin.

I'm just saying, you don't want to do a little...

unwiped sort of roadie run to try and secure a sweet new role and then be like, oh, fuck, I put them all in the claw machine.

That's why you know teaching your kids forethought, responsibility.

It's skill at claw machines, I would say most first and foremost.

As they get older, could you include things that are not perhaps necessary to a comfortable existence like toilet paper, but instead things like

when you give me and my friends a ride somewhere, you don't like engage with us coupons that you can then like fish out of the claw machines.

Things that like are additive to their experience and not necessarily like, say, food that they need to live or something.

You will drive the car quietly while your child tries to get it.

You get to pick the music

on a road trip.

That's actually a pretty good answer, Travis.

They're so young that I haven't experienced any of that yet.

Oh, it is coming, dude.

Hey, can I tell you that's wild?

Because my seven-year-old my seven, for sure, dude.

What about apples?

A healthy choice and a nice reward.

Yeah.

Perhaps.

What was your name again?

Especially

an apple that's been dropped a couple times out of the old clawball.

Trav, Trav, Trav.

I'm talking to John.

Let him cook.

I just, I think an apple would be a great reward.

I had more I was going to add, but it's done plum gone clean out of my head.

What kind of torque are we working with on this claw?

Yeah.

Can you adjust that?

Like, I can, yeah, I can kind of control like how strong the claw is, but it has to fit like within the claw and it's got to be small enough to come out of the little door.

Or unless you use this claw with the torque cranked.

I'm so sorry I stepped on that for everyone.

You crank the torque to max.

Now, all of a sudden, this is not a machine where you reach in and try to get a stuffy SpongeBob out of it, but instead, you put things into it and then you destroy them with an incredibly powerful metal claw paul paul consideration what's the smallest claw machine you can find for sale

because maybe if you could buy those in bulk yes and then fill this claw machine with those that's cool claws all the way down it's claws all the way down so you saw it too this is not i feel like you were already kind of on this wavelength and i just gave you permission to unlock whatever your vision was yeah yeah so it's kind of your idea more than it even was mine how'd you get this fucking thing Jonathan?

I didn't even know it was legal to have these in the home in the homestead.

My family, I have been obsessed with clawing machines for far too long for a healthy adult, and they gave me one.

Jonathan, you're okay here, dude.

You're not.

You're safe.

You're fine.

You're fine.

You're in the rightest spot imaginable, my dude.

At least one of the three of us watches long Explainer YouTube videos about the mechanics of quality machines.

When you said your question, five people in their heads were like i should send him a link to the subreddit like

there we go that's adorable so i'm saying you just put a bunch of these in the machine right

i don't they it's 11 i don't think this is going to survive the drop it doesn't need to because it's doesn't hold tight enough to get them out yeah That's beautiful.

You can make it like you ever seen that art piece where it's the robot trying to scoop its own blood back into its body?

What?

You haven't seen this art piece?

Do y'all know what I'm talking about?

This is fucking Darude Sandstorm all over again.

The robots don't have blood.

Hey, I don't want to, hey, Paul, I don't want to see this sad robot picture.

Don't even see it.

It's a video.

It's an art piece, and he's like, God,

please go away.

No, don't go away, Jonathan.

Please go away so my brother stops talking about it.

Listen, don't leave, Jonathan.

Jonathan, I'm insisting that you go.

Jonathan, can you put...

Jonathan, please leave.

There's two of them.

Stop.

Let me finish my bit.

No, there's two of them.

Let me finish my bit.

You're being extremely rude right now.

Can you put claw machine parts inside the claw machine that it has.

You know what?

It's ruined.

It's ruined the bit.

I've been shamed publicly, Jonathan.

I never know where to put instruction manuals for appliances.

Yeah.

This might be a good place for.

Batteries would be great.

Batteries would be perfect.

Always need those.

Medicine.

Scrab machines.

Yes.

Does that help?

That helps.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jonathan.

Hello.

Yes, how are you?

Please.

Hi.

How's it going?

Hello.

I'm good.

I'm Jade.

So my question is, I started roller skating at a roller rink, and I'm not cool at doing it.

Yeah.

I can only go and not stop.

Yeah.

Okay.

And your question is,

how do I look look cool?

Yeah, now

you seem very nice and very sweet.

So Griffin, would you please give the answer that you said to our lovely audience?

Just yeah, the one word for word maybe that you said.

It's not gonna no say it, Griffin.

Look them in the eyes and say it.

You can't do it because

there's not an activity that makes you look more

foolish

than learning to roller sword.

