MBMBaM 780: Face 2 Face: Good Will Horsing

The McElroy brothers are not experts,

and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert,

but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you

My life

It's better, it's better with you

This is true

It's better, it's better with you

Hello and welcome to my brother My brother Main Advice Show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy

What's up, Trav Nation?

I'm your middlest brother, Travis, big dog, wolf, wolf, room, vroom, McElroy.

Still scary.

What's up, Trav Nation?

It's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 media luminary, Griffin, Bill 4Tuff, McElroy.

And I am absolutely busting out of this teenager's Halloween costume.

Yeah, this has been a kind of an ongoing narrative.

Somehow Griffin's costume has shrunk and

it is just getting worse and worse for him.

We have two more live ma bimbams and then I think I'm just gonna like fucking looferigno my way out of this thing on stage.

I'm riding high today, ready to do a great show

because today

my oldest brother and I, along with Rachel and Amanda, who helped put on our live shows, went and did a VR adventure where we fought some goblins and skellingtons and spiders and stuff.

True.

And it absolutely ruled.

Unfortunately, Griffin couldn't be there because he decided to have kids.

What a loser.

Today.

Today.

Yeah.

Big announcement.

We're done done it again.

I just wish Griffin could somehow experience it, Travis.

Oh my God, Justin.

Good news.

We have video from it.

I can't select it.

Can we see?

Why am I bloody?

Shit, guys.

What is this?

Oh, no.

Whoa.

Okay.

Okay.

Whoa!

Yeah, I got killed there.

That's me getting killed by a big axe.

If I was really in this situation, I would die many times,

yeah.

You guys look so inactive.

There we go.

Yeah, there we go.

Look, we're surrounded.

Yeah, that's how we look.

The most nonchalant fantasy heroes of all time.

Well, Travis told us he figured out he could hurt guys just by wiggling it.

So he started wiggling it more.

You have to say wiggle his sword.

You can't just say wiggling it.

That video.

That video does not show the moment where I attempted to jump back from getting hit by a swinging axe and fully just went over a crouched down Amanda like she was half of a schoolyard bully bully push scenario.

You guys looked even cooler in the real life footage than in the video game footage.

Yeah, somehow, right?

And Griffin, let me tell you, the sweatiest I've ever been in my entire life.

I'm surprising even a little bit.

The lady came in afterwards with the towel, and I was almost like, please let me, I'll go clean my own equipment.

Thank you so much.

You shouldn't have to do this.

This is an advice show.

And we are going to take your questions and turn them alchemy like into wisdom but first oh my god

papa's got a brand new game let's see it

welcome everybody to portman whoa

the hottest new

game show with your host travis mclroy that's me okay i'm sorry can we stop stop the music?

Can we stop this?

First of all, I hate this.

He's been playing this game backstage with us.

I hate to ruin it for you, but he's been calling it zero degrees to Natalie Portman.

And basically, he just says, go, and then you have to say Natalie Portman.

As fast as you can.

Yeah, as fast as you can.

It's like...

You don't even have to name a Natalie Portman movie.

You just have to say Natalie Portman.

So it's not going to be.

If you guys don't like it, why do you keep saying Natalie Portman?

Because I don't want to lose.

I mean, I don't want to lose.

Exactly.

As is always the case, Travis, your games are not my favorite games, but I will kick as much ass at them as I possibly can.

The original

name of this game was actually

sometimes words sound like other words the game.

Yeah.

But that did not test well.

No, it didn't change.

So we changed that.

Unlike this,

which was universally bullied.

This got 100% test rate with myself.

Yeah, great.

I'm going to give you

the clue,

and you're going to give me the portmanteau I am describing.

This is just your dirty games, but not dirty.

This is like work of fart, but not dirty.

I'm evolving as an artist.

Don't you mean as a fartist?

No, Travis.

They're justin's.

No, that's P.O.I.O.

And beneath me.

This is Portmanu.

I'm evolving as an artist.

I'm getting worse.

Grow up.

Okay, you're right.

You're right.

You're right.

Portmanua.

Classy.

All right.

Your first clue.

Yep.

What they would have called the park if Walt had written Mickey and friends to be pickup artists.

Walt Jisney World?

No, this isn't.

No, this is not a work of art.

It's not a work of art, and I'm really sorry because it's probably not Walt Jisney World.

No.

Thank you.

Don't fucking buzz me, Paul.

Wait, so is it a...

Better be careful, Justin, or Paul's gonna fucking buzz you

on your own podcast, Grubin.

That doesn't sound right.

This is my game show, not your podcast.

Okay, okay, great, man.

Great energy.

Okay.

What they would have called the park if it was for pickup artists instead of about Mickey Mouse.

No, Mickey and Friends were pickup artists, but yeah.

God damn it.

Mystery Land?

It's a portmanteau.

Yeah, man.

I got to tell you, Trav, work at Fart was a lot cleaner.

I'm going to say it, and you're gonna be like, Travis, you're actually a genius.

That's great.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you want to hear the answer?

Is the answer, Travis, you're actually a genius?

That's great.

Because I can get out ahead of that.

No, the answer is Risney World.

Risney World.

Okay.

You don't have to give him the correct answer.

Like, he made the game.

So, like, they don't throw a fucking parade for Ken Jennings every time he says what the answer is on Jeopardy.

You know what I mean?

Technically, he says what the question is, but yeah.

Damn it.

Get him.

Second Port Ben Woah.

Yeah.

Three podcasting brothers.

Hey, release a boxed pasta dish.

Release a boxed pasta dish?

A pasta dish.

in a box that you can make for dinner.

Camboy girl

My brother, my brother, and macaroni and cheese and me.

No.

Kraft, Maclebrother, and...

Oh, you were close.

Boy.

Kraft, Kraft.

No.

Fuck.

Stop it!

Maclebroni and cheese.

Judges?

Yes, who'll get with you?

Macaroni MacElroni and cheese.

MacAlroni and cheese is like a third joke.

Literally, exactly what I'm doing.

No, no, Macle.

Travis said Mac Elroni.