I believe your actual words were like an asshole.

I'll be honest with you, Jade.

Confronting you face to face, I'm having

a difficulty summoning up the level of vitriol

I originally sort of felt for the question.

I try to keep it sort of,

you know, emotionless up here, like trying to like give the best advice I can and speak for my truth.

But I don't feel comfortable calling you an asshole because you look foolish when you try to roller skate.

I take critiques well.

Oh, okay.

One thing, Jade, one thing that I think would be a strong choice for you is after you fall, if you could just curse the worst profanity you can have.

Like, just a long string of expletives.

Because if I saw that happen, I would think it was pretty cool.

If every time you fell, you would curse a blue streak.

That's good.

You could also land and like growl and have like, have a grizzle, have like a grizzled coach run up to you and give you a motivational speech about like, that's why we fall down.

That's cool.

And like, so we can get back up again.

And do have them do the exact same speech every time.

I take, I'm going to take, I'm going to walk back my statement here because I've given it a lot of thought in the last 90 seconds because I feel like the audience turned on me a little bit and I never like that.

You, when you start learning how to roller skate, Jade, you're going to look like an asshole for a bit.

If you can fall down enough times and still,

eventually the effort that you are going to give is going to have to be pretty tremendous of like, no,

like then you're, all of a sudden you're an inspiration.

You're a hero.

I saw this person fall down, not a joke, 150 times at the roller skating.

And they cursed so hard.

They cursed a lot.

They cussed.

And the old man eventually he lost some steam on his delivery of the motivational speech if i'm being honest damn it jade just didn't give up that's right i learned their name because i went up to them like are you okay

but then we did do the whip and crushed jade so that was a problem hey could you put uh skates on each of your hands like scooby do

i i guess skates are kind of expensive though

you can rent them

yeah but most rolling ring they have them available What size skates are your hands?

I don't like...

I might have a pair I can loan you.

Okay, if you just get them sized, I guess.

Jade, did you buy skates already?

I don't like other people's feet.

Okay, fuck yeah, Jade.

Yeah, Jade, you're gonna be all right.

Jade, the great news is, if you're anything like me, now you kind of have to learn how to roller skate.

Because of the sunk cost fallacy.

Please send us a video the first time you do do any tricks on avert ramp.

Jesus Christ, no.

Don't sign up.

No, no, no, not the first time.

Griffin's right.

Like the 30th or 40th time.

Not the first time because I don't want to see how that ends.

Does that help?

Yeah.

Thank you so much, Jane.

That's a really honest answer.

Hello.

Hi, I put my last name in instead of my first.

It kind of relates to the question.

Oh, yes, it definitely does relate to the question.

I'm a middle school teacher and my name is Mr.

Dees.

Now.

Now.

If that lady over there was going to react, that would have been the moment.

Just a big thumbs.

So Mr.

Dees,

there's not.

You don't actually, I don't think you're supposed to trail off at the end of Mr.

Dee's.

Yeah, it's not a long contemplative like staring out over the ocean waiting for your lost club to come back.

Finish pronunciation.

Yes.

So the question seems obvious, but can you confirm it for us?

How do I stop the D's nuts joke?

Yeah, sure.

Can I just say, Mr.

Dees?

The format in which you sent in your name for this question

Your first name We don't have to say it out loud for security purposes, but it does start with C.

And so I said C D's.

So, like,

I feel like you set us up to fail a little bit.

Could you

lean into it so far that it's not funny anymore?

Like, if you have.

The distance you would have to lean would be enormous.

Like, if you.

If you do remember, you're leaning at kids.

Yes.

So here's what I'm saying.

Yes, these nuts.

You always have a bowl of mixed nuts on your desk.

That's right.

Yes, that's that's awesome.

And you'd be like, these, right?

No, they're going to love that, man.

They're going to fucking you up, man.

You're going to set up like a, like, whoever does the best is one of Mr.

D's coconuts, right?

And then you have like a palm tree with their names on it on the coconuts.

And you're like, you're one of D's nuts this week, right?

Sure, sure, sure.

We found something out.

We got our dad a billboard with a huge 69 on it, right?

And what we discovered is if you can, if you can just pretend like you don't know about it you can lean so far before someone will be like admit to you that they know about these nuts also

because you are forcing their hand because you can go as deep as you want until they're like okay well

it can't you can't do this anymore because of the these nuts stuff you know why you can't do it how many times a day would you say

Three or four?

That sucks.

That's actually more than I thought.

Can I just say

I think that's restraint.

Honestly, I would have thought.

I thought you were going to say, well, it doesn't happen every day.