MacElon

Row and put in another one.

That's like a third joke in there, Griffin.

Awesome.

I'm so good at this game.

Thank God.

Our final Portman Woe.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Pleasuring oneself at top speed.

Faster baiting.

Yeah.

Griffin wins!

Does he?

I mean, does he?

Thank you.

That's been Port Manuel with your host, Travis McElroy.

No notes.

No notes.

In 2024, I finally discovered the difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas.

This information is so funny to me that I need to tell everyone I know.

The problem is, in order for that difference to really hit home, the conversation needs to come up organically.

There There are friends I have been waiting a full year to tell, and no matter how many times I throw Garbanzo beans and chickpeas into a conversation, they never wonder aloud what the difference is.

How can I get people to ask me this question more often in a way that feels natural?

That's from Beanbud in Austin.

Are you here?

Hello?

I don't know the difference.

Oh, well, I'll tell you, one's beans, one's peas.

I don't trust that.

No.

Sometimes they call things things that aren't things.

Peanuts?

No.

They're legumes.

I don't think anyone colloquially sort of calls them legumes.

We talked backstage about how much it would delight us to, not for jokes, but just kind of wonder aloud what the difference is.

Just to really torture you.

I don't know why.

It's the perfect opportunity, and I'm not going to ask.

I assume garbanzo beans are inherently cooler.

Like when you see one, you're like, ooh,

but that has a more fun.

Person who asked this question, would you feel comfortable coming up to the.

We have a microphone, and usually we wait till the end of the show to do audience questions, but it does feel hold on, wait, wait, wait.

It feels a little bit like if we don't, if you don't want to do it, just remain silent.

Here they come.

Are you coming down?

Okay, kick ass.

Now, okay, no, wait, no, no, wait.

Now, wait.

Hello.

What is your name?

If you feel comfortable, give us your name.

Hello, my name is Jesse.

Hi, Jesse.

Hi, Jesse.

I'm going to set you up.

You ready?

No, wait.

No, wait.

Don't set Jesse up.

Here's the thing.

They asked, they said they wanted the question.

I know, but we have to be talking about it, and Jesse's got to find the window.

You're right, you're right.

Okay, so we're going to be talking.

Jesse, you'll know it when it comes, but you've got to be able to, okay?

Don't miss the window, too, because I swear to God, we are three straight white men.

We will talk right over.

Okay.

But

you have to work very hard to get a word in here.

I got it.

I got it.

Yeah, can you justin, she then she left me

sad it was over.

Sad as that is, this hummus is delicious.

I can't tell, though, if it's a chickpeas or garbanzo beef.

Basically the same thing, right?

Yeah, there's no difference.

It's basically a homonym, and that's the truth of the matter.

Anyway, next conversation subject.

Yeah, I'm getting divorced.

Actually, I can tell you the difference.

Wait, what?

Wait, between getting divorced and not getting divorced?

What kind of loneliness is that?

No, wait, no, no, no.

Do you remember a few minutes ago when we were talking about homeless?

I think Jesse is referencing that instead of your divorce, which is clearly what we're talking about.

I was trying to open up.

Jesse, read the fucking room.

All right, Trav, read the room.

But now I do need to know, because this is what mine and Denise's major fight was about.

The difference between garbanzo beans and jig peas.

Go ahead, Travis.

I told you you just tortured herself at this point, man.

It doesn't matter matter what the difference is.

It does matter, Justin.

It matters to me.

Go ahead, Jesse.

He can take it.

The difference is I wouldn't pay to have a Garbanzo bean on my face.

That's gonna do it for us.

Jesse, if we, Jesse, if we had known

that what you were going to do

would be the funniest thing that's gonna happen here tonight,

we honestly probably would not have invited you to the microphone.

We definitely could have done that for 62 more minutes of showing.

I was trying to put it at the top of the show, Jesse.

That was fucking

entrapment.

Jesse, you didn't put the punchline.

This wasn't an audience question that was submitted.

You didn't put the punchline in there.

You were just going to have these three dingo berries.

Jesse gave us all the clues.

We walked right into Jesse's trap.

Jesse gave us all the clues.

We just sprang it.

The perfect, the prayer.

It was like one of those locked room mysteries.

Like, how is Jesse going to get out of this one?

Jesse,

I did, Jesse.

I didn't,

I couldn't understand backstage why this would be such a,

get so stuck in your craw,

why you would be waiting on fucking tinter hooks to illuminate what the difference is between these two.

But now I absolutely and definitely and totally get it.

I'm a 41-year-old person who has been making comedy on the internet and existing on the internet for many years.

And I don't know what it says about my level of naivete that when I saw this, I thought, the difference must be really interesting.

Jesse, just by a show of cheer, do you feel like you've gotten it out of your system now, though?

Wait.

The anecdote has expanded, so you now have more on-roads, right?

So now people just need to bring up podcasting or us, right?

And then you're going to be like, nursing three cis white dudes.

Yeah, thank you.

Funny story about that.

Hold on one second.

Yeah.

What's the difference between this is going to seem like a tangent, but

thank you so much, Jesse.

Fantastic.

I am 31 years old and I just bought my first house with my partner.

At our housewarming party, my sister gifted us a 10-foot trampoline, fulfilling a longtime dream of being an adult that has their own trampoline to use whenever they want.

We love our trampoline, but I find that I am not jumping on it as often as I had wished due to work or other adult type things that ruin fun.

Brothers, how do I make sure that I get in time to bring back the childlike wonder to my life that I so crave?

That's from Aspiring Aerial Adult in Austin, Texas.

Are you here?

You're up high.

That's appropriate.

That works.

I don't want to, I don't want to seem like a downer, but I think 10 feet is too high for a trampoline to be.

Yeah, that doesn't seem safe or regulation, honestly.

There's not a safe trampoline, guys.

Like,

you can put one of those two inches off the ground.

Like, life finds a way.

I guess that's now.

Griffin, are you a trampoline fan?

We have a trampoline at our house in D.C.

A smooth transition, Justin.

Yeah, yeah.

I call it a tramposition.

That doesn't make any fucking sense.

And it is cool.

Like, the kids wear themselves out on it, which I really like.

But they also want me to jump on it sometimes.

And I don't know how to tell them that as a 38-year-old man, like stuff is looser inside of me

than it is in them.

And that if I bounce up and down too much, I feel stuff shifting around inside that that is so hugely worrying, so troubling.

Yeah, I could bounce the wrong way on a trampoline, and it's just that's that's it.

Your stomach cuts the ball game for like an old dog, and then that's that's a wrap on juice.

Yeah, one of the organs ends up in the wrong place, and that's it.

It'll happen.

It happens every day.

I think the solution to your problem is if the adult things in your life keep getting in the way of trampoline time,

start to incorporate trampoline time into the adult things in your life.

For example, important phone meeting or Zoom conversation, that could be done on a trampoline easy.

Yeah.

That's a powerful business intimidation tactic.

Is the laptop like resting on the trampoline or what it, baby?

You're just popcorning it up like, oh, one other thing, Derek.

And we got items.

A romantic evening with a partner.

That could be done on a trampoline.

Easy.

How?

Yeah.

Explain what you just said, because it doesn't sound right to me.

Coordination.

Lots of practice.

Yeah.

And a willingness to embarrass yourself.

That's cool.

And important.

And grown up, Travis.

Thanks for once again bringing it.

But that's what romance is, isn't it?

Yeah.

it's got its ups and downs.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Wow, we're doling out the high fives tonight, man.

It's like a Paul Hollywood handshake, but it's a Travis high five.

It's even more meaningful.

That's true.

Hey, we're all getting into some new stuff tonight, and I have a new segment that I would like to

do for you guys.

I'm excited.

It's brand new, and to celebrate it,

I had some extra time today, and I started messing around with like Canva and I tried to do an intro and outro for it and I'd like to show you the intro for it if I could.

Fuck yeah, man.

Let's see it.

Whoa.

Who is that?

That's Shaq.

Whoa.

All right, welcome to Shaq Watch.

Welcome to Shaq Watch.

I'm ace reporter Justin McElroy.

I wanted to tell you guys about the latest and greatest in Shaq news, but there's honestly so much going on with Shaq right now that it actually is

a great time to be Shaq.

It's a great time to be Shaq.

It's an even better time to be a Shaq fan.

Let's check in on our first story with the Shaq-alicious XL gummies.

Those are his shoes?

Those are Shaq.

No, Travis, those are gummies that look like Shaq's shoes.

Are you kidding me right now with this?

This is why Shaq won't come on the show.

It's because of garbage like this.

No, Travis, those are gummies that are shaped like Shaq's shoes.

They're a new

addition to the Shaq-alicious gummy line, and it's brand new.

Like, it's just coming out right now.

They're shoe-based on Shaq's shoes because he's also a shoe entrepreneur.

We got three different flavors here, strawberry, mango, and lime.

And they're crafted to match his O'Neill's appetite for bigger bigger bites and bolder flavor.

They're XL-sized, sneaker-shaped gummies, and they're a tribute to his larger-than-life personality and legendary shoe size of 22.

So, there's just three big gummies in that bag.

Can I say, as a purveyor of portmanteaus, Shaq-alicious tells me nothing about the quality?

Yeah, it tastes like Shaq!

Following its launch in 2024, Shaq-Alicious XL Gummies became Hershey's number one sweet launch of the year, with over 11 million units sold.

The line, yeah, the line, including these new sneaker-shaped gummies, was ideated, developed, and taste-tested by the big man himself.

Developed?

He was in the lab?

Shackalicious.

He was mixing it up?

Shackalicious started with big ideas.

Make candy that's bold, fun, and full of flavor.

Now we're stepping up with sneaker-shaped gummies and three wild new flavors for gummy lovers everywhere, said Shaquille O'Neal.

I've been a part of this from the start.

From the flavors to the shapes.

Yes, Shaq has helped come up with the shapes, which to this point have included a cactus, Shaq's face, a four-leaf clover, and now three shoes.

Thank you, Shaq.

Not a Shaktis?

What?

What?

Of all of those, I don't know why this is is the one that's bumpy for me, but why a cactus?

Because it's a shaktis.

Because this is a big cactus.

And the big shape.

The big shakis.

The big shaktis, man.

Okay, next story.

Don't worry about shakaroni going away, guys, because shakaroni is now on the menu forever.

That's quite the promise, Shaquille O'Neal.

Shaquille O'Neal.

And you couldn't get him a better sign.

It's a fish.

For the photo?

He made it himself.

Shut up.

Originally launched as a limited offering in the summer of 2020, the Shakaroni quickly became an item fans eagerly waited to enjoy year after year, thanks to its extra large size, extra cheese, and extra pepperoni.

The shacaroni isn't just a pizza.

It's a slam dunk, O'Neal said.

I'm pumped.

I'm pumped that it's now here to stay.

It's big, it's delicious, and it brings people together just like pizza should.

To welcome Shakaroni to the Papa John's core menu, O'Neill is sending shacaronis to organizations organizations supporting important causes.

Hopefully, it's more of a coupon deal.

Instead of him taping them up in a box and mailing them to the Boys and Girls Club.

Here's 100 pizzas to say thank you.

The idea of it being eternally on the menu, I do have a problem with.

One, it suggests that Papa John's will be around until the death of the universe.

Which seems like they've weathered too many storms to achieve that.

That's an interesting point, Griffin.

Here's another interesting point.

Did you realize that until the end of his term, Shaquille O'Neal is currently the president of basketball?

It's true.

Wait, what?

Yes, Reebok.

I didn't know that was a position to be held, Justin.

Yes, I haven't been doing any effort towards campaigning.

Yes, unfortunately, in 2023, Reebok appointed Shaquille O'Neal to president of basketball.

So he has two more years in his term, by my math.

Reebok, the iconic and irreverent sports culture brand, announced longtime brand partner and legendary Hall of Famer Shaquille O'Neal as the president of basketball.