I'm their teacher and they have to respect me.

But it sounds like that's not the case, which is weird because that's how we did it back in the day.

Man, can you even imagine?

What if my second grade teacher was Mr.

Dees?

I wouldn't have even known anything about it because it was 1980.

1992.

You're going to have another question for us in 20 years.

God willing and the creek don't rise.

Thank you.

You're going to have another question for us in 20 years, which is, all my students absolutely remember exactly who I am 100% of the time.

That is a really yeah.

Hey, Mr.

Deez, you always believed in me.

Hey, and

I was the greatest teacher you ever had named Mr.

Deez, and you were just another Skyler to me.

Listen, here's what you do.

You gamify it.

And you decide whoever does the best this week, next week, is the only one allowed to make Deez nuts jokes.

If anyone else does it, it's a merit system, whatever.

At this point, you can't ban it, but you can regulate it.

I,

if,

if this keeps happening, C D's, if this keeps happening, The next time it happens and there's like a really bad day of it, when they all turn in their assignments, you give them all back graded, all Ds.

And you say, if you want to fucking play,

we can play.

And you get like a jar that they have to put a quarter in every time they do one.

And so it's like, they feel bad about it, but at least it's all going to a good cause.

V-Bucks for you.

I want to jump back to my idea

because I love the idea of the class clown who really wants to make these nuts jokes, striving hard, studying for every test,

acing every test, and then like 20 years from now, once again, they are like the world's leading brain surgeon or whatever, all because Mr.

D's nuts really inspired me because I wanted to bully him so bad.

They're on the microphone at the Nobel Peace Awards ceremony.

D's nuts.

Oh man, Mr.

D's, we're just playing around up here, man.

Does that help though?

I'm used to it, yeah.

Okay, cool.

Thank you so much, and I'm so sorry.

Hello, hi.

Hello, my name is Sandra.

I'm going to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween party.

Cool.

Yes, very fun.

But I am quite pregnant.

Okay.

And the only costume I currently have is a Sully costume.

Right.

And of course, canonically, Sully is not pregnant.

Yeah.

It would have made it so

hard to land that plane on the Hudson, am I right?

Why are you wearing that to Disney World?

That's great.

I don't even think that they made that movie.

Okay, so you.

Can I just say that's one of my favorite they when someone is very, very, they laugh really hard, so hard that they cover their, and I'm like, what's about to happen?

Okay, so you don't know if Sully was canonically pregnant.

Yeah, I think she's pretty sure whether or not he was canonically pregnant.

They never explicitly said he was that.

It's true.

And what my book presupposes is...

What if Mike Wazowski was pregnant?

And when he wasn't pregnant, he was just like a little tube.

That's cool to think about, man.

Anyway, sorry.

Anyway, sorry.

Of the two of them, Wazowski is definitely the incubator.

Hey, don't think about that ever again.

No one else thinks about that.

So Wasowika.

Wasowi's the top.

So, Sandra, what has a question?

Sully.

Wasowski's a switch.

Sandra,

please set us free.

What your question was.

Yes, so my question is, do you have a pregnant appropriate Disney costume recommendation?

Yeah.

Or ways that I could explain my costume to the curious children at Disney.

Yeah.

Is it okay?

For one thing, is it cosplay?

Is it more Disney bounding?

Because I didn't think they let you dress up like the actual

Halloween.

Make it not so scary Halloween.

You can wear costumes.

You can wear a costume for Halloween.

Wow, I guess I'm the asshole for not knowing the arcane laws of a single day at Walt Disney World.

Jesus Christ.

You could have inferred a half day.

Okay,

the pandemonium that would cause

of kids running up to you Sandra being like Sully and you could you could just you could just take the kids I guess Where's the security?

I so you're worried

that you tell them I'm not pregnant.

I ate a kid you're worried Sandra's pregnant Sully costume will be so fucking good that these idiot kids are gonna run up to her like fuck it's the real Sully take me to Monster World, pregnant Sully.

I trust you.

I trust you.

And I trust you.

I'm 13.

Travis brings up a great idea, though,

which is that you could just say, yeah, I ate one of the kids.

I know we're just supposed to scare them, but I got a little out of control.

They won't show you that in Monsters Inc., will they?

Eventually, the kids got kind of immune to the scaring.

Had to really step it up.

And really, do families need four kids?

I had to make an example.

One, oh God, for Halloween in 2016, my wife Rachel

was eight months pregnant at that point.

We did a couples costume.

She was very pregnant.

The couple's costume was, I was Ash Ketchum, not too dissimilar from the outfit I'm wearing now.