Now, if Reebok didn't give the other brands a chance to weigh in, it's not a presidency so much as a dictatorship.

That's true.

He has been declared.

This was a basketball coup.

Yes.

Throughout his epic 19-year career, O'Neal redefined the dominant big man role, tearing down backboards and racking.

I bet they hate that.

Oh, for sure, man.

I bet they just hate the dictatorship.

Because they have to stop the game and everything.

Yeah, even if they keep extra ones around, which only so many.

Right.

At a certain point, it does take a while to change out.

Yeah.

Now, how is Shaq using his incredible power as the president of basketball in this partnership with Reebok, you ask?

And one of the most unhinged things I've ever seen in my entire life, Paul, let's see the shoes.

Huh?

What is

going on?

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Wait.

What's going on in the bottom there?

I'm going to tell you.

My eyes eyes keep darting around to different incredible details.

Right.

Right now I'm stuck on the sneaker.

In the 1992, Pepsi partnered with Shaquille O'Neal and Reebok for the first time.

A celebration of the man who was taking Orlando in the league by storm.

Fast forward 32 years and Shaq is as buzzy as ever.

Recently showing love to Pepsi Minis with 90s icon Skilo and having his magic number 32 raised to the rafters last week.

Big Diesel continues to be at the center of sports culture.

Now Pepsi is collaborating with Shaq on the Pepsi Sneak Er.

I don't know, man.

Pepsi sneaker custom-built Reebok Pump Shaq's attack.

Courtesy of the Shaq.

That's too many words.

That's a lot of words, man.

I'm not done, okay?

The name of it is Pepsi's collaborating with Shaq on the Pepsi Sneaker Custom Built Reebok Pump Shaq attacks.

Courtesy of the shoe surgeon.

Yeah, I don't want anyone off the street cutting secret Pepsi holes into my shoes.

You need someone who went to shoe medical school for 12 years.

Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with my spine?

Well, let me see the bottom of your feet.

This has happened a lot lately.

Yep.

There it is.

Another Pepsi can.

These aren't just another pair of custom kicks, though.

These are size 22 Reeboks.

They're tailor-made for the Larger Than Life Shack, who loves Pepsi minis so much, he wanted us

to be able to bring them with him to enjoy wherever he goes

okay

so if you try to board an airplane with one of these on your feet

all

here's the thing this solves a problem that doesn't exist how to get a can of Pepsi somewhere right what it creates is a multitude of potential issues There are so many things on the ground that would puncture a Pepsi can on the bottom of my shoe.

And the idea of suddenly taking a step and

just Pepsi spraying all around me as I explain, listen, I was trying to sneak a can of Pepsi in the bottom of my shoe.

Yes, I will go straight to prison.

Thank you so much.

Is it a platform situation or like an internal high heel?

Because the Pepsi is where foot traditionally goes.

So this is the thing.

He has a size 22 foot because the middle of it's concave and all the extra foot went out to the side right

uh with the help of the shoe surgeon an original pair of reebok pump shaq attacks has been retrofitted to fit a full pepsi mini new story about one pair of shoes no it's a feat only possible to do the mammoth size 22 shoe the pepsi sneaker allows shaq to to

keep saying the shoe surgeon by the way and not giving any details as to what that could possibly be if you okay listen trap if you don't know who the shoe surgeon is going in they are not going to be able to make you care about it right now

The Pepsi sneaker allows Shaq to tote around a Pepsi mini can so that he can enjoy a crisp and refreshing sip of Pepsi or Pepsi zero sugar whenever the urge arises.

Guys

unaware of pockets?

If I fucking saw Shaquille O'Neal and we were just talking, he's like, hold on a second, old chip.

And he's like, pops up his leg on top of his knee.

And he's like,

and that's the opening of the shoe.

That's just a shoe.

And then there's another,

that's the can.

That's cool.

That's cool.

He's cool action.

He has to release the hair.

That's cool that you think that's the sound that that would make after walking around on your soda can all day.

An additional 22 shoes will be available for fans to cop this week via a one-time Pepsi sweepsticks.

Some of Shoe Surgeons' key features include Reebok's iconic pump has been turned into the Pepsi Globe.

The colorway features Pepsi color palette.

Pepsi has been a coal pot of my career since the moment I joined the NBA, says Shaquille O'Neal, president of basketball at Reebok.

That's what he is listed as.

My partnership...

It should probably be like an Irish accent because of like O'Neal.

That would be, I, you know, um, my partnership with Pepsi means, it's more like me now.

Means so much to me because we're always out here having fun, innovating, bringing the noise.

Now Now I'm pumped that I never have to be without my Pepsi mini cans.

I think it really sucks that they put this press release out and not have one picture of Shaquille O'Neal holding a Pepsi Mini.

I'm fucking furious.

Absolutely.

Paul, I need our best people on this to see if you can find me an image of Shaquille O'Neal holding a Pepsi Mini like me playing dollhouse with my kids.

Please.

No, actually, Paul, don't waste your time with that because we have to move on to our next story.

This one, Paul, I just want to Shaq watch watch the time, as part of Shaq Watch, I want to Shack watch the time Shaq got pushed into a Christmas tree.

Chuck, don't cheat.

Don't cheat, Chuck.

You just love Shaq watching Shaq get pushed into a Christmas tree.

Yes, I put it in the Shaq watch.

No, it's great.

We should have a button on our stage.

Anytime we do a live show, we can press when the energy starts to flag.

You get to see.

Can I also point out Shaq a Claus once again?

Yeah, he can't be stopped.

And last Shaq watch story.

Do we have the image, Paul, of the...

Invicta is working with Shaquille O'Neal for a multi-year, multi-platform deal on his own line of watches.

Can I tell you what?

What is it right on the tin?

What's great?

Freak in my being, Johnson.

What is it, Trav?

That watch looks big on Shaq.

Yeah, think about that for a second.

The tendons in his arm are actually stretching so badly right now.

It's 35 pounds.

He's doing everything he can to keep it off.