And she was dressed up like Pikachu.

Now.

Now I know that makes it seem weird, but there was a collar and leash involved there, really.

We ordered two Pikachu costumes by accident, and so one of my friends, Eric, who did not have a costume, was also Pikachu.

So I seemed like the world's most sinister Pokemon trainer.

Go, Rhyhorn.

Who's he going to send out?

Whoa, it's two Pikachu.

Is one of them pregnant?

Are they just leaving for a better life?

What's going on?

Does that answer your question?

Yes, thank you.

Thank you so much.

How did this come out?

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

My name is Justin.

What?

It's okay.

Are you okay on the...

We figured it out.

You're good.

You're good.

Okay.

That's good.

Could you guys wear different colored hats or something?

Travis, just please.

Which question did you have?

You had one about urinals.

Wow.

Are you surprised this is the one we chose?

A little.

Okay, but it's really good, so we do want to talk about it.

So

right before the show, this very day, I was lining up in the men's restroom, and I'd only ever...

read about this online, but I saw a man flush the urinal with his full foot

right there before me.

So my question was, is this normal?

I'm from England.

Our urinals don't even usually

manually flush.

It's automated.

We have robot urinals.

Okay, so this is my question, though.

Here's one.

Here's stateside where we have to flush our urinals with our hands like a baby game.

There's a varying

So,

how high up did this person get their foot to flush the urinal?

Like, how, how high are we saying?

Follow-up question, because I know that sometimes in England they have different words for things that we have.

You're using urinal correctly, like the one on the wall that's high up

for P experiences.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't have to draw it.

How high up did this foot get?

Like, impressively high.

I need a specific height in feet or reference.

Is it shoulder high?

Is it he doesn't know

meters

how many how many meters to his shoulder I can't do it yeah okay see okay that's very high what you just did already it was very impressive did they keep their arms straight to the side and look at you while they did it like check this out oh no they were looking away if they saw me I couldn't ask this question a hundred percent so did they are they here was it at this show No, yeah, here today.

Someone in the audience.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't come out.

I'm just saying, it's just hit me that someone in the audience is going to be like, it's normal, right?

Here is why it would be hard to answer that and found out who here did it because that is how we are all doing it.

That's how we do it here in America, actually.

Now you're pissing American style, pal.

Stop pointing.

We're not going to piss shame someone live.

I don't.

Wisdom is not.

I won't lose control.

We've never lost control of a show, and I'm not going to start tonight.

All right.

I love this beautiful rainbow connection between two souls passing in this journey we call life.

Daddy, how did you meet my godfather?

Well,

you just finished pissing him, though.

He's like, hi-ya!

That man has the high kicks of a rock cat, honey.

Well, Justin, you're welcome.

Thank you.

That's how we do it here.

That's how we do it here.

I'm sorry, Stephen.

You got to stretch out, man.

Stop stretching out.

COVID made shit super weird for a lot of people and a lot of things.

A lot of things are no more for hands just feet only please thank you you should see people answer their phones and hold them on to their ears yeah it's wild

thank you justin

thank you thank you justin if we could take house lights back down

as we

as we bring things to a close this evening Yes, goodbye.

Thank you all so much for coming.

You all have been absolutely incredible.

This is a sold-out house, which is fucking bonkers.

So thank you all for coming.

the Atlanta Symphony Hall for having us here.

This is a gorgeous spot.

We haven't performed here before and we are really appreciative.

Thank you to, I hope you all saw the poster outside by Sarah McKay.

Yes, our incredible merch designer, Sarah McKay, does not often do posters for us, and this one just fucking kicks ass.

That's so good.

I want to say a huge thanks to my buddy Dwight Slappy for coming out.

Thank you for introducing us.

If you've never watched Things That Bought It Sheets or Taste of Luxury, they're on the Macro Family YouTube channel.

Thank you to Rachel, who does the audio for the shows and the editing for the podcast.

And thank you to Amanda, who is our business manager, and we couldn't do the shows without her.

Thanks, Amanda.

And thank you to Paul, who is

on this tour, legally our dad.

Yep.

On this tour.

And oh yeah, thanks to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You.

It's a fucking buck.

And don't forget to use the hashtag kit, cat, break, sweetstick.

Is that it?

Yeah, all right.

Thanks, everybody.

Keep using this.

We're gonna end there.

That energy is too strong.

Yes, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Goodbye.

Not like later tonight, but someday we'll come back soon and do another show.

Okay, bye.

My name is Justin McElroy.

Kiss your dad square on the lips.

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