I'm trying to imagine how that would translate to my own dainty ribs thanks for this week's shack watch thank you to you

my girlfriend is determined to teach me how to swim I'm not interested in learning She used to be a swimmer and even worked as a swim instructor for a while, so she thinks she can teach me.

But I swear I sink like a rock anytime I get in the water.

How can I convince her that I don't need to learn how to swim and that I just want to lounge by the side of the pool?

That's from Dry Land Dweller in Dallas.

Are you here?

No!

I've we've been doing this for a long time.

I have never heard two people shout in response to that question, and one of them goes, No!

What on God's Green Earth?

What the fuck is happening?

I want to try it again, okay?

And just the one would be grand.

Are you here?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Tough to come back in that moment.

Give us a moment to process.

I love to float around.

I love to splash around.

So this is a little bit hard for me to relate to, but I can't remember a time when i didn't float i've always been very floaty it's i don't and that's my privilege you know what i mean and i've never really changed

floating and he'll die you know we are born knowing how to swim it's one of the best baby facts you chuck a baby in there he'll figure it out until a point no way don't chuck a baby

no i'm not saying you should obviously we do have an intro just for that even though dad is kind of turning it into a bit of a one-act play and we maybe need to like bring it back a little bit

Travis says he's a sex worker thing in a way that made me.

Yeah, we don't need to turn it into a whole no coward thing, man.

We can just go ahead and say the intro, you know?

This is very personal for me because Teresa was a lifeguard and swimming instructor for many years and I

am not great at swimming.

Good enough, I would say, to survive in the day-to-day scenarios I find myself in.

Not that I've swimmed with you in forever, man.

I don't care for it.

There's many things I can do that other people can't.

It's fine.

I'm better at cross-stitch than Teresa is, and you don't hear me making a big deal about it.

Yeah, but okay, but wait.

If Teresa falls into a cross-stitching store, she won't die.

Yes, thank you, Griffin.

Thank you.

There is a certain safety concern where that information will not become immediately life or death important.

When I was about 19, Justin and I went whitewater rafting with some of our friends.

I went under the water.

I've never been good at holding my nose, like holding my breath underwater without holding my nose.

I went underwater, starts to go under my nose.

I'm going all tossed around.

And you know what thought crossed my mind?

Well, this is death.

I was at peace, Griffin.

I was fine.

I wasn't struggling.

And then a powerful hand reached down.

It was my older brother, Justin, who grabbed the back of my life jacket, which was ineffective, and pulled me back basically up onto the boat.

And I learned then, Griffin, that I might not know how to swim, but other people will save me and i better just rest on that he did learn the wrong lesson to be fair yeah i don't think he got

justin a great gift in giving him his own schlitterbon hero moment

all i'm saying is if you fall in the water there's always going to be someone else there to save not true at all demonstrably untrue a lot of bad advice getting bandied about here this evening throw your babies in the water throw yourself in afterwards

you got enemy five

you got got to be careful with this podcast.

It's often incorrect.

A lot of people will want to forget that.

Once a month, the restaurant I work for hires a professional knife sharpener.

I'm a college student, and obviously, I can't hire my own professional knife sharpener, so I need to figure out a way to get all my personal knives into work without anyone noticing.

Also, how should I transport the aforementioned loose knives?

That's from Dahl and Dallas.

Are you here?

Okay, so

can I interest you in some Charles Barkley knife shoes

they're special shoes Charles Barkley made where you can fit 13 knives into them do you remember his great

but then what do you do with the 14th Griffin

The four oh are there 14 knives you carry that one in your hands and people will look at you and say I'm scared you say what till you find out about my 13 knife shoes How are you a juggling?

I actually think exfiltrating the knives is harder than getting them in, right?

Because like, how do you explain to the knife sharpener?

Like, I'll put this one in this bag

over here.

Here, let me hold on to those.

You wet my beak with some of these sharp knives.

Do you think just out of politeness, you would just, you wouldn't put all of them in at once, right?

They would be like in a groove sharpening and you just kind of like slide one of your knives in when they're not really paying attention.

One for them, one for me.

No, you don't understand.

I gotta whip my beat.

I also, I know that working with doll knives is more dangerous than sharp knives, but I do think that smuggling dull knives in a big bag is probably safer than smuggling a big bag of very, very sharp knives.

You're gonna need a big hunk of cork?

Ooh.

Trav, do you know how to do the thing where you run the knife along

the stick?

You know, the stick that...

The drop.

Yeah, you know how to do that?

Old sweeney todd, as we call it in the business.

Yeah.

God, I hope that's not the vibe of the person who comes into your place of being like...

Hey, Griffin, if you were good enough at sharpening knives that you were getting paid to do it, you don't think you're bringing a little of that heat in there?

Have you ever gotten a knife sharp?

I've gotten a knife sharpened by a professional here in Austin at, I think, the Mueller Farmer's Market on Sundays.

There is someone who will sharpen your knives.

And we would go for other stuff and obviously not knife sharpening.

But after a while, I was like, yeah, I guess the knives are getting a little dull.

Brought it in.

I felt like I was in like fucking Skyrim, guys.

It was so cool.

You know, as they're sharpening it, and they say, like, the curve of the blade like a lover.

You know, that kind of rhyme.

Hold RT for a power attack against the Goblin King.

Yeah.

The Goblin King, like a lover.

Yes.

I, you know, you may not be able to afford a professional knife sharpener, but perhaps you go to the professional knife sharpener and you say, hello, I don't have the money to pay you, but if you are...

Willing to take me as an apprentice.

I will work underneath you and I will learn your ways.

My heart is pure.

And then you go to your boss like, hey, fuck this dude.

He's charging $100 an hour.

I will undercut him 20 bucks.

No problem.

You bump my pay up a little bit, like 5% a year.

I'm a professional knife sharpener therapy.

But also, boss, not yet, because I did just start the apprenticeship.

Don't, hey, don't tell me.

Don't tell him.

Don't get rid of him yet because I do need to learn all the tricks of the trade.

And when you see me come in with him, act like you don't know me, okay?

The knife sharpener is not going to complain about all the extra work because you know the knife sharpener takes all those extra metal scrapings home to make bonus knives.

I can't, I cannot imagine how much extra paprika, the professional knife sharpener, is putting on the sandwich to make it look like you need to pay someone to come and sharpen your knives for you.

There must be a whole presentation about it that makes it

a professional knife sharpener and I worked for a restaurant, I would get a really convincing disguise.

And then I would show up at that restaurant every day and just really abuse that knife as hard as I could.

Just like have my own stone I'd try to cut up and then be like, this needs to be sharpened.

Sneak away because that's good business.

It would be great to have any kind of practical skill at all.

Yeah.

Hi, everyone.

We may sound a little bit different to you because we're coming from a magical space, a cyberspace, a Squarespace, if you will.

We're on stage in San Antonio.

Yeah, but people don't need to, Griffoon, they don't need to.

There's never been a better time to start using online.

And Squarespace is the diving board you can use to get your face wet

in the water of it.

Don't jump in now.

Don't jump it.

Don't say I'm going to take a backseat on these ads and then jump it.

Don't wave your hand in front of your face like it's a fucking shit.

Can I tell you, sometimes, Griffo, it's really hard to be the first one to speak.

We all sat here for silence, and I was like, we're in cyberspace.

And you're like, no, that's dumb.

And then you started saying your thing.

And then you said,

use the diving board of Squarespace to get your face wet.

Yeah.

And that wasn't about a hard smell.

That was wafting.

I was enjoying it.

No, that was a definite wave away.

It makes me so angry because every time I have a lot of people.

When I listen to other podcasts, their ads are all like direct experience.

And we've used Squarespace Squarespace to make so many websites.

And it is easy to make things that look like you know what you're doing.

We could speak for hours about that, of our direct experience, and yet we don't.

But we've done.

But we've done it right to be that vulnerable, Griffin.

They talk about how important Squarespace is to me.

We've explained so many times how great Squarespace is and how all the different templates are great.

I think the best, most important thing we could do for Squarespace now is show how supportive they are of artists, which is what every time, like that's what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to do art.

And when Squarespace pays for it, that shows people that the company supports art.

It doesn't say this in the ad copy, but they should put, we are single-handedly keeping my brother, my brother, and me, the podcast afloat.

That's true.

Thank you.

So head to squarespace.com/slash my brother for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MyBrother all one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Please, they have been so supportive.

It's time to give something back.

At the airport to fly out here, my young son wanted to play a tornado game on his iPad.

And I'm not going to say the name of it for reasons that'll be clear later, but he wanted the, he wanted the poop tornado skin.

But to do that, you had to either play or get a VIP membership for $6 a week.

A week?

A week for the poop tornado.

And I was like, yeah, I'll remember to cancel that.

Folks, I'm telling you right now, I'm not going to remember to cancel that.

And that's why I depend on Rocket Money Money to catch all the $6 a week poop tornadoes that my four-year-old son did you Justin.

Did you really want to spend $99 a week on Fidget Spin Poop Challenge?

No, I don't.

I don't.

I do not.

Thank you so much, Rocket Money.

I'm glad someone's paying attention to this stuff because I simply don't have the bandwidth.

I don't know who taught the kids the screen time password, but it wasn't Rocket Money.

No.

And Rocket Money, if you're listening, might suggest a feature where when I sign up for one of those games for my kids and I'm looking at the button,

you just know it and text me like, hey, it's Rocket Money.

I got you.

Don't worry.

Don't worry, man.

Go ahead and click the button.

It says seven days.

I'm going to remind you in six days.

You'll be bored of the poop tornado in 15 minutes and then I'm going to hit you up.

Rocket Money doesn't just help you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions.

They do do that and they do it really well.

They do.

Thank you.

And they do monitor your spending as well and they can help you lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

It shows you all your expenses all in one place, including all the subscriptions to fart piano and fart tornado you forgot about uh and rocket money is going to help you cancel all of that does the fart tornado come from playing fart piano too much and too fast yes

rocket money's five million members have saved a total of five hundred million dollars in canceled subscriptions with members saving up to seven hundred forty dollars a year when they use all the app's premium features cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with rocket money go to rocketmoney.com slash my brother today that's rocket money.com slash my brother one last time rocket money.com

Hi, I'm Alexis.

I'm one of the co-hosts of Comfort Creatures, and I'm here with River Jew, who has been a member since 2019.

Thank you so much for being a listener and a supporter of our show.

Yeah, I can't believe it's been that long.

Yeah, right?

As the Max Fund member of the month.

Can I ask what sort of made you decide to be a member?

I used to work in a library, so I just used to listen to podcasts while I reshelved all the books, really with

doing meeting at work.

So I just wanted to give back to what's been helping me.

Yeah.

It feels good to be part of that.

As the member of the month, you will be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store, a member of the month bumper sticker, and you also, if you're ever in Los Angeles, you can get a parking spot at the Max Fun HQ just for you.

Yay!

I'm actually going to LA in September, so I'll get to use the parking.

Yes.

Thank you so much, River, for doing this.

This has been an absolute blast.

Yeah, of course.

I've been so glad to be able to talk to you, too, and I'm so excited to be a member of the month.

Yay!

Become a Max Fun member now at maximumfun.org/slash join.

Hey, everybody, I'm Jeremy.

I'm Oscar.

I'm Dimitri.

And we are the Euroevangelists for a weekly podcast spreading the word of the Eurovision Song Contest, the most important music competition in the world.

Maybe you already heard Glenn Weldon of NPR's pop culture happy hour talk up our coverage of this year's contest.

But what do we talk about in the offseason?

The rest of Eurovision, duh.

There are nearly seven decades of pop music history to cover.

We've got thousands of amazing songs, inspiring competitors, and so much drama to discuss.

And let me tell you, the drama is juicy.

Plus, all the gorillas and bread-baking grandmas that make Eurovision so special.

Check out Euro Evangelists, available everywhere you get podcasts.

And you could be a Euro Evangelist too.

Ooh, I want to be one.

You already are.

It's that easy.

Okay, cool.

All right.

We are going to call some folks down to the microphone.

You should know where it is at.

It's where Jesse lit our asses up earlier in the show.

If we don't call you down, please don't come to the microphone.

Hello.

Angle the mic down and just talk right.

And if you want to give us your name and if you want to, your pronouns, and then give us your one-sentence question.

Or more sentences.

You don't have to do that.

Most sentences.

Hello.

Hi.

My name is Alyssa.

She hurt.

Hi.

Hi, Alyssa.

So my question is, how do I get my scientist colleague to unban horses from his research lab?

Okay.

So obviously, Alyssa, this one, this one, we have a heuristic set up on our email account to flag most horse-based content.

Of course, yes, of course.

So you're going to need to explain to us, one, what kind of science is being performed with?

Honestly, can I be honest with you?

We're not going to be able to help with this one.

We are just kind of curious why the horses got banned in the first place.

I'm going to be honest.

Like, I just kind of want to hear how the horses got banned.

That is completely fair.

We are psychologists.

Not what I was expecting, Alyssa, at all.

I thought you were going to say, like, we're equine biologists of some sort.

Alyssa, talk, please.

So, I'm not, he's here with me, by the way.

Hey, unbanned horses.

Done.

Now, go on.

Now, what happened?

I said do it.

Hey, sorry, I need to hear what happened to get horses banned.

Please go ahead.

I hope they're banned away.

No, okay, go ahead.

Won't meet after this.

It's not in the podcast.

Go ahead.

Please stop, Travis.

I just want to hear, please.

I think it was a series of events, but I think the instigating factor was we got into a discussion about horse video games.

Okay.

And...

Video games for horses?

Did you bring a horse into the lab?

No.

Okay.

But I mean, I want to now.

No, man.

We got into a discussion about horse video games, and I won an argument that Red Dead Redemption 2 is a horse game.

Absolutely.

It's a horse game.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And I think it made him so upset that he just had to ban horses because

you're not saying that physical, actual horses are banned.

You're saying that you can't talk about horses?

I can't talk about horses.

I don't care.

I don't care about that.

This is

Alyssa.

I thought you had a horse there.

I want to bring a horse in, but I can't.

Is it a second floor lab?

It is on the fourth floor.

Hey, then you're not allowed to bring horses.

You can't make horses on fourth floor anywhere.

Horses talk about four floors the way that we talk about genies.

Like, they don't believe in them.

It's like a magical thing they heard from a friend.

There is no

method of getting the horse up here that the horse would enjoy we have large elevators we can we can do it so you're telling me you put a horse no no no no the scientists who ban horses can't be like we have a freight elevator we could get a fucking horse in there if we wanted to here's

what's forgotten your perspective You might have an elevator large enough for a horse, but there is no amount of arguing you could do that would convince me that if you put a horse on an elevator and once it started going, the horse would think, yeah, I'm fine with this.

Yeah, this is great.

I'm going with this.

This is not not a weird experience at all.

Sorry, which way am I going?

Up?

That's crazy.

I've never gone up before.

I didn't know there was an up.

That's fair, but I mean, horses deserve to have careers in STEM as well.

Yeah, but Alyssa.

Yeah, we sent a horse to college.

We get it.

Yeah.

They'll lecture to us about horses in education.

Alyssa, I apologize if we lashed out at you.

There was much discussion backstage of just like, how did a horse get in there?

And how many Erlenmeyer flasks did they trample beneath their mighty hooves?

So I'm sure.

Maybe it was a thing where the horse walked up to the blackboard where there was a problem that your partner couldn't solve.

And then the horse did it and then went back to being a janitor.

And they were like, holy shit, this is Goodwill horse thing.

It's a movie I'm working on.

Sure.

So if we had known it was on the fourth floor, we would have never taken this question because obviously you can't have a horse on the fourth floor.

I hope you understand.

Thank you so much for your time.

Did that help?

Maybe.

Yes, okay, fair enough.

Just to get right there.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Alyssa.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Alyssa.

Hello.

Hello, I'm Nora.

She, her pronouns.

Hi, Nora.

How can we help?

At one point, do I tell my mom that it took me 10 years to finish college, not four?

Okay.

I would suggest that you are already working at a six-year deficit, right?

The clock is definitely ticking because we are six years behind the time when this news would need to to get delivered, right?

How long has it been since you actually graduated college?

One year.

So that's seven years total.

What does your mom think you were doing for that extra six years?

Um, working.

Were you working?

I was working, yes.

Okay.

Well, that's no problem.

Were you working on a surprise gift degree for your mom in secret?

Like, that's why you couldn't tell her, like, at Christmas when you can't tell your parents the pottery you're making because it's a surprise gift.

Was this a degree maybe a surprise gift for your mom?

I don't think they let you go to college for someone else.

It's just Griffin, it's just an idea, man.

How did this

become a

ruse that you deliver?

Was there a jump where you were like, They were like, hey, congratulations.

And you were like, oh, fuck.

Thanks.

And then for seven years, you just kind of had to spin those plates?

So I

was supposed to graduate in December of 2018

but I walked in May of 2018 because I don't have graduation official graduations in December so and then I didn't graduate in December of 2018 my whole family went to this graduation ceremony oh my god no wait hold on did you walk I walked oh that's good that's way better guess what Nora you did graduate yeah Nora I

I don't know how to tell you this, but like, and this is something I feel like we as a culture do not talk about.

Going to a graduation ceremony for someone else is the most self-sacrificial thing you can do for another human being i would rather go to a funeral or a wedding or anything than a graduation you know how long it's going to take nobody knows yes and and unlike a wedding I don't know most of the people it centers on.

They pull into hour three and you're still there.

And you know when they're going to stop?

When they get to Z, Z, Z.

That's when.

Yeah, and at funerals, they don't make you watch them bury like 200 other people 200 strangers and one person you give a shit about honestly and they say like don't cry until we get to the end so that we kind of cry for everyone all together I had to go to Riley's law school graduation a double dip much I went and saw you graduate college pal come on so what

was it a thing where you needed like one more credit and then you just said I'll get to it after the next leap year what was the last thing what was like that?

Was there one dangling thing?

For me, it was Spanish.

I failed Spanish.

I had to go to college for five years.

Yeah, I had one credit left.

And it took you, Nora.

I'm sorry.

One class.

One class.

Sorry.

What's the last credit?

I had to take U.S.

history.

Oh, I can see why you wouldn't want to engage in that during that time period.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, 2018 to now.

That is very much like the snakes at the pet shop in Pee-Wee's big adventure of like, oh, U.S.

history, I'll get to you.

It's going to get easier, right?

There's going to be a time where the, no.

No.

Was there, how often did this, how often did you feel like you had to lie about sort of your

collegiate experience while talking to

your mother?

Whenever she was around when people asked me why I came to Austin.

Okay, that seems like something that would come up from time to time.

Yeah.

Well, it's not an issue now, right?

No, she still doesn't know.

Hey, guess what, Nora?

Oh, off the hook.

It doesn't matter.

You don't ever have to tell her.

It's done.

She was there when you graduated.

This is never going to come up again.

You're off the hook.

Tell her on her deathbed.

Listen.

Listen.

What you got to do is play this podcast for her.

She's going to be laughing so hard.

When we get it in SMART, it's going to be like Star Trek.

Oh, you.

Yeah, it's going to be Star Trek.

or does she like Shaq?

Not a big Shaq fan.

Loves Jesse, though.

Jesse early in the show.

Alyssa, I think you're in the clear.

I think you're fine.

I think you can bring it up.

And by the way, I didn't even graduate back then.

You remember.

Not an issue.

Yeah, you could try to actually mention it back.

I told you.

Does that help?

Yes, it does, because apparently I should casually gaslight her.

No, no, no, no.

Absolutely.

When you put it down, it's actually called, Nora, it's called shacklighting now.

We don't, he hates he took he took it over.

He asked that we not do that.

Does that help?

It does.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Nora.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Carson.

She, her pronouns.

Hi, Carson.

Carson.

My question is, how do I break a streetlight without going to jail?

Yeah, yeah.

So we had some debate about this.

Yeah, so we kind of just want to know why you want to break a streetlight, Carson.

So it's in front of our house and we've lived there for three years.

My husband's up in the balcony, way up there.

Hey, how's it going?

What's up?

That's Will.

I thought you meant lived on the balcony of your house.

Sorry, I missed him.

He's up there,

I think.

He stares at the streetlight like a moth all day and night.

He lives on the balcony.

He knows what he did.

He keeps reaching for it.

And I'm like, no, it's hot.

You'll fall.

Don't.

This is why I need it broken.

Yeah, he just loves this streetlight.

so so is it is it a a nuisance it is it is like a sun in front of our house and we had to get blackout curtains for the entire front of our house and it's still hard to sleep there was one month that it was broken and it was the best month of my life yeah but what about all the crimes that you will be subjected to when there is darkness surrounding your home.

Don't worry, man.

You made yourself a massive target.

You got that semi-house I'm going to.

The one that broke out their own streetlight?

Yeah, I doubt they got ADT, man.

Are you under the protective umbrella of a moon tower?

Because that's going to cover you from any ne'er-do-wells, as long as the moon tower is illuminated.

You don't need to break it.

Okay.

You need to shimmy up there with some reflectors.

You're going to shape the way the light shines

into a perfect spotlight

on your front porch.

That there's like no crime here, but not your windows.

Okay.

Carson, I have two questions.

Is it illegal to throw rocks?

Yes or no?

No.

Okay, is it illegal to make mistakes?

Yes or no?

No, no, it's not illegal.

Okay,

so

it seems like you could,

if you threw enough rocks for fun,

you might eventually make a mistake that is, we've all agreed, perfectly legal.

Okay.

Thank you.

All right.

I am a police officer trotting up to your house on a big.

I sat through a law school graduation for three hours, folks.

I know my ways around the law.

I just want to hear, Justin, if an officer does pull up and say, hey, we've had reports that you've been throwing 100 rocks out of your.

I'm not talking to you.

I don't know who threw the rock.

You could also just, Carson didn't throw the rock.

Wait, are you Carson's lawyer now?

Yeah, no,

I'm across the street.

Like, I don't know who threw it.

One Carson.

Yeah, make everybody on the street throw a rock and nobody can put it in.

I am Carsenekus.

I threw the stone.

I, Mrs.

McGinty, threw it.

We all hate the light.

Just shimmy up there and put in a lower wattage bulb.

That's nice, Carson.

Yeah, just put like a 40 watt up there.

Still a little bit of light, but not too much.

Put it with one of those smart bulbs.

Yeah, there you go.

You can change it.

Change the color from your house.

That way your house can get robbed in a nice Christmas.

Everyone in the neighborhood can be like, oh, it looks like they're watching a scary movie.

I hear screaming from that house for Halloween.

No, that's just Carson getting robbed again.

Carson, does that help?

That helped.

Thank you so much, Carson.

Hey, everybody.

Hey.

Thank you all so, so, again, thank you for coming to see us thank you to the paramount once again for having us it's a genuine honor to be back uh here thank you to paul and amanda and uh and rachel uh and thank you to wonderful rachel mcroy and griffin mcroy

thank you uh thank you to our dad clint thank you to our dad clint who is right now watching uh our kids uh back at the the the hotel because uh he's a he's a sweet man and a great grandpa uh and thank you to john barlow for this amazing poster radio poster.

We signed some of them.

Again, I do believe we are sold out of the Paul Sabor Memorial Canned Food Drive challenge coins, but you can still donate some money to the Hope Food Pantry Austin out in the lobby.

Thank you to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You.

It is a great track.

I've got a fear here.

Yeah, I would love for you to read this final fear here in 20 Thunder Drive.

This year, I will be faster than my fear that any of the minions will be killed off in future movies.

My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother, me.

Please kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

My life,

oh.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

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